Our grandson is turning 2 next month, and until yesterday he had a dummy. He had several actually, often at the same time. Sometimes he would walk around with one in each hand, one in his mouth and swap them around, as if somehow one of them could give him more than the one he already had. He is very expressive, but would speak with the dummy in his mouth so that we could not understand him, and when we asked him to take it out so we could hear what he was saying, he would get upset.
Our grandson was very attached to his dummies, and this was one of the few things we could use to discipline him, as he cared about them so deeply. He would get very agitated if he could not find his dummy, and at night, if he fell asleep and the dummy fell out of his mouth, its absence would wake him up.
We wondered how we were ever going to wean him off them.
Yesterday, he was playing around being his cheeky little self and throwing the dummy on the floor. He had been doing this quite a bit and he was down to his last dummy, as several had been thrown in the bin. We told him that if he did it again, we would put his last dummy in the bin. He did it again. His father calmly stood up, picked up the dummy and placed it in the bin. His mother and I gasped. His grandfather stood firm. He was in shock for a bit, then started screaming. This went on for a while.
He was put to bed, comforted and held, and the screaming went on for a while longer, until he finally fell asleep. We thought we were in for a wild night, but once he fell asleep, he slept soundly, and woke in the morning, shining and bright.
He came out to share a cup of tea with me and when the rubbish truck came, we went outside to watch it pick up the rubbish, with his dummy in it. He was so different. There was a calmness, an ease about him. Gone was the anxiousness, the plaintive wailing, the demanding, the insatiable desire for something to put in his mouth, whether it be food, drink or the dummy.
He was so expressive, chatting away clearly and interacting happily. It was as if someone had taken the stopper out of a bottle, and the contents were now free to flow. He went to day care for the day, and when it was time for his afternoon nap, there was no dummy. He giggled and said: “Daddy threw it in the bin!,” then went to sleep. No fuss. He had just let it go.
I learnt a few lessons from all of this.
Firstly, love is not always what we think it is. In these days of ‘helicopter’ parenting (parents who hover over their kids, attending to their every whim and desire), we think it is somehow a loveless thing to let kids feel the consequences of their choices. It is not. That is what love is. Holding another in the love that we are and allowing them to feel that they too are that love.
Secondly, we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes. I felt he was actually wanting to get rid of the dummy, but did not know how to do it. It had become a burden for him, and getting rid of it has created an enormous sense of spaciousness and ease in his body.
Thirdly, we can use anything in an addictive way, even a bit of brightly coloured plastic. Anything that we use for relief, to numb ourselves, to not feel, to distract ourselves from what we cannot but feel, can become a crutch that we depend on. And knowing that we are dependent on it creates a contraction, and a sense of unease in us, for if we depend on it, what on earth are we going to do without it?
Fourthly, children are amazing, and we can learn so much from them. Their so-called bad behaviours are often their way of communicating to us what is not true, and offer us a way of bringing them – and ourselves – back to truth. We can listen to and honour these markers of what is and is not true… or not. When a child “acts up”, what are they communicating to us?
I love that I live with our daughter and grandson and get to witness and be part of raising another child, having learnt some lessons the hard way while raising my own.
I love that life is a cycle, how everything comes around, how we are all in this together, and how we are all growing and evolving, back to the oneness we are from.
Published with permission of my family.
By Anne Malatt, grandmother, eye surgeon, Richmond Hill, Australia
Further Reading:
Good Parenting Skills
The Purpose of Parenting
The Beauty of Meeting Children and Allowing Them to Be
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
Thank you Anne as much can be learnt from children when we apply a Loving dedication and be firm from a lived way that we adhere to, because if we do not claim and live to the same stand that we have show towards the young then they feel the discrepancy as not being our Livingness because they cannot feel the love of an action as it would not exist, but when things are lived that level of love ❤️ is felt.
The addiction aspect that you talk about Anne is a very real thing and I love how you have simplified it and shown that this can happen to anything or anyone – the moment we create a dependency on something then we have given our power away and are not allowing our natural growth and expansion to happen – in effect we cap ourselves. What a gift to be supported by another to see this addiction and then to heal it.
“Love is not what we think it is” – this is a classic case of us thinking the loving thing might be to ensure the child has the dummy, but in fact what was asked for was delivered and the dummy was disposed of. Some might find this hard to understand whilst others can then see the growth offered whilst being held with love. This to me is beautiful and though it may appear a little hard to go through if we focus on what happens in that moment rather than allowing ourselves to feel and see the bigger picture, on the long run it is for the better of all.
Anne, I have just read this blog again and have to say there certainly are some pertinent lessons for us all to draw upon. Children do not cease to amaze us in so many ways and this is just one example of many for us as adults to learn from. Thank you again for your sharing.
This is a beautiful story and piece of writing Anne, full of love and wisdom, whilst, ‘Holding another in the love that we are and allowing them to feel that they too are that love.’
A beautiful lesson in parenting. Letting go of the dummy, which impedes expression, and the communication is flowing and clear.
“we think it is somehow a loveless thing to let kids feel the consequences of their choices. It is not. That is what love is. Holding another in the love that we are and allowing them to feel that they too are that love.” What you have shared here is the basis for all relationships, allowing people (of any age) the space to learn, and to hold ourselves and each other as the same equal love.
The power of letting things go and not being attached so we can see clearly see what has been the impedance that has been holding us back from evolving is so real as you have shared Anne.
What a beautiful example of how easily your grandson let go, ‘He went to day care for the day, and when it was time for his afternoon nap, there was no dummy. He giggled and said: “Daddy threw it in the bin!,” then went to sleep. No fuss. He had just let it go.’
An amazing learning. Love that you shared this.
There is a real beauty to allowing things to unfold naturally.
Our children are so inspiring and we can learn so much from them if we only but choose to be open to what they have to show us.
Having those firm boundaries is supportive and being allowed to feel the consequences of our actions is a great opportunity to learn to be responsible.
Firm but loving boundaries teach us so much – and understanding how the consequences are related is another great support for growth.
Understanding that life is a cycle and everything does come around is a pivotal shift of awareness for us all.
Cycles indeed – life is full of cycles each representing an opportunity for more growth.
A great example for all of us. I can relate to this very much with food, I might actually not like how I feel when I eat something and then deep down love it when the package is finished even though I might feel grumpy for a bit because of the things I have to feel. It is greater to feel than to numb away even if it does not seem so at the time.
We sometimes pander to children when actually they are ready to move on and it is our pandering that caps their progress.
Yes Sally, what Anne describes in her blog makes it very clear how we can keep our children small by pandering to them instead of being firm and reading the truth of what is going on. We not only keep them small but also we don’t allow ourselves to feel what love is and how children learn from the consequences of their choices from a very young age.
Absolutely, children are wise, and know what they are doing, equally, ‘children are amazing, and we can learn so much from them.’
It’s amazingly liberating when we realise how what we thought we couldn’t live without was the exact thing that was stopping us from moving onto the next stage, and finally are able to let go.
“children are amazing, and we can learn so much from them” we can learn so much from children when they are pulled-up and accept and appreciate that they are being supported with love to take the next step.
Agitation may not be truly dealt with by a movement of reducing life to a point where we feel held, but by enlarging life and realizing how held we are.
It is up to all of us…that’s what I got from this. We are all in this together and we can support each other to evolve, let go and appreciate.
“children are amazing, and we can learn so much from them”. An absolute yes in agreement with these words. Unfortunately, though the majority of adults think they are simply empty vessels which need filling up with ‘adult wisdom’, which is often anything but wise, instead a package of worn out beliefs passed on down to them plus their own unhealed hurts. I love how your grandson was actually ready for this change in his life and how it was the love and the steadiness from those around him which supported him to take that next step.
We learn and think that letting go of a behaviour / addiction is a long process. So maybe it is a long process because we do not want to let go? And you give a great example that with some support we can let go, and quite easily so.
There is so much more to life than what we initially see, ‘we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.’
It is so true… We can become addicted to anything, and, we can actually leave these addictions behind.
His father must have been very solid within himself to know that such an act was actually what the child needed. I guess this is what makes the best parents; those that are connected to and willing to follow what they feel deep within
If we say something to a child in discipline, and do not follow through with what we say, then we set ourselves up for problems further down the line.
We can either hold our children in the knowing of who they are which supports them or see their behaviours as who they are hence supporting what is not truly them. We can learn so much from children especially how we are with ourselves. If we want to keep something that does not offer us evolution or growth then we may be reluctant to see when our children are ready to let something go.
Your comment Anne that we can use anything for addiction… Even a piece of plastic, is so true, once we start to clock this, to be aware, we will see addiction everywhere
It is so true that love is not what we often think it is. Such a huge amount of harm is done in the false name of love and yet love cannot harm.
“He had just let it go.” An amazing lesson in the freedom of just letting go.
Very true there is a great freedom in letting go because it never serves us to hold onto anything.
This is a great example of how when we are in our authority with another, they can feel the truth and love in what we are expressing.
I really loved reading this Anne, and fully second the moving away from the ‘helicopter parenting’ to one that is firm in its love and consistency, for the other way only leads to entitlement and manipulation, in my experience. “And knowing that we are dependent on it creates a contraction, and a sense of unease in us, for if we depend on it, what on earth are we going to do without it?” – This sentence describes the vicious loop we can get in by searching for something to numb or suppress that tension we feel when we are not being ourselves, then feeling the unsettlement after going to the numbing behaviour (whether it be food, drink, or a hobby, over-work, etc.) and thus going back to another behaviour to not feel that one! But what this young boy shows us all is that we can literally throw that way in the bin and the whole thing is a trick to keep us from feeling how amazing we are and how we don’t need any ‘props’ in life.
I am wondering Anne that by your grandson throwing multiple dummies to the ground and knowing the repercussions that they would go into the bin he was actually building up to let go of needing his dummies anymore. His father wisely realised this and supported him in that transition. After all, we all need support during times of change.
This is a great lesson in consequences and the fact that one of the truest forms of love can be through discipline, in the sense of having a relationship with a child that is based on honesty and absoluteness. E.g., knowing that this behaviour has x consequence, not adding frills or playing games, with the intention of supporting the child to understand fully their responsibility and how they can be all of who they are as they grow up!
Oh my gosh… He let go of that dummy so easily… What a great lesson 🙂
” His father calmly stood up, picked up the dummy and placed it in the bin. His mother and I gasped. His grandfather stood firm. ”
Its so important for kids , that expressed consequences of ones actions are fulfilled, this is a life lesson on responsibility.
I so very much agree with you John, otherwise we learn that words are just empty and that we can get away with our behaviour.
I’m sure children feel the sense of trust we have in them to find their way through emotional dilemmas to uncover the solidness within when we let them be with what they are going through. If we try to intervene and not allow them the space to feel uncomfortable they may not learn what’s truly within.
Needing anything, be it a dummy or another person creates anxiousness because we lose ourselves and leave the steadiness and calm of our body. What a great article.
Love is strong and stands firm, holding the absoluteness of truth. It is through this foundation that we are raised and pulled up to be all that we are here to naturally be. I love what you share here Anne ‘I love that life is a cycle, how everything comes around, how we are all in this together, and how we are all growing and evolving, back to the oneness we are from.’ – as it is only through love that our true potential is realised and lived.
And I love your blog Anne, as the lessons you share are so valuable and important. Having just read a blog on the importance of valuing our elders, this blogs shows exactly the deep wisdom that can be shared by a grandmother.
“He had just let it go” – Kids are extraordinarily wise, and they can know exactly when it’s time to let things go and move on. Sometimes it’s our own interference that causes confusion or leads them away from what they know is true.
So true Susie, and also our own issue with repercussions when we choose something. Children can feel our unease or issue with them/ourselves growing and evolving and they can either go along with it or stay with themselves and let go of what does not belong.
Fabulous article Anne. What struck me the most was the dummies, which one would think give some comfort to a child, actually create the unease that has to arise when we think we need anything. This leaves us feeling less and in the constant chase to feel more.
Some great lessons here indeed Anne – we have such a strong reflection of kids who are so aware of their bodies. They communicate with us in full and rarely hide where they are at. It is by reading and connecting with this communication that we can support them and learn from them.
Beautifully said HM and this is a glowing example how true parenting is a responsibility we all hold whenever we are with a child, whether they are ‘our’ children or not.
‘We can listen to and honour these markers of what is and is not true… or not. When a child “acts up”, what are they communicating to us?’ Too often a child ‘acting up’ will be seen as something we have to stop and as adults we impose on them, we take it as a personal ‘attack’ and judge what is happening instead of observing what is truly going on and to see it as something we all can learn from.
There is no age restriction to choose whether we want to become dependent on something and on what that might be. Opting out of such dependence and truly renouncing to it is the difficult bit. Yet, understanding that what brings pleasure to someone is what owns him/her, helps to help this person to break free from it.
A great lesson in that we are here to support another be all that they are, ‘we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.’
Like many things we tend to put in our mouth, also the dummy represents a need to numb ourselves from the reality that life brings. a reality that needs all of us to be lived in full instead of the lesser numbed person that is actually holding him or herself back in their joy that living life brings.
As we all know the dummy is also known as a ‘pacifier’, and it is no different from an adult having a good stash of scotch or wine in their cabinet, or perhaps a good supply of DVDs or subscription to netflicks – unlimited supply of pacification with the little fear at the tail of it with the possibility of running out. Until we start living in our essence we will always be carrying two dummies around in each hand with one in our mouth. Thanks for the great image and symbol Anne!
What I love about this is that it’s not about a dummy or disruptive behaviour but about another person’s evolution. When we look at life in terms of evolution and that we are all (no matter how small) on an evolutionary path, it brings a different awareness to life and a new responsibility as in our actions we have the ability to support or hinder another persons growth.
Absolutely, love is, ‘Holding another in the love that we are and allowing them to feel that they too are that love.’
When the time or should I say, when we are in the right space to let go of things, then letting go is easy.
How important is it then to go with the flow.
Thank you Anne for a great article, beautiful to see how standing firm with the decision by the family allowed the child to then let go, a realisation that when a child is acting up what is it that they are needing or calling for.
A powerful lesson in letting go. ” ….. we can use anything in an addictive way, even a bit of brightly coloured plastic. Anything that we use for relief, to numb ourselves, to not feel, to distract ourselves from what we cannot but feel, can become a crutch that we depend on”.So many of us do this, using food, alcohol, sport, TV etc – using anything not to really feel whats going on.
At first glimpse I thought this article was called… The Mummy… The horror movie about dead things coming to life… Upon reading it… It was even more scary ☺ we can get addicted so easily, so quickly, and so young.
We are all like your little grandson Anne as we all hold pockets of comfort in different ways and at different stages of our lives but it is the willingness and surrender to let it go and see how this then inspires a greater understanding of why we hold these behaviours in the first place, that we learn a great deal. Responsibility is a beautiful part of our lives and one that we are all apart of no matter how old we are. A great blog Anne thank you.
What a gift to share with us Anne. That there is a picture we have of behaviour that stops us actually listening to what our children are sharing back to us. verbal communication is such a small percentage of what actually is being presented, we would be wise to open all our senses when listening to another.
It is pretty amazing that often what we think will be the hardest thing to give up for a child (or Ourselves) can be done in such a smooth fashion. The signals have to be read that tell us it is time for this to happen!
The responsibility that we hold as parents/Aunts/Uncles/
Grandparents etc is great. Which was used in full in this sharing. There was an opportunity offered that was not ignored, and the results from acting responsibily speak for them selves. The greatest part though in this experience, I feel, is the steadiness that the adults held, no sign of giving in, just simply acting in the moment, with the child being fully aware of the consequences of their actions. Absolutely brilliant parenting.
I can feel the freedom of your grandson Anne.
Great to see that something that may seem to be a support, can become a burden if it’s not let go when it arrives the time to do it.
Our children are a fabulous reflection to us; there is always something to learn in what they are experiencing and communicating. They are very sensitive and they feel everything going on, this has been amazing to experience on a daily basis for the last nine years. We can choose to ignore this reflection or we can be open to it, and with openness comes an honesty, vulnerability and responsibility as a parent that is without question of deep support to those being parented and healing for us as parents. I love the rawness and divineness that children bring to life, always lots to learn and appreciate.
Thank you Anne for sharing this great learning, what a beautiful story to see how something we are attached to can delay our evolution big time and by letting go it all flows again and we are ready for the next step that is already there.
When we parent our children truly out of love and truth, their rebellious behaviors which are signals to us that something is amiss, will have a greater possibility to shift into parenting us back also in love and in truth. This is a win win situation for all.
What you share about being able to use anything as a dummy is very true! Attachments, pacifiers and coping mechanism are a teenage and then an adult thing too. How much simpler would it be to deal with the issue at hand, rather than pacify or comfort ourselves, learn resilience but never really deal with what the hurt or issue was in the first place?!
This blog is such a delight to read. It brings greater understanding as to how toddlers communicate when they are ready to step up and make changes in their life and how we, as adults can support them to do this.
It is so gorgeous to observe children – especially babies and see how they do not take anything on. And as you say here – their bad behaviour is usually reflective of what we are not doing or behavior that is not true.
I feel a bit like that with certain food choices or behaviours that I have grown out of and am ready to give up. I might metaphorically cry or react for a day or two but then afterwards the space, freedom and increased vitality is sooooo worth it!
How different things would be within families if we were to understand that often ‘bad behaviours’ are children’s way of “letting us know what is not true”. A constant barometer in the home for living truth!
I often look at children with dummies and I wonder what are they sucking in , they can spend most of the day and as described in this writing even when they talk its in their mouth. I always get the impression it stops the breathing that will support them and they are gasping for air.
“we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.”
There is a deep honoring in actually following through with what you say, for both the child and yourself. You teach the child respect, and at the same time responsibility. Two fundamental foundations to all human interactions.
It feels really beautifull that you all live together and you are right we can all learn so much from this. I also agree as soon as I read the part ‘throwing the dummy on the floor. He had been doing this quite a bit and he was down to his last dummy,’ It felt like he was wanting to let go of this now but not knowing how to do it so on some level asking for help. Even if we find it hard to express love always finds a way to support us 💕
Yes and there is no need for words – I have found we can read the actions, read the body and you get all the communication you need!
This is simply awesome Anne and shows that no matter what age we are, we can let go of something and move forward in our own time and it is us who can hold them and support them to bring through a greater understanding for their choices made, by simply allowing them to just be. What a gorgeous reflection this holds for all. Thank you.
What an inspirational blog this is Anne, and what a wonderful opportunity for reflection your grandson has given you and all of us. When we have attachments to anything – whether they are people, animals, places or objects, we do not allow the flow that is there to offer us so much more for ourselves and for everyone else.
Helicopter parenting is a pretty telling phrase. I see it a lot with parents and I can see how the kids clock this – they react to their parents reactions. So then what are we teaching our kids? To me this is not love and I feel blessed to be able to read my toddler and not react to her – but talk to her as I would an adult and see the bigger picture.
What struck me when reading your blog Anne was the calmness and steadiness of the boys father in following through with throwing the dummy in the bin. Following through an action expressed in love and truth is such a key to parenting. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom.
Thank you Anne, I had a moment reading where I realised in my own way I too can experience the “anxiousness, the plaintive wailing, the demanding, the insatiable desire”. For me it’s often around pictures of how I falsely believe life needs to be or should be, then the internal chaos starts. Your two year old grandson is an inspiring example of the power of letting go, thank you.
Yes, I have had to call the ‘whambulance’ for myself at times. The insatiable desire to not feel what I am feeling and desperate to find a way, any way, to numb what I am feeling. I have loved going with the vulnerability and seeing what is underneath.
‘Firstly, love is not always what we think it is.’ I love the simple truth shared in this line Anne, too many people live with a version of love that’s emotional and based on need rather than supporting another to truly evolve.
This blog is a great example of love, and giving another space.
Gorgeous Anne – what a profound example of love and that is being expressed and has consequences, but clearly not in pain or reaction, but from absolute understanding of what is true and needed. That to me is absolute love.
Your insight into why children do what they do is profound. When we accept that behaviours are a reflection we have to face our own responsibility and the consequences of what we are choosing.
When we let go of our “dummy” or sources of comfort in life, we are naturally freed us up to be able to express more of who we are, just as your grandson was. What a great reminder for us all to let go of the things that holds us back from evolving.
True love is the offering of evolution to another.
Brilliant article and i love the ‘helicopter parenting’ analogy… how apt this is.
Allowing another the space to be and evolve at their own pace is true love, even if that means that it takes them years/ lives in misery and discomfort to come back to the essence of who they truly are.
When we truly start to observe life all around us ,we can learn so much from the smallest things… like a dummy ! ☺
We are always learning from life; what do we choose to do with what we learn?
“We never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.” Absolutely, we don’t know what is in front of someone and what might be next for them and we should never ever stand in their way when the time comes for them to step up and go to the next level.
Yet how much do we presume there is an age to do things? I have found we also have a fear of the behaviour being bad and us not being able to cope that comes in when we consider supporting another to let go of their pacifier (child or adult!)
Yeah could there be a right time for everything and that time is not age related, but related to that particular person’s evolution and what is right for them in their life.
Being humble enough to learn from our children is a sign of great wisdom.
What you have shared Anne has great value for us all, adults and children alike. Anything that was once evolutionary for us can easily become a comfort, attachment or addiction, hindering our development, if we do not continue to grow, let go and expand with the evolution that is always on offer.
We can attach ourselves to all manner of things to avoid our true expression. We often times are aware of these but sometimes we need a nudge from a friend or even a firm hand, as in the case here, to allow us what it takes to really let go and free ourselves from the restrictions we have moulded our comfort around.
I love what you are saying here Anne about never getting in the way of another’s next evolutionary step. This is a huge part of what it is to love and care of another.
There is so much that so many can learn from so few words… consequences, responsibility, and true love… thanks Anne.
Breaking through the illusion of what emotional love allows us to understand the truth and power we hold when we live from an open heart and we can allow and hold another in space for them to be who they are and evolve at their own pace just by receiving our reflection as a marker of truth.
A wonderful reminder that life is full of amazing lessons and often children are our teachers. I have had the joy of living just up the path from two of my grandchildren for all of their lives and boy have I learnt so much from them. They have had me squirming at their honesty at times but after the initial shock of what has been delivered I am always ready to listen and appreciate the lesson that I had been given. Our children may be small in stature but they are big in wisdom; it’s up to us to honour that and be open to listen and to learn.
“And knowing that we are dependent on it creates a contraction, and a sense of unease in us, for if we depend on it, what on earth are we going to do without it?”
I can feel the choice to be stuck in the loop of dependency for certain things. It is simply an excuse of not wanting to evolve. Your grandson was supported to take the step, when we are older we have the responsibility to initiate these for ourselves. By connecting to true purpose this can offer all the support and loving guidance required to take any step.
Gorgeous blog Anne! The family is a source of great and real education . . . and humour!
This is very beautiful. Not only your grandson was able to let go of his dummy, but your whole family had an experience of how true love would look when it comes to parenting and allow us to be open to observe and learn so the entire family evolve and now you sharing it with us all – we all evolve. We indeed are all in this together.
Wow I love this Anne! The palpable change in your grandson could so be felt by just reading your experience. I have seen this countless times with my own children… how I might feel worried about how they may react if something is taken off them or another consequence, and more often than not it’s a great opportunity for them to let go of a vice that does not support them. My go to at the moment would be my phone and before I know it I’ve wasted so much time on it.
I love this article and all the work wisdom that pours from it. Thank you Anne.
Beautiful Anne, thank you so much! What a magnificent blog , example of how we can be with things we need to break through in life, and showing us that there is a very deep love in true discipline. From this example I know that love can be very different that I would have imagined to be.
Reading this you can see how we as adults can transfer our insecurities onto the child by having a picture of how they may or may not react, and then hold a tension waiting for the tantrum to start. Also having learnt the hard way whilst bringing up my children, it is easy to see that too much emotion clearly never helps any situation, and feeling guilty for saying no is a belief that we could well do without.
I love this blog and the symbol the dummy offers us all Anne. Reading your words today it’s clear to me that even having issues and difficulties in the first place is a huge distraction to me being me. I don’t actually have the problems I think I do, and whilst I might kick up a fuss at first when this is pointed out – the easiness and flow that comes through is beautiful to feel. These dummies we have are all just a way to avoid our natural power.
Adults acting childish, when, it is used in a reactive way, like the over reacting saying of throwing the baby out with the bathwater doesn’t do Justice to really acting childish! Your actions with the dummy have shown how expanding, small things we let go of and the large effects they have. Maybe, we need to act a bit more childish more often. We can leave things that are holding us back and just move on and have a little fun!
Often it is us adults who cannot let go of the measures we have put in place to support our children, even when these measures are clearly not supportive anymore. Children, when given the space, are remarkably ok with letting go as long as they do not sense the attachment on the adult’s behalf. Great example Anne!
Yes, children are often so much readier than adults to move on from habits, attachments, patterns etc.
Children are amazing as you say Anne and we can learn so much from them from their ways of playing and how they interact with others to things that may be upsetting or disturbing them. When we hold others with love and allow them the space to be it is awesome what we can learn. Thank you Anne.
I love that when something that we are using as a crutch is truly let go of… spaciousness and ease is left in it’s place to confirm the choice to discard what is no longer needed and a place for something more to be. A great and inspirational reminder in the beauty of choosing to evolve.
Love can come in many different expression,it is selfless, for the all and absolutely honouring and appreciative of the truth of a persons essence and gentle. I am a parent and I am learning that I need to hold authority, be sure and not tolerate some behaviours, while begin gentle, (not weak…gentle) it is important that I be role model and be responsible.
Whenever someone criticised my mum for letting me have a dummy as a child, she would ask them why it was okay for them to have a glass of alcohol as a comfort or relaxer, and yet it was wrong for me to have a dummy. As I have grown up I can see the logic in what she said, but in both cases be it adult or child what has to be considered is why it is the pacifier that is needed.
I have had many dummies of my own over the years which have ended up in the bin when the time was right and one or two that I am still clinging on to that it is time went to their rest in the dump truck.
This is a beautiful piece of writing Anne, filled with so much wisdom and understanding. When I come back as a little bubba with dummy mania, I’d like to have a grandmother like you!
Trusting that everyone gets what they need is a great way to not get involved in other peoples stuff. If i think I know what another person needs then it is just a way of not dealing with my own life and how could i possible know what another person needs?
Children have a wisdom that I have forgotten. I realize that I may have learned more from my children then they have learned from me.
“Firstly, love is not always what we think it is.” This is so true I am having all my parenting ideals thrown in the bin at the moment. Helicopter and Lawnmower ( preparing and preventing any obstacles for the kids before it happens) parenting is not only disabling our kids it is extremely harmful to the parents as well.
A great example of how clued onto things children are.. they like adults are well aware of the games they play.
“Anything that we use for relief, to numb ourselves, to not feel, to distract ourselves from what we cannot but feel, can become a crutch that we depend on.” – Too true, we can be very creative when it comes to ways and means of holding back, distracting ourselves or avoiding something!
And we use a lot of energy doing this, rather than simply surrendering to what every moment has to offer in terms of learning and growing.
Wonderful insights! I will think of these lessons as I try to wean my daughter of her own “devices” haha! Thank you!
Beautifully shared Anne, I know of more adults than children that would have tantrums if there comforts were taken away. This blog highlights how the comforts in our lives keep us stuck in a contraction that holds us back from truly evolving – time for me to examine anything I am holding onto to and place in the rubbish bin as well.
I love that life is a cycle, how everything comes around, how we are all in this together, and how we are all growing and evolving, back to the oneness we are from. I love the inclusiveness of this Anne, all of us are here to support and hold each other in love, with a little nudge here and there, whether work mates, acquaintances, friends or strangers, by listening, honouring and allowing space for changes at just the right time.
I think often about the damage of helicopter parenting, and I admire those parents who are able to trust enough to let their child explore and interact with others and with their world. It must be a real challenge to stand up against a screaming child yet I guess doing so is how they grow and evolve into responsible people and a real mark of offering true love.
“…we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.” – and we do not need to know. We can support them if they need it but the greatest support for them is us living our own evolutionary path.
“we can use anything in an addictive way, even a bit of brightly coloured plastic” and we learn it from very young that distraction is the way to go when we feel uncomfortable. But instead we should learn to stop and feel, even more, as only when we are, in the true sense of the word, ‘with’ ourselves can we know what is going on for us and the next step will naturally unfold.
I like what you are calling out here, that we often do to another to keep our own peace. So parenting starts very much with ourselves, When we are willing to let go of our own comfort we will know what steps to take with ourselves and our children.
I am inspired by how this example of true parenting is firm but equally without any judgement or control what so ever. It is still holding the child in absolute love for who they are and respecting their choices whilst still knowing that some of their behaviours are simply not coming from them.
I could so feel the blessing of the ‘cycle’ of life in your beautiful words Anne: ‘I love that life is a cycle, how everything comes around, how we are all in this together, and how we are all growing and evolving, back to the oneness we are from.’ I am re-experiencing being with my daughter who now has her own daughter and the depth of love and understanding of our communication and expression with each other is quite wonderful to observe and be part of.
It is incredible to build relationships based on openness, respect, love and a willingness to learn together. The cross-generation connections are an inspiration and gift for all of us.
It is actually so simple to let go and grow. But we put barriers in the way to hold us back and what I have come to realise is that it takes more energy to keep me
Small then to let the natural
Path of progression occur. For example if I hold onto a food that no longer supports me – my body has to give me a cold or a sore tummy to get the message across. But if I let the food go when I know it’s no longer needed, then it is so simple and my body feels a lot lighter.
Very true HM, while I still hold on to the issue or hurt that I need a certain food or vice to protect, then I continue to have the consequences in my body. Once I heal and let go of what I’m protecting then the vice I’m using usually disappears quite simply.
Thank you Anne. This story has helped me let go of a few things and bring much more understanding to myself when I discover I am using behaviours and patterns that don’t support me.
“love is not always what we think it is” – this is a big one to crack! On growing up, I used to think love was when you had a crush on a boy or when your heart felt tight in your chest because this is what everyone else told me love was! But wow, that was certainly NOT love at all, just an emotional roller coaster or a ride that numbed me from feeling what love really is. It took me a long time to realise and learn that Love actually has nothing what so every to do with emotions, in fact if there is any emotion involved then you know it is not about love. Love is a quality, a being, and in most cases it asks you to be very strong in the most gentlest of ways, so that you can lay clear boundaries, say no and do just what is needed to truly support and love another as well as yourself. And this is just the beginning…
I like your description of ‘helicopter’ parenting Anne, and your blog reminds me that love is not pandering, imposing or nice but firm, steady, strong and so absolute.
Spitting the dummy isn’t always a bad thing.
Wow this just seriously shows how easy evolution can be when there is no resistance in the way.
Yes, the dummy could be quite convenient for both parties – the parents don’t need to hear things they don’t want to and the child does not risk a backlash for its expression.
I find the ability of small children to be incredibly open and loving on the one side and to have quite sophisticated and successful strategies on the other side quite fascinating.
Ha ha, I love this comment Christophe – it goes to show that no one, no matter what age, is an innocent little being…We all know exactly what we are doing.
Love is not what we think it is – this I certainly have started to realise, understand and feel that what I thought love to be is not actual what Love is. Serge Benhayon since the first day I met him and over 13 years on has consistently shown me Love. Love in way that expresses sometimes things that I don’t want to here but he say’s it anyway because what he is sharing is supportive for me to see the choices I make that are not who I am. Serge constantly calls me to be All of who I am and this is what Love is, holding another in all the Love that we are so they can see, feel and live the Love that they are.
There is so much richness in observing and supporting others what they feel is the right time for them. That does not mean we cannot provide limits and boundaries in raising children, but I can feel the beautiful allowing in this interchange.
What a fascinating blog! I had a similar situation with ending breast feeding thinking it would be a big deal but rather it was a deepening of our connection.
I keep coming back to this article simply because I really enjoy the honouring in it of the innate wisdom of a child. I then am inspired to accept that that same wisdom never goes, even when we have grown up and covered it over with social conditioning.
I love what you are saying here Matilda, that what we admire in another too does live in ourselves, we simply haven’t given it the time and dedication it deserves.
This innate wisdom is held within us all and when we honour it with the quality that it comes through without the ideal and beliefs of ages and experience we all receive the learning in the most profound way.
‘Firstly, love is not always what we think it is. In these days of ‘helicopter’ parenting (parents who hover over their kids, attending to their every whim and desire), we think it is somehow a loveless thing to let kids feel the consequences of their choices. It is not. That is what love is. Holding another in the love that we are and allowing them to feel that they too are that love.’ Beautifully expressed. I understand that with a lot of parenting many parents feel guilty for not being able to give their kids as much attention as they feel is needed and so try to overcompensate by indulging. I have learned how important it is for my children to understand the consequences of their choices. If they do not then I have disempowered them and am sowing the seed of allowing irresponsibility. Letting this pass is not only damaging to the child, who is allowed to be self unaware, but is ultimately damaging for society as more young adults are raised believing they are entitled and owed.
‘Their so-called bad behaviours are often their way of communicating to us what is not true, and offer us a way of bringing them – and ourselves – back to truth.’ This sentence reminds us of the importance of reading situations and bringing a deeper understanding to others ‘bad-behaviours’ and this can be applied to all ages.
I love how children can surprise us with their innocence and playfulness when we bring love and understanding to a situation. It would be so easy to go into sympathy for your grandson, but you all united and stayed true to love, a valuable lesson for us all.
It is remarkable how the whole family was on the same page and simply supported this next step. And it shows how easy life flows when we allow for what is next to unfold.
So true Esther. Children can read adults like a book and if they sense that someone will give in to them they will make sure it happens! When a family of any sort unites in love it is hugely supportive and anyone who does not choose that love is made starkly aware of their choices and the impact they have.
Children never cease to amaze me, and like you Anne I was living with some of my family and a small child and it is a blessing to watch a child develop as you mention. How much wisdom does a small have? This points to the fact that we carry with us much wisdom from many past lives.
“When a child “acts up”, what are they communicating to us?” This is such a great question and if we respond in this way, rather than berating the child, we are being given a great opportunity to learn something and in the process deepen our relationship with the person and ourselves.
I agree Jonathan. I get numerous opportunities to do this in my job working as a teacher. Simply being aware enough to ask the question means I have not automatically gone into reaction, and can therefore respond calmly.
This story is so symbolic of what we can all go through even as adults – we can spit the dummy so to speak, we can resist growth and want to stay in our comforts. And then with the loving support and a nudge from a friend or family member, it can be just the thing that supports us to let go of the old and embrace the new, which really is not new, but is simply our return to a way of being that is natural and normal with its levels of responsibility that are forever deepening.
Thank you Henrietta, I had to smile at “spit the dummy”. It’s very true, I see this also when people don’t want to move out of an old, familiar way of being into new territory, there is clinging, wailing, resistance….and then they glide into it. The fight we put up to prevent the new is really the only hard part.
I think I have attached and let go to many dummies in life. All the things that reward me and soothe me and allow me bear the tension of not living who I truly am in life.
Letting ourselves see behind our behaviours and those of others can bring us to a whole new level of understanding that means we can support and guide rather than react and admonish. I love this article.
It was great to read this again, I remember when I was younger and my little sister had the same thing about dummies. So when it came to last dummy and she was throwing it around, my parents cut the dummy in front of her and that was the end. She let it go and we all remember that moment as she would never go anywhere with out her dummy. There comes a point in our life when we feel its time to move on and let go of things that no longer serve. I am currently working on letting go of comforts that are like my dummies.
Your grandson is so lucky to live with such a beautiful, wise and loving grandmother, your reflection for each other must be truly divine.
Ive recently let go of some dummies too, these are the things we allow to hold us back from who we truly are. Not at all easy to do letting go of something that has been a comfort, but to move forward is to let go of our dummies.
We know what harms us and what heals us but it always comes down to the willingness of choosing what is of true good for our wellbeing and taking the required action. Letting go of a false ‘good’ is setting us free to do the overdue step for our development.
We could liken a dummy to anyone of our needs. I have let go of the need to have children and the spaciousness and freedom this brings is amazing – in my body, life, thoughts, the way I teach, how I interact with kids, to my partner, family, to other women, girls, in relationships – not to mention the vast space and freedom in my body that’s opened up, and my movements have completely changed.
What a brilliant letting go Gyl. All the children you so lovingly teach are all your children, and you have greater access to interacting with and being with children than most parents! All day every day. Bringing that vast space you’ve allowed will be such a blessing for those you meet.
Children show us how simple it is to let things go and drop behaviours that do not serve us. For sure, we might feel strange initially, and we can fight it like your grandson initially Anne, but when we know it to be true, he showed how easy it is to simply move forwards and let it go. It felt a joyful release as he watched it taken away in the dustcart, we can do the same when we let go of something that has been holding us back. When I have done this, I wonder why ever I took so long because it seems so easy as he has proved.
I am yet again inspired and amazed by the liberation of letting go of ill patterns and habits that have felt comforting simply because of their familiarity. The initial steps without them can be a bit unsteady but there is always a sense of a lightened load.
Yes children’s so called bad behaviours are such a great opportunity for bringing us and them back to love. These behaviours call out what is not love in no uncertain terms. We can ignore what’s being communicated and feign ignorance or really be honest about what is being shown even if we know it is asking up to drop a behaviour or two, no matter how uncomfortable this is.
‘…we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.’ Such a great point Anne and such a great example of how we can do this in this blog – relatable to all areas in our life.
How beautiful is to read how simply children respond to consequences. No fuss – just acceptance in full. Imagine if we lived that way as adults: if we heard that too much sugar will make you sick and we understood in full the consequence this had on our bodies and we’re able to say ok – no more sugar then. We have so much to learn from
Children.
I love how this is a story that relates to all of us. We can all have a tantrum when we don’t get our own way, but sometimes we are unable to see that getting our way is not necessarily the best or most needed thing.
Anne, i have had similar experiences with my three children where we have talked together about changes in our rhythms and over the next weeks i have been astonished at the ease with which they have implemented these changes. When they feel something is true, their adaptability is absolute.
Great appreciation of how children can inspire and teach us when we are willing and humble enough to listen, see and hear. Thank you Anne and Lucinda.
It just goes to show that our children can be great teachers for us if we are open to such truth from them
A child lets go of a dummy and adults hold on for life times! What an interesting take on an adult knows better!
Anne what you have shared is gold, it shows me that any ideal or belief can be thrown out at any point in our life. When we throw out any old rubbish that we have lived with the blessing to our life is immense.
It’s great to see whole generations of families working together in this way. So often you see a power struggle in these type of situations or people overrunning the other one but this isn’t the case here. What you have all done and brought to us all is how we can all be and work together for what ever is needed. In this case there was more to see then just a young person with a dummy and you together have each brought a part to support and expose the where to next in this. This and how it was done has supported all of your family as you can see and feel. A great model for us all.
A great example of true love and the evolution it offers.
We have a saying in English that describes someone who is having a tantrum or a major reaction about something as someone who is ” spitting the dummy”, in other words they take the symbolic dummy out of their mouth and say what they actually feel. Unfortunately it often comes from an explosive energy of having stayed quiet about things for a long time and then suddenly they cannot do that and it all comes out in one big explosive reaction. Getting rid of the dummy, whatever that might represent in our life is a really great thing but we need to do it without reaction.
Firm love the best parenting tool.
I agree that when children are misbehaving or ‘acting up’ so often we don’t read the situation fully but only react to it and seek to solve it or quell it. Really reading your children which includes feeling energetically what is actually going on and the full picture is so important for truly harmonious relationships in a family and for me as a parent has been an absolute lifesaver for me and for my children!
Your blog just shows how simple it is to let go of our ‘dummy’ when the choice is made, and have the loving support of others around us. Young children are very good at reading situations, they can feel if we mean it or not, so when the dummy was taken away, the decision was made, full stop, and with the loving support of his family he just let it go and moved on. What a wonderful inspiration he is to the rest of us. Thank you for sharing.
What I find interesting is how much are babies eager to enter in a relationship, how convenient is for adults at first that this relationship is with a dummy, doll, etc. That becomes his/her first relationship. Yet, when this ‘disappears’ and is held in love by a close human being, the baby enters in full in a different type of relationship; on in which how the adult is in her/his body matters a lot.
This is such a great story. I love how much there is to learn from children. Whilst I’m not a parent, I can see how it could be difficult to gauge when it’s time for consequences and when it’s time to let things go. But this is a wonderful example of how we just need to go with what we feel and stick with it.
There is so much for us to learn from the reflection of children, and the more present we are with ourselves the more fine-tuned our communication becomes and we know what is actually going on at any given time.
I so love coming back to your blog Anne, it is such a great reflection for us all. I could feel the release and freedom that your grandchild received from letting go of their dummies. To have three on the go is quite a strong need and I was wondering if as they got older, if cycle had not broken would they have gone on to food or some other addiction to replace the dummy. What I love that in his/her own way they were asking for help, and they got true love not the helicopter love that you mention.
There is so much Unity and Love felt in this blog it was a joy to read. Thank you.
I love how this story shows us that if we do things in right timing then giving up something or accept something has come to an end does not have to be a struggle. Listening to the signals that the body is giving us helps us to know when the time is right to make changes.
What a beautiful experience for him and for you. Maybe by using the gesture of throwing the dummy, he was communicating that he’s had enough of it and it’s time for him to move on 🙂
Anne, thank-you for such an insightful and entertaining blog, I enjoyed reading every word of it. I am a new grandmother myself and already I can see how even a little baby can manipulate those around it. I am inspired by your words, and feel that what you have shared will support me as my little grandson grows up to not make the same mistakes as I did with my own children. After all, we are all here to help each other evolve, and I shall learn from him as much as he shall learn from me!
It is truly amazing what we can learn from children as we learn to respect their innate wisdom. As you say Anne children don’t behave badly – it’s usually us ignoring their call for support and love to tread the path to the true way of living life. I recall the frustration I felt as a child when I was not understood and respected – it felt so confusing when I could not understand what it was that was considered ‘wrong’ when I felt I was living joyfully and having fun. It felt as though I was completely squashed when I expressed what to me felt natural.
‘When a child acts up what are they communicating to us?’ I love this question,and it is just as revealing to ask it of ourselves. Understanding where this unruly, literally ‘out of order’ behaviour is coming from is a long way to seeing how we can bring back order and harmony to ourselves . Being firm with ourselves and letting go of the comfort/er allows us a brighter and more interactive exchange with life and those around us.
It is important to not have pictures, expectations or judgements of another person – for we do not know who they are and what they are truly capable of. If by holding or meeting people from pictures, expectations or judgments – how do we know we are not capping them from evolving and being all that they naturally are?
an awesome blog to keep coming back to and remember that the pull to be more is always there.
Love can be very firm and holding, not supporting a behaviour that actually stifles our growth..although it can be very uncomfortable. Superb, joyful and inspiring, a child who is truly loved!
This blog always puts a smile on my face, I can really feel the cheeky playfulness your grandson expresses. I love what you say about children and their ‘bad’ behaviours too. It inspires me to look at the ways I ‘act up’ in my adult life and feel what might be underneath the choices I make.
This blog reminds me of all those times when life presents us with something we do not like or find difficult and often my first reaction is to ‘throw a tantrum!’…but afterwards I often realise that it happened for a reason and that I have learnt a lot from it.
We all have a fair share of ‘dummy spits’. It is the children we care for who are our greatest role models in showing us how simple it can be.
“….we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.” This is so true Anne. Even when we think we know what is best for another, especially when it comes to children, we can very easily get in the way by thinking we are protecting them, whereas it could be the complete opposite and we can end up holding them back.
It’s interesting to consider the meaning of the word ‘dummy’. It means something that is designed as a substitute for a real one e.g a ventriloquoist’s dummy, a dummy in a shop window, a feigned pass in sport to trick the opponent. A teat is used as a substitute for the mother’s nipple and it very much depends on the intention of the person giving it to the baby as to how it is received. For example, if the dummy is stuffed in the baby’s mouth to shut it up or comfort it, the baby may learn to depend on the dummy for comfort and as a substitute for love. If the dummy is given to the baby with love, knowing that the child does not need more milk but that it may still need to suck, then it will not become so dependent on the dummy as it is not given as a substitute for love.
Loved reading your article Anne, how often is a dummy in many forms used to not feel what is going on in our lives, from childhood to adult hood we all look for pacifiers that sooth and quell the pain we don’t want to feel. It was amazing the change in the child the next morning, this is a great sharing that would benefit parents to read.
Consequences are a great thing to experience and feel; in mainstream parlance they have gone out of fashion, as though we are trying to protect ourselves and others from the natural follow-ons of our and their actions – how do we then learn?
I have seen this a lot in children. They can scream out for boundaries and are actually asking for support. It can be easier to see in a child but I’m wondering if we as adults do the same thing…?
I would love to give your blog to all new parents, to often we pander and give in to a child when in truth, like what you have shown, real love is not about giving in and rolling over, it is about standing strong and being firm in Love.
Brilliant comment Ariana. And the reason we do put dummies and food into our children’s mouths when they grizzle is because we can’t bear to hear the grizzle, observe it and feel it and what is needed. And why can’t we bear to hear the grizzle because it activates the same grizzle, hurt, that we are still carrying within us from the past, having not made it conscious and choose to deal with it.
I love this story of your grandson letting go of his dummy as a metaphor for how great and spacious we all can feel when we let go of all the many ‘crutches’ we can use to ‘pacify’ ourselves – like overeating, alcohol, shopping etc
This is a great blog to come back to. I have been looking at the ways I still have a dummy so to speak, something I use to dumb down what might be there for me to see and feel and express and I realised this morning that anxiousness is one of them. It is a ‘go to’ feeling of familiarity that I use to prevent me from connecting very deeply to the stillness and innate wisdom I naturally am within.
The reflection from children can be so strong, their connection to themselves is what our bodies remember and yearn for. I love to watch the way they move, so unaware of any other way to be and the lightness and joy within them. They can have fun with the slightest thing, a twig in a park or jumping in puddles. Your grandson showed you how he could move on very easily when you allowed him the space to do so.
Having the opportunity to parent again is such a gift, and I love the way you have described your relationship with your daughter and grandson, it is very inspiring.
I still read this title ‘ The Dummy’ and think how many times do I throw away my ‘so called’ dummy in a tantrum – with myself or others because things aren’t going my way. How controlling and exhausting way to live. Much more joyful and less tense and anxious to go with the flow, and not take things to heart so to speak or personally.
This is an interesting blog and I love what people have commented. It made me reflect on the purpose of dummies and whether they are truly serving a child growing up at all, as what they teach us from young on is to use something outside of ourselves to console us, to feel save, to feel protected and cared for. Wouldn’t it serve much more if we learned to find all this within and each time we feel lost, sad, or devastated to turn within and re-connect to that inner place where we are held, supported and loved without end?
I love the reflections here from what your grandson has showed us, Anne, and how that translates into so many of our adult lives with the use, abuse and/or relinquishing of ‘dummies’.
“We never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.” Living with this realisation requires us instead of judging, controlling and strategising, to simply be open, feel what is required with our heart and respond without holding back. It is so very honouring of people.
what a beautiful reflection on what it is to not hold onto things – imagine if we did this as adults – just let go of what we know is no longer needed or supportive. Kids have such wisdom that we should not discount.
It is amazing how much we can learn from a situation like this and actually every situation in life if we are open and observing to see and read what is going on.
It is important to allow another to feel the consequences of their choices – otherwise they don’t learn.
What I love about what has been shared here is the understanding that unless truly renounced (as in this case with your grandson, Anne) the dummy is simply replaced by other habits and dependencies. We do not suddenly ‘grow up’, we carry everything with us until we choose to take care of and responsibility for ourselves.
A great reminder how we can let go of our substitute dummy without the fuss – at any age!
I enjoy coming back to this blog, Anne, as a reminder of how it is always possible to let go, no matter how old we are and how entrenched we may be in a certain pattern. And that is because we are naturally made of love…and are so so much more than the things we attach to and identify with in our temporal reality.
Being open to learning from those around us is accepting the invitations and offerings of relationships. In fact it is one of our madnesses to resist this.
Even reading the words ‘the dummy’ makes me feel we all still have tantrums in life. We just use something else, be it emotions or pictures, other than a dummy.
Haha, well said Gyl…suggesting that adults have tantrums is not far fetched by any means!
Oh yea, I can certainly relate to having those tantrum things as an adult, not in those wriggling about on the floor full blown screaming fits way, but in the petulant, sulking way when something didn’t go as I planned, or I didn’t get what I wanted. Someone recently said to me that we can’t control our outer environment, we can only control how we are within ourselves, so the best thing we can do then is to let go of pictures, ideals, beliefs, expectations, emotional attachments, foods and pastimes that numb and distract us – in other words, our dummies, and make the choice to evolve, or at least drop the resistance to evolution which is inevitable anyway.
Control closes space down and surrender opens space up. Control comes from disconnection and surrender comes from connection. Control comes from fear and surrender comes from love. There are only two camps and every-thing in life comes from one of these two camps and no-thing has a foot in each camp.
That he could so clearly and easily let the dummy go is a lesson for me too. There are things that I want to let go, and thought that I had, but then the same issue comes up again, clearly showing me that I haven’t. I need to joyfully watch that garbage truck take those hurts away and be clear of them forever.
This is so cool Amanda, I have thrown my ‘dummy’ into the garbage truck only to jump right in there and fetch it out again! What Anne has presented in her very insightful blog is how simple it is to let go of our crutches if done with love and the intention to evolve.
‘I love that I live with our daughter and grandson and get to witness and be part of raising another child, having learnt some lessons the hard way while raising my own.’ In our nuclear family situation we can often miss out on moments of gold like this dummy event! As grandparent age we never stop learning about behaviours and relationships with each other – we are forever learning and refining the grace, wisdom amid humour with which we embrace life.
Reading your article and the comments Anne, I suddenly had the feeling of clinging onto certain foods in the same way myself, and that insatiable desire to have something in my mouth, but more important, of the knowing if the desire to let them go too, and what a burden they are, and how they prevent me from being fully in my life and communicating clearly. A great exposure, thank you.
Such a great example and one that can be applied to any relationship… spitting the dummy just got a whole lot more meaningful!
In what way Joel? Is there a blog from you on this? I would love to read more on your insights about this.The identity we get from having hurts is a great one to keep us stuck. “With all these hurts how can I possibly get on, how can I possibly be so amazing, how can I possibly have an incredible relationship or an incredible life?”
‘Hurts’ are a great tactic for delay, as is spitting the dummy. Somewhere along the line we just haven’t taken responsibility. What a great reflection that child got when his dummy was so easily binned. Let’s just bin our preoccupation with our hurts. Not that we bury them. If we can just acknowledge them, realise we have another choice and take action from there, moving forward from a loving place, as a new foundation and building from there. If a baby can do it surely we can as adults?!
Gosh I know that from my own! “the insatiable desire for something to put in his mouth, whether it be food, drink or the dummy” – specially when I do not want to feel something and..to be honest, specially when life is asking me to learn, grow, expand… And I also know the situation when supported in my evolvement, say when I do a retreat or a course and the presenter and the group does hold me, it is more easy to let go of old patterns. So – I ask myself how can I create a space at home and everywhere, where I do feel held and supported? One thing that does comes into mind are true relationships. A true relationship with me, what means to me to be honest and non-judgmental. When I care for me every day and hold myself in love it is more easy to let go of presumed ‘safety’ attitudes. But also my relationships with others are important. To embrace that we are here to evolve together and so our purpose with each other is not to be ‘nice’ but ‘evolving’ supportive is a good start. And not to forget: that I am also always in the position to care for others by supporting evolvement while I bring understanding for the ‘safety patterns’ and why they are used as well. How would the world be if we would hold us – ourselves as well as others – in the love and the authority/power we are?
Great lesson in not imposing on people where ever they are at and letting them get to a place of wanting to let go of something. Always there to support and by being steady and consistent they get to feel what is true.
Yes the steady support instead of the well-intended push is so vital. When we get to the natural realisation that we are inherently okay and have no need for the external crutch we are holding onto, and can sense that it could be freer without it, which brings us to the point of being ready to let go. In my experience any form of push from others or even from myself has only resulted in me replacing the current ‘dummy’ with another more sophisticated one!
I have realized that when my child acts up it is usually an episode where he feels something is off, but instead of expressing that he wants truth, true love or to take responsibility and that as a parent or elder I am depriving him of this, he reacts. When I read deeper, sometimes acting up is a call for me to take more responsibility as a parent, without the ideals of being a parent.
That moment of letting go a ‘prop’ in life is so very liberating not matter what age – one certainly feels like giggling about it!
This is testament to the fact that when we are actually ready to ‘move on’, in the sense of grow and take on more responsibility, then it is far more easier than we think. Yes there might be that initial hissy fit as we shed the old way of being, but when we embrace the new, and it is a true step for us, then the going can be smooth. Anne, thank you for such a simple and endearing post, one that reminds us so lovingly that it is ok to have a cry, that it is ok to have change, that it is so beautiful to embrace growth and to let go of old things and move on with the flow. After all this is life!
There is the expression ‘throwing the dummy out of the pram’. This blog highlights this perfectly and shows us that we can all do this metaphorically with anything when we do not get our own way. A great exposure of human behaviour
What a great reflection you got from your grandson Anne with a before and after change. This is a learning for us all, how we can get caught in something that appears to be what we need, but actually is stopping us from changing and growing. It continues long after the dummy has been discarded.
Thank you Anne. I loved reading about the way your whole family supported your grandson to let go of his addiction to the dummy. I especially love the bit where you share that he was held and supported when he went to bed. I could feel there was no pandering in this, just a genuine and loving support to let go of what did not serve him or the family. If we brought this tenderness and understanding to each other as adults it would be amazing.
I love reading this.. The fact that he giggled when he said ‘dad threw it in the bin’ just shows how aware we are of the games we play.
What a great reminder of how we can get so emotionally attached to things that are actually just keeping us attached to being in the drama of an emotion! Its a bit like the saying ‘Just grab the nettle and it won’t sting you’ – not that this is recommended! So long as we tiptoe around situations trying not to disturb them they will continue to be a disturbance on some level. By simply saying no to something that is not true, there may be a disturbance initially, but then there is a new level of understanding, acceptance and a realisation that what was ‘needed’ before is no longer needed.
Parenting from true connection allows kids to feel empowered and make responsible choices, even if that choice is so simple as letting go of a dummy! It is connection that children really value not instructions or “do it this way to grow up like me “
Reading this has me wondering how early our addictions to objects and food kicks in; these things we do as adults may have manifested into something else but who knows it may have all started with thumb sucking or hanging onto a blanket.
It’s true that anything can be used as a distraction and can become addictive, and many young kids might go from a dummy to sucking their thumb and this has the same effect of keeping them occupied throughout the day but not really engaging in what’s going on/interacting as they’ve put a plug on their voice and expression.
Absolutely Anne, what I hear in this is how we fight tooth and nail to protect certain things we seem to believe are vital for us to survive, but that keep us numb in some way. Yet when they are taken away we actually bloom, blossom and our body moves on. It harbours no pangs of regret just feels relief that at last it can live addiction free.
Its true Anne, we want to protect children and as you say “helicopter” parent, but in doing so we slow down the process by which children can learn and develop their own wisdom. To allow children to feel their choices and the consequences is probably the most loving thing we can do.
It is beautiful to feel the calmness and support that is available when boundaries and limits are presented in such a loving way.
This is a very powerful message for us all: “…getting rid of it has created an enormous sense of spaciousness and ease in his body.” How many ‘dummies’ are we each clinging to and toying with, that are actually holding us back from all that we can be… and might it actually be ‘so hard’ if we let go of that which we already know is not serving us… Lots to ponder, thank-you.
Very much appreciate this honest ‘telling’ of the story Anne. ‘Helicopter parenting’ is a term I’ve not heard before, but one that describes much of what I’ve witnessed… One cannot but respect the strength of this little one, letting go of his dummies even when there were those close to him who supported his dependency. And how awesome it is that we can all learn just so much from each other in being together, and continuously so.
Just imagine if this same child was pandered to in order to stop the crying – whether this was to fit the image of a ‘good’ parent and a ‘happy’ family, or simply in order to avoid the personal discomfort of someone crying in front of you. What an invaluable opportunity for learning about consequences and growth would have been missed.
Also imagine if the dummies were removed as they were, how traumatic it could have been without such level of love, understanding and holding which provided the space and support for the child to settle and unravel the learning his life was offering him. This article offers powerful insights.
Loved reading this again Anne, such a gorgeous example of the way we can let things go when we are ready without fuss or fanfare… no matter our age or stage of life.
Consequences from choices is such an important thing to learn for a foundation for life as this brings responsibility with each and every choice made.
‘He had just let it go’. Beautifully learning and reflection for us all that we can just let go of our crutches whatever they may be, and that all the support will be in place because we are ready to move on and evolve.
Amazing how your grandson went from being totally obsessed with dummies to being totally happy without them. It just shows how easy it actually is to let go of things that we think we need.
Yes Rebecca, this is such a gorgeous exposure of how mad our attachments are!
I agree Rebecca – how we can often get so fixated on issues and feel we can’t let them go, and yet children let things go and move on so quickly and freely, not identified by them
Very true Rebecca. Some children let go very easily. I have also seen how children can hold onto an incident that happened years ago. So this also reminded me of how our issues can be much older and more ingrained. Seeing this pattern in a young child inspired me to be willing to let go of the identity that holding on to issues can bring.
Thanks, Anne…lesson learned. This is a great example of how we cannot impose any expectations on how another will respond, because they will forever have the God given right to free will, and can make a different choice at any moment, to perpetuate the unsettlement in their body or to align back to their soul.
This is a great blog for mum’s struggling with children that don’t want to let go of their dummies. I feel that when we really mean something and don’t go into any attachment of how the child will behave, children can feel this. If parents show any sympathy or empathy towards the child loosing the dummy then there is an opening that a child can use to control the outcome.
“children are amazing”. Yes – and we are all children, we are all learning, we are all full of joy and spontaneity and truth and transparency. We are all amazing.
It is interesting how we can stubbornly hold onto our dummies, probably even more so as adults than as children and it often takes someone to give us a nudge to let it go. When someone is able to hold us with love and give us the space to sort ourselves out it is very achievable though.
I agree Judith – replace the word Dummy with any of the other numbing, comfortable behaviours we hold on to in our lives, from what we eat and drink, watch and listen to, do and say that we know don’t help us but which we refuse to relinquish
Children are amazing, as much as we are as an adult. To appreciate and to see that we are all equal, if we are a child or an adult, we all have the experience of many lives before this one. The only difference is that if you are an adult you have a little more experience in how to live life in the current time, but that is nothing compared to all the wisdom that we all naturally hold within.
I think it is not only your grandson that was addicted to his dummy. I notice a lot of adults also want to have something in their mouth all the time and I see some people who have to constantly chew gum. I too have observed and experienced such cravings at times and then feel a freedom when I don’t accede to them.
We all have ‘dummies’ we hold onto as much as we can exactly knowing that they keep us from going forward in the sense of living what we are actually asked to be and live although they are our demise. Holding onto what we are not, comes at a high price we seem being willing to pay for as long as possible in the attempt to delay taking responsibility to be who we are. Nevertheless there is also a part of us that likes to get rid of the ‘dummy’ and when we are ready we let go. I hindsight we then often can see how ridiculous it was to hold onto the dummy, but that is only because then we are free from the reason we chose it in the first place.
“Fourthly, children are amazing, and we can learn so much from them. Their so-called bad behaviours are often their way of communicating to us what is not true, and offer us a way of bringing them – and ourselves – back to truth. ” absolutely its about allowing the children to express openly, reflecting to them a truer and loving way of living.
I love how you and your family, Anne, are open to feeling the real communication from your grandson, rather than the usual reaction and shutting down of unwanted behaviour – I can certainly put my hand up to having done this countless times, missing out on what was there to be aware of.
It’s a bit random this but bear with me. There are very few people would do a wee in the bath if there was someone else in it with them. Perhaps a few more people would do a wee in a swimming pool. But almost all of us would happily wee in the sea. Why I come up with this random analogy is that I sense that there is a limit to the breadth of our responsibility – we are only prepared to be responsible for our small circle; the bath..or the pool. But when it gets bigger, the sea, then we are perfectly happy to act irresponsibly. Apologies for the graphic analogy – but it kinda makes sense to me!
Applied relativity theory for responsibility – we make us the world what we want it to be by interrelating the things in such way that suits the level of responsibility we are willing to live.
Which is why I thought I was a pretty responsible guy until I met Serge Benhayon and begun to understand how much I had manipulated my life so that I only saw what I wanted to see and thus within that space thought that I was, in theory, acting responsibly. Or to revert back to my analogy (sorry!) because I wasn’t weeing in the pool, I thought I was being responsible.
what is so beautiful is how ready your grandson was to just let go of that which was holding him back, and take the next steps…and that his father was wise enough to support him in this…
Children have such a simplicity, they way they can just let go and move on is such a great reflection for adults who may have forgotten the ease and grace life can be.
I have not heard the term ‘helicopter parenting’ before now but I can certainly see how this applies in today’s society but not only to the way we are with children but also in a wider regard. Allowing people to make mistakes is far more loving and caring than trying to always keep them on the straight and narrow. In my experience I have seen people trying to avoid other experiencing the consequences of their choices which in unhealthy for both parties and no one is truly learning. Presenting an alternative; a true reflection to inspire another however is very powerful and empowers each person to learn and make their own choices and mistakes if necessary.
It appears the dummy has been used to discipline the child, but the revelation in this piece was the expression of love where the child’s father was disciplined enough to follow through with placing the dummy in the bin.
Children are so much wiser than we as a society treat them – they know what’s up!
What a cool story! Instantly made me see a bunch of stuff I’m dependant on…. Pretty exposing! Amazing for your grandson though – massive shining light clearly 🌟
Indeed, it is not the substances or the dummy in this case that we’re addicted to. We are addicted to the relief it brings.
Thank you Ann for reminding us all of how important it is to truly read life and each other constantly.
I love this blog. As a parent myself it can be all to easy to discipline a child when they ‘act up’ dealing with the child’s behaviour but what if there is something else going on and that the behaviour is the child’s way of communicating a message or messages with us. My husband and I noticed recently that one of our children was not themselves. Instead of ignoring it like I would have done in the past I decided to ask him what was going on for him to behave in that way. He told me instantly about something that was going on with a friend at school. As he shared with me I could see the tension leave his body and he felt a different boy. Thank you Anne for sharing as there is much in this blog to support us whether we are around children or not.
A young person taking responsibility, how awesome! True parenting, true relationship.
What a ‘letting go’ that was Anne! Well done for grandfather to have stuck with his word and to carried through – this so effectively and lovingly cuts blackmailing from kids (and adults!) Just a powerful lesson for all and a total inspiration for many other parents, ‘aunts’ and grandparents!
I loved coming back to your blog again today Anne, a timely and gentle reminder to observe how many “bits of brightly coloured plastic” I am still holding onto that I am using to hold me back from being all that I truly am. I am sure there are many that are well past their used by date and weighing me down.
You’ve offered something really profound here Anne – that a child’s ‘so-called bad behaviours are often their way of communicating to us what is not true, and offer us a way of bringing them – and ourselves – back to truth.’ This calls for many a parental reappraisal of the true meaning of reaction, tantrum and distress and our role as parents in supporting a child through what could well be an evolutionary moment for them. Very powerful.
Love this, what an amazing blog. Our addictions can get us caught up, but when we choose to let it go it isnt there anymore, freeing up all the space that we used to spend with distracting ourself, seeing that it was time to move on.
Great article and great insights. As a parent I have so often not wanted my child to be upset. More and more I’m learning that this does not serve anyone nor does it prepare a child for the world or offer evolution. Sympathy is a killer with parenting.
The love, and commitment to love with which you held and put your grandson to bed, allowed him to sleep and let go of what he knew was not equal to that love.
I am 37 years older than your grandson and use certain foods just like his dummy.
I love how this little boy deep down knew that the time was up for his dummy, and from what you describe, his way of signalling this was to repeatedly keep throwing it on the floor. There is so much for us all to learn by this simple reflection.
“And knowing that we are dependent on it creates a contraction, and a sense of unease in us, for if we depend on it, what on earth are we going to do without it?” When you put it like this Anne, no wonder your grandson was so willing to be free of this ball and chain. I have heard similar stories of children loosing their treasured teddies, (cuddly friends that we as adults have convinced ourslelves they cannot sleep without) and yet bingo the child sleeps and the attachment is gone – pouff – you are right Anne there is so much we can learn from children.
These are wise words, Anne ..’Anything that we use for relief, to numb ourselves, to not feel, to distract ourselves from what we cannot but feel, can become a crutch that we depend on.’ I know how I use food in this way as a distraction and can raise my awareness of this in the future. We can read about your grandson but we can still be repeating some of those habits in the same way throughout our lives.
A great lesson in that if we do not push, try and change another but instead just be, this love then is reflected to another giving them the space to make more loving choices for themselves naturally so. A great reminder.
I love your description of ‘helicopter’ parenting. Someone once asked me what was more loving – to hand a comb to a three year old child so that they can learn to comb their hair, or to comb their hair for them. When we parent from a need in ourselves to be needed, we are so much more likely to be a helicopter parent – I certainly was when my children were young and it is so lovely to read your blog Anne and feel the love you all held your grandson in as he felt the consequences of his actions. So inspiring.
We hold the belief that we have grown up into adults and are beyond the behaviour of babies and children and then I realised that a bag of nuts eaten in a certain way each day is exactly the same as that dummy.
Yes indeed… We can become addicted and dependent on so many things… And yet always within us is absolutely everything that we need …this certainly is something that we need to read and hear again and again until we become completely internally self-sufficient.
I love reading this blog. It’s amazing how in one moment we can think how are we ever going to get through this dependency on whatever it is and then we have a moment when we realise we do not need whatever it is again. I have been so inspired by so many people who were heavily into something or other -smoking, drinking, TV, food etc. and have let go of it when it seemed like they were completely ruled by their choice of dummy. We choose the dummy and can choose to let go of it also.
Do our little ones express for us because they feel what is needed? Do we place on our little ones the need that we are not checking in deeper with? There is so much here to be pondered and celebrated. Honesty and responsibility are two words that come to me as I ponder what is offered here. Thank you Anne.
‘we can use anything in an addictive way,….. for relief, to numb ourselves, to not feel, to distract ourselves’ A great reminder Anne to be in conscious presence and not in ‘habits’.
I have reflected on you blog since reading it a couple of days ago and it has really helped me to see the un serving habits I still hold onto, noticing this is the first step to saying no to them in my life.
I love re-reading this blog – it is a great reminder of how easy it can actually be to just let go and move onto the next phase of growth in life. After all it is what we crave more than anything else. When our dummy (or our crutch) gets taken away then we spit the dummy…but then we learn and grow. Hence it is very symbolic for us all, whether we are children or adults!
I agree Henrietta, the symbolism of the dummy and letting go is something for all of us to look closely at.
Thanks, Anne. This goes to show that we cannot identify with our behaviours because they are not who we are, and they can therefore be relinquished at any time once a choice to adhere to our true nature is made.
“And knowing that we are dependent on it creates a contraction, and a sense of unease in us, for if we depend on it, what on earth are we going to do without it?” – yes, attachment does create less space/spaciousness; detachment the opposite and without the pulls, there is expanse.
Really gorgeous story about your grandson Anne! And it’s so true what you’ve shared, ‘love is not always what we think it is’, with the emphasis on the word ‘think’ because when we try to be loving based on what we think it is to be loving, so an ideal, image or expectation, then we often miss the boat in terms of where the other person is at and what is truly a caring thing to do for them.
What is one of the most important things we do, that doesn’t come with instructions ?… parenting. We have always just repeated, the way we were raised and tried to improve it. Why don’t we treat the child the same way as if we rent a room in our house to someone? We offer them the space to be who they are naturally. Allow them to learn how to function within the family and what the limits and boundaries are.
This is so true Anne, we are never know when someone is ready to let go of and evolve to the next level. If we have an openness with others in every interaction and hold them in love, there is the space and opportunity to heal.
If we start to see our everyday as you do here Anne, we would surely start to understand every moment is there for us all to learn and that keeping growth and education as the specific remit of degrees, schools and universities is simply a way to keep us all as dummies. For we are given everything we need in divine timing.
What a great lesson for this young man. So often parents make ‘threats’ about something if a behaviour continues, only to buckle when the child has a tantrum, bats their baby blues or some other behaviour that they know will get them their own way. He has learnt that their are consequences for certain behaviours whilst being held in absolute love and grace in the process.
Thank-you Anne, for sharing the reflection that this simple act of discarding a dummy offered and your reading about being able to let go of those things that no longer support and in fact are holding back our expression in whatever manner we choose to express. And I agree children are amazing and we can learn so much from them and through not suppressing their naturally open way of being.
Such a simple action and intent has brought so much awareness to your family and now the broader community. Thank you for sharing Anne.
“He had just let go”. Only 5 words, but to me these words contain enormous power and wisdom. Today I realised how often I choose to not let go of an emotion. Or that I’m feeding the emotion(s) by my own thoughts. Suddenly I saw that I could change this by simply choosing so. I do have the power to change so. I do. For a long time I was convinced that I wasn’t allowed to live so simple. I will have to choose it over and over again until I break this pattern of choosing heaviness or seriousness, but one thing is clear. I am the one choosing.
‘Firstly, love is not always what we think it is’ – this is something I work with every moment of everyday. I am exposing the beliefs and ideals I carry around what love is and the way we have been brought up to believe that the ‘level’ of love we bring to others constantly adjusts depending on their relationship with us e.g. partner, family, friend, neighbour, stranger etc. There is much to be renounced around the falsity or the illusion of love. To hold a loving relationship with self is our responsibility. Thank you Ann.
This blog gives a whole new dimension to the phrase ‘spitting the dummy’ – and all done in such good humour!
I have heard of similar incidents where children have responded surprisingly to ‘giving up the dummy’. Is it possible that the child already knew the dummy was a ‘stopper’ for expression? Confirms that we know what is true and what is not in every moment. Whether we take responsibility or not is the question.
As a ex-dummy spitter I love this article and I can also feel how the loving choices works for everyone.
It is interesting how these things we see as being harmless, like sucking our thumbs or being overly attached to objects can actually stunt our development energetically speaking. This is a great example of what happens when we are freed of an addiction – lots to learn here.
Reading life and especially our children is the greatest gift ever as it allows us to offer a true opportunity to be responsible for their actions and to evolve knowing what true love is, thank you for sharing Anne.
I love the term ’helicopter parenting’ you have described the majority of parenting very succinctly. Parents need to give their kids space to experience life how ever they may need to, to learn what ever they need to.
Mary Louise I agree with what you have shared about ‘parents needing to give their kids the space to experience life how ever they may need to, in order to learn what ever they need to’. The reason why I have found this difficult to do, in the past, is because I have been desperately trying to control and protect how I feel by controlling what my son does. I have only come to realise in recent years that the tight control that I took of my external circumstances was a desperate attempt to control what I was feeling on the inside. The great thing is, that now I am taking more responsibility for how I feel, I am much more able to let things and people be how they naturally are, including allowing my son to feel the natural consequences of his own actions.
“I have only come to realise in recent years that the tight control that I took of my external circumstances was a desperate attempt to control what I was feeling on the inside.” This is so true Alexis, the more disregard i accept for myself the tighter my hold on my external circumstances, using control to fool myself that all is well – it feels as yucky as it sounds.
Lucindag, I have come to realise that the need to control is indicative of the chaos within.
We often see people who are in control and think that they’ve got it all sorted and yet the need to control is actually a sign that we haven’t actually sorted ourselves out, because when we have, letting go, is what naturally follows.
You think they’ve got it all sorted on the exterior but when you get a feel for how they move, you see that control allows no grace or true space.
I love this blog. So many lessons to be learned from this…
Wise words Brendan – words that encourage true parenthood.
It is great to feel how the entire family was naturally involved in the process, not seeing it as indifferent or too insignificant to appreciate the fabulous reflection on offer.
‘It was as if someone had taken the stopper out of a bottle, and the contents were now free to flow.’ This is awesome! He’d been given permission to more of himself and had renounced the need for the comfort the dummy had been offering. Much more empowered to be everything that he is and claiming it!
We often see children with comforter blankets, or favourite cuddly toys and eventually these get dropped. Others suck their thumbs, I used to suck a forefinger curled up. When this is supported and allowed to play out its natural course, the habit often disappears as the child grows older. I must admit though, I stopped sucking my finger but bit my nails for years, enjoyed smoking for ten years then avidly chewed biro tops after I quit. Then I just ate… All that eventually stopped, I am eating more sensibly now, but my mouth is always active as I move my tongue around or suck in my cheeks. so one thing turned into another.
It is quite funny how your grandson had his tantrum until he felt it wasn’t going to change anything and then acceptance came. What game that goes on, and interesting to feel how if he had got his dummies back, that message would have become a pattern with other future incidents that he would have repeated. His father taught him a great lesson here and he accepted it very graciously.
Wow what a beautiful example of what love is and when another person is ready to move on and evolve allowing this is awesome. “Holding another in the love that we are and allowing them to feel that they too are that love.” All from a dummy and the comfort of our behaviour patterns revealed to hold us back.Thank you.
It’s important to remember that children are amazing, and we can learn so much from them. If ‘bad behaviour’ is their way of communicating to us what is not true, it changes the frustration or ‘puzzlement’ into a discovery of a truth they’re communicating to us. Completely turns dealing with a tantrum upside down.
Wow I love this Anne what a great reading for us all, I am sure we can all relate to this by replacing the dummy with some other habit we do for comfort but is not actually evolving us. You and your grandson have shown us clearly the benefits of letting go of what’s no longer needed. Awesome blog.
I have children too and what I have learnt from your blog is that love is actually firm, steady and strong, with not one ounce of sympathy.
‘Sometimes he would walk around with one in each hand’, I am like this with addictions that I have but because what I am addicted to is not perceived as a typical addiction (ie it’s not drugs, alcohol or sex) most would tell me there is ‘nothing wrong with that’ but I can feel how I walk through life holding onto at least two dummies, probably way more, clutching onto them for dear life until the day I make the choice to let them go and move on. I’m inspired by this little 2 year old because he made a choice to step forward and not go back with so much ease, (after an initial protest) as most toddlers would. We have so much to learn from our children and yet we so rarely value the daily lessons they are teaching us.
“Helicopter parenting’ is a new expression to me, but I can so relate to it. It is crazy how we can allow a simple behaviour such as this to continue, even when we can feel the tension it creates not only in the child (or adult) but in all the people around at the time. By actually saying ‘No’ to something that does not support anyone anymore, there is room for so much growth on every level.
I am learning this as a parent, that parenting with love, means that we hold our children, but allow them to feel the consequences of their choices where it is physically safe to do so. So if they purposely stand on a toy and break it, they do not have it replaced. These small moments occur everyday, I know that feeling the consequences of my choices more nowadays is really supporting my responsibility and how committed I am to life.
It is true that it is tempting as a parent to take the easy road and avoid any confrontations with your children and attempt to go for the ‘quiet life’ but in my experience as a parent whilst this may seem like the easy option in the short term, long term it causes far more problems. Teaching your children the science of consequences has got to be one of the greatest gifts you can give to your children in my opinion.
I truly love this blog…there is a real joy behind the writing. “He was so expressive, chatting away clearly and interacting happily. It was as if someone had taken the stopper out of a bottle, and the contents were now free to flow.” How amazing that your grandson was communicating he was ready and willing to let his dummy go and was ready to take the next step, (even if those first few moments were a bit wobbly) ready to be more of himself in his expression and to not hold back.
Anne, this is brilliant, ‘we think it is somehow a loveless thing to let kids feel the consequences of their choices. It is not. That is what love is’, I can feel how common it is that we pander to our children and do not see through consequences, allowing them to feel their choices and behaviour, it is very inspiring to read how firm and loving your family were with your grandson and how supportive and evolving this has been for him and all of you.
“It was as if someone had taken the stopper out of a bottle, and the contents were now free to flow.” Which is exactly what a Dummy is, a stopper and this comment makes me realise that so often dummies are popped into a baby’s mouth to stop it from expressing, usually in an ear piercingly noisy way. No criticism is intended here as often its a necessary last resort, but when we truly stop and clearly identify the purpose of our actions, it can help us to see there may be other ways to address a situation rather than automatically reaching for the stopper.
It is fascinating what a child will play out – perhaps seeing who is paying attention, how far they can push it – even if they don’t really want it they are hooked on the game.
I love, that you love, that life is a cycle, how everything comes around, how we are all in this together, and how we are all growing and evolving, back to the oneness we are from. I just wish the majority of us would cotton on to this fact so we are still not here doing this in another 2700 years or more.
To teach a child the science of consequences is in fact our primary responsibility as a parent.
Beautifully said Ottobathurst.
Allowing children to learn about the consequences of their choices is a 101 concept for evolution and certainly should not be avoided in the name of protecting a child.
So much of what parents might call “protecting their child” is in fact a thin disguise for protecting themselves from their own hurts. If a child starts to take responsibility for its choices, then so to does the parent have to – which can be an ouch!
And what a great way to also learn this science for ourselves.
What you have shared here Otto is really important and makes me reflect and ask do we currently even teach children the science of consequences? I would say no, definitely not, not with the love, truth and awareness we could be teaching them with. And why not? Possibly because we do not live this ourselves? There is something to ponder on here.
If ‘consequences’ are taught as a way of controlling behaviour then they are never learnt (trust me – I’m speaking from zillions of experience!). But if we can teach consequences as a natural and scientific effect of our choices, then we are empowering our children to understand their responsibility. This is true education.
I have never heard of the expression ‘helicopter parenting”. Oh my goodness – that is certainly how I used to parent. But over the years have learnt so much from; my kinds, myself, and from the immense support of Universal Medicine that now I parent in a very different way. Still learning every second, as it will always be – but can absolutely testify to the power and purpose of allowing children the space to feel the consequences of their own choices and to being open to the gargantuan differences between my ideals and expectations as opposed to what may be true at that time.
I agree Otto- Universal Medicine and how Serge Benhayon presents on parenting from his own lived experience is life changing. Even for me, not having kids of my own, it has changed the way I parent children in my community and the fact that I am indeed a parent and have the same responsibilities when around children.
What a great story. Love the image of boy and granny sitting by the window watching the rubbish truck take away old habits – there’s a story book in there.
Wow that was such a wonderful story Anne. Your sharing is so much needed for all parents around the world as it made it clear that love is something what holds you and did not pander – that is something most of the parents are mixing this up these days.
I love that you immediately put into action what you said you would if he threw the dummy on the ground again. Many parents threaten the child then do not follow through and the child learns that he can get away with his behaviors. It does not support the child or the parent.
Yes, I agree Mary-Louise, this seems like the most important part of parenting, to be consistent in what we say and do.
Your blog Anne, made me wonder why kids get addicted to dummies and how much the attitude of parents contributes to this. Sometimes a dummy is pushed into a child’s mouth to shut it up, sometimes it is the parents’ idea of comfort for the child to have something to suck on that mimicks a nipple. Perhaps this kind of soothing may be warranted on some occasions but then it becomes a habit which is reinforced by the parents as it makes life easier for them to quell the expression of the child. How lovely that your grandson was ready to let it go and that “It was as if someone had taken the stopper out of a bottle, and the contents were now free to flow.”
‘Helicopter’ parenting is a very apt phrase which describes many parents I know and the children can grow up being quite demanding and manipulative and certainly not used to taking responsibility for the choices they make. This kind of parenting is often based on a form of sympathy which is actually very disempowering for the child. Real love may sometimes seem tough to parents but children feel held and guided and respond beautifully to such firm love, as did your grandson, Anne.
wowsers – a simple case of short term dis-comfort for long term gain.
I like that Adam, short term discomfort for long term gain, I know I want the long term gain so why do I continue to insist upon sticking with comfort and avoiding the pot of gold the other side? Something for me to sit with today as I lovingly treat myself like a toddler, with gentle encouragement rather than self bashing.
Trying to prevent someone from feeling the consequences of their choices, their loveless choices is prevalent in society and I can feel this in my relationship with close family. But my wanting to make things better, my sympathy when I see them suffering the consequences of their ill choices, conveniently forgets they created this for themselves. Feeling consequences is a loving lesson that with intervention they may never learn ill choices hurt. My need to make things better? Is my need to carry on being reckless and not have suffering reflected back to me. The more I choose to be responsible, the more I feel how loving being responsible is.
To see and feel a child let go and move on from a pattern like this, shows us that within an adult, that they too have the capacity to do the same – to let go that easily – It could be that simple. Like a child, the support of others around an adult is important in this letting go process.
Yes johannebrown! Could this be the reason why so many adults stay in set patterns for years due to the lack of support that is often provided for our young but ignored as we get older?
Isn’t it amazing how we actually know we can have it all but to get it all we must be responsible with the all.
When we don’t allow people to feel the consequences of their choices (at any age) we are enabling their pattern of behaviour to continue.
I love revisiting your blog, Anne. This morning I am so appreciating your definition of love ‘Holding another in the love that we are and allowing them to feel that they too are that love’ …. so beautiful, allowing a tender pull inviting the person to connect with the love that they are and to let go of what they are not, but may be choosing to be in, in that moment.
It’s beautiful how after the initial reaction to not having a dummy anymore that your grandson then just let it go! I’m sure he felt supported by you all not reacting to his reaction but being loving, holding firm and not judging or being worried about how he would cope.
He obviously was ready to relinquish the dummy but the habit was their to break, with loving support from all the family members he got through, truly healing the comforting addiction and blossoming in the process. Many lessons to be learnt here Anne for us all, thank you for sharing the choice your grandchild offered us all, comfort and pacifier or tension and healing.
There is such a sense of strength between father and grandfather as they supported their grandson to let go and move on, there was a knowing that in that moment getting rid of the dummy was the most loving thing to do.
I have tried helicopter parenting, I have tried the giving my daughter the screen and letting it be the baby sitter but none of that works… in fact it has bitten me in the backside and now I am dealing with the consequences of those choices. Parenting is an interesting journey with so much to learn from.
I love what you say here Anne…’ Firstly, love is not always what we think it is. In these days of ‘helicopter’ parenting (parents who hover over their kids, attending to their every whim and desire), we think it is somehow a loveless thing to let kids feel the consequences of their choices. It is not. That is what love is. Holding another in the love that we are and allowing them to feel that they too are that love.’ One day the whole world will understand this. When we as parents stop mollycoddling and protecting our children in this neurotic manner (not talking about sensible care here) which is really only about protecting their own hurts, then the world will be a lot healthier place for us all to inhabit. To let someone feel the consequences of an action is true love.
What this highlights for me is that there are eternal possibilities to move on and surpass even our own expectations, once we are ready to let go of old patterns and coping mechanisms that no longer serve us. And children in particular show us how easy this can be…thanks for sharing this wonderful story, Anne.
Anne, such a beautiful sharing and learning for us all, and amazing to feel how the firmness that is love can be felt and even when there’s a reaction it gives a space for another to step into something different in the way your grandson did. This is so inspiring and children are amazing, they just let go and move on. And now I’m wondering what dummy’s I’m still holding onto which need to go – I will find out I reckon!
I love reading stories about parenting, it is such an inexact science and I can see and feel how individual it can be. I had never thought about children in such a scenario in regards to how they may be ready for their next step and actually just don’t know how to make it and need support to grow out of a way of living. I loved your insights Anne.
“He was put to bed, comforted and held, and the screaming went on for a while longer, until he finally fell asleep. We thought we were in for a wild night, but once he fell asleep, he slept soundly, and woke in the morning, shining and bright” – amazing how restitution through rest, sleep, can allow the body to come back to its ease : )
“we think it is somehow a loveless thing to let kids feel the consequences of their choices. It is not. That is what love is.”
Could it be that the reason we’re actually choosing to not let our children feel the consequences of their behavior is because we’re actually desperate ourselves to be liked. So we do anything and everything to satisfy our children and give them all they ask for. Yet, is this what they really need? Or want? Could it be that they’re actually asking of us to teach them love. Show them boundaries. Just like the little boy from this story, children often ask for something completely different than what is playing out on the surface. Thank you for sharing this great lessons with us.
This is a beautiful reflection of how we can let go of those things that we feel we must have when the situation arises – it surely prompts the question of what I have in my own life which I hold as an attachment like this.
We have to be so careful to not make a judgement over another, as we may only ever be seeing a small window or snippet of the whole picture…If someone else were watching and say they only saw the dummy being put in the bin and the child crying, they might label that as abusive or mean by the parent. But when you see the bigger picture of the consequences and the warning before hand (if you do it again, we will throw the dummy in the bin), and how he was held when he cried, and how he was fine at night and in the morning, we see it can only have been a loving thing to do. And then looking at the even grander picture of the fact that he was ready for this growth and just was not so sure how to go about it…he needed that nudge and when he got the nudge he was able to let go, he blossomed and ‘grew’ almost over night. What a blessing to all. But it also shows how we can be caught up in our own thoughts of judgement or not even realising the growth someone else is so ready for and that we might be playing a part in holding them back….Much to ponder on in our own relationships with our own children but also with partners and other relationships.
“we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.” – Had you all kept encouraging the use of the dummy, then essentially it would be like asking your grandson to not evolve and grow! Wow this is amazing to read and feel! How beautiful to allow ourselves to be freed in this way of looking at love!
“we think it is somehow a loveless thing to let kids feel the consequences of their choices. It is not. That is what love is.” Well said Anne. And to feel these consequences without any judgement from yourself of others is the love as well. It is simple equation – you do something, this is what happens and then you have to feel that. I ate too much cake the other day, and the next day I felt ill. For the first time in a long time, I did not ‘beat myself up’ or give myself a hard time, I simply went, this is what happens when you eat something that is not right for you body, it changes your body’s system as it has to work differently to process it and I really felt how it felt in my body. No right or wrong, just felt it. It was pretty cool. From this point, I can make by next decision, always one with consequences.
I spoke to a parent yesterday. He said that it is much easier to be loving and firm with a child that is not your own as your own children know you backwards and how to get around you. I don’t know how beneficial it is for children to be able to get away with being checked out or similar behaviours.
Anne this a gorgeous blog to read – the ‘knowing’ that children have naturally has much to offer adults for their learning. How lovely that the dummy was finally let go of so clearly and the burden gone from this child’s body with throwing it away for good.
We think it is somehow a loveless thing to let kids feel the consequences of their choices. It is not. That is what love is.’ We think we are protecting our children but the more they can learn about the consequences of their actions, the better prepared they are for adult life.
Yes, otherwise it becomes too tempting to learn how to get away with things more and more.
Wow. The simplicity and honouring in this family scenario has blown me away. It is gorgeous, very inspiring and as you have shared, Anne, there are many lessons in it. Thank you.
My God this is so inspiring and I loved to read it. Actually it is so simple. Kids can let go so easily. Wow will definitely re-read – I love the lightness and deep wisdom in this blog and thank you so much for sharing this with all of us.
Giving our kids space to grow up, take responsibility and learn lessons in life can be one of the hardest things to do as a parent. Gorgeous example of this happening in a child so young, and how responsive he was when the loving space was held for him to evolve from his dummies.
This is such a gorgeous blog Anne! It is wonderful the way children can just let something go and it is gone . . . a whole history relinquished and onto the next step! They are wonderful role models in many ways.
I was not brought up with a dummy but I often saw kids my age walking around with them in their mouths and was intrigued – was very intrigued with plastic for starters (the amber-coloured plastic apron that was amongst all the other calico aprons at my pre-school was the most tantalising article of clothing I had ever seen and I wanted to wear it badly). Anyway one day I saved up and bought a dummy at the local corner store saying it was for my favourite teddy bear. Then I went and sat under the house and tried it out myself. It was fun for a very short while and then it got put into the toy box never to be sucked again. What I actually couldn’t give up was sleeping with my teddy bear. I only gave it up after the birth of my first chid at the age of 21!
I had not heard the term ‘helicopter parenting’ before, but it captures exactly what I observe, parents hovering around wanting to prevent any fall or accident. This is not to be criticized of course, parents are being loving, but we all learn by our mistakes and sometimes little incidents support us not to repeat something. Your grandson’s learning Anne shows us how flexible children are and sometimes they do not behave as we expect they will.
Kids know exactly what they want and don’t want. It’s as parents that we alter that knowing.
This is a great story about learning to deal with the consequences of our actions. He threw the dummy on the floor so it was put in the bin. He had been told this was going to happen so ultimately he chose it. To deny him of this choice would have kept him in his cycle of need. He is now free of it. Even though he still thought he wanted the dummy he actually didn’t. This has revealed something huge to me in my own life. Thank you.
So rare nowadays that three generations live under one roof in such support and love with each other. Inspirational Anne!
This has got me looking at what it is that I still use as a soother or comforter. It would be totally inappropriate for an adult to walk around with a dummy in their mouth but there are a multitude of ways we engage with to stop our full expression that are totally accepted as normal (and some, positively encouraged!).
I love what you share here Anne about behaviours being a form of communication. In my work I facilitate training on this very subject – working with people who support those with a learning disability or Autism. The heart of the matter is that behaviour always has an underlying communication that can be read and understood if we open ourselves up to perceiving in this way. What a great thing to understand as a parent and to have the wisdom to respond accordingly to the child in communication.
“we can use anything in an addictive way” that is so true, its not what we use but its how we use it. Very wise words and what a great reflection from your grandson.
As a parent I understand that anxiety that comes when our children have to let go of behaviours they use for comfort as I have experienced it myself. But where does this anxiety come from? Does it come because we know there is going to be a potential confrontation or ill behaviour when we start to deal with it, and we can’t face it? Or, does it come because we are in sympathy with the child and don’t want to rock their boats? A combination of both? What if, as suggested here, we are neither in sympathy or bracing ourselves against possible reaction, but holding the child in the absoluteness that love is? Knowing that the child is far more than the behaviour demonstrated and knowing that as a parent we are here to support our children to claim it, it becomes much easier to lovingly, calmly and gently say ‘no’. Children love boundaries as they feel held and safe, much more so than pandering and indulgence. Once that milestone is reached and they have renounced the behaviour it is a gorgeous thing to witness the growth and expansion as a result!
‘Helicopter parenting’ is a new word for me but it is a great way to explain what parents are doing these days. Many are there at the child’s beck and call and every whim. I have noticed in the supermarkets how parents are so worried about their children crying or playing up, that they give them what ever food or snacks they want just to pacify them. All this does is set a president and they know if they play up they will be given their favourite treat. “Firstly, love is not always what we think it is” …love is not about giving in or allowing bad behaviour to go unheeded, what was shown and so beautifully described Anne was that your grandson was shown that there were consequences to his actions and that once he was over his shock he realised that he no longer needed his dummy and could actually laugh to himself about it without attachment or hurt
Anne, this is brilliant to read, as you say children are amazing, I can feel how true it is that there is a lot of ‘helicopter parenting’ I did this myself – attending to the childs every whim and desire, I can feel how this is not supportive and that children need boundaries and discipline. I now find that bringing in consequences for unloving behaviour from my son works really well and allows him to come back to himself, any tantrums are very short lived nowadays.
Articles like this we need in parenting magazines and books. Simple and practical examples that help us let go of what we think parenting to be and let us understand how clear and straightforward life with children can be.
Awesome to here how the consistency of what the parents said was followed through with and how the consequence of this was felt by the little one. As you say it was like he was asking for it to happen anyway just needed the support to do it.
Yes I agree. Following through and actually doing what we say means we are walking a talk that is clear and recognisable for all those we live alongside.
From this example and from your sharing Anne, its easy to see how holding onto something inhibits our ability to shine and express fully. The love your grandson felt from his family enabled him to let go of what no longer supported him and from what was holding him back. How gorgeous to read that your grandson actually opened and expanded without his dummy.
‘Helicopter’ parents have the greatest of intentions by believing that by their constant attention they are protecting their children from anticipated pain and giving them love that they did not have as a child. However, the protection is an illusion and in reality the reverse occurs as the child is not supported to be self-responsible and is ill-prepared for the realities of life.
“Their so-called bad behaviours are often their way of communicating to us what is not true” Very true Anne, so often its a signal for us to stop and take a closer look at what it is being communicated. Sometimes as in this instance, it was a cry for help from the child that once responded to, brought about an immense healing. Sometimes its a call for us as adults to look at and address our own behaviours. Either way, the child is not being bad but is flagging up that something needs addressing. Our skill and responsibility as adults is in learning how to take a step back so that we can accurately see, read and respond to the situation, not always easy because it can definitely challenge our comfort zones, but absolutely worth it as your grandson has clearly demonstrated.
We all need a little nudge at times to maybe stop using or doing something that no longer serves any purpose no matter what age we are.
Yes we do. Kevmchardy. Yes we do.
Wow I love this Anne! The palpable change in your grandson could so be felt by just reading your his experience. I have seen this countless times with my own children… how I might feel worried about how they may react if something is taken of them or another consequence, and more often than not it’s a great opportunity for them to let go of a vice that does not support them. My go to at the moment would be my phone and before I know it I’ve wasted so much time on it.
Who is the dummy really serving? The child is trying to express something and what do we do to not engage, put a cork it in it! We are good at this with food, drink and the list goes on of the things we do to numb ourselves, by putting something in our mouths… who is the real dummy?
It touches my heart how you as a family held this child in so much love that it would be easy for him to let go of something which stopped him expressing. Wonderfull.
Inspirational it is Jane when we get an example of love at work in parenting. I too know it so well from raising our children, that it is not always that easy to choose that what is right to do if you allow yourself to observe the bigger picture and to understand that it is not about pampering but to support our children in their evolution back to Soul.
The love at work in this blog is so profound. We think it is hard to parent this firm, but in fact it is from a deep communication where we just know what to do in order to help one another to evolve in life.
What a great blog Anne, and there is so much in it for us to ponder on. I remember having a similar situation with our first daughter who was very attached to her dummy. We decided once our third child arrived that we would not set ourselves up and never gave her a dummy.
It is quite something to witness how easily children can let go of things, as this shows up all the attachments we collect as an adult. Witnessing and feeling them so easily let go helps us to remember that spaciousness and ease with life.
What a great story of how important it is for us as adults to show children the way by being truly loving which sometimes requires us to be very firm. The beautiful thing about this example is that hard as it may have seemed initially on the little boy, he knew that he no longer required his dummy. I can remember similar situations with my own children who were very reluctant to give up certain things, but once it had gone it took very little time for them to forget all about it. If we continue to pander to our every whim, whatever that maybe, we would never move on from anything.
Thank you Anne for this delightful blog. Brings back memories of our now teen twin having 5 dummies at least, under his pillow, in mouth and hands and the tantrums when one was missing. I recall one by one the ‘guinea pig’ ate them. But like your story, when the last one went – there was no real fuss – it just was his time to let go. I feel there is something in this for us all, and yes, I have been challenged to ‘let go’ of certain patterns and behaviours, but, what awesome opportunities to embrace a more true way of living and the blessing when I do.
This is a spot on description of what happened in my own family with a couple of little ones who were addicted to the dummy. It is true we don’t always know when they are ready for the next step in their development, often it is trusting our instincts and the subtle clues children give out. They are well adjusted loving children now with the usual ups and downs . I agree having had the experience of living with one of my grandchildren and family how delightful and inspiring and educational if can be as a grandparent.
This can be applied to children of any age, a great blog for all parents to read.
Whilst still pondering on your blog Anne I am inspired by your grandson so easily and calmly letting go of something that does not feel true or serving for him; a very beautiful story, full of wisdom and confirmation.
I love what you have shared in your blog Anne. Today I was particularly taken with your words on the cycles of life; indeed we are all in this together evolving back to the oneness;
“I love that life is a cycle, how everything comes around, how we are all in this together, and how we are all growing and evolving, back to the oneness we are from”.
Your comment about ‘taking a stopper out of a bottle’ is really quite symbolic ….. it got me pondering on how much a dummy is like a stopper as it’s used to pacify children, so soothe them and keep them quiet. When babies start crying, we often reach for the dummy to quieten them down. It’s like saying, ‘I don’t want to listen’. We are, in effect, stopping them from expressing. Then there becomes a reliance on this magical dummy, it’s wanted, but equally, there is still the impulse to express and be heard, which maybe leads to the tantrums and bad behaviour. Very interesting blog, thank you for starting the discussion, Anne.
‘It was as if someone had taken the stopper out of a bottle, and the contents were now free to flow’ … just love this sentence. It’s as if the bad behaviour leading up to the dummy being put in the bin was his way of sharing it was time to part with the dummy, but at the same time, not wanting to ‘let it go’. Once you supported him to let go, he was able to be himself again. The joy-full little man that he is.
“He giggled and said: “Daddy threw it in the bin!,” then went to sleep. No fuss. He had just let it go. I learnt a few lessons from all of this” – me too Anne, how open (and, as a teacher to us) your grandson was to letting it go, to letting things be,… his acceptance inspired me, and its simplicity too.
There seems to be an interesting connection between oral comforts (food, beverages, cigarettes, dummies, and so on) and oral expression. We either abuse the former to put a lid on the latter or we can, as Anne notes with her grandchild, lose the stopper and start expressing in full. No doubt this extends beyond vocal expression to our expression – the way we express – in all aspects of our lives.
It’s great when we literally ‘spit the dummy’ and let go of that which we no longer need. I remember letting go of alcohol and cigarettes very easily when the time came. The comfort aspect of food I’m having a harder time with, but trust I will be fully able to let go of this one day too.
This is a gorgeous tale of attachment, non-attachment, the love needed to support the process and the sheer joy and inspiration on the other side. Children teach us so much.
Not throwing away our children’s dummy has more to do with us than our kids, which makes me really start to wonder why I can’t throw away my son’s X Box?
Another word for a dummy is a pacifier. We, as a race of people are pacifying ourselves constantly. In fact so pacified are we, that our living state is close to stupefaction!
As soon as I read that your grandson repeatedly threw his dummies on the floor this equated directly to he is throwing them in the bin and deep down he does not want them – as you have said children so often are communicating more to us from their own knowing than we wish to realise.
In so many ways, it is easy to just give the dummy, or spit the dummy and give in to our children’s demands but in doing so we are not teaching them anything. They rely on us to show them the way, not give into their way. I am not very good at this, but practising.
Anne I love the wisdom in the insights you have shared here. I was particularly struck by reading about the fact that ‘Love is not always what we think it is, especially when we equate it with protecting people from feeling the consequences of their choices” of their choices and “we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.” Wonderful advice for relating to children and in fact any other relationship.
I just love this part “We thought we were in for a wild night, but once he fell asleep, he slept soundly, and woke in the morning, shining and bright.” This beautifully confirms that we should not hold any pictures and just be open to whatever comes next.
I can think of several ‘dummies’ I am holding onto that I definitely need to just let go and throw them (lovingly) into the bin.
Who would have thought that a simple little thing like a dummy could be the catalyst for such a huge learning! Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us all Anne.
It always blows me away the amount of times I choose to be fooled by what I would call an energetic hook/block. What I mean by this is a moment where I feel a door is locked in front of a situation and I keep bumping into it over and over, like I’m waiting for someone to unlock it at some point it will magically just open for me (the situation will change). Reading this reminded me of such situations, which many I have around my children. What I continuously discover is I am the one with the key and that I could have unlocked the door eons ago but chose to be fooled by believing another held the key to dissolving them. If we felt the power of our own choice at holding many keys we would realise we hold keys of evolution for many around us and would unlock the doors much sooner.
This is so beautiful what you share Anne, knowing when the child is ready to evolve and supporting his evolution by standing firm with love. How amazing it was for him to feel this support and love to just let go and move on.
Thank you for sharing this Anne, inspiring how it all unfolded. And I get what you mean about it actually being loving to let someone feel the consequences of their choices, otherwise how else do we learn?
I love that the boys father followed through on what he said he was going to do and that the child felt very held in having these boundaries, you can feel the level of support that this offered him. There is much said in the unsaid interactions with children- they are masters at observing our actions.
I agree MW, the child felt the confidence of the dad, his action saying to his son’you are awesome, I trust that you don’t need a dummy any more’ . This is so empowering for the little guy.
This blog has invited much pondering on how the ‘things’ we own or have accumulated for ourselves create anxiousness. We become attached to ‘things’ and so when we become dependent on them and the understanding develops that we need them and without them we are anxiousness. Maybe the less we have or the less we use the ‘things’ in our lives to fill a need then the more fullness we actually choose to live. As I ponder this new awareness I feel expanded and so much lighter and the realisation of the fact we are not our ‘things’ and the freer we are of things the more amazing, loving and open our livingness will be.
Interesting when you look at the word ‘evolve’, within the word we have the key, we only need to rearrange the letters, to be able to ‘read’ them to allow the love (ev’olve’) to be seen. How this reflects life and the fact there is always so much more being communicated, that there is actually a language of multidimensionality being expressed in and around us 24/7.
Gorgeous Anne, I too appreciate the education children offer us. Love is not about pandering and young people communicate very clearly. Sometimes we need to see beyond the behaviour and the words and respond to what the subtext is so we can support them to take the next step – they may be asking for support to be able to do it, like throwing away the dummy!
Love this story Anne, amazing how much more we can see, feel and read in a situation when our eyes are open, receiving the messages from each other. This is the way we can truly support each other to evolve.
In the last few months I’m becoming aware of my inner reactions when a child starts crying when I decide something for them. I often contract and take the emotion on board, rather than observing what is happening in front of my eyes. It is very much extremely short term based, rather than allowing them to be emotional and allow myself the space to feel both them and myself. This is a very different way of being. With both myself as well as with them. It is actually amazing to witness, ponder on and develop. I love learning, just like children do.
When someone, no matter what age, is ready to evolve, only love can support them, and sometimes the outplay of that love doesn’t always look how we might expect or want it to.
Also, Anne, your grandson’s beautiful reaction or rather response to the dummy being thrown out is testimony not just to the fact he was ready for it to go, but also testimony to the fact that the parents hold a consistency with how they are with him – they stand by their word and this builds a relationship of trust because you actually know what will happen in each situation. Beautiful!
I can feel how this describes where we might judge another’s behaviour and yet identify them with that behaviour and not allow the spaciousness for them to choose change when they are ready. We can contribute to keeping someone stuck by our opinion and expectations, and this would be based on our own un-dealt with behaviours.
Anne, what an absolutely gorgeous story! I really enjoyed reading about your grandson and how he reacted and responded with the dummy situation…It is so true that in life we are sometimes so ready to grow to the next level but just need a little nudge to get us going. We all can learn from each other, we all can support each other, and when we do that, there is no end to where we can take things.
Children and adults alike may be more willing to grow and evolve than we give them credit for. There might initially be an adjusting phase but that’s ok. This blog shows how we can hold a person in their old patterns in fear of a little discomfort for a short time. I suspect I am also that way with myself regarding my own addictions, no need for that way anymore. Thank you Anne.
Love is not about pandering to every whim but about doing what feels true, saying what is there to be expressed, and it is about appreciating that everyone, regardless of age, is our absolute equal and is offering constant reflections for us to ponder on.
“Love is not always what we think it is.” This is a great point Anne. So often love is associated with pleasing the other person, when in fact, this is a far cry from what true love is. Love offers the space for another the person (or child in this case) to evolve. It can be firm, yet is always beholding.
In this wonderful story I see how easy and ‘normal’ it is to go along with things that keep us smaller than we are in a co-dependent kind of emotional ‘love’ but also how easy it can be to trust that we are more and that we can move forward, let go and open up to the greater people we are.
Anne this is an awesome sharing – I really appreciate you sharing this example and showing how to love someone is to show them the consequences to their actions. As I raise my daughter I can feel the importance of this, and how to be loving is to guide her on what is true or not.
I love how this blog shows that we can learn from anyone at any time, regardless of their age or who they are. All that is required is that we be open to seeing what is before us. This is how the law of reflection works and why it can help us all to evolve if we let it.
Thank you Anne, a very clear example of the power of true parenting and the pure wisdom of our children.
I love this blog – boy oh boy can I relate. So I had a dummy up until about the age of 7 (I know, cringe!) but for me it was the comfort and reassurance that I craved and only the dummy was able to send me to sleep, or ease the anxiousness I felt in my body – being without it was a serious discomfort and although my mum tried to throw them away, she would often give in and so it took many years for me to finally break the cycle myself and learn to sleep without it. But what is more interesting is that a difficulty with sleeping persisted till my late teens, because the underlying root cause, the anxiousness, tension and feeling unsafe was never healed. When we look at behaviours as more than simply a physical thing, but a secondary outplay of something else that is occurring, we can deal with the root cause first and the physical will heal itself.
I find it interesting how the dummy represents so much more than just mere plastic. It has an energetic value to it that the child was attached to and hence the letting go was not the letting go of the dummy but more so a way of being or an energy which was no longer true in his way of living.
So true Joshua, the dummy is not just a thing but an object standing in for ‘the-real-thing’ (I would call it ‘feeling Love’) which the child feels is missing… I see the child’s act of letting go of it as a choice not to settle for less; a choice to make room for him to find and feel the ‘real thing’…
In the U.S. we call it a ‘pacifier’ which is pretty literal for what it does though ‘dummy’ is good too as it literally means ‘not the real thing’. I find it interesting that so many of us so readily accept substitutes (‘less than the real thing’) from a child’s ‘dummy’ to desert, alcohol, hobbies, sports or drugs in place of feeling the full richness of True Love that we are meant to feel and know all of the time.
And the reason we as a society have come up with the dummy or to some the pacifier is an area to explore. Do we not want to hear the child? Are we shutting their expression down with a dummy? Do we feel uncomfortable hearing the sounds a little one can make? Are we under an ideal as parents that all needs to be pacified ? And are we sending the message that it’s not ok to cry so early on? The whole reason behind the dummy and its use is an area that offers much for discussion.
I remember as a child always being patted and cuddled when upset but it was often accompanied with ‘Sh Sh Sh ‘ sending the message that being upset was not ok even though it at times is necessary and a part of life.
Letting our children express and share they feelings, emotions etc is important for their expression – this does not mean to say indulge in them but definitely allowing children to feel heard is extremely important.
Anne, it is great to feel the humbleness in which you have opened up to understanding what your grandson has reflected to you – i.e. you acknowledge this young boy’s equal and natural ability to reflect the truth of life.
I love how easily children let things go, there may be a small initial jarring but then it’s gone, and as you so brilliantly put, their body is actually more free and spacious. Why does it take us so long as adults to let stuff go, when we were clearly all masters at it as young children?
Wow! So much in this article to digest Anne, I am looking forward to rereading it in more depth.
What a beautiful blog. Being true to your word has many, many benefits. Sometimes a short term cost but being consistent, trustworthy and reliable has enormous value.
We are expressing all the time whether we are adults or children and the gifts are many when we read our children with love and truth and give them opportunities to evolve as your family have shown us, Anne.
We all hold our breath. Is the world going to collapse if the favourite object of a toddler goes? We all went through this. The truth is that it never does. The world does not come to an end. What comes to an end is the way we used to face a situation. We have to find new ways and face new situations until this which works today ceases to work. Life engages with us pretty soon and never leaves us alone.
Brilliantly described and very true Eduardo.
Love your blog Anne and with the support of steady love your grandson just let his dummy go with ease and acceptance and simply blossomed from it.
Over recent years I have dropped a few addictions and identified a few more. Letting addictions go is liberating and joyful, it is like you are being freed from a shackle or burden that has been holding you back for (in my case) years.
Totally agree Fiona, when I finally stopped drinking alcohol it was like getting out of prison, I was free to be me without the shackles of the bottle. It was tough at first, but just being around lots of drinking over the Christmas period I was so joyous I wasn’t still part of it.
It is easy for parents to attach themselves to the ‘convenience of’ be it a dummy or something else that we stand in the way of our children’s natural development. Children know their next point of evolution in just the same way we do, our role is not to stand in their way but to support them with their next steps.
What a great story. We can all learn something valuable from this. We can effectively set ourselves free!
I love how as a parent when you can hold firm with what you know to be true no matter how much our children appear to be “kicking off” it serves them far more than we can know…
Truly inspired Anne, to go watch the rubbish truck – and the fascination that holds in itself, but also bringing a real end, a full renunciation of that final dummy!
“we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.” And we never know why or what preceded what led a person to where they are today. Making assumptions or believing or thinking we know where a person is often comes back to bite us in the bum. Opening up to being willing to understand I have found to help so much, otherwise I am blind to what is before me and what the actual lessons of life are.
Great to feel your appreciation of living with your grandson – children are amazing teachers when we are open to what they are communicating. Having the willingness to look behind the apparent bad behaviour presents amazing lessons for all. We are all here to evolve and supporting each other in this is key.
Absolutely. And how cool is it that they all live together? – that is a blog in itself.
Do not some of the best gifts come in small packages!
‘we think it is somehow a loveless thing to let kids feel the consequences of their choices’ …. I wonder if there is an element of us wanting to make our lives ‘easier’ in there too? It can be confronting to allow someone to deal with the consequences of their choices, we get the backlash from their unwillingness to take responsibility. However, it’s actually such an important and very loving lesson to be teaching. If we are not taking responsibility for all of our choices in life, we are not living in the fullness of who we are, we are selling ourselves short and everyone else.
Thank you for sharing how, with the support of his family, your grandson was able to let go of his dummy so easily when he chose to, this demonstrates so clearly the steadiness that is needed for true parenting, it is never about pandering or being harsh but reading situations and enforcing consequences without judgement for behaviour that is inappropriate. This is also true of people at any age and the role of a supportive friend includes to lovingly expose behaviour that is getting in the way of evolution. For me I am still aware of a need to be liked and not rock the boat and that I could be a more loving friend in many situations.
This is a great example how simple life/parenting can be and how we have become used to making everything complicated and weaving life into a big story.
Anne thanks for sharing there is so much in this we can take away for our own lives, as you say you never know when someone is ready to go to the next level, to grow and evolve and perhaps we inadvertently hold people back thinking we are protecting and loving them.
‘Their so-called bad behaviours are often their way of communicating to us what is not true, and offer us a way of bringing them – and ourselves – back to truth.’ This can be true of adults too, and reminds us not to judge but allow understanding as we hold the other in love.
‘we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes’ …. so very true, Anne, particularly where children are concerned as we, foolishly, often seem to think we ‘know more’. I took exactly the same approach with my own children, I didn’t want to be the one to decide when the dummy had to go. It felt a reasonable consequence that when the last dummy was ‘lost’, it was time to move on and it was never an issue when the time came.
It makes me smile how deep down your grandson knew he wanted to get rid of his dummy because he was throwing it around the room all the time. We can override children’s expression thinking we as adults know better ( I certainly did with my children) but honouring them and getting them to understand the consequences of their actions at an early age is helping them grow.
Wow, what a great experience to observe. How easy it can be to let go of something we have been attached to and needed. Your grandson was showing the way.
Such a lovely blog Anne thank you. I love how all the adults held each other and your grandson in love – no wavering, no mixed messages, but with a unified solidness. Gorgeous.
I can see that it is often me (the adult) that anticipates/predicts that evolution should be more difficult than this! My children continue to amaze me with how little attachment they have & how easily they can let go & move on.
Recently we went away for Christmas, after packing together & saying goodnight to the children i was faced with a pile of presents to wrap and then squeeze into a bag. I felt ready for bed and pondered how pointless this all felt. So after a chat with my husband i elected with surprising ease to leave the presents at home for our return. I told the children on the way to the airport the next day and no one even blinked, they just went “yeah sure” . Where was the disappointment & reaction i had anticipated? Simply, there was none. In fact without presents there was nothing to hide behind, no quick fixes or distractions, we had stripped away the material aspects of Christmas & made it about the purity of togetherness and connection. An evolutionary choice for us all.
What great reflection. And I can relate to this point from the child of ‘wanting to let go of something, but like to get support or an allowing for it’. It is supportive for development to know/experience that my surroundings can handle this and support me here.
As an adult I have to find this support as well. It is very great to get it. I always find someone or something that will support me in evolving if I am open for it.
I once had the impulse to do something what was an evolving point for me while some people around me did not support me here. I could give up on it, but I did not. I claimed it without them and than some support did arise …
” love is not always what we think it is” so true – for a long time and I still do hold images and pictures in my head of what love should look like or what I need it to be, whilst all the time I do this I am missing the love that is all around and right in front of me. People all have their own way of expressing love and it might not be how you want it or need it to be. For example maybe someone isn’t able to express verbally how much they care, but by the words in the card you can feel how much they cherish. This is something I am learning to let go of, my needs for love to fit the picture or needs that I have, and to build a loving relationship with myself, then there will be no need for another to love me.
Even as grown ups we have forms of dummy’s in our lives that we struggle to let go of. The things that make us feel safe and comfortable. It certainly is a clear example of how when we are reacting to a world around us that it is not showing or presenting love so we go to our comfort things to try and make it all ok.
Thank you Anne for sharing this story – what really stood out for me was the ease in which your grandson let go, and what a great reflection to receive for the whole family.
Learning such wisdom from these everyday events is an amazing way to live – so much better than vegging out in front of the TV.
When we avoid supporting children to feel the consequences of their actions, is that not a reflection that we are avoiding taking responsibility of feeling the consequences of our own actions?
Your grandson is clearly no dummy himself! The dummy, or pacifier as it’s known in the US, prevents clear communication and holds a child back from his or her true expression. So it’s amazing that your grandson was ready to take what would have felt like a giant step at such a young age. It makes me ask myself what am I still holding onto or using that is holding me back.
This blog has given me a new saying for dealing with all those little addictions that still linger – “A Dummy Moment”. If a child of two can so easily relinquish an addiction, then surely an adult of 51 can do the same?!
I know a child of 2 1/2 who still has a dummy. I ask him to remove it when he speaks so I can understand him better and he has no problem with that. Once when I babysat I forgot to give him his dummy and he fell asleep for a nap without any problem. Interesting that as parents we may sometimes ‘give in’ or even continue with a stage of development that may be ripe for moving on past – in the name of ‘love’. I myself was a thumb-sucker – so that couldn’t be thrown away!
What’s fascinating to observe is how we expect children to respond to an event over how they actually choose to respond. When we remember that children are just smaller versions of adults, no different in their willingness to grow and evolve (or not), there is no special treatment needed or a pandering untrue version of love that inhibits evolution. Love is treating everyone equally and allowing everyone to feel the consequences of their choices.
I love this Anne . “we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.” Children are able to deal with far more than we often allow them to.
Thank you fro sharing Anne. As you say, ‘Holding another in the love that we are and allowing them to feel that they too are that love.’ and learning that there are consequences is love even though we may think we are being hard in them we are not. The earlier we learn consequences the better!
Beautiful exposé of evolving versus growing up. With evolution there is quality, confirmation, responsibility and purpose (for everyone involved), growing up is just a biological and sociological process that happens anyway.
What a great learning for us all from your sharing Anne. I had often wondered how easy it would be to wean a child off a dummy, do we wait until they make the choice for themselves or do we make the decision for them which if we are not fully aware can come from an ideal or a picture. What I love about this is the child was actually ready to let go of the dummy and the playing up was the way he was able to communicate this, it just shows that when a child plays up to look past the playing up and see what is really going on, This is much better than substituting the dummy for food which I have seen a few mothers do when their child plays up at the check outs in the supermarket.
Awesome blog Anne. I absolutely agree, our children can reflect much for us to learn. I appreciate this too and learning to stop hovering over my own children. I have found letting go of control, fear and superiority to allow our children to learn and grow can be very supportive for both children and parents.
There is something in that fourth lesson… that so called bad behaviours are also a means of communication. Do we simply judge?… locked in our ideal of how things ‘shoud’ be and getting frustrated that they are not. Or can we listen?… simply observe the behaviour and provide a reflection of love.
A beautiful lesson in true parenting. We can all feel like screaming when we are breaking an ingrained pattern but feel the lightness when we realise we are free of what has been holding us back.
My little nephew was the same with his little blanket which he called blabbley until one day it was left somewhere resulting in mass panic from every one. He too was ready to move on and quickly got over it. This blog made me think back to how alcohol was such a crutch for me and although I hated being reliant on it I couldn’t see how I was going to stop but when the time was right I just stopped and there has been no looking back.
The dam has broken and this little fellow made a clear choice with the wonderful support of all of you. How inspiring of trust is that for him, knowing you have his back just by holding steady in yourselves. No helicoptoring in sight, very empowering.
Quite interesting in the context of talking about expression here that a pacifier is called a dummy.
Whether it is the coffee we drink, the sugar snack we crave or the emotional behavior we go into these are the adult dummies we have become attached to. Yes, there may be a fair amount of screaming and wailing we may go into on giving them up, but the fact as you show Anne, is when we truly release, harmony and freedom are quick to come.
This is such a beautiful example of what love is. I can relate to the moment when we need to step up and evolve to the next level and we mess about for a while until the moment comes and we let ourselves do it, ever if we need a bit of a push from another.
What fabulous awarenesses that are brought to us through children, and yes, this awareness is gold..”we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes…”
It is amazing how we have lost our touch with firm love, because really letting people run free without holding them accountable is very unloving anyway.
I have a similar story with one of my daughters. Up until she was two years old she would carry around her bottle every where. She could not be with out it and she would scream ‘bobble, bobble, bobble’ if she misplaced it. One day I knew that it needed to go so I talked with her about how it was time to throw the ‘bobble’ (as she called it) in the bin, that she was old to drink from a cup. I too thought it was going to be a big drama for her because she was so attached to her ’bobble.’ How wrong I was, for the next few days she repeatedly said bobble’ is in the bin and then not a word and happily drank from a cup.
This was gorgeous to read Anne. I just loved how after a mild meltdown, your grandson just let go of what was holding him back from expressing more in full. This is a great lesson for us all … and an inspirational reminder of what is possible when we remove things from our life that don’t truly support us.
How amazing to view this as the next steps in a childs evolution, we have so many ideas about parenting and beliefs about what children should or shouldn’t do, but seeing them as wise beings that are making choices, and allowing them to feel the consequences of those choices is ultimately empowering as you have shared Anne! LOVED the blog!
This teaches us so much on so many different levels. What I first got from this is the importance in the way we do things, for instance your grandsons father calmly picking up the dummy and placing it in in the bin. He didn’t do this in an angry, irritated or harsh way. By doing this in a loving yet firm way it gave his son a space to feel something different. It gave the space for his son just to be. Also I really love that you shared you love living with your family (your daughter and her son) what I could feel when you shared this was how much love you all have for each other and how your home feels harmonious. Many people complain about living with their families or having to move back in with them so it is really beautifully to hear the complete opposite and feel just how tangible your love for each other is.
‘…we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life.’ this is so beautiful. It stops judgement in its tracks and we can see each person for the divinity they are. We don’t have to hold them back by how we relate to them – a preconceived expectation that they’ll behave a certain way. I know I can relate to myself according to how I used to be and can hold myself back in this way. Great to let go of this with myself.
What a thoughtful post Anne, enjoyed reading this — this bit is especially sound “…we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes”. Awesome observation, and understanding too… and moreover too the part we play in each other’s growth and expansion for the inter-connectivity we share.
I am so appreciative to know love in this way deeply in my body that next time around when I am a parent again, it will be known rather than not. I am also appreciative to know that having embodied love in this way does not mean necessarily that my child or loved ones will get it in the time I want them to, and that understanding in free-will is equally important to be deeply known and lived.
This is a beautiful example of evolution at any age and that we are all ready in our own time to let things go and move forth with life and its many amazing explorations and discoveries. Thank you Anne.
What a difference binning the dummy made, – and what a reminder that it is about evolution from the very first breath.
Very very sweet, gorgeously sweet in fact, as to how loved and supported your grandson felt that he was simply able to let go, a great confirmation of his own strength, but also of yours to allow him the space to grow.
Really enjoyed reading this Anne, their are it seems many ways to parent but what seems common is that to care deeply for a small child at times requires what might seem like tough choices, but in this example removing something actually made the space for the child to be more free and less burdened. An important lesson in there for us all.
What a great sharing and understanding of true love and parenting shared to be appreciated of all we know and can feel. In this case removing the dummy altogether lovingly shows the importance of changes that can be made allowing ourselves to grow in unforeseen situations and the ease and expansion this can bring.
It’s true that we can never impose an expectation on what another may or may not be ready for.
There is such an illusion here for all of us that we think we can hang onto something, perhaps an object or behaviour, and feel we need it, but when we let go of it we have the opportunity to find more of ourselves.
And I love that you put pen to paper, so as to speak, as this sharing is priceless as it allows us to all “grow and evolve back to the oneness we are from” with you. It is a great example of love in action and the outcome of following through with that love.
What a beautiful reflection of swag and what it truly means. It comes from the way we live and not what we can buy and is who we are. Essentially we all have swag – it is just about allowing it out and having fun with it, not being afraid to let the world see you All of you.
This is so beautiful. How your entire family stand by and hold your grandson in love to support him to let him be himself in his process is just stunning. I had never heard of a term ‘helicopter parenting’ and I have no child of my own, but I have experienced myself going into anxiety when a baby is upset, thinking that I had to do everything to make them a happy baby again no matter what – I can see from your sharing that it was me who had lost myself then and interfered with what was going on and what the baby was feeling, and I can also see how the same applies to any relationship. Thank you, Anne.
Thank you Anne. I completely recognize the amazingness of children. Whenever we judge them because of their behavior that isn’t loving, we’re actually taking things personally, rather than observe and feel what is actually going on. I love how I already could feel that the boy actually communicated that he wanted to say goodbye to the dummy. Children are still very connected to naturally wanting to learn. And boy oh boy are they clear what they want to learn. We only have to observe and feel their behavior and communication. It is usually very clear if we choose to connect!
It is great how this shows, love isn’t pampering but responding to that what is obviously needed in that time.
What is quite exposing here is that not only can we use “a bit of brightly of coloured plastic” in an addictive way we can start doing it so young. I love this blog because it shows us that pandering to our addictions does us no favours what so ever, whatever our age. Supporting us to feel the consequences of our actions and holding strong to appropriate boundaries however horrid at the time is such a deeply loving lesson for us all.
I love this Anne, and I can also relate as a child I know, did the same thing, always wanting the dummy and they had easy access to where they were kept so could get them at any time, but this also stunted their expression as it was always behind a dummy. But a couple of times, I said to them, “let’s take your dummy out so we can hear your beautiful words”. They let me take it out and then happily moved away to play and didn’t look for it for a few hours. It definitely makes a huge difference when you don’t have a picture of the outcome, just and hold them where they are at and let them make the choice.
Children are able to let go and move on incredibly easily, we can learn a lot from them.
Just what I was thinking Fiona, I thought as I read this there might be a few repercussions but the child was able to let go completely and start to enjoy the next phase of his childhood without the attachment to the dummy… I learnt a lot from this lovely blog
I know what we mean we can learn a lot from children and can move on without hanging onto things. Something to remember is we were also once children so can also easily do the same thing!
I have often felt sad when I’ve seen a toddler try to talk past their dummy, and have judged the parents for shutting up their expression in that way, it never occurred to me that using a dummy could be the child’s choice.
Yes, I didn’t know that either.
Such a strong point made here Anne, that we can all keep learning from: ‘Firstly, love is not always what we think it is. In these days of ‘helicopter’ parenting (parents who hover over their kids, attending to their every whim and desire), we think it is somehow a loveless thing to let kids feel the consequences of their choices. It is not. That is what love is. Holding another in the love that we are and allowing them to feel that they too are that love.’ To parent with true love is such a key thing for our evolution as a race. We seem to either parent in one or two ways, both of which are false: we neglect a child so that they are left free to roam and do what they like bringing themselves up, or this micro-managing/ ‘helicopter parenting’ that is so prevalent now. None of it is based love.
Great story Anne! Awesome reminder to listen to children and read what they are showing/telling us, which at times may not be blatantly obvious.
And I love this blog Anne! Such beautiful observation as well as gentle humour hearing described the way your grandson would walk around with a dummy in each hand. Your grandson was in fact enacting that he wanted to get rid of the dummy by throwing them on the floor and watching them go in the bin . . .even to the last one! So great that you were all clear and steady with him, standing by your word, comforting him when he went to bed. And so brilliant that he laughed about the dummy and said ‘Daddy threw it in the bin’. Love is being able to truly read what is needed as your family so beautifully did.
Anne, such a beautiful sharing and as an adult I can recognise the truth in what you say here ‘Anything that we use for relief, to numb ourselves, to not feel, to distract ourselves from what we cannot but feel, can become a crutch that we depend on’, I used many things in exactly the same way that you’re grandson used his dummy. The problem with the things that I used as a dummy is that they are either socially acceptable, like over-eating or zoning out in front of rubbish telly or they are actively encouraged, like exercising. Over time we will get to the point that we will realise in full that much of what we fill our lives with, is simply a way to avoid feeling and it is then that we will choose to deal with the feelings that we have so doggedly avoided and that, in turn, will radically change what we choose to fill life with.
I have learnt this with my own children – that often when the behaviour seems totally out of control and their will and defiance kicks in, they are actually sensing the discord created when moving in a way that is not true to their essence within. As a parent, by holding steady and honouring this love and absolute harmony we all in essence are, we are better able to know the movements that need correction in order to restore true movement for all. This is a great example of this learning Anne, thankyou for sharing x
What a beautiful story, I had a very similar experience with my own son and his dummy. He was so attached to it I thought it was going to be this huge drama when we took it off him but it turns out he was fine, he was better than fine, he was a different little man without it. He wasn’t needy or upset, he was settled and slept really well as the dummy falling out didn’t disturb him anymore.
I love how you write Anne. One of the greatest things I have learnt over the years, and am continuing to learn, is what true love really means. That is not being about ‘nice’ so that we do not upset another whilst overriding how we truly feel, or fulfilling obligations so that we are considered ‘good’ or worthy, or disregarding how we feel in our bodies to please another. I have discovered that the power and grace of love is always present through honoring our truth within, holding ourselves in the highest regard and expressing the truth we feel and see to another, as such holding them in the light of love that they also are within. With this, as you have said, we are simply but greatly – ‘Holding another in the love that we are and allowing them to feel that they too are that love.’ – and nothing less. As it is through embracing all that love is, that we learn, heal, grow and evolve together back to all that we truly are.
Beautiful Anne Mallat, showing us what true consequences in parenting does, and how this is not bad at all!
Such simplicity and clarity in what you share here Anne that reveals no matter our age we can all find ways to delay our evolution. I love the fact through steadiness and support your grandson was able to trust this change and allow himself to move on to greater expression of who he is. An amazing example at 2 of what we can all choose at any age.
This is so gorgeous! A stunning tale Anne, filled with wisdom and inspiration for evolution. Thank you.
I love this Anne, thank you for clocking what went on, and sharing it with us all. I could really relate to point two, about wanting to let something go but not sure how to do it and then when you receive the support, and let it go, the freedom in your body is awesome. It shows me that we all need each other, to support us to be the love we are and let go of what is not.
This is really lovely Anne. As I was reading it, I really felt how he wanted the dummy gone but needed the support. It is great that you get to share these precious moments with him and that he has a broader family. It seems quite often these days grand parents are just seen once in a while which is such a shame as they have so much to share and reflect to the children.
I absolutely agree that love is not what we imagine it to be. What may be considered loving parenting, may not actually be love, which would present truth and potential for evolution. While we try to keep our kids comfortable and safe, this is how they learn to be in life. As they grow up this leaves them seeking comfort and safety, rather than seeing all our experiences as opportunities to grow and become more complete within ourselves.
I can see how having a crutch actually creates a level of unease for us. When we rely on something outside ourselves to get through a situation, we do not look within for our inner resources (and discover there is so much already there!).
What a great understanding of how simple it is to hold what is true and reflect this for another, supporting them to choose truth.
We learn so much from children when we drop the need to be the all-knowing adult. Who are we trying to kid anyway? Young children see straight through it!
“Their so-called bad behaviours are often their way of communicating to us what is not true, and offer us a way of bringing them – and ourselves – back to truth.” Understanding life in this way is so valuable – I notice it in myself sometimes too, when I get frustrated or react often I am actually wanting to get out of it yet feel not straight away how and it is then a blessing when someone notices and asks what is going on instead of reacting back, or ignoring it.
I could not but smile when I read these words: “It was as if someone had taken the stopper out of a bottle, and the contents were now free to flow”. As I read I could feel the joy that had been released and that now this very wise little boy can be all of his beautiful self – there’s no holding him back now!
The power of truth, and holding steady to that choice is so beholding of everyone. Perhaps your grandson was feeling the adults anxiousness of how to wean him off the dummy’s that was creating an anxiety in him? And when the adults stayed steady with their choice, he could relax and let go – there was no need for him to be anxious anymore.
Its very inspiring Anne to read how you have observed your grandson, and how this incident has not just been about the dummy but what everyone can learn from this situation, and most importantly, how we can all evolve.
How gorgeous to be learning and growing and evolving with one another. No matter our age, we each and every one of us have so much to offer another by way of reflection.
Thank you for sharing this Anne, it is a great story and very relatable to many situations in life.
Beautiful blog Anne, thank you.
Anne I love that you have looked at this from a much deeper level than you grandson simply growing out of it, which is true to a point. But there is much to understand about ourselves and others from observing those around us, even if they are 2 years old.
Understanding the dummy to be an addiction and then a burden is a great reflection of the kind of behaviours we turn to as a substitute for a truth we have dismissed thus now dealing with 2 dilemmas, the lack of truth we actually long for and miss and on top the disturbing behaviour and its negative effects we need to get rid of again.
What a wonderful family you have Anne. We can learn so much from children if we are willing to observe and allow them to be themselves.
Allowing them to be and giving them the space to support their own levels of responsibility is paramount here. It is interesting to observe how often we can hear parents say ‘they are still young/, ‘he/she is my baby’. How often do the primary caregivers hold back their child’s own levels of development?
‘we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.’ Very true Anne, and when that time comes we can’t hold any pictures of what it may look like to us.
‘we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes.’ – This is so true Anne, your sharing is also a beuatiful example that we all deep down know when it is time to say yes to go to the next level of evolution in our lives, children and adults alike.
Brilliant sharing Anne! Love is most definitely not all lovey dovey as we may like it to be. Being firm sometimes is definitely what is needed especially when someone else’s behaviour is not of their truth.
That is so cool what you share Anne, how you got to really see how much that experience was offering you and everyone in the family. We do tend to brush off our children as being annoying and naughty but as you say they are actually communicating with us. What is it that they don’t like and reacting to… as adults we still are reacting to things we just may not be having a tantrum. Kids can be so honest and it is definitely an expression to be inspired by and to stop and reflect.
wow, who knew that a dummy could provide such evidence of so much, including evolution?
Incredible.
I love that you wrote this, and let us all get a huge insight into a common situation with young toddlers, that now is imbued with rich meaning….
It’s funny how if we have a picture of how something should be or how something should go we often get caught. It would be the same as making judgement on a blog written about this without knowing the family and the details. If this is what the family felt was the next step for all involved then you would have to support it. Given also how things have progressed you would have to see this as a confirmation that the family working together was on the right track. We are so quick these days to make judgement or pigeon hole someone when we only have part of a story. I watched someone close to me suck their thumb for a period and while some say they grow out of it this person needed supported. Now they are a great valued member of the family, simply because of now hearing their voice more regularly. We can often hold things back by not taking in the whole situation and feeling what is best and in it’s place we grab part of a story, react and make a judgement. I love this blog for what it is saying and I understand more because of it.
Anne, your grandson showed you how he was ready to let go of something he no longer needed, that he had outgrown and that was now holding back his expression. Had you pandered to what you thought he needed, another dummy, it would have delayed his development. Such a gorgeous example of true love – thankyou for sharing this.
Thanks Anne, I really enjoyed this blog and remember some similar attachment my son had, it inevitably was replaced with other distractions and comforts. This rang true for me ‘we never know when another person is ready to evolve to the next level of their life. And we should never get in the way when the time comes’ I find this applies not only to family, but also friends and work colleagues. Great to share and be part of.
Yes Andrew, a great quote and I can relate – I have an old pattern of wanting to fix things or make things better for people. This, of course, is an imposition and is indeed me getting in the way. A great reminder for me (and us all) here.
“Helicopter parenting”… hovering around children to meet their every whim… what has the world come to. Love is not weak, petty or whimsical. Love is love and that in every way sees the strength and potential of everyone. Even a 2-year-old child.
‘Helicopter parenting’ is a symptom of parenting from need and not true connection. That is, there is a part of us that needs to be needed so we can feel we ‘belong’ rather than living from a deep sense of connection with ourself and thus the All we are a part of. If we live in separation to this, the love that we are, then we seek love in the form of emotional attachment and not in its true form which is simply an expression of the Soul’s light, the love we all are deep within.
The needing to be needed is absolutely what is affecting parenting today. Needing to be needed or trying to meet all the ‘shoulda’ in life. Parenting from connection is quite a simple, a very consistent way of being – that is strong, loving and has a deep care to it for another. Yet if we do not offer that deep care to ourselves first then our parenting will hold that lack of clarity and a neediness.
The most loving word is often a simple ‘no’ at times.
Sure is Heather. The child was held in love and acted upon his next level of self love – letting the dummy go!
What an inspiration your grandson is Anne, and as you say we adults can learn so much from our children if we can but allow ourselves to see the lessons that are there to be learnt. The freedom that we can gain from letting something go is so enormous, and having had experinece of this myself, it does beg the question why we can still hold onto things so tightly when we know deep within that so often we are better off without them.
Very true – we are better off without them. I think as adults we tend to make the letting something go seem scarier than it actually is. When this little guy has showed us all that it’s quite easy to get over and there is such a freedom in the other end.
Could it be that bad behaviours in adult can also be telling us something is not right, that something is very wrong but not able to be expressed? Observing myself in the company of children, I have noticed that I am more open and willing to meet them where they are at, there is no holding back. Children truly are our greatest teachers.
Great point Christine. When we indulge in addictions we numb ourselves to the fact that something needs to change, it’s about as effective as turning off the ‘annoying’ smoke alarm and staying put while your house is burning down.
Spot on Christine. I totally agree. Bad or poor behaviour is highlighting a tension in life and a red flag that something needs addressed.
Yes, well said Johanna, if we look at ourselves, how we are being in that moment rather than focusing on the child we become far more aware of what the issue is.
Children are our greatest teachers! So, why does it take so long for us to see the truth?
With our son, I’ve seen hard or protected men turn tender and grumpy people giggle. If there’s not a lesson to be learned there, I don’t know what to say!
I simply love this sharing Anne. Observing behavior, reading the true evolution being asked for and choosing to act in the moment and hold true to the choice is priceless parenting.
It was gorgeous how the adults remained steady, loving, embracing and unified in supporting this decision and point of evolution for this little chap. Now they get to enjoy his clear chatty expression.
Wow I really love this story. I have identified a few addictions that I have and it is wonderful to clock the fact that letting go of an addiction can actually be a joyful experience if we embrace what we gain by letting it go.
In today’s society there are so many for us to grasp onto – technological devices being quite a big one. I had a conversation with a preteen recently about how it is for him/her to be with the mobile phone and to be without it. This preteen was amazing and identified that there was a lost feeling and a reliance on the mobile. And from this one conversation that was filled with awareness this preteen decided to limit their time with their phone. Evolution at all ages.
That’s beautiful Leonne, when addicted to anything often our focus is a sense of fear/panic at the loss rather than what we gain and how much we can grow by letting go.
I appreciate how so much can be learnt just by observing everyday simple situations, thank you Anne for the revelations.
That is an amazing tale of a little person evolving to their next stage of evolution – and of the adults around who held him with steadiness and in absolute love.
And it just shows that no matter our age – we all do know and are part of the cycle of evolution.