On Making Love or Having Sex

By Alison Moir, U.K.

Sex verses making love, now that’s a topic that could throw the world upside down!

It is still taboo to talk about sex or making love unless it is to make fun of it, to belittle it, or to use it against someone. Even if we do talk about it, it never really goes deeper than the physical aspect of it.

Through lack of self-confidence, self-worth and in fact anything to do with self, I can now honestly say that I abused my body through sex. I am able to say this now knowing what I know through Universal Medicine.

Through disregard for myself I had total disregard for my body, it was a body for function, to get me through the day, and so when it came to sex that was also how I saw my body, it was for the pleasure of another, to please another. The me, the I, the who I was, did not really enter this part of the relationship.

I grew up in the seventies and eighties, when the pill had given people the freedom to open up to sex, but in doing so lost their own integrity of what was true or not. I think the term ‘anything goes’ could be applied to these times.

My teenage years were in the 70’s. Looking back, that was quite a confusing time growing up, nothing was really talked about in the family, and so you would go and find things out for yourself. The problem in doing that when there was not an ounce of love for yourself is that you don’t know what is loving for you and what is not. Even if you have an inkling somewhere in you that this doesn’t feel true, it is soon over-ridden to please another.

The 80’s were fast and furious and all about having fun and earning lots of money, and along with that the freedom to have sex… but it wasn’t fun, because underneath all that was an overwhelming feeling of emptiness and the money couldn’t hide that… in some ways it just highlighted it. Sex was used to try to fill that emptiness… but that never worked… just more emptiness. This became the merry-go-round of life.

None of my relationships I had were really taken seriously, I couldn’t because I didn’t take myself seriously… until I met someone who was different, was interested in me, who asked questions about me, who cared.

We eventually got married and stayed together until he died of liver cancer in the year 2000.

In all our times together I can honestly say that we made love once. Some other times came close to it, but that one time stands out, so much so that I got pregnant. So I had a marker in me that told me there was a difference between sex and making love, I had felt it even though I over-rode it.

Looking back knowing what I now know, I can understand our relationship and how it declined during our time together.  We took each other for granted, we didn’t truly express what we were feeling, and the hurts didn’t heal… they just got buried. I am not sure if we would have stayed together if he were still here today. I know our relationship would have had to go through some radical changes, and I don’t know if we were both strong enough to make them together.

This was before Universal Medicine, and even then I could see how he used to change when he drank, and by many standards he was not a heavy drinker, but he did drink every day. This did affect our relationship and our sex life. Drinking would change his whole character and how he was to me, and in my lack of love for myself I accepted it. He was never physically abusive but I could feel him change and he was no longer the person I knew and loved.

When he died I began to look into myself. I was not sick, but neither was I well.

The medical profession could not help me, I was not sick enough, there was nothing to diagnose, the pains in my stomach after loads of tests said there was nothing wrong with me, but I knew there was… so began the quest for alternative therapies.

I tried many and none worked, and looking back some made me worse. I know this because I would look at my friends who were living the high life, who were not spending all this time and money on lotions and potions and they looked and felt healthier than me… so there had to be more.

Then Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon came along and things began to make sense, all the things I had been feeling, he was saying.

Since the death of my husband I have been celibate for 12 years, and I love it. I love it because it has taken this long to find out who I am.

I don’t miss sex; I don’t miss the emptiness you feel after what should be the joy of two loving people coming together in harmony.

I am not looking for love as I was before, I am no longer afraid of it, because I am no longer empty and I don’t need another to fill that space.

If someone were to come along now, I would have enough love within me to know what is true or not, and to say no to what is not loving. I would be stronger in myself to have a true loving relationship, that had making love as part of that relationship.

There is a difference between sex and making love and I know which I would choose every time.

88 thoughts on “On Making Love or Having Sex

  1. Thank you for sharing so honestly Alison! I was raised in a family with a religious view where sex or living together before marriage, was not encouraged. So I waited until getting married in my mid 20’s before I became sexually active. Sex at the beginning felt good, but was still based largely on physical gratification, and in 21 years of marriage, I don’t know if we ever got to making love (perhaps on a handful of occasions we may have touched on this, or got close). In the latter years of being sexually active, I began to avoid sex more and more, and when we did have sex, I usually had to use alcohol (a glass or two of wine beforehand) as a precursor to getting in the mood. Although sometimes the sex was ‘good’, I often still felt empty and lonely afterwards, and did not experience the intimate connection between 2 people that I was looking for and wanted to feel. In truth, my experience of intimacy in the bedroom was a reflection of the relationship outside of the bedroom, and was based on need, rather than a true willingness to be open to love. I feel in looking back – that I knew I wanted to be desired and made love to without any expectation or need, and to be adored (not worshiped) for being a woman, and not for the simple aim of bringing relief to either of us. But at the time, and although it didn’t feel right, I didn’t consider that it had anything to do with the fact that there would be no love (or love making), until I began to love and adore myself! Just over 2 years ago when I began to connect with the work of Universal Medicine, it affirmed to me that what I had been feeling was true. In contrast to blaming the sexual encounters for being disappointing or blaming my partner for making me feel a certain way, I began to take responsibility for myself and for what I had allowed in the relationship because of a lack of love for myself. At that time, I knew that I no longer wanted to be sexually intimate in the way I had experienced previously, and could clearly feel that there was no love in the sex I had been having, which also meant that I had had no love for me (ouch!). Since that time, I have slowly and gently been learning to adore and nurture myself. I have not been sexually active in over 2 years (and have recently separated) and am loving the relationship I am beginning to build with myself. If and when I am in a relationship in the future, I know I have a solid foundation from which to build an intimate relationship based on true love. And whether or not this happens, does not alter the fact that I can make every relationship more about love, and bring more love into a relationship simply by ‘me’ being more love!

    1. When reading your comment ‘I often still felt empty and lonely afterwards, and did not experience the intimate connection between 2 people that I was looking for’ it really rang true both for me and I wonder how many others?

    2. Wow! Awesome account on taking responsibility for yourself with no blaming on others. Love it, Angela!

  2. Thank-you Alison, for sharing so openly. Your phrase, “I don’t miss the emptiness you feel after what should be the joy of two loving people coming together in harmony” says so much. I remember growing up – reading lots of the ‘great literature’, and repeatedly reading of women feeling this emptiness after intimate, sexual encounters.. I was saddened by what I read, and yet grew to feel this also as a woman myself. It just goes to show that ‘we always knew’ what was/wasn’t true. Like yourself, I now rejoice that I can fully honour myself and my body, & live what is true in regards to intimacy – thanks to awarenesses gained via Universal Medicine that have ‘felt right’ & re-awakened me to what I knew, and so much more… No more “lives of quiet desperation” (Thoreau).

  3. Thank you Alison and so true regarding the single years as being a (and an opportune) time for developing relationship with self and not seeing or viewing this as ‘second best’ to being in a relationship with another.

  4. I have not engaged in sex for some time either… but not because of lack of opportunities, instead, because I chose not to.
    Making love is all that we human beings are and ought to be about, anything less is simply not a part of who we truly are. Thank you for sharing Alison.

  5. What a beautiful and honest account, my hairs are on end.
    “Since the death of my husband I have been celebrating for 12 years, and I love it. I love it because it has taken this long to find out who I am.”
    I can feel this in you and the power of these words is so strong. There feels no blame, no judgement, but a complete awareness and understanding…that is what is so beautiful too.

  6. Thank you for your honesty Alison and sharing your journey towards building love for yourself so that you have no need to look outwards to find it. I can relate to much of what you have written about always knowing about the emptiness of having sex rather than making love and the complacency that can build when a couple is not committed to making everything about love first and foremost.

  7. Thank you Alison for being so open and honest about your relationship with yourself and your late husband. I can relate to a lot of what you have written with regards to my own life and how I viewed myself and my relationships.

  8. I can really feel ‘the woman in progress’ of claiming herself in-full in this blog. Honouring that the foundation of true love, starts first with self.

  9. A lovely honest sharing thank you Alison. Great that, ‘If someone were to come along now, I would have enough love within me to know what is true or not, and to say no to what is not loving’.

  10. Alison, you are an inspiration in yourself. Your story shows an amazing transformation and dedication which is impossible to not be inspired by. It’s so worth being honest and truthful to yourself and others, like you say: “If someone were to come along now, I would have enough love within me to know what is true or not”.

  11. Dear Alison, I deeply appreciate you writing this blog, thank you, and I love what you have shared, and where you have come to: “I am not looking for love as I was before, I am no longer afraid of it, because I am no longer empty and I don’t need another to fill that space.” I totally relate to that.

  12. Lovely Alison I absolutely love your blog!!!!! Thank you so much for being so honest and sharing your insight between making love and having sex – you gave everyone a possibility to see themselves – if they allow themselves this deeper look.

  13. Alison, I love your testimony of the changing times and how you felt. In my entire life, I have not heard too many people speaking highly of their celibacy. Celibacy is often seen as an undesirable status quo. As you rightly said, it is a great school to learn who we are.

  14. Wow, Alison, I have to take a breather, this is so powerful.
    This is such a confirmation for what I learned as well in my current partnership, which is deeply inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine philosophy, religion and science. To stop to abuse my body is the hardest task so far. Abuse can be in such little details, like not being present…

  15. It feels like such an important subject and distinction yet it usually remains behind closed doors with people settling for one but in truth craving the other. So it is a blessing to have you share your learnings about this and your relationship so openly and honestly, it was an honour to read.

  16. Thank you Alison for your very honest sharing of your relationship with your late husband. I don’t feel societies attitude towards sex has improved since you grew up,and if anything there is more pressure on younger people surrounding sex.
    It feels beautiful that you now “..have enough love within me to know what is true or not and to say no to what is not loving.”

  17. This is such a beautifully honest blog. I love how you share all you have learned with no judgement of your self or others, just a true understanding. Thank you Alison.

  18. I think most people having an inkling that there is a difference between making love and having sex, and like you say, it could turn the world upside down if it were truly considered by everyone, this is a great blog to help start considering the question…

  19. A really beautiful and loving blog that shows that there is a difference between sex and making love and it begins with loving ourselves first.

  20. The fact that the distinction even exists is well worth pondering, the fact that the difference has not been felt by (I would say) most, is alarming, and a sad state of affairs. Alison thank you, for contributing to a much needed conversation.

  21. Thanks Alison for your honest account on sex and making love. It is a great realisation when we discover that we don’t actually need sex that it is something that we may have used to fill our own emptiness and doesn’t fulfil us at all. Making love is on a whole different level that is much more than just the physical act of sex, but is about two people connecting and communing from their own connection with themselves first of all and then with each other.

    1. Thank you Alison and Donna. The two are worlds apart; making love is in everything you do from the little touches, to the kiss good night, the way you share a meal or express to each other and so much more. Love cannot be held back, love is for all equally. Making love is a coming together that confirms the love that two people have!

  22. How devastating, “the emptiness you feel after what should be the joy of two loving people coming together in harmony” – you name it so honestly and very poignantly.
    Whatever happened to love?

  23. Thankyou Alison for your honest sharing and wisdom in this blog. The line that really stood out for me was: ‘I am not looking for love as I was before, I am no longer afraid of it, because I am no longer empty and I don’t need another to fill that space’.
    What a huge shift and transformation from the lack of self worth and disregard of the past. The love you have reconnected to for yourself is felt and if someone did come along I can feel how much fun making love with another can be when we make love with ourselves first.

  24. In my experience the physical act of intercourse can be a beautiful or a devastating exchange. Sex is one of the most natural things there is, but it can also be used in a way that is so destructive. For me the difference is not in the physical activity but in the quality and intention of the energy between the two people. The more I have learned about myself as woman the more I have to share with my partner and the deeper our intimacy with each other, which has a direct effect on what happens in the bedroom:)

  25. Thank you Alison. I love what you have shared about there being a distinct difference between sex and making love… We don’t talk about it enough because if we did we would never settle for sex again!

  26. It’s such a shame that the differences between sex and making love were not more openly discussed, starting in the teenage years when many people start to explore sexually. Speaking with many women in my role as a therapist I have found the sense of emptiness and the feeling that there is something missing is a common theme in people’s sex lives. They express feeling very alone even though they are in a relationship with someone. Very rarely is there any understanding of the important part that self love plays as a determining factor in the quality of intimate relationships. But without this ingredient, the cycle continues. Thanks Alison for writing your blog which makes the differences clear.

  27. Beautiful honest blog, Alison, thank you. How awesome you recognized the difference between sex and making love so long ago and can choose now only love making as your way.

  28. Love how you claimed that you will from now make love and not have sex. “I don’t miss sex; I don’t miss the emptiness you feel after what should be the joy of two loving people coming together in harmony.” Coming together in harmony is so beautiful and I would now also not choose anything else anymore.

  29. Thank you Alison for such a beautiful and honest sharing, the more we honour and love ourselves ‘making love’ becomes the new normal.

  30. A wise statement Alison, “…The problem in doing that when there was not an ounce of love for yourself is that you don’t know what is loving for you and what is not. …”
    What we are capable of when we do not have love in our body is extraordinary. On the contrary, what we do when we are full of love becomes a joy for everyone, I mean all of humanity. There becomes a harmlessness to our actions and they seem to compound. It’s like being at a party or restaurant when all the food on offer is wholesome and nutritious, I feel like I can release tension and focus on something else, someone else. If the world around us is acting lovingly in everything they are doing, we all are offered that same freedom.

  31. What you say here is very powerful in its honesty and clarity “Through disregard for myself I had total disregard for my body, it was a body for function to get me through the day and so when it came to sex that was also how I saw my body,” How many of us do not connect how we treat our bodies every day with how we are with them when we have sex, why would that act be any different from rushing to get the house cleaned up, or feeling frustrated with a partner for not understanding. Anything that is an issue in life stays with us in whatever we do. Learning to live with love, without perfection is a supportive endeavour that allows more clarity in life and enables a person to share in true intimacy with themselves and another, in the bedroom or outside of the bedroom.

  32. Wow Alison what you are presenting here is truly revolutionary in terms of how we view sex. It is easy to see and say that if someone is raped or sexually abused in some way without their consent, that this is obviously abuse. But even the so called normal socially acceptable sex between two consenting adults that people have every day, could be abusive, if we are going against how we feel and placing another person’s needs above our own feelings and self worth. I feel what you are saying here is completely true from my experience also and explains the emptiness felt so often after sex. Can we go there as a society and start really looking at this?

  33. A much needed subject to talk about, so thank you Alison for starting a discussion about this. I can very much relate to everything you share and for a long time in my life I disregarded what I felt in my body because I thought I had to be sexually free and open to experiment and if I wasn’t something was wrong with me. When I first came across Universal Medicine, I too took time out, I took what I called “a break from men” to find back to me – this was an extremely healing time… and allowed me to discover a lot about myself.

  34. I agree Judith, this is an important topic. “I don’t miss the emptiness you feel after what should be the joy of two loving people coming together in harmony.” We have all been deeply hurt by our distorted understandings of emotional love and sex. Much can be healed by exposing the lies and misconceptions. Serge Benhayon by way of his presentations and lived loving way has set the ball rolling on this subject and has deeply inspired many to choose nothing less than making love.

  35. I feel very touched by such an honest and open sharing, Alison. Thank you. “I don’t miss the emptiness you feel after what should be the joy of two loving people coming together in harmony” – this really says it all. And I agree with you that being single is a time for developing a loving relationship with oneself.

  36. Thank you Alison for expressing what I felt most of my life but could not articulate until recently as it was too painful. The hurt stemmed from the fact as you said that “We took each other for granted, we didn’t truly express what we were feeling, and the hurts didn’t heal… they just got buried.”

  37. Beautiful Alison. Your honest account of the emptiness and disregard in having sex, especially with a partner who was not himself when he drank alcohol, is an important subject to share. Taking the time in celibacy to reconnect to the love you already are allows the hurts to heal and to be open to share your refound self-love with another in making love.

  38. Love this blog, Alison, because it takes the whole issue of lover, partner, sex and making love – and all those ideals and beliefs that surround them – right back to ourselves. It has to start there because if we do not know love in ourselves first, then how can we recognise it in and from another? How can we be sure we’re not just settling for an arrangement of sorts out of a need to fill that emptiness you describe? I admire your raw honesty about being able to discern the number of times you truly made love with your husband and sadly, I doubt that your experience is in any way unique on the wider statistical front.

  39. Beautiful how you have taken the time to build a relationship with yourself. We should all in fact take that time, however long or short, to just get to know ourselves and have a sense of who we are. Then we don’t need a partner to do this for us.

  40. An amazing, intimate reflection on your relationship with yourself as experienced through sex. Thank you for your honesty and candour. It is a really refreshing view on the truth behind many a relationship and your learnings about yourself provide an invaluable reflection and check-in on a really important part of everyday living.

  41. “I don’t miss the emptiness you feel after what should be the joy of two loving people coming together in harmony.” Reading this was a great moment of appreciation for me as I remembered that awful feeling and how I don’t feel it anymore. Woohoo!

  42. A superbly honest article Alison, as I read it I felt the lovelessness you described being with your husband when his personality had changed after a drink. I’m very familiar with that feeling that the person is no longer the person you know and love and that their actions have become so far from who they truly are. There has recently been a poignant campaign on Facebook showing how for a child their parent turns into a demon when they drink which is precisely how it can feel when another is under the influence of alcohol. It doesnt surprise me when I hear people say that if alcohol was invented today it would be classified as a drug and not the socially acceptable poison it is today.

  43. I like how you point out that you used your body for function during the day and that that was no different when having sex and so very true when one does not have love for oneself how can one possibly know what is loving or not. So it always starts with practicing self-love and self-care to return to one’s worthiness/love to then deepen it with every step more.

  44. What a great sharing Alison, I particularly related to this line “We took each other for granted, we didn’t truly express what we were feeling, and the hurts didn’t heal… they just got buried.” How true this is, you have perhaps succinctly summed up many a relationship, including friendships and family relationships.

  45. Another great line Alison, “….I would have enough love within me to know what is true or not, and to say no to what is not loving.” This has been one of the profound effects for me of working with Universal Medicine, my ability to feel what is loving or not and to gently speak up about it, which has provided opportunities for my relationships to grow and deepen. Until I began treating myself with love and making loving choices everyday I was not as able to do this. I have received so much support from my involvement with Universal Medicine and this is another thing to stop and appreciate today, as all of my relationships are much more loving now including my relationship with myself.

  46. Alison your wrote: “There is a difference between sex and making love and I know which I would choose every time.” Imagine more people would choose the making love – I am really sure this would change the way how we would be with each other.

  47. When I did come in contact with Universal Medicine I was already with my partner for over 10 years. We slept with each other. During the course and healing’s with UM we both changed and also our ‘being together’ changed. This is not ‘now and then’ – it is an ongoing process. And I can see how our physical being together reflects how we are with us in general.

  48. I second that statement Alison that there is indeed a huge difference between having sex and making love. As a man you could, and I will, say that sex is what is preferred but I think that is truth with a modification, which means it’s not true at all. And this makes the process of us men claiming back how tender we really are so important.

  49. It is beautiful that you have come to a place where you have developed so much love within yourself that you would not settle again for less than a true celebration of that with another.

  50. Gorgeous blog, it is the amount of love we have for ourself that gives us the marker of accepting nothing less than this love.

  51. Making love is simply the building and confirmation of love within yourself with another or not. Sex is all about you and what you need from the stimulation of the pleasure of release. What is being released? The images of sex being satisfied.

  52. Alison it’s interesting to read about how you were in relationships before and after Universal Medicine, I can certainly relate. Once we become full with our own love and live from our essence so many things considered normal or acceptable are no longer.

  53. There is so much hype about sex and I know as a younger woman I got swept up this this hype, but as you have said Alison, I found that my using sex was about me attempting to fill the emptiness that I felt and that never changed after sex, ever. There was obviously some excitement for a period of time, but this was limited and eventually would loose interest, looking for something new. On reflection starting a relationship this way does not provide a true foundation to build a relationship from. Looking for more just confirms the emptiness felt inside.

  54. I thankfully have started seeing sex in its true light over the past few years now and let go of some of the pictures around it. I’ve started to trust what my body has shown and told me for years. I would have pain for weeks after having sex, and it wasn’t aggressive or abusive, but it was just not making love and more for relief…. but I was annoyed at my body for not performing and being excited to have sex. Having sex has become so skewed and made to be whatever we want it to be. Thank you for such openness Alison, this is how we all need to start talking as women and men, and showing our children what it means to honour what we feel from our bodies, in any situation.

  55. “There is a difference between sex and making love and I know which I would choose every time.” Discovering the tender intimacy of making love means that sex is no longer a choice.

  56. Loving our self first and developing an intimate relationship with self is a prerequisite to all other relationships. How can we love another if we don’t know what love is?

  57. I too disregarded my body but not in the sense of having sex with multiple partners but by being a ‘good’ girl, well and truly fallen for the belief that I was to save myself for the ‘one’. I was brought up as a Christian and while I prided myself in not sleeping around I felt very lonely and miserable. While I judged and looked down upon those that merrily jumped into bed with anyone I was ignoring the fact that I too was equally being abusive to my body in the guise of my investment in being ‘good’.

  58. Thank you for this frank blog Alison. I too am discovering that intimacy with another starts by having an intimate relationship with myself. How well do I know myself, how loving am I with myself, do I allow unloving thoughts? There are so many things that we look to others to fix or provide us with. Why not start by doing those things for ourselves? Once we have a standard that we set for ourselves we will not permit things like empty sex.

  59. Hi Alison, thank you for sharing your wisdom gained through a life lived. The learning of ‘what not to do’ having done it all is very strong. I can relate as I have a lifetime of experiences of ‘what not to do’ to draw on! Having sex rather than making love and was not the only area of life that I gave my power away in. Though it was a clear indicator of a life lived in complete disregard for myself.

  60. There are so many pictures instilled in us that sex is part of our life and that we need it and in what form we need it. What you bring it down to is that it is a matter of how we are with ourselves that then determines how the physical act of making love or having sex with another will take place or if it is to take place. And this applies to so many things in life. Are we coming from a need because we haven’t lived in a way that is truly fulfilling (and not by what others give to us but how we live in every moment) or is it simply an expression of the love that we feel inside and express in all our fullness.

    1. Great blog and huge honesty. I agree there is no place for sex in a true relationship and once we have experienced making love as opposed to having sex, I am sure that most would agree with this.

  61. Great blog and huge honesty. I agree there is no place for sex in a true relationship and once we have experienced making love as opposed to having sex, I am sure that most would agree with this.

  62. Thank you for sharing Alison and thank you for your honesty – it was so beautiful to read. There can be such stigma around being celibate but I love your celebration of it, in a way that celebrates your own love without the need for love from another. A need that often leaves us feeling empty when we try to fill it be it with sex or something else.

  63. Few would bring a distinction or difference between “making love or having sex” but how would we truly know when it’s not something we talk about. We are still socially uncomfortable with these topics and it won’t change unless we make the change. I will admit when I read the headline of this article I almost closed it but here I am. There is a distinct difference between “making love or having sex” I know that now but that wasn’t always the case. I was raised to always treat women with care and respect but was never shown or confirmed that I should equally do this for myself. After all it makes total sense that you can only bring to someone something you know clearly yourself, so the level of care and respect I have in my everyday life with myself flows out into every relationship I have thereafter. If you want to bring more care into your life then this is something to dedicate to in every thing you do, from brushing teeth, to driving, to the simple conversation on the phone, how are you truly feeling about you?

  64. Many women may have chosen celibacy because it is not worth it to experience the emptiness after sex without love. Love is not a lesson that we can stop learning without a partner, as love is us. When we commit to learning about us, in discovering more about ourselves, we are committed to re-learning who we truly are. And this is the beginning of truly claiming back love, with ourselves as well as with others in relationships.

  65. “I don’t miss sex; I don’t miss the emptiness you feel after what should be the joy of two loving people coming together in harmony.” This empty feeling is common to many I’m sure, if we are willing to be honest. Yet this empty feeling tells me that we know there is so much more. We know love because we are love. Anything less does not fulfil us because it does not match what we are.

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s