Observing how many adults act around children, I have noticed there is a common tendency to treat them as being lesser. This comes from a belief that a child is born empty and that as he/she accumulates experience, knowledge and skills, only then does the child become worthy of being considered equal. Sometimes this may not occur until they reach their mid-twenties or above! I remember as a teenager aching to be older so that I could be taken seriously and without being dismissed as inferior.
There is an adult propensity to dismiss a child and all that they have to offer, because in our arrogance, we believe that they don’t have very much to offer at all yet, and that we have to instill in them everything we want to see come out of them.
We are of the belief that a child is an empty vessel, starting from scratch, and that it is up to us to fill them up with knowledge and teach them the ‘right’ way to behave. Many parents also hold the belief that kids are too young to understand, too young to be aware, too young to know what the right and important choices are, or just simply, they need to be protected.
But what if our children are born already full, wise and knowing and we don’t give them the opportunity to recognise this, articulate this and live this?
As adults we tend to also hold the superiority card, believing that because we have lived longer and because we say so, we are therefore wiser, deserve more respect and expect children to simply do as they are told.
Quite often this can be communicated to a child with dismissiveness, frustration or anger. This whole approach to children is also reinforced by the education system, so that it is rare for a child to be consistently confirmed for who they truly are.
When a child is treated in this manner, how does this actually make the child feel? I know when I was a child I was quite crushed, to say the least.
There can be three ways a child can cope with this – either they can:
- Give up and withdraw
- Rebel or
- Conform
I remember feeling of very little worth and always feeling like I had to prove myself, yet at the same time not get in the way. I chose option C – I conformed! I became ‘good’ at following the rules… doing my homework, doing as I was told, even when I didn’t want to, and telling others what they wanted to hear at the expense of how I was feeling. I buried my true self and my true voice, feeling that I wouldn’t be understood or that I wouldn’t be listened to. When I did show my true feelings, I felt they were not really respected and whenever I did voice things that were deeply heartfelt, they were quite often derided as being too innocent and naïve.
The consequence of the above choices ultimately only undermined my own sense of self-worth because I was constantly compromising myself. Furthermore, in not understanding that it was in my own reactions and choices that I was eroding my sense of self worth, not necessarily how I was being treated, I went into feeling like a victim of life.
It was clear to me that no matter how ‘good’ I was, I was never going to be able to achieve the recognition and love that I was seeking from the adults around me.
It didn’t occur to me that I could love and confirm myself for myself. As a result I placed a lot of expectations on myself, and as I grew up into a young woman I derived a lot of recognition and satisfaction from being efficient at work and getting the job done well (a little arrogance was formed as a result) – a poor substitute for the love I was really craving.
But what if we were to honour our children for who they are and not what they do? How would this then make a child feel?
What if we stop for a moment to consider our children – and I mean, really consider them as an equal to adults? What if we stopped to consider the vastness of what they perfectly bring just by being who they are?
What if we stopped to consider that when they are born they are already whole; that they are already glorious and are already little bundles of huge wisdom and lived experience. What if we stopped to consider that by having them in our families they are an enormous singular and unique addition to the whole, with the potential of contributing their amazing piece of the jigsaw that makes up the one humanity?
I know that when I hold my children in equality and value everything within them, they feel:
Loved
Held
Cherished
Respected
Confident to express
Allowed to make mistakes
Allowed to claim they are imperfect
Allowed to accept themselves as they are
Open to others
Open to love
Open to giving and open to receiving
Open to being themselves.
When they meet new people they don’t hold back from expressing confidently and truthfully. They don’t get caught up in the cycle of feeling inadequate and worthless because they are a child. They don’t get caught up with cliques and jealousy over friends; they are open to all and play equally with all. In their naturalness they inspire so many adults and other children around them as they constantly inspire me.
Within our families we have access to so much love, wisdom and common sense simply through our children, so when I hear the adult response claiming that children do not know, or are too young to be self-aware, I beg to differ. The truth is, children are very aware, and very self-aware, but because the trend isn’t to allow children to give voice to what they are ‘feeling’, but only ‘doing’, we are missing out on a very rich and expansive vocabulary and dialogue with our young ones.
Yes – we do see a lot of ill behaviours in children, however is it possible that it is our misinterpretation of their essence that actually precipitates this behaviour? Could it be that this ill behaviour is simply a reaction to the fact that we don’t honour them – truly hear them and truly meet them for who they are?
As both a parent and teacher, I have observed how children always joyfully rise to the occasion when they are treated as equals and are given responsibility; they open up and get super engaged and are enthusiastic all the time – an absolute joy to observe.
As adults we can become arrogant with the ingrained belief that with age we have superiority because we have lived longer, but when we dismiss our children as being less, and because they end up believing this, then these consequences play out, and like a catch 22, we believe what we see, and so we go round in the same circle again and all is repeated…
As a child I remember how it felt not to be given the opportunity to put voice to everything I knew to be true, which was deeply felt, but lay buried well on into my adulthood. It was through having met Serge Benhayon and in having attended Universal Medicine workshops that I have opened up to feeling how painful shutting down my true feelings and voice as a child was for me. I am now making sure I don’t repeat the cycle with my own children. They are met and loved for who they are, and their feelings and true voice are honoured daily.
By Michelle McWaters, Bath, UK
Further Reading:
Good Parenting Skills
Receiving a Healing Through Children
The Beauty of Meeting Children and Allowing Them To Be
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
At whatever numerical age we are there is so much wisdom that is shared by children.
And we all crave love, to love, and be loved, ‘As a result I placed a lot of expectations on myself, and as I grew up into a young woman I derived a lot of recognition and satisfaction from being efficient at work and getting the job done well (a little arrogance was formed as a result) – a poor substitute for the love I was really craving.’
Michelle I resonated with this blog and I coped by rebelling and I can see not only where my siblings fitted into, but also where people around me fitted into too. This is a generational curse that is upon many families and how children are treated. When we observe the children of Serge Benhayon and his extended family, it is completely the opposite. They are considered, valued, and they have an equal say in many conversations, it is beautiful to observe.
I see newborns from the time they first open their eyes, and their eyes tell many stories or situations, it is beautiful to observe. Children definitely need to be met, for when they are, ‘their feelings and true voice are honoured daily’ – spot on of a comment.
Some parts of this blog are so common, it is quite a sad situation of how children can be so disregarded, ‘I buried my true self and my true voice, feeling that I wouldn’t be understood or that I wouldn’t be listened to.’
We are set up to go into comparison and this leads to it sister jealousy, so then from a young age we loser connection to our essences, as comparing and being jealous stops us from evolving, and thus reconnecting to God.
Greg this jealousy thing is a rife disease amongst not only siblings but people around us, when it isn’t necessary. If we continue to connect to our essence, we are connected to God and many other things, that we cannot fathom. I’d rather much be connected to God than things that separate us, a working progress…
Our children are our teachers, role models and more just as much as we are their teachers, role models and more.
There is always much that we can learn from our children.
Michelle, this is a great reminder that we should never treat anyone as lesser, and nor should we idolise or treat anyone as greater or better than us either. We are all equal, and in our lived grandness we can be an inspiration for another to live their grandness too. In our un-lived grandness we may be the reminder for another of our level of holding back living the grandness. And so we really are here as constant reflectors of life lived at part-potential or rather the fullness of who we are and constantly expanding this further.
Absolutely, we are all equal, and that is why it feels so horrible if we, or others are treated as less, or more, than equal, ‘We are all equal, and in our lived grandness we can be an inspiration for another to live their grandness too.’
I totally agree with this statement
“There is an adult propensity to dismiss a child and all that they have to offer, because in our arrogance, we believe that they don’t have very much to offer at all yet, and that we have to instill in them everything we want to see come out of them.”
This is another of my pet hates that adults can be so dismissive of children. I felt this as a child myself and I see it all the time as an adult because is it possible we don’t want to admit that actually the child is very aware and can sum up a situation faster and more accurately than we can because we do not use all the senses we are born with and they do?
Children are very connected and so naturally aware, often more so than adults.
An elder, usually gentle, gracious, kind, became unco-operative angry and resistant. The only difference was a carer unable to meet, be with her and lovingly care for her. This approach contrasted so sharply to what the client was used to, she went into reaction. Rarely are so-called behavioural problems related back to the care givers or teachers and consequences long-term for those on the receiving end can be damaging to a person’s sense of self and well-being.
What a great example of what happens when as carers or teachers we are insistent that those in our care follow our prescribed rules. In education I am acutely aware of how the kids have to keep up with the system rather than the system adapt itself to meet their needs. We then try to squash the resultant disruptive behaviour blaming the kids rather than looking at the bigger picture.
I like this reminder that every moment is fresh and it is only what we bring with us that taints things – another great lesson to learn from children.
I love this too. It brings a lightness and playfulness in that allows us to let go of what has been and just focus on this new moment.
This unbalanced relationship between adults and children is indicative of a world in which we have lost our connection to equality and the one essence we all come from. We are in truth all the same and it is wilful ignorance and arrogance that sets us up in greater or lesser, competition and comparison patterns.
Spot on Matilda, any form of comparison disconnects us from our essence, and we can look at the youth in our life as the greatest teachers in so many situations when we are open and letting everyone in, which is simply being intimate with everyone.
We all are children at heart, want to be met and acknowledged and feel the weight of being dismissed by another. It can happen in any situation. Like for example a trades man enters your home to survey work with only the survey in mind, not the person they meet and ignore or dismiss their needs. It is horrible to be shut out in this way. Then there are tradesmen who come into your home, get to know you, ask questions, listen, give information, are not in a hurry, and provide a service with attention and love. When you meet a tradesman like this you know instantly this is someone you want to work with. School children don’t have this choice, they mainly have to put up with what-ever they’re given.
Yes it is tough because they have to deal with whatever they have been handed out. They can’t walk away and rarely can they asked to have a different teacher. If the teacher is hard and the child reacts it is the child who gets the consequences, not the teacher, so quite often a child just has to accept the abuse while suffering the hurt of the injustice.
I recently read an insightful and honest book called “Someone I Used to Know” written by Wendy Mitchell, a woman living with Alzheimer’s disease. She describes her adjustment to the disease but found that some people couldn’t adjust to her. Regardless of her illness, she wanted people to relate to her as ‘still being Wendy,’ including medical practitioners. Often she felt dismissed, misunderstood, avoided or ignored. We are never an illness, and important to continue to relate to the person not an ill-health condition.
I have recently started teaching groups of young teens extra literacy classes. Their level of engagement across the school is poor which reflects in their poor behaviour in their classes. I definitely get the sense that staff don’t really know how to support them as they are having to force them through a curriculum that these kids find hard to access. The process is quite a difficult one for everyone. That said if we can meet them with where they are at, accept them for where they are at, not see them as inadequate or strugglers, but simply for the people they are they might start to open up more. It must be devestating to be met through those filters, and the ones you describe, every day by everyone you come into contact with.
Yes Michelle, teachers are faced with an almost impossible task. You show the importance of the relationship built with each child and accepting where they are at a big part of this. Maybe you could present sessions to teachers about this precious but often overlooked side teaching.
The consciousness of schools would certainly not permit this on an INSET day but a lot is offered by simply reflecting this relationship within a school as it is noted.
Yes Michelle, teachers are faced with an almost impossible task. You show the importance of the relationship built with each child and accepting where they are at a big part of this. Maybe you could present sessions to teachers about this precious but often overlooked side teaching.
Yes I remember when I was, for a very short time, in a wheel chair…it was as if a lot of people related to the wheelchair first and all that might mean and then to me second, like I was an afterthought.
Two days ago I had the pleasure of spending time with a mother and her two children aged seven and five. And although tired, the mother remained fully present with the children: she listened, guided and gave them space to be themselves. This was a family of equals communicating with and respectful of each other.
“Many parents also hold the belief that kids are too young to understand, too young to be aware, too young to know what the right and important choices are, or just simply, they need to be protected” ‘Out of the mouths of babes’…..we would do well to listen to our young children. They have much true wisdom to share.
It is astounding how little people truly feel and listen. Our own busyness, mental preoccupations and accelerated lives have de-sensitised us to the extent we miss clear signs of distress in another, simply because we have dis-connected from the love that we all truly are.
I find this astounding too. Within my profession I see children being dismissed constantly simply because staff don’t make the time to listen. There was an incident in my son’s school the other day and I asked if he had asked for support. He told me there was no point as teachers don’t do anything. When we fail to connect to the deep feelings of injustice children encounter every day (and they do feel so utterly raw every day) we are telling them that what they know to be true is not worth it/invalid. When we give children just a few moments we confirm them and then we can get on with the business at hand. Without that confirmation as a foundation the results of that business have a very different outcome.
“When we give children just a few moments we confirm them and then we can get on with the business at hand’ We often fail to understand that giving, listening and confirming others is an essential and equal part of the business of life.
Within the consciousness that runs schools, getting through the curriculum and squeezing kids through on a conveyer belt of learning and outcomes, we are failing to meet them in the way that they need to be met. It really doesn’t take long for a child to clock if the teacher before them is more interested in them or invested in what they can achieve.
It is no wonder many children give up on themselves and ‘go off the rails’. And sad that when they do, it is almost expected with no one concerned about this lost generation of teenagers, especially boys.
I have never really understood why we haven’t made the true welfare of our children our collective responsibility. The equation is simple – empowered, self loving kids grow into empowered, self loving adults who then go on to run our businesses, institutions and homes.
We disconnect from the love we know in the hurt of not seeing it reflected around us and in not being met in it we shut down to it, saying ‘stuff it, I’ll just do what I can for me’. We may or may not have a conscious memory of doing so but in that disconnection something else has to fill it – we align the to a different consciousness that won’t allow us to see or be open to the real choice we made.
While we are in it, it is hard or near impossible to admit that we are unless someone who has broken free of it comes along and lives something different for us to see. Once we can see we have been fooled by a different consciousness, then there is much more of a willingness to explore it.
Yes Doug, rarely said but true ‘we knew we were equal then even if adults didn’t respect it’ Another example of how the innate qualities we have as children are imposed upon and squashed by adults until we forget who we intrinsically are.
And is it any wonder we lose our self worth along the way, ‘The consequence of the above choices ultimately only undermined my own sense of self-worth because I was constantly compromising myself. Furthermore, in not understanding that it was in my own reactions and choices that I was eroding my sense of self worth, not necessarily how I was being treated, I went into feeling like a victim of life.’
Great question Doug. Our short term memories (or choice to ignore what we know) is a weird skill to have developed.
The more settled I am in myself the more I enjoy listening as part of true communication. All the trying to formulate the next great thing to say is dispelled because I can feel the importance of really hearing another and there is the bonus of developing the skill of listening and often hearing all that is not being said out loud.
Being settled in ourselves is the foundation that supports us to truly listen to others. In this way we open ourselves to fully be with another, feel nuances, including the unspoken and receive pearls of wisdom offered to us.
Being settled in ourselves is paramount no matter the circumstance.
“There is an adult propensity to dismiss a child and all that they have to offer, because in our arrogance, we believe that they don’t have very much to offer at all yet…” When my children were small, they would sometimes come out with things that were so wise, and I would wonder how on earth they knew what they were saying, but they made so much sense. Its so important to honour our children when they have something to say, as by dismissing them we can colour the rest of their lives with doubt about who they are and what they know.
Yes – so often in the faced paced world we have created adults don’t often give children the space to express at their own pace. If we wait and are patient, hold children in that space allowing them time to get their words out, their considered responses can be utter gold.
Michelle, very much the same when working with elders. Often they move and express at a pace different to our own and some only able to express non-verbally. Patience is the quality that best supports us to be with them fully, match their pace, never hurrying or wanting to move on to the next. When we create space we’re blessed by their wisdom grace.
How often when we engage in conversation do we make it all about ourselves? If we were to offer the basic courtesy of really listening to another, of holding them in a space that is fully accepting of where they are at, I feel all our interactions would be different..
Some of the greatest wisdom I have heard has come from children around me, to meet children as equals they do not feel imposed upon to perform to please others.
When a child feels listened to the wisdom that comes out can be totally awesome. If we as adults practice the art of listening we are the ones who receive the blessing, not necessarily just the child who feels s/he has been met.
And this goes on very much so in the rest of our life, often we as adults don’t truly listen to each other, most of us are in it for ourselves, to reply what we feel or get our say or the attention. Truly listening and seeing each other as equals is important whatever age we are.
When we don’t allow children a voice, we cap their expression and also their ability to express what they feel, it leads them into self doubt because no one is confirming what they feel or learning from what they know to be true.
“But what if we were to honour our children for who they are and not what they do? How would this then make a child feel?” I can feel the child within me opening up with my arms wide and saying YES PLEASE.
Yes, I am sure the child in all of us craves this, ‘what if we were to honour our children for who they are and not what they do? How would this then make a child feel?’