by Alison Moir, UK
I have been active all my life, and when I say active I mean doing… I was always doing something. Looking back it was the only way I could be seen, be recognised. Doing for me meant physical.
At the age of 9 or 10, I was out all day working at a stable in the possibility that I might get to ride a pony back to the field. I now see it was because I wasn’t happy at home, so to get away, doing became my way to escape, to not feel what was really going on. There was an underlying blueprint in my life that to get on in life, to succeed, you had to ‘do’.
I wasn’t encouraged to have dolls, to wear pink, to be a girl – as long I was doing then I was seen to be ok. I was left alone. If I saw girls being ‘girlie’, I saw it as being weak – as silly and a waste of time. So from the very beginning of my childhood I was encouraged to do… not play, not have fun.
This I took into my adult life, being busy, working hard. The trouble with this is that you forget about yourself, everything becomes being what someone else wants you to be. I learnt to be a chameleon – I changed myself to fit in with everyone, to accommodate everyone so that I would not make waves, so that I did not upset people. All the time I was doing, I was losing the real me. Somewhere deep inside I knew something was not right, but the whole world was busy… so where do you look to find something different?
Life became a chore, a way of getting by.
By the time I got to 30, my life was already mapped out, and I went along with it. 40’s… and I knew something wasn’t right. I would make changes, but they changed nothing, so I would fall back into my old pattern, ‘the doing’, so that I didn’t have to question how my life really was.
My wake up call came when my husband was diagnosed with cancer, and after 3 years of trying to fight it, in the year 2000 he died. I began to question so many things – why did my husband get cancer? Why was life such a struggle? Why is there this empty feeling inside of me, that won’t go away? Now I wanted answers to my question that I had been asking throughout my life: Is this all there is to life? There has to be more.
By now my health was not great: I wasn’t sick but neither was I well. After several years of trying alternative medicine and modalities nothing felt right – it didn’t change what I was feeling inside. All the time there was this underlying giving-up, a sense that nothing really worked, so I began to make my life as comfortable as possible. Working for myself was a great comfort as I could do as much or as little as I liked, avoiding situations that I didn’t want to deal with and in doing so, slowly opt out of life. I was no longer accountable to anyone.
Learning to be me again
I am now nearly 57 and for the first time in my life I am enjoying it: why? Because I have re-claimed me. It has taken nearly 10 years to find me in the malaise of what I had allowed in my life to take me away from me.
I now work in a busy supermarket where I am accountable to everyone. It exposes all the little things in me that I kept hidden from the world. This is not all bad because it is also bringing out the real me again – not the one that wants to please and be liked for what I am doing, but the loving woman who does care about humanity.
To peel back all the layers of me not being me has been very exposing: to unravel what has been imposed on me through life, all my ideals and beliefs I have carried with me. To accept responsibility for my choices and my actions has at times been painful to reveal, but I knew there was nowhere else to hide and I knew that I could not turn back from something I knew to be true. My questions were being answered and that is what kept me going through the not so easy times.
I could not have done it without the inspiration of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine and all the amazing practitioners. Why? There was very little in life that was reflecting back to me that how I was living my life was not true. Everywhere I looked people were living a similar life. No one seemed to be asking the question, let alone having the answer.
Thank you Serge and Universal Medicine for standing by me, showing me it is possible to know me again… and in finding me I have found the answer to my question.