For all the relationship advice I have received over the years, I can safely say that little of it served me well; if anything it contributed only to the fact that I stayed in relationships that I really ought to have ended long before I did. In fact some of them I never should have started!
I do recall my mother’s not-so-sage advice when I was embarking on my first serious relationship where she said, “try living with three different men before you decide to marry as you don’t really know someone until you live with them!” Even when she told me that something in me thought, “But what if I decide it should have been the first or second one and l’ve already moved on!”
Fortunately this advice didn’t stick and nothing of it swayed my choices to be in a relationship or not, let alone whether to marry or not. I already knew that I would only marry if it felt right.
Thirty-five years down the track from that advice I HAVE married, a man I never expected to meet and one so beautifully compatible there was no question when it came to marrying him, no matter what number he was in the ‘lived-with’ stakes.
Regardless of this compatibility, which supported us to establish a very harmonious and easy day-to-day relationship, there was still the inevitable navigation of our particular idiosyncrasies, or to be more precise, the areas where we were each still inclined to get triggered by one another.
This would lead to inevitable small irritations and occasionally escalate into a more obvious annoyance. These moments were short-lived but seemed out of place within the usual harmonious flow we generally found ourselves in.
One day, after one of these moments, I pondered a little deeper on what was taking place and how it might be addressed. I had already tried the usual head-on approach with little receptivity, unsurprisingly!
I recalled a presentation I had attended on appreciation with Serge Benhayon and he’d said something that suddenly struck home.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”
(AWT Presentation July 9th on Appreciation, 2016)
Bingo! I knew that was the answer.
Being someone with a tendency until then to see faults well before I might acknowledge valuable attributes (both in myself and others), I pondered the potential impact of my husband not feeling the extent of appreciation for who he is and ALL that he brings that is true and amazing.
So we embarked on what became a fun and playful nightly exercise of sharing one thing each that we appreciated about the other that day, each time something that had never been expressed before. The stipulation was that these could not be things we had done at a functional level; we were nominating true qualities we could recognise as present in something the other had done or said. For example, one thing that emerged is my husband has an in-built radar for truth. He can pick the ‘untruth’ in almost any situation and nail it in a few words. He is seldom swayed by the outer appearance of things and can hone in on exactly what it is that is out of order.
What unfolded for me was nothing short of incredible, with every night revealing yet another aspect or detail to this beautiful man that I had not brought to the light of day and expressed in full before. Interestingly, I found the healing in this exercise was often felt more in the expressing than it was in receiving back.
Each time something of truth was shared, we both felt expansive and confirmed in who we are, being beautiful, most definitely divine and oh, so worthwhile!
Essentially what occurred in our relationship over the next six months was that we built a foundation of love and respect for each other’s true value, a foundation that is there to this day and leaves us feeling unshakeable as a couple. There can be no focus on faults, when what is amazing and true in each other is plain as day.
As well, and quite miraculously, we got to know each other in such an intricate and detailed way that those niggles previously mentioned just melted away. There is no longer any annoyance with each other; that is now something relegated to an amusing, distant memory.
Appreciation of one another’s true value is now a natural and constant exchange between us, no longer a pointed exercise, as it is now just part of the foundation we call our relationship.
So, what resulted from a simple but profoundly true statement by Serge Benhayon became the most sage piece of relationship advice I have yet to receive.
By Jennifer Ellis, Brisbane, Australia
Related Reading:
Appreciation in Relationships
Peeling Back the Layers of Appreciation
Making a Relationship about True Love
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
I appreciate the loving commitment you brought into the relationship by seeing the values of one another instead of the faults. What you have feels very nurturing, caring, and deeply enriching. This is a beautiful foundation to build in every single relationship we have.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before”, wow that’s a punchline of a statement. And as I read this, I realised several people I haven’t truly appreciated and see the issue at play, and being at the forefront.
This appreciation thing is so important as I do know when I’ve appreciated someone, the difference I can feel between us is truly felt by both. There’s more to appreciation than we realise and this isn’t something we would loosely do, it is done from the heart, and when it is, the other can receive it to their heart.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” – Jenni this is deeply revealing and deeply healing and shows us the responsibility we hold in the relationship, in all relationships including ourselves, to appreciate all there is to appreciate.
Henrietta I agree with you that these words
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”
are very revealing and a great support to shine a light on ourselves first as to why we have gone into reaction over something. I have a colleague at work and using this understanding I have been able to value them and to understand the pressures they put themselves under because they value the safety of work above the health of themselves. How many of us do this? Where we behave irrationally because we fear losing our job, bringing understanding and appreciation to the fact that so many of us live in the fear of losing our security that we will do almost anything to prevent this and what a huge set up we have all fallen for as it keeps us all less than who we are. Having this appreciation supports me to not react to them when they behave in ways that I feel are selfish, of course they are selfish because they are in survival mode, because we as a society chose to live in a ‘dog eat dog’ world.
Relationships are one of our fastest ways to grow and evolve – we reflect things to others and others reflect things to us, and this presents opportunities for us that allow growth and evolution should we choose to embrace this.
And how supportive is appreciation in contributing to us evolving.
Henrietta, it is true any relationships are fastest way to grow and evolve. Even the ugly ones we want to avoid and they are the ones we grow most from, but we often don’t observe it from this perspective.
Relationships are an important part of our lives. How else can we grow?
As has been said by Serge Benhayon, ‘Expression is everything’ – not expressing means we hold back the wisdom that would otherwise flow through us.
Appreciation from the Joy we are living is worth while sharing and thus we can deepen the relationship we have not only with God but the flow on to our partners and society.
“I had already tried the usual head-on approach with little receptivity, unsurprisingly!” Thanks for this line Jennifer, I hadn’t realised that I also have a head on approach at times which may be too confronting for some people. Something for me to bring more sensitivity to.
Melinda like you reading the head on approach I realised that this isn’t always the way that if I observe, observe, observe the energy reveals it self. I cannot always do this but when I do there is such clarity.
Beautiful to appreciate how powerful it is to express appreciation.
Very beautiful, and fun too, ‘we embarked on what became a fun and playful nightly exercise of sharing one thing each that we appreciated about the other that day, each time something that had never been expressed before.’
I do love this blog. I searched it out this morning as I recalled how significant this is for any relationship, not just that of our partners. Simple practical and something that can be enacted as shows by what has been shared here.
Absolutely Jennifer, applying this can support all of our relationships, ‘“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”
“Each time something of truth was shared, we both felt expansive and confirmed in who we are, being beautiful, most definitely divine and oh, so worthwhile!” We have such little focus on the beauty in ourselves and others, our life seems to be focused on the hurts we carry, and at times judgement, criticising, and being in protection. We tend to think we are not enough and are blind to what’s truly within ourselves. Life actually hurts without appreciation because it’s the view of everything that’s wrong and not as it ‘should’ be. When our mind is cluttered up with that negative focus on ourselves and others we really miss the magic.
Melinda I came to this understanding yesterday that
‘We have such little focus on the beauty in ourselves and others, our life seems to be focused on the hurts we carry, and at times judgement, criticising, and being in protection. We tend to think we are not enough and are blind to what’s truly within ourselves.’
I have been so busy navel gazing on my own hurts etc, I have not looked up to fully appreciate that the world is in a mess and we are all bereft of the magic of life, hence why in our disconnection to the magic that surrounds us we live like zombies.
Such great advice for any relationship, including friends and family. Sometimes I notice people can struggle to let in the love and accept the appreciation, but I still feel how valuable it is to express because it offers an opportunity to begin to receive love in a way we may not be used to.
We could also do this with ourself to support our relationship with self, ‘The stipulation was that these could not be things we had done at a functional level; we were nominating true qualities we could recognise as present in something the other had done or said.’
I’m reminded about another piece of relationship advice… not just restricted to one’s partner but all relationships, and that is: if there is something that comes up, then to take responsibility for my part in it. When you then add appreciating another it just cuts through my self oriented responses of blame or denial of one’s own role, and gets to work on the reaction that we can all so easily fall into.
Love this “If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” Bingo indeed. Thank you for sharing.
No matter who we are with in a relationship (friendship, romance, family etc) and who we live with, there will be areas that challenge us and areas that will delight us with the other person. We can of course focus on the challenges and forget the beauty or we can focus on the beauty and allow that to light the way through the challenges. Either way both have a purpose and if we see this for what is on offer, we can make that much more out of it and grow together.
Every relationship we enter into is simply another opportunity to learn from another about ourselves and this is the blessing and the gift.
This can be so expanding for us, ‘Each time something of truth was shared, we both felt expansive and confirmed in who we are, being beautiful, most definitely divine and oh, so worthwhile!’
True appreciation is something that can never be downplayed our underestimated. The perfect way to meander through the fog of our created issues.
When we know the truth of who someone is, we will accept nothing less than the glory of who they are.
“There can be no focus on faults, when what is amazing and true in each other is plain as day.” Focusing on faults undermines relationship as it diminishes the love while appreciation establishes and expands confidence, trust and deepens love.
Appreciating those in our life feels far more healthy than being all grumpy and begrudging. As they say, life is too short.
I love this in respect of appreciation, ‘If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.’
This quote from Serge Benhayon changed how you were approaching your relationship. The wisdom in his words ignited yours to realize what could be the next step to take and the blessing that was for you both. Love this fact which inspires me to appreciate the imprint that Serge is leaving in my life as well.
Inma more importantly Serge Benhayon has changed the world. What he is able to bring through via the Ageless Wisdom teaching exposes the rot we live in, by fully exposing every minute detail. This allows space for everyone to see through the lies of creation and understand just how controlled we all are. Yes we are lied to by governments, religion, education but all these institutions were instigated by the energy that had total domination over us until the Ageless Wisdom via Serge Benhayon exposed them.
This is very beautiful to read Jennifer. I find inspiring how you as a couple support and deeply appreciating each other day by day. Definitely a relationship based on true appreciation is really powerful and unshackable.
Appreciation works absolute magic. When I apply this fact I am blown away by the impact. What I have come to learn though is that true appreciation has to be founded in my relationship with myself – if I am not feeling it in me, then there is no depth in my expression of it to another. And I love the purpose and responsibility this brings to my relationship with myself.
Well said Matilda. What we practice and live in our own lives others feel. When they are receiving appreciation from another who lives appreciation in there own life, you can’t help but feel the truth of this. Nothing fake nor put on here, but a depth of truth coming from a body that is living that truth, communicated to another body where that truth has been seen and very much appreciated. So that that person can easily connect to and feel that quality within themselves. So so beautiful.
When what we share comes from our body as a lived experience the sharing has a much grander effect.
I love and adore my gorgeous husband and we express appreciation for and to each other many times a day every day – it would be impossible not to – however we have not done it “formally” in the specific way you have outlined. That sounds like a lot of fun so I will suggest to him that we give it a go!
I was feeling into this as I was reading the blog and realising that it takes one to appreciate another without any formality to start to see change which means we can apply this approach to anyone and my feeling is that they would naturally start to appreciate back.
Reading these comments is impulsing me to start appreciating some people from afar, just appreciating them without me saying anything to them.
I am always amazed at how little I know myself until someone says what qualities they know me to live by. We take ourselves for granted and dont appreciate ourselves, so we dont really know ourselves. This ritual of sharing of appreciation heals all that.
Appreciation is something that is very much foundational to all relationships, including the one we have with ourselves. It does take consistent practice to connect and feel our inner qualities and then move in a way where we claim these qualities our ourselves. Like the practice you established with your husband, the appreciation was key to knowing each other and yourselves at a much deeper level.
Absolutely. Appreciation is key and its true quality can only be lived if we have a strong relationship with it for ourselves.
And a relationship is an ongoing commitment to deepen with another person.
And how beautiful is that, being appreciated and starting to know yourselves at a much deeper level.
A beautiful example of what we think are our issues are not issues at all. Sage advice that is a practical and living wisdom.
The purpose of movement in space is the offering of God in motion and repose.
What a great program to put yourselves on. It’s a far cry from what we usually do in our relationships of looking for the faults and blaming others.
Gives a whole new angle on date night, every night.
Expressing our appreciation can sometimes feel easy and natural yet at other times it can be very uncomfortable. Opening my heart and welcoming people into my heart supports me to express; I am learning to make it about the relationship and the letting go of that which is getting in the way of my evolution and the evolution of others.
What an incredible program to put yourselves on – truly inspiring.
When we focus on the faults of another we diminish them, when we focus on appreciating them we confirm and love them and by that they blossom.
and the same applies with ourselves and our inner conversations.
A story like this bucks the trend that relationships get more stale the longer you are in them. #appreciationkeepusalive
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” SB (AWT Presentation July 9th on Appreciation, 2016)
Best relationship advice I ever heard. Everyone (including yourself) is so uniquely amazing and focusing on just that is simply magical.
We too have adopted a version of such an exercise in our relationship and found that any issue or drama we may hold onto about the other is exposed to be so small and insignificant we were wonder why we hold onto them.
“Essentially what occurred in our relationship over the next six months was that we built a foundation of love and respect for each other’s true value…” – how different this (love) is to the normal and usual foundation of barter in relationship and the clocking of what we “do” for each other to count as “love”.
Why do we need relationship advice, when the very vehicle that has relationships with people, feels and knows everything?
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”
(AWT Presentation July 9th on Appreciation, 2016)
Such sound, wise words from a true master on relationships. What an incredibly valuable piece of advice this is, and we would do well to pass it on to our children and grandchildren so that they may enter into any relationship with this understanding.
I deeply appreciate meeting people I have a conflict with because they give me an opportunity to consider what I have not appreciated about what they are reflecting to me or me to them. The issue may be one we recognise is impassable for now, but either way, there is more appreciation of the different ways humans approach conflict that needs further investigation!
That is so true. When I have an issue with someone, I often thought ‘I never liked that person in the first place’ and that would be the point I bring down the person to and hold them in judgment based on whatever I perceived them done wrong, and I am already refusing to see their true quality and appreciate them for who they truly are, and that would be reflected in the way I would meet and communicate with them, and there’s very little chance for salvaging the situation. Trying to appreciate someone who I am already having a difficult time with is a bit of a challenge, but I can already feel how it would serve to let go of judgment and preconception even just for a little while and allow myself to just observe.
The things about relationships is we need to be open to what there is to learn, understanding they are a work in progress and committed to grow together plants great oak trees. Often we demand so much from them but we do not offer them much, I say never put up with abuse, but always be honest about your part in the relationship and things will often blossom and grow.
I know amazing, and such a supportive quote, for us to really ponder, so quickly we jump to blame and judgement – this can put a stop to that.
Blame and Judgement feel like poison in the body – why would we even consider doing that to ourselves or others? There is a magic and joy in appreciation and an endless amount to appreciate.
This is such a beautiful blog as it reminds us that appreciation fosters evolution.
What an excellent exercise… Something that we can bring into all relationships.
I wonder if what is needed to start a relationship is to be ready to deal with whatever will come up, however hard. If that is not the case, then something might be missing from the relationship as it is either controlled or will end.
Yes that willingness from the get-go is such a great place to start. There will be differing perspectives on all sorts of things but the willingness to deal with whatever comes up is part and parcel of the commitment to Love each other and take responsibility for what we bring to the relationship.
Appreciation is a game changer. It feels amazing to appreciate someone else (you are, in effect, getting yourself out of the way and are being honest with yourself and others) and feels equally awesome to be appreciated. It’s super easy to do as well – I’m sitting on a train and I can look about the carriage and appreciate something about everyone here…what they’re wearing, how they’ve done their make up or hair, their posture in their seat, etc. There’s always so much to appreciate.
Thank you for the reminder Jenny – this advice is GOLDEN and obviously applies to all relationships, whether it is with an intimate partner, housemate, work college, family member etc. OR even with ourselves… if we have a problem with and/ or are being hard on ourselves it’s highly possible that we have not come close to appreciating the quality of who we are in that moment.
When advice comes from our head, it is often an excuse of why we can be in a situation we know is actually far from loving – thus abusive to us.
There are so many pieces of advice out there on how to have the perfect relationship – but it is so essential we are honest with ourselves and to deeply appreciate what we bring and what another brings. It also shows where issues stem from and how we can actually be in a relationship with no issues if we choose it.
Oh I so needed to read this today, thank you. I have a couple of issues with people at the moment and the words from Serge Benhayon is exactly what I needed to read.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” And I realize it starts with appreciating myself and holding myself with love at all moments. Then there can’t be an issue, neither with me nor another. I feel like I am just starting to live this, like dipping my toe in the water, whilst my body knows this as a truth.
Yes, we are actually returning to something that is so natural and innate in us. We have made the opposite our reality so it asks us to consciously apply and almost mechanically start doing these things again so it becomes our everyday livingness again.
When we are ready the most amazing things can happen. The key is to get ready.
It is a little odd but the truth is most of us have not learned how to express appreciation, or more truthfully we have unlearned expressing it.Yet expressing our appreciation is a big part of our personal healing journey and a way back to open and intimate relationships.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” The lived wisdom of a wise man and I love how you have made it practical with your partner with now having a loving foundation in your relationship and this cannot but expand to other relationships for you both.
I loved rereading your blog Jennifer and it is so true, if ever we have an issue with someone we have not appreciated what the bring nor the potential of the relationship in whichever form it may be.
So true. The appreciation provides a backbone in the relationship like a stem of a plant. As you describe, when we give it attention – ‘water’ – by expressing in appreciation on a daily basis what the other brings the potential of the relationship comes out like a flower. I am going to take your experience as welcome advice into my relationship.
It feels like appreciation cuts through the otherwise shallow falsities we might hang onto another person for whatever reason. Appreciation makes us look deeper into the true features of a person.
Yes and that highlights the challenge. Are we wanting others to feed our lack of self worth or are we in a relationship for equal learning?
Yes Jenny, fully embracing and living even one of the drops from heaven shared by Serge Benhayon is life-changing. It is beautiful to feel the constant expansion of your relationship.
your comment stopped me for a moment, a moment in which I deeply appreciated how rich each drop that is shared by Serge Benhayon is and how far it can bring us in life if truly examined and brought into our way of living.
Absolutely right Jennifer, we know exactly when we meet the right person for us, and when we go out with someone, and it doesn’t feel right, then we need to listen because our body knows.
And it can be very helpful to find out / read why something doesn’t feel right. It could be the wrong person or it could be the person doing something out of anxiety (like smoking when they usually don’t) and nominating it out loud could make all the difference.
Your first paragraph was certainly written for me to read and read again. I too took on relationship advice from others and added to that many accepted beliefs which had been presented to me since I was young, and yes, I took these with me as I headed into relationships that ought to have never seen the light of day. But now that I have seen the relationship light, so to speak, that advice and those beliefs have been relegated to where they belong, in the ‘past their use by date’ pile.
“Being someone with a tendency until then to see faults well before I might acknowledge valuable attributes (both in myself and others) ..” – very relatable Jenny, self-critique with the cross of perfection to sabotage self-value or appreciation. No wonder there’s disharmony in relationships, friendships, partnerships and so on.
Yes, once we choose not to express and receive love the entire gamut of distractions can intervene.
‘I found the healing in this exercise was often felt more in the expressing than it was in receiving back.’ Expressing love and letting love out, for this is who we are, is always healing.
The wisdom of Serge Benhayon develops every area of your life, by starting within, and that can’t help but flow out to those around you.
Beautifully said Heather and the exact sense I was getting – the application of any teaching from Serge Benhayon can be applied within first before it is made a part of one’s living way then this touches all other aspects of life. The science is gorgeous.
“There can be no focus on faults, when what is amazing and true in each other is plain as day.” I really really love this, I think we can predominantly focus on each others faults or how another doesn’t fulfil our needs or what we want – these are such tiny things when we look at the grandness and the magnificence of the person in front of us.
When the focus is on what is amazing and true in the other, there is simply no space for focusing on faults and being annoyed about them.
I think everyone can relate to the irritations in relationships – whether it’s a partner, child, parent, employee and so on. It makes sense for appreciation to be the antidote, because in the heat of the irritated moment there has already been moments of expectations and a condition or two to be met, so when appreciation is exercised, that person is no longer held in the failure of meeting that condition… in other words, irritation gone.
Well said, Rachel, for irritation and reaction to occur we do have to have a picture, a condition or an investments and thus we are not bringing love and all of us to the relationship. Appreciation of the other but just as much of ourselves is the perfect antidote.
A great sharing Jennifer and I totally get what is shared here, how when we do not appreciate, we can easily find ourselves in issues down the track, and that appreciation extends to both ourselves and the other.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” SB This is a real show stopper probably for most if us at some point in our lives. A simple moment of appreciation for another, however small can be significant enough to start to turn around any relationship that may otherwise be challenging.
Where do we relate to another from matters a great deal. It pre-disposes us totally differently.
What a beautifully written wise blog. I have read this before and knew the value that was there in it. There is a question here because I know how this works. So what in you would not take up this loving exercise with your own partner? Is it not funny (not haha) that we can potentially have the best in relationships but we do not choose it. For me I have ultimately realised that appreciation takes one to be responsible about truly loving and adoring yourself in every moment .. before others. Depending on the relationship with yourself or another both are important.
Gosh what if we all lived this piece of advice or truth “If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” The world and all of our relationships would be completely different! Thank you for sharing this its Absolute Gold as anything shared by Serge Benhayon is ✨
What a very beautiful blog Jenny and what more needs to be said, for you have said it all. You have inspired me, I have played a similar game with my new partner but not every night and not a new thing each time. I love the simplicity of just one thing new each night.
Serge Benhayon totally lives and walks his talk. He has the most amazing, loving relationships with his wife, previous wife, many children, grandchildren and thousands of others – he is well qualified to speak about relationships and his advice is awesome. I have observed many other people who have terrible relationships freely giving relationship advice of the standard of their relationship, so I would say always look at how someone lives their own life before considering what they say and how it resonates with you.
Yes, Nicola, Serge Benhayon makes every relationship about evolution, and no relationship is any more important the another, because each provides an opportunity to expand love in the entire universe. We diminish ourselves when we see the power of each interaction as less than this.
That is so true. Serge Benhayon inspires us to be the more that we all are.
I love the simplicity in this advice and simple advice is always the best advice. When it’s too complicated it’s too hard to apply and it won’t work.
“There can be no focus on faults, when what is amazing and true in each other is plain as day.” Beautiful words Jennifer and very true about what the power of appreciation can do for relationships.
This is a beautiful reminder Jenny of the power of appreciation, it simply gets us to focus on the ‘what is’ allowing all our relationships to expand and truly evolve.
Very true Jenny. Knowing that we are first and foremost made out of love, we should always see each other deeply for that equal loving being. Even if we live in an opposite way of that love. Let those who observe be the wise and love all everyone in good and bad days.
I love coming back to your blog Jenny it is a great reminder that picking faults with someone never works and creates unnecessary conflict. I know as soon as I appreciate someone then what ever needs to be said is said in a loving way and not with criticism or judgement.
I agree Alison and the same applies in relation to how we speak to ourselves!
This is so true Alison – ‘picking faults with someone never works” – it might make us feel justified at that moment in time but the conflict that will ensue is only going to complicate the situation even more, not heal it. Whereas appreciation of another opens a doorway to growing the relationship in many wonderful, and often unexpected, ways.
Too many of us in relationships seem to put too much focus on our partners faults which over time can erode the relationship, but what you have presented here is the total remedy for that, through appreciation we can strengthen and grow our relationships to new levels.
That focus leads to resentment and accumulated resentments may be one of the biggest reasons why people split up as even small issues can become extremely hurtful.
And what I appreciate most about your nightly ritual Jennifer is that we can apply this same principle to our work colleagues, our family and friends… anyone and everyone. It’s a genuine game changer….
and of course ourselves 🙂
I find appreciation is like the cement – without it gaps appear and things can come in with it and nothing can come between 2 people.
Wise words James, thank you.
Thank you Melinda, and a reminder for me to appreciate more and more!
When one really stops and considers something to appreciate about another, even if it is someone that has been abusive towards you, there is always something there to appreciate (in my experience), even if it is a small thing, and shows by seeing the beauty inside someone first before all the behaviours that may mask it, we can heal our relationships through more understanding.
““If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” I love reading this sentence because it rings so true in my body. All issues really come from a lack of appreciation in some way.
Appreciation changes everything from what we don’t like to what supports us. It changes our whole perception that life is here to support and love us.
Sometimes just a few words from another can change our life forever.
“Relationship Advice” – i spent years searching and trying to get the best advice on relationships [to get “a relationship ie partner] until one day a friend suggested so dearly to me to stop thinking that being on my own is a handicap! Thus began the best relationship and one which I’ve been enjoying over the years, deepening it until today – and that is the relationship with myself.
What you offered here Jenny in regards to true appreciation really does go so much deeper than our usual superficial level that right now I am feeling for myself has got more to do with a self-centred neediness than true appreciation for the qualities that someone brings to the world. So much of our ‘appreciation’ seems to be based on ‘What have you done for me or someone else lately’, and feels quite hollow. I look forward to practicing this in a deeper way now with all my relationships.
It makes so much sense that cherishing and honouring each other by appreciating all that it there, is the antidote to any criticism or annoyance, as it then will outweigh any negative thought that wants to creep in.
To share one thing that we appreciate about each other every day – wow, what a great appreciation programme, and when you set about that you can’t but be making love in your everyday interactions with each other.
At the moment there is a real call for my partner and I to deepen our relationship and allow more intimacy in, and this sharing is a treat to read as it shows that intimacy can be in conversation. And I know that it starts with that. The more we talk about true things we feel or observe, the more love I feel and can therefore express to him.
This is so beautiful. Having read this blog some months ago I remember it when I have an issue with someone. I remember the quote you shared – “If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” Thank you for highlighting this. It brings love to any situation. It has helped me beyond words.
Loved coming back to your blog Jennifer I can feel how you have truly embraced your relationship and through Serge’s quote recognised the change you needed to make. It is also a great reminder for me to stop and appreciate rather than jumping into fault finding and the disturbance in the relationship this causes.
We can often search for relationships advice and ‘think’ that others have the answers only. Stopping to feel what is true and not true in all our movements is a great start to initiate our responsibility towards respect and love and all else that follows.
Very wise relationship advice Jenny that you are now passing on as an ageless lived gem of wisdom yourself. I agree how often relationship advice is never offered me the truth – this proves that love in relationship is not truly being lived. The true reflection of relationship that has ever been offered to me is from Serge and Miranda Benhayon. Its stupendous. I admire how they catch any form of tension before it even enters into the relationship when most find it normal to live with tension on a daily moment to moment basis. Going back to basics of having respect and decency goes along way.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” This is a great one to take into every day, with all the interactions we have with each other.
Head on approach vs melting away approach. After reading this, I know which one feels nicer (after doing many many many head on approaches in my time 🙂 )
Indeed when we appreciate another’s quality rather than something they do we confirm who they are in essence, love.
And then it does not matter how much or how little we do. It does not matter if they are rich or poor, eloquent, educated, sporty, tall or short…. we all have a divine quality. How much are we living it?
There is such a difference between appreciating the function and the quality – the function is like the clothing someone is wearing while the quality is an aspect of the person.
There does seem to be a lot of should’s and must do’s when it comes to relationships these days. So, what ever happened to the sweetness of simply falling in love with a person and dedicating ourselves to that love, and to exploring ourselves in that love, with all the learning and making of mistakes that follows. Surely it is better to dive in full and give it all you’ve got with every ounce of love you have, rather than following the rules about what should or should not happen, which are usually centred around not getting hurt. In my experience however, getting hurt in relationships is an inevitability. But that is not what really matters. What really matters is how much of the love that you are have you brought to that relationship – regardless of the hurts and the fears.
Bringing this sort of appreciation to any relationship is bound to sort things out, how wonderful a world we would live in if we could only bring this sort of appreciation to all our relationships? Even our relationship with nature and all it holds for us.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”
(AWT Presentation July 9th on Appreciation, 2016) This beautiful quote is key to the quality of our true relationship with others. There is so much to appreciate in the midst of the detritus of the self-interested war against oneself.
We can never write too much about appreciation… I love working with this in workshops and discussions. Recently when there was a lot of resistance to even starting to let appreciation in, we likened it to letting the words of appreciation feel like sunlight, and allow them to shine through… Why would you want to cut yourself off from sunlight?
Exploring the true meaning of respect recently I realized that I somehow took it for granted that I am respectful and thus haven´t given it too much thought in the past, but by taking a closer look I exposed the arrogance and ignorance that often runs as an undercurrent of judgments and expectations and keeps me from fully appreciating and accepting another person for who they are and where they are at. That deficiency in respect inescapably becomes the hindrance for having a deep connection, intimacy and trust with each other and usually plays out in reactions, rights and wrongs, ‘because of you’-phrases etc., no matter if this is openly expressed or just a suppressed internal conversation in my mind.
Like many of Serge’s quotes and comments – they may be brief but there is a profound wisdom that underlies them all. So even living one of these, in full, is and can be life changing. Consider that he has books and books of these and you start to get an appreciation for the gold that is out there.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”
(AWT Presentation July 9th on Appreciation, 2016)
I was just reading this and thinking this applies to one self as well.
How unifying and confirming it is when we openly share and express our appreciation for each other. Thankyou Jennifer for sharing how the power of appreciation can deepen our relationships with love and truth, whilst resorting trust in knowing and living who we really are.
Love is always simple. No complication or drama, simple teachings and revelations and profound deepening in our relationships with each other.
Love it – the power of experiential practice over a theory. There is plenty of knowledge out there in the world that does not really get us anyway, and not so much livingness which is the real gold needed.
Having just come back to this blog I have also recognised that unless I live the truth then it means nothing and still remains knowledge. Learning to appreciate is the antidote to finding fault in another and allows a stop moment to feel whether what I am about to offer is needed and if it is how am I going to say it.
Try living with three different people… interesting advice. It shows me how so often we try to live to a formula, compartmentalising something so we don’t have to feel every moment, connect deeply with everyone. I think better advice for me would have been ‘just be in relationship with yourself first’ when I do that I automatically connect to everyone I meet.
When an issue arises we seem to have two choices; to either get frustrated and angry at someone, or choose to see a) our responsibility and role in the situation and b) that the person may be acting differently to their normal self as a result of things happening in their life. Jumping to conclusions and judging does nothing to evolve the issue, but bringing in understanding can offer a different path for the conversation to go and inspire the quality of the situation to come back to respect, love, decency etc.
It certainly highlights how holding steady in our connection to truth is everything, allowing us the insight, awareness and ability to respond with truth, love and care in any situation.
You really feel the difference when relationship advice is delivered by people who have a deeply loving relationship with everyone, not just their partner. I attended a relationship workshop with Annette and Gabe yesterday and the room of women felt very settled and surrendered as we explored our familial role models of intimacy and what it actual is. As only 10 women in the room felt they had true role models when they were growing up, it shows that not many people are really in a position to give relationship advice.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” – i just love these words of wisdom they really makes so much sense … Appreciation takes away the spiky thorn leaving instead in its place a bud to bloom and blossom. And there is nothing to not love about this!
It is amazing when we experience something we have heard or learnt… the magic of turning knowledge (stuff we know in our heads) into something that is lived and known in our bodies.
Choosing appreciation as the foundation for all our relationships, starting with the one with ourselves, literally changes everything and I am totally up for continuing to explore and deepen this experience. Thank you, Jennifer.
How often do we lead with the faults and negativity of a person or a situation (never more than 5%), rather than appreciating all that they are, the qualities inherently in them, and flavouring that with a good dose of understanding of their circumstances, their day, their upbringing? Its gorgeous when you approach someone from this – it feels full and rich and the rest just becomes a speck you might ask them to flick off their very gorgeous shoulders.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” What a solid gold nugget that is. This dissolves tension simply by reading it. If we apply this to our relationships it could transform them.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” – WOW this is a show stopper -another deeply profound piece of wisdom that asks us to take responsibility for how we are in the world.
Breaks the beliefs that come flooding in with the blame game.
It sure is a show stopper – so often we can go into blaming or judging the other person.The more I start to see and take responsibility for my part in the world and what is before me the less I react to others and what is going on around me. Simply stopping to ask myself ok so what am I being shown here and why gives me a much deeper understanding of what is going on rather than simply staying with purely what my eyes see and ears hear.
Thank you Jennifer, your blog is one of those perennial pieces that I can come back to and apply to my relationships. It’s so common to want to fault find and fix, or finger point in relationships, and whilst we do so we miss seeing the bigger picture of the qualities we all have and appreciating those. Appreciation is definitely a foundation for love.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” It is such a true statement the moment we deeply appreciate another there are no issues.
Appreciation about mere function, whilst great can come empty from the safety of ones mind. When one truly expresses from their heart about the true quality of a person and what they bring there is a definite feeling of open exquisiteness and expansion. A feeling perhaps rarely felt in most conversations and interactions but a feeling nonetheless that ought to be the norm.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”- This is certainly the simplest, yet most profound key to building true relationships and letting go of any protective guard where we blame someone else for not staying open and loving with them. When I have allowed myself to appreciate someone’s natural qualities (even thought they may have previously done something I felt to be harming or unloving) it has felt like the judgement of them kind of melts away, and is replaced by at least a greater understanding of what is going on for them and why.
“I recalled a presentation I had attended on appreciation with Serge Benhayon and he’d said something that suddenly struck home “If ever you have an issue with someone it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before” that’s worth appreciating when out of the blue when most sincerely feeling into what can support you and your relationship you recall one of the thousands of Serge’s profound sayings that is so pertinent for that moment and your willingness to embrace by putting it into practice. Simply beautiful Jenny.
My family and I have taken a short three days get away and we have been playing some appreciation games while we are away, one of them has been fluffing up the simplest of tasks and really going to town on them. We were in an elevator and I was just playing around with how amazing the elevator ride was, “it’s like a rocket, it’s like a ride, its lifting us up in the air, all the way to the top of this building!” Watching the kids eyes while I was mucking around made me remember that we create our own reality and that life is what we make it.
I know that if another has lived that truth I resonate with it so much more. I am more likely to try it as I am inspired by another whose actions confirm their words.
“nominating true qualities we could recognise as present in something the other had done or said.” This is a great activity for all to part-take in, in all areas of life, relationships, situations.
I totally agree Irena for all too often we only focus on the negatives.
I agree Irena as by nominating it we get to pause for a second and bring it into our awareness and that of the other.
This quote puts a whole new spin on our justifications and judgement we hold against another. “If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”
So true Irena, bringing this truth to all our relationships, especially with ourselves first, will be an amazing and loving support.
““If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” I love this quote because it offers us a chance to truly observe others and their qualities and be touched by what they have to share. Appreciation is a forever expanding movement that not only confirms one but holds all equally so and that is a very cool movement indeed.
Appreciation keeps coming up as being the missing ingredient in so many aspects of life. We automatically jump to stages 2, 3, 4 or 5 but miss this simplest and most profound 1st step. It costs nothing and confirms all that is right setting a foundation for whatever is next. So simple, and so missed.
This is the beauty about Serge Benhayon, what he says makes sense and the truth can be deeply felt and it is simple, never complicated.
This is so true Esther. I so appreciate this incredible man.
“Relationship Advice” – when you truly feel it, you know it.. and so what more is needed in following through on what is felt dancing within every cell? Cells no know length of time, age, background, career, .. only truth.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” This is such brilliant advice, when I appreciate someone and I find I cannot find fault in them, i find it also helps to know that we’re learning together and there’s are things you will have already learnt or mastered that I haven’t and vice versa.
This is true and profound relationship advice; it works, it’s simple, doesn’t cost any money and it works. Appreciating ourselves and appreciating the other confirms us and provides the platform for the next step in deepening and bringing evermore love into a relationship.
There is a momentum as well that tries to push us another way while at the same point I totally agree. If we get lost or everything is in overwhelm or defeated then appreciation is the supportive hand up. It’s not putting on a bright face but as is said more a “platform” for the next step or part.
I can and have done this, we can be quick to see what is not working rather than hold someone in what is amazing about who they are…”Being someone with a tendency until then to see faults well before I might acknowledge valuable attributes (both in myself and others), ” It is a habit that we learn and it is normal to moan, blame and look outside of things that are not working, or working rather than to feel from within. Great to bring appreciation in to the focus.
Jennifer, this is such an incredibly joyful blog on appreciation! Love the honesty with which you share what brought you and your husband to look deeper into what you appreciate in each other, and the playful approach you took in doing so highlighting the magical transformation that can take place through the art of appreciation alone.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” This is great because it stops any need to blame another, rather it brings an understanding of what is going on for us so that we can bring understanding to another.
I was going to highlight exactly the same part, a simple sentence that carries with it so so much.if you bring it into action. We can apply this anywhere, anytime and then in time a magical change is sure to occur in how we view the world. In the “well before” we can also see how we truly are, in that we are greater then we are currently living being that the “issue” comes well after the point we have felt to move in another way.
Me too Ray and Elizabeth, this sentence says much in few words. How ready we can be to jump in, see issues and fail to appreciate the person in front of us. Timely to be reminded of this.
As far as “relationship advice” goes you could bank on this one making a real and true difference, appreciation, it goes further then we currently can see.
I agree Ray you could apply this anywhere, the more we appreciate what we’ve got the sweeter, more richer more amazing life becomes.
We should apply this everywhere and the deeper “we appreciate” who we already are and what is around us our view of the world changes. A lot of the time we can find ourselves ‘right in the thick of things’ and unable to see beyond what is there. Appreciation offers us space, space to view the entire picture and allows you a step out of the ‘thickness’ that has been created. This gives us the view that is alway and forever available to us where we observe was is truly going on in place of stepping in and trying to push it another way.
Yes, it comes back to self-responsibility, when we consider the whole rather than just an issue we are focusing on. We hold one another in Love, issues are small fry in comparison with the Love and Beauty that is available if we are willing to see it and feel it.
It is funny (or not so funny!) how we tend to find the flaws in both ourselves and others rather than appreciate! This is really inspiring what you have shared and something I mentioned to a couple after they expressed to me how they had been arguing. I pointed them to your blog and said maybe have a nightly routine of appreciating each other? This is something we can all do, not just partners but friends as well. I think the key thing you have shared here with this is for it to be honest, sincere and about a true quality (not functional) and of course …. FUN 🙃
Sometimes the last thing you want to do is appreciate someone when the focus has been on the negative for so long. But over time this changes and when I focus on the blessings I have from those in my life it does dissolve the annoyances.
A beautiful exercise that shows us how to see more of who, not only a partner, but anyone we are in relationship with, truly is. A great way for the imperfections to no longer take centre stage, but the beautiful qualities that they have in abundance.
Love this quote from Serge ‘“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” He has also shared that appreciation is a great contradiction to comparison and jealousy. All very useful markers as to how we are in relationship……
Love this… This quote brings you to a complete halt offering a complete assessment of our own behaviour… “If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”
One question that I would ask if someone were to ask me for advice is: is the relationship there to satisfy a need or is it there to support both of you to be students of life and grow in each other’s arms?
As I see in the reflection of others who feel a lack of appreciation for themselves and what they bring reading this blog today really does bring home to me a call for a greater love towards myself – to appreciate me and what I bring. Thank you Jenny for sharing.
‘..a call for a greater love towards myself…’ So true, Caroline – for how can we feel appreciation in others if we have not first felt it in ourselves?
Could it be when we let go of all our protection we see everyone as one equal first and foremost? Then it is simple to feel that we can never have an issue with them and if we do we have judged or condemned them because of an issue we have. So I understand Jenny that when Serge Benhayon shares a quote as above there is so much depth in the words that can unfold for us! “If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”
The power of appreciation, ‘Each time something of truth was shared, we both felt expansive and confirmed in who we are, being beautiful, most definitely divine and oh, so worthwhile!’
So inspiring Jenny to re-read your blog this morning and remind myself to step up with this little, but powerful, exercise in my own household. I have observed lately that I have been appreciative of acts that have been done but not so acknowledging of the beauty of the beings-ness and inner qualities of my house-mate.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” Awesome. Perfect. I know this but so often forget. It can be easy to fall into the trap of berating someone if we have been doing it for a long time and if we have past hurts that are fuelling our expression. Reacting in this way serves no one but to stop and allow appreciation into our exchange turns the tide and gives an opportunity to break down barriers and confirm us in the love that has always been there.
How much of what we have been told is old wives tails to keep us from the truth, or the things that are made up on the spot because of the energy we are in and nothing to do with sound advice as we can read the Truth of what a person is able to hear. Life would be so much simpler when we allow our-self to reconnect to our Essence and develop relationships that support our evolution.
My husband and I now do this as a nightly ritual, thanks to this amazing blog. I can feel that what it offers is so much more than might meet the eye.
We think relationship advice is about how to deal with another person but I am finding that it is about me and how I react in certain situations, how I can lose my connection and forget to be loving, in fact I can be quite nasty at times and it is simply an old hurt that I have not yet dealt with and instead of feeling it I am projecting onto another.
Yes, we learn to project everything out of ourselves in life, all the while all the answers lie within us, and we have the power for change simply by working with and on ourselves.
Just love this quote from Serge Benhayon Jenny. It turns it all around..’If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.’
It is really beautiful Jenny that you did not give up on the slight conflict that was happening and instead went deeper, and then the answer was there . . . waiting to drop in to facilitate the evolution of a truly wonderful relationship .
A beautiful sharing Jenny on the power of appreciation and what it brings to all our relationships – it is key to transforming any relationship and supporting it to become more loving and true.
I love how you have described that irritation and annoyance does not support an otherwise natural growth and development in a relationship, appreciation does.
Maybe we should heed the advice of how well do we know and appreciate ourselves as we bring ourselves to a relationship.
What a gorgeous sharing of how we can deepen our relationships. Appreciation is so much a key to building a foundation. It seems like you have truly brought this into your relationship and it feels like an amazing reflection to others.
Don’t we love being loving? Isn’t it easy and natural to us? Yet so often in life we find ourselves being terse, rude and harsh. Who likes this behaviour? Not us, so how comes it goes on so much in this world? Your sharing here Jennifer helps me see that it’s a lack of responsibility at heart – for we are all made to appreciate everything, every day not dwell on small irritations and mistakes.
When I look at the state of most of our relationships, be it with our partners, work colleagues, kids etc. it is no wonder that you have not received much useful relationship advice. I will never forget one of the first relationship workshops held by Serge Benhayon. We all thought we would get great advice on our relationships with others but it was all about our relationship with ourselves. This is where it all starts and our lack of focus on ourselves can be the root of many of our issues (that we thought were someone else’s fault!)
Thank you for sharing this Jenny… it is so inspiring…
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”
Appreciating someone way before anything else they may do or say is revolutionary for us as a humanity. How often do we actually do this?! First we tend to judge, then the person has to prove themselves, and if/when they tick the right boxes, only then do we consider maybe appreciating them!
You could say that our initial meetings with people that have since become a huge part of our lives were ‘lucky’ or down to chance, but what if every relationship in our lives was a constellation and actually part of a much bigger plan, supporting both parties to learn, evolve and grow.
Indeed Susie – there are no coincidents, though we may sometimes find that hard to accept.
‘So we embarked on what became a fun and playful nightly exercise of sharing one thing each that we appreciated about the other that day, each time something that had never been expressed before.’ – This is what I call true medicine for a relationship – Love it!
Wow, Eva, feeling in to ‘true medicine for a relationship’ puts a whole new spin on the way I look at relationship advice!
This is a beautiful confirmation of the law of energy, in that what we focus on simply magnifies. Focus on the niggles then they will get bigger – focus on the amazing qualities in someone and this is what is magnified and this is what we see and feel first and foremost. We already know this, but putting it into practice is something we don’t often do. It’s wonderful to read of how this transformed your relationship.
The freedom to naturally express is key, otherwise we start to hold things back and then eventually they bubble over and burst out. If there is ever a moment you think I shouldn’t say that to my partner then you have to ask yourself how truly open and intimate are you really willing to be.
Appreciation changes so much. Taking our 1st relationship with ourselves the more we appreciate ourselves the more we start to see our life changing and then we also start to appreciate everything and everyone around us. And the more we open ourselves up the more we see. Of course at any moment we can choose not to and return back to the struggle and thinking everything and everyone is against us if we so wish but we just need to remember that’s also simply our choice!
True communication is so empowering. When we build this as a foundation, then a relationship continues to deepen. This example of sharing each other’s qualities is so beautiful and really reflects how much we can bring to a relationship simply by dropping our guards and speaking the truth.
Appreciation is absolute Gold, it is the best gift we can give ourselves and another, appreciation really is the antidote to arguments.
Beginning to actively bring more focus to appreciation certainly does start to change things – never to be underestimated.
What a beautiful sharing of true appreciation and value for each other and the real treasure of relationships.
It is amazing how a simple act of appreciation can turn around a flagging relationship from a negative to a positive and loving one.
Seeing and appreciating the gold in people – the spark that we all have (rather than focussing on superficial behaviours any one of us have adopted to cope with life) totally changes our relationship with everything. One of those things we simply have to have a go at, suspend disbelief and then observe the impact.
This is worth sharing with everybody it is so valuable, and always great to be reminded of, “If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before”, this is so true.
I know these niggles all too well and know how they can be the catalyst for a tension and separation within a relationship. Essentially we end up seeing the other based on what they do instead of who they are, reacting to their doing and this is never a loving thing to do as it spurs the other to then react more to our own reaction. Appreciation brings understanding and this is when true love is built.
Just the other day, out of the blue I got some amazing relationship wisdom – that there are no soulmates, each person is a potential partner so we can’t go through life looking for that one person who is different or special, what we need to feel is when a relationship with another has purpose and will grow and evolve us and advance us forward – when we feel this, that is when we know it is a true constellation. This completely cuts out the need to search and find something outside of us – everything is already within each person, it is for us to feel when there is true purpose and love to being in a relationship
This is wise advice indeed Rebecca. If we all approached our relationships in this way we would all be living harmoniously together as there would be no ‘need’ in what we were looking for from another, based on the knowing and understanding that everything is already there just waiting to be shared.
I agree – and it also takes away the idea that someone else is going to complete us, love us in a way know one else can, give us something we are lacking – we do not lack anything and the love we can have for ourselves is all we need, leaving others to simply be themselves and not beholden to our idea of them and what they should do
I would agree that most relationship advice is given by people who are just as lost as the rest of us. This is especially so of the marriages that appear to be ‘good’ and have ticked all the societal boxes. I am finding this kind of marriage is often the worst, as it is not as honest as couples who realise they are not the ‘perfect couple’. Attending relationship workshops with Serge Benhayon has been a huge eye opener to how to have true relationships. And it always comes back to the relationship you have with yourself first.
The ‘problem’ with appreciating the other is that if you do, there is only one way to walk: forward. If you do not, you can walk, backwards, sidewards. It takes a true commitment to be open to so many beauties that you can never walk away from.
I love this exercise and absolutely agree that the expression of appreciation is a very powerful and confirming practice just as it is for receiving it. When we express appreciation fully and it is received fully that is super beautiful.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” Perhaps this is the answer to not having any issues with anyone ever again, this is huge.
“try living with three different men before you decide to marry as you don’t really know someone until you live with them!” – what a cracker of an ideal Jennifer.. I know this one and used to believe the same pre-meditated ‘test-run’ too and agreed with such sound advice a few years back. Nowadays the only sound advice I take is that of the heart to be able to feel the heart of someone, a partner, by the way they take loving care of themselves and hold who they truly are. A person self-held in this quality is who I’d be dying to live with in a shot, no test-run required! And when you know, you just know too.
There is lots of familiar relationship advice, stuff that is mentioned to a lot of people through their lives. There are some absolute pearls that would support us all if they where the ones quoted often and lived from those doing the quoting. A couple are: love and nurture ourselves deeply and consistently and absolutely trust ourselves for what we feel and respond to this, getting it right isn’t the point it’s developing the trust that is essential. We are never too old to discover these absolute essential pearls of advice and ones I’m incredibly grateful to Serge Benhayon for sharing and living with such loving commitment.
‘Appreciation of one another’s true value is now a natural and constant exchange between us, no longer a pointed exercise, as it is now just part of the foundation we call our relationship.’ – It is easy to feel the natural flow that takes place when we make relationship about appreciation of one another’s values.
I was always puzzled when friends would come to me for advice in their relationships despite the fact I have yet to have an official relationship of my own. But recently when observing a friend of mine and their partner together and clearly seeing how much he adored her and how she really didn’t know how to handle being adored and therefor was slightly cold or reserved, I realised that we don’t need all experiences of life to know love and be able to express that love to another, and be able to see when someone else is not accepting or expressing that love with another and in the end, isnt love what all relationships are about, even if we find that ours seems to not contain a lot of it?
We can recognise the truth when it is spoken, but this is different than giving advice.
You will know what truth is as we feel instantly what feels true in our body. We feel our body respond easily to truth when lived and spoken.. Thats why I had no doubt when I heard Serge spoke , simply because what he spoke about and lived, resonated deep within my heart as I deeply treasure truth.
It is amazing to start to live with this knowing about our bodies ability to feel truth. I have needed to set aside a lot of beliefs about intelligence coming only from my brain and become much more respectful of the signposting of my body and ‘listening’ to how it responds in any given situation.
Finding the appreciation for everyone we meet so we do not get caught up in a reaction that will never serve them or us is critical to our evolution!
Indeed it is Greg – it is a constant development and a constant opportunity to evolve for us all.
So True Eva, our awareness is always expanding.
We get so many different pieces of advice from so many different sources when it comes to relationships. It’s so refreshing to know that the power is in our hands all along in terms of appreciating ourselves and others for what we bring. So simple! There is no need to be lost in complication in relationships.
Yes, and the “with anybody” shows the opportunity (potential) there is in any moment to see the beauty there is in all of us.
Your words make very clear to me that we cannot neglect any relationship in any moment and that they not just happen but in truth are nurtured by the forever acknowledgement and appreciation of all that there is in the beauty of another.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” This is so true as has been proven to me time and time again when I have reacted to someone and realised there has been no appreciation for them, so then when I can hold them in their true light, it changes everything. This happened just recently with a colleague, now the relationship has totally turned around.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” How powerful is appreciation!
What a beautiful sharing Jenny with such a simple and enjoyable remedy for the relationship glitch – appreciation.
I love how you point out that some of your relationships never should have started – I have had that experience in my life as well, and in retrospect the interesting thing is that each time I knew already before I entered into the relationship that this was a ‘bad’ idea. I would in no way say that my experiences have been a waste of time as there have been lots for me to learn in each of these interactions, but I also know that today I will be deeply honouring of the signals received before I enter into any relationship.
When I am frustrated with another I quite often have not taken the time to understand or appreciate what they are experiencing and want them to behave to my standards and expectations.
Why is it we have a tendency to focus in on the faults of people rather than their qualities? I feel it stems from childhood as I so often hear parents criticising their children and rarely hear them praised or appreciated. Just recently I heard a parent berate their child, they had lost the plot and were verbally abusing their own child and I wondered that surely as adults we should be more understanding. However it was quite clear that the adult was being more childish than the child. I watched the out play and the child was crushed by the out burst and it is this hurt that we then carry round with us that then have an affect or colour how we interact with life there after.
The quote in this article by Serge Benhayon touches very definitely on something I have experienced too, because whenever there has been an issue with someone in my life, there always follows a point when greater understanding comes and dissolves the issue which then leads me to an appreciation for that person which I then always see could have been there from the start, had I chose to see it in the first place… which means that many, if not all, of the issues I experience are self-made due to a perspective I hold on to until it is changed by circumstance. So all I can say to this – is thank God for circumstances that bring us back to the appreciation that is there and available for eachother!
I have found awareness too, to be a great tool in relationships. As soon as I am aware that I am frustrated or resentful in any way it is easy to drop it for the harm it is, and come back to th natural love that we share between us and with All.
A great reminder Lyndy – simply drop it instead of clinging to it in stubborn self-proclaimed righteousness.
Thanks for sharing such wonderful ‘sage’ advice Jenny, to bring appreciation to the qualities of our essence and confirm who we are in full. What a glorious way to be in relationship with ourselves and everyone. Anything else will stand out like a sore thumb and hurt.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” Really good to take this on board to help us when we do react to someone, so that we can bring it back to us and what is truly going on for us so that we can move through what is holding us back from being love with that person.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” This is golden advice and something that I will be using in all my relationships going forward.
Appreciation appreciation appreciation what a beautiful sharing of true relationships with such a basis to come from.” Appreciation of one another’s true value is now a natural and constant exchange between us, no longer a pointed exercise, as it is now just part of the foundation we call our relationship” very inspiring and lovely to feel.
It is one of the most profound ways to heal – to express without any holding back the love and appreciation that we have. Walls we have encased around our hearts crack open. We are naturally designed to express love. When we do this it is incredible what happens to us and our bodies – we fire up and know from the depths of our being that we are so much more than human.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” – Wow, the truth of that statement is truly felt and needs no further explanation.
It is so true Jenny. When you meet someone you want to marry there is no question that they are the one you want to marry! You don’t go and try out a few others just in case. We must go with our feeling, even if at some stage it turns out we move on.
So true Lyndy… there is no rule that says we ‘have to’ stay with only one person forever. There are times for relationships, when we learn and grow together, and there are times when we move on… and we learn and grow from that too.
‘Each time something of truth was shared, we both felt expansive and confirmed in who we are…’ applicable to every single one of our relationships, from the one with ourselves outwards, this quote has inspired me this morning to consider the impact of true appreciation on those relationships with people I do not see very often and that actually they are being nourished or neglected by the way I live day to day… when we do meet the foundations are already laid.
I so love this advice. Appreciation is the foundation of any relationship including the one with ourselves.
The wisdom to allow appreciation as part of our day, whether that be with ourselves, our partners, our work colleagues, or our tradesmen, is a path that will provide endless gifts.
Reading your words Jennifer it becomes very clear that we cannot appreciate enough and that appreciation has been sorely neglected in our societies. Besides all the academic subjects in school it is high time that we introduce everyday skills we need like how to be with each other and how to truly care for ourselves.
The best relationship advice I’ve received was to honour myself. We know when something isn’t right, we feel it in our bones. We can then doubt, let it slide, blame, attack…or we can ponder it, put it on the table and look at what is not right and what is not true and take it from there. If we’re willing to be responsible with what is not true it then paves a way for what is true and that leads to true relationship.
“The best relationship advice I’ve received was to honour myself.” Yes and very beautiful, when we treat ourselves with the outmost care and deep love we can always bring that to us in any situation and this way of being with ourselves will be quite naturally the way we will be with others.
This is a brilliant point of inspiration for re-writing history and the belief I have carried for years about putting others before myself. This is an expanded teaching of the fact that if we do not take care of ourselves we are little support or inspiration to others.
“So we embarked on what became a fun and playful nightly exercise of sharing one thing each that we appreciated about the other that day, each time something that had never been expressed before.” What a very lovely thing to do, and how refreshingly different from the more usual offloading at the end of the day onto one another that can so often happen in relationships.
How true – we are far quicker to dump our stuff on each other rather than share true appreciation with each other.
‘“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” This quote from Serge Benhayon is very revealing and awesomely simple.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” This is actual a gem of a statement, great words from Serge. How often do we stop to appreciate others and ourselves, we get caught in life and doing and forgot to take the moment to appreciate moments, and each other.
How much richer and more aware we would be if we were all given this relationship advice at a young age. As it was most of us were left flailing around in the dark with no clue as how to relate to one another. This blog is absolute gold.
Appreciation isn’t something that is encouraged when we grow up. It seems that being polite and well-mannered has far greater precedence Yet, these qualities do not have the same ability to bring out another’s grace, confirm or expand them like appreciation does. It makes sense to truly appreciate… it’s very powerful!
This is so true Rachel. Being polite and well mannered were things that were definitely drummed into me as a child, both at home and at school, whereas appreciation didn’t get a look in unless it was to apprecaite something that another had done ‘for me’. So what I remember about appreciation is that it was ‘loaded’ with expectations and guilt if it was not followed through. But to appreciate ourselves or another simply for who we/they are is completley different and as you say, with it comes a confirmation of the true grace that we are, and it gives us the confidence that allows us to truly expand.
For me, appreciation is like a muscle that has not been used much, but now I am bringing it more into my relationships with myself and others as a key component to life.
Appreciation is a rock solid foundation and the best relationship advice one could ever ask for. And, it works a treat.
If we express truth we connect to something that is so much greater than we think our physical life here on earth is. And with that, with expression truth, we expand our awareness of this reality and with that every time we appreciate this fact we get more to see of the grandness we are and live in.
‘So, what resulted from a simple but profoundly true statement by Serge Benhayon became the most sage piece of relationship advice I have yet to receive.’ – Love it Jenny – shows the power of simplicity.
It is so beautiful to appreciate another’s true value and so often it is something that we would never had put on our tick box list when we try to get the perfect person or relationship.
What a great marker to feel in your body… “Each time something of truth was shared, we both felt expansive and confirmed in who we are…”
It’s so heartwarming to read this, it strikes me that we do know what is true in relationships, that it is natural for us to appreciate and value one another even if it’s not currently “normal”. The irritations feel so out of place because they are not natural to us, but love is.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” I absolutely love this saying and know it to be true. The more we appreciate another the less issues we have with them and ourselves.
It’s a huge learning to relate to ourselves and other by our essence, not by our behaviours and the things we do that aren’t an expression from that essence.
I fully agree Elizabeth – which is why appreciation is so vital. If that is in foundation, tension and irritation in relationships can’t stick. How can they if the relationship is held in appreciation? And appreciation invites us to deepen constantly – it never stands still or plateaus. Because there is always more and more to appreciate as we let each there in more and more and see the ever-expanding divine love we all are.
This can all be applied to our relationship with ourselves too. I can pick issues with myself all day, but ultimately it is because I have not appreciated myself or my value long before I decide I have an issue.
I love this way you approached your relationship “So we embarked on what became a fun and playful nightly exercise of sharing one thing each that we appreciated about the other that day, each time something that had never been expressed before. ” it makes me realise just how much there is to express with another and the fact that when we get to the details of it there is far more we appreciate about people than we dont.
So much relationship advice is about improving a relationship without actually changing the underlying issues. When we do this we buy time as it improves the outer, but actually entrenches us deeper into misery.
There is no such thing as ‘annoyance’, but this is instead a reflection of the tension in a relationship when things have not been expressed.
“Each time something of truth was shared, we both felt expansive and confirmed in who we are, being beautiful, most definitely divine and oh, so worthwhile!” Appreciation and expressing truth – both so important for evolving relationships.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” Appreciation is something we tend to forget about especially with those closest to us as we seem to have a habit of getting comfortable with another and then taking them for granted rather than truly seeing them for all that they are and bring 24/7. It’s such a small and simple thing to do yet makes the world of difference and comes naturally the more we appreciate ourselves.
A deeply inspirational sharing on the amazing simplicity and love of appreciation and all it offers us. What a beautiful reflection on the sharing of our appreciation and love for each other and all this allows us.
Appreciation is hugely resisted in our culture so what does that say about our choices? That it is our wish to cement ourselves in conflict when appreciation opens up the flow and harmony so natural in us. When appreciation is shared openly with others, we have to be extremely steady ourselves–as often the response or reaction, is unheard of and it shows the huge resistance in feeling the lovely intimacy we have with ourselves. Often when I observe people, an expression of appreciation would instantly put them into protection, they change into being stoic or even rude, but only because they don’t want to feel the huge power of warmth that they are. This is a really lovely exercise to practice, and it is great to practice with ourselves too!
Advice can confirm what we have have already felt for ourselves but may have dismissed or ignored because it did not fit the picture we have of ourselves in relationship.
We do not need relationship advice from anyone because when we feel inside, we have all the information we need from within the body. We simply need to discern the messages.
‘Being someone with a tendency until then to see faults well before I might acknowledge valuable attributes (both in myself and others)…’ I can relate to this so see the gold in what you’ve shared about appreciating someone well before else issues will arise. I’m a little new to this but get the gist that if we appreciate someone then it’s very very difficult to have an issue with them. It’s not that they don’t do things that need addressing (though I’m also getting they are less likely to if they feel and allow the appreciation of them in as they’ll be more willing to be themselves and not their defences), but that thing they do can be easily said and discussed without criticism and defence. Well worth living this.
Our body has an immensely sensitive radar and gives us great relationship advice when we deepen our inner connection and follow its impulses.
The best relationship advice I have had is for me to first deepen my relationship with myself, developing greater honesty and intimacy, loving myself to bits, adding into the equation loads of appreciation as well as committing and embracing life in full, then this will naturally have a knock on effect with all my other relationships
Being caught in ideas of who we will be with can really limit opportunities for potential meaning relationships. I responded to the man I married from deep within and the pictures I had of ideals regarding men and husbands have steadily been broken to unveil a deeply meaningful evolutionary relationship, which I would have missed if I had just stayed with ideals.
Before I met my now husband I had some other questionable relationship advice from dubious sources. I have since learned that relationship advice can really only be inspired by a person that is living in relationships that are truly loving, if there is dynamic or issues in their own relationships, then the advice is usually tainted with this. I am very careful in who I seek help from these days, for relationships are a very personal and reflective situation that if it is placed in the wrong hands can be twisted and misunderstood. So now, I don’t look for frames hanging on the wall with white pieces of paper in them but instead observer how my counsellor relates to others and if they are in a solid and loving relationship or not. This is the main qualification that interests me now, especially in the current climate of break ups and abuse behaviour towards one another.
Wow Jenny, the simplicity of what you have revealed here regarding the value of ‘appreciation’ is stunning. It’s like its a key that unlocks the door to Aladdin’s Cave. Thank you!
Spot on Susan… very sobering when you are sitting in some holier-than-thou ivory tower casting judgment on those who don’t measure up to our pictures and expectations. There is no excuse to not see the beauty that is truly there if we are willing to look, and it is our responsibility to.
Serge Benhayon’s one-liners are always concentrated bundles of wisdom to be unpacked and rehydrated into the fullness of truth they contain. Profundity indeed.
It seems that quite often we end up listening to advice without truly discerning if that advice is right for us, and then linger in a relationship longer than we would have done otherwise. Learning to honour our own feelings that come from our bodies and not the mind does take time but well worth the effort.
I love how you did not accept that way of being annoyed and critical as normal and so did not allow it to stay in your relationship.If we look at building love with another appreciation is a key building block.
Gorgeous Jennifer, and such an important part of relationships, not just with our partners.What we focus on gets build stronger and gets confirmed.
“So we embarked on what became a fun and playful nightly exercise of sharing one thing each that we appreciated about the other that day, each time something that had never been expressed before. ” – Such a beautiful thing to do and to not make it about functional ‘doing’ things makes this full expression-in-truth which is heard and deeply felt within.
True appreciation from the body expands out and touches everyone, even those that it was not intended for, as in truth, it is for everyone no matter who you direct it to.
Very true, as it is energy first and energy is felt first – by everyone equally so.
Very true Julie, appreciation touches everyone regardless of who it is felt and expressed to… as does true love.
Since first reading this blog I have been doing similar with my wife every evening. What is instantly reflected is that any block that I may have in appreciating her is an exact reflection of the day that I have had and how I haven’t appreciated myself. It’s a precise, binary and undeniable science.
I love your sharing Otto – such a pointed sign to read and when read things can change in an instant.
When I consider the choice I have in every moment to found all my communication on appreciation or not, it makes it insane to even entertain the latter.
Haha – yes totally insane indeed. It is awesome when we are in that space – I find for myself though that at times I can not hold that as there are still little triggers here and there in daily life and circumstances where I may forget – and only in retrospect come back to the fact that I can choose to appreciate first.
It is interesting to consider why appreciation is not such a natural thing in our upbringing where I, to my experience only have been judged on my behaviour and being but rarely, or maybe never I would say, being appreciated for anything I was. It feels like a set up to something, a setup to live in a certain way that is void of the most powerful attribute we can develop in building trust in life in relationship with not only ourselves but with all people we live with too.
How true it is that when we deviate from appreciation, we are no longer in true joy and thus our thoughts and actions will not have a basis of Love.
Appreciation is key for all relationships – it is a wonder why this is not introduced, nurtured and developed throughout childhood or in business exchanges as a key indicator, as it would seem to me to be the one thing that would reduce or even avoid many issues, be it personal relationships, workplace relationships or even war.
““If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” Just this one sentence alone can answer all relationships issues. Your blog Jenny has made me reassess the people in my life I find more challenging and I am now asking myself if it is through lack of appreciation on part.
Yes I have found the same thing Sam… it is a direct reflection of my unwillingness to look for what is true in them first, usually because they’ve triggered some judgement through some behaviour or something early on and I make my feelings about them all about that.
Building appreciation into our internal and external dialogue is the opposite to allowing criticism and judgement to develop; appreciation is counter to the patterns and norms we have set up in society and does very simply transform lives.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” what a great saying to consider and make part of our life, how different is life when we approach everything and everyone from appreciation first.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” This is absolute GOLD. It can be used in any situation in life where we find ourselves with issues about someone or complaining about something. It is also a great remedy for good health!
Indeed Rebecca, while in general we think that have issues is a normal part of living life, we can actually say that issues are bad medicine and are detrimental to the health of our body. When we do recognise that this is a fact we can make the choices to not have issues in life anymore by for instance using the tools given in this blog.
There are so many pictures and stories about how relationships should be or should look like and I have found it really valuable to observe what is going on and connect with what I sense is happening rather than relying on outside information or advice.
What a beautiful sharing on appreciation and very simple and special and the answer to all relationships
“Each time something of truth was shared, we both felt expansive and confirmed in who we are, being beautiful, most definitely divine and oh, so worthwhile!”
Appreciation is so key both for others and for ourselves. I know for me now the moment I stop appreciating another I am way gone. I found in my last relationship the moment I let go of truly and deeply appreciating my partner life took over and became the focus and whilst there were never any arguments, there wasn’t the constant deepening of love. And this comes back to how I am with myself because if I am not truly appreciating myself it is really hard to deeply appreciate another. When I am naturally, it’s there so there’s no trying to please it just comes out and then it’s magic.
“There can be no focus on faults, when what is amazing and true in each other is plain as day.” This is just gorgeous Jennifer. Such wise and simple advice for anyone, whatever the relationship.
It is very easy to blame our partners for the unhappiness we may experience in a relationship but, when we leave that one and a few years later move into a new one, if the same patterns start emerging, it becomes obvious that the one common denominator is us, ourselves. Understanding that all our partners are doing is reflecting back to us all our undealt with issues and hurts from the past turns around the blame into appreciation for the beautiful and never-ending reflections they are providing us with, painful though they may be at times.
Totally Shirley Ann – we are rarely taught to regain this life-giving ability.
The Power of Appreciation’ course should be on the Education syllabus. Appreciation 101! On how far our education curriculum has strayed from its three major principles: (1) Love (2) ‘Everything is energy’ (3) Cause and effect (karma and reincarnation).
If we first know someone to be the magnificent,vulnerable and exquisite Son of God that they truly are, it is very clear that anything slightly dicey that happens is an energy that has come in and through from the outside – and that is never an ‘issue’, just something to be observed and dealt with in a simple loving way.
Agreed Shirley-Ann, it definitely isn’t something we’re taught, quite the opposite really as we’re taught to applaud our achievements and skills, not to recognise and value true qualities. It was quite a foreign exercise for both my husband and I to begin with.
Let appreciation of what is true be the advisor for our relationships as it naturally will also expose that which is not of truth and thus doesn´t have a place in any true relationship.
Beauty in words Alex!
Yes beautifully said Alex… that is a foundation for all relationships that would be certain to transform them all.
On what ground are we standing if we haven’t learnt and have not been encouraged to see all the beauty there is in every single one of us. So the answer lies in appreciation as it opens ourselves up to all there is.
There is something so inspiring about this blog which I keep coming back to read again and again… perhaps its the honesty of seeing what is truly happening in this relationship and the simplicity of taking responsibility for true and lasting change.
“Being someone with a tendency until then to see faults well before I might acknowledge valuable attributes (both in myself and others)…” How common is this in our world today – we tend to look first at the negative and judge, well before we see the positive and appreciate.
Once we build a foundation of trust, bigger issues can get exposed until all the big ones have been exposed.
Often an irritation we have had for some other reason or with someone else can surface later with our partner. Why is it that we feel safe to let it be expressed with them rather than the other? Is it because we have in some way built up a trust and intimacy in our relationship? If so, then that is to be recognised and appreciated in each other that we had the willingness to do that and go deeper together. And if we continue to more consciously appreciate every day, as you suggest Jenny, then we no longer feel the need to let it out in some way, for a strong foundation in our partnership means we feel more able to express truth in a gentle way with others — at the time the incident happens, and so the irritation dissipates.
Appreciation expands whatever it touches and judgement pins down whatever it touches.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” What a beautifully simple, yet profound piece of advice for anyone to take into any relationship, whether its a partner, family member, friend, work colleague or simply someone you talk to when you are out and about. A great reminder to take into my day and to everyone I meet. Thankyou Jenny.
I find it amazing how appreciation can knock out so many undesirable things in a relationship – comparison, criticism and all kinds of issues and put it back on track. It’s remarkable how to turn all these problems around you simply have to start appreciating someone, it’s so simple yet so completely profound.
Yes, creating a foundation of love does have that effect.
It is quite something, very definite and perhaps truly divine, when you meet someone and just know that this relationship has purpose to it, that it is not just about self-satisfaction, and that it is actually about evolution for you both – that is, there is the potential to grow and learn together whatever the shape that journey make take, the fact that evolution together can occur is pure gold.
And thus the purpose of relationship and thus the fact that we are not designed to ‘go it alone’.
Yes Shami, and the fact that some relationships come together not because either party needs to heal through it, but because they don’t, and in so, it is for a purpose beyond the relationship that it constellates in the first place.
““If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” I love this quote – and its so true – a great antidote to jealousy too. Appreciate more!
Oh Jenny I just love this, this is super inspiring and yet it is so simple. I can’t wait to start to put this into action with my husband too.
🙂 Enjoy Sam… it is VERY fruitful exercise if it is done genuinely and consistently.
Without seeing the beauty of another first we will always react to the imperfections we are looking for to have a justification for not being loving.
So true Alex… and this takes us to another level of responsibility again for our side of any relationship.
If we are able to really hear what you are saying Alex, then the world will change very dramatically. If ever I am focusing on the faults of another – do I have the honesty to see that it is purely me defending my own fortress of irresponsibility? How gross, to attack another just because of the non-loving choices that I may have made.
It is interesting to re-imprint an existing relationship with appreciating the little things too Jennifer. It brings a renewed joy observing how much we can be, loving our lives together, and the choices we have made. I love your focus that it is not what we do but the quality and connection we bring when we appreciate in a relationship.
Yes beautiful Gill, I agree and a little goes a long way I find. Even the smallest gesture towards appreciation is felt instantly and opens up something more loving and true within any relationship.
Expressing a lived truth like appreciation, is really expressing absolute love and it is in all of your movements so others feel this blessing within them.
There is so much unhelpful relationship advise around and I guess that is because so many people are not good at relationships and there are not many role models to truly be inspired by just because the people in relationship today did not have true role models at that time either. Serge Benhayon is one of the role models for me and how he lives in relationships is very inspiring. It is because he lives true relationships he can give true relationship advise and it tells because it is so simple and makes sense instead of the strange advices we usually get like your example that don’t make sense really…
This quote turns the world upside down, it comes down to appreciation. There is much to appreciate in another person than criticise, actually no need to criticise at all, and it is always about our perspective of wrong and right that gets in the way of relationships.
A beautiful exercise and thank you for sharing. This is something that every relationship could keep the benefits from, especially that all important relationship with ourselves.
I always found relationship advice hard to swallow, mainly because in my life it was always other telling me how I should get a boyfriend or look for a relationship, never really considering or giving me the space to be whole and content with myself and let life unfold. What you are sharing is such a beautiful approach to relationship advice because it is not trying to mix or meant or make better, it is simply shining the spotlight on the love already there.
I agree about relationship advice especially when you’re a single woman, there’s plenty of it that comes your way too. This ideal that a woman is incomplete without one, somehow less whole and most definitely discontent is fairly universal. For a woman to be seen and full, complete and intact regardless of whether she has a partner and regardless of whether she has children is something we are still a way off from, as a society.
I agree – and for many of the single women I know, the feeling of completeness is little more than an act of bravado simply because we are so not confirmed in just being with ourselves, and therefor as soon as a relationship is offered that seems okay we fall into it, rather than being steady and certain in ourselves and willing to truly look and consider any potential to feel if what it offers is an expansion into greater love and expression than remaining single or if it is simple making the tension of being single go away.
Yes spot on Rebecca, there is a bravado women can sit back in when single, with the facade that all is well and they are powering ‘solo’. But it’s true, for some, if it is bravado, lurking underneath is the same old belief that we are incomplete without a partner. It is very entrenched in our society and really takes a very claimed woman who knows herself from her essence to feel complete in a way we are talking about.
I agree – it is something I am still working on, but more and more I am feeling the fact that while a relationship offers amazing opportunity to grow, there is a quality and a standard I need to live with myself and hold first
Yes exactly Rebecca, I can recall realising that everything I felt within myself was what made me feel complete and whole, and that nobody outside of me could add to that. I could only choose a partner with whom I felt supported to continue feeling it. I had plenty of retrospective examples of having chosen partners who could not support that, blaming them of course in some way for not seeing and honouring who I was. It was me not seeing and honouring of course, they simply reflected the fact.
Beautifully honest – we can spend our lives seeking a person outside of us who will love us and see us for who we are and fulfil us – and while another can absolutely love and adore us for who we are, it will not provide the fulfilling love that we can give ourselves. We should be our first and last love affairs, learning to adore ourselves for all our quirks, because the more we do the more open we are to sharing them with another
Your blog and advice from Serge Benhayon has hugely helped me along in these last few weeks Jenny, when I am dealing at close quarters now with another human being that I am going to live with in less than a week.So this blog is great timing! Having a friendship is something wholly different from actually sharing a household and I can now see why i was encouraged to make this move! Bring on observation, the dropping of images, listening to the messages of the body and last but not least the full appreciation of the other.
Very true Lyndy, living with another exposes our patterns and our choices. It teaches us how we can be and live together. This would be a great exercise to build a foundation in any relationship.
I can share that I have lived with a friend for the last 3 years…. it has been the most amazing experience. In the beginning, it was tough, so much was exposed, old patterns and ways of behaviour that did not serve. Many a time we both felt like throwing in the towel, but we knew there was much to learn and grow from by being together. The thing that saw us through was deep appreciation for the other and what we each brought. I would recommend this experience to anyone… its the best way to expand and develop!
To embark on an appreciation program is the best relationship advice one could possible give.
Yes – love it! Trouble in your relationship? Appreciate more!
Totally, turns everything on its head.
Yes it does! I have actioned this recently and it is amazing how you can get past an issue, open up and expand simply by appreciating another. This is someting I definitely want to practice having already felt the truth of it. To make it normal now for me is key.
Appreciation supersedes judgment and opposition.
Making the focus on appreciation of each other in relationships instead of faults feels so lovely and completely changes the whole scenario. This can really deepen the foundation of any relationship too, any friendship, all we need to do is notice and appreciate more and more.
Appreciation is a very powerful and beautiful tool as we can let go of any negative thoughts that may hinder intimacy. The deeper and more intimate we become with others the more we open ourselves up to their inner beauty which confirms that we are innately connected and divine.
‘The stipulation was that these could not be things we had done at a functional level; we were nominating true qualities we could recognise as present in something the other had done or said’ – I love how you made the appreciation about each others qualities, rather than the doing – a true honouring of the other person.
I am appreciating how much there is to appreciate when things are a struggle, when we are working with our stuff. Because, in order to do so, our choice is to be the love that we are, to surrender and let go of the ill energy/pattern that we have allowed in, what a gift we are offering our self and each other. With appreciation of this truth, the struggle becomes an opportunity to be, bring and receive more love.
Appreciation is key with everyone we are in a relationship with, even if they do reflect back to us what we do not want to feel because we would have to take responsibility for our actions.
Appreciation should be the corner stone of all couple counselling. It opens us to seeing our innate gifts and qualities and supports us to call on these qualities first and foremost, a practice that keeps our hearts open and glowing.
I agree Rowena, it should be the first thing in all couple counselling as it first brings you back to a base to work out issues from, but also re-connects you to what it is you love about the person, possibly even what you fell in love with in the first place that gets lost or buried under the discontents and hurts we gather along the way.
I’m starting to get that appreciation is not just for the moment but it builds up a well of what we know is the truth. When things go awry and we behave in ways that arent loving or right, this pool of good feeling is there to support. Your words here Jennifer stop me in my tracks and put any argument I have in a totally new light.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” This is so true. It is easy to blame our partners or whoever for us being upset but that is because we are focusing on their faults and adding the recent issue to the list. When we look within instead we can observe our own historical hurts that are being reflected by that person and focus on what we need to let go of, not what they need to change. Appreciation means not wanting another person to change anything.
Living with someone who is evolving with you is one of the greatest things I have experienced in my life. I had to wait through five years of looking before I found her. It was well worth it.
Beautiful Christoph, I waited ten but who’s counting 😉
Me too so simple, yet so profound
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” SB I love this quote by Serge and I am going to apply it with myself more consistently. I know when I do my faults fall into their rightful position, one of insignificance.
Exactly Mary-Louise, l’d been told before that our ‘faults and issues’ should be like the minimized computer screen, not the main focus but l’d never experienced them like this. When issues were triggered and ‘up’, they were definitely centre stage. Having true appreciation has changed that and it takes a lot to knock me from feeling pretty darn good the majority of the time.
That is super inspiring and shows the power of appreciation
We’ve probably all handed on some pretty shonky relationship advice to friends and daughters, and perhaps sons. At last some true and valuable relationship advice is here – simply because we are becoming aware of the truth. Wonderful!
“Appreciation of one another’s true value is now a natural and constant exchange between us, no longer a pointed exercise, as it is now just part of the foundation we call our relationship.” – Appreciation is a key ingredient in all relationships, and though it may begin as a so called exercise (as we learn what appreciation is and how to express it), it can develop into the natural foundation for self and relationship with others that it truly can be and is.
I too recall getting some relationship advice from older adults as I was growing up. The advice I recall was that it was good to live with someone first before you married them so that you would get a chance to get to know them much better. In the generation previous to mine, it was a no-no to be in a relationship and to not be married and some were disowned by their families if they left the home without being in wedlock, so I can understand this advice, and I would say it certainly helps to have spent time with a person and lived with them before deciding on marriage. Though in my experience it does not take a long time to feel if you are so called ‘compatible’ with another. I know in my current relationship, we moved in together as house mates, not knowing each other, and yet from day 1 we got along super well, in fact so well that everyone assumed we were married before we even got together as a couple! And so we got together and have now been married for 14 years! But over this time, the relationship has grown and transformed as we have had an opportunity to deepen our relationship with ourselves and each other.
It would be interesting how it came about that you chose to be housemates.
It’s very true Henrietta, that advice was not uncommon after an era of stigma around sex before marriage, and all the unhappy arrangements that would have likely been the result of not being able to test out compatibility in this way. I agree with you though that it doesn’t require living together to have a good sense of whether someone is right or not. And no amount of ‘compatibility’ at the start will make a relationship truly work if there is not love as a foundation and the capacity for this to deepen over time, as you say. Very few manage that in my experience and view thus far, and I know how much work it took me, on myself, to get to a point where I was capable of offering that to someone else.
‘There can be no focus on faults, when what is amazing and true in each other is plain as day.’ Very beautiful Jennifer, imagine if this is normal in all relationships. There would be no issues.
Just today a received relationship advice in an esoteric numerology session during a training course that actually was completely free of any advice as no personal view of the practitioner´s views; much more it was a reading on the what is and the potential of what is available for me to explore and unfold my relationships – quite an extraordinary experience, extraordinary as in the clarity and integrity of the numbers laying it all out for us.
The soundest relationship advice is to be in a deep, honouring relationship with ourselves first. Because that is the only way we can rise above the traps and hurdles of ideals, beliefs, hurts and many other forces that can cloud life, and be bale to read the truth of any situation.
So beautifully said Golnaz, the relationship we have with ourselves and the level of honesty and integrity that we have with self, lays the foundation for our relationship with all others.
‘Being someone with a tendency until then to see faults well before I might acknowledge valuable attributes (both in myself and others) …’ this is a trait I recognise in myself also, awesome to feel the change of allowing and expressing appreciation for ourselves and each other.
I love the invitation of this blog to appreciate! The more I appreciate (especially after a spate of not doing so) I understand its huge support in feeling expanded and joyful. If we teach our kids nothing else, teaching them lovingly to appreciate could serve them more than anything else I know!
Without appreciation, even the greatest of lives becomes mundane.
I love it how one sentence can completely change your whole relationship, such a great reminder how powerful and life-changing our words can be if used wisely.
Acknowledging and appreciating the qualities of another debases the scaffolding of tension immediately. What a great way of addressing relationship issues, as this builds ” … a foundation of love and respect for each other’s true value, a foundation that …. leaves us feeling unshakeable as a couple…” An awesome sharing, Thank you
He’s pretty slam-dunk at appreciation too! A master of the all living, inspiring, expressing and moving for us all to see that everything is everything.
Hear hear – 100% true and felt and deeply appreciated!!
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” I had an issue with myself this morning – nothing that a bit of appreciation couldn’t cut through!
I find it amazing how in an instant appreciation changes the whole dynamics and energy of whats going on.
Arguing in a relationship does not feel healthy, but if we allow ourselves to take responsibility for our part in each argument, we can identify what our needs are:- to be listened to, to be understood, to be respected, to be confirmed, to be loved. None of these things will be reflected back to us unless we can first of all do them for ourselves and then we can listen, understand, respect, confirm and love others. When it’s in our own body then it doesn’t matter what other people do, we feel the love anyway.
Best advice is that which is lived, not that which is spoken.
Yes, only what is lived has the potential to truly inspire others
So very true, otherwise it is just words and whilst it is then heard by the other person without the lived energy coming with it it does not feel alive and so can easily be brushed aside.
Another most wise and sage relationship advice has been to let go of pictures, beliefs and ideals when it comes to everything in life. Any argument I’ve initiated has come from a picture or expectation I’ve placed on another person.
Exactly Aimee, I wrote a blog about that too… http://www.womeninlivingness.com/single-post/2016/12/23/Internet-Dating%E2%80%A6-Navigating-New-Territory
Agree Aimee, pictures, expectations, ideals and beliefs are killers of harmony.
Love it Jenny – thank you.
So true Ariana, one of many things this extra-ordinary man has mastered.
I love this Jenny, it highlights the alchemy of appreciation. Wither it’s with ourselves or others it’s an essential part of brining love to any equation.
I’m pondering the true purpose of being in a relationship and this quote feels like a pearl to start ““If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” Being in a relationship with someone is about all the things we can learn about ourselves from having such a close reflection . . .?
Any others?
A very beautiful and playful exercise Jenny that could only ever strengthen a relationship.
And the wonderful understanding is that we know that when we say yes to more the quality of the strengthening is truly a deeply appreciative experience.
When we are focused on finding solutions that may appear to be the obvious way to deal with a problem we often overlook that we are still in the same quality/energy that created the problem in the first place. Changing the energy/quality of our approach like in choosing appreciation over critique, judgment, reaction etc then has the potential to do the magic.
Brilliant Alex… this creates a pause in my ‘fixit’ mentality. A gap just big enough to consider that maybe there is something about the way I am in all of this that has an impact on the situation, and a correction with me first leads to a much more wholesome outcome.
Utilising the potential of knowledge and understanding and activating it to a lived wisdom that is experienced tangibly and thus is known as truth.
Serge Benhayon knows, lives and understands clear, true and loving relationships inside and out.
I always used to ask people in relationships why they argued and why arguing was taken as such a normal part of a relationship and for many their answer was that it was healthy and that somehow not arguing would mean there was something wrong. But what if the fact or the argument is a symptom that there have been things left unsaid well before there needs to be an argument? And what if not all those things need to be negative, but also expressing appreciation is part of it?
Great point Rebecca, there’s always a building up before an argument, ‘And what if not all those things need to be negative, but also expressing appreciation is part of it?’ it’s so easy to see the negative and not the appreciation being held back.
I agree – the more we can express just how much we love another, the less room there is for all the other things to come in – that doesn’t mean we start accepting abuse or letting things slide, but they don’t consume our knowing of the person and we can be loving in the way we set our standards in a relationship.
So much can be resolved in an instant when we express and share our feelings. In doing so, we do not build up unresolved issues and allow another to understand and to let go.
I agree – it can be like a blocked pipe that builds pressure and so what would perhaps have been a small thing becomes a massive explosion
How interesting that we have justified arguing and consider it normal because we have been in denial of truth and love or in denial of expressing how we feel in the moment. In my experience things blow up because there has been a backlog of things unexpressed. If we can bring appreciation into the mix then that expression doesn’t have to be one of reaction but one of love.
Yes, this is a deeply held belief in many people. A fight is seen as healthy. But from this article it is obvious that we do not need to get to the stage of fighting if we communicate and appreciate each other well before there is even a glimmer of a fight.
Oh my Jenny this is GOLD, something I want to re read again and again, all our complicated frustrations can be brought back to the simplicity of not appreciating another.
I agree it is amazing how complicated we can make life and how such a small simple act of appreciation makes such a difference. And I find the more I do the more naturally it is there so it is not simply words rather coming from a deep appreciation within.
‘Each time something of truth was shared, we both felt expansive and confirmed in who we are, being beautiful, most definitely divine and oh, so worthwhile!’ what a solid foundation to deepen your relation on allowing you to expose what is not truth in a deeply loving way.
We take so much for granted in this world and often do not appreciate what we have until it has gone. What a grace to bring our awareness back to the simplicity of appreciation, for one another and the qualities we bring, confirming that there is more to life than just the physical plane of life and that we have a huge amount of wisdom, care and love to express.
“Essentially what occurred in our relationship over the next six months was that we built a foundation of love and respect for each other’s true value” now thats what a real foundation in life is all about, how incredible to have a relationship built from that strength of truth and real values vs the needing the other person to give me what I am missing.
I can honestly say that if I knew as a young woman all that I have come to now in my 60’s I would have lived a completely different life. But the biggest gift I have given myself thanks to the loving support of the Benhayon family is the ability to look back and know that I have healed myself. I can step forward into my next life uncluttered by the past choices I made that were detrimental and abusive to myself and others.
Super beautifully said Mary, and the cool part is that everybody else gets your living reflection now and I can say as a 44 year old woman it is absolutely inspiring to have women like you living with so much love and zest and being fully in life contributing hugely to all that humanity needs.
Boom! Amazing, both of you. How cool is it that comments like this now exist for eternity for us all to see and read at whatever stage we are in our lives or whatever life we are living. Rock-solid concrete under the evolutionary road back to heaven.
Lovely appreciation Mary, of yourself and of the loving support you received from the Benhayon family.
Mary, you are an inspiration, I for one have your words of wisdom ringing through my body from a passing conversation we had on commitment and consistency in developing this loving way with ourselves. There’s nothing more powerful than reflecting what has been lived.
Appreciation for the people around us reminds us not only of how amazing they are, but how amazing we are too.
Exactly Heather, I would know if what I expressed to my husband was true appreciation as I would feel equally expansive for the expression. Recognising it in another is like offering it to yourself as it is recognising something that is universally present in all of us.
Many of the issues we have with our partner or in any relationship is because we have stopped seeing the amazing people they are and started to focus on who they are not. That doesn’t mean to say we do not express when things are not going well, but not with judgement or a hurt, but through appreciating the qualities that have at that moment slipped.
Very true Elizabeth many of our issues are born though lack of appreciation for ourselves and others.
Having been reminded recently that there are hundreds if not thousands moments of appreciation to us every day then we can easily begin to be aware of these and bring appreciation to our relationships.
Now this is truly valuable relationship advice based in lived experience. Thank you Jennifer
I remember the first time I committed to an ‘appreciation program’ with a friend, where every day we chose something that we appreciated about ourselves, I was shocked at how hard I initially found it was to identify even one thing – what an awesome opportunity this presented. It was incredibly beautiful to feel the change in my self, in my body, as my relationship with me deepened and blossomed as it still is today and will continue to do so.
It’s very beautiful to feel how allowing the appreciation draws our focus to the beauty and love that already exists in each other and the relationship, thereby allowing the space for any ‘issues’ to be shared and discussed, with love, rather than out of reaction to our hurts.
Appreciation, true and full appreciation, is key in every relationship we will ever have – including and most importantly, our relationship with ourselves. It is our relationship with ourselves that will determine our relationship with all others.
If we haven’t been appreciating a relationship then when we hit a rough patch or a hard time we have nothing solid to stand on and keep us steady and can be easily rocked and overtaken by the issue
Spot on Rebecca, no credits in the bank means a withdrawal causes bankruptcy .
My feeling is that a mother’s advice on relationships can only be based on what she was taught by her mother and how she herself experienced relationships. She is protecting her daughter as best she can by creating a set of ideals and beliefs that she thinks will help her to navigate the world of men. Some of these beliefs go back centuries and just because they are old and traditional doesn’t mean they are right. What we are coming to learn is just how important it is to feel other people for ourselves, to feel their essence and to separate that from their behaviour.
The more I have come to appreciate myself the more I can appreciate the qualities in another.
Yes Victoria, I agree, that gentle observation, awareness and appreciation as we move through the day lets us appreciate, how can we not also have this with others if we are this way with ourselves.
Love the quote you share here Jennifer, “If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”SB. Appreciation that is genuinely felt and expressed offers expansion for all.
Love that you absolutely knew that this was the man for you, no question, no doubt, just an instant knowing and complete ease.
Well l’d like to say instant knowing and complete ease Rosanna however I did have a few pesky pictures to bump out of the way first. Something deeper in me did know from the first contact, but my mind had a few tricks up it’s sleeve I had to unravel first before it was a case of ‘complete ease’ 😉
Awesome Jenny, very real and so important to know that pictures are simply something that have to be bumped out of the way for our relationships to blossom and deepen.
Yes it was that simple – once recognised as a picture the whole ‘issue’ that came with it vanished. It was simply not valid and just got in the way of feeling what was actually true and real.
My husband and I use to do an appreciation program every night a few years ago but it slowly slipped away and after reading this blog about a week ago we have started doing it again. We have however expanded it to our other nightly routine, which is writing in our journals about the day we have had, at this end of each entry we write down all the things we love and appreciate about each other and then we read it aloud to the one another. The writing down feel like it grounds something in a way that makes it impossible to wash away.
Beautiful Sarah… how different would divorce statistics be if there was just a few minutes focus on this each day between couples. It takes work to build and deepen relationships and it takes a lot of work sometimes to be able to offer another person true love and true appreciation.
The most “sage” relationship advice I have ever received is from Serge Benhayon. The key understanding I have has been to love myself fully with a level of tenderness, honouring, deliciousness and forever deepening appreciation. With this underway, as a choice of the qualities I live, then these qualities I recognise in another and simply not be willing to compromise when things around me disharmonious. In otherwords I am already everything another person can only reflect this and confirm.
Until I started developing a relationship with myself which was more loving and caring my relationships with others do not deepen, no matter if I followed the best advice in the world.
Absolutely true Jenny…
Jennifer, so powerful was the advice shared in this blog that I put it into action as soon as I read the blog and sent messages to 2 people in my life about aspects of them that I appreciate. I’m going to keep that going as they’re both relationships that I would like to deepen. Thanks for sharing all that you have, it feels incredibly evolutionary.
Awesome Alexis, very cool to hear… I am sure they will be feeling it already!
Your mother’s advice sounds like it was from a woman who has been hurt by relationships and has not let it go. We need to discern peoples relationship advice as often this is the case
Whenever we give advice we must not give what we think, but what the person needs (not wants) to hear.
Yes, in the end, it is the truth and the honesty that people appreciate the most.
True relationship advice comes in a form that explains what is going on, helping us to understand the energies at play, the old hurts that are constantly manifesting and the emotional reactions we can all go into.
This allows a whole new dimension to relationships – thank you. A joy to read and see how we choose how we respond to others – do we let ourselves get annoyed and then dwell on this, or do we look at why we are getting annoyed and what is not there – ie appreciation.
Great blog seeing the value of what true relationship is and being inspired by the works of Serge Benhayon that solidly are lived and presented never pushed or imposed upon — which make them straightlyforward greatly to apply. Thank you Jennifer.
Yes Ariana,I recall that was also my first advise too “Be Love”, that transformed my life, it was just what I needed to hear at the time.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” These are some great wise words. When we can appreciate the depth of someone, there is no space for issues to arise.
It is absolutely magic when two people (or more) can express their true qualities in a relationship, and I love the practical examples you’ve shared. When we’re so focussed on meeting expectations or the relationship looking a certain way then this joy is totally missed out.
Agreed Susie, there is no joy in this way if the focus of the relationship is on meeting expectations. That means it is based on pictures of how it, they should be. There can be no ability to see true qualities when this is the view we are taking.
I have learned an enormous amount about relationships with myself and others since becoming a student of Universal Medicine. The quality of all relationships is founded on the level of self regard and love we hold for ourselves, without this we’re incapable of truly loving and deepening relationships with others.
Deeply inspiring to bring appreciation to the fore as the basis of deepening relationship.
Jenny, re-reading your blog stopped me in my tracks. I recognised I was in reaction to something, heading down the ‘blame’ runway and needed halting before it took a hold. Simply by switching to and expressing my appreciation of another, I recognised the learning I was being offered and was supported to re-connect more deeply to, rather than separate from them.
What a simple solution to a problem we create by not exercising our mouths and expressing appreciation to others and what they bring.
Yes, Jennifer, the tendency to see our faults first rather than our divine qualities is something to really examine and get to the bottom off, because it prevents us from growing and expanding, which we naturally do when we connect to the infinite depths who we truly are.
Yes a very effective way to hold ourselves back from living the fullness of who we are Janet… something we are both quite familiar with I am sure 😉
‘Being someone with a tendency until then to see faults well before I might acknowledge valuable attributes (both in myself and others), I pondered the potential impact of my husband not feeling the extent of appreciation for who he is and ALL that he brings that is true and amazing.’ When we shut down to ourselves and are no longer living from the essence of love that we are, in judgment of ourselves we naturally start to judge others so much so that we begin to go there as our default switch. When I observe children and their default pattern of expressing love very quickly after having felt hurt I am totally inspired. My own children are normally supported to come back around when they are confirmed and appreciated for who they are but more importantly can feel my own return to my own essence. When I am ‘on’ they are ‘on’. So in a sense, for someone to feel in full appreciation of themselves all we have to do is be in full appreciation of ourselves first – it all happens naturally thereafter.
I agree Michelle, when I am ‘on’ so are those around me, whether that’s my son, husband or other family and friends. If I am in a more critical space, whether that’s of myself or someone else, then they start to follow suit and will become less open too. We all affect one another, all the time… and it’s a choice to remain in that state, or to shift it. Appreciation is easy once we shift state.
When we can understand what you have shared here we get to appreciate our responsibility for our choices, not as a burden but as a loving expression of our innate wisdom and love for all knowing and connecting to all that is and all that we are a part of. It is in the connection to the all that sustains the loving expression – our commitment is to simply stay connected. Sometimes this can be easier said than done but as you say it simply comes down to a choice in each and every moment.
This is a beautiful exercise in truly taking a moment to stop and recall what I have truly appreciated about my partner in the day, to tune into those moments when we stand back and fully enjoy who they are and all they express. A firm reminder that our qualities precede all we do.
Yes Rowena, that’s something l’ve heard Serge Benhayon remind us of so many times I’ve lost count, but putting it into practise and living in a way that sees true qualities before what it is we do, is another thing altogether. It takes quite a bit of re-training and discipline, but as Christoph has said above, it just takes a sincere start and then a commitment to the job.
It can be difficult appreciating the other if we hold a lot of accumulated resentment but the start doesn’t need to be big. It could even be ‘yes, I don’t like x, y and z but he or she does a really well’ or ‘actually, I really b about my partner’. A sincere start is all it takes in the beginning and then it gets easier and easier and more joyful.
It seems simple doesn’t it, shine a light on the things that we want more of and choose not to focus on the things that we want less of .
Beautifully simple yes, when we see and appreciate the light and not the haze we confirm the truth of us as one.
Jennifer I absolutely love what you have shared here. It is a very simple technique and yet the results are absolutely extraordinary. I am getting to feel the power of appreciation, it is not a power of the same magnitude as love but my goodness it comes close.
Yes true Alexis, appreciation itself is not love, but it sure enables love to be felt and expressed in a way that enriches life enormously.
This blog reminds me too of the best relationship advice I was given from Serge Benhayon which was, claim your love. This has been an absolute joy to move forward in.
I love how the effort and focus brought into a pointed exercise has become something natural and constant for you both. A great example, thank you Jenny.
When we have ‘issues’ in our relationship it’s actually showing us that there is movement, we’re not just staying still. It’s an opportunity for us to express how we are feeling, to explore what’s really going on and to deepen what we already have together, rather than to let our perceived ‘differences’ pull us apart.
‘For all the relationship advice I have received over the years, I can safely say that little of it served me well; if anything it contributed only to the fact that I stayed in relationships that I really ought to have ended long before I did.’ …. gorgeous reminder for us to feel into the energy of any advice we’re being offered and whether it feels true. Advice can often come laced with reaction from the other persons hurts, which have nothing to do with us.
Yes exactly Alison, advice does generally come from either our own unresolved hurts and experiences, or our investment in others being or living a particular way. I know l’ve dished out my fair share of advice to my son in his earlier years, invested in what choices he made (because when I was honest, I saw that as reflecting on me). In the end it was him who pulled me up one day, expressing how it felt to him. I could feel the imposition and knew it had no impact other than to make him feel he was failing me.
Since letting that go, I seldom give ‘advice’… and if I do slip into doing so, it is evident very quickly by his response.
Brilliant Jennifer, this is so timely for me personally to read. It seems it’s so easy to slip into a place where we judge others and get irritated, blame them for hurts we think we have received. But what a turnaround the truth actually is: these issues mainly come from us failing to appreciate others and ourselves. There truly can’t be enough appreciation in our world.
Beautiful Ariana!
I had a great dream a few years back where I found myself in a huge circular library with enormous tomes on the shelves. The books were made of energy, pulsating. On the spine of each book I saw that the author’s name was ‘B.Love’. I woke up in such joy and laughing. I knew it was simply telling me to ‘Be Love’. But also I knew it was about the letter B and its numerology (which was relevant for my make-up) and also that the great teacher inspiring me had a name starting with ‘B’. there was more and more to this dream every time I pondered on it.
How amazing Jennifer to have absolutely no annoyance at all between the two of you. I will explore this way!
I love this blog. It gives me a warn cozy feeling. Such good sound advice that actually works!
Beautiful, fun, practical and deeply inspiring.
Relationships are about always deepening and learning together, but so much of the time we try and arrange our relationships into ‘suitable’ situations to not evolve, and to stay in a comfort that by no means actually feels comfortable, and so we become passive aggressive because underneath we are actually really frustrated and hurt. It is so beautiful to begin to open our eyes, to truly appreciate the beauty and reflection that another brings and to surrender and trust in the process that continually unfolds into deeper intimacy.
Yes, Jenny, relationships are an opportunity to constantly evolve, as there is so much we can learn about ourselves and the other, revealing and relinquishing any patterns or hurts we still hold onto.
So true Jenny, I don’t think l’ve ever approached irritations with a partner in this sort of way before, rather just accepted those things as part and parcel of being in a relationship. A bit like the thinking that successful relationships are about compromise, give and take, accepting the bad with the good… sort of thing. What l’ve discovered is that none of that is true, no compromise is needed and no settling for the bad moments just because the good ones outweigh them.
Advice is another person’s view on a situation. So we need to be very aware of what we are asking for when we seek advice and be very discerning in feeling what ‘baggage’ that person may be bringing to their advice. Is it going to support and evolve us, or is it just adding to the circulation energy that keeps us trapped in our own cycles?
Sage advice! It is so important we allow ourselves to feel the truth of where we are at and to also feel where another is at when we seek their council – that said, nuggets of truth can be felt by everyone and I have found them coming from unexpected sources!
That is possible and also if we are solid in who we truly are then all advice is a support almost. It’s not every cloud has a silver lining but it’s every relationship has a reflection and we are needing to move to that relationship with the care that’s needed in order to see what is truly being said to us. I agree that things come to us in all different ways and if the depth of our living care is hitting the mark then we will always have the answer truly to what is needed. Even if we are off the mark we can still read what and who’s parts are in it.
Yes true Ray, sometimes when I am unclear about something, hearing someone else’s ‘advice’ can be helpful in that it offers a point to feel what is actually true for me against. If it’s totally off the mark, I can often say more succinctly why it is, and hence start to hone in on what is true for me. The key is to not give power away to another to know more or better, but always be seeking to find resonance within yourself.
I really appreciate where this mini thread has gone. When i was younger I was very, very wary of advice and rarely sought it. In my case, this was definitely part of my fortress of protection. Seeking advice is in effect opening oneself up to being transparent and potentially seeing more; something that I have resisted for a long time. What’s interesting is that I still haven’t completely cleared it. Many times; at work, home, in relationships I can still feel a twinge of reaction, resistance, protection when someone offers me something. It’s super cool to feel this and be aware of it and I love how far I have come with this. I genuinely think it is a sign of a fully evolved person – he/she who can hear anything without any reaction.
I agree and I guess it’s not to gauge ourselves in relation to the “reaction” but more the speed at which our choice is to return from that reaction to a place where we can truly see what is happening again. As we know some reactions can be ‘hidden’ and carried for years or longer.
So what you’re saying Ray is that if we are open to seeing and feeling the reaction then actually the reactions become our friend – because they are a marker by which we can feel that we are still carrying something. Of course this necessitates us having the honesty and commitment to deal with them rather than bury them. It’s a very loving angle that you have brought to this; that supports us in our imperfections and holds our hand, guiding us back to heaven.
Yes and from my experience we are shown and taught to be ‘perfect’ and so you keep these type of things hidden from view. Anything that doesn’t fit into the ‘perfect picture’ or any picture is hidden from view. The trick is it is never truly hidden and it’s impossible to do so, all you can do is adopt a behaviour that seems to cover it up the best you can. The only things is that you are pretty much the only one that thinks you’ve been able to cover it up and it’s an exhausting time. Where if we were taught and shown that any reaction are just points for us to heal or a mark for us to look deeper into something then we would use far less energy attempting to cover them and we could just get on with the next part. As you are saying this takes a quality of “honesty and commitment” that can only be tapped by the quality you live.
I love what you are saying here Ray and Otto. Thank you. The cover-up in order to present the prefect picture is such a knee-jerk reaction with us as we have imagined that we have to protect ourselves from the energetic violence of scorn, criticism, labelled wrong or faulty, put down, in fact even banished from the land or annihilated physically! And what a trick this ‘cover-up’ is – a devastating contraction and reduction of our natural loving emanation. The greatest ‘protection’ comes from opening our hearts and letting the love flow through our body – the brilliant vascular immune system!
This is brilliant Ray. I’m right in the middle of this now. I am making a film and we are at the point where we start showing it to test audiences that then give their unfettered thoughts, feelings and responses. It can be a pretty brutal process with your endeavours torn into, with abandon! An incredible lesson in not reacting, reading where these comments might be coming from, seeing what the true reflection might be and then feeling into whether they would benefit the film or not. It is all a very useful process IF and ONLY IF, we don’t react. What it definitely pushes in me is the ‘being perfect’ thing that you are talking about. Making a movie is a complex affair; a path of zillions of choices, many of which we may not have got right; so imperfection is utterly understandable and acceptable, yet there is is still a part of me that is programmed to think that we should have got it right. Fascinating to feel this and beautiful to be having this very supportive conversation alongside what I am currently in. Thank you and thank you to this whole blog and everyone who is supporting this brilliant and world-changing expression.
That would be a film I am interested in taking a look at.
It’s funny and what just occurred to me that we perceive there is 2 parts, perfection and anything other then that is imperfection, fair enough you would say. What if there is only one part and it is neither of these in their current form? What if because we have bought into and carry these two parts brings their very existence in our world? What I see when we say them is the continuation of the looking for or the perception of perfection in a certain way or quality. You can see it’s not true because it’s a forever moving perfection that is somehow just never achieved. In place of looking for perfection or having a perception of what it was it may serve us more to feel whatever is in front of us as a quality.Nothing to measure it up against but more honouring of the quality you feel and trusting that fully. It matters not what happens next as you just appreciate the parts you felt and then move to the next part with the awareness you have just stepped with. We unfold this and it’s not improvement of a ‘picture’ but a consistent unfolding or expanding of a quality that has no right and wrong either but just a was and now is and the appreciation of both.
Just trying to find the correct place to reply to Otto’s comment about his new film going through the process with a test audience. That would certainly be quite a challenge Otto, especially with possibly most of the people viewing it speaking from reactivity caused by their own issues! It is tricky enough hearing one’ work pulled apart by even a very aware and loving reader/ viewer. As you say, hearing without reacting is paramount. I have experienced this in writing articles (much less complex than having so many strands in making a movie) for a brilliant website and have found it the most invaluable training ground for observation, detachment, discernment and speaking up, and this has extended over every area of my life, not just in writing – I am reluctantly learning to (a) gracefully accept ‘criticism when it has some true foundation and then going for a deeper, truer way of wording what I want to say. And (b) re-looking at what I have written and standing by something that is truly in tact and expansive already, and lovingly saying ‘no’ to the suggested change – strangely this was the trickiest thing for me as I hadn’t really surrendered to the all. All this has now given me the courage and love to be able to be honest about what I am feeling about someone else’s article when editing, knowing exactly what it feels like to be on the receiving end and so being aware that this is a healing delivered not a criticism. In this way we all continue to grow and evolve together, allowing the all that we already are to flow to the world. ‘Perfectionism’ is one gigantic blockade to the expansion of truth through expression because it keeps one utterly identified with individuality..
‘In fact some of them I never should have started!’ How many times have you found yourself having to deal with a complicated situation knowing that from the beginning you didn’t feel to be part of it? If you anything like me the answer is A LOT! The amazing point being though that we actually know when we take those steps and can even pinpoint how, where and why it happened.
Exactly Susan, and that became very obvious after a short while… if l’d find myself annoyed or taking issue with someone, anyone, l’d find myself pulling up and reminding myself that I was only feeling that way because I hadn’t appreciated. It has always been true thus far!
Yes it has a very distinct feeling that accompanies it, which is what makes it easy to discern from ‘talking yourself up’. Appreciation can only be true if it is in recognition of a true quality, from our essence. Hence whether you are the one seeing it and expressing it about another, or the one receiving the expression of something in you, it engages the essence of who we are, and that is always expansive and spacious within the body. Flattery on the other hand has none of those qualities and is empty of the expansive warmth offered by appreciation.
Haha so true Susan, you can’t ‘talk yourself up’ in true appreciation as it is always a confirmation of something felt and known, and not a convincing. The mantra exposes the fact that no true appreciation is there, for if it is, there is no need to repeat it over and over.
I love this conversation Susan and Jennifer, about the difference between the exquisitely loving feeling of true appreciation, felt in the body, and the empty ra-ra and boasting affirmation of ‘I am amazing’. The energy of the latter is ugly and damaging to the body.
Yes absolutely true Lyndy, the energy of the affirmation is the same as the energy we are trying to change (or perhaps deny) when we take on an affirmation. Hence nothing changes and we continue in the same damaging pattern, just repeating in our heads the words we think represent the preferred state.
Exactly Jennifer – we have countered the lack of self-worth and loathing (which is not our truth) with a mental statement ‘I am amazing’, without changing the false energy that we were already entertaining within and about ourselves – a self-defeating exercise to be sure! The affirmation ‘sounds’ good but it further plunges us into defeat. I know we are saying the same thing in different words, but this is such a valuable piece of wisdom (held within us all but often lost) that it bears repeating!
Beautiful Jenny and very timely. I was pondering on my relationships with others recently and how I always find the faults. I decided I would try a different way and focus on their qualities. That doesn’t mean I’ll put up with unacceptable behaviours, I just won’t make those things (if they occur) the focus nor hold the person to them. I’ll hold the person to who they are in truth and what is divine about them. A work in progress.
Nikki thats a really important point, if we focus on the qualities it at least means that we have a starting point of truth to them see where the relationship is compared to what we know it can be. to me tis cuts so much judgement as when I just look at the bad I am instantly judging.
And with this, if the relationship is consistently far from that point of truth, we can call it as that and not go into blame and relationship dramas. It keeps it quite simple in that it is not the truth that the relationship is.
Absolutely Jane… pure gold is missed when there is a lack of appreciation.
Wow… the power of appreciation… “Appreciation of one another’s true value… is now just part of the foundation we call our relationship.” So many workplaces could do with this advice.
It is really interesting that in life we often look to others for advice in our relationships, despite the fact those people themselves often have issues with relationships. We don’t often stop and take it back to the basics of expressing the love and appreciation for our partners we really feel
When there has been a disagreement/argument between two people and they each seek advice from two different people it is possible that they have they receive will simply mirror what they have presented to that person unless the person they speak to reads what is truly happening and answers in a way which is encompassing of all.
I agree, Jane. The ‘deficit’ perspective keeps us in a state of disempowerment and exhaustion, with the feeling that we will never get ‘there’. Appreciation helps us to accept that we have it all, right here, right now.
Yes, Jennifer, I would agree that appreciation is super important, because it supports us to expand our awareness of who we truly are as well as deepen our love and connection with one another.
I agree Janet, appreciation is super important, something I have been working on myself which has been supporting me in deepening my awareness, love and connection.
I love how all your issues with each other dissolved. Appreciation is pure magic!
Super cool indeed, ‘melted away’. There is no space for issues in appreciation – only growth, opportunity to learn, accept, let go of pictures, past experiences. So refreshing!
Best relationship advice I ever received was not through words, but through joining the Benhayon family for a dinner or two. I was welcomed in full by a family that would otherwise look like they belong in a parallel universe (wife and ex-wife at the same table with not one ounce of emotion – just love) and shown that there can be family with no bitterness. There can be dinner with no relief. There can be love with No compromise.
Love with no compromise. This is the love that breaks down all false concepts, beliefs, and reintreptations and asks us to be nothing less than who we truly are.
Well said, Jane …. and how, in truth, can we even know what’s missing or what needs ‘fixing’ if we are not already appreciating everything that is there, everything that we all have to offer.
Alison it is only through appreciating can we move forward and expand.
Taking a moment to appreciate the qualities of another is often the path less travelled particularly in the moment when one has an issue with another. It is quite a remarkable exercise to do as it dismantles any niggle of irritation and offers up a wider scope of seeing a clearer perspective of things.
Yes, it creates a base of goodwill in the relationship.
‘In fact some of them I never should have started!’ …. however, things always happen for a reason, there is always a lesson to learn and I’ve found mostly the ‘bad’ choices teach me the most! In fact, they are not really bad if they allow me to never repeat that same step/pattern again, they’re a gift.
Alison, I feel the ‘bad’ choices we make (or one could call them the choices not impulsed from love) are never a ‘gift’. Most certainly it is crucial that we see them as the illusion that they are and move on, but we never really needed them in the first place because they are the spirit’s way of hanging onto its individuality. Seeing ‘bad’ choices as stepping stones or gifts is a part of the spiritual new age consciousness and is the spirit’s way of keeping us trapped in the cycle so that we will stay individual – and there is Pollyanna comfort in it. They are simply an alignment to something not true.
We have introduced appreciation days at work where we send someone a card with a message about how we appreciated them. I think its a great start to us valuing each other in the workplace.
The advice about living with three men first before marrying to me is like looking for three quotes before you buy a washing machine. Relationships are not products, they are living gifts of interactivity between beautiful beings and your contribution here Jenny shows us that they require constant appreciation to keep them alive, harmonious and fulfilling, qualities that we evolve not purchase.
Too true Rowena… crazy advice when you look at it, though l’m sure her rationale at the time made perfect sense to her, most likely based on her own experience as ‘advice’ generally is. That was the difference with what Serge Benhayon offered… it wasn’t really advice but a truth about an aspect of relationships. Taking it on and applying it became the best sort of advice… mainly because it actually wasn’t 😉
Jennifer, thank you for the inspiration, I am now also experimenting with regular appreciation in my relationship too.
This shows the power of appreciation in all relationships, Jennifer, it can turn everything around from negativity, and being critical to positively knowing we are all love. It takes away the investment we have in ourselves with appreciation of all around us.
The only relationship advice I was given by my mother was like a death knell, ‘Never trust a man’ . I didn’t and consequently, for both my sister and I, all relationships were doomed to fail and did. Until now. Now I understand that it was my Mother’s own hurt and disappointment that led her to hold and pass this belief down to her daughters. I had to kill this belief before I could appreciate and trust men again and value their true worth unconditionally.
The power of appreciation with our selves and with everyone of our relationships with people is so enormous and something that makes so much sense and yet is so much not appreciated in the world . I love your sharing Jenifer and the quality of appreciation you offer to be seen for the love it truly is.
Jenny, you confirm the essence of change between two people. For it to be felt and integrated in our lives, both parties have to be open and willing to change and commit to practice (playfully) until the new is in place. In other words, we have to work at it. It doesn’t just happen.
Completely agree. It is the bedrock yet not one that we are told about growing up.
Receiving appreciation from another supports me to feel spacious and more present in my body.
‘Each time something of truth was shared, we both felt expansive and confirmed in who we are, being beautiful, most definitely divine and oh, so worthwhile!’ This brings tears to my eyes Jennifer. If only every couple and every friend would do this with the other, the world would be a different place and we would be well on our way up the starry steps to Heaven.
What a lovely blog Jenny, it’s so true that if we embarked on appreciating each other well before then the niggles and Idiosyncracies are seen in a different light.
The relationship advice I got was to keep using girls till I found one that was good looking and cool enough to keep. I was advised that anyone below a certain standard of looks would be unacceptable and anyone with dubious histories with relationships would taint my reputation. I was also advised that whilst I wasn’t in a relationship I should try and get “as much” as I could. And here I am, a tender man who loves women deeply yet I too was swayed by the forces that came. What is it that gets to us? What is it about that pressure that we go against EVERYTHING our bodies know is true?
Michael, I love your honesty in your sharing. Could it be that we are so desperate to fit in that we are prepared to do anything regardless of what we absolutely know to be true?
I too Michael have gone on that same wayward trip of using every pointer to a ‘great’ relationship except one which took into account Love, the true energy of Love. I would find someone witty, gorgeous looking, magnetic, brilliant etc etc. who said that they were head-over heels in love with me, and would even also display some pretty ‘loving’ behaviours, but not take into account the level of hurt and thus abuse that person would be carrying.
This is a great opportunity to reflect on the “not so sage” relationship advice that I have received.
The one that came immediately to mind was “stay (in relationship) until I’m absolutely 100% sure I’d never go back). What I realize with this is it overrides my true/initial impulse that things simply aren’t going to work out. So taking on this advise was a deepening of self-doubt.
Wow Sandra, that makes me realise I think I imposed that one on myself… I would stay until l’d exhausted every last possibility or hope that it might realise it’s supposed potential. l’m not so sure any of those relationships really did have true potential, not as I know it now. It was really just a good excuse to stay and be secure, forever in the ‘hope’ it would be what I thought I wanted.
So true Jenny – this are all the justifications I chose as well – thanks for putting them out in the light to be seen and felt for what they were.
Super interesting that I am currently learning to appreciate more of the qualities I have and bring and that this is then bringing more appreciation to everyone with whom I have a relationship with. Equally when someone appreciates you it asks you to have the same appreciation for yourself too.
Great point. If the appreciation is true and it is hard to accept fully, then it exposes that there needs to be a deeper level of self-appreciation. The nest needs to be made before the eggs can be laid.
There is something amazing about bringing appreciation to the root of our relationship issues – simply bringing all the love we really feel to the fore and expressing it when often we allow the issues to get in the way
How do we know whether to stay in a relationship or not? Sometimes we blame the other for our misery when it is us who can choose to change. I have experienced a long term relationship where we ended up sniping at each other – the complete opposite of the appreciation you describe here. Instead of seeing each other’s qualities, we focused on each other’s faults – or at least, that’s what I did and not surprisingly the relationship fell apart. We might not like some of the things our partners do or accept some of their beliefs, but that does not mean they are without beautiful qualities too. As so many of us are discovering, men have the most beautiful tenderness deep inside and qualities that are heart meltingly gorgeous, if we can see past their behaviours to the jewel inside then all our relationships will have a better opportunity to deeply evolve.
It is very easy to react to your partner and appreciation creates a base which says ‘no matter how much I react, I will not treat my partner worse than this’. After a while ‘this’ can be very loving indeed.
APPreciation is an APP that we should all use!
Yes, it is a truly useful app!
App App Hooray!😊
Awesome Otto – this is the absolute APP that will offer the true medicine that will support me through the moments of today.
What made your experiment in appreciation have this deepening effect was your stipulation that it had to be about quality and not the ‘doing’ of anyone thing.
I love this, Jennifer, as it shows us how natural it is to appreciate one another, once we appreciate how key appreciation is (!) in supporting each other to grow and expand.
Ditto Janet I fully agree, its certainly key and something I’ve almost always avoided pre universal medicine.
It’s inspiring the way that you both worked with the information that you had. The quote from Serge Benhayon is obviously absolute gold, but without putting in to practice it remains just words. I love how it came alive in your life through daily practice.
Appreciation keeps our focus on the bigger picture and pulls our heads out of our own petty issues. Its hard to get annoyed with someone when we focus on their grandness.
It is so easy to get caught up in one remark or behaviour of another but it brings us nowhere if we stay annoyed, and the interesting part is how it is really just one little speck/moment/pocket of the entire person/being. There is indeed so much more beauty and gorgeousness about each and every one that it is almost ridiculous that we let relationships be ruled by our likes and very much dislikes.
Wow Jennifer, this is so beautiful. I am inspired to fully appreciate all those that I am in relationship with including myself from now on.
Yes I agree. A super beautiful blog.
Powerful relationship advice from Serge Benhayon. ‘ ‘If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” Really does bring everything back to us and stops us from getting stuck in patterns that focus on faults and push us away from truly loving one another.
Jenny you’ve inspired me to share your blog with others. Only last week I was with someone who only saw faults in another and felt drained and unhappy because they felt they were not being appreciated! I can see how this blog and your simple way could help unlock the block that prevents them from fully appreciating the person before them.
I have a guy who works for me and some of his idiosyncrasies do me in at times, so since reading this blog I have switched the focus to the fact that he is a good worker and I am appreciating him for the fact that he supports me with his work ethic and have found this has helped a lot. A little appreciation goes a long way.
I too have had a similar experience with a colleague at work. It took me a while to see through the ‘fog’, but we now have a blossoming relationship and my appreciation of him has brought the best out of him – and, I might add, out of me!
Fog is a good way to describe this Otto. I’m allowing myself to be with the appreciation in certain relationships and can feel the fog dissipating. I’ve also realised that appreciating myself leaves no room for needing others to appreciate me and supports me to stand in greater observation and read what plays out without reacting or getting caught in the fog.
Without need, you can’t get hooked.
‘there was still the inevitable navigation of our particular idiosyncrasies, or to be more precise, the areas where we were each still inclined to get triggered by one another.’ I love the reality of this sentence Jenny. Often we do not go into or be awre of this in new relationships, then when something comes up to work through and bring love to – we are not as prepared and holding of love for the other.
‘Appreciation of one another’s true value is now a natural and constant exchange between us..’ What a beautiful foundation to live and build on each day. How inspiring within a relationship with another and also with oneself.
‘Each time something of truth was shared, we both felt expansive and confirmed in who we are, being beautiful, most definitely divine and oh, so worthwhile!’ – what a beautiful exercise to share together, Jenny – bringing your focus to all that there is to celebrate in each other and in your relationship together.
So sublime Jennifer, what you share just goes to show how futile it is when we try to push, solve and fix other people’s difficulties. But when we share the truth, as you have done here, who knows where this expansion will lead. The appreciation you describe is so natural for us to know yet so rare to hear or see people living this way. Thank you for highlighting this today and inspiring us to live in a more appreciative way.
I rather misguidedly took advice from others in the past about relationships and ended up in situations that did not support me or feel good. Had I listened to my body, and acted on what I felt and not what I thought others wanted me to do, I imagine my past realtionships would have been very different. But ultimately, I made those choices, and cannot blame anyone else for the decisions I made.
This is true for me too Sandra. One piece of advice shared with me was to try out relationships because they might turn out to be great. Yet they often did not turn out to be test. But looking back – if I had allowed my body to have a say and listened to my heart then there are relationships I simply would not have entered into. This brings it back to the importance of really knowing ourselves, our essence and being aware of how our body is communicating with us. For if we choose to be aware then overriding our feelings is not as easy.
“Each time something of truth was shared, we both felt expansive and confirmed in who we are, being beautiful, most definitely divine and oh, so worthwhile!” The power of truth is incredible and as someone who avoided truth at all costs I never appreciated what I was missing.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” I could well say the same about myself! I know that I have had many issues with myself simply because I haven’t stopped to really appreciate my worth and what I bring just by being me!
Yes great point Michelle… so true!
Yes great point, I can relate to that one.
We have been programmed and have programmed ourselves to see the ‘fault’ first and not the exquisite Son of God –this action then perpetuates the criticism, judgment and conflict that ensues. On top of that we use as an individual. Observation goes out the door then, and we get stuck in a vicious cycle.
It’s a great confirmation that you share: when something is started with a conscious choice and committed to it becomes in time part of the overall foundation/livingness of the day.
People generally give advice according to their own experiences or what you want to hear as a reflection, only those who are open to all possibilities will read things clear and without prejudice and judgement.
Very true, Michael, especially when there is an attachment or an investment in the relationship – then any advice given will not jeopardise the status quo of the relationship, therefore, it’s already compromised. The more we appreciate ourselves and each other, these attachments and investments will naturally fall away.
True Michael. Often our advice comes from things we’ve made mistakes with – but connecting, observing and responding in each moment lets us see things more clearly rather than get to the end point of needing to learn something from not being aware first.
The message I receive very clearly from this blog is Appreciation, Appreciation and more Appreciation to enjoy a deeply honest and true relationship. Thank you for sharing this story Jenny.
Appreciation is so powerful.
‘the healing in this exercise was often felt more in the expressing than it was in receiving back.’ I agree Jenny expressing my appreciation feels very liberating and it deepens the connection I have with another but also equally in myself. It confirms the joy and love that is always present the moment we connect and we allow space in our lives.
Appreciation is one of many great tools we can introduce in our lives to turn the tide on self abuse, disharmony in relationships and the struggle with which we perceive life.
So true Matilda, it is the bedrock of a truly loving life… without it we leave ourselves open to self-abuse, self-doubt, lack of confidence, lack of self-worth… the list goes on.
To express appreciation to another is truly beautiful, especially when we feel the love that feeds us back is the love we have already known within ourselves.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” Implementing this advice and the issues diminish in significance, become less emotionally charged and able to be addressed objectively, if they still exist.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” Wow, this is so true and so simple. Appreciation is the key to loving relationships.
Jennifer, I love the fact that you took the time to appreciate the essence of each other which then built the relationship. This is beautiful.
I’ve noticed that lack of appreciation builds resentment, lack of appreciating oneself, of others, and they of you. It is the thing that allows us to keep perspective and not react from that void.
We are so easy and quick to criticise another and ourselves, that to appreciate feels a bit alien at first, but with beginning, it does come easier and transformations do happen as a result.
This is beautiful and amazing advice – one that doesn’t try and tell you what to do but supports you and your partner to grow
Ahhh appreciation. What a magic ingredient in relationships. How amazing that issues can dissolve when we appreciate someone.
Yes, Jenny, this appreciation business is a lot more powerful and important than I certainly have given it credit for in the past. It is a key ingredient of living and loving, and something I am now beginning to practice with myself and others.
If I have an issue with someone, I haven’t appreciated them well before. This actually makes so much sense as when you do react to someone, once past the initial reaction, you realise its not about them at all, then you get to see them through eyes of love and then appreciation is easy.
Yes, it is important that we not only appreciate others but we equally appreciate ourselves, if we do not appreciate ourselves then we cannot truly appreciate another.
‘Each time something of truth was shared, we both felt expansive and confirmed in who we are, being beautiful, most definitely divine and oh, so worthwhile!’ What a beautiful experience of confirmation of another that has supported both of you to be more of who you are which meant any niggles naturally dispersed.
“I found the healing in this exercise was often felt more in the expressing than it was in receiving back.” Yes it is the activation of the expression of appreciation that really does the expansion, and makes you feel that you are just as amazing too. Only receiving someone telling you how amazing you are will never ever get in if we do not express love out ourselves (personal experience :-)).
Jennifer, this article is brilliant, I love this; ‘we built a foundation of love and respect for each other’s true value’, I feel very inspired to work on appreciation with my partner as this feels very building and confirming, thank you.
Thanks Jenny. Your words of wisdom keep popping into my head at the most opportune moments and they work. Bringing appreciation in at the first sign of any annoyance restores the bigger picture and the way we all bring something unique and very beautiful into the world.
You’re welcome Rowena, l’ve found that too… the first sign of annoyance or critique of someone and my own words come back to me. However much I might want to indulge in pursuing those feelings, I can’t because I know there’s no excuse that justifies them… and that holding that attitude doesn’t help anyone.
When we appreciate others it removes bricks that were going to be put into the wall.
It is far too easy to focus on the faults of our partners and the niggles can easily escalate. How many failed marriages or relationships could have been saved if the appreciation approach was widely known and implemented.
Great point Kevmchardy, and interestingly, we are rarely taught to appreciate in this way by society, by our families or our education system. But when we apply and live true appreciation it is so natural to us and it makes me wonder perhaps we don’t need to be taught because it feels more like a reminder.
It is just a reminder and the most effective way to be reminded and to remind others is through reflection.
Our tendency to focus on what is wrong comes actually from us living a lesser life than the glory we actually are because of not appreciating this glory in the first place. And of course this plays out in all parts of our lives until we break through the old patterns by introducing appreciation to the grandness that we are and express in life. Therefore appreciation is very much needed to get us out of this right and wrong which actually does not belong to this world.
Many of our mothers gave us relationship advice so far from what I have heard from my friends they were not good. My mother’s advice to me was “That if I wanted to keep a man then when I had sex I needed to grin and bear it if I did not like it”….mmm not so great advice !!!!
This is a beautiful blog to return to again and again – each time I read it I get an even deeper sense of how appreciation in relationships is key, the key we’ve all been looking for. Thank you Jenny for sharing this with us all.
This sharing is as must read Jennifer! It would help so many of us to have this example on how to be in relationship, and hopefully we will see this happen in the education of our children of the future.
What would society look like if we all appreciated ‘every-one’ we meet? Maybe all the ‘comparison’ would fade away? Then all ‘jealousy’ would be a thing we do not understand, as it becomes a thing of the past! What you are sharing Jennifer, has so many ramification that can develop us all so we can become much more loving by simply appreciating.
We are constantly being bombarded by false ideals, beliefs, images in life through a plethora of different mediums. We soak them up like a sponge resulting in us trying to attain the impossible, because these goals and ideals are not true. They hold us hostage, filling us with hope and lies until we choose to see the light and realise how we have been duped all along. Then, re-connecting with our gorgeous self is such an enormous blessing and we wonder why on earth it has taken us so long.
The problem with advice can be that it often comes from another who, generally, doesn’t know us as well as we know ourselves and can be tainted by their own hurts and experience. Advice can be about how to ‘fix’ something, rather than seeking truth. What is so gorgeous with this piece of advice, “If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”, is that it is a simple statement of truth, presented with love, offering a gift which can be taken or not.
I can’t tell you how relevant your blog is to my life at the moment. I go annoyed with someone’s behaviour yesterday instead of deeply appreciating them first. Interesting I feel an immense amount of appreciation for this person and feel it daily, so there is also something going on in me that has caused me to act with annoyance.
I can really relate to what you say here Jennifer: ‘Being someone with a tendency until then to see faults well before I might acknowledge valuable attributes (both in myself and others), I pondered the potential impact of my husband not feeling the extent of appreciation for who he is and ALL that he brings that is true and amazing.’ It can be easy to get lost in the trees of faults (which are not that person anyway!) instead knowing the beauty of the forest. Having an overview and interview is paramount for the wellbeing of ourselves and our planet.
What beautiful advice to bring to every possible situation. I can sense the niggles are actually a little bell to become aware that we are detouring away from the essence of ourselves and in turn our thoughts are trying to take others with us – where very understandably they wouldn’t want to go and ‘shy away/ put the hand brake on in their own way.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” Awesome advice as appreciation is a huge aspect of strengthening our love foundations with ourselves and of course others, as they are after all, our reflection.
As I was reading I was considering this statement by Serge Benhayon… “If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” My issue is most often with myself – self-criticism etc, and from reading this, I realised how little I appreciate myself! My task now is to appreciate something about myself every day 🙂 Thank you for your inspiration Jennifer.
I know that too Paula, that self criticism or not being good enough thoughts while at the same time I am that amazing man many people are appreciative about. How can we be so blind for the true qualities we constantly bring into expression and comfortable to stay with the not being good enough thoughts instead.
This advice could work for many relationship issues……. I applied it to my relationship and the expansion on offer (for the second time) is HUGE………
My husband and I have no intricacies we get annoyed at yet, I know we are at a point that is asking us to go deeper with each other. To connect more to the essence of each other in most moments rather than the physicality life wants us to see and acknowledge first and foremost….. Awesome advice and sharing Jenny and Serge.
There is pure gold in what Jenny has shared here in that I have noticed that there is a direct correlation between the times I have not appreciated my daughter’s beautiful essence and what she brings to the world and when I tended to nag her about things like unfinished chores and was in reaction to her behaviour. However, when we as a family were taking time at each dinner together to say something we appreciated about each other’s natural qualities, those things that previously annoyed me seemed so inconsequential.
Another bonus to the incredible medicine called appreciation. You could say a dose or many a day keep the doctor away.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” – SB. I am going to have to print this one on a large sheet of paper and pin it to the wall as a beautiful reminder. But what I love about what Jennifer has shared in this blog is that it is also about bringing this to yourself and appreciating yourself, though this can at times feel harder than appreciating another.
Jenni this is GOLD what you have shared and something we can take into any relationship!
Wow – you managed in six months what we put together in 20 years and I feel we have done well. Jennifer, what you and your partner have done is amazing.
That’s quite amazing Jennifer. It’s interesting because I long to not find faults in others and at the same time it’s almost as though I am addicted to them! But if I consider that what I’m looking for is basically imperfections within myself, then it makes good sense that I’m reflected back with the imperfections of others. No one is perfect, but we certainly have a choice whether to focus on little things and perceive them as big things as opposed to focusing on all that is grand about the person, and hence appreciating ourselves in the same moment.
When going deeper it is very important to not make appreciation about function and usefulness but about someone’s innate qualities, those that require teasing out; the ones that can’t be covered in just a few facile words. This kind of communication asks us to feel at a more refined level and as you say, it enriches us just as much if not more than the recipient.
It is also a very joyful process!
Serge Benhayon offers the world so much wisdom in everything he presents. This shows that if you take just 1-2 sentences, ponder on them, incorporate them into your life, miracles can occur.
Absolutely true Sarah, if we took any one thing, as you say, just a couple of sentences from Serge Benhayon and actually apply them fully into our lives, we can transform and evolve enormously. There is so much gold offered, we just have to live it to know.
I love how Serge Benhayon never ever sides with anyone at the expense of another, and never ever points the finger at anyone or agree with anyone else doing so. Whatever the issue presented to him, his loving words of wisdom always encourage self responsibility and the deepening of love, care and understanding of all others.
“Interestingly, I found the healing in this exercise was often felt more in the expressing than it was in receiving back.” How true this is. By expressing everything that we know to be true from all that we know we are, we not only appreciate and confirm another but we are also embodying our own appreciation of ourselves by virtue of the fact that we are expressing with confirmation what we know to be true from our bodies.
Most of the relationship advice I received from friends was based on their own personal experiences and nothing to do with what is possible or whether it was the right fit.
Speaking out truth and live and support each other in this is the most greatest attraction I can feel towards my partner. The word attraction gets a total new sense!
Love it Steffi! So beautiful to feel the openness of heart and then from this comes us naturally being drawn to the other and hence the expansion and sharing of the opennes even more!
What I get from this blog is that if we only focus on the faults or imperfections in relationships these can seem bigger than they actually are. Focusing on the qualities builds a foundation that allows us to observe and address the issues from a very different perspective.
The gold of simplicity. This is a beautiful article that inspires and invites me to embrace and practise appreciation more and more, with my partner, colleagues, children, everyone I interact with daily and this is not a superficial pleasantry but an acknowledgement and celebration of a felt quality. Thank you, Jennifer.
Amazing, what your share in your own life and also the quote you have been inspired by, offered by Serge Benhayon. I am inspired myself in my relationships, I look forward having a play!
And then, through this expanded expression of appreciation of our partners, we will then take that into the world and meet others in the same way. Judgement, comparison and separation begin to crumble.
We always see what we want to see. So if we focus on what bugs us rather than what we appreciate about another, it is bound to change our experience of that person and our relationships.
This kind of ‘homework’ could transform every relationship in this world. How awesome. The potential impact of this is huge.
Appreciation is key to enjoying life in full.
My husband called me today saying that he wanted us to start doing this thing we use to do at night again, the appreciation of each other. For a while we were doing it and then we let it slip away, I thought it was such a wonderful idea and was so glad that he brought it up. I just noticed that my husband has comment on this blog earlier today, which made me smile as I see where he got the idea from…hehehe. That is the living proof of the inspiration this blog offers.
Bingo and ditto! I and my wife have signed up too!
Ah Ha! and may I share there is now a threesome of us, in the lined-up as I also felt to return to appreciation every day as part of our rhythm! Maybe Jennifer Appreciation society is on the cards?
We have also re-implemented our daily appreciation for each other. A busy life is no excuse, not to daily express our appreciation to others.
Haha that is too cool you guys… look forward to hearing how you all go 😉
And so the ripples, ripple….
In résponse to your message Steve Matson; it is within the busyness of life that I find appreciation becomes ever more important. The power of just stopping, even if it is for a few minutes and observing, deepening and appreciating is powerful medicine for all parties.
I think my relationship education was mainly observation of my own parents and the various statements denigrating men, neither of which prepared me to see men as absolute equals and to appreciate the qualities men and women bring to any relationship, whether it be at home or at work. What Serge Benhayon has presented is about how we have emotional needs of each other and how these needs are often left unsatisfied and set us up for poor arrangements in the future. Treating each other with dignity and respect can be hard when we feel challenged, but it is what we need to do.
I can so relate to this Carmel. When I look back I can see that the reflection I was getting from my parents’ relationship was very, shall we say, “limited”. I hold no judgement of them and indeed am very appreciative of them for their choosing to get a divorce; which then allowed me to trust what I was feeling and know that there was more than what I was seeing.
This awareness would offer a release of ‘guilt’ to a lot of parents.
I love and recognize what you shared specifically about your expression of appreciation of the other:
‘the healing in this exercise was often felt more in the expressing than it was in receiving back.’
It gives so much space in my body, light in my eyes and joy in my body if I allow myself to express the depth of the qualities I observe in another.
I agree with what you share… appreciating another does seem to iron out problems and difficulties. I tried this with a close friend where we were have some sticking problems. When we both began to appreciate the qualities in another we found getting over our hurdles much easier.
A simple exercise with profound results. What I love is how after the initial practical application, appreciation very quickly became a lived way with no effort involved.
The expansion in your relationship is palpable Jennifer, and we can take this and learn to do it in all relationships. I have found many times that a ‘one liner’ from Serge Benhayon is very often life changing.
Reading the teaching from Serge my body really dropped. Yet it is so simple we avoid this thing called appreciation. Although it is, like you are the living proof it, the answer to all arguments, fights etc.. For me even one slight thought towards myself that is not appreciative and instead judgemental or frustrated, my whole way of behaving towards someone else does change also. It is so subtle sometimes and “known” that it really needs a focus on this. Because when I am in appreciation to myself I can observe other peoples choices and don´t get involved in it or tempted to judge.
Wow Jennifer, thank you for sharing how you applied Serge Benhayons’ statement to your life and relationship. So simple yet profound. A great one to look at and work with in my life and relationships. Inspiring.
Beautiful, Jenny. What you have committed to together sounds very honouring and super playful. Once we starting appreciating ourselves and one another we realise there are ever new depths of intimacy to be enjoyed.
If you ever have trouble getting to know someone, just appreciate them!
Simple but true Joshua, and may I add that getting to “know” our-self, the True-self can take a bucket full of appreciation!
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”
What I love so much about this quote is that it is asking us to take responsibility for how we are in the relationship, the part we play. To honour ourselves, and everyone else, by meeting the other person for the divine being that they are. How we are in one relationship is a reflection of what we bring to all relationships.
Expressing appreciation is crucial for all relationships – similar to a well-oiled machine that can then run smoothly through the ups and downs of everyday life.
“Appreciation of one another’s true value is now a natural and constant exchange between us, no longer a pointed exercise” – Amazing that this has become part of your routine instead of being left to ‘one off’ pointed comments in your relationship. And because appreciation does’t have to be expressed in words but can be a movement forwards, or deepening of a quality in the relationship, it goes hand in hand with evolution, increased love, understanding and conversation quality.
“Relationship advice” – is from the relationship of ourselves.
Same here the amount of relationship advice I’ve also received hardly ever served me, it was only the advice from Serge Benhayon and others where I have looked first at myself and then seeing what is coming to that relationship that helps make sense of things. When we make relationships just about what we see and not energy, nothing makes sense. – Add in energy, free will and then there is the ability to have love in all relationships.
This revealing blog make me ponder, what would it take for me to let go of my list of grievances and appreciate instead? And can it still work just by doing it in my mind first, before I actually say something to them? It seems so much easier for us to wallow in our long lists of “what they are not”. This makes me ponder how willing am I to truly see a lasting change?
Or do I get some sort of identification out of having my list and some sort of relief in being able to express my frustrations out at another?
Irena, you comment feels like a call to action for me, thank you.
Beautiful confirmation of how to deepen in intimacy and love with another. Appreciation is a fundamental in all our relationships – not just lip service appreciation but right to the nub of essence appreciation.
I love the way you put what was presented by Serge Benhayon to work in your own life. The truth speaks for itself.
When we choose to appreciate everyone we meet for the qualities they bring to us, then surely there can be no comparison. We are all special in our own way and all of us have something to bring and share and it is this aspect of the all of us that makes up the whole that we come from.
When we don’t express what we appreciate in others are we not building a foundation with holes?
That would make us holy, would it not?
Thank you. I appreciate all that is shared in this article and the truth that appreciation reveals the more to be appreciated.
This blog came to mind when I had a niggle with someone come up, and I asked myself if I was appreciating that person or not, and obviously, I was not. Thank you for sharing.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” The issue I had was with myself which needless to say affected all my relationships! Now that I appreciate all that I am and bring – my life has become so much richer in terms of my connection and openness with people.
Such an important point, the appreciation starts in our own backyard first….
What you have shared is truly amazing and so supportive, it is interesting how we find criticism and judgement so easy to roll off our lips, yet appreciation comes way down the line.
It is not something we have received or learned when we were young, we learned the opposite, to criticise and judge ourselves and others, at least I remember the general mistrust I had in people when I grew up. Nevertheless I feel it is natural to us to appreciate, our whole body expands when we do so.
So true Alison & Annelies, I find the moment I stop appreciating actually, the negative stuff starts coming in… it’s relentless. Like if I don’t choose what else fills the gaps, then the negative stuff will.
When we focus on the whole, not parts, we see much more. That you Serge Benhayon, for your wise and loving guidance.
Very true Kehinde… appreciating true qualities in someone does open our eyes to so much more about someone. We are so finely tuned to pick up faults and only see them and not the whole, as you say.
Beautifully expressed, Kehinde, the whole is so much more than all the parts. And when you only focus on the parts or on some parts you don’t appreciate that much, someone’s essence is lost.
Why does it seem to be so much easier to see the faults in someone or ourselves before we see their attributes? This blog certainly takes care of that, thanks Jenny this has the formula to change many a relationship.
The potential of all relationships being like this is huge – if every relationship we have where based on appreciation many things would change. It all starts with self-appreciation.
`Sometimes people are moe comfortable accepting reflections that appreciate functional roles rather than an inner qualities. This happened to me recently.. When I expressed my appreciation to a family member about the support they had given me over seven years, their response was to say ‘but I was only doing my job” Not easily deflected, I re-confirmed the specific qualities they had that I found immensely supportive. It is important to express our appreciation of others whenever we can.
Jenny, thanks for sharing this, its really helpful to read; “If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” I love how simple this is.
Me too Rebecca, and how totally transforming it be.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” This has to be the most essential key to unlock any relationship and is after all what we are all wanting when we get together. When we appreciate each other’s qualities, it supports us to call on them during those awkward or challenging moments and to excel in them when the going is good. Awesome blog and one that has definitely ignited a new game to play around the world!
“Interestingly, I found the healing in this exercise was often felt more in the expressing than it was in receiving back.” I find this a very interesting observation. It feels that the reflection shows that the the more truthful and honest we are the greater the healing and this is further deepened when it is lovingly acknowledged .
Yes agree jstewart… it showed me that we are designed to see and to thrive when we are expressing the true and divine in others. I know we need to be able to receive appreciation as well as it is very confirming… and possibly for some this is the more expansive or evolutionary part of such an exercise.
Which all goes to show even more how profoundly important appreciation is.
That is lovely Jennifer and also such an easy, no cost, simple, and enjoyable exercise! There is so much to see and celebrate in each other, and giving focus to that and not the niggles is obviously very powerful.
The only thing I can foresee as a struggle is when our individuality doesn’t want to let go of our stance/our need to be right. But if we are ready to let this fall away (as is sooo needed in relationships today) your spot on Melinda, I totally agree with your comment.
It is true that we focus on the faults because we are not deeply appreciating the full package and every tiny part that it is comprised of, no matter the imperfections inherent in this. This is often due to our tendency as humans to focus on the part at great expense to the whole it is a part of. By taking a moment to pause and reflect on the bits we adore in another, we pave the way for true connection and love to flow unhindered between us. This is a great example Jenny.
In appreciation of one another in all the qualities they hold we build the corner stone or foundation of our relationships from which we can move on to whats next, in forever expanding relationships.
What an inspiring exercise to bring in ones daily life. Thank you for sharing, Jennifer.
It is amazing how ‘unwise’ the advice we can receive and offer as a parent. We don’t seem to realise what a huge responsibility our words and actions carry to advise a child to try out 3 men, like pairs of shoes before she buys. We are a significant role model for our kids and how they will live their adult life, so we need to connect to our own wisdom and support our kids to value their wisdom.
Very beautiful land powerful Jenny – absolutlety evolving relationships.
Wow Jenny, thank you for sharing this powerful and inspiring blog. I realised after reading your blog that there are multi layers of appreciation that is yet to be tapped into in my relationships.
Yes, great point, are we willing to commit to deepen our part in relationships or not?
“So, what resulted from a simple but profoundly true statement by Serge Benhayon became the most sage piece of relationship advice I have yet to receive.” Thank you so much for sharing it in this really supportive blog.
“So we embarked on what became a fun and playful nightly exercise of sharing one thing each that we appreciated about the other that day, each time something that had never been expressed before. The stipulation was that these could not be things we had done at a functional level; we were nominating true qualities we could recognise as present in something the other had done or said.” – I love this, this is so awesome and something I will take away for myself too – even if to just start do this with my self, family and friends as I don’t currently have a partner.
Oh I so get this too – “In fact some of them I never should have started!” Even though it did not happen often, the last one I knew well in advance it was a no no and yet I allowed it, albeit only for 2 days… still, it left a mark that I quickly healed through understanding why I went for it and what old thing had risen it’s head once more that I now know no longer applies to me and who I am.
Superb sharing Jennifer. The issues and pain points we all face can seem so incredibly real – and to an extent they are. But when we view them without an appreciation for our essence and beauty it’s like focusing on a weed you picked in a field of flowers. Your sharing goes for ourselves too I feel, do we appreciate our own beauty? If not, perhaps this explains how beating ourselves up seems to be so rampant amongst our society. Time to appreciate like we never have before.
Beautiful analogy, Joseph to focus on a weed while there is a field of flowers whether it is in us or the in other. All the criticism in the end is not our thoughts anyway since we are just vessels of energy. So lets choose the quality by appreciating heaps and heaps.
I remember, when I asked my mother how I would know when I’d found Mr Right, she responded ‘you will just know’ …. at the time it didn’t feel particularly helpful. However, I knew when it didn’t feel right, so I just trusted that I would feel different when it did! There is no set formula, rather a process of surrender and allowing. The more we deepen our relationship with ourself, the more aware we are of what we feel for another and the more we are able to share of our selves, which in turn allows us to attract a truer match.
Far more sage advice there Alison from your mother… it is a knowing, and that knowing can be easily overridden by pictures and ideals if we’re not careful too.
This is really lovely, relationships can deepen and deepen as we evolve. Exposes a fear in me that relationships go stagnant after a time – that’s so not true when we bring who we truly are to them.
That is really beautiful, to have that quality of relationship with another and hold that as your foundation, it really then doesn’t allow what isn’t true or petty issues to dominate.
Appreciation in its detailed outplay is not only fun but a veritable miracle; it transforms us, our relationships and our whole life.
” If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”
” So, what resulted from a simple but profoundly true statement by Serge Benhayon became the most sage piece of relationship advice I have yet to receive.”
A true Sage for sure Serge Benhayon .
Thanks Jennifer for sharing these wise words. Appreciating other’s true value – how different, and how much deeper, could all of our relationships be, if we started making this our every day experience – to focus on what we appreciate about ourselves, and others, instead of the ‘faults’, the niggles and irritations?
Yes it does naturally flow on to others I found… it’s hard to maintain a critical eye for anyone once establishing a level of appreciation as a daily inclination with one person. I found it stands right out and I know exactly what l’m choosing and what that will be perpetuating for the other person. There’s no avoiding the fact that l’m then contributing to exactly what I don’t like about people and the world…
Thank you Jenny for an inspirational read. I remeber using a similar way when I was having a work issue with a colleage a few years ago. Once I realised feeling irritated would not help anyone, I focused on what they were bringing and their true quality rather than the behaviours. It turned the working relationship around 😉
Awesome Jsnelgrove… yes we all want to feel seen and appreciated for who we are, well most of us anyway. And nobody responds well to feeling another person’s irritation or judgement regardless of whether it is outwardly expressed or not. The truth is we feel whatever is held, so if that’s to be appreciated for who we are, then most people will thrive in the face of that.
Jenny – this is awesome. The quote – “If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” – this really stopped me too – and I was able to see how this has played out in many of my relationships. What a brilliant reflection to bring appreciation to ourselves and others.
This is an amazing sharing Jennifer… not only of the power of appreciation but also how we have the power to change our lives forever, and those around us potentially too – we may never know just how much we inspire others by what we say and do.
Very true Paula, what happened was definitely testimony to how much influence we have to change our own lives, and those around us. I know quite a few around us here who have been inspired by what we’ve done and what they can feel we live as a result.
I love this advice and we can use it in any relationship, not just with our partners.
Great point Rosie. I’ve been practicing this for a while. When I begin to take things personally it helps me see things far more objectively.
Thank you Jenny for an inspiring sharing of putting Serge’s words into practise, what an amazingly beautiful way to build and deepen a relationship of true love and appreciation.
Jennifer what a beautiful sharing of the importance of appreciating the qualities that we feel in another yet don’t often express. Thank you.
Beautiful Jenny, thank you for sharing with us.
Some classic advice about marriage is given to us when we are growing up, I love this, “try living with three different men before you decide to marry as you don’t really know someone until you live with them” it made me smile. As for appreciation and what the purpose of this article is, what great advice or dedication to a marriage or any relationship. I can’t see any better way to grow in relationship then this and as is also said the consistent dedication daily to this has now put it in the ‘normal’ part of how things are, gold.
Haha yes that not-so-sage advice from my mother makes me smile now too… it’s quite ridiculous really, although I can appreciate her concern that I choose wisely who I marry as all is not always as it seems on the surface. Just her way of arriving at that choice missed the mark just a tad 😉
That’s great understanding and through that you are able to read deeper what was her way of letting you know she cared. We all have our own way and some needing us to look deeper then others and often we are all impacted by how it was done to us or how we were told things when we were growing up. It takes us no where to be hard on our parents or people or even ourselves, we need to do our best to simply be aware of what we are now feeling and keep building from there.
Exactly Ray, there is nothing gained by blaming my mother for anything when it comes to my relationship choices… in fact on further reflection last night I realise that advice came out of concern I might marry the man I was in that first serious relationship with. Her concern was well placed… with the benefit of hindsight, although I never had any thought or intention to marry him.
That’s special to see things this way after a time has passed and I love how things like this unfold and always reveal more to you if you choose and allow it. If we hold onto blame or anything like that, because you have chosen it, then it directly controls how you view the world and in this example you would have kept your view in blame which also would have been damaging to you and your body. Continue to be open to feeling what is going on and it’s a medicine of type to yourself, in that you are not holding but in complete freedom and flexibility to move in the world. You are a living example of this.
Very true Ray… ‘if we hold onto blame or anything like that’ we don’t get the insight and understanding of what was behind it, in this case, her care and concern for a bad choice of marriage partner. You can translate that to many situations in life where we can be quick to conclude based on our own experiences what it might be for another. Advice generally comes from this place, and is almost universally mis-placed in my experience. What I wrote about from Serge Benhayon was not really so much advice as the expression of a truth around a situation, which when applied, became very sage advice as it turned out.
I love how you’ve described for us Jenny that the appreciation you committed to with your partner was not about functional things but about who you both are, about the qualities that you bring. We tend to focus a lot on what we do, and endeavour to bring appreciation to that – not that we shouldn’t – but appreciation can’t really start from there if it is to be a sustainable hallmark in our lives. It is about appreciating the essence of each other, the qualities that are within us, that allows those qualities to shine through. And as you’ve shared, then we realise more and more how much beauty is in the other – and in ourselves.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” What a stunningly wise piece of advice, and how stunningly applied into your relationship. Inspiring.
Very inspiring indeed – and it also supports us to take the focus away from ‘self’ and truly see the other in their true essence ..
“So, what resulted from a simple but profoundly true statement by Serge Benhayon became the most sage piece of relationship advice I have yet to receive.” Just another piece of absolute gold amongst many, from a true master of The Ancient Wisdom, that is namely Serge Benhayon.
As always Serge Benhayon inspires a very practical and loving approach to relationships, which can be applied to any and to all relationships, including the relationship we have with ourselves.
Yes, especially the relationship we have with our self, first and foremost as only then can we recognise a relationship that is truly based on sharing who we truly are with another.
Yes, Serge Benhayon is a Master of Wisdom – no less so in the area of relationships, and what makes the Wisdom so accessible is its practicality.
Exposing is it not!
Could this blog be a True Way for us all to evolve, as everyone we meet is a relationship? And the real value and power contained in your words Jennifer is still to be fully “Appreciated” and lived by everyone equally for True evolution to take place for humanity. Could True Appreciation be the antidote for comparison and jealousy? So is it any wonder we are dismissive of and never fully Appreciating True Love, which has Appreciation as a foundational element of!
A delightful blog and super inspiring to express truth and appreciate people for just being themselves. That has to be a win/win in all relationships.
From one simple sentence came so much, this is the best advice for any relationship.
Hear hear so true- and the simplicity of it makes it so accessible to everyone equally so.
I read this yesterday and it stayed with me all day. My husband and I discussed it and then clarified what it meant and what we could say and couldn’t, already we laughed at how unfamiliar it was and how we were looking for rules! I have no doubt day two will equally bring some fun as well as an opportunity to deepen the relationship we have with not only each other but everyone in our house and beyond.
Indeed Lucy, appreciating one another feels very liberating because we are seen for who we are from essence and not from our doing, actually seen for the divine being we are. And from there, there is space to show more and allow all of our being to be seen, not only in our relationship but to the world too.
How delicious would it be for that to be infectious? To be who we are, in our essence, for that to be our normal as opposed to the constant tension losing ourselves by trying to fit in?
My understanding and experience to is that when we start to really appreciate one another and can connect to the power of it, it becomes a emanation that cannot be anything else then infectious or an inspiration for others to start to appreciate themselves too.
Yes! After the initial discomfort, we all realise there is just so much for us to appreciate about ourselves and each other and it leaves so much more space to contribute in life.
And indeed as you say appreciating self and one another is so much fun to do compared to talking just for the talking, regurgitate the old patterns over and over without going anywhere.
Thank you for sharing this. It just flips everything on its head that instead of being niggled, frustrated or finding fault in others it is to actually appreciate them. This is definitely something I (in fact everyone!) can learn from. Also I love this and from experience know it to be true that when we express love to another our own body expands ‘Interestingly, I found the healing in this exercise was often felt more in the expressing than it was in receiving back.’
Incredible advice that hits the nail on the head about bringing back all the simplicity we all have and the option we have to live.
Indeed, it’s all about choice and when we reflect on our choices and the result of them we get a clear picture where we are at in life with our selves as well as with others. Good thing is we can choose a new any moment …
Very very gorgeous Jenny, that we can come back to appreciation and to understand that any issues with another is asking us to appreciate them and us more deeply, and once we do suddenly life takes on a whole new perspective.
Well .. Jennifer Ellis, that is super advice and all the while worth sharing.. Very very beautiful. How simple a profound worded sentence of wisdom from Heaven can be turned into a Livingness of Love that is unshakable.
Deeper appreciation of your partner when niggles appear. Now that is worthwhile relationship advice!
Yes, something to deeply ponder upon and feel the truth of this. It will make a huge difference in any relationship – reactions however just escalate things into something no one wants in the first place.
When we appreciate another we go beyond seeing them as mere human beings and actually see them as the divine beings that they are. This creates space in another to then see themselves in the truth of who they actually are.
And thus how much appreciation do we lack in society if there is even the minutest potential for war.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” You applied this in such a practical and made it fun too, by the sounds. I am going to take this on board. Thank you.
Very inspirational blog Jenny, reflecting the power of appreciation and profound relationship advice
Amazing how the most profound revelations are the simple ones. Thank you for sharing Jenny how appreciation is absolutely key to a truly successful relationship.
Jennifer this is pure gold for everyone and something i will definitely be exploring,
The power of consistency and commitment, a nightly confirmation, layer upon layer of appreciation, expressed, accepted and embodied, configured into your daily movements until it just is the bedrock from which you live and breathe. Thank-you.
This makes a lot of sense. Appreciation of qualities is very healing and healthy for any relationship. I have found in appreciation I am sharing something that I also am, not just the qualities they are.
So much relationship advice is based on protection, and protection is far from loving. We would all be wise to discern the energy behind the advice we receive. The relationship advice you describe here describes a path to deepening love.
The most amazing relationship advice indeed, suitable for every relationship we have:
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”
(AWT Presentation July 9th on Appreciation, 2016)
How amazing Jenny. This is just beautiful. I love the quote from Serge Benhayon, and can see that this can be taken in all relationships, including those at work. Very good advice! Thank you.
My husband and I openly and honesty share how appreciation of ourselves and each other saved our marriage. We had lost sight of each other through the judgements and criticisms of the behaviours we saw in each other (which were really reflections of ourselves we didn’t want to see). By focusing on appreciating each other for our qualities, what naturally came with this was acceptance of each other and ourselves. It’s not perfect and we can sometimes fall back into the old comfortable pattern of judging, but this doesn’t have the same effect or impact that it used to and we very quickly bring ourselves back to appreciation.
Yes Lucy, we have found the same, and now when we judge it feels so uncomfortable that it is like the biggest argument we have ever had – just from not appreciating. I know we are just at the start of a much deeper journey and I embrace it so we can all benefit from this deeper level of love for ourselves and each other.
Quite a staggering array of advice Jenny! I loved reading how you put the wise and insightful words of Serge into practice.
Beautiful sharing Jennifer thank you. Appreciation is a deeply healing practice – and has clearly worked for you in your relationship. What an awesome ‘tip’ for relationship counsellors everywhere.
This is gorgeous to read and a powerful and inspiring tip about relationships, with everyone including ourselves. Nothing builds a stronger foundation than truly appreciating and getting behind the divine qualities each of us has to express, and so offering the space for such expression to expand.
As a foundation Appreciation is no longer evolution in the waiting, as you have already so Lovingly expressed Golnaz, by sharing that when you are “offering the space for such expression to expand.” Appreciate what you have shared, it has added greatly to the expression and thus this is why it can be appreciated!
This is a beautiful example how appreciation works, it builds a solid foundation, true confidence in one another as it nurtures who one truly is, and thus those little moments and behaviours that do not speak of our truth are merely that little specks in the grand whole of the beauty that one is.
Gorgeous. I love this. Both confirming and inspirational.
I love this, taking a ‘negative’ and completely flipping it on it’s head by offering the truth straight up. We should do this all the time; if we’re experiencing something in a relationship or in life that is causing complications, instead of compensating by trying to make compromises or different set ups work we need to go straight to what the truth is of the situation.
Wow how deeply beautiful Jennifer and what an amazing gift to share for all in relationships . It is simple and glorious to feel the appreciation and love that comes from this for each other with the expression and glory and divine essence you share here.. Those niggley little things that become an annoyance seem to be only there if our appreciation for ourselves and hence others is not built on. What an amazing foundation of love for yourselves and the consistency with this that is pure gold and beautifully natural becoming the norm.
Beautiful Jennifer. Appreciation really does shift our focus and has enormous impact.
It is beautiful to feel the healing and expansion you both experienced through your appreciation exercise and it is so true that in choosing to appreciate ourselves and others we bring deeper understanding and connection for ourselves and others. This allows no space for the reactions that for so long bedevilled most of my relationships and instead brings a clarity of communication and growing trust that is an awesome foundation for communicating with everyone.
I have come to understand that the appreciation of another begins with appreciation of ourselves first and foremost. So, it is understandable that if we struggle to appreciate ourselves, being open to seeing the wonderful attributes of another can be rather challenging. I absolutely love the commitment that the both of you made to your daily ritual of appreciation and can feel how the deepening of your love and intimacy flowed so naturally and easily from it.
This is amazing Jennifer, imagine if we could do this with family and friends and then neighbours and everyone. Why are we all so quick to focus on the annoying things instead of appreciating all that everyone can be.
Beautiful Jennifer that makes so much sense. Inspired to put myself and our family on this programme.
This way of being in a relationship stands out when you consider how people can be with each other in marriages or living together, and maybe looking in from the outside it may seem unbelievable as many relationships are nowhere near what has been described here.
The saying ‘taking someone for granted’ comes to mind when reading this blog and the power of really expressing the qualities we value in someone is a great antidote for this stagnation that can creep into any relationship.
It only takes a moment to appreciate and express it to someone, but what happens when we hold back, we create a logjam within that filters what we express.
This is great Steve, and may I add, that it is a “log-jam” needing to be felt and seen for its particular “idiosyncrasies”. Then as we freely begin a Livingness of expressing what is appreciated like ‘pick-up-sticks’ the Truest stick or as you have described, “log” has to pick is exposed. Then as it is the one that is open, exposed, transparent and or clear from the rest it is easily a part of what is Truly Appreciated and can be expressed as True Appreciation! So as Jennifer has shared; “Appreciation of one another’s true value is now a natural and constant exchange between us, no longer a pointed exercise, as it is now just part of the foundation we call our relationship.” Then expressing our Appreciation becomes ’The Way’ and may we say it is a ‘Livingness’ that we naturally lived as a normal way of evolving!
Thank you, this is truly great relationship advice! I think it’s great how you’re not ignoring ‘faults’ but also not making them into the focus or out of proportion thing that we can inflate them to be…
Gosh, this is beautiful Jennifer. Not only because of the transformation of your relationship, but also because you could see that what was niggling was not worth giving your relationship away to, that there was or is something else far more important that is worth giving your relationship to – love and appreciation.
A stunning sharing, Jennifer an approach that applies to all relationships everywhere, whether with a partner, sister, parent, brother, friend or work colleague.
Jennifer, this is beautiful, thanks for sharing it. I can feel how easy it is to slip into blame and critiscm in relationships rather than making the focus about each other’s qualities and really seeing and appreciatung each other and holding each other in love.
What a beautiful deepening of a relationship you share, Jenny, and such wise relationship advice
Thank you Jennifer. What a beautiful living example of how to transmute the judgment and criticism into true love, to bring our focus to the intangible and appreciate in full the qualities we bring to our every day lives. What an awesome evolutionary game to play, one that empowers us to connect to a natural source of appreciation within us and brings our focus back to love, allowing all those niggles and irritations to simply die a natural death.
This is stunning Jennifer and shows how powerful appreciation can be for all parties and the ripple effect it has on our lives as a whole. Thank you.
““If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.”” I just love this. Appreciation works for so many areas in life – for deepening relationships, helps to combat jealousy and of course to support one’s own love of oneself and others and our evolution.
I agree and most importantly and as you say it “works”. If you have any “issue with someone” then put your money where your mouth is as they say and turn against what the thoughts you are having and appreciate them. It’s amazing to see that it’s not because you haven’t just not appreciated them but it’s you “haven’t appreciated them well before” you are having the issue with them. Life certainly isn’t all what we currently see it to be and this is certainly one way to take an active part in changing your view.
It is true how often do we offer appreciation to one another who ever we are with. Appreciation is huge and very much underestimated but as you have shown Jennifer it builds a foundation of love that becomes stronger than any niggles and irritations that we may chose to focus on.
This is so timely and supportive for me at the moment, and love the quote you have shared here, it is absolute gold. I recently had a moment of irritation and I am actually in a process of beginning to see what was actually being offered in that moment and yes, I wondered if I would have reacted the same if the same thing was said by someone different etc. and your sharing here has just offered me the missing piece – appreciation. Thank you, Jennifer.
Love your incredulity Jenny when you saw and appreciated your husband’s qualities as if for the first time and how this was almost more healing than his expressed appreciation of you.
I love the fun exercise of appreciation of each other on a daily basis, it supports us so much when we give and receive appreciation, and you give a great reflection of how it comes so naturally to continue to do it, now it is in your rhythm.
Recently someone decided to step out of their comfort zone and publicly ask for some help. And the negative criticism that followed was to me shocking. If we only have something negative to say then I feel we shouldn’t say it, as it cuts the other person down and they may be less inclined to step forward again.
That sounds like a very smart program for anyone not just when there is discord between two people. When you don’t appreciate someone it is too easy to try to change them or for them to want to change you at which point you wonder why you are together at all!
I agree and why don’t we all have this as a go to? I can see from this the support it brings that it’s possibly one of the only and main things that are needed and yet it’s not on the tip of our tongues. I have reintroduced it to the relationships around me and the result are already off the charts.
“….there was no question when it came to marrying him, no matter what number he was in the ‘lived-with’ stakes” — sound advice Jennifer…. and when you know in your heart, then you know and time becomes superfluous to what truth is resting within to take action on anything/any union in life.
It’s so easy to pick on someone’s perceived faults and I feel we do this constantly. So what a change around this would be to actually firstly see and appreciate the value of someone and what they bring.
We can all relate to those things that get in the way between two people – the annoyances, the little things that chip away at a relationship. This statement by Serge Benhayon just melts away division between people. There is no excuse for having an issue with someone, and there is no reason for there to be disharmony. Imagine how many grievances/ annoyances there are in relationships, and how we see these as symptomatic of a dislike for one another. And to think this is simply because we haven’t appreciated well before. It is miraculous as you say Jenny.
Beautiful example Jenny of what happens when we stop to reflect on the small, niggling tensions rather than delay and leave until they become a full-blown headache. When we are prepared to ask ourselves questions or delve beneath the surface, we are often given the guidance we need. In your case, recalling Serge Benhayon’s quotation on appreciation. To apply the wisdom playfully to your relationship, brought in other qualities, lightness and truth as you both expressed all the many things you appreciated about each other. Gorgeous.
I recently had a very wise young man offer me some of the most powerful relationship advice I have ever received…. focus on the power of the two of you together, the beauty and joy that you bring, even in those ‘off’, not so perfect moments. In other words, appreciate each other to the hilt. Then when the small stuff tries to come in and create an issue, it doesn’t have a doorway to enter – they have all been sealed by the appreciation we have for each other.
Oh I needed to read this today, thank you
This is a great reminder of the true power of appreciation. Thank you Katerina.
“focus on the power of the two of you together, the beauty and joy that you bring, even in those ‘off’, not so perfect moments. In other words, appreciate each other to the hilt”.
Beautiful Jennifer! Now that’s the kind of priceless relationship advice that would be awesome to be shared in ‘sex ed’ at school or any time really. Recently my Husband was tutoring a friend at our home, and I found myself just sitting there blown away by his gorgeous tenderness, patience and how he was holding a space for our friend to understand what they were learning themselves. I realised in that moment that I don’t tend to look for true qualities and attributes, and instead look for faults or something wrong. So, once finished I shared with both of them how much I appreciated their gorgeous qualities and how they were with each other and how blessed I felt being with them both.
I have been married for 24 years now and I never run out of things to appreciate about my super gorgeous husband. In fact he keeps getting more and more gorgeous all the time which is something of a miracle because he was already awesome to start with!
I love this and so true and when you consider we always have seemingly an endless supply of what is wrong with the world or people or even our partners then this is also refreshing to know. There is an old saying similar to “if you haven’t got something nice to say then say nothing at all” when possibly it started as “if you can’t see anything to appreciate then at least don’t criticise”. Appreciation is a living and growing thing and not just a word or action. As is mentioned and like anything if you can’t see anything to appreciate then start small and do it consistently but at least set the ball rolling. In no time at all you will “never run out of things to appreciate”.
🙂 🙂 :)!
Being irritated by our partners niggles is something that is so accepted in society, it is ‘normal’, many people just accept it as the way it is, yet what you are sharing is that if we are very willing and open we can easily move on from that to a relationship that is very solid beyond what we see around us day in day out.
Not only solid, but nurturing, sweet, empowering, encouraging, inspiring and developmental… it is super cool to be offered this support for our relationships so that we do not settle for statistical norms.
Thanks for sharing Jenny – that is gorgeous and so simple, fun and true. I too have on numerous occasions had the experience of trying out a simple statement made by Serge Benhayon to discover it really works and my life transforms.
Beautiful advice and I’m so glad you have widely shared this. I love the exercise that has now become a way of life – and you have inspired me to take this into my live-in relationships also.
Same for me too Katerina – I love this too and am taking this on board 100% – does not have to be a partner can be anyone we are in relationship with 🙂
Thank you Jenny,
The power in this is felt. The deep learning is that appreciation of ourselves begins a foundation in which it is natural to appreciate another. What you have shared is the foundation that all relationships can be built from. Powerful for in one choosing to appreciate another we turn our world of comparison upside down.
Jennifer, I’m loving your full name, it absolutely goes with the gorgeous relationship you have both built together and reflects so beautifully what can happen when you do truly appreciate what each other brings, as this is definitely a very solid and true foundation that you are both living. Very inspiring.
How beautiful, and what a great way to build depth in your relationship, with daily appreciations. It is so easy to find fault but that comes mostly from the pictures we create of how married life could or should look and our subsequent disappointment when nothing matches. We all have beautiful qualities and if appreciating each other helps us to appreciate ourselves then I can see how this exercise can help build a depth of love between you.
Yes, we say it is so easy to find faults and I know that I have been an expert at this, rather than look for the parts to appreciate, but I wonder is it really that easy or is it just a way to not celebrate each other.
Jennifer what you have shared about appreciation is really one of the best relationship advice ever!!! I am wondering why this is not more a common knowing.
I love this Jennifer . . . .“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” . . . this is brilliant advice shared by Serge Benhayon brilliantly put into practice by you and your husband!
Yes so simple and something that we can all put into practise.
Wow what a beautiful article Jennifer! I have just this moment been having an email exchange with an HSC student about appreciation and its magic. What you detail in the following words is exactly what I have found:
‘ What unfolded for me was nothing short of incredible, with every night revealing yet another aspect or detail to this beautiful man that I had not brought to the light of day and expressed in full before. Interestingly, I found the healing in this exercise was often felt more in the expressing than it was in receiving back.’ As I observe myself while delivering an appreciation and feeling how I do not hold back on any detail or depth to which I can go, I feel my whole body expanding and often tears come into my eyes. It is such a joy!
I am also experiencing that if we hold back the expression of love or appreciation, it actually hurts us more than the other who also misses out as they don’t get to receive it. We don’t get hurt by loving or appreciating too much, what actually hurts the most is when we hold it back.
Totally Rosie
It’s interesting how in relationships we can be drawn to the details that annoy us, rather than appreciating how divine the other person truly is. When we allow the space to share what we appreciate in each other, that is what we are connecting with, the what is, rather than the what is not.
And the more we cherish and celebrate the what is, the what is not has no room on the dance floor or in our lives.
It’s very beautiful how such a simple statement, “If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” can offer so much. It’s not trying to be anything other than the truth, sharing a message that delivers the potential for enormous healing and evolution.
I love the ping back of this quote… bringing responsibility back to us for the health of our relationships; unsettling at first, but super empowering.
Yes exactly Matilda, it is unsettling at first because the inclination is to want to change the source of our irritations and annoyances. A bit like walking against the flow in a whirl-pool to begin with, but doesn’t take long to dissipate the irritation and restore a sense of love and openness towards the same person. It is super empowering and super confirming of our power to have the quality of relationship we actually want.
“If ever you have an issue with someone, it’s because you haven’t appreciated them well before.” Just imagine the harmony that would exist if we all took the responsibility offered by this amazing teaching.
Gee this certainly deals with all our ‘issues’ quickly. How revealing is it to who we are in that “you haven’t appreciated them well before” I emphasise the “well” to show that we know far far more then we are willing to live. This quote alone set me back and had me look at all the little issues that I allow to float around continually and my part in them. If I don’t want them to keep going then the message is simple from here, appreciate.
And…even if we do or don’t have a partner…how about appreciating ourselves every night? Because, ultimately, our greatest responsibility is to the relationship we have with ourselves.
How underestimated is appreciation! – the antidote to judgement of self or others. When we focus on appreciating ourselves it will naturally flow on to our relationships. Thank you for sharing this Jennifer Ellis; your expression here is an opportunity for me and many others I suspect, to reflect on the importance of this quality that life can be so enriched by.
Underestimated and taken for granted with the levels of power it offers us all to heal and celebrate all our relationships,
This is amazing. I mean really, really amazing. Thank you Jennifer – you have given me some joyous homework.
Beautifully said – Yes it is joyous work indeed, how can it not be if we are expressing our joy in appreciating another’s gorgeous way of being.
Indeed. But the word ‘work’ needs to be heard, with appreciation and without judgement. For we have lived lives that have not been transparent, intimate and honest; and under these veils momentums, patterns and ‘issues’ have festered and developed. Thus, it will take work to arrest these and to return our bodies to a truer movement and expression. I feel it’s important to acknowledge this because it is a foundation by which we can then understand that there is no perfection, that we will slip up and that it will take time.
Look forward to hearing the result Otto… it is joyous homework for sure 😉
Me too. I feel super inspired by this article and the practical application of magic.
It is absolutely needed to be mild to oneself to understand and have patience to break through the old and very known momentums. I love to use the word focus, always checking in- am I transparent, do I truly show and express myself, or is there a layer on top. It is like rewarding oneself if we speak in the manner of appreciation with another. It does confirm us the same way as confirming them…Conversation like this is pure heaven to me.
Focus is key and is something that I am always working on. A steady dedication and presence with whatever it is that i am doing. The world is superbly designed to distract us, to suck our focus away from what we are doing, to separate us from our bodies in movement. Thus, it takes a real commitment to stay steady. I used to force this – as if it were a dogma. But now, more and more I am discovering the joy of being in my body thus it is not a question of force, will power or dedication – it becomes a ‘no-brainer’ choice.
Same here!! It hurts for me now, when my focus slips away and being in my body is such a joy, I don´t want to miss anymore. I remember a teaching from Serge Benhayon just recently: “We are made to be focussed”. That just says it all.