by Amina Tumi – 31 – London
I am 31, and have been in a 6 year relationship spread over 10 years that was always up and down. We had broken up several times, hence it being over 10 years. I was always wondering if he was the right one as the pressure to be with the ‘THE ONE’ is huge, and I was always finding faults with him, and in our relationship.
The pressure I felt from friends, family, work colleagues, magazines, TV etc to not just be in a relationship, but to be with the ‘THE ONE’, was always lingering around me like a bad smell: it is interesting as I never let myself stop to really feel why I was letting this affect me in this way, and why I felt so needy to be in a perfect relationship. All I knew was that if you found ‘THE ONE’, then you could be happy.
My idea of a relationship at this point was that you both must really love each other on a very deep emotional level, you must always be there for each other, and that there must be a very deep connection between the two of you from the first time you lay eyes on each other – something that you cannot explain but that would grow the more you were together; also that you should find each other funny and enjoy being with each other. I even wrote a list of all the things that he must have so I could tick the list and know that he was ‘THE ONE’. Things like – he must be good looking, have some money, like to dance etc…
After I met Serge Benhayon and listened to what he had to say about relationships, I realised that what I was looking for I would never find, as the ‘THE ONE’ did not actually exist; but that working on me (my own stuff) and my own relationship with me is what ‘THE ONE’ in fact is, not someone or something outside of me.
So, as I started this process I found it to be very hard to keep the focus on me; I kept wanting to turn my focus onto my partner as I really did not want to look at me and the choices that I was making, or the way in which I was living. I realised that I had found an easy way of not dealing with my issues by focusing on his. I was stressed most of the time, very moody and I complained a lot, so I was not very nice to be around most of the time… but I knew deep down that this was not truly me.
I would blame him for the fact that I felt down, unattractive and ugly. I would start arguments with him so that he felt down, too. Why was I putting so much pressure on him to make me feel good?
I would get horribly jealous when I saw him look at another woman, and boy oh boy! was he in trouble if he spoke to one; seeing him speak to another woman would make me feel unattractive and ugly… I would feel so awful and then I’d take it out on him by starting an argument… and then we would have a fight or just not talk to each other for awhile (sometimes days).
The list really goes on, and what was really concerning is that my relationship looked amazing on the outside, and in comparison to the people around me it really was amazing, but I knew that there must be more to a relationship than what I was experiencing.
I finally started to look at what was really going on with me, and I found that not looking after myself and being exhausted all the time had a huge part to play here, but once I started dealing with these issues I could then start to look further into deep hurts that I had been carrying for a long time; some relating to my Mum & Dad.
As I started looking at my deeper issues I then naturally started to take responsibility for me and my actions. It is quite incredible how much of my life I was blaming other people for the situations I found myself in, or for the way I was feeling: not only was this giving my power away but it was stopping me from taking full responsibility for myself and my life.
This simple fact revealed itself very clearly to me: unless I started to change then nothing else around me would change – and so I continued to unpick and expose the way in which I was living that I did not feel had been supporting me. Simone Benhayon has helped me to see that I was not taking responsibility, so I have a lot to thank her for; along with Serge and Natalie Benhayon and Sara Williams, who are amazing Practitioners not because of what they do or say, but because of the way they live and the reflections I have seen and felt from them.
As I worked on me and started to truly take care of my body and how I did things, I realised how far away from being truly ‘in-love’ I was with my partner. As I was not in-love with me, how could I be in-love with him? That, as you can imagine, presented itself as a crossroads in our relationship, which was great and also interesting, as he (my partner), totally agreed that there were in fact big problems in our relationship, and that we had been sweeping them under the carpet and focussing instead on our new home that we had just bought a year before. Unfortunately, he chose to not deal with his stuff/issues and was happy to keep things as they were, but this I could not do as I wanted to take our relationship to the next level so we could truly be in-love, and truly enjoy every day with each other.
This was not an easy time to say the least, but it was necessary, and although I also had lots of fear of being on my own (hence the pressure to be in a relationship), our relationship ended a year and half ago. It has, without a shadow of doubt, been one of the hardest but most amazing years of my life as I have started a true relationship with myself, getting to know who I am. This has been amazing and feels so lovely to give myself the time to do so, while not feeling the rush to be in another relationship.
I have found that there has been so much that I have picked up over the years from other influences that is not truly me, and is not the way in which I would truly choose to do things. For example, what clothes to wear? It has in the past been about impressing other people and/or trying to get attention from boys/men, instead of just feeling how beautiful I am already and wearing clothes to confirm me. I have found I am now playful with the way I get dressed and I give myself the time to really feel what to wear, taking into account how my body really feels. For example, I wear softer fabrics if my skin feels a little irritated or I wear slightly looser clothing if I feel bloated.
I am very much enjoying my relationship with me and allowing this to develop; for the first time I have decided to give myself some time to really get to know me and the way I want to live life that feels right for me & my body. I am open to a relationship, but not because I need one to make me feel like a woman, or out of fear of being alone and not having someone to love me, but because I feel it would be amazing to have someone to complement me, and I them, in a way that feels simple and playful.