I used to live in a world of blame, drive, struggle, anxiousness and images of how life should look in regards to career, marriage, children and family. This brought in comparison, judgement and jealousy. I was not willing to take full responsibility for my choices along the way. When things did not go to plan according to the image I had in my head, I would blame something, someone, or the situation.
The concept of self-care was never in my world. For me it was all about achieving the successful end goal. I had an arrogance about me of being able to play roles and perform tasks like men, and in disregard of my body I would lift heavy tables, boxes and bags. I prided myself how I could do DIY work around the house, from minor electrics, to fixing things, to putting wardrobes up etc.
This had started from when I was young; I wanted to be seen and recognised by my father that I was no less than a man. I would watch my dad with all the work he did around the home. I took on subjects at school like electronics and physics at the age of thirteen; I was the only girl in these classes. I pursued these subjects until university. I then chose to study Information Systems engineering. During this period, I had the determination to be like men.
What I had not realised until the last five years was that the momentum I was living in was harming my body. My body had become very hard and rigid, my periods were painful and then I developed endometriosis.
Looking back at this, it is no surprise: how could my reproductive system be open and alive when throughout my teens to my mid-thirties I was choosing to be so shut down and driven? I had little connection to what it meant to live as a woman, and what I have to offer in this female body. I had completely sold out to being like how many men choose to live – hard, in control, in protection, dominating, and driven.
It all changed for me around the age of thirty-five – and a few years into my marriage – when my husband and I wanted to have children. My body was not responding so we went through IVF. When that failed I was devastated. I had already been seeing an Esoteric practitioner, as she was a friend of mine, and I had started to work on myself, knowing there was something more to life than the way I had been choosing to live. But when I dropped low after the IVF failed, I decided to attend the presentations held by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
From the first moment I met Serge I could feel the pain and deep sadness in my body come up and as he spoke, tears started rolling down my face. At the time I did not understand what was happening and why I was feeling like this, but I felt inside that what he was offering was what I was missing – my connection to truth.
At the end of the course something made me go up to Serge to say thank you and he gave me a hug. In that hug he gave me these words of wisdom: “Be Love.” Those words have stayed in my body ever since and that was a start to my healing journey. I had felt the truth and absoluteness of that connection to Love, something I have not ever remembered feeling before, and I knew then that it was now up to me to start the journey of healing my past hurts. So I started to attend more presentations and continued to have Esoteric Healing sessions.
Through the presentations I began to understand what true self-care and self-love meant. This I took back and started to implement into my life. I started to attend women’s presentations as well; I was committed to working on myself. The journey has not been easy but the love and support I have received from everyone has been amazing, and this has allowed me to go deeper into surrendering to who I truly am. As the years went by, the words I personally needed to embody were always shared in presentations by Serge, at just the time when I needed to hear them.
What it all came down to was taking responsibility for all my choices and to connect to my stillness and to fully express myself. Over the last five years my body has gone through so many changes, from healing endometriosis, emotional issues, and relationship issues, to changing how I work and relate to others. For the first time in my life I can feel my connection to my sacredness as a woman.
And this is just the beginning…
By Amita Khurana, BA Honours, Hotel Business Owner, Director, Practitioner/Therapist, Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk UK