Depression, Bi-Polar & the Medicinal Qualities of Love & Choice

For many years I have been diagnosed with depression: at one point in my thirties when my behaviours were even more erratic than usual, I was diagnosed with bi-polar. As a human being needing to operate in the world, I have sought medical advice from doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors. I have searched into the spiritual world for ways to help my personal angst and I have sought support from friends and family. Earlier in the year, I finally was able to admit to myself that although I have moments where things appear okay, the real truth of it was, at the very best each day was a painful upheaval and struggle, and at the very worst, there was little will to carry on.

A few months ago, I hit rock bottom. All my symptoms escalated, I was not coping and had no will to deal with my day. Life was impossible and I just wanted to check out; it was too painful, too hard. I was shouting a lot, in overwhelm, crying and just wanted to end it all. These symptoms were what had led to my diagnosis of bi-polar a few years previously. I saw my GP regularly at this time, who was very caring and supportive because I was scared. I also saw some practitioners from Universal Medicine (UniMed). All suggested I get on some anti-depressants to support me and give me some space to explore possible causes for these symptoms, which had arisen all my adult life.

I am not a stranger to anti-depressants. I had been on them for many years previously and after the birth of my second child I was on an extremely high dose. So, I went on a moderate dose of the brand I had used before. I was immediately nauseous and couldn’t get to sleep at night; in fact I was unable to get any sleep. Plus I would feel dizzy and disorientated. So I kept returning to my GP who worked with me trying to find a pill that worked. We tried taking, every second day, half a pill of the lowest dose of an anti-depressant that was mild on side-effects. But still I would immediately get all the side-effects I previously described.

So, frightened and still at rock bottom, with medication that seemed to intensify my symptoms (one of the side effects of one pill listed said that suicidal thoughts could occur in the first two weeks), I turned to my Universal Medicine practitioners, who helped me try a different approach. It’s not easy to admit in one’s life that at best it’s bloody awful. But in a loving and caring approach, because they could feel I was ready to hear some hard stuff, they socked it to me… they pointed out that I had turned up for my session and presented my symptoms to them with little will to get on top of them; I hadn’t actually said – “Okay, how do I fix this?”. They pointed out that I was stuck in the story of how my life was extremely tough, blaming events and people – and I wanted to stay there. I was a little affronted at first, to say the least. In fact, to be truthful, I wanted to walk out. But I had nothing to lose because I couldn’t find relief with the anti-depressants. So I continued to listen.

Next, they asked me to contemplate if it could be possible that exhaustion was playing a part in my depression and, more so, was I maybe making choices in my life to create the drama, thereby providing myself with the exhaustion and chaos – which in turn gave me the excuse to go into overwhelm and give up?

I understand, from twenty-five plus years of suffering depression symptoms, along with other family members suffering the same, that there is a lot of research on depression, in particular on the fact that it can be the result of chemical imbalances, which the anti-depressants assist with. I have done a lot of research myself on depression and how people who suffer it lead debilitating lives, with depression being brought on by an onslaught of abuse or tragic incidences (war, hijacking, terrorism, etc).

But this was my personal experience of depression and, as I had not suffered any of these events, I became open to looking at the possibility being presented to me that maybe I was setting up choices in my life to lead to events that would bring on the symptoms. I had to admit that when I fell into a depression cycle, which went deeper and deeper into that black hole as it is often described, it almost felt like a drug, a relief to finally give in, give up and lay in bed. I’ve never taken heroin but it was almost like taking a ‘hit’ of something which I knew wasn’t good for me but boy, did it feel great.

I can tell you, it was pretty painful to even contemplate for one second the possibility that I could be responsible for creating all the pain I’d been through, and had put my family through. But with patience and genuine true love and care, my GP and UniMed practitioners, with zero judgement, held my hand and allowed me the time and space to consider these possibilities more deeply.

About eight years ago, when I was experiencing these extreme symptoms, I was similarly scared and visited a counsellor, psychologist and psychiatrist. Each independently concluded I presented with bi-polar. I immediately became even more scared. In the sessions with them whilst I was pouring out my heart, concerned for mine and my family’s welfare, they didn’t seem to really engage with me or even look at me; they made notes then delivered their diagnosis, writing out a script for anti-depressants. The experience felt cold and unassuring.

I am sure we have all had experiences when things were going bad, life felt hard and you shared it with a friend or family member and suddenly, supported by their sincere concern and listening, it lifted a cloud. They might not have provided a solution, but the love and care somehow fixed some things. This was what my GP provided when I shared my anxieties with her; I cried because I felt her genuine care – this care and talking with her felt like medicine in itself. There are many medical practitioners in the world who naturally present themselves in this caring manner. There are also many who don’t, due to stress, overwork, frustrating medical systems etc. I have no judgement of any of them; however, this time round with my depression I wanted to surround myself with a little bit more cushioning and care. I don’t just align myself to only seeing Universal Medicine health practitioners – that would be foolish. But on occasions I do seek them because I know that I will consistently receive genuine care, love and concern for my symptoms – but neither sympathy nor pandering; this care is part of their work ethos because they feel it can play an important part in the overall care and treatment of the patient. And when you’re dealing with the kind of issues I was dealing with, I felt it was advantageous to share these issues with someone in whose company I felt like I was with family or a friend – someone that cared and who knew me to be more than the mess I was in. As I journeyed through finding a suitable anti-depressant with my GP, I shared with her what I was exploring with my Universal Medicine psychologist practitioners and how it was really helping – she was super supportive of the efforts I was making, praised me for confronting the hard stuff and expressed to me directly that it was great that I was getting “so much support”.

Very gently, I considered my part in my life. Slowly it began to help and make sense. One of the dramas and distractions which I created and was able to look at, was being caught up in getting things done, especially since having children. Each day I created a to-do list, which set me up for failure as I put myself into a drive or busy-ness, which overrode my body telling me that it could not physically undertake such an impossible list. To compensate, I would be constantly reaching for comfort foods and felt exhausted, irritated and frustrated, which often led to rage directed at my innocent children and husband. This to-do list of mine was debilitating.

Could this be one of the ways I created chaos and overwhelm in my life – by generating circumstances and situations that made life so hard and so difficult that giving up felt like the only option? What if, for added drama, I threw in sabotaging thoughts of being a failure for not ever achieving the unachievable, plus a range of judgemental, self-loathing thoughts? And how could I profess to love my family when I treated myself so appallingly?

So, as I began to attempt each day to bring a simplicity to that day’s activities, I slowly started to see something else. Although I was making my life more simple and less complicated and my quality of life started to improve, I still was having shouting outbursts at my family. Now, my relationship with my practitioners was different, in as much as I could now go along and rather than look for them to fix it for me, I would rock up and say, “Okay, life’s better but I’m still yelling – I want to stop this, why is it still happening?”. Again, gently with no judgement, I received the possibility that I was only committing to making my life better, but not actually addressing the relationship I had with myself: my opinion of myself was still terrible and because I could still be mean to me, it was easy to be mean to others too.

So, I contemplated this for a while and BINGO! Finally a light went on; my internal voice was still running me down, judging me, chastising me all the time. So I might have been making better choices, but I was just ‘doing’ them to make things better rather than because I really felt I was worth it. Now I was getting somewhere.

I had been running two lives: a physically exhausting one, and another in my head running non-stop commentaries on how useless I was. So although I was changing the physically exhausting part of my life, the low self-worth part was still running the show: I still hadn’t committed to genuinely loving me and making that the reason for every choice I made in my day.

Stopping the merry-go-round, allowing the discomfort and pain of those unloving choices to be felt was not, and still is not, easy. But I now give myself some stillness and quiet, just to feel me. Now that I’ve allowed myself to feel my brutally low opinion of myself, I can see past that part and see the real me – this beautiful woman who is just busting to be given permission to come out into the world.

I would like to show my appreciation to Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and all its wonderful practitioners for their unwavering love and support. This, however, is not a rah–rah for UniMed; this is a rah–rah for the growing awareness of the healing power of love, which is at the core of what UniMed endorses but is obviously not exclusive to UniMed; this is a rah–rah to the medicinal qualities of love and care – the love and care from my GP, the love and care from UniMed practitioners, the love and care from my family and friends and the love and care from me. It was me that made the choice to see qualified medical practitioners, highly trained in their field of mental illness, choosing to administer their medicine with love and care – the vital ingredient which was missing from my last foray into fixing this debilitating condition. All of the above helped bring me back to ME, showing me that I always had a choice, even when I had dug my heels in pretty deep, thinking I had no choice, believing that the dramatic events in my life were outside of my control and that I was a lost cause.

I am understanding more and more the meaning of true love and what that encompasses: it is true love to gently, without judgement, lovingly help people when they are ready to begin to entertain the possibility that we are responsible for our choices and the events that happen in our lives: it is true love to present the ‘tough’ stuff – to bring people back to who they really are so they, in turn, can help others return back to who they really are. This to me is the bigger picture, this to me is all part of true love. This is what personally helped me understand my depression and my part in it.

By Anon

633 thoughts on “Depression, Bi-Polar & the Medicinal Qualities of Love & Choice

  1. So interesting isn’t it when we really start to look at our part in things which come to unfold in our lives and in our bodies. Beautiful to see how in such a relatively short time it seems you were able to start taking responsibility for those choices and choose loving support to start to turn it all around. I would think the doctors are pretty impressed too, as yours seems an uncommon story for someone diagnosed with Bipolar.

    1. Change does happen even if we cannot see it immediately – hence we can never underestimate the little steps we make because they are the foundation for the big steps we take to grow.

      1. As a society, we have become used to instant gratifying changes with results that please. When we are offered space, patience and appreciation the quality in the results is what is not only felt but remains as a marker of where we were at and what we have aligned to now.

    2. What are we not able to choose our way out of? Nothing. There is no situation in life that we are not able to eventually choose our way out of. Not that we can necessarily do it in one lifetime but over many lifetimes we shall all eventually choose our way out of the illusion of creation and back into the reality of truth. And when we get back to truth we shall realise that the truth is the same for all of us, identical in fact.

  2. This difference between wanting to make life better and actually addressing our relationship with ourselves is monumental. They are entirely different processes with entirely different outcomes. Bingo is right. This is where true healing can occur, when we are willing to address our relationship with ourselves rather than apply a short-term fix. Being mean with ourselves is something that can slip under the radar if we are not being vigilant. Yet it is very destructive of any sense of self-love and equally draining of our energy. No wonder we end up feeling unwell.

  3. There is such a crucial distinction shared here between doing self-loving things and being love itself. It seems that until we embrace the latter and choose to understand our responsibility to be love nothing will really heal. Great sharing, thank you.

    1. Yes Richard, Being Love itself is taking self-love to a whole new level, a really delicious level that truly supports us to make those all important different choices about – well – everything.

  4. Taking responsibility is the inevitable fork in the road to our own self salvation or demise. We all have that choice.

  5. The realisation that we have a part to play in everything that happens to us can either be very inspiring, or daunting. It entirely depends on how we take it, however if we realise that the fact that we have a part to play in everything gives us the power to create a wonderful life for ourselves, things in our life may begin to change.

  6. Reading here the incredible honesty that you have written with is very inspiring, and it blows the top off of depression itself, from your own lived experience you are showing us that depression is not the end of the line, it is merely a stop gap along the way as we return back to being in loving relationships with ourselves once again.

  7. “All of the above helped bring me back to ME, showing me that I always had a choice, even when I had dug my heels in pretty deep, thinking I had no choice, believing that the dramatic events in my life were outside of my control and that I was a lost cause.” What you share is enormous anon, you show that we always have the power to change our lives and it doesn’t take much just one step at a time looking at what is happening in our life and becoming honest where we are at and ask for and accept the help that is there.

  8. Wow Anonymous you have shown us what it looks like to take responsibility for our choices. It is easy to blame life, people and our situation for how we feel but choosing to take responsibility for every part of it empowers us to see the truth of what is going on and bring about true change and supports us to step out of the black hole we’ve dug. Taking responsibility is like our medicine.

  9. What if we all knew that the slightest complication we bring in, indulge in or herald as badge of honor in life is our own choice of delay in just simply being who we are, so as to reflect the simplicity of Love in our every day life? What if we simply saw through this truth and without further delay just returned to being true to ourselves, just because it feels so much more joyful and simple?

  10. Thank you for this extraordinarily honest and open article… what was interesting to me was how it propelled me into some great research on the effects of singing on depression… Pick an area of psychology from communication, interpersonal benefits, cognitive and emotional benefits, physical, etc! And we find that singing really really helps.

  11. Much to love about what you share here and one part that really stood out was your realisation that you were making ‘better decisions’ to have ‘a better life’ but not looking at the underlying theme that was behind making these decisions. That is where the gold is. If it is to better ourselves, then we are not recognising that we are already everything and that is what is worth taking care of. Self-love and self-care is such an important foundation.

  12. Having been depressed myself I can relate to making choices in my day which exacerbated the depression and kept me in the victim and overwhelm mode. And honestly having tried most of what was on offer from the doctors and physiatrists it wasn’t until I met Serge Benhayon and the Universal practitioners that the depression started to shift and funnily enough I never talked to the practitioners about the state of my mind as I healed other areas of my life, the depression went away naturally, it is the most amazing experience. All those years and years of seeing a physiatrist got me no where however as I said by healing other areas of my life completely changed I cant even remember what it was like to be depressed now.

  13. There is so much to discuss here and I love your honesty, what I got throughout your blog was how your willingness and openness to heal deep within brought people into your life who could truly help you with this and get to the bottom of what was going on.

  14. I too suffered from depression which led to a spell in a mental hospital because I was incapable of looking after myself. Looking back I had completely abandoned myself and given up on life. I was listening to a presentation recently where it was said that the spirit
    is constantly fighting to stay as an individual it does not want to go back to soul/God because it will loose it’s identity and that is everything to the spirit. So then I wondered from that if there was a part of me, my spirit that knew exactly what it was doing and was in control. If this is true and it feels very possible to me, I feel I’m just waking up to the fact just how much I am dominated by something I cannot see but can feel as it is running my body in such away that is going against everything I hold dear in this life which is my relationship to soul/God.

  15. “I can tell you, it was pretty painful to even contemplate for one second the possibility that I could be responsible for creating all the pain I’d been through” Amazing that you clocked this and actually considered this and then with love and care you was able to accept it and then change it to benefit not only yourself but everyone around you. Thank you for being brave enough to go there.

  16. This is a brilliant and amazingly open sharing Anon. But this is exactly what we as a world need to know. Not just those who suffer with Bipolar, but anyone who carries on with a condition that they know is bad for their health. You show there is a way and an answer to almost any ailment if we but stop and see that the condition is in the first instance, our responsibility. Just this simple acknowledgement on a world-wide scale would initiate so much healing.

    1. Absolutely Joseph, I agree. When I look around our society, there is a huge amount of irresponsibility that is present and celebrated. I feel this is one of the main reasons why we have high rates of illness and disease. So I feel this is so true, taking responsibility does equal healing and such a simple equation we have yet to apply collectively.

  17. Your story is a testament to the power of taking responsibility for your choices and for the part you play in your own suffering… and a great example of the commitment you embraced, supported you with the loving care you were treated with, to being able to unravel and transform your life. A great sharing.

  18. The quality in someone’s presence can be a huge support; like your GP or the Universal Medicine practitioners that you saw who inspired you to make true changes in your life whilst not feeling judged or dismissed. How we are with each other can make such an impact.

  19. This is staggering in its honesty, a healing to read, many of us have lived or grown up with depression as part of our lives. To feel the quality of someone taking responsibility, is amazing. I also feel this in my own life, in the way that I now do not blame others for my issues, it is a responsibility, but it a joy and so empowering to make this choice.

  20. With the rates of suicide of doctors and psychologists it would suggest that these professions are in need of some true love and true care. If we don’t have medical professionals who know and understand these qualities for themselves, then what quality are they able to hold another in. And what quality are the institutions that are supposed to train and support these professionals. Of course it starts with us and taking responsibility for giving ourselves, but we also need to bring this to the insitutions of education, medicine, and psychology, every facet of life actually, so we don’t raise another generation in the disregard and neglect of self – crushed by the extreme demands of a competitive, hardened, loveless system.

  21. This is a brave and intelligent article, its speaks to all those that seek to put Unimed in a spiritual box, yet it equally speaks to all those that want to only champion one way or another way, it cuts through all the rah- rah to the point that it is LOVE that is to be celebrated for the shift you have made in your life.
    We tend go to extremes as human beings, we either want to take all the credit for our changes or give all the credit to someone else for our changes, neither one is actually taking responsibly. We often miss the balance of appreciating others support as much as we appreciate that we were the ones that actually choose to seek it in the first place. You bring the perfect balance in this blog of these things.

  22. What a great blog! It shows so clearly how any sympathy or empathy does not help in any way deal with the underlying conditions – the real roots of why such conditions are there in the first place.

  23. So much understanding you share Anon, thank you. True love: ‘to bring people back to who they really are’. This is loving service and commitment to living and participating in whatever is called for.

  24. Thank you anon for sharing your experiences, your knowledge and your wisdom; what you have shared is so inspirational, gently supporting us be aware and take responsibility for our choices and the medical conditions they create. I love how you have highlighted truth and love being the antedate and true medicine.

  25. I would also like to acknowledge thanks and appreciation to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine who have brought a whole different understanding to the causes and effects of depression through its energetic aspect…an aspect I found dearly missing when I had depression many years before Serge and Universal Medicine came into being. Our own experience, the experience of the traditional medical approach, and the understandings Universal Medicine have brought, offer a valuable experience that can be shared widely.

  26. I am so glad that you are now in a much better space and well able to cope with all that is required of you. I love how cutting the energy of what was going on, has been a God send for you and such a blessing you choose to be truly supported to make these changes.

  27. Thank you for sharing your story and shedding so much light on the cause for depression and how this can be approached, which I can relate to very much, as whilst I have never been diagnosed with depression I do know this state of feeling down and how negative thoughts and exhaustion can wear you out.

  28. This sharing is simply beautiful. Every movement you made towards responsibility solidified your new choices to build a solid foundation of love and that support aided your return to you and the joy your are. Awesome thank you.

  29. Having had a few bouts of depression in the past I too have come through it with much held from Universal Medicine Practitioners and family and friends. Learning to stay in the present with our focus on what we are doing or feeling has helped.

  30. Depression is something that plagues many people, myself included in the past. I can relate to a lot of what you have shared here anon, that is the to-do lists, the overwhelm, the distractions. These are all things that foster never feeling good enough and always feeling like we never measure up. This contributes to the feelings of depression. But finding a way out of that, making other lifestyle choices, that foster, self honouring and love, have helped enormously in dropping any feelings of depression.

  31. Oh how we set ourselves up to bring on symptoms to give ourselves excuses to with draw from the world! – rather than bring our enormous power to present our stillness. I well knew these excuses in depression, and these days thanks to the esoteric psychology, can catch them and see them for what they are before they build and escalate.

  32. Thank you for sharing your personal journey of how you suffered severe depression and how YOU managed to come out the other side with the aid of various health practitioners, family and friends who all shared the same vital ingredient – LOVE.

  33. What an incredible read thank you for sharing about depression in such a responsible way, I am always interested in the fact we say that we ‘suffer’ with depression as if it is something beyond us that is imposed upon us.

    1. Very true observation, Vanessa, that by saying ‘suffer’ we are saying it is being done to us and we have no choice while this honest, intimate and powerful sharing shows otherwise.

    2. ‘Suffering’ is just one of the many guises of the spirit, it loves to dress itself up in many costumes and what a splendid outfit ‘suffering’ is because it’s one that many of us are able to hide out in for lifetime after lifetime and not get called out in for choosing it for ourselves because part of the outfit of suffering is to believe that ‘somebody’ or ‘something’ has done it to us.

  34. Thank you for a very inspiring blog to read, depression seems so hard for people to come out of, but you were able to love yourself enough to take responsibility and honestly look at the drama you were creating. Beautiful to accept and acknowledge the loving support from the Doctor the Unimed practitioners and family and most of all from your loving self.

  35. What an awesome blog from an awesome woman. Your journey through this is inspirational. To persevere, to hear and act on the hard stuff, to discard all those learned behaviours and to move beyond the negative thoughts is huge and I am very appreciative. We are all amazing, loving beings and to be able to uncover the amazing, loving being you are after being in such a state is something the world really needs to know.

  36. Thank you so much for your honest blog – it is so helpful to understand more about the diagnoses being bi-polar. Your following insight was very helpful for me: “So I might have been making better choices, but I was just ‘doing’ them to make things better rather than because I really felt I was worth it.” It seems to be that self-worth is very good additional medicine – I was not aware how powerful self worth can be!

  37. Such honesty in your sharing anon, there is so much here for many to understand and learn from. There is always a way in which we can go, being responsible or irresponsible. What you have described here is someone who challenged the medical system, doctors and the like, listened to yourself and rebuilt a loving relationship with yourself. Very inspiring for many.

  38. Yes it is both love and responsibility to present the ‘tough stuff’ – even now i know there are times when I hold back – we are in a patter of capped expression because its more comfortable and yet there are people who are longing to hear the truth. This blog reminds me of the power we all have to be honest and express in full with each other.

  39. I absolutely applaud you… this is such an honest sharing of what you’ve been through. Two things particularly stand out… first your willingness to tell the world the details of what was going on for you as l’m sure many can relate but try to keep it hidden from most. And secondly, your willingness to go there in terms of taking responsibility for healing yourself. Knowing where to go to for true support is vital, and you were very blessed to have practitioners at hand who could facilitate what was needed for you to get back on your feet.

  40. ‘…one of the side effects of one pill listed said that suicidal thoughts could occur in the first two weeks…’. What is going on here? It seems extraordinary that a medication seemingly designed to alleviate depression might have a known effect that could lead to the user taking their own life. How is it possible such a drug could be deemed safe? Perhaps this is a reflection of what we have come to consider an acceptable risk to our own well-being, and the level to which we have abdicated the safe-guarding of our own health. Well done anon for clocking this and pressing for another answer.

  41. ‘…I had nothing to lose because I couldn’t find relief with the anti-depressants. So I continued to listen.’ Interesting how it often takes hitting rock bottom before we find there is nowhere else to turn but to the truth. This is the way for so many of us, and possibly we should be glad there is such a thing as rock bottom, otherwise we might not get to the truth at all. Having said that, it would be a whole lot more useful (and quicker) if we were able to identify the truth of our situations for ourselves without having to go to hell and back, however that looks for us. Either way, we’ll all get there in the end. How can we not?

  42. It really is possible for people to be genuinely caring, loving and compassionate without being sympathetic nor holding back on pulling others up so to speak. In fact it is deeply loving to truly support another to take more responsibility for their life.

  43. If we live a life that exhausts our body and is unloving that it seems like a healthy response to feel depressed about it in that this is not a healthy way to live. A lot of our body messages are there to lovingly call us back to a true and healthy way of being and living that is available to all of us equally.

  44. Responsibility for self is the healing path we all need to take in order to let go of hurts we have carried in bodies all our life. Universal Medicine has inspired hundreds of people to take the appropriate steps not to manage and make things ‘better’ but to heal the root cause of limiting patterns and behaviours impeding on shining our true light.

  45. True love is that which honestly reflects how we are the creators of life through the choices we have made, this can be a hard pill to swallow but if we are open to taking responsibility for the way we care for our bodies we can connect to the universal wisdom within ourselves that supports us through challenges we might encounter in life and see them more as an opportunity for true healing.

  46. Reaching out for help can be a very confronting thing for many, this step is such an important part of healing. To allow ourselves this level of honesty, vulnerability and self support is the first step in taking responsibility for what we know is needed.

    1. Absolutely, and to me to ask for help feels like an opening up as well – a step towards change and letting go of old ways that haven’t worked. Something I’ve learnt is also to be aware of not being attached to how the help will look (e.g looking for sympathy) and also to keep discerning if the help being offered genuinely feels supportive. I know that with Universal Medicine the help I’ve been offered has been utterly sincere and truly loving.

  47. Thank you anon, for sharing your experience, awesome you can now see the bigger picture and helped you to understand depression and your part in it.

  48. A very beautiful and inspiring blog to read . The medicinal qualities of love and choice certainly cannot be underestimated as you have so clearly pointed out, thank you.

  49. I was so surprised at how many colleagues or their partners or friends have depression and take medication for it. More and more people are admitting to suffering from depression at one time or another, and it seems to be on the increase. Should we not look at lifestyle choices and what we are choosing to take on in our lives, to give us some reflection of what choices we are making that are not supportive for us at all.

  50. This article holds the key to unlocking depression and anxiety the world over.
    A powerful offering in relation to responsibility for self and how our life is and how we are in it. It also highlights just how debilitating it is to give up on ourselves and life.

  51. We are never a lost cause, we are fed the thoughts to think so and our circumstances can be hard and complex but there is always true care and love to find your way back step by step to feel the love inside yourself.

  52. I love the unfolding you present Anon. “… internal voice was still running me down, judging me, chastising me all the time. So I might have been making better choices, but I was just ‘doing’ them to make things better rather than because I really felt I was worth it.” This is applicable to so many of us – whether suffering with depression or not. Learning to appreciate – and love – myself is turning down the volume of the critical inner voice – a last!

  53. This is very inspiring Anon, we are so much more than we give ourselves credit for. We are more than our issues and problems. We are more than our hurts and fears. Your blog is a beautiful testimony of the unfoldment of who you truly are and the power we all have to change our situation.

  54. There is so much in life that we think is real, we are convinced that is the way it is and it will never change. A condition like depression (or many others) seems like this, and yet through changes in life it can change.

  55. I find I need to keep check of how I am communicating with myself all the time because otherwise it is so easy to slip into a spiral of negativity and self abuse.

  56. When we think of self care we automatically think of what we do physically to look after ourselves but I am finding that I can have a this and hot baths and put on moisturiser but if I do not address my internal dialogue as well then very little actually shifts.

  57. Thank you anon, your story has truly shown how to return to health. With you playing your equal and just as important part with other medical and Universal practitioners working as a team.
    This reminds me of a saying that makes me smile when I am in the middle of my mess.. “When I have dug a deep hole, stop digging. “

  58. The path of depression is different for each person who has that particular illness, but what is great about your blog is how open and transparent you are, thus sharing with all a way you found that supported you.

  59. Thankyou Anon & Brendan, I agree, for me the genuine care is more important than any knowledge shared.

  60. I loved reading your blog, please keep writing. This line was a stand out for me “I still hadn’t committed to genuinely loving me and making that the reason for every choice I made in my day.” This is a great reminder for me to be aware of improvements, going into “have to’s”, or to simply make choices out of loving and cherishing myself.

  61. The roles we play in keeping the drama in our lives can be very debilitating. When we choose to get real and honest in how much we have contributed and how that has held us back it becomes a life changer.

  62. Your blog is so very raw I loved it. I have had the same tendencies to fall into depression on and off in my life. What you have shared is so similar to the dramas and to do list that I set myself up with to continually create me to be a failure, and put me in a place that I can then self bash and keep myself less. It’s a vicious cycle until responsibility is taken and transparency is embraced. This too is a work in progress for me and I appreciate your blog and transparency.

  63. Responsibility is a hard pill to swallow when we have indulged in the comforts of drama and identified ourselves with the seeming struggle of life. Anon, I admire your courage to look yourself right in the eye and see the beauty beneath the self-created and self-admitted mess. It is this beauty that steers us out of the darkness for it shines a light divine – God’s torch. And it is the love and care of those around us that help us make the move to stop stumbling around in the dark. True love is a light that holds all others with no judgement and no sympathy but with a depth of wisdom and understanding that is truly Heaven sent.

  64. Love is the ‘stop’ in the endless drama of life that we create when void of the presence of love. But we can never truly be void of love as we are fashioned from it. We can only choose to not connect to and express this love, and thus the seeming ‘void’ opens up, but in-truth does not even exist.

  65. Fabulous sharing anon, the openness and transparency in this account of your depression will help many people. Yes we can point to chemical imbalances being connected to depression but the key is to realise that we ourselves cause those chemical imbalances through our daily choices in how we live. As you discovered and shared, there is a part of us that has its own agenda and in your case it was to reduce your self worth to nil. We all have a part of us that is working in a multitude of differing ways to reduce us from what we can so easily be.

  66. Thank you. I searched for blogs on depression today as I have been crying for hours and unable to get out of bed. Your blog reminds me that I always have a choice and I am responsible for all I am experiencing. It also reminds me to be very gentle and supportive of myself. Thank you for providing this loving support.

  67. Coming back around to this blog once again the part that really stood out was about making choices. Do we make them because they are better than previous choices or do we make them because we feel that we deserve a higher quality. That we are worth loving and nurturing deeply so?
    This to me makes a lot of sense as to why changes can be made in life but until we feel we are worth maintaining and holding ourselves in a greater quality of love and life and appreicating these choices then they can fall away again.

  68. Anon I love how you say you are understanding more the real meaning of true love, and that it is about being not judgemental of ourselves when we slip up. This is huge as we constantly repeat the cycle if we continue to use negative emotions to further pull us down. The real healing is when we know we have not acted from love is to say ‘hay ok that was not loving, what really happened there?” and then with out judgment or criticism reflect on what really went on.

  69. It really is incredible the difference we can make to our lives through ‘bringing a simplicity to that day’s activities’ and cutting out complication or dramas. When we make every small tension, bad situation or error into a colossal issue our body really does suffer the slack through us becoming racy, erratic, stressed, emotional and so forth. As you’ve shared in your article anon even a serious, diagnosed mental health condition can be turned around by exchanging constant emotions with love and simplicity.

  70. Go you 💕 It is not easy to ask for the truth especially when it exposes us, how we perceive ourselves and live. Being or receiving love and care for another with zero judgement is a huge part of the healing process. I have heard so many stories from people who have not received this by ‘professionals’ when they most needed it. To live in a way that is constantly and consistently loving ourselves is a responsibility towards others as well. There is no sympathy or emotion in love it just is, and in some cases can be very firm as I feel the Universal Medicine Practitioner was in this case helping you to feel and see the part you were playing in this. Negative thoughts about myself is something that has been recently highlighted to me that I do. When I heard this I felt ‘no way I love me!’ But had to laugh as I walked out the door and suddenly then felt the energy within me of the negative thoughts I had about me that had been in constant replay that I had not been fully conciously aware of. How many of us do this???? I would say quite a few! Thank you for sharing your story it is inspiring you had the courage to feel and see the part you played in the depression and how you have turned this around. So maybe all those that have been diagnosed with bi-polar there is actually something else to look at here and it can be healed?

  71. I too applaud the fact that by working with the real issues, you were able to get to the bottom of your postnatal depression, and all the impacts it was having, rather than just bury the issues further by making the symptoms more manageable, which is a way many of us default into.

  72. When we are lovingly supported to take responsibility it brings us back to ourselves and stop looking outside for someone or something to blame. Self-love can be a magic pill for so many of our self-inflicted woes.

  73. Over the years I have seen many people crippled by depression. I guess some people internalise their hurts and other like me express them through anger and rage lashing out at the world. Neither is more healthy that the other. Taking responsibility is the only real medicine to heal our hurts by listening to truly connect with our inner heart and feel and understand what our body is expressing to us and build a deeply loving and nurturing relationship with ourselves.

  74. This is such an honest and powerful story. Although I don’t suffer with depression it is one that I can relate to when it comes to being my own worst enemy in that at times I have also been stuck in the story of having a tough life blaming events and people for abusing me. When really my childhood abuse stopped decades ago it was me that chose to keep it alive with my one self-loathing and self-abusive way of life. Through the support of Universal Medicine practitioners I have learnt to love and nurture myself and let go of the hurts that drove my self-loathing behaviours.

  75. When things start to feel overwhelming or everything is going wrong the desire is to blame others and their actions, and to find fault, in scenarios. If my life is feeling out of control, I have to stop and look at my choices and behaviour because it is my life, so I am the factor that is central to all the chaos. Rather than going into punishment and judgment there is a sense of freedom and understanding that returns.

  76. A great sharing and a calling for true healing – or nothing truly changes. The difference between relieving the symptoms and healing the hurt that is the cause, is worlds apart.

  77. What a great sharing, uncovering a very common and unfortunately, growing problem we have in society now. I am blown away the number of people I hear that say they are on anti-depressants or are feeling depressed lately. Your sharing explains a lot what happens to us in this state and offers a great way forward for many to ponder on and perhaps choose to seek help for, as your story clearly shows, there is another way.

  78. What you present here is actually life-changing. Depression – and even everyday life for most people – is a never ending black tunnel, and your story shows it’s possible to not only seek support, but choose to play your part in coming back out into the light… Super inspiring.

  79. What a very beautiful story of someone taking responsibility to heal themselves with the support of conventional medicine and Universal Medicine. Your experiences, your story are truly inspirational.

  80. Bi-polar is a very unsettling condition as the person who experiences it can be taken from one extreme to the next with little guidance on the journey between one and the other. I have watched this close up as it happens to someone whom i deeply care about. And when they are trying to pretend that everything is ok seems to be when everything is at its worst. I have observed how being honest with just how awful and terrible it feels to be caught in the sways of exhaustion and the extremes of depression, is sometimes the only way to start to find a way out and take responsibility.

    1. Not living the truth of who we are is a ‘very unsettling condition’ but because it’s pretty much how everyone is currently living we don’t recognise that this is what’s going on. So we’re all attempting to self-soothe en masse, using pretty much anything and everything that we can get our hands on to try and smooth over the deep discomfort that we feel about not living who, deep down, we know ourselves to be. Live who we are in truth and all of the angst disappears, not only does it disappear but it’s replaced with love, purpose and joy for everyone, literally every single one of us.

  81. Without first taking responsibility for ourselves, our actions, our choices and where we find ourselves at there can be no true healing. A truly inspirational sharing…..thank you anon.

  82. When I came to finally understand the link in my life between exhaustion and depression, it was like the lid had been lifted off the cage I was in and suddenly I had the power to change how I was experiencing life itself. From this point I have never looked back, although I am still learning, and do at times slip back in to an uncared-for-state of being, I always know that I have the tools to bring myself back again because I know what needs to be addressed. This approach brings with it enormous patience and understanding for myself, which I then bring to my relationships with the people in my life.

  83. An inspiring read thank-you. This would be a great blog for wall those who suffer from this debilitating disease to read. Hats off to you for not walking out on the wonderful Universal Medicine Practitioners when they presented, with no judgement to you, the unloving choices you had made were of your own making and your willingness to begin to take loving and nurturing responsibility for yourself both physically and emotionally. And as you express this honouring of yourself has given you a deeper understanding of true love and what that encompasses.

  84. “…And how could I profess to love my family when I treated myself so appallingly?” Allowing ourselves the grace to stop and listen to any mean voices from our mind is giving us back our power to choose whether to take them on or not. What a fantastic turnaround you have had in your life, a truly inspiring read.

  85. Your dissection of what has been going on for you is incredibly powerful. But what’s fascinating is that it’s not just applicable in the domain of the bipolar or depressive person. What you’ve described has application and validity across the human condition. An awesome contribution – one that offers us our own driving seat back once we choose it.

  86. This reminds me that the change comes not from just changing the physical behaviors and patterns, but that the way I think about myself needs awareness and care, too, if I want to end depression. This is great stuff. Because even if I tick all the boxes on a functioning level, I can still feel miserable in life with low self worth and you show a way to change this. Thanks.

  87. It is beautiful to read about how you took responsibility for your life and made the changes that were necessary. This is the way we ought to approach our health and wellbeing.

  88. When we are consumed by depression it is hard to see the full and far reaching effects of it, both for our physical bodies and the relationships that we have.

  89. This blog is a gold mine of self-awareness and a great example of the deep, committed self-exploration required of all of us to truly assess how we sabotage our possibilities in life. Two key takeaways for me are how we settle for making life better without addressing the relationship with ourselves and that when we judge ourselves and treat ourselves badly, it then becomes easy to judge others and treat them badly.

  90. Wow Anon, what an incredible realisation you allowed yourself to have. Your story is one that needs to be shared with the many. It’s a big responsibility to admit that one is the creator of their own demise, and one that can be very painful for most. I appreciate your sharing.

  91. It is amazing to consider that we choose to create our own dramas and chaos, and live with them because they are familiar. Life without drama is so much simpler and life without chaos feels way more supportive.

  92. It certainly is Brendan and stepping up to this responsibility is made a whole lot easier when we connect to and support each other to do it together.

  93. Being held in the tenderness of true nurturing care while having someone truly listen to you without judgment can indeed ‘feel like medicine itself’ Anon.

  94. Learning to listen to our bodies, to tune in, to understand what is actually coming from the intelligence of our inner hearts, is the start of a truly loving relationship with ourselves within which lies true healing.

    1. Yes and as we begin to trust our bodies more, the more they are willing to share with us. Staying open and aware to the significance of this can truly support us back to true health. As you say, it is in this truly loving relationship (that we build) with ourselves that we find true healing.

Leave a Reply