by Josh Campbell (20), university student, New Zealand
REAL MEN DON’T CRY – OR DO THEY?
All I can remember from my childhood years – when I think back to them – is forever getting a strong message that if I am to grow up to be a real man
- I must be tough.
- I must be hard.
- I must be rough.
But the most hurtful and deeply felt ones of all were that
- I was not allowed to be ‘soft’.
- I was not allowed to be ‘cherishing’, ‘nurturing’, ‘feminine’ in any way.
- That feeling things was not OK because men, that is real men, don’t have ‘feelings’.
What I was sensing from others (particularly from other men) as I was growing up, was that feelings are for ‘wusses’. They are for soft people who can’t live in this world and that real strength comes from what you can do physically, never from what you can feel. This type of strength may come through being physically mighty and being able to lift and push the body, or it may come from lots of hard work through your academic life to be super smart and bright at what you can do. Whatever way it comes, it is still the same message: ‘You are a Machine… you do not have feelings’.
This meant that things like being able to cry, or showing hurt or any ‘soft’ emotion was totally overruled by this immediate reflection of being a ‘wuss’ or a ‘pussy’.
Real men don’t cry – They don’t shed tears when life gets tough or things are too hard. Real men are asked to push hard. To push on and force themselves to the next level regardless of the feelings that they may have. They are asked to totally ignore their own bodies because real men can ‘handle the pain’.
MY SCHOOL YARD MEMORY – GETTING THE MESSAGE THAT NO SUGAR CUBES OR WUSSES WERE ALLOWED
I remember being at school one day when it was wet. We were having a whole school assembly that day which they had scheduled to be outside because they had thought it was not going to rain that day. It was OK at first when we were outside because the rain hadn’t started at that stage. However, I do remember it was cold.
Well, it began to rain and we were asked to sit through it because we “were not sugar cubes” and we “could handle a bit of pain”. The rain was only light so it was not too bad, but when I was sitting there in the cold in my summer uniform, it was painful. Not painful because ‘I couldn’t handle it’. No, I could handle it. I lived through the experience and survived! But at what expense?
It was painful because I knew in every cell in my body that what I was being asked to do was not loving for me. It was not honouring of me because every feeling in my body was telling me this was not right and I was being asked to override it because otherwise I would have been a ‘wuss’ or in this case, a ‘sugar cube’, if I hadn’t.
I could feel that other people were also feeling the same thing: that this was not honouring of the truth that they were feeling inside them. I could feel that others were overriding their feelings. Some were even so good at it that they did not appear fazed at all by the rain and cold conditions. I felt alone. I felt that my voice was only speaking for me and not for everyone and that I would have been seen as a sook for not handling the conditions if I said anything to anyone. This was because I felt small and isolated as everyone else was choosing against honouring or even acknowledging what they were feeling inside them. If I had said anything about how I was feeling to anyone I would have been the ‘wuss’ of the school. Speaking up about how they are feeling is not something a real man would do, is it?
HARDENING AS MEN AND WOMEN – ARE WE AFRAID OF BEING A WUSS?
We get this reflection every day from both men and from women. I know a lot of people [‘real’ men and women] who I meet on the streets, in the shops, at the university – they are hardened by life, unfortunately. Most are studying farming at the university but it does not really matter what they are studying, they have all had to go through a process of hardening to not be labelled the wuss in life.
But what does this mean, to be the wuss in life? We are not at school any more so we are not going to be labelled as the ‘sugar cube’ in front of our peers, or as the ‘wuss of the school’. So why keep the hardening going? Why continue to be the machine with no feelings instead of honouring our feelings?
What if the hardening and bullishness we felt at school has never actually stopped since we left school and we have instead adapted to a way of life that is constantly avoiding being labelled “the wuss in life”? Maybe we have got so used to it that this seems to most to be the norm in life. I know from experience that in many workplaces the so called ‘office politics’ and the ‘office silliness’ that goes on is actually like what I felt at school. The true fun and play-full-ness that many of us have had with our peers as youngsters before it was seen as ‘wussy’ behaviour is not experienced, much less lived, every day in these office environments.
We get ingrained with this mentality from young. Both men and women feel the same pressures at school. After all, in my case, there were both girls and boys at this assembly so it was not just a masculine thing… women too were being asked to override their feelings. They would have also been labelled as ‘sugar cubes’ or ‘wusses’ if they had stood up for what they were feeling.
Women and men feel this pressure in different ways, but it is still asking them to do the same thing… to override their feelings. Men feel this pressure often more directly. We are asked to be ‘strong’ in life by ignoring what we know in our hearts to be true.
Men are seen as childish and labelled as irresponsible and as ‘boys’ if they don’t harden up and grow up in life. What if being ‘real men’ is not really growing up at all but is really a process of honouring and deepening your connection with your feelings? To not be hard. To not be tough. But rather to be the gentleness and tenderness as a man that as a child he always knew he could be?
What if being a real man is not wussy at all…
What if being a real man was actually really empowering because the real strength of a man was never found in what he could lift or pull physically in life, but rather from the love that comes from within him by knowing who he is, from what he feels inside him?
Inspired by the work of Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
Josh, there is so much truth here. It makes me reflect on my own upbringing as a woman, that I took on that stance of hardness too. It was that or be annihilated by the systems of education. And yet I could feel I was going against the grain of it all.
Being inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine simply presents that there is another way to live, and we can say yes to it, and take the lead in making some changes, then we can let go of this hardness. It’s not an over night thing either. A working progress that I must admit is absolutely worth it. Not just because of how I feel within myself but, also how I can be that reflection to others too.
Being sensitive and having feelings and speaking what one feels is indeed a strength and not a weakness.
I agree Henrietta, it is a strength, some people soon realise that it is ok to be vulnerable. I’ve seen others grapple when I reflect this, the rest is unto them as to what they do with it.
In our current world we are asked to be what we are not. Our nature is to be gentle and caring and this does not seem to fit into the current societal protocol. But if this mold is not broken by us then who will do it and how long do we wait?
Thank you Joshua for speaking up on behalf so so many of us, men and women.
True Alison, both men and women are pressured to harden up.
“Women and men feel this pressure in different ways, but it is still asking them to do the same thing… to override their feelings”
Yes and unfortuantly we live in a society that has asked us over eon’s to not be ourselves and in some cases it has imposed this brutally on us.
We are all asked to toughen up and to not be our true selves, to not show our sensitivity, delicateness, and tenderness, and so we become hard and protected, and add to the defensiveness of humanity.
Our relationship within is so power–full and being prepared with whatever it takes with the absoluteness of being Soul-full will strengthen the love that comes from within, allowing a prepared-ness to dress in a way that understands our vulnerability and tenderness, as such wisdom provides whatever is needed so we do not have to endure the cold rain. These days being loving with a jumper and hat always at the ready is my simple approach to life.
Thanks Josh, it’s s very relevant topic. It’s as if the current model of life has been set up to not be challenged, because cutting people off from the sensitivity means they won’t be open to sensing what’s wrong and what needs to change.
“Knowing who he is, from what he feels inside him” – as simple as that. It’s like we go into this crazy tandem of ignoring/denying our feelings therefore not knowing who we are, while trying to fit into the societal definition of who it says we should be, wanting to develop something we can identify as self. It would be so simple if we can just stop and cut all the crap.
If either women or men don’t honour there natural sensitivities they are building themselves up for a fall.
I knew a friend who had 2 boys I knew these boys from birth, the eldest had a rotten time growing up. His father put so much pressure on him as a child as he was the eldest and as such a lot was expected of him so he had to toughen up. From young he was not allowed to cry he had to do everything by the book of how to be a grown man with responsibilities. It was so clear to see that the little boy’s father was passing down to his son what had been passed down to him from his father and this has probably happened for generations as the behaviour was ingrained. So my questions is when are we going to break this cycle and raise our children in a way that they know they are loved and understood for being who they are and not what is expected of them.
This insidious cycle stops with us as we reflect a different way that is simply felt by others.
The moment we do not honour the truth that lives within us, we hand ourselves over to all that opposes such truth. In this way we have created an external world that is at odds to the inner world and so created a divide deep within us.
Liane, thank you – it is indeed that simple and yet it can be hard to speak up or act when we have spent eons being quiet. And so this is such a powerful way to break the mold and make a change.
“Women and men feel this pressure in different ways, but it is still asking them to do the same thing… to override their feelings.” My boarding school experience many years ago confirmed this – and I lived with it for many years, burying what I truly felt. Learning to express feelings is so important and I love the fact that my grandchildren can do this so freely.
The consequences of men toughening up is that we now have a large amount of men who suicide. This surely is telling us that the way we are parenting boys is incorrect.
Great point Elizabeth, soldiering on and becoming a tough guy has a lot to answer when it comes to depleting us from our essences and thus opening us up to ill energies and suicide.
Suicide is a way of calling out for help and saying enough is enough. But when will we actually stop to listen and truly change the way we live and relate with each other?
I was amazed the other day that a man I knew who seemed to be a ‘tough nut’ shared with me that one of his dogs had died and he and his family are devastated. I have known this man for at least 30 years and for him to be so open and raw and to share his feelings with me was to me very special. Men are absolute softies at heart and it is a crying shame that we as a society expect them to be hard and unfeeling. When actually most of the women I know are dying to meet a man that is caring and sensitive, warm and loving. So where are we going wrong?
Yes. once you get through the ‘tough nut’ exterior you find that men are indeed softies inside. They need to feel safe to do so.
Yes, underneath the exterior is the tender sensitive man.
I agree, men are beautifully sensitive, despite any hard exteriors.
Clearly the message given to men to harden up has backfired on us as can be seen with the rate of suicide in men. We need to give men permission to show and to honour their tenderness and sensitivity.
We can also see it in the rates of violence, domestic violence, addictions and other self harming behaviours.
I often find that the men who I know, who are brave and strong, are the ones who are willing to show how much they care.
I work with a lot of men and it is a joy everyday to witness their tenderness and sensitivity when they allow themselves to show it.
This is such a huge lie
“that is real men, don’t have ‘feelings’.”
We have imposed on both men and women to fit a stereo type, to fit the pictures we have fabricated and for both sexes it has left them devoid of who they truly are.
Hardening is not men’s exclusive patrimony. Ignoring the body is not either. By and large, humanity lives in protection. This reveals how much we live in mistrust of others. And how much our mistrust only provides incentives for others to not open up. To this state of things, we have to add, how the hurts we carry turn ourselves as not trustworthy either. Fear helps to delineate the being and as a result, we consider ourselves only as human.
I remember the same, the toughest men in my environment were celebrated. The trouble was that I didn’t have the body to be as tough and careless of as those men so that never quite worked for me.
In a world that champions denseness in all its forms, it is far easier to ‘play hard’ and ‘harden up’ then it is to let your innate tenderness be seen and felt by others. We see here the makings of a true man are not found in the degree to which he has built his armour but more so in the degree he has been able to let it go.
Yes, showing your feelings and sensitivity is considered a weakness in society today, especially so with men. Allowing oneself to show your vulnerability is the true act of strength.
If feeling and sensing is an innate part of being human, then why are we raising our men to shut this part of themselves down? Or to dismiss it? I can see how this has many ways of playing itself out and of having an affect on society in general – an affect that not all, and perhaps most of us want, and yet we still continue to live with it. Thanks to articles like this one however, there is the tide of change coming our way. With young men like this taking the brave step to speak out and to live as a sensitively beautiful, strong and masculine man.
I love the fact that we now have the term ‘toxic masculinity’ for it is a very first step back into the direction of the true essence of the man. Who we are as we are born is who we are in essence, everything that get’s changed through our lives is an adaptation away from this essence. So if you recognise the tenderness, sensitivity and delicateness in a small boy, know that this is his essence and will remain to be his essence no matter how much older he will get.
The words are powerful as it openly displays that what we have championed for so long has far from supported rather poisoned the natural way men express.
Before we can truly accept the sensitivity in a man or a women we must first accept it in ourselves. If we have hardened ourselves to life as a way of protection though this is false and keeps us disconnected to all we can access when we sense all that is going on… a quality worth allowing.
A good point Victoria. What we don’t accept in ourselves we wont be able to accept in others around us, be they men or women.
I know someone who has seen untold misery and atrocities during a time of war with both sides inflicting so much damage to each other. And there is this tough barrier that they have put up against all the hurt that humanity has inflicted on each other and the land. But underneath the armour plating there is an absolute teddy bear of a man so soft and extremely sensitive and the armour plating is there to protect the sensitivity but he also loves it when this is recognised and honoured.
beautiful Mary and yes do we not all love to be seen for who we truly are? Allowing us a moment to drop the guards and simply be.
I have met many of these teddies and was raised by one as well!
What if “the real strength of a man was never found in what he could lift or pull physically in life, but rather from the love that comes from within him by knowing who he is, from what he feels inside him?” This makes absolute sense instead of the lack of connection and hardening our men are imposed to be.
Yes, the trouble is that if a man starts to show love he is derided until the love is so strong that the derision just looks silly.
All too often, young boys are treated with such disdain and/or dismissal if they dare to show thier sensitivity. But what if what they truly felt was honoured and appreciated rather than being ignored or treated as if they are weak and ‘unmanly’? This could change the whole face of how men and women relate to each other in a very positive way and ultimately benefit us all.
I am around men who know their gentleness but depending on their years of hardening, may need some patience to acknowledge/accept this truth about themselves. As a woman I can only see this when I realize my own hardening and start to discard this back to the truth of my gentle and delicate self. When one person starts Living Truth, it allows the reflection to ripple, no matter how long it takes.
We insist on this hardening of our young men and then we complain because they don’t get us when we are in a relationship. This stance is clearly not working when men are suiciding left right and centre.
Do women add to the ideals and beliefs because they want to be in a relationship with a ‘real man’? Do men harden because if they honour how they are feeling it will highlight how tough women are becoming and they would have to do something about that as well? It seems we all play the game because we know if one domino tumbles they are all likely to go.
Agree Lucy, it is a game both men and women play. Honouring our sensitivity means chucking out the ‘rule’ book. Being willing to be truly ‘naked’ with each other.
Do men harden because if they honour how they are feeling it will highlight how tough women are becoming and they would have to do something about that as well? Is that why we champion and, dare I say, even encourage men to harden saying we only want to be in a relationship with a ‘real man’?
I want to read more and more blogs like this. Boys are struggling to know who they are and how to honour that as they grow up with the fear of being tender and gentle in case they get called a wuss. What is with that? Surely we can give our children space to stay connected to themselves and not impose our own hangups and restrictions of how we coped. Perhaps the reflection of that way is too great a reminder of how far we have all gone from our innate tenderness.
I agree Lucy we need to see more and more blogs like this but even more so, more and more men who are willing to let go and live their natural sensitivity and tenderness. The men I know who do this do not only inspire the men and boys around them but the women just as much as they are a major part in this as well as they need to learn to except men in their natural expression, see the beauty in them and then..surrender to this themselves.
I love that you are essentially asking – could we have mis-shapen half of society? and could we have got it completely wrong when it comes to men and who they naturally are? And what would be the impact on the world if we allowed men to be naturally tender, naturally sweet and not demanded they be tough, macho and shut down to what they feel.
I can feel that critical ‘don’t be a wuss’ arise in me, it is so deeply ingrained. I was sent to boarding school when I was six and experienced the ‘only babies cry’ derogatory expressions, so I learned to cry silently under the pillows and never in public. Most of us have had a similar experience where we were actively discouraged from expressing what we truly felt. Even at the ripe old age of 68 I sometimes hold back to avoid criticism, although I am learning to express whatever I feel to and not care about the possible reaction. It is very liberating!
Doesn’t this really highlight just how much responsibility we have in raising children or in any interaction we have with children? Just one small saying can lead to a lifetime of unhealthy behaviours.
The “Harden up!” people need you to be affected by their rhetoric. If you just laugh at them or, worse, aren’t affected at all, then they really don’t know where to go from there.
Finding ourselves in a dire circumstance will show that it’s not our muscles or money that gives us strength but the essence inside of us that is eternally beautiful and cannot be diminished by anything.
Very true Joseph, it is when we are physically vulnerable that we see the essence inside that is unaffected by the outside, what we do, say, think. It is not interested in the accolades or the job titles, it is interested in connection, in tenderness, in Love.
Now that I have re-connected to my tenderness it feels so horrible to be ‘hard’ though I lived so many years believing that was the way to be successful as a man. Oh how we have been tricked.
This reminds me of the phrase “being true to oneself”. What if this was the way of being that was supported in life rather than being what is expected of us.
It’s like we’re asking men to ignore they body (as in toughen-up and not feel when something hurts physically) and also ignore their sensitivity or any emotion that may come up for them – but this stops a man from having any chance of being able to truly process whatever emotion may have come up, which cannot be healthy.
If men stop and show how deeply tender and caring they are it shows how hard so many women have chosen to be. For we all know inside the same delicacy.
Well said Joseph, at our inner-being we are the same.
A wise man said the other day that every man is female inside. Wasn’t that just an eye opener to feel the level of sensitivity that every man is within.
Now I have discovered this tenderness in me, it’s a horrible feeling to be hard, restricted and withdrawn. It takes hard work, love and space to open up again. Your words Joshua encourage me to honour what I feel more deeply and to absolutely treasure this flow inside me, to the point that I never want to sabotage or let it slide again.
I have worked along side men in an industry dominated by them for a long time and what I have noticed is a softening of their behaviour. May be because I’m getting older or for another reason but now when I talk to men they are much more willing to admit they are really softies at heart and they appreciate someone seeing this part of them and they are able to relax as they don’t feel an expectation to play a part.
Could it be that you have changed and they feel safe and not judged and can therefore open up?
Standing in the rain in summer uniforms , sounds like a story from a prison camp, its hard to believe its a school in New Zealand.
I like this part about what is considered as ‘dealing with this world’ and what is not. Because maybe the man who is all hard in his body and unable to express himself, his feelings etc. is the one who is struggling? Maybe it is in the dealing with, that we are left without. Maybe it is not about managing or coping at all, maybe life is about finding joy.
What a gift when men express as their tender, gentle selves as you have shared here Joshua.
Josh this is a great sharing that allows me as a reader to feel the impact that ‘tough’ has on men. It is so sad that we know how to override what we feel simply because it is not ‘ok’ to be who we are. I am blessed to know men who are deeply tender and loving, and it is gorgeous to observe. But it is about allowing this from both men and women and showing that the real us is sensitive and tender.
Joshua thank you for sharing such a ‘close to home’ topic, one where we get to really see how society has setup what ‘real-men’ are and boy oh boy have we got it back to front. Men, from my experience, are tender, gentle and deeply loving – why are we asking them to be anything but that?
This is such a great topic to open up Joshua. Everyone in the world could be experiencing the same feelings, emotions or anxieties on the inside but feel completely isolated that they were alone in this if we didn’t actually talk about what’s going on for us!
Susie, I can so relate to what you are sharing here. From childhood to young adulthood that is precisely how I felt and I didn’t talk about how I was feeling for precisely that reason – I felt totally isolated! However, if I had dared be honest about how I was really feeling I would have realised that most others would have felt the same.
This pressure to be a certain way – both men and women alike, we think that that is how others would accept us, but I am one of the ‘others’ in other people’s life, so do I embrace everyone, including myself, as who we are, allowing, accepting and appreciating ourselves to feel and express everything we feel?
Men have the feeling that being tough with softies helps them to protect themselves as a group. What in true they do is to shoot themselves in the foot by eliminating the reflection of their true nature.
It’s sad when you hear adults saying to young boys that they should harden up or that they should not cry. Just the other day I sat with a six-year-old who was not well and stated several times that he wanted his mother. Only to be told that he was a big boy and didn’t need his mother. I just sat with him and honoured the fact that he was vulnerable and then the following week he rushed up and flung his arms around me.
Ironic that instead of wanting to be called a wuss for making choices that care for ourselves we end up cowering and hiding under layers of armour and protection of hardness.
I love how you point out that you could handle the situation but that that is exactly what hurt.
We are made to believe that we need to handle life instead of living it from our innate tenderness and the love we feel inside for everyone.
Imagine a superhero being upset with having extraordinary powers. This is how absurd it is that we shy away from our feeling senses. We have made them a subject of guilt when they are a key part of our true essence. Thank you Joshua.
Beautifully said Joseph, to feel and be tender are indeed our super powers.
It is such a weird idea to think that real men don’t cry. I wonder who came up with that notion because it is so far from the truth. I work with lots of men and whilst they may pretend that things do not hurt them they are very sensitive and hurt just as much as women do. What a disservice we have been doing to our men in believing that they need to be tough.
I have read few articles about how we are raising young boys to be quite hard and protected recently. It was quite compelling to read it ‘straight from the horse’s mouth’ so to speak and to hear your first hand experience of it. There was a real sadness that came over me when I read your words, about how society is raising our young men (and women) to not truly honour themselves.
I hope we see a change of attitude to bringing up our young men much the same as with gay marriage, women’s rights etc a lot can change in a generation. I feel that allowing bits to remain sensitive, tender and open would significantly impact our lives in so many ways I would predict a reduction in domestic violence for one.
Many times we have experienced that showing our vulnerability and fragility was an opening for ridicule and attack and yet hardening and toughening up is not the answer either.
All the shoulds and should nots in life do not compare with the wisdom of the inner heart.
The problem starts when we start to see things as normal in life when they are actually not. Like sitting in the rain with no proper rain clothes on or an umbrella is not normal or healthy, it is very normal to feel this in this way but that is something we don’t confirm often to each other in life. Yet it is important to start voicing these things so others who feel it too but may not feel confident in expressing this so can be inspired and confirmed.
It is very beautiful that you can see this and still choose to be tender and sensitive clearly so.
I am continually shocked at the pressures that are placed on boys from such a young age to harden up, not to cry, be a man etc. And I can see how challenging it must be for a boy to begin that hardening up process when it is going against everything that he is feeling inside. But I can also see that boys make the choice to align to these societal norms so they can fit in and to not stand out as being different. But as you ask so wisely “at what expense?”. From what I have observed the expense is huge.
The expense is great and vast affecting all areas of society and men’s health.
Thank God you didn’t listen to those messages!
If we build a society based on function and not love, then we will naturally seek ‘machines’ instead of men.
It would take enormous strength for a man to go against the current norms of society so that they can remain their tender, sensitive selves. This to me is real courage.
Bringing men up with these ideals and beliefs leaves the whole world at a loss for the tender, loving strength men bring.
And you would think that something like this is such an old paradigm that it would not happen in this so-called enlightened age… But literally it is happening to millions and millions of children every day all the time. Any man who knows that the true quality is tenderness needs to stand up and be seen in all their beauty now.
Beautiful Josh, the true power of a man is to have the strength to appreciate and share his tenderness with all and in doing so inspiring others to connect to their own tenderness.
True strength to me is the ability to love and understand others no matter the circumstances. True strength is to surrender, to let love in, to invite others to see your fragility.
In fact the whole world is set up to not allow men and women to be who they really are. We are fed all kinds of images, ideals and beliefs of how we should be and behave through our parenting and education systems. Although there are also real good things in parenting and education we must not close our eyes for that what we, mostly unconsciously are fed with. Can you say you are still the same as how you where as a child, only now in an adult body? I certainly not as I am experiencing the impact of all the held beliefs, images and ideals day in day out.
If we teach kids to override their feelings – what kind of world do we create? One where the truth is second to the bravado or face we put on? Essentially it’s teaching kids a dishonest, uncaring and disempowered way to live. Whereas teach a child to honour how they feel and live from that and you’ll have an amazing human being.
It’s beautiful to be with a man who is not afraid to express his childlike qualities. Who connects wth how he feels and honestly shares from his heart.
Beautifully and powerfully said Josh, a true man is his natural self with no imposed ideals of ‘manhood’.
It is straight out abuse to ask a man to harden up because more and more I see the sensitivity and tenderness in men and to ask or rather demand that they not live true to who they are is abuse.
This is very true Elizabeth however if we condone abuse with ourselves by virtue of withholding our true expression, we will accept such a withholding in another because it does not expose our errant ways.
For ages I thought about hardening up to be a man as relative only to topics like sport, drinking and working hard. But now I have started to see our precious delicacy begins way before that. It’s in the way someone speaks, or holds their body around you, or even the way they move. If this isn’t about Love and adoration we know is true then we often react. This is the true depth of sensitivity we know. Your words here Joshua help me understand why we as men struggle in this world, but also the amazing power and awareness we all know.
It has been absolutely beautiful watching my Brother in Law let go of all these hard intrenched beliefs of what its to be a man and to realise that this wasn’t him. To see how naturally sweet and tender he really is and for him not to be cautious of showing this. I Love spending time with him and how joyful and playful he is because of this.
Natalie It has been beautiful to see the transformation of your brother in law as he connects more with himself and his body.
Embracing, understanding, allowing and celebrating just what we feel is a huge breakthrough for men. For so long we have been sold the idea that coping or tolerating with all sorts of things is a definition and symbol of strength. Today we know as you expertly show Joshua that our power lives in our willingness to feel – everything. If only we started to champion this as much as we do our favourite sports team we would see the real game that has been played on humanity for so long.
This is huge – important – real and finally revealing the truth of what is going on in our world and the tenderness we are missing – as we have made the opposite our standard.. So equally for men and women there has been no true education on this – to be living from our tenderness.. Observe this truly, because that can change our world.. All we need is our willingness to see the drops of truth and wisdom that are there to be seen and lived by – our delicate, tender and precious us.
When women or in truth any one us who have not accepted the tender, delicate nature of their own sensitivity we will not accept or appreciate this quality in another. Women can equality be tough, hard and rough as a form of protection.
We are all deeply sensitive beings and so many of the behaviours we can take on in life are actually in reaction to expressing what is very natural and true for us.
Everyone in society loses more than we have let ourselves compute or admit by castigating men and young boys into the toughie basket where ‘feelings are for ‘wusses’’ and not for real men. The tenderness in the real man that lets his sensitivity be who we he is, has the power to melt the toughest and coldest machine – and as a woman it is that solid holding that communicates so powerfully that it is ok to let myself fully surrender and not push or try, but simply be the real me.
What I know is true is that now that I no longer endeavour to hide my feelings and appreciate my tenderness I feel far more a ‘real man’ than I ever did trying to be the ‘hard man’.
It would be hard to feel like a real man when ones movements are covering up the true movements of a man.
Very true, Kim, however, until one appreciates one’s tenderness one does not realise this and keeps believing and striving to full, the belief that being a ‘real man’ is by being hard.
Totally agree Jonathan, men are very blessed to have men such as your self offering the reflection of a tender man, so that such consciousness can be broken.
It takes *real* courage to be able to say – call me a wuss or some other silly name but I won’t change what I know is true.
I have witnessed that it is the man or woman who has not accepted his/her own sensitivity that is inclined to throw around words like ‘wuss’ or any other denigrating name towards another. It is from their protection and sensitivity.
To me a real man has always been one who was strong enough to express love. To me this is where true power and strength resides.
I agree, a man who is strong enough to express their love, you can feel the power in him
Absolutely, surrendering to tenderness is the new weights to build a body of love.
Real men are not afraid to be tender, delicate and gentle real men living like this will inspire the world.
Great question Josh, What if being a real man is not wussy at all…, through Universal Medicine I have met several men who know exactly who they are, they are very connected to themselves and have no difficulty expressing exactly how they feel, and there is so much love in their expression too, there is a huge strength in the way they are, and they are definitely not wussy at all.
You are right Josh, toughening up and bullying does not stop at the school gate – it’s a way of life we’ve all accepted as the norm – women too. I can see from your story how much harder it would be for men to reclaim their tender selves. At least for women there is some scope, some acceptance, for fragility.
That is true. It is also true that women can bully as much as the men, though with different tools.
Absolutely women can bully as much as the men. With different tools.
“What if the hardening and bullishness we felt at school has never actually stopped since we left school and we have instead adapted to a way of life that is constantly avoiding being labeled “the wuss in life”? Maybe we have got so used to it that this seems to most to be the norm in life.” Most definitely Josh, where I work it is mainly women but they too have that way, and I’ve even had someone say, “he needs to toughen up” and this is about a 11/2 year old boy.
It must be so tough for men to be who they truly are in this current world we live in. All the hardness they are expected to be and live in, the expectation that they don’t cry when they are as sensitive as women are. There is so much that we can all learn from each other and that is to just be allowing and not treat each other with such expectations, but understanding.
I agree Elizabeth. We lose so much as a result. When a man lets himself be the truly tender and sensitive man he is – that is what melts us. That’t when we feel truly held to let ourselves be, and drop into the preciousness we are as women.
Thanks for the insight Josh into the ways in which men (and women) shut themselves down and harden up to people and life. It is no wonder we are able to become so seemingly insensitive to the harshness of so many of life’s interactions. I have always like the analogy of the baby and how it is we start out… with that level of sensitivity and responsiveness to that harshness remaining intact underneath the toughened shell of protection we present with on the outside.
For a long time I have felt and heard and seen that men are, as you say Joshua not as tough as we seem. But still what persists is a sense that this world around us is not ready to see a man who embraces his true delicacy, his tenderness, his effervescent feminineness. But is that actually true? And have I lived this way and seen what may take place? For we need inspirations and role models who don’t subscribe to hardness and building outer walls. It hurts us every day to continue to live in a rigid and protected way. So I don’t want to apologise any more for the sweetness and sacredness I have in me.
it is interesting to see that in many ways and in different circumstances we are constantly fed with idea that you must and can override, or even ignore your feelings of tenderness and delicateness that men and women both equally have and carry in their bodies. We all know these situations where we have felt like Josh, that we are asked to shut down that connection with our feelings and instead become hard and tough, but why is this so and do we continue with living that ignorance to our essence in our lives?
Your tenderness and sensitivity are lovely to feel Josh, honouring who we are in truth is so important, ‘What if being ‘real men’ is not really growing up at all but is really a process of honouring and deepening your connection with your feelings? To not be hard. To not be tough. But rather to be the gentleness and tenderness as a man that as a child he always knew he could be?’
Great question, ‘What if being ‘real men’ is not really growing up at all but is really a process of honouring and deepening your connection with your feelings?
Thank you for sharing Josh how boys are raised to be hard and tough, I can say that this is also the case for some girls, it was certainly my experience as I was growing up, ‘‘You are a Machine… you do not have feelings’.This meant that things like being able to cry, or showing hurt or any ‘soft’ emotion was totally overruled’, thus setting the pattern to go through life in protection until we choose to heal this false way of being.
Whatever is your focus that is the way you are – real yes, but is it true – a true man?
I would love to see this paragraph hanging up on every building site, hospital, GP clinic, various workplaces etc to remind us all that there is a lot more to men than their physical strength –”What if being a real man was actually really empowering because the real strength of a man was never found in what he could lift or pull physically in life, but rather from the love that comes from within him by knowing who he is, from what he feels inside him?”
This was the most timely and wonderful blog to return to today as this has been a topic that has been in my consciousness for a few weeks now. As I observe the young boys around me heading towards their teenage years I can see them slowly beginning to ‘harden up’ in some ways but then they can just as easily be very tender and shedding a few tears doesn’t faze them. I know that they are heading into a world of hugely ingrained beliefs as to what a man ‘should’ be and there is little I can do about that except to continually acknowledge their innate tenderness and their sensitivity and honour them for who I can see they truly are.
Interestingly it is their sensitivity and them not knowing how to respond to the demands from the outside that make them harden up. It is quite crazy.
Working in a school I get to see how our youngsters have already developed their toughened personas. It’s tragic that we don’t nurture and allow that natural tenderness that is in all of us, but learn from such a young age to hide who we truly are. Thank you for opening up this conversation Josh. It’s something we need to keep talking about.
I remember from kindergarden/nursery was when I was encouraged to toughen; up we loose our sensitivity and tenderness from a very young age.
Sensitivity is not a weakness, that is for sure, everything about it says true power. It is a complete lie that many of us are still towing the line to that hardening up makes us strong. Incorrect. When we feel and are willing to feel everything available then we have access to wisdom beyond us and our physical life – this is true power.
Sensitivity in men is often seen as a weakness and we tend to bury our sensitivity to show we are a ‘real man’. This ‘real man’ image negates many of our natural qualities like tenderness and gentleness. At school there was much peer pressure to prove your manliness – sport was one way of doing so – but I also felt I had to prove myself sexually. It was a time of great conflict in my life because I felt deeply sensitive but the pressure from my peers was such that I also felt I had to override my feelings and just prove myself in their eyes and be accepted. The fear of rejection was very intense. To meet other men, like Josh who know their innate sensitivity is very healing and honouring of the true sense of self that has always been in me and will always be so.
Thank you Josh, for expressing what so many men have experienced. Our feelings have a true purpose and when we deny or negate them we negate something important. We are sensory beings for a reason and our senses work together to communicate with us about how to make self-loving choices – if we listen to them. I know that we never stop feeling no matter how hardened we become and the decision to start listening to them once again, rather than burying them, has opened communication once again and a connection to the deeper wisdom we can all tune into within.
I agree our feelings have a great purpose, we cannot ignore or deny them.
Just the other day, I had a phone conversation with someone at work that I had never met before, and how he spoke – the tone, the speed, what he was saying – everything about him was just so tender and I actually went into a bit of comparison and felt exposed that I was more in a male energy than he was. It was a bit of a shock, but a beautiful marker nonetheless, that there are men who do not hold back their tenderness and unreservedly inspire women to come to their own tenderness too.
The hardening we experience on all levels in our society to me is a response to the lovelessness that its in as when I bring in love, this hardening is actually not there and are people prepared to show their delicateness and tenderness without any restraint.
I see the hardening of boys every day and work with the most ‘difficult’ in my job. These boys are always the most sensitive, sweet and vulnerable children. The overt messages that boys are not allowed to cry or be gentle is abusive to their true natures of tenderness and the innate strength that comes from being in touch with that tenderness.
‘What if the hardening and bullishness we felt at school has never actually stopped since we left school and we have instead adapted to a way of life that is constantly avoiding being labelled “the wuss in life”?’ – The separation from what is true starts so early in life and continues through our formative years and then we go out into the world and are faced with more of the same. Boys particularly are pressured to be all of the things you have mentioned Joshua denying the loving and nurturing natural way within. This highlights the awareness for me about where this unhealthily cycle can be interrupted so we can start to change what is happening, stop the reinforcement of separation and make our focus re-connection and brotherhood.
From experience I would say men are possibly even more sensitive than women. Sensitivity is not a sign of weakness.. AT ALL, in fact it takes enormous strength to honour ones sensitivity at times.
I would say most men are even more sensitive than women, they often hide this by not saying anything. In truth being sensitive is a powerful gift.
It feels like society is scared to nurture gentle tender men and honour our natural sensitivity, because the power of such a man is so much greater than what it is we have been nurturing in asking men to be unnaturally tough and hard. And such a man ask questions by his mere reflection, and exposes that which is not equally being lived in others, both men and women.
Being a tender, sensitive man is so powerful, and to be able to show that in the world is the most amazing role model for all of us..
This is so important to talk about with so many men committing suicide in fact in the UK it’s the biggest killer of men under 45. We need to really change the way we are bringing up our children so that they are able to be themselves in their vulnerability.
I agree we need to change the way we are bringing up our children, the high level of men’s suicide is a big warning for where men are currently at.
Josh, what an exquisite blog exposing how boys are raised into hardness and unable to express feelings incase of being a ‘wuss’/ The tenderness in which you now choose to live your life is palpable and felt in every word you write. Thank you.
There is nothing more powerful than being who you truly are, and who we all truly are is deeply loving and sensitive.
Also what could be more real than being who we truly are!?
It is beautiful to see men like yourself Josh allow your natural tenderness and gentleness out – once viewed as being a sign of weakness in a man it is now reflecting to other men the power and strength these qualities hold.
An exposing and true expose Josh on the expectations, ideals and beliefs imposed on boys and men in our modern society; such a sad indictment. However as you have pointed out these ‘norms’ are not the true nature of boys and men; it is men living and inspiring as you are that will change this culture.
Spoken like a real real man Josh or should we say True Man? For in truth we are all deeply sensitive and tender and it often takes courage to connect to and express that in a world that asks us to be everything but who we truly are.
You can live a life as a tough and courageous man, and you will get through intact – probably. However, what is difficult to understand when you live from behind such a guard is what you are missing out on, and what a relationship with your own tenderness actually can offer you and others. That in itself is quite a bridge to get across. However, once across it, you wonder what ever took you time to get there.
What I am starting to see, is there is always an opportunity to share in a tender way the thing I am feeling. This doesn’t mean I have licence to blurt imposing words out, or indulge thoughts or beliefs I know are not true, but to express how my body feels inside, right now without trying to put on a show. I have never seen this way of being fail, but the other extreme ‘toughness’ one has certainly lead to a lot of hurt for everyone. Thank you Joshua, for your beautiful sharing and offering the opportunity for men everywhere to unlock their inner feelings.
It is so tragic that we impose such ideals and beliefs onto men, to be tough, not show their true emotions and to not be who they truly are in essence.
I agree Reagan. And it starts when they are little boys – I watched it happen to my own son. However he has had amazing support around him in more recent years, that has allowed him too to reconnect to who he is and to not be afraid to express himself in his true essence. But although there are many who do not have access to this kind of support, at least there are men in the world today who are now living who they truly are, and how beautiful and deeply inspiring this is, for all men, boys, girls and women alike.
And in really connecting to this inner knowing of the true quality that I hold within and the sadness in me having signed onto the ‘norms’, it is even more encouraging to work on appreciating our essence as men and work on uncovering the beauty that we all hold.
Beautiful blog Joshua, it is indeed a very ingrained way of life for many men to stay in the hardness that we all have set as the norm to be a man. And it is so much more inspiring to see a men that is not going with this trend and have the courage to stand in his own sensitivity.
The longer I live, the more I can see that my life and relationships are transformed when I am fragile and prepared to go deeper with me. As you so beautifully show Joshua this is the direct opposite of what we are told – thank you so much for speaking up and helping men everywhere to break the hold these ideals have on us.
Wow what a great blog inspiring me to take a look at how I don’t want to be a wuss still in my life. I remember how boys were teased by saying to them ‘don’t run like a girl’ etc. and I was determined to ‘show them’ I was bigger and tougher. I really went to town on this one and am slowly accepting myself and my fragility. And the beautiful strength I have is when I am honest and allow my vulnerability because it’s in those moments I reconnect with me and the strength I hold in just being me.
This is a great question that you are asking here Josh – “What if the hardening and bullishness we felt at school has never actually stopped since we left school and we have instead adapted to a way of life that is constantly avoiding being labeled “the wuss in life”? Maybe we have got so used to it that this seems to most to be the norm in life.” I completely agree with this. I work in health and I see men for example who are living in such a way that there is a symbolic fortress around them in order to protect themselves from been hurt or rejected. When this is the case sometimes the only way to get past that fortress is to develop an illness and disease that brings you to a point where you are prepared to not worry about what others think of you but instead focus on yourself and how life is for you.
I totally agree Elizabeth… its like having an illness or disease gives them permission or an excuse to drop the facade and to show their true selves – their vulnerability, fragility, tenderness and care… and this can be the same for women as well!
Re reading this blog and particularly the part back in the school yard… how often do we feel something and know that others are feeling it to but we hold back and don’t speak up in fear of being called names. I have done both…, shut up and spoken up and have had others say after, thank god you said something. So for me now I try as best as I can to speak up on behalf of everyone, because shutting up just says yes to whatever the situation is.
There are many ways of being tough as a man, by building up physical strength/size, by acting aggressively and also by becoming mentally tough, but the true nature of a man is someone who is sensitive, tender and willing to show all that he is.
Most men, if truly given the space in a way that is honouring of their own being, will open up and quickly drop their tough guy act. If you take them momentarily out of the cauldron, they will respond. What this proves is that open-ness is innately within all men, but such are the guards of some that it is deeply hidden. What all men need more than anything in order to express their delicate side is to feel safe – safe from ridicule, and safe from the world that would otherwise judge and ridicule them for being so.
Very true Adam, no one wants to be ridiculed, even happens for women too, as in my case afraid to be the sweet delicate woman I am in case my friends who have always known me to be tough and strong make fun of me.
What a wonderful blog Josh, illustrating the awful pattern and ill we have in society today to indoctrinate into young boys and men to ‘harden up’. That it is quite the opposite that we have to foster and grow in boys and men, to be sensitive and gentle.
I think it is damaging to ask people to harden up and override their feelings too – we don’t have to indulge in reacting emotionally to our feelings, that would be harmful too, but that doesn’t mean we ignore our feelings altogether.. Universal Medicine have helped me to develop much greater awareness of what I’m feeling and to understand also how I can either react emotionally to that or respond with a wisdom that is connected with from inside of me, a wisdom that we all have access to, and never do we not, but we can certainly choose to override, dismiss or not connect with it because we are trying to fit in, meet an ideal or ‘get through’ life.
Things like this are said so often and very rarely if ever do we stop to feel the impact on our bodies… especially in schools, it’s shrugged off as a joke or just something that is said amongst boys or girls. Even reading this heading threw me back, as it was so harsh, and shows how devastating words can be, even more powerful and harming than a physical action.
There is a fear in every man that if he truly opens the door to all that he feels, then he will cry for a lifetime, that there will be only grief. So better to keep the door shut. However, what he fails to realise is that whilst there is grief waiting on the other side, it is only so because it has been buried, and so of course when re-connected to at first it will feel intense. However, that pain to be honest is only short lived, and beneath that is a deep sense of joy, of being, of life, that we have equally shut the door on, waiting for us to reconnect to.
Being real and vulnerable as a woman with a man and observing how that feels is an interesting process. I could feel how a man could feel everything a woman feels and there is immediate deepening and at times a discomfort and not wanting to acknowledge their own feelings which is undeniable from the behaviors observed. This process then opens up a man to express more of the feelings, in fact, intense feelings he has felt in the past which are not addressed but nevertheless felt and accumulated to be once again expressed. Men are deeply tender and very beautiful with their honesty of feelings, just as women are.
Reading this blog, I find myself recalling leaving school and moving into the work place. I was literally in shock when I discovered the school yard antics were also played out in the workplace. I may be naive, but I really thought that adults behaved with more integrity. The shock of this left me feeling bewildered and lost. Very quickly afterwards I remember hardening and becoming pompous and arrogant, a way of being that I have had to unravel, back to the feeling the delicacy of the innocent young woman that I began work life as.
I just love your last paragraph Jonathon and believe it emphatically – a real man’s strength is not from their physical capabilities but from the depth of love that comes from them truly knowing who they are and living that in all they do. It is shocking the messages that society projects onto men to be something they are not innately designed to be… and as a whole we all suffer when these messages are taken on and lived… for we are denied the innate qualities of a man’s true expression.
Just the other day I was talking to this guy who is in the building profession and has a very bad cold – he was saying how he was just being silly or a wuss, and that men make a big deal out of a cold – it even has the name ‘man flu’ and is a way of saying that when women get sick, they get on with it, but when men get sick its the end of the world – there was even a cold and flu medicine advert showing this once. I said it him that in a world where men are never allowed to be soft and express that they feel fragile – at least let them feel sick! There seems a constant tussle between each sex now to out tough the other.
So lovely to read and feel the gorgeousness of a man honouring his tenderness and sensitivity – the rest is just a false shell that serves no-one.Very inspired to cherish my fragility.
I like particularly your last questions Josh, “What if being ‘real men’ is not really growing up at all but is really a process of honouring and deepening your connection with your feelings?” It brings the whole growing up, becoming somebody and fitting into the world to a new perspective. Do we really need to toughen up or is it ok and also possible to live life with the tenderness and delicateness we are born with?
Thank you Josh. To give ourselves permission to be tender and feel our fragility and to honour our feelings….this is rare in society today so to lead the way and be that is super inspiring and enables us to change age old patterns of behaviour, changing the quality in how we relate to ourselves and each other.
There is only one way to feel what emotions we have absorbed in life, and that is by being vulnerable and open.
This push to disconnect from who wwe are and what we know is true is really horrible and true evil. Then we get the backlash when we turn this around and cop it from those who have successfully hardened themselves. Realising how this has been done, how we have been pushed to harden, how this has taken us away from recognising our feelings and how this is not true manliness or true toughness, is essential for everyone. When I think of true strength, it is of someone who is honest about how they feel and who stands strong in this; It is someone who does not go with the push to conform, but goes with their heart. This is strength to me; Someone who does not have to prove themselves by doing anything and calls for help when needed; Someone who is secure within themselves.
What a true window into what it is men are being confronted with in this day and age. It just shows that it really does take a great deal of courage to stay with ones delicateness and tenderness as a young man. Well one to you Josh, to stay with what you feel to be true, and to show others what is needed in the world today.
I am so delighted that I returned to your great blog today Josh as I know a young man who I feel would really be supported by reading it. He is a very sensitive person, just like you, and this sensitivity is obviously very confronting to many of his peers who are continually picking on him, but what I feel probably bothers them the most is that he does not pick on them in return. I would hate to see him begin to harden up to protect himself from this verbal abuse, and for him to bury the refreshingly honest way he lives, so I will definitely be offering him the opportunity to read about your experience that you have shared with such wisdom.
All boys that are now men have gone through what is described in this blog… besides a couple of cultures around the world that still tend to foster the delicateness of men. i.e. some cultures in the middle east believe of not.
I say it takes great courage to go against the trend and feel the friction of going against what has been taught to be a man. Real strengths comes from an inner knowing that needs no confirmation from the external world.
Inside the confirmation comes from our inner expression.
When men show their true tenderness the hearts of women melt.
I observe the extra pressure that is put on our boys in society in regards to this subject- this then shapes the men we have. With domestic violence being so ever increasing we might want to look at how we are shaping our young men? A recent report read
‘Some national studies show that up to 70 per cent of women have experienced physical and/or sexual violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime’
These statistics indicates to me that we have got something majorly wrong, men are just like women – in lots of cases even more sensitive. In my opinion Domestic Violence is an indication of suppressed emotions coming out on others- ie: woman/partners.
I watched this program on mens mental health yesterday and what was great was that it was about men all over Australia opening up to talk about their emotions. The men themselves were really noticing the difference in how these relationships then supported other relationships in their lives. I love that this is happening because men are so worth it, tears and warm clothing and all.
This is beautiful what you share “What if being a real man was actually really empowering because the real strength of a man was never found in what he could lift or pull physically in life, but rather from the love that comes from within him by knowing who he is, from what he feels inside him?”
Some of my school years were spent in an all girls boarding school. A fantastic opportunity to grow in harmony with other women – but instead it was a place where we were encouraged to harden and become young ladies which most often meant hiding our true feelings and doing what society expected of us.
Great exposé Joshua of what really is an epidemic of overriding feelings that is resulting in men dying more from suicide than other diseases; that is horrific. Could this be one direct result of the unloving way we bring them up to not feel comfortable with being themselves and vulnerable and tender? Thank you for sharing this so openly.
Josh – real men are deliciously honouring, super tender and their strength lies in who they are – not their physical toughness – you nailed it.
It is said that men are more emotional than women, even those men who hide behind the facade of their intellect. Why? Simple. Men think that by ignoring what they feel, that they are in control of it. The truth is however, that that which you ignore is simply left to grow and fester untended, and so if you don’t acknowledge what you feel, it will end up owning you anyway in ways you don’t even realise. Better to be an emotional mess and at least be honest about how you are affected, than to bury and hide what you feel under the guise of being calm, only for it to surface in a much uglier way down the track.
We live completely bullied by the images we are fed from young about how we as men and women should and shouldn’t be so as to keep us small and playing less than the true majesty we are.
‘Real men’ don’t cry because they have spent their lives building a fortress around their heart, mistaking protection for strength. True men allow themselves to feel all there is to feel without the need to hide it based on how they will be perceived in this state. In a world that prides itself on excelling the outer shell at great expense to the inner being within it, living from the heart takes great courage, as it is not the socially accepted thing to do. A truly real man lives what is true and to the best of his ability will not override it to simply fit in to a way of life that is not true to the essence we all have deep within – love.
It is my experience too Josh that what we are told it is to ‘be a man’ is the very opposite of what we are here to do. Or really that should read ‘be’ because this doing thing just seems to be a big trap, a carrot we keep pushing on to catch, all the time packing away our true nature in a box and slipping on the latch, never to be opened again less the world should see that we care. We are in reality like weathervanes for harshness, rudeness, and abuse. We are like canaries in this bigger coalmine designed to tell the world when the atmosphere or place is safe. If God has blessed us all as men with this sensitivity then, swift may we see a world where we claim back our true delicacy and support all to know their inner divine and royal role.
I cannot help but adore any man who cares for himself, and I mean truly cares. Cares that he doesn’t want to stand in the rain, or that he needs a walk at lunchtime, or that he loves reading to his children at night.
“What if being a real man was actually really empowering because the real strength of a man was never found in what he could lift or pull physically in life, but rather from the love that comes from within him by knowing who he is, from what he feels inside him?” Yes, yes Josh. So lovely to re-read your post. Having witnessed the crazy lengths some go to in the recent Rio Olympics – they are a far cry from honouring their bodies as you so describe.
Being loving and caring of our bodies is not wussy. It is sensible, pragmatic, brings more joy into life and in my experience when lived without defence or need to justify, is very inspiring to other men.
This is so needed Josh, it is time to begin breaking down the stereotypes and conditioning we have put onto men as a society, allowing them to begin being the sensitive and tender gentle-men they naturally are.
I have witnessed parents pushing their sons into hard physical sports like rugby knowing they will experience hard knocks and injuries. Some even offer their children physiotherapy treatments at the end of each season to address injuries. But why place our delicate and tender sons into this position in the first place. It’s a barbaric practice seemingly seen as part of being a man. And regrettably we now have women’s rugby teams.
The ‘ill-education’ starts so young, doesn’t it, and is particularly insidious when it comes to the way boys and men are expected to behave… “Man up”, “be a man”, “grow some …..” Have we TRULY stopped to listen to what we are saying and confirming for every one of us here? Do we not actually KNOW the tender sweetness of a young boy and what we are asking of him to deny in himself, that he may fit ‘the picture’?
Men are being castrated here, in the illusion that they are being empowered by the ‘tough image’. Any denial of a man’s true, deeply loving and tender nature – that never need be left behind in the boy – is energetic castration, condemning the man to difficulty in expression, identity, self-worth and likely mental health and relationship issues for the remainder of his life.
Are not the alarming statistics (statistics meaning people) for male suicide enough for us to be called to truly look at just what we are permitting to occur under our very noses?
Thank-you Josh, your claiming of the true man you are is invaluable beyond measure.
Josh, this is a brilliant sharing – one that is sorely needed globally today and for many, many years to come. Men most certainly cop such pressure to be all that they are not, more ‘directly’ as you say – and to what avail? We have a society intent on harming itself, where abuse of ourselves and others is so ‘normal’ that most barely blink in its presence… Thank-you.
For any reason we have learned that being a ‘wuss’ is something that we do not want to be labelled with but why? As we are naturally all that what is being recognised under the label of being as wuss, what are we in truth avoiding to live as men in our societies? I always have disliked the images that where presented to me from society that told me how to be as a man in this world, being hard and tough, valued by your deeds and not by your being. I am now learning that I can be sensitive, caring and tender as men, and while some people may find me a wuss, this label does not have any hold on me anymore as I have chosen for a way of living and being according to who I truly am, not buying into the collectively held image of how to be as a man, but connected to the universal way of living that naturally shows me how to express the true quality of living as a men in today’s world.
You are right Joshua; hardening up means to leave what you know is true.
It is possible to “Get on with life” while still being true to yourself but this is often presented as a trade off:
Life is tough, so you have to be tougher.
You have to study hard so abandon your artistic pursuits.
I have a mortgage now, I can’t afford to be social.
You don’t matter unless you have a job.
These trade offs lead to compensations:
I work hard; I don’t have to do housework.
I go in hard during sport so I deserve a few beers
Being the strong silent type means its okay to withdraw.
I am under a lot of pressure its OK to be a bit overweight.
You can see how we start on this path early and keep accumulating habits that are unbalanced, and then spend our lives justifying our lifestyle.
This trade off was never necessary, we just had to hold true to ourselves, and not harden. Oh well, it’s never too late.
What comes to me by reading this blog: nobody wants to be a wuss, we want to be….what ever. But how would it be to accept where and who we are just now? To busy ourselves with ‘what could be’ or ‘how I should be’ seems to me exactly like that: we hold ourselves busy while existing and ‘get though’ life instead of simply living it. Right now.
Josh, what a man you are by becoming more an more aware and unfold the true, sensitive you. ‘The world’ does ask us to be in a way and we can learn so much out of this. What a grace that we are a part of ‘the world’ and so are able to bring a change here.
I buried the ability to cry under a wall of protection when I went to boarding school and have been trying to lift that wall for the last 25 years. Real men do cry.. that is the point. They are not afraid to show and share their vulnerability and their feelings… to risk being fragile.
Honouring what we feel to be right for us is really important and to do this takes more strength of character and courage than it does to do as we are told and harden up. One takes strength and one takes hardness – I know the one I feel is more valuable.
Crazy thing is, l can see and say the same about girls and women teachers in school. So much goes out to them about ‘toughen up’, ‘harden up’ and you will really excel in life.
Growing up with brothers who were all influenced this way, l grew up hard with them. lt’s what was seen as normal. l’ve been working on a new normal now for many years. One that honours my tenderness, innocence and delicateness. Life has increased in quality since l have worked on improving mine.
” So why keep the hardening going? Why continue to be the machine with no feelings instead of honouring our feelings?” Great question to ponder in all situations. What other choice is possible here. Your blog exposes much to ponder.
“they have all had to go through a process of hardening to not be labelled the wuss in life”. So true and sadly l’ve felt this of myself and I’m a woman. One of many who have hardened to be accepted by her family and by society at large.
I find it so beautiful to be around a man who is living from the tenderness and love he is holding within and expressing this. I am fortunate to have lived with three beautiful men who live like this- my husband and my two sons. Their reflection is inspiring for me.
Men and women alike have to reclaim their true nature and stop living from false images and pictures. The only way we can do this is to listen to our bodies and know what is real and what isn’t.
The idea of being labelled a wuss or on the opposite spectrum, thinking it great to be hard and tough is very ingrained for both men and women. Today I overheard a conversation about a team sport match where one side was down several players, so every one on the field was working extra hard, with a few sustaining injuries and staying on field. The person describing the situation then said, of course, some were ‘girls’ who would just take themselves off field and sit down for a rest for a minute or two. And this was for a girls team, so to be called a girl was derogatory. Why do we celebrate disregard for our physical well-being – it is when one is over-stretched that injuries occur. And why are we now imposing the same expectations on our girls as our boys?
Josh, thank you so much for exposing the hardness in our lives. It made it very obvious that living like this is not very healthy at all as the constant overriding of our bodies has to have an effect on our health.
“We are asked to be ‘strong’ in life by ignoring what we know in our hearts to be true.” Perhaps we have to ask ‘who is asking this of us?’ It has taken one man, Serge Benhayon, to live with tenderness and love in honouring what he feels in his body for many men to realise that there is immense strength and power in listening to their body and what they feel and not be dictated to by their head and what they think others will think. .
Thank you Josh you have exposed the harsh and harmful consciousness that is imposed on men to be tough, by being you and standing strong in your vunerability and tenderness you have inspired many others.
I find it very interesting the beliefs and ideals we take on from what is said and going on around us. What strikes me which I hadn’t really thought about before is the belief (which a lot of men take on) that men are not supposed to feel because if they do it is not seen as manly. This belief prevents them from feeling because I have observed the fact that men can feel and it is incredibly beautiful when they admit that they do.
It is obvious to me that there is nothing even slightly ‘wussy’ about being loving and expressing what we really feel as it is clear that fear is what keeps us silent and shivering away in the cold while it rains on our heads 🙂 How strange it is that the threat of being singled out as weak encourages us to keep playing small. The way you express shows that you are no longer afraid to be who you are and say what you feel Josh and this is extraordinary.
I remember meeting truly tender and sensitive men for the first time at the Universal Medicine Vietnam retreat in 2103. It was such a profound healing for me, they were respectful, their love and care was felt in every moment, they cared deeply for themselves and honoured and shared their feelings. Every tender man felt strong and heart meltingly beautiful. This was the first time I had not been around toughened, hard, shut down men and it was deeply supportive for me. When a man is supported to express his true sensitivity, love, and care to himself and to others everyone benefits.
I loved reading your blog again Josh, it really exposes the false expectations of how boys and men should be, hard, without feelings and should be able to with stand pain no matter what. How crazy are these expectations? It seems to be geared to suppress who we truly are. Both men and women are equally sensitive, delicate, loving and have feelings, to be encouraged to suppress this is deeply damaging and I can clearly see the effects this is having on our society and our relationships with each other at schools, work place and even our homes.
“I felt that my voice was only speaking for me and not for everyone and that I would have been seen as a sook for not handling the conditions if I said anything to anyone.” I have spent this life and many others not speaking up, staying in silence, not honouring my body – all from the concern over how others will react and what they will think of us. But this ‘voice’ in our bodies, is the one that speaks for all. By honouring ourselves we honour others, so even if they may not agree in that moment, by expressing how we feel, we are changing the culture of ‘put up and shut up’ that is sadly so common in life, and offering inspiration to others to honour their feelings too.
Josh well written about this subject of hardening up and not being a wuss. This is no coincidence that we are brought up to disconnect from our feelings. From this we are like a ship without a compass and we are steered in ways that is not possible if we had discernment on our side.
Men fear being emotionally hurt more than anything. They would rather take a physical beating. It stands to reason then that there is actually great courage in being tender, for it is through tenderness that one allows themselves to feel the world – the good, bad, and ugly.
There is a saying ‘man up’ that was very popular for awhile and was not only said to men but also to women – basically if they weren’t being tough enough or weren’t overriding what they felt, often said in jest these sayings seem harmless but are far from it when they are designed to undermine and reduce our natural expression and feelings.
When all most of us want – in truth – is to have a deep connection with ourselves and others (ie to love and be loved), what sort of society have we actually created to support that? There is nothing ‘wussy’ about ‘wussy’ (!) and all of us – men and women alike – have much to learn from this… To begin to be more honest about why our bodies are so hard and protected, – and instead of denying the natural delicateness and sensitivity we are, – to embrace and honour it…
Thank you for sharing. I was caught up in a similar situation at school, I had to harden up else I was known as the weakling. You would be pushed out of the group left with no friends. There where things I never wanted to do as it never felt right in my body I had to do. Sometimes I was so scared to go to school because I knew what was coming that day. I have very horrible memories of school when I was either bullied or had to join along with the group.
Even though I have come to see that there is a delicate and tender quality to the real you and me, what is amazing is how there is this part that carries on like machine ‘regardless’. Like ‘that is nice Joshua but hey I have got a pile of work to do…’ It seems like such an ingrained way for us all to be. What your words show here is that the strength and feelings we have live in very small moments and choices. It is when we disregard and over-rule these, we get sucked into a place where we have to either toughen up or quit life.
Imagine taking a young child and forcing them to run a marathon. Consider asking a new born boy to fight and compete against another human being. Picture making a son, speak harshly or ill of anyone. You could not do this without first forgetting your heart. So as you say Joshua why is it different for grown men? Why do we see ‘growing up’ as necessarily loosing this delicacy? For in the end, we must all return to understand its this love and tenderness that we are truly made of.
Recently a group of boys of various ages accompanied by a couple of adults got on the train. I observed one adult had a tough and rough bravado going on and was the centre of the attention, the other was aloof, not so tough, in his own world with a can of alcohol. The boys ranged from one so tough in stance and voice that I was shocked, to one who seemed a bit awkward and intently observing the older ones, trying to laugh at the right time and to fit in. Then there was the youngest who was sweet and innocent just tagging along.
I wondered how long before the sweetness of the youngest boy turned to the tough & hard adult or the given up character I was witnessing. This progression has been accepted ‘normal’ for far too long. So true “Why do we see ‘growing up’ as necessarily loosing this delicacy? For in the end, we must all return to understand its this love and tenderness that we are truly made of.”
Recently a group of boys of various ages accompanied by a couple of adults got on the train. I observed one adult had a tough and rough bravado going on and was the centre of the attention, the other was aloof, not so tough, in his own world with a can of alcohol. The boys ranged from one so tough in stance and voice that I was shocked, to one who seemed a bit awkward and intently observing the older ones, trying to laugh at the right time and to fit in. Then there was the youngest who was sweet and innocent just tagging along.
I wondered how long before the sweetness of the youngest boy turned to the tough & hard adult or the given up character I was witnessing. This progression has been accepted ‘normal’ for far too long. So true “Why do we see ‘growing up’ as necessarily loosing this delicacy? For in the end, we must all return to understand its this love and tenderness that we are truly made of.”
Sometimes I do presentations to just men, and it is a wonderful feeling to be living a life where tenderness is innate, and to be able to communicate that without words.
Great blog Josh. I do see some changes in men who are aware of what has been going on for centuries, and women recognise the need for changing the way we relate to our sons and therefore how we rear them. Many of the loving and insightful Parents of today are already making the difference in their way of Parenting their children. Universal Medicine through its founder Serge Benhayon is a wonderful example of a tender loving, gentle man as are his sons.
Boys really are put through the mangle from an early age in terms of the ideals and beliefs that are instilled in them about being a man. However, there are an increasing number of male role models in the form of fathers, grandfathers, sons and brothers who are evidencing that it is entirely possible to be ‘all man’ by being’ the gentleness and tenderness as a man that as a child he always knew he could be’. When men become successful, respected and admired for being recognised as having these traits, that’s when true change begins.
What if being a real man was actually really empowering because the real strength of a man was never found in what he could lift or pull physically in life, but rather from the love that comes from within him by knowing who he is, from what he feels inside him? Absolutely Josh, every man is equally loving and tender inside and needs beautiful reflections like yours to show them it is okay to be this.
We all miss out when we pigeonhole or label men and women as what they are not. Looking back on my school years I can see now who were the guys who did show their tenderness and the ones that hide it away so not to be teased or ridiculed. Having two boys/young men in my life has completely changed how I see men, which has brought up sadness of how I have treated males over my life from buying into the beliefs of men having a thicker shell. They have taught me so much, and it has been awful observing how some girls treat boys with a lack of respect because they are male… like they should like to be kicked or punched and be rough with. How we are as adults reflects to the younger generation of how to be as a man or woman.
Very true Aimee – how the next generation expects men and women to behave is based on the reflection we are offering as parents and adults now. When I look around, it’s clear that we have a long way to go to even start to change the norms around the common stereotypes but there are certainly some, (adults and children), who are very self honouring and loving and these people are definitely being noticed by others.
Yes Helen, there is a long way to go and it very much starts with how we are with ourselves and the hurts we carry that influence how we interact and meet males and females.
Being a real man would be to honor and express from our natural tenderness
Reading your blog again Josh reminds me of this strong and powerful message for both men and women that we don’t have to be hard, tough and pretend not to feel to fit in, by being ourselves is already enough.
For girls the pressure is on to be thin in adolescents and for boys it very much about muscles and strength, there is a missing ingredient for both of them and it is self love, trying to navigate all that is thrown at them with a strong foundation and sense of self is fraught with challenges and in the end many opportunities to learn and develop.
Thank you for sharing this Josh. ‘It was painful because I knew in every cell in my body that what I was being asked to do was not loving for me.’
It may seem like a simple thing but how often do we harden to cope in a situation rather than say no? As adults we have the power to walk away but as children we feel stuck and less powerful in these situations. It’s time for us all to express this more.
Your right Kathryn, we do often ‘put up’ with things to avoid making a fuss or simply because we want to finish what we are doing etc. The abuse we are perpetrating on ourselves is enormous yet we think we are getting away with it because it just seems like an isolated incident and that it’s over and done with when we’ve finished doing something. Thank you Josh; you have given a beautiful account of how early this behaviour can start, especially in men.
It is so unnatural to act and be hard, we can feel it in our body and this can cause tension to ourselves and others. Whenever we hide our feelings we contract our body and the more we do this the harder it is to be tender, soft and gentle. When we look at nature, we can see clearly that strength comes from fragility, gentleness and consistency. Just by studying the way water flows is a great example.
This is a great point chanly88 – hardness has a detrimental affect on the body and it makes absolutely no sense to ‘toughen up’ if we want a truly vital and loving body.
A beautiful and important sharing Joshua, I can feel a deeper level of responsibility for us all to allow and encourage men in being in their tenderness and to honour all they feel.
I do as well Anna, to reflect to others that to care and support ourselves and not override what our body is telling us is a strength and one to be honoured and appreciated.
So often we are asked to override what we feel, being sold the line that it is “mind over matter.” A false motto if ever there was one.
“What if being ‘real men’ is not really growing up at all but is really a process of honouring and deepening your connection with your feelings ……… knowing who he is, from what he feels inside him?” Great blog for all to read Josh and an opportunity for men of all ages to ponder on.
Awesome Josh I love your definition of a real man as someone whose strength ‘comes from within him by knowing who he is, from what he feels inside him.’ This is true strength rather than physical prowess that is currently championed by so many. Here’s to raising children to honour their feelings rather than encouraging them to constantly override them.
Hear, hear Helen. I love what you’ve shared, raising our children to honour their feelings instead of overriding them is assisting them to build a strong foundation to life. Being attuned to their feelings is one of the greatest strengths.
This is a beautiful topic Joshua, what I have always experienced is the pressure to be the man that can stand a bit of pain, not honouring what we feel. But this is so far from being strong, as the love we are is the true quality of who we are, it is a great strength to be able to feel what is going on, so we not have to react, from the otherwise hard facade we build when we choose to not honour our feelings and push through life.
I agree Benkt, the greatest strength is to be able to feel what is going on. This comes naturally to us, it takes more effort to resist this and hide our feelings. It’s funny that we can all feel how comfortable and the tension of hardness yet most people seem to be celebrating it and encourage it.
A real man is someone who is tender and can express their love and who they truly are to everyone. Their strength comes from their inner most and allows others to feel their nurture, tenderness, love and support. Not allowing yourself to connect to these natural abilities makes you a ‘sugar cube’.
Well said Lindellparlour, I totally agree. I find it extremely beautiful and I get drawn to people who allow their true self to be seen and celebrate it.
When we treat our boys and men in the way you describe Joshua, not only do the men harden to protect themselves but, in that reflection, girls and women do also , as we all play along with the same game of endurance and toughness and deny our true delicate nature.
I live in a small country town and the main industry is dairy farming. You can see both the men and women in this community have hardened and it is forced upon generation after generation. Needless to say there is a lot of illness and disease in our town and amazingly the community is hardening to this as well. They are accepting that if you get cancer it was just a matter of time until your number was up. When you harden, you harden to everything in your life and your body has to wear it.
And you hear people say ‘he worked hard all his life’, or ‘he would never give up’, confirming this way of living as something to celebrate instead of questioning is this what has now made him ill or has hurt him.
This is so true Jenny. Everyone plays along to protect themselves and avoid getting hurt, so often there is not a lot of truth in the way we interact.
If one person dares to drop the guard and show their delicate sweet self they have the capacity to inspire others to do so also.
Dear Joshua, this blog should be read in all schools, there are young boys and girls, even up to teenage years, who are all very sensitive and very aware being told to toughen up, man up, and much more. Even young boys when upset about something being told ‘ you don’t want to let anyone see you cry’, this one comment can affect them deeply for life. Our level of sensitivity should be cherished and embraced.
I agree Gyl, everyone of us are very sensitive. Teaching our children to harden up, hoping to protect them from life actually has the opposite affect. To be attuned to our sensitivity and feelings is the best protection of all and by simply being ourselves. When we master the ability to not reshape ourselves in any situation we have clarity, strength and steadiness to cope in any situation. Our strength in being who we are, this is so powerful that nothing can perturb us when we know the absoluteness of this true power.
Having re-read your blog Josh, it reminded me of getting into fights at school and having to put up a front that I wasn’t scared or worried, but deep down I didn’t want to hurt someone. I wasn’t that worried that I would get hurt myself as I was full of anger and that seemed to over ride any physical pain that I may endure, but I would never back down from a situation even if at my own expense. It just shows that the level of hardness and protection built up by the age of 15. The ironic thing is people thought I was quiet and shy so I would be an easy target to bully, but underneath there was a raging volcano. It just goes to show how falsely we present ourselves to the world believing that these personas will protect us in some way.
Well said Josh, both men and women have an innate tenderness within themselves, and yet we choose to harden up to get through life, because we are scared to show our vulnerability, and how truly delicate we really are.
Great comment Sally, but why are we so scared to show our true self, our true power?
Recently I have been so aware of the ‘holding back’ in those around me, (in myself also) recognising the self built wall of protection ‘the hardening up against life’ which is resistant to letting go and letting anyone in and, to really feel and express what needs to be said. To really feel and to express to another and ‘honouring the truth’ of how we feel allows no room for misinterpretation of any hidden agendas. An inspirational blog Josh thank you.
Powerful to return to this blog again Josh and feel how this kind of ‘endurance’ of life’s events is a kind of heroin for men. The tick of the box of ‘getting through’ is like a hit we use to replace the gorgeousness of being truly gentle men. Yesterday I had the chance to share my feelings for a dear brother of mine, in front of a crowd of people. We both cried and let ourselves feel the warmth of our connection and relationship we have built. Afterwards, I felt a sense of confirmation that this sharing and caring quality is absolutely what we are here to bring to life. Thank you Josh, again, for this insightful piece on being a true man.
There are now many men who, with the inspiration of the Benhayon family , are recovering what has been seemingly lost for a very long time , which is the truth of being a man, and as this awareness deepens, the very livingness of these men will inspire others until the old paradigms will fall and crumble
Both men and women fall for playing these roles to our detriment.
Loving this sharing Josh. Yes ‘office politics’ This got me remembering certain bosses and how their moods completely set the pace for the day. Their body language said it all, hardened driven attitudes/behaviours which dominated that environment the knock on effect could last for hours. Where as another day, when the fun and lightness could be felt (expression improved amongst the staff) and so much better relations between everyone, more work was achieved in this environment. Gentle/tender open and expressive light hearted boss – this was certainly reflected back in the staff.
I love your blog Josh, you have so beautifully revealed that we don’t have to be hard or tough to be a man or a women. We just have to be ourselves, there is no need to prove anything or do anything, and we are already amazing just the way we are. I can see that most of us out of fear of what others may think, choose to hide the fact that we have feelings and act tough. This creates major issues within our lives that stems from our deep hurt of not allowing ourselves or others to express our feelings and love. It is a crazy way to live upholding a façade of hardness and protection, keeping everyone out and separate, this is not at all loving yet why do we choose this? We can choose at any time to live expressing our truth, our feelings without having to hide any part of us but to celebrate our delicateness and tenderness that is so naturally innately part of us.
‘What if being ‘real men’ is not really growing up at all but is really a process of honouring and deepening your connection with your feelings…….to be the gentleness and tenderness as a man that as a child he always knew he could be?’ This is real permission-granting, Josh, which is desperately needed because this is so deeply ingrained, cemented and embedded out of a need to fit in and feel accepted by fulfilling a set of norms. Norms around ‘manhood’ that appear to be driving our lives and are most certainly holding men to ransom at the expense of their true expression and connection to what they know they feel.
Well said Josh, in so many ways work places definitely can be and are a graduated form of what goes on in the school yard – the trick is not to get sucked into the ‘play time’ of it all.
I remember Suse finishing school and being thankful that it was over. Then I started work and realised that office politics was just an adult version of what went on at high school. What I have realised is who you are goes with you where ever you are or whatever situation you are in. Changing jobs or moving interstate doesn’t change the person as you’ll still be in the same patterns. Recognition and acceptance are two important keys to allow change and end your patterns.
I’ve known many men for a lot of my life who have hardened up and played the tough role of a man and in more recent years I’ve met a men who honour their tenderness and the beauty that is there in allowing themselves to feel and be in this innate quality that they have. Once upon a time, being so hard myself, I preferred the tough act from men, but now this is very different. As I’ve let go of the protection within myself I value the tenderness that is so divinely gorgeous in men. This to me is a true man.
This is beautiful Josh. As I was reading this I was thinking to myself there is such as strength in letting ourselves feel what’s there and not harden up. It is beautiful to know this in people especially men as there is such expectation of how men should be, which is so against their natural way of being.
“What if being a real man was actually really empowering because the real strength of a man was never found in what he could lift or pull physically in life, but rather from the love that comes from within him by knowing who he is, from what he feels inside him?” Josh stunning article and one that I would love to give every growing young man on the planet.
I absolutely agree, a real man is someone who is prepared to express themselves, be loving and tender and show the deep care that he has for others. As a woman there is nothing more stunning then to be met by a man who is tender. I have learnt so much from men like this and there is nothing more gorgeous.
There is so much pain in the way society put regulations on what a ‘man’ should be. In doing this many miss seeing the tender beauty and strength in men, and many men miss the glory of expressing in their true glory.
Love the end bit Josh, “real strength of a man was never found in what he could lift or pull physically in life, but rather from the love that comes from within him by knowing who he is, from what he feels inside him?” It was a great example you gave with the school assembly.. I use to get called soft at school as I stopped staying up late and going partying. A lot of people don’t realise that there is a lot of strength in staying with how you feel and expressing that. This should not be overlooked.
Because of societies expectations, judgments and pressures all men live under the the impression that to be a real man they have to be rough tough and hard – basically iron man with his super human strengths and the burden of having to save the world. What is truly sad is that a rough tough and hard man hides all their best qualities and their true strength – their tenderness and gentleness and their ability to hold and support others in that quality. The more men like you Josh that claim these true strengths, the more other men will be inspired to do the same. Great blog.
Beautiful Josh and so true. Your blog touched me deeply because it is so sad that children are still being brought up this way. In order to survive they have to suppress all that they feel inside of them to such an extent that they just can’t feel anything anymore. For me men and women that know themselves from the love that comes from within them are the real deal.
By seeing how some men allow all of their tenderness to show, I have come to deeply appreciate men again, and when I see that tenderness and melting, I love it. We have got so far away from the truth in men and in women that as a society we value things like tough and not showing any feeling, and that is painful, as you say, it hurts to override your feelings, and to pretend to be tough. It hurts when you are a child and it hurts when you grow up. The other day I saw a dad in the park shouting to his little boy: “don´t cry, don´t be such a girl”, I felt the pain in the boy and in me, and the pain of using girl as an insult, of using feeling and expressing as an insult. We need people like you, like me who are learning to be aware of what we feel again and claiming it.
Many Men are starting to see past the blatant stereotypes of what we should be. But reading your words again Josh I am touched by just how “to push hard” is deeply ingrained in everything we do. When we no longer tolerate anything that is not loving, we are supported to deal with what’s not true. But if we all continue to push on through at our expense, then isn’t the world missing out on seeing our true richness, power and strength?
“What if being a real man … was never found in what he could lift or pull … but rather from the love that comes from within him by knowing who he is”. When you wrote this I could not help but think of Curtis Benhayon.. there are other examples for sure, but Curtis has been a profound inspiration for me of someone who possesses the physical attributes, but really it is the deep tenderness inside him that defines him.
Reading your sharing about the school assembly, I remembered how it was like for me. Being at school felt like being on a belt-conveyor in a factory assembly line where we were getting prepared for our life after school. You keep getting pummeled mentally and physically until your sensitivity blows its fuse off and you become totally numbed so that you would learn to just obey and not question however unreasonable and unloving the world presented itself to be.
I have recently witnessed what days like the one you have described and what it prepares us for. I watched a college graduation that was for Masters and all other degrees below that was outside. I was threating to rain but it continued anyway. There were over 300 people that were waiting for the piece of paper they were to receive or their efforts and hard work. Halfway in filling the seats it got cold, windy and started to rain sideways. The first speaker said that we would not all fit inside so a last bit of discomfort after all they had done to get here should be easy to handle. We in the stands had umbrellas and we were cold, wet and miserable. The soon to be graduated were soaked. Just at the end of the ceremony the sun returned they were cold and wet but had that piece of paper.
Josh I would love for parents of boys to read your blog, and treat their boys with love and care and allow them to feel and express who they truly are. Men and Women are naturally tender and loving, what a wonderful World if we were encouraged to be so!
I am ‘lucky’ enough to know many ‘real men’ who are connected to their tenderness and preciousness – their true strength is incredible to feel. They are role models for all men today, and their children, both sons & daughters, get their reflection and are able to choose a different way of being. Thank you for being a real man too, Joshua.
I have experienced feeling the tenderness and sensitivity of boys especially my brothers when I was younger but then to have this beaten out of them so to speak as they grew up. It is incredible how these innate qualities are not accepted in our society for men or for women as there has never been the understanding that these feelings are naturally there within us to be expressed. These qualities are now being known, accepted and understood as per the teachings and presentations by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
I remember being toughened up at school along with everyone else – and how miserable it made me feel. I couldn’t understand the purpose of it (still can’t).
Thank you Josh for sharing this great blog, as you say this is a problem for both genders as every one is asked at one point to override the beautiful tender being we all knew to well at sometime in our youth and were asked to leave that behind to survive and exist in the world .What if we started to treat our self with loving choices and made the choices to make all our relationships about love and a tender way , with people of both genders and ages as would to a young child..
I grew up in a boarding school and it was brutal at times. Imagine a dormitory of 10 young boys all who had been separated with their parents on their first night at school. Each boy holding in the feeling of how sad they were actually feeling and acting as if it was all ok. It starts young and the ‘toughen up’ game is ingrained very early on. Your blog exposes why men have a hard time expressing their feelings. Great blog Josh
Being sent away to boarding school at 11 it felt like the only way to survive was to quickly learn to hide my feelings and this learnt behaviour has caused me a lot of pain.
Gorgeous Joshua, and in answer to your question our world we be a very different place. From what I have observed of men is exactly what you describe, a man’s strength is entirely all about his connection to his tenderness, so deeply inspiring to feel, thank you for stating it so.
Josh, what you have written here is paradigm shifting. The whole concept of males growing up to be hard is one that is going to take a bit of time to ‘soften’. How awesome is it, that we have Men like you in the world, to have these insights and lead the way in how it really should be. Please keep sharing your insights far and wide, they are so needed!
Totally agree Amelia, Josh has exploded the myth that to be a man of any value you need to be strong in mind or body. Love has to come first it is all that there is and men are from love.
Brilliant sharing Amelia, I totally agree. What Josh reveals is amazing, we don’t have to accept this hardness as the ‘norm’, and it is not a loving way to live. Putting these false expectations and ideals on ourselves and others is simply harmful and feeds a chain of misery. Josh is showing us that it is possible to break free from this cycle and that we can choose to connect to what we deeply know from within, our inner strength, our power and our love. To express our feelings and be true to who we are.
humanity in general has really lost direction of what it means to be a man… And this is again what Universal Medicine is, by the simple everyday presentations, building bridges for every man to return to his true nature, and to feel who he truly is.
This is a great blog Josh, and I can feel how I have been trapped in this idea of needing to be the tough man, and being able to endure suffering. But now as I am more connecting to what my body is telling me the need to be tough and just ignore those feelings is really going down, and I am learning to live in a more honouring way.
A great time to re-read this blog as this morning I joined a gym.
And the same thing goes as what is said on this blog, which is everyone around you is telling you to toughen up and if you are experiencing pain endure it.
As I entered the gym not a single word is spoken between me and the other patrons in the gym but everyone was speaking loud and clear. It was along the lines of, real men come to the gym. Even though no one was obviously watching each other it was apparent that the guys were constantly comparing. If you didn’t already have a sense of self-confidence one could easily get lost and develop a drive to get big and push their body to the extreme.
Instead I took the approach of only lifting what I could manage, taking the time to adjust the equipment to the height and not focus on what the guy next top me was lifting but respecting what my body could lift at that stage. As naturally I would get stronger as I trained more.
Thank you Josh for an amazing blog. Ever since I can recall I remember being taught to override what I felt physically and to hold back true expression. This was one of the most painful things I ever chose to align to because in doing so I lost myself. This ingrained pattern has been very difficult for me to break. Good on you Josh for choosing to do so much earlier on.
Thank you for sharing your experience Kate, I think a lot of us can relate to this. I certainly can, from a young age I have been taught to not feel, not to let things get to me, to just endure things that was not loving. I have chosen to do just that and to override my feelings, to hold it all back and to not express. It is a difficult ingrained pattern to break away from, but it is always possible because we have the ability to change anything by simply making new choices that no longer feed our loveless old behaviours and patterns. Every day is an opportunity to clear what was not loving by choosing Love and truth in every moment. What a blessing this is, every moment is an opportunity to make a new choice.
Josh you are a living, walking, breathing example of tenderness. It is in your eyes, your movements and the way you speak. It is this quality that melts the hardness and protectiveness to re-connect with our essence and deep sensitivity whether we are a man or woman.
Josh such a beautifully expressed post here, agree there is such pressure for men to not be ‘wusses’, but to be hard enough, not cry.. to be, or show the ability that he can be, and is, ‘the protector’, such that this ideal and belief pushes out his naturalness of tenderness. You end us on a note of power with your words here: “What if being a real man was actually really empowering because the real strength of a man was never found in what he could lift or pull physically in life, but rather from the love that comes from within him by knowing who he is, from what he feels inside him?”. Agreed.
Zofia I agree with everything you have written here from the powerful amazing blog Josh has written to the power that he expressed about being a real man. There is no question about the strength of men being love as this is a natural feeling within men and women that needs to be expressed and not held back.
Hardening up and ‘soldiering on’ is imposed upon us as a coping strategy, offered as a false protection by those who have not allowed themselves to feel how very sensitive they are.
Beautiful Josh, thank you for sharing your true strength in this blog, honouring what you feel and expressing it. We are all naturally sensitive beings if we allow ourselves to feel. It is often the hardest of exteriors that covers the most sensitive beings as a false protection. I feel we have misinterpreted sensitivity as an emotional weakness when in fact it quite the opposite as you highlight here.
So true Josh. We are all missing out the moment any person is not bring who they are. Society celebrates and rewards the physicality and toughness of a man, the denial of feelings and tenderness. I truly appreciate what has been honestly stated in your blog and know with the amazing men starting to openly challenge societal ideals, things will begin to change.
This is true ch1956. We are in need of men showing their true colours just being themselves and setting examples of how real men naturally are so this becomes the norm and not the abnormal.
You express so much here Josh that we can all learn from. When you recounted your experience at the school assembly I could feel I would have been the girl that over-rode the cold and damp and ignored what I was really feeling….and if you had sat next to me and expressed what you were feeling I would probably have said you were a wuss and to toughen up or if I didn’t say it I would have thought it. Josh I love the way you have honoured how you felt and not numbed yourself to the situation as I know I would have done. I have spent the last 12 years undoing all the hardness and pain in my body from not honouring what I felt. Your blog can support both men and women to begin to understand that it is ok to listen to your body and keep expressing this rather than blocking out and numbing ourselves and in so doing hardening our bodies and losing our sensitivity.
I loved this blog Josh. The patterns of behavior that exist at school carry over into the workplace with men needing to override their true feelings in order to ‘fit in’. The real strength of a man comes from “…the love that comes from within him by knowing who he is, from what he feels inside.” Beautiful.
Beautifully expressed Josh. This begs the question: what do we as a society perceive being strong means? It seems that we have overlooked the true meaning of the word and only focus on the physicality. That being strong is someone that is tough, sturdy, durable and hardy. A strong man for me is one that is connected to his heart, his tenderness, his essence, knows who he is and honours his body and how he feels and expresses from this knowing. With this his potency is lived from within and reflected through his body all that he does and is shared in celebration. This is not a force or toughness but a natural quality that is SO gorgeous to feel when you are met by a man in this way.
Its true Carola, the idea that physical endurance and capability are the mark of strength shows that we have lost connection to something far more beautiful than that. The strength in a man’s tenderness and expression of his love is enough to melt the thickest fortress around anyone’s heart!
I feel every person (including men) want to express this sensitivity, however as Josh has said it has been overridden to comfort to the normal of being tough and hard.
A huge shift will occur when this sensitivity is respected and nurtured in a young child’s life.
This will be a huge shift Luke, brought about by more men providing a living example of being strong enough in themselves to express their sensitivity providing us with more examples out there of fathers, work colleagues and mates who are not afraid to be themselves.
A new definition of strength has to be shown. As it takes strength to go against the trend and share everything about yourself, especially when some do not want to see. I experience this rawness (sensitivity) everyday, sometimes I get lost for words however I wouldn’t give it up for anything. I can see people benefit hugely from me living this way as it offers a young man who isn’t closed off, dismissive or aggressive.
This is such an important issue in our societies to start to discuss. I teach 12-18 year olds and see all the time boys exploring what it is to be a man. I can never get over how they override pain when playing sport – it is championed as you say. I remember seeing a top league football game and I was sitting right at the front – the bodies of the players were so physically hard it felt like robots playing. Where was the essence and beauty of the actual person? How crazy to define oneself through the ability to override feelings and become tough at the expense of losing who you really are. So many students go to the gym and take steroids to gain muscle definition to physically look the ‘tough’ role too.
Josh, I love your blog and what you offer in it, so many of us get into living in a hardening way that is just not us and actually hurts us deeply, and yet we often cling onto those ways into our adult lives and compound them. And we don’t have to, yes there are ideas we may have taken on along the way which are not us and don’t serve but if we actually honour us and live that honour we open up the space for tenderness in our lives, and it’s such a gorgeous quality in men (I adore it) and in women (it’s grace). Thank you for asking us to stop and consider those ways where we’re not our true tender selves and where we’re actually hurting ourselves and others by not living that.
The messages that are imposed on both men and women as children and beyond, is a crime. Denying and overriding what we feel is one of our greatest pains, disconnecting us from the true sensitive, tender and precious beings we are and the strength that comes from honouring and expressing that.
Samantha, I just love how you express and summarise. Thank you.
Wow Josh – that sounds like true strength to me! I know some of the most tender men – and I can say that they have so much strength in simply claiming who they truly are 🙂
What if that were the norm!
The truly strong man is the one who honours what he feels inside of him as his truth, treats his body with love and respect and is caring and gentle with all he interacts with. In living that way, he has enormous courage and enormous strength because that is against the current of what society will call a real man.
I love coming back to reread your blog Josh, thank you for your wisdom and inspiration.
It is such a beautiful reminder to cherish and to “see” the tenderness, love and divinity in all men (and women).
What a joy to be with real men, as you have described them;
“What if being a real man was actually really empowering because the real strength of a man was never found in what he could lift or pull physically in life, but rather from the love that comes from within him by knowing who he is, from what he feels inside him?”
Thank you Josh for this article. As a woman it is quite incredible to read what it is like for men and what is expected of them. What a bind men are in with society in general wanting them to deny their feelings but at the same time more and more women wanting them to be sensitive and share their feelings. No wonder men are confused!..
I was always confused when I was a child that “boys weren’t supposed to cry”. You could see when someone was hurting and were fighting back tears, so it seemed the most natural thing to do was to cry and let it out. I remember when my dad got the phone call to say that his mum had died and he was trying to “hold it together” for the rest of the family. I simply outstretched my arms to him and in that embrace he allowed himself to let go and cry.
Thanks Josh! This is a very widely avoided subject. We play games big time here. I have learned to hardened up big time overriding my deeply sensitive and delicate nature. This helped to avoid being singled out by both hardened people and by very soft ones (usually gay people). So, hardening was a management tool to hide, avoid both revealing and celebrating who I am and sharing me with the world. Now, I am extremely conscious of how much we harm ourselves by hardening. It is extremely violent to do so.
Hello Josh, great words thank you. I read this blog and think of all the things people say about men at times and a lot talk about most men being hard on the outside but really soft on the inside. I look at my boys and can see how they are strong but not tough. The true strength from a man comes from him being able to speak about what he is feeling. It may not be popular or necessarily what ‘everyone’ is doing around him but that is because we have been sold a lie. Look at young boys and men, they aren’t born tough, they are born very sensitive. For me a man that has not held that sensitivity from young is not really a man but more a hurt boy. This comment may not be popular as well but men have fallen for something that isn’t true. It’s not that men are to ‘become’ a shrinking violet or to cry all the time but a man needs to be in touch with what he feels otherwise and as I have said you are not truly a man, more a robot. I am still strong, capable, dependable, hard working but equally I am caring, loving, supportive, nurturing and warm. We need the balance and so being tough is just reacting to not wanting to be soft but equally being soft is a reaction the other way. There is a balance in between that only comes from being able to feel what is truly going on for you. Universal Medicine supported me, not to be a better man but to be truly the man I already was.
This has great power Ray, as does Josh’s blog. Both are written by men who are willing to not sell themselves short to the mythology or the stereotype, or whatever it is that we call it. You are, like so many of the men who are responding to this thread, exploring the vastness of what it is to be a man, free of the constraints of the “should do this”, “must act like that”, “toughen up mate”, “get over it”, ” build yourself up to look like this”….one lie after another. That was the “old school” model of manhood. Then the next wave came through, the sensitive man, “in touch with his emotions”. But was he really? The fact that there was no true shift or evolution for men as result of this movement was a bit of a give-away that it was insubstantial.
Now we are witness to a wave of men living with the willingness to live their truth…yes their very own…not the outer constructions and rules to which men have been bound for eons.
It is inspiring to witness men who are deeply sensitive, and equally powerful in their expression. The world needs to hear your voices and watch you in action. Grace, power and true male beauty, infused with love.
And so awe inspiring to witness this love in action.
Hello Dr Rachel Mascord and glad you noticed the change, thank you. This is confirmation of what we have been sold, “It is inspiring to witness men who are deeply sensitive, and equally powerful in their expression.” Women inspired by men who are “sensitive and equally powerful”, so with true sensitivity comes power and not the crushing of sensitivity to become powerful. I am not a robot or anything similar but neither am I meek, soft or emotional. I am naturally strong but not tough, I am powerful but not hard, I am sensitive but not soft, I am tender but not weak, I am caring but not emotional, I am firm but not dogmatic, there is a quality that is different, similar words but worlds apart in quality. There is a “wave of men living with the willingness to live their truth” and I am one of them. Thank you Rachel.
Ray this is so true I live in a house with 3 males and I am still understanding the depth of their sensitivity. “A man that has not held that sensitivity from young is not really a man but more a hurt boy”. I find as a woman because I have grown up not expecting that to be there I have really had to learn understand what it is when they are struggling to express it. We are all developing this together.
Awesome observation nicolesjardin. I agree that we need to support these beautiful tender men to find themselves again.
I feel deeply appreciative and held by the incredible depth of sensitivity in men, it’s so powerful, and a beautiful healing as I surrender more and more to the delicateness within myself.
Brilliant comment Ray – fully encapsulating the balance of strength and tenderness that I can feel in you. I especially like the point about how we can live from the ‘hurt boy’ and I know this is why we wander round with our protection, keeping the world out in case it hurts us again and burying our sensitivity behind an act.
Hello simonwilliams8, thank you. I touched on something with one of my children the other day. He came to me “for a hug” as he calls it and told me something that had happened. I listened and then told him he was “very brave” to come and speak to me in the way he did. This to me defines brave, even though the world may define it as something else. Brave is a man or boy who is willing to connect and stand by what he is feeling and from there do whatever is needed next. Most have been sold that only some of us are brave and only in certain circumstances but I would disagree. We can learn a lot as men from how young boys are. If you watch them, they are sensitive, deeply caring, gentle and don’t carry around their problems. The ‘typical man’ is no longer a role model for us. We are here to show the world that a sensitive, vulnerable and deeply caring man is the most powerful man there is. It’s not about leaping tall buildings or anything similar but simply about connection, honouring feelings and expression from there, super powerful. Thank you Simon.
There are so many mixed messages that we are exposed to – very few of them saying be vulnerable, be real, speak your truth, treat all equally, treat yourself as tenderly as you would a baby and be love, understand who you are are what you bring to the world and do it unapologetically. These are the qualities of real men and real women.
Now that is a song worth singing Nicole.
Nicole, this is pure poetry, bring who you are to the world without apology, that’s beautiful.
I once was a very tough and hardened young women, nothing could really stop me and I was great at ‘enduring pain’. Through my work with Serge Benhayon I have come to understand that at a young age I left who I truly am (tender, delicate, sensitive) as what I felt was too painful. Part of this is the what you share in your blog Joshua. But by leaving myself I felt empty and this emptiness needed to be filled with something from outside of me. So when I discovered that being hard, pushing through, ignoring your body and being ‘strong’ was championed on all levels of life this was my way of gaining acceptance and recognition.
The sad part of it was that becoming self abusive was therefor normal and a encouraged way of life. I have now learned to reconnect to my tenderness, delicateness and sensitivity but at times can still fall back into the self-abuse as it had become such an engrained part of my life.
It is time that we all start to champion being sensitive, listening to our feelings and expressing them so that our future generations can grow up being supported in being who they truly are. And you are a great and inspiring role model for this Joshua.
Lovely to read this again Josh. As Christoph says, it takes guts to stand up and be the sensitive loving man in a world that denies this. Lets call him a true man then, rather than a ‘real’ one.
Josh, I love your example with the school assembly – real men don’t speak up when something stupid happens! What kind of real men are these? Robots? Easily intimidated wusses?
This mixed message of “you must allow yourself to be hurt, only this way do you show what kind of a real man you are” is so ridiculous. What is amazing is how many people accept this logic.
Real courage is saying something true in the face of untruth. Being possibly the only one and possibly having everybody outraged at you – that takes guts. Only real men and real women can do that…
Gosh, this ‘real’ men thing is silly.
Golly gosh Josh! Christoph’s comment is jocularly true.
I totally agree Christoph, the way we are asked to behave is so off from who we truly are, and thus it takes courage and strength to stand out and not adhere to this norm that is still there so strongly.
I agree Christoph, it is a lot more real to say what we are feeling and it takes more courage too. Conforming is easy and it truly is for wusses – and we all have been there and done that. Thank you Josh for this blog inspiring this conversation!
I agree Christoph it is truly crazy, what we have determined to be “real” when it comes to men’s behaviour. I love how you (and Josh) have pointed out the absurdity of thinking being tough while harming your body is some how being real.
Absolutely beautiful Josh. Honouring what we feel takes courage and is anything but ‘wussy’, your blog demonstrates this perfectly. It is wonderful to feel that you have connected to this and bring the power of this understanding to your life.
I agree Leonne and beautifully expressed.
Just beautiful Josh, thank you for writing what needs to be said – that true men and women express what they feel on the inside and this is the most loving and natural way to be.
It certainly needs more saying too! It’s symbolically alarming that as a male teenager: it’s harder to say that you ‘love’ your friend, than it is to punch him as a sign of affection.
God. Great point oliver…We are pretty much saying abuse is okay from the get go of growing up and actually cultivating that behaviour for future relationships. It’s no wonder why violence is so prevalent. Can you imagine what we are letting fester..
A little while ago a close friend’s Dad died. What was extraordinary for me to watch was how loving and tender he was with his Dad during this time. There were lots of tears and he was so present with his whole family. He would also very lovingly massage his Dad’s face and hands every day that he saw him. It was his preparedness to be in the rawness of everything that was happening, and allow himself to simply be, that was so beautiful. When we see men being themselves in their own tender way, it needs to be called by those who see such beauty, so that all men can one day realise that there is no longer a need to be any other way.
Thank you Josh, for reminding me of this gorgeous time and connecting to the tenderness of men.
This is beautiful and confirming to read, thanks Jen, a man being himself and with whatever he was feeling with no apology nor any fear of being ridiculed. I feel the true man in him, the power of his tenderness and the blessing for his Dad and for all.
I have seen that tender gorgeousness in some men as they cared for the vulnerable. Once I had a male nurse care for me as I recovered from an operation. His tenderness was exquisite. I sometimes need a mans physical strength in life, but to have it delivered with tenderness is such a rare joy.
Wow, this was a gorgeous experience to read Jennifer. It is so confirming of the fact that beyond our skin colour, our culture and our gender we are all the same sensitive souls that feel absolutely everything.
This is so beautifully touching Jennifer. This is what needs to be seen as normal – the deep tenderness and caring that men bring.
“What if being a real man was actually really empowering because the real strength of a man was never found in what he could lift or pull physically in life, but rather from the love that comes from within him by knowing who he is, from what he feels inside him?” This is so beautiful to read. It begs the question, at what point do we lose this? We do not ask babies or young boys to prove themselves in strength, so where does this change and becoming harming and detrimental to us all, by no longer valuing them for who they truly are?
I have really noticed how this message is constantly being fed to boys and men: ‘real strength comes from what you can do physically, never from what you can feel. This type of strength may come through being physically mighty and being able to lift and push the body’. My son is 4 years old, very gentle and sweet. I constantly hear people saying to him ‘you are a strong boy’ or, if he cries, ‘your strong, it’s ok’ to stop him crying, and there’s almost an encouragement for him to carry things, even if they seem too heavy and he is struggling: ‘you’re so strong’. This is said as if it is something to be proud of, that pushing your body and ignoring how it is feeling is a good thing.
Thank you Josh for talking about the hardening that happens in the attempt to fit in. I have noticed that it can start in the teenage years, as this is a time of integrating into a wider peer group, where feeling accepted by others becomes important. No doubt you are a great role model to other males, for being unperturbed by being sensitive and tender. You are amongst those who pioneer the way for all men to drop their hardened shell and be true to themselves.
I agree. The truth for me too is that there is no difference between a man and a woman when it comes to expressing one’s feelings. Everyone could express what they feel, when they feel.
You are the generation that breaks the cycle by expressing what it truly means to be a real men, i.e. not any ideal but simply the real you as the man that you are. It is so ridiculous and harming that we have the term “real man” and actually mean the very opposite of real.
We are all the same generation Alex, and it is for men and women to break this cycle too. As women we need to look at the pressure and demands we place upon men and any discomfort we experience when a man sheds tears.
This is so true Rachel, as women we also need to look at how we have been responsible in supporting the false ‘macho man’ protector image that can be imposed on men.
Thank Josh for sharing this age old belief that the strength in men is found in their muscles and being tough.
We champion overriding the body all the time and it’s not working.
A ‘real’ man is just that. Tender, sweet, sensitive, caring and connected with himself. That’s gorgeous and very real. 😊
Great blog Josh asking if there is indeed another way for men and boys. That perhaps they are already everything they need to be from the start and that all we need to do to support that is to allow them to naturally be.
Today, as I read your blog Josh, I can feel the tenderness and acknowledgement of all that has been felt and pushed down. As the body comes alive with these memories – one by one you are re- imprinting them with the beautiful gentle and loving you that has always been there but not expressed. I love that in every moment, as this new way takes you forth, you are modelling for other men and young boys that they can express in their fullness and no longer close down to protect themselves.
It is unfortunate how as children we are conditioned to override the tenderness and delicateness of who we are. You have posed some powerful questions that make one reflect on how we don’t need to carry that imposition in our bodies anymore and start to honour those qualities of tenderness in ourselves and each other.
What a beautiful man; Josh, to write in this way is true strength. A tender and delicate young man myself at school, I used to love to tuck my shirt-in and do my hair with lots of care. I was ridiculed and teased until the only way I felt I could stop it, was to physically harden and then threaten to beat-up the other kids. As you said, we know what’s true for us and to deny this, to deny our feeling ability, is denying our tenderness and the true man in us.
Josh, I just lost this blog, it speaks for men and women everywhere, and how we’ve been hardened by life. And It also struck me that that feeling of isolation you describe in standing up and truly honouring what we feel means many stay hard and not feeling, but in fact when one stands another knows and sees there is another way.
Reading this again Josh, has reminded me of being very young and being bullied at school and feeling fearful of going into the school yard, but at that time I had an older sister who would look out for me. When we were separated I had to harden up and start to look after myself and the only way I could see that worked was by being aggressive and showing other students that I wasn’t scared of them. I would never pick on other students, as I kept to myself, but I would never back down from a fight either, no matter how old they were.
It’s awful to feel like you have to change yourself so much in order to get through life and with each altercation I felt like I was being forced into being someone so far removed from my true self. That aggression then became my coping mechanism for getting through life, not letting anyone know that I was vulnerable and needed support from time to time.
This way of being is slowly leaving me and I now know that it’s ok to admit that I would like support now and again and that allowing myself to be vulnerable does not mean that I am weak.
Oh Jane, yes, I absolutely can relate to being ‘stoic’, though I didn’t realise this was how I had been living, until someone expressed this to me. I could feel how awful this felt in my body, though years ago I would have felt proud to be called this, as one who could endure anything. What a yukky way to live towards myself and others. Thankfully, though, with this awareness I am learning to embrace, and live with, my sensitivity and natural tenderness more. Thank you Josh for a great blog and the questions it raised.
This bought a tear to my eye reading this, it feels so very true,I had a similar experience as a young girl at school, I was very sensitive but soon learned to harden up, it feels so sad that there is so much pressure to do this rather than to honour ourselves and express what we are feeling. I love what you have written here, ‘What if being a real man was actually really empowering because the real strength of a man was never found in what he could lift or pull physically in life, but rather from the love that comes from within him by knowing who he is, from what he feels inside him?’.
Thank you Josh for sharing this blog. When I was growing up and feeling all that was going on around me and living with the same mantra – don’t be soft or a cry baby etc etc. I always wondered how boys didn’t get upset or cry when they fell over or were expected to do the ‘hard’ jobs like putting something out of it’s misery, or share a sad story and not show emotion. The truth is ‘boys’ were just like me only the pressure to ‘harden up’ much greater. We are all the same – born with this amazing essence to be loved and nurtured and then shared with the world. Yes, thanks to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine we now know there is another way.
Josh it was a real joy to read this, it reminded me of when I was young, outside in my school uniform being told to be a way that did not feel loving or true to me. Feeling hurt that I had to leave behind the tenderness and delicateness I felt to become “a man”- yet what you have shared, what Serge Benhayon has shared, and what I see in so many men now, are the Men that I would have wanted to become as a child – the true men – who live the tenderness and deep care that we naturally are.
“I felt small and isolated as everyone else was choosing against honouring or even acknowledging what they were feeling inside” I know very well this feeling and of how holding back my true feelings, not expressing them, makes me feel like I am recoiling from myself and the people I am with and thus from life itself. I also realise how not trusting completely inhibits are free expression and the playfullness and magic of that. There is so much in this blog to ponder on and potentially deepen our awareness. Thank you Josh
I can only imagine what it is like to be a young boy, and to be told to deny and not show your feelings, in effect to deny who you are. This then becomes the male ‘way’. As a girl growing up I did not have that pressure, but when I started work, it was the norm for us as young women who had chosen to work in quite male dominated, professionally tough environments to toughen up ourselves. We too accepted that we should never show our feelings at work, for that would be emotional and ‘female’, as if being female was a bad thing. We made a point of showing that we could make the tough decisions, and could push our bodies to work crazy long hours. In effect, we chose the ‘male way’. So in a way as young women, you could say that we took at least two giant steps from our truth. We first denied that we were women, and chose the prevailing ‘male way’, and as you have shown, that ‘male way’ is itself a very big step away from truth.
Amazing blog Josh. I could so relate to your description of growing up. I was a very sensitive, naturally playful and gentle child. I would express very openly how I felt and express when things didn’t feel so good. I distinctly remember toughening up and overriding my feelings to fit in and be accepted. Your blog is so valuable. It is the norm to not express our true feelings out of fear and reprisal, this has truly stunted our growth,development and evolution. As you say the office or workplace is no different to the playground, how could it be when we have learned to repress and override who we truly are. As a wise man said expression is everything and it is truly a joy to read yours. Thank you.
Imagine a school where the teachers allowed the students to honour themselves! Not to “suffer through it” or “toughen up”. What does this teach them except to disconnect from who they are? A wonderfully and simply written expose on how from a very young age children are bullied into overriding their true feelings, and in the process bury any true understanding that we innately know how to look after ourselves and wish to do so. Thank you Josh for honouring the tender, sensitive man that you are.
This process makes us feel isolated from each other, sets us up to be in competition and unable to trust each other from a young age.
Awful.
This set up gets in the way of our relationships until we realise we do not have to be tough to survive, we learn to value our innate tenderness, and that not only is it OK to be a so called “wuss”, it is actually very natural.
Letting go of that protective shell is like letting go an invisible prison that locks us in and everyone else out.
I really appreciate this sharing Josh. A profound sadness has struck me of late when I feel the truth of who little boys and girls are and how this is simply not supported or honoured and how they are pushed into a mould that the world has decided they should be. We were all one of those children once upon a time and it’s time for us to stand and reclaim the tender, sweet beings we all naturally are by having the courage to call out what is not true.
Kate, I agree, it’s crazy. We were all a child and we all know what it felt like not to be honoured for who we were – yet as a rule we don’t change, but rather impose the same on the next generation. Where and why did we lose that connection to the magic we are? It’s very confirming to read this and other posts where the the true “us” is reclaimed.
A brilliant blog that does ask some very good questions, why keep this hardness going beyond the school life? It felt horrible then so why not leave it in the school yard? Unless it doesn’t only happen just at school, from my experience growing up, the expectations of how we should act (Never was ‘feeling’ EVER in the equation) were everywhere and not just at school.
To have a life that we have constructed and forced ourselves to constantly believe as being ‘the only way to live’ is not pretty when we start stripping away at those layers and behaviours that we thought we had to live by. But as I am now re-discovering how to live by my feelings it is well worth it.
I agree very inspiring blog, thank you Josh.
What an inspiration for all men and as well women.
Yes as well women we need to recognise also the gentle side of men,
and support their tenderness and lovingness, which they have as much as we do.
This is such an important point Susanne. As a woman I need to look at my expectations of the men in my life. Am I wanting them to be the tough one to take care of me?
If I am, then I am adding another brick to the load that men are carrying.
Oh Jane you have nailed something here. Our stoicism (= turning oneself into concrete) sets a “benchmark”, becomes the admired “gold standard”, held up for all to aspire to. And so the poison spreads from us (I can put both hands and feet up for this one) to the whole office.
This is amazing writing Josh and so needed. I love your conclusion that being a real man isn’t about growing up but about connecting with your feelings. How many men and women have been asked to override their feelings as you were in your assembly. What effect does this have on our bodies? It is easy to ‘go hard’ but do we really need any more tough guys in this world? It hasn’t done us much good up to this point. Here’s to being tender and expressive.
It was very lovely coming back to your blog, Josh and reading it again. Your experience in the playground stood out for me today and you could be speaking on behalf all children everywhere. Who can’t relate to what you describe or have not experienced something like this when they were little. We all in some way and at some point have been to told to toughen up so that we deny our innate tenderness as being ok. As a rather large result we live life contra to how we truly could live it!
So true Rachel. Made to play rough sport, stand in the cold, put up with skinned-knees and not complain….a thousand tiny events that add up to hard adults.
I had the inordinate pleasure of supporting a men’s event in the UK this week with a whole host of other volunteers. There was such a dedication by everyone to offer a supportive space for 65 men to come together and express how they felt about being men and to raise issues that they were experiencing. The feedback from the men who attended was really positive. Whilst simple It felt groundbreaking and we definitely need to support men on a larger scale to express how they feel. For far too long, men and boys have been stifled and this needs to stop.
What a wonderful initiative Rachel. I attended an Australian men’s day via webcast and was touched to the point of tears at the space it offered men to be themselves. They got to hear a number of men speak, men who have embraced their tenderness, even in the so-called male dominated, macho trades like building.
These are conversations that need to be held widely and often.
Hi Josh, this is a great blog and subject to raise about men being wusses. I was only talking the other day to a woman and she was commenting on how a male friend of hers was not ‘manly enough’ because he was emotional about a possible cancer scare. She felt he had to ‘tough it out like us women.’ I was left wondering – how did we get to this point where both men and women have to harden this much to not feel our hurts and worries and not be able to relate to others? Your blog is a great start to an important conversation that needs to be openly had between us all.
An amazing blog Josh, it is very true that the dynamics of the playground are no different from the dynamic of the office. Sexism is often though of in relation to women, but it also covers the pressure a man feels to conform to a masculine and hardened version of themselves. The men portrayed in the media are just as objectified as women, they are portrayed as muscle bound models who’s only role in life is to dominate women. Both sexes need to be free to express however they are naturally, not the stereotypical norms we are accustomed to.
I could not agree more Rebecca, when we as women focus our efforts more on how we treat ourselves and our bodies we will see that we have the ability to change the world and bring about a true state of being one that does not require hardship whatsoever, therefore men will naturally surrender their current ways of being.
I agree Amina, women are leading the way in standing up to stereotypes and the media, and slowly this will have an effect. The more women that stand up and claim what is right for them, the more balance is brought to the world.
I LOVE this quote: “the real strength of a man was never found in what he could lift or pull physically in life, but rather from the love that comes from within him by knowing who he is, from what he feels inside him”. If, as a society we fostered this way of seeing what a real man is, instead of being ‘tough’, then there would be no way that anyone could go to war – because every person would be able to express that it doesn’t feel natural to kill someone else, instead of being called a ‘coward’ for not shooting.
Men are naturally tender and loving, but as so many men have experienced pressure from everywhere, saying they are not allowed to show this, men have to be tough. I love being in the company of gentle men, they are a joy to be with. The world needs men like you Josh, willing to show the real you and to be a beacon of light for other men to connect to.
Beautiful Josh
“What if being a real man was actually really empowering because the real strength of a man was never found in what he could lift or pull physically in life, but rather from the love that comes from within him by knowing who he is, from what he feels inside him?”
I have found that to experience the tenderness of a man is quite beautiful and in fact what they crave to express but grow up to become afraid of expressing. That is so crushing for a young man to grow up with those ideals of how being ‘tough’ is the way to be. Thank you Josh for your inspirational sharing.
It is crazy that these kinds of beliefs are still going round and being imposed on kids and adults alike – that to be strong, especially as a man, means to not have feelings. It’s essentially telling men to disconnect from themselves and become a machine as you said Josh. Great that there are those who can see through these ideals and beliefs and instead stay true to who they are and inspire others that it is possible to be the real you in life.
Josh thank you for sharing and highlighting how as men we are told ‘to totally ignore their own bodies because real men can ‘handle the pain’’. It does not work and we end up shutting down, closing off to people, not expressing our feelings, allowing it all to fester on the inside and then have a moment of explosion, shouting at or attacking our partner/family member or someone else, as it has to be released in some way, we cannot keep it all bottled up. It then further reinforces the message to those around us that its ok to behave this way and act in an abusive way, as after all we are men who do not know any different – when in no way is it acceptable.
This is great Josh, I remember as a child being told “You will live”. It felt like the the person at the time didn’t know how to deal with the situation. They would care for me to an extent and then would just get up and say “you will live” like they were afraid to show too much care.
However I remember at the time thinking – “but I don’t care if I will live, it hurts, I’m in pain and I just want you.”
I know all about creating a hard shell, imagining I could protect myself from the world….it does not work. We still feel the pain and hurt, but what that hardness does is prevent us, man or woman, from expressing how we really feel. It is a barrier to connection with others. True strength is courageously expressing ourselves with others, it is the only way to truly learn to connect and share life rather than attempting to live in emotional isolation. Thank you for sharing Josh.
An amazing piece of writing Josh I always like reading your stuff. I was brought up to be tough and definitely not show my feelings, sometimes I couldn’t help letting them show which was met with ‘Harden up’, which I did, but feel it would have been much more courageous if I had stuck up for what I was feeling. In my day it was dads duty to instil this hardness in you so you could cope with life. Now it is just a simple choice whether or not to honour how we feel. Sometimes this is easy and sometimes I fall back into the old hardness and protection. At least I know there is now another way. There is nothing wussy about being a true tender gentle-man.
I have now experienced the difference, from crying from a place of pain, be it a real physical injury or some kind of emotional choice gone bad, to one of total joy in speaking or feeling real truth. When these gems come out of my mouth and not my head and I feel the power and the truth in the words. I will cry at the beauty of the truth that has come out. When you cry from hurt you can invoke sympathy from others. Cry from joy…and you can invoke connections with others with something that is felt to be truth.
I loved reading your blog Josh. it is a great reminder to see how we, men and women have expectations placed on us to act and be totally different than we naturally are. It is lovely to see little boys being very loving and tender but unfortunately somewhere along the way they are encouraged to be rough, tough and to harden up – the total opposite to their true self.
Josh, I love what you’ve expressed here, and it’s true for both men and women. I can feel the tender man you are in this writing. Thank you. It’s amazing we treat children with such care and then along the way somehow expect them to harden up and stop feeling and yet we never do, it’s always there when we allow it. Your blog is a great call-out for all men and women to express what they truly feel and no sugar cubes!
A beautiful and inspiring article Josh. It reveals how hardened the teachers had chosen to become in calling children, boys and girls, sugar cubes if they were not prepared to sit outside in the cold and rain. The love and tenderness in your writing is awesome.
Thank you Josh. I loved reading your blog, it was so refreshing to read. It is a reminder to how precious we are and how important it is to honour children and allow them to express what they feel, as hard children become hard adults. And this hardening that we seem to have fallen for, stops our natural playfulness and gentleness. What fun is a world without playfulness? To me, men and women who allow their gentleness, sensitivity and tenderness to be there possess an amazing strength.
So true Johanna for both men and women are infinitely wise when they allow themselves to accept their sensitivity and awareness is their greatest strength.
I really enjoyed this article. Especially the reference to our work places being like it was when we were in school. There can be a lot of nastiness at work and not nearly enough play. We have gone all hard and horrible more than being gentle, loving and very playful – because for most of our life we have toughened up, gotten through and done just about anything to not stand out, not rock the boat and definitely not be labelled as a ‘wuss’. When underneath we want to be fun, gentle, loving, caring, considerate etc. I shall make sure my playful, loving side is with me at work today.
I say ‘Here Here’ to that Amina. There is nothing worse than living a life measured by waiting for others to give the permission to be you. After all, this is why true freedom is energetic freedom.
Absolutely Josh I could not agree more.
Thank you a great blog, we get taught from so early on how to override our feelings, yet knowing our feelings and getting to know who we truly are are the very things that make us grow strong. You are absolutely right Josh true strength is love that comes from within and knowing who we are and what we feel inside.
Josh, I remember as a child feeling the pressure to not show any hurt and being told to dismiss my feelings and get on with it. As an adult I have come to realise true strength is to honour and cherish those feeling I was once told to ignore.
I enjoyed your blog, Josh. True role models for when we are young are so needed aren’t they! As a woman I have always been tender and sensitive but always believed this to be a weakness and that there was something wrong with me. The conditioning to hide sensitivity has been so strong and, as I could never manage it, I grew up feeling a little foolish every time I showed my vulnerability. So I can only imagine what it must be like for boys to grow up with the pressure of acting tough. It’s sad that we are all conditioned this way; to not be allowed to express who we are naturally.
I have now totally embraced my sensitive side and can see what a strength it is. When I express this way it gives others around me an allowing to also be this way. There is nothing lovelier than being around men and women who aren’t afraid to show their tender side.
Thank you Rachel. Strength=Sensitivity, Sensitivity=Strength. So: Claim it! As you are doing already.
So simple yet so powerful Josh Thank you.
I agree Jane and Rachel. How difficult it must be for men to suppress their tenderness so completely? It is the most beautiful thing for a woman to be around a man who is willing to be tender and sensitive.
I totally agree Rachel, and this world is desperately seeking this. We are this way naturally and deserve to know it so.
Hi Josh, reading your blog I could feel how I haven’t allowed myself to feel what’s going on at work or what went on at school. Like I am/was there, but ignoring what I was experiencing by checking out. Great revelation!! And from that I connect to an arrogance that I am/was okay with life. I feel the individuality in it. And how it takes away my joy. And that it is/has been a choice. That I am/was so familiar with that, it was ingrained so deep that I identified me as ‘that’. Where I am clearly so much more I can feel now and these days… choosing more and more to be more/all of me! Great blog Josh:-).
Great to hear Floris that you are re-connecting with your past choices with an honesty of what they were really like. The first step to claiming your truth is to be open to the honesty of what life was really like for you – this can be difficult but not so if you stand firm in knowing that what you did does not define who you truly are in any way.
Love your honesty Floris, this is a beautiful quality to have and I appreciate you sharing this with us. What a joy it is to read that you are now choosing to connect to who you are more and more, you are inspiring us all.
The tears well up, not out of anything but the pure joy of reading something, that is written from the heart of one that it resonates within the heart of another. A beauty-full expression Josh.
Agree Mark, the resonance of truth is deeply felt.
Hi Josh, hardening 101 is a class we’ve all taken and its affected us ever since. Your article is unravelling all the rubbish we took on from that class and gives us back a choice….the opportunity to feel instead of automatically hardening. Thank you.
And now Adrienne we can embark on tenderising 101…as described in your beautiful blog.
Thank you Josh, what a delight to read about your true feelings being claimed and expressed. You have offered so much to humanity in declaring your experience…wonderful.
Josh, I love your questioning about why we keep these notions of toughness going so long after we have left school. It takes incredible strength to step back and challenge this entrenched way that so many of us have fallen for. It is the absolute opposite of being a wuss to feel what is going on and honour it. Your words feel so very masculine and they are tender and honest, all at the same time. Thank you for asking the questions about what it means to be a man, and opening up the same questions for women too.
Awareness is something most run from. They choose to reject someone who chooses to be more aware by labelling them, ignoring them, “hating on” them or totally terrorizing them, because they see, through the openness and honesty of that person, the truth of their own decisions and how they may have actually caused harm to others and themselves by running from it. Of course it is our duty once connected to who we truly are to actually show others that this form of behaviour is actually not OK. We inspire others not by words, or deeds but by our whole way of being that presents to them a truth-full way of life… Living such a life can seem challenging but stepping up to see we all have the power to do this gives us the strength to live so a simple and joy-filled way of life.
Great comment and great blog. It is very simple and when we have true awareness, I feel that it builds our strength, as we can see where the mocking and hurtful responses come from in truth, and we know who we are in truth. We can see the response/reaction for what it is and have the strength to carry on.
A year and a half later, this blog is still a source of inspiration for men and women. How beautiful that you stepped up to the challenge of living the real man you are Josh, and recorded that so that everyone benefits.
Absolutely, very well said Rachel. It is so beautiful to read this blog written by an extremely wise, powerful and tender young man. It makes me melt knowing that there are men like Josh who are now no longer afraid to show the world who they really are, openly and lovingly sharing their amazing strength and qualities.
What inspiration it is to women – a call to let go of our tough exteriors. We have created a way to get on with life, but it has reduced our other-worldly magnificence to a two dimensional toughness, marching ceaselessly through life and not knowing of who we truly are.