Recently I read a blog called “A Sharing for Men About Women.” It was an eye-opening blog for it started to challenge how we should look to define abuse in relationships.
In short, this blog was asking us to consider that anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people should be seen as abusive.
This in itself is a provocative statement, and there would be many – especially men who are not ‘violent’ towards their partners – who would take issue with this extreme proclamation, citing the fact that when compared to the ugliness of domestic violence, their relationship is indeed quite healthy. And from where they stand, they would be telling the truth – to a point.
But let us put aside such reactions for a second and ask what it is that this statement is really asking us to consider. For underneath its foray into the world of relationships, what this is really pointing to is the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged. As human beings we like to look out at all that we consider as evil in society, and so long as our life compares well to such darkness, we do not question whether or not what we have is actually true.
The man who yells at his wife but does not hit her does not consider himself to be abusive by comparison. The man who controls and dominates the relationship by using his “superior knowledge and intellect” to suppress his partner’s voice will never admit that he has been abusive whilst he can hear the man next door yell and lose his temper. And, to add a dash of controversy to the mix, I am sure that we would never consider by light of such examples that the man who is quiet and acquiescent to all of his partner’s demands is actually living in a mutually abusive relationship.
In the world of comparison, all of these men would have a right to say that they are not abusive. Even the man who hits his wife can argue he has not murdered or raped her or broken any bones. What has she to complain about? She is alive and only has bruises that will in time heal. Whilst this may seem preposterous, it is how some men think, or at least behave. And who is the great moral crusader to argue, when they have used the same barometer of comparison to measure the quality of their own life?
Herein lies the ludicrousness of the way we measure our existence, for it is by such a mechanism that we create our own perception of what is, when at least seen through the eyes of our own divinity, black and white.
Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness. Comparison makes the world grey. Edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity.
Thus today, when we end up in the situation where we consider a relationship where both parties get on and tolerate each other’s differences, don’t argue or wage war on each other and are generally comfortable with each other, to be one that is not just acceptable… we consider it to “be” loving when by essence it falls well short of the forever expressive nature of what true love actually entails.
And as I write this, I know that there will be those who will read this statement and say – I have that. I have love in my life. And maybe you do. But how do we know, especially when we have used the evil of comparison as the corrupt mechanism by which we gauge all of life? How do we know that we have not just found a person who does not push our buttons, who by silent agreement does not challenge our preconceived notion of what we want the world to be? In other words, how do we know we have found a relationship of love, and not just one of mutual convenience that serves to keep us blind to the true nature of our own existence?
As Henry Thoreau once controversially wrote, “The greater part of what my neighbours call good, I believe in my Soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behaviour. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?”
What was he talking about? He was talking about comparison.
By Adam Warburton
Further Reading:
Making a relationship About True Love
Comparing Myself to Others
Seeking Connection and True Relationships
Jealousy
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
The greatest gift we can give ourselves in life is to stay open and willing to ponder on what is presented. What we know to be true and of love, we hold dear, and what we know falls outside of this we simply let go of and move on.
In society we have a plethora of scales to measure up to and this keeps us busy and distracted to think that as long as we measure up to these scales then all is well. But meanwhile the Soul does not compare and does not measure, it simply gets on with life and love and takes each moment for what it is with no other factors allowed to complicate and interfere.
A very refreshing read indeed – When we compare there is always those who are ‘worse off’ and so this can justify our existence. But why focus on existence when we can have a life lived in truth?
Comparison could be used in a lot of ways, for example I could look back over my life and compare my past to now and see I am doing very well, and as a result sink into comfort instead of respond to the call to continue to grow.
Wise words Melinda – comparison is our downfall in so many ways!
Truth gets diluted, and so lost with comparison, ‘Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.’
“In other words, how do we know we have found a relationship of love, and not just one of mutual convenience that serves to keep us blind to the true nature of our own existence?” Very direct and a great question to ask, and one that applies to all relationships. There are so few relationships that are actually based on love, not emotional love, but the love that our soul is, so as far as role models go there are not many to set the standard and inspire us into something greater. This in itself holds great purpose to develop my own relationships.
Adam the other word to use here is Standards, we are lowering the standards of our society so quickly and they are seemingly being accepted without question. I wonder where it will lead us in the end. It’s as though we are disconnecting to reality and making it whatever we want it to be, not what it is in truth.
“How do we know that we have not just found a person who does not push our buttons, who by silent agreement does not challenge our preconceived notion of what we want the world to be?” ah Adam, you have described how my relationship with my partner used to be in a nutshell. A silent agreement that not only would we not push each other’s buttons but also that we wouldn’t lift each other up to our highest potential either. It was a relationship built purely on keeping the other as well as ourselves in comfort. After waking up to what was really going on we have now committed to being as truthful as possible with one another and also committed to becoming more intimate with one another, true intimacy having previously not been in our relationship at all.
Alexis these last few weeks it has been interesting to observe just how much people want everything to stay the same they don’t want anyone to rock the boat of comfort so that we don’t as you say reach our highest potential. I have always known it but to actually feel it in my body this makes a difference it’s as though I have stepped back enough so that I can allow myself some space to realise the game and the part I have been playing up until now.
There is no truth in comparison as our image of ourselves is completely arbitrary and our impression of another is also arbitrary and so we are trying to compare two things that are in truth unknowns and two unknowns that are also in a constant state of energetic movement. It actually is quite non-sensical when you really think about it.
Comparing our relationships or anything for that matter to something that is ‘worse’ than ours is a very misleading thing to do and can trick us into believing that what we have or are doing is ok. I used to think that because my partner and I didn’t argue and because, compared to most couples we got on in a way that was relatively harmonious that we had a great relationship. It came as quite a shock to realise that this actually wasn’t the case at all and that our relationship lacked both truth and true intimacy.
It may be misleading but it is something we do all the time, for example, I have a friend who has been really struggling with a health issue then someone close to them became ill with cancer and in comparison my friend decided what they had was nothing to worry about whereas cancer is life threatening. I feel they have let themselves off the ‘hook’ so to say because now there is no opportunity to understand their own health problem by dismissing themselves in the comparison of another.
You have hit the nail on the head because we are always benchmarking our behaviour on what we see in others. In fact the same would go for our health, and we are encouraged to say “well at least I haven’t got xxx” or “what I am going through is not as bad as xxx”. If we stop benchmarking against another and consider from the inside if we are at ease with who we are, how we engage in relationship and what we do, then we open up the door to more honesty from which to have the conversation.
You have nailed it too Lucy – our health and wellbeing is no longer measured by our true health, but by the absence of disease or by the absence of more severe disease that what we have. This is certainly not a true measure of health and vitality.
What we accept is ‘normal’ is actually very far from ‘normal,’ we have created a false reality of life and live a lie.
‘In short, this blog was asking us to consider that anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people should be seen as abusive.’ This takes us to a whole new level in terms of what is and what isn’t acceptable in a relationship. Do we have the self worth and self love to say no to anything that is other than open and loving? I know in the past I would have accepted a lot less as there wasn’t too much of a foundation of self worth. However, if that foundation is present there is no need to be in a relationship – simply a choice to be in one, which is very different. Much easier to say no to any form of abuse, no matter how seemingly small when the first and foremost loving relationship is with yourself.
When we ‘tolerate’ each other we do not see the other as part of us.
“So called Good” is often more evil then ‘bad’
Submitting to ‘the lesser of two evils’ takes us down the slippery slope of abuse.
What we accept as normal in the world today, is so far removed from who we naturally are, what we can feel when we come back to our innate sensitivity and has no relationship to comparing with another. Good, bad, indifference… how about just simply being responsive to what we feel.
When we compare any ill behaviours with the more extreme forms of abusive and use justification to not take responsibility for our choices, then we can easily blind ourselves from seeing abuse in our life and therefore, easily accept abuse as the norm. But when we are willing to see abuse in all its varying forms and take responsibility, we are more able to see abuse for what it is. For example, the slightest change in someone’s tone expressed void of love is already abuse, or someone slamming the door, etc. Being willing to expose abuse is a sign we are also willing to embrace more love.
Yes, the signs are likely to be very minor but because they are not extreme we brush them off till they are not minor anymore and we have to unpeel ‘where it all went wrong’.
We know from the moment we hear the car pull up in the drive what mood the person is in that steps out of the car. From the way the door bell is rung or the key is put into the lock. We can feel energy all the time the disservice we do to ourselves is that we dismiss the energy we can feel and immediately go into a reaction be that defend, withdraw, protect, Perhaps if we were to admit we do feel energy all the time and so call it out when it is abusive we wouldn’t have to unpeeled where it all went wrong.
What you show here Adam is how evil comparison is. We learn from an early age that comparison is not good and is horrible to feel, so we learn to mask it by being nice or good hoping to ignore the truth we are feeling at that moment. It is far better to be honest with ourselves and out the comparison, rather than going into a myriad of niceities and lies in an attempt to hide the comparison.
Yes, honesty is called for, being nice or good both feel horrible as well comparison.
“Comparison leads to compromise.” Yes this is something we never consider when we compare ourselves to another but the moment we compare we are no longer coming from truth but from a place that allows us to be less and accept what we know is no longer true, this is how we bastardise so many things in life.
Many people revel in looking at the ugliness and take great identification in it but at all costs will avoid the love, joy, harmony, stillness and truth that we all are.
There is no limit to the amount of love and expansion on offer, so even what by normal standards is a superbly loving relationship can evolve to an even more loving relationship such that the previous level of love can feel abusive in comparison.
This not only applies to our relationship with our partners but also with ourselves and all others.
Nicola I understand what you are saying that we can have even more loving relationships with others, if we are prepared to go deeper into our self love, as we deepen then our love of humanity deepens as well. We could say it is a natural by product of self love. It feels an amazing science which I know nothing about but I know it exists because I have deepened the love I have for myself and this in turn has deepened the love I have for everyone, love is like an emanation it just glows and everyone is touched by its radiance.
Looking from the whole and fullness of us it exposes how much compromise still reigns and therefore allows comparison to breed. If we look toward the light we only see light.
“Comparison makes the world grey. Edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity.”
So true Adam, and your blog clearly outlines why. Comparison allows humanity to get a way with a lot, even though in truth, we are not getting away with it at all.
You have given me much to consider here as I would not have considered comparison in that light.
“The greater part of what my neighbours call good, I believe in my Soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behaviour. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?” I love this quote so much because trying to be “good” is so harmful when all that is needed is for us to be real.
Yes love that quote too, it exposes how we reduce all we are and can live as our natural expression.
“In other words, how do we know we have found a relationship of love, and not just one of mutual convenience that serves to keep us blind to the true nature of our own existence?” – to settle makes the eyes lazy and so too the relationship.
It is like there is relief in the body that we have found something and therefore we do not want to rock the boat and not have anything again.
It is not easy to know truth when we have strayed so far from it but when we start to live the deepest truth that we know, we can step by step find back to the truth for all.
Comparison is seeded by our separation from Oneness, for it requires two single units to be measured against each other.
Different bodies same essence, it is like comparing ourselves with ourselves. Not that probably most of us have not done this at some point, though from the fullness of Oneness its pretty silly.
Adam this is a brilliant article exposing the evil of comparison, and how it stops us from evolving and having a true connection with another.
Comparison is a killer, completely setup to stop us to evolve.
Absolutely, this is a brilliant article showing how evil comparison is.
We do have a strong tendency in society to define things by the extremes. We are a bit shocked by the use of the word abuse when it is not domestic violence or very obvious bullying. Yet any time we don’t bring harmony to a relationship it is felt by the other person. It imposes on them and often changes the way they respond or behave. No wonder relationships are not working (1 in 2 marriages are ending in divorce) when we only act to fix things when the abuse becomes extreme.
Yes, comparison makes us feel comfortable with not making our life about truth and love. Yet in truth there is no real settlement in this state as there is a forever unrest that we can only ignore but never eradicate when we are not living true love.
Yes I can feel and see this now, there is an unease and an unrest because we know deep inside that what we are living, what we see and hear, is often not loving at all, and certainly not the love we come from and are here to live with each other.
The fact that we go into comparison with another is a sign that we are not connected to the truth because there is no truth in comparison. Comparison is a permanently moving state whereas truth is a constant, it never wavers.
I think if we use comparison with another’s behaviour to justify our own then that in itself can be a sign that we’re not bringing the depth of love that we know we can from inside of ourselves.
Any form of comparison is blocking our depth of love that we know.
Do anything from comparison and it will never deliver truth.
It is a setup to fail before you even start, comparison is a killer and very deadly.
Yes, comparison blinds us, it has us think we are doing good or the opposite but it never in truth lets us feel ourselves in full, our own worth and grandness.
In comparison we are making ourselves less before we even start, rather than just staying with our own power and bringing all of us.
Even having a comparison within the relationship is toxic. I noticed this morning how I went into comparing how my husband would respond to a friends event vs how he responded to an event my friend was having. I totally compared and put my friends as less to him and this then brings a dis-ease into our relationship.
Any form of comparison stops truth, and love.
Like so many words in the world today Abuse and Abusive have lost their true meaning, we have reduced bastardised, lessened, and twisted them so that we don’t have to question our behaviours and that of others. If we were to accept that one step away from love is the first step towards abuse then we have a true marker of what abuse is. It is a marker that is registered in the body, and our responsibility is to acknowledge and honour this feeling, rather than dismiss and accept the abuse as being ok because the markers we have created, have been formed by comparing ourselves to others.
Well said!
What a great point, if we stop taking what the world tells us is abuse as abuse and see that any movement, be that verbal, physical, or even in our thoughts, any movement away from love is abuse, then we have a whole new awareness of the responsibility in how we live.
Relationships can bring 2 things – extremities such as abuse which we know are not loving but we put up with anyway, or comfort – 2 people settling for an arrangement which is also not love but pure convenience. You highlight both here Adam and it is so important we consider if we play any of these roles in our relationships and why.
While love is the constant builder, evolving both every day, never falling into comfort and always sensitive to the extremes.
I was listening to a Serge TV where he shares that not adoring your partner in the day is abusive…. that is a whole other level of deepth to love that most haven’t ever considered.
Yes, we are so far from that! it really makes me consider how I am with the people in my life. Do I compare or do I adore?
Yes the living example and teachings of Serge Benhayon has had me lift my standards and understanding to a whole other level right across the board in life and that standard is not a static thing but one that constantly deepens and expands.
Comparison is like a snake wrapped around our neck slowly choking us to death, the airflow into our lungs gets tighter and our eyes begin to pop out as we grasp for air.
I love this analogy as it really describes what its doing to us when we get caught in comparison.
I love the expose about how we can utterly fool ourselves about the quality of our relationship with life by settling for a picture, whether that picture is derived from a comparison with another, or comparing to an ideal we hold about what is good. The fact is that even when we start with the the real thing, whilst the universe is forever expanding and calling us to also deepen in every way, holding on to that picture will keep us stuck and in no time quite lost. We do need to periodically stop and ask is what we have is actually true. That is why I love conversations with Serge Benhayon and blogs such as this which clearly invite us to do exactly that.
I have just completed Connective Tissue Level 2 and I can now fully appreciate just how very tender and precious we are and if we were all to live from this deep quality there is no way we could possibly harm another, it just isn’t in the body any more to do so.
Beautiful Mary, we do have all the tools to connect to the depth of quality that we are and in that we know how precious and powerful we all are, therefore there is no space for comparison.
“How do we know that we have not just found a person who does not push our buttons, who by silent agreement does not challenge our preconceived notion of what we want the world to be?” This is such a great question and ought to be asked of every person – whether that be lovers, friends, family members, work colleagues etc.
Spot-on Adam, for just because something is ‘not as bad as…’ does not mean it is true or of love. Expressing without comparison and stating something just for what it is, is very confirming and empowering.
I totally agree that just because something is ‘not as bad as…’ it doesn’t mean that it is a true way of living. Sure we don’t want to condone the extremes but neither settle in the ‘better’ without discerning if that really encompasses everything that we are…
Absolutely agree we cannot settle for better without discerning, we cannot get caught in the pretence.
To read this blog sets the tone for how we can be with each other in the world. You are right Adam – we have just accepted that there are better situations than ours so therefore we turn a blind eye instead of claiming what we know to be true in relationships.
We all know what true relationships are – it is our choice in each moment to water this down.
Seeing what is true in those that do love absolutely is inspiring to anyone who has the good fortune to cross the path of such commitment to true relationships be they couples, friends or work colleagues.
The law is always incomplete.It does not and perhaps cannot cover every single case of conducts that are morally reprehensible. Yet, this does not mean that we have to equate the reprehensible with what the law defines as such. Concomitant to this, we tend to judge something always in comparison to something else and issue our judgement based on how far or close are they. When the parameter is the extreme, excluding what is not extreme in the name of what is reasonable, we provide license to kill so to speak.
When we stop and consider that ‘anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people should be seen as abusive.’ Then we know how far we have walked away from the truth and love we know. We need to set love as our foundation and not accept less as being ok as not only do we suffer as a result but also everyone else does as well.
The “outing” of abuse in its many forms is the path of love. It is a love grander and nothing like the romantic love we have been taught about. It offers a development of self-care that leads to love, and in that configuration, abuse is seen more and more fully.
Anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people should be seen as abusive. This should be a recurring topic to talk about with each other, within relationships and particularly with ourselves. It is saying no to any sort of abuse, ‘big’ or ‘small’, and in fact yes to love. The ‘saying no to abuse’ is a clear statement to: I don’t go for less as we are love which should be expressed in all areas of our lives,
“And who is the great moral crusader to argue, when they have used the same barometer of comparison to measure the quality of their own life?”
This is a cracker of a question Adam. We can get on our high-horses about a certain topic and go on a moral crusade, but if you have the honesty to look at this question you pose, and see where you might be doing the same on a lesser and much reduced scale, I feel quite often the answer would be yes, we do do that. We can be all sitting at that table, just some maybe taking up a larger portion but our feet are still under the same table.
When we use evil as a comparison in how well we are doing in our relationships it sets the standard extremely low. There should be absolutely no comparison with evil for it needs to be called out for exactly what it is. And whether different levels of abuse … it is still abuse. It is shocking to see just how many couples can put each other down and how many can abuse their partners in verbally bullying them or constantly putting them down. However if we start to use the example of the Benhayon family, and a growing number of other families, as the litmus test for our relationships – this instead offers us at the very least, a level of decency where we should be with everyone. What I am currently seeing is how our relationships need to constantly be refined to the ‘what next’ step in deepening and appreciating them and can feel even though I would consider myself an open person with people just how much I still shut people out .. which is a level of abuse.
There are so many variances on abuse, such subtle ways that it can be lived. For me, in my experience, being able to see abuse is coming from standards that are increasing in their love towards people. Once these are set, there is very little that can missed.
When we compare love to hate – we settle for less – comparison is a cushion of comfort that stops us knowing the truth of love rather than its counter.
Very true and well said, comparison brings in the sense of bettering. ie. this is not as bad or extreme as that so it is ok but the reality is it may still be far from and void of love. When we come from love then anything less stands out for the lack of love that it is.
So true – we want to normalize the off-ness we can actually sniff in and around our own choices by looking around and see how many others might be choosing the same/similar, or worse – and if anyone dares to show the truth that would expose our complacency, how dare they, they would be the ones to be crucified.
Comparison is so harmful in the subtlest of comments. We have become a society that ignores these but in the long run what harm are we choosing to fuel.
again, I am touched by this blog and its subject. For it shows us the evil of comparison and it unmasks the mechanics of how comparison plays out and has its detrimental effect.
Comparison makes space for a normal way of living that should never have been normal. A way that is much less than living with the joy we all deserve.
Deep down we do know what is true and when we are living less than that. Justifying it with someone else doing something worse is not changing the fact, we are only fooling ourselves.
I really relate to what you share Adam. I have been one who is gentle and very nice in relationships but I have equally been pleasing and pandering, keeping the peace in many ways and not asking others to evolve. Any arrangement which is in truth a relationship that is based on an agreement to not evolve is abuse. Full stop.
The scenario you have described here Adam can really be extrapolated to virtually every relationship we have in our lives, where we settle for and accept a superficial connection and one that never challenges us or asks us to evolve and learn from each other, but is totally OK with mere ‘small talk’ about the weather, sports, politics, etc. as long as nobody is actually getting physically hurt. I for one know that living like that with no deeper connection now feels pointless and will never bring any joy or settlement to my body.
Comparison is deadly, because while we look at another and think they have more we are not appreciating or cherishing what we have, and while we look at another and think they have less we are judging and condemning another human being. Another important thing to consider is that while we are comparing we are not only damaging ourselves and others we are also missing the big picture of what is really going on, and what our lives are offering us on a bigger scale.
How great to expose the demons of good that, if we comply, keep us in the illusion, glamour and emotional arena of life.
Thank you Adam, for each time there is a greater understanding of what has been written and what comparison actually means equally in terms of our relationships.
We always look at the extremes as a way to judge our behaviour and to assess if we are doing ok – therefore, we must be a good wife or good husband, mother, father or parent and any other role we adopt.
This is such a powerful piece Adam and a topic that certainly needs to be exposed, for too many settle and turn a blind eye to the many hidden ‘evils’ and to the comparisons we accept in life as totally ‘normal’.
When we compare it is a way to excuse oneself of responsibility as by doing so one looks outside of oneself and not at one’s own actions.
When we compare we make a judgment, when we judge we are making something or someone lesser or greater than another and when do this we incite competition and separatism.
When I look around me at the relationships of others I see so much compromise playing out. In the past I would have considered that normal as compromise was what I had come to believe was essential to make a relationship work, and so naturally that is what I did in my relationships. Today I can see that with that compromise often came resentment, frustration and a definite feeling of lack of power, all emotions that were so destructive and affected the relationship on a day to day basis. Compromise is now something that I choose not to do and if I feel even close to considering it, I can feel the horribleness of it instantly in my body, and I am stopped in my tracks.
As you say, Ingrid, compromise is hailed as a virtue yet it is insidious in its destructive nature.
‘Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less…’ – so huge and spot on – when we compare we do not take responsibility for our part because we look at what is better or what is worse. This truly exposes how we can blame the state of society to justify our actions and a lack of love and equality. But what if we were able to be the reflection of true love in relationships and in the world. We could not compare – we would be living based on a relationship with truth and evolution.
Adam, this is such a wonderfully exposing blog and I love the fact that you asked us to consider whether someone who is quiet and keeps the peace with their partner might be just as abusive as someone who is yelling and screaming. This definitely puts a new slant on what abuse is and that wanting things to be “better” rather than true is abuse.
Thank you Adam for telling it like it is, when we compare our experience with another’s experience which is more extreme than ours, leaving us to feel we are better than, we can then justify our not so noticeable abusive behaviour.
Comparison is such a killer and destroyer of our relationships not only with others but also with ourselves. It means we never feel enough because there is always something or something outside of ourselves we can compare ourselves with. The more we simply appreciate ourselves the more joy we naturally feel within ourselves and everyone else. Then there is no need to compromise as how can you compromise when you are being the love that you are?
Straight to the depth of truth Adam, dare we look at the true evil of ‘good’? Brilliant.
I agree Kim, ‘the true evil of ‘good’. How easy is it for us to get caught up in it and also the ‘right’ as well – the words come so laiden they discount the love we are and rather get us to conform to a set of rules and ideals outside of us without any regard for truth.
Beautifully said James.
“Comparison leads to compromise…Comparison makes the world grey. Edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity.” Love what you share here Adam. Truth is razor sharp = it is, or it is not. So true that comparison mades it a bit blurry and fogs up the truth, which we can use as an excuse to not live our/the truth.
We may on the surface of life use our eyes to compare different pictures and use the comparison as fuel for compromise but in our inner-most there is always the call back to honour what we know from our whole body to be the actual truth.
Comparison requires the creation of a millions measures to understand what is good, better or best. The alternative is to simply feel life. No need for judgement just responding to what each cell knows is Love. Thank you Adam for providing this zoomed out view of our lives.
I feel the statement that anything less than open and loving relationship is abuse is challenging for men and women. As sometimes discussed at women’s groups, we can appear to be the ‘gentler sex’ but women can be quite hard, controlling and manipulative, which is far from loving or open! I feel we have slightly different issues but are on a pretty level playing field when it comes to what we allow to come between us in any relationships.
Wow such a profound read Adam, on so many levels you are challenging everything that society promotes! In my experience I often walk away from those that push my buttons rather than turn up and get uncomfortable and grow!
Beautiful and so clearly expressed. It is that what we know is love that we need to live, not a condemned version of what we have chosen to not live. It is clever how we can control and pretend something to be acceptable that is not actually love.
“It is that what we know is love that we need to live, not a condemned version of what we have chosen to not live.” Very eloquently put, choosing to live what we all know love to be is a fundamental key to eliminating compromise and comparison from our lives.
It is very much a reduced version of love which is actually a real assault on all of humanity.
When we make comparisons with the extremes of abuse we fail to be aware of the lesser abuse all around us but abuse is abuse. A small amount of poison is still poison.
Yes that is super clear with what you share Mary, I wasn’t quite getting it but of course if we compare with violent abuse our silent rages or angry outburst seem loving or even the comfortable getting on when in truth it has no part in love.
Discovering the hidden evil in ‘good’ is a turning point in one’s life; comparison is debunked and compromise no longer a valid option. Liberation from a blinkered existence and the ever-expanding vastness of the all are what counts.
This article is profound and asks me consider what I have settled for and what is possible when I make life about love and connection rather than doing ‘better’.
Comparison poisons relationships in a myriad of ways.
Comparison is like the opposite of the equality we all know so well from our essence. So why, if we know equality so well, do we have fallen for the separateness comparison brings in its many disguises that in turn, makes it sometimes difficult to discover?
Comparison in any of our relationships is hugely damaging. Comparison eats away at our relationships like a disease, it spreads easily, it is contagious and it can be difficult to get rid of. I find, with a huge daily dose of appreciation, love and truth, comparison cannot exist, grow or fester.
I was participating in a group discussion recently and then today reading your blog Adam supported me to understand the discussion at a deeper level that
“Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less”
And it is glaringly obvious that we have accepted something less as this we think gives us a ‘comfortable’ life.
As Henry Thoreau once controversially wrote, “The greater part of what my neighbours call good, I believe in my Soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behaviour. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?” Being “good” does not make us loving and wise human beings, all it does is make us feel like we fit in and in fitting in we avoid asking the deeper questions.
“Anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people should be seen as abusive”. Although this may seem like a stretch for most of us just struggling to get on with people, it is important to have this as a marker of what we are truly capable of in relationship. It stops us for settling for comfort, meeting needs or having a suitable arrangement and ask us to go deeper with our love for ourselves and other people.
What evil is in one thing. What we consider it to be (and not to be) is another one. The first is absolute. The second is a mere (convenient) construct.
By exposing the sliding scale you ask some big questions Adam… not least of which is am I happy to sit somewhere on that ladder and judge those below me, while grabbing the shirt tails of those above so I might progress? Or do I stand back from the ladder altogether and notice that none of it is really about love…….
And why should we not consider anything other than love, honor and respect in relationship as abuse. We all deserve to be treated and live with the utmost love, none greater or less, but equally so in absoluteness, as this is the quality that defines and represents who we all are in essence, as such is our true and natural expression. It is in love that we truly thrive and come to life, realising our full potential and it is through love that we evolve. As such anything less than love, subtle or otherwise, is an abuse to who we are and an abuse to living the quality that we are rightfully here to live, together. When love is the marker of what is true and what is not, comparison does not even get a look in.
Just how much do we give in to a relationship that is ok and ticks the boxes? All the while feeling from deep within that we are missing living with a deep connection with another. A way of being in relationship that we know inside out, yet so many give up on ever living.
Very true Leigh. In it seems that me that most people on the planet don’t even have a truly loving relationship with themselves. What gorgeousness we are missing out on.
Oh so much gorgeousness. There is nothing I have lived before that comes close to feeling as amazing, tender, fun, joyful, light and playful as a loving relationship with myself. What is most beautiful, is that living this with myself means I live it with others and my relationships are becoming more true, respectful and understanding.
Individually and collectively we are missing living in ‘deep connection’ with one another. The ironic thing is, naturally we are all deeply connected because we are all part of the collective whole and so for us to not be living in deep connection with each other we have to be permanently applying techniques that prise ourselves apart. Comparison is just one of the things on the absolutely endless list of techniques.
Relationships offer the potential for returning to the truth of love and to know there is always more to deepen unto and to be aware of.
“What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?” – I love this quote from Thoreau, asking us to consider who decides what ‘well’ looks like, and whether we will conform to being a ‘good person’ or be honest and challenge what isn’t true when needed.
‘Comparison leads to compromise’… yes, comparison reduces us all to less than who we are, and often allows unacceptable behaviour to be tolerated, and perpetuated. The antidote? Building a connection with our bodies, so we understand what we’re feeling and what those feelings relate to. Being real, honest and raw about how we feel about what’s going on around us is a great place to start.
When we make the choice not to compare… We are celebrating that we are indeed all one, interconnected, of one heart.
Truth is only lived when one can see the truth of themselves in it. When one lives ‘good’ there is no reflection, just a picture of expectations and desires. Thanks for sharing Adam.
When we compare our relationships with that of others we are using pictures and does mine match theirs? Problem is we miss out on feeling truth. A relationship may not look the part but energetically it may be perfect for what we need in the moment to learn from or it can look amazing but we remain stuck and retard ourselves.
Beautiful Adam, when we don’t have compassion we do not have difference and so there is no separation or individuality between us. One-ness. As Serge Benhayon has presented to us before — we are never ever meant to be individual as come from One Soul.
I love what you’ve shared Danna, this is very true and deeply inspiring. This means when we live as one with ourselves and others, there is no room for comparison to creep in.
When we use comparison we are effectively saying what I have is just fine and we’re justifying (even if only to ourselves). We are not being truthful and we are not having the relationship we know we could have either with ourselves or those around us. We’ve capped our relationship into the current comfort and we use comparison without another as a useful diversion to not look deeper and be the truth of who we are.
“As human beings we like to look out at all that we consider as evil in society, and so long as our life compares well to such darkness, we do not question whether or not what we have is actually true.”
This is why I think there is so much “NEWS” watching. It’s like we look out into the world and see all the extremes of abuse and that distracts us from seeing and feeling the more subtle forms going on in our own homes. We need to look with more honesty and take more responsibility.
Great point Irena. The sensational headlines get the most hits because most use them to make their own choices seem ‘better’. Meanwhile we miss out on the real news and the things we need to know so we can get out of this mess together.
In a world almost devoid of role models for true love it is understandable that we choose comparison to the extremes as a way to place ourselves on the scale of what is abusive or not. However, we are not completely devoid of role models thanks to the Benhayon family and many other students of the Way of the Livingness. Those that are reflecting true love in relationship have now exposed the ‘norm’ we have called love, for being a lesser form of abuse – one that can be tolerated when we don’t know true love exists.
Some great questions are posed throughout this blog, well worth taking a moment to consider them.
We’ve used binary opposites to decide what is good and bad – but it seems to be much simpler when we bring it back to truth. So rather than asking is my relationship with someone good, I ask if it is true.
Comparison lurks deep within many relationships, keeping both parties held down, not allowing them to shine as who they are. It only takes one to decide both are worth more than that and the tie that holds them down is broken.
Spot on Heather, many can cling to the comfort of an arrangement, when you settle for this you both remain stunted and don’t evolve in anyway.
All of what I consider as relationships push my buttons and show me especially the cycle of abuse that I have accepted. It is very alarming and devastating to be shown this and it is with love that I am shown this and also the choice of love to say no. It is always my choice.
Being quietly acquiescent or meek for that matter is the other side of the coin of what we would generally call outright and demonstrable abusive behaviour – neither one is even remotely close to our true nature.
Comparison leads to compromise, and compromise leads to us losing who we are in truth, and losing truth.
This article hits a different gear, there is a quality with this writing from the first to the last word that really stands you up and has you listening. Comparison keeps us not seeing the full and true picture of what is going on, it brings with it a reality that keeps in within the same circle. Like other things it also gains momentum from the first point and so you think a little comparing is ok or that you only do it in one area then this is the trick and while the thought maybe accurate the action thereafter goes into every point. We can’t segregate parts of life off and say ‘I only do it here or with this person’ etc, it’s all one whole part and so compare in one part of your life and it’s in all your life and more that you just haven’t seen it. This is a great exposure for us into comparison and how when we start to see it for what it is we become aware of how blind this behaviour has kept us to be.
We use the extremes to justify the middle ground, the place where the true evil dwells.
A few years ago, when my relationship with my partner wasn’t in a loving place, I heard how unloving another couple were acting towards one another and found myself having thinking perhaps my relationship wasn’t that bad after all and perhaps I should be grateful for it and not rock the boat. Had I listened to these thoughts and those accompanying it (address the lovelessness in this relationship and your is likely to leave and then you’ll never get another relationship like this one) we would have continued to allow the unloving behaviour and it would have festered.
The right and wrong the good and the bad are all comparisons that are a set up to keep us distracted from connecting to our divine truth that we are all equal sons of God we are all on our own pathway back to who we truly are regardless of how many detours along the way we are choosing.
This is certainly asking the reader to consider what love truly is, and how that actually looks, and more importantly feels, in a relationship. These questions really need to be asked otherwise we get comfortable with standards, we do not explore the full potential for human life. We look, as you say, at evil and sit comfortably back into the absence of such extremes, we see that as living and relating well, but we mark our standards against the extremes, not truly looking then for the depths of love and care we can bring to ourselves and human life.
This blog also asks us to consider the devastating effect of choosing self-loathing and lack of self-worth. Because – what is it that leads us to settle the way we do? When we know all along within us that the raising of the voice, the dismissive look, is far from the loving gesture we do know and want – what causes us to accept it in the first place? In that yearning to be loved when love is not what we have nurtured for ourselves, ‘something’ will do even if it’s not the real deal.
It’s only when we begin to nurture that inner gaping space that is asking for this love, that we begin to set the bar up again where it ought to be – for and within ourselves and from there, across everything and everyone else in our lives.
Not only does comparison annihilate the person who chooses it when they compare themselves to another, it annihilates societies en masse by lowering the bar so much that we settle for less and less of the truth in our lives.
Anything between two people who are not transparent and honest in communication is abuse. This abuse will reveal itself in many different forms. Abuse is hurled and perpetuated because it is allowed. There is responsibility in both parties, always.
Could it be when we think we are doing the right thing and being good we are as you say Adam is just another form of abuse because to think you are good or right always comes with being righteous! Being good, right, bad, behaving so well and righteous all always come from a comparison.
Leaving us with the Truth of the Soul that shares Love without comparing because we are all equally Sons of God.
Abuse can come in many forms, and can be evident or extremely subtle and hidden. It is only now through my choice to consistently bring more love and presence to myself that hidden forms of abuse I had towards myself are starting to emerge to be seen and healed.
We do not think abuse is how we are, we often relate it to physical violence, but these barbed words can stay lodged in someone for a lot longer than a punch or a knife can. Of course violence is awful, but so to is the irresponsible way we use words and the energy behind them.
Comparison kills us, we’re all here for the same reason but to learn different things, it would be so much wiser to be inspired by someone who has learnt something already that we haven’t, and to be there to help those who have not learnt the things we have already learnt.
“Comparison leads to compromise.” Absolutely and compromise creates ambiguity and puts life into separate compartments of what we feel is ok and what is not, but if it is just ok, then what are we saying yes too? Life, love, work and relationships are not separate, they are apart of an all in one option, because if we compromise one area of our lives then we compromise all.
So true Kelly, we pull our socks up in one area of our life it will eventually ripple to every aspect.
It is true that truth is truth and it is universal. It can’t be compared. Truth is absolute in our hearts and body and there is never any compromise, something a little bit away from truth is no longer true. We can love each other in our own ways and the truth is we know there is love felt, but the expression of this love is often far from loving but we have made it into what we call love because of a myriad ways we want to protect ourselves in. Love then is measured, it is like one part of us knows what love is, but another part of us expresses love measured, then is there love or no love? If we measure ourselves in one area in our life, in one relationship in our lives, we end up limiting ourselves in all areas.
Choosing comparison destroys relationships and prevents us from evolving. I have experienced this myself and I can see the damage and pain it causes.
Some great points raised in this blog for us to ponder on, ‘ how do we know we have found a relationship of love, and not just one of mutual convenience that serves to keep us blind to the true nature of our own existence?’
Wow this blog really asks us to look at what our point of reference is in our life, our relationships and what lies behind our actions. If the reference point is not love and coming back to love when we know we have strayed; but a reference point that is far from love and justified as ok because it’s better than that which is further from love, then we are adrift in the lovelessness of our society.
“Comparison leads to compromise.” So true Adam, and when we set the bar so low as to what abuse is, we allow much abuse to happen in our society.
If we set the bar in which we measured abuse really, really high then this alone would pull us all up and introduce honesty, truth, discussion and change. I am now living in a way that sets the bar incredibly high. I used to put up with abuse, for example I tolerated people being rude and angry with me, something that I no longer do. And I am very comfortable telling people that I will have to walk away if they continue to be angry or talk to me the way that they are. It feels very honouring of Me to have such non negotiable standards. And what I am finding is that my standards of what I’m prepared to accept are in constant flux, as I deepen the love and care that I have for myself.
This is such a beautiful blog in that it highlights to take nothing for granted but always look deeper within and deepen our truth.
This blog really needs to be read and read and read again to get even a glimpse of what you are sharing here. Our world is very much at odds with the truth of what could be lived if we were connected to our Souls rather than our minds as it is for the majority today.
‘anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people should be seen as abusive.’ I agree. That means currently we have a mighty lot of abusive relationships in the world! Also when we talk about relationships it is not just the relationship with a man and women it can be man with man, woman with women, parent with child, brother with sister, teacher with child … we have literally so many relationships in our everyday lives.
There is so much more to relationships. The Hollywood image of love is very two dimensional, yet we fall for it and then get a big shock when things don’t work out. We are not taught what skills are needed to be in a relationship, and most crucially we are not taught about the most important relationship and that is the one with ourselves.
This habit of comparing our life experiences is reflected in the way we live – constantly repeating what we did yesterday in an attempt to recreate a past joy. But how sad is this? even if we did experience a pleasure we are trapped in the thought that having this again is the best life can be. Measuring our life from old memories and things that are not even true, guaratees a set of decisions that are going to be skewed. Your words remind me Adam to return to the one true barometer, what is and is not Love.
Our propensity to judge our behaviour or situation against the extremes in society, be it illness, relationships etc, is a big part of the slippery slope we are experiencing in the quality of all aspects of our lives. When we look to the extremes we lose our inner barometer of what is decent and respectful, let alone what is loving. This is what we need to come back to and always use as our measure.
What you share about comparison is brilliant Adam. When we choose to go into comparison we are choosing a lesser form of being that breeds harm and ugliness in our lives and the world we live in.
Great quote by Thoreau, though I feel it extends beyond comparison to encompass the good behaviours we adopt or live by, thinking ‘doing good’ or ‘being good’ is ‘it’ when we are either living in a kind of comfort (if I’m good, that’s enough) or consciously using a facade of good to mask bad behaviours.
In fact we allow comparison into our lives to distract ourselves from our responsibility in life. The responsibility that we have to live in accordance with the human dignity and respect we innately are from but conveniently are ignoring and instead use comparison to justify and cover our bad choices.
It is so easy to use comparison, even with our own selves. Justifying a behaviour, rather than studying it in the knowing that it may not be a true alignment with our soul is based on comparison. It is with deep humility that one let’s go and again allows our true tender loving way to bring us out of the trap that comparison is.
Wow Leigh, as I was reading your comment, I realise how often comparison can still sneak in and plague my everyday life and my relationships. It certainly is a trap that drains our life and society, not at all loving or supportive for anyone.
It can seem too intricate, too far-fetched to hold ourselves to this marker of absolute Love you mention Adam. But the more I live and go on in life, the clearer it is to my eyes that we are constantly discussing, measuring and understanding our world from the point of view of what doesn’t work. If we started from what feels great and we know is of truth, wow, this would radically change our day.
This is a great point Joseph – we have the starting point all wrong. Instead of starting from the lack and looking out for something to compare it to, thus bringing the ‘poison’ into our body, far better to start with the fullness within and let that express out without imposition.
It’s true – pointing the finger at another/s with judgement and condemnation for their more overtly abusive ways can be a good distraction from truly reflecting on the quality of life that we lead ourself… This is not to say that we should condone or turn a blind eye to abuse when we see it but to have the humility to be deeply honest with ourselves about the way that we live our life and are in all our relationships, so that we can continually unfold a truer and more loving way of being for all.
If I desert my body and live only from my mind, I need to find a scale from which to live. I need to know which way to go and where to step. And so my brain works overtime to calculate this, based on what it sees. It’s existence is then a kind state of constant judgement, critiquing everything endlessly. The only way I have found to short circuit this destructive loop is to learn to tune in to how I feel, as I speak, as I move. Herein lives the greatest feedback you can get – measured in the warmth of Love or the chill of contraction. Your clinical debasing of comparison Adam makes a brilliant case for returning to live in a body-focused way.
I agree with all you are presenting here Adam. The truth is that there are only 2 sources of energy from which we can choose to express from. One is love – our divine core – and the other is not. This means that in any given moment we can either choose to express this love, or not express it. It really is that simple – black or white. However we invent the shades of grey by virtue of withholding the expression of our love and thus calling upon (inviting in) all that is not of this love, in order for us to express something that is not natural for us to express, as it does not come from the essence of who we are, although it does become very common.
It is this ‘commonality’ that affords us an excuse to keep choosing to express from this source of energy by virtue of the fact that ‘everyone else is doing it’. On top of this we then draw upon the light of comparison to further add weight to our choice to not express love and in so doing give ourselves yet another excuse for our wayward choice by living in the self-created illusion that one form of loveless expression (e.g. a cross word to a partner or child etc.) is excusable because it is not as ‘bad’ as a more extreme form of loveless expression e.g. domestic violence or murder. And while we can agree that the former example is certainly not as severe as the latter, what we are not yet admitting is that they are both sourced from one and the same source of energy which is everything we call on to not express in full the love that we are.
Such an ouch blog, you either deepen in your love or react and avoid the truth that’s shared. Brilliant.
All reaction is an avoidance because it is an ‘away from’ ourselves and when we step away from ourselves it’s impossible to deepen. So many of us are in an almost permanent state of reaction, which in truth means that all we’re doing is thrashing around on the surface of who we are and not ever going deeper into the truth of who we all are, which in actual fact is the truth of Life.
Comparison allows us to justify so much of what is not our truest expression in so many ways, in relationships that is clearly highlighted in this blog. To say ‘Another is worse than me, therefore I am ok’ is an excuse to take no responsibility for expression which we know is also nowhere near our highest or truest expression of love. If we had this as our measure, it would be a very different story.
Comparison has such devastating consequences. If we use comparison as our marker, or reference point ie. compare ourselves to others, we can always justify our own abusive behaviours so long as they are not as bad as those we judge around us. Living life this way everyone stays in the mire as there is no-one offering true inspiration by living in absolute truth.
A great quote you share here Adam – indeed what false consciousness possesses us to be behaving so well, including nice, good, charitable, tolerant and in many other ways that keep us far away from the divine essence within, where harmony and love are the all for the all.
“The greater part of what my neighbours call good, I believe in my Soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behaviour. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?”
We can measure our existence as much as we like but in our very essence, the core of our being, we know what is abuse – everything that is not love.
“….how do we know we have found a relationship of love, and not just one of mutual convenience that serves to keep us blind to the true nature of our own existence?” A profound point – and an uncomfortable one for many of us too. There is no comparison between an ‘arrangement’ and true love, which beholds, understands, supports the other to evolve and doesn’t judge. .
When we connect to who we truly are and where we are from, we would never meet another in anything but love. Yet we live in a world where it is very challenging to remember and be all that we are and so abuse plays out.
Adam you write with power, strength, wisdom, and authority, and you offer the read much to consider. You are asking us to look at the bar that has been set and that many of us live to, and consider is it really true. And to re-define our relationship with abuse. Thank you.
Comparison is very much a silent killer of our true beauty and light. For it is there as an undertone to many interactions. If it is not felt and acknowledged, it becomes a part of how we too relate and live. Once felt and acknowledged, our movements do not allow it to be part of our next moment.
It is an eye opener that any thought that holds us back from sharing what we are truly feeling is a form of aligning to abuse – no matter how ‘good’ our intention. If the motivation is other than divine truth for all then it is coming from a loveless source.
The more we allow love into our lives the more we see and feel what is not love and our markers change. Where we might have put up with certain behaviours in the past we choose now no longer to entertain them, realising how harmful they are. We can follow that adage of being a fish in the sea and not get wet. This way honours our relationships and all with whom we come into contact.
Understanding that comparison is the root of evil will start to unravel and expose where evil lies. Exposing ‘good’ is part of the same intention of comparing one act against another.
The more we embrace the love we are the more we notice the abuse that many have considered ‘normal’.
Great article Adam, there is much to ponder on here, I can feel that it is rare to hear about and observe truly loving relationships, from what I have observed there is often tension, unresolved issues, bitterness, resentment, judgment and this all just seems normal as most of the relationships that I see are like this, it is interesting how we then consider this ‘normal’ and the way relationships are. And how we accept this rather than making sure relationships evolve and are about love.
This is relevant not just for relationships with a partner but for all relationships – friends, work colleagues, our kids, our parents. Abuse slips in all over the show and can be so “normal” we don’t even realise it is abuse.
‘It is OUR WANT to remain settling for less than we truly are, and not the result of those extremes or overtly abusive behaviours.’ It is only when we become honest enough to realise this that true healing can begin.
‘It is OUR WANT to remain settling for less than we truly are, and not the result of those extremes or overtly abusive behaviours.’ Absolutely Jenny, well said.
This is a stunningly written piece Adam, bringing complete sense to the fact that… “we like to look out at all that we consider as evil in society, and so long as our life compares well to such darkness, we do not question whether or not what we have is actually true.” And to even consider that the ‘good’ we champion and have settled for in our own comparative lives, is even worse, due to the illusionary state it lulls us into.
What strikes me too however is that we don’t necessarily settle BECAUSE we have a worse comparison to judge our own behaviour/lives by, but that we keep our focus on what it is that is worse, which then allows us to continue the illusion of doing good or being ok. It is OUR WANT to remain settling for less than we truly are, and not the result of those extremes or overtly abusive behaviours.
Accepting anything less than love is abuse, understanding this for me makes life very clear and simple. Even the most subtle forms of abuse becomes super clear and obvious.
Tolerance keeps us away from Love and true relationship. It harbours hate and dissension under a veneer of ‘nice’ that can turn at any time.
To accept abuse is abuse
Lovely sharing Adam, and great question you raised in your blog when we talk about love ‘But how do we know, especially when we have used the evil of comparison as the corrupt mechanism by which we gauge all of life?’ I have found true love to be when you call out anything that is not love, it is easy to fool ourselves that when we compromise with each other we are being loving, but what if there was no need for compromise and relationships were built on a foundation of honesty and love.
So true, to measure our happiness, quality of life, the love we perceive, by how another is doing, is not loving. It bolsters a false understanding and knowing of love.
This is something I have been in the grip of for many a life, only now starting to see my way clearly. If we do not choose to see the might of love we all come from, and hence the might of love we can all chose to live in, then what we choose to compare to is always going to be void of this love.
A great exposure of the many faces, facets and forms of accepted ‘normal’ behaviours that are not recognised as abusive as they are not physically violent. How de-sensitising comparison is.
We are so very much grander than we allow ourselves to be aware of. The levels of love that are available to us are almost unfathomable so why settle for abuse!
It’s easy to accept abuse when we haven’t set a clear reference point of love and nothing but love.
Absolutely, it is easy to accept abuse when we do not accept love within ourselves.
Comparison can be used as a ‘get out of jail free’ card for poor behaviour, justifying it as acceptable. It never really works though, for the body knows it is living as less than it is and sooner or later that poor behaviour is exposed.
“… anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people should be seen as abusive.”
This is absolutely true Adam and something we have lost our sensitivity to as a populace. Abuse has become the physical bashing, or at the very least a raised and harsh voice, but what you are sharing is so much more than that.
A movement made in frustration, a gesture of aggression, a word spoken with disrespect for the essence of who we are… that is the level we need to restore our sensitivity to, before we will begin to truly understand abuse. This can only happen from the body’s response to these things as a disturbance, which means from a body that is not only living that degree of love and harmony every day, but is also prepared to say no to those disturbances when they occur.
You raise some really great points Adam, especially around how we tolerate, defend and justify our existence regarding relationships. What we are willing to accept and put up with. There is always a moving yard stick depending on where we are at in life. But if we make the foundation love, there is a different playing field in which to benchmark what and how to be with each other.
Adam, truly gorgeous, as you say: what demon has possessed me that I behaved so well.. This is a very good example of how good behavior can be based on comparison if we don’t truly feel the energy behind it. I have heard it said that: Comparison is the thief of Joy – hence we know well how to sabotage ourselves and our environment too.
This same comparison is used all through life and not just in relationships. We may even compare ourselves with our former selves to justify why we are quite ok as we are now. But life offers us evolution and unless we continually make that choice and consistently choose the path of evolution, contrary to what we may think – things won’t stay the same, they will get worse as we are supposed to evolve.
how do we know we have found a relationship of love, and not just one of mutual convenience that serves to keep us blind to the true nature of our own existence? A great question Adam, and for me, having been in a relationship based on mutual convenience and accepting that as love, you are always wanting for something because the love you claim that is there, is totally empty.
the quote at the end by Thoreau says much – in that it highlights how we have allowed ourselves to be fooled by the highest virtues of what we call good as being the highest echelons of potential, when the truth is we are far more than that which we espouse to be good. What we call good should be the bare minimum standard by which we define all relationships.
So much of my ‘good’ behaviour has been about conforming and not rocking the boat because I learnt early that speaking my truth was not well received. Truth is sorely needed to call out the arrangements that we have settled for that are the foundations that the more extreme behaviours are built on and justified from.
There is so much justification of behaviour because it is not as bad as the extremes that we are fed for example by the media but this is such a cop out and I can feel how I have justified doing/and particularly not doing things by comparing what I have witnessed elsewhere and how this diminishes my relationships because any compromise is felt by the other person.
Comparison can keep us feeling very comfortable. As long as we are doing better than some, we see ourselves as doing OK. The flip side is that when we see a relationship that is more loving, are we inspired to make changes, or do we look away because we don’t want to rock the boat and move from the comfortable position. It can be very challenging to see where we have compromised and settled for less.
In the connection of two people we have as a society settled for much less than is on offer. We have settled for disdain, dismissiveness, lack of care and much more. In truth the love and tenderness that can be between two people (regardless of whether they are in an intimate relationship or not) is there for the taking. We just need to decide not to settle for less.
If we were to be truly honest we would be able to say that we do actually know when we allow abuse of any degree in our lives, we simply choose to override out truth. It is just we are not willing to take responsibility for the reason as to why we are choosing to be less than the love we are and deserve to live with. It is time to self-reflect, discuss and redefine what abuse truly means, as then we will truly be able to not only address and arrest the increasingly devastating abuse that is visibly developing out of control in our society, but also heal why we as a society are allowing it and accepting less that the absolute love we rightfully deserve to live.
Comparison is evil – it makes someone less according to a false reality and there are no winners.
How often do we choose the current definition of ‘Normal’ to justify our behaviour, and the ‘Normal’ has a very strong relationship to comparison. Both can become very twisted depending on what we use as our first marker of what is true.
It’s very uncomfortable to be confronted with a possibility what we have settled for is so far off from the truth of what is – how poor it is to accept something just because that is not as bad as whatever the extreme – it challenges and rocks our value.
So very true we have made comparison our guiding marker which has nothing to do with the truth we know deep down but keeps us in a slumber far away from the love that could be lived.
Oh Adam, your blog stings me deep as I feel the demons that have controlled my moves. As the extraction begins the lines become crisp and the expansion of truth is felt again.
We all know very well what love is and what true is but if we do not want to see it or live up to it we can use anything and everything to justify. Yet truth is truth and love is love and we can not change this fact.
“Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.” This is so profound Adam. When we compare we can feel ‘better than’ or ‘worse than’ – neither of which is true. We are the subject of our choices – and learning to accept and appreciate who and where we are at allows us to change. Developing a loving relationship with ourselves – without any comparison – then allows us to evolve.
Comparison can lead to compromise, and it can also lead to a sense of inflated (baseless) worth, or a sense of no worth. In any case the results of comparison are not those that lead to a loving relationship with yourself.
Adam, thank you for this amazing and powerful blog. I now understand comparison on a deeper level. This is supporting me to be more aware of the many insidious forms of comparison I have been choosing and experiencing. With more awareness this enables me to expose it and dissolve its harmful effects and bring love to my relationships.
These few words are very powerful and look to debase the whole poor foundation (if you can call it that!) our relationships have been built upon. ‘the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged.’ Basically saying if we are basing our relationships on what we see today in the world then it is not going to take much to make them a little bit better. But what is ‘better’? Better is not the true reflection or livingness of our divine way of being where brotherhood, equality and love are a few of the principles relationships are truly based on. If we came from here first we would see the absolute mess of our relationships within the world today.
I have started observing more my own movements and others to find abuse is very common, and how no one calls it out, is it because we all keep quiet about what we see, because if we do call it out we have to be more responsible to humanity and ourselves?
If we continue to measure life from what we have known we will perpetually be owned by the past. If we look to others for a sense of safety in us, we will always be chasing an out of reach carrot. And most of all as you show Adam we miss out completely on our true beauty. There is no-one I need to copy or to beat, all that’s needed is to be simply be me.
Beautiful Anon, our world is full of theories and essays on who is to blame, and even in our everyday lives there’s a palpable sense of how ‘everything would be alright if it wasn’t for other people’. Your words cut all that down and make it so clear the beauty and loveliness of our life starts and ends with how much we honour our light.
Adam a great blog, because we normally only accept or see the extreme as abuse, yet we allow ourselves not to notice or see many everyday behaviours that are abusive.
The more love I allow into my life the more it exposes abuse of any kind. Adam your blog is very powerful in exposing how we have let comparison of others be the marker to what we see as being abusive or not. I know that when I hold myself in love then abuse of any kind is not an acceptable in my life.
Once we connect to the fact that we are ALL forever students, developing, expanding and evolving and that there is no end point we can actually welcome having exposed anything that is not of love for every time an action, behaviour, habit, belief, pattern etc that is not of love is exposed and let go off it makes way for more love, joy, truth, harmony and stillness in our life.
We spend so long in relationships in things like comparison, judgement and protection but all of this is avoiding feeling stillness which is where our true love in a relationship is found.
The irony is what one person defines as abuse another doesn’t. This in itself creates much disharmony and frustration.
Very true Suse, which is why it is so important to set a standard and a foundation that you agree upon to not fall below and you reassess your actions and behavior regularly
Comparison makes anything complicated, connecting to and listening to how we feel often comes very black and white and with that we can’t hide anything. I still find this confronting and yet cannot deny how simple life is the more I accept the black and white rather than using huge amounts of energy to hide in the grey in between.
When I look around me I see so many relationships/marriages that appear to be only for “mutual convenience” and when I observe the individuals closely I see eyes that are dulled and feel hearts that are all but closed. To live in this mostly commonly accepted state is bound to have negative effects on each of the bodies as there has most definitely been compromise to keep the relationship going, with this compromise flowing into resentment, judgment, tolerance and many other emotions that are inflicted on the body that is carrying them; a body that feels the weight of the lack of honesty with every movement.
This is awesome Adam, so often we hear comments of comparison to justify how things are, yet as you point out, when we use love and the marker- this exposes the truth of all that is happening in the relationship.
These are wise words. To ask ourselves with each incident, “Is this love? Is this loving behavior?”
A moment to pause and reflect on our behaviour in this simple way of asking this question, is key to being more aware of the abusive behaviour we may be caught in.
“Is this love? Is this loving behavior?”
Comparison is reductionism – reducing oneself and others to the parameters we measure with thereby no longer seeing the greater picture nor the wholeness of a person. So why should we have the interest to compare? It allows us to be defined by individuality.
Comparison keeps us very human and stuck in patterns, behaviours, beliefs, ideals, materials and so on, instead of us using what we can feel to make decisions that best suit what is needed. In other words, we can play the comparison card to negate the responsibility of reading energy and going beyond the physical.
There is a great deal of difference between good and truth. There is judgment in good; meeting expectations (others or self), meeting needs for recognition etc. Truth is just that…truth. It needs nothing, no compromise, no-one considered less.
There is no truth in good whatsoever, it’s as simple as that.
Adam Warbuton…ouch..that was brilliant. Evil dwells in places we don’t wish look.
So many of us live in a climate of perpetual comparison, never ever feeling that we are as ‘good’ as the other person, forever wanting what they have and chastising ourselves if we cannot achieve it. Living like this only serves to disconnect us from our true selves and in doing so life becomes a challenge instead of the joy it is actually meant to be.
Yes, how do we know…? Thoreau: “…I believe in my Soul…” – our Soul knows and when we know how to be connected with our Soul we know what is true love and what is not. So, it all starts with and comes down to connection with something that innately knows – our body and our Soul who both carry the absoluteness of love without any need for comparison with anything outside of ourselves.
Evil has many guises. It works at the opposite ends of the spectrum so we become either alarmed or elated by the events and while lost in this distraction evil gets to work where we do not cast our gaze in the comfortable middle ground we seek to not be exposed to the true evil at play. In the world of comparison, no truth will be found.
There is no comparison in truth.
Comparison is like a murky swamp: for you cannot see the bottom and what lies beneath. It is only honesty and truth that we begin to undo all the hurts and beliefs of what society classes as abuse, because without this we will continue to live with a level of comfort and illusion for what is, but that which is not true.
Our lives are full of false standards we use to assess how and what we are doing. Setting standards based on truths is a highly noble task that are very very needed. Only them can free us from the illusion of abuse in its various shapes, colours and forms.
I can feel the massive difference between tolerating another’s differences and true harmony in relationships when you describe compromise Adam. Unfortunately we have ignored and not dealt with the way we live in disharmony and settled for peace.
‘As human beings we like to look out at all that we consider as evil in society, and so long as our life compares well to such darkness, we do not question whether or not what we have is actually true’.
This is so true, rarely do we hear people use love as a reference marker and ask if the situation had been truly loving and use this as the foundation, instead we often justify our position by referencing something that is worse.
What you say is very true Adam and it all starts with our relationship with ourselves and our bodies. It is only as we become more loving that we start to see how abusive we have been with ourselves. We can only be as loving with others as we are with ourselves.
Very true Nicola, the more loving we are with ourselves the more we can see the abuse we have allowed from ourselves and others.
Many people when they first start seeing more abuse actually become quite imposing ie abusive themselves in calling out abuse in others. There is a constant adjustment needed whereby we increase our observation and understanding.
“the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged.” This is a profound statement and as someone who has been around for a few decades I have witnessed how behaviour that was once known to be abusive is now considered the norm and unremarkable.
Big silence…profound words…..”Comparison leads to compromise.”, and compromise is dangerous, it degrades, it is disharmonious and we do not live our potential…we can still live full loving lives with all, without compromising ourselves or anyone else.
Comparison to abhorrent behaviour as a way to justify our own behaviour is compounding the abuse at play. There is the actions themselves which we know deep down to be abusive, but to then use a justification to make the act seem not so bad, is lying to ourselves and burying the abuse even deeper within ourselves. We know the truth. It is felt in our hearts. We just need to have the courage and honesty to claim it as what we will live.
“Comparison leads to compromise.” thank you Adam, you have beautifully described the reason why as a society we are where we are today and it is only through us developing our relationship with truth and our bodies and accepting ourselves for who we are that we can move forward and break away from that which is not of our true essence.
I’ve noticed that people’s impression of fat and thin seem to have changed because of their comparison to “the norm”. Obesity is rampant and so our impressions of what is fat have changed. Being somewhat overweight is no longer a problem. This is a dangerous path in any health professionals book.
This is a much needed piece in the world today, where we often use comparison to justify some of the very wayward things that are happening in our society. It allows people to not really feel what is going on when they justify it with another example.
Comparison is that insidious way we use the outer world to come to a conclusion that our life is “good” instead of listening to and following the absolute truth of our inner heart.
Comparison can also lead us to believe that our life isn’t good, which is just as damaging as using comparison to convince ourselves that life is good. Both are false and have no roots in truth.
To start considering things as either love or abuse puts things in pretty matter of fact, stark terms. Things are black or white, no grey areas. It can be confronting, as we look at our lives and see all the areas that we’ve been justifying to ourselves as okay, and that we put up with – even down to how we treat ourselves. But to see things as either loving or abusive, harming or healing, puts things in a different perspective, where we can see what’s true and what’s not, and make more loving choices from there.
In regard to how we view what is considered to be abuse in our society today, provocative and honest conversations are what is needed, if we are to arrest the varying degrees of abuse that are accepted as a normal way of life for many. When we compare ourselves to the atrocities, the evils, the darkness that exist in the world, and settle for the illusion that we are doing ‘OK’ as we are not that far gone, we instantly relinquish the great Love we innately are, can live for ourselves and with each other, and allow the evil to continue to run uninterrupted. Developing our relationship with self-honesty is vital if we are to arrest the momentum of abuse in our society. Our understanding of what Love truly is, is the greatest marker of what living true and loving relationships, as it is the degree in which we Love is truly lived with ourselves that brings light, honor, respect, truth and Soulfulness to enrichen all our relationships and live the greatness of Love we all deserve.
Especially as the norm in this society has dipped to such a low point, that it makes it very easy to say “At least I’m not like that…”
“Comparison leads to compromise and the acceptance of something that is less” – You raise many excellent and very true points here Adam, that are well worth taking the time to ponder deeper and see where they may apply in our lives.
Extremism is pretty functional for human beings because it offers an obvious reflection of horror that appeases us due to the fact that it has nothing to do with what we consider our experience. So, there lie them and here is us. This comforting thoughts, however, help us to play down the fact that we accept behaviours, situations where abuse is still on the air. Imagine for a minute that there are no extremisms anylonger and that the new normal is lack of abuse and then that we have to judge our actions, behaviours based on the new normal. Where will we go with many of our current ways?
Its the measure unto which comparison stands that we lose sight of what true expression and honesty holds for intimacy and love in all relationships.
Incredible Adam – what a power in this piece. What a real and obvious truth. Gorgeous to read just how it is, no bla bla or good behavior. When we do no longer choose to seek comfort and life from evil, we will be expressing to extend the absolute truth there is. `Just like you have chosen , Adam. Exactly that. Those who seek truth – will be observant and easy evil catchers!
Interesting that comparison can be used equally effectively as self calming and comforting as it can being whipped into a frenzy of jealousy and loathing. But move both these extremes towards each other and you do not get love, you get emptiness. Here in lies the exposing truth that love is of a different nature and energy and need never be confused with comparison to something better or worse.
Adam a great article for us all to consider, I know I would compare how I am with others or myself looking to be better and “good” yet in that was living far from “truth”. It is easy to see what act is evil such as rape, war etc.. but when it comes to living in an arrangement with another, not being love we get away with it in comparison yet there is no truth in that. There is a deep sense of being lost even though to many life looks good. I have also discovered that to be the real trap.
Adam, each phrase you write is like poetry to my ears, you are a modern philosopher and when I read your articles my heart is warm…a builder by trade, a solid role model to all men, thank you for your exquisite mind and the strength in your body that enables you to deliver such written gold.
Thankyou Sarah. What can say by reply to that, but again thank you. You are as always authentic and genuine to the bone, displaying your heart on your sleeve as they say, and that is a rare thing in this world.
Love the quote you share here Adam by Henry Thoreau, it cuts through our adopted beliefs and ideals about love and the truth of what love is, which can sometimes be uncomfortable and hard hitting.
This blog really does question the true meaning of the word love and exposes the lies and falsities of what we think love is.
A very bad habit of ours and also thwarting of our evolution – to look at something abysmal and think ourselves or our situation better because it looks more benign on the outside or the behaviour is not as extreme as what ‘others’ do. This stance is truly a dead end and keeps us locked away from who we truly are.
Compromise and comparison, so much destruction wrought from these words, and powerful paradigms to be free of .
We do have an inner knowing that supports us, comparison may therefore be the tool we give our power to, to stay in the comfort of stagnation.
I very much enjoyed re-reading this blog because there is so much truth in it and reading the truth makes it very refreshing. There is much evil in comparison. It dulls us in an effort to stop us from facing the truth of our own choices.
Compromising on what we know to be true just because it’s not as bad as… really does lead us into a blurred haze of ambiguity. And the illusion is that we’re not harming but we are it just doesn’t look so repulsive as the grosser forms of it…
By inviting judgment to the game, comparison does indeed makes the world grey and bleak.
Comparison is but a measure for which we allow levels of abuse into our lives and it is one that we frequently view from images and beliefs that are found outside our own backyards i.e relationships for which we think we are doing well. This is but a falsity and stops us feeling what is truly needed in all of our relationships today. Our connection to our own hearts sets the foundation for love and true learning and it is here that there is no room for comparison, because our love is full and ever expanding.
Awesome blog Adam, exposing the evil of comparison. Often when we are in comparison we are not always aware of it and some may see it as fairly normal but what you’ve so brilliantly exposed is that the evil of comparison harms humanity and blinds us to truth.
Amazing – thank you Adam – this shows the world that we can end comparison/ jealously and measurement. That it is no fun or truth to walk half way , not fully dressed you – so to speak. It is so important that we are fully ourselves and express everything we are, feeling and come from.
If we use something on the outside to define ourselves, we are lost and at the mercy of that something outside of us – we effectively give our power away to an outside force. What we need is a marker on the inside, a solid feeling that we can refer back to, knowing what love is and then live that and let things on the outside adjust accordingly.
We cannot take measure towards the outside without the knowing on the inside. We know what is right and true for us but we tend to sabotage ourselves by comparing ourselves to what others have and do and thus creating cycles of many stories and possibilities. I know this too well. When I compare myself how others are, have, eat, drink, talk, sleep etc. I enter an arena of so many possibilities that it makes me dizzy and hard to choose, but when I take my own body as a marker and listen to what I know deep inside, the possibilities shrink with every self-loving choice I make and I realise in the end that there is only one choice left, to either choose what I know is true for me, simple and sweet, or run with the many offers on sale, entering a cycle of a thousand possibilities.
You talk about “living in a mutually abusive relationship”, one that might look sort of okay from the outside but is really more an arrangement than a true relationship; it is interesting to note how easily we can settle for this kind of ‘good’ when we innately know a far grander version of love, consciously or not. Is it maybe our coping mechanisms and various lifestyle choices with their multitude of numbing devices and entertainment options that make it possible to soldier on, despite our better knowing?
I can feel more the responsibility to be completely open and sharing with my partner, to not hold back on saying anything and in taking things to places that feel uncomfortable, for in truth I feel more discomfort in not being honest and how that affects how I feel in my body and how abusive it is to my partner. We all have to take our own time to feel what is abusive to us but the more we are willing to accept that relationships should grow and grow the more we will be able to accept what is actually abuse if that growth isn’t taking place.
The antidote to comparison is acceptance, the more we can love and accept ourselves the more we can love and accept another.
Comparison is a dullier that gives us the justification to live much less.
Comparison caps the level of intimacy and love we bring to all our relationships, as we operate according to what others are living and not from the impulse of our heart and the universe which is always asking us to be more of who we are.
‘I’m better than I used to be’, ‘today was a good day because I did not do X like I usually do’, ‘so and so was friendlier to me that must be good for me’ we are trained and constantly measure life’s events from a compass of what we have had, where we have been and seen. Operating in this way is like having one page of a map, and then finding out life is not restricted to this bit but there are actually 249 other pages you can have. None of our systems for gauging life, are based on Love. If we forget this crucial fact then what are we refining and improving? a true way that is destined to deliver health and vitality or a restricted, twisted and reduced form of getting through? Thank you Adam, for highlighting how our measurement tools trap us in the very prison we seek to escape.
It’s so true Adam. ’The propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged’ is eroding our sense of what is actually abuse and what is not abuse and we all need to open our eyes to this fact.
I could say that comparison still runs in my life and it is true what you say here Adam that it leads to us accepting less and each accepted less builds onto another lesser acceptance of how we are to live in life until it reaches our own bar of unacceptability. It’s at this point we then turn back around and start to not accept these lesser ways of life. And in the past I’ve chosen to play the unaware card and be confused about how I have let things slide so much and considered myself wrong to have allowed it to get ‘this bad’ in the first place, but all of that is just drama created to avoid the fact that regardless of the outcome it was a choice made, a choice that did not come with an opposite choice just like shakespeare’s words ‘to be or not to be’. The acceptance of a lesser quality came from my choice to accept less and it is that same ability that can say no to accepting less. And as I have recently learnt that no matter how much lesser we have accepted our bodies take us straight back to truth should we choose to pay attention.
Comparison not only allows judgment to rear its ugly head but for the devastating emotion of jealousy to enter the picture also.
This blog shows us how comparison can be a shield to hide the reality or the truth of what is really going on between people. Without it, without this shield, we would surely all see exactly where humanity is at as a total race on earth, and from there some pretty huge decisions would have to be made. Perhaps this is what is happening to us all right now. Maybe it is the rise in genuine brotherhood that is bringing to light all the corruption and the abuse that is currently being exposed.
‘Comparison leads to compromise.’ I have experienced this many times and I have recently noticed how I was reacting when I felt comparison coming from others, I notice I contribute to comparison by joining in. It was very interesting to observe what was happening. I realised when I felt comparison coming from another person I tend not to want to deal with it, expose it or acknowledge it is present. I then find myself joining in, continuing the cycle by not exposing it in the first instance or choosing to put a stop to it. I have essentially already said yes to comparison, therefore feeding the evil and vicious cycle of comparison. So, I understand by staying silent and avoiding feeling what is going on is never the answer but by standing up for truth and expose comparison, jealousy and other ill behaviours is and this cuts the vicious cycle instantly.
You often hear that type of thing in conversations, when people don’t want to look at how things really are they will use justifying statements like- ‘At least we don’t have x happening in our neighbourhood’ they use this to attempt to lessen or not feel what is actually going on in their own backyard. Underneath those statements though, there is a knowingness of what is and what isn’t okay.
There is much to consider in this blog. From my personal experience what I thought was a loving relationship has changed over the years as there are things that I do not accept now that I would have 1,2,5,10 years ago. I am also open to making all my relationships even more loving.
an excellent foray into a dark world… And that is the world of comparison… Which competes with competition, dances with separation and is the lodestone of awareness for so many aspects of society, whereas the fulcrum or measuring point should be the relationship that we have with our own inner heart
This blog covers so much, and does indeed challenge the corners where we may buried our own contractual comforts, what we have settled for in a relationship, which is not in fact a true relationship but rather an arrangement – one that we don’t push for truth with our partner, so long as they don’t push us to be more of the truth of who we are. But if we are not holding a reflection of truth to the best of our ability, so that our partner gets to see and know a greater truth of who they are, is this not allowing the perpetuation of a darkness that keeps us all less. Is this not abuse.
You are spot on Adam, there is a whole new level of love we need to bring to our relationships, all of them, in order to expose the actual levels of abuse we have come to accept as normal. We have swung so far left of centre, that we now only see outright physical violence as constituting abuse. Anything less than the absolute love we come from, can be felt as abuse by its energetic quality.
Thank you for not holding this back Adam – we need to hear all of what you’ve expressed, even if it can make some feel uncomfortable or squirm. To me, this is important, feeling the discomfort is way more honest then sitting in the comfort of thinking that our lives are fine when we are settling for emotional love over and above the true Love we are all so capable of living. Feeling the discomfort is when true change can be made.
The use of comparison can give us a false air of ‘getting away with it’ and is pretty much saying NO to taking any responsibility for our actions. I myself have done this with food choices and instead of feeling what food is supportive or not, I say to myself ‘well, so and so eats this, so I can eat that and it doesn’t matter’. What a game to play! There is no lesser evil – separation and irresponsibility is not unifying and it is not love so it is evil. Life is very black and white and we have tried very hard to create a grey area to get away with the lovelessness in our world.
If we use the extremes of human society to measure what is acceptable in the world, then everyone would be wearing tattoos, people would be living on caffeine, drinking alcohol every night, and watching TV rather than spending time with their family. Oh hang on… that is what’s happened. Obviously comparing yourself to another’s behaviour in order to plot your own path is not the way.
The compromises that we make are in theory adjustments to what we would choose if we had our way. We often hear that compromise is a key ingredient of a relationship. That approach has never sat well with me, it implies you can’t ever just be who you are, and for that to be enough. This blog presents that compromise is actually is a flow on of comparing to something else, so we can then be justified in our smallness. That is not a life I want to live.
Comparison lets us lead a life of less-ness. I don’t have to excel because compared to what is around me I am doing really well! I don’t have to be open and loving, because there are people in my life who are openly abusive, and I don’t want to be like them. The list goes on and on. Thank you Adam, this is a fantastic blog.
I never thought how we define evil is from the convenience to how we live.
Evil should never be contextualised from our comforts, otherwise we will continue to be blind to it even if it occurs in our everyday life.
Abuse starts no where but with ourselves. Leaving the connection with ourselves is our first separation and abuse. Registering and being aware of any form of abuse within us is our bodies telling us we know that it is never natural to accept abuse on ourselves, no matter how small. What is normal is not always truth, what we have accepted as normal but is not true, is how much we have accepted abuse to ourselves. Any little tension felt in our bodies is not natural.
The truth is we are love. We only want to love and be love. Everything else is not natural and should not even exist within ourselves and in the world, but it does exist and life is for us to come back to understanding and acceptance, deeply so, why we have chosen such a reduced state to be life, and how much we have been given in awareness to not subscribe to this any longer, but simply to live TRUE.
“Comparison leads to compromise,” which in turn means we muddy the truth of a situation or relationship etc. Comparison is the killjoy of a life lived from truth, love and honesty and it creates a lot of unease, tension and stress on our bodies and all relationships within our lives. When we go into comparison it also delays our own growth and responsibility is left by the wayside. Everyone and everything in life offers us a reflection for us to learn from and when we look at life in this way we can stamp out comparison and jealously and see everything as a learning, that is the true inspiration for our times.
For me you’ve really exposed here Adam how we can use comparison to justify our unloving ways or to cement where we are at and not develop any deeper – if we look out and say at least I’m not as bad as… yes that may well be true but what if there is so much more that we have to offer and refine in the way that we live…
” . . . how do we know we have found a relationship of love, and not just one of mutual convenience that serves to keep us blind to the true nature of our own existence?” That is really a revealing question Adam – to get the insight that what is really the base of most of our relationships could be comparison is a bitter pill to swallow.
“Comparison makes the world grey. Edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity.” I like this Adam – it’s where we start to water everything down and bit by bit accept less than what is truly loving.
So true, often we bump along tolerating each there, thinking ‘oh well we don’t fight that much, it could be worse’, and think that this is what life is about comfort. Life does not need to comfortable, how about enriching, honest and committed learn to love and be love. That is what rings my bells, working on how I compare has really allowed me to take more responsibility and so allow more love in and out.
Society does currently run on the reality that is okay to think we are not ‘quite as bad as some one’, in fact usually we look around for some one ‘ more abusive’ …”In the world of comparison, all of these men would have a right to say that they are not abusive.” This method results in a lack of responsibility, we are all pretending we are getting away with it. But the results of our irresponsibility are felt in our relationships and our health.
It’s true, there is a point of extremity that, once reached, calls many of us into action – myself included. But what about all those steps leading up to that point? Where were we then, before the disaster strikes? This can be seen both on a global scale with isolated people living in society, and in the home. In both cases there is comparison as an underlying current – because as long as we can feel that we are alright, then the obvious isolation that we can see may not be important enough to inspire action.
Well said Adam, comparison is a real killer as it is a measure and one used to justify where we are at, rather than use truth and love as a marker. If love is who we truly are then anything less than living in a truly loving way is abusive to our body and those around us.
Great to expose that we use comparison to ‘justify where we are at’, rather than use truth and love as a marker’ Living with responsibility for our choices enables us to feel more truth and love and in so sign we take more responsibility. Awesome to uncover how detrimental to our connection with ourselves, life and others, comparison actually is…
Comparison doesn’t allow you to see and live truth. As you say anything less than love is actually abusive because love is who we all are at essence.
Thank you Adam for a thought provoking and inspiring blog, It really is a wake up call as to how comparison, covers over the real abuse issues by comparing our lives as better than others, so as to avoid looking deeply into our own actions.
The evil of comparison laid bare, thank you Adam. Comparison stops us from truly exploring our lives and deepening our relationships as we can always find someone worse off to compare ourselves with. Conversely, it can prevent us from truly appreciating ourselves too, as we can find someone who is better off.
Adam, I love the precision with which you take us underneath what we perceive as ‘good’ and how actually we have to consider context. If we’ve moved the goal posts so far from what love truly is then what we now consider a ‘good’ relationship is actually not, by the measure of what love truly is it’s false, and it’s abusive. This is huge and not something many of us want to see, as we’ve all played a part in this, those little compromises, those dilutions we’ve all allowed, sometimes initiated and often tolerated have polluted the love we are, so we’re in the middle of the wrong game, on the wrong field and nowhere near what we are or can be. Our compromises and the ensuing lies we tell ourselves have forever demeaned and polluted love and until we’re willing to be honest in this, we’re absolutely love and living in abuse, and so while we will say our abuse is less than another the fact is it’s all abuse and my abuse enables another to abuse. Thanks for a huge love bomb of truth.
the barometer is something many people hold dear. After all, it has given many a comfortable life.
From the use of a barometer you are able to detect reoccurring behaviours in people, get on with people and hold yourself in high esteem because you are doing better than the other guy.
This may all seem good and well however if we were really honest we would say that this process leaves us devoided of who we truly are. How can we be ourselves when we are constantly measuring to be someone else.
To compound on this whole sorry state of affairs or in fact a humongous contributor to it is our gross bastardisation of words. By changing the meaning of words such as love and abuse we perpetuate this. For example, there is not one ounce of emotion in love. Unimedpedia is dedicated to bringing the truth back to words. Here is an example with the word love: http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia/word-index/unimedpedia-love.html
Excellent blog Adam, and so very true. One point you mention is “the man who is quiet and acquiescent to all of his partner’s demands” for to accept any abuse is in itself abusive. As you say anything less than love is actually abusive because love is who we all are at esssence.
It is amazing how much ‘Comparison leads to compromise’. We think 1 step away or 1 small compromise does not make a difference but it is often the start of more choices and steps away. We are either love or not love so 1 step away from love is not love and hence abuse.
In order to compare ourselves to another, we must first break away from the love that we are and that unifies us, and in this division look back at another as if they were somehow separate to us. This is the curse of ‘individualism’ that we have fallen for and therein lays the seed of evil we long ago swallowed unaware.
Very wise Adam. When one is out of their essence they are in a state of abuse. An abusive relationship is where one is not valued for their essence or supported to live from their essence.
Well said Liane, Comparison is the first break away from love. Separatism is the many shades of grey. But never the truth of black.
We as a humanity have been able to hide our abuse by not naming it as such. By shifting the bar for what is deemed abusive, all our tricks to not be the love that we are, are laid bare. The truth of what you have here presented Adam is only confronting if we have sought shelter in the comfort of a lie. And even then, it is not the truth that hurts but all that we have put in place to not feel it. Thank you Adam for assisting us to remove this collective Band-Aid so we can all begin to heal the deep wound that lies underneath.
‘the truth is only confronting if we have sought shelter in the comfort of a lie’ – very true Liane. We don’t like to hear the truth if we’ve been avoiding it, hiding out in protection and not expressing what is true. But the truth is so clear and straightforward, it leaves no room for complication or confusion. It can be exposing if we’ve been in the comfort of a lie, but ultimately hearing the truth of something is clearing and healing.
Comparison makes the world grey. It also makes us feel better and become more complacent about how we live and this erodes our self responsibility.
Ah, I love coming back to this blog, it is such an amazing expression of how we cannot use extremes of behaviour to measure what is and isn’t okay. When you measure the cleanliness of water against mud, slightly dirty or cloudy water will look perfectly fine – it is not until you hold it next to a mountain stream that you see it is in fact not the all it could be.
Excellent Adam! Comparing our behaviours on a scale and comparing ourselves to others makes the world really grey, open to interpretation and we could be living with levels of abuse we don’t call abuse. As you so brilliantly shared, the is an endlessly expressing nature, and we call love when people can be married for 50 years, but there is always an element of agreement in relationships and unexpressed feelings may be held onto until death!
Using evil as a marker or something to compare our lives to of how well we are doing … well that is setting very low standards indeed but in truth what many probably do in that ‘it isn’t THAT bad’ or ‘I am not THAT bad!’ But coming from an angle of the highest point of lived loved we know surely will pull us up to be all we truly are. Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine have set such standards for humanity and raised the level of love and this keeps increasing .. to that I am truly grateful for. It is a great point of light for all that shows us how we have and are living is not love and there truly is another way.
I love your writing Adam, so powerful and thought provoking. Comparison is evil as it really clouds or lets us see things through rose coloured glasses instead of the what is, right here and right now.
Most relationships are based on arrangements and how well you fill each other’s need. Some people would argue there is nothing wrong with that. And yet that is not true love and the needs, expectations and beliefs stand grow and expansion in the way.
“Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness. Comparison makes the world grey. Edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity.” Absolutely true: comparison doesn’t allow you to see and live truth.
Why do we use the extremes to measure the quality of our life? Could it be we use it as an excuse to not take our responsibility to really live a loving life in truth and to the detail?
“anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people should be seen as abusive.” If we all would take this as our starting points for all our relationships the world would be a different place.
I feel there are hardly any relationships that are not abusive and have a foundation of love. Look at appreciation. How often do we appraciate those that we are in relationship with? How often do we take people for granted, how often do we judge, how often are we dismissive and think badly about somebody else? Today I talked with a colleague of mine about relationships and we came to the conclusion that actually nobody knows what a relationship is truly about.
As others have shared I too have found that underneath the extremes of what are considered abuse are far more ways in which we abuse each other. Not being in regular contact, remaining silent when there are sharp tones of voice being expressed, not stopping to address actions that result in bodily harm – even if it’s just pressing the light switch too rough or bashing into something. These being expressed from ourselves first because if they are not addressed ‘at home’ so to speak how can we address the same in the home or workplace or amongst any other person? And do we appreciate the reflections that others can provide because often I have noticed that if something disturbs me about another’s way with themselves it’s something thats also in me, it’s reflecting a disturbance I have chosen to ignore yet can’t as it’s now being shown to me in another’s way.
“As human beings we like to look out at all that we consider as evil in society, and so long as our life compares well to such darkness, we do not question whether or not what we have is actually true.” This is a beautiful statement as it shows so clearly how we have the tendency to compare towards less in order to keep our comfort. But what if we lived with the knowing that there was always a deeper level of being, an even more loving and tender way to be with each other? Would we not then simply be able to surrender to this beauty and allow every act, every movement to be expanded from the previous one? Not by trying to be more but simply by the fact that when we allow us to deepen and build on what we have our next move will simply comprise all that we have lived already and will expand by the sheer fact of moving openly and lovingly towards the world – thus expand as the universe does.
On further consideration – a relationship void of appreciation also feels abusive. If we cannot see the other and accept them for all they are without conditions, are we living in abuse too? If we have expectations of the relationship or what our partner needs to be to fill our needs, is this abuse? From my understanding… Yes!
This is brilliant Adam – a blog that really makes us consider where we are at it abuse in our lives and what gets swept under the rug due to comparison and compromise. Abuse does not have to be violent or even visible. I consider silence in relationships and shutting down from expressing love to one another as abuse.
We abuse ourselves with comparison. If I abuse my partner with manipulation and control but tell myself it is not abuse because it is not physical, it is not only abuse to my partner but to myself as well. It is abuse because I am living less than the love that I am. Anything less than that is abuse. Realising that makes me realise that I am capable of living and expressing love all of the time.
I love this Adam. You really lift the veil of illusion we live behind. Comparison is a great way for us to be less than who we are and kid ourselves that our lives are ok. Strip away comparison and we are left to feel what is true. When we live without comparison we walk to our own beat and live in a way that honours what we know.
This is such a strong blog, exposing to us the real evil that lies behind something we use so often, comparison is a way to talk good what is bad. To feel better than another but still be in misery. To not take responsibility for our lives becaus others are worse off. We should become honest and truly live from our senses not the sensible mind that tries to constantly talk things right that are not. Comparison is making us feel OK with a life that is not.
‘Comparison leads to compromise’ It gives us permission to say we are doing okay when in effect we are just measuring and trying to get away with something we know is not true. Like you say Adam, the world becomes grey, an endless road to go in the illusion of what life is about.
This is the truth of comparison. By comparing how we are with another or compare what we are doing in a situation, we give ourselves the permission to get away with anything. when we are comparing ourselves to another its a justification that what we are doing is ok.
What a superb deconstruction of comparison, tolerance and compromise Adam. There are many gems here. You make it easy to see how ludicrous and damaging it is to compare ourselves to another and allow me to observe where and when I use comparison to justify what is simply not true.
When living from comparison, we are often living from the pictures and ideals we get from others. Which often, is not true for us. Abuse is so rampant because we decide to sit back from our truth and look to others. Rather then standing on our own to feet and feeling the truth for ourselves.
Awesome read Adam.
This paragraph is so very pertinent. “Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness. Comparison makes the world grey. Edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity.” Living this way for a huge part of my life, to begin to expose this felt very uncomfortable and I felt vulnerable and had no idea what would come as I did. However I was dead and lifeless inside whilst I stayed in the comparison and the belief that to have a harmonious relation ship I had to compromise. And it was this feeling that propelled me to begin to find my way back through clear open and honest communication. Yes, my life has changed dramatically, and I am glad it did, for now I feel alive and that I am living the life that I am here to live.
When you talk about truth no longer even being on horizon, it feels so true Adam, for so many of us. We have settled for such less, bastardised so much of life beyond recognition from it’s true way. Yet, within ourselves we know what we have done. So the first step is to have the courage and commitment to be honest. We know it, we see it, yet we actively choose to ignore it. A super simple example – how is your level of vitality and well-being going well if you need two cups of coffee to get moving in the morning? This may or may not seem a big deal, it may seem like small fry, irrelevant, whatever…but the point is, that person would happily say to a friend that “they are feeling well”, which, in truth is actually a lie – when put in to the context of how they could be living and what true vitality is. It is not the size of the lie, but the fact that we are lying at all – for once you have told one, then the floodgates open to many, many more.
When humanity has set the bar so low, it is very easy to kid ourselves that we are doing ‘good’ or doing ‘well’. It is the grand trick of life – if we measure life against life we are imprisoned.
I really love what you have shared in these statements “Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.” So many of us compare, we compare without even thinking sometimes, especially in relationships. There is a lot that then as you say gets diluted due to compromising. We think it is good initially to do so, needing to compromise in relationships is ‘what we do’ right? but then there is so much we allow and not choose to then be aware of.
Thank you, Adam, this blog has opened my eyes to something that I have not considered much before and that is as you say “the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged”. Of course, if we use extremes as our measure we are always going to fool ourselves into thinking that what we are doing and how we are behaving is somehow okay when it is not.
A great observation on the truth that lies behind the veneer of so-called ‘good’ relationships and a clarion call to be aware of how we can become entirely complacent when we compare ourselves, our lot, our life with another’s, only to find ourselves the superior simply because we haven’t been using the benchmark of truth, of true love in our self-assessment.
As I read this I cannot be be startled perhaps even stunned that we can even champion behaviour in relationships like this to ever be OK and then say we love the other deeply. There is simply no love at all if you are abusive in any way towards the other, for there simply cannot be. How have we let this simple fact slide when all know this is simply not OK?
You present the truth so beautifully Adam, comparison is indeed an act we use to acknowledge our own behaviour and relationships to be found from love. But is it truly? What you ask here is a full honesty that is beyond what many wish to go to. And I can feel how it is in any relationship, honesty is key.
That quote by Henry Thoreau too. what you’ve presented here is awesome Adam. Leaving no room for anyone to run as you have even covered the relationships where there is no fighting, but niceties. We have such an availability of love to us, and ever expanding world. yet we are capable and usually stay with far less then what we know to be true.
This whole blog is gold Adam, but this part stood out for me – “Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.” love this, such an awesome quote that should be shared far and wide. The implications comparison, instead of living the love that we are and knowing our truth are enormous.
Being good was the mission of my life. I was in total fear of being in trouble. I can remember at an early age trying to give the answer I thought someone wanted to hear. As soon as this was the way, I lived in anxiety, only getting relief by taking myself away with books, movies and making things. So this comparison, this anxiety to please led to not being me, it led to not being true and from that foundation it is easy to be fooled as to what the right thing is as opposed to the true thing.
The level of tension that trying to be good leaves us in is a huge waste of time and life. Being me would have been much less abusive and by far the more loving choice.
Adam, it is a joy to read the following wise words from you, for if the lesson you present here is learned then the world cannot but change – “comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.” Comparison erodes a person and compromise erode humanity. Living true to who we are is the only antidote to both these fatal conditions.
Comparison is about trying to know where we stand by looking outside ourselves instead of inside. So from the word go, there cannot be truth, everything becomes relative, as you say Adam, greyscalled. One step away from the truth, it is no longer truth.
Bautifully expressed Fumiyo. Thankyou.
When we compare we have to set ourselves as less in order to see a gap between us and another. But if we hold onto ourselves as we are when we see another person making different choices to us we can choose to claim that our choices bring certain results and theres bring other results and qualites to life. I never saw it like this until a couple of days ago but in this way when we hold ourselves rather than be less in the face of whatever’s before us it allows for appreication rather than competition and compromise.
I agree Leigh, to be free of comparison is a great blessing and truly sets us free in many ways!
We hold our perceptions of abuse in our lives to sit most comfortably in a dark corner until we are ready to shine a light on them and truly see them.
Adam, this writing belongs in further places than here so it can reach a far wider audience. This is men’s health, this is women’s health and about true wellbeing in relationships.
Thank you Shannon.
The way to change what is considered ‘Normal’ and to deepen the understanding and Livingness of what a truly loving relationship is – is to truly practice love in the relationship we have with ourselves. To know and live this as our foundation will change the accepted status quo in ‘Healthy relationships and wipe out the evil that comparison generates.
Thank You Adam, what a great blog, I for one 2 years ago would not have understood what you are sharing here, but as my own love and awareness unfolds I see how limitless and endless true love really is. Quite amazing to now be aware that me simply leaving the towel on the floor after I’ve had a shower is abusive not only to my partner but also myself and the whole, for it is my responsibility to bring that love and order to our home and world. It’s not about comparing myself to Mrs Jones and keeping my house tidy, its about me choosing love, care and order in my own home, which allows me to experience more love and awareness in how I live.
Thank you Adam for a great article, and for bringing to my attention, in the last paragraph, the true evil of “good” comparison.
Wow Adam, this is truly a powerful blog. You have inspired me deeply and to be aware of how comparison can be so deceiving, subtle and easily missed. To reflect on the relationships I have chosen so far and where there may be comparison present that I may not have been aware of before and work on nominating it and letting it go to allow my relationships with other to deepen and evolve.
‘As Henry Thoreau once controversially wrote, “The greater part of what my neighbours call good, I believe in my Soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behaviour. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?”’ Thanks for sharing this Adam. I have found this be true especially in my workplaces and places where I have done Nursing placements. There is an expectation of a student to be “good” or to be a ‘good worker” but silently placing limits on expressing the glory of The Soul. I have found expressing my Soul brings a whole new light to things I do, and seems to refresh everything about the job. It is unseen, but the world would not admit that even when systems are great, technology is great, equipment is u-beaut and knowledge is fantastic.. that there is still emptiness and people get drained by what they do. Its because of the adherence to rules and complying but never being free to be a master of what they do by bringing their Soul into the equation.
Living Soulfully does not mean one has to break away from society, even those aspects of society that we find controlling and loveless. A Soul-full person will always find a way to express and bring love to a situation, even if it is as mundane as changing the bedsheets, or filling out another copy of another onerous form. For the Soul says, it is not what you do, but the quality in which you do it that counts, for all is energy. So, I can fill out that form grudgingly, or I can fill out that form with every ounce of joy in my being. This is what will in time change life and how humanity will once again come to know the qualities of the Soul.
I can easily read a book full of your blogs and comments Adam. They are purely inspirational, full of wisdom and full of power.
Thank you Chanly88.
Well said Adam, it is all about committing to the simplicity of our quality and everything else is taken care from that place within.
That would be a very different world, with much less strugle and hardship, as it is all equal than, without an ounce of comparison.
This is so powerfull to read and feel the absolute trap comparison is, it leaves us in the denial of our own behaviours as they are better than others, but what if those are only percieved as being worse… This shows that trusting our own feelings and being honest about what is going on is the greatest gift.
When ones knows and accepts the love of God than anything less is abuse.
I suppose, ‘Love’ has many different levels of meaning to people, what is considered ‘love’ to one may be abuse to another. The great thing is that ‘Love’, in truth, is an infinite well waiting there for anyone who knows deep down, that there is more to ‘life’ than what meets the eye.
love is a livingness and not an ideal or intellectual concept to be debated. It is known in essence as a bodily experience and has an intelligence of its own that the mind cannot comprehend.
Hear, Hear Adam. Absolutely brilliant!
We all know abuse to our very bones and if there is ever one part of us that pretends not to see it, or pretends to be oblivious to the fact that our relationship is not true love and evolution and therefore is in fact abuse we are just lying to ourselves because we do know it’s not love. My experience of being in relationships of convenience or comfort is that in many situations both partners are aware it’s not love but they are more comfortable and familiar with the abuse then with the responsibility required for it to be true. It only requires one partner to step up and stop playing the game and to instead choose love, and begin to live and share in a way that offers something different and does not tolerate anything less than love. In many cases the other who is still comfortable with the abuse and not yet chosen the love will feel a tension and discomfort because they are being asked to be another way. At this point there is a choice, to either surrender to the discomfort and begin the journey of change, or dig the heals in and resist and fight. In the first instance the person does not need to change or be any where in a particular amount of time, just needs to be heading on the journey and the relationship can still be about true love and honesty of what is not love. In the instance of the fighter or the resistance this usually results in a break or separation gradually occurring in the relationship because the love is not being aloud. I would prefer a separation in a relationship then living in the comfort of abuse.
Great to come back to your blog again Adam. Comparison and comfort are both killers of evolution causing stagnation in our relationships and within our bodies.
Thank you Adam for an inspiring blog, when I look back on my life I see so much compromise for the sake of so called peace. I have at times felt the black and white of truth, but have diluted it into the grey, to accommodate and pander, all in the name of “good” a real evil indeed.
I feel that we all know what is really true because so many of us search for something that we feel we don’t have in our lives even though we have supposedly never experienced it. We do not need to compare to know there is a deeper way to live. So comparison is used to make excuses and to avoid the truth.
Yes Brendan, that would rock us all out of our ‘grey zone’ comfort.
Quite often we have considered that words are not as harmful as actual physical abuse, but from my perspective now, I see how very harmful it is to another or ourselves. Words can undermine so much in a persons life, their self confidence and self worth and their very Life! How dare we do this to another! Thank you Adam for a great and important blog.
if you sit back and think about it, the chronic effects of verbal abuse linger far longer than the pain of physical abuse. Psychological trauma is still yet to be recognised for the true impact it has on people.
I totally agree Adam. I have experienced this and what we cannot see with our eyes does not mean it does not exist. Psychological trauma can be easily covered up whereas bruises are very visible. Our bodies are amazing at healing but the psychological trauma takes a deeper level of healing that requires us to take responsibility and choose to heal. If we leave this for a period of time or pretend it doesn’t exist it just simply builds up until our body physically has to clear it through many forms, illness and disease may be one. What I have also witnessed is that accumulated traumas and hurts can further feed the energy of abuse essentially generating and perpetuating the cycles of abuse. So, the impact is massive and like you said we are yet to recognise this and take responsibility.
I was a master in the art of compromise, an art I acquired in childhood from the lived example of those around me. I developed the belief that to make a relationship work you had to compromise and so when it came to relationships that’s exactly what I did, not realising that under the surface I was a bubbling pool of resentment and frustration all fueled by the feeling that what I wanted paled into comparison when compared to the other person’s wants. It has taken me a long time and much introspection to come to a place where I know that comparison and compromise are simply ways to make me feel lesser than another and to live like this is debilitating. I have also come to another place where I will accept nothing less than love and this place is one that is flooded with joy.
Rereading your article Adam certainly highlights a level of responsibility that is needed to live and honour true relationships, relationships where any level of abuse is called out.
And the principles of such a relationship should extend to our relationship with the whole world.
• I agree Linda – compromising can simply equate to not living what we know to be true by choice.
We can use comparison to justify just about any behaviour. When we really see it and start to peel the layers back, we can see how comparison has led us down the wrong path. Being true is something we need to really be honest about and come from our hearts on this and not the bargaining, justifying position of the head.
Women and men can be abusive in relationships in ways we have accepted as normal. I had to nominate behaviors such is arguing, criticizing, not being respectful towards my partner because there was a deep frustration and pain of knowing that how we are living as a couple does not feel right and that true love is missing, but accepting it.
And as I was becoming more honest about myself, I looked around and observed other couples and could see in other women the frustration I had myself and which had an impact on how they treated their partners and husbands.
When I ignore or override how I am feeling I then have to go into justification to defend the position I have taken and in that instant I have already compromised what is needed for myself, let alone involving or blaming someone else another person.
I would like to express my gratitude Adam for writing such a great blog.’How do we know we have found a relationship of love, and not just one of mutual convenience that serves to keep us blind to the true nature of our own existence?’ Something to truly ponder on.
What is great here is that if we used our minds to answer this question we could go round and round in circles, lists of pros and cons as it were, things that ticked the love box, and things that ticked the mutual convenience box. The truth however is that our bodies the truth. We just have to listen.
the image painted of our horizon becoming dim, clarity lost, is powerful and compelling, because we do know what is true… We can feel truth in every cell in our body, and moral ambiguity is simply another part of the great numbing that is happening throughout humanity. The clarity that this article brings is essential now for us to even begin to return to who and what we truly are.
This is so powerful, it breaks illusions in society that keep us from being the truly loving souls that we can be “Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.” And we all have colluded in this, I know I have. However, I now know the difference and more and more I choose the truth and not the arrangements, comparison and collusion that have kept me from enjoying life and expressing truth as I feel it to be.
“Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.” I feel as we start comparing we get to trying to be like another and that stops us from being who we truly are, that is an automatic cap on ourselves, if we are no longer who we are everything we say or do is no longer truth as we are in comparison trying to fit in.
Yes, I recognise this Amita in many relationships. Comparison can be one of the biggest reasons of relationship break ups as it creates disharmony and destruction..
Measuring how we ‘compare’ to others leads us around and around, without change- why do we have to change if we are ‘not as bad as them’ who ever ‘them’ are…”As human beings we like to look out at all that we consider as evil in society, and so long as our life compares well to such darkness, we do not question whether or not what we have is actually true.” We reduce who we are by comparing in this way, it is a low level marker of all we can be, and this choice to do so is only done to enable us to continue with our unloving and harmful ways. We can make different choices, when we connect with our natural divinity within, there is nothing to compare when we express from this place.
What a truly awesome blog and a game changer for anyone who is serious about making their relationships about love. It is imperative that we get away from using comparison as our measure of whether we are doing well or not. Comparing ourselves to other, as Adam has so clearly pointed out here will never deliver us to the truth of the situation. We have a very simple marker of truth and that is our body and if we listen to it, it will always tell us the truth of any given situation every single time.
Beautifully expressed Elizabeth Dolan, ‘a game changer’ is definitely what it is, it allows us to be free, the prison of being defined and measured by other people and our own perceptions is broken and it allows us to expand and express who we truly are.
‘Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.’ So true Adam. Comparison feels like a lame excuse for not being in the fullness of who we are.
So many great points you have raised Adam. Starting the conversation about….as you say ” the ludicrousness of the way we measure our existence”, that due to comparison, we rationalise things away. ‘Well he only yelled me, didn’t break any bones’, or ‘he retreated only for a few days this time, not for a whole week’, these are sets ups that we buy into to ensure we keep accepting less in relationships, instead of being about to love ourselves so deeply and with such devotion, that we say no immediately to all that which is not love first, no matter what.
“Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness. ” powerful words Adam, this really exposes the way we create a reality that is based on illusion.
I have an experience of how comparison is a distraction that compromises the absoluteness of what is. I remember a conversation I had with a friend years ago: we both were feeling overwhelmed at work (different job, different work place), working very hard, but finding our colleague to be not so committed. We didn’t feel we could ask our colleague to step up and do more, we both felt the only solution was for us not to put so much into work. It never worked for me, because the job was not getting done, and someone eventually had to do it, and that someone was very often me. Once I adopted that attitude of measuring my input, I started to wonder whether the others were also doing the same – i.e. holding back and not committing intentionally. I now know that there was a self-worth issue there for me on the back of it to set me up in that situation in the first place, but nonetheless, comparison played a big part and with constant side glances, I lost touch with what was true, and eventually started losing trust for people.
“Comparison leads to compromise.” I can at times use going into comparison as a way of justifying myself for not stepping up and taking responsibility for things. Thanks for bringing that to my attention.
It’s true that many will excuse their behaviour by finding somebody who is worse behaved and point to that. So measuring your good or bad behaviour against another is not truly looking from a point of truth. When we begin to unravel this false thinking we begin to get an inkling of a possible truth and a truth that is equal for all.
I had a conversation with a colleague not so long ago about abuse and he couldn’t believe that I saw name calling as abuse in the same light, and worse in many cases, as physical abuse. But it is so true that both fall into this category. And as this blog shows it goes so much deeper than that. Anything that stops a person from living in their full glory is abuse, and accepting the abuse of this is just as evil as it furthers this separation from truth.
I once got in a physical fight at school. The guy punched me in the arm, and I had a bruise for days. And yes it hurt, but after a few days all physical effects of what had happened had passed. Years later, it is not incidents like this that I remember. But I do remember being teased as a child, and the numerous times I was verbally intimidated by teachers, and kids at school. It was these experiences that remained with and shaped me into adult far more than the physical abuse ever did. Torture is 90% psychological and 10% physical. I am sure there is many a man who could endure physical torture, but I wonder how many men would endure the threat of harm to their family. Simple example of where psychological abuse is way more harmful than physical abuse will ever be.
Yes so true and yet we still compare. Physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse and just the simple things like teasing and the odd look ALL hurt. We are made from love and anything that is not that hurts us ALL.
Thank you for sharing your experience of what Love is Adam. I agree that “comparison leads to compromise , compromise leads to the acceptance of something less” not what a true loving relationship comprises of.
Yes Brendan, it clearly serves us well in continuing the game we choose to play of delay.
There is gold in this blog that all of humanity is blessed to be offered. It definitely highlights the foundational importance of what true love is and hence the acceptance of nothing that could ever put us less than who we truly are. Evil is in compromise. It is in comparison. It is in anything and everything that is not Love.
Thank you Joshua, and very well put – although true evil enters before comparison and compromise are even on the cards. For it is only when we are separated from love, that we even think to compare or compromise, out of a need to fill that which is missing within.
I agree Adam comparison and compromise can only enter when we are disconnected/seperated from the love that we are. Comparison is a way of life and we all miss out on true love when we keep continuing this way of living. We are asked to stand up and take full responsibility and we have to start with ourselves. Your blog is an amazing wake up call for what we consider normal but can never be accepted as normal because of the absence of love.
Great comment Brendan, comparison definitely is an opportunity showing something we can learn about ourselves. An extra step taken that reveals so much about ourselves.
An absolute must read for everybody this blog. Is this why so many relationships end up in divorce, because there is no true foundation of love?
Comparison is just taking us further away from that is what is true, as truth is there inside us, no need to look at others.
‘Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.’ This is so powerful Adam. I felt like a rabbit caught in the headlights when I read it today as it has exposed the compromises I have in my life at the moment in order to remain in comfort. A big but very welcome ouch! Thank you
We can be so cunning in finding compromises to avoid situations that feel challenging for us. Why are we so little prepared to look at what we are really up to and take responsibility for that.
There is no evolution in tolerance only the deep illusion that we are ‘compatable’ ‘ Thus today, when we end up in the situation where we consider a relationship where both parties get on and tolerate each other’s differences, don’t argue or wage war on each other and are generally comfortable with each other, to be one that is not just acceptable… we consider it to “be” loving when by essence it falls well short of the forever expressive nature of what true love actually entails.’
So beautifully expressed Jenny. Tolerance is definitely one of those sneaky illusions that has us capped and trapped from expanding into our grandness and glory together.
along with” being nice”, getting along, blending in, not wanting to rock the boat, keeping the harmony, making peace, etc etc etc.
Oh yes Adam, the list of sneaky illusions is endless, morphing and transforming into many slippery guises. And they are not at all attractive things. They are protective devices to mask the horror of what we have created here. There is not one skerrick (to use that word again) of honesty or authenticity in them.
I agree Jenny, there is zero evolution in tolerance, only comfort and playing it safe which at the end of the day catches up with our bodies from holding back the true love that we are.
So true Jenny. Compatibility, comfort and comparison are all weapons we use that keep us from having truly loving relationships. Put in control too and we have covered most of the C’s!
Yes Jane and Jenny,. And two more lethal ‘C’ words in relationships are ‘Collusion’ ad ‘Coercion’. All our way of propping up our individualised way of living that does not take the whole into account.
So many questions in this article – it is staggering to stop and contemplate on the thousands of comparison calculations made in every day. So many in every moment – many that we would not even assess. I have been experimenting at work and just observing the constant stream of comparison notes that get played in conversations, via email, face to face, just walking through the office, it seems the daily currency we gauge our life on is this. You can feel it from others and how debilitating this environment is then for productivity. Companies compare with each other, there effectiveness is gauged against others constantly trying to better against that which is doing the same. At some point the barometer has to tip and explode for this is the sickness that is leaving man kind stripped of what it actually comes from and yearns for – Love.
It is not always easy to feel where we abuse in our lives. Be if we are doing this to ourselves or others directly, either way the whole is affected. This is a huge responsibility we each have to be love in all that we do. I find sometimes when something is shown to me, another area where I am being abusive, it can take an adjusting period, to really feel it in its entirety, that which I have been doing, and then I can start to make change. Thanks again Adam for this super powerful blog.
‘I find sometimes when something is shown to me, another area where I am being abusive, it can take an adjusting period, to really feel it in its entirety, that which I have been doing, and then I can start to make change.’ I feel this too Anna, and within this is the dedication it takes to oneself to keep accepting what is and allowing for support to stay congruent with the changes that only we can make.
Beautiful Elaine, a beautiful confirmation that this is indeed how we hold ourselves in love through our returning to it.
That said, I feel it is also important to mention that abuse from women in relationships can equal that of any man. Knowing that abuse is not just about the physical, but can be found in control, in contraction, and in simply denying ones light. We are all equally capable of abuse in our relationships. Even abuse that is directed at self, is an attack on others as it is a denial of the love we are all from and worthy of.
very well said Anna McCormack, what you mention are forms of abuse that we would rarely consider, given our tendency to look at such things in comparison to the more obvious forms of abuse.
Yes, these areas tend to slip under the radar, just exposing the level of irresponsibility we are in.
I agree Anna, and all of these subtle types of abuse are equally damaging to our bodies and wellbeing, some just take longer to be felt than others like when someone is undermining. Only until we choose responsibility and honesty in our lives we get to see the level of abuse for self and others.
Agree Francisco, and it is not always easy to see the level of abuse we have allowed. Not for ourselves, and not in what is going on all over the world.
I love what you share here Anna ‘ Even abuse that is directed at self, is an attack on others as it is a denial of the love we are all from and worthy of.”
Yes, this brings us all to more responsibility. How are we with ourselves?
….because how we are with ourselves is how we are with others.
Abuse in relationships can be so hidden, and I feel it reveals itself gradually as we come back to a more solid knowing of who we are and where we actually come from – our essence. If our essence is indeed the pure light of God, then yes, we each have many abusive behaviours sitting on top that need to be exposed in and through our relationships. Anything that is not pure love is abuse, and until we all feel this to our absolute core, and then choose to take responsibility for it, the world will remain as it is. I know and feel change, there can be no other way. We are here to return to the light of God, a place where there is not an ounce of abuse.
Wow Adam, where to begin. You have raised so much in this short article. Henry Thoraus quote – honestly, how many of us have excused a behaviour we have partaken in because another has done it – when we in truth know it is not ok, we know this as a truth from our entire being?
Awesome point to bring to the table Adam, one that I have been pondering lately, as there is much going on in the society in response to domestic violence. How we act and are in our own relationships is an ever growing and evolving thing, and perhaps a question to a man, how does one approach a man in relationships who holds onto the notion that they are giving enough, yet still holding back the fullness that is there?
I would say Lisa that your question relates to men and women equally so. How does one approach a man in relationship who is holding back? Why, with one’s own fullness of course. So often we hold ourselves back hoping, waiting, for another to open up. And what ensues is an eternal game of stalemate. It is our investment in needing society, our partners, and our family to open up first that keeps us from opening up ourselves. For if we are truly open, then we are open to understanding what holds another back, and in that understanding we are able to accept, and once we accept, we realise there is nothing to hold us back from loving more in the first place.
Another awesome point Adam, thank you. If another holds back, that is their choice, what we do is our choice.
Beautiful said Adam, by that letting people in first, we have to admit that the hurts we have been holding onto for years, decades or even for a long long time, we can actually let go off. It might look and feel very silly, as to why we have done not this earlier, why have we waited and spent so much years on denying ourselves and bounding our hurts? This brings us straight back to our responsibility to be everything we are in every given moment. Coming back to this article and the topic, then also shows us that comparison in relationships is actually allowing us to accelerate into hurts we should actually not go into, but actually let go off. Aha.. This makes a lot of sense, and also why most of our relationships can turn so heavy once we have finished that ‘happy /exiting moment(time)’.
beautiful Adam, I loved reading this, and feel the truth that is in your words. There are no excuses to not open up, there are only some barriers that we have thrown up ourselves..
Yes Adam, why wait for another to open up first when by us going there and being love with everyone we are in fact opening up love for all of humanity.
Thank you Adam Warburton for sharing this article. It exposes truth and nothing but the truth and it would take much arrogance to not feel what is being offered here. What I have witnessed and done so myself but is much less in my life today is compromise in relationships. Comprising by keeping the peace, not wanting to upset another, cause a stir etc is nothing but an avoidance of responsibility.
‘Comprising by keeping the peace, not wanting to upset another, cause a stir’, it feels like in compromising and keeping the peace, we are doing that based on what?, a preconception of how the other will respond, predicting what will happen. But if we live in relationships with love, then we cannot predict how the person will respond, if we express having felt the other, then it will reach them in a way that feels supportive to them, there is no upset. This is the responsibility, being loving, which then confronts our own penchant for being abusive in relationship, compromising is also abuse in that is it is not bringing love.
This is such a deceiving way to be, as it seems everything goes well, as there will be nothing to disagree on, and there seems to be no abuse. But the abuse is that there will be no evolution in that.. not speaking up for ourselves leaves us in the comfort of irresponsibility.
“In short, this blog was asking us to consider that anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people should be seen as abusive.
This in itself is a provocative statement, and there would be many – especially men who are not ‘violent’ towards their partners – who would take issue with this extreme proclamation, citing the fact that when compared to the ugliness of domestic violence, their relationship is indeed quite healthy. And from where they stand, they would be telling the truth – to a point.”
And yet if we are honest and truthful with ourselves we know how deeply we are affected when we accept and experience anything that is less than loving and the comparison feels to me like a justification for the behaviour and a way to avoid taking responsibility.
Yes Gill, without comparison, either way we run it, leaves the potential to be in relationship with ourselves and our own growth. To feel someone who is able to do this is quite refreshing, as I realise most of us are in comparison a lot of the time, either using it to feel better about ourselves, to justify feeling bad or to confirm that we are exactly where we want to be (enjoining with everyone else). It’s this latter one l’ve mastered particularly well, although use the other two very effectively when needed too. It’s an insidious and self-destructive thing we do…
What a great subject to really explore, the more love we build in our lives the less room there is for anything else. Anything short of pure love is abuse,and so if we look at the world honestly there maybe 1% of all relationships that have found this natural state of being. (if we are lucky.) By addressing the evilness of comparison and realising we have a long way to go, lets stop the abuse no matter how small or apparently insignificant and return to love in all areas of our lives.
Love how You expressed that and totally agree. Lets make more love 🙂
I so love the clarity of this blog. Comparison allows us to settle for less than absolute. Compared to how I was 10 years ago, I am so much more tender and feel connected with myself – yes, there’s an acknowledgment and appreciation due for that, and I can choose to indulge in that sense of advancement and call it a day; or stay open and willing to go for more of what is in truth available to us. I have done the former quite a bit, and now, I am definitely choosing the latter.
Inside we are all pure divine beings of love and not living this gives us human life today and all the creations as our hurts, reactions, emotions, comparisons and hence the abuse we live all stems from this. It is through the teachings and inspiration of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that we are being shown the truth of what is really going on and the choice to live another way, as and who we really are and that we are not from here.This will bring a change to our relationships and way of being with understanding and true healing.
“Comparison leads to compromise” Comparison I feel just creates a foggy glaze that hinders and delays a greater truth of what is really happening in our lives. This has crept into my life on many occasions seemingly unnoticed but truly felt. It can be so controlling
and manipulating if allowed to keep running its course. Great sharing Adam thank you.
“As Henry Thoreau once controversially wrote, “The greater part of what my neighbours call good, I believe in my Soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behaviour. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?”” This is a gem Adam, for good is yet another benchmark society have set and has no relation to what feels true.
Very well said Lucindag. It is not that good is not good, it is just not necessarily representive of all that we are capable of. We could say that good is the bare minimum standard of decency by which we should live by, but never should we allow ourselves to think that it is representative in any way of the true love we are capable of.
Good feels an empty throwaway word which stops people from exploring further what truly is going on. When we don’t want others to know how we truly are or don’t want ourselves to know how we are we say we are “good”. As you say Adam, it is the “bare minimum standard of decency- I wonder if it is actually less than this.
Hmmm, yes Anne, good can ultimately be used as a guise for evil. The good man goes about his business unquestioned by an undiscerning society. He gives his money to the poor. He celebrates the Anzacs, tips his hat in condolences to the dead. He contributes to saving the whales on Sunday and shares a spare coin for the cancer fund on monday. He is a philanthopist, and so in our eyes he has discharged his moral responsibility as an upstanding citizen of the town. And woe should we question what he gets up to the rest of the time, and if the other activities are not so virtuous, they are balanced out by all of the good he does in the world. Good is measured not so much by its virtue, but by comparison to what we consider to be evil. The good man does not hit his wife. The good man provides for his family ,even though he may never express his love to another human being. And how dare one question him when he upholds such sturdy principles. He is…beyond such reproach.
‘good is yet another benchmark society have set and has no relation to what feels true’. Nothing like a line such as this to break down the cemented minds of men. Thank you Lucindag.
i agree – we seem to have taken words and their true meanings and adapted them to our needs and what suits us rather than what the truth of the word naturally is. This gives leeway to abuse words, let lone each other.
Agree Lucindag, ‘good’ is the illusion many of humanity follow all at the expense of their bodies and wellbeing.
True lucindag, ‘good behaviour’ is great for evil to hide behind.
“As human beings we like to look out at all that we consider as evil in society, and so long as our life compares well to such darkness, we do not question whether or not what we have is actually true.” Once again humanity is shirking huge responsibility here, for we have settled for the lowest of benchmarks. Universal Medicine has redefined the litmus test and from here we can reach for the sky and settle for nothing less than LOVE.
I have read and re-read this article and many of the comments – observing in myself this need to write something as amazing to stand up next to it. What I have felt in this is how even in the reading of another man or woman’s writing I am feeling the control that comparison has – it is in many of the most simplest of things and is built on a foundation of lack of appreciation and self judgement.
Well said Lee, this article brought up comparison within me too. When we allow our selves to feel it and nominate it, we can only then let it go. Being utterly truthful with our selves is key.
Totally agree Caroline Francis ‘Being utterly truthful with our selves is key’.
Well said Caroline Francis,
Being utterly truthfull with our selves is key. And this quality of living we then reflect to others.
Thank you Lee, great contribution to this comment thread.
Thank you Lee. I can relate to the comparison as i’m sure many of us can. Yes the self-appreciation of our equal, unique yet much-needed expression seems key.
Completely Annie it is with great joy I can read your comment and feel that we are all completely needed to express in our absolute fullness.
Great to call this out Lee. Comparison is there where you least expect it and sometimes so subtle that we hardly know that it is there.
Beautifully exposed Lee – I’ve often felt the same. In truth if we are connected to and have a deep appreciation of ourselves there would be no room for doubt or the need to impress – there would be a freedom and simplicity in our expression and it would simply flow.
I agree Deborah, living in our fullness with connection is the antidote to comparison.
I am aware that comparison is used to keep me trapped in a game that absolutely does not allow me the space to see what is happening for myself. What I need to look at is conveniently shoved out of the way to spend time on worrying what another has got going on.
I know for a fact that when I compare myself to others it stops me from, speaking up, being true to myself,doubting myself and a whole range of other negative attributes. Sometimes I don’t even know that I am making comparisons because I have been doing it all my life and hence it has become so ingrained in me. With the help of Universal Medicine and Esoteric Practitioners I now often find myself in the act of comparing which is a great insight because now I can make a choice not to compare myself to others. It is an absolute joy to be discovering more about me !
The further we push the boundaries of relationships or anything for that matter, it dilutes the behaviours that would otherwise be considered abnormal/abusive etc. It is acceptable these days to have illnesses such as diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol or thyroid issues and see this as normal. Just this week I heard that because HIV is so well managed these days that being diagnosed is much like getting a cold, pills manage it all. If we are treating ourselves with such abuse that our lifestyles cause illness that is considered ok or normal, it is a mere reflection on just how we are treating each other.
It is indeed interesting to see what we accept as ‘normal’ in our society. It feels like we have forgotten about what is natural for and to us and our bodies. Layers of ‘new norms’ have covered our natural state of being. This affects everything: our perception and with that our relationship with our body and other bodies/people.
Matthew – we indeed push the boundaries of what we can get away with, we make a point to stretch the truth, to make acceptions when really our body is saying enough – that is not true. We seem to manage our lives rather than be honest and look a what is truly going on and how far we have come from the origin of words. This is all as you say a reflection for us to consider just how far we’ve come.
This is a great point you are making Matthew, our illness and disease rates truly expose where we are at as a society, they clearly show how low our standard has sunken and that obviously the choices that we are making are not supporting us.
This is a great challenge, to go deeper with every one of our relationships, by looking honestly if we have settled for anything less that what we feel to be true. Have we let things settle into a pattern of comfort or accepted an arrangement of mutual comfort – when truth is we can feel a deeper pull towards something more, and that there is more to us that we are resisting looking at.
It is a wonderful challenge to go deeper with every one of our relationships Annie, and yes we have to uncover arrangements, comfort and settling for less as we choose more and more to have love as our way. It certainly is a deeper pull and resistance only prolongs the joy of taking relationships to another level of love.
The next level of Love can only come when we accept full responsibility for the Love we truly are. all of us.
I like the way you put this Jenny, that accepting the love that we are is actually our full responsibility. Amazing really!
Yes love how you expressed this too Jenny about the next level of love.
Great questions Annie and I totally click with the ‘arrangement of mutual comfort’. Life can be so much ‘easier’ if you just cruise along. But as you say we have and know that there is a depth and a strong pull for us to go beyond for what we have settled for. That living a life and having relationships that just seems to be enough, doesn’t push to many buttons and all good. I can see this in many area’s in my life and am starting to shake these thick cob web of comfort off. Because in truth there is an ease, flow and joy in relationships when we are being All of Who we Are in them not kept small and contracted in our comfort.
I think the answers to your questions Annie is a definite yes. Yes that most of us have no doubt settled for less. I know that I have, many many times. Feeling what was true and then accepting less, rationalising it away, instead of listening to the deeper pull, to listen to ourselves, instead of, as you describe, being in resistance.
A great reminder here Annie to realise that there is no cap on our relationships. that we need to keep exploring and deepening to uncover the truth.
“Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness”. So very profound Adam; your wisdom and expression is very much appreciated. In this short sentence there is so much to ponder!
I deeply agree Shirl and i am still pondering…
I completely agree Shirl, such a powerful and beautifully expressed sentence that unveils so much of the illusion that we are living in when we accept abuse because it is not as bad or obvious as other forms of abuse,
Yes there is great authority in which Adam writes on this topic. And it is a difficult one to read because if you open yourself up to the possibility of what Adam is saying is true, then you open your eyes up to the level of abuse that is around and how we use comparison to not truly see what is going on around us and what we are creating ourselves. There is much to ponder on from this blog. And it supports what Serge Benhayon has said that Comparison is Evil….because of what it hides and allows.
I agree Sarah, its difficult to read when we feel the enormity of what we as a whole think we have gotten away with, and how comparison has been used as a cloak to hide behind, to make it all seem that everything is fine, where beneath the surface there is a game being played that no-one benefits from.
Yes this line stood out for me too……that when one looks at comparison, compromise which can lead to something that is less, we do still have a choice in this process. Compromise can be amicable and equal, but when you align it with comparison, it almost always ensures one or both parties will always be and or feel less.
Yes Shirl, this line is very revealing, comparison is what we use to keep ourselves less and not live up to our truth, which is to show ourselves in our divine power and greatness.
Thank you Adam and Brendan, could “comparison” be a coping tool to not feel what is going on, and thus avoiding what we need to “look at within”!
To understand the role “comparison” as a tool to hide our ‘anxiety’ and how this plays out in life go to the on-line course, Understanding Anxiety in Men – ONLINE COURSE
http://study.coum.org/enrol/index.php?id=14
Abuse runs deep in our society and yet what we often accept as abuse, although horrific, is so obvious and shallow. The true definition and effects of abuse cannot be compromised because we do not want to see how far it runs in our lives. As we uncover or recognise abuse in every corner that it hides we are liberated from its trappings.
It is quite extraordinary once we recognise even the subtlest forms of abuse, how sensitive we can become to it. What was once so-called normal behaviour amongst people now seems unbelievable harsh, and it makes me wonder – how did we live like that? How did humanity get used to abuse to the point that it is now out of control? Recognising and being OK to call it out has been revolutionary for me. And I will continue to refine it as I unfold back to living a life solely based on love.
I have found this too Jo that once what i deemed to be ‘normal’ in certain areas i now find to be abusive and as I deepen my love for self more behaviours come to light that I just won’t accept anymore.
I often ask myself the same question Jo and it helps me to appreciate the choices that I have made and also to feel the responsibility in the reflection I offer others to live and express in a way from love and respect for all.
‘As we uncover or recognise abuse in every corner that it hides we are liberated from its trappings’. Beautifully said Jenny, thank you. I can really relate to this statement and bring understanding to myself and the rest of humanity in this. Uncovering abuse goes hand in hand with returning to our essence and so we reveal a bit more, make the changes, deepen the quality of love in our lives, and then the next bit rares it’s ugly head, another area to work on…..and so on and so forth, until the essence is being connected, lived and adhered to. Perfect, and why understanding is so important.
So powerful, this article exposes so much that hinders relationships deepening and truth being honoured. As you say “Comparison leads to compromise.”, I have felt this in my life, I have heard it said and I have said “well at least I don’t do that…” as though there was another level of that which is not truth and so it was okay. And although the choice not to live with truth can be compounded and exacerbated, from say stealing a trinket from a shop to million dollar fraud for example the intention is the same. There is either truth or not truth the more we honour that and make it our choice everyday the more that clarity, purpose and love will be expressed and lived, it is a responsibility.
This is so true Samantha, and from your comment I can really feel what Adam meant by comparison making things grey – it washes down the truth, makes things comfortable and allows for excuses. Truth is very black and white, either ‘it is’ or ‘it is not’.
True Anna, beautiful. ‘Truth is very black and white, either it is or it is not. The beauty of commenting on the blogs is that everyone’s expression is needed.
Yes Anna, it either is or it is not, all the grey in between are the excuses we make to justify that we do not want to take responsibility for our choices.
Well said Anna, truth is very black and white, believing there is grey is a complete illusion.
I agree Lola, when we choose to live in the grey areas, we are choosing to remain in our ignorance to the truth. We are in fact putting our own goggles on to not see clearly.
Living in the grey allows for an avoidance and at times total disregard for true responsibility whereas the truth is ALWAYS reflecting responsibility for all.
“There is either truth or not truth the more we honour that and make it our choice everyday the more that clarity, purpose and love will be expressed and lived, it is a responsibility”. Absolutely it is a responsibility for all of us to honour and express the truth. With true conscious presence, where the mind is with whatever the body is doing, it is very clear what is true and not, you can feel it in the body and in the air, it’s all there to connect to – that is our super power we can feel and connect to, and with that connection express the truth.
Indeed conscious presence in the body clearly show us what is true and what not. It is a choice to express this or override this for whatever reason, ideal or comfort. The world would look differently if we were to choose truth in our relationships. For sure it will feel like rocking the grey boats, but in the end truth will stand out. So will non-truthful relationships.
In Comparison we judge another against ourselves in the emptiness or contraction that we are choosing to live in. It doesn’t matter whether it compares more or less favourably, whether choosing to feel inadequate and less, or validating ourselves as superior in some way because we don’t have the misery or sickness or poverty that another has. All comparison is born out of a disconnection from who we truly are, and in that individualised self, seeking to gain recognition or identity, we seek to make something of what we have created. But in truth it is all the same basket coming from an identifcation with a false self, that will never be truly satisfied, as it will never deliver us back to the truth of ourselves and where we are from. Reconnect to the fullness of who we are and comparison is no longer able to happen as it simply does not exist in the place where we are truly from.
Thank you Adam and Ariana, I agree, if we “hold tenderness as the mark for our relationships and know that anything less is abuse is a different way of relating to each other and respecting each other.” From holding our tenderness we will not get “lost in a haze of moral ambiguity.”
“Comparison makes the world grey.” So true Adam. None of us really knows the path any of us have walked before, so comparison is truly evil – and completely pointless – just wasting precious energy. Accepting who we are and appreciating the fact is a great counter to comparison.
As the world is constantly evolving, so we are too. Nothing stands still and if we choose to not continue deepening the love within our relationships so they will become abusive too. As the benchmark for what is loving rises what we see as a loving relationship today will become abusive in years to come.
It is great to realise and become aware that abuse starts with abusing ourselves first by the lack of connection and honouring of who we are and from there we allow it with others and become abuses because of this also. The true understanding of abuse comes from an honesty and a greater level of love in our bodies and then as this grows it becomes more and more obvious of the levels of abuse everywhere. Anything less than love is abuse and this will start to become known by the world Thanks to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine .
” … the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged. ”
And this also applies to evaluating our health … these days it seems that cancer is seen as one of the extremes in health (the Ebola virus could be another!) and if we don’t have cancer then many people think they are reasonably healthy, even though they may have diabetes or be very overweight or have a chronic health condition.
I agree – this is a great indicator of the state of our way of life that we feel comfortable living with levels of disease and illness or surrounded by certain behaviour simply because they are not as extreme as others when we enter into comparison. Why do we not base the comparison the other way around according to our true state of being in harmony and stillness? We would then be fully exposed in the absolute truth of the abuse we are in – such is now the case with the loving reflection offered by those living in connection to their re-established connection to our true and natural way of being.
Adam, I love this quote you have included in your blog from Henry Thoreau: “The greater part of what my neighbours call good, I believe in my Soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behaviour. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?” What a profoundly humbling question, and one that many of us would do well to sit with and ponder on deeply. It certainly brought me to a stop. Thankyou for your inspirational blog.
Thank you Sandra. Henry Thoreau was not alone in challenging our concept of good, and not the first, nor the last philosopher to do so. I have often heard Serge Benhayon suggest the same thing – that it is our acceptance of good as being the highest expression of mankind that blinds us to the deeper truth of life. It is easy to condemn actions that we know are not right – murder, corruption, greed, etc. But it takes true devotion to knowing the true nature of love and God in order to understand that the greatest evil is actually the one that comforts us in a way that blinds us to the awareness of our true origins. God’s loves surrounds us, and yet we are ignorant to the fact. And so we settle for benevolence, charity, and good as cheap imitations of the true love from which we all belong. This is not because such expressions are not “better” than what we call evil, but because they are simply not the expression of our highest truth. Because they in part represent something that is true, we accept it, and so we conveniently rest in the belief that we have discovered mankind’s highest expression, when in truth we have only placed another padlock on the doorway to our own energetic awareness of the truth about life, God, and our own divinity.
Yes Adam, it is such a deep illusion that ‘good’ is ok. And it is thanks to Serge Benhayon who has brought this to our awareness in the present day, that ‘doing good’ is equally as harmful as ‘doing bad’, in fact moreso, because at least the bad is seen as bad and can be potentially corrected/stopped, whereas the good is always seen as good and therefore never questioned. But no one stops to ask’ so what is the intention and purpose of the good?’ And so continues the illusion.
“Comparison leads to compromise.”
How true is this and how well I know it … to compare and find myself ‘better’ may mean I then ‘relax’ and drop into comfort and the “crisp edges” become foggy … instead of seeing that there is a difference between myself and another and then holding myself as I am, to what is true for me, even if it may ‘press another’s buttons’. No need to compare, only a need to be me and with me.
Comparison is making us lose sight of what is true for us, as the only reference we take is something else outside of us, not that what is inside. And truly feel what it is for us to be in relationship, with the true love from our inner-heart. Continually evolving.
This blog is whopping and magic to read, thank you Adam for all you have brought to it. In just the first few sentences everything is said about abuse, that is, anything less than love is abuse which offers the reader the opportunity to feel what this means about how we are living. While cognitively I can understand and even feel the truth that we are all interconnected and everything I choose has an effect on everybody else and even self-abuse is abuse of another, it is worthwhile considering what this really means with even a fraction more honesty in all aspects of life. It is Ageless wisdom that what we do to ourselves we do to another and what we do to another we do to ourselves, wisdom of course when it is lived.
Comparison certainly needs to be exposed as it pervades many of our socially common yet ill ways, widely we converse and think in terms of comparison. A close friend of comparison is ‘better’; we look to make everything better and not true. We identify what is not working and look to solve this rather than the dealing with the root issue. This in itself is a terrible illness, a kind of blindness and self-created prison.
We settle for better and good enough, we dream about pictures that satisfy our need for emotions but we do not dare to dig deep and heal the emptiness within that we avoid at the cost of forgetting the love that we hold within.
Carolien great words of wisdom, and it’s so true “we do not dare to dig deep and heal the emptiness within that we avoid at the cost of forgetting the love that we hold within.”
Absolutely Brendan and what do we classify as ‘working”? The boundaries of what we are accepting or classify as good are forever changing and for most not in the direction of truth or love as it truly is. It is as if the wheel in front of our eyes is spinning faster all the time as the light behind it is growing stronger and harder to deny.
“Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.” This is so true Adam, comparison is truly insidious as it leads us to accept less and less as the norm until we no longer remember what was the true way in the beginning.
One of the greatest abuse and deep violence I have experienced in life is disconnection. It kills without sound, and it is frequently unnoticed or even accepted in some parts of the world. A man can consistently ignore his wife and refuse to communicate; a young man can shut out the world by living entirely in his own world of technology and mangas; a whole city or culture can slowly kill each other without expressing truth. We can have all the justifications to say this is how we are as a culture, everyone is doing it; we are not as open as other cultures so here it is that we will stay and remain in comfort—but people are people. Every person in this world no matter their gender or race are absolutely the same when it comes to love, everyone is looking for love. Anything less than love is abuse.
So perfectly expressed Adele, and amazing to think how we convince ourselves as to what is important in life so as to disguise the fact that what we truly miss is the connection to that which is eternally ours – the love of our Soul, and God.
Well said Brendan, and living in such ways, we will always live less than our potential because we dare not look honestly at what is ‘good’ may only be the ‘better’ end of the not good, the abuse. If we do not step off this, then we can never know what is love, something that we can begin to discover as we allow love to become priority in our lives, in our relationships. As love and abuse do not mix.
It’s a sad measurement but also true. Strange in a way that we accept it isn’t it. We can clearly see the joy in children yet we have lost having that for ourselves, but as I always say it’s my absolute goal to come back to that play-full unrestricted way because I know that how I naturally am.
I agree Matts Josefsson, to be filled with joy, inquisitiveness, humour and lightheartedness is how we naturally are, and so blessed are we that these qualities are not lost to us, but just waiting for us to let go that which holds us back, and once again embrace and freely express these aspects of ourselves.
I love reading what you share Adam – I’ve come to a point where it feels abusive to not share with someone when I feel there is a disruption to the harmony I otherwise feel with that person.
Comparison feels like compression in my body. A tightening, a clamping down, a restriction, a bit like being killed slowly by a boa constrictor !
You’ve got it spot on Alexis. Comparison is something that bit by bit closes down on true love like a boa constrictor. It controls every act, thought and movement we initiate. It is terrible to ‘do it’ (comparison) and it is terrible to be on the other end of it. All very painful. We have all the tools we need to stop it and clear it now, thanks to Serge Benhayon. And thanks to Adam for this great article.
Fantastic analogy Alexis – love it and it makes me want to run a mile from comparison.
Adam, the depth of your wisdom and truth that dares to raise the questions that need to be raised can definitely and will be seen as you said, ‘provocation’ only because it unsettles that which is comfortable, known, safe, in how we relate and use comparison as an excuse. It is not difficult to use comparison to not face the fact that our behaviour in relationship is in fact abusive more than we want to be honest about. For many of us we do not even recognise that we are being abusive in our ways and we ‘say’ we love the other. To truly love and not be abusive, is to be open of who we are, and let that out with another, and not one ounce of anything else where we ‘use’ the other for our relief, need to be loved, as a punching bag to release our inner fury, hurts and the list goes on and on. To not abuse is the willingness to get honest, to be responsible for ourselves and to allow love to become the priority.
All i share here, comes from my experience in relationships, and i have seen in the most subtlest of ways how i have been abusive, e.g raising my voice that one tone harsher from the loving tone, and that in itself hurts another deeply. The more love lived, the more the abuse stands out and comparison cannot be used to hide our irresponsibilities.
Karoline I can feel a real ouch with what you have shared. When we don’t allow ourselves to be who we are and be this with another then this is abusive…..so if we are abusive to ourselves in any way (subtle or not) we are then being abusive towards another.
I have sat with this article now since it was dropped like the love bomb it is. It blows me away on many levels and is revelatory and so strong in it’s questioning of where we are truly at? I ponder and I ask myself am I living truth here with each and everyone in relationship. I have tried and tried to make it so, my mind is easy to make lie and twist and manipulate – but the truth is I am conveniently served by the status quo that I have elected as safer than the ‘out there – on an island perception’ I still hold on truth. I am prepared to look at this and delve ever deeper into being more true with myself and each person I know. It starts ultimately with my relationship with me and how I can bring absolute truth to me, it starts now.
Absolutely Lee, “It starts ultimately with my relationship with me and how I can bring absolute truth to me, it starts now”. Even from this starting point, we can ask ourselves, what is my relationship with me like, how am i living with me…am i been abusive in my relationship with me or am i deepening a loving relationship more and more each day. The way we are with ourselves will be how we relate with others. If we are abusive in ourselves this is what we will bring to relationship with others. We will always through comparison see those ‘worse off’ to justify where we are in our relationship with ourselves and then with another.
Adam, this is a very revealing sharing, I agree with your statement there is “the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged. As human beings we like to look out at all that we consider as evil in society, and so long as our life compares well to such darkness, we do not question whether or not what we have is actually true.” Unfortunately, that is how behaviour is ‘normally’ judged, if we think that abuse is only when it is extreme, such as in violence, then that means that the partner who is completely controlling of the other does not have to (or want to) feel that he/she is abusing the other in any way. Their picture of abuse is violence. But controlling behaviour, for example, can be even more damaging to a person in some cases, it can absolutely destroy their lives. And abuse can be very subtle in some cases, but still have damaging effects. ‘Putting down’ the other, even done in subtle ways, can erode the confidence of the other, with lasting effects. Abuse is abuse, and it is time that was recognised.
Yes Beverly ‘Abuse is abuse, and it is time that was recognise’ and it takes courage to go there, because it means an honest appraisal of self and how we are living…comparison is a ‘free ticket’ to being irresponsible, by making it out there, if they are ‘more abusive’ then I’m doing okay, although deep down something does not feel right’. To be willing to be honest about abuse and see how we are relating with ourselves, with another, starts to open up some more real and true within us, LOVE.
Very true Beverley. Not all comparison is “bad”. We can use comparison to inspire us to “lift our game.” However, for the most part, it is comparison that allows us to lose the clarity of what is actually true. Life becomes morally ambiguous as we get lost in comparing our own actions to that of another. What is it to be angry at someone when the world is at war? Well, it is everything, if one understands ‘every’ in the way Serge Benhayon has presented it.
Thank you Adam for a great article, much to ponder on here. it is the way of human life to compare our selves to the worst and by this comparison we can feel our life is ok.
“Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.”
It is up to me to live with complete responsibility and to not compromise. It offers others the opportunity to then feel what this is like and that makes me the barometer of change in the world. I know where I have set my bar and it sits at the top and I’m living and learning as best as I possibly can thanks to Serge Benhayon, as a leading example of what this looks and feels like.
This is a very important realization “Comparison makes the world grey. Edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity.” And this occurs amongst people that declare they love and care for, accepting a haze of unloving behavior because there is a label and belief that this is the source that love comes from.
“Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.” This to me shows the evil of comparison and how destructive it is.
It’s funny – but not… The comments on this blog are many and amazing, but there is yet a sense that the level of truth the writer has brought has indeed often been ‘diluted’ (something the blog itself addresses…).
I could not help but return to read the blog in its entirety once more to reconnect to its brilliance in serving us all on this subject.
What is presented here is truly revelatory, calling us to live in and by truth as our benchmark and nothing less – exposing our convenient, long and well-crafted ways of fooling ourselves that we are living lives founded in love and truth, when we are so frequently not. Hats off to expressing this with such acuity Adam Warburton.
Thank-you.
Writing such as this calls us all to not pay mere lip-service to offering comment, but rather an opportunity to deeply connect to what is being offered.
Totally agree with what you have written here Victoria – and it will serve many to reread and bring more truth to our own personal lives so that we can all truly inspire – not pay lip service to truth.
Adam, I feel the truth of this and can see how I use comparison as a tool to justify behaviours and choices that I know are not truly loving, that compromise myself and others, a ‘settling for less’. Even as I write I can feel the need to change how I am with everything – including how I comment online – so as to be consistently strong and committed to truth, rather than settling for comfort.
This is exactly the conversation needing to be had – a conversation to open ALL conversations on relationships and the actual quality of our living together with each other as human beings (in whatever capacity – be it personal relationships, work, school, community…).
A heavy veil is pierced by these words Adam Warburton, one which when hid behind, we live in constant assessment of ‘how we are doing’ next to our neighbour, or some outer measure.
You have called us all to truly and without holding back… look, feel and assess FOR OURSELVES as to whether all that we live in relation with each other is true, or it is not. Only via knowing truth and ever-deepening in our relationship with it, can we come anywhere near the level of true relationships and living you set forth for us here – as a real possibility.
And yet, there can also be a ‘plus’ to truly acknowledging where others are at – for we are not only led to feel comfortable about our everyday abuses when we look to others who may outwardly appear so much worse off, but we can also open ourselves to seeing just how those with a deep commitment to and knowing of truth, live and relate to each other. There are certainly outer measures which expose us and the level of compromises and abuse we have blithely accepted. Are we willing to be so exposed? That is the question.
Hear hear Victoria.
When Absoluteness is how life is lived, comparison sticks out like a sore thumb. The world at present may think Absoluteness is the sore thumb, but the body knows the Truth, and it is wise to heed this wisdom. Thank you Adam.
Great point Adele Leung, well said.
“Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.” What this is telling me is that unless we are committed to living Truth in every way we tend to make up our truth. Comparison is a convenient accessory to it.
Adam I love your writing and your understanding of people. I also like how you describe how we use human experiences as the litmus test but if we have lost our way then what is our marker of truth and love. This is something for us all to ponder deeply.
Adam’s writing connects the way the world currently is with the truth of what is going on, breaking down accepted ways of living with a clarity that can’t be argued against.
Comparison is the fastest and surest way to leave ourselves as we no longer feel from the inside what is true and start to look outside of ourselves. We are cleverly directed away from the very loud voice inside that will tell us what is loving and what is not to the point that if we happen to hear the voice we will dismiss it for being ridiculous.
Good points Carolien. We have travelled so far from Love into the doubtful mind that the voice of Love is ridiculed. But when we feel it in our hearts we start to hear the truth once again and it is oh so familiar.
So true Carolien, if we are in comparison we have already left ourselves and it is only a downward slope of lovelessness from there.
Thank you Adam for brining to the light the fact that over time most of us have come to accept a very pale and diluted version of what we call love. All the ideals and beliefs that we have allowed to pollute the purity of what true love is need to be exposed in ourselves and each other. Not by judging or reacting but by being willing to see there is so much more then we could once imagine.
Well said Carolien, many of us have settled for ‘being comfortable’ with each other, not physically hurting each other, tolerating each other; that must be love? We lose out on so much if that is what we indeed settle for, and believe that this is true.
So true, Carolien, and the more we allow acceptance and appreciation for our selves and others the more we are filling our selves with love and not allowing space for the ‘what is not’, which doesn’t serve anyone, rather, it takes us away from who we truly are.
How true this is Adam that we redefine tolerance, keeping the peace and the comfort of any number of arrangements between people to be ‘Loving’ relationships. There is great dishonesty in doing so and a clear move away from True Love that we are and know.
It is wise for us to study ‘the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged.’ What is it that we are seeking to cover up, deny and avoid looking at by ‘measuring’ reality away?
We keep comparing ourselves with other so we can either pretend we are less, and therefore give up and let go of being responsible, or pretend that we are more, and therefore feel justified to stay in the comfort of being ‘better’. Either way we keep ourself stuck and disconnected from the natural flow of life which is forever evolving and unfolding.
Thank you, Golnaz, for the clarity on pretending to be less, which is the usual approach I’ve adopted in life, although regular swings into the ‘better’ state happen as well. I reckon I’m pretty much ‘over’ being stuck and disconnected and am finding the key is through not hardening, through being lovingly in my body for a change, a deepening which is gradually happening as I allow this new way more and more.
“Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.” This sentence stands out to me, compromise leads to accepting something less and this leads to us then normalising the situation and this then becomes our reflection which does not support humanity to evolve.
Your paragraph of questions towards the end of this article, Adam, open us up to a whole new way of looking at our lives, relationships, communication and what we have settled for. It is questions like these that break ‘statistical norms’ that we simply comply with because of the safety we can hide in being in the majority crowd; but have to admit therefore that we are part of the perpetuation of beliefs that ensnare us all. Comparison as a measuring tool for how we are doing is reductionist and divisive.
Yes Matilda, so powerfully said by Adam.
Asking us to consider that anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people should be seen as abusive is a very powerful question Adam. Despite what causes a relationship to be anything less than loving there is no doubt that it is abusive.
To be in a relationship where love is the “bottom line” is such a joy, if not at times somewhat challenging.
Isn’t it wonderful how much we can learn from each other, to have the humbleness to see that the way we may have being treating another in the past is actually not acceptable. To swallow our pride and admit that you know that this wasn’t real and true and from there make a new choice that is All Encompassing. Where our relationship with one person is actually in fact one with the whole world. Now you can’t avoid that responsibility for too long as it will eventually catch up with you and when it does you are forced to see what the relationship is teaching you. I love the science of this world, God has thought of everything.
I love this Natalie. Yes, life is teaching us constantly about our choices if we are willing to accept responsibility for them and read what is going on around us.
Since reading this blog and choosing to feel how abusive a grimace or face pull as a response towards another feels in the body, I have felt how you can’t actually be fully connected to yourself and your heart to do that. Only when your in your own stuff and making it about you can you do this towards another, because in that moment your not truly feeling them and their amazing love.
Great blog Adam. There is so much coming to light about abuse in relationships everywhere. This is obviously what we as humanity desperately need to look at, and take responsibility for now. I would agree that comparison is all about separation in relationships. We need to see each other as equal, even though we have different talents. Thank you.
The topic of abuse is everywhere in the press right now due to the domestic violence incidents. Abuse is rampant in society, as a normal way of life. Road rage, cyber-abuse, school bullying, violence in hospitals, bullying in workplaces, the list goes on and on. One by one we will wake up to realise whenever we are anything but love, we are all abusive. So the path back to love begins.
As if modern day society isn’t already going fast paced enough without adding to the mix comparison to make us feel like life is indeed a race that we all have to compete in and against each other to win. What a nasty game it is in which we are all actually losers.
This is a great way of pin pointing the games here Suse, and how it will never be the answer to our issues. This game is a downward spiral that has and does cause much more misery then people really talk about. Adam has done a great job in bringing this to the surface but I wonder how life could be if everyone just stop the game and starting working on them with no need for perfection.
Well said , Suse, As long as we do not understand that we are coming from the one source and as such are all equal as all,of us carry a spark of the same source in us, we are imprisoned in the belief of needing to compare and compete.
Yes Kerstinsalzer15 I agree that we imprison ourselves but there comes a point for those of us who do know, to come from this place within where we are learning to live this equality in our lives, to the best of our ability, so that there is a reflection in the world for others to see that there is another way.
Feeling that we have accepted less than love and that this is a form of abuse is definitely uncomfortable. But it is always a choice – continue to avoid the discomfort and perpetuating the abuse? Or, choose responsibility and live with a commitment to love.
‘Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.’ No truer words have been spoken Adam. If we accept comparison and compromise then we accept living far less than what is possible, a life based on love (in truth) one that honours all equally and accepts nothing less than responsibility from all. If we accept this then we accept living a life that slowly chips away at the essence of who we are and before we know it we are living a false life, a lie, unaware that we are more.
The interesting thing is that once we lower the bar and accept less, we are setting a standard for all aspects of life – we are confirming all that is false to become our way.
Well said Deborah. Once we lower that bar it does not take long before we are living the false life unaware of this fact. The false life becomes the new reality and we continue to accept and lessen all that we are day by day, sure we are living life the way it is supposed to be.
The Truth slips further and further away the more we settle for a false alternative.
Ah yes how true Deborah. What we allow in one part of our life affects all the other parts.
So true Deborah, once we lower the bar and accept less, it affects all areas of our life, everyone we interact with and all that we do.
The slippery slope of choosing less quickly becomes a major landslide and from whence we are scrambling to climb a seemingly steep hill. The great thing about choosing Love is that we may return to the Love we are in an instant – no hills, no slopes and no struggle, just Love.
Yeah great point Deborah about when we settle for less truth slips further away and then it is a difficult path back to where we once left.
Yes Deborah, you cannot choose less than love in one area of your life without it affecting all areas, and bringing more of the same to yourself.
Penelope you have summed up what life has become for most in a nutshell. I think if we could so much as glimpse how we should be living we would probably implode and I am not being dramatic. I think the shock, the sadness and the heart ache would be overwhelming. Thankfully it seems that we wake very slowly to the truth of what is going on, giving our bodies, our minds and our hearts time to adjust to the reality of life. Our whole existence has been a lie with only a tiny percentage of truth peppered through it.
I love what you write Richard about it being a responsibility and a joy-full one. Responsibility has become something that is seen to be a burden or onerous yet in truth is it a way to live that is not only joy-full but has Love and Truth as it’s foundation. No longer a pipe dream but our everyday.
Richard, I feel those 2 questions will be ones I will be addressing to myself to assist with living a life of Love as much as possible, so thank you.
Well said, Richard. the world seems to be full of those looking for love, aspiring to be a better person. Its as if they are punishing themselves for not being enough, when in truth, we are ALL enough, we just choose not to show it.
“Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.” Thank you Adam for exposing the depths of the illusion we bury ourselves in with comparison.
To me this is the thing that is most harming about this, and that is the fact that we both consciously and unconsciously continue to feed the illusion of comparison whenever we say we are more or less than another which we so often herald as a ‘good’ thing. In truth anywhere or anytime there is competition or someone being better than another, there is always comparison and can never be true equality.
And can there be true equality without love? Comparison and competition and anything where we do not feel equal to another is just a big sign that we are not in connection with ourselves, and therefore God and humanity. When we are connected, All of us are connected and there can be no inequality.
That is true Angela, where there is competition there is comparison and with this there can never be true equality. It’s crazy that we call for equality all the time, yet size ourselves up to all around us.
What would it be like to completely choose the pure essence of us? To know ourselves so well that we can truly see and observe the when and the how we are choosing abuse.
Comparison is just the substitute for lack of responsibility. When you are completely responsible it fortifies something within and that is a connection to God, leaving not a single cell in the body that is capable of comparing anything or anyone to God.
I love what you have said Matthew. When we embrace living with full responsibility there is a powerful knowing that we are at one with God, at one with every one and co-creators of the whole unfolding. In that moment how can there be any comparison?
Yes Matthew, responsibility (or lack of) being the key piece in the puzzle of where humanity is at. Being completely responsible for ones entire life changes everything and it certainly does offer a deeper connection to ourselves and therefore God. I know that getting to the point of no comparison will be liberating beyond words.
‘Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness. Comparison makes the world grey. Edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity’.
This is an astounding paragraph Adam. When we feel we are not enough in ourselves, we end up in a never ending slippery slope downwards to a place where we no longer have the ability to recognise the beauty all around us.
I agree simplesimon888 that is an exceptional paragraph and really brings the message home for me that when we settle for ‘better than..” we are abandoning the truth and creating ‘moral ambiguity’ as Adam says. We can use comparison to justify our behaviour but that doesn’t make the behaviour true.
Comparison is such a killer in relationships. It takes alot of courage and self honesty to feel if and how we bring this light to our relationships. My experience of comparison has always come with a yearning for something ‘better’ than what I have.
It’s become an almost all known, or well known fact that “the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged” yet no-one ever stops to examine, let-alone feel, what this really means for us.
This is so true Oliver. What sort of behaviours and abuse are we tolerating in society simply because they are not as bad as the extremes we are also seeing. Is one punch really that much different to three?
” Anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people should be seen as abusive.” This is a tremendously powerful statement, which can be very confronting. If one ponders this and endeavours to live by the statement it is incredibly revealing of what we take as acceptable when in fact it is unloving and abusive. However, if one does embrace living truthfully this way, the depth of love that then follows is truly gorgeous and continues to ever deepen and magnify.
There in lies comfort. Yes you are correct Jonathan it is very confronting as first and foremost the abuse is by ourselves on ourselves before we even look at the relationships that we have with others. It’s all a choice and then an opportunity, depending on the choice we make.
Such a profound way to start – ‘…consider that anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people should be seen as abusive.’ Once the comparison used to justify our actions and subsequent excuses is exposed this really does not need thinking about. Why have we settled for less?
I am not sure if I would entirely endorse that anything but an open and loving relationship is abusive. If we are abusive to ourselves and many of us are – look at what we eat – it means our relationship can’t be open and loving because we are not so.
If we widen the definition of abuse too much, too many things that could be improved upon but are not actually something that is abusive will be classified as abusive. That kind of approach has its drawbacks.
‘An open and loving relationship’ means many different things, depending on where those who are part of the relationship are at.
‘How do we know we have found a relationship of love, and not just one of mutual convenience that serves to keep us blind to the true nature of our own existence?’ I guess most relationships are as is here described. No wonder we tend to question the meaning of life when we miss oppurtunities to evolve (learn) and not live our true potential.
Comparison can so subtly influence what we do but the result can be quite devastating.
Very well said – subtle is a good word to use, because it can be very easy to ignore the way it can twist perceptions and thoughts and behaviours, so that it can go on for some time and before we know it, the whole way normal is seen is completely different – the change so ‘subtle’ no one calls it out of having happened.
It is indeed Brendan, at least in my experience. It never actually helps me rather gets me extremely distracted and away from feeling or looking at what is in front of me. Comparison is extremely insidious and takes away any and all responsibility for our choices up to that moment.
‘Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness. Comparison makes the world grey. Edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity.’ This truth resonates deeply in my body. Comparison is so deeply ingrained in us that we need a wake up call to redetermine what our truth is.
Adam, a great blog which highlights an area that most of us don’t want to look at. We get comfortable in a convenient arrangement that does not ask us to be more and there are pockets in most relationships where we are stagnating and hiding and we are putting up with abuse without calling it that. Any undermining of oneself or allowing another to abuse you is also abuse – self-abuse. In my case, I felt I did not deserve to be loved so I accepted this ‘subtle’ abuse as part of what I felt I rightly deserved. Once you see it for what it is though, it is not subtle at all – it erodes like battery acid and causes immense damage in the body. By knowing that I am responsible for the choices I made, I have the power to change and I will no longer allow abuse in my life.
Adam, I love how you speak about the ‘forever expressive nature’ of true love’. There is an expansive offering in true love and an openness that is willing to share everything and have no secrets and no holding back from being fully who you are. It’s a constantly unfolding deepening back into Love and how beautiful to be able to share that with another and reflect that to the world for others to be reminded of the possibility of true love on earth.
Beautifully said Sandra. True love is indeed our relationship with truth and the ‘forever expressive nature’ of this truth.
Adam there is much that you have presented here to deeply consider. I have certainly deemed my relationships as ‘good’ based on the fact that they are not to the eye abusive. But our eyes never tell us everything. We often see only what we want to see. Being ‘good’ is settling for less, compromising and not offering the opportunity of bringing truth into our lives.
Yes, it’s quite something to consider that being ‘good’ is also harming our relationships.
Reading this blog has helped me understand the true wickedness of comparison for it only ever allows us to either feel superior or inferior to others, never equal. Great blog Adam.
Comparison takes us away from our inner knowing of truth. By looking externally to have a barometer of what we should be doing or not, we completely override and disregard what our own body is saying to us. By using someone else’s situation as a comparison we are creating a completely false situation whereby we try to fit out life into theirs, or their life into ours. This can never work, as we all have very different expressions and paths that we are unfolding. Our true answers come from within, and so it is connecting to this place within – our essence, heart or innermost – that we need to be supported with.
Comparison and compromise feed each other and are like a poison in relationships as they made impossible to express and bring true intimacy and love to another.
mmm… I’m going to go with yes on this one Brendan! So easy to get caught up in comparison to get distracted away from what is really going on. Comparison is so external that it prevents any sort of inward reflection or self-awareness.
Comparison leads to compromise. Never a truer word has been spoken Adam. It’s subtle because the difference seems minor but it is always a bargaining chip to justify why something is good, bad, better or worse.
Even though it seems minor, the knock on effect or the consequences are huge. We end up celebrating compromise as the way to be in relationship.
so true Jennifer, it is a form of conditional love, both given and received
Wow Jennifer, that is so true. We consider our relationships, or the part we play in our relationships successful when we compromise and stay in comfort.
Well exposed Jennifer. We celebrate and champion compromise. It’s at the very core of our societies and the influences that seek to model our relationships. Just look at what the church has done in championing Jesus as a martyr, rather than celebrating and building upon the lived way he showed us all was very possible – a lived way in which truth in relationship was known and honoured in everyday living, with no copping out via measuring/comparing against others in sight…
Compromise can sneak in on a minuscule scale but as you have written Jennifer it runs deep and with consequences unfathomable at that first moment of choosing.
I am learning this one myself the hard way. Comparison does lead to compromise because ultimately you are looking outside of yourself and away from the all knowing compass within.
Exactly Joel. And how masterful we are in playing with these ‘bargaining chips’… rather than being willing to truly ‘get real’ and live with truth and love (the real thing) as our reference points. I can feel more of the tentacles of seeking a ‘better life’ releasing their hold just in reading and commenting on this blog… we have been enmeshed in our own wilful compromise, justified to the hilt most especially when we ‘get what we want’ out of life and it ‘looks good’ in comparison to where we have been before and/or the misery around us.
Aarrgghhhh for the self-driven fantasies so much of our lives can be spent in playing out (either in the fulfilment of, or the pain of ‘not having’), and the grand distraction from living with a deep and fundamental relationship with truth and love from which life cannot but be about all.
It does seem very convenient – wow, considering the degree of comparison that is rife in society, that is an unfathomable mound of undealt with issues…on the rise.
Yes it is! Well said. For comparison draws us out to look at things from the outside when true healing takes place when we look within.
Thank you Adam for totally nailing the evil of comparison and how we use it to be less than who we truly are. When we use comparison we avoid the truth of who we are innately as we are so fuelled with self doubt and our total focus is on self and not living in unity and equality with humanity. As we learn to become more honest with ourselves and how we conduct ourselves in relationships we can feel the abuse of anything that is us being less than our innately divine selves.
Absolutely Ariana. If tenderness is the marker for our relationships this exposes anything that is not tender which ultimately will show itself to be abuse. Far too uncomfortable for those of us who don’t want to feel this.
What if we take lightness and love as our point of reference instead of the darkness, worse cases of abuse compared to our relationships. In that light we will find that there is an ever evolving discarding of abusive behaviours. Yes, my relationship is loving….compared to a couple less loving than we are. And yes, my relationship with myself and my boyfriend can be much more tender, if I let go of my protection (expressed with hardness). Compromise leads to the acceptance of something less, you write. So also for me as a woman, this blog makes me realize to not settle for less.
We let ourselves get away with things knowing others do it to or do worse. Without comparison we would sooner feel into it and know the truth, we would do whatever feels right. Serge Benhayon inspires people to become aware how we sabotage ourselves and how this has an impact on everything else.
We either seem to compare ourselves to worse so we can let ourselves get away with things or compare ourselves to what we think is better so we can put ourselves down. Either way we set ourselves up for failure. Taking love as our point of reference is our only way out.
Adam, I keep coming back to this sentence, ‘in short, this blog was asking us to consider that anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people should be seen as abusive.’ I can feel how very true this is and how much we compromise because most relationships are not like this.
We don’t like to admit that terse words or closing ourselves off is actually deeply abusive, as they are commonplace behaviours and actions for many. When we know it is as simple as taking responsibility for these things, as opposed to chastising ourselves for them, we can realise that living responsibly is actually the most loving we can be.
Very true Ariana. We are very un-willing to face the fact that we abuse one another and do so very carelessly. Re-establishing true tenderness within our relationships requires a keen eye and astute adherence to feeling the quality of energy with which we communicate and express ourselves. When we begin with our individual expression and responsibility, we create a living example that supports others to follow suit, thus the potential to establish true tenderness is multiplied by how often we live and embody the principle.
Beautiful blog Adam Warburton. It occurs to me that we have ‘acceptable abuse’ and ‘unacceptable abuse’ in our relationships with others. When we compare comfortable yet loveless existences with so much of the violent abuse that goes on it is most certainly preferable. But settling for preferable is not choosing to be the Love that we are innately within ourselves and dare I say, until we do choose it, we will all be lesser than we can be in truth and thereby an ‘abusive’ presence in our world.
Reading this blog and comments does bring it home how there are so many different levels of abuse, from a physical blow to a person sulking and everything in between. Most of my past behaviours and that of my partners, friends and family, I would have only considered physical abuse and excessive bullying as being abusive but the marker for me has definitely changed and is constantly being refined.
This is a brilliant blog bringing a whole new light and understanding to relationships and what is really going on and what we have settled for.
“Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness. Comparison makes the world grey. Edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity.” So true and this opens up so much for us to see and claim the love we truly are by living it.Thank you Adam
Adam you speak of wise words just like Henry Thoreau once controversially wrote, “The greater part of what my neighbours call good, I believe in my Soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behaviour. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?” – It took me a couple of times to read this and digest what is being said. The last sentence in this quote from Henry Thoreau is one for us to deeply consider. To be caught in such false acts under the illusion that they are of good intent is evil at it best.
Absolutely agreed Natalie. This quote sits on the fridge at home – and I visit it often, sometimes with a laugh and other times with an ‘ouch’ that I chose ‘niceness’ and ‘keeping the peace’, for example, over honouring the truth I knew in a situation all too well.
We have so deeply and conveniently misconstrued what it is to live in true relationship with ourselves and each other. Commit to our relationship with truth, and all is exposed – thankfully so!
Thank God for wise men like Henry Thoreau and Adam Warburton who call out the good that is anything but that – the nice, and the compliant ways that look so lovely when compared to aggression. These nice ways can be incredibly deceptive; a poison chalice if you will, one that we drink from deeply, imagining that its contents are completely harmless, but not stopping to discern the quality of the draught we are ingesting. “Nice” can fool our eyes, steal our honesty, as is all too often it is a thin coating over anger, fury and an unwillingness to truly let people be who they are. It can be filled with judgement but that judgement is nowhere to be seen. You cannot fault the person’s outward behaviours, yet our subtle senses are ringing every alarm bell – something is wrong, but what is it?
This is surely one of the greatest problems we have allowed to go unchecked in our society – that we settle for a slender pretence that has no love and true connection in it, all the while ours eyes are turned in judgement upon the obvious bad behaviours.
There are so many exposed truths in this blog it is a gem to read and re read. Thank you Adam,
Hi Adam, this is a brilliant piece of writing, and one for the ages. Recently I have been reflecting on the Violence of Expectation. There is an abuse even in what I Expect my relationship to deliver to me. Expectation of how my partner should be with me solely based on what I need him to be for me in that moment. I now feel the the imposition of the energy that comes through me when I am in this frame of mind. It blinds me from actually reading my partner and being sensitive to him and what is going on and in that the person on the receiving end is likely to feel an acute sense of rejection. On the surface I am just asking my partner to be more this or more that, but there is a lot that goes on when you make energetic integrity your benchmark and not merely the comparison of an others relationship. By all measures I have a ‘dream’ relationship but there is always more to unfold if we choose to make life about love and evolution in all the truth of its grandness.
Rebecca I had not considered that before, the Violence of Expectation and how abusive our expectations can be because as you say they blind us to the sensitivities of our partners or friends, I have been aware lately how I have an image of how I would like or expect someone to be and this can be different for each person depending on my level of openness. I am really beginning to see how controlling and abusive this can be, the expectation comes loaded with so much more than just asking someone to be more.
Scratching underneath the surface to feel the quality of energy ourselves and our partners are being governed by is essential as you someone can say something as simple as hello to you from love or from resentment, jealously etc. etc.
Well said Abby. On top of the water the iceberg is tiny compared to the truth that lay underneath the surface.
Agree Abby, and it is through the connection to our bodies that we can actually feel or discern whatever is coming from love or not.
Hear hear Abby – words are one thing, but the energy it’s being delivered with is another and needs even more attention than the word itself at times. Even ‘I love you’ can be loaded with that which is not of Love. We can get into trouble if our bodies are not clear to be discerning the energy we are in let alone that of another. I feel this is where arguments arise as partners can be blinded or numbed by their days choices to not see they have slipped away from Love for themselves and thus for each other.
I love what you have written here Rebecca about how we impose on others when we ‘expect’ them to behave in a particular way, however well-intended our stance might be. “It blinds me from actually reading my partner and being sensitive to him and what is going on and in that the person on the receiving end is likely to feel an acute sense of rejection.” This shows that in that moment we are trying to control the situation rather than being open to the love, unfolding and evolution that life offers.
This is beautiful Rebecca and has woken me up to the truth of my own expectations within the relationship with my partner and also my sons.
That’s awesome Rebecca, the abuse of our expectations. This is something I can relate to, I appreciate you calling this one out for I had never considered this as abusive. But of course it is. It’s abusive to both my partner and myself. Expectation offers nothing to a relationship, it keeps us in the compromise mind set of keeping us small and keeping things ‘nice’ and ‘agreeable’ on the outside, but offers nothing to either one of us.
The violence of expectation. That is something extraordinary Rebecca, and I have experienced in spades recently – not a new phenomenon to me by any means, but I have doing it so much lately that I can not pretend to be ignorant to the utter poison of it.
I have been projecting my wishes, hopes and needs onto another person, feeling the violation that it is of them. They are no longer a beautiful but have been reduced to the blank canvas upon which I project what I need. This is such an ugly way to abuse another, all innocent of course because it leaves no trail, unless of course we can read the intent.
A superb expansion on Adam’s blog.
Thank you Rebecca for exposing ‘Violence of Expectation’, you have hit this abuse on its head and this explains so much of what I’ve been doing with my family lately. I’m finding that when I’m overly focusing on what they are doing or not doing and expecting this to change or be different, its so often all about me, and what I’m not doing and the expectations I have on myself.
Powerfully honest words Rebecca, thank-you. All imposition upon another is abusive, violent and harmful isn’t it… I can relate to how this can play out in the seemingly subtlest of ways – and yet these are NOT stones to be left unturned.
Adam’s writing takes us back to a fundamental reference point of truth within ourselves and our deep responsibility with this, where any compromise on what is true can be exposed and seen for what it is. And what a powerful way (and I would say the only true way) to commit to our relationships – with ourselves and each other – that we honour the marker of truth that is there within us all, though we can be so masterful at avoiding it… Our commitment to fostering and deepening our knowing of truth is everything here – no perfection needed, yet a willingness to not hide from truth is a fundamental requisite..
The term you use is on first read confronting and yet it fits exactly the behaviour I use and abuse everyday in my relationship/s. The Violence of Expectation fulfilling the absolute need to not be all you are first and foremost – allowing all others to step into their own when and how they feel ready. What a crushing way of living if energetically we constantly push and shove others to fulfil all that we do not choose for ourselves.
Yes, it is entirely possible , and even may I dare say its the absolute truth.
Great blog Adam, comparison leads to a life lived from the outside in, and when we live from our essence we live from the inside out.
Another awesome blog Adam – much to ponder on, especially the bits that made me flinch a little, also more still to ponder on within the contents of the comments. Thank you.
I love this line ‘how do we know we have found a relationship of love, and not just one of mutual convenience that serves to keep us blind to the true nature of our own existence?’ Parts of society live this way: denying who they are.
Brilliant revelation, Brendan. I will sit with that one for a while. Thank you.
By respecting each other and deeply listening to what one is really saying can help to build a solid foundation for a honest relationship. Anything less than love and understanding I would not accept at all.
I like this sentence Adam; “Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.” No compromise can truly serve us, but keeps us hooked in comfort.
Yes monika2808, compromise is slippery slope. It reminds me of Shakespeare’s quote – ‘oh what a tangled web we weave when first we utter to deceive”. This definitely goes for deceiving ourselves about what feels loving and ok and what does not. what feels harmful and abusive.
What is expressed here is so huge. Comparing as a way of keeping ourselves stuck in stagnation is rampant. I have even at times made comparisons with with my own past allowing me to comfortably settle for the ‘better’ version I have achieved . This article is a welcome reminder and a nudge to wake up and look at the truth of the game we are playing.
I agree and I keep coming back to this blog and noticing through the day how much comparison plays out in all interactions and relationships simply because we are not being and accepting ourselves. ‘Better’ is a trick.
I agree Golnaz, indeed it is a game we play when we choose to compare and justify with whatever we can our abuse behaviours towards others, this article is awesome as it exposes we can’t hide anymore.
We are masterful at this, aren’t we Golnaz… I can state outright that whilst I can deeply appreciate ‘where I stand now’ compared to how I lived in the past, I do still use this weighted scale to let things slide that should not. And why ‘should they not’? Because truth can be felt, inclusive of the truth that to rest in ‘better’ is most definitely not it.
This is what building a true relationship with ourselves and all others is about – our willingness to ever-deepen our relationship with truth and acknowledge the truth we feel to the depths of our being. In compromising on truth, we abuse ourselves and our relationship with God at the deepest level there is.
Gosh this angle is ever more revealing Golnaz – if I completely honest that is a game that I constantly play – I am better than before – negating the fact that there is a truth here being called for.
It occurred to me that life is a bit like a slow motion horse race, we are all constantly aware of where we are in the field compared to everyone else. Giddy up!
Awesome analogy Alexis! ’Giddy up’ and crack that whip of comparison to make us feel not only superior or inferior to others but to make us all feel that we need to keep up with the proverbial Jones’s, or feel like a failure if we don’t. It’s so evil!
When we go into comparison of another person we are judging them , at the same time we compare we also pigeon hole ourselves, we not only limit another we limit ourselves, it is a trap – as there is no evolution possible
Absolutely, Brendan, a very convenient distraction. We do a quick pulse check and see that we are doing ‘better’ than another, allowing ourselves to feel good about where we are at. Funny how we are always able to find people to validate this. Very convenient indeed.
yes it is a distraction we use to focus in making one self less than or more than another and in that gives the self a license to keep on living without any responsibility whatsoever.
“A relationship of mutual convenience that serves to keep us blind to the true nature of our own existence?” I know that some of my relationships are indeed based on convenience, benefit and comfort, my likes and dislikes matching those of the other parties. More often than not belonging to groups, associations, nationalities entails sharing a set of beliefs and ideals but this allegiance is what separates us from other groups, When we place ourselves on the comparison scale we stop evolving and instead retract and shut out the love that we are.
Great call Patricia – ‘when we place ourselves on the comparison scale we stop evolving….’ How very true and how very comfortable we become in our lovelessness.
Well said Richard and yet that scale always has an awkward feel and so we turn to more abuse to dull down what we truly feel and do not want to see.
We essentially are giving ourselves away and up by comparing to another and in doing so we disconnect from all that we are and know. Whilst we live to another’s rhythm, picture, ideal and tune we fail to live a life of truth.
Spot on Deborah… and underneath this failure to live a life of truth is the denial of our own grand uniqueness… which at the same time forms part of the most sublime whole. Such a beautiful thing to feel and understand… it’s beyond crazy that we deny this and then seek a torturous, very lesser version as our way.
The potential of living a life in full acceptance of our grandness, divinity and the whole is powerful beyond measure…let’s be done with playing less than the awesomeness we are.
Yes… playing less gets all of us nowhere, if we do, we just keep confirming that less than that grandness is normal.
Thank you Patricia, could it be we become a chameleon to fit in to not feel the hurt of not being the tender loving nature we naturally are.
Ouch Brendan! That just about sums up comparison. All those comfortable arrangements that hide deep hurts and sadness, never being true to ourselves, all the games we play to avoid being who we are therefore never allowing true relationships to be in our lives, until we realise compromise simply does not work!
Yes Lorraine it was a big ouch to discover that I hadn’t been true to myself and that in not being true to myself I wasn’t living in true relationship with anyone, least of all myself! Learning to honour how I feel through the expression of it has started to reap some great rewards in the relationship i have with myself that means i am compromising less and less with others.
Absolutely brilliant Adam, calling evil out even in its nicest disguise. It gives me a great shake up when words of such truth are spoken. One can only feel how we allow such things to become our ‘normality’ and ‘comfort’. Comparison allowing the illusion to have a firmer grip when we choose to listen to it’s evil and not the words from within.
Well said Kim. It isn’t often you find someone who is willing to see and expose evil in its ‘good’/’benevolent’ disguise – I have huge respect for Adam who is able to do this so clearly and with such wisdom.
So true Susie, I have a deep respect for these people who call the evil out, they lead the way for us to follow and show that we are greater then the evil’s veil. I can feel how this is a place we will all be at and are all working to bring back out within ourselves.
Hear hear Susie! Adam is one of the originals on this most crucial of awarenesses!
That feels right – nothing like carrying on about someone or something else as a great decoy from what is going on at home. Historically, kings used to start a war when things were not that great within their own boundaries in order to distract their subjects from what was really going on at home.
I love this line of inquiry that you have both taken up here Brendan and Gabriele. the same ‘comparative’ distraction away from what is going on at home happens daily on the news. It is a form of comforting us that things aren’t so bad in our relatively safe country, so that we do not need to question ourselves and the way we are living. Society is riddled with this consciousness like a virulent disease.
I know may people that do live with this set up of blaming others and carrying on about someone else, but never looking at their own mess. This strategy works for many as a form of protection in relationships. There is always someone doing something wrong to talk about for hours.
History is still repeating itself then.
You talk about using “the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged”. I agree – as long as something or someone else is judged to be worse or worse off, we like to think we are okay when in truth we have just lowered the bar by a few more notches.
So true, Gabriele, reading the newspaper is a classic example. Day after day we read about terrible atrocities going on all over the world and whilst we are shocked, bit by bit we are also becoming desensitised and we would be lying if we didn’t also acknowledge a slight relief that it’s not happening to us. Our marker of what is ‘normal’, not that it’s ok, but rather, happening with great regularity, is constantly getting lower and lower.
Aren’t we so tricky in playing the game of unawareness, by lowering the bar we create a measurement that suits us. There are no standards for a true normal anymore, somehow taken off and changed for a lesser version, accepted and ignored of the many.
We are expert at ignoring the very ugly things that urgently need our attention Monica I agree. We have lost our true normal and it is only since meeting Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine did I truly appreciate just how lost it is. Restoring the true normal in my life has taken time, focus and dedication but is extremely well worth it. I am learning now to not ignore the ugly bits, even if it means getting stung a few times, because I don’t want to allow that energy to fester in this world anymore.
I feel we do this so as not to be shaken out of our comfort. If we are still comfortable we don’t have to step up and do anything about it. Only when we feel truly disturbed are we willing to make the effort to change.
I agree Monika, this game suits us and our needs and when we are bored of this game we just move to another but never addressing the energy that we are running with and/or the hurt that may have got us there. Working on our behaviours is a big ask when we are so ingrained in them but this is an important factor if we are to actually make a difference and truly come back to being ourselves.
I cannot help but to continue to return to this blog as it draws me from the gems of wisdom shared within.
And this is not solely in parter relationship, it’s how we interact with everybody, even ourselves. I watch kids at school abuse one another not necessarily by words, but it can be a tone of voice, comparing their work, talking over one another, how they grab something without having consideration for any one else. This is not limited to a classroom, but a play of how life is across the world.
In saying that, life is our classroom and school.
Indeed Gyl Rae. This shows the extent and absurdity to which the constant comparing in our world has led: we bring our children up to compete and to fulfill certain ideals. But where do we teach or inspire them to be just who they are and see the wonders everyone does bring to this earth and what we can achieve if we work together instead of constantly draining our energy levels in this endless race of comparison.
Comparison is modelled, mirrored and encouraged from every angle – media, education, peers, families and society in general. It pits one against another and goes against true harmony, brotherhood and equalness and sets us at odds with ourselves.
Yes Doug, it is rare for someone to ‘get through school’ unscathed and whilst we don’t have the corporal punishment and complete degradation of children that proliferated throughout the last century, we now have our modern versions of the same. There is a long way to go before school is going to be a truly supportive, confirming and loving environment for the majority, if not eventually for all.
When we are using the worst situations as our marker, our quality to which we accept does reduce.
It’s everywhere in our actions and our speech in society. Just today I asked someone how they are and they replied with ‘not too bad’. It made me recall this blog. The ‘not too bad’ is now a marker used to say people are ok as they are not bad. How stunting for our expression.
Thanks, Adam. I can really feel the imprisonment of the “mutual convenience that serves to keep us blind to the true nature of our own existence” and see it everywhere in society. To choose to step out of that and commit to life in full is a game changer, and it is a choice we will all have to make as we cannot deny our true nature indefinitely.
“Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less”, wow, it does feel quite yucky when we compromise, I know in my body it feels very unsettling, for this to me is a great sign to warn me I have gone into comparison. Due to lack of confidence before, I used to go into comparison a lot and feel really anxious in my body, since I have worked on my self care, self love, I have been rebuilding my confidence and no longer go into everyday comparison in the way I used to.
Awesome Amita I am slowly developing a keen awareness of when that compromise is there as a choice – if it is then I have already committed to comparison. To catch these two, they have masqueraded as friends for ever and a day, is an absolute step in the direction of my soul.
Thank you Amita, I understand, “to go into comparison a lot and feel really anxious in my body”. Comparison was one of the tools I used to feel I was coping in life. I have now learnt to understand the role comparison and anxiety play in my life thank to the on-line Understanding Anxiety in Men – ONLINE COURSE
http://study.coum.org/enrol/index.php?id=14
Adam, I can so feel the truth of what you have written here about relationships, I can feel how often relationships function and are comfortable, but are generally not evolving and not about true love and that this is often because of a fear of speaking out, of not wanting to rock the boat and so things just stay the same and we accept them as they are, I know this has certainly been the case for me in the past. It is wonderful that you have written this article and exposed what is really going on.
As I come back again to this blog, your comment Rebecca could have been written about me, certainly before I met Serge Benhayon. Relationships that were comfortable arrangements, not speaking out in case I rocked the boat, definitely not being the true me. Adam’s article has exposed so much about disfunctional relationships, that some of us considered were normal.
Very true Rebecca, I know in the past my marker of a good, loving relationship was one based on emotional and material security, although I never achieved this because I was too emotionally insecure to simply be myself. I love Adam’s blog because it really blows the lid on all our comfort, our short sighted values and self centred gains. When we truly understand what Love and a loving relationship is, we see that it goes way beyond the normal boundaries of our current relationships, it includes everyone we meet. If I am going to create a relationship based on love, I personally have to live that quality 24/7 with myself and all I meet, not just keep it restricted to my partner and family.
This is huge Adam, like letting the cat out of the bag, and exposing the under current of what we often shape our relationships and much of our lives up against. Even though it is shocking to feel and be aware of, it all makes absolute sense. I can see how I do this in all areas of my life. I can gauge the health of my body, the food I choose, how I work, my relationships with others, how much I distract myself to not feel etc….. against something ‘far’ worse. A very powerful blog that I will be returning to, Thank you.
I agree Aimee. I can feel that it calls for a deeper transparent honesty that is not coloured by the striving to be better.
Individually not feeling the context in which we may experience abuse, or be the abuser, seems to contribute to a whole society of undiscerning people.
Totally agree with what you have written here Aimee. This blog causes me to pause and reflect on how far I go into and use comparison for accepting a certain level of behaviour (my own and others) in my life. Definitely worth further consideration at what is going on here.
That is the fall; saying that it could be worse and staying in this lesser state of being. I used to say this too, but I have also felt the hurt that comes with an unsatisfied life in contraction, reaching and looking for something better or for recognition. I am so proud of myself that I have stopped this self abuse.
Well said Aimee. I definitely do this too; debate in my head that the food I’m eating is ‘totally fine’ because ‘other people eat McDonald’s for breakfast!’… A bit of an exaggeration haha but that is in essence what we do when we compare our own diet against what others eat, and end up overeating/eating the wrong foods based on a comparison to something that we deem as ‘far worse’.
The excuses and justifications we come up with are readily provided by shifting the marker well away to a far worse or seemingly greater evil. We become masters of deception and avoiding the Truth rather than mastering the Love that we are.
Well said Deborah, “We become masters of deception and avoiding the Truth rather than mastering the Love that we are.” I’ve been thinking about this lately, am I living in a way that is just ‘better’ than what I have lived before or am I living in a true and loving way.
This is a great question to ask ourselves repeatedly ‘am I living in a way that is just ‘better’ than what I have lived before or am I living in a true and loving way.’ for it is easy to settle into comfortability rather than continually deepen and grow our Love.
Good point Deborah. Excuses and justifications then offer the alarm bells of disconnection because when we express from love and truth, there is no need to excuse or justify anything!
Well said Deborah. We are absolute masters of convenient self-deception, utilising our preference to look without rather than to the truth within, as the foundation for how we choose to live our lives and relate to each other.
What an abuse of Truth this is in itself… To look at it in this light, i.e. how every such choice away from truth abuses its very nature, is completely horrendous…
Yet, truth doesn’t go anywhere, it simply awaits for our return and wilful choice to align to it once more – in an ever-deepening way as you have shared here also.
‘Truth doesn’t go anywhere, it simply awaits for our return and wilful choice to align to it once more’ – Yes Victoria and to go against such Truth and live a false requires an enormous volume of constant energy and movement to uphold such deception.
Yes great point Deborah, also true though is that as we are masters of Deception and avoiding Truth – it actually shows we have already mastered Love. How can we not have really, as we ARE it. So by being ourselves, we would naturally show this mastery of Love. In order to NOT show it however, we show our equal mastery of it’s counter-parts.
I am aware that I have been in relationships that although were not physically abusive, were definitely abusive in other ways, emotionally and psychologically. I have been a part of it in some way. It is horrible. I accepted relationships of this kind because of a need to be in a relationship, old hurts and because I didn’t know that I deserved any better, or how to make relationships about love. Thank God for Serge Benhayon, or I would still be doing the same thing.
I feel the same way Lisa, I can look back and see how past relationships were based on a foundation that was not respectful and honouring of me and compromising in many ways which allowed the abuse to creep in at many different levels. Meeting Serge Benhayon has allowed me to build more love and respect in my body where I will not accept any abuse whatsoever.
Yes Francisco, compromising does allow ‘abuse to creep in’ because it is really a subtle undermining of oneself that does not think one is worthy of true respect. By honouring and appreciating ourselves we know our true value and do not accept less.
Sandra I absolutely agree compromise is key to allowing abuse in. It can be a subtle compromise based on some senses of low self worth, but compromise it is and then we accept something less than what we are truly worth which at even a low level is an acceptance of abuse. A friend presented at a Women’s Well-Being talk that she found she always gave herself the ‘burnt chop’.
Until I met Serge Benhayon, all my relationships were based on compromising and comfort Francisco yet at that time I didn’t consider it abusive but normal. Now I have a different and more truthful foundation of love for myself and everyone in my life.
Yes Lisa, I can identify with that too. I have been in relationships that were abusive emotionally and psychologically, and had it not been for Serge Benhayon I would probably also still be in one. As you say, the awful thing is that I too allowed it to continue, knowing it was wrong, but not doing anything about it, and so allowing the other person to continue doing what they were doing, but being unaware of the harm they (and I) were causing.
Yes Lisa, I can totally relate. I haven’t experienced any commonly labelled or overt ‘abuse’ in relationships but if I use the marker of honouring and respect I have for myself these days, I could call all of it abuse, including the way I was equally. Essentially if everything not truly loving is abuse, then most of my life has been that. And the level of protection and guarding we end up holding in our bodies and our way of being in the world is just further testimony to that.
How true this is Jenny ‘but if I use the marker of honouring and respect I have for myself these days, I could call all of it abuse, including the way I was equally. ‘
There is on one end of the spectrum the overt physical abuse which is easily seen and named, there is the stealth insidious emotionally and psychologically abuse and yet how many of us continually abuse ourselves by not living according to what our body and knowing calls for? and how many of us can truly say that at some point we have not harmed (abused) another by our words, intentions and actions? When we get down to it and hold a mirror to ourselves we may find that we have contributed if not continue to add to the abuse that is rampant in society.
Absolutely, and well said Deborah. If we are to end up not blaming others for all their ‘abusive ways’ we have got to look equally at how we are in every relationship too. And yes, anything less than love in our expression will be felt by another for the lovelessness it contains, and hence is abusive. The enormity of this responsibility becomes glaringly obvious the longer this conversation continues!
Lisa, the part where you say that you didn’t know that you deserved any better is so common. I have felt this and I am sure many others have too. It feels like a vicious cycle of self abuse, accepting abuse and perpetrating abuse where both parties in the relationship contribute. Claiming that we are worth more than this abuse is so important.
Absolutely Lee, well said. Claiming we are worth more than abuse is the only way out of the crazy abusive merry-go-round.
Lisa, the low self esteem of both men and women is a very fertile feeding ground for accepting less then what we innately know to be true love.
Yes exactly Carolien, I am just beginning to see a whole new level of accepting abuse in my life, and you are spot on, underneath it is a lack of self worth.
Jenny, I have recently come to see that even the lack of self-worth is an issue we allow ourselves to create. If we subscribe to an ideal picture and this picture then does not come true we create a hurt within ourselves. Ultimately we are all responsible for the choices we make, even the choice to separate from the divinity we are.
I hate to be a lone dissenting voice but it seems to me that many commenters hold a view that “comparison is evil”. Now, I know I am no intellectual but that seems a very simplistic and glib line. I can certainly accept that it would not be right to compare myself say, verbally abusing my wife each week, to the man (or woman) further up the street who may beat his wife daily and the conclude that I am a great husband. But equally, it doesn’t seem right to claim comparison as an evil. I will often remind myself to be grateful by comparing my life to the millions worse off around the world. It is a useful “tool” for life in general.
Am I being unreasonable to question your easy acceptance of this premise, paraphrased as comparison leads to compromise and is evil?
David, I completely agree with you. Comparison in itself is not good or evil. Comparison is simply a tool, but I would venture that more people use it in the way I have written about than using it in a true sense, as you have so aptly pointed out can be done, and thus why I wrote it from this angle. Had I the words, I perhaps would have written more – much more on this subject, for what I wrote about is not a topic that can so be easily captured so simply. But I wanted to make a point,one that was designed to stir the pot a little on purpose. Your comment has served to expand this topic to another level, which is great.
And I know a lot of people have quoted in isolation the line that “comparison leads to compromise…”. But herein lies the problem with taking words out of the context to which they belong. Those words belong to this piece of writing and this piece of writing only, and they were designed to be read as part of a whole, and not in separation. In that context, they remain relevant and in my opinion true, although read on their own they seem to be a statement of absolutes. Personally, I am wary of quotes from other people without seeing them in the context they were written for this very reason, for removed from their origin they can be interpreted to mean something else entirely.
David your point is a good one regarding the use of the term comparison, which Adam has answered beautifully below so no need to cover that ground. Another point however I felt when reading your response was that your example describes a scenario that can be the exact mechanism by which we accept a ‘lesser life’ – less than the divine one that is possible, because it is better than ‘the millions worse off around the world’. So whether it is seen then as a useful tool for life in general would depend where your benchmark lies. In that sense, accepting yourself in life as you are for this reason, would seem a compromise most definitely, and if it does in fact lead an otherwise Son of God to therefore live less than is his divine birthright, then it would also be considered (if we are bringing truth to words) to be evil.
There is no doubt the subtly of abuse that is considered a normal way of being and is not restricted to men and physical aggression or intellectual bullying, creates the slide into those more overt forms of abuse. Therefore, all forms of abuse needs to be addressed and thus why this conversation is extremely important. What is abuse? A belief, intent or act towards ourselves or another that does not honour the loving essence within us and the choice to bring it into all our expression. Yes this certainly presents a different way to live and yes we can see in the world how necessary – not desirable or preferable, but necessary, that this is.
Beautifully said Simon, you have nailed it… we are needing a whole new understanding of
not only what constitutes loving interaction, but also the fact we are inherently capable of it as a predominant way of being. So much of what is in truth unloving gets written off as ‘that’s just his personality’ or ‘that’s just the way she is…’, without sight of the fact we each have an essence that is love… and hence all know how to be loving at the end of the day. Not to diminish the many and varied horrific and not-so-horrific things most have gone through, when we forget that there’s still a truly loving being underneath all our scarring, we don’t call a person up to be that, regardless of past hurts and choices. That is the beauty of what Serge Benhayon does and has been doing for the past 15 years.
Absolutely Jenny, Simon has nailed it, as have you will your comment. It is simple really when we just come back to the simplicity of just being ourselves and living from that connection. I often bring back references to children and how they are naturally so loving with themselves and everyone around them as this denotes the truth of where we are from.
Yes great example Amina, children are far more inclined to be loving with themselves at a very young age… and the same applies to every person when they let go any protection, even for a few moments. The tenderness, sensitivity, care and love every human being is capable of is instantly there. Some more easily than others I realise, depending on the depth of hurt that is held, but for all it is there equally in the end.
Jenny I know I have certainly related to people from my hurts and not from my essense to theirs. This is a recipe for me being abusive to them -controlling, manipulative, angry, withholding etc. and for me allowing their abuse and not saying hey, this is not who you are, this abuse doesn’t belong in our lives.
Prior to meeting Serge Benhayon and feeling my own essence and beginning to discern and be honest about what is abuse and what is love, I let so much abuse in my life.
It’s worth wonderful reading these comments and blog to say no to the comfort of allowing abuse in my relationship with myself and with others.
Jenny, this is where I think a lot of women allow abuse because we tend to excuse our partner because we know they were stressed or overworked etc and we do not call it out for the abuse that it is. Is this because we don’t value ourselves enough that we would allow such behaviour to go on? If we were connected to the “truly loving being underneath all our scarring’ we would not react but could see the other as that and call them back to that place within themselves.
Yes Sandra, there is a not-so-fine line between understanding why someone is behaving in a way that’s abusive and allowing or excusing the abuse because we understand. Where l’ve got to is that if there is abuse, which by our definition is anything less than true love, then the question we have to ask ourselves is… ‘what do I get out of it, if I allow it (for whatever reason seems justifiable at the time)?’ The same applies back to ourselves of course as the ones perpetuating the abuse when we are not being love.
Hand in hand with the understanding of abuse is the ability to have abuse directed at you, and not have it be taken on or carried as a hurt. With such rampant abuse, there is such widespread hurt, and so in the path to remove abuse, we also have to resolve our hurts.
Well said Heather. Hurt is at the bottom of all abuse, whether it be the hurt of the perpetrator or of the receiver of the abuse. It takes one to have done the work to deal with the hurts to say ‘no’ to the abuser, while holding the understanding that brings true Love. This true Love is not some soft thing saying that the abuse is okay, or having any sympathy with the hurt abuser – it is reflecting the truth of our being and not engaging with, getting hooked by, or perpetuating the abuse in any way. Let us clear our hurts and light the way.
Yes absolutely true Heather, without resolving hurts, no manner of understanding will help us, we may take it personally and hence take it on.
An awesome definition here Simon of what abuse is. When we clearly see abuse as anything that is less than love we are called to step into the actions that constitute a loving way of being.
‘What is abuse? A belief, intent or act towards ourselves or another that does not honour the loving essence within us and the choice to bring it into all our expression.’ What you have said here goes way beyond any dictionary meaning Simon and is bringing about a greater understanding of the great ill from which our world is suffering.
I love that when you discuss abuse Simon that you mention the way we are towards ourselves as well as the way we are towards others. This intent or act towards ourselves that does not honour our loving essence is often much more tolerated as it is from ourselves. If we tolerate this from ourselves, then we are more likely to inflict in on others as it becomes the norm for us.
‘This intent or act towards ourselves that does not honour our loving essence is often much more tolerated as it is from ourselves. If we tolerate this from ourselves, then we are more likely to inflict in on others as it becomes the norm for us.’ …. equally, we are also going to tolerate it from others too as on some level, we have already accepted the behaviour.
I agree Lee. This is where we first need to address abusive behaviour – that which we inflict on ourselves when we turn away from the essence of who we are – always and only Love.
Self abuse comes in a myriad of ways, and the only path out of it is love.
“What is abuse? A belief, intent or act towards ourselves or another that does not honour the loving essence within us and the choice to bring it into all our expression”
Well said Simon. Especially important is that abuse is much more that a physical action, it includes our intention and our thoughts and beliefs. So not living who we truly are, which is love is abuse. Big Ouch!!
Very big Ouch, Jennifer. Nothing will change much in the abuse happening ‘out there’ in this world, until we each address the self abuse of not living who we truly are, and speaking out whenever abuse is seen. Big job, and thank God for Serge Benhayon for presenting how abuse really works, and for others like Adam, Simon and those commenting on these pages for raising the subject and its implications so clearly.
Yes great distinction Jennifer, abuse comes down to any deviation from true love, which is energetic and not in it’s perceived action. So hence, intention is everything… and regardless of our conscious thought intention, there is an underlying one which will either come from a truly loving impulse, or not. It is black and white, no grey or middle ground. Hence we are abusive, or we are not, in any given moment… period. All that differs is our (chosen) awareness of the fact.
Love what you have shared here Jennifer … What is not love… is ABUSE.. A great comment to stop us all in our tracks.
I agree Simon we need to come back to the fact that we are love and thus anything other than love is abuse to our body and our being. I wrote a blog on abuse a few years ago and felt to share it. http://truthaboutuniversalmedicine.com/2013/02/19/abuse-my-understanding-so-far/
Awesome Simon thank for taking the conversation deeper still – every tiny abuse builds upon the next and the next to start to cushion us from the effects and harm of more damaging abuse.
Well said Lee, it is very true. When we numb ourselves from tiny abuses on a daily basis, when the bigger abuse comes, we are far more likely to allow that too, feeling it’s impact but also excusing or rationalising it to be ok.
Aah yes Jenny the abuse literally walks all over us and it does not stop.
This is a whole new level of responsibility: admitting and getting honest about the fact that any deviation from respect, love and understanding is abuse and is part of the creation of forms of abuse that we nowadays identify as abuse. This has got to wake us up from the apathy that suggests we are powerless to make a change and that life is carrying on randomly at arms length from our choices.
I love how you have fleshed this out Simon. It is definitely a necessary change we all need to embrace in terms of how we live.
‘ the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged.’
Justifying our behaviour as ok in comparison to the extremes of others is pure evil and poison to our bodies. Deeply loving and accepting ourselves is key to reflecting love and supporting others to be love and accept no less than love in themselves and others.
An awesome exposure of the corruption that is inherent in comparison, the excuse to stay comfortable in what we are in, because we justify it by comparing with someone doing even slightly less well, therefore we must be doing ok, when in fact it is a deliberate intention to live less that honestly and understand where we are truly at and what are the choices we are making to be able to ignore the call from within to go deeper towards truth.
‘it is a deliberate intention to live less’ …. our society is set up for us to live ‘less’ of ourselves. If we are using evil as our measure, our marker, to confirm that we’re doing ok, where is the inspiration to be more? Why are we ignoring the ‘call from within to go deeper towards truth’? What are we settling for?
Thank you Adam for bringing the true harm of compromise and how it affects us all to live less than who we truly are and accept this. The harm and hurt to both ourselves and others from this way of living you have exposed and called simply and clearly to ponder and reflect on. Only by this can we make loving choices and live who we really are.
Comparison and comfort have allowed me to fool myself into thinking all was well in my relationships, yet there is no ‘well’ when we are choosing comfort, we are simply holding back our evolution.
Adam, your quote by Henry Thoreau is a brilliant conclusion to a brilliant blog “The greater part of what my neighbours call good, I believe in my Soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behaviour. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?” Much to ponder!
Super post that calls for us to deeply consider ‘abuse’ and ‘abuse in relationships’. Using comparison as a litmus test, wow yes we are, to benchmark how we are doing, which is really about measuring how much abuse we are administering, and how much we can get away with it. What is the opposite to loving?? Abusing … because after all we don’t abuse what we love. This would otherwise be absurd.
Thank you for this blog Adam, very powerful. From my own experience comparison has been the method of assessing myself and my behaviour because I had no true sense of who I was in my innermost, as without this connection there is no other way to gauge life. As I gradually build this inner connection, which is a connection to love, I can use it as a marker with which I can measure my own expression and that of others. However I find the long practiced habit of comparison with others to be very insidious, I am still comparing myself to others without realising it much of the time. Slowly though this is changing as I deepen my connection to myself, to love.
‘We have used the evil of comparison as the corrupt mechanism by which we gauge all of life’ Brilliant article Adam.
Adam what you have presented here is quite huge and could take several books to explore. Any withdrawing or holding back of love being expressed in a relationship is abuse. The subtleties of a person who is not outrightly abusive but who withdraws their love may be harder to see than the person who outrightly rages on another but it is equal to this same abuse. There is also much evil in ‘good’ as a good person may not speak up when evil occurs because they don’t want to offend however their silence is a manipulation that gives space for evil to have its playground. Good and truth are so very different from one another.
You explain it so well Kristy the stark and clear difference between good and truth to the point where it has been said that the highest form of evil can be found in the highest good. Good becomes the decoy for spreading the mud of deceit under the guise of spreading the truth lulling people further away from truth, leaving the good (silent or otherwise) person to be revered. There is nothing to be revered in the dilution of a person’s truth, and truth itself.
As a man I’ve recently had the blessing to watch and hear a dear friend of mine enjoying and establishing a new relationship with a woman. I’ve always been jealous of other people in relationships. This time I chose to feel the relationship, feel him, feel her and feel them together. And how much they enjoy being together, Very still, fragile, loving, playful and natural. It feels lovely, non imposing. I could feel them very well and for the first time I was aware how pleased I felt for my friend and her. Within myself I could feel that I actually miss that in my life and that there’s sadness. But, it doesn’t own me anymore (at least not at the level that it did before). I deeply appreciate my friend for allowing me and sharing with me his developing relationship. It is and has been a huge blessing.
It has been interesting for me too, Floris, to observe these beautiful relationships that are developing. It is also lovely to see how some long term relationships are changing and blossoming, it shows that anything is possible when we love ourselves enough to see that love reflected in another.
Yes Carmel, anything is possible. The relationships with friends and family are actually allready so much more honest and true. That is Truly remarkable. I’ve found that a true question ‘How are you?’ allows miracles too happen. What a wisdom people share. What a magical world, if we choose to see, hear and feel it. Thank you Carmel.
That feels beautiful Floris, you have expressed something that I have been experiencing with a friend lately, the way they are with each other feels equally for all of us. I also love what Carmel says here too, how lovely it is observing long term relationships blossoming and evolving, no settling for a comfortable existence but willing to explore and build love to deeper and deeper levels.
The comment by Henry Theroux in your last paragraph is great. I can see how controversial it was, as it leaves no one out, exposing everyone from the good, the bad and the ugly.
I agree Matthew, and perhaps the saying ‘the good, the bad and the ugly’ is actually showing us that all three things are perhaps the same.
I agree Matthew, great quote. Theroux also asks all readers to stand up with the same responsibility of allowing self-exposure, and self-inquiry, powerful.
Absolutely Matthew no one can escape the fact that we are all responsible.
Wow Adam truly a great blog that cuts to the heart of measuring up of love or should I say the love of in relationships. All to common we have seen and heard about what happens in relationships, it is only when situations are extreme something is done about them.
It seems we have wandered far from love when it takes an extreme behaviour to snap us out of an abusive relationship. Adam’s blog invites us to examine the quality of all our relationships extreme or not, to question those areas where we may settle for an agreement based on comfort and ease rather than on truth, tenderness, respect and complete appreciation. Learning to see true Love amidst all the arrangements, beliefs and ideals around relationships requires a very honest, open heart and a keen eye on the energetic quality behind all our actions and intentions. When both parties are open to this, we afford ourselves the grace to lift the quality of all relationships by exposing the subtle ways we abuse each other, both passive and aggressive that up until now we have passed off as ‘loving’ one another.
In a world where there are different versions of love, we need comparison to differentiate our relationships and how we relate to them. That is why we need it. Because there’s no truth that is consistent, we need to keep referring to what is already less than the truth of what we deserve as a starting point. From there, all choices are tainted by what didn’t work already. It makes it much more complicated than it needs to be.
An amazing revelation Adam of our not so comfortable arrangements and our acceptance of abuse and a false way of living and a call for us to be more – a call for us to bring our all for the all and to never settle on compromise, comparison and living less than who we are.
Wow- this is so needed – shining the light on ‘Comparison’. Who knew it was so active in our lives?! I have felt comparison come up recently, but you have supported me to realise that comparison is actually not real, but a tool: an outward perception, comparison and barometer of justifying what we are choosing. It seems we don’t want to ever ‘need’/or in better terms ‘want’ to change. What a horrible way to live if we take a macrocosmic look at things (and look at what we are all missing out on)- there is no harmony, true relationship or brotherhood therein.
My most long term relationship was based on comfort and on mutual tolerance, on arranging things so that we both had our needs met and never challenging the other. I knew this was not love but the relationship was so extraordinarily validated in our social circle and ticked so many ‘must have’ boxes, that I questioned and doubted my own genuine knowingness that this wasn’t right. Only when the prospect of marriage was raised did I once again connect fully to the feeling that we were in an arrangement and not powered by Love. I had already learned that I could not compromise the sanctity of marriage with an arrangement – so I ended the arrangement – much to the consternation of everybody else. People do not like it, and become very confused when you end a socially endorsed arrangement!
Been there also Coleen. When I ended a long-term relationship that wasn’t true, but ticked so many boxes that I realised many around me were clambering for in their lives, the boat was well and truly rocked. Some understood my choice though – but were then rocked at another level when I entered a relationship that did respect truth and what love could really be at a whole other level. My walking away from one relationship was ‘acceptable’ to a point, but stepping into another that held a true and great potential to smash even more walls down, was simply too much for many.
I realised then, that the comparison – and yes jealousy – arisen in ‘stepping it up’ can be the worst kind of all, especially when the previous relationship I’d walked away from was what many aspired to in the first place.
A fundamental part of our willingness to make the real deal of love and truth our ‘bottom line’ in life, rests in our ability to be open to the reflections of those around us who do expose the lovelessness and abuse we are living (but have chosen to be blind to) by virtue of the true grandness of their love on every level. Case in point: Serge and Miranda Benhayon. A constant awakener and ‘wow’ for both myself and my husband today…
I have to say I find the relationship of Mr and Mrs Benhayon an amazing reflection of true love, Victoria, as well as one or two true relationships I have seen 🙂
This is one of those blogs that makes you just really, stop. Gold and ground breaking, an articles for men and women’s magazines.
Definitely… I’ve still stopped and ready to read it again in another magazine!!
I agree Michelle at least it made me stop to ponder on where do I settle for less than love.
Comparison is our form of comfort to stay where we are looking outside of us to have a marker of where we stand in the line. I have been doing that and still my mind is trying to get me there. Claiming I am worth love is only possible when I connect to the love I feel inside and there is nothing that I can compare to this, knowing I am a divine being.
This a wake-up call blog. If you’re in an intimate relationship and sitting comfortable, look again at what your so called comfort is based on. True relationships founded on love, honesty and trust constantly evolve. They challenge too, especially when each person is fully themselves, open and expresses truth to the other. The moment we sit back and think ‘ this is it.’ we’ve already lost it and created an opening for abuse to seep in.
I agree Kehinde – Adam’s blog is definitely a huge wake-up call – the choice to do so is ours.
Thank you Adam, after reading this abuse, comparison and comfort are taken to a whole other level in terms of considering how this is playing out every day in life if we carry on living as we are, which is possibly why nothing really changes but actually in some areas gets worse as the markers move and what was considered really abusive a few years ago e.g. rape or self harm is now in some instances expected and has become ‘normal’ behaviours in some age groups. There is a lot to consider here.
Adam a powerful re-defining of abuse in relationships and the responsibility we have to look within first before resting on our laurels or pointing fingers. When relationships become a convenience and not based on love, we do ourselves and the other person a huge dis-service. We’re living a lie, and as you say, it’s a form of abuse simply because we accept less and become less. I felt this too ‘Comparison makes the world grey. It really does.
Thank you, Adam, for putting on the table the fact that a lot of our relationships are arrangements to stay in comfort and deny that we are so much more.
I am beginning to realise that anything that is not love, is in fact abuse and with this new found understanding no longer accepting anything less than love.
Saying it like that is so simple and true, Donna. It feels awful how we have downgraded and accepted less than Love and become used to that, because of comparison, and then we compromise. Yuk.
This is something I have recently come to understand too Donna. If something does not come from love it is abuse. It is quite a strong statement to make, and one that many people would resist, but it makes complete sense and explains a great deal.
This is SO huge and completely changes everything about the way in which we conduct our lives. There is no area left unturned, no choice, no action that this does not apply to.
Gorgeous Ariana – The Tenderness Experiment – count me in!
We could almost go so far as to say that comparison is the root of all evil, sorry money you don’t even come close because you by yourself are not evil but add a bit of comparison and your well on your way.
Very good point Kev. Jealousy and comparison are deadly emotions – things like money are just chess players in the game to turn humanity in on itself, and cause a cessation of brotherhood. That is why it is of utmost importance that we look at where jealousy plays out in our lives, as well as why we feel like we are not enough already and thus look at what others have and compare.
So it’s no wonder that the true harm of comparison and jealousy is not made clear amongst us and we have learnt to appear unaware as we do not want to take full responsibility for these and that instead we have settled for the focus on material things such as money as being the problem.
Absolutely kevmchardy, love what you say here about the root of evil – anything that separates what is naturally joined, unified or one. Comparison comes from such a separated or measured place, and it’s vital we learn to become honest with what ‘separation’ actually is – us not living fully, joined with our Soul.
This says it all ‘Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.’ It is strange how in the attempt to make ourselves more, comparison creeps in and we become less by our actions.
“And who is the great moral crusader to argue, when they have used the same barometer of comparison to measure the quality of their own life?” This is a great question and so true in life. I find I am less eager to expose a lie when I am running it and benefitting from it myself.
This blog is awesome as it exposes so much how we have settled for less than love, we can sing high or low but true love simply is or is not. There is nothing in between.
So true Lieke, we can justify all we like but the sad part is that we have chosen to settle for less than love, and have actually partaken in eluding to this truth.
This is huge if we really stopped and consider what is written here – ‘Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness. ‘ – When I look at my life I can still see pockets where I let things slide accepting less to what it can actually be. Making the conscious choice to be on it 24/7 is one that needs to be committed to every moment, not just some area’s of our lives. Hmm there is work to be done!
Thank you Adam for sharing your thoughts about comparison. I love following expression because that felt true to me: “Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness” – mmmmh that is something to further ponder on . . .
The corrupt mind of comparison … there will always be someone better off or worse than you so where does that lead us? Stagnant and comfortable with an existence we know is not it, not by a longshot!
I agree, Suzanne: comparison is a “get out of jail free” card for so many things: eat your dinner – they’re starving in Africa; appreciate your education – some don’t have the privilege; accept you relationship – it could be worse. Whilst there is some truth to all of these, blind adherence means that we never get to question more deeply and get to the feeling of what is the Truth of our situation – we are silenced by comparison. It implies, “Don’t question – others are worse off and so will you be if you continue to be so stroppy!!”
That is so true Coleen – we are silenced by comparison.
The strange thing about those good examples of comparison that are allowed to be lived by, Coleen, is that in the end we are worse off for continuing it unquestioned. It is abuse and it becomes an ill in the body if we continue to live in that way.
An integral point Coleen. For so often when we do actually live with truth as our reference – the truth that is known without question within – we are told that we are ‘too much’ and basically should not expose the lie/compromise we have been living. I can see this from early childhood in my own experience – truth was known and said literally from ‘the mouth of a babe’ and it was not liked, no, not at all…
Of course when one deepens one’s lived relationship with truth, it’s ripple effects will be felt and many won’t like it, due to their/our preference to stay just where we are, ‘thank-you very much’. Don’t you dare rock my boat and state out loud (whether verbally &/or via one’s choices in life) that I could actually not compromising myself in respect of truth – a truth I can feel all too well…
Whether there be forces that ‘seek to silence’ or not, is there truly any other way? I can’t see there being so, unless we want to stay in the abusive mess of relating and relationships that has dominated humanity since seemingly time immemorial.
That is the truth, Victoria: I have often heard the line, “You are just too much!” This is totally illogical for how can Truth actually be too much – it just is what it is – without any quantifiable ‘muchness.’ So, if it is not Truth that is too much, it must be the other that is holding itself as lesser ( by comparison, again) and so IT is exposed as being the issue in its self perceived lesser- ness – and not Truth, per se.
‘The corrupt mind of comparison’…. is not so intelligent after all. Well said Suzanne!
“Thus today, when we end up in the situation where we consider a relationship where both parties get on and tolerate each other’s differences, don’t argue or wage war on each other and are generally comfortable with each other, to be one that is not just acceptable… we consider it to “be” loving when by essence it falls well short of the forever expressive nature of what true love actually entails”. Wow, Adam, I love how you have called that out. I absolutely agree, when we make the claim that we think we are in a loving relationship from a point of view of comparison, then that is NOT a loving relationship that we have. We are just saying that compared to others, my relationship is loving. It may be a ‘good’ partnership in comparison to others, but that is not true love.
Absolutely Beverley. I would word it as: “it is not the Truth of Love” to live in such a way.
I have lived in a relationship where there was the deepest respect, decency and in many ways amazing support of one another, but the truth of love was not lived – rather, the relationship (that many would aspire to, and that brought up jealousy for many due to how caring we were for each other, our level of communication, plus could have a lot of fun!) actually fostered an environment where it was ok for us both to hide from the world rather than participate fully ‘in it’.
It’s important that we move beyond what seem to be just the fundamentals of living in a ‘loving way’ with each other, to consider how our way of being and relationship actually relates beyond the relationship itself. For our compromise is not only in the one-on-one, it is far bigger than that – and we distract, hide and cause our ceaseless dramas in the one-on-one in order to avoid living a life of true responsibility, a life that is actually not about having individual needs met at all, but rather considerate of the all.
I find it interesting to consider the acquiescence of quiet unassuming behaviour. I have been many times in the situation in a relationship (friendship, partner) where I have said I don’t mind when if I were to delve a little deeper with my feelings I would recognise that I do mind. So this by the more considerate measure is abusive for it must bring up emotions in me to suppress my natural feelings. And these emotions will always come out in one situation or the next. There is a lot to see about our relationships and arrangements when we are willing to open our eyes and take in the whole picture.
I agree Stephen, whenever I’ve used the words ‘I don’t mind’ or I’m fine, I would say 98% of the time I’m actually feeling the exact opposite, but I’m choosing not to share how I truly feel. The words are used to lure the other person away from questioning anymore, so I can stay hidden in my box. I suspect I have purposely chosen to have relationships with people who are happy to accept ‘I don’t mind’ and ‘fine’ as they too are quite comfortable not to delve too deeply into what lies below the surface.
Yes, Stephen- I have found an irascibility emerging from me at times when partners have given me the, ” I don’t mind – what do you think?” line. I always felt that such docility was giving away their power and trying to make me responsible for their choices – which I most certainly am not! Best to express ourselves at all times, I find – much more honest 🙂
Yes Coleen, I have been on both ends of the “I don’t mind” game, and it is a reflection of an inability to commit to life and making purposeful choices. I can remember many a stand off with one of my close friends as we could never decide on anything as we both said we didn’t mind. Quite comical in some ways but in others ways actually quite abusive.
Hmmm, so, when we say things like “it’s ok, I don’t mind” or “it doesnt matter” when someone does something that is less than supportive or loving towards us, we are actually condoning and contributing to abuse. We are, as you say Stephen G, suppressing our natural feelings, accepting less and making ourselves less, and more likely to have that behaviour directed towards us again. I have done this and had this happen many times too. I have been learning that if I do mind, and know it does matter, it is more loving, truthful and empowering to honestly say so, thereby breaking the subtle abuses I have tolerated in order to fit in, be accepted, not rock the boat.
“Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness. Comparison makes the world grey. Edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity”.
What you have written here Adam strikes such a chord with me, with comparison being the key; such an evil energy! I have much to ponder on this very powerful and insightful blog; thank you.
I have seen how my definition of gentleness has changed over time. I can relate that to my definition of abuse and how whatever is my current reality becomes my normalised level of abuse. What Universal medicine has constantly done is present the fullness of what love actually is. This shines a light on where we have settled for compromise and comfort. Knowing there is always more to evolve to and develop in relationships has supported me to not get so settled into my comfortable plateaus.
Self perception of our own behaviours is based upon what is the norm in one’s life. Someone could say that this is how their father and mother lived or how a country perceives is the ‘right’ way to treat each other based on cultural values, when in fact it is a set up from the beginning and far from a balanced way to view each other. There is also that added view that if you are not physically hurting someone then it is ok, another great false self perceived idea.
Mathew absolutely no matter how extreme our behaviours are we often consider them normal provided we have people that are more extreme than us. It’s only when we have someone and a group of people living absolute truth can we truly have a reflection of where we are. It shows how we are each responsible not only for the love we are in all our relationships but also then the reflection to all others on what true relationships are rather than the many comparisons we can easily make to subtle or extreme abuse. The moment we compare and justify its too late.
Wow Adam, a very powerfully written blog on a topic that touches each and everyone of us. ‘Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness. Comparison makes the world grey. Edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity.’ Amen!
A great line from Thoreau Adam, ….”What demon possessed me that I behave so well?” I will look at ‘good’ in a very different light now, thanks Adam
Yes alison, Adam has certainly got behind our attachments to our ideals of “good” and given them a good shake-up. This blog provides so much to ponder on.
Thank you Adam and Alison, absolutely, abandonment about what good attributes bring to our evolution definitely needs to be considered or ‘looked at’. Good also may provide a place where any real truth and thus true good is hidden behind any misleading agenda in the name of good. Being true and real with values that can be seen as a lived wisdom from the love that comes from the inner heart, to me this is a lived connection that feels like true good!
“Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.” So true Adam, as human being we often feel comfortable if we have something or someone out there that we judge and compare to as worse than what we are engaged in as a way to compromise and accept the evil in our own lives.
Wow Adam, thank you for exposing so clearly the absolute evil of comparison – “Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness. “. When we choose comparison we are indeed choosing to live in a world of shadows, where our truth is whatever we make it – not a constant, steady undeniable foundation, but something vague and ever-shifting, a suitable truth, a comforting truth which in fact is no truth at all.
‘..a suitable truth, a comforting truth which in fact is no truth at all.’
Ouch! Well said Hannah.
Truth is can never be for self, it is always in service of the all equally. There is no personal gain, comfort or suitability, like you have so aptly stated Hannah.
Absolutely Rachael, ‘…truth can never be for the self, it is always in service of the all equally’ – throws the whole “my truth”/”your truth” game out the window doesn’t it!
Hannah and Rachael I agree fully with both of you… Truth is constant and always unifying, bringing all equally to a higher point and leaving no one less.
Incredible article Adam Warburton. You have had me pondering on behaviours that are not considered to be abusive but, in fact, are. Such as, not speaking to ones partner for weeks at a time, yet being perfectly friendly to others. Probably considered as not much on the ‘comparison’ scale, but abuse nevertheless.
Yes – that cold shoulder / ostracism treatment is definitely abusive, Jeanette – to the giver and the receiver – it’s horrible! We would never see the Sun saying, ” I’m not shining on you today because you’ve miffed me. I’ll shine for everyone else, but not for you because I want you to suffer the loss of my presence.” It could never happen … nor should it happen between people.
I had to have a little chuckle at your expression Coleen – but very clear is the message.
Thank you.
That is an awesome picture you have painted Coleen, when put like that even the ‘smallest’ abuse becomes very exposed.
True Jeanette and we think that what we are putting out and being in one setting is in isolation to another yet all that we are living, saying yes to and perpetuating is with us in every interaction with every person we encounter and in every moment. It sure puts the onus on being responsible and doing no harm.
Even allowing another to abuse us is a form of abuse. If we don’t stand firm and call out what energy is coming at us, and say no to that, then we are accepting it and giving permission to continue and escalate, and that energy is harming the abuser as much as it is harming ourselves and others.
Yes, we have many “no’s” to express as a humanity to arrest in full the abuse on all levels that we have currently in society, Annie.
This blog has me pondering ‘comprise” – and there feels to be many layers which all lead to the same place and that is to accept something that is not truth. This brings up responsibility to know oneself, to know deeply everything within, to have exposed all the lies one has lived and to know and have connected to the love we are. To question – do I know the love that I am? Do I believe and claim the Love that I am? Am I living this Love every moment? Without this as our foundation – how are we to expose compromise, comparison, and the subtle hook of normalcy? What is it about accepting less that works for us? So many questions Adam – Thank you.
I still compare a lot. But at the same time I also feel that the only time that I feel light and loving is when I love and adore myself. The times, moments that I choose this are full of freedom and feel amazing. Why not choosing to be Awesome when I feel I am. I actually have to use a lot of will power to push my love under the carpet and start comparing. And of course I will compare when I don’t feel my own Amazingness and Love. Because I’m missing myself and so I will look for something outside of me that would bring me, me. Which has never happened and will never happen. It is only by accepting that I disconnected from me that gives me the choice and possibility to reconnect to my preciousness within.
Wouldn’t it be awesome to just chose to stay connected! As we know and have seen many people actually do this and I have watched them intently for many many years and their lives are AMAZING and they are INCREDIBLE but they have something in common with all of us, they are exactly the same as us they just chose to be connected all of the time.
Beautifully put Vanessa. There is no difference in essence between those who choose to be connected to their awesome amazingness and those who choose far less than this. That’s amazing. We are all equal Sons of God and have the choice to live this always.
YES Vanessa, this would we awesome. And I can feel I’m on my way. For me it feels as a development. What I am learning at the moment to really give myself the space and grace to unfold my own life, guided by my own Soul. That I don’t have to live somebody else’s life or accomplish the life that I look up to. This is very new for me, to let go of taking responsibility of others, of choosing control and manipulation rather then just Love. How amazing would life be if this would be a common truth, the new normal of the world. But I can see now that for contributing towards the Oneness, I have to truly be at one with myself and the ones around me.
Yes Vanessa, it would be awesome to just choose to stay connected… and uncovering the secret and not-so-secret resistance to that choosing is part of the unfoldment as it makes no sense and yet we still resist.. But the good news is it is all inside and we don’t have to get anything from anywhere, we are already whole and complete and full – we just have to let what is within out.
It is interesting Floris that we compare the instant we miss ourselves. Connection to ourselves is simply it.
“Connection to ourselves is simply it.”. Wow, if I really let this in, there’s a lot – A LOT – shared in these 6 words. Where ever we go, whatever we do, however people interact with us, connection to ourselves is simply it. Connection to ourselves is simply IT. Life is about that connection first and then for others. Where as a society we’ve tried and still try to do it the other way around. Make it about people first and then ourselves. Which is an utter lie. Because it’s saying that we do not count ourselves. Others count more than we do. Where when we truly connect with ourselves, we feel constantly vital and joyous and naturally feel impulsed to connect and share with other people. So very different. Connection to ourselves is simply it.
I completely agree with what you have written Adam and also note that we are in relationship with everyone, with nature and with ourselves – so what you say applies everywhere. Also the more loving we become with ourselves the more clearly and loudly what is not love (and which therefore is by definition abuse) stands out.
Thanks to Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon I have come to a deeper and more honest understanding of what abuse actually is. I have come to experience that abuse has many faces and that what we call abuse in our society, is just the surface. Abuse is everything that is not love, that is not from the heart. Anything less than love, is abuse.
I agree Mariette, abuse is anything less than love and often the false beliefs that we hold about love brings even greater abuse. We have to come to a true understanding of what love actually is and not what we have subscribed to. Religious wars for example are supposedly fought because of a love of one’s religion! The way we behave towards ourselves is often not loving and therefore abusive. The level of abuse towards ourselves can range from having negative thoughts about ourselves to drug taking and self-harm. The fact of the matter is that it does not matter where we are on the scale of abuse it is still all abuse. The more honest we get about this the quicker we will see abuse and deal with it.
Rather than comparing ourselves and our lives to another, if we were to compare our lives to the truth of love we would find a great deal is not loving – this is a marker well worth considering.
Correct Paula and we would find that the only way to truly get to know ourselves is to actively make loving choices and build upon them, feeling from the inside what they are for each of us.
Well said Paula. Comparison breeds inequality and feeds a superior and inferior mentality that entraps us into only breeding more inequality. It’s rather a mess really.
Comparison supports the arrogance of irresponsibility. When we compare ourselves to another we can justify where we’re at, thinking we’re ok, and then we can avoid taking a look at what is truly going on in our own lives.
Adam there is so much in what you write here and it is of such great importance that I feel I could write a book in response rather than a comment. Firstly let me agree that mathematically, scientifically, energetically and in all ways that count anything less than love is abuse. Secondly love is not what most of us think it is. True love is a quality of the Soul and defined here: http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia/word-index/unimedpedia-love.html at Unimedepdia Love. Thirdly it is never about perfection and we are constantly expanding as is the Universe therefore it not about judging ourselves as in human form it is close to impossible to 100% of the time express in pure love. However it is incumbent on us to at the very least be honest, aware and take responsibility for our expression and actions as we develop back to the pure love that we came from and are at essence.
Beautiful comment Nicola. It is so important to have a true example and definition of True Love, because it acts like a compass that we can navigate our behaviours by. If we only have a barometer based on differing levels of abuse, we will never find our way out of the problem. Introducing a new marker, True Love allows us the opportunity to make different choices based on appreciation, respect, care, tenderness and honesty, which all lead us to re-connecting with and expressing Love. This is not a case of being hard or judgmental on ourselves or another, because that is simply going back to the Abuse barometer again. True Love has endless patience and is extremely observant, it never ever tolerates abuse in any form but always holds out an encouraging hand to support us to return to this most glorious of expressions that resides within us all.
Very well said Rowena – it is truly important and empowering to know and experience true love which is not what we think it is at all and does not contain one ounce of emotion. As the opening paragraph of Unimedpedia Love states: “Love has to be one of the most misused and bastardised words around.”
Thank you Nicole for posting that link as it is hugely important that we start to understand what true love really is. Without this understanding we are caught in ideals and beliefs that inevitably lead to comparison and ill-realationships no matter how good they may look on the outside. True love as I have come to understand through the teachings of Serge Benhayon is nothing like what we were thought from the world around us.
I completely agree Carolien – it is hugely important that we understand and reclaim the true meaning of words which is what Unimedpedia: http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia is all about. For example in the case of love if we knew just how much this emotional imposter that was claiming to be love was harming us and those we care about we would rightly be devastated.
Adam you blog is inspiring and highlights something that so often goes unnoticed or pushed aside and accepted as ‘just something that happens’. This sentence beautifully questions whether this is actually ok: “As human beings we like to look out at all that we consider as evil in society, and so long as our life compares well to such darkness, we do not question whether or not what we have is actually true.” And of course, it is not ok to accept anything less than truth, but so many of us do it. But at whose expense? Well everyones, because the abused gets hurt, the abuser never gets to know that they are doing the hurting, and those around both individuals are affected by the consequences of the accepting of such behaviour. Definitely a time to stop, and start feeling what is truth and what is not, and not accepting what is not.
Sandra I so agree that if we do not express what is not love those who are abusing aren’t given the opportunity to reflect and make loving choices for themselves and others. If someone is allowing abusive energy in their bodies then they are also abusing themselves. I don’t often hear this acknowledged in society in general. It is time we all came together and treated ourselves and one another with respect – and yes I can certainly heed my own words!
I feel what you have written here Adam is very true, we have accepted abuse by comparing ourselves with those that live with a greater from of abuse, we have abandoned what feels right for what is accepted in society. One area I have heard many men justify this comparison to a low standard is with their own father. “I don’t drink as much as him”, “I don’t yell as much as he did”, “I help out around the home where my father never lifted a finger”, I have even heard men justify child abuse with “my father taught me discipline by hitting me and I turned out okay” We can and have to do so much better than this as a society, we cant leave it up to social services fighting against a culture of abuse, we must change the culture by speaking out against any abuse whatsoever.
I have lived the reality of abusive relationships – with others and with myself. I have to admit that I’ve used abuse as a condition with which to justify a version of success for me(sick as that might sound) even though at the time I was lost in what I called suffering.
I listened to a radio discussion yesterday about domestic violence (DV) that discussed – the bandaid approach of AVO’s (apprehended violence orders) that simply isn’t working, the dilemma of action vs inaction on behalf of victims, suggestions to vary the parameters of what DV is and the problems in identifying it (physical violence excepted) and much more on what is an incredibly complicated issue. It was clear that the experts in the field had a sense that abuse boils down to responsibility for what we accept or create and that no one can fix the problem from the outside and the attempts to do so will always be in vain.
Wow Helen that is pretty real for us all to hear – that abuse really is about responsibility first. Like you – I have lived abusive relationships with others and myself but without a doubt it started with myself first. So what is our role in then allowing other people to treat us with abuse too because then it keeps everything comfortable and means we don’t have to change the way we treat ourselves. Now I know hundreds of people who do not allow any abuse, and it has asked me to be honest about the relationship with myself and make loving changes that honour who I am. We can all be an inspiration to one another.
Thank you hvmorden for expanding on this point, so when we allow self abuse, we are already saying to others that we are accepting of abuse. We have started the pattern of abuse for ourselves, paving the way for others to follow. To stop this, it feels like this can only be true when we commit to no longer allowing any self abuse.
Have to agree here with you all – the amount of abuse we say yes to is dictated by the amount of abuse we treat ourselves with. This essentially turns the whole world upside down for the responsibility is ultimately with the individual first to say No.
Hi Helen, what you have shared here is what I am beginning to see more and more. No matter how many frameworks, legislations and polices are put into place to make things ‘better’ nothing will truly change until we are honest and willing to get really underneath all of what is going on. I feel that then and only then can we start to slowly build a solid foundation from which abuse has no hold. What Serge Behayon and Universal Medicine bring, teach and present is what the world is crying out for.
Yes Vicky so very true – and the organisations/powers that be which are charged with trying to find solutions know that nothing is working, which is in fact the first step in the right direction.
It’s awesome what you are sharing here, Helen, very healing. What we allow in our relationships is what will continue.
This is huge Helen, if we all start to accept that there is no such thing as innocent victims, that we all play a role in every situation we are in, only then can we start to truly address the root causes of this big ill in our societies.
Thank you Adam for shining the light on compromise to see how we have accepted this lesser way of being than the love we are. I also find it interesting that we use evil as a marker and that we do not use love. It highlights how far away we are from our divine origins to not use this as our marker of truth.
I agree Marcia, ‘Thank you Adam for shining the light on compromise to see how we have accepted this lesser way of being than the love we are.’ I can feel that because we look around and see that most people are not living full, vital, loving lives that we just accept this as normal, so we compromise on our love and our truth, how awful and sad, it is almost like a collective agreement to be less.
Great point Marcia, that we use evil as a marker and not love – what a devastating revelation. In fact most of us are so far away from their divine origins that they have totally forgotten about that fact.
“I also find it interesting that we use evil as a marker and that we do not use love. It highlights how far away we are from our divine origins to not use this as our marker of truth.” Awesome comment Marcia. It shows how messed up the world really is. Very exposing.
I agree Lucy – a bit like some folk seeing the old proverbial ‘glass half empty as compared with the glass half full’ – it feels like it is a matter of awareness and choice. It seems like we do have a choice, and to to be able to take the blinkers off and see that there is indeed another way, and perhaps to see Love as the marker of Truth feels very real to me.
Totally agree with all these comments about settling for less and using evil as a marker, rather than love. It’s exposing how we are choosing to stay safe rather than looking for inspiration to expand and evolve. As long as we are looking down and feeling good about ourselves for being above the bottom, we aren’t looking up and choosing evolution.
Love this Alison “As long as we are looking down and feeling good about ourselves for being above the bottom, we aren’t looking up and choosing evolution.” You have clearly shown how it is a simple choice to look down or to look up. Allowing and accepting inspiration will eventually result in us all turning our faces to the sun.
absolutely Marcia, to live from the marker of Love means to admit that are choosing to not live this every day, and to be deliberately living away from that Truth. therefore we must choose something else as a marker which can allow us to continue to live in the ignorance of the truth.
I can see how truly powerful love in its reflection is – in a practical sense it could walking down the street, driving the car, or at work interacting with others. Living the divinity of who we are in our everyday lives is an offering that says – “this is who you are”. It’s the marker of love for all.
Gosh that’s a revelatory truth. “We use evil as a marker and that we do not use love.” We live so inside out, back to front and upside down! You are right Marica, “it highlights how far away we are from our divine origins to not use this as our marker of truth.”
Wow great point Marcia “I also find it interesting that we use evil as a marker and that we do not use love. It highlights how far away we are from our divine origins to not use this as our marker of truth.” It is interesting how we compare to stay engrained and stagnant, rather than live as a society that continues its growth in love.
When we choose to live less than Love, we are not only being abusive to ourselves but also to those around us.
Well said, Peter, and the less love we are living from our body allows more space for us to fill ourselves with everything and anything that is less than love, taking us further away from our naturally joyful and loving selves.
absolutely Peter, as Adam already said it is a controversial thought at first but once we are willing to openly examine it it makes total sense: anything that is less then love is abusive.
I agree Carolien it is controversial – but I feel I can no longer hold back what for me is a truth. As we all allow ourselves the privilege of claiming our truth in a way that is loving and respectful, we are offering the world an opportunity to feel the sense of Peter’s words and to begin the path back to true love, letting go of all that is abusive and harming.
Its true – having a scale of what is tolerable or passable is a dangerous thing. Once we take a step towards ‘that will do’ we are on a slippery slope. And what will stop us – where is the point that we ask how did we get to here?
I think we get caught in the ‘that will do’ mind set because we are scared of being alone. Ironically there is nothing lonelier than being in a relationship that is abusive, so we “put up with things” but in turn create the loneliest situation of all, which is lack of intimacy within relationships.
The majority of us have times that we behave badly and if we start drawing the line each time someone else behaviours badly towards us then that brings much more self responsibility, as you can only renounce in another what you are willing to renounce in yourself, to me that is the truth behind why we avoid these things….
In answer to your question Adam, how do we know? To know whether what we live is love we need only not deny or bury the messages from the one real marker of truth and love that we have – our body – it tells us continuously surely and truly what is love and what is not. The further question is are we honest about the truth that is always there and not override it with the scenarios, stories and numbing devices that keep us locked into comparing, conceding and getting by?
Mmm big questions Helen. For me I can see where I choose to override the most is when it comes to getting by and ticking off the list of things to do in a day, week, month, year.
An incredible powerful blog Adam, and I agree this is a provocative statement – ‘In short, this blog was asking us to consider that anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people should be seen as abusive.’ – I would also say it is a revolutionary statement and one that would change the world if the enormity of this was understood and adhered to.
Wow Adam you have shown us how insidious abuse can be in a relationship and that we think this type of abuse is ok because others are much worse off. We need to develop a deeper understanding as to what abuse is which is what your blog does Adam, then we have the opportunity to stop and feel what this is for us and replace this with more of the fiery love that we all naturally are.
Very well said Marika, this tendency towards comparing to things worse than what we have or are doing is creating snowballing effect of abuse and lower expectations of everything – from health to relationships etc
I have had a rather narrow view of comparison, seeing it solely as a precursor to the pure evil that is jealousy and the awful consequences that occur when this jealousy is expressed. When I read your words Adam I see just how destructive and far reaching the lie of comparison is. We use it as a justification to accept less and ultimately it allows us to deny our own divinity.
Thank you Adam. What powerful writing! … “how do we know we have found a relationship of love, and not just one of mutual convenience that serves to keep us blind to the true nature of our own existence?” wow this would leave many, MANY people contemplating the intentions within relationship and what it has been built on. Your blog exposes so many levels of abuse and what we (men and women) are willing to tolerate to keep the ‘good’ o’l peace! The more I see ‘good’ in the world I realise it is not necessarily True or the right thing to be doing. We as a human race need to go deeper and truly feel what is needed… for a person, business, governments and even countries, before we wave the ‘Good’ Will flag and champion poison back into society.
We can use comparison in so many different ways to not take responsibility for the ways that we are not living in a loving way with ourselves or others.
So what you are saying here Adam is we all have this comparison meter to measure against something so it makes us look like we are doing ok. Your relationship sucks but at least he doesn’t hit you. He comes home drunk everyday but at least he doesn’t hit you.
In the indian culture alcohol is huge and I have observed it my whole life and the abuse that indian women are expected to put up with is something you will never get your head round. Its become the normal and it is not ever discussed, disputed or challenged in anyway. It is simply accepted and that is it. If you dare did stand up and call it abuse you would get that ‘comparison meter’ from others saying ‘but at least he doesn’t hit you’.
This may sound ugly but it is true and I am a living witness of this. I have been through it myself and also been around this long enough now to see it is still going on.
Nothing has changed other than its got worse.
We need to wake up and realise it is NOT acceptable – anything that is not the TRUTH is abuse – full stop.
It was only AFTER meeting Serge Benhayon that I got to truly understand how anything, absolutely anything that is not the Truth is abuse.
Truth is Love and Love is God. We all deserve Truth in our life and its time we said No to any form of abuse.
Well said Bina. You’ve reminded me of what I used to hear from older women in my family growing up about verbal and physical abusive men in their life. The comments would be ‘at least they don’t go out drinking all night’, and they ‘don’t do xyz’ and ‘they are not as bad as so and so’ and the all time favourite was ‘he works really hard’.
And when the abuse got really bad, the comparison levels needed to be upped to a more extreme setting so it could be accepted and lived with once again. Oh my gosh, this is ludicrous feeling this in my body! I used to look at these women and think to myself I will never ever allow that, and yes I haven’t to the same degree but I have in more subtle ways. This is huge when we consider how many children who know they are love and from love, are being coerced in the same way into making this okay.
Well said Aimee. The impact upon children is enormous – for the compromise that we see lived around us as children erodes our connection to truth, unless we have a very, very strong foundation in it indeed.
Bina, what you’ve shared here is clearly not only ground-breaking for the Indian culture, but far beyond… Please blog this!
Those who say a categorical ‘no’ to abusive behaviour are deeply needed, inclusive of conversations such as here on this blog. The verbal abuse I copped growing up was tolerated by a whole neighbourhood who got to hear it (with regularity) – to me, this was far more harmful than physically ‘being hit’ as you say, for it sought to dismantle and undermine the strength of truth that was held and spoken in every which way it could. And responsibility was never truly taken for the harm.
We have to ask, to what point have we allowed ourselves to drop to, that we don’t call each other to account? Our silence and inaction through fear and yes, willing compromise, serves no-one.
“The greater part of what my neighbours call good, I believe in my Soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behaviour. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?”
I love reading these words, I love how they ask me to stop and deeply consider what is being expressed here. It feels like Thoreau could clearly see that so much of the ‘goodness’ in his society was facade and not coming from a place of truth, more, a need to be seen to be doing good, to fulfill a need from self. He also chose to leave himself for this falseness on occasion and deeply regretted doing so.
This is a blog full of truths Adam, with lots of things to ponder on. I can feel the awfulness of how you say..’ the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged.’ Comparison can make us think we are doing ok in relation to others when instead we are light years away from where we could be. It’s to make us feel more comfortable in our uncomfortable lives, and then we don’t need to feel it.
‘Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.’ This statement is so impactful, It’s actually quite shocking to feel the truth in what you are sharing. It’s hard and very uncomfortable to acknowledge, let alone accept, that my relationships fall short of where they could be. However, it’s wonderful to have the opportunity to adjust my perspective. I’m aiming for the stars, no more mediocrity
Thank you Adam for this clear and power-packed blog. There is much to ponder upon in every paragraph.
How easy it is to be in arrogance and self righteousness of measuring and comparing the supposed ‘better life’ against the external evil and not see we have our own inner darkness to explore . Questioning what is actually true offers the way to come back to Love in full.
“As human beings we like to look out at all that we consider as evil in society, and so long as our life compares well to such darkness, we do not question whether or not what we have is actually true”.
‘the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged.’ Revelatory Adam. In between the extremes we have ‘the norm’ and this is where abuse becomes ill-defined. Comparing ourselves to our neighbours is a powerful wake-up call – if I am doing something less extreme than another then I can compare myself favourably to this and consider my behaviour to not be abuse. This doesn’t mean it isn’t, it is just a less extreme version of it.
Comparison leading to the compromise of how we life less than who we truly are and the acceptance of this is the way we currently live in this world and this article exposes this simply and clearly thank you. Brilliant.
Thank you for exposing this pervasive, yet deeply hidden, part of our lives, Adam. Comparison is one of the most crippling games that we engage in, and we use it as a way to make all of us less than who we truly are. Our truth is much greater than what we settle for, and much greater than the old line of ‘at least I’m not like them, so that must mean I’m ok’. This line of limitation can only foster a continual lowering of acceptable expression, where we end up comparing ourselves to the lowest common denominator as a measure of our success, and as long as we don’t hit rock bottom we think that we are doing ok.
But our fullness and our true divine nature are far, far beyond that. And while comparison in the other direction, and looking for perfection in what we do, can be just as damaging, there is the power that inspiration brings, which lifts us up, and brings a level of freedom of expression untrammelled by the constraints of comparing ourselves to another.
The commitment to never let our relationships fall short of true love is something that I am learning from the living example of Serge Benhayon. What is more important in life than this? Thank you, Adam, for this invaluable study of human nature.
So in fact we abuse each other nearly all of the time. That is good to realize and gives a strong weight into the scale when I choose how to express. Will I hold back or give my all? Is ‘not so bad’ enough for me – Or is the only way to be love and this is my guideline? Will I abuse myself and others – or honor?
I feel we know this, we know when a relationship is not being truly supportive or evolving, or if we or another are being manipulatituve or controlling, if we are in abuse or abusing another. But are we willing to really see this and admit it? And if not, why? We do not want to feel the pain, hurt, anger, bitterness, jealousy and comparison we have been living in? To heal this we must get underneath it, be willing to go there. From attending courses held by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine and from my experience; I have felt and seen it is actually far easier and quicker to do this (admit and be willing to go there, feel the pain hurt etc. in order to let it go) than instead of holding on to this making ‘it’ about our life instead of Love.
A very powerful blog, Adam, to expose the many subtle levels of abuse in our living together as humans by completely turnaround the common measure of what abuse is. Because deep within we all feel that being less than truly loving in any relationship, (ahead being with yourself), is abuse, the comparison and measurement, is used as justification for what ever behavior, less than true love, occurs. You are so right to set the “new normal” on the other end of the scale! So the orientation can be one up and not down during the (long) way of exposing all the levels of abusive behavior in one’s own life. So true, what I once have thought to be loving, I now know to be abusive and not loving and I am sure this will continue for another while being continuously exposed. But because I know then, that I am living and loving less, than I could live and love, these are uncomfortable moments worth to let go. If we change from comparison and self-justification to something worse into the orientation to the own loving inner-essence it is a self-empowerment worth to dare!
Comparison is a comfort so as to not take responsibility for ourselves or take action on what we know to be true.
And a way to keep you down and not move to the next point of evolution.
Agree gylrae, it allows us to believe that because we can find a ‘better than’ there is no need to look more truthfully, take any responsibility or make changes – In which case, comparison gets in the way of evolution.
You are using the word Comfort in its true meaning Gyl as so beautifully described here at Unimedepdia Comfort: http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia/word-index/unimedpedia-comfort.html – it is interesting to note how the common usage of this word does not take into account how deeply harmful it is.
Nicola here’s my definition of the word ‘comfort’ as felt from my own experience.
Comfort- the use of an over sized fury doona to bring about the slow and mild suffocation of a persons true light whilst eating chocolate in front of the telly.
Hi Alexis, I used to like custard and icecream! At its simplest I would say Comfort is the choice to express anything other than love in the true meaning of the word. Love is another word defined by Unimedpedia here: http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia/word-index/unimedpedia-love.html
I have seen and been in many relationships that have been abusive, with and without a hand being raised. Abuse as you say comes in all forms, from the way someone is spoken to, the tone of voice, a movement, bullying, emotional tirade, they way people speak about one another, how we are manipulated or manipulate, stay silent or argue daily. All of this is destroying lives across the world, not only of those in relationship but of family too. Children grow up seeing this as an accepted and normal way to live and on the cycle of abuse continues as on the outside they have no reflection of true relationship or love, or know no other way, yet deep down inside we all know there is. Thank God for Serge Benhayon showing us there is a very natural way to live and be in relationship, one in absolute trust, truth, love, joy and harmony, the complete opposite to the abuse we experience or see on a daily basis.
A very revealing blog Adam. “the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged. As human beings we like to look out at all that we consider as evil in society, and so long as our life compares well to such darkness, we do not question whether or not what we have is actually true.” This is the ‘I’m alright Jack’ attitude when we compare ourselves or our life to what we believe is worse. When we fool ourselves that what we have, or what we are is good we are missing out on being so much more, to be being true.
The expression of someone living in their own little world is vary applicable in your description of what we have accepted as normal. Are we not living in a Walther Mitty world when we except the world for how We like it to be? How much does comparison rule our lives? Living in our bubble will always allow us to think we are better and to perpetuate our illusion of life. Until we step out of what we have built as normal, experience and be love only then will we see the world for what it truly is.
Yes it is very crazy that this is how we see life and even now a days cancer has become the normal to a degree that it comes down to the age of when you are getting it that is the compared value of you are doing ok. Is doing ok where it is truly at? For me it used to be until I attended Serge Benhayon’s teachings of the Ageless Wisdom and here I was presented a completely different way of living. Choosing to be self-loving and allowing and accepting the extraordinary Love that we are has definitely changed my views on what is normal. Today I live with much Joy, Vitality and Lust for life than I ever knew were possible. I am forever appreciative and thankful to Serge Benhayon for reflecting so openly that there is another way. The Way of the Livingness.
‘The man who yells at his wife but does not hit her does not consider himself to be abusive by comparison.’ This is a valid point and can apply everywhere, even to friends who argue. A proper look at the meanings of comparison and abuse are long overdue.
This is a powerful article that brings to light the degree to which we have allowed abuse to be ok. It is not. Simple as that. Anything less than Love is abuse. Let’s stop settling for less.
A thought provoking blog indeed Joel! Interesting that by comparing an abusive relationship to one more subtle, it may not become exposed that the relationship is still not one based on love. Only when we connect to our inner heart can the truth be felt in the relationship.
Awesome, Adam! Although you are ‘gentle’ on the reader, I feel that the vast majority of all relationships between humans on Earth are abusive in one way or another, sometimes very, very subtly but just as powerfully. When I was growing up I experienced a family in which there had been 2 or 3 generations of physical abuse of wives by husbands (fuelled by alcohol and the hurts of war that were being numbed by the drink). Observing this, I vowed to never allow that in my own relationships with men. And never did, so, as you say, I thought I was in loving relationships! But as the years went by and my wisdom grew, I could see that there were forms of abuse (like the ones you describe) that don’t require physical attack. So with that new awareness, I went into each new relationship with ‘fine-tuned’ standards for what I would and would not accept. But each time the abuse just got more subtle, more disguised, and more toxic because it ‘flew beneath my radar’. So now I say that “I’m 40 years behind schedule” due to the delaying impact that those subtle forms of abuse, control, sabotage and put-down have had on expressing my purpose in life. I thank Serge Benhayon for showing me how to feel truth energetically so that no form of abuse can be missed, although I’m still a work in progress in this regard!
‘the man who is quiet and acquiescent to all of his partner’s demands is actually living in a mutually abusive relationship.’ …… this is a really interesting and ouchy revelation. How often have we felt the ‘victim’ when we have chosen NOT to speak our truth and stand up to someone who is being abusive, even if it’s only in the tone that they are using. We feel hurt by the other person and over time this can change to anger and frustration. However, the truth of the matter is, we are hurt because we haven’t chosen love, we have allowed ourselves to be less, we have chosen not to express how the tone the other person uses is making us feel and in so doing we are saying it’s ok, when it’s clearly not. That is our responsibility and by saying nothing we are enabling the other person to continue with their behaviour.
Well said Alison, and yes this revelation is particularly powerful. Not just for women, but for men also, as women can dominate men extremely manipulatively with our demands and the tone of voice we use – all ‘justified’ because it doesn’t involve physical violence… Yet violent and abusive such behaviour remains.
This is a conversation that deserves to go deeper yet – for men are often pushed to violent behaviour through a torrent of demand and abuse that firstly comes the other way towards them, and/or a dynamic in which such harm is continually fed in both directions… In the end, violence can seem the only ‘solution’ to stop a torrent of manipulation coming towards us. We all know it’s NOT, but if we are willing to live with truth as our marker, we are all responsible for the part that we play here.
Having felt a relationship that was nice, but not loving I understand how it’s easy to be under the illusion the relationship is loving purely based on comparisons that it does not create physical or verbal abuse. The truth is when someone holds back expressing the truth of who they are it feels to me unloving, even if they are nice.
Nice is not enough and can be difficult to say no to given that it ticks all the boxes of what is considered a healthy relationship when compared to some of the more extreme examples mentioned in this blog.In my experience it feels there is nothing truly healthy about holding back your heart and loving from a set of ideals. Love requires honesty, openness and a willingness to love oneself first.
‘the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged.’ – love what you share here, we do this to justify why we are staying in the comfort of where we are.
Wow …. reading your article was a great big STOP moment, there is nowhere to hide, your sharing of the truth is so clear, honest and loving that squirm as we may, there is nowhere to go to ….. if we turn away, we are turning away from the truth and from living a life in the fullness of our selves.
Wow Adam, what a powerful blog about the insidious use of comparison in our acceptance of anything and everything that is less than the grand love we come from, to be ‘normal’. So many gems in what you’ve written, it is difficult to find a stand-out, but this was the first… ‘ the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged.’ So beautifully said and so true.. for as long as someone else is more extreme, then I can justify my own as ‘better’ and therefore ok. Thank you… this piece of writing needs to be available for the masses.
Yeah – ‘Better’ should be unveiled as what it is: Abuse.
Yes Sandra… better is part of the illusion that all is ok, but abuse is abuse, no matter how small or dressed up.
There is a lot to say on this Adam… to restore a true marker for what it is to be in relationship with anyone with love is necessary if we are to eradicate comparison as a means to excuse less than this love in any aspect of our lives. And we have to go within to find the marker, because the body contains it inherently. Override that, and from there on, we need excuses as to why we aren’t living the love we know is true. Comparison becomes our best friend then, as without it, we might have to be more honest.
Powerful insight Jenny and definitely one to ponder deeply.
Good image Jenny – Comparison is a shield against truth.
Yes agreed… it’s a convenient excuse to avoid truth, well said Sandra
Comparison is a distraction away from our connection to ourselves and the continual expression of what we can bring.
Adam, you have described compromise so well. When we compromise, we step away from ourselves, we become comfortably numb. Thank you for bringing attention to the way in which we measure our lives and think we are doing ok when in fact there is a forever expansive quality of love to be lived.
This is so true Emma, ‘Thank you for bringing attention to the way in which we measure our lives and think we are doing ok when in fact there is a forever expansive quality of love to be lived.’ i can feel how ‘thinking we are doing ok’ keeps us stuck, that we do not evolve at this point because we think yep this is it and we stay in comfort when as you say there is so much more, this a great reminder to not settle for less.
Well said Emmadanchin… comfortably numb says it all! Do this long enough and you forget there is even a glimmer of Truth left to be seen/felt.
I can relate to the convenience of relating to people in a way that is based on being nice however not necessarily bringing a depth of truth and honesty to each other. It can be a control mechanism to do this as you say Adam. There is a static nature to the arrangement where its ensured buttons are not pushed. We believe conflict, tension or vulnerability to be wrong, however it can make us so much more real with ourselves and each other.
Annie, you make a good point here – that our being nice to each other is generally to avoid pushing buttons – only this morning I was struggling to compile an email to someone who had spent hours on a project only to find that their work wasn’t going to be used and I was so aware of their possible reaction, I was clouding the truth.
I absolutely hate feeling any tension, all my life I’ve done whatever I can to avoid it, and avoid feeling it. Yet in doing so I have missed golden opportunities to face and deal with truth, and am finding myself now having to deal with it all….for truth never goes away.
I resonated with what you said Jenny. I have always avoided tension and would do anything to avoid it, a ‘peace at any price’ attitude, which meant I dodged opportunities to stand up and be counted, knowing that it may have resulted in having to deal with conflict. Now I know that things don’t go away but bounce back in another form until we deal with issues and grow from the process. I am leaning that it is ok to be me and have my opinions as others are allowed theirs. We are all part of the rich tapestry called life.
‘We believe conflict, tension or vulnerability to be wrong, however it can make us so much more real with ourselves and each other’ – This is an excellent point Annie.. These three things are indeed looked down upon, and I can relate to changing the way I am in relationships in order to avoid tension in particular. But that ends up creating more tension! So the key from what I’ve found is to be honest about the tension or conflict and come to a unified point of why it occurs and how to move past it.
Beautifully shared Annie and I can so relate. “There is a static nature to the arrangement where its ensured buttons are not pushed”. And we actively choose relationships that do exactly that. This keeps us in a suspended void or plateau but in no way as you say does it deepen us or evolve us.
Yes that’s the biggest trap Annie – the discomfort we feel in our bodies that comes with tension and conflict. That is the key moment – do we honour what we feel or do we reach for the nearest distraction?
Adam thank you for a powerful blog and clarifying the levels of abuse we usually don’t like to see and admit in relationships and the way we use comparison as form of justification for our behaviours. Love it
I recently heard a couple describe their love for each other and that for them abuse was one partner sitting in the next room on their computer ignoring her partner. And I agree that is not very honouring of their time together, but to someone else who is being hit by their partner, that would be heaven. It’s so interesting to see the different levels of abuse to this degree.
Justification is an insidious thing. The great thing about it is that the moment I feel the need to justify my actions I know for sure I’m operating from a measure of what is right/wrong and better/worse according to “me” – an absolute indicator that it is not love or truth I’m coming from. Love and Truth simply is or isn’t and doesn’t need to cast a net to include or exclude anything. It is all really much much simpler than we make it.
Comparison does cause us to lose our moral compass and accept compromise. If we look to what everyone else is doing, we lose our inner knowing of what is true for us. Have you ever considered times in history where society and their behaviour has been way off track, and wondered how they got there? It seems that comparison or ‘the Jones’ are doing it’, would have played a large part in this.
Fiona I completely agree “If we look to what everyone else is doing, we lose our inner knowing of what is true for us.”. We get caught in comparing that we lose sight of the truth and our true purpose.
So true Fiona, if we compare with others we then go into a mental activity rather than feeling what is the truth for us in any given situation, i.e. what is love and what is not.
Fiona so true. We are like sheep following each other without discerning what we are doing is true for us. Just because the masses are living a certain way does not mean that this is a true loving way to live.
So true Fiona. We can justify anything if we look around us for the justification – someone else is doing this so it can’t be too bad or it’s only a bit worse than what that person is doing. It can easily be seen how a society can then tolerate abhorrent behavior via comparison and the slow decline.
Fiona this is a great point – it is impossible to know what is true for us unless we are connected to ourselves and honouring the truth in our own bodies. That can never happen by copying what everyone else is doing.
Excellent point Fiona. The comparing and then justifying of “but everybody is doing it” and making it acceptable…
I Agree Marika, we usually accept abuse because we think that is the best thing we can get in a relationship, it is only until we build more love in our bodies that we can see the real damage being done.
Comparison is a powerful adjunct to insecurity of any kind. With the two mixed together, we find a cocktail so potent that those who even sip at that cup fall down, dizzy and confused after having been abusive.
Comparison does indeed lead to compromise Adam and it can be seen in many, many scenarios. The one that springs up is around wellness or illness where someone with a deemed lessor condition is thankful that they don’t have something far worse. And there is an element of truth in this however, the depth of understanding of the illness can be missed by comparing with another who has something deemed as far worse.
Yes Sandra I agree with this completely. As each of our journeys through life and our circumstances are different, we cannot compare. Even a sprained ankle could be devastation for a person.
Absolutely Michelle. I recently had a tooth removed and I felt the depth of the healing that was on offer and how fragile and precious my body felt after the extraction. I rested for 2 days to give myself space to feel it all and rest when I needed. Someone else may have a tooth removed and feel totally different. And so we honour ourselves in what we feel we need, not what we see others doing with a similar condition.
I second that Sandra – what you have said is very powerful, and once you compromise you have made yourself less – a very debilitating way to live.
So true Sandra. People often don’t see their ill health as an issue because “…I don’t have cancer”. It is so easy to find something or someone to compare ourselves to so that we feel better about ourselves but this is just living a lie. We know what is true and what is not if only we trust what we feel.
Comparison allows us to not take full responsibility for our behaviours.
Absolutely ginadunlop, that’s why comparison is such a trap – we feel “better” compared to another and so ignore the truth.
So many standards in society are set by what is the common denominator rather than by the highest possible to be achieved. When we are given such a marker that is lived and shown that it is universal it is incredible inspiring. Such a marker is Serge Benhayon, the Benhayon family and Universal Medicine, who live that, “anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people [and with everyone] should be seen as abusive”, demonstrate that it is achievable and achievable by all with perseverance and openness.
Jonathan that is true, how we normalise the average to be ok, acceptable and in many cases held up as something to aspire to, when in fact it is so far from what we are capable of living it is not in any realm a normal way to live, but we have accepted this because it affords us something… to not commit to living with full responsibility for every thought and action. Until we are willing to address this all abuse will continue in all forms.
The other point I feel to bring to this is how all the small abuses lay the path to the other more obvious abuses like the punching. By saying yes to the quiet abuse it gives the next persons escalation a platform to stand on.
Vanessa you have hit on the sad and ugly reality of accepting a minor form of abuse, it then becomes normal and it is not such a great leap to escalate to a more intense form of abuse. That is why it is very important to purge out even the most miniscule forms of abuse. At every stage of life we must stop and look at the road we are on and where it is heading, towards an increase in abuse or towards harmony?
I completely agree Vanessa and what you write exposes how harmful and abusive it is to accept abuse. By accepting abuse we are actually condoning it and therefore complicit in it.
Wow this is huge Nicola and Vanessa, that “by accepting abuse we are actually condoning it and therefore complicit in it”.
“By saying yes to the quiet abuse it gives the next persons escalation a platform to stand on.” This is a stop-in-your-tracks super important point you’ve made here Vanessa, one to really consider.
Thank you Vanessa for bringing awareness to this point on quiet abuse. My body is feeling the shock and irresponsibility of allowing even the smallest abuse to continue in any shape or form.
“By saying yes to the quiet abuse it gives the next persons escalation a platform to stand on”.
Adam I love that quote by Thoreau, I am often distressed at my child’s good behaviour and following of the rules at a loveless institution called school. I encourage her to be true to herself regardless of whether that is ‘bad’ behaviour but she is very compliant and takes no heed of my instructions!!! I jest but I do find how children so easily fall into line of reward, competition and leave the joyous toddlerhood where nothing was about what society perceived just what was felt and expressed, no holding back.
So often we use comparison to excuse behaviour. By its very nature comparison is evil. We are either more than or less than and never equal. You raise the bar for relationships Adam. It is time to stand in love, to be in truth and to be the amazing people we are in relationship with one another…no excuses.
.’……..and not just one of mutual convenience that serves to keep us blind to the true nature of our own existence?’ There is no greater blindfold than the relationship where two people ‘get on’ well. This sets the environment as ‘comfortable’ and easy, offers no incentive to question or go deeper and explore truth. What has been compromised in this relationship? and how is it challenged? Fear of loss is big, and fitting in is and being a couple is celebrated. Pondering Comparison and Compromise certainly stir up all that needs to be exposed.
I used to revel in relationships where we got on and would feel very upset and disturbed when I couldn’t ‘get on’ with someone. However what these relationships were showing me was that it was time to say No to abuse – the abuse of being seen and treated as less than by another. This is what was creating the friction and disharmony. Now I really appreciate what those relationships brought to the table as it has enabled me to work through and face things that I never wanted to and stand as an equal member of society. I now have very loving and respectful relationships as a result.
The so-called perfect couples or soul mates are the one of our greatest lies in society. They set a role model of what we should aspire to, yet the relationships do not evolve or offer true love as a role model for others. It is only through Universal Medicine that I have been able to see this trap, that keeps you looking for the one (as Adam has said, the one who doesn’t push your buttons!) Love is love no matter who it is with and its purpose is always to expand and grow.
I love that line, Fiona. How would it be on dating websites to ask that question: “Could you be the one that won’t push my buttons? We can grow old, obese and totally unaware together.”
Very honest! Hahaha
Comparison and comfort are two words I now realise do not support loving relationships – ever!
And yet we are often told that for a relationship to be successful, both people have to compromise for it to work. This just sets people up to accept less than they know they deserve or to allow another to stay in behaviour that doesn’t serve them or anyone else. In the name of compromise, people accept abuse as Adam has so eloquently exposed in this blog.
Beautiful Adam. I love the clarity in your expression. Comparison is a huge capping in life. We can even use it to compare ourselves with how we used to be. I am far more loving than I used to be. But if I rest here and cruise on this comfortable plateau telling myself I am so much better than what I was, that is as far as I will go. I can appreciate myself and how far I have come but comparing myself now with my former self only serves to put the brakes on my evolution.
However if truth is our marker, there can be no comfort, resting, cruising as less than the all that we already are.
Perfectly presented Kylie and a call for me to fully connect to the love I already am. Totally expansive, thank you.
Well said Nikki. We are constantly evolving as is the Universe and all beings. As you say it is very important to confirm and appreciate ourselves and others as we evolve, but not to compare. There is a vast difference. In our particular form as human beings our evolution is actually BACK to our Soul and the Divine Love we all are at essence. As this blog presents, any expression that does not come from this loving source is by definition abusive.
yeah I get what you mean nikki my life prior to taking baby steps to being responsible feels so abusive and like another life altogether but so does 3 months ago, I change so much week to week and that is now my new normal. I have to say the trajectory is not always up often sideways and sometimes backwards but generally the propulsion is forward evolutionary.
I know well the evils of comparison. I married in a culture different to mine and was regularly compared to others’ beliefs and ways of being. It took a heavy toll. In reaction I started to compare also, believing to be superior in certain areas. It is a soul destroying game where we do accept any compromise for the sake of upmanship.
That is the truth Katie. Comparison is a tool of the human imagination. It creates a very convenient illusion that I am OK because I can place myself somewhere comfortable on the imaginary scale of life.
It ignores, very conveniently, the fact that the scale itself is failing – it is a sinking ship that has failed to notice the great ocean of truth lapping at its deck.
It also ignores (for it must to survive) the fact that not one scale we have constructed refers to love.
With apologies to those who love their grey world, love is absolute. It is or it s not.
Thank you for making this clear Katie.
Wow Adam, I am completely blown away by your blog. I absolutely loved reading every part of it. It is the blog I needed to read at this point in time as one of the main things I am working on is relationship. In the past I would have thought that my relationship was based on love even though there are areas to be improved upon, I felt it was loving. Now, I see relationship with entirely new eyes and what an awesome opportunity to dissect comparison that exists, is to be completely honest and continuously ask myself is what I am choosing love?
Your blog highlights the evil of normalcy and complacency. It is ‘normal’ to consider that there is an element of abuse in most relationships and how often do we compare or measure up to that norm to justify our own patterns or behaviours? Crazy!
It is true Adam, calculating who will not push our buttons and who will keep our ill behaviours running is a way of living I can relate to. Comparison is a very ill behaviour, so much so that it really does affect every cell in your body, whether it is from another or from our own un-dealt with issues.
And thus, if every cell in our body and those around us are affected by comparison, then the whole body, the one that contains all of the universe is also affected and polluted. It is our part to ensure we do not ‘pee in the universal pool’.
Good point Amina, Comparison affects every cell in your body. It keeps the illusion of separation alive even if it is not true at all.
You make some great points here Adam Warburton and I am sure it will bring up stuff for many many people as you are saying even a speck of abuse is still abuse and I totally agree with you.
Having been at the receiving end of full on abuse in many forms, prior to meeting Serge Benhayon, I can now claim I do not allow abuse in my life and it was not overnight. YES I did need a strong and absolute true reflection of Serge Benhayon who does not allow any form of abuse in any of his relationships.
I am not him, forever learning but well on my way. The more I applied and LIVED the teachings of Serge Benhayon, I could instantly feel abuse as my body would be disturbed. My over ride button no longer is the dominant force that controls my body. I feel and I say NO. I do not hold back no matter who it is or what that No may lead to.
That is No to my dad using a tone or my husband saying something is a joke but I felt an under current. I will call it out and say it as it is. I am no longer concerned if it rocks the boat as for me anything that is not TRUTH is abuse. full stop. the end.
Bina your comment and this blog are inspiring. How often in life are we brought up to say no to abuse with anything we feel is not ok? Fro example, how often are children told they cannot call out what is not ok for them because it’ll hurt someone’s feelings. A simple example of not wanting to visit a certain relative but they have to because that relative would be hurt because they are meant to be close to them by definition of them being a ‘close’ blood relative. But if truth were spoken without criticism or judgement as to why the child didn’t want to visit and it transpired the person was playing with ill energies the child didn’t want to be around? Well, the relative would be given an opportunity to feel how those energies were affecting them and those around them. Perhaps they’d choose to not allow those energies in.
‘I feel and I say NO. I do not hold back no matter who it is or what that No may lead to. That is No to my dad using a tone or my husband saying something is a joke but I felt an under current.’ – Bina, this is such an important point, the impact on our bodies when we override the feeling we have, even if it was felt just for a split second, is truly harmful. We can brush the feeling under the carpet, but what most people don’t know is that it is then buried in the body.
Adam your blog is profound yet simple and clear. ‘Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.’ This statement is one that will no doubt resonate with many. I know myself I was in a relationship of compromise where the truth eventually got lost, and at the time could feel the abuse in it but was not able to identify it. How different our lives would be if we were able to truly appreciate the destructive nature of comparison before we went into any relationship, and never accepting compromise as being something that is ok.
Sandra, this sentence also hit home for me – “truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness” – this is so deeply profound to consider that humanity has compromised so much on what it true we go to war (real and figuratively) over what we call truth but the reality is that truth is way, way off in the distance invisible to most.
The curse of better than equally matched by the curse of less than, two edges of the same sword that we use to cut others and ourselves to shreds.
And it is only the light of truth that exposes the depth of those wounds, all self inflicted, and unnecessary.
So true Joel… we use comparison just as effectively to cut ourselves down, or rather keep ourselves down… which means keeping ourselves from being and expressing the extraordinary love we are and come from. We have it mastered either way.
That is a quotable quote Joel. Love it….
Yes Joel and there can be no one-ness, no love, no strength, in a pile of shreds!
When two people come together, one living the curse of better than, the other the curse of less than, how horrible that is to contemplate, but it is how so many relationships operate. That is not a true relationship, it is an arrangement. They are still cutting each other and themselves to shreds.
So true Beverly, its a form of conditional love, that makes for a comfortable arrangement at best and an ongoing of abuse at worst, but in truth they both deliver zero true development.
An absolute quotable quote Joel. I agree with Adam.
Feels to me that we have barely scratched the surface of the harm we are repeatedly used to causing to ourselves and each other – playing out ‘more or less’ suitably so, that we may continue the game of avoidance of a true relationship with ourselves, God and all others.
More please Adam – brilliantly wise and true words.
“The greater part of what my neighbours call good, I believe in my Soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behaviour. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?” This says it all – such wisdom lives with us through the ages and yet we continue to live at odds with it rather than heed its call.
Wisely put Katie – it is easy to justify ill behaviours and unloving choices by comparing to a far greater evil or waywardness yet this does not grow us or another and is a deeply irresponsible way to run life for it cares little if at all for the consequences of our actions, the fall out and the harm caused to another. Comparison is a clear choice to avoid truth, self- reflection and growth and to avoid accountability at all costs.
A cracker of a blog Adam, set to wake up many from a long slumber.
We have accepted less for ourselves and therefore for all without a doubt, we have many shades of grey in place of crisply defined true and false and we are kidding ourselves over and over to believe that what is very unwell or even a fraction unwell is healthy, wise and of God.
How far from truth we have strayed to justify abuse, deny it, normalise it and accept it to any degree when it goes against ever fibre of who we are and what we know true relationships and human decency to be.
Indeed Adam, when we compare ourselves to another we can find justification for whatever behaviour we like. Something will always be worse or apparently better, depending on our agenda with it. The only barometer we can truly use to gauge what is a part of our lives, is whether it is completely loving or not. If it is not something that can be experienced as love by every person, fibre and cell on this Earth, then it is not equal, and it is not love. We of course have the free will to continue choosing to live not with this love, but it certainly does not make sense, and our current society is certainly a marked reflection of how this can look and progress if we allow it.
I love the Henry Thoreau quote you have included here, completely controversial but it honestly makes us look at the paradigms with which we hold society together.
It is interesting this article is titled the ‘light’ of comparison when comparison is energetically weighty and dark. Yet this article shines a light on comparison and its relationship with abuse in a way we can say brings a lot of light to the subject. In considering comparison and its relationship with abuse we are enlightened.
The title was used because according to ancient wisdom, everything is light, and according to science, everything is energy, both meaning the same thing. Light is not only a term to be given to what we would call our divine light, or the light of the Soul. Evil also has its own light or energetic quality. Thus comparison, jealousy, hate, even what we call darkness, is actually a form of light (or energy). Indeed, evil itself is not dark at all, but a shining light that serves to blind us to the light of our true origins. All the world is light, only we have chosen to be ignorant of this fact by shutting down our ability to discern the world by such measure.
So true Adam, the false light can hold us bedazzled and enthralled for lifetimes, thinking we have the true light. I find it is often the light that does a close impersonation of the fiery light and doesn’t bring up old hurts is the one I fall for.
The truth and wisdom you share here Adam is profound, a true teacher and sage. You have just revealed a truth, that if heeded and understood, holds within it the key to our liberation from comparison and opens the space to be guided by the light of truth.
Thanks Bernadette, but that is a teaching that was presented by Serge Benhayon. I cannot take credit for that, for it was Serge who opened my and many other’s eyes to such truth – although the expression of course is mine.
Yes Marika, but the point is that we refer to evil as darkness, as though evil is the absence of light. But this is not so. Evil is still light, it is just a false light.
Beautiful play on words Victoria… particularly because what you say is so true. The article shines a light on this dark and insidious way we have taken on to accept a level of relationship with one another that is far from love, in most cases. Even our greatest ideal of ‘loving’ in the sense of ‘falling in love with someone’ is exposed in our escalating divorce and separation rates.
‘what this is really pointing to is the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged.’ So true that society does this, and so false it is. It seems anything less than the severity of a harsh example doesn’t measure up; it is completely false for us to compare each others circumstances or hurts with another as we are each the ones that live those lives everyday.
You’re a brave man and one that I admire Adam Warburton. This is a big topic to raise because we ‘get away with a lot’ when we think its not as bad as what someone else is doing. We compare ALL the time. It is insidious and needs to be called out. Thank you for doing so. Lets get this conversation started….
Very true Sarahflenley – ‘We compare ALL the time’ – it feels like we are scratching the surface of a behaviour that is so deeply ingrained as a norm in society, that most people would fight the fact that comparison is a choice. And we choose it ALL the time. I agree, this conversation is very much needed.
Comparison serves to confirm the illusion that we are in fact separate, when in truth we are more connected than we like to realise. And in that separation, we can live as we choose without seeming harm or consequence upon another.
Comparison gives us the ‘convenient truths’ that we cling on to in order to remain comfortable and not evolve out of our irresponsibility.
Yes, Comparison is the General of Separation.
‘…the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged.’ Spot on. We look to the excesses of human behaviour as some sort of benchmark not to be surpassed, without stopping to consider if what we are calibrating to is on or off the Richter scale of what is decent, respectful behaviour. All in all we set our sights pretty low: “I don’t beat my wife therefore I’m not an abuser” can deny the existence of a multitude of behaviours that are abusive and controlling. And then it’s about understanding abuse can actually be extremely subtle. I can knowingly eat something my body doesn’t like – that too is abuse. Sure, it’s not as if I’ve cut off my own finger, but it is every inch self-harm.
Yes, it’s time to stop the comparative game and come to the realisation that anything that is not truly loving is abuse.
“How we speak, move interact, our thoughts and actions either contain the quality of love or they do not.” This is the truth, the simple black and white. There is no in between as you say. It either is or it isn’t.
Very true and it is our unwillingness to see this and feel this to be the truth, that we are this irresponsible that leads us astray.
True, however we try and call grey black only because it is darker than white, but grey will never be black.
Great thought provoking article Adam!
In truth anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people is abuse.
I agree Margaret. I have only in recent years started to understand what true love means. This blog and your comment makes so much sense. I also love what Adam highlights here is that abuse comes in many forms, from the extreme physical to the silent accommodating ones. So, what you’ve shared Margaret needs to be truly lived and understood to arrest any form of abuse in this world.
I am realising that we all know what true love is, but it’s the living of that and being unbending from knowing that is where we come unstuck. It is so important to keep feeling, ‘What am I settling for?’ and challenging that constantly. We have all been fed false versions of love and it is a process to unpick the falseness we have fallen for.
It is truly ludicrous how we accept ill behaviour as normal and lose sight of a loving relationship because we have done so much comparison and compromise and see this to be ok. When we have used the evil of comparison as the corrupt mechanism by which we gauge how we live our lives, we have no true reference point to start from.
As a humanity, we are suspicious of anything that appears to be too simple. Making comparisons to what is horrific and accepting something less horrific (but not love) as okay shows how we are much more invested in ‘better’ than truth. Having been in that trap myself, and coming out of it gradually, I can feel that there is a lot of pride that gets in the way of honesty and taking responsibility.
This is so true true Jinya, we as a race are suspicious of something that is too simple as we are so used to going into the complication of mental activity to ‘solve’ the issue at hand. We can’t and won’t see the simplicity for the ‘trees’. We have been owned by the compilation for a very long time and having to see how we have been so fooled does involve the pride!
Comparison leads to compromise – love this Adam. Once we start comparing our experience with something outside of us rather than truly discerning from a knowing within of what feels loving or truth-full, then we start to accept all sorts of different versions of what love might be.
Great blog Adam and a conversation well worth having. If we define abuse as anything that is less than the full love we actually do know and come from, then it certainly changes everything.
It does open up the conversation Andrewmooney26 I agree. We are so used to the horror stories that we so often accept a lesser form of abuse by comparison and that is the killer. When we are introduced to true love, care, affection and respect, our bench mark of love versus abuse undergoes a radical change. Making the decision to flush out and expose every aspect of abuse takes diligence, patience and a complete lack of judgment, but it is well worth the effort, because the depth of love and tenderness that arises is never ending and astonishingly beautiful.
The thing is, we have devised a phrase that confirms we know comparison isn’t a good thing to do and often ends up with no real solution, answer or result : it is ‘To compare apples with apples’. We know comparing apples and oranges isn’t right, and yet we are doing it every single day in every conceivable way.
Awesome blog Adam – this is so true: “Comparison makes the world grey. Edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity.” We don’t see clearly anymore as all we can see is what is not true, being fully externally focused without any true connection to our beautiful selves. So good that you put this in such a great article, thank you.
It makes sense that anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people should be seen as abusive. When we understand that energetically we either heal or we harm and there is no in between then if something is not loving then it must be harming us. Contrasting the fact that we are to express with love, anything less than love is abuse.
There is a bolded line here, “…the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged….” and this is what we humans do with everything – we compare ourselves and measure ourselves against something that is most likely or most probably just another lemon. One must go back to the source in order to measure how far we have come or indeed, how far away we have gone.
Great article- comparing our actions as better than another’s does not mean we are loving, as love is not the basis in which we began.
So true Gail. Comparing it in this way only exposes the fact that the love that is there is emotional and not in truth love at all.
True Gail! We need to look at our basis when we choose to compare. The ridiculousness is highlighted when we see how far from love it so often is.
If I say “I want what he/she has” – I ignore and deny that I have all what is needed inside me. I ignore that I am love.
If I say “I am better then…” or “I am lesser then…” – I ignore and deny that we are all equal.
If I say “I am glad I have not the problems they/you have” – I ignore and deny that we are all connected and what happen to one of us has an impact on us all.
So to compare based on ignores and denying. Comparison is the ultimative opposite of accepting, appreciation and honor. And while we may start to accept, appreciate and to honor who we are, we have not to forget that we will nether be perfect. We are always evolving, pulled to get higher, lighter, pulled to expand. So we are always in movement, always in development. As soon we did appreciate where we are now, we are asked to go on, to expand from here again. It makes really no sense at all to compare us with others on our way. It brings a separation where there is none.
Deeply beautiful Sandra and very practical. A great way of expressing this truth about comparison.
I’ve so often heard the words ‘grey area’ mentioned in life, this being neither black or white. With or without clarity, with truth and honesty or with lies, comparison and compromise. Not once did I question this on the ‘bigger picture’. But, today my radar felt this and with your amazing way of expressing/sharing Adam was truly felt. “Comparison makes the world grey, edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity”. Grey just feels like accepting ( what appears to be the norm) because ‘living in comfort’ is easier than stating otherwise or rocking the boat – yes accepting ‘something that is less’. Awesome sharing Adam thank you.
This is huge. Thank You.
Thank you Adam for such a revealing honest account of what is going on in relationships and the comparison we carry and the real harm of it and how it destroys us all.Calling it out and seeing through it and acknowledging the love we are is beautiful to come to and very inspiring.
‘As human beings we like to look out at all that we consider as evil in society, and so long as our life compares well to such darkness, we do not question whether or not what we have is actually true’. Well said Adam, and exposes exactly how we as human beings live when we have disconnected and lost our own truth of who we truly are. Thus how can we bring truth to any relationship for that matter if we are not living truly and lovingly with ourselves in the first place.
This is phenomenally written, Adam Warburton! ‘We have used the evil of comparison as the corrupt mechanism by which we gauge all of life’, how true, almost everything that we see as ‘good’ in society, relationships, behaviours etc. is only ‘good’ because we are comparing it to what is ‘bad’, and what is ‘bad’ is often a standard/quality/action we would never dare do, thus making our own behaviour ‘okay’ or ‘good’. In other words – we will always compare our actions to something ‘worse’, in order to call our own ‘better’. How very twisted!
True Susie – it is a very twisted game we are playing and one that we can never win.
If I “consider that anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people should be seen as abusive”, I nearly want to hide in a cave….but that would not bring any better, would it? So for me it is about my choice right now to open up my heart for me and everyone. This I can handle and to this I can come back to if things run out of hand while my daily living. Every time I get irritated:
Now. Open up my heart.
Now. Love.
What a profound words you have written here Adam. As long as we compare, there is no room for true love and true relationships.
Exactly, how can there be as we are not connected to our selves within – how can we then connect to another. Comparison really kills so much love and joy…
It is a true killer indeed, it is the anti-dote of love. Where comparison is, there is no connection.
It’s so true – Comparison masks the truth.
Magic Adam – you expose a very pressing part of reality here in that when there is no truth, we all have our varying degrees of what is acceptable and what is not. One could even say the parents that shower their children with gifts but not responsibility are as abusive as the man who yells at his wife. We have allowed comparison to breed compromise indeed – and therefore we have not based this on truth but how ‘good’ or ‘bad’ something is. It is my recent understanding that a relationship that is not open is abusive – and wow what a level to be aware of and look at every relationship I have at the moment.
Adam your article is talking to the depth of my soul. Where abuse can linger can be so hidden and generally easily seen as normal.
I slowly start to understand how being good is harmful, competitive, manipulative and unloving.
I agree Adam, comparison does lead to an undermining of the truth, beauty and love that life can be when we are willing to see that we have not always taken full responsibility for how we have lived life. When we live in the illusion of life that we have created for ourselves we are not fully engaging with the true depth and magnitude of all that we are offered. We are daily being offered opportunities to deepen our awareness and as we open to this awareness we are more able to embrace ourselves fully and let go of the need for comparison.
“As human beings we like to look out at all that we consider as evil in society, and so long as our life compares well to such darkness, we do not question whether or not what we have is actually true.” Adam this line stood out for me, how many of us have lived like this or still do, as long as our life is better than there’s we are ok. What a big ouch, we really need to look at the truth behind this. Are we living a true loving relationship with self and then therefore with others. This is definitely one for all of us to ponder on.
Yes, Adam, you are right in that when we compare ourselves to something that is more abusive we negate feeling what might not be love in our own relationship. The only way to evolve in a relationship is to make a dedication to each other to be open to seeing anything that is not love and loving each other enough to work out why it is there, how we didn’t see it before and how we can develop a more honouring and loving way to be with each other. I have found that we even have to start one step back from that and make that commitment to ourselves first. To be dedicated to love ourselves enough to notice any way we spoke to or treated ourselves that was not with the tenderness and love we know to be our fullest expression at the time. For me it is the physical tenderness I bring to a newborn baby or child. The words and thoughts are the same, no different. Then I bring that to all others in relationship, not just the beautiful partner I have chosen and continue to choose every day to be with in marriage.
The never-ending desire to become better is just another way to express comparison. But honestly, we never feel good when we better ourselves, do we? It’s a fear-driven empty feeling that lasts only a second until it leads to an even deeper drive to become better again.
A powerful expose, Adam, on how we measure ourselves by the accepted societal yard sticks rather than feel what is true and accept nothing less. Only when we connect to the fact that there is so much more to life and to us, do we question the accepted evils and call out for the truth, as you have beautifully done here.
This is a very strong and eloquent blog. One that places a footprint of truth in to all of our human relationships. You ask us here Adam to reflect on what we consider to be good and functionally working in light of the true love that is also available, as this can support us to learn about ourselves and what barriers we may have up against genuinely loving relationships.
I’ve learnt, through somewhat bitter experience, just how damaging being ‘nice’ is. It does not challenge a status quo, it allows a situation or abuse to continue, and does nothing to provide others with an opportunity to change. Nice is a hidden form of evil that is accepted and normal, and all the worse for it.
Comparison is a practical tool to avoid our responsibility. With the help of comparison we can – at least on the surface – justify anything that we do. Why do we need comparison? Why do we so often shy away from our responsibility?
It is never about living in perfection, it is always about honesty. The honesty will reveal the smoke and mirrors that we have created to protect ourselves from the misery we are actually choosing all the while believing the illusion we have bought into is the pretty picture it portrays itself to be.
I can feel the absolute truth of this Adam, ‘In short, this blog was asking us to consider that anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people should be seen as abusive.’ From what I observe most relationships are not truly open and loving, it is rare to find a relationship that is based on true love. I can also feel how i use comparison with my relationships and that I think things are fine because all around there are much more unharmonious relationships, this allows me stay quiet and stay comfortable and not work on making my relationships about true love.
So well written, Adam, I love the way you dissect comparison and what it leads to. It is such a big OUCH to realize how we have become complacent in our lives by seeing how other people have made different choices. It stops evolution completely. As for my self I know I have been in relationships in the past “…of mutual convenience that serves to keep us blind to the true nature of our own existence?” Time to open our eyes.
Comparison is a poison with which we justify our behaviours and ways of being that we KNOW are less than love. Comparison is our ‘get out of jail free’ card, so we don’t have to live to the level of responsibility we know we can. But who or what does this serve? Are we not just holding back the true glory of who we really are? To admit something we have blindly held as good or right to be revealed to be much less is a very bitter pill to swallow, as we need to admit to ourselves that we have been living a lie. But once we allow honesty to be a part of our lives it gently guides us toward truth, a universal truth that will set us free once more.
Adam a ripper of a blog. Comparison is such an ugly concept yet one we are brought up to do, at least most of us are. It leads to wanting a bettering and does not look at the truth. As you say it dilutes down the truth and allows us to compromise and say well this is better than that, but what if energetically both are the same as you are alluding to. It may seem tough and rigid but after all all if love is all encompassing then how can any fragment of abuse be associated with love?
Reading your blog Adam makes me realise how much we use comparison to justify and allow actions and words that are actually abusive. By using the word abusive in it’s true context it shows how far we have moved away from the word love and what it’s true meaning is, when there is love there is no room for abuse or abusive behaviour.
The examples and descriptions how we often act in comparing us to other states where others are or perhaps even where the normal is are so true. The comparison thing hold us in a steady circle not allowing true love to unfold itself.
Adam re-reading the title of your blog again it struck me that the words ‘light’ and ‘comparison’ seem mutually exclusive. It feels more apt to say ‘The darkness of comparison and relationships’, comparison is an evil cloak that blocks our access to the light.
‘Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.’ Thank you Adam for spelling out the evil trajectory of comparison and exposing how deeply damaging this is for all of us and how for so long we have lived in the comfort of pretending we were OK if we were doing better than someone else.
Yes Adam thank you for calling this out: “the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged.” The ‘I am ok because someone else is of far worse than me’ blinds from seeing what is truly there. It stops us from looking for if there can be more or anything else. It lets us be comfortable but does not support living a truly loving true life.
Well said Lieke, I agree entirely. Comparison is a sure fire way to stop ourselves from growing and developing.
Adam, this is a brilliant blog – comparison keeps us living in a way that prohibits evolution and often we don’t even know we are doing it as it has become so second nature to us.
This is a huge problem Fiona. So much in this world has become so second nature and normal that it is at times hard to know we are caught up in a very harming and abusive way.
So true Fiona and Tracey. It has become ‘normal’ when in fact it is not normal AT ALL.
So many things have become second nature to us – they are really ‘first nature’, but not the truth of who we are and how we could be living. Knowing we are love, this is how we are born, and how we can live, highlights how many of these behaviours we have adopted as a society that are not that. Recognising these behaviours means we can one by one work on them to allow more love to be in our societies, and this is truly what we need.
This is the concerning part – that we have normalised something so far from normal and so at odds with our true nature to the point that it has become 2nd nature.
That’s right Fiona. We don’t even know we are doing it – which is why I appreciate and I engage in these conversations – articles like Adam’s are the start of the change which the world is deep down crying out for.
Fantastic blog here Adam, thank you. I actually found myself in this situation of comparing recently when I compared other teenagers choices against those of my own teenager and found myself saying, well at least she is not doing that as if to say her choices were better. In that moment I made it ok that she was not living to her potential.
Nice, practical example Heidi. And I like that you have brought in the element of choice. We all choose whether to make these kind of comparisons or not. We can equally stop choosing to do so. It will be an amazing call to step up for your daughter when you speak with her about the choices she is making.
This is so true, Adam, when I was married, I thought our relationship was pretty good – we talked to each other about things, he didn’t hit me, we sometimes did things together, we didn’t argue too much, and when we did, we’d talk things through and come to a solution, usually a compromise. We had fun. But underneath I feel that we were both miserable, both disappointed in each other that the ‘soul mate’ turned out to be something different. I know that towards the end our words to each other were loaded with criticism because were weren’t meeting each others’ needs. What I thought was love was simply a man who paid me more attention than my parents had, but he had his own needs and I didn’t fulfil those, and so it went on until we divorced. When we have no expectations of another, not attachment to what they can give us, it is easier to feel the tender nature that is within everyone, and to understand that we all have hurts and express those hurts in different ways. Letting go and freeing ourselves from these expectations and our hurts is what enables us to trust and open up to true love.
Comparison is making all things look different to what they really are, it is all in the separation of our own truth. Because all that is not love is abuse, and the comparison is only making us believe that something else is worse that our way of not being love.
Wise words Benkt Van Haastrecht, and I very much agree. Comparison happens and all else that is not love because; ‘It is all in the separation of our own truth’.
I agree that is very wise, it is a mass deception that we create to stay comfortable with where we are at because at least its not as bad as that. When it is in most cases worse because you are numb to feeling the pain you are in due to the separation of settling for something so much less than your glory. To be a drug addict without a job is at least honest about the separation.
Thank you Adam for offering us an opportunity to stand back and honestly examine how we have allowed what is simply abuse to be watered down, therefore accepting one form of abuse as it is seemingly not as abusive as another. This is the evil of comparison and why so many are now suffering, feeling that they do not have a voice to speak up and say – this is not right! We as a society, have accepted some abusive behaviours as normal when in fact that are so far away from it. Any form of abuse from a thrown punch, to a raised voice is abuse – it is not normal, and it is definitely not love.
Even a look can bring a force of ugly disdain and contempt that reduces people to a speck. A mockingly rolled eye is a statement in itself, renders people to a slightly lower status hence less worthy of consideration.
When we stand upon the platform of truth offered by Adam, and refine abuse down to its most subtle form, every single one of us must stop and ask where am I an abuser? Where do I exercise harm towards others, even in its tiniest form?
As you said Ingrid, any form of abuse from a thrown punch, to a raised voice, is abuse – it is not normal and it is definitely not love. If this was generally known and accepted, what a difference it would make to all relationships. Adam has a way of saying it as it is – a truly thought provoking blog!
It’s stronger than provocative; it’s a full blown request for self responsibility, an invitation to evolve (and the provocation that might be felt is a by product for not choosing to).
It is a clarion call to step down from the realm of thought into the bodies in which we live. Adam has asked us to feel deeply the consequences of having dwelt in that shaded world of thinking that measures actual hurts against ideas of what hurt is, and real harm against story book versions of harm.
Well said Ingrid.
I love your blog Adam. Our world is set up like this, comparing ourselves and what happens in our lives to worse case scenario’s, not feeling and claiming our Truth. I feel a laziness in that, a desire to live in comfort because it’s what we know. But what we know on a deeper level but choose not to access is a glorious feeling of being truly truthful and truly loving.
And this extends to all areas of life. How usual it has become to compare ill health to a worse extreme, to justify our high sugar and caffeine intake as normal rather than questioning the escalated reliance on such and brush off serious events and occurrences as run of the mill or normal by comparative example. All of this moves our focus away from ourselves and how we are running our lives, our bodies and the choices we are constantly making to the detriment of ourselves and others around us – this provides a convenient escape route from taking the needed responsibility.
There are many levels on which we are asked to take responsibility. This may feel overwhelming at first but if we are striving for perfections it is a joyful journey back to living the Truth we are all originally from.
We use comparison to convince ourselves that what we are doing is ok. But why do we need convincing? Surely when we know something and when something is true there is no need for convincing. When we use comparison as a tool, it exposes the shaky ground we are standing on.
What a rich exposition this is Adam, wrought with your razor sharp clarity, wisdom and absolute commitment to truth.
Comparison. One of the greatest evils to abound human life. It is nothing but a downward sliding scale of bad and more bad, that says “yes” to lower and lower states until we fall so low that we cannot even conceive of our true grace and true worth. Ah…I have no broken bones, so I must get on in this relationship with a man or woman who breaks my heart a little more each day.
While women and men are dying of the physical brutality they inflict upon each other, who am I to complain. The bruises are unseen, bourne deep inside my being upon the value I assign to myself in this world. I am not dead in body, because I can walk, but I am dead in my life, a walking corpse of self denigration.
Is it too extreme to say it this way? Having emerged from the tyranny of emotional abuse in relationship it can be said that bluntly. Thank God I can see that now with the distance of years and the grace of the woman I have reclaimed myself to be. It is only when comparison flourishes can we make a mockery of the mundane, everyday suffering so many people experience in their relationships.
Rachel “sliding scale of bad and more bad, that says “yes” to lower and lower states until we fall so low that we cannot even conceive of our true grace and true worth.” It could also be said that comparison applied to ‘getting better/improving’ is equally a sliding scale.. the same comparison, the same deepening illusion, the same result : “so low that we cannot even conceive of our true grace and true worth”
Wonderful Rachel and Adam. There is much inspiration to be gained here for your ‘absolute commitment to truth.’ To not accept anything but true love has to be put out there. To expose the lovelessness that exists in relationships absolutely has to happen; it hurts and is painful because ultimately at the end of the day, it highlights the lack of love and integrity we hold for ourselves and the level of abuse we allow in our lives on a daily basis. But we cannot sit back and accept this any more for ourselves, because we have now sanctioned and accept this norm’ of abuse and lack of love in not only our one on one relationships, but from our institutions, our governments and our international interactions. The world is saturated in lovelessness and deeply hurting and is reacting as a result. Thank you for going there and starting this conversation to begin the turn around, which is inevitable.
That lack of true love is why it takes the body of a dead infant, a refugee who escaped the tyranny of oppression and war to snap us out of our deadening slumber to wonder at why we are treating our fellow human beings so very badly. And how long did we wake up for? 5 minutes? Long enough to feel a little bad, mutter some platitudes and roll over back into our comfortable sleep?
The lack of love with our partners and close ones is a slow spreading poison, a fume that creeps into every corner of life, steadily choking our breath and blinding our eyes until it must be flagrant and grotesque to have sufficient salience to grab our attention.
And for how long?
And to what effect?
And all the while Rachel we still feel it and are hurt by it; therefore, we deepen our loveless behaviours to numb against feeling the realisation of it all.
That is true Gina. It is not that we do not feel for we do, we feel it all, all of the time. It is what we do to escape the feeling that is the problem – to sustain that long deep sleep in a world that is calling for us to be awake.
Dentistryinharmony, you have described what it is like to be in an emotionally abusive relationship very well. With physical abuse we can at least see the bruises but with emotional abuse we can fool ourselves for a long time that it is in fact occurring. And that is as you say and Adam has said in his blog all because of comparison and deeming one situation worse than another when in fact it is all the same. It is all abuse. Comparison is therefore the enemy of truth and something that has lead the human race to fall to the depth that it has from being the glorious beings that we actually are.
And how far Elizabeth have we fallen. Talk of glory and people think it is a either a joke to be scoffed at or a far off fairytale, beyond the reach of their must outstretched fingertips.
This is spot on Rachel. And a most apt way of describing the silent and slow death of emotional abuse that takes place from the inside – gradually wearing away and wearing down the way one feels about themselves. In what world could this ever not be called outright abuse? Only in one that fools the undiscerning with a sliding scale and measure of what is good and bad… and never one that is governed by what is true and not true.
Indeed Rachel and Kylie, emotional abuse wears away at one’s confidence and sense of self that when the physical abuse comes there is fear but often not the will to remove oneself.
Beautifully said Kylie. Even the bruises no longer make it as a measure of abuse – after all, it was just a little punch, a small kick, a tiny shove into the wall.
The ache of denigration does not even appear on this scale.
As for truth – this scale does not even countenance that there is a truth to be beheld and lived.
The extent of the ‘walking dead’ in our daily lives would shock us all to the core if we were honest. What will it take for everyone to be honest in the same moment and say stop I wont do life like this anymore’. As you share Rachel there is a way to re-claim our essence back from the fog of pretense. No good comes from being seen as good. When all else fails try truth.
Superb Sandra. When we don the garment of truth the inner death cannot be sustained. It comes to the surface, both shocking and truly healing as our eyes see at last what our heart has ever known and felt.
Rachel thanks for expressing this – it is so to the point, I have experienced extreme emotional abuse in one of my past relationships, and what I recall the most is that I was full of shame and very clever at covering up so that no one would pity me or heaven forbid tell me how stupid I was to stay in the relationship. It is shocking how blinded and paralyzed I was when I was in the middle of it. The feeling of deep dis-trust in my body was there for years and years after the relationsip ended. Today, with the support of Serge Benhayons teachings and Esoteric Women’s Health, do I know my own worth and the precious woman I am and always was.
“Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less” – and the funny thing is when we are presented with what more could potentially be us in a grander way, we find it hard to accept it as our new normal.
It is through observing with vigilance and clocking where and how we compare and compromise, and allow a lesser truth to prevail in our day to day interactions, that we can begin to heal the need to compare in the first place, returning us to live from the love and truth we are, not allowing anything less in our lives.
Even the smallest, most minute, step away from the Love that we are is harmful. Feeling this will support us to return to True Love, because once harm is truly felt for the evil it is, we can never return to it again.
The truth is we feel everything and we know by feeling and being aware of our body’s signs when we have been abusive, what is sorely lacking is personal responsibility – comparison is a huge lack of personal responsibility and while we actively indulge in comparison we never dig deep enough into the truth which sits underneath.
Thank you Adam this sharing is thought provoking! It would appear that the majority of us are abusive in one form or another there is no getting away from that revelation.
Awareness opens the door for change.
We can hide so much in our justifications and comparisons and let the more subtle forms of abuse slide. Indeed Roslyn honesty and awareness can lead to the possibility of different choices.
I love these words “Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.” Compromise is seen as the answer to convict in our society, but these few words precisely prove why this is not the case.
Not only does compromise lead to an acceptance of something less, so does when we tolerate situations or hold back from the truth for the sake of keeping the peace.
This is a very interesting point you have made here Adam, about the ill and poisonous existence that comes with compromising truth. Whether we are unaware of truth or have watered it down it makes no difference, because through both we are denying the initial point about all life and relationships ‘being love’. If we address these issues and disharmonious expressions and experiences in life from the place within us that knows love and only love, we have a bench to stand on to call out that which does not fit. If it’s not love, it’s simply not love and it’s just that simple.
So true Cherise. When we look out at the world from that place within us that knows without a doubt what love is, then the truth is clearly revealed before us.
A great article Adam – thank you. Yet so much of it will probably be bastardised by some who read it and go straight into the comparison you speak of, and the reaction of feeling something true but not wanting to accept it. The quote from Thoreau is a case in point: “The greater part of what my neighbours call good, I believe in my Soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behaviour. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?” I can well imagine the first part being largely dismissed, with the wayward spirit grabbing on the last portion and interpreting it as an exhortation to begin or continue behaving badly.
Adam I love your observations on life. Deep, meaningful, straight to the point and full of absolute love. Thank you for wearing your heart on your sleeve and showing us how much you care.
Yes Vicky it is such a refreshing blog to read and to take it further into the Truth of what is going on in life. The familiar way of living where by – ‘Comparison makes the world grey. Edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity.’ has got to get to a point in our lives where we say ‘there has to be more to life than this?’. This accepted normal is not it. Adam an insightful blog indeed, Thank you.
What a solid and powerful blog Adam… leaving me deeply still sitting in my chair, considering everything you have shared. In particular, the words..”What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?” brings one to a complete stop.
ahh yes…”and that will hold me captive in the illusion until the day I choose to awaken from my slumber”
Abuse is anything that is not love. Until we are able (willing) to see this in no uncertain terms, than we will continue to bathe in the many false lights that blind us to the truth at the core of all things.
‘Abuse is anything that is not love.’ Such a powerful statement Liane and a point Adam has clearly made. This is something that we cannot afford to deny for when we do we not only sell ourselves short, we sell all others short and settle for what? Abuse in the place of love.
A “little bit” of abuse is abuse. A little bit of poison is poison.
And the smallest fraction of concession that this ‘little bit’ is tolerable is the death knell of truth and love.
And when we do see the truth of this – that “abuse is anything that is not love” – we will bathe in the light of God.
The willingness here you describe, Liane, is not adhered by mankind because many would stand in front of the shreds of their relationships.
‘Abuse is anything that is not love.’ Beautifully and succinctly stated Liane Mandalis. And yes, as this is true, we need to see that we live in a world full of abuse and it is within our power to change it.
I agree Liane, abuse is anything that is not love – could it be that we are not willing to accept and see this for the simple truth it is, as it would expose the huge levels of abuse we choose, allow and accept first for ourselves.
Yes Liane well said “Abuse is anything that is not love. ” what yourself and Adam are sharing is absolute truth but…. yes there’s a but…warning bells are going off in my head about the way this truth might be bastardised into a weapon we use against each other in relationship.
Eg. “Thats abusive!!” or “Your being abusive”
I have tried this approach and it doesn’t work, not surprisingly.
Now when clocking more insidious subtle abuse I try to be sensitive to the person I am addressing, as they may not be aware or perceive it to be abusive. Sometimes “calling something out” can be a simple “reading” that you only share with yourself, adjusting your posture or moving away.
Knowing what abuse truly is, is so important but it cannot be turned into a self righteous exercise, if we do this, its power is lost and it becomes an abuse in itself.
Well said Sarah, to call out what is not love when we are not coming from love, is also abuse. If this is not kept in mind and body, the fog will thicken as the illusion moves in tighter around us. The truth is simple when we are standing in it. Not so when we have told ourselves we are, but our tracks away speak otherwise.
Energetically speaking, the world is always black and white for there is only ever what is love, and what is not. It is WE who invent the many shades of grey in between so we can hide in the shadows that arise when we stand in front of the light and not in it. A truly inspired blog Adam, thankyou.
Great comment Liane, and not only do we invent the many shades of grey we also take pains to confuse ourselves by making white black and black white to valid and feel self righteous about our hiding spots in the shadows.
Yes Liane it is either love or abuse – black or white, what Adam has exposed here is the real evil of grey which is often more insidious as it hides itself well under the illusion of good and better.
‘Energetically speaking, the world is always black and white for there is only ever what is love, and what is not.’ – Thank you Liane, this significant reminder ought to be repeated over and over again.
We allow evil to be, so we have an excuse for not living the love that we are.
Powerful blog Adam that really makes you consider how much we hide behind the veil of comparison and how through this act we choose not to see our true responsibility in life when we make life about being better than another.
Spot on Brendan! What are we comparing to?
Adam, this blog is awesome! It needs to shared everywhere. The whole comparison thing is massive. I often compare how my life is now compared to where it was, and in doing that I often appreciate where I have come to and all the changes I have made but I have to continually remind myself not to compare to that or to the past but to see where I am now. How I live today is what matters and from here I can make changes.
Brilliant Rosie – you expose such a dangerous pattern of behaviour that would allow us to settle on a way of being just because it is better than before, rather than fulfilling our true potential and life being all that it can be.
Great blog Adam, thank you. Comparison truly is a corrupt way to justify to ourselves our unloving or abusive behaviours.
Justifying unloving behaviour is a slippery slide down a miserable hole. It is so much easier to honestly own up to “that wasn’t right”, make amends and grow from it.
I love this sentence, it sums it all up so perfectly: The man who yells at his wife but does not hit her does not consider himself to be abusive by comparison. The man who controls and dominates the relationship by using his “superior knowledge and intellect” to suppress his partner’s voice will never admit that he has been abusive whilst he can hear the man next door yell and lose his temper. And, to add a dash of controversy to the mix, I am sure that we would never consider by light of such examples that the man who is quiet and acquiescent to all of his partner’s demands is actually living in a mutually abusive relationship.
I love how you are opening up the door so all forms of abuse are seen.
Agreed Rosie, and that abusive relationships can go both ways. The manipulation can come from a woman as much as a man.
Ah yes, good behaviour. “What demon possessed me that I behaved so well.?”
A light well shed on the evil of comparison and it’s insidious way that what we think is good, loving, better than it was etc. stops us delving deeper into the limitlessness of God’s love and living it in full in this life. There is no other way. It is indeed black and white Adam!
Could it be that through not bringing equalness to another, we perpetrate abuse?
Perhaps we could also say that whilst we do not honour and love ourselves to the bone we leave ourselves open to accepting less from others by making severe compromises.
Adam I love what you have presented here. Honestly, I was quite surprised When reading it was written by a male. Not really sure why, but I’m glad it was as you’ve offered something way more for everyone. Women can no longer just accept the abuse and go with it as it is clear men are calling out for true, abuse free relationships also. There was an amazing amount of great points written in this blog- “As human beings we like to look out at all that we consider as evil in society, and so long as our life compares well to such darkness, we do not question whether or not what we have is actually true.” I do that often. Look out into the world and compare so as to feel that the way I am is okay. Even though it may be less then what I know is true for me to live. And this- “Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.” just knocked my socks off as I can feel the absolute truth of what compromising oneself leads to. Greatly written, amazing blog.
Living from comparison rather than a deeper inner wisdom is a burning question always on my mind particularly when it comes to relationships. I hear it circulating through my thoughts regularly, ‘…this relationship is good, we are getting on well at the moment, not arguing, feeling quite loving and warm around each other… but hang on, something is still missing… this good actually feels, well, really bad, we aren’t totally connecting, I can sense it, there are deeper things to share with each other but we don’t seem to be willing to go there … we’re just comfortable to stay at this level’. At this point I feel torn between social norms and what my intuition is telling me.
I understand what Adam presents in his blog, that we use comparison as a (crude) tool to try and convince ourselves that all is rosy, rather than using our deepest inner wisdom as the reference point to look back from at our relationships and assess whether what we share is truly representative of what we know they could actually become.
In other words, rather than use how others do life as our yard stick, why not throw out the yard stick and ask the question of our own inner resources, ‘based on my understanding of love and self-respect, what does my relationship with this person need to offer’… because the reality is, there is always a greater purpose to relationships than just doing better than we were doing before.
Incredible Adam. You have truly exposed the comfort created by living in comparison; also the total lack of responsibility. Whilst our radars continue to scan the world for behaviours which redeem our own as good in comparison we then never are looking inwards to see the truth of what is truly going on in our own behaviours. This is why we need to seek out behaviour which inspire us; the key here is being honest about our intention. Awesome Adam; thank you for going there and expressing this.
“Comparison makes the world grey. Edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity.” A very poignant comment Adam that exposes that the more we loose touch with our inner values, the more lost we become when we begin to look at others and gauge ourselves by what we see. The moral ladder that we use to judge, compare and excuse our behaviour certainly does make for a grey and woolly world, because we are always measuring ourselves against a partially known story or situation, but never the real truth. I thank the day I met Universal Medicine, because it has stuck a very bright, crisp and clear flag in the midst of all this greyness that has and does enable me to navigate my way back to my inner values and re-gain the knowing of what these values feel and look like, so I can resurrect them within me once again.
In the absolute, there can be no half-truths, if we choose to fool ourselves we live in the uncomfortable comfort of the grey zone. Great blog Adam.
I love the raw unabashed truth with which you have written this article Adam, thank you. It clearly exposes the comfort in comparison, what we settle for, the grey zone… when we choose compromise in any way. Having conversations like this help to lift these veils of illusion we often accept as ‘normal’. There is such immense love within us that knows the truth. There is no love in comparison.
A great expose on comparison, Adam, which is well and truly ugly! When two people are committed to love and nothing but love, things are not always ‘hunky dory’ as they are constantly being asked to be all of who they are, and to let go of all that is not love. This can actually be quite uncomfortable and not all together pleasant, especially when they want to hang onto some of those old patterns. Having a relationship that appears to be polite and contentious compared to others is not true love.
“The greater part of what my neighbours call good, I believe in my Soul to be bad…” – I love the reference to Soul as the one and only place where we know what ‘true good = love, truth, harmony’ is. That pinpoints the whole subject of comparison.
Comparison is something that is so easy to slip into and it is one of the most destructive forces of harmony.
So in the end a loving relationship should never be defined from the outside, but only from what we feel inside. Do we feel stillness, do we feel (!!) appreciation, do we adore, do we be silly, do we… Are we true from the perspective of being connected to our inner-hearts or not. Are we even honest enough to acknowledge to ourselves when we are connected to our Soul and when not. And are we both willing to express when this is not the case… It does ask a lot of honesty and expression from two people to have a truly loving relationship. I am still learning to have this loving relationship with myself. I do appreciate myself, but not always. So I do appreciate others, but not always. I find myself enough in my head, escaping. And whenever I am there, I am not able to feel either myself or the other and so I am not able to feel or express love and appreciation. Without that being a rule, but just an observation (which is something that I am still learning – so many time I’m hard on myself or others because it’s not the way I think it should be, based on an ideal or belief).
Reblogged this on florisvanderschot's Blog.
I was recently told that ‘comparison is a killer’. And that it is. It is unbelievable how quickly I will start to judge myself and compare myself to others when the opportunity presents itself. Why do we decide that the person a few paces behind is doing less than the person a few paces ahead, leaving us in the middle thinking we are better than person A, but not as good as person B. Is it possible we all have our own coordinates on the circular track we’re all walking on and that there is no finish line?
Love your contribution Elodie Darwish, I have been a party to this crazy game. When I am settled and I am myself then I see the circular track with no finish line. When I am unreasonable and affected then all I see is me at the back of a race I can’t win, with people kicking dirt in my face. I am observing how deep myself judgment runs, as it stops me from fully loving people. Thank you again Elodie for shedding more light on the subject.
Exactly Brendan, the ‘convenient’ markers that we use to make ourselves feel better. Comparison keeps us from evolving to greater levels of love, understanding and expansion.
Adam this is brilliant. I have compared relationships to others and deemed mine better without an honesty of saying no, this is abusive in its own right. It is less than love. I have also wavered in declaring the abuse for fear of being ridiculed as sensitive or petty.
So what you write here is very healing and supportive to everyone who finds themselves doubting what they know in their inner heart to be true, that we know abuse when we feel it and it is calling to be called out for what it is.
Wow Adam, busting it wide open for the glaring light of truth to be shone upon what is really happening in our relationships. For some this truth will feel controversial, and this is exactly what is needed. We need to question the ‘norm’, what is considered acceptable measured comparatively against something that is worse, so that one can feel better. Brilliant, thank you.
When we are prepared to stand for Truth calling out all that is not, as did Henry Thoreau, Adam you have bought the necessary questions needed to be asked of ourselves. To dull down our way of living and being with life for the sake of living in what appears a ‘comfortable’ existence, is an injustice to all of humanity.
Thank you Adam for shining a light on comparison. Comparison allows us to feel better about ourselves or our situation while avoiding the truth. We can always find a comparator that is “worse” than us as you have clearly layed out in this blog. The reference standard, however, should be what we feel is true in our hearts not what we can get away with. We know truth and we know love, no one should accept less than this from themselves or another.
Absolutely Lee. No one should accept less than truth and love from themselves or another. Coming back to this for me has been a painfully slow and difficult road and it continues to evolve, but it is one well worth making because at the end of the road is an opportunity to live life with truth and love as the solid foundation making the only consequence a life lived in joy.
Comparison leads to compromise – Now this is a game changer and one that calls for some self honesty and care-full examination. How do we know we are truly in love when we judge what love is based on the extreme abuse we see in the world? What you have shared and the conversation you’ve started Adam is so needed and very valid.
Abusive relationships are everywhere, a lot more to what we can see from a naked eye!
As we develop more love in ourselves, and learn to honour the quality that is us, what is abusive sticks out like a sore thumb!
Absolutely Heather – we have a clear can palette of love that feels very tiny thing that is not love, and never judges it. Abuse becomes very obvious, even very subtle forms of it.
Great support here for me to be aware of when I’m measuring my life by looking outwards, as opposed to truly feeling the truth of how things are by listening within. This for me is about getting back to the truth of the heart. Thanks Adam.
‘Tis only the true love of self that can allow one to see clearly the dark edged light of comparison that we so easily subscribe to – comparison holds us in comfort, stupefied by the fact that it is better, will be better, has always been better etc. and it is this notion that keeps it all playing round and round. Comparison taints every relationship and opportunity for exploring more deeply with others. It colours our words, our conversations, who we sit with, how we work with others, the list of destructive practices is endless and yet we hold these facets as being normal and our propellants through life. Beautifully written Adam.
Whilst we live in the cloud of comparison we are masked from seeing the truth.
Well said Donna.
So well said Donna. A simple and all encompassing sentence that breaks open what we could be lost in forever.
Indeed we are Donna, when we make the choice to compare we have already stepped away from love and from seeing the truth. For how can we compare with somebody else when we are the sum of all our choices up to this point, it is crazy looking at it this way. We ca be inspired by someone living more lovingly for sure. And we can also learn from others not living so lovingly but not through comparing ourselves but rather through understanding.
Brilliant blog Adam. Health is another one where people consider themselves well by using the sliding barometer of comparison they look at someone sicker than themselves and use it as a reason to say they are okay and then that becomes the new well. We use comparison as a way to excuse ourselves from the responsibility we have in truly caring for ourselves and for one another and when we are really honest with ourselves, we know exactly what we are doing.
Yes, we do exactly know what we are doing and at times, we even use the disease or illness as a trophy to get attention… some even compete about who is worse off and has the most ailments.
Yep so true Deidremedbury. We use comparison to escape from taking responsibility. “Well if everyone else is like that I’m fine to” but that’s not truly what is fine for us. And really, we shouldn’t be settling for fine.
Great point Deidre. Rather than use the yard stick of truth and what we know the truth to be, we conveniently look out to those around us to confirm us where we are at. If they are in a lesser place we congratulate ourselves for not being there and then content ourselves with where we are at. Even if we are exhausted and addicted to sugar or caffeine, or having to take medication we say we are well compared to the person that has cancer or a broken leg. In this complacency we fail to realise that we are not as well as we like to think.
It is crazy, that we choose to compare and measure our lives to the evils that exist in this world. That we find comfort and relief in accepting a lesser evil and this is deemed as OK. With this we conveniently excuse the responsibility we all have for the way we are choosing to live with ourselves and with others. To align with the lesser evils in this world as the measure of who we are is an abuse to who we are, as we are choosing to live less than the greatness of true Love that we hold within and can live. And as you say Adam, to live in a world of comparison is harmful as we have already chosen to compromise living in a loving way and have rather accepted less than the truth of this Love. And this is abuse be it physical, verbal, sitting in silence or through the actions being good. Thank you for exposing so brilliantly that the illusions of the lesser evils, in fact, do not deliver the truth of the Love that we all are in essence here to live.
Yes, whereas if the marker we used was the enormity of our Love, knowing that this is true and nothing less, how different would the world be on a mass scale? Would we settle for what we settle for these days? Would the media be what it is today, would relationships have the ‘familiar, to be expected’ problems they have today and would our general well-being be in the dire straits it is in today? The answer is No. The state of malaise the world finds itself in today is because our marker for what’s OK keeps stooping lower and lower, further and further away from truth. If our marker was Love the world would transform enormously at all levels.
A very powerful blog Adam on a topic that generally sits well under the surface of curly waters and never stirs. We go about our lives in this mediocrity, and the way to keep it all going, to keep it all grey as you say is to keep up the face of comparison. We gauge with what’s comfortable and everything happening around us serves towards this. Comparison keeps us away from truth and away from truly connecting to what’s really going on around us. Comparison guarantees we walk around with our hearts closed.
As long as we have needs in a relationship it’s not possible to have love and truth. In ‘need’ we settle for compromise and adjust ourselves and bodies, contorting ourselves to fit in, not rock the boat (upset the comfort of the other, or indeed our own comfort). This is a strange arrangement we call love, relationship or marriage. It takes great courage to live in love once this arrangement and been set in motion.
Its important, especially for men to not see our abusive behavior as who we are, making it our identity, as we gain more awareness of how we act in abusive ways with our partners. It needs to be exposed, spoken about and felt, we need to be responsible and accountable, yes absolutely, but also treat ourselves with great understanding and tenderness, uncovering that we have all been deeply hurt, and have rejected our tender nature. The hard un-loving way we treat others at times is a direct reflection in the way we treat ourselves, as we build more appreciation and love in our own bodies and lives we are able to let go of our hurts and protections, re-turning to the love we are, and bring that love and tenderness to our relationships.
Comparison holds us in constant tension, focusing on what is outside of us, in this tension we are disconnected from our bodies, the love and tenderness we are, which then leads to more comparison, as we feel empty and look at others to compare even more. In comparison we are never still within ourselves; it’s a constant motion we use to either justify our lives and feel better than others, or put ourselves down or lower than others, both only serve to keep us in separation from the equality and brotherhood we belong to, and connecting to the divine beings we all are.
Most relationships are not based on love as their foundation; they are arrangements which both parties agree on the level of intimacy or lack there of, the level of comfort (comfort meaning the agreed plan, spoken or unspoken to not evolve together towards more love and harmony).
In an arrangement both people agree to use the other to fulfill their needs and to allow themselves to be used by the other to fulfill their needs.
We call this ugly arrangement ‘love’ and ‘relationship’ and we settle for it, consoling ourselves in many ways, for example that it’s better than the other relationship or a least they don’t shout at me, etc. etc.
A very interesting article, it seems like an outlook on the world that we are not quite ready for yet. Yet one we will only become ready for if we start to look at what it means to be loving with one another and be willing to have exposed our behaviours. I know from my own personal experience that this is something I find challenging. It can be easy to wish that the status quo remains and we carry on as we always have, the question then arises is how does that look and feel, is it enough to have a convenience in the space where a true relationship could be.
There is a component of ‘shock’ as i read this blog for it nails the level of comfort in which we all live. Those of us that feel we are ‘fighting the good fight’!! If I am truthful ‘Compromise’ is everywhere in my life and in the lives of people around me. ‘But how do we know, especially when we have used the evil of comparison as the corrupt mechanism by which we gauge all of life?’ Wow, to be exposed….. This is a gift Adam, thank you.
To be in a relationship based on love, harmony and respect with another, we must start with these quality’s within ourselves, treating our body’s with tenderness and care, otherwise we are simply acting out a role in our relationships which is not sustainable.
The quality’s within ourselves need to be nurtured, and tended to on a daily basis, for much will come to knock us away from it, but it is worth every moment of honouring that quality.
Yes Thomas, it has to start with us first otherwise a so-called loving act with a partner is just that ‘an act’ but is often loaded with need and expectation, and if it doesn’t deliver, leads to disappointment and conflict in the relationship.
What you have written here Adam is pure Gold! I love how you say “..how do we know we have found a relationship of love, and not just one of mutual convenience that serves to keep us blind to the true nature of our own existence?” A massive reflection on the comfort we have chosen in every corner of our life. This blog calls to deeply re-imprint all our relationships and claim love to be the foundation of them.
Compromise was always something I heard (and still do at times) that we have to do in relationships, but now I know that this is not True. It’s more important to have Truth and be true to oneself, even if another walks away, as then we have Real Love in relationships – the Love that most of us, if we’re honest, are seeking.
I really appreciate the depth your question asks Adam ” how do we know”? The closest I’ve got is saying no to what doesn’t feel honoring, has no tenderness and feels like tolerance. I’m all for continuing unfolding back whatever is there to live truth and love from my heart and not my comfort.
This is so true Adam, Truth is plain for all to see. I know that in my own life, if things are grey and fuzzy and confusion sets in, I have not been living Truth. Somewhere I have accepted less. This is a great marker, if in seeing where we have compromised and let Truth slide.
Hello Adam Warburton and I love the quote from Henry Thoreau you used, ““The greater part of what my neighbours call good, I believe in my Soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behaviour. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?”” It brings a smile to my face because of what he was and is saying and what it also brings to light. Comparison and the further steps away from that point, I agree with what you are saying.
Even in its minutest threads, comparison is a force so evil its insidiousness in our thoughts and ways of being taint even the most grandest of monumentous achievements under taken for the good of all. There can be no true evolution for anyone if we are constantly trying to live up to a measured way of living we have made from comparing.
Beautifully put, Brendan. If the marker we use to determine how we are doing is not it, is not ok, is not well or love, we are setting ourselves up. We are trying desperately to convince ourselves we are ok or well even though we know inside it is a big fat lie.
Is life about being ‘better’ or is it about truth? What you share here Adam illustrates plainly that without truth, our way of living is just a different flavour, or degree of abuse. When you put it like this it’s really clear we actually have a simple choice.
Thank you Adam for so eloquently exposing the harmfulness of comparison and compromise. So often compromise is accepted as a beneficial outcome but as you share it lacks truth and is always less than what could be there.
I love how you dived on the deep end of truth here, Adam. How convenient it is for our mind to compare and especially with the lesser version. Thank you for this awareness you are offering here!
Thank you Adam for widening the view on comparison. Even though the blog is referring to relationships, it can apply to all of life and I can see how in life we can measure ourselves always against another point on a line and if we are further along the line ‘we must be ok’. It is a way of justifying our choices, even though we are still way off course. Of course this is dismissing of what is actually pure or love. I know I have fallen for ‘feeling, doing or having better’ than previously but I am now learning this is still not it and can see at times it is simply a case of having climbed out the pit and it is just the start on the return to love. “Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.”
That is so powerful what you have written here Adam. It is from great importance that comparison is being faced, for real, and that everything in life get’s a re-look at where we are living in comparison. Like you shared , it is that comparison, that makes us blind for truth. As comparison is a form of reducitism that is not found in truth. I agree absolutely with Henry Thoreau, we need to look at the demon that we choose at times to posses us that is indeed comparison. I am inspired. To stop comparing myself , but accept who I am as much as I can.
Awesome, awesome blog Adam! You have explained very clearly how we have got to the point in society where we have as a humanity accepted “abusive” relationships as loving ones. In presenting this idea, that what we consider to be loving is actually abusive when held up against what truth really is, is a bit of a shocker. In not holding back you nominate this will cause reactions in many, but you also ask us to consider very pertinently that those very relationships could simply be a mutual functional arrangement that asks us not to delve too deeply into our hurts which keeps us from evolving as individuals and as a society as a whole..
A powerful piece of writing just because we label something good or better by comparison does not make it true or right.
Adam thank-you for pulling the curtain on the deeply set consequences of comparison.
What a convenient, reassuringly comfortable bar we have provided for ourselves. An involutionary pact we are all party to.
“And who is the great moral crusader to argue, when they have used the same barometer of comparison to measure the quality of their own life?” This is an incredible question, revealing how each of us contributes to the lovelessness that exists between human beings in general. Your writing is heaven sent Adam. Thank you.
Reestablishing the maker of what abuse is and having a clear defined line must be introduced back into everyday life, otherwise we have nothing to measure against. The net is being cast very wide and far and would include almost everyone. It may, no it will, cause controversy and upset many, but that would be a great day.
Dear Adam, your words here, “The greater part of what my neighbours call good, I believe in my Soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behaviour. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?” I felt the truth of, so very deeply within me and they brought me to tears. I’m not sure what is here for me but all I know is a huge healing is taking place inside me. Thank-you deeply for sharing this.
Amazing to read Adam. I liked it because it was there from the start. It delivered! My comment is – We need to define what the true meaning of love is, then there is no room for comparison or compromise. You are being loving or you’re not.
Yep, cut and dry Rik. No compromise or grey areas, fence sitting or that’ll do’s. Just the true feeling of love and being love…. Or not.
Yes Rik it is really that simple, but as you point out, we need to define the true meaning of what love is.
Spot on Rik, we have to define what love truly is – it is then very black and white. Due to our lack of responsibility we want grey areas but why would we want those when we truly get to the depths of what love is, I know I am only just starting to get to know what it is at the surface level and it feels very special.
As much as we may not like to admit it, we know when something is not truely loving, and we know what is not love. We may or may not have had the experience of true love, but we do know it.
Awesome blog Adam – shows so clearly how through comparison we create an acceptability of what is not absolute as it is seen as ‘better’ relatively to something else.
Yes Michael and also how easy it is for people who are abusive to not take responsibility because it is not as abusive as someone else. Verbal and emotional abuse is incredibly debilitating to the recipient, yet there are no bruises therefore it can be seen as less abusive. Toughen up, learn to ignore them, learning coping strategies and resilience are all current schools of thought to not address the behaviour and lack of love in the relationship in the first place.
Yes Brendan I agree. And upon reading your comment I realised the enormous arrogance it takes for us to hold such views and how lacking in compassion we can be to do so.
It is the intention behind the behaviour that causes the most harm…to the victim and also the perpetrator.
Hmmm. Thank you for this Paula. It’s what’s behind what is actually going on. On the surface it may be ship shape but underneith the intention might be ugly as all hell.
I just loved every part of reading this blog as it is asking us all to truly and deeply consider the ideals and beliefs by which we live, opening us to another truer way of living lovingly. Well said all the way through Adam Warburton.
Hear hear Michelle, shaking our foundations of comfort, the thunder of Truth resounds your every word Adam Warburton.
Yes Katie, I fully agree. This article is gold and keeps unfolding.
Adam, I love the way you go beneath the commonly accepted paradigms to a greater truth beneath. The way you have exposed the evil in comparison here, is what is needed to see true change come to the world.
I agree katemaroney, exposing comparison is so very needed to bring true change, to get us out of our comfort zones and experience what truth and true love feel like in our body.
You write beautifully Adam, and so eloquently put across the fact that by using comparison to excuse our behaviour, we are forever sliding the barometer of what is okay further toward to abusive scale. In life we need standards – and not of wealth and living standards, but standards of behaviour that are not based off of the worse in the world but the absolute love at its highest.
Exactly Brendan, our barometers for what is and isn’t ok need some serious re-calibrating!
Great spotlight you position on relationships here, Adam! The only way to feel if our relationships are loving is to feel whether we live in the moment honoring ourselves and our partner or not. If there is comparison with others or relationships before we are out of presence of the what is.
Sometimes comparison can come from many angles all at once, for example, sometimes I’m thankful that I’m single. I’m comparing my single life to someone’s married life, however I’m also comparing my last relationship with this other person’s marriage by reflecting on the emotional abuse that we had. That’s a double comparison.
Great point, lindellparlour. It feels like we pull out comparison in order not to feel the truth of what is, but convince ourselves we are OK as is and remain in that comfort.
This reminds me of those choose your own adventure books where the reader gets to choose whether they take the stairs or the lift and then that choice sets themselves up for the next adventure, and the next and the next. To make a decision based on comparing one’s experiences with someone else just puts you on another adventure, moving farther away from the truth in the first place. It is indeed convincing ourselves that we’re okay after each decision, but the comparison was never with the true path.
That well and truly blows the myth of the idea of ‘adventure’ Suzanne. You may have made history here (as far as that is possible when there is nothing new under the sun!) The wanting to go on an adventure, to spice up life, to get some excitement, to go into the unknown, has been something we have championed, as if the world is our playground, when all the time we are here in order to get back ‘home’ to the Soul. And then on top of that we love to read books or watch movies that are an adventure. So another word for adventure might be ‘delay’, a further moving away from the truth, as you have said.
Makes you really sit and consider the many things we have considered acceptable, which simply aren’t.
Very many things, and it goes on on a daily basis. It takes a lot of internal fortitude to stick with love, when it seems there is little of it returning.
And yet what else would we want to stick to – Love once felt in all its beauty and divinity is a place nothing else can ever compare with. No kingdom, no corporation, no possession, no relationship that is without Love is worth a brass penny. It is strange that we still have tendrils to things that seem acceptable but are not love.
It can be likened to growing a fruit tree. At first planting, constant watering and fertilising with not a harvest. But once the tree starts to fruit it would be well worth the effort.
It sure does, and to look at what we convince ourselves of when deep down we know the truth.
Well said Nikki, I have had the experience where I’ve known what to do, however I doubted myself and from that point many thoughts that confirmed my doubts come flooding in.
In time I discovered I knew the correct decision all along but chose to override it.
And there are many, and they are not necessarily spoken words. The way we enter a room, walk down the street or look at someone…these can be pockets of ways of being that are less than love and yet we can justify them because compared to angry outburts or outright rudness for example, they are deemed perfectly acceptable.
Agree Sandra, and there is a beauty in having the ability to refine our lives to this level. I real liberation on many levels.
And the conundrum of thinking we have a well maker when in love there is actually so much more..
The issue of comparison can never be over talked or spotlighted. As you have shown, it is an umbrella, a safe hold, for evil, in all of its forms, to dwell.
Powerful thought provoking blog Adam. What we think is normal is just everyone copying each other making it normal. Allowing abuse to be a normal because others do it or its not as bad as the neighbor. You have really opened my eyes to this and I will be more aware of the dreaded comparison.Thank you
Adam, you have laid this out so clearly and I love the trail of corruption: “Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.” When we use comparison to gauge life or any choice within it, we set ourselves up to live a self-made life that suits the ideas and images we have already deemed we need, to not expose the truth of what is actually being lived.
Great comment rosannabianchini. The part you’ve highlighted is exposing and so, so true. I love this blog, it leaves no room to pretend that abuse doesn’t exist in our lives when comparison is rife, blinding us from discerning truth and this blog brings clarity to the true meaning of abuse. Comparison is the seed of disharmony, when we choose to live in truth and love, it is the antidote for comparison.
And then everything does become grey. Truth is very black and white – it is or it is not. It is the grey that creates conflict and disharmony because everyone’s idea of something is different and based on their version of right and wrong, but not based on truth.
Adam this is a powerful blog. Your observation that ‘the propensity of society to use the extremes of human experiences as the litmus test by which all else is judged’ is a card I have played too – rather than simply feel what is true and move from this known point is a laziness – I’m/the situation is not perfect but I’m/it is better than … takes the focus away from truth, and honesty goes out the window.
I think this is where we go wrong medically as well hartanne60, we think that because we don’t have cancer or another life threatening illness that we are doing OK. That the way we live is so much better than others. The comparison only really has a hope of being outed when we bring honesty to ourselves.
Comparison prevents us from appreciating the unique flavour that we bring to the universe and to humanity and live all of what we are meant to be. Thank you Adam for honestly naming the insidiousness of comparison, increasing our awareness of this very ingrained pattern in order to let it go for good.
Yes I agree Judith, there is a lot to ponder on in this powerful blog Adam. I can feel pockets where that ‘oh well, at least it’s not as bad as this or that’ still quietly festers and what you’ve done here is shed a light on all those hidden spots where comparison still dulls us down. And sure, there’s discomfort at having these exposed but that discomfort can be embraced with enormous joy, when we choose to have our marker up with Truth and Love and not down in the dolldrums of mediocrity and grey.
If each of us knew the unique flavour that each of us brings, there would be no need for comparison, for we would all know how essential each of us is as part of the whole.
If we are in comparison, then we are truly lost, because innate love does not compare, it is an emanation from the body and Soul. To first compare, we must be out of our hearts.
To be out of our hearts and in our minds. Comparison isn’t an off shoot from love, so no way is it true divine love. Comparison can create jealousy which leads to negative energy/thoughts. Why would we want to compare if we are all feeling our innate love for ourselves and humanity? We wouldn’t so anything less is abuse.
Wise words harryjwhite, “to first compare, we must be out of our hearts”. So we can actually use comparison as a tool, if we catch ourselves in the wilderness of comparison, it is a reminder to return home to the warmth of our hearts.
Beautiful and simple Harryjwhite! It is true, the heart would never be impulsed to nor would the Soul ever compare to another, what is known innately is love and brotherhood.
Beautifully said harryjwhite, to compare “we must be out of our hearts”.
Beautiful Harryjwhite.
‘To first compare, we must be out of our hearts.’ Such wise words Harry.
Beautifully expressed Harryjwhite. This is absolutely true.
Well said Harryjwhite. Comparison is a justification that is so far from what comes from our hearts.
Exactly, love literally shines forth it is only us who blocks the rays not letting them in. Love just keeps on shining.
Beautifully Sums up the evil and illusion in how we measure our existence as humans Adam. “Comparison makes the world grey. Edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity” this to me is really cool because it sums up what it feels like to live in the world of comparison, and not live with any true love and the qualities of our true divine nature as you described. Anything less than this must fall into the world of comparison.
I agree Harry, comparison feels muddy and dense, it destroys who we are and keeps us living in a loveless world.
Like being lost in a Sci-fi Fantasy, unable to tell what is real and what is not. The warmth and depth of true intimacy can never be compared to – and to try to is disastrous.
Well pointed out harryjwhite, I love the illustration of the world being grey and no longer crisp. Life is dull and confusing when you don’t live all that is possible to live. I was going to write that life is dull in comparison because it is hard not to compare when you have finally seen that comparison keeps us a shadow of ourselves, it is, in fact, a marker for not wanting that anymore.
If we had true love as the barometer for our actions, we would know immediately what is loving or not, but the human race has lost touch with the meaning of that word. Instead of being universally loving, we are surviving life’s struggles and both parties in a partnership are responsible. The abuse by a ‘good’ pouse falling short of truly being a partner in life, their partner (man or woman) allowing such neglect to take place. Instead of living the truth of what we actually want, we give up and accept whatever is there to comfort us, meanwhile the unspoken pain deepens to create a chasm between two people, seemingly unbridgeable. The only answer is to come back to love.
Well laid out and expounded Adam! The sliding scale of comparison is indeed a dicey thing. We are either abusive or we aren’t, we are love or we are not, we are healing or we are harming. There is no ‘neutral’ and there is no scale of more or less. Truth is absolute. The sliding scale of comparison keeps us well and truly lodged in a world that can never truly work.
Thank you for shining a light on a subject – comparison – that is so ingrained and normal and used as a standard or even ideal that most will not even be aware of its existence. It shapes our perception and way of thinking and relating with ourselves and others so much so that we may not even know about another way. To shift our orientation from comparing ourselves to what we are not or consider to be unacceptable to reconnecting to the quality that defines all our innate divine beingness (love) to the best of our ability is a game changer presented and lived by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine – there is another way for all men and women and it can start with the simple choice to make love one´s intention in the way we think and all that we do. Even when we are not yet fully aware of what love in its absoluteness is there is an inner knowing/feeling of it that is activated by intention and an openness to explore it our lives.
A deeply thought-provoking blog, exposing the way we have skewed and diluted the truth behind the relationships we’ve been living in and settling for. Yes, we’ve lost the ability to discern and know real love by using the tool of comparison to render ourselves feeling ‘better than’ when in fact our true marker and starting point should always and only ever be pure absoluteness. We’ve bastardised the word abuse until it has come to mean extreme divergence from love and not just one or two degrees. But the truth remains – anything less than absolute love is abuse. Raw, but true.
The word love has so many different connotations for so many people. In the past I have experienced my very gentle and respectful partner saying he is expressing his love when I can feel it is actually need, and I have also experienced myself doing the same to him. Now that is not love, it is dishonest, -unconsciously so – but still dishonest. Now, as we call each other out when we feel anything is being used as a substitute for true love, that IS love, for it is respecting ourselves and the other. You have made it very clear Adam, how anything that is not gentle, respectful, truthful, open and honest between two people is abusive, because anything that is NOT love is an abuse against the whole beingness of who we are.
This is definitely an ‘ouch’ blog, but a much needed cracking open of such a subject. I paused to feel and question: where/when does comparison come in? when we separate from who we truly are there is a difference created because how can you compare two of the same thing? it’s not possible. By accepting comparison we in affect support and foster separation…ouch.
Our capacity to measure is really to our great detriment. One can always find something to measure against that will justify the tolerance of a set of conditions determined as acceptable. The trouble is that once we start a a scale against which we measure better or worse we are into the shades of grey and the moral ambiguity and of which Adam writes.
How awesome is it to read this…. ‘Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.’
The moment we compare and then disconnect from the very essence of who we are…we are lost.
Great you are repeating this here Kathynfortuna, in one sentence Adam describes the journey of our downfall if we go into comparison and let ourselves go.
This bit really struck a chord with me Adam – ‘Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.’ Reading this has highlighted areas where I can still settle for less and be comfortable because nothing dramatic is happening. I am beginning to see how very destructive and capping comparison is.
Brilliant blog, Adam. Comparison is truly evil, yet it is rife in society – the media seems fuelled by it. In every situation, if we asked ourselves ‘is this harming or healing?’ we would know the answer and can then be guided by that.
This blog brings new meaning to the statement..”compare and despair”.
l am now pondering how this manifests in my life and why.
Very powerful profound and healing Adam. We have become a society of ‘good’ people that no longer question if something is true or not. As long as it is not as bad as the comparisons of extremes we see in life or that it does not push our buttons or rock our comfort, then we accept what is before us. Through Universal Medicine I have learnt that anything that is not love or loving is abusive and this is my marker for relationships now. Learning to express what we feel without reaction but from a loving understanding so that it does not escalate into abusive behaviour allows us to build a true foundation to our relationships and not one of mutual convenience.
I love what you say here Alison, ‘we have become a society of ‘good’ people that no longer question if something is true’. Before I came to Universal Medicine I thought good was more than ‘ok’, I thought it was benign and a positive thing. I have come to understand that within good lurks the greatest harm because it comforts us, keeping us blind from feeling and seeing what is really happening and thus stops us from taking responsibility for what is true and living what is true, as uncomfortable as that might be.
I can relate to everything you say here Josephine. Until I met Serge Benhayon I was completely blind to the harm that lurks in our version of what is good and benign. I was lured by the ‘good’ of of classical music in the search for something that was ‘pure’ in this world, something unpolluted. How could I fall for this? Well, I needed there to be something out there in the world that I could relate to, and therefore the clairsentience I had around other things just got closed down when it came to this topic! It faltered slightly when I found out what went on in Symphony orchestras almost first-hand (going out with someone in one) yet I denied the truth of what was there to be felt.
A very thought provoking blog Adam. It’s so true that comparison makes the world grey so we cannot truly see what is going on, and the nature of our relationships seems to be just fine when compared to something that is far worse. Why do we settle for this?
What you have written here is deeply meaningful to me Adam and beautifully expressed. Comparison is a killer, as is compromise and the way you have exposed how this plays out in our lives and our intimate or not-so-intimate relationships reveals some deeply held and usually not considered perceptions that shake the bedrock of the comfort that most of us have gone along with. I will be re-reading this again.
Here here Josephine. It is a little disconcerting that I have lived my life believing that compromise was an essential part of a good and loving relationship. I am now beginning to see that there can be no compromise in a relationship that is based on a foundation of love and evolution.
I grew up believing that too Leonne, but compromise is in truth the death of love and it gives me shivers to write that.
Thank you for your clarity here Josephine – your expression leaves no room for doubt and certainly no way to see compromise as truth. Very powerful.
Ah Adam this topic is one I know very well indeed. The ability to deceive myself that I am actually doing really well because it appears so many others are not doing as well as me: be that in relationships, at work, as a parent, as a child, the list is endless of the topics that I have sat smugly in believing that I was doing so well only to find myself surveying the same terrain a little later on, head spinning 360 like something from Poltergeist as I survey my life from truth rather than comparison! Ugly findings to say the least!
What a beautifully honest and real comment Alexis. I can relate to it all! When I connect to the truth I can feel that comparison is a trap that leaves us accepting abuse.
Yes agreed Leonne – a great comment Alexis. I too have fallen for the trap for deceiving myself by comparing how I was choosing to live in comparison to others not doing as well. Such a dissociation with the truth. Sitting with ‘I’m doing OK’ is such a false sense of security, a momentary relief and a comfort that does prevail as a normality in our society. We settle for this when we are so much more and could instead choose be inspired to live the greatness the Love we all are in truth.
Ah yes, true Alexis. So many times we get caught out thinking that we are going great guns based off the expectations and comparisons of the world. Yet when we feel ourselves we find that it is not so often the case. This is what I have come to- that how you are should be based on how your feeling. Not from what you see from outside of you.
Yes ugly findings at the least but your honesty is to be commended as I feel this is something many, if not all do or have done at times in our lives.
So relate here Alexis. When we truly begin to open our eyes, it certainly is not the pretty picutre we once thought it to be. Very humbling times.
In other words, how do we know we have found a relationship of love, and not just one of mutual convenience that serves to keep us blind to the true nature of our own existence? A very powerful question Adam, a question that you offer for us all to consider. Thank-you for shedding so much light on the subject of comparison in relationships, very supportive.
You make some great points here Adam, and it just goes to show how we settle for less in our relationships but still call it loving, even to the point of defending our lovelessness. Talking from experience it is so easy to get stuck in a rut within a relationship and look out and believe that everything is going ok, because others around you are visibly struggling.
Adam there are so many situations I can recall in my past where I have compared myself to a more extreme “picture” in order to justify my actions or choices. It’s a game that has a downward spiral. To start to come out of it I know myself and many others then choose “good” as the answer – striving to be a “good” member of society yet again just a comparison to something we deem to be bad. However unless there is truth – the black and white known then I feel we are trapped in a constant game of comparison and justification against something that is more or less extreme. The more I see the evil in good the more I release just how much we can be trapped by it. Your post certainly brings another deeper perspective to look at.
By comparing ourselves to others and feeling that we are “not that bad” compared to other situations, or people we can easily settle for less. By contrast when we make life about evolution, growing and expanding we can learn so much from how we are in every interaction. It opens the possibility to deepen our relationships with ourselves and others and to live a life based on truth, not on protecting our comforts.
I love the quote you have given Adam and how you expose that we can justify our excuses for truly unloving behavior till the cows come home but it is still unloving behaviour and we know it is.
Very powerful Adam,We may eventually get to a point where we realise that anything short of pure love is abuse and tolerance is very abusive as it is so far from the truth of what love really is. What you say about comparison is so very true and the sooner we can all get our heads around it the sooner we can move on.
This article is brilliant Adam, I can so relate to what you have written, particularly, ‘Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness’, I can feel how it is very common in relationships for them not to be based on true love and evolution and dealing with issues that arise, but rather based on an unspoken agreement to stay together and put up with each other and not rock the boat too much. I love how you expose how so many of our relationships are not loving.
You are so right Adam about the slippery path we tread when comparison becomes a factor. Normal has become a sliding scale that has no numbers on it or no end in sight. We are a car hurtling down the road in the dark. Only love can bring the light back to show us what is true.
Beautiful said sjmatsonuk, that the normal becomes a sliding scale when we allow comparison to be the measure to evaluate the quality of our behaviour. When we instead evaluate the quality of our lived lives with what we know and live inside, there is no gliding scale, but only a bright light that shows us exactly where we are at and how life could be lived as a Son of God that we all are equally so.
Your writing and what you are presenting is profound and I would guess challenging for those not prepared to see the harsh light of truth in your words… for our world has ventured so far from the light that in comparison to the dark anything can be reasoned to be acceptable. The comparison that we choose to live… which not only perpetuates the irresponsibility we are not willing to face for allowing the darkness in the first place… disturbingly allows us to have the audacity to then celebrate ourselves for choosing a lighter version of this dark. If it is love, anywhere on the spectrum is just abuse no matter how you gauge it.
Adam this is brilliant, I feel ‘responsibility’ knocking on my door.
Thank you for starting the conversation Adam on what really constitutes abuse. To EXIST in a relationship where neither party is being met by the other (nor meeting themselves first) is extremely abusive as anyone who has lived this way would attest to. Tolerance, compromise etc., etc., etc. (let alone all the things we know that are so obviously abusive) are all dastardly ways of playing safe so as not to upset the status quo to avoid upsetting the “silently agreed upon arrangement”.
Thank you Adam for bringing such clarity to a subject that we have become so accustomed to in life. It is very true as long as we compare ourselves with others we measure our lives by what the whole is living but not by what innately feels true to us. We have become a society bouncing off each others outer reflections, bringing everything to how something looks on the surface while neglecting our inner strength and beauty that can lead us to truth and love.
So true Esther Andras, we compare an outer image we have of another instead of allowing ourselves to feel everything there is to know about that person and gain an understanding and deeper insight of why they are where there are and do what they do.
Very powerful writing Adam and deeply felt, thank you hugely sharing this to the world and opening my eyes wider to what I have allowed in my life comparing myself to another.
In the last week people have shared with me what is not so good in their relationships, but through comparing someone else down the road or across the world going through a harder time we seem to adopt the ill behavior to suck it up because it could be worse.
It is really concerning and scary what abuse we are allowing on any level through comparison instead of saying NO to what does not feel right.
Behaving well often does mean to not speak out what we truly feel. By that we do not only limit ourselves, but above all those around us. Maybe they do not get any buttons pushed, but at the same time they are denied a massive chance of understanding themselves that this confronting moment would have brought.
Yes Michael by not expressing or speaking up for how we feel out of fear of reaction this leaves us stuck in comfort and doesn’t help anyone. When we express and connect with others it opens up the conversation for more intimacy and understanding which therein allows for deeper connections. A win on all fronts.
If we really allow ourselves to feel, we are fully capable of what is of love and what is not. I know I have abandoned my truth whenever I was too busy checking out what others were saying and what their choices were, and consequently censoring my own feelings and making choices away from what was true for me – and all done in a split second, with no awareness of doing so.
This is an Amazing blog Adam and with a great realisation of truth to how we live as humanity today in all its different comparisons and compromising ways of being and beliefs which are just that. The truth is we are all living far from the true love and divinity we are inside and the justification that this is ok is not, nor is the compromising good we all do just as much as the bad and evil. It is through Serge Benhayon and the pure true love he is and lives and the reflection of his family that we are being given the opportunity to know what real harmony, joy, relationships and responsibility are and that anything that is not this absolute loving way of living is abuse.This is powerful stuff and will change the world as we come to realise this and change our ways one by one to the truth we all know inside us.
Wow Adam what you have shared holds some great truth. Comparison is a killer and very destroying. We all need to really start to go deeper in our relationships and build strong loving foundations so there is no space for comparison to creep in, in any form.
Yes very true Amita. We need a base to stand on so that when something unloving creeps in we can call it out simply and easily so.
What you say is very true Adam, comparison to something which is less than the quality we hold in a relationship is not leading to truth where we are at but to justification of where we are. But how would you call it if we compare to something which is higher in quality and actually could be of good to adhere? Is that not in the same way comparison? The only word that comes into my mind is inspiration which leads to a constant revaluation of where we are at, without judgment but with full appreciation and then to an never ending evolvement.
Great point Sonja, inspiration feels so much more free and full of responsibility. The best way to evolve instead of staying stagnate or surppressed.
Thank you, Adam. This is an amazing insight that can be applied to everywhere in life. We look at extreme cases or those who have it worse and settle for much, much less than what we truly deserve – as in the case of what ‘health’ currently means to us. This is how our ‘normal’ keeps downgrading itself.
For many years I was living with my family like we were uni students. Basically doing our own thing, having a catch up here and there and coming to gather for meals occasionally. I did not question this, as compared to how most people lived together it was pretty good, the occasional disagreement and reactions to each others ways. But actually it was hurting us all, it was abusive as it was not love, we were not letting each other in, nor developing and deepening our relationships with each other, nor truly caring about each other. Since changing this over the last 6 months it has transformed all our lives. I have learnt how I put up with so much less because it is ‘better’ then what I once had with my family growing up. Yes I agree Adam if it is not love it is abuse.
It is quite wondrous how close you can be/ live with someone but being so far away at the same time. How comfort can sneek in and no really true connection can occur. Great you could reimprint your behaviour and rhythm in your family so that a true family life can take place and be lived now.
Well said marylouise we are so easy to settle for less and with this buy into abuse and choose not to be aware of how we are with each other, being in the comparison of being better off than others. I did this so much in my life comparing and then looking at what I had and what the other person did not have and with this justifying my own existence without truly choosing to live from love. Since I changed this my life has absolutely transformed and on my evolutionary path I may call tomorrow abuse what yesterday was still considered as loving.
Your comment makes a great study into how this works on an everyday level Mary-Louise. We are comparing our own present with our past and grading it, instead of truly allowing ourselves to feel the way our lives actually hurt, and beginning the process to repair them and restore them to love. I can already see some areas I need to speak my truth about and assess more honestly. This is about ignoring hurts and what feels wrong because it’s better than it was. What an insidious way to allow abuse into our lives and keep it perpetuating. It also means we inch along in our personal evolution, if we move at all.
Excellent point marylouisemyers. That’s so true…we go about our day and so long as we have what we think is better than the people next to us, then we are happy to carry on, avoiding what is actually playing out.
Your honesty is really exposing for me. People often comment on what a close family I have and even though I am well aware that it is not as rosy as it appears I have still not committed to calling out behaviours including my own that are not love. Thank you marylouisemyers for the inspiration to do so.
Thanks Helen and Mary-Louise for sharing your vital awareness around this subject of accepting something that is less that love but that looks quite good. This would have to be a ‘disease’ we are nearly all suffering from! It is what leads to the humdrum and shuts out true love and I know it very well.
Anything less than a truly loving relationship simply hurts. The lack of love hurts. The lack of love we feel and express hurts. The lack of love in our partner’s expression hurts. That quite possibly sounds like abuse.
Yes Christoph, while we may not let ourselves feel the hurt, and use any means (including comparison and justification) to dismiss it – when a relationship is anything less than truly loving it most certainly hurts.
So true Christoph and when we are honest with how we feel the truth of Love is undeniable.
I agree with you Adam that the statement “that anything less than a truly open and loving relationship between two people should be seen as abusive” could be a provocative statement to many in our current societies as we generally come from comparison and not from our truth. As in truth there is no comparison but only the truth that is being lived and when we are honest to ourselves we are all aware of that. But when we let in comparison into our lives and accept that way of living as ‘good behaviour’, we are diluting our truth an allow a lesser part of us to express compared to the grandness of who we truly are. When viewed from this angle I can fully understand now what Henry Thoreau wrote “what daemon has possessed me that I behaved so well?”.
This is gold Adam. I especially appreciate and love your statement “Comparison makes the world grey. Edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity”.
It is as though we keep lowering the bar and thus, what was not acceptable yesterday is acceptable today because all around and by the false virtue of comparison something is now not as bad as it could otherwise be. And that is crazy – what are we putting up with and what are we really here settling for? Mediocrity at best, downright abuse and violation at worst.
And ultimately we are saying yes to being so much less than who we truly are, pushing us further and further down the scale of Truth.
Looking outside of ourselves is never a true measure of Truth and Love, for what we see as less or more is a reduction of our absolute connection with God, with ourselves and with others. This is not the relationship with life we have signed up for, but one we have accepted and perpetuated in our compromise, and suffered devastatingly as a consequence.
And this is what the vast majority of us don’t want to know, because when we really allow ourselves to see to what degree we have indeed settled for so much less it can be heart-wrenching. How do we deal with this? By numbing out and dulling down and placing the gauge somewhere easy and convenient — ‘at least I’m not as bad as so and so’. Comparison is a coping mechanism to to keep the enormous pain at bay for having walked away from our glory in the first place.
Comparison has no place in the absoluteness of Love.
A world of relativity is a world of irresponsibility, hence the necessary playground to pretend that we can do as we like and get away with it until of course absoluteness catches up with us.
“What demon possessed me that I behaved so well?” … great question, and how I have behaved.
Yes Maree as great question indeed that invites us to reflect on how we behave as opposed to how we respond in truth and love. It is a blessing to have the lived wisdom of Henry Thoreau with us again as it is a testament that the truth of the inner-heart and Soul never dates, as this wisdom is timeless, immeasurable and eternally within us all.
It’s such a great quote to highlight Maree. It certainly brings into perspective whether or not I have chosen to be with the truth or to be with the collective lie of comparison.
Thank you Adam for writing this blog and for going where many fear to go. What you are writing about here is hugely important because as a society we are letting ourselves get away with far more abuse than we care to acknowledge. You have hit the nail on the head so to speak when you talk about the evil of comparison. Comparison keeps us in a comfortable belief that we are fine and it’s everyone else that is the problem. So long as we have someone else that we deem worse than ourselves then we feel justified in our own little corner of the world. It is time to examine this whole issue of abuse and what is it all about.
Looking at comparison from the view presented here by Adam Warburton demonstrates how completely capping and imprisoning is this emotion. Thank you for ‘breaking the ice’ so to speak and demonstrating the power of holding a view contrary to the accepted norm.
I agree Elizabeth…and jealousy is another insidious poison often felt but rarely spoken about. It undermines relationships and comes with an intent to harm another.
I love your words deepening the awareness of abuse in relationships. I used to think that a certain way of abuse in my family was normal, because it was worth in others. That to me was the excuse to not having feel what was really going on. But feeling into that with the love I have developed in my life, I can clearly say it has been heavily abusive and I do speak up for it whenever I sense it. Expressing with love where abuse is sensed exposes it and supports to settle a more aware handling with it.
Its an awful thing, but you have the truth of it Elizabeth… how many of us feel ‘better’ because we judge someone else as doing worse? How on earth is that going to inspire others (or worse still what will it inspire).
The relationship of mutual convenience marks the world with the stain of involution. It is held highly by many as successful, when in fact as you have eloquently written Adam, is instead an insipid reaction to the comparison of being better than others. “At least I’m not…” is the phrase I often hear in justification and defensiveness for staying in the comfort. On offer through this blog is a way of living that throws “good behaviour” out the window, and in its place offers being ourselves, in all our magnificence.
So true Heather. No settling for the comfort of “at least I’m not…” takes responsibility and a commitment to truth.
Thank you Adam, Heather and Lee, I agree, ‘at least I am not’ hiding in the illusion of being good, because I now understand the meaning of true good, and all it brings to me thanks to the inspiration of Serge Benhayon.
This is so profound, Adam. I had an experience today where my husband and I “fell out” with each other while shopping. I could feel myself saying that this is okay as we are normally reasonably harmonious in our relationship but I felt such dis- ease at this comparison. To have allowed ourselves to get to the point of “falling out” when shopping, was not okay as it meant I was justifying something that was less than the love that we both are and that is so damaging for us both.
I love what you are sharing here Anne, this brings another aspect of comparison into play, the way we have accepted moderation. We believe that as long as we do not overdo things, do not go into extremes, or we do certain things only sometimes, we are ok and we are living a good and healthy life. But this is not true. I have actually found that ‘everything in moderation’ is the worst as we keep ourselves on a level that does not allow us to feel how moderate we live our life, moderate in the sense that there is no true fullness but a reduction of that what we could live and because we believe, confirmed by our comparison to others, we live a better and thus good life we are thicker in the illusion and less willing to look at things than somebody who is obviously not doing so well.
Great point Esther about living in moderation and not going into extremes. As you say this is the “worst as we keep ourselves on a level that does not allow us to feel how moderate we live our life, moderate in the sense that there is no true fullness but a reduction of that what we could live and because we believe, confirmed by our comparison to others, we live a better and thus good life we are thicker in the illusion and less willing to look at things than somebody who is obviously not doing so well”. We just had a chat with friends about their 12 year old daughter drinking a “long milk coffee” every morning and she shared that if she does not drink it she gets horrible headaches. So we mentioned that it might not be good for her to drink coffee if it has this impact on her and they said that everything in moderation is ok. They are presented with the extremes of her body reacting, but decide that it is still moderate and simply ignore the facts.
Well said Esther! To grow up with one of the most prominent guidelines being ‘everything’ or ‘all things in moderation’ shows exactly how rampant comparison and thus living less is in our world today.
Well said Esther. So many people are championing moderation nowadays but there is no truth in moderation. Of course moderation looks better than the extremes but that does not make moderation true. It just makes it not the extreme! Lets take alcohol for example. Alcohol drunk in excess is obviously not ok. But is it ok drunk in moderation? It is still a poison and poison drunk in any amount is never ok.
What Adam has brought to us in this blog is very profound because it is asking us to go deeper with how we view abuse, which in many ways is no different to how we view drinking a poison.
Drinking alcohol is a good example Elisabeth. When we drink so much alcohol that we are knocked out and feel really horrible the next day it is an obvious sign that this did not do us any good but when we drink only so much alcohol that our daily routine is not so much influenced, lets say we just have a slight headache or feel a bit more tired and exhausted, we fix it with some coffee and aspirin and go on with life keeping us in the belief that it is ok to drink alcohol in moderation. And we do this with so many other things, keeping us on a level of still being ok and functioning but not at all in full vitality and health, thus only surviving with our survival kit of food, drinks, medication, drugs, stimulations etc. at hand.
Anne you have used the word dis-ease when it comes to comparison. This is exactly how it feels doesn’t it? The moment when we compare we are no longer at ease and begin to justify our thoughts. It spirals down from there…
Also profound what you write, Anne. Everything that is not love and not adding to or deepening the love that is already there in a relationship is abusive.
That is a big one, that we use comparison also to justify our weaknesses or call them human and hence normal and acceptable. All to do this to avoid the responsibility of honestly if not truthfully assessing the subject of comparison and get to the bottom of what it would mean to be loving.
Anne, and Esther that moderation you talk of here where you have a blip and it’s not often so then we say it’s ok, is another degree of comparison, and it’s not love, full stop. Anything which holds us back from who we truly are is less, and not to be tolerated, as Adam notes in his blog that’s the poison of comparison, it introduces compromise, and over time we dilute what truth is. That’s how we’ve ended up in a place today where many accept a lesser version of love as love, it all started like this comparison, those little slides we allow whether in gross or minor terms, it’s all the one, we are away from the truth we know and can live, so yes Anne, it’s very definitely a ‘dis-ease’.
Thank you for sharing this Anne. This highlights the evil of comparison in allowing us to accept a lesser quality than that which we are capable of. For me this does not mean that I never have an issue come up with my partner, what it does mean is that I do not accept that it is OK to speak harshly to my partner or there to be ill feeling between us. I have the quality of our relationship as a marker and do not accept less than this.
I love this sharing too Anne, it is completely honest and something that so many can relate to, arguing with your partner whilst shopping and feeling that it is OK because for the most part the relationship is harmonious. It is settling for compromise rather than saying no to the abuse and yes to love.
Absolutely Anne, even the tiniest intrusion that is ‘less than love’ should not be tolerated. From our true power, which is the true Livingness we can all be, we except only love as the starting point for our relationships.
Adam what you have expressed here holds much powerful truth. Comparison is a major evil in this world and cuts us down to size quick sticks. If it is left to run rampant in our lives can cause much unnecessary pain and anguish. When we accept ourselves in full and claim that power comparison will no longer prevail. Comparison as you say is a large grey mass, but when we are connected to love, the grey mass has no legs to stand on. Then comparison has no where to go.
Adam this is a powerful piece and I agree with the following sentence – ‘Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.’ Last night in having a discussion about my daughters day at school, she shared that she had felt mad today. Why? Because she found out that a girl was raped at a party and the boys talking about it thought it was no big deal and funny. How does rape become something that is funny and accepted as no big deal? A perfect example of things becoming normal when they are far from it and of the clear lines being blurred beyond recognition.
Thank you Adam and Sally I agree, comparison, compromise and conniving are all contributing to the collection of convenient certainties or deceits. The truth on the other hand stands up without any conveniences or compromise and is complete in considering all equally and unifying.
I very much agree Sally, things are becoming normal that are totally out of control and we do not have the inner sensitivity to feel that we are so off track, having built walls and walls around us to protect us from the harshness of the world. So it is simply time to bring down these walls brick by brick to feel and bring out the preciousness and sensitivity that there is in every single one of us. The more of us who take down their walls the more others will trust that there is no need for walls of protection in this world. That we can be in our delicate beauty and be with each other.
Beautiful Esther. My daughter needed to be held after sharing about her day at school, she was headland reminded of how precious she is and that so much of what she sees and hears at school is not normal. It is as you say boys and girls protecting themselves from who they truly are and in doing so accepting behaviours that deeply hurt themselves and others.
I agree Sally This is a very beautiful and true description of how we loose truth in our relationships and amongst society.
Yes Sally, I agree, how can it be possible that one doesn’t connect to the absolute violation of what took place. Comparison is poisoning and sets up what is called ‘desensitization’, an evil that grows like a virus. A slow whittling away of the truth in repeated situations, actions, conversations, words or deeds until a person feels justified in the choices they are making regardless of the damaging effects of those choices. Adam, thank you for this very exposing blog.
Desensitisation an evil that grows like a virus ch1956 what a perfect description of what is happening on a global scale.
That is a strong example you share of your daughters experience and of what Adam wrote: ‘Comparison leads to compromise. Compromise leads to the acceptance of something that is less, and before long truth not only gets diluted, it no longer even appears on the horizon of our awareness.’
What are we allowing if we even find examples like rape ‘normal’? Like the scale is gliding in the wrong way and this takes the focus away from a less obvious not loving relationship.
Agree Sally, we have normalized abuse and the lines are blurred and the abuse we take on is measured by the more abusive or more violent behavior of others. I know of girls who have been raped at parties and do not report to the police or anybody because they don’t want to be the “stupid girl that got raped” and with this be stigmatized forever as pathetic and weak. We have come to a point where criminal abusive behavior is openly lived, gossiped and laughed about if you were not able to prevent yourself from becoming a victim.
Sally human life is rapidly becoming valueless.
The comparison of ‘well at least its not as bad as..’ or ‘they’re doing it’ is one such normal approach to life that we have accepted. Even if knowing it really isn’t OK we go along with the current fearing to ever step out and stand in Truth, in declaration whether something may be normal it most certainly may not make it OK.
Horrific what we choose to accept, and it just gets worse and worse. Comparison does lead to compromise…We want to be as cool as someone else, but we know to be cool we’ll have to do something or accept something that isn’t cool…so we do it, and in that moment we’ve comprimised everything we know to be true about ourselves and the world, and the cycle begins.
That is truly horrible to hear Sally, but therein lies the very point. We live in constant reaction to the extremes of such evil – that in truth are easy to see – and whilst we remain in reaction, we do not allow ourselves to see the many myriad of ways that evil creeps through the back door in our own lives. And so we live our ‘good’ and ‘well meaning’ lives. We have our family gatherings, connect with friends, take on a job that we believe is of service, give our small donations towards saving the whales, express our disdain for the corrupt politician and the murderer, but do not for a second stop and consider that the life we live is not true. So, it is not so much that such extremes as the one you have mentioned end up becoming normal that is the true issue, but the fact that we end up seeing such “good” ideals as charity and benevolence as being the highest form of expression. For compared to the filth of rape, the philanthropist stands on an untouchable and unquestionable cloud of moral superiority, unable to see that their life is no more true than that of the petty criminal. It is just more sophisticated in the way it presents, but no less of a lie.
Early this year, there was a huge push for donations to assist the people in Kathmandu recover from the devastating earthquake. Yesterday I read that not one cent – that is correct, not one cent – has yet been spent, caught up as the money has been in bureaucracy and administration. In short, the government is afraid to spend the money before a huge and cumbersome system of accountability is put in place to ensure that the money is not squandered. So much for charity. And yet, I am sure, all those who contributed financially at the time are now going about their lives feeling like they did some good to change the world. Nay, charity for the most part is a self serving exercise to make one feel better about the fact that what they are truly living is not true.
Wow Sally, what a sad example of what Adam has clearly outlined as the evil of comparison. It is easy to see how the boys discussing what happened has been diluted to no big deal. Anyone reading this can pause briefly and connect to their heart and feel the true harm and devastation of this event.
That is truly horrible to hear Sally, but therein lies the very point. We live in constant reaction to the extremes of such evil – that in truth are easy to see – and whilst we remain in reaction, we do not allow ourselves to see the many myriad of ways that evil creeps through the back door in our own lives. And so we live our ‘good’ and ‘well meaning’ lives. We have our family gatherings, connect with friends, give our small donations towards saving the whales, express our disdain for the corrupt politician and the murderer, but do not for a second stop and consider that the life we live is not true. So, it is not so much that such extremes as the one you have mentioned end up becoming normal that is the true issue, but the fact that we end up seeing such “good” ideals as charity and benevolence as being the highest form of expression. For compared to the vile and filth of rape, the philanthropist stands on an untouchable and unquestionable cloud of moral superiority, unable to see that their life is no more true than that of the petty criminal. It is just more sophisticated in the way it presents, but no less of a lie.
Early this year, there was a huge push for donations to assist the people in Kathmandu recover from the devastating earthquake. Yesterday I read that not one cent – that is correct, not one cent – has yet been spent, caught up as the money has been in bureaucracy and administration. In short, the government is afraid to spend the money before a huge and cumbersome system of accountability is put in place to ensure that the money is not squandered. So much for charity. And yet, I am sure, all those who contributed financially at the time are now going about their lives feeling like they did some good to change the world. Nay, charity for the most part is a self serving exercise to make one feel better about the fact that what they are truly living is not true.
Beautiful Adam an awesome blog exposing the evils of comparison. Reading your blog has led me to realise that I still very often go into comparison and as I sit here and write this comment, I can feel the true murkiness and deceit of it. Comparison offers us a scapegoat to not live and fully embrace what is true.
I agree Donna. ‘Comparison offers us a scapegoat to not live and fully embrace what is true.’ – as we excuse ourselves to accept responsibility for the unloving choices that we are making for ourselves and with others. We don’t want to be honest and admit that we are settling for less and conveniently seek other lesser evils to compare and measure ourselves with. With this our measure and marker of truth is diminished and as Adam said so well – ‘Edges are no longer crisp, and clarity is lost in a haze of moral ambiguity.’ This is not who we are, and our bodies, through the rise of illness and dis-ease in our society, reflects this as we are not living in harmony with the greatness of Love that we are.
‘Comparison offers us a scapegoat to not live and fully embrace what is true.’
Well Said Donna – comparison seeps into all aspects of life and gives of an illusionary wild card or irresponsibility. It gets me with food where by I think it’s OK to eat some dates because at least its not a chocolate or something worse like alcohol or drugs. But the reality is that it is still abuse in my body and takes me out of stillness and into raciness.
True Donna – comparison allows us to justify anything. We can compare what we do with something that we see as worse, saying “at least I don’t do that”. This is rather than acknowledging the truth of what we feel in our heart as the only true marker of where we are at.
Absolutely agree Donna, how easily we choose comparison yet when we do we seldom see that this act in itself places a divide making it a life of us and them. How can we even begin to bring love into our lives when we choose to see others as less. A great blog that makes one begin to ponder the true nature of the way we live. As you state “Comparison offers us a scapegoat to not live and fully embrace what is true.”