794 thoughts on “The Truth about the Cycle of Abuse”

1. So so much gold.

   “ What about refusing to care for yourself deeply and expecting (or manipulating) someone else to do this for you? Does that constitute abuse? Absolutely.

   The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…

   We have been sold a very skewed message of what love actually IS!! We have been told that love is something reserved for a particular person or group of people whom we hold above all else. But the truth is…

   Love is actually who we are!

   And it is our responsibility to hold, honour, cherish and nurture that quality in ourselves, moment-to-moment and day-to-day! When we accept this responsibility we can begin to heal,”

   An earthquake of love and beyond paradigm shift.

2. What an incredibly powerful insight this honest account shines a light on. Ouch to read and recognise parts of my life that are laced with similar cycles and veils. The familiar trick of an outward focus rather than checking and deepening the quality with which we hold ourselves, which is the only quality, care, movement, or expression we hold sway over. So much highlighted here that wreaks of entanglement and hiding ones true forever agency – and reclaiming our agency and responsibility in full, disentangled from old ingrained worn out toxic ways, one self loving and loving choice and moment at a time. Feeling the turning of the tide of awareness, perspective and action of this author- from her lived authority – is inspiring to the point of liberation from an encasing lie.

3. When we start to understand Love then we are starting on the path of returning to the amazingness we all equally are and thus we are all able to appreciate energetically the shift in our awareness to the Truth about Love and what it brings to our lives.

4. Very true, ‘The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…’

5. How we are and have been with ourselves is always connected with what plays out in our lives, ‘I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me and I now know the very step I need to take to break the cycle of abuse.’

6. This statement reinforced it for me, ‘the fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse’. This blog is a great reminder that we allow so much abuse into our lives. Some is so subtle that we wouldn’t even realise it was there until we become honest with ourselves. When it is in our awareness, that we become sensitive to it and recognise it more and more.

   As with anything, we observe it more and more, and when we are prepared to look at this within our selves, we realise that we are the creators of our own miseries. So at the end of the day we have a responsibility to ourselves which then reflects to another.

   There are so many cycles we are stuck in until we come to the realisation that we are love, and thats it, and then nothing less will do.

   1. We are powerful, so could we be responsible for our distress, and abuse, ‘I have, in fact, chosen to be in abusive relationships all my life… and that the abuse was not first and foremost coming from anyone ‘out there’ but rather, it has been first and foremost coming from… ME!’ What an understanding to come to.

7. “how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back” A revealing aspect of ‘supply and demand’.

   1. Mary this supply and demand is everywhere, the list is endless. It is only when we say enough and then we come to realisation there is more to life then this.

      Observe more and you will see more.

   2. Absoulutely, Mary it is the conditions we place on ourselves and others that is demanding, and when bring our Loving-ness to all we can only look forward to our Love deepening.

8. So well said Shirley-Ann – when we play such emotional games on ourselves this is indeed a form of abuse. And how important is this to recognise and to then know we can stop this at any time.

   1. Awareness, and recognising the patterns at play is so important, ‘what I hadn’t read, or rather taken FULL responsibility for, was how I was being and expressing in every moment.’

9. There can only be a perpetrator if someone plays the victim – this is the game we are all privy to playing – once we realise this, we are free to choose to just simply be who we are, no holes barred so to speak.

10. Thank you Anon for sharing what you have shared here – it is a common theme for us all to blame another rather than take responsibility for ourselves and understand the part that we have played in whatever has unfolded. It is an ‘easy way out’ or at least appears to be the ‘easy way out’ when in reality it just makes our life more miserable – how much more simple would it be to simply accept our responsibility and then see what our role is? And yet despite knowing this we still make such choices…the true conundrum of modern man that creates the human condition that we know life to be.

    1. It is always important to look at our part in what plays out, to take responsibility, ‘ it is a common theme for us all to blame another rather than take responsibility for ourselves and understand the part that we have played in whatever has unfolded.’

11. It is amazing when we realise how much of our reality we are the creators of. We get to realise the power we actually hold and want to deny.

    1. Seeing what started the abuse, and our movements beforehand, is always valuable, ‘that how I had expressed had come loaded with victim or martyr energy; already resigned to the belief I would neither be met nor supported!
       So in this scenario, I expressed in a less than lovely way, my partner reacted in a less than lovely way and voila – cycle of abuse played out.’

12. Recently I split from an abusive relationship on these very grounds. While the other person didn’t see arguing and blaming as abusive I did because it felt horrible. I would even throw in sarcasm and loaded comments into the abuse basket as well.

    1. ❤ Absoulutely, Leigh, when we are faced with a Loveless situation we can only pour more Love and trust that the reflection will bring a deepening relationship where we both are feeling the energetic pull of evolution.️

13. Thanks for your comment Shirley-Ann. When we can truly feel something as abusive, and let go of feeling it is ‘normal’ we have so much inspiration and clarity to change. The more we can live lovingly the more the love within us exposes these common human conditions as abuse.

14. It’s a confronting but essential read. it brings in a level of honesty that allows us to see how we may participate, even subtly, in cycles of abuse. And it can be helpful to consider why we may instigate abusive situations, which may at times be due to a deepening of love on offer which we can react to, leading to the opposite happening such as an argument. I love the self awareness on offer here, and willingness to be honest and bring more love to ourselves and others.

15. You certainly have opened up the doorway to more, and often, very subtle, forms of abuse Shirley-Ann. And I am sure there are so many more forms if we honestly look at the way we live. One for me is procrastination, the delaying of completing tasks, which then has me beating (abusing) myself up, for putting off what needs to be to done; this one is a double whammy, one that could very easily be avoided by making a different and more caring choice at any stage. Still a work-in-progress but a very valuable one.

16. I so agree, that focussing on what we perceive to be ‘wrong’ in the other person in a relationship is “a BIG DISTRACTION from facing, feeling and healing the deep hurts” in us. In fact, it is the ultimate distraction which builds an impermeable wall behind which we hide those hurts that we are carrying, hurts that are being exposed in the relationship. The big wake-up call for me was when, after my second long-term relationship ended I realised I could no longer solely blame my partners for what had played out over the years, as I was the common denominator in both relationships, so maybe it was time for me to take a long, honest look at my part in the relationships not continuing; one of the best wake-up calls ever!

    1. Many people will look for faults in another and not look at their part in the situation, ‘I have lived many relationships in a way that focused on ‘their’ issues, ‘their’ faults, and ‘their’ shortcomings. This has been a BIG DISTRACTION from facing, feeling and healing the deep hurts in me and acknowledging how those hurts translate into non-loving expressions’.

17. We always have to take responsibility for our part in what is going on – simple as that. When you combine that with expressing how we are feeling (lovingly so) its a powerful combination.

    1. I love the simplicity of what you have shared here Simon – thank you! Part of taking responsibility is about expressing truth and lovingly so, this cannot be more simple and true – for expression is everything.

18. Thank you, this is one of those blogs that has stuck with me that I enjoy reading again and again. It’s an interesting difference between saying “abuse” and saying “cycle of abuse” as a cycle infers that’s it’s more than one person involved and repeating, which opens us up to our own sort in the cycle and the responsibility to make changes. I can also relate to this line in all kinds of relationships “When I have made my partner’s issues the focus of my ‘love’ attention and ‘care’ – rather than responsibly choosing to love, honour and care for me – it has been super-imposing!” We really need to get on with loving and caring for ourselves, which gives people around us space instead of the imposition of expectations, needs, and demands.

    1. Very true Melinda, ‘We really need to get on with loving and caring for ourselves, which gives people around us space instead of the imposition of expectations, needs, and demands.’

19. When we find these ‘patterns’ it is worth getting support to deal with them for they can be lifetimes old.

20. We express our displeasure with no responsibility, predictably someone else reacts, and voila – we have an abusive relationship… be that mother and son, husband and wife, work colleagues, friends, the media, politics etc etc. There are millions of these tiny fracas, and they are all adding to the abuse – and the only way to shift this juggernaut is to start with our relationships.

21. It is difficult to open your eyes and see it for what it is if you are the abuser – the majority of us hate being the victim of it, but how many of us are willing to admit the fact that we could be the instigators?

22. We see here how responsibility runs deeply in everything that is valid and true.

23. The more love we feel the more the parameters of abuse shift. We cannot abuse ourselves when we are loving ourselves, and abuse stands out very sharply. Interestingly when we are so-called “in love’ we are in a cloud euphoria where we can conveniently ignore what we would otherwise not willingly accept – this shows how falling in love really is a falling and abuse can start by merely overlooking something we are not totally comfortable with.

24. “But what I hadn’t read, or rather taken FULL responsibility for, was how I was being and expressing in every moment.” What a refreshing way to look at and understand our relationships, that although we play equal parts, there is always something for us to look at within ourselves and where we can take responsibility for how we communicate and the way we behave.

    1. And maybe look at how we are with ourselves, ‘we must deeply and honestly look into how we are and have been, firstly with ourselves.’

25. The foundation of all relationships is the relationship we have with ourselves, and if there is any abuse in the one with ourselves it will inevitably flow on into those with others. Taking responsibility for our part in any relationship is the starting point to heal what is being presented to us. So if we deeply and unconditionally love ourselves then there can be no abuse, as abuse and love cannot co-exist.

    1. I’ve really been feeling this Ingrid even in the quality of energy someone brings into a relationship. As lovely as someone may be if they are self abusive and self neglectful that is what their body brings and expresses to everyone they meet, and if someone is self loving then that is the quality that others feel from that person. It really turns everything on its head to return to the energetic truth behind things because it’s seen as such a good ideal to place others before ourselves, when in fact we just contribute a loveless quality of energy in our body for everyone around us to experience. If we want to bring the love we are to others we bring that self loving quality to ourselves first so the love is then there in our body.

       1. I am starting to see more clearly, that when we live in a body of love there is nothing untoward that can make its way into us, unless we give it permission, as it is clearly identified as it comes close. Anything that is not love is naturally exposed and so we have a choice in that moment, to say yes to it or not. So why would we choose to say yes to something that is love-less, as it is the very antithesis of everything we innately are – and that is love.

26. “When we give from a place of neediness with the underlying intention to get something back, it is not actually a true expression of love but rather it is manipulation.” – And when we manipulate and try to control we are abusing both ourselves and our partner, because anything that is not true love is abuse, a responsibility that we all hold.

27. “How I had expressed had come loaded with victim or martyr energy; already resigned to the belief I would neither be met nor supported” – I can so relate to this. And in that frustration, I keep confirming the righteousness of my own judgment and struggle – and even though what I have expressed might have a very valid point, it wouldn’t get heard and no one evolves. And deep down there lies my need for love to be reflected back but it is my job to confirm myself in love.

28. “Without needs, without expectations, a true relationship can blossom: based on the true relationship that we’ve taken the time to nurture with ourselves, first!” A beautiful realisation that self-love opens the door to sharing your love with others.

    1. Since we are love, that makes sense, ‘Love is actually who we are!’

29. Something that i have learnt is that everything we do to ourselves we are doing to our partner, those closest to us and ultimately everybody else. So we cannot go out and disregard ourselves during the day and then come back home to our partner and expect to be loving or for them not to have felt what happen with us earlier. We also cannot ever close off go into a room and think what we do will just affect us, as the ripples go out regardless of what we may want or think and if we are not fully in control of the energy we are choosing we have no say in how destructive and harming these ripples are.

    1. Indeed James – its time to put the big stick down that we use to beat ourselves up with, in case we start applying the same thing to other people!

       1. We definitely do not want to apply it to others especially as we know how harming it is to ourselves. Something I am seeing more clearly now though is when I bash myself I am also bashing all those around me as I then take this energy to them. It is not something I have wanted to see but have needed to see.

30. To accept responsibility for the part we have played in any relationship that has been abusive on any level is a great step towards true healing.

31. Anon, your two first paragraphs are absolute revelation and game changers. To own up to the fact that we are never and cannot be a victim of any sort, that there is always our own part in the creation of it is enormous, can be painful and difficult but at the same time it will free us of the patterns and reoccurring situations in our lives and empower us to make the necessary changes.

32. Exposing the minutiae of abuse and even though this type slips by relatively unnoticed as it does not look like the big ones (physical and strong verbal abuse i.e. yelling) it is absolutely abuse. We need more conversations like these to expose these type of abuse so the reader has the opportunity to reflect on the level of abuse in their own lives.

33. It was a revelation to understand the blame I heaped on others stemmed from my own lack of self love. Now, when I react or feel unease, I rarely blame others, but seek to understand by looking within to see how I’ve contributed to tensions.

    1. Loving, caring and nurturing ourselves supports us to share this with another, ‘What about refusing to care for yourself deeply and expecting (or manipulating) someone else to do this for you? Does that constitute abuse? Absolutely.’

34. Abuse is a door we can only personally unlock and seal, a door where we abusively love to drag others, to be with us. Abuse brings comfort to the one that says yes to.

35. Making the decision not to have abuse in your life in any way is setting a new standard, and once you have set it, the standard develops and develops, including any self-abuse, and even what you consider to be abuse.

    1. Its a great point Heather, and a standard that all can then follow.

36. And when we allow the connection with ourselves, True love can blossom, and true relationships can indeed happen

37. Its quite something to be willing to accept that it is we who have been abusing ourselves that allows another to abuse us. This is not something that most of us want to admit to, but when we do it becomes clear to understand how abuse is then self perpetuated, but more importantly that we are the ones in the driving seat and can turn the tables on no longer letting abuse in to our lives.

38. Spot on Brendan, the abuse of ‘good’ can go undetected yet it is far more harming than the more obvious forms of abuse.

39. Many people settle for arrangements, preferring to stay stuck in the comfort rather than the evolution that is offered when we begin to live in true relationships. To break free of the abusive cycle we have been a part of takes honesty and commitment, and yes we are gifted with many blessings when we take this true and loving path.

40. I love your honesty Anonymous for when we wake up to the fact that we can and do actually abuse ourselves from the littlest of details to the overt we are able to slowly address how and why we do it and start to make more caring choices instead.

41. This blog exposes how easy the victim card is to play and how comfortable we are with doing so. It can be a pattern that is hard to see unless it is reflected back to us or we are ready to look at it.

42. “Love is actually who we are!” And this is all of us, all humanity, and, therefore, living less than loving relationships with all, including ourselves, is the abuse we accept as ‘normal’.

43. “So in this scenario, I expressed in a less than lovely way, my partner reacted in a less than lovely way and voila – cycle of abuse played out.” – I can see how adopting this approach of holding back our full expression and instead holding one for ransom would result in an endless cycle of reaction and then a reaction to the reaction! This whole cycle of abuse as described in this great blog that exposes the ridiculousness of it also uses sympathy as a weapon to then create guilt or shame in another when the ‘martyr game’ is played. These emotions are toxic to any relationship.

44. When we start to ask the the question why and look at ourselves and our choice (lovingly so), particularly with unhealthy relationships and start to unpack this that is when true healing begins.

45. Wow what an amazing revelation: “I was in an abusive relationship with my partner, and he was the perpetrator, and I the victim. I genuinely believed this, at least, until… I started getting really deeply honest and truth-full with myself”. We can go around with false ideals and beliefs for a whole life time (or more!) And then all our choices built on such a foundation will keep digging us further into the pit. The choice to be open to the little clues that life constantly gives us that there is more, and the willingness to be honest with ourselves is a great step in starting to dismantle this.

    1. Many great understandings were learnt in Anon’s relationship described in this blog, ‘When we give from a place of neediness with the underlying intention to get something back, it is not actually a true expression of love but rather it is manipulation.’

46. Until we learn about responsibility, true nature of that word, we will always be living with pictures and beliefs about what happened to us, what is happening in the world, without even considering the interconnectedness that brings clarity to all of these observations.

47. Great blog Anon. We find it so easy to blame another for how they ‘make us feel’, but as you say it is not them ‘making us feel’ anything but how we feel in ourselves first that triggers a reaction in us when something happens or words are exchanged unlovingly. By learning to not accept anything less than love for ourselves, these reactions get less and less, so that there eventually comes a time when there is no blame, but a simple acceptance of everyone and their individual relationships with themselves and others.

48. It makes sense that the quality of our relationships start with the quality we have with ourselves first and that no amount of blaming others is going to get us to take responsibility for our internal dialogue. On this, I can speak of first-hand experience when I always thought it was something my partner was doing wrong and if only he would change then my life would be perfect – well, news flash to self, it doesn’t work that way. No amount of looking outside of ourselves for the answers will bring us to the honesty of how we are with ourselves first and foremost. If we are discontented with the way things are in our lives then we are not content with ourselves – simple.

49. It can be challenging to come to the conclusion that we are all responsible for everything that happens to us in our lives, and on some level the amount of abuse in our life is dependent upon the amount of love we hold for ourselves. This blog is indicative of just how much abuse on many levels has been normalised, but also how much Universal Medicine is allowing people to see that it is anything but normal, and that if we are Love at our core, there is no room for any little bit of abuse in our lives. We need to call it out in all its subtle forms.

50. Who is the perpetrator and who is the victim when it comes to abuse? For abuse to happen it not only has to be accepted, it has to be invited. Who would invite abuse we may ask? Well, if we get deeply honest it can be quite revealing. Abuse comes in many forms and some of those forms we may choose to not only play blind to but leave the door open for.

51. Great observation, often we look at what is a ‘fault’ rather than what is the truth of someone, this does not mean blindly ignoring what is abuse, but do we meet someone for who they are in essence. This should be our starting point.

52. Whatever our crazy patterns in life are, it is a bit ‘Ouchy’ when you realise that it is something you have chosen. Yesterday when exploring intimacy at a workshop we discussed what our family’s behaviour had shown us about intimacy. I got to the point where I could see I had chosen this family as they had the patterns I have wanted to see confirmed to me for many lives. Although they may be uncomfortable or traumatic there are patterns we are familiar with and will keep choosing until we heal the need for them.

    1. Thank you for this comment Fiona, I was going to write something about the cycle of abuse my deceased parents were in for their whole married life, but would defend each other to others, Their words were very harsh towards each other and now reading this it has me asking myself why I needed to be in that situation in this lifetime.

    2. Ah I’m realising something after reading your comment Fiona. As a child I wished that my family was open and honest and that we would talk at the dinner table about what was really going on for us. My ouch moment is that, I’m still saying the same thing with my now family, but my communication and openness is something I haven’t fully looked at with my relationship with myself. How open and honest am I with myself when I keep doing and not listening to my body, or pretending I’m okay with something when I’m not. Powerful blog to support us to ask these questions.

53. We can become so self-absorbed in relationships which locks us into seeing things in a distorted way, even if there are some ‘right’ things we are perceiving our ability to observe the truth is lost. When we open up to understanding the truth is revealed and being right or wrong no longer matters.

54. Such truth that reaches the heart of many.. We all know that we hold a wisdom inside that is capable of much, open to receive the love that we are, will result in any other form of living that we can imagine.
    That is why we are forever impulsed to lead our way by living from the love and openness to be all of that again. A joy is reborn.

55. ‘What I hadn’t read, or rather taken FULL responsibility for, was how I was being and expressing in every moment’: Anon, thank you for putting this into words. I can truly relate to the distraction of looking outside of myself and blaming the other and am finding that taking FULL responsibility involves something of a sealing up of many ‘back doors’: well-trodden, habitual excuses and away-froms for the ways I don’t fully love & care for myself. An inspiring sharing, thank you.

56. This sharing comes straight to the core of abuse and all the questions to ask ourselves and see the abuse in our lives honestly and the cycle this sets up . What a real , honest and supportive sharing of the way to come to that honesty for ourselves and is a very beautiful offering for us all.

57. Thank you Brendan, from personal experience I know what you have shared here is true yet I found ideals and beliefs about family relationships, as well as the emotion of sympathy, meant I focused for many years on others to the detriment of my own health and wellbeing. One of the insidious things about such a choice is that it feels like it’s doing ‘good’ when there is actually no love involved for anyone.

58. This has been great to read again, it’s a very powerful piece on the realities of self responsibility especially in relationships. Your words here are very powerful; ‘Love is actually who we are! And it is our responsibility to hold, honour, cherish and nurture that quality in ourselves, moment-to-moment and day-to-day!’. It’s the expectations in relationships (of all kinds) for another to supply what only I can that sours the potential that’s there to be explored. It also highlights how relationships can be about the self and what the self wants and needs from a place of self imposed emptiness, or can be from a more responsible foundation of self love that views a relationship as there for true evolution and to serve humanity, and to be a healing reflection for others.

59. It is interesting how, when we do express in an understanding and lovely way, there can be no or at least very little room for old patterns to come in and to disrupt the relationship. Because ultimately, loveliness is simple and sweet and holds no one to ransom, it does not have expectations of any other, and it is content for simple divinity to be in the space between people. This is what I know and experience loveliness to be.

60. Like many words, the word abuse has change over time whereby now most would consider abuse to be violence. We don’t even commonly call bullying abuse, which is what it is. But that’s only the surface and the extremes. There are much more subtle levels of abuse that we tolerate. Initially we need to look at how we are with ourselves in all things. For any shred of self-abuse leave the door open for subtle and possibly not so subtle levels of abuse in relationships.

61. The moment we stop taking full responsibility for our part we go into right and wrong and lose our ability to observe what is true in the whole sense of what that truly means.

    1. Being right is a great place to get lost and distracted. You can stay here for a very long time, with very good reason, total justification and without having to take a look at your part. It may seem great, but really it’s quite a toxic place.

62. Anon, I can feel how easy it is to focus on someone else’s behviours rather than looking at how we are being in the relationship, this self awareness feels key; ‘what I hadn’t read, or rather taken FULL responsibility for, was how I was being and expressing in every moment.’

63. The relationships we choose are by-and-large the reflection of the choices we have made in relation to how we walk in life. They make sense within the context of movement we are already engaged in.

64. When we consider that love does not compromise, many ways in which we relate to each other are now exposed for the abuse they are…but are we ready for this level of exposure?

65. We can be so quick to judge and condemn another without taking responsibility for the way we are with ourselves and others 1st. It is up to us to set the example and lead with what we know is truth and love and thus set the standard otherwise it is as if we have 2 standards one for everyone else to live up to and another one for us to do what we want!

66. What we call from ‘normal’ is far from being normal when we start with the fact that we are love. It is only when this is our true marker that anything less than love stands out. But to feel and see this in full we 1st have to live our lives based on love, otherwise we will gage abuse based on the quality of life we are living.

    1. That’s very true James, the more we bring love into our lives the more we uncover abuse, and a key part of that is honouring how the body feels in any situation.

       1. Honouring how the body feels brings such a contented feeling no longer thinking we have to fight what we feel but rather embrace it, allow it and so honour it takes away so much tension I have lived most of my life feeling but not knowing how to really deal with.

67. “What I have discovered (or uncovered), through simply being willing to feel deeply, is that I have, in fact, chosen to be in abusive relationships all my life… and that the abuse was not first and foremost coming from anyone ‘out there’ but rather, it has been first and foremost coming from… ME!” This is very powerful to read and really all I can do is nod my head and say it was the same for me. Through making simple daily choices to change this and bring care and love into my relationship with myself this abuse of myself has ceased. Loving relationships start with having a loving relationship with ourselves.

68. More and more I have started to realise that anything less than love is abuse, ‘The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…’

69. A powerful letter to us all – regardless of our ‘partnership status’. It calls out the level of abuse we have accepted in our society and invites us to draw a new line in the sand and that it needs to start with ourselves first.

70. Relationships are a great opportunity for us to define our principles of life, what we will stand for and what we will not stand for and also what we will contribute to and what we won’t contribute to, it’s a great opportunity to take a much deeper level of responsibility for all our actions.

71. This is a great blog as it outlines a way out of the cycle of abuse through the sharing of the writer’s own lived experience . . . an experience that many can relate to.

72. The moment we lower our personal standard of quality we allow it from everyone around us, hence abuse starts first with how we treat ourselves.

73. “Have I moved gently in a way that honors my body deeply? Not always. Not even most of the time” – so valid and so true.. the more you understand love, the more you understand the extent and cycle of the abuse you’re actually in every single day.

74. Relationships always start with self first, building self love and care so we have a strong foundation to bring to our other relationships.

75. It starts with self-abuse and our unwillingness/inability to admit that a lot of our so-called ‘normal’ behaviours are in fact self-abusive. For example: when a child is tired and we refuse to let them go to sleep but forcefully keep them up we would call that abuse and sleep deprivation. But we so easily do this to ourselves, pushing ourselves past the point of enough is enough and often right into exhaustion if not a diagnosable illness. What’s the difference?

76. Whoa! This makes things very interesting if we consider that if we are not loving and honouring ourselves that this is abuse. I can really feel how true this actually is and how it plays out in life.

77. It is an important point to make that abuse can come in many forms, and so even though there may not be screaming or hitting, there can still be a sense of attack against one another, and this is something that hurts and that gets in the way of love being expressed.

78. Anon, ‘what I hadn’t read, or rather taken FULL responsibility for, was how I was being and expressing in every moment.’ I can relate to this, it is easy to blame others and to notice their unloving ways of being and focus on these rather than bringing the focus back to us and to honestly and with understanding looking at how we are being.

79. We have become accustomed to abuse meaning someone physically hitting another or being psychologically abusive, but abuse can come in many forms, and in ways that most of us would not see as abusive.

80. “Without needs, without expectations, a true relationship can blossom: based on the true relationship that we’ve taken the time to nurture with ourselves, first!” This brings me to ask the question, so what is the point of having a relationship in the first place? What are my intentions here? I know I lack deep appreciation for number one, firstly and this, I feel, is where it all starts. No-one can give you anything that you haven’t already given yourself first.

81. “Love is actually who we are! And it is our responsibility to hold, honour, cherish and nurture that quality in ourselves, moment-to-moment and day-to-day.” So true Anon. Why aren’t we taught this basic fact from a very early age? How can we have great relationships with others if we don’t first have a beautiful relationship with ourselves first?

82. And the only way to truly heal this cycle of abuse that seems to go on lifetime after lifetime is to truly know oneself, to connect with the core of our being, and to understand the deep and profound healing one has to undertake to become whole and one again

83. When patterns of behaviour keep coming back time and time again, reflected in the many different relationships we have in our lives, and we feel we are the victim of behaviours or situations then at some point we should realise there is a point of evolution waiting for us. An opportunity to take the lead and be the change we want to see in our relationships.

84. We can really think that we are the victims in life, it takes real courage, honesty and rawness to take a look at where we are in fact the perpetrators. Abuse does not come in one flavour, it is not always violent, aggressive etc, it can be imposing, controlling and slippery and pretty much all of us choose to be abusive in some way and some time in our lives. If we are not living from love than we are not expressing love.

85. In relationships we have the opportunity to develop a way of being together that is continuously deepening in the expansion of who we both are.

86. There are so many conditions that we hold onto within relationships that others have to meet when we come loaded with our insecurities and needs. We can be so irresponsible with others by imposing and also holding back our fullness, and it is at those times that we have lost who we are and are pulled into the needy demands of the energies at play with us and aren’t able to reflect our natural amazingness. And yes, anything other than love is abuse.

87. It’s fantastic Anon that you’ve taken the time to unpack abuse. For most of us, abuse is an extreme that sits on the domestic violence or rape or war end of the spectrum but as you’re pointed out it’s a myriad of behaviours, thoughts and actions… anything less than love.

88. It takes a lot of honesty and self-awareness to feel that we attract abuse. There is a lot of investment in being the victim, as you don’t have to change and its all the abusers fault. What we don’t often realise is that like a key in a lock, the abuser needs the victim to play their role. Without that, the key doesn’t fit.

89. The relationship we have with abuse often takes the stance that it is another who is abusing us but often we fail to see the self-abuse that we subject ourselves to.

90. Awesome blog Anon, it is crazy that this form of abuse the venting of frustration, the stonewalling is so rampant it is accepted as normal.

91. The true and loving relationship we have with God and our Soul is the only relationship that would be sufficient and it is true that we are in many abusive relationships in life and if we really feel this gap and honor what we feel, we would know what the next step is. This is a very humbling process but a necessary one.

    1. Our first relationship is with God and the Soul.

    2. Without living in connection to God and our Soul we are already in abuse.

92. How easy it is to see ‘better’ as a reprieve from abuse when in fact we may still be in the thick of it, just a lessor or alternate form.

    1. Very true Deborah.

93. I feel personally that when we can stop blaming others for the way life is and start looking at the possibility that we through the way we live everyday has contributed to the standard of living we have today, then we can start to heal ourselves and in the healing it seems to me that there is a re balancing effect of life and others start to become aware of how they are behaving and so the micro expands to the macro of life and that’s to me is how true change happens.

    1. Yes blame keeps us locked into reaction and no healing can occur, an invisible prison that feels very real indeed.

94. Absolutely! ‘What I have discovered (or uncovered), through simply being willing to feel deeply, is that I have, in fact, chosen to be in abusive relationships all my life… and that the abuse was not first and foremost coming from anyone ‘out there’ but rather, it has been first and foremost coming from… ME!’ Even though we may not want to feel this it is the truth … how much do we truly love and care for ourselves accepting zero abuse towards ourselves in how we live in every single moment. And you are right we have created a very skewed message of what love actually is. Time to take a few steps back to feel this.

95. “Without needs, without expectations, a true relationship can blossom: based on the true relationship that we’ve taken the time to nurture with ourselves, first!” accepting responsibility for our own lives and committing to lovingly caring for ourselves is essential for a true relationship to develop. needs and expectations are eliminated which leads to a much more honest and open relationship.

96. ‘When we give from a place of neediness with the underlying intention to get something back, it is not actually a true expression of love but rather it is manipulation.’ Thank you anon. I used to observe the manipulation being played out in my family when I was young and sometimes reacted to it. Only later did I realise that I too used manipulation and in the way that you describe, like dealing. I thought I also could deal with God. Now I know this is impossible. A true relationship with ourselves, with God, with anyone has no expectations, investment sympathy or need.

    1. Yes, I too can relate to manipulating people without openly acknowledging I was doing that. There is a large slice of humble pie needed and a change of movements to not repeat the pattern.

97. This stunning blog unlocks so much about the Love and relationships we have – but it is even bigger than that. For what you share Anonymous pertains to the whole of the world and all the wars and terror, rapes and murders we see. They are without doubt horrific events but what is even more troubling to know is we are the ones who start the harming process. Imagine what could change in this world if we all just began one by one to take care of ourselves. I for one, will start now.

98. “already resigned to the belief I would neither be met nor supported” – In how many interactions do we truthfully give space to the other person to be who they are, express without restriction and genuinely communicate love? When we have expectations that people will act or be a certain way this actually restricts and determines what the relationship can be.

    1. That’s very true Susie, it’s imposing on the other person to communicate (even subtly) that they just being themselves is not enough because we want them to do something for us. It also highlights that it’s up to us to meet, love and support ourselves as much as possible.

99. Being willing to open ourselves up to a deeper level of honesty with ourselves and others is key to meaningful connections and true Love in our lives.

100. This is so, so powerful to read, thank you again for this wonderful sharing. There are so many lines I could highlight, but for now it’s this about love, and how it is “our responsibility to hold, honour, cherish and nurture that quality in ourselves, moment-to-moment and day-to-day!” This is so very true and your words about Serge Benhayon as the first man who met you from this “unwavering place of total self responsibility” really sums up the power we can be for others when we too choose to live the responsibility of love.

101. Sometimes I focus on other people’s amazingness and lose sight of my own. This is a distraction. Because focusing on anything outside of ourselves, whether it is blaming or appreciating, we are still not looking at what we can take responsibility on. Putting anyone or anything on the pedestal is a need, a comparison, a non-equality in the expression of love. I got reminded of this and stopped. When I stopped to feel my own power, nothing can touch me and there are no games of hurt, this is the power I do not want to feel.

     1. So true that overly focusing on what another brings is also a distraction. Any form of making ourselves more or less than another is just an outplay of undealt with issues and hurts, things that we haven’t resolved. We do this in our relationships with people, but also how we relate to work, projects, commitments.. if we’re not seeing everything as being of equal importance, putting the work above ourselves, for example, it creates a disharmony that distracts us from being all that we are, and affects everything around us.

102. It is interesting that when we look past all the blaming and the resentment of what another is or is not doing, we often come back to the fact that we ourselves are not being loving with ourselves or with others.

103. I agree that if we don’t look after ourselves even in the smallest of ways that constitutes self-abuse. For me this comes down to moving my body harshly, neglecting to exercise or over eating. When even these things are taken care of my body becomes so much more vital, alive and I feel much more joy.

104. It’s very easy to abuse others when we abuse ourselves first. Only when we come back to ourselves, the true love is possible

     1. We will never see the abuse of others and within society if we are desensitised to it and indeed living it ourselves.

105. Thank you for being so honest anon. Last night I thought I was annoyed at someone, but it didn’t take long, once I was prepared to see my part in the scenario, to see that it was me I was annoyed with. Our choices, even if we have to look 50 steps back, bring us to the point we are at. Now, rather than criticise myself, I am reflective and curious about my choices and simply keep reviewing them.

106. It is interesting that when we had small children and I would see my partner relaxing or doing what he felt to do while I was at the beck and call of four young children I would get frustrated with him instead of being inspired to be that myself. I came to the conclusion in the end that I was in fact jealous of my partner’s ability to be more detached than I was when it came to the children and more able to claim space for what he needed to attend to where I didn’t even consider it an option! This is self imposed abuse.

     1. I recognise that one Kathleen, and I used to get very resentful because I felt like I had to do everything around the house, but in actual fact it was my choice to take it all on – like you say ‘self imposed abuse’. These days if I want others to help, I ask for it and there is never any resistance.

     2. I too recognise this one kathleenbaldwin. I remember not feeling entitled, so I would get very resentful if others took time for themselves in our household. Now I give myself permission to stop if that is what I need, and will also ask for help.

     3. That’s a great point Kathleen and I like the term “self imposed abuse”, it’s very honest which means it can lead to true change.

     4. Great to read it for what it is, and to know that if/when another attacks us for behaving in a certain way, that what’s most important to read are not the words but the energy they come with. The words might have a element of truth to them, but if we have any picture or need of how we need the other person to be for us, it distorts our ability to read what they’re saying and determine if it’s true, or not – and whether it’s their stuff, or mine, or both, to look at.

107. ‘I am not perfect in this practice, but I am committed’, how awesome is that. To be committed to unraveling the abuse we allow with ourselves and all others. I’m struck that if the first thing to do when we encounter abuse is to check how we are with us, and consider how we’re honouring us, and it’s a great flag to ask us to go deeper. We do not in any way, shape or form accept any physical abuse but it’s that more subtle and sometimes not so subtle abuse we allow, and how in fact we may even invite it by how we treat ourselves. So today I’m reminded to go deep and unpick my own abuse.

108. It is so easy for us to look at what is not working in someone else…and we neglect what we can choose different or change. It is not weak to be honest about what we bring that does not support others,it is empowering, a different perspective on this can shifts habits of a life time…

     1. Exactly Samantha… It is with the honesty that we can start dissembling what is not true.

109. Pingback: Workplace Abuse: Are You Being Followed? – The Truth about Serge Benhayon

110. A fresh and honest look at abuse in our relationships to ourselves and others! You share that we do need to take responsibility for loving ourselves first and then others.. To make changes it starts with ourselves first!

111. Could it be our relationship starts with God then we lose our way and returning back to God starts with being honest with our-self as we return to a ‘true’ relationship with God? So being honest is it in being true to our-self first so that we can then become all about us looking at what serves us then everyone equally? Then a relationship starts with self so that we start to Self-Love approach to all we bring to every situation to the best of our ability. For me this started slowly with the gentle breath meditation for even self-love was to big a step from the abuse I was living in! Starting slowly is at varying speeds as everyone has to relearn what it means to be at-least gentle in every aspect of our lives. As we bring gentleness to our life we are learning what it is to be gentle, then we can start to be self-loving, which is the stepping stone to Love. Once a certain understanding is obtained we start to bring every area to a deeper relationship as different attributes adjust. Because some areas need to be in the learning curve of being gentle, while others are ‘glorious’ in the amount of Love that we can share, while on our return to a true relationship with God.

112. Abuse comes in many forms, and it is always a reaction, that might be a silent one or it might be more blatant but it all ends up the same. If i react then I know that I have not been loving myself, and so I am then an abuser, from not responding with love and care. The responsibility to deepen the respect and share my love presents itself in every moment.

113. We can observe ourselves in these cycles if we allow ourselves to be honest about why a situation is repeating itself, big or small frustrating or infuriating…many of us will know we have triggers and behaviours that cycle around, so why are we in them..what is it we get out of it…When we allow ourselves honesty then we can break them.

114. The cycle of abuse can just go around and around. It does have to take one or another to see and feel there is another way, another way to live, to feel and be.

115. How deeply healing it is to observe and take responsibility for our own part in every interaction and expression in life for we are never innocent recipients of events – there is forever a greater learning offered to us and an opportunity for true healing.

116. It’s interesting that we get so bent out of shape stressing over what other people have done to us, but often fail to see the part we are playing in the whole drama – never are we innocent, even if we appear to be the victim.

117. Its like a trap the bait for self is to give ones power away and once that happens we are open for abuse , in what ever form that takes . Personal abuse or attracting abuse from someone else, or even demanding abuse because one feels they desire punishment for ” selling ‘ their power away for what every ill conceived reason. To clear all abuse one needs to go back to the bait and then close the trap.

118. It is a bit of an eye opener when we realise that we are abusing ourselves first before anyone else can – takes away the victim stance we can so easily run with.

     1. Its a stockpiling effect – worth considering the extent of self-abuse that is taking place which is often times far greater and deeper than what we are putting out.

119. It is not unitl we let go of our hurts that we stop bouncing from emotions and reactions in relationships and simply be open and holding of another in order to dispel that which is not from love.

120. I have had similar realisations about abuse. The greatest harm that I have experienced has been done by myself. So many times I have not backed myself, sold out what I know is true or left myself and my connection. This feels worse than what anyone else has done. I have also realised how handy it is to blame another person for abuse. It keeps the focus away from me and I can avoid looking at my part in the relationship.

121. I am quickly learning that abuse starts with me. How I am with others, wether I am open or not, is a choice I make and every moment I am not open, I have first abused myself by closing the door to the love I hold within, and from there it is simply a flow on that I will abuse another for I am not responding with my love. A realisation that has begun a daily working program in halting any moment that I notice myself being guarded with or just not open to another.

122. So spot on- ‘The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…’ I remember saying this to other people about 4/5 years ago but they thought I was mad. The interesting thing is then I gradually started to accept less than the love in its fullness I know in my life. And before I knew it I had drifted quite a way off. So for me it really is or isn’t – all or nothing. The moment I say yes to less than love I am saying yes to everything that is not love and no longer decerning clearly.

123. What I have become aware of lately is the subtle; and at times overt; forms of abuse I have allowed into my life. Why I have allowed this is now a journey of self discovery and responsibility.

124. The real understanding that anything less than love is abuse changes everything and allows us the beauty and dedication to change our lives and how we are living. “Without needs, without expectations, a true relationship can blossom: based on the true relationship that we’ve taken the time to nurture with ourselves, first!”

125. “The unspoken deal in these relationships has been “I’ll give you what you need, if you give me what I need.” An arrangement.” Yes this is so very true about relationships, that we just expect the other person to fulfil us, this is not what a true relationship is all about.

126. Its so true, the abuse we allow and willingly accept in relationship that we claim is part of being in a loving relationship simply cannot be if we are not allowing such abuse into our own lives and way of being with ourselves. Relationships in this way are a great outer reflection of this its just that we have got so used to accepting it as ‘love’ that we have convinced ourselves that this is our ‘duty’ and ‘role’ with being in a relationship.

127. It is incredible to be in a relationship with dedication to openness, honesty, the absence of games (manipulation) and neediness as the absolute bottom line and to know that this is reciprocated.

128. We can eliminate abuse from our lives by choosing to be love, by exposing abuse when it arises and by choosing to not feed into abuse with reactions or blame but by expressing with absolute love and truth.

129. Everything moves in cycles, including abuse.

130. Thank you, yes, it is so easy to look out at others and the world and blame them for our hurts, but less comfortable to actually see how we are perpetuating abuse every day by living less than the love we innately know.

131. Anon, you ask some really important questions; ‘And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?’ I have had this in relationships with people where I have focussed on their shortcomings and not looked at how I treat myself; expecting them to love and honour me more than i do myself, reading your article exposes how if we want to have a truly loving relationship with others then it needs to start with a loving relationship with ourselves first.

132. It is in my experience that you can have everything from the outside – houses, cars, children, husbands, a great life – but if I am not truly valuing and caring for myself then there is a large void I feel and try to fill with stuff that is not loving, until such point that I choose to value and appreciate myself. To do this – to actually treat myself with love, is the simplest way for me to feel everything in my body. I can then see the potential of what is there to share with others.

     1. I totally agree we can have literally everything we have ever wanted, the complete picture yet if we are not valuing and appreciating ourselves and what we have then we will not be and bring all the love that we are to everything in our lives. So then our partner, kids, friends etc..will not get or feel the love they deserve and this is where I find issues are created to fill the void that love otherwise would fill.

133. A beautiful sharing Anonymous, sharing a true and inspiring message that it all begins and ends with ourselves. As you have pointed out responsibility and self love reflects in our own self worth and in all other relationships.

134. When we take responsibility, true healing is on offer.

     1. And this is how a society which is in deep distress but can champion evolution and scientific advancement is born.

135. Wow, this is a great blog. There is much here to consider beginning with my own responsibility to nurture and be with the quality of the love inside of myself, rather than expect another to fill the void of my own lack of self love. It’s a new foundation for relationships.

136. What about the ways in which we abuse ourselves on a daily basis and accept as ‘normal’, the more we are honest about the abuse towards ourselves we then begin to expose the many forms of abuse around us that we have allowed.

     1. Very true. There are so many moments I catch myself doing something out of a pattern or habit which is not honouring myself or my body at all. The more I catch these behaviours and change them the more abuse stands out and is highlighted in other areas. It 1st has to start by looking at ourselves.

137. Yes, when we don’t appreciate and accept the love that we are we compromise ourselves all over the place, and in that compromising and accepting less we are holding back from the world and don’t bring what we have to bring.

138. This is a huge realisation for all, as we normally are good at identifying the obvious events that feel abusive but very seldom do we honestly look deeper and see how we have been abusive to ourselves first by refusing to appreciate and accept the love that we are so we continue to compromise and accept less than that in order to get through feeling safe and protected. This is all an illusion as it is only until we live from an open heart that all this can be lived.

139. Playing victim to abuse gets us nowhere. When we are willing to take a a deeply honest look at our part in the cycle of abuse it can be much easier to step out of that cycle.

140. When abuse is constantly directed at an individual they do need to say no to it at some point but it often takes someone else to call it out for them in the beginning and then stand there beside them to break the pattern of helplessness that has been chosen.

141. Thank you Anon! I love these words “Anything less than LOVE is actually abuse”.

142. Abuse is a two way street. In order for it to play out it first needs an instigator and a willing receiver and then the loop is complete. One plays ‘perpetrator’ and the other plays ‘victim’, while they are both run by one and the same energy. Breaking this cycle is as simple as saying no to abuse and yes to love and then making sure that choice is reflected in our every move thereafter.

     1. Brilliant bringing forth of responsibility and the fact that we are all always involved in what plays out in our lives… the two way street that equalises us absolutely.

143. Relationship is shaped by what we bring to the table and not purely by what is being served when we get there.

144. It is well worth considering the subtle ways in which we abuse ourselves in daily life- our unloving thoughts, actions and words are no less harming than an abuse that comes to us from outside.

145. We are so used to abusing ourselves in thought word and deed that we need a massive paradigm shift on all levels to even start to feel the connection with the essence of love

146. This is a great blog Anon to start a discussion about how we treat ourselves and others.
     Taking responsibility to admit that we are not always the victim of others but victims of the way we treat and care for ourselves is huge to me. And when I was able to admit that actually I am a victim of my own choices then this opened up the possibility that yes I had been irresponsible but I had a new choice, to change the way I perceived myself. By changing how I have been living by being bringing more focus to how I am with myself in everything I do, not only has changed me but also how I interact with others, so everyone benefits when we change how we treat and care for ourselves.

147. The foundation of love is always first in the relationship with ourselves and from there to others, you have said it like this ‘That step is to take full responsibility for the loving, caring of and nurturing of myself and that requires me to be willing to feel and honor myself in full.’ True change comes from a body of love.

148. It is true that if we feel we are being abused in some way, and this can be physical, verbally or even ever so slightly verbal, it serves us well to look at the situation taking place from all different angles and to see what we are contributing to the situation playing out before us.

149. We cannot wait for another person to change, be another way, we have to do that for ourselves.

150. What beautiful honesty. True healing is possible when we are willing to be this honest.

151. “And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?” – and how could we possibly even know how we want someone else to treat our body if we are not doing the same for ourself.

152. How great is it actually to feel that we are imperfect and that we have done nothing wrong in our lives then.. simply learning no matter what. With this surrender to our imperfection there comes a great acceptance that we are divine – and like you shared, we can commit to it again, step by step.. being more of who we are – and in this we make a greater whole.

153. A great revelation it is to understand that in living with and in abuse, we are accepting such abuse and are dishing it inwardly towards ourselves. All that we accept and live is what another receives in one form or another.

154. As I rekindle an old relationship I can get caught in the fear of abuse from the past. But actually this has nothing to do with my partner and everything to do with how am I treating myself – and therefor him too. Has this fear more to do with me knowing those pockets where I am still abusive with myself? Yes. Has the fear of relationships been to do with knowing the responsibility to live lovingly within in each moment because this is what the relationship is made up of? Yes. It’s not ever about what the other person in the relationship does for me but me bringing all of me to each relationship starting with myself.

155. There are not many blogs or articles out there that bring truth like you have here. Stating that when we are in abuse or abusive situations, that there is always a part we have to own, what is it in us that is saying ‘yes’ to the abuse. That can be quite controversial to say, in that, one could ask ‘why would someone willingly stay in an abusive situation’, but the actual truth is, they are.

156. When we stop with ignoring the fact that we are from love and allow love to be with us in all aspects of life, not only the abuse to yourselves will stop but also the abuse to others and to society as a whole. What a difference would this make and not to imagine how our world would look like then.

157. A poignant reminder that abuse need not be avert or physical outplay but can be silence, neglect and any intent, gesture or movement expressed that is void of love.

158. “And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?” This is something most of us ignore, we want others to treat and respect us differently, but we don’t do that for ourself.

159. “The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…”
     Wow this is a game changer- this should be front page news- its huge what this means, the normalcy of abuse that is ringing in my ears is deafening. I work / live / socialise in a world of abuse- hidden and subtle most of it, yet it is very real and accepted as the backdrop for many relationships. Its time this changed, and this begins with each of us saying NO to it.

160. “The unspoken deal in these relationships has been “I’ll give you what you need, if you give me what I need.” An arrangement.” Yes and this is so normal and expected these days. I am starting to see more and more where I have allowed this to be in my life – everywhere – as this is what i saw growing up and its what others are used to. It shakes people up when we ask for more in relationships, when we say arrangements don’t work.

161. ‘So, if I am really honest, how have I been treating myself?’ We’ve normalised and accepted abuse to the extent we don’t know we are even being abusive. And that includes self-abuse. It takes a while to break through the fog of incomprehension and old patterns and behaviours but once fully on the other side I image the view is very clear.

162. Life is about being love to the best of our ability and is actually very simple but in our waywardness we have made life complex and full with complications all from not taking the responsibility to be love for ourselves first.

     1. I agree, if we chose to look after our own needs first off we wouldnt need to get this met by needing things from other people. This is a level of responsibility we have to be prepared to step into. We deserve to be connected to and loved and respected in any relationship, but be prepared and committed to carrying our own bags so to speak.

        1. Sure felicity, we have to carry our own bags, but in this I will take care that these are not too heavy or even empty, as carrying stuff with me actually does not feel good at all and only hinders me in my movements in life in general and when I am with other people.

163. You bring a deeper understanding to the word abuse and the reality of that. A gorgeous example of what is truly there to be acknowlegded, to not only look what seems to be abuse, but truly feel it. We might discover that it is in the slightest ways and that we are the only ones that can heal the opening where they come through. So nothing to be faulted – simply discarded

164. Yes you definitely did bring honesty to you situation and also all of us. I know you are not alone in feeling like a victim in a relationship. I am sure we’ve all felt that from time to time, not wanting to see things for the truth and be aware that we have played a role in creating the mess we sometimes find ourselves in. Your blog is a shining example of what it means to get honest with yourself and change your life.

165. Absolutely – it is our responsibility to love, nature and observe ourselves and to bring healing to all that is not true in order to bring more of us and a deeper love in nourishment of all others.

166. Yes, it is true anything less than love feels like abuse to the body (the silent treatment really hurts) and it is only when we express less than love towards ourselves that we will express less than lovingly to our partners. It really brings the importance of self-love and care to the forefront.

167. The moment we do not let another into our heart we are abusing them.

     1. It really is as simple as living love or not.

168. The cumulative effect of abuse can be to make you feel invisible which is such an awful feeling, We can be masterful at doing this to ourselves. I have spent many years hiding and working hard to be invisible and wonder why I feel like I am not heard.

169. I have for the past week now been feeling like a hamster in a wheel, constant negative thoughts about a relationship in my life and how it is not where I think it should be. When relating to my relationships or myself from the mind it is very bitter and negative, relating to myself and others from my heart then everything feels much lighter. The reminder from this blog means that theres a picture about how I should be with myself that’s in the way and actually it has nothing to do with my outside of myself relationship. My body feels to be light with myself and yet the responsibility is that I have to feel the choices made to not follow this feeling of lightness. Thank you Anon.

170. There’s a part of us that likes to see reaction as so justified. ‘This person did X to me, so clearly it’s not right or fair’. But what we are choosing to overlook, is the possibility that we were already lost, already calling to be attacked, and reducing ourselves to be less. So what is the cause of abuse? Who is able to stop its harming effects?Well, you show Anonymous, without doubt, it starts and ends with us.

171. Love is actually who we are! This is the message that Serge Benhayon continually presents to us all… and whilst this message or rather these words have been said by many people to humanity… what we have here is someone who literally lives in this essence and by their extraordinary example and reflection shows us the living possibility of this statement.

172. When we feel into the abuse that we have allowed in our lives, we realise that initially, it has come from ourselves for not choosing to be who we are and compromising our quality in order to fit in and play less than the power we know so well in our beingness. Taking responsibility to break this cycle is easy and is simply to be aware of what is it that we are obedient to at any moment? is it something that confirms our own divinity? or one which identifies that which we are not.?

173. The cycle of abuse is happening every day all over the world, one person is emotional or aggressive, then the next is taking this on, perhaps then being the same back, or even with someone else. Voila the cycle is on and on. We have a choice not to react, and instead respond in whatever way is appropriate.

174. The hardest thing is seeing that we are the ones who are responsible for the relationships we choose…because we choose to be in them. But this is where self-love comes in, the more we cherish, care and nurture ourselves the more willing we are to take a very honest look at ourselves and our relationships whilst still cherishing, caring and nurturing ourselves.

175. Any moment when we have stepped away in feeling absolute joy and connection with ourselves is a choice of abuse. To return to love, simply stop and come back to what would bring that connection back.

176. It is important to take full responsibility for every situation, occurrence and event for never are we an innocent bystander – there is forever learning and an end result of how we are living and the choices we have made up until that point.

177. Love is not a gift, a privilege or a right – it is in fact who we are, what we are from and our bodies native language. Everything that is not love are learnt behaviours of the human being that do not belong to the universality we are from.

178. “And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?” We do not dare to call abuse all that is abuse and that is the problem. Because of this, we have an incomplete picture of the real abuse. That factor, on the other hand, gives us the needed leeway to choose what is abuse and what is not and to take an incident out of the bigger picture.

179. Anon, what a brilliant blog about relationships and how it starts with us first with how we are with ourselves in everything we do down to the smallest of details. I totally agree with you we have all been sold a very skewed message of what love is and returning back to the love that we naturally emanate does take time as we have to peel away the layers that are not love to expose us in all the glory that we naturally are. I know this to be true because as I peel the layers away I am finding that I am quite adorable with a sweetness I never knew existed, and so the process is Wow what else will I find out about myself. And more than anything my relationship with everyone has changed completely I have far more understanding of myself and that naturally leads to others.

180. Recently I saw myself at the point of feeling rejected. It is not an uncommon feeling – it is one I have felt aplenty during my life. But this time I caught myself in the process of choosing it and actually realised that there is a calculation that goes on at that point. It is a sort of ‘how much mileage can I get out of this rejection’ consideration. I could see that the truth is, rejection comes from me first, from my choice to reject myself rather from another. In choosing to play with rejection and going into feeling like a victim I could give myself an excuse for being less than the love that I am and the responsibility that comes with it. This self-rejection has been a long-played out cycle of self-diminishment – but I am now aware that it is not something I am victim of, but something I choose – just as I can choose to be love too.

181. It is an overwhelming concept to digest initially that we are responsible for all that happens in our lives. Even the shocking horrible bits. Accepting this and then choosing to live more consciously creates a differnt focus on why we do and don’t accept abuse.

     1. When we can admit we are not only part of the abuse but that we willingly allow it, we will be on our way to arresting it and taking full responsibility for how we are living our lives.

182. I could so relate to asking others to fill me up when I haven’t wanted to fill myself with love… equally imposing feeling this both ways. I just completed an Expression and Presentation workshop with Serge Benhayon and there was oodles I took away from it about expressing but what I’ve taken note of since is how a person expresses most the time guarantees the energy of the expression in return. Meaning if we talk down to someone or be sarcastic or blurt out in frustration, 9 times out of 10, unless the other person is very aware of what you’re expressing in and stays solid with themselves, then they are going to come back with the same energy and both are brought down.

183. There is only one true version of love, because half-half or a measured expression of love is not love but an arrangement! We’ve actually put things like stonewalling, swearing at our partners, arguments and other moments of abuse into this ‘half-half’ category – ‘we’re all human!’, ‘we get tired from time to time’, ‘it’s healthy to have some disputes’ are some of our arguments FOR these things, but what if these were actually completely unnecessary and harming and for our relationships to be amazing we didn’t need these instances?

184. I love your emphasis on the fact that we have to look at ourselves first and foremost before we point the finger at another and what they may or may not have done that is not loving. This is the only way to get to love and harmony within a relationship.

185. What a brilliant sharing! So needed on this subject which as you state at the beginning more often than not goes into the focus of victim/perpetrator. It’s so interesting the levels of what we are not willing to see the truth and hide behind ‘its your fault’. So great to read this, thank you for going there.

186. It is interesting how we expect and almost demand from others what we are unwilling to give to ourselves, and then when that is not delivered we feel hard done by and rejected, but all along we are rejecting ourselves – sounds crazy. This article certainly points out how we live in a cycle of abuse and that it is within our own hands to put an end to it.

187. I still have much of my own preciousness to embrace and accept. It is an ongoing evolution and sits in tandem with the abuse that I accept and thus, by science, the abuse that express. Living and breathing my preciousness is the key to seeing and feeling it all. And through my choices, I then heal and inspire others to also accept and express less abuse in their lives.

188. We have a skewed perception of love and abuse within society for we have tolerated, accepted and allowed unfathomable levels of abuse on every level to the point that being Loving stands out a mile as something unusual and against the status quo. This is ludicrous when you consider that we are all divine and loving beings and the smallest whiff of abuse when living Love would be undeniable… It goes to show how far from Love we are living as a whole.

189. Until we accept ourselves as the precious beings that we are we will never see the level of abuse that is all around us and the part we play in either creating or continuing the cycle. What I love is your partner spoke with honesty when you spoke to him from a victim mode, and in this you were able to stop and feel how you had created the situation. Calling out abuse however minuscule it may seem stops us going into the hurt and allows the other person to see their behaviour is not acceptable and the harming it can be.

190. This is something I am working on at the moment. What came to me this morning was “just tell the truth” – that’s it. I can feel how I have avoided telling the truth for many years, but what has happened as a result is the rot has set in and in all honesty it feels pretty terrible. So here goes…..

191. You have very powerfully shared that when surrounded by abuse, and we are treated horribly that we still have the power to say NO, I have ready blogs describing the corruption in the police force and the law system which is suppose to be supporting those who are abused not allowing things to carry on as they are. The power is totally OURS to say what we will and will not accept in our life.

192. It always seems simple from the side lines because I know that I cause the same emotional reactions with others and all of it comes from a judgement, which I have first placed on myself and then others are also judged so I have no need to look at my own reactions.
     For more on judgement go to;
     http://www.unimedliving.com/search?keyword=JUDGMENT

193. I have come to understand that what I believe I deserve is what i accept in my life. That includes behaviour in my home, how people treat me, speak around me, what I drive, the quality of food I eat the list goes on. If I have a loving relationship with myself then i am more accepting of loving relationships in all areas of my life including the things I choose to have around me.

194. We cannot be hurt by abuse if we read it for what it is and see our part in what plays out.

     1. Simply said Leonne – responsibility is a game changer and when coupled with observation, it is very difficult to get caught up in hurts or emotional reactions.

195. Imagine of this level of honesty and humility was brought into every relationship, into our government, our law courts, our religions….This is the way.

     1. And this begins and ends with each of us – we must take responsibility for the energy we live and whether we are willing to live and accept Love or settle for rampant Abuse on every level.

196. Anon, this ‘hits the nail on the head’ for me, ‘I have lived many relationships in a way that focused on ‘their’ issues, ‘their’ faults, and ‘their’ shortcomings’, I can feel that this is in the past how I was in relationships, always seeing the others faults and focusing on these rather than honestly and truly focusing on myself and things that I needed to work on, this is changing as I become less defensive and more open and understanding with myself and seeing behaviours that are not loving as not the true me and so I am willing to change these.

     1. It’s such tricky ground focusing on others faults because it can take the focus and responsibility away from ourselves and how we are behaving. It can also lead to justifications for our own abuse of others and ourselves.

197. I was just recently finding myself encountering a situation that felt very familiar and actually repeated a number of times, and I notice there’s a pattern. I can use this experience to confirm my belief about this thing/situation to be wrong and avoid them for the rest of my life. Reading your sharing, I can feel there’s more for me to read and take responsibility for – at least my reaction.

     1. The reaction is key. Often we can fool ourselves in believing that we have dealt with someone or something by avoiding (out of sight, out of mind, type of thing), but if there is still a reaction then it becomes clear that we have still not truly dealt with the energy involved, and like you have stated Fumiyo taken responsibility for our reactions.

198. The other day I had a lovely reflection of how building Love as my way, my body recognises that Love is the way I choose and everything that is not that Love just drops away. Incidents still happen, but they have no impact on me or my body. There is no reaction to hook into, because I am steady in the Love that I know myself to be.

199. “I have, in fact, chosen to be in abusive relationships all my life… and that the abuse was not first and foremost coming from anyone ‘out there’ but rather, it has been first and foremost coming from… ME!” I know that victimhood stance well. This is huge in terms of realisations…for how many of us want to blame and criticise others without first looking at what we have allowed and set up in the first place? In truth abuse can only happen if we allow it to be so.

200. How we are with ourselves sets the benchmark for what we allow from others.

201. Self abuse begins with us denying that we are absolutely precious – even if the world around us is not confirming it to be so.

     1. Kylie. These few simple words say so much to me; they inspire me to honour my own preciousness as a beautiful foundation for what I do or don’t accept both from myself going into the world and from the world that I am going in to. Precious words.

202. It’s easy to blame another for abuse but simpler to accept our part in it.

     1. Absolutely Kylie Jackson. Choosing not to accept our part in it leaves us on a merry-go-round in which the blame continues and each time leads us to move away from learning the loving truth that supports everyone to grow.

203. These cycles of abuse can be so destructive, yet they are sooooo familiar to us that they have a way of just playing out and playing out and playing out. It does take one person to change that pattern and that person has to be us, ourselves. We cannot wait for another person to change, be another way, we have to do that for ourselves.

204. Abuse begins at home, begins within us when we don’t treat ourselves with the love we are and the care we deserve.

205. But then why would we stay in a relationship if we know it is abusive? Purely for comfort?

206. It is a wonderful freeing moment when we realise that blaming others never got us anywhere and that what we have been offered all along are reflections to consider our own part in relationships and situations.

207. “The unspoken deal in these relationships has been “I’ll give you what you need, if you give me what I need.” An arrangement.” We don’t actually understand fully when in the middle of a relationships that is an arrangement, just how abusive it is. It is and can be so damaging to ourselves and others, as we are not truly honouring who we are and where we are from.

208. Beautiful Anon, sharing the beauty of relationship and the healing it offers us contstantly. What you wrote here is so powerful and true: “What about refusing to care for yourself deeply and expecting (or manipulating) someone else to do this for you? Does that constitute abuse? Absolutely.”

209. If you are someone who is happy to give part of themselves away in order to “do good” in some way, then it is only a matter of time before you outwardly resent that decision.

210. I can really relate to believing that I was a victim of abuse from my parents growing up, however, like yourself Anon, on going deeper I realised that I was just as much to blame. I withheld my love from them, and held them ransom because of their loveless behaviour, but I can now feel that my own behaviour was abusive as well. Both of us were not willing to be the love that we are- judgement, blame, anger, resentment and manipulation/control took over. All of these negative emotions are not who we naturally are.

211. Expecting someone else to be a certain way in order for us to feel full filled is a lie and will never leave us feeling satisfied, because we know deep down that it is our responsibility to feel contentment within ourselves first and not expect someone else to do it for us. It has also become my experience that abuse comes in many forms, and on many different levels firstly with us and then from others – recently looking into the extent of what we tolerate is an eye opener.

212. I am just back from a Universal Medicine Retreat where one learning/realization was strongly felt, experienced on our way back home and it fits to this blog. The realization is: we have deals with each other. The deal is: You abuse me and so I suffer. Than I have the excuse to be not able to pull you up and call you to evolve. Deal.
     And I realized the truth of this learning on our way back home just today. I did become frustrated and angry about something my partner did and blamed him for it. I could also blamed me for it – doesn’t matter. The end result: we feel a bit separated from each other, no intimacy, no warmth. And no pull to express more, to evolve. The moment I realized how what I do (blaming him on something he did to me and feel like a victim) is ‘freeing’ me from taking responsibility – I did stop. I felt suddenly empowered. It was and is a very interesting feeling. Worth to give it a go much more.

213. I wish everyone on this planet could take such an honest look at themselves and their relationships and look to understand what true love actually is as there is so much abuse going on in the name of love and as you said anything short of love is abuse.

214. I am starting to understand that anything that is less then Love is a form of abuse that does not need to be tolerated. So when I applied it to my life, I was quite surprised what I felt I have been putting up with, not extreme levels of abuse, but many instances and situations that were very unloving. The level of that I am choosing to tolerate now are changing quite dramatically and the choice of returning to Love gets stronger and stronger.

215. The more love I have for myself , in how I care for myself, deal with my hurts and appreciate, the less the abuse is in my life, in how I am with myself and what comes from outside of me.

216. If we don’t treat ourselves with love, we will not receive love. In fact, we will reject it. We go for what is familiar – so if we’re well versed in abusing ourselves, we’ll invite relationships into our relationships and our lives.

217. Any cycle is a loving reflection from life to say “hey you keep choosing the same thing”.

218. It all comes from that false idea that love is something we have to receive from the outside but in that thinking we forget that we are made of love first and that it is our responsibility to reconnect to that source ourselves instead.

219. It’s so easy to go to someone else to ‘fill up’ on what we are not willing to give to ourselves. But this leaves us empty and needy, and the demand placed on others is totally unreasonable. I know the feeling when someone does that to me – it makes me want to pull away. It is a disrespectful way to treat each other. Taking full responsibility for treating ourselves in the way we would like to be treated is a call to grow up and stop looking for love from others. If we can do this for ourselves surely this is empowering. Then we may actually have some love to share.

220. Anon, many, including myself, will relate to what you share. Looking outside of ourselves and at other people is never the way. It leads to complications, tension and much needless distress. We are the ones responsible for everything that happens to us and the lives we lead. Until we learn this we never break out of the cycle of self-abuse.

221. How supportive to have a partner that’s willing to let you know how he feels rather react and not communicate. I find that, although it may be hard to swallow at times (because so much hurt and harm is loaded in one of those looks or comments) it is a moment where we can look at what’s played out and therefore be more aware if it tries to come in again.

222. The responsibility of our thoughts, looks (glares, eye rolls) and what we say and do all play a part in what comes back to us. I still ‘think’ I can get away with a look but have to be honest and see that it is abusive. And when I’m on the receiving end of a look, it does feel awful. So there is no such thing as ‘it was just a look/thought/word/gesture’ – everything is energy and we all feel what is behind everything.

223. ‘“I’ll give you what you need, if you give me what I need.” An arrangement.’ A true relationship is so much more because like you say we are love and living this together is something completely different, it is pulling each other up and not slip anything into the relationship that is not of love, to become more ourselves everyday.

224. Only when we are with ourselves and in that lovingly take care for ourselves we are able to be in full in every relationship that we have and from this fullness no abuse or whatsoever will be possible, as simply we will not allow that from that fullness within..

225. There is in truth only one way to get out of any relationship of abuse, and that is to first see one’s own part in it. By that I do not mean saying you deserved the abuse at all. But part of the disempowering thing about being in a relationship of abuse is thinking that you don’t have any other choice, and that is what happens when you go through life thinking it is just something that happens to you, and you are but a pawn to other’s desires. Thus, their is actually empowerment in seeing your own part in things, even if your part is simply to be complicit by accepting what is offered to you by way of abuse. Such realisation should never of course be seen as condoning the acts of abuser nor diminishing their responsibility for their actions. It does however, give power back to the person being abused.

226. Yes true Susan and we never get away with it . The energy effects us all. We need to be responsible.

227. “What I had previously focused on was what my partner ‘did wrong’ or ‘didn’t do right’ and hence, from where I was looking, it was easy to notice when he was grumpy or venting his frustration and stay stuck in the ‘he did me wrong’ victim story!” This victim story guarantees we stay small.

228. I love that you have exposed the neediness that can be present in a relationship and how due to this there is not a true expression of love but rather a manipulation of it. This is an ouch for many. It is amazing the level of abuse we can allow through the lack of love but I agree… to stop this we must first stop the abuse we are willing to treat ourselves with and replace it with nurturing, loving and honouring ourselves in full.

229. You are not alone Susan. How many of us think we can get away with abusing ourselves especially in those small ways; staying up later, or going into drive mode, rushing our movements, eating too fast or eating the wrong food are simple examples. Point is we do not get away with it when we indulge making it all about ourselves and in doing so, losing sight of the bigger picture and is good to be clear on this as our bodies have to deal with the consequences of all our choices.

230. ‘What I have discovered (or uncovered), through simply being willing to feel deeply, is that I have, in fact, chosen to be in abusive relationships all my life… and that the abuse was not first and foremost coming from anyone ‘out there’ but rather, it has been first and foremost coming from… ME! ‘ Love the honesty here and from that honesty this gem of a blog has been delivered…..we all have the power to change our lives at any point, and the best medicine to do this is getting honest with ourselves – this has also been my experience.

231. The cycle that is set up with abuse is like a spiral that gets out of control when we don’t notice how it grows into the monster it becomes. Expression from your partner at that time when he felt abuse from you was amazing, how he called and exposed it to bring you back on track. Knowing this and accepting the responsibility that we all have a part to play breaks the cycle of abuse. And we do have to call it out when we feel it to honour ourselves in full. Brilliant learning for everyone thank you.

232. Without honesty we are never able to acknowledge where we are truly at nor realise how far we have strayed from our true and natural essence.

233. The subjugation and acquiescing we do as women (noting this from personal experience), that then is EXPECTED by men – we have made a rod for our own backs!, is in all relationships with men (because it has become our accepted way in life) until we can know, live and hold our own power and sacredness for ourselves.

234. There have been many moments in my life where it has felt out of control, yet there always comes a moment where i can do one thing differently that then begins to change a whole dynamic.

235. It’s interesting how we often go to blame others instead of take responsibility for ourselves and our choices. We have a hand in everything we don’t like.

236. It can be a real shock to be honest about the choices we make in relationships, especially when it comes to our perception of victimhood. I can see how in my experience it has also been deeply empowering to understand why I had chosen certain dynamics in relationships, there is power in understanding our choices.

237. Your last paragraph thanking Serge Benhayon about his expression of true love for others really sums it up for me, as an ” unwavering place of total self-responsibility”. This really highlights the needs, expectations, games, self neglect and falsities we carry about love and relationships. Instead we can be in a place of self responsibility connected to and living from the essence of love we are within.

238. I realised to break the cycle of abuse requires us to be honest and willing to take responsibility for the part we play. Blaming our situation, being identified as a victim role or blaming the people we are with only feeds the abuse. It is when we choose to say ‘no’ to any form of abuse big or small from ourselves or from others that we can start to break this cycle of abuse. And choosing to stand up for truth no matter what is a huge part of supporting us to expose the many and insidious forms of abuse.

239. ‘I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me’ and without accepting this it is easy to remain in the ‘blame game’ – and assume everyone else in the world are the ones with the issues (that we are digging our heels in and trying to avoid looking at).

240. Quite often it seems as though we do clock the abuse we are involved with, but rarely look at the part we play, and what we are contributing. To look at someone in a certain way these days is rarely seen as abusive but it is, along with the tone in which we talk to each other or even the odd dismissive comment may not be taken as serious or even considered abusive, but it is and it hurts when we do that to each other.

241. When it comes to abuse I feel this can be a really sensitive issue but appreciate your honesty and reflection in the seeing the part you have played in this. Something that is not that easy to do and I feel takes great self-love and honesty to be able to see. Also with abuse there should be ‘no line in the sand’ drawn. Abuse is abuse whether extreme or not it is as simple as that; the fact is why do we give it or accept it?“ Is it because of our lack of self-worth or self-esteem, not feeling we have the ability to say no, wanting to be loved or recognised, wanting to be accepted or because we haven’t healed anger, sadness, frustration, rejection, resentment or hurts from the past so this carries on in all our relationships. As you said, exactly what ‘need’ are we filling ‘I’ll give you what you need, if you give me what I need.” You are also right in saying every single one of us each has a responsibility in healing these hurts and Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine are the only body/organisation I know that have truly, and I mean truly, helped hundreds if not thousands of people heal the deep seated root cause of these issues. I am sure from what have seen, and reflected on along with your willingness to change your relationship with your partner can now expand to a truth and love you have not yet had. Amazing.

242. You have captured a cycle of abuse that so many relationships get into. Love is actually who we are and taking responsibility for saying how we feel and looking after ourselves are basic things that are needed to honour oneself – it is amazing how far we can drift from these fundamentals.

243. Love is actually who we are! And as we discover more of who we are, the love deepens and expands, bringing awareness of more subtle forms of abuse, giving us the opportunity to let go of this less obvious abuse and to deepen and expand further the love that we are.

244. Self abuse occurs anytime we do not honour ourselves, our bodies and feelings. It makes sense that as soon as we do override these we can create an opening for other’s abuse towards us to occur.

245. Where does this Love end and the abuse begin? For a while I’ve seen the disharmony in the things I do or words I’ve said. But today I’m feeling strongly that it starts way before that. Anytime I’m disconnected and distracted it’s effectively opens the door for these things to happen that are not true. Like a burgulary that repeatedly occurs, your words Anon have helped me identify exactly how and why the theft takes place. So I can see what to seal and correct to ensure the future is secure and bright.

246. I agree there is no victim, nor perpetrator when it comes to abuse. At the first sniff of abuse you have a choice to walk away from the situation and not allow abuse. It is always a choice. No different to how we abuse our self. We can choose not to allow in those abusive thoughts, feed them, indulge in them, run with them, until we think that is who we are. When it is not.

247. If we stop and consider what you present here Anonymous, it is truly huge. For your personal realisation seeps into politics, race, gender and wars. How many situations in life are full of discord, yet have we truly settled the discord in ourselves, or are these incidents and events just a mirror to the truth – that it was us who first chose to abuse?

248. You are right Anon, when it comes to whether we are abusive or not, every moment matters – every gesture, every word, tone of voice, movement, choice we make regarding others and ourselves. Abuse is not just about the glaringly obvious instances of domestic violence or other forms of harshness that happen ‘out there’. Abuse happens all the time – we just haven’t had an awareness of it at the personal, micro level, which is why we don’t clock it as it gets larger… unless an extreme is involved.

249. Wow… I totally agree… I’ve been in a similar situation and in retrospect I believe that I have ALLOWED myself to be treated that way. I’ve since then acknowledged my worth and learnt how I deserve to be treated. It made a huge difference. Thanks for sharing 🙂

250. The more we love, respect and honour ourselves the less likely abuse is to come to us. Therefore it is imperative we teach our young the value of self love and respecting their own bodies. If we teach this and set the foundation for a child to feel secure and solid in who they are abuse will eventually cease to exist.

251. When we start working on self care and self love we naturally also being to work on abuse. It then becomes clear that it (abuse) comes in many guises, on a scale of being glaringly obvious to the more sophisticated dressed up as being less obvious and more acceptable.

252. When you return to know in you that each of us is divine and part of one big family, when you walk each step knowing we are beautiful way beyond the physique we see, you will get and feel in every bone and cell that we are here to hold each other as an equal brothers and anything less is an abomination on the truth. The world we have made is so far away from these facts, thank God for those who like you Anonymous, point out the reality that we are Love and deserve nothing less than that.

253. We have been sold the story that Love is an island in the sea of calamity that we are living. What if Love is the sea? It is part of all of us so why would we wish to not be a fish… and just not get wet?

254. “When we give from a place of neediness with the underlying intention to get something back, it is not actually a true expression of love but rather it is manipulation.” this paragraph stood out for me to day realising much more how my need to care for someone is indeed a manipulation and that caring for myself needs to come first.

255. We have many more choices that we think, and we make many more choices than we are aware of. I may think that not eating a healthy dinner wasn’t a choice as I was in a restaurant with friends, but it is still a choice, and there is always an opportunity to choose lovingly.

256. This is responsibility – understanding that it is always us that chooses an energy first, and then the outplay is simply part of the cause and effect of that choice.

257. “When we give from a place of neediness with the underlying intention to get something back, it is not actually a true expression of love but rather it is manipulation.” Recently I’ve been looking at the way I am in relationship with others and have uncovered areas where I was sure I was being loving and caring but in digging deeper its clear that I’ve been coming from a place of neediness and found that when coming from neediness its always controlling, me trying to get what I want.

258. A cool part of this painful cycle is to look at precisely why the abuse we experience turns up in our life. As you show Anonymous each incident is not an accident or a mistake by any means but a helping hand to help us expand in some way. It’s ironic how learning to see the bigger picture of life leads us to understand life really is ‘all about us’ and the things that we choose.

259. Realising we are in the driving seats of our lives and that the way we treat ourselves is the blueprint for the way things unfold is incredibly empowering. And yes, not for a moment of self criticism but for the understanding of the way forward. Thank you for this inspiring article.

260. ‘ I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me ‘ what a great line, it brings back the responsibility of what is happening back to us and the way we live and care for ourselves then as you say no more blame.

261. Beyond the issues that we encounter, before the confrontation, we experience there is an attitude and quality we live. And if that quality is one of fear, anxiety, and stress then the reality is we are already lost, already gone, already allowing an attack on ourselves for as you beautifully show Anonymous we are here to live just the Love that we know.

262. It is fascinating how our 1st mechanism is to blame someone else or something outside of ourselves when we are where we are because of the choices we have made whether they have been seemingly good or bad – no one has made them for us.

263. ‘When we give from a place of neediness with the underlying intention to get something back, it is not actually a true expression of love but rather it is manipulation’ – This is such an important thing to understand; when we do things for our partners or anyone out of obligation, neediness and/or because we want something in return, it means that we’re playing games and actually being dishonest with them. Thus if they react or pick up on something that doesn’t feel right, we can’t have a go at them for not doing what we wanted after we’ve temporally ‘helped them out’/supported them.

264. Abuse is all around. And as Anonymous attests, it starts with us. The good news is, love is all around too. It’s then up to us what we choose.

265. Internal frustrations or anger that spill out to another are a sign of something within us needing attention. None of us would ever intentionally want to hurt a loved one, and so the responsibility to address those issues lies with us, and is never about the other.

266. For a long time, I too focussed on what was wrong with my partners – they weren’t doing what I expected, or were doing something I didn’t like, etc, etc. It was a big distraction away from taking responsibility for what I needed to heal…the hurts I was carrying. Now, if I ever go to blame someone else, I usually catch myself and look at my part of the situation. It is a complete game changer.

267. ” So, if I am really honest, how have I been treating myself?” It a good question to continue to ponder as everything is evolving, we are being offered opportunities to deepen our self love with every choice and every movement.

268. How very empowering it is to cease perceiving ourselves as a victim and to ask ‘what is my part in this?’ instead. In my experience, not having enough love and appreciation for myself meant that I was not willing to be clear about appropriate boundaries in relationships. I sold myself a story that I deserved an abusive situation, no doubt based on some age-old religious belief in my sinful nature. Couple that with the need to forgive the perpetrator and it is not difficult to fall into a cycle of abuse. Not that it is about blaming others either – but for me it is about understanding. Understanding the hurts we carry that support our victim/perpetrator mentality. And understanding that it is our responsibility to have enough love for ourselves, heal our hurts and say no to abuse, which is surely a healing for both parties.

269. When I read your questions what could be abusive I stopped with this one ‘The silent treatment?’ No question mark for me as every cell in my body knows how abusive this is, I have experienced it as a child and I have done it myself to others lots of times. It were times when I chose to lock myself up with the idea I did not know how to express what I felt but at the same time very aware that I punished both myself and the other. Nowadays I can see how much pride and manipulation was involved, not healing my own hurts. Choosing to love myself has turned this all around and has changed my relationships with everyone.

270. Anon your blog has offered me a huge amount of healing today. I have just begun to see the extent to which I have allowed and even encouraged the most horrendous abuse towards myself and yes I can see that I allowed it all because I was not willing to truly love myself, I wanted anyone and everyone else to do it for me. When I live in a truly loving way those that seek to abuse run for the hills because there is no opening for their brand of harm to enter.

271. “The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…” This might sound like a grand statement or an interesting philosophical position, but anytime I read this blog Anonymous I find life shows me that there is no leeway, no down time, no part of life we can turn a blind eye to. For when we do, what follows is more of the same, only it builds in intensity and blame. We often turn around and decry others and the situation we find ourselves in, but boy oh boy – the abuse only comes because we accept it shrug our shoulder and say ‘oh well’.

272. Any expression of love that is imposing in any way, even if it be righteous and true, is not true love. And yet, we are too easily fooled by good deeds. After all, who can fault you if you are outgoing, caring, and giving by nature? How could one possibly tell you that you are actually selfish and self-motivated in doing so? How could one possibly say that to do so is a form of manipulation to make it seem like you are truly giving to the world, when the truth is you are only selling the world a false impostor, and withholding your true self back in turn? And therein lies the evil of “doing good.” It is not the action per say that is the issue, but the intention behind such an action. And so, two people can offer a helping hand to a stranger, and one will do so from true love, and the other from a need for their own sense of satisfaction, the latter of which is nothing more than an imposition upon the person they are purporting to help.

     1. This is a beautiful call to even deeper levels of honesty and responsibility. Thank you, Adam.

273. When we can look beyond a particular situation, or reaction we get an opportunity to see so much more of what is going on. Our perspective changes and the patterns of behaviour that run through our lives become obvious.. and that is where the opportunity for true change and to choose something different presents itself.

274. We invite cycles of abuse into our life when we don’t say Yes to Love.

275. I find this a powerful blog, often when I go away from reading what you have to say Anonymous, an example of just what you have written about comes up. Yesterday I truly got to see that no matter what incident happens, no matter who is responsible for going off course, no matter what trick or game is being played out, everything comes back to us to hold ourselves and other people in Love. It’s our failiure in this, that allows abuse in this world

     1. Joseph that’s such a succinct and unquestionable fact ‘everything comes back to us, to hold ourselves and other people in love. It’s our failure in this, that allows abuse in this world’ and leads to the very natural conclusion that if we did all hold both ourselves and all others in love constantly then hey presto, all we would have would be love.

276. It is very liberating to become aware that in one form or another we choose to be in abusive relationships. This brings the honesty that the first abusive relationship that we choose is the one that we have with ourselves. When we are abusive towards ourselves we cannot help but be abusive towards others. Learning to deeply love and cherish ourselves is the answer to ending abuse and this we have every right to choose for ourselves.

277. “The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse”; this for me feels quite freeing as it puts the onus, responsibility and choice, for the way my life is, back to me. Freeing and challenging!

278. You broaden the awareness of what abuse is and where it is hidden or existing where we have not looked before. In such areas as our own body, how much self-neglect is there and what is this doing with our bodies. Then we come to more of the roots of where we allow abuse in our lives so we can heal ourselves and love ourselves back again.

279. There is always a deeper level of care we can go to, which means that what may have been okay before, may well be considered abusive into the future.

280. Beautiful Anon, our world is full of theories and essays on who is to blame, and even in our everyday lives there’s a palpable sense of how ‘everything would be alright if it wasn’t for other people’. Your words cut all that down and make it so clear the beauty and loveliness of our life starts and ends with how much we honour our light.

281. It is a very humbling moment when we realise we are not victims of life but full players in the outplay. It requires an appreciation of the deeper level upon which we interact – on the energetic level, where things are set up. As we become more self-aware and more honest with ourselves it is possible to feel these energetic interactions that precede events. We have much to learn (or remember) about how energy plays out in our relationships and in our world and it is a level of understanding that will transform our interactions with each other.

282. Responsibility for how life is can seem a bit daunting at first but in my experience it opens things up, allows you to let go of held beliefs and emotions and makes space for change. Something worth embracing.

283. It is so interesting to understand that everything that happens to us is a direct result of how we have been, or not been, with ourselves. If this were taught to us from a young age, even before school, we would grow up loving ourselves dearly enough to always take this level of care with whatever we were doing and consequently prevent so much ultimately self inflicted abuse.

284. This is gold: “When we give from a place of neediness with the underlying intention to get something back, it is not actually a true expression of love but rather it is manipulation.” And it deserves to be repeated. This “I scratch your back, you scratch mine” attitude is a very dishonest complicity that disempowers all involved and denies them their true gloriousness and standing as equals.

285. One variation on abuse I have seen is the person who simply feels guilty, without necessarily any specific reason. That person can tolerate quite a lot of abuse as they feel they deserve it and may even feel uncomfortable with somebody being loving and harmonious as that does not fit with their self image how they should be treated.

286. ‘Love is actually who we are’ and when we accept this we will see our place in the world, alongside everyone else, with purpose and the magic of responsibility.

287. It is far to easy to blame another than take responsibility for ourselves and look at our stuff and how we live.

     1. Perhaps even blame is needed for us to allow ourselves to abuse or to allow ourselves to be abused. The moment we stop blaming, either behaviour might seem absurd.

288. This is a great call exposing the amount of abuse in relationships which start from the abuse we have with ourselves firstly and how it all plays out. “This has been a BIG DISTRACTION from facing, feeling and healing the deep hurts in me and acknowledging how those hurts translate into non-loving expressions, blaming others and behaviours within my relationships.” This is a revelatory blog on the basis of abuse in our lives and our relationships offering a true reflection and change from honesty and healing.

289. How amazing is that! Our responsibility actually is to deeply care for our bodies and ourselves all the time, so we have a healthy, vital body that can accept love from another person. Also so we don’t feel resentful when the other takes time for themselves because we are deeply cared for. This would turn many relationships around.

     1. Very true Lieke. It’s interesting to see that I have spent most of my life investing in other people in the hope that they will ‘pay me back’ by being ‘there for me’. This is a great set up for disappointment and sadness because nobody else can bring me what I have not given myself.

        1. Yes and not only that, it is also not true love if you have to do something to have someone being loving around you! True love is unconditional.

290. ‘So, if I am really honest, how have I been treating myself? Have I listened deeply to what my body truly wants?’ – an essential communication to have and to live.

291. We can hear the words ‘self love’ a million times but it will mean nothing to us until we are willing to let go of our hurts and realise that only we can bring the love to ourselves that we have longed for all our lives. And once we do, we can accept that it was there all along inside us and how precious we truly are.

     1. Very true Janet, and this can bring a huge amount of joy that we are otherwise missing out on.

292. We cannot accept something unless we first live it. This is true of both love and abuse.

     1. A big revelation just in one line. Thank you Liane.

293. To share your understanding that abuse starts within oneself first, and to write it in full responsibility of this, is very healing on many levels

294. Well said Kate. Reactions are abusive.

295. Once I broke through the terror of not wanting to admit I was responsible for all that played out in my life I have been able to build a respectful relationship with myself that is founded on responsibility, understanding and self-care.

296. Love is never an ideal or destination. It is every moment of holding and feeling each other without judgement and reading deeper this moment than the last and never hold back in expressing it to each other.

297. Once we start recognising the things, habits, behaviours that are abusive, and then calling it out and saying no to it, this then creates a new platform of what we allow and don’t allow in the form of that abuse. Then what we define as ‘abuse’ changes, until this cycle repeats again… and again… Certainly what constitutes abuse to one person has a different definition to another.

298. Abuse can mean so many things to many different people, what we have gotten used to and what we call abuse changes over time, we either accept deeper layers of abuse, making the former abuse no longer abusive or find ways to break the cycle and find subtler ways that we abuse ourselves and others, until all we are left with is our precious, sensitive selves…

     1. Yes, Joel abuse can mean so many different things to so many different people, well said. It’s so important to break through these ideas and get to the truth of what it is, which like you said, brings us back to our precious, sensitive selves.

299. It’s so lovely to meet another from that place of knowing that you are love and holding them with that love. Then there is nothing in the way, only two equally divine beings, enjoying moments together in love.

300. ‘The unspoken deal in these relationships has been “I’ll give you what you need, if you give me what I need.” An arrangement’ …. a deal where we can hide and exist without evolving. It’s a total cop out, a refusal to take responsibility, to live the love that we are. We stay comfortable, yet we are giving up the potential of so much more and in turn denying everyone else of so much more – US

301. It is life-changing when we take responsibility for addressing the hurts from the past that we keep replaying in the here and now, as it frees us up to be fully present and free to choose the quality of our movements and be our naturally loving selves in relationship.

302. We are the servants of love which is our purpose in life and nothing else. Everything that wavers from that we can say is a way of abuse, as it is not adhering to our purpose and to the beings we are.

303. It is apparent to see that the type of relationship we have with another is a reflection and insight to the type of relationship we have with ourselves.

304. It is the unspoken, subtle forms of abuse that we agree to in our daily lives that then play out in the gross forms of abuse we rightly say no to in our society. But it is the fact that the more hidden forms of abuse remain unchallenged, in fact perpetuated by a lack of self-responsibility that creates the breeding ground for the widespread abuse we see today. Abuse doesn’t come our way unless we have abused ourselves first.

305. ‘When we give from a place of neediness with the underlying intention to get something back, it is not actually a true expression of love but rather it is manipulation. – Ouch! This is very exposing for me as there is no doubt I have done things for people only to expect things in return – but in that is no love or support – and anything that is not that is abuse. It is huge to talk about how subtle abuse is and how we seem to put up with it most days – but we can bring it back to what truly feels loving.

306. It is very true I think that we often train others how to treat us by the way we hold or cherish ourselves or not.

307. Relationships and the cycle of abuse is tied up together in our society and way of living accepted on earth today and this needs to change and the real and honest meaning of love needs to be seen acknowledged and lived as this is who we are and anything less than this is not love and not truly from us. A brilliant sharing on the abuse that offers us a real understanding from honesty and love and the true relationship we can be with ourselves first allowing all relationships to build from here.

308. I have to come back to this statement, ‘Anything less than love is abuse, as these few words, whether it be self-love, love for our partners or for each other could change the world overnight. We don’t have to settle for anything less, it is just a choice and yet we still do.

309. This definition ..’The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…blows me away to redefine what abuse is. Abuse is everything that is not love, this brings a whole new dimension to our understanding of what is acceptable. I know I can now reflect to myself what I have accepted in the past, and not accept it in my future relationships and friendships. It is ourselves that have allowed it, and it is ourselves that can change it.

310. So true. The fact is that the cycle of abuse exists within before we create it on the outside. This is so important to understand and to turn around by making the choice to be love with ourselves. Abusive relationships don’t just happen with our partners in life but if we are in that cycle within ourselves it is reflected in our relationship with life itself and with all other people – because it is our reflection. Only when we change the person looking into the reflection can the reflection change too.

311. The seeking of abusive relationships comes from the lack of love, which perpetuates a relationship lacking love, the cycle is so so real!

312. Powerful message!! Love this, “The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…” You are so right! Thanks for sharing this. We all need a little self-evaluation in our relationships.

313. Abuse is rampant in our society and we need to call it out within ourselves and within society. That is the only way that things can and will change. It requires us to get really honest about how we are living and to take responsibility for it.

314. It may sound strange but there can be comfort in abuse. If the outer matches how we treat ourselves, then that match is comfortable. Alternatively, if we treat ourselves horribly then someone comes along and loves us, can we handle it? Or do we even recognise it? Whilst we crave love from the outside we will never be able to receive it until we firstly give it to ourselves.

315. As a child I experienced various forms of abuse and now I understand clearly what abuse is and how I contributed to the cycle of abuse by choosing to be the victim and not stand up for love and truth. ‘The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…’ Absolutely! This has opened my eyes and heart up to understanding what abuse means and by taking responsibility for the choices I made that feed this cycle. Also choosing lovingly to learn from my past choices supports me to make more loving choices.

316. Something I have learnt this year is that even the simple fact of taking someone for granted and not fully appreciating them is abuse. It has been and still is a massive learning. Sonething I know is that anything less than love is abuse.

317. it is a deeply freeing process to bring complete honesty to the best of our ability to the part we have played in an abuse cycle – it is not a judgement but in fact affords us a great insight into the contracts we have made to stay in a way of living that suits us – be it to stay small, to hide, not shine, keep it comfortable, or resist a greater truth that is being offered to us. To accept our part is the first steps towards returning to the responsibility we have once relinquished, and also the freedom and joy that comes with it..

318. Working with women who have experienced domestic abuse and through my own past experience of feeling a victim I am aware that we heal better when we drop the resentment and blame. Staying in victim energy just perpetuates the cycle.

     1. I agree Samantha, when we drop resentment and blame it means we are willing to take responsibility for what we have experienced. This highlights to me, by choosing to take responsibility is very healing.

319. Victimising one’s self is almost, if not as harmful as the directed abuse.

320. I have noticed that even when anyone is agitated and there is harshness in their voice and mannerism, the depth of love and honouring with which Serge Benhayon responds, slowly and ever so tenderly diffuses the momentum. It is as if he understands the angst the person is feeling and he also recognises the purity of love and integrity that is their true and innate essence. Although I have some way to go to be able to live this, the consistent reflection of how Serge Benhayon lives has shown me beyond question that the only true way to respond to others is with absolute love, regardless of what they themselves are expressing.

321. Being the victim or the judge and jury is an avoidance of being able to see our part in a situation, as everything is a reflection. Both parties have a part that is there to be exposed, shifted and healed within before the true healing can take place.

322. The ‘subtle’ emotional manipulation that we are all capable of in relationships is considered so normal currently that we are yet to define it as a form of abuse generally in society. However have we considered that this kind of abuse may be just as harmful as outright physical abuse, but because the damage done is more hidden and not visible with the eyes, we don’t consider it in this way.

323. As you say, looking at what is right or wrong in someone else really is a dead end, and a cycle comes in…they will never be good enough, and all the disappointment and feeling let down comes with that. I am learning to hold / behold myself and all as more than enough, in essence we are divine (I feel) We are a whole lot more love than we are not love and so I am learning to see more, and not react so much to the behaviours and habits but go deeper, in so doing, a deeper connection is built and the issues become something to work with not focus on. (no perfection but it is feeling good)

324. “The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…” bring it back to this and life is simple, we are fulfilled and society can change. Deviate away from true love, even a micro step and the cracks start to appear.

325. The belief that I am the ‘victim’ and someone else is the ‘perpetrator’ keeps us locked in the blame game and once we start to take responsibility for our part in it we can then start to change the choices we make and put an end to the ‘cycle of abuse’.

326. This is a powerful statement that I whole-heartedly agree with: “I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me and I now know the very step I need to take to break the cycle of abuse. That step is to take full responsibility for the loving, caring of and nurturing of myself and that requires me to be willing to feel and honor myself in full.” There have been occasions when after ages of putting up with less than desirable behaviour directed towards me, I had enough and realised I needed to step up my own appreciation and honouring of myself. I imagined with this new lease of self respect I would be able to respond well and the situation would slowly get better. But, in actual reality, the person stopped engaging in that behaviour altogether! It is the most mind boggling thing, it only makes sense if we realise there is an energetic interchange at play.

327. It’s a whole new foundation isn’t it, that we lovingly care for ourselves first and that this is in fact our greatest responsibility in relationships.

328. “And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?” For a long time I had no ears for what my body was telling me, only eyes that looked out, looking elsewhere to lay blame for my own shortcomings. This blog reveals what we do to ourselves to avoid our true selves and the loving beings we actually are. Crazy that we avoid true love in favour of a few crumbs.

329. I used to choose cycles of abuse in relationships because it was part of my identity. I remember being scared of what life would be like without it. Not so anymore… I have a building tenderness towards, and love of myself, others and life, that is more precious and enriching than I could ever have imagined back then.

330. “I expressed in a less than lovely way, my partner reacted in a less than lovely way and voila – cycle of abuse played out”.
     Voila, the cycle of abuse, so common in relationships, goes round and around unless we take the responsibility to respond in another way; as you did Anon. A beautiful, honest and inspirational blog, thank you for sharing your experiences and your wisdom.

331. This cycle of abuse is one I am familiar with and it starts with me. A big part of it begins with a fantasy about the perfect man I would like to be with, how they will treat me etc. Crucially it begins with me not being this way with me but demanding it of another so already I begin with a lack of responsibility and a default readiness for the partner not fulfilling my expectations. This is great to be aware of because it frees me of all the wishful thinking, the yearning, the waiting for prince charming and allows me to be the love I am and feel the love already present in my life.

332. What a great realisation Anon – beautifully exposing how we set ourselves up to have a lack of support and not be met by another, simply because we already BELIEVE it is not going to be there for us. How easy to fall into blame of another, when in fact it has been our choice in the first place to be in separation with expressing from the quality of victim / martyr energy held within our bodies.
     “……on honest reflection of this occasion I was able to feel and acknowledge that how I had expressed had come loaded with victim or martyr energy; already resigned to the belief I would neither be met nor supported!”

333. It is fascinating how we can so easily go to blaming another for woes rather than stopping to see our role in what has happened and thus taking responsibility. Blaming others does not change anything. We are given an opportunity to learn in each and every moment and the more we embrace what we are being offered the more love we will naturally be. Very simple yet revealingly challenging when we have to accept we are responsible for what is or has happened to us or atleast had a part to play in it.

334. This blog needs to be shared far and wide, so that we all are reminded of what true care for ourselves actually is and can start saying no to anything that is less than love in our lives.

335. It is a huge point when we know that we are choosing the abusive relationships, and then can recognise in ourselves how that plays out with us first – how amazing are relationships that can show us so much, and constantly reflecting back to us what we can change and also as a confirmation.

336. ‘The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…’ Reading this I felt an ouch as I realise I still have a way to go in making each moment in my day about love. Great to read this morning and feel the simple choice to make all of my day about love.

337. Being always honest in expression and never forsaking the harmony within is what all relationships deserve as the most basic form of respect.

338. ‘The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…’ Love is our one and only true measure. Everything must come firstly from the point of Love.

339. It has been a giant learning for me to look at how I have behaved in relationships and how most of the criticism and judgements have come from me. It is such an eye opener and makes me feel very humble now, learning and re-imprinting how to be in relationships with love. I know I can still revert into old patterns occasionally, so there is ongoing development here maintaining my awareness. This blog helps enormously to, thank you.

340. “We have been sold a very skewed message of what love actually IS!! We have been told that love is something reserved for a particular person or group of people whom we hold above all else.”
     Totally agree Anon, it is totally skewed, what about Valentines day….if we were to live the love we know we are then this celebration would be a culmination of everything you had lived up until this moment, a celebration of our unified fullness. Yet so rarely is this the case, for this one day offering has become a moment to fix or elastoplast the hurts and reactions that play out in our day to day lives, only for it all to roll out again the next day!

341. Watching myself, its fascinating to observe how I have invited criticism in from others close to me because of my own holding back and not claiming with authority what I feel is right for me. By having the window of self-doubt, being tentative, or thinking I am wrong I leave a big barn door well and truly open to get smashed or seemingly picked on by another. In truth being picked on by another can only happen if I allow it.

342. I agree we need to bring our all to every relationship, particularly our more intimate relationships, then the other immediately knows what they are in for and wether this is the type of relationship they want. I went on a date with a man a while ago, he was a gorgeous man, but I could feel he wanted a woman to retire with, I did not hold back on who I was and were I was going with my future and it was very obvious after the first date that even though we were 2 beautiful people we were heading in very different directions. It was easy then to acknowledge this to each other and move on with no hurt feelings.

343. Thanks anon, this was an awesome reminder – how can we expect others to live us if we can’t even be bothered to do it ourselves… Brilliantly simple!

344. It seems to me that we abuse ourselves far more than we get abused by others, but we sure like to focus more on the abuse we receive from others, perhaps to distract ourselves from the levels of self-abuse and disregard that consider normal.

345. I have been discovering recently that any time I am expressing less than my full self that this is actually abusive and disrespectful to everyone around me. This has come as a bit of a surprise and an ouch as I used to believe that if I was keeping myself to myself and not intruding on anyone or their space then this was not abusive, but when I retreat and do not express who I am it disconnects me from everyone around me which actually hurts them.

346. Taking responsibility for loving ourselves, being totally nurturing for ourselves is so important otherwise we are in abuse. This sounds harsh yet if we are committed, this becomes apparent. Always wanting someone else to love us more than we love ourselves and more than they love themselves seems silly once I have said it out loud, yet this is what we often ask for or silently expect. We magnify the energy we are in. If what we are sowing and what we are reaping is less than love then we need to change this.

347. Sometimes we can convince ourselves that what we are accepting is not abuse, just so we don’t have to fess up and admit it and then call it out. But in the end, either way, we have to choose love, so why prolong it?

348. There are so so many pictures and perceptions, ideals and beliefs we hold about what love is and what it means to be loving with another that are not actually true or in any way what true love is about. For instance, being firm and truth-full, expressing all of what we feel in our heart, in situations where another needs to hear it but may not always want to is actually an integral part of loving another. We often do not do this as we do not want the possible reaction from the other.

349. It is such a game changer when we start to realise that a cycle of abuse starts with how we mis-treat ourselves and from there escalates into allowing abuse from the outside.

350. As we start getting super honest about the cycles of abuse we all live in and is already there in our lives the amount of abuse becomes anything that is not love and all else stands out as not this. this changes everything and will begin to change humanity to a truer way of honouring ourselves and each other and allow truth and being ness to be our evolution and way.

351. “Love is who we are” to cherish our essence and nature and nurture us accordingly, this is our responsibility, I agree.

352. It brings great healing into our lives to know that abuse is just a cycles of behaviour we consistently choose. The more we study reflect and see how we contribute to the abusive cycles we find ourselves in, the more clearly we can say no to abuse if we so choose.

353. I too have found that if we are continually abusive with ourselves, we are actually creating the opening to allow another to abuse us also. So the cycle of abuse can stop with us choosing to allow love first for ourselves then what flows from that will know what is love and not allow what is not.

354. Abuse is absolutely a cycle, one person abuses another and then they return the abuse and so forth and so forth. All it takes is for one person to be the one to say – No, this is not the principles upon which I choose to live by and instead make a choice based on integrity and love, and the cycle is broken and there is a chance for a fresh start.

355. It seems that whatever path we are on, life is cyclical in nature – so if we are not choosing a cycle of love, what are we choosing? If we find ourselves in a cycle of abuse, then maybe we need to get off and choose a new bike.

356. A beautiful and accessible invitation to explore my relationship with responsibility and the part I play in everything – thank you.

357. Taking on the responsibility for our every action or circumstance is the best thing we can do for ourselves if we want to evolve. I find it so liberating to be able accept this and no longer blame others for where i am at.

358. This is a revelation well to ponder on: is there at any time a victim or a perpetrator? If we apply what you shared here in our daily lives, we are asked to take more responsibility in our own lives.

359. Love is actually who we are – sometimes it is very hard to believe this when we look at and see the lovelessness displayed in our behaviour in varying degrees – unspoken jealousy and bickering between individuals to mass destruction by war, throughout the history to this day, as well as the behaviour and thoughts we ourselves held and acted in our own privacy, it comes from the same seed, and the extreme that we have allowed this in our reality is heart wrenching. But the truth is the truth – that we ARE love, so the question is when do we start living that truth? And it is our choice, and I can only make my own choice to do so, and that is my responsibility.

360. Our relationship with abuse is not one that is often seen with equal responsibility by those giving, receiving and observing.

     1. Both victim and aggressor are run by one and the same energy that seeks to annihilate the expression of our love.

361. I love the process that you have shared in this blog anon, that in the very act of writing this blog it created a level of introspection and honesty that we can all learn from. There are times I may go to blame another for something that has occurred for me but then I stop myself as I realise that it is my own doing. What feels important to me in regard to abuse is more to clock what caused it to occur and to shut the door on it happening again, either outwardly or inwardly.

362. Abuse in relationships is often lead in due to either sympathy, or recognition of the potential of the partner to be different, or our own need to have a relationship being given precedence over our right to live a life free from abuse.

363. Anon, you explore the subtle complexities that play out in relationships and I saw so clearly how much is at play in our day to day lives. The line about your belief that you will never be met and supported, and the martyr energy struck a chord because I have so been there and done that. And in that moment you declare your frustration even though you have been met and supported a trillion times before! It is important to delve into what ideals, beliefs and pictures you have buried within you, and pick them up, look at them and see if they are actually yours or something you have taken on that is not you. Only when we do this, will we be truly free.

364. At some point someone needs to be the one, who will hold the truth, and unwaveringly stay tender and free. We have this opportunity to ‘step up’ each and every moment of life and to me this ‘holding’ is the main factor that determines the world that we see. The current state or mode of thinking as you show Anonymous is that the abuse and horrible events are coincidences that are ‘done’ to us. That is as you brilliantly show simply not the reality – we are all ‘the ones’ with the key in our hand.

365. “The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…” Ouch. This is painful but it’s true.

366. Being a victim is seen as a big thing by society. They use that word so much when describing incidents between others and make a point of saying the victim/s ………The dictionary says, a person who has come to feel helpless and passive in the face of misfortune or ill-treatment. Using the word victim, does not support the person to feel empowered in a situation, it feels quite debilitating and disempowering to me, and that is exactly how I used to feel when I chose to run with that excuse and not take responsibility for my life. It seems that if we can keep blaming another or a thing, we don’t need to take responsibility for anything really. For me now, every day my responsibility to myself first, is to check in with myself and how I am feeling, and for me now, this is a self loving and responsible thing to do for myself and others, and helps me to be more honest about what I am have gone into.

367. We have got to a level of abuse in our relationships so that we really don’t know what true abuse is any more ….it has become a ‘norm’ that we accept and are asked to accept in our daily lives. To take responsibility for our own part in that is great , and to be open to seeing when we are entertaining that abusive energy,

368. When I am caught in a situation it is the habitual response is to act as a victim, blame and put the onus of change on others. The standard ‘caring’ response has traditionally been sympathy or rolling up leaves to help the fight! What a great reflection this blog provides that the real unfolding and change comes from choosing to stop, allow ourself to be deeply honest and willing to feel all the situations is there to reveal. Yes sometimes it is a bitter pill to see the extent of our own contribution to the mess, but this is far less painful than sentencing ourself to repeating the same scenario again and again until we do learn its lesson.

369. ‘And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?’ – This simple truth is something that needs to be taught in homes, schools and workplaces everywhere – nobody is going to treat us the way we deserve unless we are firstly treating ourselves with genuine love and care.

370. Dear Anonymous. Thank you for your honesty in the sharing of your blog. A few lights went on as I continued reading, not having appreciated fully the extent of abuse that we each possibly are responsible for on any day in just the smallest of ways that allow the smouldering ashes of discontent to be fed. What an awesome reminder to come back to looking lovingly at our own hurts, behaviours, responses or reactions first with lashings of self love to accompany the reflecting.

371. I would never have said I abused myself years ago when I drank alcohol – I said I was a social drinker and justified that what I was doing was ok. Now I can see how abusive drinking alcohol was to myself along with the other ways I was not being loving with myself. But these are the obvious ways and the more love we have for ourselves, even little unloving acts can be felt as abusive.

     1. So true Sandra, and moreover what is our responsibility in terms of other people, I see now that to drink is to normalise something that poisons my body, and as a human condition we so often measure how well we are doing against another. So we can take this self care further and see that reflecting a deep care for ourself inspires others that they can do likewise.

372. Relating to what you have shared is so simple for me. Issues are or were the driving force that took a toll on my life. Reflecting on my relationship as you have described anon, I still have a way to go to be full-filling my day with love.

373. The thing is – if we don’t deal with this stuff right now, it just comes round again to bite us on the bum (harder than it did the last time). So, best to roll our sleeves up, get real, get honest and face this stuff. Without judgement – that part is key – judgement is a last minute get-out-clause that the spirit throws in as a desperate attempt at not being fully exposed.

374. Blaming others is a big distraction from really being honest about and healing our own hurts and reactions to life. When we make it the other person’s fault then we don’t have to look at any choices that we are making which only serves to hold us back. It’s not that we are to accept or condone abuse but to stay open to seeing and feeling what there is for us to learn about any situation.

375. Being prepared to see our reflection and to then make any changes that are being called for is the ultimate in responsible self-parenting; something that I am learning every day. When that refection comes from your partner it can be often be particularly raw and exposing – but if your commitment is primarily to evolution – then we can take anything that is shown to us. It’s all about getting self out of the way.

376. There is much we can learn about ourselves from any realtionship we have with another person, whether they are a partner, family member, friend or work colleague, when we are willing to be open and honest with ourselves and each other. The ‘blame game’ is all too easy to get caught up in and a great excuse to not take responsibility for the part we have to play in any given situation.

377. Your honesty and openness here will inspire others, myself included. I don’t feel you’re beating yourself up, but rather taking a good look in the mirror. How can we expect to change if we can’t be real and raw with ourselves. Thank you for the sharing.

378. Once we stop and take stock of our behaviours we begin to reveal the patterns of abuse that have been going on. Like you Anon I focussed on the other persons short comings – and forgot to look at myself. As I begin to build a closer relationship with me I can look at myself in a more kindly light – seeing the imperfections and also appreciating the changes I have made to become more self loving.

     1. It’s so common that we focus on another person’s short comings rather than our part in a situation, yet we have much more to learn from our own reactions and behaviours than when we criticise another!

379. ‘The understanding that I am coming to is that to truly heal and put this cycle of abuse to rest, Once and For All, we must deeply and honestly look into how we are and have been, firstly with ourselves.’ – A significant statement, taking full responsibility for our actions both physically and energetically is a real game changer.

380. My partner and I did find out that we sometimes have a good understanding about what is going on with the other, by reading the energy, but not such a good expression in the way we offer change. And thats because we do not want to change first. ‘If you would…than I could…’ is a no-go now. First look at ourselves if there is something going on we do not like. I have to ask myself: how did it come that far? What did I do to support it? Than: change my part of being / expressing and see what happens. The situation and relationship will change naturally, of course as I brought in a change.

381. Relationships and abuse really are coming up to be looked at and seen with the enormous amount of abuse harm and blame in the world that we all subscribe to. By taking responsibility for our own relationship with ourselves and the way we treat ourselves and living the love we are is the first way to begin to call out the abuse we live with as normal and accept. Blaming others is the easiest way to not look at our own responsibility and this is a great blog sharing the truth about what is really going on and how we can make changes and create loving relationships and bring a halt to abuse wherever we are.

382. Our situation in life is always a reflection of our internal relationship, ie. our relationship with ourself. When we accept nothing less than love for ourselves, then the world will reflect this back to us through our relationships.

383. Having people around us who reflect the truth is a blessing. We sometimes don’t like hearing it, but it gives us the opportunity to stop and consider what patterns are at play.

     1. I agree Debra, stop moments are gold and an opportunity to reflect on what is going on.

384. We have totally normalised accepting less than love to the point that we have accepted domestic violence rates that are through the roof.

385. Aaaah ever since I read this blog Anonymous, my life keeps presenting relentlessly situations where I react and go into blaming someone else. Yet the beautiful thing is I can no longer indulge in the idea I am having it ‘done to me’, now I simply have to face and take my responsibility. Sometimes it has taken me longer than others to get real, but ultimately, in the end I return to the true facts. So thank you from all of me for your brilliant honesty.

386. “So in this scenario, I expressed in a less than lovely way, my partner reacted in a less than lovely way…” – quite Anon, and in other words – ‘starting how we mean to go on’ for that’s what returns to us.

387. All of our hurts are with us, and they don’t just get left behind in 2016 or the year before if we don’t deal with them and the thing is, they don’t just hurt us, but they affect the way we are with everyone else so in effect they hurt everyone. When I look at it like this, I realise how important it is to express and communicate with those around me and work through any hurts so that I don’t carry and hold onto them.

     1. So true Rosie. Over the years I have found that although dealing and feeling my hurts has felt intense at times, it has allowed something that is not me to release, made more room for confirming who I am and I feel a greater clarity in my body daily, no longer carrying around the dead weight of hurts.

        1. Sure thing, those dead weights of hurts are huge to carry.

388. It is amazing when we consider our own responsibility in the reflection we get in relationships. I have had relationships where I have felt wronged or a victim,,,when I started considering my role I in them and my responsibility, this empowerment and freedom began to unfold.

     1. It’s interesting to reflect on the roles we play in relationships. Either giving our power away to another or being the dominant one. When we each take responsibility for how we are, standing for truth, respecting others voices and how we express there is a lovely equal feeling in relationships.

     2. Getting out of the victim mindset is both very liberating and also then delivers to us our responsibility. That is what playing the victim is all about – avoiding that responsibility.

        1. Well said Otto, playing the victim mode changes nothing and stops you from taking responsibility. In fact it buries you deeper and further away from the love that you are.

389. Such a loving and gentle question to ask ourselves ” How am I treating myself today”? How is my self talk, is it possible that there is a harshness that it could manifest physically there would be marks on my body? This is a powerful question to very lovingly present to ourselves. And with no harshness or further mental flogging how do I respond to others, is there anything less that gentle honouring in my thoughts, intentions and actions?

     1. Reflecting and being aware about our self talk is an indicator to how we have been treating ourselves.

     2. A beautiful reminder Sandra. I notice that when I am not treating myself kindly I do not treat others kindly either. If this could manifest visually in a physical sense I would be black and blue.

390. Thank you for your honesty Anon, it is we that stop the cycle of abuse in its tracks when we live with such responsibility for our part. This is truly loving. “We have been sold a very skewed message of what love actually IS!! The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…”

391. Anon, we all play a part in everything. The key is to be open to seeing this and open to the learning that comes with each situation, like you have here. In every relationship we play a part as does the other, so there is only a victim when we play that. Beautiful to read how you have self-empowered and grown with your own willingness to do so!

392. I can strongly feel what you share about our misinterpretation of love and how this relates to abuse. How many people remain in a physically abusive relationship because they ‘love’ their partner?
     There is no love in abuse, and as you share, ‘anything less than LOVE is actually abuse’. Needy love is abuse, self-sacrifice or selflessness is abuse. Thank you for exposing the games we allow to play out in the ‘name of love’, which actually hold no love whatsoever.

393. Great sharing Anon, ‘I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me’. . . . this is a very important point as what life reflects back to us is always an opportunity to learn and grow. Blame is a cop out. It is a shirking of the responsibility we have to read the situation and understand our part in it and where our learning lies. And we are never too young for this my grandchildren and always asked to look at their part in every situation, We need to blow blame out of the water if we are serious about healing our hurts and committing to life.

394. I also felt to add that I speak to a number of men about domestic abuse and each one of them share that if words could visibly be seen on the body then the statistics for domestic violence would be a clearer picture of the level of abuse within relationships. The weight would sadly sit with men being the majority perpetrators, however there is whole new conversation to be had and so much to be worked on in our relationships with ourselves to take responsibility for what we bring in relationships.

395. It really takes a moment to stop and consider the level of responsibility we bring to our relationships and the consequences of that responsibility or, dare I say it, irresponsibility. To ask another to do for you what you are not prepared to do for yourself is an imposition and a burden in the relationship. I put both hands up and probably both feet too – I have been there and done that and there is a possibility that I am still doing things I am not aware of yet. Yet the moment I become aware of it – thank you Universal Medicine for bringing the awareness of this level of responsibility into my life – I decided to take ownership of my own do-dos and not impose that on others in my life. The difference was enormous. I know I still fall back but when I do I am quick to feel the yuk and the manipulation and try very hard to own the responsibility, my relationships now have far more potential for growth and a much deeper level of love and support for each other.

     1. Beautifully said Lucy – I too have been and still at times am needy or imposing in some way in relationships – and so this is the learning and the opportunity to be aware and grow and take full responsibility for myself on all levels. I too got a far greater understanding of relationships and the dynamics that can happen when I encountered the teachings of Universal Medicine, and I am so deeply thankful for coming across this and being open to putting it into practice for my life – and as a result my relationships have certainly transformed beautifully.

396. I agree Katie, it makes all the difference when we are willing to see our own contribution to the relationship and fully acknowledge what we see.

397. Thank you, Anon, for being so honest in exposing the deals we make with each other to avoid having to face our loveless choices. To be open to addressing our unresolved needs and attachments is a great leap towards truly loving relationships.

398. “I have discovered a cyclical pattern within our relationship that feels very old and very familiar!”
     It strikes me how familiar I am with the movements of these cyclical patterns and how counter it feels to the potential simplicity on offer when we don’t choose it.

399. The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…this is a huge and very true statement Anon, one that we conveniently like to ignore if it means we can get what we want. The only thing is, everyone is suffering and paying the price for our deceit.

400. If we loved ourselves we wouldn’t be in abusive relationships.

     1. Big ouch in that statement Gyl. Very true, so many are unaware of what it is to love ourselves and instead work on the outside to bring that love.

        1. I know I do and have done all this lifetime if not more, I can look in the most ridiculous of places, which is so damaging and detrimental to our health, light, that innermost centre, part of us, inside we know is so full of love, complete and whole, it’s like, and we do diminish ourselves and chip away out our power, strength and innate knowing, every time we do this – this is a very old pattern I am changing and working on.

401. In a Loveless world, abuse has become the new normal and when left unchecked grows like a cancer!

402. It is huge the radius what lovelessness and abuse is. I find it in the most hidden corners and to clock it and being able to nominate it brings a deeper responsibility.Like you describe Anon, when another calls it out for us we have the choice to shut down and go into reaction and as such allow more abuse or we take responsibility for it, which is a loving choice.

403. Thank you Anon for sharing your deep insight about abusive relationships. The more I allow myself to be aware of myself the merrier I am with finding where I am abusing myself or others. Therefore awareness is a very important ingredient for living in a true relationship for me too.

404. Because we have an idea or a picture about what we think abuse is, for instance, being bashed or being verbally abused heaps, then when we see or experience more subtle forms of abuse we often do not even register these as abuse.

405. How powerfully we can seek and then engineer our relationships to reflect exactly what we want confirmed in our lives – be it misery, victimhood, and the position of one being abused by his or her partner. In no way is this to condone abuse, and there are times where it must be called out in full and completely halted by whatever means necessary, unwaveringly so.
     Yet do we truly take responsibility for our own unhealed aspects, and at times more insidious manipulations that can come via our own expression, that seek to enrage or trigger another – is this not abusive also? I would say that women know this well, and also what it is to then feign they had nothing to do in the matter, if their partner couldn’t help but explode after being pushed into a corner himself (because ‘we’ want to play out our own hurts, and have them ‘confirmed’ when someone is awful back to us in return)…
     Thank-you for writing this Anonymous, for we do need to dig far deeper if we are ever to end cycles of abuse – and the buck does indeed stop with ourselves.

406. We must always look at ourselves and our parts we have played before we can look at another.

407. The reason we see the faults in others is because we judge ourselves on our faults. Once we start to drop the judgement towards ourselves, the judgement of others will also disappear.

408. Around me I hear a lot of people being quite negative, blaming and cynical. As if the world is ‘wrong’, rather then taking responsibility for their own lifes and stop this abusive way of being with themselves and often with others. We’re in fact very tender and caring people, yet we do a lot to cover up the not so loving choices and keep people out and hold them to ransom. Connection versus hardness – everyone makes their own choice. Constantly, day after day, moment after moment.

409. So often we don’t look at our part of the cycle of abuse, and instead focus on our partner or the other persons behaviour, not what lead up to this situation. This is a revealing sharing Anon. Thank you.

410. Thankyou Anon, I can see the subtleties of these arrangements in my own life in all kinds of relationships, and the expectations that get set up and the subsequent hurts. As you say, we all have a responsibility to be love and live this love, which involves no expectations or neediness of others.

411. Focussing on what our partner or other people do wrong or even more generally, on what’s wrong with the world without taking responsibility for our very own and personal part in it all – and our investment in the status quo – doesn’t lead anywhere except for more of the same.

412. Our intentions are so important. For instance the last part in what you shared here: “I was able to feel and acknowledge that how I had expressed had come loaded with victim or martyr energy; already resigned to the belief I would neither be met nor supported!” we say something to another in such a way that can seem a question like what you said to your partner but actually is only a venting the frustration of not honouring our own bodies in the day so we feel tired in the end, and thus not truly asking for support. If we would in such a situation ask for support from the true intention because we are honestly tired and would love some help there would be a totally different response, thus the importance of loving care for ourself through the day so we can ask from that loving intention and are not in reaction.

413. I keep coming back to this blog because it helps me to see my part in every uncomfortable or abusive interaction I experience. Thank you for sharing so honestly Anon.

414. Life is like the most loving, impartial bystander. it allows us to do whatever we like, it never judges us, however evil our deeds may be and it constantly reflects us back to ourselves, so that we can see at any point in time who we’re choosing to be and choose to be someone different if we want to.

415. Anon reading this line again this morning ‘The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse’ makes me wonder how life would change if we actually had that line as our lived understanding of the word abuse. Our definitions of words are what allows life to be as it is, we calibrate life to our common understanding of words, therefore if we were to change our common understanding of words then so too would we change the way that we live.

416. If every one of us chose to no longer be abusive within ourselves, abuse worldwide would come to an end… so in fact we are all responsible for the abuse occurring in the world today, and it exposes how we are with ourselves.

     1. Very true Paula, we don’t like to think that we are a part of the abuse we see playing out in the world, but as you say if we have not addressed the abuse in our own lives we are adding to the pool of abuse. How we care for ourselves, the way we speak to ourselves, the choices we make in life everyday are all either loving or not.

417. We can try and blame others for our life situation when in truth it is the unloving acts towards ourselves that we then carry out into our daily lives creating more of the same.

418. ‘So, if I am really honest, how have I been treating myself?’ – An honest response to this significant question will already make all the difference.

419. “The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse”… a power-full statement but true, bringing a whole new level of self-responsibility.

420. I love this blog. It is so real and tangible for all to learn. There is no hidden agenda about how to blame another but the truth that everything stems back to us and what we have allowed and not allowed in our way of living. This blog is a gem in helping so many with their relationships in all walks of life.

421. I see here what you have described, an arrangement doesn’t truly allow us to feel what is love in a relationship only the unresolved tension which sometimes isn’t actually a problem with the relationship itself but more a reflection of what we part in it is.

422. ‘So, if I am really honest, how have I been treating myself?’ This is a question we can ask ourselves each day, to develop our awareness of the cycle of self abuse so many of us go into as a normal way of being. Learning to appreciate, not judge, nurture and nourish, not disregard, exercise gently, not push – there are so many ways we can abuse ourselves and so many gorgeous ways we can love ourselves.

423. A powerful blog Anon, that has me questioning the smallest thing now – as to where I can still be abusive with myself or what I allow from others.

424. An amazing example of what it means to take responsibility for ourselves and what happens to us in life. This doesn’t mean we are at fault as this is often re-interpreted to mean, but that we play our part in the creation and constellation of all that happens around us. True healing is not possible if we can’t do this… and what you’ve shared is a great illustration of that thank you.

425. Gosh this is so familiar! A very exposing and needed blog post indeed.

426. What a commitment relationships are. If I have learned anything in relationship it is always, always to look at my own quality first as this is my responsibility.

427. It’s when our undealt with hurts get triggered that we go into the behaviours we know get us what we want…the silent treatment (oh that was one I used to maximise…total manipulation), withdrawing, getting angry or sulking. It gives another person a clear message and in a relationship, creates a dynamic or a pattern of abuse.

428. It’s so easy to point the finger. To allow what we feel threatened by in others to become a reflection for our own hurts is embracing life on a deeper level and saying yes to evolution. If something annoys me or affects me it is my issue to deal with. It is the opposite of blame – it is a deeply loving act.

429. In my experience my life has been totally different when I was not aware that love is what I am and since I have been aware that I am love plus a few things that are not love and not me. It is the physical knowing, rather than an idea, that has made all the difference.

430. This question puts an end to the perpetual identification with being a victim in life – “if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?” Embracing self-responsibility really can turn our lives around in the most loving and empowering way.

431. It’s all to easy to focus on what someone else has done wrong, or isn’t ‘doing right’ and hence, as it admonishes us from looking more deeply at our own choices and behaviours (and I also find, helps justify any resentments that I’ve built up in myself!). But to learn and know that it is, and always will be, my relationship with myself that manifests the quality of everything else – including those close relationships, is one of the many precious teachings about life that Serge has presented.

432. “Without needs, without expectations, a true relationship can blossom: based on the true relationship that we’ve taken the time to nurture with ourselves, first!” wow this says everything and really highlights the responsibility we all have with ourselves first otherwise the cycle of abuse continues as does our lack of self worth issues.

433. ‘I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me and I now know the very step I need to take to break the cycle of abuse.’ What is on offer to us when we are willing to see this for ourselves is actually a gift and can be deeply healing.

434. It has to be the most enlightening day of our lives when we realise that we are choosing to be in an abusive relationship and the biggest one is with ourselves. Once this light bulb goes on then the way forward is clear. Building an honest, loving tender relationship with our selves first and foremost becomes the essential focus. Obviously if we are in an abusive relationship with another then this needs addressing too, but when we choose to turn around our internal relationship and appreciate our strengths, inherently loving nature and exquisite fragility, then we will begin to establish this appreciation in our outer relationships too. It requires effort, honesty, space and a willingness to see that mistakes are lessons we can learn from and our weaknesses are talents waiting to blossom. We don’t have to do anything to make our selves better, we just need to re-connect to the whole, glorious beings we already are. When we actually stop beating ourselves up, we realise that there are hidden talents and glorious feelings inside that we had no idea where there.

435. What I am learning is exactly as you’ve shared Anon, our relationship with another or all others is a direct mirror back to how we are with ourselves, how we are with our bodies and how we are with that part of us that is not human but can be felt. Playing the victim is comfortable as it allows us to avoid being responsible and avoid feeling how we have been with who we truly are. To feel how I have been with myself – with the love that I am – does hurt! but not claiming that I have a choice to no longer abuse or ignore that love hurts far more. It’s making more sense and feels lighter to return to the love that I am even if previously I had chosen to not be this love.

436. ‘But what I hadn’t read, or rather taken FULL responsibility for, was how I was being and expressing in every moment.’ Over time I have increasingly come to appreciate how the science of reflection works and supports. It is so important to stay open to this and not blame another for what they are presenting, but in asking myself honestly what is in there for me to look at I can make the call to see if there is indeed anything for me to work on. If not I can understand what is happening for the other and not take it personally.

437. “So in this scenario, I expressed in a less than lovely way, my partner reacted in a less than lovely way and voila – cycle of abuse played out.” You have summed up the pattern of abuse right there in that sentence. It could be said that anything not expressed in the love that we come from is abusive.

438. I can now recognise that when I am feeling needy and wanting connection or a show of care from someone, its because I have not been looking after myself. Its then a signal for me to give myself the love I am craving.

439. Reading your blog at the start of a new day has given me a moment to reflect on my own movements and the love, care and awareness I bring to how I am being with myself and my body. Am I with myself and honouring what my body is asking of me or is how I am being abusive (pushing, drive, doing, overriding what my body is telling me) which leaves me exhausted and drained at the end of the day?

440. Anon, I love the U turn you made by reflecting and then seeing that the abuse started with the way you were with yourself. We are habitual blamers looking to point the finger at another without even considering our part. The quality of our movements, thoughts and actions have a far wider impact than we care to accept, as if we did accept this fact we would then have to take responsibility.

441. We have tended to have a rather gross definition of abuse that speaks mainly of physical violence – supported by what I call the ‘sticks and stones’ mentality that falsely negates the power of words to harm another. When we understand that everything is energy, abuse is something else entirely and we can say that anything that is not love is in fact abusive. If we agree that we are love in our essence, then we should consider the truth of this very deeply and maybe reconsider what we are willing to accept in our lives.

442. Great sharing Anon, ‘I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me’. It is so easy to try to blame others but nothing actually changes. We can only take responsibility for the way we choose to live our life and the rest will take care of itself. It is so easy to go into victim mode but when I do I now ask myself ‘ok so what I am getting out of this?’ and then the shocking reality comes in that a part of me is actually enjoying the irresponsibility that I have been running with. Coming back to the fact that we are all love changes everything.

443. If we are not willing to let go of our hurts, we will taint our relationships with the past always blaming or playing the victim, it is only when we choose to be responsible for our choices that we can put a stop once and for all to the abusive cycle in our lives and start to appreciate the true nature of our being.

444. Without needs and expectations… what would that do to our motion of running away from ourselves? We would have to deal with our issues!

445. This is the ultimate acceptance of responsibility when we accept that whatever happens to us is the result of our choices and is the reflection of what there is to learn.

446. Like a continual game of pass the parcel we shift the responsibility in life, like it was a bomb set to go off. Yet the truth is, if the music was stopped, and we unwrapped what was there in our hands, we would see at long last the harsh reality is truly a gift and not a damaging thing. For we all have the power to stop abuse in this world by choosing to end it in and with ourselves. Thank you Anonymous for this stunning blog.

     1. Well said Joseph, I fully agree with you – we see responsibility as this big bad thing and try to avoid it yet it truly is a blessing reminding us and simply asking us to live the love we naturally are. It is not trying to ask us to be more or anything else.

447. “The unspoken deal in these relationships has been “I’ll give you what you need, if you give me what I need.” An arrangement.” this is so sickening to read and see how much thats how I used relationships. As I start to change that and bring in true relationships it still makes my stomach cringe to see how using I have been in most if not all of my relationships. Yet to approach relationships with a simple meeting first is transformational.

448. So true Anon, anything less than love is abuse, a rolling of the eyes, a putdown joke, an unloving thought, as love is who we actually are and anything less is us stepping away from that love, a stepping away from our self.

     1. This is so easily seen and felt in another but it is with ourselves that we need to stay focused and make sure the love is always there in our own expression, supporting ourselves to stay true and in harmony with our essence.

     2. This wouldn’t be classed as abuse en mass and yet it does feel disturbing to have these thoughts about others and ourselves. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve worked myself into an emotional state that then shows on the outside from having blaming or unloving thoughts. And now makes me wonder about peoples actions, is there a commentary running in the background building momentum. The force of when it does come out feels horrible and the build up as well – so I ask in myself what hurt allows the internal build up to do so unchecked?

449. The thing I am noticing about abuse is how many layers there are and how it sneaks into every area of my life. Uncovering one layer merely exposes another much more subtle layer inviting me to further deepen my relationship with me, taking the nurturing and self-care to another level.

     1. I agree, and with each new layer we find and deal with we are then living in more and more loving and even joyful ways. There are more layers but dealing with each one has quite a benefit I found.

450. This morning I got to feel how I have been I judging myself, holding myself ransom to pictures that just aren’t real or remotely achievable. In so doing, I am dismissing all that I already am and the incredible quality of my innate expression. Answer, appreciation, appreciation and more appreciation. The more I allow the space to truly appreciate what comes naturally to me, the essence of me, there will be no room for judgment because I will feel how amazing I am all of the time.

451. “The Truth about the Cycle of Abuse”, yesterday Anon, i was reflecting on your blog, and looking at ‘abuse’ and the extent of it in our lives; in my life.. and even to think, or have a fleeting thought that is critical, gossipy, cruel, judging, comparing and so on… is abuse, and immediately registered in the body. This is huge. We’re all walking around in abuse, no wonder disharmony is the prevailing way for the majority of us when we have/allow thoughts like these to move us.

452. When we cross over and make the step from blaming and thinking we are only the receiver of abusive or negative experiences, to recognising that it is always a two way dynamic, it truly is the bottom of the U-turn back to taking responsibility of ourselves and of life. We are not just a receiver of life but equally a participant of life too.

453. A beautifully honest blog Anonymous highlighting the responsibility we have in relationships to bring nothing but love; certainly without perfection but with a commitment to expanding the love that we so naturally are.
     I love this simple fact;
     “The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse”.

454. The realisation that anything other than Love is abuse takes some time to comprehend and ponder and with responsibility means life must all come from this same Love first.

455. Powerfully shared Anon. Your words make me sit up straight and I can feel how harmful it is to neglect myself and expect others to make me feel better.

456. What I once felt was not abuse, today feels abusive. As my awareness changes, so does everything else need to change.

     1. Abuse was not an integrated piece of the puzzle we called life… it was the whole picture! The whole puzzle, our life, was an illusion!

     2. Totally Rosie, when we are honest with ourselves about our patterns and behaviours we start to see how much abuse we have accepted in our lives. As our awareness develops and we change these patterns and behaviours we are then able to feel that abuse is anything that is not truly loving, and we realise that this adjustment is a life long project.

     3. Very well said Rosie – awareness supports us to make different choices.

        1. And we don’t ever get to a point of that is it, I have reached awareness because there is always more. Always more to be aware of and to understand.

457. I love the way you have discovered that even though the abuse may look different the energy that we bring to the situation is the same. It only makes sense that if we add the same ingredients we will be end up with the same result in the end. The focus we have on what others are doing ’wrong’ is so strong and normal in society, yet it allows us to live completely oblivious of what we are adding to the mix.

458. “I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me…” This is an honest and responsible response to a truth that for many of us would be really hard to take on board. It means that everything we choose, do or say will come back to us in some form or another and that ultimately we are responsible for everything that happens to us.

459. “I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me…” This is an honest and responsible response to a truth that for many of us would be really hard to take on board. It means that everything we choose, do or say will come back to us in some form or another and that ultimately we are responsible for everything that happens to us.

460. A beautifully exposing blog and an incredible example of responsibility.

461. There’s a beautiful key dropped in here about raising our own awareness and understanding – by simply being willing to accept that there is always a deeper level to go to, “What I have discovered (or uncovered), through simply being willing to feel deeply…”

462. This blog is a shaker, a shaker of beliefs around being victims, very powerful. Abuse is used in a limited way in our society. Domestic violence is the yelling, physical, emotional and psychological abuse, all of this where one person superimposes on another, often the woman. Agreed – this is an absolute NO. But you have taken this deeper, where the demarcation line becomes if we are not loving to each other then anything outside of that is abuse. This brings an enormous level of self responsibility to ourselves and to another. In truth, place a newborn baby in front of you, and just a moment of an unloving thought or act will affect that baby. That is abuse as it is not loving. We all within, for some of us, it can feel long lost, have that delicate, tender, sensitivity within us and simply want to be truly loved for who we are.
     The word abuse needs to be taken deeper and stop making excuses for human behaviour to be completely irresponsible and unloving towards each other. But this can only stop when we stop abusive relationships with ourselves first as Anon has beautifully shared.

463. “But what I hadn’t read, or rather taken FULL responsibility for, was how I was being and expressing in every moment.” Oh yes I know this one, not just in relationships but also in life general. It is that feeling of how do I always end up in this situation? And it is very clear, it is not someone outside of me, it is the choices I am making that come to that end result again and again. Great realisation.

464. I’m willing to see how for a very long time (all my life?) I’ve been trying to deny my preciousness by lots of abusive choices. Such as drinking alcohol, eating gluten, dairy, vinegar, sugar etc. Now I’m actually realising that the way I move as well as the way I speak is actually affecting me hugely. Every movement is either confirming or abusive. There’s a responsibility in this, which focusses on me being with me. It’s not a doing as such. As the doing comes from being with me. Which is a very different quality.

465. Truly thank you for sharing this.. We can see that much is actually hidden in our way of being – by having accepted less of ourselves. Hence the small or big areas of our lives can hold abuse , thinking it is love. Quiet a shock, or actually not. A honest way of looking at our lives and saying ‘ hey, that is what feels great, truly good’ or ‘well, guess what, it is time for me to leave this cycle, all I can do is choose’. Thank you for exposing what is not truly us, helping us to get out of the ideals/beliefs = cutting the illusion we might be in.

466. What a great eye opener, thank you for sharing. What I am feeling, it’s a constant relationship with self to see where we are being abusive to self and not the love we know we are. It is about building and connecting to this deeper level of love, so we can be letting go of the pockets of abuse we still have. For me it still is an unfoldment in my life of these pockets of abuse.

467. It is wonderful when we choose to honestly and openly share our feelings and allow others to do the same. Sometimes like in this case with your partner we find out how completely flawed our view of the situation and our impact has been. Such a blessing because in that moment we have the opportunity to deepen our awareness and reassess our choices.

468. The simple act of calling out all that has not worked and not been truly self loving in one’s life is a great catalyst to letting go of those choices that haven’t supported us. But when we continue to point fingers and blame everyone else for our problems, a miserable existence is ensured and nothing will change.

469. You bring a much needed understanding of abuse and how we have allowed what we know to be abusive slip. As I claim my self and let more love into my life, I am much clearer on what is acceptable and what is not by how it feels, if it feels abusive in anyway then and I am willing to call it out now, where I never used to

470. We only need to look at the state of the world today to understand that blame is taking us nowhere, we simply keep repeating the same cycle of abuse over and over again.

     1. Great point Eva. As we do in research look at how a certain choice affects an object or situation, so too can we take this approach in life and see if how we are living is working or not. The next step would be to then make a change.

471. Anon it seems that all of us in all of our relationships (be it family/work/partner/members of the public) seem to be completely blind when it comes to our own short comings. We berate others, we chastise others, we lament about how others constantly let us down and we seem to be completely and utterly unaware of our part in all of it. In fact most of us would fight tooth and nail against the fact that all relationship problems are always 50/50.I know for me that it was only on the last 2 years that I woke up to this life changing fact and when I did, life did just that, it literally changed.

     1. Very true Alexis. This blasts any concept of ‘taking sides’ when there is an issue in a relationship both parties have an opportunity to look at what choices lead to that issue in the first place. There is no right and wrong, only an opportunity to heal and express.

472. A very revealing blog and sharing that is super powerful in understanding our lives and the interactions we are involved in. The honest statement that “anything that is not love is abuse ” is revealing, inspirational and can deeply change the way we live our lives . Firstly comes the understanding as you share that we all simply are love and then the responsibility from there is obvious but comes out in everything single detail in our lives. Bringing everything back to our relationship with ourselves and how we treat ourselves can change everything and a true loving way of being can start to develop if we are willing to go there and take responsibility to live who we are fully.

473. ‘I am not perfect in this practice, but I am committed’ – Perfection is impossible but there is such a huge difference between committing to something and only doing it ‘when it suits’, and when there is a willingness to commit there is a way to develop anything.

474. I like how you say that abuse isn’t just about being hit, yelled or screamed at, but that it is a cycle and we have our part in it. I find it very powerful to see my part in any abusive situation going on as I then have the choice to change how I am choosing to be.

475. It is so true that we can look at ourselves and make some changes, and the reflection of this changes everything in our relationships with everyone. There is no need for any blame or comparison when we take responsibility for our own actions and start there.

     1. True gillrandall the inner settlement and self awareness that is built by claiming all aspects of our accountability is grand indeed.

476. Victime syndrome is very harmful and sticky for all involved. Kudos to you for getting honest and seeing past it.

477. I love this blog, thank you Anon. There is such a deep commitment to uncovering on a moment to moment basis any abuse whatsoever in your life by taking responsibility for all your choices – so inspiring.

478. What great confirmation, Anonymous, of the simple fact that we are all made from love and will return to love, which makes us precious beyond words and worthy of being honoured and not abused in any form.

479. It is great to call out the victim energy for it’s part in a relationship. I see it like a seesaw, as one person plays less than, the other plays more. It is not until both are even that there is balance in a relationship. As crazy as it may sound it is important to look at our part and what we get out of it. I have found first hand that when I am in the victim role, I get a lot out of it. I can look at the other person and blame them, stay stuck in old patterns and get lots of sympathy, which ironically instead of changing things, further cements the victim behaviour.

480. I’m discovering that the greatest abuse is our choice to shut down our awareness and thus absorb the energy around us, without discerning but simply gulping it all up. The physical manifestation of this in terms of the abuse we see so rife today in the form of domestic violence and more, is the end result of that original choice to walk in blindness instead of in the crystal clear awareness we are naturally endowed to have.

     1. This is a comment that stops me in my tracks. I hadn’t really considered that my choice to shut down my awareness is abusive but of course it absolutely is. As Anon states here we are love and all abuse stems from the fact that we have shut down our awareness of this.

481. What a huge gift it is to have the reflection of another telling us and literally showing us what we need to look at in ourselves, and yet quite often we blame the other and refuse to look at our own part, then move to someone else only to find the same behaviours playing out all over again.

482. There is so much we can do to change our relationships by first looking at and changing the one with ourselves.

483. If we take the phrase ‘anything less than Love is abuse’, then we are asked to look deeply at how we self abuse. It’s clear that we are numbed to what self-abuse is as our essence of love remains unconfirmed from young, and therefore remains unfamiliar. It is no wonder that it takes many honest doses of self reflection and self acceptance to bring the changes within oneself that stop the loveless relationship with others.

484. I wonder how many relationships are based on ‘seeking love’ in some way. Two people come together to ‘find love’ in each other – and hence the relationship is based on that mutual need. But then who is bringing the love to the relationship? It seems to me that when we look for love in a relationship we are in fact stating that ‘I don’t have love, so I need it from you’. How might things be different if we understood that our first responsibility is to be love and hence bring love to our relationships – as if we come bearing a gift rather than with ’empty hands’? Then perhaps we can experience the joy of sharing the love we are with others, rather than living in the apparent need to pursue love ‘out there’ where in fact it cannot be found.

485. “The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…” This is a new benchmark of responsibility and behaviour that we have yet to truly embody, but is in truth our only way forward. When we really take this immutable truth on board, dumping our grievances on others is no longer an option. Taking full responsibility for our own well-being, expression and worth and the quality of all our relationships means that expressing anything less than love towards our selves and towards one another becomes a physical impossibility.

486. “We have been sold a very skewed message of what love actually IS!!” Indeed, we have…but we have also willingly grabbed that message – hook, line and sinker. Is it easier to blame others for the lack of love in our life than it is to take responsibility ourselves for building that love? We build the trap, willingly jump into it, then complain when we can’t get out.

487. Anon, thank you for writing this, I can feel how common it is for us to do this in relationships; ‘What I had previously focused on was what my partner ‘did wrong’ or ‘didn’t do right’ and hence, from where I was looking, it was easy to notice when he was grumpy or venting his frustration and stay stuck in the ‘he did me wrong’ victim story!’ I certainly still do this and hear this a lot from people I know, it is easy to blame our partners and avoid looking at how we are being with ourselves and others, not looking at our hurts and how these play out in our relationships. It feels very empowering and responsible to focus on ourselves and how we are being first and foremost.

488. There is so much more to abuse then we currently care to admit, it is very easy to feel a victim. I know when I felt a victim it takes so much energy. When I started to take responsibility in how I cared and loved myself the victim energy I was in started to dissipate. The world is full of blame and blame will never heal us it can only harm.

     1. You’ve hit the nail on the head Samantha, when we blame and are adamant that everything is someone else’s fault we feel exhausted, but when we realise that all of our relationships are there to reflect back to us and that we have a part to play, there is a change within us and we feel lighter.

489. The greatest abuser is oneself as it is the last person we accept is the abuser. Also the abuse is subtle, hidden and can be difficult to identify.

490. Love is blind, is more appropriate to us losing sight of our self-love!

491. I do remember a critical moment when I realised that I was creating the reality of the abusive relationships I was part of and how on one level I was really unsure of how I would do life without my ‘victim’ status, like who was I without this identification. However there was another part of me, silently supporting, that knew there was another way to relate, and that it started with me building a respectful, valuing relationship with myself. Whilst it has been incredibly exposing at times to let go of the identification layers I held, however damaging and destructive they were, there was always a sense of a transformation beyond my understanding taking place. This article is confirmation of this – the ongoing nature of our responsibility and unfolding – and huge appreciation for how far I have come. Thank you.

492. It makes a huge difference when we stop seeing ourselves as victims and can take responsibility for everything that happens in our lives. Life is always presenting us with reflections of how we are living, and these reflections are there for us to learn from if we so choose.

493. There is so much abuse that goes on around the world yet as you say it can be easy to look outside at this, to want to fix everything yet the real key that you share and I’ve learnt since attending Universal Medicine events is that it is us who abuse ourselves first and only when we heal our abuse can we then reflect to the world that abuse is not the way forward.

494. A truly brilliant blog here anonymous. If at any time we believe the problems we experience to be about other people we are truly lost in the maze of blame. This maze is endlesss and always has us chasing and looking at shadows just around the corner when all the time the true ‘way out’ lives right inside you and I.

495. When we are experiencing a situation which is abusive or is not loving it is easy to look at others and blame/criticise, but as you have shared with all things we can choose to look at ourselves and our own responsibility in what is going on.

496. “The fact is that anything less than love is abuse”. Yes and to know love we have to live love and the more we live love the more we get to know what love truly is and it is never stagnant or for just one. You can’t dole out love, for love doesn’t come in bits.

497. It’s a big deal to admit that the abuse we feel starts with us and the relationship, or lack thereof, that we have with ourselves. However, once we acknowledge and can take responsibility for the self abuse and can take the next step to commit to self- love, we close that hole that has been open for further abuse.

498. ‘What I have discovered (or uncovered), through simply being willing to feel deeply’ ….. love this. It’s amazing how much we avoid feeling the truth and when we do allow ourselves to go there, we discover how much wisdom is there, waiting for us to tap in to. By giving ourselves permission to feel and to be ok with what we are feeling, without any judgment, is in itself a healing process and the start to deepening our awareness and understanding.

499. I know for myself, from past choices and ways of being with partners, my favourite go to was, blaming them. When I feel into this now, I can feel how that cycle has no end, it just keeps cycling on itself and you just go deeper into your emptiness, and can never feel enough. Choosing to start loving myself was my first true step into responsibility and back to myself.

500. The refinement of putting a stop to abuse is like continuously ‘halving a half’…. It may become smaller and smaller but as self care and self love deepen, one gradually becomes aware that something that counters this is self abuse.

501. I love the point that is being made here about the fact that we are love and we come from love therefore we have a responsibility to live that love in every moment. If we are being not love, that is, we are being abusive then we have a responsibility to do something about it. This to me is hugely inspiring as it puts the responsibility back onto me rather than blaming others for my situation in life. Blame never has and never will support anyone to heal but taking responsibility will.

502. “Without needs, without expectations, a true relationship can blossom: based on the true relationship that we’ve taken the time to nurture with ourselves, first!” – everything being about quality as you share Anon, and if this were the case, then the cycle of abuse in relationship with oneself, and hence another, would clear. Your statement offers understanding, with the knowing that when we’re on the receiving end of abuse, of any kind, that the person is in abuse with themselves [to create the reaction towards us that we can get hurt by], and equally provides great reflection for us too.

503. We like to think that abuse begins with another, when the truth is that everything we experience begins with self first.

504. I think many could relate to this, of not fully honouring our own needs and then expecting others too in some way or another- this in itself is abuse. Abuse of yourself first and then the imposition on others is abuse. If there is any abuse towards ourselves this then will be prevalent in some way in our relationships.

505. I love your honesty in seeing the part you are playing in the relationship that is abusive and willing to change this. Not many people currently do this, it is instead far easier to point the finger and blame the other person. This is also really mothering energy which will change the dynamics of the relationship even more to something that is quite insidious “You need me to care for you, because you aren’t capable of doing it for yourself!”

     1. Can we change ‘mothering’ to ‘smothering’?! ‘Cos true mothering is about taking responsibility and inspiring others to do the same.

506. Anon thank you for a clear description of abuse, it puts the responsibility squarely back in our court to look at the self abuse we are not addressing and where we are not holding a deep loving and caring relationship within ourselves first.

507. The set up to look outside of ourselves for the reasons why something happens is pretty systemic in and throughout how people are living. It is an amazing moment to relise that this is simply a choice. Much starts to shift when responsibility of why something happens is taken from the perspective of asking ‘what is my part in this’? This has been true for me, and this was the point when I really started to appreciate why things happen and understand them and not contract, dismiss or numb myself not to feel them, point the finger and lay blame.

508. The truth is, that it is us that sets every-thing in motion, be it a cycle or a dead end.

509. It’s so true. If we don’t treat ourselves with love and respect how can we expect others to do so? It just doesn’t work that way.

510. What your sharing here is pretty huge, opening up a conversation about the abuse we allow – how we abuse ourselves and others and how this sets the bar for what often then is directed at us.

511. Anon, you offer the read so much to think about. Today I was struck by this line “I have felt needy and empty and I have gone to my partner, my kids, my friends, co-workers and alike with this emptiness and said ‘fill me up’. Fill me up, because I haven’t been willing to do it for myself!” and by the sheer arrogance of this. I know it because I have done and it and in some ways still continue to do it. We are so often not prepared to do something for ourselves, so we place this expectation on others (usually without consultation) and then get frustrated when they don’t meet it. Responsibility is the new black. And taking it for all parts of our lives. Note to self as well 🙂

512. Communicating from a loving intention with space for the one(s) we’re talking to feels honouring of both (all). It is honest and confirming. Being silent is also an insult on the space you’re in and affecting others too. Our ultimate responsibility is to be with our love and communicate from that loving place within us. I’ve found that this takes time and commitment to connect to and to live.

513. Reading this reminds me of all the effort I’ve put/ I put into making the ‘world a better place’ when actually what’s being called for is me loving me everyday tenderly, allowing myself the space to observe the world.

     1. Well said Karin – how much simpler life is when we live this way 🙂
        “what’s being called for is me loving me everyday tenderly, allowing myself the space to observe the world”

514. This blog is so fitting for me at the moment Anon, thank you. When there is no self love within we can not truly love another.

515. We have forgotten what to be in a loving relationship truly is. The first time I was asked did I love myself and how am I loving towards myself I actually had no idea and realised I was using the marker of how I was treated by others as my marker of love. This marker kept changing depending on who I was with and how attached or invested I was in that relationship. Now, having a greater understanding of what being in a truly loving relationship with self is and observing the world, the ensuing chaos and turmoil is more understandable because many are seeking a loving relationship by not looking inward first but always searching outside of themselves. What a great blog highlighting how a return to what is true is a return to having a loving relationship with self first.

516. There is so much to this cycle of abuse that I find it so ingrained it is like it has been the only choice to make. That in itself states how much I have chosen to not be loving, tender, and caring with myself and accept this always. “And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?” Thank you Anon for clearly in detail showing us and proving we a have choice to have no abuse in our life.

517. I often wonder about the link between withholding love and then the action of abuse, abuse is not always so obvious as physical violence.

518. I love how you started this blog, wanting to blame and then getting real honest and seeing your part in it. It is something that I am becoming more and more aware of all the time, even though sometimes it is quite confronting to see my part in it all!

519. “I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me and I now know the very step I need to take to break the cycle of abuse.” – that is responsibility when we can see that whatever we are on the receiving end of actually starts with us first.

520. It can be so easy to get bogged down in the ‘not so good’ and the critique in our relationships. Sure, there is plenty to develop – we need to see everything – but we can only do that from the foundation of appreciation, and the most gorgeous opportunity there is to evolve together.

521. Thank you Anon for your honest account. This is such a classic ‘So in this scenario, I expressed in a less than lovely way, my partner reacted in a less than lovely way and voila – cycle of abuse played out.’

     1. And the power of being honest about this, rather than shutting off our responsibility and pointing fingers, is super huge.

522. What amazing opportunites we are given with every person we meet in our lives. We can either choose to see difficult or uncomfortable situations as being exactly that, and either dismiss them or indulge in how hurt we are by them, or we can see them as a way of learning something more about oursleves and how we are when we interact with others. I am finding this hugely supportive as people tell me things that I do or how I am that I am not aware of. By bringing this to my awareness I am able to make a change. But if I do not know, I will not change, therefore engraining my patterns of behaviour and hurts even more deeply in my body which ultimatley could become some sort of physical problem. The difference for me now with this, is that most of the time when I am told something of this nature, I no longer react which is what enables me to see what is being offered as an opportunity to change it.

523. “Anything less than love is abuse”. This is such a powerful statement and one I can relate to so well. I can feel the abuse in my body when I am not living in loving way with myself or my partner. I can feel how i load my reactions onto my partner and the damage this does to both of us. My awareness and deeper understanding of how this was playing out has healed this for both of us. a great sharing- thank you.

524. I very much know this feeling of emptiness and the expectation that someone on the outside has to fill it up for me and I used to be very demanding too. However I learned that nobody else can fulfil me but myself and that it is the greatest gift to myself as it feels so yummy.

525. I love this open and honest sharing Anon. While it is easy to understand what constitutes physical abuse in a relationship, you have shone the light on the need for us to take responsibility for truly loving and honouring ourselves first and not expecting our needs to be met by others.

526. As someone who has only recently spoken up about abuse that has happened to me, it makes me see the role I played in this, and how I was part of this abuse by the state of how I was living. It does not excuse the other person, but it also does not allow me to dwell in the excuse of being a victim and rather to see that at each moment I am responsible for how I am choosing to live and what will ultimately contribute to me being in a situation of abuse or not.

527. This is a beautiful, inspiring, world changing article… one that opens us up to the level of dysfunction in our relationships and invites us to consider our responsibility and the changes that occur when we embrace it.

528. The unspoken blame or judgment against another is even more insidious than that expressed vocally and also those accompanied by physical abuse. Once the thought is there the energy is forcefully directed towards its recipient but is hidden. This is happening all the time between people, whatever the relationship, and because it grows inside unexpressed, is so much more difficult to address and clear. Becoming aware of those reactive thoughts and taking time to pause and acknowledge their existence is the first step towards owning how we are responsible for the disharmony we create in any relationship.

529. To be aware of the bigger picture regarding Love and to know it is who we are in essence, is the beginning of true healing – it exposes the big difference between what the majority of people perceive as love, when in fact it is actually emotional love, which is full of blame, irresponsibility and highly manipulative in order to meet our own needs. This always leaves us hungry for another ‘top up’ from outside of us.
     “The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse….
     But the truth is…Love is actually who we are!”

530. I have played the blame game too Anon, and of course, relationships like this work for a while, but ultimately they fail because no-one is being true to themselves, both those that express abusively and those that accept it, believing that this is the way that relationships are. There is absolutely no one that is a victim, we only choose to be, so thank you for the reflection that we do not have to suffer at the hands of abuse, whether it be from another or directed towards ourselves, and all we have to do is to lovingly call it out and expose it for healing to take place.

531. ‘Anything less than love is abuse’ – this is a pearl of wisdom right here for us all.

532. I realised the other day just how much I choose (yes choose!) to make up issues, hurts and problems because (and yes it is crazy!) I have not been letting myself accept the depth of love that is there in myself and the relationship. It is almost to yummy to accept as crazy as that may sound. But it highlights how these behaviours don’t just happen. They always happen for a reason.

533. The cycle of abuse ends when we make our life about love.

534. I had quite a nasty wake up call similarly when I realised exactly the same as you describe, that abuse in relationships comes first and foremost from me. It is taking a while to feel the depth of this and how entrenched and obstinate I can still behave sometimes. But my relationship is changing and developing which is confirmation that we are re-imprinting our behavior in a loving way.

535. “I had previously focused on was what my partner ‘did wrong’ or ‘didn’t do right’’ – It would be so interesting to track back where our expectations of what ‘wrong’ and ‘right’ are from… Did we come up with those expectations ourselves or could it be that at some point in our lifetime we’ve picked them up from being let down, lied to or abused in some way, or that we picked them up from another person like our mum, dad, the media etc.

536. We can fill ourselves up in many, different ways. Yesterday I felt an emptiness within me and I stayed with it for a little while. I felt very uncomfortable and it wasn’t too long before I found myself looking for something to do. I realised how I can use work to avoid feeling the emptiness and fill myself up to make myself feel better.

537. This is honesty one of the best blogs I have read, I enjoyed everything about it. Your writing style really gels with me as well, its super easy to relate to, even the way you express your appreciation for Serge is like a breath of fresh air, it is just so simple and true. You make me want to get honest, you are now my inspiration I cannot thank you enough for being brave enough to publish this very honest blog.

538. I am always blown away when I witness a person taking responsibility in their relationship for their own part of the disharmony and working to heal and resolve that in themselves, whilst offering the other person grace and space to heal and resolve their own end in their own time. To me even if they choose to live apart because of this difference, when such depth of love of self and the other, honouring of self and the other as well as personal responsibility is chosen, both parties are deeply supported in their expansion and evolution.

539. This is a great example of taking responsibility for what happens in life, that it is because of how you have changed the how you were living so your situation is changing. Thank you.

540. The more honest we’re prepared to be, the more we can see the extent to which we manipulate others so that we can feel okay about ourselves – we use others, in the most subtle of ways, to meet our own unmet needs, because we don’t want to deal with and feel these unresolved hurts.

541. No matter how much we want or try to change things around us, be it work, relationships etc nothing will change unless we commit to a loving relationship with ourselves. It’s a bit like being in the middle of a circle, focussing on all these things / issues / situations we are trying to work on dotted around us, but the one thing we are forgetting is what is at the centre, the core of it all
     – us – if we have that true relationship with ourselves then we wouldn’t need to ask questions – we would know what to do or not do in some cases.

542. It’s so easy to fall into the blame game and resentment in relationships, when we’re not willing to take responsibility for our own relationship with ourselves. What is amazing to feel is how quickly this can shift, just by being willing to be completely open and honest with ourselves. How loving and honouring have we been with our own bodies and selves, first? Have we given ourselves what we need, or are we relying on someone else to do this for us? Others can support and inspire us, but no one else can do the work for us of self-care and self-love: fundamental building blocks to our primary relationship – the one we have with ourselves.

543. Thank you for a much needed article that exposes the subtleties of abuse that so often fly under the radar as we have chosen to believe abuse only comes in physical, emotional, verbal and/or sexual etc ways. For many these are easier to spot but how we are when we are less than loving towards ourselves or others is abusive and this I am learning more and more in my own behaviours which then helps me see and understand why abusive situations occur. What is said here is crucial to grasp so we can all take responsibility for own abusive ways “I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me and I now know the very step I need to take to break the cycle of abuse. That step is to take full responsibility for the loving, caring of and nurturing of myself and that requires me to be willing to feel and honor myself in full.

544. Deeply loving and caring for ourselves is very much a moment by moment choice. As it’s not been my natural experience to honour myself this way, the joy, delight and beautiful part is that it can be ‘learnt’, and connected to so it unfolds as a normal, natural choice of how I treat myself. All the people that live this choice are truly appreciated as reflections and inspirations that it is such a natural way to actually be and waiting for another to do this for us means waiting for-ever.

545. Very powerful blog Anon, beginning to name abuse as ‘anything that is not love’ is a huge but very necessary step in understanding the root cause of all abuse. We see the worst of it as the only real ‘abuse’ but you show very clearly that it begins way before then at our first steps away from the love we are and the absolute regard and cherishing we need to hold for ourselves.

546. ‘The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…’ Learning to live from love and making all my movements about love is taking some time to get the hang of but bold statements like this really support in making love the focus of my day!

547. This is an excellent blog, defining far further the subtleties of abuse, which sadly we seem to have come to accept as a normal way to be. Fortunately there is a way to break this cycle and learn to live lovingly with oneself and with others. Huge thanks to Serge Benhayon from me also.

548. I agree we need to completely redefine our definition of abuse in our daily lives. Most of us when we think of the word abuse would only think of the more extreme obvious physical, emotional or verbal abuse. However it is true that we are highly sensitive beings and so even a harsh word spoken or a certain look can hurt us if we are honest and therefore this is also abuse and if done repetitively over a long period of time can do us harm.

549. When we come to the realisation that “anything less than LOVE is actually abuse” then the enormity of what we have accepted as ‘normal’ becomes very apparent. This can be a bitter pill to swallow, especially when we realise that it starts with us and our relationship with ourselves first.

550. The fact is, is that we all know love, we all know innately and deeply inside us who we are and so the smallest amount of disrespect or dishonouring feels awful and it’s always a matter of constantly bringing more love into our everyday lives and refining, or stopping, all the tiny (or large!) threads of abuse we allow, in whatever way they play out.

551. I have definitely noticed that when I am feeling hard on myself or angry with myself about something or not taking care of myself, I start to become hard, harsh or angry with others.

552. Your blog is a timely reminder of how much we abuse ourselves in terms of the way we think about us, the way we treat our bodies and the way we move. Loving ourselves with appreciation, nurturing our body with nourishing food and gentle exercise, and moving tenderly, affect everybody around us, as the ripples of love emanate outward from deep inside.

553. Beautiful Anon, ‘Love is actually who we are! And it is our responsibility to hold, honour, cherish and nurture that quality in ourselves, moment-to-moment and day-to-day!’ What you are sharing makes absolute sense, that to have a loving relationship with another that is not abusive we need to have this loving relationship with ourselves first. It is an aha moment for me to read that what is being reflected back to me in relationships is how Iam in relationship with myself.

554. Your article, Anonymous is ground breaking in that you change the justification of the victim of abuse to feel “victimised”. Instead you show the way of what it means to take responsibility for yourself, your choices and your reactions. Most importantly you bring it back to the quality of the relationship you have with yourself and how this is reflected through to your partner.

555. Abuse is not denying what you feel.

556. Quite often we have this belief that relationships just happen and what you’ve got is it, end of, you can either put up with it or move one, but what I have come to realise is that relationships with others take work, and is no different than working on the relationship with ourselves.

     1. Agreed Julie, if we rest on our laurels or cruise in a relationship, and that includes the one with ourselves, then we are living in comfort and therefore delaying our evolution and the evolution of others.

557. How empowering it is to cease perceiving oneself as a victim and to ask ‘what am I doing to create this situation?’. Surely it is the case that we are never truly powerless in such relationships and hence never truly a victim. Understanding this changes the whole basis of relationships.

558. With abuse being a single small seed look at some of the 1000 plus year old oaks? Once we allow small abuses to grow, they can become deeply rooted as just normal!

559. ….’but I have lived many relationships in a way that focused on ‘their’ issues, ‘their’ faults, and ‘their’ shortcomings.” I have done this too Anon, but I can also see that this is how I am with myself, choosing to find fault with myself, rather than appreciate all of me without criticism and or judgement. This is slowly changing as I allow more appreciation into my life.

560. Pointing the finger at others is the best way to avert our attention away from our own behaviours, our own contributing factors to the abuse we experience. However, there comes a point in our lives when we recognise that the common factor in all we experience is in fact us and so therefore, choosing to observe how we behave and the effect we have on others holds some magnificent clues as to how we can break the cycle of abuse and begin to restore our true expression – integrity, love, honesty and respect. These qualities are innate within us and once appreciated, it becomes natural to say to any kind of abuse in all its obvious and subtle forms both within our selves and between one another.

561. Here is an awesome exposure of the tolerated and less obvious forms of abuse. By their subtle insidious nature they are in fact long-term far more damaging than the physical abuse as they damage and hurt the persona.

562. I agree Ariana, when we choose to stay in abuse it doesn’t allow us or the world to see how magnificent we are. To choose abuse means we are not claiming how amazing we actually are, because once we claim who we are, there is no way we would ever put up with the energy of abuse. I have realised, choosing to be love is what will arrest our cycles of abuse.

563. ‘I have, in fact, chosen to be in abusive relationships all my life…’ Wow, not many people I know would be willing to admit this, because most of us look to blame others for our experience of abuse in life, yet what you have shared in your blog is so true. Whatever the situation we are in, it is a result of all our choices and this highlights to me how much our choices influence and impact our life.

564. I agree totally with your sharing and especially the fact that” If its not Love its abuse”.

565. The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse” I agree the problem is that most of us do not want to take this level of responsibility for ourselves and in relationship with others. Imagine a world that lived by this principle?

     1. Yes Marylouisemyers, most of us do not want to go to the level of responsibility required once we admit that anything less than love is abuse…

        If we imagine how far away many people have been from being truly loving all the time… like really really far away in horrible situations and entire lives of abuse we can see that those in the middle of such extremes may interpret and call a ‘less abusive’ situation loving… If we use perspective like this we may be able to consider that we have a level of misinterpretation of what is love or abuse as well, even if its not as extreme.

566. Abuse is a topic that is hard to face for most people, yet you’ve shared here something really powerful, that most of us are actually living being abusive and being abused. If we keep abuse to something extreme then we are doing us a dis-service as you say, anything less than Love is abuse. This then allows us to unfold the true meaning of love for ourselves and start to cut out anything that is not what Love is in truth. It makes the whole process a beautiful unfolding and experience as we connect back to living a true, vital and full life.

567. In attaining the false pictures of love, we live abuse. In living the truth of Love, abuse is exposed and seen as the choice that it is.

568. It seems to me that the blame game is one most of us are well versed in, with the playing of it usually beginning from young, but is a game that discounts the most important fact of all; we and we alone, are responsible for our lives. When we make a choice, as we do many, many times in a day, every single consequence of these choices is ours. Unfortunately most have been raised to play this destructive game and the minute self responsibility is raised they either run for cover or stand up and ‘fight’. Surely it is time to raise our children to know what responsibility is and what they are responsible for in their lives.

569. Your opening paragraph is amazing in itself and every word after that confirms the truth you share. As I read on I found myself facing my own abusive behaviour and looking at the not so subtle manipulations I use in relationships. I can see that I do not need to be perfect, I can simply commit to love and be honest about my patterns and behaviours so that they can be changed.

570. “What about refusing to care for yourself deeply and expecting (or manipulating) someone else to do this for you? Does that constitute abuse? Absolutely.” . . This really highlights the responsibility we all have to deeply care for ourselves first and foremost so we are not laying this demand on another.

571. ‘I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me’, thank you for this timely reminder, Anon. The path to enjoying truly loving relationships, which I, along with everyone else, deeply crave, is to nurture and develop one with myself first and live in a way that supports me to appreciate and deepen this each and every day.

572. ‘I have lived many relationships in a way that focused on ‘their’ issues, ‘their’ faults, and ‘their’ shortcomings’. I know only too well how very easy it is to slip into focussing on the ‘what is not’, rather than appreciating all that we are, all that the other person is and building on this. Our essence is love, when we feel anything that is not coming from love, we know that it is false. The more we allow everything we do, feel, express to come from a place of love, our livingness becomes a true expression of who we are and there is no place or room for anything else.

573. Thank you Anon, yes, to discover and uncover abuse and the extent of it with an open and honest eye, is exposing, and, as you say in the realisation that – “anything less than love, is abuse”

     1. You are so right Zofia, “anything less than love, is abuse”… there was a time when I didn’t really understand what this meant. I believed that an abusive relationship was one that contained physical violence, mental, emotional or alcohol abuse, neglect etc etc, but now I realise that what you say is right, there are many more subtle forms of abuse that are equally as harmful and not so loving, and until we call these behaviours out and expose them, we will remain in our comfort in relationships that aren’t true at all.

574. This is such an honest blog about the part we all can play in abuse and how easy it is to blame another without looking at ourselves. As I read I could feel and see myself in those situations where I go out in the world and demand that others provide me with what I am not willing to provide myself, be that love, respect, recognition etc. We set the standards for how we are treated in how we treat ourselves, we set our value, are we willing to truly stand up for and with ourselves no matter what?

575. The cycle of anything is merely a particular order or sequence of events that follow each other on repeat. When things ‘appear again’ in our lives then we know that we have repeated certain steps leading up to that point and we therefore know that the only way to avoid cycling back to that particular point again, is to not repeat the same steps. I absolutely adore the maths of life, it’s so irrevocably clean and so beautifully simple.

576. A classic unconscious ‘knee-jerk’ pattern …”‘fill me up’. Fill me up, because I haven’t been willing to do it for myself!…” that can only be rid of by attending to and deepening the relationship with ourselves. A great expose Anon of the non-obvious / non-stereotype patterns of self abuse and abuse within relationships, in the way we can self talk, assume, expect, impose or dump on one another in relationships. Improving our own relationship by self care and self love first changes and evolves the relationships we have with everyone too.

577. At the moment in Australia, and no doubt elsewhere in developed nations around the world, the subject of family or domestic violence is a big ticket item. And yes, attention does need to be brought to this most pressing of social concerns. Discussion on the topic is however still locked into a paradigm of victim and perpetrator. This article opens up the possibility that no one is in truth a victim and that equal parts are played in the creation of abusive situations. This will be no means be a popular view but it needs very much to be expressed so we can start to understand the root cause of abuse and eventually, by bringing self-responsibility into the picture, bring it to a halt.

578. Thank you Anon for stepping us through this most excellent dissection of abuse. For too long we have held abuse ‘out there’, as something extreme that happens to a certain and unfortunate few. The truth is, we are all participants in abuse – unless we have achieved in full the kind of mastery of self that is mentioned here.

579. We play a big part in life. Much bigger then most people are willing to admit. And as we deny and / or ignore our part, we’re actually in denial of the love that we are. And everything that comes from here is some form of abuse. Allowing ourselves to love dearly is something worth exploring as it might be the key to all our abusive issues.

580. ‘What about refusing to care for yourself deeply and expecting (or manipulating) someone else to do this for you? Does that constitute abuse? Absolutely.’ I know this one well!!! And it’s great to clock because as soon as I do I can stop being a victim and come back to being responsible.

581. I really love this part about love being transformed from a point of focus that is outside of ourselves, such as another person or a group, to it being the very fact of who we are – Love itself. This changes everything and especially within relationships and our responsibility thereof.

582. Thank you for this very straight forward blog, with a very basic truth for all of us: ‘I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me’ If we don’t value ourselves, how can we expect another to do the same? Appreciating ourselves and others goes a long way to finding true love in all our relationships.

583. This is an undeniable truth “The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse…”

584. I can relate to so much of what you have shared. The first step always seems to be the hardest but being willing to look honestly at the part we have chosen to play in all our relationships, beginning with our relationship with ourselves, is paramount in order to bring about any real and lasting change.

585. As you point out, blaming another/others and slipping into victim mode doesn’t resolve anything and keeps the cycle of abuse going. It is only when we look more closely at ourselves and the role we play in the scenario that change becomes possible and only when we take responsibility for our behaviour, does change actually happen.

586. The line in the sand – as a code amongst other men I knew, was never to be physically violent with partners. Yet it is no wonder this does not hold up in so many situations of domestic violence when the slippery slope of emotional abuse becomes out of control and painful to the extent that lashing out occurs as a form of protection and self preservation. Of course this does not at all condone physical violence but serves to understand it and I sense the truth of this article that abuse escalates from a gesture made to another already having cast judgment on them. To arrive at a deeper understanding that this means casting judgement on oneself and one’s own feeling of self worth is an enormous step to take in the right direction and where I feel the true healing can begin.

587. The honesty you have shared this with is deeply inspirational. I can only imagine how this would revolutionalize relationships world wide should people choose to take full responsibility for how they are being and expressing in every moment rather than focusing on the behaviours of another.

588. “We have been sold a very skewed message of what love actually IS!! ” and I would add that we have been sold a very skewed message of what abuse is as well. Your blog is a great conversation starter to actually expand our narrow view on abuse as it shows us that anything that is not love, is abuse. We are more ready to see abuse as domestic violence, sexual abuse, yelling/shouting etc… but there is much more abuse that goes on that we consider more normal. For example, how do we talk to ourselves? I know I have talked harshly too myself and would not have considered that abuse before as ‘dont most people do it?’. Through building more self-love and self-care, the harsh talk is lessening and I am seeing it more and more as self-abuse to talk to myself in a way that is not loving.

589. Until we know love in full, we will not see the abuse we accept that serves to obliterate the expression of this love. This may seem like a catch-22 but the remedy is actually very simple and it begins by acknowledging that we are love first before we are anything else and from here making the choice to live as much of this love as we are humanly able in our every movement. Of course, due to the fact we have been sold a very false image of what love is, something that is so simple can end up quite complicated if we allow ourselves to go down the path that is fed by imposed ideals and images of what it looks like to live the great love that we are. Thus, our job here is to re-connect to that which lives within us and is the essence of who we truly are and let this love impulse us to move in a way that will not let abuse take root in the kingly vessel that is our body, a temple through which the light of our Soul may shine. Thankyou Anon for this truly revelatory sharing – a total game changer.

     1. And thank you Liane for this divine expansion. Any complication can be countered by simply re-connecting to the source of it all. It’s what I teach my daughter when she is doing her maths homework (word problems)…so it must be what I teach myself when doing the complications of life (word problems)

590. It is not often the most popular advice, when we have a complaint about an experience, to reflect on how we may be playing a part in its creation. However I have found it to be the wisest and the most empowering recommendation.

591. Life is all about rhythms, movement and cycles. Sometimes we get stuck in a pattern of cycle which are abusive , old and no longer serving us to evolve. The real joy is found in the honesty to see these patterns, work through them and move through to a more loving and supportive rhythm and way of being. Thank you Anon.

592. Anon, you have brought to humanity a clear and practical understanding of abuse and the many levels and how we are all a part of its ‘creation’. The beautiful flow of understanding is so easy to hear, feel and see operating in our own lives. Your solid and loving foundation can be clearly felt. I loved your comment – ‘I am not perfect in this practice, but I am committed’. Thank you.

593. A great and most needed sharing on what abuse truly is. The fact we are love is a nugget of gold that when felt and lived will take care of any abuse being experienced.

594. The truth is that “anything less than love is abuse” – simple.

595. For too long we have settled for a lesser version of love and accepted that it needs to come from another for us to feel complete. All the while, that deep and forever love that we seek from another has been within us all along. We have been so busy seeking it, we don’t truly stop to feel, that it is right there for us whenever we choose it. And it makes sense that anything less than true love is abuse, because the love of the soul would never accept anything less than itself as love.

596. We all have the responsibility to live a harmonious life, it is our responsibility to be love. It is incredible to imagine that there are so many, and I can’t say I don’t, live in a harming way. Which can be very abusive in relationship to ourself and others.

597. It is very easy to blame the other and not look at the reflection that they are offering us. It is beautiful that you write so honestly about this as I am sure that many can relate to what you have shared.

598. Ah the cycle of abuse exposed or is it? We have a picture of what we think abuse is, when it starts and when it ends. For some of us when the meter runs into the physical, that’s abuse, for others shouting, abuse, others it can get more subtle. But which do we see as worse? Obviously the physical because people get hurt right, in one way yes but in another no. Abuse in manipulation is unseen and accept and is far greater because of this fact. Punch me in the mouth and I bleed, people can see and I will get a bruise or similar to be treated. Manipulate me and no bruise, no obvious wound, no one notices and it will nearly send you around the bend. We think we end the cycle of abuse by taking care of ourselves, ah take care of ourselves and it all stops but this is just to give us awareness to another layer of abuse. There is far far more for us to see around this and in fact it never ends, why? because we have been apart of this cycle for a long time and then when you look around and see the utter devastation that abuse causes around us then there is far far more work to do. Abuse, there is parts to confirm and appreciate but truly the work with it never ends.

599. Great article Anon, there are many subtle forms of abuse that we may not be so obvious, and yet if we are undermining ourselves in anyway it is a form of abuse. When our relationship with self is founded on love, care and honouring of truth we will never accept any form of abuse from us or others.

600. I had a recent experience where someone imposed a blame on my way of behaving and I felt it was unreasonable, but what I also felt was the areas where I could look at my own role, my own behaviour, for while I knew what was being said to me was a dump of issues, i still felt that there was aspects of the situation that I could look at and learn from. That isn’t to say it is ok to accept abuse, but there is almost always a lot to be gained when we first and foremost look honestly at our own ways and how this can affect how others feel and behave towards us.

601. This is great to open up the conversation about abuse and what is actually is – as you have said Anon, where do we draw the line in the sand, what is abuse and what is it not? And to different people this will be different, as we grow and learn to love ourselves as well as others, and to be love, then from here comes a boundary that becomes more and more clear about what is and what is not acceptable, what is and what is not abuse. However, the bottom line is that even the smallest parts of abuse that we do allow in our lives are an opening for a greater abuse to be accepted in society. Hence it is part of our responsibility to keep working on ourselves as everything we do has an impact on all around us. Thank you Anon for your honesty and willingness to share this and explore these situations that are actually quite common in our relationships and friendships – by sharing our experiences we get to reflect, learn and grow from them together!

602. If I were honest I would say that all my relationships have a similar arrangement, never spoken of but a binding energetic deal nonetheless. a loveless arrangement that is like a pact “I promise to never be all the love that I am, if you promise to never ask me to be my full self, and I will do the same for you.
     Anonymous you have exposed arrangements for the falsity that they are and given meaning back to the word love. This line in particular puts responsibility front and center. “What about refusing to care for yourself deeply and expecting (or manipulating) someone else to do this for you? Does that constitute abuse? Absolutely.”

603. We are so quick to blame someone else when we feel abuse come towards us, rather than stopping to question why it is happening, and that maybe we have an equal part to play. Thank you for bringing this very important converstaion to the table Anon, and that how ultimatley we are the ones who are bringing the abuse by not honouring and taking true care of ourselves first and foremost.

     1. Sandra what I got to feel from reading your comment was that the first abuse that is carried out is the abuse of us not living the absolute glory of who we are. How utterly abusive to ourselves is it, to be the equal Son of God and to live a life of such ugly reductionism that we completely lose sight of the fact that we are both glorious and magnificent beyond measure. Of course once we have traded our glory for mediocrity then all manner of abuse naturally follows.

        1. Absolutely Alexis. When you put it like that its clear to see that once the decision is made to make ourselves less than who we are, the abuse pretty much has free rein.

604. I know the feeling well of being empty and wanting another to fill you up. The thing is when you invite another to fill you up you relinquish responsibility and no longer discern what energy is entering you, It always gets messy.

605. These are wise words indeed – I really get how important the quality of relationship we have with ourself is to setting the foundation for how we then are with all others.

606. I deeply appreciate reading this and relate to so much of what you share. The cycle of abuse that plagued my relationships and most importantly how I was and treated myself. Furthermore the definition of what abuse is, I know that I would keep pushing the boundary of what was abusive so that I did not feel I ever had to cross it. Yet if we bring it back to simple terms, if something is not love it is abuse. Once we understand the true meaning of love this then makes life so much simpler and allows us to put an end to abuse once and for all.

607. What’s often ignored in situations where there is an apparent abuser and person being abused (abusee?), which has been touched on here is the phenomenal manipulation that the ‘victim’ is using to get attention from others. By acting out the victim role, they will be eliciting sympathy and recognition from those around them, which is equal if not more abusive than what they are experiencing from another. That’s not to say they don’t need support, but in order for true healing to occur they too need to recognise and take responsibility for their part.

608. I love this – anything less than love is abuse because live us who we are. What an honest account of abuse you share here – it certainly makes me consider the role I have played in abuse and how I know the abuse starts with a lack of love for myself.

609. To me it seems that the only reason we have issues in relationships is that we put up this wall and will not let the other one see us in full. It’s like we measure the level of intimacy we are willing to part take in which is pretty much a game of control. Between people there is only love and intimacy but we often work very hard for that to not be there. Sometimes it seems like we find it easier to have issues in a relationship than to allow the love that is already there to just be.

610. ‘I have stonewalled and neglected myself in millions of subtle little ways throughout my days. I have felt needy and empty and I have gone to my partner, my kids, my friends, co-workers and alike with this emptiness and said ‘fill me up’. Fill me up, because I haven’t been willing to do it for myself!
     ‘ Well said Anon, How can we look to blame others when we are the product of our own way of living?

611. The cycle of abuse is so well described here. I recognize my own life long patterns of accepting, creating and perpetuating abusive relationships in the many details offered.

     Anon has spelled out what abuse is, what our part in it is and what to do about it with such purity and truthfulness. I wish this blog could be available for every single person who recognizes they are in an abusive relationship and is willing to consider a perspective which just may support them in breaking the cycle.

     An excellent piece to read as we step into the begging of another yearly cycle, going around and around with our choices…

612. What if even the casting of judgement was abuse? Even the viewing of another as less than an equally amazing person as yourself? I have found even the daggers of judgement we box another person into have just as much damage for another person as the actual damage from real daggers in life. In fact they may even have more damage as it such daggers cannot be seen and may only be felt from someone’s thoughts moods and feelings and not necessarily what they say or do.

613. When we compare situations is the only time we can accept less than Love. i.e. Yeah he/she shouts but at least they don’t hit me etc etc.

614. ‘…..how I had expressed had come loaded with victim or martyr energy; already resigned to the belief I would neither be met nor supported!’ I can relate to this victim energy so much and in hindsight see how manipulative I was and deep inside I knew I was but there were pictures, ideals and believes that were at play. The more aware we become, honesty can be there and we can let go of what we are not by loving ourselves first. Your article is truly a great reflection of how starting a relationship with ourselves is the start of a truly loving relationship with others.

615. Oh, I can relate to this behaviour of blaming others and not myself in a relationship when things get tetchy. It is a great to be open and observe this behaviour and call it out, as a pattern we don’t want to keep getting into. My husband and I used to spend a while discussing who started a disagreement, I always thought it was his reaction, but then I realised it was my initial loaded statement first. Now I know there were both unloving ways of living, it is great to expose it with love, right at the beginning and catch this cycle of abuse.

616. Yes Jane this is so true in the tiniest of details. Often we are first to judge the abuse that comes from another not contemplating that the levels of abuse that we accept from another are the same levels we have accepted for ourselves.

617. This word really sums up what you’re sharing here – we have relationships that are ‘arrangements’ rather than connections based on truth or love. But before we have an arrangement with another person, is it possible that we make an arrangement with ourselves first and foremost to NOT be responsible or loving and thus what we experience in the relationship is only an outplay of the choice we’ve already made…

618. wow, super honest blog Anon, and this is the level of honesty we must all attempt to bring if we are to expose the cycles and patterns of behaviour that keep us in the dynamics and separation… if we can get to understand we can realise that these patterns are not the true us, only things we have taken on to avoid a deeper level of awareness, of development, and of responsibility.

619. Thankyou for this sharing, it doesn’t work to look at others and pick out faults when ultimately we may be avoiding a deeper relationship with ourselves.

620. Relationship, friendship and marriage what is the difference, Many would say a lot however if there were all coordinated in the same love and care the issues surrounding these relationships would be far fewer.

621. I can relate to this blog and like you am discovering how fundamental our relationship with ourselves is in all relationships.

622. Wow this blog is so awesome, so profound it feels like it was written by me..” I have stonewalled and neglected myself in millions of subtle little ways throughout my days. I have felt needy and empty and I have gone to my partner, my kids, my friends, co-workers and alike with this emptiness and said ‘fill me up’. Fill me up, because I haven’t been willing to do it for myself! The unspoken deal in these relationships has been “I’ll give you what you need, if you give me what I need.” An arrangement.”

623. “I have found that how I have been with myself is always at the root cause of what is reflected back to me and I now know the very step I need to take to break the cycle of abuse. That step is to take full responsibility for the loving, caring of and nurturing of myself and that requires me to be willing to feel and honor myself in full.” This is gold and should be read everyday for the rest of my lives on this planet.

624. ‘Each one of us can have very different ideas of what constitutes abuse within a relationship…’
     And comparison is the opening for us all to have different measurements of what abuse is. Like, we think raising our voice is ok because it is not violent or physically hurting anyone. Comparison stops us from feeling and reading how any expression not sourced from the light and love we are can have an abusive affect in the body.

625. What a deeply honest and great blog. As I was reading, I could relate to a lot of what you shared. In that I have watered and fed my partners, tended to their needs, all the while I wasn’t tending to my own, so I wasn’t flourishing, feeling vital and nurtured. This of course required a lot of honesty to call out within myself that I needed to make more time and effort with my own self care and nurturing, this is changing all the time. An old momentum can creep in from time to time, but bringing more awareness all the time.

     1. I can relate to this raegankcairney – a very old consciousness that women have been masters of – taking care of everyone else at the expense of themselves and it is an old momentum to be stopped in its tracks through bringing a deeper self care and nurturing to oneself equally so with everything else.

626. After reading your blog Anon I can say that I filter what I accept and won’t accept that is abusive. How important it is to see abuse in all of its forms and also recognise that it begins with ourselves first and foremost. The trick here is not to get caught up in berating oneself, for that is self-abuse. If we sat and considered and really pealed back the layers of abuse, we would be surprised if not shocked at the level to what we tolerate from others, but also that that begins with how we are with ourselves.

627. I have recently been practicing responding honestly to how I feel when someone says something that offends me or I find hurtful, it has been as simple as saying, that didn’t feel nice, and then the conversation can go from there, and the more this is expressed the less hurt there is in the observation, and the easier it is to develop really honest and healthy relationships.

628. What a P O W E R F U L and H O N E S T blog Anon on a much needed topic of conversation. A blog to be read several times to embrace the insights you offer here….and, yes, it all begins with being aware of how we treat ourselves first.
     ‘And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?’

629. “And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?” – spot on! I used to expect my partners to mind read and know what it was I needed. It was total abuse, manipulation and control.

630. The more we love ourselves the bar lifts to what we call abuse. But in truth anything less than love is abuse.

631. It is very empowering when we become aware that we are responsible for everything that happens to us and stop always looking at the other and blaming them. This does not mean that we accept any abuse whatsoever, because to allow abuse is actually abusive – but so too is the blame and victim game as is us ourselves not being loving (which can be very firm) whilst calling out the other for not being the love that we ourselves are not choosing.

632. I completely understand all that you share, nothing will change in this world, unless we have a deeply loving, nurturing and caring relationship with ourselves first and foremost, this is something I am learning.

633. What a great blog. I have found that this cycle of abuse plays out in many different ways – overt and covert abuse but it can be simply me choosing not to be love for any reason at all and it becomes abusive when I blame the other as the reason why I am not love at this moment and any reason, even true and factual reasons, will do. However, it is always my choice whether I am love or not. That doesn’t mean I am a doormat as love can be very clear and decisive.

634. Thank you for sharing this wisdom here Anon. I have experienced both abusive and loving relationships in my life and fully agree with what you share here. The fact is, it is when we realise and accept that we are responsible for being love that our relationships change. Otherwise who is ‘bringing the love to the party’? In a loving relationship, both people recognise that they are responsible for being love and are not there to seek it in the other. After all, the underlying message of seeking love is in fact to state, ‘I do not have love’ – so it is this that needs to be addressed and not the other person. Very well said.

635. We expend so much time and energy looking for love and berating others when they do not provide it when all along the answer is within us. By being willing to confront and heal our deepest hurts we open up the possibility of a truly loving relationship with ourselves and then with others.

636. It is so true that how we are in any relationship is reflected back to us and I know that I have so often gone into victim/martyr mode and then berated the other person for how they have treated me. Becoming willing to look at my part in any situation has been really revealing of just how much I have been the driver of any behaviour towards me. Confronting to look at but also deeply healing and all my relationships have benefitted because there can be no equality when we play victim/see ourselves as less than another.

     1. Helen, this is spot on, and there is a humbleness in allowing ourselves the realisation that we play an equal part to the so called perpetrator of abuse, and so really looking at this is an exposing experience but one that allows true growth and intimacy to develop amongst us.

     2. It is indeed a revelatory and sobering moment when we realise that both the victim and the perpetrator are run by one and the same energy and that this energy is simply all that opposes the great love that we are. When we take blame out of the equation we are left to feel the responsibility we have for the choices we make. Do we say yes to love or do we say yes to abuse? Now we could say that no one in their right mind would choose abuse, yet by virtue of the fact we do not choose love, in that we are not in active expression of this our essence, we are in-truth saying yes to its counterpart, which is abuse. And if we are saying yes to something that is not of our essence, then what is it we have to gain from such acceptance? Do we accept abuse because it affords us an excuse and thus bides us more time to not live from the love that we are? As our world is riddled with abuse from enormous inhumane acts of war down to the very potent and silent glares towards our partners, it would serve us well to ponder deeply on this.

637. You have nailed it anon; self responsibility is the key. What someone else does or says is theirs to take responsibility for. My first relationship is with myself in the context of my contribution or not in breaking the patterns of abuse.

638. This blog really cuts through what we have accepted as non abusive but really is, and it really highlights very strongly that if we are abusive with ourselves first we can’t expect another not to react. Taking responsibility to read that reaction rather than go into feeling like a victim takes an openness and level of maturity in understanding the bigger picture and the part we all play in this.

639. ‘I am not perfect in this practice, but I am committed.’ What a great sentence which could be applied to all aspects of life. Letting go the ideal that we need to be perfect is liberating indeed and to make life about commitment to bringing all of us to all we do, with no holding back – that is truly loving.

640. When we see a pattern of abuse through all our relationships it offers us an exposing moment to recognise that the common denominator is ourselves. What a great reflection that is to bring it back to looking at our choices and if they are truly loving for ourselves first and then naturally for others. This is a gem of a blog, thank you Anon.

641. Through Universal Medicine and the teachings of Serge Benhayon I am also coming to understand that anything less than Love is abuse. We are so programmed to believe abuse is the ‘out-there’ dramatic incidences of another to others… when in fact it is the internal way we choose to treat ourselves and to live in our day-to-day lives that will bring that same treatment towards us – so only self-responsibility will end the cycle of abuse.

642. Thank you, Anon. What a great inspiration for taking a look at our life with responsibility. Knowing and holding ourselves as love first and foremost definitely helps sniff out any abuse we allow in our personal life as well as the world over.

643. The sooner we realise that our choice to be irresponsible and not choose love, and hence then have a demand on another to bring us what we don’t bring to ourselves, is the deepest form of abuse, the sooner we will start to see a decline instead of a steady rise in the gross forms of abuse that ravage us and our planet.

644. Every time I say no to a level abuse, a deeper more subtle one reveals itself. And another opportunity to say yes or no is there.

     1. Me too Vicky and the depths of the meaning of love therefore seem limitless.

645. There is much to learn from this blog, how we set ourselves up and then make it oh so easy to dump the blame elsewhere. But I just love the sentence towards the end ‘I am not perfect in this practice, but I am committed’. That is all it takes to start transforming who we are and our ingrained patterns of behaviour.

646. Anon, thank-you for this super honest sharing. The cycle of abuse that you relay is a continuum that many are living without question. Serge Benhayon’s presentations deliver the responsibility right back into our laps and gives us the opportunity to lovingly feel if this is true and then to make the changes that counter the momentum of this deceitful & highly destructive cycle.

647. How important for us to define this particular word, abuse, for ourselves so that we can take responsibility for how it still plays out in our lives, to the nth degree.

648. Anon your blog opens up a greater understanding of what constitutes abuse. I have up until recently thought of abuse as being something physical and tangible but this is the end result of the more subtle abuses that we allow in our everyday life. I have come to realise that anytime I feel frustrated and it is expressed either by a look or a word it comes loaded with and expectation and an image of how I want something or someone to be and the energy with which I choose to express this is abusive to another. Over the past 6 months I have really begun to feel this, and how it causes others to react and rather than blaming I have stopped at feeling my responsibility in this and I have felt how ugly and abusive this can be.

649. “….I expressed in a less than lovely way, my partner reacted in a less than lovely way and voila – cycle of abuse played out.” Everything is a reflection – if we choose to look deeper into all our relationships. No need to condemn ourselves for messing up but choose to take greater responsibility for the part we may play in future. Thankyou Anon – lots to ponder here for me personally.

650. Thank you Anon for sharing this with us. Exposing what abuse really is and to truly understand it fully means we can then learn to say ‘no’ to it and break this viscous cycle. Being honest and willing to take responsibility for any part we play in an abusive relationship is key to supporting us to put a stop to it. Also, is it possible that in our current society, we may have been a bit confused about what is abuse, or is it that we are not willing to see it for what it is? So, by truly understanding what is not truly loving is abuse, I find this understanding makes it so much more easier for me to nominate, clear and discard any form of abuse.

651. “And it is our responsibility to hold, honour, cherish and nurture that quality in ourselves, moment-to-moment and day-to-day!” It is one step to say no to abuse and step away from an abusive situation/pattern, but as you say the real change starts when we see our part in it and heal that which makes us seek the same over and over again.

652. I agree. We need to get very honest about the word abuse for the world is full of reply abusive behaviour that we have numbed into normality by not calling them for that they truly are.

     1. It seems that we have fallen for comparing situations to others and down playing abuse because it may not be as bad as the extremes – it would serve us to compare to the marker of love.

653. Isn’t it crazy that we hold love as some kind of ideal, goal, achievement. We consider it a treat, a special and wondrous gem that we aspire to or hope for. All of this places love outside of us as if it is something to strive for and work for…and thus something that we may never get to or may lose… We have set ourselves up totally and squarely. Love is who we are, it is our natural expression, it is in every cell of our body. So, actually the ‘achievement’ here is the amazing work, skills, commitment and stubborn determination with which we keep ourselves AWAY from Love. If it weren’t such a tragedy you’d almost admire the tricks and skills that we pull to deny ourselves our most fundamental truth.

     1. Powerfully said Otto… it is such a set-up! It takes so much energy to uphold our avoidance of love, when it is so easy, simple and natural to be all that we innately are which is Love.

654. LOVE should be the norm, the base level, the common denominator – because that is what we are. Simple.

655. I love how you expose the victim mentality that we can go into, as society we are really quick to blame. Your blog brings true education because if we can really observe and notice our behaviour it is easier for us to choose differently.

656. We see it clearly when we are youngsters playing out with our parents and then go on to do the same and believe that is what love is, but this article highlights very well our responsibility when it comes to being abusive with ourselves and then expecting others to give us something we do not give ourselves first. Looking at relationships this way makes it easier to see the abuse.

657. As you say to well – where is the line to be drawn in the sand when it comes to abuse? What if we had a world totally free of physical violence – not one person was ever touched in a way that was unwanted, hurtful or painful – it would be amazing and yet, would abuse have come to an end? What about the hurt and damage the spoken, or even at times the unspoken word can have on people – the way someone ignores you can cut like a knife, or how someone takes about you feel like punch in the gut. Our scale of abuse cannot be measured from lowest and more base forms of behaviour up, for we will end up settling for something ‘better’ but not the true freedom of abuse.

658. It’s amazing how close we are to the source of all the problems around us! We accuse everyone and thing except the person wearing our shoes!

     1. Blame is a great way to avoid responsibility and also to retard any healing that could come from understanding and being accountable for our life’s situations from our choices.

659. By looking at our part in the relationship dynamics from a point of view of ‘How am I supported this to be?’ rather than the blaming of ‘it’s all them’ this is what can turn a relationship around and heal abuse. What I’ve been learning is that when I react to my partner, if I ask myself what is it about what they’ve said or done that I also do that is disturbing/upsetting I understand myself and them more and with understanding theres no room for repeat reactions. This has felt so more freeing than remaining trapped in hurts and blame.

660. ‘I am not perfect in this practice, but I am committed’ ….. love this line. It’s never about being perfect, it’s about wanting to move forward, to evolve, to bring all of ourselves to all that we do. If we are committed to doing this, we are on track to feel the absolute divinity that we innately are and to bringing this quality to all our relationships. How divine.

     1. Yes, Alison, that is very clear and for me it is also finding all the moments when I choose not to be love.

661. Anon, this is a beautiful responsibility, ‘Love is actually who we are! And it is our responsibility to hold, honour, cherish and nurture that quality in ourselves, moment-to-moment and day-to-day!’ If we let go of the idea that it is selfish to put ourselves first and take care of ourselves, then we can live a life of nurturing, honouring and loving ourselves, a life of responsibility and thus not allow any abuse to and from us and inspire otters to do the same.

662. I so love all that you’re sharing here, Anon. ‘And, if I have not listened to and respected how my own body has asked me to be with it and treat it, how can I possibly expect another to?’ ….. so true. If we look for others to bring to us something that we are not prepared to bring to ourselves first, we are, by our own choice, perpetuating a cycle of neediness and abuse.

663. Awesome article Anon, thank you for your honesty and exposing the real evil of the cycle of abuse: “But what about neglect? What about stonewalling someone? What about the occasional swear word said in the heat of the moment? The silent treatment? Venting our frustration?” These behaviours are more damaging than physical abuse because they are not so obvious and hence we tolerate them and/or indulge in them more, whereas physical abuse is very obvious. Saying ‘no’ to abuse begins in our internal environment, the way we speak to and treat our selves. As you so clearly present, if we are not willing to take care of our selves, what right do we have to expect anyone else to? The road back to Love starts with making the effort to re-connect to and express our own love and no one else can do this for us. Serge Benhayon has re-established a strong and powerful reflection of true Self Responsibility, Nurture and Love sorely needed in the world today, a steady, reliable guiding light that exposes the cycles of abuse and victim mentality we have created through our own self neglect. A powerful conversation to initiate Anon and one that supports us all to honestly look at and take responsibility for the cycles of abuse that we allow to play out in all our lives.

664. “Love is actually who we are!” So when we are not love we don’t know who we are and when we don’t know who we are it hurts.

     1. What a gem Mary!

665. “But what about neglect? What about stonewalling someone? What about the occasional swear word said in the heat of the moment? The silent treatment? Venting our frustration? Do we acknowledge these as abuse? Where exactly IS the line in the sand?” Such a great questions anon. These things are often seen as normal in relationships to occasionally occur. ‘Oh yeah we have a fight sometimes, but that is healthy for a relationship…” Yet is it really? Did we ever stop to consider these thoughts?

666. What you have identified here Anonymous is so important if one wishes to have a truly loving relationship. There is so much that is taken for granted, accepted as the norm in relationships but in truth is abuse. As you share, it requires only to be completely honest with oneself to break the cycle.

667. It is very clear after reading this blog that when we define anything less than love as abuse, that there is a lot of work to do to make our lives and the societies we live in based on love and not the abuse that is so abundantly there if we are willing to see it. The abuse can bee found in different disguise, some are easy to recognize but other types of abuse are more hidden and not so easily recognised as they are subtle and already in our lives for that long that we have got used to it. But when we start to bring love back into our lives, all the aspects that are abuse in our lives will surface and become recognizable as a sore thumb as the simply do not fit when we bring love to it.

668. I love this line so much-“The fact is that anything less than LOVE is actually abuse”. I have come to know that this is the truth and accepting it is helping me to be more honest about my life and what I choose or don’t choose.

     1. I completely agree with you Elizabeth, anything less than love is actually abuse, and not only to ourselves but to everybody we are with and meet. So to me this means that I have to become very honest with myself and be clear how much I still allow abuse in my life, either lived and expressed by myself or the abuse I allow to be around me without me taking any action on that,

     2. Yes, Elizabeth, I love this too and I have come to learn the life transforming fact that anything less than love hurts us; is abuse to the tender, loving beings that we all are.

        When I went to Serge Benhayon years ago with a major relationship issue he listened and then responded by saying “Don’t accept anything but love”… it may seem like a tall order and it was extremely challenging but when he said it I understood that it was the only way to truly support myself and my partner to be who we are not who we are not. Because I felt this truth I was able to accept only love. This has brought immense healing for both of us and our relationship is now built on Love and continues to grow.

        —said with full hearted permission from my partner, Ken Elmer

669. You have nailed the cycle of abuse Anon, as in you have exposed the subtleties and more obvious outplays of abuse that we do to ourselves and what we play out with others. When we focus on our partners, children, family and friends, what they are so called doing ‘wrong’, it is a big distraction away from what are we doing. I’ve taken so much away from your sharing, especially how imposing it is to control and to be controlled and treated like you are not capable. This is something that is often done between parents and children.

670. It is true that when we take deep care of ourselves, the caring of another is simply natural and it emanates and is magnified. Love is a responsibility of being ourselves.

     1. And in turn when we take care of ourselves that is what we are communicating to others – how to be with us. The care goes around and comes around.

        1. Love feeds love.

671. I love that realisation that anything less than love is abuse, but it is a really exposing statement. How can any of us expect to be loved unconditionally if there is still abuse in our lives that is coming from us.

     1. And that is the core of the responsibility that we all have. Takes the wind out of the sails of blame.

     2. This one statement of ‘everything less than love is abuse’ as the bench mark – and a truth it is – is a real eye opener to how much abuse people tend to accept in all kinds of relationships in society today. At times it seems that we can abuse those we are in closer relationships with, more than we do with strangers.

672. Anon, this excerpt from one single sentence explains so much about how we have come to be in the mess that we are in ‘hurts translate into non-loving expressions’. Therefore the only way to reduce the unlimited array of non-loving expressions on Earth, is to heal our hurts.

     1. Speaking from hurts stops us speaking from our hearts.

        1. and speaking from our hearts stops us speaking from our hurts.

     2. Absolutely Alexis. I experienced this today, expressing in a way that was non-loving to someone very dear to me. I recognised straight away that the way I expressed was far from loving, I would even go as far to say that it was abusive in the way that it was delivered. This stemmed from expressing from an unhealed hurt rather than expressing from the fullness of me.

     3. ‘hurts translate into non-loving expressions’, I haven’t heard it put this way before Alexis, but hearing it in this way absolutely makes sense, thank-you.
        There’s nothing like being reminded over and over, that until we deal with our hurts we will never be truly loving, both towards ourselves and towards others. One way for me to deal with my hurts is to begin to be honest with myself, that way I can start to be honest with others, and so the healing of all of us begins.

673. Anon this is a phenomenal article. Your willingness to look deeper and to be honest are absolutely rock solid foundations in what you have shared. And by sharing as you have, you give the rest of humanity a ‘leg up’, which is exactly how we are to support each other to evolve ourselves out of this hole we’ve dug ourselves into.

     1. And the willingness to look and call out behaviour in a way that does not hold judgement to oneself is beautiful to read about and a way of embracing that life is a learning in every moment.

     2. Yes, this willingness to share so openly, respectfully and honestly is an incredible opportunity for all those that read this article to be inspired to do the same.

     3. Hear hear. Getting real and raw like this inspires and shows others that it’s okay, none of us are perfect, but that there is always room for us to make loving changes for ourselves.

        1. Nick there can be so much beauty in the ugly detail and so much ugliness in the clean facade.

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