by Katie Walls
From the outside my family looked great, socially things were good, we were doing well in all areas according to the criteria that evaluate success. Financially things were good, great home, awesome kids, beautiful dog and a happy marriage. Our life was considered by many to be very comfortable and content.
I was at first interested in hearing about Serge Benhayon’s views on health and wellbeing as this was an area that related to my personal interests and field of work. What I then found five years ago was not just to help me support others but in fact has very simply offered me and our whole family so very much more than what I could have ever expected.
For me, through being honest, there was one area within my relationship that was affecting everything else. I knew I couldn’t just keep going on with what I could feel but couldn’t see a way forward to understand and express what I was feeling, to be able to put it in words so that it all made sense.
I loved my husband and wanted to share the rest of our lives together. But at around the age of 30 I got to the stage where I could have “shut up shop” so to speak in the intimacy area of our relationship. What I was feeling was not a reflection of our ability physically as there were no problems in that area. I felt perhaps there was something hormonally wrong with me as to why I was feeling a decline in interest in having sex.
I was with the man I would still choose to be with if I was starting all over again. He is still the one I would pick to share my life with and be the father to my children as he is a beautiful loving man. So what was behind my lack of interest? I was at a loss and didn’t want to settle with things feeling the way they did. Deep down I knew I could no longer just put up with sex being a part of duty within a relationship as so many women I had spoken to felt. Something that you just had to do to keep your relationship going, to keep your man happy, content, to keep the peace or for some so that he didn’t stray. This didn’t feel right to me, my body was saying it didn’t feel right anymore. I had a comprehensive hormone and full blood work analysis to see if possibly what I was feeling was a result of a physical imbalance. All the tests came back showing I was a perfect picture of female health.
What I felt was getting louder and louder as the months and years passed. Again everything looked good in our relationship from the outside, but I started to see a pattern forming, that I didn’t want to share as many hugs throughout the day or when he got home from work with him because I could feel it would very quickly lead to it all being “on” in the bedroom. I started to see I was pulling back from the amount of affection I once shared because I didn’t want the hugs to provoke an expectation towards sex. What I started to realise with the help of what Serge was simply sharing, that what I had been longing for was just to receive a hug that said “it’s great to be home with you”. Rather than all the hugs that said “I am feeling a bit stressed and would love to jump your bones right now”, or, “it’s been a big day at work and a bit of ‘hanky panky’ will help me sleep”. This all then felt like another thing for me to add to my already rather long “to do list”.
I started to see the distinct difference between “sex versus making love”. The more I let myself feel what was really going on, the more I could explain what I was feeling with my husband who at this stage was starting to give up himself as he was feeling a bit rejected. The more he tried, the more I didn’t feel like it – “what’s a man to do right?”
This scenario may sound very familiar to some. I was then able to express what I felt with my husband as it all started to make sense. I could feel more and more of what my body had actually been trying to tell me for all those years. Something very, very important. It was simply, if the touch we shared with each other was coming from a need of any description it didn’t feel good. I started to honour what I was feeling and at times it was confronting to truly share with my partner to let him see all of what I was feeling, all of me. When I shared without reaction my husband started to feel within himself that when he was stressed he did feel like sex, and perhaps at those times sex wasn’t as loving as when he wasn’t stressed. He started to feel for himself when he was imposing this way and started to take responsibility.
He soon began to feel within himself what I was saying and again at times, as you can imagine, this process was confronting. He began to feel when he was wanting to be distracted from his stress or frustration from work by sex and then could see in these times that this was when I started to withdraw, when he couldn’t feel me participating.
I know I am sharing what many women can and have felt, there is a reason why we are not interested or lose interest. Our bodies are telling us something very important. If it’s not feeling good, then there is nothing to be lost by starting to make a commitment to making our relationships about and from love. What we began to realise was making love comes from the connection we share with each other during the day, during our conversations, how we are with each other. It comes from putting our relationship as equal priority to that with our children or work. By actually stopping whatever we are doing when our partner gives us a “kiss hello” so that we can connect and share that moment together rather than the quick “hello” peck because we are too busy with what we are doing at the time.
We began to discover a playfulness coming back into our relationship, that making love comes from respecting who someone is and from the commitment to living what is love together in the moments, the conversations, the many unspoken interactions during the day. That for us to truly make love came from the accumulation of all those moments we are simply being loving together.
We are falling in love again and again as the days pass, it feels like dating all over again except it can be every day, it’s up to us. Not something to be preserved for the beginning of a relationship. I now realise what I thought was love was only just scratching the surface. We look forward to what’s still to come as it already feels amazing! All it took was a commitment to want to grow together to feel more connection in our relationship.
The commitment was simply first and foremost being committed to living love together. Then the immense benefits were felt so now there is no compromise.