When I was a child I never had to worry because I always had something that looked like a big chunky lump of glass with me, and this was my greatest treasure.
It was fully mine and easy to take with me wherever I went. No one was jealous or wished to take it away from me, as they could not see any worth in it.
But for me it was everything as I could play the most amazing games with it… it would become an iceberg or a mountain, or whatever I imagined it to be. I would constantly grow from experiencing incredible adventures with it.
When I was sad, a ray of sunlight would fall on it and would be reflected back in all the colours of the rainbow and there was no other possibility than finding my joy again, as I loved those rainbow colours and their playful presence so much.
Later, when I grew up and realised that no one seemed to understand that this ‘lump of nothing’ meant the world to me, I started to doubt its value and simply forgot about it.
It was nearly 25 years later, during a Retreat with Chris James, that I suddenly encountered the glass lump again. At first I was shocked when I realised that it was not glass at all; it is a giant diamond in the rough.
Instead of feeling joy when rediscovering such a treasure, I felt anxiety of what the others might think about it: if they would be jealous, try to take it from me, or if I might destroy it when playing with it again just as I did in my childhood – totally free, without thinking about anything.
When I was a child I felt just naturally free in my body and never thought about why or how I moved. That day I felt so clumsy and insecure that I just did not dare to play with something that delicate.
Whilst pondering about that, sitting on a chair on the terrace, trying to compose a childhood song – as was the task set by Chris – and processing my head off with doubts about myself, all of a sudden an inspiration on feet came along.
This was a friend, who is one of the most inspiring women I have ever met. She glided down the stairs, impeccably and yet so simply dressed, barefoot and with utmost grace continuing to float her way through the park.
She was just with herself, focussed on the task that had to be completed, not thinking about the world around her or how she looked but moving with awe-inspiring grace and beauty.
Seeing her shine in this aureole of glory caused me to feel a love and the wish to simply adore her with all that I could bring; something I have never felt for a woman – expressing as a gay man in this life.
She made it tangible for me that love is so much more than gender or sexual preferences and that when we meet a person who deeply touches us, anything other than love is irrelevant – it is only us who choose how deep we are prepared to go and how many hurts and concepts we are to overcome along the way.
Somehow this gave me enormous confidence and I decided to no longer worry about my diamond, but to put it in my pocket and just wait and see what would unfold. I began playing with it every now and then, cautiously at first and then more and more confident. And boy oh boy, what unfolded next made the magic of God become more tangible for me.
The next day I was, seemingly out of nothing, met by a man who just went beyond any fears or concepts and who expressed openly with the most simple and honest words.
At first I panicked and wanted to back off, but then I opened up and let crumble down, one by one, nearly all the walls of protection I had so painstakingly built around my heart.
The embrace we shared seemed endless, step by step inspiring each other to dare to go deeper and deeper and express more and more of what we were feeling in each other’s presence, nearly no words needed, just an embrace and yet so much more.
The gestures and movements were very small yet so full of care and support like I could not remember having felt before. It was as if we had known each other and held each other for ages.
We inspired each other to step by step open up to be who we really were behind all those layers of habits, ideals and beliefs with which we usually veil our true self.
What he shared with me from his body at that moment was that my diamond was not only a priceless treasure but even more; something that I could polish into a true gem and develop joy in wearing it for all to see and enjoy.
This gem is there for me to look at and to remind me of the colours of the rainbow whenever I might doubt myself, and that it is always there, around my neck shining, glittering and colourfully sparkling with every ray of light that might fall onto it; reflecting to others that this joyful display of magic they see is nothing but a reflection of their own light they are shining towards me.
This diamond is my own unique preciousness.
It is something I can never lose, but just forget about. No one can take it from me, as it will not shine on them as it does on me. And deep inside they all know this and that they don’t have to grab it, as we all have our own gem that suits each of us best – a unique gem which has been custom made.
The list of all wonderful persons to say thank you to would fill a roll of wallpaper, so just one big warm and simple hug to everyone who inspired me to find my preciousness again and to allow my diamond to sparkle every day by shining their rays of light on it.
By Michael Kremer, Personal Assistant, Buchholz, Germany