by Janina Koch, Cologne, Germany
I have felt to share my experience with relationships (partners). I was very touched and inspired in Amina´s recent published article (Pressure to be in a Relationship with ‘The One’), by her openness and honesty. I feel it is important to share with another what is actually going on in relationships, as from the outside a lot of relationships or marriages seem great.
I started quite late with having long-term relationships, around age 21: before then, I had crushes on a lot of boys. I normally chose those who would not be interested in me, as I didn’t really trust men. And after having one short relationship with a guy who wasn’t really interested in me (nor I in him; we came together at a party with a lot of alcohol), I felt that I had had enough of men… my level of hate and frustration was quite strong.
Then I started dating women. I had two relationships with two beautiful women, which together lasted 10 years.
But really, as I didn’t love myself, I was not able to share my love with another person. I always knew that the key to life was that I needed to love myself – but I had such a self-destructive picture of myself that I couldn’t.
One of my ways in a relationship was to get moody, criticising the other; wanting things to be different and blaming the other person. Also, I often wasn’t really in contact with my partner and, even when we lived together, just existed without any true contact or loving interaction.
Then I met a man who I felt I could trust. So I began to open myself to men again… which took quite some years, and is still continuing.
I received a beautiful Esoteric Connective Tissue Therapy session from a male practitioner the other day. As this technique goes very deep, I could feel that I am still only going so far and am still holding back a part to let go of – and that it is time now to trust men again and to let them truly in, which I chose to do in the session. I could also get to feel the deep, hidden sadness I had of not being love, and how I have never been able to share this love on a deeper level with a partner.
Instead, I saw I was often reacting, for whatever reason; and often with anger and frustration towards my partners – including the beautiful partner with whom I live today. As I have been keeping myself in this state of emotion, I have not been able to see how he is absolutely gorgeous and pure love, and choose instead to keep him away from me.
When I realised how unloving my behaviour really was, I felt guilty and bad, which didn’t help much, either. And I wondered why he had stayed with me, for five years now.
Until I could see the other, ‘true me’ side – that I had developed during the last years – and the beauty and healing I’ve also brought to him (also through my singing and giving him healing sessions). I paved the Esoteric way for us both to walk on, as I had kept in contact with Universal Medicine the whole time.
So what are we waiting for? Are we ready to claim our love back and to make it a daily living experience whatever we are and do, no matter if we are with our partner… or at work or college?
I can feel that part of my sadness is at having lost loved ones in the past, which was so very painful, and that I would choose anything rather than go through that pain again. But this was also a total giving up of everything worth living for. That’s how my life felt – like a giving up. I used my past hurts as an excuse not to move on. And now it is about claiming me back, and knowing that I am love, and being love with others.
What I learnt again in this life is that within me, I am love – so I can’t lose it unless I choose to. My love is not dependent on another; I don’t need anybody to bring that love to me. But it’s a blessing to share and to express it.
So thank you to all of you already living it! Thank you especially to the couples I could observe and begin trusting that there is a loving, beautiful way to be with another… we have a couple of them here in Germany!!
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
“Are we ready to claim our love back and to make it a daily living experience whatever we are and do, no matter if we are with our partner… or at work or college?“ This is great Janina, I hadn’t quite looked at it this way that we can “claim our love back” – makes sense! When I give my power away to receiving love from outside myself, that’s the perfect opportunity to claim my love back.
“What I learnt again in this life is that within me, I am love – so I can’t lose it unless I choose to” If there is one thing we should get taught at school and drummed into again and again it should be the above.
“What I learnt again in this life is that within me, I am love – so I can’t lose it unless I choose to. My love is not dependent on another; I don’t need anybody to bring that love to me. But it’s a blessing to share and to express it.” Very powerful words to live by, I’m not quite there yet as I’m still breaking down the false consciousness around love, but what a joy to be returning to being love, instead of believing I am at the mercy of whether others love me or not – when they can only truly be the love they are or not as well.
Beautiful to read how you have claimed you back, ‘it is about claiming me back, and knowing that I am love, and being love with others.’
What I learnt again in this life is that within me, I am love – so I can’t lose it unless I choose to. My love is not dependent on another; I don’t need anybody to bring that love to me. But it’s a blessing to share and to express it. Janina this is pure poetry.
Wow I can relate to this, thank you for being so open and honest about this; ”As I have been keeping myself in this state of emotion, I have not been able to see how he is absolutely gorgeous and pure love, and choose instead to keep him away from me.’
Janina this is beautiful and testament the fact we can never ever truly love another if we are not first love ourselves.
I am love so I cannot lose it, but I can develop it, nurture it and connect to it more in me… and that is the first step to having more of it in my life (or in anyone’s life). Its a simple equation.
Deeply honest and beautiful sharing, Janina. “My love is not dependent on another; I don’t need anybody to bring that love to me. But it’s a blessing to share and to express it” – this changes everything about why we would choose to be in a relationship. And just like you felt inspired by those who were already living it, there is a purpose for all that we live – to model and reflect a way of being. Life is never about our own selves.
Reading your blog Janina I came to this part
“I can feel that part of my sadness is at having lost loved ones in the past, which was so very painful, and that I would choose anything rather than go through that pain again. But this was also a total giving up of everything worth living for.”
I started to cry because I could feel that part of my sadness is having lost loved ones in past lives through nothing more than they lived a life that was considered unacceptable at the time. And I do wonder if we have moved on from those times when it was considered punishable by death to live the truth and love of God. We may live in so called ‘modern times’ but there are still those people who cannot and will not accept that we are not on this earth to exist but to evolve back to our origins and so try to stop such a movement back to where we belong.
What else do we need to see and be inspired by! How gorgeous, thank you !
Thank you Janina, reading your blog I felt the appreciation is have for everyone who writes and shares their experiences as we all can learn so much. I also appreciated your realness about the pain of losing people, that we can close down our love because loving can mean pain in loss, I’m sure many people can relate to this, I know I can. And very inspiring truth here: “What I learnt again in this life is that within me, I am love – so I can’t lose it unless I choose to. My love is not dependent on another; I don’t need anybody to bring that love to me. But it’s a blessing to share and to express it.” I’m working towards that consistency of living my love without the ups and downs or disconnections to the love within that can so often happen.
It does not matter how physically close we are to another or how a relationship looks close to others who are not in it, even being physically close we can still shut the other person out if we choose to, so it make look the ‘picture’ but in truth is not. As you have shared the key here is first the relationship with ourselves.
“Even when we lived together, just existed without any true contact or loving interaction”. I get the feeling this is not unusual. As you say many relationships look good on the outside but when we hold onto not wanting to be hurt, we cant actually love or be loved. Lovely to read about the changes you have experienced.
We think we are holding another at arm’s length but really we are holding ourselves away. The love we are never leaves, we just gradually withdraw away from it if we do not deal with our hurts.
Love starts at home or within as we are so lost from feeling, which is the feeling that comes when we are re-connected to our essences that it takes time to get ourselves back in bed with the innate love that we all are. So as you have shared Janina; “ My love is not dependent on another”!
I always appreciate your writing Janina, it’s very honest, real, relatable, and is beautifully expressed. I can relate to this line “I used my past hurts as an excuse not to move on. And now it is about claiming me back, and knowing that I am love, and being love with others.” It can be quite a process letting go of the hurts and understanding how they came about in the first place and our responsibility in their formation, and more importantly the power of love within us that remains untouched despite our experiences – a love we can reconnect to and live from again.
It is not until we are faced with someone who lives another way that we know there is another way, and by another way, I mean a way that is not our normal. If our normal is shouting then we cannot imagine discussing things with another without ending up shouting. There is nothing great about shouting at each other, it is actually quite traumatic, so to have someone come into our lives that reflects a different way is a blessing not something to push back on.
You write in relation to choosing men to be with: “I normally chose those who would not be interested in me, as I didn’t really trust men.” – that is a very strange sentence and one that I am sure many men and women share. If you don’t trust men and then you choose untrustworthy men you will constantly confirm yourself in not trusting men and the same for men who do that with women or women with women and so on so forth. But really we have to question why we do play this game in the first place. You have given some insights into how it was for you and it may be a little different for each of us, but certainly something we need to explore.
Ultimately it is about loving, trusting and connecting to ourselves and from there everything else comes as our relationships with others are a reflection of our relationship with ourselves and truth.
Nicola this in part may come from the commonly held belief that we get love from others, not that we are love in our essence, and can share that love within every relationship, as well as also offering others the space to come back to their love in their own time.
I agree – we all want love and don’t realise that we already are all that we seek. We have a huge misconception about the truth of love. Unimedpedia Love: http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia/word-index/unimedpedia-love.html provides some great quotes and audio about what love truly is.
How lost are we that we have come to the belief that love is something we can only get from another and not the truth in that it is innately within us all. It is like being a huge lake but feeling we have no water so searching for a tap!
Being open and transparent in our build a relationship brings a deep-humble-appreciative-ness of the love we all are and thus provides the space for others to also “trust” because they can feel no “games” are being played.
Love is the maker of all. Anything less is harm if it’s intentions are less than love.
Not every movement allows you to truly move (forward). Only some of them do. Many other ones help you to move around where you are stuck.