by Anne Malatt & Paul Moses, Newrybar Australia
One recent Saturday I went to a Universal Medicine event. I entered the hall and proceeded to walk to the back; on doing so saying hello and hugging people that I met. After a short time a beautiful woman came and asked for a hug. She said that she so wanted a hug from me, that she had seen me hug many men and it felt so loving, but she asked why I had not hugged many women. I love her hugs and this one was no exception; however this time her words and her hug delivered something that left me needing to go deeper.
Why had I mainly hugged men?
One reason was that I have built loving relationships with many men through the Universal Medicine men’s circle I have been attending, which I cherish dearly.
But there was more: I actually felt to hug the men and not a lot of women for a reason; why? The question I asked my Soul, to clearly show me the truth, with all the awareness I could handle was… why did I meet people in this measured way?
Why did I not love women and men equally?
For the next few nights my dreams were full. I was shown myself interacting with men: these were very confronting relationships as I was shown how I used the way I spoke, dressed, moved, acted and my sexual practise to manipulate men for my needs, my gain. Sex with men! Was I gay? Finally it dawned on me: I was a woman, not in this life but in a previous life.
I had manipulated men using my womanhood at the expense of myself and these men – using my status as a woman to use men. I was no stranger to using people: I have used women for sex and status for much of my life, but for the first time I realised I was also being used – through my need to be seen with a beautiful or successful woman, my need for sex, my need for mothering, and my craving for tenderness.
My ‘need’ was met by an equal need in women, and hence the feeling of manipulation.
With the support of the men’s group, we as men live in a tender way with each other which has allowed us to let go of many needs such as mothering, sex and to be seen as an ideal.
This in turn has cleared the way to allow an awareness of what I feel, and I do feel a manipulative energy from some women – this I now know and understand as I have lived in the same way. The difference now is that I don’t react to it as I have no attachment to that manipulation: I can see it for what it is as I have cleared it in myself.
THE WAY FORWARD
I have developed an understanding of how issues we carry from life-to-life remain incomplete and as a result, how we are manipulated through these openings, these needs. We have a choice to remain in these ‘separative’ ways that keep us apart, or to see them as a blessing, showing us that something is not right and if we only ask, we get to see the truth all too clearly.
For me the way forward is to meet people with the love that I am and to not hold back, to not measure my love: anything less shows me something is wrong. And I look forward to many beautiful hugs with the amazing women and men we equally all are.
I have always had many male friends and until recently, only a very few close female friends. I preferred the company of men – they were direct, uncomplicated, and appreciative! I found it hard to trust most women – to be frank, I found them insecure, jealous, competitive, dishonest and two-faced, and I behaved in the same ways at times.
As I have matured, my relationships with women have deepened and grown, but these issues still surface from time to time.
When Paul started attending the Universal Medicine men’s groups I initially felt relief, as we had a night off at home to do as we pleased! While the kids and I watched ‘Modern Family’ and ate something sweet, he was deepening his relationships, with himself and with other men.
After a time I began to feel jealous. I felt he was developing a depth of loving relationship with these men that he did not have with me. And I felt confronted by the fact that he felt willing and able to commit an evening each week to developing this love for himself and others, and I did not. At first I made it about my busy-ness – my commitment to the children and other commitments – but I soon realised I did not have enough self-love to ask for or allow myself a night off once a week from my commitments, for myself.
Each week Paul brings home from the men’s meetings a greater degree of awareness, understanding and self-acceptance.
As the weeks pass, I feel more and more grateful for the men’s circle. Paul has found a space in which he feels free to express himself in full, without reservation, without judgement, and to share his experiences with men who understand how he feels. In this he has been able to let go of his need for and attachment to me, and this has allowed our connection to deepen, our relationship to blossom.
BEING THE TRUE WOMAN I AM
Even though I do not attend the meetings and am not privy to what is shared, I feel I have grown in love along with the men. I have been confronted with my own needs, my own attachments, and have been offered an opportunity to heal them, to let them go. I feel called to be more open, more honest, more loving, more true. As the men work on their issues, I feel more free and more inspired to be the true woman I am.