I have just read a fantastic piece by Kyla Plummer about love making versus sex on another blog (Women In Livingness) – titled Sex, Drugs… and Making Love. It took real courage and self-love for Kyla to speak up about her past relationships, sex life and the recklessness and abuse in such detail.
After reading the article I felt the deep sadness, shame or guilt that I had about my past sex life and relationships as a young woman. There was a part of me that blamed myself for the terrible empty relationships and experiences that I had, but from Kyla’s post I felt how I too don’t need to be ashamed or self-beating about the past. Yes, I chose this and I need to take responsibility for my choices and look at why I made these, but also need to consider that at the time there was no other way shown to me.
Reckless, irresponsible and empty sex and relationships were what my friends, older girls at school, older women and mothers around me were doing, and what the movies and magazines showed me. It was all about the urgency, performing, pleasing and positions, or the romance with candlelight, music and an open fireplace. But all of this left an empty or dissatisfied feeling, in turn leading to the need for either more sex, exciting scenes or locations or a ‘better’ partner.
In my early 20’s I did find a man who was very caring, considerate, open and at times gentle with me, but I could also feel there was still something missing. We had a level of honesty, openness, responsibility, love and care in our relationship, and had created a successful life in terms of our careers, finances, material possessions and social lives, but it still felt like something was missing and I questioned if it was really love that I was feeling. I left this 5-year relationship when I was 24.
I then experienced one more round of trying to find ‘it’… this time with an older man. I recognised I wasn’t trying to find perfect sex or the perfect relationship or the successful finances and belongings, but instead find ‘it’ – that thing that I felt was missing. No luck here either, and I ended up back in old patterns of fun and very happy times, and even passionate, hot and what I felt was caring sex, but still nights of laying awake next to my snoring partner, feeling deeply sad, lost, and unsure why.
Then I came across a group of people who talked about sex versus lovemaking, and that there was a great difference between the two: this group of people was Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon. Serge never once said to not have sex, or that sex was bad. He just presented another option – lovemaking. Nothing was spoken about the physical actions and how this should be, but more about how we were with each other during the day – to build a truly loving interaction with each other before we were even in the bedroom. I began to understand that lovemaking needed to start with not only how I am with my partner throughout the day, but also how I am with myself.
The more I began to feel and connect to what this truly meant and how to live it, the more I felt deeply empowered. I realised that it was about having a tender, loving and honouring relationship and that it was nothing at all to do with finding the perfect man (i.e. how the man was). It was all to do with how I was with myself first, then with others.
I am slowly discovering how to be more caring, gentle, honouring and special with myself: in my thoughts, the way I move, speak and the words that I use. In turn, people naturally begin to be this way with me also. It’s not perfect, and for various reasons I often revert back to old, rushed, hard or self abusive ways with myself and in turn, others – but now I know there is another way, and I have since met a man who is willing to be this way to the best of his ability with himself, and therefore naturally with me.
Together my husband and I are developing a more delicate, special and loving way to be with each other and with everyone that we meet – in every interaction, the way we speak, cook together, ask something from the other, and move about the house in a more gentle and caring way… sometimes with a playful smile or silly comment. Naturally the way we are with each other in the bedroom is a follow-on from how we are with each other in the house. The bedroom cannot be the only place where love is switched on, and off. So if I want to touch my husband in a deeply tender, delicate and precious way, I need to be passing him the pepper or a cup of tea in the same way. Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.
It’s like a chain, in that if the first link is broken there’s no way the other two can follow (i.e. if I’m not tender and loving with myself and my thoughts or the way I speak to myself, then there’s no way possible that I can firstly speak and be tender or loving with my partner, let alone touch and hold him preciously and adoringly in the way that he deserves). The lovely feeling behind all of this is that the way that we touch and hold each other carries no need whatsoever: no need to get anything from the other, and no need to give anything to them because ‘it’ is already all there before we begin. We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other.
As I previously said, this is not perfect, and sometimes it is very challenging. However, when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.
By Danielle, 31, Goonellabah, NSW
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
Danielle, it was refreshing to read how love making is different to wham bang sex, which is short lived and often based on heightened emotions. Once upon a time I wouldn’t have put the flow of our day together as part of love making. I observe the importance of this in our lives and partnership.
And I agree with you that if we are off, then that connection is temporarily lost. It requires us to be loving towards ourselves first before we can be loving to others.
Thanks Danielle, it’s a great topic to explore. So much of sex is about function and performance, and our appearance, it’s all about the physicality and not the deeper and true part of ourselves being shared with our partners, and not just in the bedroom but as a loving way of life that making love is part of but not exclusive to.
I agree Melinda, sex has been made to be about function and performance just as much as physical appearance where as in reality to connect to another and deeply express your love for them has nothing to do with these factors whatsoever.
There’s so much for us to learn about sex being just a functionality. Our education systems just does not prepare us for what true love making is. It’s a talk on functionality. Theres no presentation on respecting one another, let alone each others bodies.
Our perspective on sex and making love needs to change. It isn’t what it all seems. If love making was the lead in any relationship, I ponder whether arguments domestic violence, divorces etc occur.
Love and tenderness comes from me with me first then with another. If not, it’s not their ‘fault’ nor mine but it is my responsibility to bring it to myself firstly.
I had realised that it is not just about the bedroom, but how you are with another person through the day. But it hadn’t occurred to me that before you consider how you are with another person, you ought to focus on how you are with yourself! But it’s true, the moment you pull back and are hard on yourself – there’s no way that you will be deeply loving with another.
No-one else can fill the emptiness we feel inside and as much as we may try, in the quiet moments, it is just us and therefore deepening the relationship with ourselves is the first place to start.
Gorgeous words Lucy – the place to start is indeed with ourselves first and foremost. And any emptiness we feel can be the inspiring point to start to fill it up with the love that is within – and in so doing it is not about relying on another to do it for us, but to claim this ourselves and then know that we bring a fullness to another rather than an emptiness and a neediness and hence an imposition to another.
‘It was all to do with how I was with myself first, then with others.’ This message is so, so simple yet profound. The more we practice and engage with a tenderness towards self, the more we can connect with, acknowledge and deepen in that gorgeous delicacy that resides inside, the more we can be that tender with others.
I love what you share about your deepening relationship with yourself, ‘I am slowly discovering how to be more caring, gentle, honouring and special with myself: in my thoughts, the way I move, speak and the words that I use. In turn, people naturally begin to be this way with me also.’
The relationship we have with ourselves is key, and forms a foundation for other relationships, ‘ I realised that it was about having a tender, loving and honouring relationship and that it was nothing at all to do with finding the perfect man (i.e. how the man was). It was all to do with how I was with myself first, then with others.’
It’s such common sense, yet it is not common at all. I am still in disbelief that we haven’t considered this before on a wider scale. Of course (i wish I could put this in bold), the way we interact in our day is going to translate in the bedroom! How can it be any different?
‘if I’m not tender and loving with myself and my thoughts or the way I speak to myself, then there’s no way possible that I can firstly speak and be tender or loving with my partner…’
All my life I haven’t appreciated myself so I looked for love in intimate relationships – my most exciting ones being those where there was the possibility of love- actually approval- that I could chase. I’m currently not in a relationship and the beauty is starting a relationship with myself that maybe I’ll one day share with another or not.
The beauty is that when we are full with a beautiful relationship with ourselves there is no longer a need for another to fill that hole and therefore little to no investment of finding a partner. If it happens that just becomes a bonus but one we need to be ready for. Whilst they can be very confirming and sweet, relationships are always very exposing of our ill patterns and behaviours as they teach us a lot about our ideals, beliefs and pictures too. When we are not in a relationship we can focus on just the positives but important to note the reality of them, getting a little bumpy at times even when we are open to seeing and healing our issues!
Yes I can so see that when you are in a relationship with yourself it is an opportunity to deepen and get to know who you are beyond the doing.
Taking steps to be precious, adoring and tender with ourselves can at first be challenging but oh so worth it for in tenderness we are reminded of the divinity we are all from.
“I am slowly discovering how to be more caring, gentle, honouring and special with myself: in my thoughts, the way I move, speak and the words that I use. In turn, people naturally begin to be this way with me also” – this is a science that is well worth re- learning.
One of the biggest takes-aways from the workshops and presentations by Serge Benhayon is discovering that essentially we are all the same. We have all made some rough choices but we didn’t know any better you could say. The difference is that now if we are willing to be more aware, take self responsibility for the choices we make, our lives can change.
And on a personal note what you and your family have achieved is magic and it is a pleasure to be a part of your life and share in all the Love we can share together as a True family.
I love just bring up this subject, the fact that there is a vast difference between sex and making love…and actually that even when we think it is making love, this activity can not be separated form everyday life, because how we are in everything, has an impact on everything. Hard, mean, forceful, victim hood, holding people to ransom emotionally…and more all play out in the bedroom etc if we do not deal with it outside of the bedroom etc.
Yes, everything matters, every movement, thought, word spoken. There is, if we are honest, a relationship with it all, the point is how willing are we to listen and respond to what the relationship reflects?
“I recognised I wasn’t trying to find perfect sex or the perfect relationship or the successful finances and belongings, but instead find ‘it’ – that thing that I felt was missing”. Especially as women I feel we use relationships to find that missing something that nags away in the background. We are very good at kidding ourselves everything is ok but the deeper side to life which is our nature won’t let us settle until we actually find it in ourselves.
Isn’t it curious how we seem more comfortable to live who-we-are-not in the world rather than the precious and divine being we truly are.
It is way more ‘comfortable’ to not be who we are as this means we don’t have to stand out from the crowd, be attacked for standing out and show up that the reality and compromise we live isn’t it. There is a huge responsibility with that which most of us aren’t comfortable with.
Yes, I have had my own struggle with standing out, and I am breaking the ties that have bound me to play small and hide. It is amazing to learn to stand tall in your glory, just being, with no trying.
So True Liane, but once the sheepishness has been revealed so what lies underneath the veneer that has cloaking us we can live in Love in ever-moment and Love is always able to be expressed as we are making Love in all we do.
Yes, that is an interesting fact, I wonder why that is the case?
Thank you for sharing so openly, Danielle, and there so much ‘gold’ here. As you so correctly share it all starts with oneself and if the relationship is challenging then it is because “I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first”.
The beauty of us living from our essence is that we bring a depth of flavour and style that is in harmony with who we all are and from this place greater conversation and movement exists.
I love the analogy of the chain here and that it all starts with our willingness to be truly tender and loving with ourselves first during our daily life and movements and if this is missing then the tenderness and love will be missing in the bedroom and at best we can have good sex but it will never satisfy that deeper ache that we all have of being truly met, adored, loved, connected to and honoured as the divine beings that we all are.
This is a gorgeous article, thank you so much for writing about your relationship here. I really love how you have explained how love and care for your husband starts with you.
Making love is that deeper connection we have with each other, it is not restricted to a bedroom or sex as that just reduces it to a physical outcome.
Making love starts with making love with ourselves first. As only then this can be shared with others. And this making love is not limited to only the bedroom but instead will be lived in any situation we are in.
When you discover that there is making love versus sex you are well on your way to grow more love into your intimate relationships as this discovery is only the beginning.
When we say yes to empty relations, the body still has to cope with it. Emptiness does not talk to the body. That is why, the body goes into an enormous inner tension from which it needs relief and that is where sex comes handy.
It’s great you claim responsibility for the fact that when your making love life does not go great it can be because you have not been adoring yourself as deeply. This stops the endless spin to seek more out of need then and there offering the opportunity to look deeper as to what might be going on for each of you more deeply in life.
Yes Joshua, it is always a deepening that makes sustainable change. It is never the broadening or outward movement as that only brings the temporarily relief to the discontentment we then live in.
It stops it being about a quick fix or just simply ‘relief’. Learning to not hide from what relationships in life have the potential to offer is part and parcel of the medicine on offer through our daily livingness.
If we understood how much life was all about movements we would see that every moment of everyday is an opportunity to make Love – anything less we get a humdrumness we want to be elevated from.
If we live an un-fulfilling life with ourselves then everything we do from there will be of that same nature. We try stimulation after stimulation with foods, traveling, sports and sex included, to try make us feel like we are living a full life, but it all amounts to the same emptiness that was there before. Nothing beats having a connection with yourself and your own body, as from that place, life is full without any need for stimulation or escape.
“Together my husband and I are developing a more delicate, special and loving way to be with each other and with everyone that we meet – in every interaction, the way we speak, cook together, ask something from the other, and move about the house in a more gentle and caring way…” And when we treat ourselves with similar tenderness and honour our body then it naturally flows that we treat others similarly.
Danielle, such a great topic starting blog which is seldom truly spoken about amongst people and even within relationships. We all deeply crave love and so when we do not get the love we know and deserve as a child we substitute and lessen what we know love to be as so settle for less. This then plays out with having sex we know its no where near the depths of love it could be but we tend to say its the best we are going to get and it will do, instead of going hang on if I am going to be truly intimate with my partner in the physical way then I would rather it be love in the absoluteness of the love I know or I would rather not be intimate at all. At it starts way before the bedroom.
I agree James that “It starts way before the bedroom.” Witnessing how new parents treat their newborns – why do we not continue with that – and treat both ourselves and others with equal care and love?
Indeed Sue and a great question. We have no real reason not to as after all we are love and so anything less feels abusive and alien to our bodies yet because it becomes common and normal we accept it.
“It’s like a chain, in that if the first link is broken there’s no way the other two can follow…”- The visual reminder of a chain is really helpful here Danielle, because it feels like society is always coming up with ways to deal with trying to develop truly intimate and loving relationships by offering quick fixes and solutions without ever really taking responsibility for our own behaviors and quality of movements and expressions first.
Yes good pick up and I hadn’t clocked that part quite that clearly so thank you for repeating it so I can embrace it! We cannot develop intimacy with another if we have not developed the relationship with ourselves.
Our current society portrays empty sex as the final product but in fact we are sold very short of the real deal and what we all are actually capable of expressing, which is making love. Sex is seen as an on and off switch, and as a physical act that gives some form of gratification or relief. Where as lovemaking is about always honouring self and the other, connecting as deep as one can so that it is a baring of who you are that is the celebration, and so the physical act becomes a celebration of this. We often shy away from this as a responsibility as it asks us to be very intimate and expose ourselves not just by being naked physically, but by not hiding anything about how we feel on the inside.
Danielle, thank you for this great way of sharing that making love comes first from within ourselves and that this is the first area for us to explore and build so that what we unfold from here is simply what we then bring to another to celebrate.
Just the two words cary such different feels. Sex is so cold and selfish even, making love has a completely different connotation – something I am yet to one day experience.
Making love is gorgeous and comes so naturally when we simply are ourselves and connect to another from this place. For me the key is remembering it is not just what happens in the bedroom but how we are living 24/7 with ourselves and with the other person. The more we honour ourselves and our partner then we cannot but make love.
What we are fed by movies, magazines, friends, and now more than ever the porn industry is a mine field when it comes to our ideas around what sex and making love should be like. And yes all of it leaves you feeling empty and lost. The physical act of making love should be sacred, not something we use to make-up, hook a partner, or get relief from life’s tensions.
‘Together my husband and I are developing a more delicate, special and loving way to be with each other and with everyone that we meet – in every interaction, the way we speak, cook together, ask something from the other, and move about the house in a more gentle and caring way… sometimes with a playful smile or silly comment.’ This is lovely to read, we can feel the delicacy in your words. We often move thoughtlessly and to make every interaction deliberately tender is a lovely way to be with a partner.
Dwelling on past misdemeanours or reckless acts is a way of putting off simplicity and letting in more Love. Learn, laugh, adapt and change – our ingrained beliefs are all that stands between us and intimacy. Thank you Danielle for this tender sharing.
Love this Danielle especially the part of passing the pepper etc doing these seemingly dull tasks with actual tenderness, quality of gentleness, then those activity comes alive. Awesome.
‘ I began to understand that lovemaking needed to start with not only how I am with my partner throughout the day, but also how I am with myself.’ I am finding this too, that the more I am loving towards myself the more loving I can be with my partner.
It’s a pretty simple equation really! It’s living it that I tend to find easier to say than be, it’s a developing and deepening.
Any emotional reaction regarding a past hurt only helps to keep the grip of the hurt upon us.
Reading this I am reminded to not hold my breath for perfection. As your last paragraph shared it’s not about being perfect but using the mistakes as lessons to learn how to be more loving with myself.
There is such a deep honouring of both ourselves and others when we see everything as equally important and so do not put acts like sex above any other moment. It is exquisite being truly intimate with another just walking past them, and knowing nothing else is needed in that moment.
When we bring our care and attention to the smallest thing knowing it effects everything, this is when we start to know Love. Thank you Danielle for this reminder.
I love that point as well Joseph, how the little tinnest detail matters and builds the love with myself and then with others.
Shame is such an undermining and destructive emotion. As human beings we all make mistakes, that is how we learn, so there is no need for shame in this process of correction and letting go, only honesty, acceptance and humbleness.
This blog reminded me of a time when I a friend refused a hug because he was annoyed with me and instead of feeling rejected in any way I felt just as wonderful as I had before as my body could express love without the hug.
No matter how we try to settle for less, our body and heart has a way of showing up, that all we actually are designed for is Love. So why accept anything else in what you say, do and move? It’s these everyday things that get us in a groove that is true. Thank you Danielle for this love letter to us all.
Beautifully shared Danielle, I totally get making love is about every moment and every interaction throughout the whole of the day.
“It is already there before we begin” what a very empowering understanding and appreciation of how to be in relationship, with ourselves and then others.
It is great to feel the poor choices, disregard etc. of our past intimate relationships. I feel this is part of re-claiming our worth and treasuring ourselves so this will not happen again. Going into feeling ashamed or guilty only holds us there and creates more harm of self-criticism, where there is opportunity for healing.
Absolutely awesome sharing Danielle it makes it all so clear what is needed to bring all relationships into love making – pass the pepper please : ) becomes an extension of how we love ourselves.
The concept of love making is being redefined by what you are offering, and I look forward to my next intimate relationship where I can explore what is offered here.
I keep returning to read this blog Danielle, it feels like it has so much to offer others and me. I used to think if I just made my movements gentle and simple that would be more than enough. Now I am getting the sense Love is so much more than this. It feels like it’s about a constant connection to stillness, warmth and knowing that I am a Son of God. Without this I’m just living in layers of numbness and hardness, no matter how comfortable my life or nice my thoughts.
Thank you for being so generous with what you have shared. It is a subject I wish I knew more about earlier in life. I was unfortunately in the same boat as Kyla and yourself when I was a young woman. My older sister was my biggest role model at the time, that before mentioning the media and other girlfriends. All the information I received from these so called “reputable” sources, lead me to believe that feeling empty and looking for men to fill the void, literally, was normal somehow? However, it is never too late to find love in yourself and then share true love making with your partner. I am blessed with a Husband that respects and loves me, and when we make love there is never an yurky feeling. Unlike in the past how I would feel after sex, sometimes even if I was ‘enjoying’ it at the time, I would just cry, as it made me so sad.
The role models are few and as you mentioned Sarah Karam the search for intimacy is saddened with sex rather than the joy of a union and celebrations between two people that is felt way before.
For so long in our society making love has been shrouded in indecency and taboo. It’s something we generally don’t talk about, or if we do it’s with a focus on stimulation, escape or sexual excitement. This is not true. Making love in its living essence is celebrating and embracing truth each moment we are alive. Moving and choosing grace, stillness and our souls purpose. The way we can bring the power of God to opening the dishwasher or sending an email is something we desperately need to talk about. Because the world is crying out for Love and as you show Danielle it exists in the chain of our choices, not just the sheets of our bed.
Sex sells big time, most of the world are under an big illusion about sex, thinking it is something it is not. We crave sex when we don’t have intimacy in our lives. Sex can never compare to making love.
This is such an open and honest blog – thank you Danielle. It’s not about holding on to the past, to the fact that we might have gone against our innate knowing (as I also had), choosing to have sex instead that would leave us feeling empty and rather yucky… it’s about deepening the love affair with ourselves first, connecting to the essence within us and cherishing, loving ourselves so deeply. From there, it’s natural to extend this quality and way of being with another, and the sexual act is simply a confirmation of that way of living and relating that we have chosen.
‘I began to understand that lovemaking needed to start with not only how I am with my partner throughout the day, but also how I am with myself.’ The more we cherish and nurture ourselves the more we can cherish and nurture our partners. When we are prepared to go deeper in our relationship with ourselves the more that can be expressed and communicated with our partners.
This is so beautiful Danielle. What you share reinforces my experience in developing understanding of the difference between sex and making love. To me sex is an empty act borne of a desire for distraction or relief. Love making has nothing to do with sex and yet we can make love when being physically intimate with another if we have chosen to make love a part of our lives.
Making ‘love a part of our lives’ in everything one does is without a doubt the foundation to making love rather than having empty sex.
We go around constantly seeking the perfect kiss, the greatest hug, and to find ‘true love’. Yet all along, the whole time, we are it. The greatest sensation lives in the way we touch every thing, the most beautiful caress in the way we navigate space, the greatest pleasure in the openness we choose to allow and the grace we feel when we move. Everything in this world adds up. We are the greatest mathematicians you can find, and God the greatest accountant. There is no way to fix the books only great choices to be summed up. They either add up to Love or not. Thank you Danielle for sharing this equation with us all.
We are more than the ideals and beliefs that are constantly feed to us. When we stop to take note that we are it – the need is offered a chance to exit and love is offered in abundance to reignite and stay.
Making love is a beautiful shared experience whereas sex keeps you in separation for self.
Very true Mary, making love leaves you feeling confirmed and complete with each other and is an out of this world experience yet having sex is more about the physical connection and often the relief from the tensions we are feeling than truly and fully connecting with your partner.
It’s our every move done in love with our self and then with another that then gets confirmed when we make love.
So many of us might consider the way we are every day as ‘ok’ or as harmless in the most part, but the fact is, if we don’t live knowing our true divinity then we are abusing our heart. True Love isn’t made per se, we amplify energy every day, and the more we maximise and choose Love the more it is on offer for us to live. Thank you Danielle for this timely reminder that our choices determine so much more than we think.
before I learned about sex my constant activity was love making, and then sex was passed on as something a little bit naughty or wrong – but what was I reacting to? – the fact that the examples of sex I heard about did not equal the true love I already was – so brilliant to read your article Danielle.
Beautiful danielle. That’s just it, we are taught or believe that it is the end result we want – like the hot sex or the exciting moment – but this never fulfills. The joy in lovemaking is in living love throughout the whole day – and whether that is with a partner, with yourself or with family it will never be boring.
“However, when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.” how very true, it always starts with us first.
Got so much from reading this again Danielle. Beautiful honest and simple explanation of what the difference is between lovemaking and sex.
Relationships can be another way that we search on the outside for what we already hold within. You beautifully pointed this out when you said you were trying to find ‘it’. It’s the ‘it that is within that makes the relationship about love.
Such a great blog Danielle and I love the honesty you express with. I grew up seeing sex as something of a ‘give and take’ but your experience proves that it is possible to make love and that making love supports everyone equally.
Appreciate deeply the call we have made towards the consequences of self-constructed devastation and abuse. Our bodies do not love and we have now made the choice to return to what is natural. It takes time and a lot of patience, but hey, we have once again said yes to love.
What I am seeing recently is that it’s not that I don’t know how to live and make Love, but that it is something so sweet, innocent and deeply precious to me, I have preferred to keep it hidden away. Why risk showing the world this tenderness when you can just ‘get through the day’? But that’s not understanding the devastating harm that comes to us all when we hold back and restrict the Love that we are. Thank you Danielle for what you share and this opportunity to express how I feel.
Thank you Danielle. You remind me that love goes hand in hand with responsibility.
If life and time were spherical, any point in time is a choice to return or not return to the original roots of who we are. When there is no awareness of what our choices have been, we are still in the boat of ignorance sailing and drifting farther away from our origin. When we have the awareness that our past choices bear irresponsibility, then it is a celebration rather than shame, as we are now on the path of return. The bigger picture needs to be clearly seen.
Relative to lovemaking of the kind described here, sex seems like a very poor substitute and actually feels quite arid; quite devoid of depth and certainly of any true connection to ourselves or our partner.
“It’s like a chain, in that if the first link is broken there’s no way the other two can follow”, this is a beautiful description of love and life as such, in order to be loving with each other love needs to be our every moment’s intention of every move, if not we will always go through ups and downs and on time and off time and thus never experience the fullness of ourselves.
A great sharing, I love how your husband and yourself are slowly developing a more, ‘delicate, special and loving way to be with each other and with everyone that we meet – in every interaction, the way we speak, cook together, ask something from the other, and move about the house in a more gentle and caring way… ‘, and how you had developed a more loving, tender and caring way of being with yourself as a foundation.
How we are with ourself firstly, and then with another in our daily everyday life is so important, ‘ lovemaking. Nothing was spoken about the physical actions and how this should be, but more about how we were with each other during the day – to build a truly loving interaction with each other before we were even in the bedroom. I began to understand that lovemaking needed to start with not only how I am with my partner throughout the day, but also how I am with myself.’ Building a loving relationship with self is fundamental.
As I read this I am aware of how much I used to compartmentalise my life which started very young. We are told we are good at drawing or maths or sport or told we are good all rounders. Growing up I wasn’t loving with myself and nor were those around me – the world is generally like this – so I searched for what was missing in finding the perfect man and the way to get him was to be the perfect partner. This in part meant being good at sex so I read a few books on the matter. Needless to say this had nothing to do with being connected with myself or the partner or love and I not only accepted being dumped on for many years but sought it in my craving for intimacy.
When we compartmentalise anything we reduce it to its parts when actually we are all one wondrous whole that we can then share with another. Making love is how I get up in the morning, how I speak with myself and move. Love knows how to express.
Looking at how we are with ourselves is a huge step to being aware of the love, we actually share and live How gentle and tender can we be with ourselves first, this will natural be felt and expressed with another person, when we live it. I am learning this to be true in my life.
Love is who we are. Expressing, being, making love is actually our most natural ability. In the myriad of excitement and stimulation that the world tells us that sex offers, when we have felt what that is, it is clear it does not belong to who we are. It is true we have taken on what the world tells us is love, and that being intimate with a partner is all about sex, because that is how we will be accepted. But isn’t it also true that no matter how the world champions sex over making love, that when we choose making love to be our choice, we are offering an amazing reflection of truth regarding love, in the area relationship, where love is meant to be the foundation?
We may run into many situations where this reflection is not accepted, and that is for us to deepen the love within ourselves, as when we do–when love is our breath naturally, those who know and want to breathe this too, we will discover, are many.
This conversation is a very powerful one to have. I grew up with having sex being about what each person can get out of it, love making is something else entirely. It is about the quality and intent of it and yes without it being sexual this quality can be lived throughout life.
It is a such a significant point you make, Danielle, that to love another we have to love ourselves first. When you write, “As I previously said, this is not perfect, and sometimes it is very challenging. However, when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve,” it is so true.
I love how you have talked about making love as more than the physical act of love making with a partner. Every interaction that we have is an opportunity to bring more love and care to everyone we meet and occurs with every word spoken and every movement made.
Beautifully shared Danielle and inspiring with a loving understanding of past selves that have had no role models of how life can be lived. So amazing to be living amongst those who do make love.
There is nothing necessarily wrong with sex on its own per say, except that whilst it may bring pleasure and relief, it will never bring the depth of intimacy and connection that is experienced in making love. Further more, making love is something that extends well beyond the bedroom, and thus is longer lasting than any mere sexual encounter.
Most delicately and openly shared, thank you Danielle, it shows that we hold the power of true love in our own hands.
All of us make mistakes – some with more dire consequences than others. What is important to realise when such things happen is that shame and guilt actually do not assist the healing process, and in fact hinder it. Equally they hinder our ability to truly reflect on the consequences of what we have done and in many ways stop us from truly understanding how we have affected others, as such emotions keep us centralised.
If Love lives not just in the bedroom, but in our whole life, how we move, talk, touch and speak and type, every little thing must all build to the feeling we make. No wonder we prefer to see Love restricted to sexy underwear or flowers sent on the right day! This other way asks us to be responsible and super caring in every thing that we do. But having read your words Danielle, wow, what a beautiful scenario – for imagine the beauty we can build every day. It blows me away.
It’s so easy to use sex for relief and a sense of connection but if we choose this it leaves us feeling empty and alone afterwards and the cycle continues. Making love is a 24/7 commitment that supports us to evolve.
How I am with myself is a such a huge part of how I am with others, everything I perceive from outside comes from an understanding within, what formulates that understanding is something that we can be assessing, reflecting on and in some cases healing throughout our lives.
It’s no use complaining about our partners when we feel he or she is not being loving… it is showing us that there is more love we can give to ourselves.
This needs to be talked about more. We think we can keep the bedroom separate to the rest of our lives but love is so much more than these 4 walls, we can’t just turn love on when we open the bedroom door. As you show Danielle, love starts with us first, and the gentleness and caring we give to ourselves then naturally flows into how we are with our partner. If there is no love during the day it can’t be magically turned on just for the bedroom and this is why it is great that you are bringing a greater awareness to the difference between making love and having sex..
What a great read on the steps towards love ‘part 1’.. there is so much to learn and discover about yourself once you understand how true love works. From my experience too it is a forever deepening with yourself. It is a commitment to evolving and not stay put becoming satisfied with comforting the next level of responsibility and how that looks for you.
Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly Danielle. You remind me that lovemaking is built on a foundation of self love. Very simple but profound as we are bombarded with messages that tell us the answer lies in finding something outside of ourselves, a different partner, beauty, etc. We have become conditioned to accept (and even crave) something much less than love.
The bedroom can be the celebration of the love we share each day with our partners. Thank you Danielle for sharing on a topic that is often swept under the carpet or down played as not a big deal. There is so much quality we can bring to this loving union between two people when we make a commitment in our livingness to bring the realness to the all that we live and be.
Danielle I used to feel guilty over having sex and it took a long time to come to appreciate the magic and deep confirmation that making love offers us, that it order to make love one has to live love with all and the physical act is a celebration of that lived love.
Great point MA. There is a stigma around sex that is reinforced by many established religions. If we take on all this guilt and shame we are clouded as to the real reason that sex is not as fulfilling as we know love making can be.
When we look back at our lives, sure we all have a different arrangement of events, a checkerboard of ups and downs, but in the end what we are here to consider is it’s all just part of the same ‘need and relief’ game. Choosing true Love in any moment of life cuts all this complication out of the way and makes the quality you share with everyone, everywhere the defining factor. Thank you Danielle for this beautiful inspiration to honour, care and cherish true connection.
It’s funny how we study maths at school, but we never learn the primary equation for this world: one choice plus the next choice, plus all the ones before that all add up to the life that we get. So if we wish to enjoy all that is truly on offer all we need to do is choose Love – one moment to the next. Yes, Danielle we are all Love builders with our every day life, and certainly not just at night.
Very much appreciating your depth of honesty here Danielle – a quality that can indeed inspire a great many…
When I reflect back on my earlier years, and all the drives, wants and needs around ‘sex’, if I am truly honest, it is horrendous to get in touch with just what was allowed, partaken in, and what I felt I ‘should do’ in order to basically be a woman and human being…
Aargh…
Then enter the dawning of greater self-awareness, and the realisation that everything we do is by choice. When I came to the work of Universal Medicine in this regard, it made absolute sense, and I let myself go deeper in truly getting in touch with all that it is to make love, and the great beauty there is (without perfection) in building such a relationship with my husband in particular – and essentially end the reign of abuse of myself, my partner, and the rest that had been allowed for so long.
This article is revolutionary in that it clearly speaks of the responsibility we hold in all relationships. Everybody (from our partners, children, parents and friends to work mates and people on the street) all deserve to be held with tender, loving understanding. Our responsibility, to treat ourselves this way, so it is there in our body and way of being when we are with others.
Very true Leigh. All my life I have tried to give love to others without giving it to myself first. I also constantly wanted others to ‘give’ love to me. The more I take responsibility for the amount of love that I choose to express the more I can see that this whole game of give and take is not love at all. We cannot give another something that we are, something that they already are. We can only choose to let love in and out.
I love how this article brings us to the reality that to be tender, loving, caring and holding of another, that it can’t be offered unless we offer the same to ourselves first.
How honest and insightful this is Danielle. The realisation of how everything that we are continually seeking and losing ourselves in, is that which is outside of ourselves, offering only a distraction from the deep sadness and temporary relief in the search for that missing ‘it’. The end result, always being further delay in our return to that which is true – our innermost divine essence.
“I recognised I wasn’t trying to find perfect sex or the perfect relationship or the successful finances and belongings, but instead find ‘it’ – that thing that I felt was missing”.
This is so amazing to read because it’s not spoken of. I grew up thinking I had to be ‘good’ at sex – like it was the same as being able to do a back flip or snowboard. There are lots of books on techniques and all that with some mention of love but not what love is or the quality. I know that if I am ignoring something in myself I don’t have a connection with myself or another, then love cannot flow.
I have never been able to convince myself to have loveless sex, it was never worth it to feel the deep emptiness afterwards. My choice for a while was to not be in a romantic relationship with anyone, until that felt exhausted, which was a signal my body was asking me to deepen the love for myself. The time that I chose to be single was never boring because it was an opportunity to practice every moment being a moment of making love—which has nothing sexual to it, simply a way of being I committed to being with myself and others—whether I was gentle, observant, understanding, honest, playful etc. When I met my present partner, everything that was being practiced and lived with myself naturally became how I am with him, what I realized then is, we are never really alone, we are always married to everyone in energy, and when this becomes an actuality in physicality, it is a common movement between two people for further deepening. Love can always be made, and that is a choice and a responsibility, and in it all, the word love does not even have to be uttered.
Great blog Danielle we have lost the art of intimacy and making love and what that really means. Making love is a natural extension of the day of two people sharing their lives together lovingly. Being loving and caring is our natural way.
I love the way you describe everything as a chain Danielle. This is the complete opposite to how we like to see relationships and life today. We look for the ‘one’, who will give us the biggest high, and get fixated on the ‘right woman’ or guy who will turn us on. Everything is geared up for the amazing climax, whilst we accept and turn a blind eye to everything else that we see. It turns out as you show that it is the everything else that is actually the star of the show. How beautiful that it’s never too late to make your next moment (and the next) about making Love as you go.
Your words remind me Danielle, how much we are used to seeing the world as something that ‘just happens’ and life as something delivered to us. ‘Great sex’ we start to think is some mystery dependent of random techniques or particular positions. But what if life is a result of the way that we move? What if we determine and contribute to everything, every moment we breathe? This level of responsibility is too much for most it seems, but it doesn’t stop it being the fact that lives underneath. Imagine the Love we may experience and ‘make’ if we embraced this possibility and lived life like that? I for one am going to give it a go, and stop seeing life’s pleasures as something that should be automatically delivered direct to my door, without me having to take action or get up off the couch.
‘So if I want to touch my husband in a deeply tender, delicate and precious way, I need to be passing him the pepper or a cup of tea in the same way. Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.’ I love these daily life examples and how it is about the quality we live in that determines how we are with others and if we make love or not. It is all about ourselves, we can never blame another for not having love in our lives.
‘The lovely feeling behind all of this is that the way that we touch and hold each other carries no need whatsoever: no need to get anything from the other, and no need to give anything to them because ‘it’ is already all there before we begin. We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other.’ Choosing to love ourselves first and not depend on another to give us what we are not allowing ourselves to feel is bringing true responsIbility into a relationship.
This blog offers another interesting reflection about our innate awareness that something is missing from many of our relationships. How do we know? As Danielle shares here, she was looking for ‘it’ but the knowing that there is an ‘it’ is somehow innate in her and in all of us. When ‘it’ is missing we all feel it – we all know when ‘it isn’t it’ and so to me this shows that we do have an inner knowing of what ‘it’ is and how ‘it’ will feel when we find it. This innateness is in my experience deeply wise and can be our guide in life if we choose to embrace it more deeply.
Beautifully said Danielle. It is a wonderful revelation to realise that making love is something we can engage with all day every day, no matter what we are doing or where we are because it is a way of living not just something we do in relation to sex and physical ‘intimacy’. Then, when it is our way of being, it is our way of being in the bedroom too. What a lovely way to be.
I love that Serge has revolutionalised relationships and what is possible between people through presenting the power of developing a loving relationship with ourselves first… it may be challenging but we absolutely deserve nothing less.
The all-day lovemaking described here is super-important, not only in terms of building a quality of relationship, but in cases where physical lovemaking might be restricted, for whatever reason.
‘…when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.’ Great closing words Danielle and as true for me as they are for you. As soon as I step outside of being precious, tender and adoring of myself I’ve pretty much lost it (i.e. myself) everywhere else.
When we look outside ourselves to fill the void or emptiness knowing at us from within the actual quality of energy that fills that gap can vary enormously.
This is a beautiful blog, explaining love as it truly is. A truly loving connection with another is only possible when we are this with ourselves. So when we not we should ask ourself the question why, and how do I come back to this loving way. The beauty is that it is in everything, there is no part in life where we can say no, or that it isn’t needed.
Danielle, I love the way you link this up like a chain, be tender and loving with ourselves and then we can do it in our everyday reactions (like passing that pepper), and then it follows on that we can be tender in how we are in our bedrooms. It’s so obvious when it’s put this way, but reading it today has allowed it to sink in on another level … if any of those links is broken then of course the others don’t work. And it’s hugely healing to read as I can now understand how some of my sexual experiences were awful, as in fact at those times I really didn’t treat myself in how I treated or thought about myself very well, so it makes sense. I can now feel how different I am with me and how different that makes how I am treated by others, and can see that I do not have to hold myself to ransom for where I’ve been and how I’ve been, but to see the choices I’m now making and how they’ve changed my life. Thank you for a very supportive read today.
Danielle I love the way you describe love making as a chain, if one link is broken then all is disconnected. The fact that we can only love all in the same way.
Hello Danielle, it’s interesting how things work, “I am slowly discovering how to be more caring, gentle, honouring and special with myself: in my thoughts, the way I move, speak and the words that I use. In turn, people naturally begin to be this way with me also. ” So changing the world through developing and changing the way you are? Not so new but it seems to be rare at this point. What a refreshing look at the world you give Danielle, in a world that pushes it’s view on everyone and everything. A person or a couple willing to dedicate to changing their view on the world and in turn that changes the world’s view on them. We can push the world to be different or we can take the action that’s needed, ‘we’ collectively need to change the way we are, to ourselves first which in turn does the rest of the work. Great lead Danielle thank you.
If you do not live love, you cannot make love, and so you will of course fall for the illusionary cheap look alike watch known as sex, or the even deeper illusion of porn, and became enamored by the feeling of relief that it offers from your otherwise state of being. However, if your state of being is one of feeling complete within yourself – full to the brim so to speak – then you invariably find that the desires of the world are no longer needed to fulfill you. This is fundamentally where are lot of the dogmatic religions get it wrong so to speak. The christians rely on the threat of punishment and shame to cajole people into renouncing what are deemed sinful acts. The buddhists rely on a constant process of detachment. Both of these tenets however are deeply flawed for the simple reason that they offer nothing to fill the void that is left when one tries to renounce their so called desires. Thus, in order to truly renounce something that you know not to be true, whether it is porn, alcohol, abusive relationships, or indeed a need to find sexual gratification or even have constant forms of entertainment at your fingertips, one needs to be first reconnecting to something else in order to fill the void. And that something is the energy of fire, or love, or your true essence – call it what you will. And that in a nutshell describes what the esoteric life is all about – a process of constant unfoldement where one first recognises and says yes to one state of being that is impulsed by their own Soul, which in itself provides a foundation for them to renounce a way of being that is not actually true – a way of being that seemingly has a thousand variations, from anxiety and depression through to happiness and ecstasy – none of which are actually your true state of being.
And the easiest way to challenge one who believes that emotions are actually part of our true state of being, then why are they so transient? Why is happiness so hard to hold onto? And equally why are other emotions such as anger so destructive to the body, if they are natural so to speak? Food for thought…
Need is something that I have felt get in the way of true love making. It’s taken me a while to work out that need was causing reaction in me for many years when it came to love and intimacy, now discovered I’m seeing how many layers there are to need, one major one being the lack of self love we seek others to fill. When we are full of love for ourselves, we can then love another in full.
I completely agree that we NEVER need to be self-beating because that is just adding abuse to abuse and is a form of indulgence. However, when you wrote: “I need to take responsibility for my choices and look at why I made these, but also need to consider that at the time there was no other way shown to me.” it occurred to me that at some level we all know love and know when we are not making loving choices. I certainly did not have any loving role models around and made a lot of bad choices. However, when I look back I can feel there was a part of me that always knew I was making a bad choice when I was doing it, but some need was greater in me at that time than the truth. So whilst I don’t look back in regret, I do look to be aware of just how harmful certain choices were, to acknowledge that love and truth are always my number one priority and to choose to never make these kind of unloving choices again in this life or future lives!
I loved reading this Danielle, and really relate to in the past how all my interactions were about the physical side, the position, the size, the movement etc. There is so much more to making love. We can’t separate how we are in all we do outside the bedroom to how we are in the bedroom.
Wauw Danielle, this is a very deeply healing sharing , for me to read and I trust everyone! How we are so used to look at sex/love making a certain way and how this comes often limited and loveless. It is so good to feel that you have found a way to come back to yourself, express yourself and with others (like this example with you partner). And how we do not have to wait for something to come to us and fix it. But that we carry the answer within.
And what you say here is so real and true: ” However, when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.” How crazy, but actually beautiful to start looking at it like this. Let’s start.
“Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.” I loved this whole blog and the sentence above especially. Relationships of all sorts always reveal the relationship we have with ourselves and provide opportunities for us to heal hurts that get in the way of our connection.
A beautiful blog Danielle I just love these words, it sums it all up so beautifully thank you. “The lovely feeling behind all of this is that the way that we touch and hold each other carries no need whatsoever: no need to get anything from the other, and no need to give anything to them because ‘it’ is already all there before we begin. We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other.”
Awesome blog Daniele, we are brought up with fairy tales of finding prince charming but none of these fairy tale books tell us that until we love, accept and cherish ourselves we will in truth never find what we are looking for.
Great article Daniele. This is so true . . . “I am slowly discovering how to be more caring, gentle, honouring and special with myself: in my thoughts, the way I move, speak and the words that I use. In turn, people naturally begin to be this way with me also.” Everything comes back to how we are with ourselves. This is massive as it asks us to be responsible instead of blaming others or judging and shaming our self. The more we care for our self the more we find our selves in more caring situations. Our whole outlook on the world changes for us.
I love the clarity of being loving with another is like a chain – that if a link is broken by an abrupt movement the next loving chain cannot follow unless we reconnect to love again.
“I began to understand that lovemaking needed to start with not only how I am with my partner throughout the day, but also how I am with myself.” Danielle this insight is gold . . . it is really time to share it with the world – imagine more people would chose to be so responsible.
I have always had difficulties completely surrendering in the bedroom, I think all the negative experiences were still with me on some level and in the moments were other people would loose themselves in passion, I was frozen and numb, not literally, because I faked enjoyment very well but on the inside I felt nothing. Through the support of esoteric healing I am almost free of all the trauma I suffered from age 12 to 23. I am extremely grateful that I am now a woman that knows the difference between sex and making love, what a gift because they are polar opposites when the truth of each is known.
It seems young people give up on love earlier and more completely with the sexual exploitative behaviour they engage in. The knight in shining armour is of course an illusion, unless you see such a saviour figure within yourself, the loving nature within us that never gives up on us.
Lovely writing Danielle, the act of lovemaking as an extension of our love in our day has never been presented so clearly, but what sense it makes to see that how we live in one area of our life will deeply affect another area. So how we move and commit to expressing in our relationships sows the seed to how the relationship develops.
Danielle, much to love about your blog, thank you. What I get super clearly, especially from this line – “the bedroom cannot be the only place where love is switched on, and off.” – that we need to bring this love to ourselves first and foremost, and then to our partner (or other relationships) as much as we can during the day and then when we come to the bedroom, it is a beautiful continuation and not the only place it happens where you ‘make love’.
It’s beautiful to understand that lovemaking is in the way we are with ourselves and our partner throughout the day and the physical act is the confirmation of that way of being rather than using the physical act to try and make up for what is nonexistent throughout the day.
The quality of my relationship with anyone is a reflection of my relationship with me. So simple and so profound.
Our current life is like a TV show, or a play, that has been constantly on, relentlessly pumping out dramas, events and ‘memorable lines’ to which we hold on. But what you reveal and share here Danielle is that there is a way to press pause, to find the remote and turn this stuff off. And then rediscover there’s a person and a way of life who’s been ignored underneath. Yes, there is a way to make Love to life, if only we stop and choose to make the drama cease.
I love the way you describe everything as a development Daniele. Here there is no perfection or ‘super lover’ you are supposed to be, or checkboxes to tick but just a dedication to living every moment to the best of your ability. This way opens us up to see ‘the chain’ that you mention that flows from the moment we go to sleep the day before. And then understand we are all part of a bigger chain too, connected to each other in all we do.
It seems like such a strange concept that we think we can just turn a switch on and then all of a sudden we are “making love”. It makes so much sense how you have described it here, that every action can, in fact, be a making of love if we are with our own love when we are doing what we are doing.
I simply love your honesty Danielle “However, when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.” When challenges come up it is the soul’s way of asking us to go deeper with ourselves and how we in turn care and treasure who we are. Making love then becomes an expression and quality that is shared between everyone we interact with including our partners.
Great sharing Danielle. I totally agree . . .”However, when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.” . . . this is indeed the key to a healthy relationship with another. Being tender, adoring and precious with ourselves opens our hearts so we can let love in.
There were many partners that I had in my late teens and early 20’s that showed the reckless level of disregard I had for myself, yet at the time it was “normal” nothing out the ordinary. In fact in many occasions the “romance” was turned up to full volume. I often thought there was love, but then why were there so many issues, so much disfunction and so much emptiness? Sex was used to fix everything. Yet in truth it changed nothing and the stories you share about lying awake feeling alone are also my experience. What has changed is starting to appreciate the connection with myself, then another and how making love is more than just the physical act but the care and expression I hold with my wife during the whole day, week, month, year etc.. It’s been a hard one to get my head around but certainly one that means I no longer wake up feeling alone and consider the care I take as paramount.
This blogs speaks volumes about the responsibility both partners play in bringing more presence in how they are with each other that does accumulate to the way we can express our love in appreciation at the end of the day.
Stop Press! I want every young person around the world to read this article, not enough is said on this subject and so many people are suffering because of it, thank you Danielle for sharing.
We struggle so long to crack relationships and overcome heartbreak, but seldom do we stop and consider that the Love we pursue could be so much bigger. And that perhaps the reason Things go ‘wrong’ every time is not because we are faulty in any way but because true Love, that cherishes and cares for all equally is actually the only way. There can be no deviation from nurturing and bringing quality to ourselves, no matter how many routes we like to try, no matter how many forms of sugar we may imbibe it comes down in the end to developing the warmth and tenderness you describe Danielle.
I know which one I would choose, the making love
I love your analogy “It’s like a chain, in that if the first link is broken there’s no way the other two can follow (i.e. if I’m not tender and loving with myself and my thoughts or the way I speak to myself, then there’s no way possible that I can firstly speak and be tender or loving with my partner, let alone touch and hold him preciously and adoringly in the way that he deserves).” it comes back to self love every time.
A blog to challenge every man. Worth reading twice.
Wow thank you Danielle, your blog confirms to me that without self love and self acceptance we are left open to the mercy of our own demise. I too am developing a more loving way with myself and hence a more loving way with others. My husband and I feel really blessed to be able to attend the presentations and listen to the audios of Serge Benhayon, from his massive inspiration we have deepened our love for ourselves, each other and the world in general.
I’ve found myself ‘box ticking’ with the idea of making love in the bedroom instead of having sex. In terms of what it should look like, feel like and the level of gentleness – but what I’ve realised is that I was trying to be something for my partner and in that I was not allowing myself to be me and enjoy the connection we have together outside the bedroom and throughout our daily life. When the connection is lived, there is no need to try, just appreciate and express it.
It’s so easy to find ourself conjuring up a picture of what something should feel or look like, but in doing so we miss the finer details and the beauty of the present, which in truth would lead to the gorgeousness in the future.
Danielle, I love how when things are challenging in our relationships that we first need to look at the quality of the relationship that we have with ourselves for if this is not harmonious it flows into the relationship.
“So if I want to touch my husband in a deeply tender, delicate and precious way, I need to be passing him the pepper or a cup of tea in the same way. Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.” Most beautifully explained how every action has an effect and how the quality we choose determines how our next move will be.
Truly insightful Danielle. It is illusion to think we can be harsh for most of the day and then magically change gear and become loving in the bedroom. Making love, or being love for that matter is not an on/off switch on your bedrroom door. It is a state of being that takes dedication to hold and foster.
A valid point shared her Adam Warburton. Being love can only make love. The other is selling an illusion that can fill an emptiness that comes from an irresponsibility that fills rather than feels.
Any one moment in life is a reflection of the previous choices we have made with ourselves and others. If we have been harsh, disconnected and driven in our day then that is what we take into the bedroom which then makes the time with our partner one of relief rather than connection or deepening of love. And if we have been caring , self nurturing and honouring in our day then that is the quality we share in the bedroom. Every moment with ourselves and others is a choice that builds and deepens our love or not.
I can feel the love in your words Danielle. There is no ‘on’ ‘off’ button to love, In developing a truly loving and tender way with yourself this is felt and shared with a partner and making love is a confirmation of the love that you are.
Beautiful Danielle, a very important subject that needs to be truly discussed, which these blogs are a start of. Thank you for sharing and making sure that the world actually now has a place to look for the difference between sex and making love.. As you are not the one who has or is searching for “it”. Awesome work, and there is even more..
Agree – a very beautiful sharing and something that needs to be discussed. How awesome would it be if from young in our homes and in our schools, we were taught that love is about the way we move, relate and are with ourselves and others. If this happened I don’t think empty sex would exist – just people making love confirming the way they already related with each other in their relationship.
I’m finding that if things are challenging it is because we are avoiding something that needs to be discussed, or going deeper in how we have been together or there is a next step to take.
We seem to put a lot of emphasis on sex or making love in a relationship, as if this can dictate the quality of the relationship, but what you have so beautifully described here Danielle is that making love is not only reserved for the bedroom, but can be a developing love that is shared all the time with a partner. Rather than looking to the bedroom to seek relief (sex) or to make love – I have discovered that deepening a relationship is in every movement, and that the physical act of making love is a confirmation of the love that is shared.
“Then I came across a group of people who talked about sex versus lovemaking, and that there was a great difference between the two: this group of people was Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon. Serge never once said to not have sex, or that sex was bad. He just presented another option – lovemaking.” There is another way. This is so good to hear – all the more so today when young people are exposed to porn, sexting and the whole idea of making love has become warped. An inspiring blog – thankyou Danielle.
My care and love for myself has been deepening, and as a result the quality of relationship with my flatmate has changed. We are more aware of each other around our home, and we are aware of the quality of energy we are in at all times. It can be felt. If I were not caring for myself I would not feel this and I would not care. How could I when there is not a level of care for myself? Yes the love and care needs to start with self, otherwise it is impossible to be aware of how we are with others.
I find that I can still lose myself a bit in relationships to the many pictures of what I think I need to be or how it should look and at times this can be hard to then discern how I actually feel about things. I agree that we need to first be loving with ourselves as the foundation for any relationship.
What you share here is so beautiful, it is inspiring me to feel deeper into the way that love is. And that loving someone comes first and foremost from the love I have for myself, which I am responsible for, nothing else can bring that to me. It is all up to me to choose this love again and again.
I have yet to share such a relationship that would involve the situation of Lovemaking but what you’ve shared here Danielle is that making love with others and firstly ourselves can be in everyday tasks. And when we start with ourselves it makes sharing love with others very simple and possible. Thank you.
Having been brought up with the understanding that ‘making love’ went on behind closed doors, a room set aside for this very activity? Now feeling/understanding that lovemaking is the inspirational seed that is required from within ourselves first, yes, how can we make love with another if we do not love ourselves,gently, tenderly and adoringly first.
What a remarkable realization the following is – “However, when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.” As I am discovering when this realization is lived it changes our life completely.
Yes Danielle, the quality of experiences we enjoy are simply a consequence of all the choices we make. Nothing turns up ‘out of the blue’ unexpectedly – Love is something we develop with every moment and move. This fact is humbling but truly empowering too.
“The bedroom cannot be the only place where love is switched on, and off. So if I want to touch my husband in a deeply tender, delicate and precious way, I need to be passing him the pepper or a cup of tea in the same way. Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.“ Thank you Danielle I was very touched by these words. I realize that I always wanted to solve my relationship problems in changing my partner and now understanding that they key is to love myself so I can also meet my partner with love. And we create problems in relationships because we are not loving with ourselves and live in disregard.
“I began to understand that lovemaking needed to start with not only how I am with my partner throughout the day, but also how I am with myself.“ I agree Danielle, if i am not self loving during the day i won’t be able to have a relationship with another based on love.
You provide real wisdom on the basic requirement for true love in a relationship. For how can we create a loving connection with another if we don’t bring that loving connection through ourselves first? Just what are we bringing to them otherwise? Need, expectation, demand and imposition – none of which are loving.
Brilliant blog Danielle. Your final paragraph makes so much sense, if things are challenging in relationships it is absolutely because I find it challenging to love myself so deeply that I can accept the love that the other is sharing with me. Knowing this I know the way forward and how the responsibility to have a loving relationship is always with ourselves.
‘It’s like a chain, in that if the first link is broken there’s no way the other two can follow’ I love this description Danielle as it firmly puts the onus on us first, which without the connection to ourselves how can there be the same connection with another?
Very beautiful Danielle – ‘Together my husband and I are developing a more delicate, special and loving way to be with each other and with everyone that we meet – in every interaction, the way we speak, cook together, ask something from the other, and move about the house in a more gentle and caring way… sometimes with a playful smile or silly comment. Naturally the way we are with each other in the bedroom is a follow-on from how we are with each other in the house. The bedroom cannot be the only place where love is switched on, and off. So if I want to touch my husband in a deeply tender, delicate and precious way, I need to be passing him the pepper or a cup of tea in the same way. Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.’
There are so many beliefs around sex, it’s just unbelievable. How we should do it, how often, which positions, what we have to wear, that it has to be exciting, what we have to do, what we should not do, that you need to have an orgasm, that a man needs to have an orgasm, that when you don’t have sex every week, there must be something wrong with your relationship and well, so the list goes on and on. It seems that we have lost touch with intimacy and what it truly means to connect first. To just be with each other, without having to do anything. There is much doing around sex, while for me making love is more about being.
Inspiring sharing Danielle for all ages. Beautifully presented , the whole package of what Love really is and how it is shared. First Loving and caring of oneself is so important, otherwise we would become needy and be looking for confirmation from each other.
Your words remind me Danielle how we can turn every act in life into a ‘hit’ that will temporarily give us a lift. How different life is though when we appreciate the opportunity we have to make every moment more loving and deeper. Wow – what power, care, intimacy and healing every movement can carry.
It is so important ‘…to build a truly loving interaction with each other before we were even in the bedroom.’ This way of being starts with us. We are the love in the love making. 🙂 🙂
This is one of the most precious gifts that Serge Benhayon gave to me. With his help I understood that I can not say ‘I love you’ to my partner, and think in a bad way about myself or others. There is actually no difference energetically between how I am with me, my partner or anybody else. Everybody gets the whole package of how I am with everybody.
‘There is actually no difference energetically between how I am with me, my partner or anybody else. Everybody gets the whole package of how I am with everybody.’ I love this, it puts us on notice that every interaction, in fact every action, can either be one of love or not, it is our choice and that is then what we are gifting the world.
‘ ‘it’ is already all there before we begin. We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other.’ So simply put and an exquisite concept, indeed a truth, that we first have to re-learn to love ourselves fully before we can fully love another. Otherwise what of ourselves are we truly taking into a relationship?
When two people come together to share themselves in fullness it is beautiful. It is a stark contrast between two people coming together from a want, a need, a desire, in this there is only a moment met, or not, and not a building or true developing of the relationship.
What you share Danielle is super important and an absolute game changer for relationships. To consider lovemaking extends past the bedroom is indeed worth developing in your relationship and leads to a more loving and deeper connection with your partner as you have so beautifully shared.
“The lovely feeling behind all of this is that the way that we touch and hold each other carries no need whatsoever: no need to get anything from the other, and no need to give anything to them because ‘it’ is already all there before we begin.” How beautiful to be so full of love for ourselves that there is no need of others to give us anything. This was everyone i simply free to be themselves, without expectation or demand.
I appreciate this description of the chain concerning how we interact with one another “It’s like a chain, in that if the first link is broken there’s no way the other two can follow…” So often, I know in my experience and I have observed that often there is not a flow and connection, we hop over the disagreements, mean words and toughness and leap into bed or to a romantic dinner without considering it, or ignoring the quality of what we choose. Being aware of the chain links in life is a great way to be aware of our responsibility and commitment to ourselves and others and to feel the quality that we are choosing to live in.
Oh I know that one Samantha – hopping into bed to try to fix or gloss over the disagreements etc. But 2 disconnected and contracted people trying to make love does not work. Make up sex is just that – a made up version of intimacy that falls far short of the feel thing, leaving us needy for true intimacy and love-making.
This is great to review – nothing can be glossed over in truth and you have to wonder what two disconnected people really get out of the physicality? What must we say to ourselves, convince ourselves that it is okay?
“because ‘it’ is already all there before we begin. We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other”. Absolutely beautiful and truly inspiring. This makes me think of situations I have been in where people ‘ask’ for a hug or kiss, coming from a need and not wanting to feel something. When I say yes to this, this hug or kiss never feels lovely and true. A hug and kiss are so different when two people are loving with themselves first.
I love this account of what true love making is, its not a sexual act its a way that we be with ourselves and with each other first, the lovemaking is all of that in every moment.
Thank you Danielle
Agreed Natalie and Danielle. It is something that, to my knowledge, isn’t talked about anywhere else. This is such a basic but important topic that is relevant to people everywhere so it is great that people are bring it up for more open discussion.
Thank you Danielle for your very real account, and how bringing making love into life – all aspects of life – is the key to treasuring and developing truly loving relationships.
A great and honest account of how ‘love making’ is in all the activity of our lives and how when we are complete in ourselves, there is nothing needed from another – no satiation, recognition as a perfect love machine or anything else and when the pressure is off – so powerful, natural and easy how the true energy of love can enter into love making.
Danielle I loved your example of the chains. If the first link is broken then you can’t connect with the other two. You made it easy to understand that fully deeply connecting and loving yourself on a constant basis allows us to express this in everything we do like passing the pepper to making love. Thank you Danielle.
Making love has no beginning and no end. The physical expression is just one element of this cycle. Only if we live lovingly in each and every moment to the best of our ability will making love be the natural consequence.
Thanks Danielle for your honest sharing. Your blog has given me a timely reminder of the importance of not skipping over the basics: self love is the foundation for all other relationships, regardless of whether I am speaking with someone serving me in a shop or with my husband.
It is the detail and the small things that help us to connect throughout the day.
In the past I got confused as I thought passing a glass of wine as gently as I could, was still not loving at all, and never realised how much I allowed myself to be played by alcohol, thinking it was ok!
This is the sort of thing that, if published in mainstream women’s magazines, would start a self-love revolution – a return to our naturally delicate and precious ways as women and the joy of sharing this with a chosen man. Thank you for sharing Danielle.
I love what you share about passing on the pepper or giving somebody a cup of tea. It is all those moments and in all those details, that defines our love making. The focus nowadays is so much on sex, that we seem to have forgotten what love and love making is truly about.
I agree Mariette, we do seem to have forgotten. If we look back to past centuries, courting was a beautiful start to a relationship, where love was actually being ‘made’ between 2 people. We can look at it and laugh a little at how choreographed it all was, but we could learn a thing or 2 from the courtiers of the past. The innocence and honouring of each other was delightful.
Being love with ourself is the only way to truly love each other, I can feel this in every kind of relationship, not only couples but everyone I am choosing to be open with gets the opportunity to feel my love, and only when I feel and accept my love first.
Love making is very different, actually the opposite of having sex. I’ve found that when I Truly make Love, there is no goal. Not a desired outcome, nor a climax to reach. Not that it’s not possible, but there’s no drive or ‘mission’. There is a lovely connection between two people that actually enjoy being together. I’ve found for myself that I am still learning to fully be with me, in my body while being with my naked partner’s body. There’s a strong tendency of checking out. As if I do not allow myself, give myself permission to feel the Joy and Playfullness in the Beautiful connection. Intimacy and sex are getting clearer but still there’s this tendency of mixing these two up. As with everything in life, work in progress…
Reblogged this on florisvanderschot's Blog and commented:
De #liefde bedrijven of #sex hebben. Is er een verschil? En vraagt het niet eerst om #liefdevol met onszelf om te gaan? #verantwoordelijkheid
‘If I want to touch my husband in a deeply tender, delicate and precious way, I need to be passing him the pepper or a cup of tea in the same way.’ ‘We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other.’ Thank you, Danielle, your blog is so beautiful and valuable.
The parallels between making love and having sex are foreign to one another. It isn’t something that can be switched on as Daniel describes but something that is naturally built between 2 people. A guess an analogy could be you can’t taste the fruits of your toil until you have tendered and nurtured a seedling to become a tree that produces fruit.
Love is far bigger than what we share with our partners between the covers. I really related to this blog, and how I had idolised sex to be something of a rom com passionate and emotional occurrence. Completely unrealistic and very empty in reality. To understand what love is now, to see it for all it can be, not just with my partner but for everyone equally, has opened up my whole relationship with people. How can I go home and make love to my partner if I have been shut down and dismissive of someone in the day? To live in that extreme way is to not live love at all; and therefore how can we make it?
For me I have Always had a problem with ‘deserving’. Because of my lack of self-worth, I believed that I did not deserve to have a good and easy life…. and so my life was a constant struggle. Now that I am growing in self-love every day, I feel how much I am deserving of love and positive, happy relationships with everyone I meet, regardless of how short or long the exchange is…… the key is loving yourself first, only then can you truly love another.
This really rings a bell with me – looking for love from another when I haven’t been living it with and for myself first. It’s at epidemic proportions in the world, fed and watered as you say by the way sex is portrayed everywhere as a bodily pleasure dome experience, all about the act and nothing about the lived quality we bring to it and share with another. I love the line, ‘We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other’. No need to give or receive because it’s a continuation and an extension of what’s already there.
I absolutely love your blog Danielle, thank you so much for your honesty. ‘when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.’ That is the key isn’t it, to go there with yourself first and know you deserve it.
Before entering into any relationship what you share is pure gold Danielle. The choice to look at how we are living, self caring and nurturing ourselves first is priority. I recognised in myself that I was very ‘needy’ of wanting something in return from whoever I was with. This leading constantly to ‘let downs’ and disappointments. Allowing self love into my life, gentleness and tenderness which are ways of feeling into every moment of how I move and go about my daily way of living has brought about a whole new way of deepening relationships, old and new. A beautiful sharing and a constant reminder to feel/look at how we are truly living with ourselves first.
Such a beautiful sharing Danielle. You so truthfully bring the responsibility back to ourselves to love and be love first before we can offer that Love to another. Thank you.
It is so interesting how much we focus on finding the perfect partner or perfecting the physical act of having sex believing that this will bring us something we know deep down we are missing but are not willing to give to ourselves. Our first most intimate relationship is with ourselves and I understand much deeper having read this blog that if we can learn to ‘make love’ with ourselves with the tenderness, preciousness, understanding and sensitivity that we naturally are, then every relationship we have with another human being completely deepens to be more loving. This is the true ‘satisfaction’ if I can use this word lightly that we are seeking.
Beautifully said Andrew. As Men we act so tough that we’re many times – if not always – do not want to be tender or loving with ourselves. Instead we’re demanding and controlling situations, women, children, colleagues etc. And all along, there’s just one thing we’re Truly missing – Ourselves. I can certainly say now that it is the most precious ‘thing’ in life when I’m Truly connected to my sweetness, my loveliness, my tenderness. All my movements are then full of me and feel incredible. It is a Beautiful unfolding path where I’ve found the answers by connecting more and more to my body and dare to feel the choices that were not so loving – so very painful – to myself.
I really enjoyed how you described how you pass the tea and pepper and that the choice to live with love is like a ‘chain’. So often we compartmentalise life and when it comes to sex, this is rife. We attempt to put our issues and hurts to one side and do the ‘romantic things’ in the hope that this will lead to connection, without putting the ground work in, the foundation of love into our everyday lives. This is ‘making love’, being love every day and passing the pepper to a person, with a love and appreciation for yourself and while honouring who they are. And so from these simple choices the act of physically ‘making love’ is a natural part of life.
I love the example of passing the pepper as well – it is great because it is the most mundane daily action but it can reveal so much about the way we are with ourselves and the other person. And it can be such a deeply tender expression of love to another!
Such a gorgeous detail – I’ll think of this blog next time the pepper needs to be passed 🙂
Yes this part of the article really resonated with me too, the responsibility is with me first in each and every action – no excuses.
I think that when we get to this point, we’ve already started to choose more “I began to understand that lovemaking needed to start with not only how I am with my partner throughout the day, but also how I am with myself”. It seems the more we choose for ourselves and our relationship, we’re offered this back, with no cap to what can be lived and experienced.
Lovely to re-read this and the sentence that stood out for me this morning was ‘We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other.’ The crucial thing is how I am with myself and this is then reflected in all my relationships and is a confirmation of the love that I choose for myself in every moment. Thank you for this lovely reminder for me as I start my day that I have a choice and today I choose Love.
I love how you say that when you are finding the relationship challenging it is because “I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve”. A deep insight if truly felt and then if lived transformational. Thank you, Danielle.
Wow Danielle, thank you for that honest and open view into your life. How you explained and expressed what you choose and do for yourself and are in that way with your partner, makes it very clear and tangible what it actually means to ‘make love’. This is a very lovely and beautiful way to love and be with each other.
Danielle, this is a much needed blog and thank goodness somebody had the courage to write it. We have lost the art of truly making love, a love that extends into every area of our lives. It’s a tender and graceful way of being that holds the other in absolute honour for all that they are, it’s a way of being that makes life full, rich and complete. If this is who we naturally are how did we get so far away from this? The plethora of porn that floods the market and minds of our young is making sure we stay lost and empty, it’s time to take a stand and speak and live the truth as you have done to show a true way of living once again.
Danielle I really in-joyed reading your words, to being able to honour our own preciousness so that then the preciousness of another can then be honoured, this is definitely a choice that changes your life and all those around you.
You have given us the key to true love here. the first step of the chain, and I agree it is like a chain, a chain that happens in many levels at the same time, but that definitely starts with what I feel, think, say and do with me. I sometimes wonder why a relationship did not work, and why I did not treat her with all the love and tenderness that she deserved, and I can blame the other person forever, or I can take responsibility and admit, at least to myself, that I gave up on me, on being tender, precious, and treating myself in my thoughts and actions as the special person that I am. So there was no way I could consistently give that to someone else, I could at the beginning, but the thing is to maintain that, from a consistency with me.
This is such a beautiful article Danielle, precious, tender and caring. Thank you.
It is so gorgeous, empowering and at times challenging to be love with ourselves, families, friends and partners all day, every day, as it can bring up for me just how much I am not love to myself. I am feeling more and more that when love and intimacy are part of our everyday living, there is a beautiful connection in the bedroom. Thank you Danielle for the honesty and love in what you have shared.
THANK YOU DANIELLE, that is just so beautiful. I am deeply touched how openly you are sharing this with such delicacy. What I deeply got from this blog – love is really something in every part of your life, not just in the bedroom. What I also deeply felt is that I have to feel myself how precious I am and how much I am worth it to love myself and be loved. Then also what I can deeply feel is that in every interaction I am in, I am loving or not and that this is reflected in how I am with my partner, family, at work or with friends. Truly and deeply healing to have felt this in my body.
Yes Danna I agree. Love is really in all the parts to make a whole day. The way we interact in everything deepens the quality of our relationships.
It is crazy to think that love is an off and on button that we can command at will. This is a beautifull depiction of how love is something that we should consider in all of our life, and not just in the bedroom and over a candle lit dinner.
It’s interesting observing children as they leave it switched on in the main, we can learn a lot from children.
All relationships start with our commitment to love and our relationship with ourselves – a great reminder Danielle.
Such a beautiful and honest sharing Danielle – thank you.
Thank you, Danielle. Reading your blog, it blew the lid off some of the relationships that I have with people around me – therefore the one with myself. I am being reminded yet again how building a consistency plays a big part in developing a true, loving relationship.
Consistency is all important to our own relationship with self for sure.
This is an amazing key to all relationships. How I am with myself is as equally important as how I am with my partner and I bring all of that with me in everything I do. I find the more loving I am in my attitude to myself and others, the more lovely my inner life is. Beautiful.
Thank you Danielle. What happens in the bedroom has always been a big deal for me as I’ve seen it as an ‘issue’ and so put emphasis on trying to fix that part of the relationship by focusing on that. I’ve always known the difference between sex and making love and that what happens in the bedroom should be a roll on from how you are with eachother during the day. Your blog though has helped me realise to basically not even focus on the bedroom stuff just completely be with the day to day things and make that the priority rather then the bedroom. If that’s awesome, there can’t be any issues in the bedroom.
Your blog is truly inspiring Danielle. I needed to shift my believes what a loving relationship means aswell. Although coming from a total different background, I was always looking for the “right” person- who can offer me the most. In that there is already the inequality , that I need something, that I don´t have. Besides everything you shared for me the key is to meet the other person in total equality. Honouring their strenghts but not feeling less. And again, it all starts with us first.
Agreed Steffihenn that it starts with us being loving with ourselves and then meeting another person in total equality and not looking for them to fill a need that I haven’t been willing to address in myself first. What Danielle shares is so inspiring and perfectly achievable if I am willing to work on my relationship with myself and give myself the love and tenderness that I have always looked to another to impart in the past.
This is such a precious sharing Danielle, thank you.
If being loving with your partner is in all the day-to-day interactions you describe, such as passing a cup of tea delicately, knowing the preciousness of the person who will receive it, what would it be like to extend this love to everyone? What would it be like to be confirmed in your preciousness by an acquaintance, colleague or friend every time they smiled at you or handed you something? What affect would this commitment have in a love starved world that is living in the cycle of seeking described at the top of this article?
Beautiful question katemaroney1, What would the world look like? Lets get the ball rolling 🙂
Yes Jeanette it all starts with us
Inspiring to read this Danielle and feel how everyone who comes into contact with you gets treated with the same love and care you and your husband share. Feels like in this way, lovemaking is for all.
Our relationships with others are as precious as we ourselves are. Danielle, your blog was beautifully expressed and very inspirational.
Danielle, this is so beautiful to understand my relationship with another is only going to be as loving and tender as I am prepared to be with myself. What a exquisite blog. Thank you.
I agree Gina this is truly so “beautiful to understand my relationship with another is only going to be as loving and tender as I am prepared to be with myself”. What an inspiring revelation.
Danielle thank you for sharing … It made me realise I have a level of trepidation at the thought of entering another relationship based purely on my past relationships. I also realise I am not that person anymore and the loving relationship I have now with myself would be the foundation I bring to the next relationship.
In order to be loving and tender with ourselves, there first needs to be a certain amount of self worth to realise that we are worthy of such tenderness and love from ourselves and from others.
“So if I want to touch my husband in a deeply tender, delicate and precious way, I need to be passing him the pepper or a cup of tea in the same way. Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.” I can feel the deep honouring in what you have expressed here Danielle – honouring of ourselves first and then naturally we will honour everyone else.
If you make a more loving approach to yourself, you will be step by step be leading a life that is more open to let love in and share the love that is within you.
Love is something that we can constantly built on and expand. It is our choice to commit to that.
“As I previously said, this is not perfect, and sometimes it is very challenging. However, when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.”
A very timely reminder Danielle. The way you expressed this feels very loving and allows me to let go of tension from judging myself for not having been as adoring, precious and tender of late. Accepting that there are sometimes periods where it feels more challenging to be loving with myself opens the door to take it deeper too, I feel.
Many beautiful insights how to be love with our selves, our partner and others, i feel blessed to read this , so gentle and lovely – thankyou for sharing this Daniel
What a beautiful insight into living in a loving relationship with another, very inspiring thank you Danielle.
So many truths and practical examples you share here, Danielle for anyone wanting to unfold their innate capacity to truly make love. I love the way you write: ” “If I’m not tender and loving with myself and my thoughts or the way I speak to myself, then there’s no way possible that I can firstly speak and be tender or loving with my partner, let alone touch and hold him preciously and adoringly in the way that he deserves.” That’s beautiful.
I agree coleen24 there are many practical gems here. So often we can blame our partner or others for our problems instead of 1st looking at ourselves and the way we are living.
I agree James – today I recognised that I was disturbed by another and if I had left it out there blaming the other then there would be no healing within me. It is never really about the other person it is always about what has come up for me first to look at and heal. We learn great lessons from others.
That is very true Simone, so often we can blame others for ‘disturbing’ or ‘disrupting’ us but really if we react or get affected by someone else we need to look at what our part is in it and are we invested in or wanting them to be different in any way, if so why are we trying to control them and the situation. Life brings with it soo many lessons for us to learn from, we can either choose to ignore them and get them again, or embrace what we are being shown, learn from it and make different choices.
Love starts with myself, so true. When I am connecting to love and I meet another my joy spills over to that other person – so they have the opportunity to also be and feel love. So simple really.
Delightfully simple …and so infectious!
Yes, simple and infectious it comes down to a choice.
Loved to read your blog this morning Danielle, it inspires me to look deeper to see and feel how I can go deeper with allowing and opening to more love, the love from inside me.
Thank you Danielle for a beautifully inspiring blog, I love that it is what we choose for ourselves first, to be loving tender and precious and then share that with others.
So so true Danielle, every interaction counts, this blog blows the lid on what we thought sex should be and re imprints it with truth of what making love is really about.
The Truth of what making love is all about – Danielle has nailed it in this blog.
Absolutely Samantha – every interaction, and every moment with ourselves can be in the quality of love and tenderness.
Absolutely Samantha – making love all day and every day in this way brings truth and true love to relationships.
Danielle thank you so much for being willing to share your past and how you have committed to something completely different to what was once acceptable to you. Love is the way and when we chose it, it has potential to change everything as you have so beautifully expressed.
Danielle, being tender and loving with oneself before you can be or do anything lovingly with a partner is so powerful and carries such self responsibility when being with another person. This shows love and relationships in a whole new light.
It is beautiful to feel that love making is not confined to the physical act and that it is very possible to feel that deep and intimate connection with our partner throughout our day. And it all comes from choosing to be precious adoring and tender with ourselves first.
Danielle there is a world of difference between having sex and making love and it’s great that the topic is being opened up. If only the topic could be discussed in schools as part of the ‘physical development lesson’ to help balance out the bombardment of sexually orientated messages, imagery, music videos and plain pornography that the kids are exposed to. How do any of us know about love making if all we are exposed to is sex ?
Thank you Danielle and Alexis. What a difference it would make if the young adults of today started to pay attention to, or read articles or blogs about, the difference between making love and having sex.
To have the True Love that you have been working towards must be a wonderful place to be Danielle, and with a Partner who is sharing your journey. Thank you Danielle.
Thanks for sharing Danielle , learning to deepen the love with in myself so I can deepen the love and tenderness within my relationship is definatly the way it has also worked for me . Rather than my old way of looking for more stimulation or excitement outside of me to make me feel more loved, sexed but not really satisfied always needing more to feel something that was never about true love and connection.
Beautiful Danielle how your blog points out the importance to be love with yourself first in order to have this same level of love and care with another.
Thank you Danielle, the exquisite unfolding of your love is palpable – for you, for your husband, and for all you touch.
Danielle, the grace that the two of you emanate, is the most lovely thing to feel. I’m honored to be able to walk in your footsteps.
Thank you Danielle, this is what true relationships are about, very inspiring. It all comes down to the relationship we have with ourselves first.
Such a beautiful blog to return to this morning. It’s taken me a long while to realise that having a self loving, self caring relationship with myself first would make such a huge difference with my relationship with my husband and all those I come into contact with. The amazing thing is, if I constantly choose this way of living with myself, those connections just keep getting better and better. Thank you Danielle.
Gorgeous Danielle. I love the way you talk about how the bedroom can’t be the only place where love making is switched on. There is no reduction of what love making is to a physical act but something that is very tenderly, in a considered way shared with 2 people, it’s about the relationship shared and the relationship built with ourselves first, and that everything, like the link in the chain is connected.
Danielle, this is so true. I can feel so much how we can expect certain things from relationships – like tenderness, love and fulfillment when really, in fact, a relationship can’t give us any of those things. As I’ve discovered, a relationship can confirm each of those things in us, but it cannot create it in the way that will truly ever fulfill our ‘needs’. I’m loving to explore being more tender, loving and delicate with myself and seeing how that plays out and affects all of my relationships – so far, it has only been amazing.
Beautiful Amelia, ‘ I’m loving to explore being more tender, loving and delicate with myself and seeing how that plays out and affects all of my relationships – so far, it has only been amazing.’
The tenderness we can be with ourselves is exquisite and even more so when it is expressed to us from another.
Your following sentences Danielle says it all: “I began to understand that lovemaking needed to start with not only how I am with my partner throughout the day, but also how I am with myself.” More is not needed to say – only perhaps – just find it out for yourself.
Thankyou Danielle. Lovely blog. When I read it i get a sense of what that real love is, its the acceptance that you both are love, and that expressing that with each other in every way is what is important. Thats what we really want, to be ourselves, to be silly and to accept our own expression with another person.
So often there is such a focus on the expression of love in the bedroom. This takes that focus out of there and puts it into every room and the way we are with each other all of the time. This expression of love is so much deeper and all encompassing.
You start making love from the moment you wake up in the morning until the moment you fall asleep at night and even when you are asleep.
Danielle I also love this ‘Naturally the way we are with each other in the bedroom is a follow-on from how we are with each other in the house.’ so simple and so true ✨
Yes, that’s really beautiful to read and feel the truth on that. It is all about a consistent quality of love.
What a wonderful reflection Danielle – the more that we honour and bathe ourselves in the quality of love and tenderness that we know and deserve, the more likely we are to receive this from others. And I love the line ‘I am slowly discovering how to be more caring, gentle, honouring and special with myself: in my thoughts, the way I move, speak and the words that I use. In turn, people naturally begin to be this way with me also.’
Danielle, this is a beautiful blog! When I read “if I’m not tender and loving with myself and my thoughts or the way I speak to myself, then there’s no way possible that I can firstly speak and be tender or loving with my partner, let alone touch and hold him preciously and adoringly in the way that he deserves” I felt very touched by your decision to use the word ‘deserves.’ In truth, it is a celebration of what any one deserves and of acting accordingly.
Danielle this was just divine to read – I loved what you shared that to be able to touch your husband in a deeply tender, delicate and precious way, you need to be passing him the pepper or a cup of tea in the same way… which comes from you being tender, delicate and precious with yourself first. This is just so gorgeous and such a beautiful revelation about what lovemaking truly is.
Brilliant blog Danielle, you have inspired me deeply. The way you connect with your husband is so beautiful, I know it is something I have to redevelop in my relationship. First, I must learn to appreciate myself in the precious, tender, delicate and loving way. You have inspired me to pay attention to the details and to be tender and loving in everything I do.
“The bedroom cannot be the only place where love is switched on, and off” – what a point! Yes, what will happen in the bed can be just a reflection therefore what occurred all day long. …movies and other fictions show us the “excitement” to make sex all over the house, thereby it is in truth about to make LOVE all over the world (as in the house). The way we are with us and each other is the way we can celebrate with our partner.
Beautifully said Sandra for why wait to express our love for our partners only in the bedroom for in every conversation, every time you see each other you can express that love and both grow and confirm that precious ever deepening intimacy between both of you all the more.
Beautiful sharing Danielle, I love your honesty and how you have been able to being it back yourself and connect back to your own tenderness.
Making love is a 24/7 thing. A touch here, a comment there, the way we interact. Its something I was only vaguely aware when I was younger but having had it pointed out its quite obvious when there is that way of being in my relationship, and correspondingly how empty or dead it feels when the chain is broken.
I love your comment Simon, ‘making love is 24/7 thing’ is something I didn’t consider previously until recently. It makes so much sense but it was difficult to live it everyday. It was something I have been shown or experienced so this seems to be new yet it’s not because it feels like I knew it already, it sounds familiar. I am practicing to live in a loving way every moment of every day.
Thank younDaniella for sharing your story of growing tenderness in your life and relationships. ‘I am slowly discovering how to be more caring, gentle, honouring and special with myself: in my thoughts, the way I move, speak and the words that I use. In turn, people naturally begin to be this way with me also’. this line really highlights the personal responsibility that we hold for all of the relationships in our life. How we treat ourselves has a direct effect on how others will treat us. So it all starts with ourselves and ripples out into all aspects of our life
“Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.” Danielle this is so beautyfully expressed.
Beautiful sharing Danielle, the key point is that we deserve to love ourselves and care for ourselves deeply and as this unfolds we can share this with another. The equilibrium is completely changed when we commit to this way of living – so awesome to feel it with my own beautiful wife.
Danielle, you nailed it! (no pun intended)
This blog is extraordinary and reveals so much. I love your honesty here. I like that you are explaining how even though you and your partners enjoyed your sex, had financial and work success, it wasn’t enough… there was still ‘something’ missing and that ‘something’ was love. Making love. Meaning to be love with yourself, be love with your husband through the whole day so when the physical intimacy occurs it is more a celebration of the love you are day in and day out instead of just a stimulation, high point or relief from the life your living together.
Very beautiful.
A very beautiful blog Danielle, I too am learning that it is challenging when I am for some reason not living as tenderly and as loving and gentle with myself as I have begun to. It certainly is a great learning and responsibility when faced with the hard stuff, to first bring everything back to ourselves and begin to live again our tenderness supporting ourselves to the nth degree as we walk through the challenge before is.
Very beautiful, honest, real and super practical sharing. I love the open honesty you share that past lack of preciousness with self or others in relationship is something you have had to accept and let go of with no shame. I love also how your sharing makes it so accessible that the quality, warmth and tender care we live with ourselves, others and our partner is the foundation – making love is an every moment commitment. Gorgeous.
I can but agree Kate, ‘making love is an every moment commitment’, not only a commitment to others but as Danielle says ‘lovemaking needed to start with. . . how I am with myself’. The deeper the commitment we have to ourselves, the deeper is the commitment we can have with another.
I agree Anne, very well said. I love this awesome reminder.
Love is love. Your blog shows that indeed we can’t just switch love on and off, and that it starts with a commitment to loving and being loving with yourself first.
Thankyou Daniel for your open sharing on what can be a touchy subject .Making love 24/7 what a life to live with our self , partner and everyone else.
Yes we can’t be loving, and gentle, precioius with others unless first we are that with ourselves.
Love it Danielle, so beautifully expressed and the example with the pepper and the tea is spot on and the detail we often forget about love making.
Its funny – why is that having tea together is (or can be) so intimate? Its a surprising question I had when I read this comment. But then the whole blog is encouraging me to see the intimacy possible in every moment.
Thank you for intimately sharing Danielle, it feels a challenge for myself to take that gentle, tender care of myself, because when I do, I often feel the hurt of a lifetime of not caring for myself. I loved what you said about it’s even the un-loving or negative thoughts we have about ourselves, that then when we relate to others are reflected in our hardness towards them.
In particular I liked this part: “The lovely feeling behind all of this is that the way that we touch and hold each other carries no need whatsoever: no need to get anything from the other, and no need to give anything to them because ‘it’ is already all there before we begin. We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other.”
It felt such a spacious honouring way that we can relate to one another.
This is just beautiful Danielle. Thank you for your tender words.
Danielle, I found your blog quite profound as I could feel tenderness well up in me as I kept reading. I am especially drawn to your comments around the quality of our own self love setting a foundation for the quality of love we have with all others.
I love how you have pointed out that it has to start with being precious and delicate with yourself first. Thanks for such an open sharing, Danielle.
This is such an open and honest sharing about an area of life, sex and how we can use sex as a way to have needs met but often find they don’t get met or the ‘fulfillment’ is short lived… then there is love making which is about relationship with ourselves and our partners, the interaction, the sharing and in the quality of tenderness and lovingness… which is an ongoing development but well worth it….
This is really beautiful.
A great reminder that building a loving relationship with ourselves and others is in the small things of how we live our day.
Danielle, I love the rawness and self-responsibility that you share in your blog. It makes so much sense that if we are not tender, loving, accepting etc. of ourselves we can not possibly be this with another.
“when it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve” – Danielle this is a pearl – thanks for sharing it and the whole blog! This is a great reminder for me too to keep working on this and to not give up – despite how at times it might appear to be difficult to be more tender and caring and loving with myself, though really it is our natural way of being.
I loved reading your blog, Danielle, it is beautiful, clear and brilliant. I love the analogy of the chain, and that it ALL starts with how we are with ourselves. When there’s love, there’s no need and we are all left to just be. And share who we truly are. Love in freedom.
Danielle, this is a beautiful reminder that tenderness begins with ourselves and the way we interact with others is simply an extension of this expression. It also eliminates the need for the other to ‘fill a void’ in us or provide relief from our unloving ways. If we make it about love, there is nothing to do but express from this point – a celebration indeed. Thank you.
I loved this delightful and honest account Danielle of your unfolding awareness about love-making – I really enjoyed reading your many words of wisdom from your own expanding experience. I especially noticed your words “developing a delicate, special and loving way to be with each other and with everyone that we meet -in every interaction, the way we speak, cook together, ask something from the other and move about the house in a more gentle and caring way” – these are words that I feel to reflect more deeply upon myself – thank you.
Thanks Danielle, Learning to love and honour oneself is the only way we can then bring that same quality of love and honouring to another.. Seems so simple, and seems so true, yet how is it that the concept had never occurred to me before in all my past relationships.
Such a beautiful, honest and open sharing Danielle, and your tenderness with yourself, your husband and with all others can be clearly felt in reading this blog.
Beautiful sharing Danielle, it makes so much sense. If I am more love within me, I express more love with everything I do.
“I began to understand that lovemaking needed to start with not only how I am with my partner throughout the day, but also how I am with myself.” Love it Danielle – this is so true.
Wunderbare tender and loving Danielle I could feel every word you wrote and that is so empowering. This “little” difference between making love and sex that you describe in your blog opens up the possibility for every women to get in touch with their own sacredness and love. Thank you for reminding me that it all starts with the way I am with myself to then share all the love I am with my partner and the world.
What a great blog! It really highlights how we are very effectively sold an idea that love is something another does for us, that we need from another and vice versa – yet your quote, “We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with each other,” is a completely different way to approach relationships.
Absolutely, it really brings us back to ourselves and our responsibility in relationships. There is no room for blaming, only for deepening love. So beautiful!
Danielle this open and honest account of how it is to truly make love should be what we read in the magazines and what we watch at the movies. In fact, this script should be the one that the movie producers are clambering for…. a box office hit 🙂
“Naturally the way we are with each other in the bedroom is a follow-on from how we are with each other in the house. The bedroom cannot be the only place where love is switched on, and off.”
I am learning that the ‘making of love’ starts with me and is then expressed outwards into all that I do and reflects in how I am in all relationships.
I never thought I could learn so much about love making from the description of passing the pepper or a cup of tea! But it is so true. Love making begins long before we are anywhere near the bedroom. When we are in the bedroom we bring with us all that we have shared before hand and so the quality is established long before. I love it that you share that love making is also in how we are with ourselves not just our partners. That is something I have not considered before nor are there many who have shown us this way.
Brilliant! Your comment made me laugh! “I never thought I could learn so much about love making from the description of passing the pepper or a cup of tea!” Love it. Love how the responsibility lies solely in our own hands (when passing the pepper or a cup of tea..).
This has to be one of the best pieces of writing about sex and love making I have ever read. It has left me to ponder ways to be more tender and loving with myself and therefore my partner. Thanks Danielle for bringing clarity to a topic (sex) that is often bamboozled by various media mediums and leaves many real life interactions and relationships deprived of understanding that the best sex and love making starts with loving ourselves.
Danielle, this is awesome. I can feel in your writing how these blame and guilt feelings are like a prison and how freeing it is to look at it like it was and take responsibility for it, in fact how uplifting it is to take responsibility in living a life focussed on love and loving choices.
This is a beautiful article Danielle, you explain the processes in the “chain” so clearly. It makes perfect sense and is a level of responsibility I am only just starting to understand.
Beautiful Danielle, I love what you have shared here in terms of how practical and natural it is to be love with ourselves first and to extend that love with all those we meet within our day. True lovemaking at its finest.
“Inspired to look deeper” Making love versus sex. Yes I am inspired to look deeper Danielle your honesty serves as a gentle reminder and how in my long term relationship with my husband it is very challenging at times but gently as I make more tender loving choices with me the reflection back from my husband is amazing – and all those around me.
Beautiful sharing Danielle – thank you.
‘A chain is as strong as it’s least loving link’ That is so true and it puts me on notice of all my relationships and how I deal with the most challenging of those. I can see how my sensitivity and supposed protection of myself can get in the way here. Building love and being love in everything we do allows for that flow (of love) – uninterruptedly so- Thank you Danielle for this great reminder.
Thanks Danielle. What really speaks to me here is how it all begins with how loving we can be with ourselves. It is like a chain: loving ourselves, be loving throughout the day with another, and then lovemaking physically is an extension/expression of what was expressed throughout the day.
A chain is only as strong as its least loving link.
Absolutely Danielle and Mark, I can see a chain enveloping all that we do it is an amazing analogy, so true and power-fully expressed.
Yes Mark – the every link is important and not one more than another….
Awesome Danielle, Such honesty in your sharing, and also reminding that making love is so to speak, the ‘icing on the cake’, a celebration of how two people have been living together. The passing of the pepper or a cup of tea example, as having the same quality of love in this interaction is a beautiful reminder that indeed any activity is all about making love.
Thanks Danielle, this is a great love story! I like that it is not ‘bliss’ but a way to remain connected to self, then another. “to be precious, adoring or tender with myself” is challenging for me too; you provide ‘keys’ to love.
Gorgeous Danielle. I love the chain analogy, where by the first link must be before the others can be. I get caught up here and TRY to be gentle and tender with my partner and others in my life. It only feels forced because I am not giving this to myself first. I also love how you and your husband are not governed by need. This feels like such a full and glorious place to be.
Yes I love this chain analogy also.. We are always the first link.
I love the honesty of your expression Danielle, to truly make love with another we must begin by being tender and loving with ourselves. So much to feel and explore here.
This is such an important topic for us to start talking about and being open to seeing in a different light. For as long as I can remember women have been bemoaning the fact that their partners are not connecting with them, being gentle and tender with them and then expecting the woman to switch on wanting to have sex. However your article addresses the responsibility that we all have for our relationship and the way we are in our day with each other. If there is not connection and tenderness, we can look at our part in this. Love making can’t be something we switch on in the bedroom to fulfil a need or create relief but will be a natural outcome from that love expressed through out the day.
I love how making love is a continuous thing, in everything you do together.
This is a deeply honest sharing, thank you. I’ve heard medical science refer to sex as a stress release, so not surprising that for much of my life sex was about blowing off steam albeit I’ve always enjoyed being intimate and tender in the moment it was only these moments that I allowed this in my life.
Surprise, surprise – now living in a way that is intimate and tender with myself in every aspect of my life, every day, no longer builds up a ‘head of steam’.
Making love has become an act of sharing a confirmation of the way I live.
This is awesome Danielle, I love how you spoke on the chain reaction. And that through passing the pepper can be equally as delicate and loving. When we think there is an on or off switch, it feels like there’s always something missing. What’s missing is the consistency of love throughout your whole day, the way you speak to each other, in the simplest ways. Like a smile or a hug. It goes a long way and sometimes I take this for granted and forget it’s importance. Thank you for the reminder.
I love the analogy here of the chain of love starting with love for self first and if any part is missing it affects the whole chain of making love. To make love with another you have to love yourself first. Brings a deeper understanding to this very relevant topic.
So true Danielle. This really blows out of the water any need for another to change or get it, when it comes to being gentle and loving with us, before we are loving with ourselves or them! Great reminder that it all starts with us and how we feel about ourselves, if we hold ourselves as precious and know we deserve nothing less from ourselves and others. That’s where the saying ‘make up sex’, is just that… ‘sex’, lovemaking would not be fuelled by an argument.
There is so much presented here that is worth pondering on. True love cannot be turned on or off, and there in lies the difference between love making and having sex. True love making is an extension of what is lived and sex is an action independent in its own right.
This was so amazing to read, as I have reflected on my past and been quite critical of the very unloving choices I have made with men in my life and sex versus making love. Your blog has reminded me that it is no love in being critical of those choices. But to feel deeply the relationship i now have and honour that, knowing it radiates out to all my relationships, both partner, family and friends.
A powerful blog ,with tenderness and self love, at the core expanding outward from the self to all others .
Beautiful to come across this article today. Yesterday I had such a gorgeous tender day with myself and then I went out last night and kind of felt I lost it. And this morning I got into work rather quickly, although conscious to be more gentle and loving with myself. This is telling me to stop and reclaim that tenderness and deep love for myself. Thank you.
Great reminder for me to read this today Danielle, thank you.
This is a truly beautiful sharing Danielle thank you.It is inspirational for everyone and so reflective and what is needed in a world with so much about sex and the abuse from it.
How lovely to show the real way and what we as a society are missing – being loving with ourselves first, for how else can we be loving and make love with another without this?
Beautiful Danielle, ‘I am slowly discovering how to be more caring, gentle, honouring and special with myself: in my thoughts, the way I move, speak and the words that I use. In turn, people naturally begin to be this way with me also.’ I too have noticed this , that how I am with myself is then how others are with me and that the more gentle and loving I am with me that this is how I am then treated by others.
Danielle. You openness and honesty is heart warming, to express your feelings about sex or having a loving relationship. A loving relationship wins every time.
Hear,hear Mike.
Thank you Danielle for your honest and familiar sharing. I love how you say about passing the pepper with tenderness and delicateness, a real scenario that has inspired me to look at this more closely. Again, thank you.
I agree Beverley, The simple things such as these examples are a great way to stay on track with presence and are a great way to keep things playful also.
“When it’s challenging I know deep down it’s only challenging because, for various reasons, I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.” This is such a great point Danielle for if we are not loving with ourselves first how can we truthfully express love and be loving to another?
Thank you Danielle for expressing so beautifully how if we are not loving towards ourselves in the way we treat our bodies and the thoughts and impulses we have there is no way that we can be truly loving with another person. For me this is a constant work in progress but I can feel how expansive it is when I allow it.
I love what you have written and as you say yet another pure gem from Serge Benhayon about the difference between making love and sex and that making love is not just in the physical sense but in everything we do. As you have shared “So if I want to touch my husband in a deeply tender, delicate and precious way, I need to be passing him the pepper or a cup of tea in the same way. Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.” Beautiful.
I love how you openly and honestly share how your relationships were and how it is now. It’s so personal and practical. And it’s true, we all want and deserve love but first we find it within ourselves, and from there, we build. I love the chain analogy, if the first link is broken, no way can the others follow, it makes perfect sense. Thank you Danielle.
Gill that does make perfect sense indeed – yet the opposite of what I thought growing up. Looking at it like a chain is also great as without the first part the chain most certainly falls apart.
“The bedroom cannot be the only place where love can switched on and off”. If I had read this in my early twenties that would have got me thinking. I measure that I have come a long way since the days where I was desperate for passionate and romantic sex and love… Now it feels that every thing we do delicately, tenderly and in conscious presence is making love. When my husband and I are in the house together going about what we do every day we touch and hug and are silly and it feels so loving and caring. Thank you Danielle for an open and honest blog.
“The bedroom cannot be the only place where love is switched on, and off.” I love that and it is true. If this is the case, what is switched on in the bedroom most probably isn’t love but more like the need for relief or touch. We all have needs as human beings, and being with people is one of them. Sadly though, and I include myself in this, we seek the love of others before loving ourselves. I’m learning that if we are loving ourselves, there’s no on/off switch because it becomes who we are.
Danielle, what you say about the bedroom not being the only place where love
can be switched on and off is so true. The prevailing notion, when I was young,
seemed to be that sex was an olympic sport and far removed from love-making.
At least as far as magazines and the media were concerned.
That seems almost laughable now looking back.
Shared delicate and tender moments during the day, like you say
while passing the teacup or pepper, seem to have a cumulative effect
and make for a hugely satisfying relationship.
I would also like to add that in my view, the importance of hugs cannot be overstated.
“The lovely feeling behind all of this is that the way that we touch and hold each other carries no need whatsoever”.
This is so important, as you say everything is already there it is only to be shared, not something that is needed. That is the difference and would help many a relationship if we all knew this to be true.
Thank you Danielle, what you say makes so much sense and is inspiring.
Thank you Danielle, so well and simply put together, lovely to read!
Well said Amina, it starts with how we are with us. A very needed topic so openly addressed.
Thank you Danielle, this beautiful blog is written with such honesty – tenderness for self first and the neediness begins to drop away –
“I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.” to ” The lovely feeling behind all of this is that the way that we touch and hold each other carries no need whatsoever: no need to get anything from the other, and no need to give anything to them because ‘it’ is already all there before we begin. We are each choosing it for ourselves first, and then sharing and celebrating it with the other.”
I love the awareness and reflection you bring Danielle. It is a joy to have seen you transform over the past few years from a ‘tom-boy-type of girl’ into a very beautiful, tender and sexy woman filled with grace for all to enjoy.
with much love and appreciation for the inspiration you bring.
Beautifully expressed, thank you for sharing. Practicing awareness throughout each day how I am with myself and then with others – I also find myself sometimes repeating old patterns. And yet instead of making myself wrong, I remind myself gently what I was practicing. And yes it reflects all around me too 🙂
So so true. I have noticed recently how my thoughts have changed because I am appreciating myself more. And in turn my thoughts, judgements and harshness to others changed immediately too. As soon as you change the beginning link to a more loving way, all the links become more loving. 💘
Thank you Danielle for sharing how it all starts with how we are with ourselves and from there builds on how we are with others. How we move, touch and think about ourselves makes the difference between feeling empty/needing something of the other in relation with another person or feeling full of love. Like you beautifully describe there can be no love making if we need love from the other, there is only having sex then. Thank you for you openness about this topic.
Danielle, thank you for sharing such a honest blog with us all. There are so many parts in it that my body says “aha” and “oh yeah”… and then I question… why is this not common knowledge?.. why is this not spoken about and shared so more of us are aware? It is simple once we are aware.
It is so simple when you describe how to make love like this Danielle, like you I have been conscious of this for a long time, I am still holding back in all areas of my life so this makes sense reading this why that would be in the bedroom also. So I relate to “I am finding it challenging to be precious, adoring or tender with myself first, in the way that I truly deserve.” but also appreciating how much I have moved from those early days of sex without love, and the emotional love/sex to living honestly with my husband however that may be.
Thank you Danielle, so tender, so delicate and so true. I especially love what you share about how making love is not something that can be turned on and off, if we want to make love in the bedroom then it is an extension of how we are with ourselves and our partners in all we do. The love and tenderness we both naturally deserve. I love the way you describe it below, this is so true and I have found this myself, the more loving, caring and tender I am with myself the more loving and preciously I treat, touch and speak with everyone else.
“Naturally the way we are with each other in the bedroom is a follow-on from how we are with each other in the house. The bedroom cannot be the only place where love is switched on, and off. So if I want to touch my husband in a deeply tender, delicate and precious way, I need to be passing him the pepper or a cup of tea in the same way. Further, if I truly want to be able to pass him the pepper or cup of tea in a tender and delicate way, I must be this way with myself first, in the way that I move and hold myself – even the thoughts I have about myself.”
It’s like a chain, in that if the first link is broken there’s no way the other two can follow (i.e. if I’m not tender and loving with myself and my thoughts or the way I speak to myself, then there’s no way possible that I can firstly speak and be tender or loving with my partner, let alone touch and hold him preciously and adoringly in the way that he deserves).
Beautiful and true and deeply felt Danielle.
So true what you are saying Danielle, and I appreciate the simplicity in what you are sharing. Thank you also for the tender reminder that it all starts with-in ourselves. When I struggle to be tender with myself or ‘forget’ how to be tender with myself, I use this to help me come back to tenderness: I imagine myself as a little girl, and this exquisite little girl is there following me wherever I go. It is my responsibility to ensure she is well and cared for. Then as I ‘warm up’ to caring for myself again, from this follows a natural playfullness that I embrace with children, and I bring that to myself (the little girl and the woman that I am). The tenderness then follows naturally once the true care and playfullness are in place. Hence with these little increments I come back to that tenderness that was already within me just waiting to be let out. And then it becomes impossible not to share this exquisite way of being with those around me, especially with my beauty-full husband.
I can really feel your preciousness here Henrietta and thank you for the tender tips 😉
A gorgeous road home with the face of the little girl inside to melt any hardness away.
Thank you.
That was so beautifully expressed – thank you for that… “perfect timing” for me as well. 😉
So lovely Danielle, thank you for your honest and tender expression.
Pepper-y Love 😉 – Awesome! Thank you Danielle for sharing so tenderly.
Thanks Danielle, I love the part where you talk about the chain and breaking the link and how it starts first with us. I can feel how it really is about making love all day rather than just in the bedroom…
Beautifully written, honest and truthful. How relationships will change if we all give living like this a go.
Hi Danielle, thank you for such a wonder-full post. I loved how you said the line “It’s like a chain, in that if the first link is broken there’s no way the other two can follow (i.e. if I’m not tender and loving with myself and my thoughts or the way I speak to myself, then there’s no way possible that I can firstly speak and be tender or loving with my partner, let alone touch and hold him preciously and adoringly in the way that he deserves)”. I can truly relate to this statement, and I know that there are times when I haven’t been loving to myself and then choose to bring myself back to the love that I am by being precious, gentle and loving, before I can be truly loving to my husband. Thank you for reminding me of how to be with myself with such simple but power-full words.
Thank you Danielle, for sharing this beauty-full story. For me it was very revealing that even your thoughts have to be that loving, tender and caring. I find myself sometimes trying to be gentle and loving with myself but still think in negative way about myself. Wow!
I like this Lieke… tracking it back to the moments before the action, and taking responsibility for how we are thinking about ourselves must feed into the rest of our lives.
It’s lovely Danielle – I too can ‘relate’ to this as I have also gone deep within to be more ‘self love’ and ‘gentle’ and thus my gorgeous partner can share/partake of that so easily. After knowing the difference in how we can love our own inner beings more, it’s so easy to love the partner… as they are a ‘pure reflection’ of our inner heart and its true beauty!
It’s all about ‘making love’ with our eyes, our touch, our words, and actions… which naturally then transfers to the actual intimate act and becomes heightened in Joy…
Thank you for sharing. CJ.
Absolutely beautiful Danielle. I love the precision with which you write and I can feel the lovely tenderness in the way you are not being hard on yourself about a past that we have all been in (not together!), but simply observing and moving into an ever-deepening way of true love. Thank you, dear Danielle.
Danielle, this article is amazing and so true. It is about how we are with ourselves and others in every moment. A further inspiration for the unfolding in my own relationship. Thank you again.
Awesome Danielle, I can truly feel all you convey with your words – you are a love magician.
Thank you Danielle – so simple and true.
So needed to read this, thank you Danielle. We can never be loved by anyone more than we love ourselves. So more self loving for me… then one day when I pass the pepper, my own love will be there to meet me and more. 🙂