About 8 years ago I lost 25 kilos. At the time I was using food to fill an emptiness in me, although I now see how I had learnt to control my eating and weight but never really dealt with the issue underneath, so it popped up again in a different form – this time through buying clothes.
When I was a child we didn’t have a lot of money so my mum and grandma would make our clothes. My sister and I got a new dress each year in October to go to a show and if we made our first communion or confirmation, then we got two dresses that year. As I got older and had clothes made for me, I would pick a pattern and design how I wanted it to be made. It was always a joke in my family that I would never get a dress or pattern without wanting to make changes to suit my body.
Before I got married I remember buying three new dresses. I would save my good clothes for good and I didn’t really wear them. Then when I eventually got rid of clothes, they always looked as if they had never been worn and that was because I hardly wore them!
After I had my second baby, my mum and sister took me shopping. They thought that I needed to get a few things as I was still wearing my maternity clothes nine months after my baby was born. That day I bought two outfits that I could mix and match. I loved what I bought, especially a bone top and a khaki pair of long shorts. I felt beautiful in them. I also remember buying a beautiful grey tracksuit. I wore these clothes all the time; I didn’t put these clothes in my cupboard and not wear them.
When my first marriage ended and I shifted to Brisbane, I started to buy more clothes. At first I would buy really expensive dresses to go out in the evening. However I didn’t go out, so I didn’t wear them, and they would sit in my wardrobe. I spent more money on those ‘good’ clothes that I didn’t wear and not on things that I could wear each day. I stopped this and then started to look for a good bargain and I would find myself saying, “It only cost $10.” But I did wear them.
Two years ago I started work in a clothes store and I began to buy clothes on sale. They were now quality things that I was buying because they were on sale, so cheap and such a good buy and I was saving so much money… never giving any thought to, “Do I really want or need this item?” I had gotten sucked into something that I was losing control over. Sometimes I would stop and have short periods of saying to myself, “No, you don’t need that,” but the moment I bought something, it would start all over again. Pretty scary!
I knew my needing to buy clothes was about something else. I felt something was missing. I was missing something and I was using clothes to fill up this something. I felt that I needed something ‘out there’ to fill an emptiness that was in me. The more I bought, the worse I felt.
I wasn’t filling an emptiness, I was feeding the emptiness.
I got to a point where I could feel a change in my body as I would buy something. It was like my body was telling me something, but I didn’t want to stop and feel what it was, – I didn’t want to listen to my body. I noticed how I would start to feel racy, disconnected, unsettled and guilty all at the same time.
One morning I added up all the dockets that I had spent on clothes since I had started working in the clothes store. I was pretty shocked at the amount of money I had spent, and when I looked into my wardrobe, I could feel how I didn’t really like the clothes that I had bought. This was an even bigger shock, as I do wardrobe makeovers with women and support them to buy things that they really love. Looking into my wardrobe I could say there was very little that I loved. Looking into my wardrobe made me feel sick.
It was at this point that I realised that I had an addiction to buying clothes that was no different to any other addiction. I was using something to make me feel better about myself. I was trying to fill something up with clothes, an empty feeling. There was something out there that I needed in order to make me feel better about myself because I didn’t feel ok about me, just being me. I looked the part – confident, well groomed – but I still felt I wasn’t good enough, and I thought that by buying clothes I would look and feel better and that this empty feeling would go away, but it never did.
I continued to buy clothes, with more awareness of what was going on, but I could still feel that I didn’t want to get to the bottom of why I was spending so much money on clothes. What I felt when I went to my wardrobe was the energy that I was in when I was buying the clothes, and that was what was making me feel sick. I had to really stop and feel what was going on and what choices I was making when I bought these clothes. One of the things that I noticed about this addiction was that I had stopped buying for anyone else. It was all focussed on me, what I wanted. That was a big eye opener for me.
What if what I didn’t want to feel was how amazing I was, how simply divine I am and that I don’t need clothes or anything else to fill me?
The clothes we choose to wear can support us far more then we realise. When we buy clothes in the energy of ‘I’m not enough,’ we are setting ourselves up each day to feel less, like we are watering down who we are, our power as women. If I’m hooked into anything that is not about me feeling the fullness of ‘me’, then what am I truly reflecting?
It feels like I have now taken a step back to observe what I had been doing. I was on a roller coaster. All that I needed to do was STOP and FEEL. I was so afraid to feel what was under the emptiness; I couldn’t bear to know what it was. I know this seems crazy now to even think that about myself, but when I was hooked I was not thinking clearly.
When you buy clothes with a connection to you it is a totally different experience. There is no thinking from your head, “Do I love this or not?” There is no part of you that has to get a second opinion: your body is there to tell you. The way you hold yourself, the way you walk, the way the clothes feel on your skin, these are all the signs that you need and they are a true confirmation.
In my raciness, I had forgotten this amazing connection that I used to have with my clothes; how I love wearing clothes that my body feels great in, clothes that I can feel on my body. When I buy things in a need from my head, I don’t feel the clothes that I’m wearing, I don’t get to feel what my body is saying.
Now when I work and the sales are on, and I feel like I want to buy something, I allow myself to stop and give myself the space to ask myself, “What is going on? Why do I want to buy something when I am already enough, already beautiful?” Buying with an addiction is like continually selling out on myself. When I’m connected there is no need, I find that things that I love naturally come to me, I don’t have to go looking for them.
Nothing can ever fill a place inside me. Only I can do that. I am already full of my own beauty.
By Denise Cavanough, Beauty-full Woman, Wife, Mother, Organiser/ Wardrobe Makeovers, Brisbane
Further Reading:
Fashion Styling – Embracing and Appreciating Ourselves
What is Swag and Who Has Got It?
Dressing to Impress: Are You Ever Enough?
Body Image – Beauty Comes From Within
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
The relationship between dressing up and self-worth that is worth exploring. We talk into that relationship all the time in different ways. Do we need clothing to feel our beauty? Do we give ourselves permission to dress up beautifully? Do we adopt I do not care approach to dressing? Do we use dressing to shift everybody’s attention away of how we truly feel? Do we dress in accordance to our inner beauty?
Do we need clothing to feel our beauty, or is it a natural expression of the beauty already found within? The difference is stark and so easily felt.
Any addiction when your in it you are absolutely in it and don’t even realise there is an addiction. Just after the next fix, anything to avoid feeling the emptiness inside that is full of hurts and emotions that we don’t want to feel or admit are there.
I love this distinction between filling and feeding an empty feeling. It seems an important point to make because I wonder how often, in the thinking that one is filling – there is also room for making excuses, to justify the behaviour. Whereas to be honest about the feeding of an emptiness, at least we are on the path of starting to take responsibility.
When you graph globally the amount of money spent on advertising, it correlates precisely to the rise or fall of anxiety in society… Extremely revealing.
Looking into my wardrobe I could say there was very little that I loved”. I recently did some wardrobe sessions and one of the questions that Jenny Hayes, the practitioner would ask was, “Do you love it?” This is a great question which I now think of when I go shopping. It exposes all the potential purchases because…its cheap/on sale, it will do, its near enough to what I want etc.
“What if what I didn’t want to feel was how amazing I was, how simply divine I am and that I don’t need clothes or anything else to fill me?” What a brilliant realisation and a great reminder to us all to appreciate ourselves every day because that fills us up in a way that nothing outside of us can.
Always great to be reminded of the importance of daily appreciation of self, ‘When I’m connected there is no need, I find that things that I love naturally come to me, I don’t have to go looking for them.’
I can relate to this on so many levels and when I read this ‘I wasn’t filling an emptiness, I was feeding the emptiness.’ it made me consider what haven’t I looked at in my life that I need to. This is also really important that you shared ‘Buying with an addiction is like continually selling out on myself. When I’m connected there is no need, I find that things that I love naturally come to me, I don’t have to go looking for them. Nothing can ever fill a place inside me. Only I can do that. I am already full of my own beauty.’
Current fashion is so much about how it looks but not really about how it feels, how the clothes feel on our body and if we can feel comfortable in them for a whole day or not.
Well said Denise. It is interesting that all addictions come from a lack of connection with ourselves, this is what is missing in so many addiction programs out there that only deal with treating symptoms but never get to the root underlying cause where the true healing can occur.
Yes, treating the symptoms does not address the underlying energetic cause so will never be truly healed.
‘I wasn’t filling an emptiness, I was feeding the emptiness’. There is much to ponder on in these wise words when it comes to the concept of being addicted to anything.
“I wasn’t filling an emptiness, I was feeding the emptiness.” – This is an important distinction to make and one that I have fallen for many times, thinking that I was fulfilling a need of mine by going to a behaviour, hobby, or food, to not feel that emptiness and believing that it was filled, only to realise later just how much MORE empty and disconnected I now felt (with guilt and shame to add to it too) after resorting to the distracting and self-destructive behaviour.
Clothes shopping is a great marker of how we are using our personal spending money which we have earned from our work and commitment to service. Do we use this money to feed back into our purpose, or spend it on items to fulfil an empty feeling without checking IN (not checking out haha) on why this is?
Interesting topic Denise. What emptiness are we covering up with an addiction? Not wanting to stop and really feel what is there to be felt, sounds familiar to me. But if we do stop, and feel what is there it is not that difficult to heal the emptiness after all. We have been afraid of a seemingly big monster, that was a little bug in the end.
Clothes can be the diamond on our loved and honored body.
The thing is, we can be addicted to anything… Just have a look at eBay, and what people are buying, collecting, hoarding, all to fill a hole that cannot be filled by material possessions.
“I knew my needing to buy clothes was about something else.” – I think when we can have this kind of honesty with ourself we then can open up to a deeper awareness of what’s going on inside of us that is being reflected in a behaviour or habit that we know is damaging…
There is such a difference between buying clothes that express who we are to buying cloths to cover up what needs to be expressed.
Clothes shopping can often be a reward or treat that we go to in order to thank ourselves for a challenging time, a job well done or just a way to escape the stresses of life or the day. If we purchase clothes for this purpose what is the quality in which we are wearing them for others to enjoy?
And how soon do we need the next reward or treat?
I had a similar thing with buying books (plus other things). I had shelves of them, most of which were unread. But I never had an issue with books, like you with clothes. But I did have a need that was being met by my buying thousands of dollars worth of books, I was filling and feeding my feelings of emptiness too, my feelings that I had to be seen as someone. I love how I made no effort to stop this pattern, it simply stopped the more I felt me and realised that there was nothing to fill, because I was already full.
‘I wasn’t filling an emptiness, I was feeding the emptiness.’ And there is no end at feeding our emptiness, it keeps asking for more and will not stop.
When in connection with ourselves, the way we are with all things changes – not only in buying clothes – the body is an amazing barometer of what is true for it or not and when we stop and listen, it expresses very clearly.
“When you buy clothes with a connection to you it is a totally different experience. There is no thinking from your head, “Do I love this or not?” There is no part of you that has to get a second opinion: your body is there to tell you”.
I love the awareness you are sharing here from your own experience with clothes. I can absolutely relate to what you are sharing here!! Your offering to look at how we already set ourselves up by which energy we are buying clothes, is great. My relationship to clothes since I was young until now reflects absolutely my relationship to myself! One part I can add is, that clothes, even if they look amazing, colours suit you, material is very lovely, can be used as a way of mask/ protection. Actually you can read through clothing and how the person feels like in it, everything about that person.
“It was always a joke in my family that I would never get a dress or pattern without wanting to make changes to suit my body.” I love this, such a natural expression to make the clothes suit you and not fit yourself into the clothes.
Yes, you can really feel the fullness and innocence of Denise in this statement, super beautiful! It is an absoluteness without any questioning. Clothes should reflect your pure inner beauty, but never put something on for you. It does support you but should not change you. How we dress is the mirror of the inside in the outside expression- a great part to explore and reflect on!
“The more I bought, the worse I felt. I wasn’t filling an emptiness, I was feeding the emptiness” I can totally relate to this but not so much for me for buying things (although that is there), it is more eating for me. The more I eat, the worse I feel and it does feel there would never be enough corn chips in the world to fill the hole. Slowly but surely I am also exploring why I feel the need to eat like this, and it is lessening its hold on me more and more. Thank you for sharing so honestly about addiction and how to explore it. Its a worthy cause 🙂
One of the worst things we can do when going clothes shopping is to have a picture in mind of what we want to buy, and what that item is going to look like and then the whole shopping trip is a slave to finding that perfect image.
Whether I choose to shop on the internet or go out shopping it is one of the same except that I have found that I thought I could hide and justify the disconnection to myself and to others more easily when I was shopping on the internet! My relationship with internet shopping has now finally caught up with me and what a blessing that truly is… a work in progress focusing on a commitment to love.
That is very interesting to hear, that internet shopping did help you to hide and to be a little more in comfort, as it was not so much exposing your disconnection! Great point!
Losing myself in shopping I can very much relate to and it has been something I have been exploring recently. What was exposed the most was when I would shop on the internet because I thought it was easier and the impact it had on those around me! It really did made me stop to question my relationship with clothes and shopping.
Gorgeous to expose all our needs and investments, for when we are in connection to our body and the stillness inside that is so fulfilling all we want to do is share that love.
“I wasn’t filling an emptiness, I was feeding the emptiness.”
– such a simple yet profound distinction.
Yes, we can think we are filling the emptiness, but are we really just feeding the emptiness…’ The more I bought, the worse I felt.
I wasn’t filling an emptiness, I was feeding the emptiness.’ When we stop and feel we can bring more understanding to the situation, and make new choices.
In life, we may choose not to have a relationship with space. Yet, we can never get rid of the tension of such choice. Hence, we have to do something so we do not feel it. Food is a ‘great’ option. The emptiness we fill with food has to be dressed up with bigger clothing sizes. The ‘good thing’ is that we have come up with ever bigger sizes to accommodate the fact that emptiness is not just empty, but also that is endless. An ever-expanding physical body is the best way to avoid feeling an ever-expanding space. This is actually our first and foremost addiction.
When I first heard the concept of emptiness I was terrified of feeling it but what I have come to know is we simply feel the emptiness, yes it is not nice but as soon as we really feel it and start to appreciate our inner beauty we start to feel amazing, it is that simple, so not scary at all, very beautiful in fact.
“When I’m connected there is no need, I find that things that I love naturally come to me, I don’t have to go looking for them.” Yes I find this too Denise there becomes more of a flow and ease to shopping in this way because we are not moving from a need but rather from our own beautiful rhythm. Awesome thank you.
I love the points you make here especially this one Denise . . . “I wasn’t filling an emptiness, I was feeding the emptiness.” . . . This is such a great point. As with any addition this line reads true.
“I was using something to make me feel better about myself. I was trying to fill something up with clothes, an empty feeling.” How many of us have used clothes-buying – or spending on other treats to try to fill that void, when in fact, as you say, “Nothing can ever fill a place inside me. Only I can do that. I am already full of my own beauty.”
” I find that things that I love naturally come to me, I don’t have to go looking for them.” I love this Denise. I have occasionally found myself walking into a shop- not really knowing why I am there – and the right garment just jumps out at me. Just such a recent aquisition has become one of my most loved items of clothing.
Always great to feel into what is driving a pattern or addiction, ‘I felt that I needed something ‘out there’ to fill an emptiness that was in me.’ Once we have more understanding, we can choose to heal the root or source of the problem.
I recall as a teenager I bought clothes for recognition, I wanted to stand out. Then things started to shift and I used clothes to hide in. Funnily as I write this even though as a teenager I said it was about recognition, it was also about hiding. Hiding me in way out clothing, all so I wasn’t seen, only the way out clothing. Now I buy clothes that are comfortable, practical (most of the time) and fun.
The clothes I love the most and I feel the best in are those I have bought, quite often on impulse and when I have been feeling really great within myself.
It seems we can get addicted to absolutely anything in order to deny ourselves of the most amazing thing that money just can’t buy.
Denise this is very relatable, I find the buying of clothes quite a big topic because even if I do need something I still may not truly buy what I would love to wear or feels right to me. It’s also something we continually need to do, buy more clothes, so I appreciate the detail and honesty with which you shared what you discovered here. The emptiness that motivates the buying is something we can all relate to, and it is a great reminder that the emptiness is a signal we have something inside us to reconnect to and be full of.
What I love about shopping is meeting people. So when I don’t feel good I can go shopping and by the interaction with others I am back.
Any sort of shopping addiction is particularly insidious… Self-worth, financial peril, so many things intertwined…And how wonderful to come back to oneself.
‘I wasn’t filling an emptiness, I was feeding the emptiness.’ Great point Denise, the emptiness is always hungry.
Buying clothes in the past used to make me squirm, because it reflected me back the low level of self-worth I was living in. The more honesty and awareness I allow in those moments now, the more love for myself I connect with. There is a growing acceptance of my shape and emanation, before and after I wear the clothes and this makes me enjoy bit by bit more, and celebrate the woman I already am. I feel now much more my essence and wearing clothes instead of a fight with myself, is becoming a confirmation of my inner and unique expression… and I celebrate it!
Amparo how wonderful for clothing to be a celebration of the beauty of our inner essence.
Beautiful to feel an expression of truth being lived, love being shared and joy celebrated…my favourite garments of all.
Great question Brendan, it does take awareness and discernment as far as where we are placing our investments and the quality of those choices.
Taking stock and allowing ourselves to feel what is behind our choices is an invaluable tool that supports our evolution.
We can essentially use anything to fill or to feed that sense of emptiness that we may have, clothes, food, movies. This never works, so we end up using that behaviour more and more so that we don’t feel where we are at. Its amazing that you recognised this behaviour in yourself but even more so that you no longer that behaviour because there is no longer an emptiness. Buying clothes now can be a real celebration of the connection that you have with yourself and a confirmation of all that you are.
This was good for me to read. Many parts stood out for me here the main being ‘I wasn’t filling an emptiness, I was feeding the emptiness.’ and ‘If I’m hooked into anything that is not about me feeling the fullness of ‘me’, then what am I truly reflecting?’ A great blog with great sharing and honesty, thank you. And also it is very awesome that when customers walk into your shop you are now reflecting to them that they are already enough and already beautifull such a difference to what you were reflecting before when you were addicted to buying clothes .. again something great for me to ponder on and what I currently reflect to others.
Shopping can be fun and wearing clothes to express the fullness of who we are can be a beautiful daily ritual.
I feel like I am just at the beginning of experiencing shopping without the overriding need to fix myself. There are the first signs of it being a confirmation of my developing, respectful and appreciative relationship with myself.
Buying clothes can be great fun but only if we do not use it to make ourselves feel better. It ought to be about having fun expressing our fullness and our divinity.
This is a great point you have raised here Elizabeth. What about taking the moment to feel our fullness each time we put on the clothes we already have rather than searching for new clothes to fill up what is waiting patiently to be revealed from inside.
“I wasn’t filling an emptiness, I was feeding the emptiness.” Great revelation here. There is an emptiness we can feel within, so we want to fill it up with things, distractions and the like. But what is so true about what you have shared here is that, filling and ‘feeding’ are very different beasts. When we are feeding, it is a deliberate choice to really take ourselves away from who we are.
I love shopping for clothes and even browsing, but there are only so many clothes one body can wear. Sometimes when I am not particularly looking for something I find the greatest treasures, it is more a quality I am in that is confirmed in the purchase.
I have felt the same Victoria – when I am not looking but appreciating a moment, a day, a week I am often offered a great treasure that is half the price when I get to the counter!
Yes, these days I take the opportunity to buy items I find and love, even when I have not had the intention to purchase anything. I am also happy to go shopping and come home empty handed if I don’t find anything that is absolutely right.
I am with you on that Martin, feeling comfortable in our own skin is priceless. Your comment is a blog in itself, which I am sure many can relate to. It is extraordinary the prices that are paid of some clothing, handbags and shoes… that are actually more ‘wearing’ us than us wearing them.
What a great insight this is Denise, “I wasn’t filling an emptiness, I was feeding the emptiness.” There is nothing outside of us that can truly fill us, only when we connect to our inner-essence we find it is full and overflowing. We can then sip from love and not lack.
The clothes we choose to wear can be a beautiful extension of our expression and appreciation for who we are, and in that we are ‘wearing’ an energy that supports us and others all day. And I know the opposite too when I’ve dressed to hide myself or to try and impress others or meet a picture I think I should look like, from a lack of valuing my true expression, which does not feel so great…!
“All that I needed to do was STOP and FEEL.” this is true, as it is only until then that the momentum we have been living in can be addressed and stopped for good as we are not longer trying to manage life by relying on addictive behaviours but take it head on with what is coming up moment to moment without affecting our quality within.
I love to give a lot of attention to the detail of clothes I buy so they are truly supporting my body and confirm who I am. That is a pure joy as I lived very different before which also reflected in the way I was dressing. To hide myself as a woman.
‘When you buy clothes with a connection to you it is a totally different experience…your body is there to tell you. The way you hold yourself, the way you walk, the way the clothes feel on your skin, these are all the signs that you need and they are a true confirmation.’ – `This really sat with me and makes so much sense, as I am someone who used to buy clothes based on how they looked not how they felt – so I now have a very different relationship with my body and with clothes,
I love clothes with soft materials and the touch of them on my skin and on my fingers. They support me to be in my delicateness.
I love to buy clothes as a celebration of me and not to glorify and make me look good. When I make it about the look alone I often find that when I wear them later on they just don’t feel honouring or supportive and may not even look that good any more! When I make it about the connection and celebration with me I find that the love I purchased the clothing in stays with me whenever I put the clothes on again later.
” nothing can ever fill a place inside me . Only I can do that .I am already full of my own beauty ”
This is so true and living ones beauty maintains the fullness of the place inside you .
When we get a true understanding of what emptiness is all about then we get an understanding that if we do not get to the root cause there is a simple replacement always waiting in the wings. So what is emptiness? When opened up to our divine connection their is a full-ness that is felt in the heart and when this is maintained we become re-connected to the Soul and this is a complete lack of emptiness.
So is emptiness in the being or the doing? Could it be in being connected we live a life that is being decent and respect-full, thus we are being-full in a life with true purpose, so we are in a flow from one moment to the next? If we are caught up in the doing then could it be possible that it is just are trying to please others? Then are we being of service, or are we doing service and which one feels energetically true?
Then what is a replacement? Lets say we are doing drugs and we feel what it is doing to our body so we stop and go through all the rejection or symptoms of withdrawal and then in that process we start to drink more wine this is considered a replacement and it is the same with foods that we could indulge in or any other pattern in our life that keeps us from healing thus returning to the Soul.
“The more I bought, the worse I felt”. This doesn’t make sense if buying clothes actually fulfills a need or emptiness within us. But as has been shared it ends up doing the opposite by confirming and feeding the emptiness. The lovely clothes arrive and the ache of emptiness is still there. How simple to just stop and feel what is driving the emptiness and put a stop to it, as it is a lie being fed to us that stops us from feeling our gloriousness.
Thanks Denise, this is very powerful to read and I’ll be back many times to review and reflect on the wisdom you have shared from your experiences. I would also like to share how much I appreciate the fullness of your honesty throughout the blog – it’s a very endearing quality. It’s such a big learning curve to feel and appreciate how amazing we are, we spent years in disconnection and filling the void of that emptiness is so normal, but it’s completely worth challenging every behaviour that feeds that emptiness so that we can be full with ourselves.
When we do not dress ourselves in the garment of truth, we experience a nakedness that has us seeking shelter by way of adopting costumes that will hide us from the truth of what we are choosing.
So true Liane, the garment of truth is transparency so everyone sees all of us and this is without dressing our-self down but being open like a book so we can easily read and be read.
We all know when something is out of control, when we do something ‘to excess’. It stands out because despite what you know is the right thing to do, you end up going ahead with this thing anyway. It can, as you show Denise, destroy and eat away at the natural trust that is there in us. But all of this changes when you bring understanding to yourself and see that we all miss the connection to God that is there naturally. Like a tree missing it’s trunk it only makes sense that we go looking for a replacement instead. So there’s no need to be hard on ourselves just help us to come back to this beauty inside.
“I wasn’t filling an emptiness, I was feeding the emptiness.” – Great realisation – this is something I remind myself of if I find myself craving something I know isn’t good for me. The only way to genuinely fill ourselves up with love and to be truly content and at ease within our-self is found within us first.
Clothes can be a reflection of the essence we are choosing to reflect in all of its beauty and grace, and others can feel and see that sparkle and give credit to the outfit you are wearing, but they are essentially feeling your amazing shining through.
Clothes are of course an interesting reflection …. If we invest in true quality we will be served for a very long time
We are fuller than we can possibly imagine and the perceived need for something to fix us actually keeps us away from living this fact.
No wonder we have coined the term ‘retail therapy’ – you make it very clear that this therapy doesn’t work because it does not address the reason why consumers buy things they do not need or even truly want and that can even make them feel sick.
Yes and definitely not a true healing ‘therapy’ when it is used as a distraction from what we’re feeling inside.
This sharing sounds all too familiar – clothes, shoes, scarves you name it all bought in a moment of hurt, numbing and not wanting to feel what is truly going on. It is when we stand back many years later and look at the extent of this buying we can appreciate that buying clothes to confirm the body and walk in this confirmation is the key to support ourselves and what this reflect to others.
When we get a true understanding of what emptiness is all about then we get an understanding that if we do not get to the root cause of being empty then there is a simple replacement energy. So what is emptiness? When opened up to our divine connection their is a full-ness that is felt in the heart and when this Love is maintained we become re-connected to the Soul and this is a complete lack of emptiness. And before Love comes our way of living there is a self-loving way of existence that is needed for a foundation, which is part of our evolution. Then to set the tone for self-love we need to be at-least gentle because from an empty-ness self-love can be too big a leap.
As an empty vessel I first tried to hide behind my humor and jokes, then I went into sports, then smoking by the time I was 10, then at 15 I added drinking, then at 19 I added drugs so what a repertoire and add to this a very addictive diet of pizza’s and junk food I was totally empty, but if anyone told me all that I would have laughed at them. What great vision hindsight gives us?
Then at 40 I finally stopped all this pollution to my mind and body or so I thought, then I to discovered what I was then doing was just as ugly, which was only burying my emptiness behind a wall of arrogance because I was a vegan and a health nut, but my body was still empty, and racked with all sorts of pain.
At 51 after attending a Universal Medicine event presented by Serge Benhayon my whole word was turned upside-down and I started to get an understanding about true health and being at least gentle with myself to the best of my ability.
Thank you Denise, this is a great expose of the way we can approach buying clothes for ourselves whether we buy items from an emptiness and lack of self-worth which usually ends up costing us and arm and a leg offering little relief as the void still there, or we purchase something in connection to our quality within which more often is what is perfectly needed and also a great bargain!
I totally agree when we buy clothes or makeup from the sense of not feeling enough, we are looking to the external to create an image that is not felt inside.
I can very much relate. I used to hide and dress down all the time and still find myself doing it at times but am loving the confidence that I have these days to just wear what I feel good in and not worry about a thing!
Clothes are an interesting thing, we like to wear them obviously, but they can be something used to celebrate who we are or hide. They can also be used to protect and blend into ones surroundings. There is so much about our clothes that tells a story about how we feel about ourselves.
To stop, feel and connect is so useful in so many areas of life – from food to clothes shopping. As I clutter clear – again – it supports me to feel what is true for me to keep and what to get rid of that I have kept and not used/worn for far too long.
Great to consider whether a purchase is about trying to fill a hole, a need or whether it is a celebration. No amount of clothes will make up for what we can give ourselves in terms of appreciation and nurturing. It is wise to look at this and reflect on why we buy!
I love that you have shared that our attempts to ease a sense of emptiness are futile when approached from the outside and the acquisition of something. It is in our relationship with ourselves and a willingness to be honest with how we feel that we realise there is no emptiness, simply the need to let out (expand) who we truly are.
For moments in my life I am able to connect to a feeling of warmth and joy inside my body. It’s like I feel everything is on fire in the greatest way – like a car that purrs, an oven crackling up your roast at exactly right temperature, or the sun hitting your face on a chilly day – its a feeling of saying ‘Yes!’ to everything today. What would it be like to live this feeling all the time? The fact that I do not, helps me understand why I go looking for substitutes like the dresses you mention Denise. But what could be better to wear than my own joy and celebration.
I love the honesty of this. Whenever we have a need like this for something our alarm bells should go off as in truth we need nothing as we have it all inside.
There are so many ways to numb ourselves away from feeling and thus reading all that is happening both within and around us. But reading energy is a vital tool for life and it must not ever be discounted as a very natural part of ourselves and our relationships with each other.
When we eat, we are consuming energy as well as the physical compounds.
‘Nothing can ever fill a place inside me. Only I can do that. I am already full of my own beauty.’ Beautiful Denise.
It is interesting when I think about my relationship with clothes – when I am happy in myself and feeling confident, I find my relationship with clothes is easy – but when I am feeling unconfident or plagued by self-doubt, I have a tense and difficult relationship with clothes, wanting them to make me feel better or more confident. If i go clothes shopping from this point then I am in trouble because I know everything I buy will be tainted by this – I won’t see myself for who I am but through the lenses of all the ideas I have around how I should look.
I love this too Denise for I also find that the things that I love and suit my body figure and height, down to a ‘t’, find me… thus I do not have to spend a long time shopping which I am happy about as going in and out of shops for hours on end is very tiring and draining, which I no longer do.
It’s refreshing to read your experience with an addiction. Throughout my years in drug addiction and after that hell, shopping addiction which is definitely not as messy I can relate a bit to your feelings, I at a young age was quite traumatized and spent the next 20 years trying to deal with it or perhaps runaway from it. At first I just wanted to feel “happy ” but after countless years of therapy and rehab s I learnt how self centered I was. All I was really doing was trying not to accept my past and put my needs of feeling better ahead of everyone and everything else. It’s almost always not as simple as you put it and I’m here if you continue to struggle
When I cleared my mum’s wardrobes out a couple of years ago, she had certainly shopped to cover her emptiness and I could feel how I was following her pattern too. It was a time to look at what and why I was doing that and feeding the behaviour as you rightly explain Denise. When we are aware of that, it is quite easy to stop and re-imprint the behaviour.
Certainly awareness is the beginning of the arrest of ill behaviours, then comes some understanding, self care and a dedication to commit to life.
I used to buy lots of clothes in the past . This has changed now, my needing to have new clothes changed, it is now more about how I wear my clothes, the quality of how I wear it and which combination reflects me for the day.
buying clothes go hand by hand with the evolutionairy steps I make. If i change a lot i also need to have a different imprint with my clothes
I notice that I still save things for ‘special occasions’ rather than appreciating that any day or even everyday can be a day worth celebrating.
Oh yes Fiona I know that one too, saving clothes for special occasions, I can still do this, but it is now much less than before!
Yes I know this one too. But as you say, every day is worth celebrating. I also save clothes I haven’t worn for ages for a ‘just in case’ moment. Time to let go of this one. What am I waiting for, in either situation?!
So do I Fiona… this is something I need to look at too.
Great point Jane. If we feel solid in ourselves we will not be swayed by prices, gimmicks or pretty colours and we will be able to choose things that truly support us.
“I wasn’t filling an emptiness, I was feeding the emptiness.” Wow this applies to all addictions. Truly wise words.
I agree Leonne, well said, it brings a new light in understanding all addictions.
It is so different when you buy clothes from a need or emptiness compared to buy clothes that will confirm and support these amazing qualities in you to be lived in full. The clothes could be exactly the same however but it is the intention you buy them with that makes the real difference.
Shopping in our society is set up to entice and to lure and often comes with hooks and clearly an imposition or an expectation or even a manipulation to get you to buy. It takes a lot to feel this, see it for what it is and not fall for it. How amazing would it be to enter a shop where there was no imposition or expectation to purchase anything, and that you were free to really feel if you needed/wanted to buy something.
We can so get caught up in attempting to fill the void within with either shopping, food, activities, drinks etc etc. In the end these are all distractions for not wanting to feel an inner emptiness. But to allow oneself this awareness is key. And then from here we can understand our behaviours and hence begin to make changes from a point of understanding and not criticism of ourselves.