by Amina Tumi, Age 31, Hair Salon Owner, London
Is it possible that we struggle to let Love in and in fact reject it?
This sounds crazy I know as all we want is to feel loved, (I know that is all I have ever wanted). Is it possible that part of us have been hurt so much in past experiences that we resist letting this happen again?
I have lived a life doing just that, not letting love in and I started to realise this recently, which made me ask the question “well, where has this gotten me?”.
I have isolated myself from people, telling myself that it is easier this way and when a person (friend, partner, family member, work colleague) hurts me, I would just cut them out of my life without a second thought, telling myself that it is great that I can walk away. However, the hurt does not go away and then I walk around with it along with the guilt of the way in which I had treated them.
I got to the point where I did not speak to any family members, did not have any friends and just had a partner where the same ongoing dramas would happen between us. If there was ever an argument or disagreement between us I would often purposely hurt him to make myself feel better, but I never actually felt better by doing this.
I was struggling with life and the people in it. I had ongoing issues with staff and family and felt that life was just too hard. There were good times but they never lasted and then there were the forced excited times that just felt fake and looking back they absolutely were, but at the time they gave an artificial lift and something to focus my energy on.
But with all of this going on I could feel that there must be more to life than this. Looking back now I can see clearly that I overrode so many opportunities of being the true joyful loving me I know I truly am. In the past I did not feel good about myself and would use my looks to get attention from boys/men so that I could feel better, but this never lasted and so I had to try harder and harder to keep this up. I spent a lot of time making myself look beautiful and sexy so that I would be looked at and this meant I would get my fix and then when I needed another fix I always knew exactly what to do, this became like a drug to me and one that I would use often.
I had moments of feeling naturally beautiful not about the outside but just when I let myself be, but I would then let the ideals of what society refers to as beautiful override what I knew was true, which is that true beauty comes from within. Most of what I was seeing around me was showing me you need to look beautiful on the outside in order to be beautiful on the inside. These messages from society are without a shadow of a doubt so far from the truth. Even though I could feel this, I scarily, even strongly considered getting a nose job and a boob job. Thankfully I did not have money at the time for this and was scared about the pain that this would entail. But what this does expose is how far away from my own Self-Love I had walked away from.
Now looking back I can see that had I been loving towards myself, many of my relationships with family / friends / partners / colleagues would have been very different, so different in fact that I may have saved myself and others some huge hurts that I am now working through.
What if feeling loved was as simple as just being the Love that we are and expressing from that place – wouldn’t we then be able to recognise when Love was coming our way based on our own understanding of what Love truly is?