Pressure To Be In A Relationship With ‘The One’

by Amina Tumi – 31 – London

I am 31, and have been in a 6 year relationship spread over 10 years that was always up and down. We had broken up several times, hence it being over 10 years. I was always wondering if he was the right one as the pressure to be with the ‘THE ONE’ is huge, and I was always finding faults with him, and in our relationship.

The pressure I felt from friends, family, work colleagues, magazines, TV etc to not just be in a relationship, but to be with the ‘THE ONE’, was always lingering around me like a bad smell: it is interesting as I never let myself stop to really feel why I was letting this affect me in this way, and why I felt so needy to be in a perfect relationship. All I knew was that if you found ‘THE ONE’, then you could be happy. 

My idea of a relationship at this point was that you both must really love each other on a very deep emotional level, you must always be there for each other, and that there must be a very deep connection between the two of you from the first time you lay eyes on each other – something that you cannot explain but that would grow the more you were together; also that you should find each other funny and enjoy being with each other. I even wrote a list of all the things that he must have so I could tick the list and know that he was ‘THE ONE’. Things like – he must be good looking, have some money, like to dance etc…

After I met Serge Benhayon and listened to what he had to say about relationships, I realised that what I was looking for I would never find, as the ‘THE ONE’ did not actually exist; but that working on me (my own stuff) and my own relationship with me is what ‘THE ONE’ in fact is, not someone or something outside of me.

So, as I started this process I found it to be very hard to keep the focus on me; I kept wanting to turn my focus onto my partner as I really did not want to look at me and the choices that I was making, or the way in which I was living. I realised that I had found an easy way of not dealing with my issues by focusing on his. I was stressed most of the time, very moody and I complained a lot, so I was not very nice to be around most of the time… but I knew deep down that this was not truly me.

I would blame him for the fact that I felt down, unattractive and ugly. I would start arguments with him so that he felt down, too. Why was I putting so much pressure on him to make me feel good?

I would get horribly jealous when I saw him look at another woman, and boy oh boy! was he in trouble if he spoke to one; seeing him speak to another woman would make me feel unattractive and ugly… I would feel so awful and then I’d take it out on him by starting an argument… and then we would have a fight or just not talk to each other for awhile (sometimes days).

The list really goes on, and what was really concerning is that my relationship looked amazing on the outside, and in comparison to the people around me it really was amazing, but I knew that there must be more to a relationship than what I was experiencing.

I finally started to look at what was really going on with me, and I found that not looking after myself and being exhausted all the time had a huge part to play here, but once I started dealing with these issues I could then start to look further into deep hurts that I had been carrying for a long time; some relating to my Mum & Dad.

As I started looking at my deeper issues I then naturally started to take responsibility for me and my actions. It is quite incredible how much of my life I was blaming other people for the situations I found myself in, or for the way I was feeling: not only was this giving my power away but it was stopping me from taking full responsibility for myself and my life.

This simple fact revealed itself very clearly to me: unless I started to change then nothing else around me would change – and so I continued to unpick and expose the way in which I was living that I did not feel had been supporting me. Simone Benhayon has helped me to see that I was not taking responsibility, so I have a lot to thank her for; along with Serge and Natalie Benhayon and Sara Williams, who are amazing Practitioners not because of what they do or say, but because of the way they live and the reflections I have seen and felt from them.

As I worked on me and started to truly take care of my body and how I did things, I realised how far away from being truly ‘in-love’ I was with my partner. As I was not in-love with me, how could I be in-love with him? That, as you can imagine, presented itself as a crossroads in our relationship, which was great and also interesting, as he (my partner), totally agreed that there were in fact big problems in our relationship, and that we had been sweeping them under the carpet and focussing instead on our new home that we had just bought a year before. Unfortunately, he chose to not deal with his stuff/issues and was happy to keep things as they were, but this I could not do as I wanted to take our relationship to the next level so we could truly be in-love, and truly enjoy every day with each other.

This was not an easy time to say the least, but it was necessary, and although I also had lots of fear of being on my own (hence the pressure to be in a relationship), our relationship ended a year and half ago. It has, without a shadow of doubt, been one of the hardest but most amazing years of my life as I have started a true relationship with myself, getting to know who I am. This has been amazing and feels so lovely to give myself the time to do so, while not feeling the rush to be in another relationship.

I have found that there has been so much that I have picked up over the years from other influences that is not truly me, and is not the way in which I would truly choose to do things. For example, what clothes to wear? It has in the past been about impressing other people and/or trying to get attention from boys/men, instead of just feeling how beautiful I am already and wearing clothes to confirm me. I have found I am now playful with the way I get dressed and I give myself the time to really feel what to wear, taking into account how my body really feels. For example, I wear softer fabrics if my skin feels a little irritated or I wear slightly looser clothing if I feel bloated.

I am very much enjoying my relationship with me and allowing this to develop; for the first time I have decided to give myself some time to really get to know me and the way I want to live life that feels right for me & my body. I am open to a relationship, but not because I need one to make me feel like a woman, or out of fear of being alone and not having someone to love me, but because I feel it would be amazing to have someone to complement me, and I them, in a way that feels simple and playful.

294 thoughts on “Pressure To Be In A Relationship With ‘The One’

  1. What if I held myself as if I were The One? What if I treated myself in a way which I would like to be treated? Would I hold harmony with myself or go into arguments? Would I appreciate rather than complain? Would I want someone to be jealous of me when I spoke with another man? Everything that I wish someone would be with me, I would first be that with myself.

  2. I remember holding a perfect picture around looking for the perfect partner. It wasn’t necessarily a conscious thing it was more how I thought you did it. My eyes were opened further and as the article is saying,”As I started looking at my deeper issues I then naturally started to take responsibility for me and my actions. It is quite incredible how much of my life I was blaming other people for the situations I found myself in, or for the way I was feeling: not only was this giving my power away but it was stopping me from taking full responsibility for myself and my life.” Once life was viewed through this quality of lens things kept changing and in this change the world opened up and keeps doing so. This relationship with the quality you are supports everything else and makes sense.

  3. Lovely to read how you took the time for all this honesty to deepen the relation with you and start loving yourself.
    We can have an outer look what is very beautiful but if we do not love ourselves we find ourselves having problems how we look. The ugliness we see is the energy we choose to move in which gets revealed.

  4. “All I knew was that if you found ‘THE ONE’, then you could be happy” What a fallacy this is and yet we dearly hope it is the truth. Unfortunately it takes 2 to tango and every relationship we enter means we bring ourselves to it, with all of our own issues which we are responsible for. Ouch!

  5. Relationships are brought to us to learn about ourselves, we usually miss this single purpose and search instead for someone to meet all our needs and usually fail dismally. Hugely healing to be humble and willing to see the part we played in relationships past and present.

  6. Relationships are the most wonderful insight and reflection of my beliefs about what a relationship should be.
    The absence of relationship is equally as revealing if I’m willing to be open and look at my stuff.

  7. “working on me (my own stuff) and my own relationship with me is what ‘THE ONE’ in fact is, not someone or something outside of me.” This is the same for us for all relationships.

  8. THE ONE does exist and I married him. Mind you whoever I was with would be THE ONE as everyONE is and as I am too (not two).

  9. Reaction is so normal in many relationships but what if in truth there does not have to be reaction in the relationship in the first place and when there is it can be dealt with and healed then and there? It may be hard for many to hear but what is the foundation of ones relationship when reaction is the way and not love. In short, reaction is NOT love and it does NOT have to be the norm.

  10. It takes humility to start to look at ourselves and see our part in relationships and it can be painful to see ourselves at first. But as we learn to love ourselves more and more, it becomes clear that every relationship works from the inside out and is therefore our responsibility with no one to blame for how things are. Learning this lesson has transformed every relationship in my life leaving me to be love with others, rather than to seek it from them.

  11. ‘working on me (my own stuff) and my own relationship with me is what ‘THE ONE’ in fact is’ … Yes that is true, it all starts with our relationship with ourselves, it sets the basis for all other relationships.

  12. The desperate search for ‘the one’ is but a convenient alibi we use for the fact that we are not yet willing to commit to a truly evolving relationship.

  13. I understand the pressure for finding ‘the one’ – when we enter relationships we enter with so many conditions, and so to find security with another we seek to have a relationship which won’t hurt us , but meanwhile missing out in the potential of a truly loving, joy full, expressing, expanding, growing, enriching, evolving relationship.

  14. Love your sharing Amina – when relationship with self is honest and transparent and we don’t reserve ourself in the world, then a relationship with another would be simply amazing if two came together who both lived this way – power relationship.

  15. I used to think that the pressure to find ‘the one’ would end when I met a man I loved who loved me but I’ve discovered that is definitely not the case. The grass is greener attitude is one that denies and avoids responsibility. The ‘one’ that can truly love us has been with us all along.

  16. There is so much pressure put on our personal relationships. As the article is saying “The One” is huge belief we take on from growing up and we measure a lot of things back towards that point. We were never shown how to be in relationships or even was it spoken about how the way to be in relationship with anyone was to first develop the relationship with yourself. I mean it would make sense that to give or bring anything to anyone else you would first need to know and understand what the ‘anything’ was for you. Growing up loving someone was always something you did and yet now that love is a two way street and my part in how loving I am with everything directly effects everything else. The moment that I chose to make relationships more personal, meaning self reflective, was the moment that things changed dramatically. Life was making more and more sense.

  17. It is arrogant to ask another to love us in a way that we are not prepared to love ourselves. Great blog Amina.

  18. ‘I have decided to give myself some time to really get to know me and the way I want to live life that feels right for me & my body.’ How many people really allow for this in their lives? Having some time when we are not in a relationship is a period of grace where we can deepen much more to who we truly are and appreciate all that we are and all that we have to offer.

  19. “All I knew was that if you found ‘THE ONE’, then you could be happy.” When we realise that we are ‘The One’ then we can be at one with all.

  20. No matter whether we are single or in a relationship, the one we are looking for is always us–we are always the one! The one whom we spend the most time with, the one whom we sleep with every night, the one who has the ability and response-ability to empower ourselves, to care for ourselves and to deeply behold ourselves. And while this is on-going, it is simply natural to extend how we are being with ourselves (i.e. lovingly or not lovingly) with those around us.

    1. This is most beautifully and poignantly said Adele, so very true and the beauty of it shines through.

  21. I remember having a list of what my perfect guy would be like. I did think I had found the one (several times), but these poor guys never had a chance against my list. When I realised how important the relationship with myself was, I started to work on myself rather than find someone to fill the gaps I wasn’t paying attention to. It then took the pressure off finding anyone, because I had become more content in myself.

  22. Placing blame on others is like sending out these tendrils that leave you suspended and others tied up in an invisible web. Choosing to take responsibility and reflecting on what is happening within, feels like it builds our connection to ourselves, also freeing up others to be who they are (no tendrils attempting to control them). Your experience in relationships Amina, and your honesty is so supportive for those that are faced with the same challenges and hooks.

  23. Attending Universal Medicine supports me to take responsibility and heal the relationship with self so that I can be a vessel of true love which is the foundation for my relationship with everything. Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine’s integrity to taking responsibility for oneself is second to none and what inspires me to be a student of myself and life.

  24. This blog provides great insight into relationships Amina. I am in a relationship for the first time in a long time and I can relate to a lot of what you have shared. In fact the state of the relationship I have with myself has never been more obvious. I know without a doubt that had I not begun to see relationships as a reflection I would not have been able to have any one.

  25. This applies to all relationships – we concentrate on others and how they are to avoid dealing with our own hurts and issues; it’s a game we can play forever as we cannot change another but we can change ourselves and this changes our relationships. We can take care of our part.

  26. Thank you Amina for your honest and open sharing. I love that you have presented ‘the one’ is, in truth, us. It is so important for us to be the one for ourselves, bringing love, truth, simplicity and fun to the relationship with ourselves.

  27. You describe honestly how to use a relationship to blame for the self-worth issues that we have, it is so easy to go down that road.Then there is also always so much potential in a relationship that we do not tend to see or only sometimes have a glimpse of, because we focus so much on our inadequacies. I have also learned to turn towards myself and bring the love that I seek to myself instead of demanding it from the world and all that I am upset about that I see in the world/others has a trigger point in me thus something for me to work with instead of blaming that what I don’t like to see.

  28. Thank you Amina I agree with all you share . To be in relationship first with ourselves is key here. There is not ever “The One” in our lives and the more I understand that the more life flows and the pressure is let go of.

  29. Loving yourself is the all important missing most valued commodity of life. You can have and / or spend all your life continually creating everything outside of you, but if you do not love yourself none of that will truly mean anything to you in truth when you are faced with how much you appreciate about yourself and feel in your body, for that everything will be a distraction to fill the void of not loving yourself in your body. The everything needs to be embodied inside you, it is already there.

  30. I love your honesty here. I am sure there are many many people that are in a relationship simply because they do not want to be on their own. And yes if we do not have a true relationship with ourselves then how on earth can we have a true relationship with another/others? I loved what you shared here ‘I would never find, as the ‘THE ONE’ did not actually exist; but that working on me (my own stuff) and my own relationship with me is what ‘THE ONE’ in fact is, not someone or something outside of me.’ For in truth we are all THE ONE!

  31. The need to be in a relationship for literally every person in this world is huge. This is something I am working on, feeling the insidious ways need can sneak in – it can be through a simple question that underneath is loaded – by listening to it you would not think this, but the body can feel everything. So partners may not hear this in words but they can feel it, as we all can. And need can come in any relationship, family, work colleagues, friends. I know from my own experience I really don’t like feeling neediness. It’s great to feel it though and nominate it – then look at why we / I have these needs – I can say a lack of self love. This doesn’t mean we have to end relationships as we can work on our issues without reacting and saying I can’t be with you. But for some it may be the true and most loving choice to move on with love, from the relationship, for both people to make.

  32. Its lucky that we can never leave ‘the one’ that really counts. At some point in everyone’s lives we get the opportunity to wake up and realise that its our relationship with ourselves first that makes the real difference.. and the rest flow from there.

  33. Beautifully raw and honest, and particularly like the final sentence – of being open to a relationship as an opportunity to complement who you are, rather than fill a void. It gives that sense that a relationship is an adventure, an opportunity to take self love, share it with another at whatever level we are at, and most importantly evolve together.

  34. It seems we would rather trek to Mount Everest or the South Pole instead of loving ourselves and listening to our soul. We have all sorts of issues and carry on in the most ridiculous way. But as you highlight beautifully Amina, it always returns to our relationship with us at the end of the day. This intimate and vulnerable place is one well worth traveling to.

  35. This is gold, it isn’t about the partner, or fear of being alone. But relationships are first and foremost build on the relationship with ourselves before anything else. The one isn’t out there, it is deep within ourselves.

  36. Amina, I love the honesty you bring to this blog and the awareness of how much easier it is (for all of us) to blame others rather than develop a deeper relationship with you first and foremost. A great realisation that there is no basis for love with another until we can love and accept ourself.

  37. Any movement made towards an image of what we think is it, feels like a movement away from the essence of who we are and living that in life. It’s a great example, the image of the perfect man or woman being sought, but what is the intention behind the details in the picture and why do we want that over what is true and will serve our evolution?

  38. I have certainly put expectations on partners to be ‘the one’ ‘my other half’, but I can now see that this will always lead to disappointment because it is no-ones responsibility to make up for my own unwillingness to step into and live all that I am. The beauty of your sharing Amina is that we begin to see how out relationship with ourself is the key and our foundation to all other relationships and when we are solid in this there are no expectations on others only a willingness to support each other to grow as people.

  39. What you have revealed here about making relationship tensions all about ‘the other’ is something everyone needs to hear Amina. This occurs so often. It’s seems far easier to blame our discontent upon another, rather than truly take responsibility for our own part in any scenario of disharmony, any situation lacking in love.
    What tremendous learning ground we have for truly knowing ourselves, and thereby expanding our understanding of all others, in all of our relationships. If we truly took the responsibility for our own part here, and allowed ourselves to express and relate to each other with honesty and a transparency that’s not afraid to ‘get it wrong’ sometimes, how this world would change…

  40. Phew, it’s a wonder isn’t it Amina, with all the notions of ‘the one’ and expectations we bring to relationships, that any survive at all… Thank goodness for coming back to ourselves, that we can begin with the fundamental relationship that determines the quality of them all.

    1. So true Victoria – it’s very easy to get caught in ‘the one’ when Hollywood films, magazines and all sorts of other media mediums sell the idea and romanticise the notion of destiny. it feels awesome to know that we are all the ones and no one can ever be the only one.

      1. ‘Destiny’ is a great word to bring to this conversation Rachael, for it is so deeply disempowering isn’t it – we are either ‘destined’ to be with so-and-so, or ‘destined’ to achieve this or that (if one buys into such a belief), neglecting that it is our lived way and choices now that determine our future.
        All keeping the love we are capable of living today ever-outside of ourselves, and the life we lead now to never, ever be ‘enough’. Perhaps we’d prefer to live in such day-dreams, than take true responsibility?

  41. I could not get my head around the idea that I could not love anyone else more than I loved myself. It seemed selfish and wrong, yet that is exactly what I discovered the more I took time to experiment with being kinder to myself. I found that I was kinder to others – I found I couldn’t not offer another what I had discovered to feel so good for myself! If I didn’t know this – what more don’t I know?!

  42. There is no doubt whatsoever that as I make the changes within myself it is having an impact on everyone around me and what I am realising is, it really doesn’t matter the way in which they respond so long as I am being true to me.

  43. A relationship is a great mirror to look into and discover all the things that we think we do not like in another are the very things we need to work on ourselves. If we can approach our relationships like this we learn and grow rather blame and manipulate another.

  44. Thank you for so honestly sharing your story and the responsibility you stepped into. It is not easy to come to a place where you realize you are looking out and blaming others to avoid addressing what you haven’t dealt with within yourself. Although turbulent, how gorgeous that you have come to see the importance of building a relationship with yourself and healing your hurts and are now reaping the rewards of such a loving choice.

  45. Amina the honesty and open sharing of this blog is a joy to read, thankyou for sharing yourself so fully. It felt like a truly beautiful gift to yourself to have time without a relationship, because this gives you space to get to know yourself and develop that relationship with the most important person in your life – you. A joy to read.

  46. This is lovely Amina in its humility and honesty. As I have learned to be responsible for myself my relationships with other have all changed completely. I no longer look at the other person as someone who is supposed to meet my needs – that’s my job – and in this, I can allow them to be who they are. It is so very simple but supports such deep transformation in how we relate to each other – and I am certain I am so much easier to be around as a result. There is no more important relationship than the one we have with ourselves. Of this I am certain.

  47. Stop the search people – we have the answer…’my own relationship with me is what ‘THE ONE’ in fact is’.
    I agree Amina – the one thing we are all searching for is actually within us and has been all along. I’ve been searching outside of myself for what I thought love was and now that my direction has changed I am starting to feel the warmth and beauty of meeting myself and allowing what it already within to come out and be lived.

  48. I am endlessly amazed at how much times so many of us, me definitely included, have spent (wasted) looking for “the one”. It took a while, and the insights offered by the shared wisdom of Serge Benhayon, but I finally came to the understanding that “the one” I was always looking for to complete my life was actually me, no wonder relationships didn’t work and that I was always exhausted; trying to find the final piece that I thought was missing from my ‘puzzle’ outside of me, was hard and futile work, whereas turning inward to meet me is so very simple

  49. I just loved your blog Amina and the honesty with which you expressed, it reminded me of how I had always attracted a certain type of man in my life, the dependent type so I could loose my self in the looking after them. After two marriage breakdowns and In my sixties I realised that I needed to change if I wanted a different life and a different relationship, taking responsibility for my choices, has changed my life.

  50. It’s so easy to focus on everyone else’s imperfections as a distraction from taking responsibility for our own lives and feeling what is being reflected to us for us to feel and process.

  51. I feel like ‘Noddy’ as I continuously nod in agreement with almost everything you have shared about your relationship being based on your ideals and beliefs that he would have to be ‘THE ONE’. The crazy thing is that it never occurred to me that all the while I already was ‘THE ONE’

  52. Wow, thank you Amina, I love your honest account of your relationships and how you take full responsibility that you are the one to start with instead of blaming another. So you did find ‘the one’.

  53. Relationships with self 101 Amina! Imagine if we knew that the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves before we even consider looking for a partner. I could so relate to finding fault and focusing on all the things my partner is not doing before looking at myself… I’ve also done this with my children, all to not deepen my relationship with myself. We bring so much more to our relationships when our relationship with ourselves is constantly evolving.

  54. It takes two to tango and more often then not we tend to blame our partner for the misery we are in. The biggest lessons that relationships can offer us no matter how close we live with another ultimately the way we are is completely determined by ourselves.

  55. Hi Amina, This is such an honest account of relationship. It is one many people could really relate to and learn from. It is so important to build a loving relationship with ourselves either during or before we enter into relationship with another if we truly want to evolve and not be in constant reaction to another. Dealing with our own hurt is loving our self.

  56. This is gorgeous Amina. You have me pondering how often I have looked to others to ‘fill me up’ and make me feel better about myself. This can happen with friends, family and even strangers. What you share here reminds me that it is very imposing to look outside of myself for love.

  57. Thank you Amina for this very honest blog. What you’ve share is very relatable, finding ‘THE ONE’ and exposing that it does not exist is a huge one. It seems that we create this ideal picture in our head of how things should be and get cranky because things don’t live up to our expectations. This is all a setup we create ourselves to distract us from taking responsibility for our choices, for life and to living with truth. I say this because I have lived this way in the past, I created issues when there wasn’t any so I didn’t have to feel what I was feeling inside. Once I started taking responsibility for my life, choose self-care and self-love, exhaustion fell away and I had the clarity and awareness to see how I had created everything to simply avoid being who I am. Letting go of expectations and images of how things needs to be is deeply empowering because it allow ourselves and others to simply be who we truly are. Expectations crush, puts limitations and conditions that separates us from living in harmony.

  58. Relationships are the Pandora’s box of humanity… So much “ stuff” comes with them as soon as you open the box… Until… We understand that the first and foundational relationship we must have is with ourselves.

  59. Amina, Thank you. Having recently left a long term relationship for the same reasons that you have talked of here, it is truly beautiful to feel the truth in this choice and to surrender even deeper in to the full acceptance of why our relationship ended and that now is time for me to get to know myself and to live my life how I want to live it. There has been a lot of joy, fun and at times tears along this part of my journey. Like you say the hardest time of my life, but also a very beautiful time in my life.

    1. Amazing Leigh. I can feel that you have built an amazing foundation in the relationship with yourself that has supported you to bring more love to every other relationship, including your relationship with your former partner. It makes absolute sense that this would be both challenging and beautiful.

  60. Thank you Amina for sharing so honestly, it is amazing the changes that can happen to our lives when we take responsibility for our choices and stop our blaming, it is not always easy to see the part we have played in the relationship, but when we do true healing can occur.

    1. It is that simple, the foundation to self love is the key. Work on that as the first foundation, which will support the connecting with others as we deepen the foundation.

      1. Yes it’s interesting isn’t it… We talk about foundations all the time and yet what truly is a foundation? A foundation is something upon which everything else is built… It’s simple really isn’t it.

  61. Yes I too got caught up on finding ‘The One,’ but now see that after all of these years of searching I find ‘The One,’ and it was me. Allowing ourselves the space to know who we are is great and uncovers a lot. All relationships we make from there are gold as we know who we are and can begin relationships knowing that nothing needs to be filled as we are enough already.

  62. We certainly learn a lot about ourselves when we are in a relationship with a partner. By being honest and willing to recognise the expectations, conditions we often place on each other and gives us the opportunity to choose to correct them or stay in the same momentum of behaviour.

    1. We learn a lot in relationships through reflection, we have the opportunity to make changes and make different choices. If we recognise the learning with love, we deepen our relationships.

  63. Wow Amina, thank you for sharing in such detail what it has been like for you to be in a relationship that was not so loving and to now developing a loving relationship with yourself. It is so true that if we are not in love with ourselves how are we able to than be in love with someone else? It makes so much sense to develop this first from within and then allow our love to naturally and effortless emanate out.

  64. “After I met Serge Benhayon and listened to what he had to say about relationships, I realised that what I was looking for I would never find, as the ‘THE ONE’ did not actually exist; but that working on me (my own stuff) and my own relationship with me is what ‘THE ONE’ in fact is, not someone or something outside of me.” I too had been looking for ‘the one’ outside of me – and as that didn’t exist, no wonder my relationships never worked out! Now I know I am the one – as we all are – I am getting to know and love myself ever more deeply. No more need to find someone ‘out there’ to complete me. And I am loving being me and also loving living alone, being with me – something I hadn’t done for a long time until I came to Universal Medicine.

  65. Very inspiring Amina. A lot of what you wrote here reminds me on my own past relationship with women. Either I was searching for love that i didn’t give to me or I took responsibility for my partner to make her feel better. In both I gave my power away. Although I wanted an ideal Partner and started to look Outside, asking very hopefully : “Where is she?”. By that way i was judging life to not allow me what i thought I deserved.

    Now I know: the more playful I am with me, and the more I respect and appreciate myself, the more love will come back to me. May it be with a new Partner or in every Single Meeting with others…

    So Thanks a lot for your offered intimicy on this Blog.

  66. Amina, it is very courageous to do what you have done. With all the pressures on us to find someone and to be a couple and to succeed at it, means there is full recognition for when we fail at this, and a lot of sympathy is there to smother us with when we are unsuccessful. There is that pressure because we seem to be complete with a partner and sad without one. This has to change. We need to really focus on that great relationship with ourselves rather than the false hope that we are complete with a partner. Having someone complete us puts a lot of pressure on us to control them because they are seemingly representing us. That is asking someone to mould themselves to something they are not which is way less than loving.

  67. I am reacquainting with myself too. At times it can be fun, frustrating, curious, very sad. Learning to feel in every aspect of my life and questioning my previously held opinions on various things is very revealing. It shows me how much I took for granted without questioning simply because this is what everyone does. For example by simply taking greater care of myself within the household others are stepping up and taking more responsibility for themselves.

  68. The quality of any relationship we’re in – friends, family, life partner – can only ever be a reflection of the true quality of the relationship we have with ourselves. The first place to look whenever there is any relationship issue is within, at ourselves, our own hurts, ideals and beliefs. Unpick all that and you’re in good shape for sharing life with another.

  69. Amina your blog deeply resonates, and your honesty is refreshing. Staying in a relationship for fear of being alone is something I did; not because their was no love, far from it, but because I believed we should be together forever, no matter what, once the commitment had been made. It was many years after this painful break-up that I cam upon Universal Medicine, and that is when I began to see my part in the unhealthy dynamic in that relationship. I am now breaking out of my fear of relationships.

  70. Hi Amina, great blog. How evil is that notion of there is one right person for you and that relationship will mean everything falls into place and is easy? – So if we have difficulties, it can’t be the right person for us? How very destructive is this ideal and belief – setting us up for failure and ultimately, that we are not good enough to find the one true love? Ever seeking outside ourselves and not looking within – It brings to focus the wisdom of Serge Benhayon, who has presented that there is a law of attraction -based on ideals and beliefs we hold, which attract like circumstances and relationships in our lives (including I am flawed, so obviously attracting the same in life). And there is a law of magnetism where we connect to our innermost, and are drawn and draw others to us that are likewise choosing to live the love and truth that they are. This means imperfections and flaws are understood to be old choices and not the person. From this wisdom, it is clear we are all ‘the one’ as we all come from the same energy of love.

  71. Amina, I enjoyed reading your sharing and particularly these words “unless I started to change then nothing else around me would change”. This is so true and what all relationships depend on and that is honesty and Love.

    1. “unless I started to change then nothing else around me would change” It is us who has to take that step, only then things will change around us. We cannot expect others to change. It is our openess, honesty and love that supports and builds true relationships.

  72. ‘I am open to a relationship, but not because I need one to make me feel like a woman, or out of fear of being alone and not having someone to love me, but because I feel it would be amazing to have someone to complement me, and I them, in a way that feels simple and playful.’ I love this closing line Amina. What a strong message for everyone out there, that to find true love, we have to first accept it for ourselves, and then anything else is a bonus. The pressure we’re faced from society really is quite enormous, and most of the time we barely notice it for how imbedded the false beliefs are in our psyche.

  73. Amina thank you for this honest sharing. I resonate with your words ‘As I was not in-love with me, how could I be in-love with him?’ How I feel about others is a reflection of how I feel in myself, and I realise looking back I was not a loving partner, despite what I thought at the time, because I loathed myself. Taking responsibility for my own well being and needs has been the key to building better relationships with people.

  74. Getting to know ‘The One’ – yourself, is a journey. For me at the beginning it was all about wading through all the emotional baggage I was carrying. Being honest and responsible about how I was living my life was tough at the beginning, but slowly I got to know the real me and I could see the improvements in my life. I’m a little further down the track now and there is less emotional baggage and more acceptance and trust within myself and others. Instead of looking for a gorgeous guy that is easy to get along with and likes to have fun, I am finding within me a gorgeous woman who is fun loving and easy to get along with.

  75. It is beautiful to read about your blossoming into the woman you are meant to be Tamina. My relationships with people have improved since I started studying myself. Rather than automatically blaming them for a break in communication I reflect on what I brought to the party, how I felt and reacted. This has allowed me to bring more truth and authenticity in my life which in turn brings more love and more trust and so it goes on expanding.

  76. Your honesty has brought through so much truth in this blog Amina- thank you. There is so much pain caused by ‘the One’ ideal and so much freedom on offer when we are able to feel we are the One for ourselves. Thanks for also writing about how we can put pressure on others to deliver us the feeling of being ‘the One’ for another and blame then when they don’t deliver – whatever the relationship, be it lovers or between parent and child. Like you went back to heal hurts Amina that you were holding around your parents I too am coming round to letting go of childhood hurts, in particular expecting to be loved how I wanted to be loved as a way to reject the love that is and was there all along.

  77. Thank you for sharing Amina, the one is indeed a false concept that is static and has no respect for where you are now, or your future growth and development. For to have the loving relationship we all want you have to build it, and grow it. And of course the big lesson here is that you have to build the love for yourself first. What you have shared here is in some part applicable to all relationships all over the world, and not just partner relationships, but with family, friends, and work contacts.

    1. Very well said Bernard. Absolutely spot on, we first have to build a loving relationship with ourselves and then our relationships with others in our everyday life becomes richer, deeper and more expansive.

      1. Yes I completely agree, I have been working on deepening my relationship with self and it has changed my life so much, it is fuller, richer and very much expansive now. I love my life.

  78. A beautiful sharing with a lot in this- thank you. It is amazing to choose to get to know and love ourselves and stop placing pressure on others to ‘complete’ us or give us what we need. Being surrounded by very dear and loving friends is a great way to learn how to be this for ourselves.

  79. It takes great strength to begin to strip away the layers of comfort in a relationship, even the disharmony, when it has been established for some time. It is heartening to read someone’s account of this and how in taking responsibility for your own issues, you get to see what is truly going on and whether both people are prepared to change or not.

  80. I suspect that unfortunately many relationships are based on the old patterns you are describing Amina – but rarely are people supported to understand that healing problems in relationships starts with working on learning to care for and love themselves. It would revolutionise relationship counselling if relationships were universally understood from this perspective first and foremost.

  81. It does seem so obvious, but developing a relationship with ourselves first, starting to heal the old hurts and perceptions means that we can bring ourselves to connect with others from a new foundation of love.

  82. The relationship with ourselves is fundamental for any other relationship we have and the effect of us taking responsibility for our choices is humangus. Letting go of our hurts and thus of the ideals and expectations we have is crucial. And for me trust is a work in progress topic. Trusting myself and another and surrendering is the way to go.

    1. Beautifully said Monika for to know that we are all work in progress allows us to be far more honest in uncovering and healing our imperfections amongst the intense and often overwhelming world we live in.

  83. It is so easy to blame others because of the love we do not feel for ourselves and for so many years this has been the way many relationships have been. I have noticed huge difference in my own relationship because my connection to me is so much stronger. I am no longer expecting my partner to be someone I want him to be -when I feel myself doing this now I know to look inside me for the answers.

    1. Anne it is often the way when we are in a relationship that we want our partner to be a certain way and we try to change them. Is it possible we need them to be a certain way to fill our emptiness, instead of just allowing them to be and expose our emptiness for what it is. Both parties would benefit from this.

    2. You’re absolutely right Anne. As much as it is hard to admit, I blamed my ex partner for so much more than I was willing to admit at the time. I placed enormous expectations on him and also on myself, and the need to be a perfect couple was stifling. I’ve learnt so much since not being in the relationship and accepting much more self responsibility, as now I realise how abusive the relationship was and I never want to impose such delusional expectations on any potential relationship in the future.

    3. Anne I can relate to that too i know longer expect my partner to be someone I want him to be. I am much more connected to myself and allow my partner to be who he wants to be. This has really supported our relationship. There is no longer blaming each other but a lot more respect for each other.

  84. This is such a beautiful sharing Amina, not holding to be with someone higher than the relationship with yourself. I had a similar experience and I decided to separate from my partner I loved very dearly when I felt that he did not want to go deeper with the relationship. I respected his decision and we separated very lovingly and have a deep connection still today. I can say I truly love him and it was not the lack of love and care that separated us, but the different choices we made. Love is always there it’s the choices that make us go in different directions.

  85. I am ‘The One’. This is true revelation and I picture this being told to our kids before they enter puberty and the common merry go round to look for ‘The One’ on the dance-floors…

  86. “I am open to a relationship, but not because I need one to make me feel like a woman, or out of fear of being alone and not having someone to love me, but because I feel it would be amazing to have someone to complement me, and I them, in a way that feels simple and playful.” Basing our relationships on need is like being constantly parched, holding out a bottomless cup expecting it to be forever filled. Being in a deeply loving relationship with ourselves first, taking the responsibility to meet our own needs making truth and respect a priority, our cup runs over and, no one goes thirsty.

  87. As I was reading your blog Amina, I was reflecting on how often in the past I had gotten irritated and blamed my partner when he hadn’t acted the way I wanted or shared my views on something etc. It has been very revealing over the past few years to make the choice to take the ‘heat’ off him and to focus instead on what is really going on for me in those moments. While I still get caught up in the old games at times, I have found that taking responsibility for my own issues has really cut down on the frequency of getting caught up in this exhausting emotional trap.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s