You calmly reach into your jacket or maybe even the glove box of your car for your wallet, only to find it mysteriously missing, even though you could swear that you put it in that exact spot after the last time you used it. “No big deal, it must be in my other jeans inside the house,” you say to yourself, albeit in a self-convincing manner that already feels to be one that is losing confidence… rapidly. Before you know it, you are desperately looking in every nook and cranny of the house, ripping through drawers, cabinets and closets until the whole place looks like it has just been through an FBI drug raid! Continue reading “OMG! Where’s My Wallet?”
I’ve never considered myself to be reckless. Even as a teenager I was the one who always ‘looked before I leapt’. However, I did not live a cotton wool-padded life. As a mid-baby boomer with two working parents I grew up with bare feet, no bike helmet, no sunblock, lots of sharp objects, bare electricals, toxic and explosive stuff hanging around accessibly, and deadly plants and spiders in the garden. Also, I had plenty of unsupervised freedom to roam the neighbourhood and the local forests, creeks and storm drains. Many other kids suffered breaks, lacerations, concussions and other injuries due to recklessness. But, me, not so much. With enormous energy and zest for life, I ran, jumped, climbed, rode, splashed, explored, poked and prodded to my heart’s content, but quite consciously and aware of my body, movements and surroundings. Continue reading “The Scale of Recklessness”
While driving the other day I noticed a car way behind me, swerving in and out of traffic, passing everyone in a hurried way, apparently without time to even use his turn signals. He zoomed right up behind me, so close I couldn’t even see his bumper in my rear-view mirror, and proceeded to rocket past in the left lane and quickly accelerated into the distance. Continue reading “Rushing, But Going Nowhere”
What if life did not have to be a struggle, but could instead flow in a harmonious way without the usual fight for survival against all the things we feel are not right in the world?
I recently came to the above conclusion after what felt like lifetimes of fighting all those aspects of society that seemed corrupt, cruel and abusive in any way and trying to save everyone that I felt was calling out for help. Having always been the one to be in reaction to things like parents yelling at their kids in the grocery store or calling out a manager at work for speaking in an abusive and disrespectful way, I took it upon myself to be the ‘warrior of truth.’ It felt like it was my responsibility to save other people from the cruelty of the world and fix all their problems as if they were my responsibility. Continue reading “No Reason to Fight”
As I have been connecting with greater depth and awareness to my body, I can feel the shifts and the changes – the delicate and powerful way that each moment impacts upon the next. This has been an ongoing relationship for me since my mid-forties and one that has been forever unfolding. Continue reading “Is my Body the Microcosm of the Macrocosm that is the Universe?”
All my life I have been blowing in the wind, bending this way and that, adapting to my environment, trying to establish a control over all my relationships so that I wouldn’t get hurt. At school when I was teased I pretended I was OK, I was tough, I didn’t need anyone and shut everyone out. I tried to be ‘good’ and not upset any of the teachers.
Recently I fell into a whole self–created story around my worth and my competence in relation to my work as a nurse. This happened because I assumed something and reacted.
I used to consider abuse as something that wasn’t part of my life. I saw it in the news, films and read about it in papers. Abuse to me was extreme: extreme cases of violence, beheadings, bombings, attacks, rapes, fighting, shootings, stabbings, war, domestic violence, shouting, swearing and attacking people, someone physically self-harming or cutting themselves. Never once did I consider that abuse – which we all normalise and make okay, which we turn a blind eye to daily – is in all our lives.
We have all experienced anxiety at some point in life, some more than others. It can be a debilitating condition that creates stress and affects us in many ways; in our ability to relate, to work effectively and to be in the world in a confident and calm way. I know the times in the past when I have experienced anxiety I have felt overwhelmed and powerless, unable to feel clear or be at ease with myself.
I recall experiencing panic attacks and anxiety so badly at times that I felt I would be unable to leave home for fear of not being able to handle the situations or people that I would run into. I felt totally immobilised and would start to get hot sweats, feeling like I couldn’t function properly if I saw anyone I knew, and if I did speak with them my face would go bright red making me feel even more anxious, compounding the stress I was already feeling.
Love was always an important subject in my life, because I’ve been missing it so much. I’ve always been a bit shy and I had no circle of friends like everyone else around me seemed to have. I thought I was just not fitting in, too boring for others to be interested in me, so I gave up trying and settled for isolating myself more and more. I can see now how I got trapped in a mindset of anger, blame and judgement.
First, I blamed my parents for my perceived inadequacy – wasn’t it their genes and the way they brought me up that had produced this lacking person that I was? Then I blamed everybody else for not loving and liking me as I was – turning it all around. Now something was wrong with the world, not with me, and I could feel angry instead of sad. Finally, I blamed God for creating this whole mess where there is this good but helpless me, surrounded by a loveless, hard world. Continue reading “Love is so Much More than I Thought it Was”