by Bianca Barban, Melbourne, Australia
I have been reflecting on the amazing experience I had during a Universal Medicine Sacred Esoteric Healing Level 3 course, and the clarity that came during it.
I love people! I love being with them. I love being open with everyone and feeling the harmony between us. I love expressing from the depth of my love, the exquisite expansive feeling this brings to my body. I love feeling the ‘sameness’ between two people when all the other stuff that normally separates us falls away and we allow ourselves to talk openly and without fear. It brings tears of joy to my eyes and an absolute stillness to my body.
Most of my life I have lived closed, keeping people out or being selective about who I would let in and how much I would let them in. I was always nice to everyone though… but there is a falseness in niceness and I used it as a protection to keep people out.
The people I did allow to get to know me, did not ever know all of me. I always reserved a piece of my heart just in case their behavior hurt me or they didn’t live up to the expectations of how I wanted love to be. I sought comfort in the fact that I was in control of the relationship and therefore could not be hurt.
This pattern of protection played out with everyone – my husband, children, family, friends and colleagues – all to varying degrees. I allowed the fear of rejection to dictate my life, and this meant that the fullness of love that is naturally within me was disconnected and was only felt in varying degrees. When I felt ready to open up and not hold back what I felt to say, but just express the real me without internal censorship or perfection, it was difficult because I had been holding in what I felt for so long. I knew I wanted to express but the fear of not getting it right and being judged was paralyzing me. It was like I had scrunched up a part of me so tightly but I expected it to automatically bounce back and be full again. I did not account for the creases that would be there and that it would take time for this part to be smooth again.
I projected the fear of being hurt and collected my life experiences of hurt for proof, and burdened those experiences on every interaction I had. I allowed myself to believe that rejection and hurt are part of true love and this kept me isolated from the connection that is naturally between all people.
When this clarity came it felt like breaking the chains that I had placed around my heart. I felt the hardness that this suppression had caused, my body slacken, and I felt the hugeness of true love. I felt a confidence in my body and a surety that I could say things I felt and this would be ok. There was a trust there, a trust in me, and I understood if I kept choosing to focus on this instead of all the hurt, this trust would grow and expression would be easier.
I felt to express the love I was feeling with everyone. So I did. This did not mean I ran out and brought everyone flowers or gushed when I spoke to them. It meant that when I offered my eyes, I stayed open, I did not hide behind niceness, didn’t speak out of necessity and allowed myself to express how I felt. I did not hold in my love. I allowed me to just be me and the other person to be them. It felt so natural that I allowed all fear to disappear.
I began to release the pattern of protection and surrendered to the sameness that exists between people. I realised that on some level most people fear being hurt and that when I am with someone if I let go of my fear of being hurt, perhaps the other person would too. I felt the absolute freedom letting go of protection brought to me and I now feel committed to allowing the full expression of true love. I will no longer focus on the behaviors that hurt; which only hurt because I am choosing not to live from the love that is me – the love that exists naturally inside everyone.
Let me be clear, this process has been an unfoldment, a deepening over a few years. It is not a spiritual journey or something that can happen overnight. It only occurred because I had a willingness to look at the hurts that I have collected and stored in my body over this life. I have a commitment to true healing which I have experienced through the presentations of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, and by attending esoteric healing modalities. This has supported me to unfold a commitment to living simply and expressing the fullness of love, without perfection, with everyone.
Now with the awareness that my greatest hurt was created by giving up on expressing the absolute love within me, and that stifling this expression has kept me separate from people and deeply longing, I step out into the world and embrace the one true love we all are and allow the expression of love to flow through me.