by Denise Cavanough, aged 56, Brisbane
Over the years that I have been seeing Serge Benhayon and attending Universal Medicine presentations and talks, I can say that nothing he has said has made me feel uncomfortable, squirm in my seat or want to run away. Not until recently have I felt like I was confronted, stopped in my tracks, cut to the bone; felt like I wanted to throw a tantrum and run away kicking and screaming like a child (I think you will be getting the picture).
This all came about when my daughter Shannon sent me a text in reply to mine, saying that it was ok to stay the night, but to have organised it before, not just as an afterthought, and not without consideration for her plans. This called a stop to a behavior that I had been doing and, I now recognise, that my mother had also done to me.
I can now feel how I had (as a mother) this thread of a feeling that my now adult children owed me. That because I had more life experience I knew better, and I could fix things for them my way, instead of letting them come to things in their own time, or waiting to be asked. I felt how in some ways I had taken our relationship for granted, thinking just because they are my children, I had the right to tell them what I thought they should do. I thought this was loving, but now I felt how controlling it could be. I remembered how I had felt when my mum gave me unwarranted advice, and would not leave me to come to things in my own way.
This triggered a chain of events in me that was far bigger than I could have ever realised.
How had I allowed this to go on between mum and me and never put a stop to it?
I felt so angry. I had no idea what I was feeling at the time, but I knew it was HUGE. I had not felt anything like this before, only that I wanted to run away.
My body was screaming and I could feel that I didn’t want to face it. But there was no way I was running away from whatever it was. So I stopped.
From that short text, I had got to feel how I had never truly honoured and loved myself. By my daughter Shannon, also a mother, showing me the love she held for herself, I got to feel how I had never chosen true self-love for me. How I had always put my children first – I would do anything for them, in total disregard for me, never considering how it felt for me. No wonder I was kicking and screaming so much, it was H U GE.
I had spent a lifetime mastering this, thinking that this was what mothering was about. I loved being a mother, but I was mothering at the expense of me, and could see how mum had done the same all her life.
By Shannon saying truthfully what she felt, she reflected to me all the choices I had made that were not loving for me. It hurt me deeply to see what I had been choosing for myself. Since then I have had a great unfolding, allowing me to discover more of myself.
I have been seeing the same patterns running through my relationship with my mum, habits that I had taken on that mum had done. I’m seeing a stop to these patterns, a break in generations of this behavior. The buck stops here. By calling it out for what it is, it has stopped – it has run its course with me.
It is amazing to have felt all the changes I have made since that day. I had never allowed myself to stop and feel how the choices I was making were affecting my life, my children’s and grandchildren’s. They are now seeing the way I am making different choices, and becoming more loving to myself and others.
By holding on to mothering in that way, I was not allowing myself to claim time to nurture me, the lovely me, the beauty-full me, the gentle me, to treat myself tenderly, to speak to myself in a loving way, to adore me and cherish the amazing woman I have become.
I feel that through having attended presentations by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I am seeing things in my life through different eyes. By taking responsibility for my choices, this has changed my life. I wanted to get to truth, no matter what. I can no longer blame anything that comes into my life on others – it has been my choice.
Self-love can only be where there is truth.
That’s my miracle for today.