by Janina Koch, Cologne/Germany
I wrote this down the other week… a realisation from my body which describes my relationship with food:
“No food in this world is more yummy than feeling delicious me!”
I used food all my life to not feel me and what is going on – as a treat for me, a reward. I loved watching TV with my wine, crisps and Belgian chocolate. It was the best part of my day. I looked forward to it. No matter how bloated I felt after, I ate a whole packet of crisps.
I didn’t want to deal with my stuff and with my life. And I didn’t want to deal with my relationship with food, or understand that the way I was eating was connected to my exhaustion, lack of vitality and commitment to life.
I defended this way of not taking responsibility for me and my life for a long time. I was convinced that life was too much and that I couldn’t handle it.
But now I know this is not true…
My mind always said “Oh, it doesn’t really matter if I eat more than I really need”, in a not very connected, rather racy way.
However, now my awareness of my relationship with food is changing and I can say it does matter.
To eat when I am not hungry, or to override feelings of being tired with food, is a way of harming myself deeply.
To stuff myself by eating too much, and with heavy food, destroys the lovely connection I am building with myself. It’s a way of giving up and letting an energy rule me which is not loving, destroying the tender loving me that I am.
There is no joy in doing that, even if the food tastes nice. The energy does not feel nice in the body, either during or after eating.
And, even though over the last 6 years I have changed to a mostly carbohydrate, dairy, sugar, alcohol and caffeine-free diet, I still did not change my relationship with food. I still used food as a reward and to numb by over-eating – especially with nuts, nuts and nuts and salty food. So it has been a process of constantly feeling what my body is telling me.
I am becoming more aware of how my mind tricks me by dictating what, when and how much I can choose to eat. I can still fall for this instead of listening to my body. My body does indicate to me in a much stronger way now, more than ever before I started to listen.
I feel this is super-important to say all of this, as it is normal for us to abuse ourselves with drink or food. Most people do it.
But…. there is a different way to be!
So now, it’s about starting a new relationship with food and myself. It’s in the way I deal with food, in the way I prepare and eat it – and in what I choose to eat to actually nourish my body. Now, I can start to treat my body with love, preciousness and respect.