Blowing in the Wind

All my life I have been blowing in the wind, bending this way and that, adapting to my environment, trying to establish a control over all my relationships so that I wouldn’t get hurt. At school when I was teased I pretended I was OK, I was tough, I didn’t need anyone and shut everyone out. I tried to be ‘good’ and not upset any of the teachers.

When I left school and went to University I struggled with the course; it took me four years with re-sits to get the three year degree but I laughed it off and pretended I was having a great time.

When I went into a career, with every job I adapted to what I thought I needed to be at work as an employee, and as a manager.

When I was married I tried to get it right at home as a wife, with friends as a friend and then with the children as a mother.

By the time I got divorced I was miserable and hugely overweight, so I lived on my own for five years and worked on my Livingness, refining the food I ate and slowly the weight dropped off and I was back to my ‘normal’ slim self, thinking I had left my old life behind.

I was thrilled when a new man came into my life and looked forward to our new life together. Only 18 months into the relationship I was back to being overweight and miserable inside. Only 10kgs this time but enough to know that something was still wrong.

On reflection I could see that once again I had given my power away, adapting everything I did to fit in with what I thought was wanted, despite being told to just be myself. Somehow it felt like I couldn’t get anything right and the constant barrage of what I took as criticism slowly wore me down because I silently accepted everything for the sake of the relationship.

The hurt, the pain and the overwhelm I experienced was huge when I realised that I had repeated the same old pattern and set myself up for another failed relationship… and all because I did not fully express who I was at any moment in time.

Some of us tolerate abuse without question, sometimes without even realising it is abuse and then once we do it is sometimes too late because we have allowed resentment to build up. We then react to everything, which offers little opportunity for a reconciliation because we have let things get so bad it feels like the relationship is beyond repair.

That is how the world is too, on the macro scale. We have let corruption, jealousy, greed, competition and comparison get to such a high level we feel unable to stop it. We are being railroaded by systems that do not truly care for the people they are supposed to be supporting.

Q: How can we prevent more harm happening in the future on the micro as well as the macro scale?

A: By speaking up. By calling out wherever we feel there is abuse and by honouring what we feel in our bodies and expressing it regardless of the outcome.

We have been so conditioned throughout the centuries by abuse, torture and death that somewhere deeply embedded in our psyche is the belief that speaking out is dangerous to our survival so we clam up. Evil continues because we say nothing. This has to stop if the world is going to change.

The world’s change begins with the self when we individually choose to not accept self-abuse and to stop being so accommodating with others, no longer ‘blowing in the wind’ but calling out anything we can feel in our bodies that is not love.

By Anonymous

Related Reading:
My understanding of abuse
From self-abuse – to self-care
How to truly express yourself

522 thoughts on “Blowing in the Wind

  1. ‘We are being railroaded by systems that do not truly care for the people they are supposed to be supporting.’
    I work in such systems and I see people trying to make the system work or give up caring or be in reaction. I do all three but I am starting to admit the system is caput. This means I no longer worry about it not working and I no longer react to it not delivering, I know it doesn’t. But I’m not left given up, I see what I can bring through to everyone I meet and this is empowering.

    1. Yes we know what is true but what prevents us from claiming it? Whilst I recognise that standing for the truth is more than incredibly important, I need to bring understanding to those hurts that have been the foundation of the wishy washy. When I get honest and feel deeply what is going on for me I can nominate and clear the patterns that I have used to hold me back, making my knowing of the truth my claiming of it.

  2. When we sit in the back seat of the car and abdicate responsibility for where we go in life and what we do, resentment builds about the constant compromising we are having to do. It is far easier to blame another, or be a victim of circumstance but far more empowering to take stock and consider the choices we are making in every moment. Time to take the driving seat perhaps?

    1. Such an awesome analogy. If I apply it to my life and how I feel it’s spot on. So there I am in the back seat of the car being driven places I do not want to go to! I’m either shouting turn around, or wrong way; or I’m ending up in places feeling sorry for myself or blaming and lamenting about having a hard or terrible life. The rut of emotions entailed with this range from frustration, bitterness, self fury for allowing this to happen, helplessness, giving up on myself and life, anger, hurt, sadness, regret, the list can continue.

      I love the analogy because I get to see so clearly all that happens when I hand over the driving to anything other than me driving from my inner knowing. (Examples are like trying to be more like someone else or even something like letting in energy so that I’m not feeling totally with it). Whatever place I find myself in if I have let go of the wheel I simply need to come back to myself.

    2. This is great Lucy and I can certainly relate to the inner resentment and compromise. In my case blowing in the wind has been the outplay of a deep seated lack of self-worth that has had a pernicious hold over the choices I have been making today. I have dealt with many layers of this and they still keep coming! I will eventually hit the root of it, but taking the time and responsibility to be honest with each layer, to feel them and heal them I am building a foundation that in time will become much deeper – very much in the driving seat of the quality I consciously say yes to.

  3. Is it possible that we want to see only what we want to see and disregard the rest, we disregard the truth. Until it is so in our face that it cannot be ignored, even then we try to ignore it. I know I have done this so many times turning myself inside out in a vain attempt to keep the peace; only it builds up such resentment that looking back I wonder why on earth I put up with such self inflicted abuse. I feel having pictures or investments of how something should be is one of our greatest downfalls.

  4. Yes if we say how we feel, stand for what is true, do not give our power away and love ourselves deeply then of course this will have a ripple affect on the world which is much needed.

  5. There is just so much abuse in the world in one form or another that we must all start to call it out for what it is and stand up for truth, for if we don’t the consequences will be unfathomable.

  6. At the time, it’s not pleasant feeling my hurts but actually when I do I also feel the love we are all held in all of the time. A great understanding opens up of all parties involved and I can move more freely in life unweighted by protection from those hurts I’ve released. Love is then free to emanate.

  7. I experienced many times how not having a relationship is a time of deepening with ourselves but does not per se mean that we have dealt with our issues in relationships. Therefore it is so great to be in all parts of life so we can see where we still can learn to be ourselves, whatever is going on around us without being controlling.

    1. Yes, and when we stay connected to ourselves we take responsibility for the choices we are making in every moment and therefore, the consequences. If you don’t know who you are and don’t live in a way that consciously chooses to stay in connection to your self, and don’t value taking a moment to consider if what you are about to do you really want to do, then you are more likely to be swayed to do things you may not have wanted to do in the first place.

      1. ‘Silently accepting everything for the sake of the relationship’ is something I vowed I’d never do. But I did it in other ways like if someone asked for help I couldn’t say no, or if I did I’d feel so ‘bad’ whilst also feeling resentful if I did help out. There was a huge sadness at neglecting myself for others.

        What I’m learning is to look after myself and support where it’s needed. It’s not always possible because I have abused myself in the pursuit of being validated as worthwhile and then I have to be loving with myself and say someone else can step in instead. With close relatives this is a work in progress.

  8. Someone once shared with me that I could try being like a reed… super firmly rooted but able to flow in the stream. This supported me to relinquish control and deepen my relationship with truth (the roots).

  9. In every moment we express how we feel we give ourselves permission to do so and the more we do it the easier it becomes regardless of the outcome. It is learning to appreciate our every step on the way.

  10. I have come to the realisation that the only way we can leave our ‘old life’ behind is if we heal the hurts that bind us and keep us locked down. To me this requires a large dose of honesty to be able to admit that we have stuffed up and can forgive ourselves for the mistakes we have made. It reminds me of a toddler learning to walk, they fall down and then get back up and go again.

  11. ‘Evil continues because we say nothing. This has to stop if the world is going to change.’ Very true. I have been blowing in the wind much of my life. Speaking up is something that does scare me but then I am speaking up coming first from the honesty with myself that hey, something doesn’t feel ok and not ignoring this.

  12. Often when we say something that needs to be said, everyone around breathless a sigh of relief that it has been expressed, and they were all waiting for someone to start the conversation.

    1. Yes I agree and I know it the other way around too. When someone speaks up, it is often what I have been thinking and I really appreciate the opportunity for more openness, transparency and honesty.

  13. What has been shared here is huge and affects both men and women, as many of us have been brought up to be seen and not heard and that what we have to say holds no value what so ever. It is this lack of expression that leads to all the frustration of not being heard and so swallowing our words are just as bad having the conversation in our head instead. Learning to let go of all these ideals and beliefs that we have saturated ourselves in takes a bit of time; but so worth the effort in the end.

  14. It’s supportive to say things that need to be said (that may be perceived as uncomfortable) in a loving, holding way. If expression is felt as a truth and an offered advance because the person is loved and cared about it can be received completely differently. The point is even if something is direct it doesn’t have to be aggressive or confrontational.

    1. very cool .. and makes sense, for if we start to honour ourselves and express what we feel then why on earth would we suddenly not want to do this!! Expressing how we feel then becomes the normal. Of course there is a way to express how we feel as well i.e. respecting ourselves and the other/s and holding both in love to our best ability while doing so because as we know if we express in judgement, fear, anger, hate, jealousy this has a detrimental effect on our body and of course isn’t lovely for the other person to receive! 😶❤️

  15. “By speaking up. By calling out wherever we feel there is abuse and by honouring what we feel in our bodies and expressing it regardless of the outcome.” A great way to respond to abuse, whether its directed at ourselves or to others. By staying silent we are enabling.

    1. When we call out abuse we are saying that we are worth more but we are also giving ourselves permission to let go of it. When we don’t call it out it stays in the body and continues to hurt us.

    2. Yes and this takes practice, just like walking, we get bumped into things and we may fall over but the willingness to value our own voice makes the learning process a solid foundation upon which we stand.

      1. Yes, I’m coming out of the straight jacket I once wore which said I had to please people so I wouldn’t get attacked. A foundation of love is far more powerful than any unplesant attention.

  16. ” The world’s change begins with the self when we individually choose to not accept self-abuse ”
    This is true, to bring the world to its truth one must live the truth of their essence so others know their true essence.

  17. I love the flow I am letting into my life, hanging up my control and micro management grip, realising that this does not mean blowing around in the wind but actually that deeply anchored in what I feel and my body tells me is true, I can let things unfold ready for whatever is needed. Much to develop here.

    1. I love what you are sharing here. We are not being airy fairy or nebulous when we are truly living in the moment and listening to the body. Letting go of pictures and investment in outcomes certainly helps to appreciate the authenticity of what the body is communicating.

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