by Fiona Shuttleworth, UK
I thought my life was OK. I seemed to tick most boxes and felt happy enough compared to others I knew who were a lot more miserable than me. But I always felt like there was something missing in my life, and I knew deep down that I was holding myself back in some way. The problem was I was so unconfident within myself that I never trusted my own feelings, and always defaulted to others’ opinions, feelings and ideas, even when I didn’t really want to. My life was fuelled with alcohol, drugs of every kind, and cigarettes. The funny thing was I always knew I didn’t want to be that person, but I just never seemed to be able to break the pattern, and I had tried numerous things.Then one morning for no apparent reason I woke up and knew I would never smoke again. I made that choice on my own and knew it was right. I adjusted my lifestyle and drug choice, as in I carried on with cocaine and ecstasy but quit weed. And I still drank, every night. But even this simple choice of stopping smoking made such an impact on my social life, it was more difficult to be involved with everyone when all my other friends were on weed, and I started to want different things from life.
Then I stumbled upon a man called Chris James. His music touched me and made me feel different, particularly his new album at that time, ‘Silk’. I felt alive and joyful. I had always loved singing and music but always felt awkward about my voice and being heard. What struck me most from my experience with Chris was that I didn’t seem to be worried about any of that, and for the first time I felt like I truly sang for me – just because I couldn’t hold it in any longer. At this stage the drugs went out of my life – I didn’t really need them any more. But alcohol was still there big time.
Not long after that Chris introduced me to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. I remember going along to the first presentation. There was something about Serge that just felt right. I didn’t feel disturbed or put upon in any way – what he was saying made sense to me although I had never really heard any thing like it before. I watched the people around me, there was such love and integrity, respect for each other, and I felt like I was home.
Shortly after this presentation I made the choice, again on my own, to stop drinking. It was the hardest thing I had ever done to that point in my life. I had no idea until I stopped the hold alcohol had over me. And my biggest surprise was other people’s reaction to it. They didn’t like it at all, and for the first few months I really had to battle my way through countless people trying to convince me to just have one drink. Some people even bought me a drink when I had specifically said ‘I’ll have an orange juice please’ – I couldn’t believe it. It was harder for me to quit alcohol than smoking, cocaine or any other drug I had consumed.
I went to more Universal Medicine presentations. And I made more choices that seemed to happen naturally. I started to actually care about myself in a way that I had always wanted someone else to care about me. My food choices changed and then something really beautiful happened – I started to trust my own feelings and love myself. I found that as I took more care of myself I enjoyed life more and more. The amount of great days I was having started to increase. I still had bad days – I still do but they don’t seem to affect me in the same way. I never spiral down with them and they happened less and less. I started to get more confident within myself, and then I started to see all the ways that I held myself back, and the little games or situations that used to come into play to feed certain ideas I had about myself to keep me from believing in me.
Now I live a full and joyful life. I love work. I’m closer to my family and friends than I have ever been. And I don’t even think about wanting a drink or a drug to get me though the day. Instead my day is enough for me and I absolutely love it. I feel open to life and embrace it. Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine have never told me what to do or judged me in any way. Instead Serge and his teachings have supported me to come to myself in my own way and at my own time. I have never felt anything other than true love, support and understanding from Serge Benhayon and never, not once, has he ever made me feel like I was less or not good enough in any way, shape or form. He is a constant inspiration to me of how each individual truly is inside.
I will never walk away from that love and understanding that I have come to know for myself through Serge Benhayon’s teachings. Why would I, when for the first time in my life I can say that I am truly living? My commitment to myself will never cease.
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
Fiona I totally understand that when we make the choice to let go of something that no longer serves our body, I observe others struggle with us. I have been labelled as not being fun anymore since I stopped drinking coffee. I have no idea why stopping something has anything to do with fun.
I realise that it brings up for them the choices that they are continuing with. When they truly know that it isn’t serving their body’s.
In the meantime, we continue with our lifestyle that serves us. We can only offer that reflection to another and the rest is up to them. No judgment, no expectation…
One step towards love by us, and 3 steps by love towards us. A win win situation.
I too have been to Chris James’ workshops and it is amazing how freeing it is to sing even when we have never dared sing before. There is a way he has to work with people which is a gift to us all.
Chris James has this amazing affect on us. His voice heals me much more than the actual singing. A powerful man, and I absolutely adore him.
Fiona, awesome sharing in this blog about you natural progression to be more loving with yourself and how in the process the not so loving things began to fall away. This is the true way to deal with addictions and bad habits – the real ingredient for this is love.
Addictions do not stop when we stop the substance, they stop when we no longer feel like having the substance and there is a real shift in energy around it.
What you have written Fiona is a testament to yourself and how you started making loving choices I especially understood what you wrote here
“I started to actually care about myself in a way that I had always wanted someone else to care about me.”
Because we all seem to do this as though we have been programed to look outside of ourselves for love but actually we have an abundance of it which is completely untapped within us. So why is it we want and feel it is more important for someone else to care of us rather than actually taking care of ourselves?
Thank you Fiona, it’s very beautiful what you have discovered through self care. I don’t think we realise how much our daily choices impact on how we feel, and for some caught up in cycles of drug or alcohol use they would probably just keep feeling worse, and then feel they need to keep using or increase their use of drugs and alcohol as a solution, even though it’s causing the problems. You’ve outlined so clearly how much life can change when we commit to caring for and loving ourselves.
What a gorgeous turn around of your life and how you feel Fiona, ‘Now I live a full and joyful life. I love work. I’m closer to my family and friends than I have ever been.’
That ‘happy enough’ is such a trick. We take a sideway glance, and feel assured in finding that the others are doing the same/similar even though what we are doing might be quite harmful, and we never find true settlement or fulfillment in that way of gauging our life in relation to where others are at.
It’s really interesting as many of us know that we have patterns of behaviour we would rather not have and we find it extremely difficult to change these behaviours. We have great intentions but these intentions slip away and we are left in the patterns of life going round in ever deepening circles. To truly make changes to our patterns of behaviour we need support and for many they found this support in Serge Benhayon and the Universal Medicine techniques. There is such a body of people who have made spectacular changes to their lives that really it cannot be dismissed as a fluke or a one off. These people should be interviewed and studied to discover how it is they are bucking the trend by living full and joyful lives after all isn’t this what deep down inside us we all want too.
There’s so many things in our lives that until we let them go we do not know the hold they have over us, and then we see it, so I completely get what you say when you gave up alcohol and realised that it had such a hold. It’s great to come to these decisions from ourselves and to deeply trust ourselves and our own feelings, we really grow into ourselves when we do this, and it allows us to live ourselves more fully. Very inspiring to read your journey Fiona.
When we come to the end of our tether with what is not loving (and this refines over time) being presented with love helps us make that step to dropping that which doesn’t support us.
Some people felt that was something missing because they could feel the emptiness they sit on. Other people, more given up, also felt the emptiness and the disgust but felt more inclined to accept that this is it. How both moved was perhaps different. One was perhaps more honest than the other but that is not the point. The point is that both had to realise that they had to work hard to resurrect themselves out of where they had buried themselves so deeply.
Accepting the love of God has become the only energy that life has become about and all the drugs were a set up and have been replaced by other patterns and addictions that are very much a work in progress.
I have come to realise Greg that is world is set up for us not to develop a relationship with God and those people that do feel that reconnection are ridiculed because they stand out from what we call ‘normal’ society. What if those few people who are living harmoniously were reflecting a way of life that is so worth living and is easily achievable?
Yes, there is a feeling when you drink that makes you feel like there is always someone egging you on, either internally or externally.
You will never walk away from than love therefore you will never walk away from you. When you know what you feel like underneath all the stimulants and the ideals and beliefs and feel the tenderness of the essence that is you, it is so simple, so at ease that there is much more of a commitment to building a relationship with that space.
How is that we live in a world where we can grow up, with all the support of school, our parents, our peers, and yet not feel confident with how we feel? It seems to me the most basic thing in the world, and yet that is exactly how I felt as a teenager and its taken me years and a whole re-education to learn to trust what is so natural in my body.
Well said Simon – it appears that our upbringing does not equip us to live life in full – no fault of our parents either, but the system is certainly set up in a way that does not allow us to spread our wings with confidence, it is like a set up to stunt us in life. This says a lot of the model of life that we have been placed in. But with this awareness, it also means we have the means to change this around for we know that there is so much more to life that what we can see.
Beautifully said Richard..
Serge Benhayon = sense maker.
Thank you Fiona for sharing your experience it is interesting that when we hear truth and we register that truth in our body, we are able to ask ourselves to be honest and eventually come to our own truth.
“I had no idea until I stopped the hold alcohol had over me.” When we are immersed in our daily life it might seem we are doing ok and even think we are doing ok but only when we allow ourselves to truly stop and take a step out of this merry-go-round can we start feeling where we are at and what is really going on with ourselves.
The funny thing is that once we give up the obvious poisons we can still get the same up and down effect simply through emotions and after that, through strategies like overeating or becoming tense.
Very awesome Fiona. I ran a similar life of drugs and alcohol. I also can say I will never turn back on the love I have for myself, life and others ever-again. I remember how many times I tried to stop consuming alcohol – this is what was the source of my self-abuse rampage. Once I knew how to connect through the meditation’s Gentle Breath I had my own new source of endless amount of love to enjoy. It was free and it was Me.
Comparison is the out of jail card that we play to harm ourselves when we choose to compare ourselves with those faring worse than us.
Your story of alcohol and the hold it had on you is an inspiration for anyone beginning to understand the damage of alcohol in their lives.
Yes, my experience was that once I could feel what the near future held when I had that glass at my lips, the drink became much less attractive.
“My committment to myself will never cease”. If only we pondered just what such a commitment, in truth, was. It is not selfish, self sacrificing or arrogant. It doesn’t call for us to be better or the best. What it does impress is a dedication to live from our inner essence, to let ourselves be, to flow with the cycles of the universe, to always be present. To 100% be with everyone, at any time. Our committment to self then very quickly becomes a committment to all.
Yes, I can feel that now more than ever. We are all part of a team and as such our part is very important and either adds to the rot we see of doesn’t. If enough people stop adding to the rot, the rot will become the abnormal rather than the normal.
‘…for the first time in my life I can say that I am truly living?…’ How many of us can really claim that in the true sense of your statement? We think that living the high life is one of drugs, alcohol and parties, yet this is empty and damaging to our health! What if ‘living the life’ is filled with great choices, great sense of well-being and being in connection to ourselves and others that brings greater truth and love into our lives?
We are so much more powerful then any addiction we think we have when we connect back to the essence of our being, our Soul. It is just because of this disconnection that we allow alcohol and drugs into our lives to numb the feeling of the loss of this connection which is our natural state of being.
Yes, the question is ‘why do we choose disconnection’?
I have to say I really struggled giving away cigarettes and alcohol but what I found interesting was that the smokers never tried to recruit me back into the fold but the alcohol drinkers did – I also found the drinkers loved it when you did actually cave and had one.
Very interesting how you found alcohol to be the hardest to stop taking. Even the doctors say drinking alcohol is ok as long as not too much. There’s something about alcohol that grabs us so tight and feeds us with justification.
Alcohol has become so accepted as a drug of choice in society it is no longer considered a drug. But as you say this is the one people were most concerned about you giving up… which makes no sense as you would be healthier without it. It only makes sense because it has been normalised as a drug. A drug that helps people check out from their problems, and not be who they are.
I can relate to that feeling of something needing to change but the day seems to never come. It’s like you are caught in a never ending cycle of waking up saying or seeing a similar thing on a different day. When is the only time this ends? When you are ready to finally make the step yourself to make the change. From experience you can never bring someone to make these changes, you need to be there yourself. It’s great to see people standing by something they have felt to do for a long time.
Choosing to take care of ourselves in the way we always hoped another would is a huge game changer as it cancels out a heap of problems. Problems such as our general health and well being but even more importantly our neediness of another to deliver what we are not willing to give ourselves.
Indeed Kathleen, people can be very demanding if they are convinced that others have to deliver to them what they do not deliver to themselves. It is a strange way of thinking that simply is there because of people being disconnected from their essence, their Soul.
I too noticed how uncomfortable other people were around me when I stopped drinking.
It isn’t a good place to be in life when we are using alcohol and drugs to ‘fuel’ life. It is actually a sign of how far away we are living from our true selves. Not that mainstream society deeply understand this as yet, but there are those who are understanding the impacts that drugs and alcohol have on life and the connection that is just not possible when making such choices.
I literally can’t imagine waking up with a hang over again, so horrible and really hideous, that jaded feeling, the inability to engage with anyone, just wanting the day to be over before it started. Stopping drinking is without a doubt one of the best things I have done for myself.
When I stopped drinking it reminded me of what it was like to be 13 again… just waking up feeling clean and myself, feeling more keenly what was going on as my sensitivity was turned back up to full volume.
You show that it is possible to truly heal an addiction where it is not a discipline that has one refrain from the substance or behaviour but a living way.
Yes, not to be in remission but it simply completely gone.
What a turn around of your life Fiona, ‘Now I live a full and joyful life. I love work. I’m closer to my family and friends than I have ever been.’ Gorgeous.
“then something really beautiful happened – I started to trust my own feelings and love myself. I found that as I took more care of myself I enjoyed life more and more.” So true Fiona, Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine consistently offer inspiration to choose for ourselves to be who we naturally are.
Your story Fiona is deeply inspiring and is a testimony to Universal Medicine and all that Serge Benhayon presents and consistently lives.
I relate to your story Fiona, of how we can abuse our bodies in order to fit in and be accepted by others knowing too well that that is not what we want to do in the first place, it’s crazy! it is only through the connection to our bodies that we can start to let go of harmful patterns and behaviours and embrace a true loving way of being.
It’s interesting that choosing to no longer drink alcohol is more difficult for others than it is more than likely for ourselves. I have looked after people who have come out the other end off detoxing of alcohol, which can be pretty serious stuff for some people. I actually enjoyed sitting down with them afterwards whilst they pondered their life and their choices, often being determined to make the change. However often they go home back to their life and quickly returning to their friend alcohol. So yes it’s a tough one to stop, way past it’s physical hold.
Gorgeous and inspiring to read Fiona.
I too have lived the life of alcohol and drugs and can say it is riddled with insecurity, not feeling worthy, loved or honoured. I felt all those things about myself, hence the reasons why I drank in the first place. Now that I do not drink alcohol or take drugs, coupled with taking a lot more responsibility for myself and life choices, I deeply love who I am and the purpose I have in my life.
We may think that some of our old habits and patterns feel like they are impossible to break but the truth is anything is possible when we put our heart to it.
Reading your story Fiona, really makes you wonder, what is it that causes these apparently ‘sudden’ shifts or different choices we are making in life. This is the fascinating thing about the teachings of Universal Medicine they offer you a whole science behind these occurrence that bring a deep understanding and increased awareness to what is happening in life.
I love how you came to a place where you began addressing all the things you had allowed to hold yourself back and that stopped you from believing in yourself and loving yourself in the way you now realise you deserve. An inspirational transformation.
It is fascinating how an addiction that at some point happened to have a huge presence and which felt impossible to escape from, simply vanish. Our bodies no longer long them. They are gone. The body regain a feeling of what is natural to it. When that happens, that which felt impossible to leave behind now feels as belonging to a remote past.
A great commitment there Fiona, and you also show how much of a hold alcohol, or other drugs for that matter, has on us, but I would like to highlight alcohol since it’s such a falsely accepted substance. The alcohol seems to have not just an intoxicating effect on the one/ones drinking but as you share, when someone is not drinking, the ones drinking seem to be very confronted with this. Probably because they can feel the choice they’ve made and that it’s not truly good for the body. So they want you to join them. I’m glad that you held yourself strong and committed yourself to yourself Fiona. It’s way more fun to be sober!
This is a great testimony to the teachings of Universal Medicine and how self-responsibility allows us to reconnect and live more of the love and harmony that we are with ourselves and all our relationships with others, thank you.
Thank you Fiona for sharing the amazing changes that have happened in your life I love these lines. “I started to actually care about myself in a way that I had always wanted someone else to care about me. “then something really beautiful happened – I started to trust my own feelings and love myself. “
When we give up our vices at first it can often be seen as a sacrifice however in due course we discover we were sacrificing so much more to be addicted to those vices.
Yes, our life energy and our life itself.
“My commitment to myself will never cease.” I love that Fiona – imagine more people would chose to have such a commitment as well. I guess our world would look a bit different.
This is a beautiful testimony to Serge Benhayon, Chris James and to yourself Fiona for all the choices you have made in your life to date . I felt to comment on the reaction you mentioned you were met with after ceasing to drink alcohol. In my life also I found this to be most extraordinary. I recall the very first time I declared that I would no longer drink the outcry from my family and friends was enormous. My mother shocked me the most as I was young then and I felt that she of all people would be pleased that I had finally decided to take care of myself after being on a path of self destruction for many years. But on the contrary she bemoaned the fact that I would never drink champagne with her again! She chose to take my giving up drinking personally. I found that quite bewildering at that time.
You write: “then something really beautiful happened – I started to trust my own feelings and love myself” – that really resonated with me. I remember many years ago having a similar experience. One day I was having a conversation with myself and when I started an old pattern of judging myself, another internal voice said “you know that you are totally committed and doing your best” or something like that. Thus started a big turnaround in my life where I started to trust, accept and confirm myself on a much deeper level.
As a child I simply knew and knew I knew, but as I grew up and my knowing was not confirmed by others, for example I knew my mother was sad but if I asked her how she was she would say she was fine… and so this went on everywhere until I started to doubt my feelings and knowing. As you have written Fiona, through the healing and meeting I received from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I have reconnected to my inner knowing and that is of immense value in every conceivable way – hence no desire to have alcohol, drugs, emotions or any substance that disconnects me from that.
What a turn around Fiona, you made the loving choice to return back to the real you rather then fighting and hiding it with the drugs and alcohol. You are a shining example of how when we choose to listen to our bodies our lives can completely change, when we listen we allow miracles to take place.
The great and truthful thing about having truly healed an addiction is when there is no urge, no thought of wanting this substance anymore and it has not been substituted with another.
Fiona your blog is gorgeous! Thankyou for sharing your story, it brought tears to my eyes to read of how you began to love yourself and life – amazing! You are a beautiful inspiration. I was fascinated to read of the difficulties you giving up alcohol presented to those around you, there must be huge societal and collective pressure to keep consuming alcohol. So many gorgeous points you have made throughout your blog, I particularly related to “I never trusted my own feelings, and always defaulted to others’ opinions, feelings and ideas, even when I didn’t really want to.” Thankyou, quite a healing there for me to feel around this. Keep writing Fiona!
‘It was harder for me to quit alcohol than smoking, cocaine or any other drug I had consumed.’ Just this line on its own is so telling of the insidious grip that alcohol has on our lives, being woven into the very heart, fabric and soul of our socialising culture and providing a crutch on which to lean for confidence and a pick-me-up or numb-me-out when exhausted or unhappy. Alcohol being so ubiquitous, when one person decides not to play, they stand out so sore-thumbed that it provides a true reflection to others and their discomfort at their own dawning irresponsibility often means they’ll try to woo you back with ‘just one glass’ so that the reflection can conveniently disappear.
The really strong message that I felt in reading this inspirational blog is that the choice to quit alcohol, drugs, smoking etc all came from a choice within that was not dictated by anyone else. For me I’ve found that these kind of choices are the only true long lasting and supportive choices…
Yes that stood out for me too Angela. The fact that we all know deep down what is good for us and what is not and how powerful it is to make these choices for ourselves out of care and love instead of others saying it to us.
Great to read about how you turned around your commitment to life and systematically but gently stopped doing all the things that were anaesthetising your experience and marring your ability to truly feel. All that paved the way for you to then begin to ‘see all the ways that I held myself back, and the little games or situations that used to come into play to feed certain ideas I had about myself to keep me from believing in me.’ Quite alarming how much of our social life can be geared around substances we ingest to keep ourselves away from ourselves.
“I started to actually care about myself in a way that I had always wanted someone else to care about me.” Beautiful Fiona. I too found with the inspiration of Serge Benhayon that caring for myself is something that no one else can do for me and it is how I move, touch and feel that brings me true care and love for my body that is with me wherever I go.
“I will never walk away from that love and understanding that I have come to know for myself through Serge Benhayon’s teachings. Why would I, when for the first time in my life I can say that I am truly living? My commitment to myself will never cease.” I say the same Fiona. Witnessing the changes in people over the past few years is phenomenal, as we all make changes and adjustments to our life-style choices. Committing to ourselves – and thus humanity – is key – regardless of reaction from those around us.
Making self caring choices for ourselves is actually harder than just breaking the behaviour. It actually requires an adjustment of all relationships that have know you to act another way. Sometimes there can be resistance and others times great support for the self cares actions that have been put into place.
All in all it is important to remain clear on the purpose and feeling why the change was called for.
This is very beautiful Fiona. All the things we do to mask the way we feel and how the world feels to us, also stop us from feeling how gorgeous and amazing we are. How wonderful is is to be truly living and that feeling how lovely you are is enough. It’s so great to read your blog and how you got your life back. It takes courage at the start but the rewards keep expanding every day.
I could totally relate to your experience with people not wanting you to stop drinking – even an alcoholic friend once stopped, and would find people putting heaps of pressure on to ‘have a drink’… the whole ‘everything in moderation’ argument is so flawed – harm yourself moderately just doesn’t cut it really.
I agree. I’ll give an extreme example to show the ridiculousness of a statement like “everything in moderation”.
Example: You find out your teenage kid is self harming, using cutting (a common practice amongst depressed teens)
Answer to that issue: As long as they don’t cut too deep, don’t hurt anyone while they cut, are responsible with their knife, don’t do it all the time, just in moderation then its okay? No way!! You would not want someone you loved harming themselves like even in “moderation”.
Then why when alcohol is clearly harmful are we okay with it in ‘moderation’?
Definitely a question to ponder…
Such a stark example of just how nutty the justification line ‘everything in moderation’ really is. When is any harm actually acceptable? Can we even put ‘acceptable’ and ‘harm’ in the same sentence?
I sometimes imagine one of those bottles we keep out of kids reach with poison written on (once with a picture of skull and cross bones) and taking it out of the poisons cupboard, and putting it on the family dinner table, poured into certain glasses depending which type of poison it is, saying, ‘well its only in moderation’. This line conveniently places a cloud of acceptability over the bare facts, and begs the question, is any level of harm ever actually okay? How can it be? Imagine what we would say to a teen who was saying, ‘well I’m totally on top of this whole cutting thing, it’s only in moderation, I use a lovely vintage of knife’, etc.. The moderation thing would not stand up for a second, neither would the going around with the scars, and yet folks regularly laugh off turning up to work with the after effects of consuming a substance poisonous to the body as ‘acceptable’ – how really is it any different?
Defending this “in moderation” thing reminds me of another line we shoot off as a society and it refers to having to experience these things (drinking excessively) in order to be ‘who we are’
It’s a ‘You live and learn’ attitude, some might think it is a throw away thing we say but to me its not. I used to party a lot and hard and when people ask how I completely turned my life around they are very inspired but often they also cling to an ideal…..
“I had to do these things to shape the person I am today and that this kind of life experience is valuable”
I always question the logic behind this, as the illusion that brain damaging activity is adding anything to how amazing we are naturally as a new born baby – no longer makes sense to me. Some of the wisest, most together and inspiring influences in my life have never drunk a drop of alcohol and I think the above line is simply designed to makes us feel ‘better’ about our ill past choices. We do not need to fall down in order to appreciate standing up, in fact imagine just how far we might go if we didn’t buy into this false concept? Can we really imagine saying to our 13 year old daughters – ‘You need to go and get wasted and sleep around in order to shape your personality?’ Crazy and we never would but we defend the fact that we did it and that we ‘needed to live this way’.
This is summed up so well in the line: “We do not need to fall down in order to appreciate standing up”. And this goes not just for drinking and sleeping around, but anything we have got into, that ultimately does not support us to be who we truly are, or does not really care for us as we all so fully deserve. For example the idea of ‘doing it tough’ being ‘character building’, or similar.
I was at a women’s event recently and speaking a bit about life experiences – and it was said that the tougher the experience the more we would benefit or learn… as ‘part of ‘the journey” type thinking. Personally, all I got out of tough experiences was mostly a tougher, harder, more shielded and ‘more closed to love’ body, (and a whopping victim way of thinking to boot). This ‘all part of ‘the journey” extends to excuse and justify all the ill choices we make, say to give our power away to an abusive relationship, or an unloving ‘alternate’ lifestyle or to say it’s ‘character building’. Any unloving evolution thwarting activity “is adding anything to how amazing we are naturally as a new born baby .” There is often a ‘line’ we bring in no matter what the past bum steers we have got into, be it excessive drinking, or any drinking, and all manner of other forms of self abuse – For me, there is no possible benefit for having taken ourselves so far, or even at all, off track and I can see how holding onto this line is a form of dishonesty to not fully feel, and to remain in the familiarity of continuing to fog actions that harm ourselves and others. Time to call a spade a spade – and if something has not directly developed a more loving way of living – then it has not built anything – in fact the opposite, it has slowed us down from living a level of love and care we can only imagine we might otherwise be at.
Thank you Fiona for your sharing – you remind me not only how very far I have come, but how totally complete the change is – to the point that I cannot now imagine drugs played a part in my life, and knowing that these things are so far behind me they are beyond gone – I feel like they have actually been erased permanently. It was after a Chris James workshop that my ex-partner attended that I finally said no more to alcohol, pot, and other drugs, cigarettes were the last to go, and even those I am totally and completely free from, without a trace – nothing short of miraculous.
I remember feeling like I wasn’t being me, but then I didn’t know what/who the true me was like either. Rebuilding the connection and trust with myself through making more loving choices in everyday life has not always been easy, and I often forget to stop and appreciate how far I have come. So, thank you, Fiona, for sharing your joy with us – it was a perfect prompt for me.
Hi Fiona, what a beautiful testimony to Serge Benhayon. What a beautiful testimony to yourself as well for the choices you have made for yourself. You brought tears to my eyes with “I will never walk away from that love and understanding that I have come to know for myself through Serge Benhayon’s teachings. Why would I, when for the first time in my life I can say that I am truly living? My commitment to myself will never cease.” These are powerful words. Thank you for sharing so generously. Your sharing is inspirational for all.
Fiona your blog reminds me of how far I have come. I use to be a heavy drinker, smoker and well drugs always on the cards. I had the same ease and support from Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon as you experienced, never judging me and allowing me to come to things in my own time.
It made me laugh when you said that people couldn’t accept that you had stopped drinking, people still say occasionally to me, ‘I wish you could just have one drink with me”. Society views drinking as a bonding exercise and a way to bring people closer together but in truth when you look at what alcohol is doing to our nation it is actually tearing family and community apart. I connect more with people at work or over a mineral water than I ever did spending hours at the pub drinking and chain smoking.
“I connect more with people at work or over a mineral water than I ever did spending hours at the pub drinking and chain smoking.” – so true Sarahranebaldwin – me too, by miles. Even when I was not drinking I used to go to the local pub to ‘be with people’, but there was not a drop of connection, everyone was long gone and distant, and even just drinking water I’d still end up with a whopping hangover – so that had to stop too. Now I love really being with people, at the playground, beach, cafe, …alcohol out of the picture means when we look each other in the eye, we are there – priceless, no comparison really.
Yes I have been known to go to the pub and hang out with my friends when I was single, not drinking but I did also feel the effects of being in that environment. It not that I won’t go to the pub anymore but I will defiantly not choose to go unnecessarily as I just do not enjoy it. Since I made that decision I have not gone back for a longtime although I do go to restaurants and hotels that remind me of bars, they are not quite as intense as the pub, as a pubs only purpose seems to be to offer alcohol, quite depressing.
Thank you Fiona for being so honest and openly sharing your absolute commitment to yourself to self- care. How inspiring you are for others who also struggle with addiction, yes it can be a challenge, but the truth is we know we are worth it.
Brilliant Fiona, I love these real accounts – life gets really sticky and difficult when we are making those choices to numb ourselves and yet to some degree we all stay in it because we don’t (or we think we don’t) know any better. When we get that spark to change the impacts on our lives can be like earthquake aftershocks and the whole world has to change because of this. Literally. We are blessed to have this Fiona, the real Fiona back in the game fully committed and loving life – what an inspiration.
I wonder if we do know better and don’t want to deal with the consequences which are us being more and attracting more scrutiny?
Wow Fiona, thank you for sharing such an honest and inspiring blog. It was amazing how you woke up one morning and just decided to quit smoking. To read how you then slowly gave up all the other abusive substances is incredible. It was very interesting to read how difficult it was to give up alcohol. I can relate to what you shared how people react to you choosing not to drink. I had chosen not to drink in my late teens because of what alcohol did to my body. I was always having to explain to people why I chose not to drink. It seemed very odd to most people and they simply found it very difficult to understand or accept that anyone would simply choose not to drink. Alcohol definitely has a very strong hold on many people’s lives, the damage and harm it does is not openly spoken about or willing to be recognized. It was very interesting to hear that out of all the substances that you took, alcohol was the most difficult to give up. It is probably the most widely accepted lethal drug used throughout the world.
It is amazing to be able to say ‘now I am truly living’ after breaking free of all the drugs, alcohol and behaviours that many of us were using to numb ourselves against the pain of not living who we truly are! You did so well Fiona to just stop every vice one at a time, as your awareness grew around caring for yourself and you also managed to negotiate the difficulty that our friends and family can have when we make these life changing choices. Yes it can be challenging, but the truth is we know we are worth it.
It was so lovely to read your blog Fiona – and I felt the following words described the feeling that I had when ‘I started to actually care about myself in a way that I had always wanted someone else to care about me’. It was a wonderful feeling to not be looking outside for that love and to know that it was there any time I chose to connect to myself – and to God.
As others have shared in the comments Fiona, the fact that you have been able to feel and claim what is true and stick by that choice to say no to drugs, alcohol and smoking is inspiring. This just goes to show how we can very simply stick by our feelings regardless of what those around us are doing. Like yesterday, I felt not to have a desert after dinner, knowing for me that it would have been way too much and I would have felt terrible afterwards, but what I didn’t clock until later and even now is that that it is worth appreciating. The fact that we do have it in us to say ‘No’ to what we feel is not true! That blows all those thoughts and lies of ‘we are powerless’ ‘we can’t change the world/our lives/situations’ out of the water.
What strikes me about your story Fiona is how natural your transition has been, not easy but natural in the sense that you have owned every inspired choice rather than taking directions from outside yourself. Serge Benhayon’s unimposing presentations support our evolution in this way so beautifully.
I can so relate to this story you have shared. I was in the past full of angst, anger and self loathing. Not that you would have ever known, because i was on the outside living a life that other people wanted to. Good job, great friends, freedom to do as i pleased, holidays when i wanted them, no responsibilities other than the next night out and work commitments. But inside i was full of pain, depression and didn’t really like myself much at all. It took a long time to pull myself out of the reality that i’d created, this was aided by meeting Serge Benhayon and attending Universal Medicine presentations. I would not have been able to turn my life around as i have, without having a level of love, truth, harmony, responsibility, stillness and so much more reflected to me. Explaining that life did not have to feel like a chore, something you had to endure. But something joyful, wonderful and amazing every day.
Fiona thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. Your amazing commitment to self-care and self-love has supported you to make true and lasting changes in your life. How inspiring you are to others who also struggle with addiction – your lived experiences and choice to deeply heal from these addictions is very empowering and supportive in so many ways.
Pretty awesome turnaround Fiona, life is so much better when you make self loving choices
Fiona your absolute commitment to yourself is very inspiring to me. With a solid daily foundation like that the sky is the limit in terms of what you can do with and for yourself and others!
I want the world to know your story Fiona how many of us have been lost in alcohol and drugs when really we where just looking to find ourselves. We have a world wide problem of alcohol and drug abuse and your blog shows us the miracle that is waiting for us if we start to choose differently “Now I live a full and joyful life. I love work. I’m closer to my family and friends than I have ever been. And I don’t even think about wanting a drink or a drug to get me though the day. Instead my day is enough for me and I absolutely love it.” Thank you for sharing.
“But I always felt like there was something missing in my life, and I knew deep down that I was holding myself back in some way. The problem was I was so unconfident within myself that I never trusted my own feelings, and always defaulted to others’ opinions, feelings and ideas, even when I didn’t really want to,” This could have been me writing these words. I defaulted to nail-biting and chocolate – and later spiritual modalities in my search for truth – instead of drugs, but it was the same energy. Since discovering Universal Medicine my life too has turned around and I am learning the true meaning of love, which starts with loving myself. As you say “‘I started to actually care about myself in a way that I had always wanted someone else to care about me”.
Thank You Fiona for openly sharing your story about drugs and alcohol. I have recently studied this subject and what you are sharing about the substances having a “hold” on you is true. No amount of drug therapy is going to work unless the person wants change, is truly seeking change or has someone in front of them that is willing to support them to bring about change. In your case Serge Benhayon was that man. In my work, I bring about miracles just by being me, allowing them to truly feel and know they are being met for who they are and without judgement. Once the guard is down and trust is built – which takes time as consistency and commitment is needed on my part, then real change occurs. I have this confirmed over and over again in my work and so I am left with no doubt – If we want to see change in our world then we have to LIVE it first.
Thank you Fiona and Bina, I agree, drugs of every description are hard to give up. I was truly seeking change and placed all my drugs legal and illegal, in the too hard basket and gave them all up. The difference with alcohol is that everyone wants to think it is okay because it is legal in today’s western society. I gave up everything you described plus caffeine on 1/1/1992. My body literally shook for over 6 weeks. It took another 10 years until I discovered the teachings of Serge Benhayon that inspired me to look deeply into what had I replaced the drugs with and whether my life was full or empty. It became plainly obvious I was still empty and had just replaced the drugs in my life with food, sugars, chocolate, new age teaching, arrogance, emotional out plays, empty sex and consistently searching for the next big excitement. Love is forever expanding in my body and slowly filling my emptiness that is left after a life time of not making loving choices.
Wow Fiona what a powerful transformation and the commitment you have made to yourself is truly inspiring. Although I feel I wobble in my commitment to me, I found reading your words I too never doubt what I have felt from what Serge Benhayon presents and his amazing consistency, love and wisdom is unending. But what I also realise is that we all have this within us, it comes back to choosing love, responsibility and ourselves above all else.
‘I started to actually care about myself in a way that I had always wanted someone else to care about me’….Your words are very true, very inspiring and very transformational. Awesome sharing Fiona!
Yes, and then we naturally care equally deeply for others, inspiring them to do the same for themselves.
Fiona, you are an absolute inspiration and I am soo grateful you shared your story.
One day I made a choice to stop drinking alcohol, it was very easy as I had that same feeling that I never really liked it but being such an ingrained part of society I just went along with everyone else. I just knew at that point I would never drink again, because the choice came about from caring more about myself. However, I noticed the same thing as you Fiona, in social situations people always really wanted me to have a drink and would try to persuade me too. It seemed to make them uncomfortable, which is quite interesting when you consider how most social situations are designed around drinking alcohol, and unless the choice is a real commitment to loving you, it is tricky to avoid any temptation. Serge Benhayon is a great inspiration, as he never tells anyone what to do, but by showing how he lives with such deep love, care and integrity, it seems to make it very easy and natural to let go of things that don’t support us. Very different to the discomfort and force of going cold turkey which never seems to last anyway…
Fiona you have shared yourself with such honesty and grace. It is truly inspirational to feel the changes you have made. Reconnection is freedom. 🙂
Wow, what amazing changes you have made in your life, vey inspirational!
Beautiful to read how, from simple changes you made, you “..started to trust my own feelings and love myself.” Amazing to read how empowering such changes can be. Thank you for your sharing Fiona.
This is a super blog Fiona, full of blessings for all who read your extraordinary journey back to yourself. I loved what you wrote about enjoying life more and more after caring for yourself in a way that you had always wanted others to care for you. It is clear that the joy this commitment to yourself has brought your life is profound and thoroughly inspiring as it reminds us that we are the ones who decide how awesome our life can be.
Having used all those recreational drugs I know it can be difficult at times to make the choice to walk away. Fiona, your story further confirms that once we get to feel the innate Love and Joy within us that choice becomes much easier. Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine have been and continue to be the most extraordinary support for making choices that have us return to the innate Love and Joy that we are.. and, without the slightest bit of imposition.
Fiona, your story is a testimony of your great capacity to renounce to what is not true and to learn to trust your feelings regarding what is true. Beautiful!
You’re a shining star, Fiona, so sparkling. I wondered, where did you get the will and power from, to quit all those self-abusing patterns? As for me I can say, it’s God’s grace and my choice to feel it.
Wunderbar Fiona I am deeply impressed about the choices you have made all on your own!!!! That is truly inspiring for others. Thank you so much Fiona for sharing this so open-heartedly.
Interesting how we get reactions from outside when we make choices which truly support our health and well-being but are against the common comfort.
Your blog is such a joy to read Fiona, a true testament to the changes that can be made in ones life when the truth of who we are is presented by a man, Serge Benhayon who inspires us all with his deep love, as he is one who walks the talk.
We all know when something is missing in our lives and this was how I felt. When I came across Serge Benhayon and his presentations it made so much sense. Beautiful read.
Absolutely beautiful Fiona. The words in your closing paragraph are particularly touching as I feel in you a woman who deeply loves and respects herself. I was amazed to read how difficult it was for people to accept your decision to no longer drink alcohol – characteristic of how imbedded drinking alcohol is within our society, but also how miserable we are that we need alcohol as a crutch; so that when someone says – no thanks I’m choosing to love me – it makes others feel very uncomfortable.
Great point Shevonsimon, most people react because they feel uncomfortable. I know when I go into reaction about anything it is because I am not connected to myself, not willing to deal with my hurts and definitely not choosing to live with love and truth. I still go into reaction with certain things at home but I am learning that I can choose not to react. Learning to be more aware of when I am about to react and choosing to not go there. By building a loving rhythm and making loving choices will help me see things with clarity. I am then able to become more of an observer and detach from difficult situations.
Thank you Fiona for writing this so honestly. Is it a “pack mentality” that made people around you to keep you drinking when you were trying to stop? I suppose that people think when doing something harmful, it will make it less so if many people do it changing “harm” into “norm”?
What I find very interesting is, how it is more socially acceptable to say no to the offer of a cigarette, but not so with alcohol, when I say no to the latter I get nagged and questioned all evening. I wonder if this is because there is more awareness around the harm caused,to our bodies through smoking, and less awareness of the detrimental affects of alcohol to our brains and body?
Isn’t it interesting that alcohol was the toughest one to give up, and the impression I get from the blog is that because of its wide social acceptance, when you did give it up was challenging for everyone else around. The change raises the question for them too… it’s less confronting when we all carry on with the same behaviours without asking the question of ‘does that really support me’?
Amazing Fiona, I love your new choices, so empowering.
Wow what a beautiful transformation Fiona and I totally agree with you when you say ‘Serge and his teachings have supported me to come to myself in my own way and at my own time.’ Thank you for sharing your story to which many will relate.
Fiona I relate to all the things you have shared especially the experience of stopping drinking, as people can get very cross! Which for me, says more about our normal behaviour to distract ourselves. Like you share, it is now normal to care for myself and it feels great. I never miss drinking, ever and I love waking up feeling good, feeling free of an induced hangover or something else. It feels amazing to be consistent in this way and lays a foundation that I can build on to bring more love, nurturing and tenderness to my life.
Haha – its New Year’s day here in the UK, and I was just thinking the same thing this morning… enjoying not having the hangover that is so traditional!
An open, honest and inspirational sharing…thank you Fiona.
What an awesome sharing, Fiona. I love that you speak of the “defaulting” to others’ opinions, etc – how we knowingly over-ride what we feel to be right/not right for us, & can so readily give ourselves away based on what the ‘norm’ is around us. I know I have done the same – particularly with alcohol – largely born from deep needs to belong, to be accepted, and to numb myself and seek outside myself for what was right and true. The culture around it is so enormous. I remember the ‘answer’ to a stressful event in my family was ‘brandy straight up’ – yes, there was some discussion of what may have transpired, but ‘you needed a drink to handle it’, then more than ever. I perpetuated this for many years in my own living also. When I rang my parents to tell them my first marriage was over, I clearly recall saying two things to my father, “Are you sitting down?” and, “You might want a drink.” When I finally acknowledged alcohol wasn’t right for me, it came to a point where quite a bit of ‘hell broke loose’ – particularly in my family. I got to see just how much I’d compromised myself in regards to what was true for me, and I got to see how staunchly – even vehemently – people who I know love me, could become intensely ‘non-loving’, just because my ‘norm’ no longer reflected theirs.
What if the ‘norm’ were something else, something based on ‘caring for ourselves’, as you’ve so beautifully expressed? How much easier it would be, to make a loving choice for oneself, even when there is inner pain seeking a relief, an outlet, a numbing from our pain (via drugs and alcohol).. To read of others who have found another way – that what’s within is worth so much more than to be denigrated and only further ‘smashed’ by drugs and alcohol – is always amazing and inspiring. Thank-you.
True courage, is surely where we make ‘choices’, that aren’t even really a ‘choice’ – for love knows what is true and right for us, and what is not. It’s simple. Thank-you to people like Serge Benhayon and Chris James for sharing this simplicity with us, and presenting us with another ‘norm’ – founded in love.
Love the ending about never walking away from that love again – hear, hear, and I also absolutely agree with you about feeling for the first time (since all the previous lifestyle choices) like you are living. There is a freeness in your expression with which I resonate – thank you Fiona.
Fiona, thank you for your beautiful open sharing of your story… I just had to read this bit out loud to the person sitting next to me; “I started to trust my own feelings and love myself. I found that as I took more care of myself I enjoyed life more and more ” I’ve seen this is so true in others and felt it myself.
I too feel the same. I feel incredible, the loving choices I am making now was unthinkable for me in the past. With each day, I can choose more loving choices and slowly build on them and refine them as I feel to. One of the biggest lessons for me was learning to listen to my body, honouring, cherishing and caring for it more than I ever done before.
Thank you Fiona. It is so empowering to realise that we have a choice. I was touched by your words: “I started to actually care about myself in a way that I had always wanted someone else to care about me”.
I remember over 30 years ago when I was a nurse having a revelation that I was caring for my patients as I wanted someone else to care for me. Even though I had the revelation, I still did not make the choice to care for myself and never felt cared for.
It was only after I was met by Serge Benhayon that I met myself and started to care for myself in the way that I had always wanted to be cared for. This (whilst still a work in progress) has brought about a huge healing and transformation to my life and enabled me to express true caring to others without need.
I also remember feeling that sometimes I just wanted to be taken care of. With forever deepening self-care this need disappears and I agree Nicola, it has also enabled me to express true care to others also without feeling any resentment or need for it to be reciprocated. Another revelatory way being a part of Universal Medicine has changed our lives.
It is true but it also showed an unusual level of care even then.
There is a beautiful commitment to you in your words Fiona that is strong, yet quite poetic almost song like (too much singing with Chris James, perhaps – ha ha). I have known you for over 5 years now, yet, reading your piece felt like I was getting to know you for the first time – there is an air of freshness that is boundless.
I related to your alcohol experience very much. I remember every time I drank I kept saying this is not me, this is not me and I don’t like this me. And like you said, not one person told me to give it up – my first heart chakra workshop with Serge Benhayon and I walked out knowing that I could never ever drink again – as much as I could drink diesel or boiling oil!!
I like this particular quote by Lady Astor:
“One reason why I don’t drink is because I wish to know when I am having a good time.”
May sobriety and good food keep us in good health 🙂
I love that quote “One reason why I don’t drink is because I wish to know when I am having a good time.”, total classic Dragana! I really enjoyed this blog and I am so glad that I found it and your comment buried down here in 2012.
I’m with you Sarahraynebaldwin, so glad I found this blog and Dragana’s classic quote. What a great blog, and I can relate to the backlash from so-called friends to having made healthier choices. I love the steadiness of Fiona’s resolve…all the hooks of substances dissolved and long gone. I’m so grateful I’m also in that boat, I used to stop smoking, pot, or alcohol, or other drugs for a year or two, but it was always in the background, nagging away to various degrees. Now it is totally cleared out, without a trace, and has absolutely no in-road possibility – to the point I can barely imagine it was me at all – feels so different – and I could not be more thankful to Universal Medicine for this complete shift.
I feel exactly the same Kate and when I read your words I feel like you are talking for me. This is how I feel too!!!!
“Now it is totally cleared out, without a trace, and has absolutely no in-road possibility – to the point I can barely imagine it was me at all – feels so different – and I could not be more thankful to Universal Medicine for this complete shift.”
Thank you beautifully shared.
It’s a pretty amazing thing to be really clocked and appreciated hey Sarah. I’d say there are plenty of others who have had the benefits of the support of Universal Medicine who feel the same.
Yes Kate, it sure is and it feels like you speak for the plenty of others when you write, very universal style you have.