Be honest – who would not be adamant that reacting is a right in certain situations?
I certainly have reacted – and still do sometimes – in situations that don´t turn out like I want them to be, or when someone behaves in a way that is just simply disturbing to me, is unacceptable, or triggers a side in me that I still don´t like and need to work on. I have learned in the past that whenever I start saying to someone, “Because of you…,” I am out of order and in my usual blaming mode.
I have to admit, blaming was my best buddy in life and I became quite smart with it. To have mastered a way to blame the outside world is nothing I am proud of: the only thing that it shows is how much I have avoided taking responsibility for my actions and choices.
Actually, it is simply a trick to avoid evolving. When I found the reason to blame the other person I had found the justification I needed for my reaction. I was pointing the finger at the outside world instead of looking at why this was happening to me and looking at my own contributing behaviour.
A few months ago, I joined a group swimming session organised with a Universal Medicine practitioner during which the blindfold was lifted from my eyes as to how I involve others in my life to give me the excuse to react and not stay in my power. The practitioner asked me how I felt after completing the task she had set during the session, but in my answer I was not allowed to refer to anyone else in the group, especially if I felt to use them as an excuse for my performance. That was super hard as in the group environment I had not been able to swim with ease. The first thing I would normally do would be to talk about the others… who were either in my way or had disturbed me. So I had the chance to feel even more precisely how much I blame the world, using others as an excuse to not be ME.
Since then I have tried a different way in how I communicate my feelings and have reflected on my choices first, before observing what the other person did ‘wrong.’
Going into ‘right and wrong’ in any way is simply delaying reading the truth of the situation. It is a competition with a loser at the end, but does it truly help to take in all there is to learn from it?
I have been observing myself very closely and experiencing a lot of shifts in my way of responding to life and certain challenging situations it presents. I can still feel how often during a day I do in fact react – not in the way of blaming so much anymore but just slightly, not loudly… although just one percent judgement in a statement can cause a disturbance in the other person, as everyone feels everything. I feel it is my responsibility to work on this as I do not want to judge others.
I have found blaming gets you involved in arguments as well and in the end, it becomes not about the actual incident but about who is right and who is wrong. This is a trap, a silly game to play, as there is no right or wrong – only truth.
Everything that happens to me is there for me to grow and to learn from. I am not talking about perfection here, but I can really feel how my body has softened up since that session with the practitioner, and a certain humbleness has come into my life.
No longer do I see people or situations as excuses to react and retreat from my own power, but actually as precious gems that show and reflect to me the areas where I still need to take a deeper look, knowing that I have the choice as to how I move on, and in what quality.
By Stefanie Henn-Hecke, photographer and lover of truth, Germany
Related Reading:
Why are we so reactive?
Reaction versus response
Control & reaction v space & grace
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
A refreshingly honest look at the mechanism by which we put effort into keeping up the convincingness of give away our agency, and keep an internal score sheet of how justified we are in a disempowered, (aka irresponsible) outward focus. In truth there is zero big enough or with enough tally or justification to ever diminish one iota of our forever agency, our alignment, our settlement and our true power. Only we are the captains of our own movements and the ripples we put out, nothing anyone says, or does, no matter how huge or hideous, can ever effect our movement unless we allow it because it still suits us to play small.
Responding with love takes much conscious presence, and, as we understand that there is a different way, so that others feel the level of love that is shared when we no longer go into a reactive programming, but, allow ourselves the space to be Love.
Something came up in a discussion recently where it was shown just how much we blame others and the world for the mess we are in, it is so deeply ingrained in us that until it is exposed we do not know it’s there.
As you say Stefanie Henn-Hecke, we point the finger at others but do not look at our own contributing behaviour.
This is something I too am working on, it can be very subtle and sneaky I have found, ‘ I can still feel how often during a day I do in fact react – not in the way of blaming so much anymore but just slightly, not loudly… although just one percent judgement in a statement can cause a disturbance in the other person, as everyone feels everything. I feel it is my responsibility to work on this as I do not want to judge others.’
There is something in the way you write about taking responsibility that is so loving and easy to hear. Being able to see our contribution to every situation without critique. This is brilliant and makes for much rich learning.
Stefanie this is gold as this element of responsibility is bigger then we realise. It’s in everything and using others as a reason or excuses is actually not on.
Reading this blog has bought light to a situation at hand at work as well at home. Blaming others is not the way forward. Am I truly looking at what is being offered and am I basically choosing not to look at it from the point of evolution or growth.
This has exposed me further and a beautiful set up to continue my/our merry way of being ignorant and irresponsible. This right and wrong is a huge judgment upon others and will definitely need to be worked on further. As I take more responsibility of my reactions, I take more responsibility of how I affect others. Now that is truly caring about you and others…
Again, a beautiful sharing that shows the power of openness and the willingness to look at the parts we play in situations… without self criticism the inspiration and learning is endless.
Reacting is time wasted not reading the underlying energy of the person/situation. Reading the energy depersonalises it all and allows for healing. Moaning doesn’t bring change, observation and understanding does.
Leigh I agree, reacting is not only time wasting but also the impact it has on the body is huge too. And I totally agree its wasted energy, energy that could be spent on reading the situation at hand. Many lost moments for evolution and expansion of observing what life presents to us.
Shushila its not wasted energy, if we react there is another energy that comes in to suck the energy from us as its reward for getting us to react. If we could see the energy that then leaves us feeling drained we would stop reacting and be far more responsible for our behaviours. While this energy cannot be seen rather than questioning why we feel so depleted, we reach for another cup of coffee and a sticky bun to give us a false energy boost.
When we point the finger at another we have three 3 fingers pointing at our-selves, ‘’So’’ it is amazing when we deepen our relationship with our self and others and walk side by side as equals.
If we blame another, then we are choosing to be a victim, basically not wanting to bring responsibility into our life.
Stefanie I like how you have exposed how we go into ‘right and wrong’ rather than being with the situation and truly understanding what is going on.
It is interesting how invested we are in right and wrong. With truth we are all supported and offered the learning and there is definitely no loser.
Why is it that we struggle so much with our own power? We shy away from this instead of embracing it, and we like to blame others for things not being like we would want them to be.
That’s a very interesting and pertinent question, why do we struggle so much with our own power? Is it just because we would have to be far more responsible, or is there more?
Is it possible that we do not take up the innate power within us because of the reactions of people around us, family, friends, work colleagues etc, would find it all too much so we hold back so that the status quo isn’t rocked.
Stefanie, an amazing sharing in this blog, with some great insights in how easy it is for us to blame others rather than take responsibility for ourselves. Thank you!
When we recognise our reactions of right and wrong, it can become a valuable learning opportunity for everyone involved.
I have come to the understanding that there is no right or wrong just a learning, this has changed my perspective of myself not to give myself a hard time over something and also not to give another a hard time by judging them for what they may or may not be doing. This actually supports me to see that life can be so simple and how we complicate it by not seeing what is there to be seen and acted upon.
Letting go of any form of judgement is a beautifully loving way to be.
Really this is a societal thing where we have just turned a blind eye to reaction, it happens so much wherever you go it can be hard to see there is another way.
But indeed there is another way and that is called responsibility – Being responsible for our actions and truly understanding how we effect others means we are far more likely to respond than to react.
Yes SLC we all have a part to play in life whether we want to be aware of this or not.
“there is no right or wrong – only truth.” So true.
Absolutely, no right or wrong – just truth, ‘I have found blaming gets you involved in arguments as well and in the end, it becomes not about the actual incident but about who is right and who is wrong. This is a trap, a silly game to play, as there is no right or wrong – only truth.’
It gives us a sense of pride, an arrogance that we know better than & that we are better. Reactions are simply an excuse to bring others down because they don’t match whatever expectations we have.
“Everything that happens to me is there for me to grow and to learn from.”
I love this reminder, when we know this life becomes a play ground of joy rather then a prison of hesitation.
I love how Stefanie sees people as precious gems now, ‘ but actually as precious gems that show and reflect to me the areas where I still need to take a deeper look, knowing that I have the choice as to how I move on, and in what quality.’
One I still use is my mood as a result of poor choices I’ve made. Example: I go to bed late = poor sleep, feel grumpy in the morning and somehow I believe that I have a right in my grumpy state to be narky with other people. Even if it’s just silently judging them in my head.
How, I ask, does my poor choices give me the right to then judge and be grumpy and unpleasant to other people?
The “It doesn’t harm anyone else if I do this” thought is a liar, all our choices, directed at ourselves or not, affect other people.
Stefanie, I recently had a huge blaming blitz it was quite disgusting to feel this in my body and once the negative energy had taken hold it seemed impossible to shake off. I was totally out of order and thankfully by being aware of what was going on at the time I was able to express it in a way with someone that did not allow the energy to stay in my body. It has taken me many years to get to this understanding of just how unacceptable it is to indulge in negative energy. It is total poisonous to me and everyone else is affected by it too.
Reading this highlights one of the many ways we use the pranic consciousness to put ourselves into delay of the next level of responsibility that is waiting for us.
Blaming is a trick to avoid evolving … well said and so true. When we blame others we are not taking responsibility for ourselves, our actions and our thoughts etc so how can we ever learn from life if we do not do this.
True, it stops us evolving, and stops us learning, so definitely not a win win situation.
“Everything that happens to me is there for me to grow and to learn from.” I so agree Stefanie. years ago I would not have accepted this tenet – but embracing difficulties as a challenge and an opportunity to learn and grow has become my new way of being ( tho not always instantly!)
“No longer do I see people or situations as excuses to react and retreat from my own power”. This is such a big topic, I can see in my own life how often what happens outside of me is a cause of my reaction, however I can work through each situation to understand why, and give power back to my essence.
It’s actually almost hilarious to consider how easily we blame others first, as opposed to looking at what we have been responsible for – it is like a comedy show only we certainly would not find it funny whilst we are in the reaction itself. And then what a blessing once we recognise how much we have been fooled and are willing to be humble and surrender to our own true essence and power as you have so beautifully said here too Melinda.
I reacted recently at work because I hate the lack of work ethics in my colleagues when it comes to taking care of a customer’s basic needs who are paying for a service they are not getting and who at the end of the day contribute to our salaries. I guess if I look at my responsibility in this situation I have contributed to this diminishing of standards in work and in life by accepting less by having the same I cannot be bothered attitude at some point in my life too. As the saying goes what goes around comes around … ouch!
It is so easy to blame another and project our hurt onto them because something didn’t work out right or go our way. But this is avoiding our own responsibility and need to look within. What lesson are we avoiding in life?
The blame culture seems very strong in society today. But I am part of this society so have surely contributed to this (in the past) The more we take responsibility for ourselves – be it our own health or other areas of life – the more we can reflect that out to others.
Thank you Stefanie, every time I read this I can receive it at a deeper level with more understanding and awareness. It’s so true what you say about the delay of using the right and wrong consciousness, because it prevents a true reading of the situation and the evolution that’s on offer.
I found it so easy to put the blame on anyone or thing but not me, I was the innocent party. But actually through the presentations and workshops of Universal Medicine I have discovered that by playing a victim I am saying I’m less and denying my own power. This leads to a stagnation and that sense of stuckness or living life in a rut.
We are so much more powerful in being change-agents in our own lives when we consider what responsibility we have in every situation. We can abdicate that responsibility and blame, or own our part and leave space for another to make their own choice.
Lucy I love how you have talked about being a “change-agent” and how true change is about taking responsibility for ourselves in full so that others can be free to do so too in their own time and of their own volition.
“I involve others in my life to give me the excuse to react and not stay in my power.” Beautifully expressed, perfect for me to read today, I am very aware of the reacting but this has given me the insight into the retreating part.
Something very amazing and expansive happens when I start every enquiry about a situation I find myself in with the question, ‘What part did I play in this?’ And I am learning so much about the deviance of blame and not seeing my responsibility. I am also finding that this approach makes life much simpler because I am not caught in endless mind wanderings about what someone else did or didn’t do, or may or may not be thinking.
Thank you Matilda, it’s a good question to ask ourselves and reflect upon.
I love taking a moment to see what part I played in a situation, it can really change the dynamics.
“I was pointing the finger at the outside world instead of looking at why this was happening to me and looking at my own contributing behaviour.” This is so common and avoids taking responsibility for our own actions and words. It’s never all about ‘them’.
Once we react we are no longer objective, instead we have made a judgment and are acting from that judgment.
I now recognise the fog and disquiet of reaction and realise that this is a cool development because in the past I reckon I was reactive the majority of the time, so if it is now a stand out moment it means it is not my norm any more.
Very true Matilda for although we may still react if realise we are in reaction that is a development, can identify the cause of the reaction and address so that we do not react the next time. Very ‘cool’.
When we look for what is true rather than what is right or wrong it brings a whole different dynamic to a conversation.
Letting go of right or wrong, knowing that is just a trap, allows us to move on.
How much time we spend in right and wrong discussions is enormous. How great this time would be used wisely otherwise?!
By responding we instantly get asked/we feel the pull to become more. There is no path backwards only if you choose it, as responding means moving forward and expanding.
Judging is a way of confirming the other, that he/she IS what they are presenting in that moment, instead of responding and reflecting that the person in its essence is not horrible, but the behaviour they have chosen is non acceptable.
Going down the right and wrong avenue only serves to feed the reactions which are based around a hurt. You can tell when you are in something when you can’t stand back and look at it as a learning but something that is or has been done to you.
It supplies you a relief instead of true harmony, when you feel you are right or a downfall when you are seemingly wrong. Both ways feed fight and victory and gives you only a short period of time a way of contentment.
The penny has finally dropped on the right and wrong that we all get into from such a young age. It seem to me that society is built on right and wrong. You are correct Stefanie when you say it is a silly game to play because it stops us all from learning the truth of the situation. A friend recently said to me there is no right or wrong just learning.
We are programmed to consider what we do, how we think and what we see as either right or wrong from such a young age. It is programming that takes a conscious choice to undo.
I absolutely agree, there is no right or wrong just learning.
Yes, we are all here to learn there is no good or bad, simply more to learn and to realise.
Undealt hurts and issues we hold do make us react to certain situations in life, situations we otherwise simply would be observant in.
Very true Nico. When we deal with our hurts it is easier to observe what is going on in certain situations, rather than react from an undealt with emotion.
Right and wrong is a trap that doesn’t allow our love and understanding to grow. It is that simple. Nothing more.
Isn’t it interesting how we can seemingly get so much staisfaction in blaming another, when really all we are doing is avoiding looking at the part we had to play in the situation that has occurred that went wrong, or did not go the way we wanted it to go.
We are all learning and no one in this world is perfect. The moment you truly embrace that fact, it is possible to observe and learn from situations through space instead of going into defending, attacking, righteousness, bossiness and justification.
True, we are all learning, and we are not perfect, we are human beings!!
Another version of this blaming others attitude is feeling sorry for oneself, an utterly disempowering stance that leads nowhere but into more desolation.
That is so true! Also seemingly looks different but in feeling sorry for oneself lies still the blaming underneath. It is simply more manipulative playing out than in the direct offensive blame.
It is interesting how we can excuse ourselves or feel sorry, it is not from our strength but instead from a weakness we have allowed in to make ourselves victims of life in which we then have the right to blame others.
Self-pity is definitely a very lonely (and actually indulgent) stance to choose.
Yes, it’s all part of playing the victim and denying our power and essence.
As we all can feel energy, we can also feel what is true and is not, what is of love and what is not. In our honouring of what we feel we can then respond with truth and accept the opportunity on offer for greater love to be embraced, whatever the situation. At times that simply means allowing a loving space for ourselves and others to have the opportunity to feel the truth that is being presented for us to evolve.
Agreed, we can all feel what is true and what is not, that is far more honest than looking at something as a choice between right and wrong. The space you talk about here can feel uncomfortable at times because we are all called to take personal responsibility; some find this easy to do, others not so much.
‘Everything that happens to me is there for me to grow and to learn from.’ If we all embrace this way of looking at life, we would be a very responsible society and blame would be reduced radically for sure. Also, our relationships would be more harmonious.
Everything that happens for me during a day is constellated by me. Nothing comes along out of the blue- the moment I get distracted with the incident itself I don´t read the fullness what I have chosen and get to know what I am avoiding or consciously creating to not move forward.
Blaming another for something gets nobody anywhere and simply delays or even prevents the possibility of a relationship deepening. To understand this as an opportunity to learn something from each other brings so much more, whatever the situation.
Very well said Sandra and this is probably why so many people are having relationship issues because we often dig our heels in when it comes to taking responsibility and avoid being more loving.
“No longer do I see people or situations as excuses to react and retreat from my own power, but actually as precious gems that show and reflect to me the areas where I still need to take a deeper look, knowing that I have the choice as to how I move on, and in what quality.” Approaching challenging situations like that is very freeing in the sense it gives space to observe and learn instead of react and take it out onto ourselves and others.
Blaming others is pretty much the key to not wanting to take responsibility for the part we play in a situation.
Absolutely Julie – the plain and simple truth is not always easily swallowed, yet it is the greatest medicine for us to freely live who we are.
In fact, we are the creator of every situation we experience, there is no one other than us responsible for whatever happens in our life.
It sure does turn it round when we bring ourselves into the equation first and see our part and the level of quality that we bring to the situation. We can’t blame another in this we can either see what is there to be seen and learn from it or ignore and point the finger. One way is about evolution and one ways is about comfort.
Yes it’s true isn’t it… Just simply accepting, and understanding is the start of letting go of what has held us locked into such old paradigms.
Blaming, judgement,… There are so many things just waiting to supporters in our separation, and yet when we take the opportunity to connect to that true vibration within us, the emptiness of these things are revealed.
When you think about it, to blame another is a cop-out and yet we so easily do it, until we stop and consider that it doesn’t really help and it literally ties us in knots of our own making rather than just seeing our part and deciding what we want to do about it … the later way empowers us to see and feel how life is lived from how we choose to experience it and it’s our choice in this always.
Yes it’s never always about the other. Its important to acknowledge the part we play in any situation – however much we may not want to. This way understanding, learning and new opportunities so as not to repeat old patterns lie.
Most of us do seem to carry a sense of entitlement about having a right to react to anything and everything.
What we seem to forget is that every time that we react we actually negatively affect the person/situation we are reacting to.
The moment we react all of our movements change which hooks, attacks, wobbles, tightens etc. What reflection are we in that moment for others then? Beside the fact, the greatest harm is done to ourselves, as we isolate us from the grandness we can be and are by focussing on one little thing or person .
I used to blame the weather for how I was feeling, and I used to live in a country where people would greet each other with a complaint about the weather. This highlights to me how a majority of our communication and expression comes from a blaming energy where it stunts our evolution and connection.
True what you point out as being a sense of entitlement, this right to react and have it our way exclusively. It hurts us as well as the other/s as it is a very contracted state.
The moment we carry one ounce of annoyance that we are not alone on this planet and that it would be all easier to be on ourselves- we are having openings to react to other people and what they are offering towards us. There is no such thing as making it on our own, it is only possible to change and get out of here together, hence why everyone is as equally important, no matter how and why people cross our way.
This is a beautiful way to go through life, instead of looking at our environment to what does not feel right, to tune in with ourselves and see where we are at and the steps we can take to live our life to the truth that we know.
Also to check why do certain incidents happen- they don´t come out of the blue. Yes, they are there to learn but lets look even deeper, why they occur in the first place. We are constellating our life with our pre-made choices more than we are aware of. If someone is in your way whilst swimming in one lane,e.g. you can learn from the incident to not react, but why was that person constellated like that in the first place? As I have chosen to start swimming exactly at that moment, to be stopped at a certain point by that person. What do we choose truly?
It is interesting to observe what we use as a form of distraction which all ultimately boil down to not wanting to commit in full to love and truth. I realised yesterday how far from truly committing in full I have been – yes I have come far and have made some awesome changes but I still don’t take all I know into every living thing that I do. The games we then play to justify this are important to clock
‘Whoa where did that come from?’ – usually we think reactions appear out of thin air. But they start from the thoughts we allow fostered by hurts. These thoughts are like the string that is lit to make the dynamite blow.
We can use and produce reactions also to not accept a greater power. They might seem very real but were called in to “have a problem”, when there is none, but to expand in what is on offer for you.
Until we deal with our emotions and past hurts, reaction and blame will remain the name of the game. A game that is designed to keep us lesser, and that game, simply begets reaction and more reaction as being right and proving another wrong becomes the set stance. It feels horrible in my body even writing about this game cycle.
Could you say shock information was the right reason to react? Suicide out of the blue is one of those surprise moments. Or, is it just become part of the norm for us not to read everything and slip into comfort?
Reaction isn’t in the words we use as we think it is, but in the relentless driving quality of energy that like a dog with a bone, won’t stop till it’s had it’s say.
Whenever I feel any urgency and push in what I think I need and want to say I know I am off. A great marker, to simply stay silent and wait until the tension releases as I connect to space then instead of time and the ME, which does not embrace the other but only what the ME wants, which can never be true as it is never about only one but the All.
When I react I am very disturbed and tended for a fight. It isn’t just in that moment- we walk away with that hardness, ready to tense in the next moment. When I take self responsibility and read then I feel at ease and completely open, humble and in the mood for learning whatever I am being offered. It is incredible to experience this as a contrast to reaction
The more we are surrendered in our body, the more space is given to deeply observe and read the energies that are at play and not choosing hardness over the spaciousness that allows us to expand in our power.
I like the expression, ‘it takes two to tango’ but why is it that we more often think it’s the other person tango-ing in a solo operation and deliberately to hurt or go against us in some way? It is actually a very sad state that the world is in. I often observe children playing games in the playground. There are a handful of children who bounce the ball between each other and when it bounces away, one of them runs to get it without making any comment of criticism or blame. But in the majority of games, there are very high emotions and the game seems more about who people can blame for ruining the game. We learn from a very young age to point the finger.
That is a great point Simone- we should watch children more often, they know how to be in unity with each other until the adults come and tell them to be the best or that there is always a winner and loser, which degrades us from young on into function and victory behaviour.
Blame can still be used in another tricky way, where you don’t tell someone how you feel, use knowledge to bury the emotion inside but still hold the rage and judgement in your cells. Not blaming doesn’t mean blocking it out but seeing it for what it is.
What you describe is yet another game to not feel and stay in reaction and go against your own power and authority in handling situations, reading them and allowing the love you are being expressed. There are so many ways to bury whatever needs to be looked at- the ones that seem to be more “good” are the more evil ones, as they are not as obvious as other direct reactions.
“No longer do I see people or situations as excuses to react and retreat from my own power, but actually as precious gems that show and reflect to me the areas where I still need to take a deeper look, knowing that I have the choice as to how I move on, and in what quality.” This is so empowering, rather than becoming a victim to any situation.
Beautiful Stefanie, so recognizable and so silly really, hence this paragraph makes deeply sense in life:
“Going into ‘right and wrong’ in any way is simply delaying reading the truth of the situation. It is a competition with a loser at the end, but does it truly help to take in all there is to learn from it”.
Lets observe our ways.
So true and does a ‘winner’ who feels they are in the right really win? What energy are they using to ‘win’?
Great point Sue- if you need to win over another there is already something going wrong. If you live soulfully, you don´t want to be better than another- true joy expands when there is an equality within a relationship.
Yes and we simply delay our inevitable evolution, our responsibility to live the truth we know to be One.
There are no winners, only losers in this game as we all lose when someone apparently wins.
Right and Wrong is a prison that we as humanity self created. It lets us control situations instead of feeling the truth, going deeper in our own connection and align to its movement and expand from that. Right and wrong creates separation and offers comfort, truth asks for responsibility and expansion. What are you choosing?
When you hit truth like “ … although just one percent judgement in a statement can cause a disturbance in the other person, as everyone feels everything,” it hits home. Bringing life back to energy brings it back to truth. As a wise man I know, and a man who has brought the truth back this era – Serge Benhayon, energy does not lie. If you base your feeling from here you can never lie or be lied to.
Oh! How I too have struggled with the ‘right & wrong’ belief and had always been the first to point the finger in blame out of reaction. Because I had always looked outside myself for ways to alleviate the internal knowing that if things hadn’t turned out the way I had wanted or pictured them to. It was simply because I never ever ever wanted to accept the responsibility for things that happened in my life as accepting responsibility in any way, shape or form for anything felt too painful. However…… oh what a feeling!!! when you actually ‘stop’ doing that and become aware that being responsible and accepting responsibility it actually is far less painful than you think. As in-turn it actually empowers you so to speak then from that, the less you re-act the less that there actually is to re-act to. Less goes wrong in your life.
Yes taking responsibility is key and as you say Kirstin, it can empower you. Speaking from truth not right feels the way to go.
The more you take responsibility in life, the less you project things how they should be for you. As there is nothing for you, but to grow and learn from every situation offered through people.
How often I used to think I was justified to react, and perhaps in some ways I could say I was, but what I then got to realise and appreciate is do I really want to to feel so tense and edgy in my body? After all the reaction hurts me more than what the event actually was.
just imagine if everyone felt this, what you had expressed David in that our reactions hurt us so much more.
That´s a great point! The moment we ride and indulge in the reaction and insist in the right to react, we are harming us way more ( and longer time wise) than the actually incident that was the trigger of everything. Sometimes, you don´t even know anymore, why you reacted as the spiral of indulging in the reaction is so strong, that it takes over and all it does is to harden and poisoning your body with energy that keeps people out and avoids love to be expressed and received.
Who gives us the right to react? Why do we think it’s okay to shout at another person and be forceful? Sometimes in those situations a lot gets revealed about a relationship, we see where we truly stand with people who may have been all nice and smiles to our face, but in truth hold us as less than and are full of judgements about our behaviours. When a receiver of reactions, we can play victim or we can actually see the game we have been playing to allow another persons unresolved anger to be leashed out onto us.
Most of my life I considered reacting was one of those things that happened, part of your personality and you didn’t have a choice really. It is great reflecting on such behaviour and deepening our awareness as this blog inspires – wonderful potential for an expansion in understanding, clarity, empowerment and responsibility.
This is why I love all the Universal Medicine student body blogs – honesty, realness, and conversations about topics we normally don’t talk about. Once we can be open, honest and accepting about certain thoughts or behaviours then we have the opportunity to heal those and bring understanding to ourselves and others. Without the honesty and openness things can fester. For me Stefanie it’s a lovely read, very relatable, and I experienced a sense of joy seeing you free yourself from something that is not truly you, and the non-judgemental way it’s been expressed supports me to see the same issues of blame and responsibility in myself. Letting go of what doesn’t belong is a deeper embrace of our true loving selves.
Thank you Melinda! Only through realness and imperfection and sharing whatever we experienced and are working on we inspire each other.
Well said Melinda.
We are so quick to react and blame another for how they made us feel. Taking responsibility for how we feel and our reactions takes some practice and commitment, but by doing so I find life becomes much, much easier to deal with.
Yes it brings it back, to what I choose in every moment and not looking outside and finding reasons, why I could not act how I know I should have.
There have been numerous times where I thought I had the right to react because someone else was also reacting. What happens then is we then tend to blame each other for reacting and no one wants to take responsibility.
It is the game of, you don´t hold it, so why should I hold it. Instead of stopping the energy that entered, we entertain it through blaming. The question is in these situations, do we read energy and stop it immediately or do we choose power through observance and non involvement no matter how much we get provoked.
It never fails to amaze me what we can learn from the way we swim, I just recently found out that I make life very hard for myself and am not as aware as I would have like to think I am from a swim session; from here I can move on instead of lumbering on in the dark.
We judge and condemn things to be “right” or “wrong” and when somebody does something which is “wrong” in our righteous eyes we have a right to react… well, what does that reaction bring and what is the point of it? All it does is it cements us in our identification of what and how we think the world should be – retarding our evolution.
What if we weren´t “right” in the first place and what we then judge as “wrong” is just a self created scenario, which we play the main character. The part in us that does not want to evolve just loves to indulge in scenarios like this, as it involves yourself in the creation and you want to find a solution in the creation when the main key is to not go into the creation of right and wrong in the first place.
When we can’t blame someone else for our ill choices, do we let them build up and become a pressure cooker and explode at something small that is just a release of what we bottled up? Usually, this dump is on anybody, that becomes the victim of unfriendly fire so that we can relieve ourselves! Where is our responsibility in accepting the lessons our choices offer us?
When we react, the most important point is to know that we have reacted. The next point is, if at all possible, not to act from that reaction but to stop reacting before we act. The third point is to get more and more awareness why we reacted so we have a choice whether to react the next time.
A great marker is: I am expressing in my true essence right now, or do I allow an energy to run me that is actually not mine. If so, the first thing I got to do is connecting back to my essence. The hook of reacting, which we set up through our own movements and choices, is super strong, but also super painful. The moment we hate the disconnection and pain more than the desire to react, we create space for situations to be better understood and read.
“Actually, it is simply a trick to avoid evolving.” Absolutely agree! Judgement and blame stop us from evolving in so many ways in our relationships. It’s like we are saying in one breath ‘I want things to change!’ but behind the scenes our body is putting out, ‘I want our relationship to stay as the status quo’.
Having the right to react is not a free choice. It comes with consequences that my body registers and if not addressed, gets stored up over time. Eventually the judgements or expectations I hold can’t be contained as I might get a killer headache or another illness. Reacting comes at a cost to our health and relationships.
Reaction is only designed to smash our transparency and to retreat in protection.
We all do have the right to react. It is our free will. But we equally have the responsibility of all our choices and actions and this is unavoidable no matter how much we seek to deny the fact.
Feeling into the statement the right to react, makes me ponder on much we can hold righteous positions as individuals, often at the expense of another who has to wear our judgments.
So true Jenny, it is extremely judgemental when we react and this can happen pretty fast. I reckon it is the tension of not living who we are that we are more likely to react to anything and everything.
Another thing I have noticed when I have judged, blamed or reacted is the collateral damage of the other people around me. There is a lack of ease in my body and our relationship till the situation is addressed. It is so much simpler to live and work in a more aware way that brings a body that is not as reactive or judgemental.
Everyone who is involved in or observes a situation between two people who are playing out reactions becomes an instant shock by the energy. It proofs how unnatural it is for us to be in reaction as all our cells shrink and tighten immediately, when we feel that kind of energy coming through another person.
Mastering blaming the outside world is a great get out clause for responsibility. What if we simply made a choice to be more aware of where we blame and see what it brought up over a couple of weeks? I am all up for that.
I’m with you Lucy and have started seeing how manipulating it is when we blame someone or something else. It’s a whole shifting in responsibility and dumping at the same time. The tension of keeping that held in place is exhausting and anxiety building. I look forward to what else will be exposed by sniffing out where I blame.
I am up for that too Lucy. Our reactions can be very subtle and whenever we are being pulled up about reacting, it is common to then go into defensiveness or further reactions and blame. What a game we all play whenever we go into reactions and they don’t serve us at all.
I still react a lot when I am driving and if what we see in life is there as a reflection for us to learn I am still living my life too recklessly without enough regard for others because that is what I see people driving like quite often.
Whenever I react when I am driving, I know that I am not accepting where everyone else is at. No matter how they behave, it is about accepting and learning from the reflection. It may be, to not choose to drive again like someone else is showing me, how I used to drive or that I need to keep steady to reflect a different way.
To react / reaction / re-act, or re-action is all an action against something or a returning to an act or action so when we ponder on this it is an energy that is returning. Usually that is an action that has an emotional basis or connection to an ideal or belief that our life or life-times should be a certain way and others have to also fit into that nut-shell. When we live in this convoluted and contrived way of existence we justify life with the way we re-act, then is this act True or just an act we put on to elude being responsible?
Thank you Stefanie, for we have the choice to react or not react, the choice is ours.
It’s easy to blame others just as it is easy to be a victim – but when we want to take responsibility for our actions – that is when things truly start to lift and change
Yes things do start to change, inside and outside and we sometimes need to be able to walk with another to be able to debrief along the way! What I discovered is there are so much support available when I stop needing the support to be from particular people or look a certain way.
We all love to react to situation/people but what we fail to understand is that every single reaction that we have hugely affects the body.
And it does affect us in multiple ways more than what the recipient gets. We get caught by the other acting a certain way and focus on that instead of caring for our own body.
Which gives us a ‘good’ reason to behave irresponsibly.
When we take the right or the wrong out of situations, we are left with our responsibility or irresponsibility of living the truth of who we really are. There is no room for the drama of blaming another just the ouch of not living our fullness.
Sometimes I find in certain situations, its like the reaction is a wave and rather than struggling against it and trying to make it stop or reign it in, its easier to let go, to not act on the reaction but just acknowledge that it is there and I have found it is then far easier to move on and deal with why we reacted.
That is very true- honesty does help a lot in that moment and not wanting yourself or the other to be different. What also helps is to connect to a different purpose/ a true purpose instead of indulging with thoughts and could be’s, what if´s, regrets, analysing- which is simply a way to keep yourself busy within the same energy.
Rebecca something similar happened to me, when I just accepted that this is where I am at and there is a deeper reason the answer immediately came to me, but I had to hold myself in acceptance first and take any pressure off of how I ‘should’ be.
When we react we forfeit our ability to respond.
Which is a True respond-sibility!!! Life is a lived responsibility when we live from our essences and thus Love becomes our first response and that corresponds or communicates as a great reflection to others.
Great observation Steffi. There is only truth so judgement is a lie. There is only what is truth or not and the choice to be living it or not. Simple.
We have no right to hold back the beauty of who we are, it’s just a reaction to the world.
Reacting lets the other off the hook – it creates a sharp energy that makes it much harder for both parties to still feel what is happening and respond to it.
When we are blaming another or even ourselves for something or we are in reaction to something we automatically shut down to the bigger picture and we swamp ourselves into whatever the situation is. We literally then “can’t see the forest for the trees”. When this occurs we are not able to simply observe the circumstance, we become servants to the reaction.
I was away over the weekend and had an appointment yesterday, for which I was unusually late for. It took me 1 and 1/2 hours to get to where I was going and the traffic was thick and slow. Its a hard place to sit when you literally can’t move anywhere. I could feel myself heading into blaming heavy traffic for my lateness. But I was reflecting on my morning and I was ready to leave at least 1 1/2 hours before by appointment time and did consider leaving and thought, “no i’ll be too early”. Now this is not about beating myself up but simply making the observation that I actually knew to leave early and made the choice not to. Simple. And also coming back to appreciate that I actually did know to leave early. I obviously had no idea what the traffic was like, but I had a clear feeling that is important to appreciate.
What a beautiful example and proof for our intuition and how habits hold us back to follow its impulse. Not questioning our own flow and not controlling our everyday routine is the way into true power and in alignment with space that knows no rules or plans.
Do we actually react to friends, people we meet, the same as to our closest people, partner, kids? Is there a way of diminishing standards, when it comes to people we actually love, because we know or presume, that we can dumb our tension onto them through reaction? What an arrogance that we behave like that. No one deserves more or less to receive any kind of reaction.
I like it that you bring it back to responsibility. Sometimes reacting is avoidable and it’s not about being perfect but keeping in mind our own part in things I feel is important. And also to me it feels like the more love we develop towards ourselves the more love we can have for another and we can then see them much more as the love that they are instead of just as to the eyes strange or weird behavior.
We have a right to react for sure, we cannot force or impose on ourselves—but what happens after this reaction is key, why do we feel this hurt and what are the steps to understand ourselves deeper?
The hurt is the instant abandonment of ourselves, which is the greatest pain. Loosing and changing our harmonious movement for an incident in the outside reflects instantly how less we loved ourself in that moment and how less we were willing to observe and read energy. Nothing in the outside is more important than us and our connection.
I really love the reminder of hurts…instantly it is a prompt to deepen love. No matter what, we can park our hurts aside and focus on love. Very empowering.
It is the only way to truly evolve- realising that it is just energy playing out and we have the choice to grab the situation and feel hurt or observe the energy playing out. The moment we observe the energy, we can come back to love, as no one ever is truly evil inside- just choosing to let through an energy that is designed to challenge us.
That’s a very cool point, that not reacting but observing is a loving act to yourself. I read somewhere that an angry moment lasts hours in your body with the physiology stressed…. so it really is a harmful act towards self.
Some people are convinced that it is great to burst out your emotions and they feel alive alive through that. It is great to realise that you are angry for example and expressing that, but to feel deeper and ask yourself what lies underneath that reaction. Only then you will ever resolve the issue that poisons your body
Being me is a practice to accept me in full and thus an acceptance of others too.
We have the right to react – definitely. In many situations it may be impossible not to react. But what we do next is crucial – do we let the reaction dominate us or do we move away from the reaction and observe?
Trying to avoid reacting does in fact not work. If it happens, as we are all not perfect, it is on us for how long we are allowing that ill energy making their party.
When I understood that there is no right or wrong, only truth – it really opened my eyes up to how I live and the fact that in truth we cannot judge or point fingers.
Yes, being right and untruthful is common and deeply unpleasant.
That is an even greater view at responsibility. What did I choose, that I constellated that kind of behaviour – am I playing a part in it? Nothing ever happens for no reason. Sometimes we might feel and sense the connection to ones own choice of behaviour but sometimes it is coming back much later to reflect us our previous non soulful behaviour. Embracing that, we know that every moment we choose either soul or spirit is crucial.
Those that trigger a reaction in us are our greatest teachers for they give us the chance to observe and understand ourselves and live with more love, appreciating them and ourselves.
The thing is when we are busy reacting, we are far more interested in what has already happened and the pictures in our head than paying attention to what is actually going on.
Correct! That is why we sometimes still blame the other although he or she has already moved on, as we want to make our point or often demand an apology or play out the revenge card. How abusive for the other, oneself and the whole situation.
Very good and we miss a lot that way. We also cushion the other from feeling the impact of what they are doing themselves.
It made me laugh when I read how your swimming practitioner asked you to describe your experience of the task you had undertaken without referring to other people, especially if you wished to use them as an excuse for your own performance, and how it got you to see the frequency with which we blame the world for our experience. I recognise this all too well. So much gossip, blame and animosity would be eradicated if we simply adopt what your practitioner asked you to try out.
Reacting to what life is presenting to us is actually a blessing if we would understand the science of it. As any reaction to life comes from an offering to become more of ourselves and seen from this perspective gives us the opportunity to look deeper into ourselves to discover that part what is reacting and actually dos not belong to us.
When we fall for blaming others we are in the belief that life is only three dimensional and have forgotten that we are multi dimensional beings living in a three dimensional world. We are so much more than just a body with a set of brains and if we return to that understanding of what human life precisely is we cannot judge or blame anymore because this only exist in that diminished way of being and has nor origin where we come from and belong to.
It is far ‘easier’ in the short term to blame others rather than make the changes we know we need to make, but in that, there is no growth and no evolution- just a repetition of more of the same.
We can say it is ‘easier’ to blame others instead of making the choice to change, but in fact it is not as in holding that stance we need more energy then when we would go with the offering and take a step closer towards our soul, that actually is giving energy back.
Good point Nico- you have to call in a force that is depleting our life force by blaming and getting tight in the body. By observing and non reacting we are magnifying our power and love and our soul presents us immediately the next step to move towards.
So in what you say Stefanie, we can conclude that when we choose for blaming others we do actually reject the offering of our soul for the next step to move towards.
I love this Nico and Stefanie, I worked something similar out recently where I realised doing something not to my full commitment required more energy as it pulls in a force to go against our natural flow that is 100%. When we take it to energy it is very simple.
How much love I allow in myself will support me to see the love in another, no matter how they behave. Do we have a limit how far we hold someone in love or is it endless and unconditionally. The embracing of another and oneself, knowingly that no one is perfect and that we are all equal is a beautiful unfolding. Every relationship changes immensely by stepping towards more love.
So our own willingness to be love and to be loved determines the depth to which any relationship can go.
It is so true, we feel that we have the right to react and to react in whatever way we see fit, be it getting angry, silently resentful or violent. Our intense emotions become too big to handle and we explode into a tantrum no different than a small child. But seeing everything as someone else’s fault will only serve to keep us in that retarded way of thinking. Seeing our part in a situation is only the start to unravel what we are contributing too.
These reactions are all about us too. When we react or are in a reaction there is no real consideration for another even though we may like to think that there is.
That everyone and situation is a gem to learn from …. now that would be an amazing way to live life! I am going to play with that today.
And suddenly you start to thank people who behave in a not positive way, like for example, when you get rejected or told off or get ignored etc. Somehow funny but true.
I discovered this yesterday with the help of a dear friend helping me unpack my intense reaction to another person. Realising now what was being offered to heal within me is actual vital to my evolution so I couldn’t have done this without the person who triggered me. A gift and gem indeed!!
Can you imagine we would ALL live like that? We would evolve in high speed as a species and treat each other with love and respect.
Indeed. The beautiful thing is that from each situation I can learn in reflection if I present love or not,whether it was a response or a reaction. Because however the other person is presenting him/herself, does not give me the right to react. There is a learning for me to stay in the holding.
Yes this is a constant lesson for me! Something of a life’s work!
I love coming back to this blog, it has supported me to be more aware of when I react throughout my day. I started to look at what triggers me to react to situations/people? I can list a whole heap of triggers but when I strip them all back it ultimately boils down to living in separation and seeing others as separate to me. This way of living is one huge reaction to life which is exhausting and harming. Thank God for Serge Benhayon and the amazing people at Universal Medicine for showing me that there is another way, to live in Oneness, to let go of separation and reactions, to live the divine beings we are and embrace the love that unites us all.
Building our ability to respond to a situation we start to appreciate the way we are responsible for our own patch and how we can then be purpose-full in our ways to keep that patch tender-ed-to so we flourish and others get an amazing reflection.
Reaction and or the right to react can only exist as long as we consider ourselves separate to each other, ie. ‘the us and them mentality’ whereby we perceive every being to be an isolated unit in interaction but not interconnection with each other.
True the separation starts way before. Otherwise we could not act in such an unloving way with each other.
It is beautiful therefore to observe in the midst of huge reactions around that I’m not reacting as much as I used to and it is also deeply precious to witness the movements of the body opening to accept so much more than to judge. This is gorgeous.
I would even say it starts with the body first, that it opened up, so that you are more open to allow and receive love for yourself and another.
Being human, its quite a natural response to react, but it isn’t an excuse to be abusive – often we see and feel abusiveness in reactions.
The blame game is a merry-go-round that only adds fuel to the fire so to speak, feeding the spirits avoidance to evolve, taking responsibility for our actions and reactions is what will offer us the healing that our soul is presenting to us.
Since having read this blog I have been becoming aware of how every little thought and action of annoyance, ignorance, neglect, judgment etc. sits comfortably on the right to react.
And one that stands out for me is reacting to other people’s reactions. When we see someone react it is like an invitation for us to react back but if we hold steady and be the love that we are, we can see and feel the invitation is not so inviting.
What I realised lately, the other person reacting knows deep inside that they are in reaction even if they are denying and defending the fact. When we are reacting in the same way we are falling for the illusion, that they do not know, but they do – so we can let go of the investment someone needing to admit that they are in reaction. I know I can be sometimes adamant that the other admits they are in reaction, which feeds the reaction and the energy of separation instead of observing and understanding.
Letting go of blame brings with it a beautiful healing as we let go of the drive to react and as you say Steffie ‘a certain humbleness’ replaces any need to be anything less than loving.
True we develop a deep-humble-appreciative-ness of love and our divine purpose, which builds on our responsibility to live in every situation purpose-full of that loving reflection.
I love that you bring in the word ‘humbleness’ when we start to focus on our way of living instead of pointing out our finger to someone else there is less arrogance and we become humble. We bless ourselves and others with more love.
Pointing out the finger makes you hard and stuck, looking at your part in it, is or can be uncomfortable but instantly opens up your body for more.
Every time I really think, ‘oh but this is really too bad/big/ugly/painful etc. now of course everybody understands why I react instead of respond, I have to conclude afterwards, and this can be sometimes years later, that there is literally never an excuse to react.
The moment we react we make it only about ourselves. In milliseconds the width of a situation or relationship becomes tight and narrowed. It is only about that anymore. A perfect excuse to not go out in the world and reflecting and expressing the greatness that we are.
I love the point you make about self. That is what it feels like often when I react: a tantrum of a child that doesn’t get what it wants. And the only one that is important then is me, me, me. Ouch for everybody. Whereas there is a beautiful opportunity on offer to learn and heal something and make it about all of us equally.
A great and important sharing on the right we think we have to react to take on stuff and blame others instead of seeing everything and life as a learning and something to look at for ourselves in our healing and growth towards being who we truly are and discarding the ills we have accumulated.
When I react I feel this cloud of complication fogging my perception, I lose my way. It does not serve us or anyone else to act irresponsibly, but so often we think we are entitled to do so. This is where learning to let go of our hurts, really supports change, when we do not have the hurts, we do not get so easily trapped by things that used to provoke and trigger us. We can spend our lives blaming, acting right or wrong, we we can start being honest and start healing.
Imagine dropping the need to justify and judge ourselves and others as right or wrong? Instead the observation of what quality of energy are we aligned to and what responsibility are we willing to take for our choices.
‘When I found the reason to blame the other person I had found the justification I needed for my reaction.’ It is not even ‘the reason’ but any reason will satisfy my spirit to react and it enjoys it because I no longer have to take the responsibility for my own behaviour.
Reaction is the perfect way out for not having to look at our own part of what happened. A great excuse for not dealing with what is at hand and staying stuck in circular energy.
It is a common way to dig our heals in to not evolve, and when I look around there is a lot of reactions being bounced back and forth. We contribute to this energy by reacting to our power and divinity.
Even stronger than the right to react is the righteousness of having any right to do as we see fit – we want to be the creators of life at all cost.
Thank you Steffi for this gorgeously simple blog and great reminder of not being so quick to blame another but rather to keep feeling what our next steps are in order to learn and grow in the true sense of the word.
We can be so quick to blame another or point the finger when things are not as we would like them to be, however, it is so important to check in on ourselves first to see what part we have played in the whole scenario. And so it is that we cannot change another, but what we can do is support ourselves to grow and be open and hold a deeper understanding of the situation at hand.
Every reaction we have is an opportunity to grab in terms of understanding what is actually at play. When we react rather than respond to a situation, there is a hurt that is underlying and that at some point we will need to look at and explore before we can heal and then be free of the reaction itself. This is the hard part – to give ourselves permission to feel and be open about any of our hurts and then take responsibility for them. In my experience this is something that I have had to work on in increments – little parts at a time so that it does not feel too big and overwhelming. But over a period of time, as with everything that you work on consistently so, you get to look back and see and feel how far you have come.
I am being more aware of how easily I react to people. Last night I felt I had the right to react to someone because they were already in reaction towards me and then when this was pointed out, I went into justification and blame in a blink. I was already moving in contraction so when the reaction came towards me, I didn’t allow myself the space to understand what was going on and read the situation. So, how do I support myself to not react to people, to life and to whatever comes towards me? It all goes back to the quality of how I live, move and express.
To react or respond is the question in any situation – reaction is taking us away from us, response is confirming if not expanding who we are. It is an easy marker we can use at any moment in time.
Very true Alexander. I notice I tend to react to someone if I still hold a hurt against them, hence why we tend to react to family members and people close to us. I find it very difficult to respond when hurts get in the way and healing our hurts is the key to being more open to responding instead of reacting. It doesn’t work to remind ourselves to not react if we haven’t healed or let go of what triggers our reactions.
Very true, it is kind of funny (or desperate) when we try to not react while we are already reacting. First thing is to simply be real and honest of where we are and then deal with it. Every time we react we have the chance to get more clear about the hurt and deepen the healing.
Reacting feels for me very childish, as we know better deep inside, but we act as we would not know. Responding carries an authority and maturity that is very inspiring, embracing and empowering, as nothing is more important than the surrender of your own body.
I have found lately that by bracing myself for an expected reaction, either from myself or another takes me immediately into my head -and my thoughts where I think I am protected by preparing myself for what I think is going to occur instead of observing and appreciating that there is a process I am being called to go through to heal the many choices I made that led to this particular point in my life. No going back to the past and bringing it forward because that is what happened before or how I coped before. I am at this point because of every choice I made up until this point and so I must deal with it as best I can with the awareness of what my body is communicating to me. No perfection as you say Stephanie 🙂
Blaming and reaction… Two dance partners on the crazy dancefloor of life that most people are moving on and to… And when they are removed, there is a whole different rhythm.
Blaming and reactions are a result of our hurts. So, healing them frees our body to move in a very different quality and rhythm.
Love it Chris – this is so beautifully expressed – it is a rave dance or rhythm when we are in reaction and blame, jagged and jarring in the movements driving ourselves deeper into the comforts of not feeling the responsibility to step up to. And then when we choose to return to our innate gentleness and the grandness of true movements, the rhythm that is there to support us is one that is the most normal and natural for our body to resonate to, and one that calls us to a responsibility of knowing how beautiful and powerful we really are.
Beautifully said, Chris.
When they are removed, true communication that is evolving both parties can take place.
And we avoid our connection to our body with it. We cut what is actually there to feel for us through reaction. If we would allow ourselves to feel, we say at the same time Yes to all our body would get aware of and communicates to us. Feeling= expansion and more awareness, Reaction= tightening our body to actually ” shut up”.
“I was pointing the finger at the outside world instead of looking at why this was happening to me and looking at my own contributing behaviour.” How different the world would be if we were all willing to look at how we contribute to what goes on around us rather than directing the blame elsewhere.
I too have been looking at how often I react to people, to situations, and to life. I can honestly say, I react a lot and as much as I say how much I dislike/hate reacting, it keeps repeating over and over again. As I ask myself, why is that, the answer is simple, I haven’t fully let go of my attachments to identification, recognition and living in separation. The key to dismantling this very ingrained way of living is to build a loving foundation and keep building on this with more love and appreciatioon, and then any loveless behaviours will simply dissolve effortlessly.
Reaction is an addiction we must learn to renounce if we are ever going to return to the great love that we are.
With every reaction, we think we reject the other but in fact we are rejecting our sensitivity and grandness. As only through feeling and being aware of what is there to be felt we are committing to us in full and expressing and reflecting all that is within us.
True Stefanie and thank you for expressing it in this way, we are indeed rejecting our own sensitivity and grandness, it is the easy way out.
Lets get honest about self-abusive relationships and call a spade a spade and shovel out all the crap about who we are. We are set up to self-destruct by our spirit who gets of on any emotional upheaval or elation and our body becomes addicted to the ebb and flow or roller-coaster ride, which leads to reactions and anxiety. When Joy is introduced into our Livingness life becomes one of plain-sailing with not a sniff of emotional-distractive-ness, or emotional-destructive-ness.
We can become stuck in blaming ourselves and others for reacting to situations and people in life and yet that does not really get us out of the whole we have dug for ourselves. Alternatively observing and understanding the hurts and rejections behind our reactions can offer us not only a way out of the hole but a reconnection to living who we truly are.
Just the other day I was having a conversation about work between two departments each thinking that a task was the other persons’ responsibility and neither side wanting to claim it. Separation and blame is easy when we do not have clear communication with each other and are unwilling to see our part in a situation.
If everyone would see their part in a situation and communicated that, we would have not fights or wars in this world!
“I feel it is my responsibility to work on this as I do not want to judge others” – agree Stephanie, and as I’ve been finding too, the less I learn to react the less I judge.
Thank you Stephanie. Playing the blame game we reject the opportunity to see the true reflection that is before us, and is there for us – to show us lovingly our next step of awareness.
This really is a totally life changing approach – whenever, whatever happens, if I stop and consider my part in it first, then the catalogue of reactions is arrested and I get to see clearly and learn. This feels so different and so much more expansive.
It is indeed a great evolution booster, as it does not make a break of reflecting situations that you constellated by your own choices.
It is awesome how you lovingly gave yourself space to embrace responsibility and understanding.
We live life like there’s an unwritten doctrine of our ‘rights’ : to react, to speak ‘our mind’, to withdraw, to return abuse with more abuse. Ironic given how fiercely we resist following legalities.
When we react and blame another we then have the tendency to know that what we have done is not right and to then turn inwards causing more emotional turmoil, in this situation the best thing to do is to actually appreciate that the reaction is simply showing us there is more for us to work on, its an area, a weakness where we can if we choose, choose another way.
Being honest about our weak areas and where we are more likely to react allows for understanding and with understanding we have a platform to make that change.
Right and wrong, perfection and control are a tight-knit family of attributes that stop us from claiming ourselves as the instigators of all our deeds and captains of our life.
There is a list of these attributes that stop us from claiming ourselves and the crazy thing is we take them on ourselves which means we can also very easily drop them at any time.
I find it is all well and good to tell myself to not react to people, to life, and to certain situations but I find when I haven’t healed my hurts or let go of ideals and beliefs, they will influence how I respond to life. It is pretty impossible to not react if we move and live with our hurts. So, healing our hurts is a huge support for our evolution.
That´s true, but you also have to be cautious to not call in a hurt again as you have resolved it. As it is so familiar and we might have used it many years to be in circulation energy and “having a problem”, it is an easy “go to” when you want to dig in your heels in and not want to move forward with your evolution.
Not getting caught in right and wrong and any sort of blame game, frees us up and we gain a deeper charity and so we get to respond to situations in a way that is supportive and not about personal self gain.
Our reactions can be used to justify not addressing our hurts and rejections.
Blame keeps us imprisoned in the past.
It certainly does Jstewart51, and it means we can replay our hurts over and over again. This imprisonment in a way gives us a false sense of being safe because it feels familiar.
That is a great point! By blaming we always pull back to the situation that is already past, which is more than harmful, as nothing stays- in fact it constantly expands.To blame you have to call in a force that is not you, which keeps you in a false motion – you think you go somewhere when in truth you are holding yourself back from letting go and moving on.
I’m learning very similar and all I wanted is to communicate deeper to clear reactions and misunderstanding. I appreciate opening up this with the hardest people, in situations where conversations are to be avoided at all costs, I’m learning to let go of this investment when it does not happen but to never give up the opportunity to communicate more.
How many times in my life have I been a part of, or witnessed this ” it becomes not about the actual incident but about who is right and who is wrong” where the actual incident is totally lost in the escalating argument about who is right and who is wrong? An argument that can never be settled, leaving all participants, even if in the end they agree to disagree, in a state of upset and unease.
Reacting to something is natural, as its a response between what we know as being love and what is not love. But we cross the line when we drop the standard of decency, respect or judgment towards another. To be aware of this is super insightful and important as one, it makes us look at ourselves and work or process our stuff, and two, it maintains the integrity that prevents the disintegration of relationships
I have to agree Stefanie, I do feel at times that I have the right to react. I get something out of it. I feel justified because I have been aggrieved in some way, so therefore its my right. In one way its important that we do express, but its also important to learn that we can express without reaction. The end result of both is at opposite scales of the spectrum. It is a learning process and one that we need to give ourselves the space to learn.
“When I found the reason to blame the other person I had found the justification I needed for my reaction. I was pointing the finger at the outside world instead of looking at why this was happening to me and looking at my own contributing behaviour.” This is such a great excuse isn’t it for not taking responsibility for our behaviour. We are so quick to blame another for the situations we find ourselves in, but rarely do we consider that we may actually have played a major part in that situation occurring in the first place.
A reaction that looks ‘good’ is still a reaction: anything not from love is a reaction and a walking away, a denial and dismissal of the massive amount of love that we hold within, and are.
A reaction in disguise is just as harmful as a full blown reaction, perhaps more so, because it usually lasts way longer.
We carry a very arrogant part in us, called Spirit, which hates to admit that we are in reaction. Hence why we are very good in pretending to not be in reaction. Sometimes I have to laugh at myself how I defend not being in reaction, to avoid responsibility and transparency. What a stupid game as I am not only blocking a potential of a relationship with another but my own.
“I have found blaming gets you involved in arguments as well and in the end, it becomes not about the actual incident but about who is right and who is wrong.” Very true Stefanie – right and wrong isn’t it – what about truth?
We deserve to be treated with all the Love in the world, but have the absolute responsibility to hold others this way too. If they stray or forget where they are it’s even more crucial we hold steady inside.
Absolutely Joseph, the key is to build a solid foundation for ourselves so we are steady and strong in reflecting love to others no matter what is at play.
This brings to my attention the need to look at what our responsibility is in things working out the way they do. Instead of finger pointing – what is it that is being shown to us to learn so that we can grow and evolve in bad and good situations.
Yes, thank you HM, then I reckon there are no ‘good’ or ‘bad’ situations, simply the ongoing potential and richness of learning.
This is a total gem of a blog because we get so caught up in dramas and issues and emotions because we just assume that they are part of life and there is no reason not to drive head first. But what if we took a moment to step back and consider the situation – at the end of the day, it is our choice to react to the outside world no matter what they do to us, so can we really blame or do we instead need to work on our holes and openings that allowed the reaction in the first place
Indeed our reactions are just an indication of our openings, therefore ‘work to be done’ e.g.observe ourselves and what this is all about and close that door for future encounters with other.
I agree – without this time to reflect on our reactions, we will never move past situations. Today my mum purposefully said something knowing it would get a reaction out of me, and i could feel that the reaction was almost knee jerk rather than real so to speak. It was a great reflection of an area i need to work on
‘Going into ‘right and wrong’ in any way is simply delaying reading the truth of the situation. It is a competition with a loser at the end’ – Exactly, it becomes a fight that leaves us with a ‘winner’ and a ‘loser’ – what a game.
It’s such an interesting study Stefanie, to observe the ways we give our power away to others so we don’t take the responsibility to remain connected to ourselves, to our love and power, and bring that to the world. Something for me also to consider.
I never saw myself as a blaming others person but since reading this blog it’s everywhere! It’s great to observe and just feel what is underneath when I blame and deal with that.
Humbleness is a beautiful quality and it seems to enter when we are ready to look at ourselves and how we are in life and how we relate to others including ourselves. It feels to me the quality of humbleness opens us to allow others in and at the same time, allows more of us out – that is more love to flow through our bodies.
Yes, it allows more of the TRUE us out and not the facade that most of us have learnt to hide behind.
Humbleness and being open to vulnerable and allowing others to be where they are at are great traits in a true human being, as opposed to imposing your own view of the world.
Being willing to see every moment where we react and blame others or go into right and wrong (which doesn’t exist) is a ginormous blessing for everyone. The result is that we become so humble and much more understanding of who and what is in front of us.
Blame and justification for our reactions do seem to go hand in hand. I could imagine how challenging it would be to talk about the swimming session without mentioning anyone else. “It would have all been fine if not for those people in my way”! When I thought about it, that is a perfect way to talk about what we chose and how we behaved and felt. A very evolving way to be in the world.
Righteousness used to be my major false friend of mine, I can still feel my right arm want to raise itself up sometimes when old habits haunt me. Being in reaction is a trick that imprisons us and leads us nowhere but to despair, it is not empowering in anyway, it reduces us.
I get the ‘old habits’ waiting in the wings to have their moments again and know absolutely that their way is into complication and struggle. The more I observe with interest and the willingness to learn how things happen, the more I open myself up to the richness of life and all it offers.
Very revealing blog. I can relate to the blaming as it can be so subtle. There is always something outside of ourselves to react to, blame, talk about. I love the example of the swimming session: not to refer to anone or anything outside of you. I will take that into my day and clock when I do refer to others. Back to me, back to taking responsibility for my contribution to what is occurring.
My reactions highlight to me what needs healing. Like when I get upset by what someone else has done, it’s an opportunity for me to look at what my expectations are or my investments in a person or situation being a particular way.
The moment we put ourselves above or below someone we easily go into ‘the right to react’. Last night was a classic example of this for me when I reacted to one of my children because I put myself above them, thinking that I have authority over them. An old habit of thinking I am the parent who makes all the rules, therefore I have the right to react if they are not met, wow, what a setup? I was pondering this morning how unsupportive this was and it simply doesn’t work when we meet each other void of love. Also, what I learned from my experience was that I was already not feeling myself way before I reacted and my body gave me many signals that the path I was going down was one of hardness filled with a putting down energy that left all parties feeling pretty yuk. Being aware of what took place is great to nominate and heal the hurts but being aware of what energy I was aligned to constantly and way before any situation or incident occurs is key. So, by taking a number of steps back and look at why I was not feeling myself in the first place and work on supporting myself to come back before I make the next move is what I am going to try out. By listening to my body, this will support me all the way and at any time I ignore its messages it is a sure opening for reactions and hurts.
A beautiful example Chan of your willingness to look at what was behind your reaction. I find it quite interesting that I react to some things but not others. But the aim is not to react but to observe when we and if we do react and then track back, as you have done and look at our part and the reason why we have reacted, which can only bring more understanding of ourselves, and therefore others.
Thank you for your honest sharing Chanly88, it was lovely to read you reflecting on what happened and bringing it back to looking at your part, when we do this we always get to see what it is that gets in the way and what we need to let go off, clear or change. This is how we learn, how we grow and expand, allowing more space for love.
Justify should be written justi-fight as that is what it is, a fight for being right and the demand to be treated just, i.e. being confirmed in one´s view of being right. Every ‘holy’ war has been fought in the name of right and just, but never has truth ever been won. Where right and wrong, the right to react and justification are wielded truth is not invited.
And a fight it is indeed, the war between right and wrong with ever shifting battle lines. Not that long ago it was deemed fair and right that the Sun revolved around the Earth and that smoking was relaxing – right and wrong have nothing at all over truth.
It would mean, absolute focus and honouring of our stillness and connection to our body. The moment we react, we disconnect from that instantly and simply act from our mind that loves its abusive drive and excitement.
Taking responsibility for our reactions feels like one of the greatest and most loving things we can do as a human being.
Yes, these interactions offer such depth, insight awareness and ultimate wisdom – they are indeed self-loving offerings.
We think we do have the right to react, in fact we even think this is normal in life, and somehow that is true, because there are so many things in life that go beyond our innate knowing of harmony and love, and yet reacting does not lead us anywhere but feeds exactly that what we are reacting to. So it is the reflecting of what is going on for ourselves that helps us understand where we, ourself need to look at and work on to have less of this disharmonious quality in the world.
I have noticed that when I start to make things about right and wrong, I have already begun to absorb what is ‘happening to me’ in that moment, as opposed to taking a step back and observe what is truly going on, and from there being able to read the whole picture.
Yes going into the ‘me’ story rather than making it about ‘us’ and ‘all’ does mean we go into right and wrong really quickly, I have found this also. It is like we get tunnel vision and stop ourselves seeing the bigger picture. Not going into right and wrong enables us to have a panoramic, spherical, wide lensed sense of a situation, which offers us the potential to respond rather than react.
We do all deserve to be treated lovingly, with so much care, but that’s not the reality of the world in which we currently live. And what we don’t see when we hold these expectations is the deeper reason why abuse comes our way in the first place.
“I have found blaming gets you involved in arguments as well and in the end, it becomes not about the actual incident but about who is right and who is wrong.” This is so true and all it leads to is to make ourselves feel better about ourselves over another, whereas in truth no one is better than anyone else as we are all equal and all have something of equal relevance to share with everyone.
I can very much relate to this; ‘I have found blaming gets you involved in arguments as well and in the end, it becomes not about the actual incident but about who is right and who is wrong.’ This seems to be a ‘common’ way for us to be in relationships, with us wanting to be the one who is right and the other person as wrong, rather than everyone involved looking at their part and working on a way to resolve the issue.
“Actually, it is simply a trick to avoid evolving.” Yes, so it is rather to look at why we don’t want to change or evolve instead of trying to not blame anymore as the blaming is simply the result of trying to not feel what is there to be felt about ourselves.
Yes indeed, are we willing to honestly look at the why?
Like we can inspired by more evolved role models respond to evolve further back to who we naturally are, we can too be inspired by anti evolving role models and as a reaction choose to hold back all the love that we are and choose to not evolve any further.
This blog invites me to look a bit deeper in how I respond or react to life. Do I see life as like a play garden as when I was a child, or do I see life as a hurdle, a struggle I have to go through day after day. I must say for now it is maybe 50/50 but today I can make the choice and take the step to make responding to life more prevalent then the struggle, the reacting way of life I used to live in the past.
Wanting to be right and take a stance against another is indeed a contraction from living the authority that we all have access to.
I have recently been having conversations with a friend where they have wanted to simply dump an issue and find sympathy from me, but not take responsibility for how they feel nor make any steps to address it, more than happy to stay feeling sad or depressed rather than deal with whats causing it. I realised how much we seek justification for how we feel and why we can’t let go of that feeling, determined to remain locked in an issue where we can be identified.
I agree that any judgement we hold against another regardless of how justified we think it is, is a harm that everyone can feel.
So true Andrew, it is deeply harmful and I agree that we can all feel this. Whenever we react, go into judgement, jealousy, comparison and separation it creates huge tension in our body that will eventually have to be cleared, either through self healing or illness and disease.
I have noticed I really react to others driving especially if it is dangerous. I gave challenges myself to reading these situations and observing – a challenge it will be but one I will playfully accept.
We cannot just willingly decide to not react as it takes some work, honesty and a good portion of responsibility to take care of that in us which is triggered by certain, for us very personal triggers, in other words, we need to heal our hurts and change the resulting behaviours. On top there is something that likes reaction, the spiritual being that likes to keep its story of self-identification running by consistently feeding itself with more of the same, i.e. same hurt – same trigger – same thoughts – same behaviour – same justification … So basically we have the right to be irresponsible and blame the world for it but it doesn´t get us anywhere, just stewing in one’s own juice (the spirit´s feast) to the great detriment of who we are.
‘When I found the reason to blame the other person I had found the justification I needed for my reaction.’ – Wow, how true – justification makes us blind to what is truly going on.
What I love about your sharing is that it highlights so clearly how accustomed we are to let our life be disturbed by what is going on around us. This means we go constantly off our track and involve ourselves with things that are not for us to be involved in. There is a beauty in staying steady, open and observing, being fully there, listening, feeling without the want / need / must to change anything but simply bring oneself in full.
Better express and learn that it came tainted with something and be pulled up for it than keep it within and let it permeate the body.
Sometimes we have no visible choice whether to react or not – it happened too fast. In that case I found it important not to act while in reaction and to find out why I reacted, so I had more of a choice the next time.
This is wise and very practical and very real and shows that, even after a reaction we still have the opportunity to be responsible. No judgement but also no excuses.
Blaming and reaction whether it is outward or inward is very destructive and is devoid of a clear response.
A couple of years ago I moved into an apartment on my own after having lived in varying situations with others for around 8 years, this living on my own led me to see that there was no-one else to blame for my growth or lack of it, and I became aware that from childhood on I had consistently blamed others for my feeling unloved, and for the situations I found myself in. Living on my own has given me the opportunity of stepping out of the blame game and taking responsibility for myself.
Stefanie I so know this game well! I too have been master at the blame game, all to avoid my responsibility in the situation. We think life is easier when we look out and blame but really it just keeps us trapped in the never ending harmful cycle of wrong and right.
This is such a true sharing – when we find a place for blame, or justification for our reaction, we have placed the responsibility to the outside world and look no further within ourselves as to why we reacted and what it was that triggered the reaction, how we can grow and evolve from the situation and how in the end, it matters not what happened outside of ourselves because in the end, it is our choice to react.
‘Be honest – who would not be adamant that reacting is a right in certain situations?’ – Everything in society is set up and encouraging us to be in reaction, whether it is a political discussion, movie, music, delayed flight, so called unfairness and dramas that ‘happen’ all around us, we react non stop.
It is actually a massive distraction to blame and react as a quick relief of tension… that doesn’t address the underlying separation. Its true much of the competition, sport, politics and media etc insight reaction and division.
If do not express in full, if we are not as honest as possible, then we are sowing the seeds of others’ blame and are thus responsible for it.
I like the collective call to a greater responsibility in the way we choose to be with ourselves and therefore all others. What are the seeds we are laying?
What right do we have to anything when we have knowingly walked so far from our truth, a journey that has caused untold war, disease, illness, corruption, abuse and proliferation of evil?
Yes, Stefanie, reacting and retreating from our power serves no-one, and delays us in our return to grandness. As you say, we can simply learn from every situation and step forward to be more.
Yes, reaction also lets the other off the hook – whatever we say, they can point to the reaction and ignore or reject what we say.
Well said Janet, when we are open to learning from every situation it means we are open to taking responsibility and this will always support us to evolve.
This is a great point; ‘I have found blaming gets you involved in arguments as well and in the end, it becomes not about the actual incident but about who is right and who is wrong.’ I can feel that letting go of right and wrong and instead being understanding and loving can allow us to easily resolve situations.
What you are sharing about when we react is really interesting; ‘when someone behaves in a way that is just simply disturbing to me, is unacceptable, or triggers a side in me that I still don´t like and need to work on.’ What I have learnt since reading this article is that the people that I react to and go into judgement with are there for a reason and that there is much learning to be had, so rather than being critical I am starting to ponder on what there is for me to learn in these relationships.
“Having The Right to React?” – we have a right as human beings though how often or deeply do we consider the consequences, ripple effects and repercussions of our ‘right’ and the ensuing reaction(s). When we do [take consideration], we arrive at the truth of energetic responsibility and energetic integrity.
Blame takes us away from our bodies and from what is truly going on. Even if everything we blame changed, was ‘fixed’ per say or that person we blame for making us feel uncomfortable or less than actually turned around and stopped triggering stuff for us, it would still change nothing for ourselves. As in, we will still feel the emptiness inside that we haven’t chosen to walk our power, our beauty, the love we are, with whatever is around us.
Our ideas of justice are founded on right and wrong and disconnected, random events. When we see that every single thing that occurs is relative and effected by what we choose we start to get that the pointing finger must eventually come back to us.
Very simple, honest, direct and in fact, natural is this way. Responsibility is awesome.
If we blame then all we will see is negativity in the world. What we do not like is actually First and foremost that we are not ourselves. As we are full of power not devoid of it.
Great sharing on responsibility and the expectation we have that others are responsible for making my life! Powerful it would be if this was the conversations in our workplaces.
So true, Jane, when we are fearful of the recourse if we make a mistake, every movement we make comes from protection and the ‘need’ to save ourselves from being attacked. This may sound rather dramatic, but as someone who has held a deep seated fear of this very thing for many years, I know how this restricts and handicaps us – it stops us from moving in the power and fullness of who we are. This not only affects us as individuals, but it has an enormous knock-on effect on the flow and productivity of the business.
It feels like this has the potential to be an amazing workshop for businesses. To create a workplace where people feel equality, safe to express without judgment or attack, where everyone is on the front foot in terms of taking responsibility for their own actions and choices, where the true purpose is felt with everyone working together harmoniously as a part of the whole, as opposed to individuals each trying to prove their own worth. What an amazing way to work this will be, when we all get there, which we will.
Understanding that we are all love first – this is the essence of who we are, then, it’s our choice what energy we align with, has been an enormous revelation for me and is what supports me to try and de-personalise heated situations when my go to place would normally be to react, lash out, blame, the whole gambit. When we are connected with our body we are aligning with love, when we are dis-connected we attract the opposite energy, like open vessels waiting to be used like puppets. It’s through our forever deepening relationship with our body and our awareness of the subtle changes we can feel that alert us to discern what energy we are aligning with.
Blame often acts like a boomerang, you throw it and it gets thrown straight back in your face.
The visual of your comment made me laugh Alexis, though it’s true. A popular pastime that goes nowhere, circles back and creates disharmony inwardly and outwardly.
Agreed Victoria. The outline of our body tricks our minds into believing that there is a barrier between what happens on the inside of us and what happens on the outside of us but there is no barrier on earth or anywhere else for that matter, that energy can not traverse. Therefore what we’ve got going on in the inside effects everything that’s outside of us and vise versa.
Yes, energy cannot be framed and has no boundaries either. We can all feel the quality of energy when we walk into a room.. we are sensing 24/7.
As you align immediately to the energy of right and wrong, which only can be but a fight and serves no one. Reflecting your truth in this situation could cause maybe a reaction also, but it would not seed the energy of dicussion/ blaming/ right and wrong. This kind of reaction in the other offers actually a healing for the other.
Being in reaction feels very uncomfortable in the body and when we are in it we don’t always understand how to get out of it and it’s easy to dump on other people with judgement and blame. Changing our movements and making sure we stay tender makes a difference, when we are in reaction we tend to go hard, so tenderness is a great antidote. Just walking from room to room in tenderness can shift the energy.
What a great space for reflection was your swimming session. Indeed what if we do not use other people as a target for blame and off- loading our frustrations, but welcome each and every moment as the opportunity it is to face and deal with areas of life required for us to deepen and expand our expression of who we are.
Our reactions only succeed in fuelling more of the same, hence why we have so much war, violence and abuse in the world today. By stopping when we feel the need to react, and to question what is truly going on here, how am I actually feeling right now, brings an honesty and the opportunity to then respond in a different way that allows space for conversations to open up, a sharing between people, which brings understanding and a way to then move forward in a positive way.
We can blame everything and everyone around us for our lives and the situations we find ourselves in, however, nothing will ever change until we stop, take a deep and honest look at ourselves and then take responsibility for our choices – this is a game-changer!
Reading this has reminded me of how I can blame by saying, ‘if only…’ if only I had a better car, if only I had more time, if only they were more supportive. The list is endless. What’s beautiful is coming to appreciate each situation for the opportunity to understand something that will bring healing and a more loving way of being.
Reclaiming our own power and strength, knowing and accepting that everything is perfectly designed and available, makes us more rich than any other outside factor could ever do.
It certainly adds some gumption to our self development when we truly take on board that all the world around us is doing is reflecting who we are, the good the bad and the ugly all wrapped into one Heavenly Body. The answer soon becomes clear that when we don’t like something we in the outside world, it’s time to address its root cause on the inside of us.
From reading your blog again Stefanie, I realised how blame can come in very subtle forms. If we hold back living in our true power this is already a reaction to life and therefore it impacts on everything and everyone we meet.
Yes, blame seems to be everywhere, whenever we find excuses that why we are where we are and are not willing to be open to the more that is on offer.
So true Stefanie no matter what the level of disturbance we can go into when we feel we are being judged, such a classic way and excuse to pull away from someone and keep a distance. Its all about the opposite to that, being open and transparent with others but we find this difficult because our whole lives we have been in reaction. Kinda makes sense why the world is in the mess that it is today. What would we do if there was no reactions!? Connect and go deeper into our relationships truly so.
When in reaction to accepting the truth of who we are, it is easy to be in reaction to others and then compound it by blaming others for our own lovelessness.
Letting go of attachment to outcomes and expectations lessens reactions.
Blaming another is energetic assault.
It is shifting your responsibility onto another being, to not step forward with your own power. Pure abuse.
If we took the blame out of our conversations then lots of us wouldn’t have much left to talk about.
So very true. Blame is the foundation of not only much of our conversation but also almost all of our media.
Reaction is a distraction from our opportunity to evolve, an opportunity which is on offer 24/7.
Yes it is simply a choice if we react or respond to life. a choice we can make in every moment of the day 24/7 as you say so also at night when we sleep.
How liberating would it be to have absolutely no blame or judgment on ourselves and others?
We would actually appreciate every step towards our soul and each step as a new foundation- whenever you would drop you would immediately come back to your standard, nothing falling for less. It would be a constant movement forward- living the future by being connected with our soul.
‘To have mastered a way to blame the outside world is nothing I am proud of: the only thing that it shows is how much I have avoided taking responsibility for my actions and choices.’ – If we all saw our own choices and actions with such humbleness and from there on made a change and decided to live with true responsibility, our world would soon be unrecognisable and one of true harmony.
When we react everything we experience is somehow about oneself, later we learn that everything we experience comes back to oneself in as ‘who am I in the situation, ie. do I contribute evolution or only more of the same and therefore stagnation?’.
It can be quite something to admit that we are blaming others all the time because we don’t want to take responsibility of what we have chosen and it can feel like an insurmountable roadblock. Yet it is actually beautiful if we become aware of it because with that we can change it and actually are ready to change it.
True Jane, I was just thinking the same, that when we take responsibility for our own reactions not only is it a healthy choice for ourselves it also feels amazing for others – as they are no longer feeling blamed or made wrong.
“situations that don´t turn out like I want them to be, or when someone behaves in a way that is just simply disturbing to me, is unacceptable, or triggers a side in me that I still don´t like and need to work on” These are really helpful examples in understanding reaction. I know in the past I was so used to reacting, I didn’t realise the depth and subtlety of reactions, and so I would most likely have denied many reactions. It feels very healthy to spot what’s going on and take responsibility for it.
The need to be right, the other wrong is so inbuilt when we want to defend our hurts and our behaviour. By taking responsibility for how we react and why we react takes a lot of heat out of a sticky situation.
The term ‘playing the blame game’ is actually incredibly accurate in exposing this as a way we play manipulative games with each other in relationships.
When we see that we are right and justified in reacting then we have already lost the plot and therefore not able to see the bigger picture and the part we played in choosing to react.
It is a deep arrogance that we then choose in these situations. A behaviour that surely does not belong to our soul and its expression.
A cracker Stefanie. Its very powerful what you are presenting if you want to go there yourself. I have used blame for as long I have lived. I have been worse off from this since committing to be a student of life and the esoteric. Armed with more knowledge and seeing another’s behaviour towards or around you that is everything you now know is ‘not responsible’ is ‘their stuff’ — “How could their irresponsible behaviour be anything to do with you?” I would think to myself. Thus is the arrogance, and is the easy blame game. This has not been easy to learn when you do not want to deal with your hurts cause if something goes on it is you you must look at first.
Yes, I am noticing more and more how easily I am reacting to life’s challenges. I can make huge dramas out of small events and then, once I am in it, my mind goes round and round and I dig myself in deeper and it’s only when a friend supports me to reflect on what I am doing that I can stand back and realise what’s been going on, that I’ve let in an energy that has been running me and intensifying my reaction.
Reactions are such a gift, they always point me to a deeper responsibility next time so that this situation is taken care of, I get to empower myself and express more responsibly. It is very cool.
It is so easy to cast blame and remain a victim in life, but it does not make us any happier and keeps us going round in circles. Taking responsibility for our choices is actually very freeing, as we are open to constantly learning about ourselves and the world around us.
Well said Janet. There certainly is an arrogance in blaming another as we are blatantly communicating that we are not willing to see the truth and be honest with the choices we are making and why, and instead opting to continue living a lie regardless of the impact it has or is having.
‘Taking responsibility for our choices is actually very freeing’ this is so true. Like in the past I have gone round and round in circles, blaming others etc but as soon as we start to take responsibility – bam something shifts and gosh it feels good. After writing this I am starting to reflect on where I can be/take more responsibility for and in my life 💫
Whenever I react, I feel very unsettled within, I’ve always considered this is due to the emotion being expressed, but I’m now feeling it’s more than this. There is a knowing that in my reaction and blame towards the other person I have hurt them, and in turn, hurt myself, but the greatest hurt is that I’ve chosen to bury my responsibility – to claim my part in the situation. I’m using the other person as my justification as to why it isn’t my ‘fault’. Even if the other person has been abusive, I know that it’s the energy working through them that I have a problem with, what is needed is for me to address the energy, rather than ‘attack’ the person.
No one ever has to change, it is up to them, and the space given to them is loving. But what we don’t like we take deeper responsibility for and the power is in our hands.
To react or blame is always connected to time. It is not on us to judge how long someone needs to get out of their pattern. The only thing we can do is pulling them up constantly by reflecting to them who they truly are in their essence with no pressure or (time related) expectations.
Blaming has such an insidious underlining energy to it, and yet is a part of so many people’s lives… Great to be exposing what is underneath this.
How often do we regret words and actions that come fro reactions? I can’t think of anything I have done in reaction ever being a good thing. It show me that when we react we are not with ourselves and are wide open to any energy using our vehicle.
Spot on Kev. Reactions are the actions that are only possible having first left ourselves. Once we have left ourselves, then it’s anyone’s game where we’ll end up.
That is just what I was thinking when I read the first line of your comment … that when we react we are not present with ourselves .. like really with our body where our mind is completely with our body as well and the actions we are doing. I know when I have reacted I have not been present with myself and things like sugar, caffeine, gaming etc take us away from being present with ourselves so considering at least these 3 things are currently going through the roof in the world with what is being consumed or a ‘trend’ how many people within the world are currently more set up to react than respond being really present with themselves?
Whenever I did something in reaction it was with a push and I was not expressing in the way I normally express, even though I tried to hide the actual reaction. Whenever something gets me reacting now, I stop and wait until the urgency to reply or say something has faded away by calming down, as then the true me has space again and speaks from its loving inside.
The last paragraph prompts me to ponder more deeply on what the opportunities are which lie in the moments where I have a tendency to feel reaction as these are precisely the areas we can learn so much. A great and inspiring reminder.
Every reaction presents an opportunity to heal.
This is what I have been learning Zofia. If I do react I stop and look at why I am reacting, what was my trigger and lead up to the reaction and I can quite often find it was the outplay of something that had been happening earlier in the day or the day before. What ever happens in life whether seen as ‘good or ‘bad’ if we are willing, there is always an opportunity to learn.
We have all known people that are the same as you were once Stefanie! Blaming others becomes our get out of jail free card that is dog-eared from overuse when responsibility gets to close!
It is all about responsibility. When we avoid responsibility we have the tendency to start blaming the outer world, other people and do not reflect on ourselves.
What is right – what is wrong? When we enter that space we will never come truly together but instead put conditions on it. For instance I will only allow you into my circle of ‘friends’ when you in my opinion are not wrong, but right. So there is that constant judgement and in any moment, when you become wrong to me, I do not want to see you any more and put you outside my inner circle.
Responding to what is before me without judgement is an unfolding quality. I hear myself saying ‘Let it be.’ Sometimes, there’s nothing to say to another, simply to be with them in a loving way. Other times, I observe my thoughts, reactions and judgments pop up all the time and have to be released.
I agree it is an unfolding quality to stop reacting to the world around us or even ourselves, to give ourselves the grace to make ‘mistakes’ in this process, not jump at ourselves when/ or if we fall back in, but always remind ourselves of the learning at hand in any given situation.
What you have shared Stefanie should be read out loud in the kindergarten and at school as it is an invitation to all to change their lives as you did – simply wonderful and inspirational.
“No longer do I see people or situations as excuses to react and retreat from my own power, but actually as precious gems that show and reflect to me the areas where I still need to take a deeper look, knowing that I have the choice as to how I move on, and in what quality.”
Could you imagine workplaces if this was adopted globally? GAME CHANGER.
I can testify that the judgements we have on people are all acutely felt and when we judge, everyone is not being themselves. No one evolves.
So true, we do feel judgement being directed at us and feel the ugliness of allowing judgement through us to touch another.
Blame is a blind alley, taking us away from our own power and leading us to judge others; it does nothing but add to hurts and reactions, and so to allow ourselves to step back from this and see our part frees all of us.
‘Be honest – who would not be adamant that reacting is a right in certain situations?’ Such a great question to knock out the conviction and justification of reaction.
I once walked in rage and anger and felt totally justified. I said that if anyone had experienced what I had they too would know why it was my right to disturb the peace. I was busting for a fight especially if I felt judged. I may have got that no-one can judge another because no-one has ever walked in another’s shoes for a day let alone lifetimes but I experienced the world through the filter of my hurts and never once considered how I was passing them on to others, so adamant I was on letting the world feel my pain too.
This mindset and emotional turmoil I was in felt fiercely justified, like being a juggernaut crashing through life and once embarked upon, very addictive. But there is no love in it, only pain and suffering, irresponsibility and loneliness. Is this something I want to engender in myself and the world? If no then I got to honest at all the more subtle levels that I still quietly crash through life.
righteousness in reaction is a dangerous disguise.
Yes blame holds us in the past – we go over and over the same old ‘poor me’ story … rather than empowering ourselves by taking responsibility for our choices and therefore learning, growing, bringing understanding to why we made those choices and moving on. This is what brings about true and lasting change/healing.
We blame when we don’t want to take responsibility for our life and for our choices.
“Having the right to react?” is a great question, and brings up for me the amount of self-righteousness there is in the world today – that people often feel entitled to something, it is their ‘right’ in a self-serving way … without considering responsibility for the situation they find themselves in and or how this may impact others.
‘I have tried a different way in how I communicate my feelings and have reflected on my choices first, before observing what the other person did ‘wrong.’ – if we all chose to live in this way, we would eliminate all conflict. Instead of blame to shirk our own responsibility for the part we played, we could have open and honest discussion to support each other to a deeper level of understanding and evolution.
The first two words of this blog ask us to ‘be honest’. A reaction is a lie; in that it is a refusal to see the whole picture. If we were willing to fully observe and understand then there is no way we could react.
This is what I am learning more and more, before looking at another first look at myself and how I have lived .. what thoughts I have had etc. It is very arrogant to always think it is someone else and not reflect how we have been.
The title of this blog is revealing in that even the notion of “having the right to”… do anything… implies an already-made-judgement.
It is the defiant child in us, that does not want to grow up.
Or “grow back”. Back to what we once were, back to our truth, back to heaven. Our pride resists admitting that we already know all of this – which thus makes our errant ways even more foolish and indulgent.
Yes, we do play silly games when we seek to justify or blame, as it is just an avoidance of our own responsibility for the choices we have made.
The more I come to realize and know who I am, the easier it becomes to put my hands up to the irritating things I see reflected in other people and say ‘yep, I do that too’. There is no faster way to support our selves to see beyond our limitations, realize our power and potential by bringing love, awareness and understanding to all our imperfections. It is this process that empowers us to see that we are not perfect, what we are is Love.
A beautifully honest blog Stefanie – reacting and blaming is a world plague and we see it everywhere in society, and isn’t it so that we even think we have the right to do it?
Thank you Stephanie, I see that too now, loud and clear; reactions to others are excuses – to not stay in my power.
Blaming “is simply a trick to avoid evolving” as it keeps one stuck in the past always looking backwards for excuses for why life is the way it is rather than understanding what it is we need to renounce to live the future, free of patterns and behaviours that are the cause of why we feel we need to play the blame game.
Stefanie, this blog is a beautiful example of taking responsibility and dropping the blame game, and start looking at what is really going on in life. By being open to learning from every situation we are less likely to react and we start to learn how to live in our power. Also, by bringing truth to every situation, no excuses or finger pointing, we offer evolution and not destruction.
What a powerful blog – showing us that we no longer have the excuse to react in any way shape or form.
Of course ‘reacting is a right’ but that doesn´t make it a truth – something we often like to confuse or ignore. Reaction installs separation and individuality, truth unifies and renounces individuality.
Great point Alex, only because we can do certain things, does not mean that they are true. It is just the ignorance and false power in us, that knows that we can act however we choose to and at the same time enjoys and defends these choices.
Yes, confusing ‘power’ with control, and thus frolicking in the irresponsibility and waywardness we have the right to choose and entertain.
Oh how I have used reactions!
I have been like a child having tantrums to try to change how things are but it doesn’t work…
I have spent so much time and energy in re-action, not accepting choices made, how things are…
It is obvious to me that my reactions to things have caused me so much more pain, trouble and harm than the things I was reacting to… this is eye opening.
The work of Serge Benhayon has supported me to take more responsibility for my reactions and for accepting things so I can be more loving with myself and every one else.
Reaction is a classic invention to cop out from the responsibility and it is also a marker that exposes what is next on list of issues to deal with. Thank you for sharing!
Reacting is something I have spent a lot of energy on, and it is silly as you say, a total waste of energy. I react less but there is still things I hold onto for wanting to be ‘right’ again a total waste of my energy!
The moment we sense that something is not true we have a choice whether we respond or react to it. One leads us back to the truth, the other leads us so far away.
Blaming can also be infectious and spread like wildfire, even though there maybe no evidence We get swooped in the emotion, which is highly addictive and then we become unable to see the truth right in front of us or even question if something is true.
Blaming others, rather than seeing the part that we play and seeing things as right and wrong definitely limits our awareness and results in tunnel vision. You simply can’t see the whole situation and read what is happening, even if its right under your nose.
What I get a sense of here is that why do we think we have the right to do something that affects others and ourself in a way that slows down our evolution. If the purpose of life is evolution, then surely as a society we should all be working together to support each other to be all that we naturally are – gracefully and speedily evolving along the way.
‘The practitioner asked me how I felt after completing the task she had set during the session, but in my answer I was not allowed to refer to anyone else in the group, especially if I felt to use them as an excuse for my performance.’ – what a super cool exercise – asking you to stay with yourself as you explored how you felt whilst taking responsibility and being fully accountable for the consequences of your choices – with no easy ‘out’ in blaming others.
The fact that it can be difficult to answer a question in this day and age about how we are without referring to other people in our answer is evidence that we do need to change where our attention is focussed, from looking out to looking in, especially if we are not feeling good in ourselves and thus attempting to blame elsewhere. The key to how we are is how we choose to live and respond to life.
Very true, Susie – if we’re not blaming others for how we are feeling, another common complaint is how ‘busy’ we are. However, this just feels like another distraction for us to avoid taking responsibility for how we are living. It’s not the volume of work that we have that weighs us down, it’s the quality of our movements in what we are doing that either supports or totally drains us.
I really like what you are saying, as it is so true- we only feel content, when we feel another being more miserable than us. On which scale do we measure our well being and are we not ourself our best compass to know if we are truly joyful and healthy without comparing and judging with the outside?
Yes, we can choose to react to life or we can choose to respond to life… the choice is always ours in every moment.
To judge some one we have to actually reduce them to just their behaviour and their behaviour in a particular moment. We are contributing to the lessening of that person and in affect pushing them down into something they are not.
What a disempowering way to interact with someone. It kind of curses them energetically to not arise from what they are choosing in that particular moment. Without judgement truth is an uplift and an embracing, with judgement whatever you say does not consider the other and only acts out for your-self. No wonder the other goes into defence and protection.
Whist simultaneously ‘pushing ourselves down into something we are not’. Judgement, lose, lose.
An important reminder that everything is energy first. We have energy pouring through us constantly, the question is to be aware of the energetic quality of what we are receiving – it is love or the complete opposite. When someone’s behaviour is abusive, what we are reacting to is the energetic quality of what they are allowing to come through them. We tend to personalise this and blame the other person, rather than addressing their behaviour, with the understanding that it isn’t who they are, but the energy they have allowed in.
So true Joshua… and we can hold people in that past behaviour when they may have learnt from that situation/experience and moved on.
To connect to the ‘being’ rather than human qualities such as behaviour and physical attributes eliminates judgement.
And in that act we forget that in putting that person down as being wrong, we not only lessen the other person but more so ourselves as to our nature we are so different – 180º different actually.
Joshua what you have expressed is gold,
” pushing them down into something they are not”
and how many of us felt this imposition as children and then went on to do exactly the same thing that we hated to other people when we grew up.
Blame, yes, it is a useful tool when we don’t wish to take responsibility for anything that is happening in our lives. We can indulge in the drama of victimhood and completely ignore our part in events. Being open to learning from the reflections others provide makes such a difference to our evolution.
Very well said Carmel, this is so true and through our willingness to take responsibility and therefore evolve, we get to feel how much lighter, joyful and beautiful life is. When we get stuck in victimhood and blame, as a result, life is simply full of misery.
Thinking that it’s our right to react to another, or wherever we might find ourselves in life, is how we set ourselves up to be a victim of life and others. The more honest I get with how and what I actually feel, instead of the constant overriding and pushing it away, the more I can see the extent of my own reactions. In this, I have a choice; more of the same, reacting to my own reactions; or offering myself understanding and acceptance: the space to see it all, let go, and move forward.
Yes, Bryony, there is always more we can learn and by giving ourselves the space to feel what’s really going on in a situation, it can feel very empowering to bring absolute honesty to what we are still reacting to, deal with it and then move on.
It sounds like a big lesson in stepping up and accepting responsibility. But we can also be the enablers of others by allowing that blame. So there’s also a responsibility in calling out this behaviour. But the key is not to do it out of reaction.
‘I have found blaming gets you involved in arguments as well and in the end, it becomes not about the actual incident but about who is right and who is wrong.’ Gosh, how easy is it to get caught in this for us all, adults and children. It can be no more clearly demonstrated than with children on a playground who are arguing. Each one blaming the other for the problem and each one refusing to take responsibility for their part, their hurt and their reaction. This we do constantly as adults too.
well said Elizabeth, in understanding the triggers are showing us something for ourselves there is no longer a need to look at what triggered it other then with a humble thank you for having it exposed 🙂
The right and wrong discussion is fueled by the ‘right and wrong’ stance we take towards ourselves. If we look at life as a series of possibilities to learn and evolve we do not need to take a critical stance towards ourselves or another and the space is allowed for observation and honesty.
Through a very loving exchange with someone, I recently discovered what a very deep fear I have of being wrong. It’s not that I want to be right, rather, I want to protect myself from the shame and ridicule of being ‘wrong’, of being made to feel lesser. It seems a very ingrained pattern of behaviour in our society to be jostling for the ‘upperhand’ with each other, even if we are ‘only joking’ or achieving this in very subtle ways. Unless we accept and live with absolute equality with each other, we are judging and holding others to be less or more than our selves, whether we choose to be aware of this or not.
This is so Alison, the ability to be in absolute equality with another can only come from having a level of self love and acceptance and therefore no need to place ourselves compared to another.
Our reactions are simply an outplay of our own dissatisfaction with the choices we have made that have led us to be in the situations that we find ourselves in.
I know definitely for me every time I catch myself saying or thinking… “but it is because this person did this, or it is because this happened..” then I am in blame mode and not taking responsibility for my part in things and not acknowledging that whatever happens we do have a choice to react or respond.
I agree with you Stefanie Henn-Hecke whenever I blame someone else I now know it’s time to look at what my part is in the situation being presented. This is a huge shift in the way I perceive life and my reaction to it.
I feel this blog is an invitation to look more closely and bring more awareness to the ways in which I may react in any situation. Sure, there are the obvious types of reaction, but I can also feel those which lay a little deeper and are not so obvious.
I find judgement, especially, sneaks in so easily. By not accepting fully where one is at, judgement finds place. I then turn the question always towards myself and ask: where do I not accept myself in full, that others have to be a certain way for me ?
There is nothing worse than to feel inside your body the soiled quality of oneself during and post any reaction.
How true Zofia, we know it so well by the feeling in our body.
When we ask ourselves what part we are playing in any given situation often it takes the legs from under the reaction. Taking responsibility for our part is very powerful as we can change ourselves but not another.
When we take responsibility for the part we have played in a situation, it offers the space for the other person to do the same, inviting open, non-judgmental, non-confrontational discussion, which is immensely healing and expanding.
Stephanie, this is beautiful; ‘No longer do I see people or situations as excuses to react and retreat from my own power, but actually as precious gems that show and reflect to me the areas where I still need to take a deeper look.’ I love this. Living this way would allow us to appreciate other people rather than be critical and judgemental.
Stephanie, this is really interesting; ‘So I had the chance to feel even more precisely how much I blame the world, using others as an excuse to not be ME.’ I can relate to what you are sharing here. What I can feel is that no matter what is going on around us we can stay with ourselves and that we do not need to react to other people and situations and we can instead respond and stay steady and connected.
This is Gold Stefanie, thank you for sharing.
Reacting is like slapping our self, to stay away from our responsibility. Over time we become gun-shy when anything closely resembling it comes too close!
Sometimes I feel like there are a series of set ups with the intention of getting a reaction out of me , a sort of goading towards a losing of the plot, and this can be with people or a hose snagging on something of a piece of machinery not preforming well. All of which I need to look at the bigger picture and my part in it all.
All ‘set ups’ are amazing opportunities to learn from if we are open to look at the part we ourselves play in it.
Yes Kev, divinity at play and opportunities to evolve constantly offered. The question is are we awake or sleep walking?
The beautiful thing about taking 100% responsibility for ourselves is that it is very empowering, we can live in a way knowing the power is always within us to change how we feel and how we live.
Often our ‘reactions’ can be completely disproportionate to the situation, because something has triggered a deep hurt within, which may have absolutely nothing to do with the person in front of us. They may have said something which hit a nerve, and we find ourselves lashing out, rather than sharing how we’re feeling, with the awareness that there is a whole lot more that’s been triggered which has nothing to do with the other person. We have the choice to use this as a healing opportunity, or shun taking any responsibility and put the blame fairly and squarely on the other person. leaving the hurt where it is, ready to raise it’s head again on another day.
We all always have the ‘right’ to express and share how we are feeling, in fact, it’s really important for us to do so as this allows the space for discussion increased awareness and greater understanding, but when we react, it’s more a projection full of emotion, which isn’t pleasant to be on the receiving end of.
What an insightful realisation to have… which dismantles the configuration of the pattern we previously were unconscious to… Amazing how when one has the desire to be super honest, that this delivers such truth, love and awareness thereafter. What a healing! Everyone benefits…
‘…in the end, it becomes not about the actual incident but about who is right and who is wrong.’ I’ve observed this so often in myself and others – I’ve found myself at a point where I’ve forgotten what the argument is about and in a situation where I’m across from someone I love and feeling like it makes no sense. I’m now clocking all the times where I want to blame and stopping myself from going there because I see that actually this is an opportunity to bring love to a situation and be closer.
We react at such a young age, we see what is around us, we don’t get appreciated for who we truly are and then before we know it we start to go into reaction of a world that is not really connecting to the true purpose of who we are, beings that express Love that is mulitdimensional.
Yes it is only when we are willing to see our part in any interaction that we can offer the opportunity to heal to another.
Yes there is so much that can heal just from one persons willingness to look honestly at their part.
I once heard a beautiful quote that went something like “when you react its your own issues returning.” The gist of this and your blog offer us the same opportunity to evolve our selves, for any time we react to something or someone, somewhere inside us an issue requires our attention.
Wow, this makes absolute sense Rowena. So, if we work on healing our issues then we are free to be who we are and less likely to react to life. When we get to this level of clarity and willingness to embrace responsibility we are then able to inspire others to also heal.
Righteousness is a slow burning candle, and one that leaves a very empty feeling at the end.
This is a fabulous expose of using blame when we react. It is such an easy option when it comes to dealing with life and not dealing with the things we don’t want to address in ourselves. Going into right and wrong is a game that no one wins or learns from. Instead it makes us dig deeper into our old behaviours and ways of perceiving situations.
Reacting keeps us in the drama of a situation, something we can use to distract ourselves from feeling the space that is on offer.
Reacting and indulging in the blame game is such a great excuse for not committing to life as there is always someone or something that we can blame as the reason that we have not been able to …
Great that you have exposed this for yourself and now have the opportunity to make different choices and embrace the way the energy has shifted.
Reacting, blaming and pointing the finger keeps us turning around in a very tight circle of victimhood and stuck in a situation that disallows responsibility for self – our thoughts, actions, written and spoken words.
Blame is a fog that gets in the way of us actually understanding what energy is at play. And so it locks us in instead of opening us up to evolve.
Believing that we have the right to react is in itself a reaction.
I had a meeting with my family last night to discuss our behaviours and our reactions towards each other after dinner. In the meeting, it started out with each of us speaking in reaction to try and resolve what previous just happened and I could see this wasn’t going anywhere. In reaction, I got up and walked away and shared that I wasn’t willing to listen to the same defensiveness and blame replay in the meeting. I could hear the conversation continue and I rejoined the meeting once I was feeling more able to support. When I reflected on what happened, it was obvious that by holding onto images, picture and expectations of how things should be it was so easy to react. It is so true that any form of reaction is us avoiding to evolve and it was so clear to see this play out last night. Another point that jumped out at us was that we need to bring more appreciation and willingness to truly connect throughout our day. A work in progress for us all.
“Any form of reaction is us avoiding to evolve ” put as simply as this stops me in my tracks and prevents me from wriggling out of seeing what is truly at play.
And so understanding that most of us spend most of our time in some form of reaction, it’s clear to see that we are all sabotaging our own evolution en masse.
“by holding onto images, picture and expectations of how things should be it was so easy to react.” Yes this is important and one I can relate to. Recently, I felt the full force of it when I reacted strongly to set of events. Not until I reflected on what happened did I see the cause: an unconscious expectation events would be one way, instead of remaining open to what was actually before me.
What a powerful exercise you were offered in the pool. Could you imagine if the world was offered the same? How would we go if we did not use other people as an excuse for our performance? I will start testing it out myself and see how I go.
Blame never gets us anywhere in relationships or in life, this is fact.
Yes Jane, Feeling unsettled is a sure sign we’ve crossed the line, either blaming or reacting. Once again, the body does not lie.
Reaction, blame, justification and then further reaction, blame and justification … what a cycle we stubbornly trap ourselves in, all to avoid taking responsibility for our choices.
Great blog. In my experience it is ok to react when something pretty awful happens. The key is not to continue with the reaction through blaming or reinforcing the reaction. Once we then have clarity there will be no need to blame.
Yes.. as much as we’d like to not react to things, we are humans, we feel and we react, and slowly learn how to hold steady and observe instead. Like you say, it’s always our choice as to how long we stay in that reaction, or when we choose to let go, and see a situation clearly for what it is.
Blaming is certainly a trick to stop us evolving for we don’t look at our own part in things as long as we look outside / at others.
So true Monica, blame is one of many tricks we have up our sleeves to stop us from evolving and the more we let go of these tricks and start to take responsibility for everything in life, the lighter we become and we get to see and experience that life is a joy when we live consistently embracing responsibility and love.
Sometimes I am surprised about how many tricks we have up our sleeves and how willing we are to defend our investments, just to keep the control and bubble in its place and to not have to surrender to love.
Reacting and blaming show me always clearly where I want the world and people to be in a certain way, instead of surrendering to the learning that is always on offer with everything. And how many ideals and pictures there still are.
I was having a conversation with someone the other day and to her, she was adamant that having arguments was completely normal and that this is just how it is – yet what if this was simply a justification for the status quo protecting the convenience of the arrangements we make in relationships so as to avoid feeling our hurts?
Reacting has been an effective play at avoidance – tucked ever at the ready under one’s arm much like a newspaper used to swat at pesky flies, whenever it gets a bit too close. Essentially reaction is the immediate guard – the stay away from me as I do not want to look at what is to be looked deeply at.
Reaction can be a spring-board for learning if we are prepared to look at ourselves honestly. Certainly we are not going to be able to walk through life without reacting to some things – but what we can be committed to is learning from these ‘alarm bells’.
Thank you Lee, I had a chuckle after reading your comment because it is so true. I have been a pro at reactions and blame, and now I am much more willing to take responsibility for life. I am more open to allowing people in and I’ve dropped the newspaper under my arm. This has made a huge difference to my life, it is supporting me to evolve and it ripples out to other as well.
So true Jane, how we are when we feel a reaction to something is key – do we take that and learn and reflect or deny and blame. The latter is not so healthy, the former is the new wellbeing.
For me it’s frustration more than blame but interestingly the reason resonates with me – ‘Actually, it is simply a trick to avoid evolving.’
Yes, those swimming sessions are very good for reflecting how we are living, and in fact all of life reflects how we are living if we are open to receiving its lessons. Sometimes it helps to have someone talk to us about what we are experiencing and clarifying the reflection for us, but it only works if we are willing to listen and evolve.
Sometimes behaviours are so ingrained that we can´t get out of them by ourselves, because they are so “normal” to us . We need each others reflection- relationships are everything to evolve and let go of our comfort and what does not belong to our natural expression.
” Actually, it is simply a trick to avoid evolving.”
This is so true for when one goes into reaction they individual themselves and when one focuses that reaction on another they individual the other, all this contributes to separation in the whole which is one.
We’ve turned the purpose of life from evolution into devolution and we don’t care how we do it. And almost every single one of us is in on it. And when our kids are born, we make sure we corrupt them early, lest they should have the clarity to call us out.
I was caught out recently with this. Landing in a different country with assumptions of how things would be, when they weren’t and in the heat of the midday sun, descended into frustration and blame. Two hours later and in a moment of quiet reflection I was saw how I had set myself up for this, it had nothing to do with anyone else.
In conversation with someone I know she shared two examples where she blamed two friends who she said ‘drained’ her and left her exhausted. I reflected that perhaps it would be wiser to reflect on what was going on inside herself to allowed others to drain her in the first place.
Allowing ourselves to become drained by others is a great excuse for not getting on with our own stuff.
I know that one Helen, how simple would it be if we lived in a way that meant we choose not to react to others and therefore choose not to be drained by others. But instead live as Serge puts it, like a fish in the sea and not get wet.
I agree Stefanie every-one does feel every thing it just depends whether we allow ourselves to register what we are feeling or to avoid it by checking out.
Such a great insight offered Kehinde by your comment about someone feeling drained and exhausted in relationship with others: “perhaps it would be wiser to reflect on what was going on inside herself to allowed others to drain her in the first place.” This level of self reflection and assessment is a profoundly empowered and responsible way to respond to every aspect of life.
When we react to others we miss the opportunity offered to be love instead of an emotion which ripples out and adds to the hurt already out there.
Reaction and blame add to the created mess we are all already paddling around in; we might say we don’t like it but how willing are we to forsake the knee jerk reaction off pointing the finger, trigger happy as we are?
Yes, there is no connection when we are busy reacting and it’s connection that leaves us feeling fulfilled at the end of the day.
Most of us live in an almost permanent state of reaction of some kind or another. Like being at sea for almost your whole lifetime, after a while you forget what The Land of the Real Me looks like.
When we appreciate a situation we open the door to understanding and the life lesson that is being offered. It can sometimes be relatively easy to do this in our heads but to fully embrace this in the body may take a bit longer, and in feeling this out we may uncover other feelings but we will become more honest with ourselves and find a deeper level of intimacy as we come closer to the truth
Another insidious form of blame is that given up sense of ‘it’s all too much’ or being too exhausted etc.. reacting against the world, work, the needs, demands and expectations, instead of taking responsibility for our own self care and way of being first so that we feel prepared and equipped to handle all that comes our way.
Do you know these situations: you hold it and don´t react what comes from another, although it is not pleasant and very challenging- but then comes a point where you say: NOW, it is too much. Now, I do react- enough is enough. I watched myself doing that and it exposed that my level of observation had a measure and a limit. Since then, I am focussing in deepening my observation and not putting an expectation on the other but reading energy all the time.
That is true – turning away from everything is a big reaction.
Yes when we take responsibility for the way we are, we are much less likely to react and blame others for situations etc that we find ourselves in.
This is great to read and to expose where we so subtly (or not) blame others and situations and use them as justifications for our reactions or actions, including withdrawal, delay and inertia- all forms of reaction.
Could it be that we have completely bastardised the truth about our rights, for example, anyone can get on-line and abuse another and consider that it is their right to do so? But why is it someone’s right to abuse another whilst at the same time it’s okay for the abused to be abuse? There is no equality, decency, respect in any of this, which shows us that it is not okay in the first place.
I know this one too – always found someone or something to blame, but never considered that I might be the one who could actually turn this around. But now I am aware of it, its becoming much more apparent when I do react, and it becomes easier to stop myself and look at why I am still doing it rather than placing the blame on another. Its a continual learning.
Reacting can go in all different ways, we can choose to defend, attack or withdraw. It is good to realize that one is not better then the other and that all equally contribute to what we see as wrong in this world. We have collectively deemed some reactions as wrong, some as ok and some we champion. But in the end it is all coming from the same energetic source and therefor adding this quality of energy to the ‘pool’ we already have. This is one of the reasons why understanding this world from an energetic point of view is crucial to make any true and lasting changes.
This morning while brushing my teeth I was hit with yet another layer of how much I use other people’s behaviour as an excuse to not take full responsibility for my own choices. It is the perfect set up for the spirit to maintain control for if we all blame others, or in other words put conditions on stepping into the fullness of who we are (I will do it if you …) then we can keep running around in circles for eons. (as we have).
I agree that this right to react is one human right we hang on to dearly. We say it is human nature but as you have outlined so very clearly here Stefanie, is it really part of our true nature?
Great question Andrew, it is certainly not part of our nature to react but it is easy to justify and accept something less so we don’t have to take responsibility for our behaviours and how we express. Any form of irresponsibility will keep us stuck in reactions, misery and hurts for a very long time, avoiding evolution is hurting us all.
Realising that when I blame others I am avoiding my responsibility in a situation, the truth of the situation. Although challenging at times it is also very empowering as it puts me ‘in the driving seat’, so to speak, rather than the back seat driven by the situation.
This article is great in the way that it highlights the fact that there are not so many role-models in the world today who are living without blame, and so it goes along unchecked and taken as normal, when in fact it is so far from the truest sense of what normal can be, because there is no love in blame.
This is a great conversation to be having as many of us blame and justify rather than just appreciate that there is a lesson being acted out that can support us to evolve ourselves out of this plane of life.
And I can feel this enormous arrogance when I do react and blame others… that is their fault, and not looking at my part in it. It is unnecessary for everything to be perfect or right, just that we feel what is going on and take responsibility for our part.
‘…there is no right or wrong – only truth.’ Knowing this, there’s no place for any argument, just the honest acceptance about everything that comes to us to learn and embrace at every moment.
Looking for a scape goat can often be like a knee-jerk reaction, a way to let off steam and divert the attention away from ourselves and blame another/others. This is not only dishonest but it stops us and everyone else from getting on with it and changing what can be changed.
Often we look at children who are having a meltdown and judge them but we can do the same thing as an adult and feel that it is justified? The actions and words may be a bit more sophisticated but the energy is still the same.
Blaming is like attacking someone who’s given you a present. It completely misses the point. Could it be we don’t actually want the gift of evolution, increased awareness and responsibility, so shoot the messenger instead?
Reactions, when they are honestly admitted to and there is the want to understand who we are/ourselves over otherwise blaming, are great because they indicate which aspects of us need healing so that reactions no longer consume and destabilise our life.
When we think we have the right to react it clearly exposes our arrogance, a held righteousness sometimes stubbornly so of being right yet we do not react because of another, situation, group of people etc. we react because we are either hurt or resisting our power – the knowing of truth which we overrode.
Thank you for sharing this, it brings so much clarity to life’s every moment and opens me up to explore my every move and intention more.
Same for me Esther, this blog and the many comments here are very supportive and inspires me to be more aware of what is going on throughout my day and what I am allowing to take place that is not evolving or supportive.
Yes, so true, we have made reaction a very normal behaviour, but this actually hinders us to go deeper and understand that there is so much more and so much more to learn.
I have noticed how children are quick to point the blame at others to avoid getting into trouble, It doesn’t work for them so why should we think it works when we get older. Getting honest about where we are at is the most important step in our evolution.
Could it be, that children that did get away with it when they were young, use it as a maker in their life, as Stefanie has described for avoiding responsibility?
So the problem here is not the children but the adults who raise the kids as such? Meaning in a way that children fear the consequences of being honest? No wonder everything is such a mess and some people, possibly many, do not ever seem nor want to grow up.
Whenever I hear someone saying “I have a right” in a self-vindicating way, I am immediately suspicious.
I’m super suspicious too it’s awesome to admit that and then there is an understanding towards myself and others. It brings me back to me to acknowledge my feelings.
We all have triggers and most of us feel justified in our reactions. But we will keep being triggered until we realise that the reason why we’re being triggered is so that we can identify what does not belong in the body. The purpose of our bodies is to act as a portal for love and nothing else, therefore anything that is in the body that is able to get triggered does not, ultimately belong in the body.
I find it supportive to express what triggers me, then I immediately know where to take more responsibility and there is no need for the world to change one bit but I can take the responsibility to change.
The moment we try to win an argument, we’ve lost.
Yes we have lost our way and lost our connection with love.
Exactly Andrew because if we were connected to love, then there would be nothing to try and win.
That sounds very simple and very wise and soooo true. When we ‘try’ to do anything we are in the wrong game.
Indeed Jane, if we choose to make life about learning and to understand life then reactions do show us the point of emptiness we live with and are craving to be filled with love.
Thank you Stefanie for writing on this subject because for me this is very relatable, blaming the world and or other people for my own mistakes or mishaps in life.
To react on situations seems the way to be with life as is the normal for many and for a long time has been for me too. Reacting on life and making choices on these reactions have made me do move houses, not completing studies, breaking up relationships, non enjoying life for what it brings and not looking after myself with care and so on and so on. I am so glad I came across Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that presented to me another way of life and that reacting to life is not normal but instead an avoidance to take responsibility and to understand that life is about returning to a way of being with oneself, with others and the world that is based on the emerging love from the inside and not on any reaction on what comes from outside.
That is beautiful Nico – ‘to be involved with life from an emerging love and connection’ – what a great way to be with life compared to reaction. I know I hold onto reaction because the opposite way requires a surrender of the personality/self to the oneness of life which can be simple but often fought against!
Yes Vanessa, and that inner fight you are talking about is not only at the interior of people. As we all know there are wars in the world at any time and you can say that these are the result of this inner war as what we live from the inside cannot kept contained in the body. So in turning it around and connect with the love that lives within instead – so cease fire and stop the inner war – we will naturally express this in the world. And when we all would do that it would definitely stop all the outer wars too. That is the power we all have – the power to stop all the wars in the world by simply choosing to return to the love that we already are.
Yes Richard, no need for anything from anybody as al what we ever would need is already contained within. But too there will be a pull to work together in this energy of love because we then got to see that we have a lot of work to be done.
There is a humbleness felt when we look at a situation that disturbs us, usually that comes from a lack of responsibility that can be deepened as the reflection back to ourselves. So if I react towards a situation where people feel cold and distant, I will commit to bring more warmth from the relationship I build with myself, in fact, I would give myself even more understanding and care so that I can then bring even more connection to my relationships.
This is beautiful, as you not only turn towards yourself but you do so ever so carefully and lovingly.
For me if something is not of truth or love and I don’t express or acknowledge my feelings, there would be a reaction. So if I express then there is no need to react. There is also lots to expose on if there is any need for anyone to be a certain way. I love this article it just feels spacious.
“…So I had the chance to feel even more precisely how much I blame the world, using others as an excuse to not be ME.” – This feels like such a golden nugget of wisdom Stefanie, and goes so much deeper than the usual take of blaming others to not take responsibility for our actions or to not get in trouble for something. But looking at it this way, we can see how we use all kinds of distractions to not feel how amazing we truly are and how we have so much power to positively affect others when we are simply ourselves in full with them.
“Going into ‘right and wrong’ in any way is simply delaying reading the truth of the situation.” I know this one so well, but the more I am willing to read the truth and be open to what is there to be read the less i need or want to blame. The fact is there is no purpose in blame although I do still feel at times that when there is something injust (in my eyes) i can react… it gets me nowhere though!
The other thing about reacting is that it traps me into completely missing the moment of importance; so, I’m reacting about something, investing all sorts of energy and emotions into a specific moment, when actually I should (if I am interested in evolving) be looking at a move I made many steps before that.
And depending on how still or frenetic I am in the lead up to that reaction defines how easily I can see the momentum that I’ve allowed to build. Sometimes the reaction is a gentle nudge that I have settled back into an old way, and others its a train wreck when I’ve built up a head of steam and not been looking after myself at all for days before.
When we see others as “precious gems” then we eliminate comparison and jealousy!
I love the example of the swimming Stefanie and clearly shows how easy it is to go into blaming something outside of ourselves for what and how we feel. It is humbling to start to embrace that our reactions are actually a choice we make and look at why and what we may be avoiding seeing and ‘reading’ (the full picture)…Every one misses out in reaction.
With reaction, we feel a hurt and our immediate re-action is often to lash out at the person who prompted us to feel this way. However, what we’re not taking responsibility for is the fact that the hurt we are feeling is a result of our choices first and all the other person is doing is triggering this sore to rise to the surface. That’s not to excuse the behaviour of another. However, for every blame we want to cast onto another, in truth, any hurt we feel is from our own sword first in terms of not taking our share of the responsibility in whatever prompted us to feel hurt – if we had, we would not have the hurt in our body.
‘No longer do I see people or situations as excuses to react and retreat from my own power, but actually as precious gems that show and reflect to me the areas where I still need to take a deeper look, knowing that I have the choice as to how I move on, and in what quality’ – my whole body feels expanded and lighter after reading your blog, Stefanie, this paragraph in particular, very beautiful and incredibly powerful and supportive. Thank you.
What a beautiful blog Stephanie and such a lesson for us all to learn. Thank you for your candid account and sharing just how easy it is to blame others in order to avoid our own power in a situation. When we are able to take full responsibility for our selves and hence communicate with zero judgment, everyone’s hearts, ears and eyes stay open to the truth.
And often after our reactions, there is guilt and or shame as we feel the negative impact of our reactions on others… it all sets us up in a cycle of more of the same rather than stopping our reactions and asking ourselves ‘what is truly going on here, how do I really feel about this?’ – bringing honesty and self-responsibility to the fore instead.
Reactions are so toxic for us all… after we have calmed down from our reactions we can feel the effect on our bodies – and it is never pleasant… which begs the question, why do we continue with our reactions?
Good on you for exposing the blame game for you and writing about it, which in turns offers us the opportunity to expose it for ourselves. It is a big one and a loving discipline to become aware of it and then start to choose differently. It is humbling for sure.
This is a great blog Stefanie, very simple, short and concise which exposes the blame game and our addiction to the stubbornness of right and wrong. Where we don’t get to learn or evolve and go deeper, because the blame puts up the wall of protection .
What we don’t like to admit to is how addicted to our reactions we actually are for they give us the required ‘high’ needed to justify our contraction away from our true self.
I hadn’t thought of it as an addiction, but on deeper reflection I can see that it is. It is also an addiction to the drama of being made to feel like a victim only it is us doing the ‘made to’ ourselves, not anyone else.
And once we have identified as being ‘the victim’ we get the required high we so hunger for simply because recognition is also an addiction.
This rang true for me and I squirmed a little too as yes I was a reactor of nuclear proportions.
Easier to blame than to take responsibility, a get out of jail free card, though there is a very high price to pay in fact.
Brilliant blog Stefanie, the blame game has been so familiar to me. It is awesome to observe and be aware of when we go into blame but even better to not join this game in the first place. I find what supports me to not react is to stay connected to myself. All my choices prior to an incident can either support me to stay steady and connected or go into a reaction. It all comes back to what energy I am aligned to that either allows me to observe and read a situation or react and fuel the situation.
Love the honesty in this blog. How exposing it is to consider just how much we like to blame others so that we don’t have to take responsibility for our own choices.
It’s as though we are using blame to justify to our selves how we are feeling, so we don’t have to take responsibility and be honest about the fact that the other person is triggering a hurt we already hold deep inside – we have hurt our selves first and this is the root cause of our hurt, not wanting to take responsibility for this fact, without judgment.
To feel justified is like a trophy, a high on the horse of arrogance that allows one to indulge in righteousness and superiority and meanwhile to be ignorant to the underlying hurt one has reacted to and blind to the actual truth and reflection of the situation. Justification is one of our most favourite identifications we hate letting go of.
well exposed Alexander, the justification is like a free pass on all our irresponsible behavior, no wonder we like it so much and do not want to let it go.
Great sharing and it can be the hardest thing to stop and look inwards to see where we are and what our part in any situation is. This is something that I too have been working on and still find different layers to it. What I have noticed is how others respond when we bring back to our part, there becomes a natural openness between each other.
This is really true; a responsible acceptance of one’s own part in something immediately sets a bar of transparency, that I have found others almost invariably are inspired by and which then becomes a platform for the exchange or relationship to then grow and deepen.
I have found this too Nathalie and Otto. When we are willing to look at ourselves we are learning to accept and not judge ourselves. From this openness we can then provide the space for others to look at selves from that same point of view. Very often we defend for not wanting to be wrong, with the lack of judgement there is no need to defend and there is space to simply observe.
I really try to watch myself when interacting with other people, I still react and it is often afterwards I can only notice it. Work in progress…
Same here Alexandre, it is a work in progress for me too and it is often afterward that I realise I was reacting, because once I am in reaction, the energy I was running with just wants to be right and go into blame. Sometimes someone would point out that I am reacting but my spirit would fight seeing this and won’t admit that I was reacting. Afterwards with a huge dose of honesty, clarity kicks in and I am then able to see my reactions so clearly.
A great supportive post Stefanie. I’m learning to look at myself and my part in it all when I want to blame others and am in reaction. Every thing in life can be a reflection for us – and our choices – and an opportunity to evolve.
“No longer do I see people or situations as excuses to react and retreat from my own power, but actually as precious gems that show and reflect to me the areas where I still need to take a deeper look, knowing that I have the choice as to how I move on, and in what quality.” I love this last paragraph. Taking responsibility for our actions and our movements is key.
we can certainly find an excuse to react – that it is our right. But we have to consider the ripple effect of this and taking ourselves out the picture. How we respond or react will have an effect on not just us but many others.
Some of your words have pinged out at me today, particularly ‘humbleness’, as a strength and quality with which to stay open to life’s endless opportunities to learn. Thank you.
Blaming is everywhere! We blame politicians, media, technology, the law, our teachers, speed cameras, the weather, God, traffic…the list goes on and on…but if we are really honest, in every single situation we have had a part to play in this. But what is also interesting is that by blaming or immediately considering an event to be a negative, we are blinding ourselves from an alternate angle that may reveal a much needed and supportive truth for us. Blaming shuts us down from the what there is to be seen.
I have really come to appreciate just how much support is in reading a particular situation, especially if it is a negative one. We are offered reflections all the time as to what we need to work on to grow and evolve and if we can start to see them in this light then blame and resentment start to fall away naturally, as even in the sting of the learning there can still be a deep appreciation for the lesson offered.
It’s all about our daily intention; if our intention is to evolve and learn then we will welcome the ‘stings’, but if our intention is to stay in the comfort of our existence then we will resist and blame rather than be open to feeling the sting. So it all boils down to what we want our day to be; evolutionary or involutionary.
Yes, very well said Otto. I find it is easier to blame others or anything outside of me when I have been blaming myself for things I have done or haven’t done. I realise, if we live with zero blame towards ourselves we are also less like to blame others. It is very interesting to understand how things work, everything links back to how we are with ourselves. So, if we are to resolve world issues, it really has to start with us, looking within and healing ourselves first before we can make a difference to our community and the rest of the world.
There is such a simplicity in this. It makes so much sense to me that everything starts in the home with self and immediate family. If we can work on this, establishing a foundation of self-love and harmonious relationships in the home then what is built upon here is naturally taken out into society, with nothing to fix.
We blame others for the tension we feel because it takes the spotlight off us and what we are responsible for, thereby enabling the comfort we desire to firmly set root and halt our evolution back to Soul.
….for which we then further blame others!
Blame is necessary if we are serious about not evolving, for the moment we do not blame another for what we ourselves have created and we take responsibility for it, we afford ourselves the space to make the necessary adjustments that support our evolution back to who we truly are.
yes agree. Love that angle Otto as whether we take the side of the righteous or victim it leaves no space for the truth of it to be responded to…the perfect excuse we set up. Yet when we take ourselves and our reactions out of the play it brings clarity and a deeper understanding of what is needed. It may not immediately change a situation though we do stop fueling and therefore adding to the disharmony.
A non-reaction is a stop of the momentum, of the circulation energy…a break in the tracks or like when they cut gaps in forests to stop the spreading of wild-fires.
A very humble blog. Thank you for sharing this; it is a discipline that I am really focusing on also – using those moments of potential reaction to turn the mirror on myself and see the opportunity that it offers me to deepen my own honesty. This then becomes a foundation for evolution.
Reactions are definitely a distraction from feeling our own ‘stuff’. And when it comes to who’s right, I think I was a past master of the art of judgement! What I am learning now, in a big way, is to face challenges with what I feel in my body, not what I have in my mind, not letting my ideals and beliefs, my principles by which I think, run my life. When someone close to me makes a choice that is not in line with my thinking, I feel uncomfortable. I try to get my head round it but that doesn’t work because when I express from my head they will always have a counter argument. What I am learning to do therefore is to speak with the absolute authority of my body – what is it that I feel and then only express what I feel.
Lovely sharing Carmel, and I have found the body knows how to communicate with love..
Reaction is a distraction from accepting what is truly happening.
Healing can transform our lives in an instance if we are open and ready for true and lasting change.
Great sharing and insights Stefanie on right, wrong, blaming, reacting, judging others, situations and ourselves.
Life is fascinating when we view everything as reflections for us to learn and grow from… and there are no coincidences, only perfect constellations.
‘No longer do I see people or situations as excuses to react and retreat from my own power, but actually as precious gems that show and reflect to me the areas where I still need to take a deeper look, knowing that I have the choice as to how I move on, and in what quality.’ This is an empowering way to be looking at life and a gem in itself, as from it only growth and evolving can be the end result.
A great observation and beautifully put into action. If we all took this to heart and worked on it the world immediately would become a much more harmonious place. Just one little realisation and then brought to our life full-heartedly moves mountains.
Blaming is a ‘simply a trick to avoid evolving’. This is so true.
An inspiring read Stefanie. Our society is based on right, wrong, winning or loosing, failure or success. A foundation that cannot sustain truth In any situation.
“Going into ‘right and wrong’ in any way is simply delaying reading the truth of the situation. It is a competition with a loser at the end, but does it truly help to take in all there is to learn from it?”
Gorgeous Stefanie and a much needed topic to share about. For most, including myself for the bigger part of this life, reacting is a normal way of being and blaming is a big part of this. You nailed it with stating that blaming is simply avoiding to look at our own part in what is happening.
Choosing the role of the victim means never taking responsibly and when that happens we all miss out.
I was pondering yesterday on exactly what you share here Stefanie. The truth is as soon as we do not hold another in the truth of who they truly are either by judgement, blame or other such stance, we have contributed to the corruption of them into a version of them they are not. We have more responsibility for every one of our actions than most realise.
I love what you are revealing here, that by blaming we jump into the same boat of ‘wrong’ we so despise.
So true Joshua, and also there has to be an element of comparison and jealousy with another otherwise we would see all as equals first!
It’s amazing how much can be deconstructed in just one session. God knows how long you may have held that behaviour too!
A beautiful sharing and learning Stefanie that is very inspiring and so true. Having the right to react is not something to be proud of as it simply causes judgement blame and unease with no evolution or truth. What a great way forward and learning for us all in life bringing true responsibility for ourselves.
It’s a great practice to spot the blame and start to eliminate the excuses for our reactions “When I found the reason to blame the other person I had found the justification I needed for my reaction.”
There are few of us walking the planet that could honestly say they don’t react, I find driving is a good reflection of how I have been living by how much I react about what is going on around me when I drive. There is so much there to read about why certain situations arise and I have to accept my responsibility in all I see and am involved in.
And once I get over the discomfort of realising I am responsible for the situations I find myself in, life becomes properly fascinating and full of opportunities to learn.
Having this relationship with life is actually fun and engaging as everyday life is reflecting something for us–to see, to appreciate to learn and to grow from. Of course it is not always ‘rosey’ though always illuminating.
I love that expression Victoria, “it is not always ‘rosey’ though always illuminating.”
Reaction is part of a movement of reducing life to a point that, everything considered, is insignificant, but that we make the everything. In that context, it is a moment of seeming re-affirmation in which, paradoxically, we leave our being aside. We love going there, even if it causes lots of tension, because it makes life seemingly manageable.
I love the learning you have offered us all here Stefanie as it can be all too easy to blame others for situations rather than taking full responsibility and seing what is there before us, and as you say ‘everything that happens to me is there for me to grow and to learn from’ so no punishments, no blame games, rather returning back to the love that we are.
The blame game in the most insidious game ever and one that so many of us have played, or are still playing. In pointing the finger of blame at someone else we are simply abdicating our responsibility and so not allowing ourselves the opportunity to learn the lesson that is being offered to us. Taking responsibility might be challenging to begin with, but without it any healing has no foundation to support it.
What I am learning from my association with Universal Medicine is just how much I have blamed other people and life in general for the way things are. My attitude was it’s not my fault it’s always someone else’s fault. This I realise is a massive cop-out as I have negated all responsibility and instead pushed it onto others.
Universal Medicine is like going back to school and re-learning how to be in life, how to live in a way that is harmless to myself and all others around me. This means continuously living in a way that grows my understanding of myself and therefore others by bringing decency and respect into everything I do. This has awakened me to realise that we are losing all decency and respect towards each other which is a hateful way to live because everyone suffers.
“Universal Medicine is like going back to school and re-learning how to be in life, how to live in a way that is harmless to myself and all others around me.” What a great way of describing Universal Medicine and what it presents is what should be taught in every school and home in the world.
Stefanie, this is really helpful to read; ‘I was pointing the finger at the outside world instead of looking at why this was happening to me and looking at my own contributing behaviour.’ I can feel that it is so easy to blame others and be in judgement rather than reading what we are being reflected and why.
Stefanie, this is really interesting; ‘just one percent judgement in a statement can cause a disturbance in the other person, as everyone feels everything.’ Reading this I can feel that if we are in judgement of others then we think this is hidden and that the other person does not know, when in fact we are all sensitive beings and as you say we can feel everything.
Thank you Stefanie, my response to your writing is to learn and evolve from your experience.
Recently I have deepened my awareness when I react. I can feel the reaction within me and observe it. I stay with it getting a sense of the energy trying to get me to lash out at another but I can’t because I can feel and sense the bigger picture. When energy is called out or exposed exactly for what it is, it very gently diminishes and then no longer has a hold on us.
How lovely to feel the precious gems that show and reflect to us the areas that still need deeper insight for our choices and learning. This is so much more powerful and empowering than any reactions.
Truth is one-unified, and no one has a monopoly over it. There is something about being right that is to do with our positioning of ourselves that screws up this allocation and introduces separation.
Even when we express the truth and it causes another to react, without having any ownership in the discussion, we both have the opportunity to learn from the exchange.
Talking about own experience without referring to others – that, I have to try – especially the challenging, confronting, uncomfortable ones.
I can relate to this Stephanie as I used blaming others a lot too and true when we use this ‘blaming another person’ it is very likely we will end up in an argument and it becomes a ‘you are wrong and I am right’ situation which most of the times left me very frustrated. My number one reaction to go to! It is all about wanting people/situations in life to be different instead of accepting what is there and reading what is truly going on but I do have a choice to feel into it every time and learn from it and that’s my choice.
There’s no evolution in winning and yet we’re all so desperate to win something, even an argument.
A stunning blog and on a topic that’s been so in my face recently. A devious subversion of this insidious game is the way we can end up blaming ourselves. There truly is no responsibility or love in blame – full stop.
In mastering the blame game we are very dishonest about the way we live our lives, so much so that we may not even be aware that we blame others for the way things have occured.
It can sometimes feel overwhelmed when a situation is challenging and other people are involved. I have had many moments myself where it felt like I would never be able to not be affected by a situation, and still do at times. But this is not true, we can actually learn to be in these situations and be ourselves and one thing I found supportive is to see what my part in it is, why I created the feeling of being impacted by others so much so that I felt like I could not be myself. So it is in my hands to change and look at my need to feel less or affected by others.
This is a beautiful blog. And worth reading from day to day, to reflect more, where I am reacting, why and how in the slightest detail.
I know for myself that moment of satisfaction to be right and that I have the right to speak up- I often felt, I would now describe, as a false sense of power at that moment. In the end loosing a state of balance and settlement in my body which is leading nowhere, but also to a disconnection with the other person.
Blaming is a very ugly bullying energy and it is always about us. However we should not blame ourselves either but bring honesty, observation, understanding and awareness to the situation.
!! So true – don’t get caught in the trap of blaming ourselves for blaming; which is just as non-responsibility-taking as blaming others. Judgement of self is a total cop out allowing us to wallow in the woe-is-me. I have often done this and it takes a real commitment to rise above and out of it and then move with the commitment to change my choices.
Yes indeed it always starts with us. If we truly loved ourselves we would love all others. If we blame ourselves we blame others. If we judge ourselves we judge others. If we appreciate ourselves we appreciate other and so on and so forth – so simple!!
Very true Nicola, blaming ourselves is incredibly detrimental and abusive to our health and well being. Wallowing in self-blame is nothing but an avoidance to commit and take responsibility in life.
Certainly seems to be lame to blame.
The blame game – I know it well and as you so correctly say Stefanie it is a great way to avoid responsibility for oneself. The other thing that I feel about blame is that it becomes like an addiction because we get high on the relief of not taking responsibility.
Or, I could express it a bit differently; once you get a taste for blaming then it’s almost like it feels easier to keep blaming. It’s like lying (same thing) in that once you’ve told one, you have to keep telling more to maintain the story.
When we play the Blame Game we slam the door on ourselves, whilst simultaneously slamming the door on another.
The blame game, what a tournament. If played one that has no end and no winner as the ‘win’ is an illusion.