Sex versus Making Love: Making our Relationship About & From Love

by Katie Walls

From the outside my family looked great, socially things were good, we were doing well in all areas according to the criteria that evaluate success. Financially things were good, great home, awesome kids, beautiful dog and a happy marriage. Our life was considered by many to be very comfortable and content.

I was at first interested in hearing about Serge Benhayon’s views on health and wellbeing as this was an area that related to my personal interests and field of work. What I then found five years ago was not just to help me support others but in fact has very simply offered me and our whole family so very much more than what I could have ever expected.

For me, through being honest, there was one area within my relationship that was affecting everything else. I knew I couldn’t just keep going on with what I could feel but couldn’t see a way forward to understand and express what I was feeling, to be able to put it in words so that it all made sense.

I loved my husband and wanted to share the rest of our lives together. But at around the age of 30 I got to the stage where I could have “shut up shop” so to speak in the intimacy area of our relationship. What I was feeling was not a reflection of our ability physically as there were no problems in that area. I felt perhaps there was something hormonally wrong with me as to why I was feeling a decline in interest in having sex.

I was with the man I would still choose to be with if I was starting all over again. He is still the one I would pick to share my life with and be the father to my children as he is a beautiful loving man. So what was behind my lack of interest? I was at a loss and didn’t want to settle with things feeling the way they did. Deep down I knew I could no longer just put up with sex being a part of duty within a relationship as so many women I had spoken to felt. Something that you just had to do to keep your relationship going, to keep your man happy, content, to keep the peace or for some so that he didn’t stray. This didn’t feel right to me, my body was saying it didn’t feel right anymore. I had a comprehensive hormone and full blood work analysis to see if possibly what I was feeling was a result of a physical imbalance. All the tests came back showing I was a perfect picture of female health.

What I felt was getting louder and louder as the months and years passed. Again everything looked good in our relationship from the outside, but I started to see a pattern forming, that I didn’t want to share as many hugs throughout the day or when he got home from work with him because I could feel it would very quickly lead to it all being “on” in the bedroom. I started to see I was pulling back from the amount of affection I once shared because I didn’t want the hugs to provoke an expectation towards sex. What I started to realise with the help of what Serge was simply sharing, that what I had been longing for was just to receive a hug that said “it’s great to be home with you”. Rather than all the hugs that said “I am feeling a bit stressed and would love to jump your bones right now”, or, “it’s been a big day at work and a bit of ‘hanky panky’ will help me sleep”. This all then felt like another thing for me to add to my already rather long “to do list”.

I started to see the distinct difference between “sex versus making love”. The more I let myself feel what was really going on, the more I could explain what I was feeling with my husband who at this stage was starting to give up himself as he was feeling a bit rejected. The more he tried, the more I didn’t feel like it – “what’s a man to do right?”

This scenario may sound very familiar to some. I was then able to express what I felt with my husband as it all started to make sense. I could feel more and more of what my body had actually been trying to tell me for all those years. Something very, very important. It was simply, if the touch we shared with each other was coming from a need of any description it didn’t feel good. I started to honour what I was feeling and at times it was confronting to truly share with my partner to let him see all of what I was feeling, all of me. When I shared without reaction my husband started to feel within himself that when he was stressed he did feel like sex, and perhaps at those times sex wasn’t as loving as when he wasn’t stressed. He started to feel for himself when he was imposing this way and started to take responsibility.

He soon began to feel within himself what I was saying and again at times, as you can imagine, this process was confronting. He began to feel when he was wanting to be distracted from his stress or frustration from work by sex and then could see in these times that this was when I started to withdraw, when he couldn’t feel me participating.

I know I am sharing what many women can and have felt, there is a reason why we are not interested or lose interest. Our bodies are telling us something very important. If it’s not feeling good, then there is nothing to be lost by starting to make a commitment to making our relationships about and from love. What we began to realise was making love comes from the connection we share with each other during the day, during our conversations, how we are with each other. It comes from putting our relationship as equal priority to that with our children or work. By actually stopping whatever we are doing when our partner gives us a “kiss hello” so that we can connect and share that moment together rather than the quick “hello” peck because we are too busy with what we are doing at the time.

We began to discover a playfulness coming back into our relationship, that making love comes from respecting who someone is and from the commitment to living what is love together in the moments, the conversations, the many unspoken interactions during the day. That for us to truly make love came from the accumulation of all those moments we are simply being loving together.

We are falling in love again and again as the days pass, it feels like dating all over again except it can be every day, it’s up to us. Not something to be preserved for the beginning of a relationship. I now realise what I thought was love was only just scratching the surface. We look forward to what’s still to come as it already feels amazing!  All it took was a commitment to want to grow together to feel more connection in our relationship.

The commitment was simply first and foremost being committed to living love together.  Then the immense benefits were felt so now there is no compromise.

64 thoughts on “Sex versus Making Love: Making our Relationship About & From Love

  1. Well said Katie, thank you for your honesty and clarity…

    My partner and I also found the honesty part of building of a true loving relationship confronting, but the loveliness of each other we now get to enjoy makes it all worth it 1000 times over.

    It is like dating all over again, how awesome…

  2. I’ve never heard this topic explained so simply. It feels a very sensitive topic, not only for women, but I see how uncomfortable or confronting it could be for a man also. I feel the responsibility that both partners play here, and that no partner is lesser of more in the wrong than the other – but simply that there is something missing in the communication and expression of what is truly felt and needed by both parties, and how easy it is to just play along with the game, hoping that something will get better, but in truth it would never resolve until the missing link is considered. That missing link being to truly meet ourselves and the other, as you have so simply explained – I feel how loving and caring you were with your husband about all of this, meeting him first, then speaking what you felt second – not just blurting out what was needed and how he had to change – it takes a true confidence and self love to be able to do this and it’s very inspiring for us all to feel. Thank you.

  3. Holy Smokin’, I’m on fire after reading that. I love it. Thanks Katie for sharing honestly the relationship rut that many of us are familiar with and how you have chosen to step out of that by committing to living love together. I am inspired and I am single. Woo hoo anyone open to a true, loving and committed relationship? My number is …. lol.

  4. Katie, the grace for yourself and your husband is clearly felt here. You feeling that something was not right for yourself and then slowly as you had more awareness about what you were feeling, were able to share this with your husband. It is inspiring to hear that when you did express yourself, it was done in such a loving and honouring way, that your husband was able to feel for himself what was going on. That you are both now committed to be truly loving and making love is glorious.

  5. Katie – thank you for sharing so honestly and beautifully. I can relate to your experience (as I feel many women – and men – will), and spent much of a 21 year marriage avoiding intimacy – to the extent that in the latter years where the marriage was sexually active (which was not that often), I often used alcohol as a precursor to sex (enough to take the edge of and get me in the mood). During this period, I questioned whether there was something wrong with me and struggled with feeling obligated to have sex, or as part of some unwritten marriage contract, and also felt guilty if I didn’t feel like having it. In latter years, I could clearly start to feel that the ‘sex’ – although it may have felt good during the physical act – only provided temporary relief and often left me feeling hurt, sad, empty or lonely and sometimes used. I could also start to identity that it was coming from a need – and although perhaps different for both of us, it was a need nonetheless, and not from a loving place and a true willingness to connect and be open with each other. To be honest, what happened in the bedroom was simply a reflection of our relationship with ourselves and with each other. In other words, there was little honouring or love of ourselves and each other outside of the bedroom, simply that in the bedroom it was a little more exposed.

    It was only when I started to attend Universal Medicine presentations that I began to honour that what I was feeling was true – (i.e. that the sex was just ‘sex’ and not making love, and that our intimacy (or lack of it) reflected the lack of self-love in the relationship). It wasn’t that Universal Medicine presented anything different than I already knew – it simply provided me confirmation on what I had been feeling, and allowed me to begin to make more loving choices, and to allow these choices to me made from a loving place and commitment to myself, not from a place of rejection and hurt, or wanting to run away, nor from a place of wanting to reject or hurt another. I have not been sexually intimate for over 2 years, and have recently separated from my marriage, so cannot comment from experience what making loving via an intimate form of physical expression is like. What I am working on is building my own body of love and continuing to honour that, and if and when I am in an intimate relationship in the future, then I look forwarding to exploring love from that foundation.

  6. Truly beautiful Katie. And as Danielle expressed, such a ‘sensitive topic’, treated with such simplicity. Thank you for sharing so honestly.
    Intimacy in my own marriage has also gone through much change, to become the truly tender meeting of each other it is now. ‘Expression’ along the way has not always been easy – I know that in feeling my own compromises, there was at times, the ‘double whammy’ of feeling what I’d allowed (that wasn’t loving – deep ‘ouch’..), along with my partner reacting in his rejection simultaneously, however lovingly I addressed things. When we honour our bodies, we touch on such deeply held beliefs surrounding our ‘roles’ as men, women, and partners. And yet, the foundation you so clearly express here, that we make it about ‘living love’ first and foremost, made this possible. And yes, the ‘making of love’ is in every moment – mostly in the Divineness of looking into each others’ eyes, love meeting love.

  7. What an awesome sharing… I just love reading these blogs! It’s such a topic that is not often spoken about in the honesty that you have Katie. I am single but can so appreciate what you have shared… these are the sorts of honest conversations I aspire to. Just reading this is a healing in itself!

  8. Thank you Katie, and the comments above, how inspiring. I love how simply you expressed it and how lovingly it was shared with your husband. Yummo. I’m with you Marcia ha ha…

  9. Katie and husband, thank you both for your courage and for sharing your story. It is so simple and so clear – something that I imagine most women in relationship experience (I certainly have) but dare not say or admit.

    Also great what Danielle has written – it must be incredibly confronting for the man too, but how rewarding for both when communicated and shared so lovingly.

  10. An insight-full and honest picture into relationships and how they can evolve from a conventional or typical modern-day relationship into a relationship based on truth and love. Thank you Katie for sharing the possibility in this.

  11. Thank you Katie – I can really relate to what you say so honestly and with simplicity. I too adore my husband and love being with him and would not choose to be with another but am finding it difficult to be able to truly make love with him. It still feels like the “sex” thing and I feel that we need to have more of a focus on each other during the day and less on the tasks of the day! I know it is about being consciously present in how we are communicating in our relationship. Writing this feels a good start for me and my husband is looking over my shoulder and I know he will be inspired by your words as well!

  12. As Danielle says, it is ‘a sensitive topic’ but one which is so needed to be aired and discussed. Although it is confronting, it is so worth it. Thank you Katie, for you managed to approach it with such loving sensitivity.

  13. Oh boy, oh boy, this sounds more than familiar Katie. It is a topic that I have a lot to share on, and the one that is well worth addressing, but that’s a whole other blog. Thank you very much for expressing.

  14. ‘All it took was a commitment to want to grow together to feel more connection in our relationship.’ So beautiful – thank you for sharing.

  15. Beautifully written, and too true – I know I’ve approached things in this way as well and the difference between making love and having sex is crucial to the long term relationship I have with my wife. To be honest we can both feel the difference, and the killer is when we are not honest.

  16. The honesty and simplicity of this blog is very powerful. To bring understanding to the fact that we must first honour ourselves, in this case by listening to our body, and from there we honour all others equally, is a revelation.

  17. So very much can be said for making love your very foundation in a relationship, and coming back to this as the platform that holds you both and grows with you both as you deepen your expression, communication, appreciation, celebration and beautiful times together. Thank you for sharing, this blog is so very wise.

  18. Thank you Kate for addressing a problem that many couples have, and are not sure what is going on. You have expressed it very clearly and simply, how making love, in a moment to moment commitment with each other, in daily interaction, leads to a deeper form of intimacy.

  19. Thanks Katie for sharing such an intimate and personal topic that we all face when converting from having sex to making love, and evolving a relationship to the next level – it was explained well. For me, it is the true intimacy that definitely feels and means more when connecting to my partner, even though I felt the rejection so many times when having expectations that were not met. I feel and agree that honest communication is where it is at, for without that we are lost, bobbing around in a big ocean with no direction or sight of land .

  20. Such a beautifully honest sharing Katie. It is lovely to read how you committed to honouring what you felt and communicating this with your husband. The playfulness and ever deepening love you now share is a gorgeous testament to this commitment and the connection you nurture.

  21. Thanks Katie!! It is absolutely clear than there is more than sex and that anything that goes in that direction feels very different altogether. It is also true that leaving sex behind as a way of relating to each other is not necessarily an easy road. It brings up lots of difficult issues in the relationship and in each other. What I feel this blog invites is to an open sharing from men. It may surprise more than one. The image of the boy scout (always ready no matter what) does not really reflect truth across the board.

  22. To allow myself to feel when I am approached physically with a neediness, is a very big step towards love. This blog is such a great reminder for me to appreciate my feelings and express them. No matter the reactions of partner, friends or others.

  23. It’s so easy as a couple to get caught up with everyday commitments and lose the intimacy and connection between each other. Your experience is very real for many couples and it’s great that you could work through it together and come to the realization “That for us to truly make love came from the accumulation of all those moments we are simply being loving together.” Beautiful. Thank you Katie.

  24. This is such a beautiful and honest blog. I can so relate, as I am sure many women can. Thank you for sharing what you have both discovered through your commitment to love and truth.

  25. I’m pretty sure that what you have described has been felt by many. Your story shows how much more love is available to us when we express what we feel, with out fear of rejection. It can seem easier to ignore our feelings and just get on with it to avoid rocking the boat or upsetting someone, but I feel like that just makes the issue more complicated and difficult. My relationships become much more when I express more, and don’t avoid those uncomfortable moments, they are just stepping stones to a deeper connection.

  26. Katie, I love that you have shared this, I find it super-supportive. I especially love that you emphasise the importance of honouring what we feel as ‘Our bodies are telling us something very important’! So true.
    I too have the sense, that despite me experiencing a much greater degree of love in my life now, what is yet to unfold will blow our socks off!

  27. Thank you Katie for such an intimate and deep sharing between you and your partner so that others can feel and learn from this. The thing that stands out to me is how identified we as a society are with the sexual way of relating with one another, as such a norm when in truth it is so far from what your body feels as normal. My feeling is that underneath we all only want to make love but to return to that deeper way of being together requires much in the way we live to be looked at.

  28. It is so true Katie – connection is the most important thing in a relationship, without it, it will just be empty and not really be a true relationship of love. For that is in the end why we do commit to being in a relationship with someone, to be very loving with each other and enjoy it in full.

  29. This is beautiful to read Katie, your willingness to be totally honest with each other and honour everything your body felt is truly inspiring and supportive to developing true relationships.

  30. What you describe here is a familiar experience amongst women and men and the issues that often come up in relationships. It is valuable to share how your husband and yourself choose to open up and commit to connection first.

  31. I’m sure what you have shared here Katie many, many couples have experienced at some point in a relationship and it makes me wonder how many men and women out there already know this and are staying silent, just putting up with things to keep their relationships intact? It makes me feel a bit sick and sad as a man knowing that women do know what is really going on but don’t speak up. I completely get what you are saying here that any touch, if it comes with a need, actually feels imposing and even abusive and so perhaps we need to start honouring these feelings, both men and women, rather than overriding them?

  32. The difference in ‘sex vs. making love’ happens well before the bedroom from even the moment we connect or hug. It is the intent and the willingness to let each other fully in that determines the difference. A difference that is worth understanding in full because the quality of either are worlds apart from the other.

  33. What a brilliant blog Katie. l have great respect for you in the patience and perseverance you embodied to feel deeply the truth that your body was showing you. Your last 3 lines are Golden, the bells are ringing in heaven. Thank you.

  34. “That for us to truly make love came from the accumulation of all those moments we are simply being loving together.”
    So true Kelly, and I have found that what causes distance between two people is when we hold back from expressing what we believe to be an unlovable part of ourselves, in so doing we have rejected ourselves and separated from the love that we are. From this place of separation how can we share love with our partner? These unlovable reactions we may choose to hide are common to all of us, they need exposing and when shared in our vulnerability without blame, seem to always be accepted and understood, for isn’t this what we are doing here, shedding that which is not love to allow our true selves to shine? Hiding and pretending prevents intimacy in our connections.

  35. A beautiful and powerful blog that shows how no compromise on what love truly is in a relationship can bring such profound reward with another.

  36. Thank you for sharing so openly what happens to a relationship when we substitute sex for making love. Perhaps it is revealing that we have to ‘make’ love and this means we have to nurture the tender relationship during the day and days that then brings us together to celebrate the love making.

  37. I can really relate to what you’ve shared Katie, and I too can confirm that when we speak up about what doesn’t feel right, the healing and evolution that happens as a result is simply amazing.

  38. Thank you for writing a superbly frank and honest blog about how many women feel in relationships towards sex and how by speaking up about what does not feel true, although confronting, created space for evolution.

  39. Connecting to our bodies and honouring what we feel is the only way forth in creating a relationship based on love for ourselves first and then with another, thank you for sharing Katie.

  40. I love what you have shared here Katie as I have recently started a relationship and feel that love really is about honouring what our bodies feel and expressing that in all relationships thereafter. Fabulous thank you for your honesty.

  41. What I realized Kati is that when my life becomes more about function, intact more a existing than a true living – the hugs and kisses (and sex) become as well ‘functional’. But a relationship is made to meet each other and support each other in development. To be truly interested, present and open is the first step.

  42. Amazing really for both of you to be this honest and open to change. In many scenarios there might have been feelings of rejection running the show but you managed very well I would say. Very inspiring. Thank you both.

  43. How gorgeous after all those years of marriage, with the choice to commit to living love and deep connection in each moment, that it can feel like you are falling in love again and again with each passing day. Who would want to settle for less if this is what is possible?

  44. It can be very confronting when we express what we feel but I am finding also that there comes a point when I cannot hold back but to share what I feel. It actually brings us closer together. Being truly honest in all of my relationships is being love and without being judgemental I realise I have not been living a consistency of this level of love. It is something I am deepening as I become more loving with myself.

  45. I love what you have shared Katie, and relate to in a past relationship. I knew exactly how I felt but was unable to explain to the person I was then with, in then our relationship ended. Had we been able to share with each other honestly there would have been an opportunity for growth of love in the relationship I feel.

  46. Katie, thank you for an amazingly honest blog. You show how honesty and a willing commitment to deepen love are cornerstones and everything falls out from there. I love that you do offer your experience with all it’s challenges and the learning that came along the way often with discomfort and throughout I feel your dedication to go there and to continue to explore the next layer.

  47. To keep a relationship fresh and fall in love again and again each day is extraordinary ordinary and not something we encounter often. The moment we let ourselves go and are not willing to go the extra mile, to break through our patterns and behaviours, heal our hurts and share everything that there is to share, we start to stagnate, stay in the same rut, things become very comfortable but also very boring.

  48. Your experience Katie just goes to show that we can have the perfect picture of health in our body just as your bloods suggested but you felt that something was still missing. We are more than just our body and what we feel and our emotions illustrate that fact beautifully.

  49. Thankyou Katie for the honesty with which you have shared your experiences. Settling for less than love is something we all do in various areas of life, yet there is so much to gain by choosing love. It was inspiring reading about your relationship and the process of working through how things were, so that you could be eventually be elevated into a more loving connection.

  50. Absolutely Beautiful Katie Walls! It’s a great marker that any need being played out instead of deepening your movements of love with each other can lead to that being sex in the bedroom. So the question is do you want to have sex or make love by being open to continually nurturing your connection ❤️

  51. What you share here Katie is so supportive and inspiring for other couples going through anything similar. Many couples can live for years together without ever expressing what is going on for them and this can bring a great distance between the couple. Your willingness and commitment to love is beautiful to read about and be reminded of the power of true love and how this is key to deepening our relationships and supporting them to truly evolve.

  52. It is great to hear of the amazing support Universal Medicine was in helping you to find a true way of relating in your marriage, and the many benefits of this.

  53. This is a lovely sharing of a topic that is sensitive, yet needs to be brought out into the open. Our bodies really are our best teachers and friends.

  54. Thank you Katie for sharing this and for being wiling to explore what laid beneath the not wanting to have sex and being touched anymore. It is so easy to fall into a pattern and then just take it as it is and eventually give up but you show that it just takes a bit of honesty and honouring of ourselves to break down the walls we have built.

  55. Thank you for sharing Katie. It is so common to use physical affection as a medication for stress but when we do this we cheat ourselves. Your blog reminds me that expressing how we feel without judgment or reaction is a huge part of making love.

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