Control or Connection: It’s a Choice

The Oxford Dictionary describes Control as “the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.” For me this goes very light on addressing and describing Control and almost presents a level of acceptability of its place in the world.

My personal description of ‘control’ suggests that it is something we feel rather than using logic.

In my own experiences I have felt control was like an invisible hand around my throat: it comes across as a threat even if the words do not indicate it as such, it suggests non-compliance has penalties, it’s a squashing of who I am, it demands I be submissive, it’s manipulative, it’s a secret game where the rules are known but never spoken, it uses fear and intimidates, and it creates self-doubt to thwart truth. In essence, controlling behavior makes my skin crawl.

I grew up in a household where I was controlled by the continuous threat and actualization of violence, perhaps the ultimate control. It is here that I first learned to be submissive and compliant. Speaking up about how I was feeling or what was truly going on came with a punishment, and it became clear to me that staying silent was the way to go.

After 18 years of living in this environment and by then incredibly angry as a person (although smothered with ‘nice’), I discovered that control continued in the workplace and into my relationships – there always seemed to be somebody there, waiting to control.

I learned to keep myself small and I became withdrawn, sad and depressed. I can now say that this way of being was a form of protection because it emitted the energy of “please don’t come near me because I have been hurt by others.”

It was a way I could control others to feel sorry for me, and in that they would not be cruel and then I would feel OK. This is not to say that the many things that have happened in my life have not been utterly atrocious, and I will never condone them, but whilst I was in sympathy with myself, I was failing to acknowledge just how irresponsible I was being with other people, and the harm that I was causing by being controlling and abrasive myself.

Of course, nobody can really control me – I am only controlled when I allow myself to be controlled – and with this I began to wonder if there is some payoff for playing this sinister game, which of course, there is.

The payoff for me was to be liked and accepted by others, so I overlooked another’s controlling ways and learned how to work around them in my own controlling way. This meant that I always had family, a friend or a partner – someone to give the impression that I was cared about and that I belonged. I opted for something far less than love.

– Control at Work –

In the organisation where I work, the environment is one of extreme control. The whole organizational structure is built around control with complex policy to keep the mind busy jumping through hoops, administering strict procedures and protocol, and controlling what can be said and how people behave.

Lately in my own team we opened up a conversation about control, and most people admitted to being controlling when workloads get out of control. Stress is a good indicator that we will turn to control as a means of getting by – controlling in our work and controlling people.

I have partaken in the game of control myself, where I have placed more importance on outcomes than people. For instance, I know that there have been times where I have wanted to get something approved at work, but I knew that the other person would not approve it if they felt that I wanted it too much or if the idea did not come from them.

I played to their arrogance and purposely dulled myself down by making myself submissive, small and even unintelligent, so that others felt important. And yet selling out like this was no different to those who I may have accused as controlling… it’s on the same scale and it comes from the same place.

Many years ago I was given a role in the organisation for 12 months which had a higher level of positional power. There was something so tantalising about power and the chance for recognition, particularly when you have spent a lifetime feeling suppressed. I became arrogant, self-important and demanding. By the time I left the role I was afraid of myself.

 – A Bitter Pill to Swallow –

Instead of addressing issues at work around control or abuse, generally I would bring it home and control my family. I became caught up in getting things I wanted, and in how and when I wanted them done. None of this was about love.

This realisation was a bitter pill to swallow, but it was enough for me to make immediate changes in the home. I started by allowing time when I arrived home from work to process the day, by having a bath or going for a walk. This alone was powerful as it allowed me to come back to myself, where I was connected, not controlling.

My relationship with my child became more intimate, open and playful and we talked about some really difficult topics with absolute honesty. What a relief it must have been for my child to feel a deeper connection that allowed him to express with his mum.

Removing control from the home had the added effect of sending the issue back to the place where it should have been addressed in the first place – the workplace or the person with whom the tension was initially felt.

It was time to start talking things through and not holding back from expressing myself in the moment that the control was felt.

– Reclaiming the Power Within –

The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself.

As love became my new foundation, it unleashed a power within, a true power, with absolute responsibility not to harm, nor to play the game of compliance. This true power comes from honouring oneself, re-connecting to love, speaking Truth and trusting without any doubt what I feel in each and every moment.

It no longer mattered to me if another admitted to the issue or not, it was just about responding to the situation and providing an opportunity to express myself and deepen my relationships.

I observed how expressing from the power within was exposing for those who felt secure that our arrangement would never expose the truth. There were times when people appeared uncomfortable, but I was committed to making life about love and about truth and from there everything changed.

I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.

If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.

Living in a way that honours our connection can give obstacles a new perspective: there is space to achieve whatever needs to be achieved, we express lovingly and truthfully, we stop looking for recognition and our drive for an outcome is a thing of the past. We can then read the behaviour of others around us and bring a deeper understanding as to what is really happening in any given situation.

Re-Connection – that’s the answer, and that’s my choice.

Thank you to Serge Benhayon for reminding me of the love that I am.

by MAS

Further reading:
Learning to Let Go of Control Over Life to Being Open to People
Love
First Time Mum: Realising Control is just too much Hard Work

1,048 thoughts on “Control or Connection: It’s a Choice

  1. If we can simply learn to tell the difference between when we are controlling something, to when we are open and responsive… that is all it takes. As we develop this sensitivity, then we can respond when the control kicks in, in whatever way feels appropriate (without having to control it or have a plan!).

  2. With control comes complication and dis-ease in the body, we tend to rule from our heads and miss out on connecting to others in a true way. Surrender is the opposite of control and can bring an acceptance of the ‘what is’, it is a beautiful way to move through life with this simplicity and flow.

  3. Control is not just choking the person on the receiving end of it, it brings immense contraction and brutal force to the instigator’s body and their movements; it perpetuates and just thinks it needs controlling until enough is enough and the healing can begin.

    1. Well said Gabriele, Control is a repression of the instigator, as we can only instigate that what we have first done to ourselves.

  4. ‘I overlooked another’s controlling ways and learned how to work around them in my own controlling way’ This is a great example of how control gets in and wins the day. However, as you have shown, it doesn’t have to be like that ‘If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.’ This requires commitment and dedication on our part but not to any outside party, rules or regulations, ideals or beliefs, but to ourselves. Purely to ourselves and what we feel from within our bodies.

    1. And who are we controlled by? The energy that ran through our parents, our teachers at school, our peers, what we observe as successful? Either way its not an energy that comes from our essence..

  5. What I can feel from control is how there’s much unexpressed communication in our interaction when we operate from the place of needs and hurts, holding expectations, desiring a certain outcome, and it acts like a very fine invisible thread that leaves a cut if we touch it in a wrong way, and we feel this as the one controlling as well as the one being controlled. Whichever side we stand on, we are playing the same game. There is an attraction in remaining dishonest and non-transparent, we think we can dodge our responsibility.

  6. “Stress is a good indicator that we will turn to control as a means of getting by – controlling in our work and controlling people.” This is very true MAS. I find that there is an automatic pilot of control that I go into when I get stressed and I find that I do especially when my work gets busy. I feel its best just to be honest with ourselves at these times for trying to change how we are just makes more stress. Just being honest and observing and nominating that which we are observing is the best policy.

    1. Yes, stress is where we go back to what we know has worked in the past – so that may be that in a dark room we turn the light on. Surrendering in those moments has been a process of asking if that is the best solution – just because it has worked in the past perhaps the fact that it is always my ‘solution’ is the reason the stress keeps happening. I am learning to surrender and ask my body what is called for in that moment.

    2. Bringing in reading of the situation, and so understanding is also supportive, ‘ We can then read the behaviour of others around us and bring a deeper understanding as to what is really happening in any given situation.’

    1. Spot on Kathleen and thus this is exposing to see and feel how much of our lives we can live from our hurts rather than being open and loving.

  7. I really relate to your point about taking issues home. I can tend to do this and let this build up and they have a not so nice outplay a few days later. But I appreciate you sharing how you have worked on and developed this – and allowed space for your family. I know if I come home and go for a gentle walk or debrief on the day in a loving way, then it is a very different experience for all.

  8. ‘If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.’ This is gold MAS, and the more we understand and live this all our movements become more aligned to love and truth.

  9. Control is the opposite of surrendering.
    We as humans avoid to surrender. When we do so we Will feel the love and realize to let go of what we do not need anymore And never needed.

  10. When I think I am in control I am becoming more and more aware that that is when I am actually being controlling.

  11. There is so much in this blog that I can relate to. I too grew up in a family where the constant threat of violence, and the power that brings, made me realise that making yourself a small target was the best way to survive. At 17, I joined the military, again my life was all about being controlled. As I rose through the ranks, I too fell into the the illusion of recognition and self importance. Misusing power became a way of life, so much so, that I tried to control my family in the same way that I was controlled as a child. I’ve come to realise just how difficult it is to let go of control. Only recently Ive come to the realisation that control just doesn’t work, you’re simply cutting yourself off from connecting to the love in yourself and others.

    1. Control is a veritable stranglehold that engulfs not only the recipient but the instigator just as much; control is a force that jeopardises our physical and mental health severely and this will one day be recognised and taken for the fact that it is. We can all feel it, but as with so many things, we choose to wait until science can ‘prove’ it to us.

  12. “I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another”. We really have misinterpreted power as control over others, rather than staying connected to the natural power we have within us which would never impose, it just remains true.

  13. Having control of life or control in life is seen as something that is desirable, especially when we are in situations when we may depend on others for even our basic needs. This is deemed as losing control. Just maybe this is not as bad as we think it is. Maybe its even needed so that we learn that control is not the way. When we need people to support us in even the most basic of ways, it shows us how interdependent we are. But its more than someone doing something for us. Everything we live, breath, say, think and move matters. It not only has an effect on ourselves but everyone. When we are in control we remain self contained and choose not to see the wider ramifications of all of our choices. When we chose to let go of control, we become much more open to the wider world and understand the deeper reasons for everything that occurs. We are not in a bubble, even though we may like to like we are.

    1. I am starting to understand what you are sharing here about how much we miss out on what there is to understand about situations when we choose to see it from one angle, believing we have the solution or the answer.

  14. I think worse than control is manipulation, I’ve noticed recently how often I manipulate situations or use people to get what I want or need, and it also stems from a disconnection from myself and also an unwillingness to do my part, ie to completely love and cherish myself, so I’m using others to get it. But once we clock these things we can make the call that this stops now, and rebuild a new way forwards based on integrity, quality and responsibility.

  15. There is so much to digest here, that we can be in sympathy with ourselves and in doing so we don’t address the issue at hand, that we ourselves play a part in allowing control and of course in being controlling, and the biggest one that if we come back to living in connection with us and our bodies we allow a space for observation, for response and we allow our basis to be about living and expressing the love we are.

  16. The need for control is coming from the need to be safe. The irony is that trying to control life and ourselves is exactly what is keeping us from the only true safe place we can be: in connection with ourselves and the love that we are.

  17. ‘I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.’
    Great, I agree: we always have a choice.

  18. ‘As love became my new foundation, it unleashed a power within, a true power, with absolute responsibility not to harm, nor to play the game of compliance.’ It is amazing how much changes when we have the willingness to see our own part in a situation and take responsibility for it. The power of love is beyond our imagination.

  19. Control: “it suggests non-compliance has penalties, it’s a squashing of who I am,” This is the effect of control whether it comes from another or from ourselves.

  20. Love your title: ‘Control or Connection: It’s a Choice’. The choice to which source of energy we align, our soul we go for reconnection and truth and our spirit loves everything that control brings: all the motion, emotion, being a victim or the perpetrator.

  21. If we really stopped and pondered on control we would come to understand that most of us are in control most of the time. In slowly stepping out of this I can feel the importance of living a rhythm to life that’s supportive. This provides a foundation to life that really does allow us to live in a flow rather than a self imposed controlled like structure.

  22. “If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.” To honour oneself is to surrender to the wisdom shared by the body and to then feel the palpable difference of our movements made. When we move from our heads we cut off the one vital relationship we hold and that is the truth first felt from the body and then expressed from the vehicle in which we reside.

  23. ‘There were times when people appeared uncomfortable, but I was committed to making life about love and about truth and from there everything changed.’ This is what keeps us out of the control game: true love.

  24. There are many layers of being controlling. Looking at how I am controlling with myself ( which means trying to be controlling of others as well) is about in one way preventing reactions…If I am this way then I will avoid that situation or reaction from others. Its like we are pre-reading what an outcome would be so we build up our protective forces to avoid it. It takes a while to chip away at our control barrier or wall. For we build it as a fortress. Its interesting that we go down the path of control for we know that controlling does not work, but we still do it anyway. We are not controlling we are cutting ourselves of from our own connection and communication to God. We also cut ourselves off from another, which is the reflection for us to learn from.

  25. Control can be exerted in many ways from pretty blunt to subtle. Obviously if we are confronted by a heavy duty blunt control for a long part of our upbringings, this puts us to choose whether we say yes (again) to it and practice it (again) or say no; this does not serve anyone. Life puts you in situation where you can renounce a way we are deeply familiar with.

  26. ‘The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself’ I love this and as has been suggested in the comments, to take away control can leave us feeling quite sensitive and without the usual protection so deep and tender love for ourselves is essential.

  27. Trying to control life and other people is not only forceful and very dishonouring, a form of abuse if truth be told, it is also exhausting and brings complications that further exhaust and drain us.

    1. It is very abusive of life and people to try to control them, there isn’t a shred of our essence in trying to control, no wonder it feels so horrible in the body.

  28. ‘I overlooked another’s controlling ways and learned how to work around them in my own controlling way.’ And that’s the crux of how we often are with control and it begets more and addresses nought. When we choose to reconnect and feel, to give ourselves the space to read, we begin something different a new way, one which allows for something beyond control, a letting go of us, of an expectation or a way – we grow, we become more of us.

  29. Letting go of control can be a very sensitive process. Usually we’ve developed a controlling response as a result of feeling traumatised and out of control in our lives. Lots of TLC for oneself is required!

  30. How many of us have tight forearms as a result of our will to control, our wanting to grip and steer people and life and things and events? Working with this aspect alone can be illuminating when it comes to understanding control.

  31. What a great article to share and this, “This true power comes from honouring oneself, re-connecting to love, speaking Truth and trusting without any doubt what I feel in each and every moment.” It all comes back to us and how we are and what we choose in any given moment. It’s like I knew this and yet reading this article again has bought me back to it again. I love that things can be like this in that we have a true choice that then changes the way the world will look. So often I have sat back in life and felt things out of control and look then to dominate life and yet this was a point that was to be surrendered to and not reacted to. To truly feel each moment is the key and in that there is a connection to the flow of life that opens up to a larger world of possibilities.

  32. I have recently felt a huge reduction in control after participating in the Esoteric Yoga Stillness Program for Women. The theme for the 6 week program was surrender and it’s supported me in so many ways to get to know and understand my being and body better, and to be in that inward movement of surrender instead of protection and control.

  33. It is interesting to consider how control invariably comes after hurt, and how the two are never far apart or separate from each other. Which is beautiful in a way, because this means that if one desires to be free from the oppressive control of another or from themself, all that is needed is to move accordingly so that hurts may be healed. And this may involve seeking the help of a qualified and accredited esoteric healing practitioner, who understands energetic integrity and lives this to the core, or it may simply mean taking oneself off for walks with the intention to see and feel what blocks there may be and to be willing to clear them. All the same, it is the return to soul that counts, where there is no control, hurt, or manipulations.

  34. Great awareness of what we do or did to get by, the games we all play, ‘The payoff for me was to be liked and accepted by others, so I overlooked another’s controlling ways and learned how to work around them in my own controlling way.’ I love your honesty and nominating what is not love.

  35. I like it, from controlling to connected, by simply having some me time after work, this maybe a bath, or a walk, but what a difference it made.

  36. ‘The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself’, yep when we add a good dose of this ingredient into our life, life becomes so much easier, more joyful, playful and sweeter.. and no sugar is needed!

  37. So apt to read this today and it’s telling that control is defined so casually, almost innocently in the dictionary. It’s far from this, it’s bullying and manipulation and our dictionary definition shows how far we’ve gone from the truth of what we know control is, and how much we can use words to hide.

  38. “If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.” Re-connecting to the body is re-connecting to the divine wisdom within and what unfolds from there is a surrender to the flow and simplicity of the all. Thank you M.A.S.

  39. It has become so obvious over the years that in situations, both at home and in our lives, when there is “more importance on outcomes than people” what unfolds is often not what the planners had hoped for. You can only ignore the importance of people for so long and in any business or family people are the true foundation; ignore the people or try to control them for too long and there will be a ‘revolution’ of some kind.

  40. True, you can always choose the quality of energy you live, ‘If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.’

  41. A deep and tender love for oneself does bring about all sorts of changes, ‘This true power comes from honouring oneself, re-connecting to love, speaking Truth and trusting without any doubt what I feel in each and every moment.’

  42. I don’t mind reading the written meanings to words as it always brings with it more understanding. The thing I am aware of though is that the meanings have been written by us, by people and I always now consider how the person that came to that meaning lived. Were they aware of what was going on around them or did they see the meaning of words as merely a job to do. If we look back across history the way we look at words and share them has changed dramatically. Some may say we have clearer meanings of words and that maybe true for now for them but I see a watering down of the true meaning of words. For me words without the living of what they mean are just something written on a page or spoken. Like ‘love’ for example, tell someone you love them and it can be a nice thing to say, live the love you know yourself to truly be and share all of that with them and they can not but feel love.It may sound the same but the two feel completely different.

  43. Interestingly I grew up in a similar environment to you MAS, where the threat and use of violence encouraged me to be submissive and compliant but in my mind I would be expressing exactly how I felt and would get extremely upset, angry and frustrated at not being allowed any say. I felt they were the only choices open to me and so I became disconnected to myself and life. Meeting Serge Benhayon has had such a positive impact on my life as through his support and understanding coupled with the practitioners of Universal Medicine, I was able to look at my part in the games I was playing with myself and others and put a stop to them. There is a game being played out in humanity and for most of us we are unaware that we are being played with and manipulated, as we like to think we are in charge of our destiny. The big wake up call is we are not in charge of anything, we just think we are to the detriment of who we truly are.

  44. Beautiful to re read your blog today as if I had never read it, so much about how I use control in all different aspects of my life is revealed in the last days and my body is releasing the tension of this restricted way of life. Today I really loved this quote ‘If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.’

  45. ‘I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.’ Thank you MAS for your honesty in this blog and this sentence sums it all up for me. I am just getting the truth about the compliance I have chosen as my way of controlling and your blog is of great support and inspiration to come to the depth of this type of abuse so I can change the way I move to choose a different quality in my life.

  46. I like the way you provided yourself with a natural stop when you came home from work, before going into the activities at home. I have started coming home and putting my feet up for 10 minutes and then begin the dinner or house chores. I find it a great way to re-gather myself rather than being on the go until bedtime.

  47. I find your deep honesty and willingness to heal totally inspiring. Thank you, MAS. Control is something I have employed a LOT in my life as well in desperate attempts to confirm my ideals and beliefs, it used to feel like I was having to fight constantly. In our re-connection to our inner-most, we are able to observe life without reaction, and I agree with you, that is the only thing we can actually control.

  48. Control is indeed a big thing especially in the work place. And what about the way we use to control ourselves? What I have seen I was very controlling about the way things should be done, not control others but to avoid feeling how vulnerable I felt by just trusting the flow of life. So work in progress, trusting that there is power in vulnerability, and that I am actually able to do great things when I let go of all the controlling behaviours.

  49. “I have partaken in the game of control myself, where I have placed more importance on outcomes than people” This is a great line because it exposes the way we rely on pictures of how we want life and people to be, instead of being in the moment and feeling and expressing from our true inner connection. It also exposes that we haven’t felt how much we as beings already are and the contentment to just be our whole true selves – we feel we need life to be a certain way in an attempt to fill the void that can only be filled by our selves. The title “Connection or Control” makes perfect sense!

  50. Control comes in many ways and can vary from glaringly obvious and extreme to very subtle and discreet.

  51. MAS the way you describe control as feeling like it was an invisible hand around your throat is far more real than the acceptable dictionary definition. It leaves an uncomfortable feeling as we know this to be true and it exposes any areas that we have been or are still controlling in our lives. I get a sense that I clutch onto control of myself as a way of protection and that I work very hard to control situations so that I am not seen in full. This would then expose how if I’m controlling myself then I’m constantly still controlling others to a greater or lesser degree and until I can fully let go of this then I am not allowing others the space to be themselves.

  52. ‘Our drive for an outcome is a thing of the past’. We get fixated on wanting certain outcomes which match the false pictures and ideals we have created in our heads creating a pattern of lies that we perpetuate. Living with connection and creating space to allow for observation and love is such a blessing to all those around.

  53. I think the majority have been there when it comes to control, it has many masks and all leading to protection so as not to get hurt. And yet when we are connected to ourselves, nothing penetrates, it just slides away – I love it even though I am not perfect at it. With consistency that connection increases, its so beautiful to feel.

  54. It is tempting to get carried away by a sense of control over others and situations but this stance is hollow and reliant on an external force; plus, as you have mentioned, we end up being scary and possibly even, with enough self reflection, afraid of ourselves, afraid of what can come through us and we are thereby, by association, capable of.

  55. “If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life..2 beautifully expressed MAS. Reconnecting with my body supports me throughout my day.

  56. When the love for self is honoured and nurtured, we begin to feel what true love is, and with this true love build a new foundation within. From there anything not of this quality of love stands out, and we begin to feel the abuse we have allowed to run for many eons.

  57. When I used to observe those around me who were controlling I would be shocked at the fact that this is how they lived; it seemed like a huge abuse of power and not in a very nice way. And there were many times that I crumbled to this control, did things I didn’t really want to do and became resentful in the process. Now when I look at those who feel the need to control I simply see someone who is actually scared of life, possibly carrying huge childhood hurts, and the only way that they feel that they can live in this world is to ensure that they can control everything that happens; that is their security net.

  58. Playing small keeps us in comfort and a self-made prison – I know as I did it for many years, letting go of this has been huge and it has been life changing for me learning to take more responsibility and to embrace who I truly am, thank you MAS for such a powerful and inspiring blog.

  59. “Living in a way that honours our connection can give obstacles a new perspective…” Wow. Your blog has exposed how controlling I have been recently when organising something for a group of people. I told myself I was being responsible but I was actually being controlling and seeking recognition. You remind me that if there is no true quality there is no responsibility.

  60. When we are not living by the impulses of our heart we are being controlled through the thoughts we are entertaining in our mind that can only lead us to be either controlling or subservient at any time. This brings home the responsibility we have to stay connected to who we truly are in essence and live from there.

    1. Yes Kathleen, so in other words the choice is a moment to moment one to choose to stay present and connected with ourselves or to choose to bring thoughts in which take us away from our natural connection.

  61. Appreciating the depth of honesty in your writings as ever, MAS, thank-you.
    Most (if not all) of us have grown up experiencing some level of control and submission to that control as you’ve described here. I well remember the ‘walking on tenterhooks’ due to the fact that someone may irrationally ‘explode’ – the potential for such situations always being felt well prior to any actual ‘explosion’ occurring behaviourally.
    What our ‘walking on tenterhooks’ imbeds in us, if we have submitted to the forces at play and done so in our lives, is effectively say ‘yes’ to an agreement with diminishment. And so the never-ending wheel of control-submission-control-submission rolls on… we learn our own ways of controlling situations, that others may not react – ‘God forbid’ they do!
    But in the process we ourselves buy into the whole game – and no-one truly ever evolves, or has the opportunity to deal with what is truly presented to us, i.e. to be all that we are in full, whether that arises resistance to our love within another, or not.

  62. Great blog that shows the only way to combat control is through connection. Without connection we feel unsupported and on our own. In this, it becomes about self and survival which brings in control. Bring in connection, which brings in brotherhood and we feel how supported we continuously are.

  63. Control and how we use it is personal to each and everyone of us. Humbleness to learn our personal controlling ways and make choices to change them is to be admired and observed, as to stop controlling and begin loving creates a way of life that is to be studied and emulated.

    1. I agree Leigh, changing patterns of control can be not so easy to change as we have chosen to be controlling or controlled for years, lifetimes even. What I love about what you share MAS is some of the practical tools that helped you such as going for a walk after work or taking a bath so that you had the space to let go of stuff before loading it on other people.

  64. “If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life”. After quite a few years participating in Universal Medicine events, I am finally getting the message of your words. Connection to self is the only way forward for me now, with the choice to be with my body and express form there. Then control can have no place in my life.

  65. Self-love is a new way of living for me, it brings a way of being with people that is very allowing and honouring, and as I learn that it is okay to live this way, life is becoming more and more rich.

  66. Thank you for sharing so honestly about the topic of control. It is such a huge part of our lives and happens in almost every area. I am seeing all the parts of my life where I still feel that need to control things and its great to be aware of and get to the bottom of.

  67. ‘It was time to start talking things through and not holding back from expressing myself in the moment that the control was felt.’ I have found that I used to use control when I actually lacked the ability to express fully from my heart.

  68. “I started by allowing time when I arrived home from work to process the day, by having a bath or going for a walk. This alone was powerful as it allowed me to come back to myself, where I was connected, not controlling.” Allowing space in our day to check in and feel our bodies allows us to observe life and how we live in it at a much greater angle. It offers us a deeper understanding of how we interacted during the day and any situations that may have come up to see and clear it if needed. I love going for a walk after work too, Thank you MAS.

  69. We can all put our hands up and say that we’ve been controlling, we like it, we want to feel what it is like to be right, to get our view and point across no matter what. It doesn’t actually feel very nice, when you are either being controlling or being on the receiving end of someone being controlling. There is never a winner, just reaction and emotions usually as a result.

  70. A very powerfull statement that is : Re-Connection – that’s the answer, and that’s my choice. And so is exposed that everything is a choice in every single moment. Thank you MAS.

  71. When we choose to connect and speak from our truth we have no need to control because we are not invested in what anyone else’s choices.

  72. As soon as we opt for control we lose our connection to ourselves and others and thus suffer the pain of separation. I love your choice to give yourself time to process what has happened during your work day so that it stays there and does not invade your home environment.

  73. Control has been a massive issue in my life. I have learnt the benefit of honestly accepting when I have made mistakes and not trying to manipulate my way out of accepting the consequence which only led to further dishonesty and confusion.

  74. When we feel controlled and react to it with protection, we are controlling no different from what we do not want in the first place. Clearly, this is not the answer. Being honest this is what is happening and rewinding our steps to discover what led us here and bringing Love back to the equation–that we have chosen control over Love but that I can always choose again.

  75. I really enjoyed reading this sharing about the ways we control and how different life can be when we connect. I also took your point on board about taking time to connect with your day with a walk.

  76. MAS, this is great to read, as the mother of a young boy I can feel how I can either parent with control or I can parent feeling connected with myself and this way of parenting is firm but loving and gentle, the controlling way I notice feels horrible in my body and my son feels the control and reacts to this, I am learning to let go of attachments and ideals about how he should be and be more understanding and let him feel the consequences of his choices more.

  77. What stays with me from this blog is that control can come with many faces and not just the obvious controlling and manipulative behaviour we all know well.

  78. A beautifully honest sharing, MAS. Makes me wonder what we think we are gaining by being controlling. I know for myself for having an agenda and being manipulative in all kinds of relationships and I could feel everyone was at it and it really is a game no one wins.

  79. I have had to recently look again at relationships and the subtleties of control, subtle in the sense of unspoken, but not subtle at all in terms of consequences. In my life what others exerting control on me has been about has been to simply stop me being me in full. It’s been about me not shining in full so others are not uncomfortable and can carry on living in separation from their own essence without being reminded of it. The more I look at control the more I see this foundation and how we place conditions on others to not be themselves so we don’t not have to stare true energetic responsibility (and our choices) in the face. All this control just so we don’t have to be our glorious, divine selves. Suppressing something so beautiful does not make sense unless you understand the difference between spirit and soul and the intentions of both – then it all makes perfect sense.

  80. “I learned to keep myself small and I became withdrawn, sad and depressed. I can now say that this way of being was a form of protection because it emitted the energy of “please don’t come near me because I have been hurt by others.” I recognise this choice of behaviour for myself also. I had given my control and power away to others. To come back to the love I know I am deep inside – and nowadays not so deep – is a blessing. Huge appreciation to Serge Benhayon for showing a new way of living.

  81. Its interesting to see the subtle forms of control that play out in family situations, friendships and relationships, its as if there is always a potential for a deeper connection but with the element of control being there, it never goes deeper than the surface, because to do so would reveal we are all hiding from hurts.

  82. ‘The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself’…. This is something nearly all of us are truly missing and as a result, whether it plays out through control or something else, we all suffer. The answer to true healing lies in this connection and surrender to ourselves … and from that foundation, what doesn’t belong cannot but fall away.

  83. “The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself.” Without love for self we are negating our responsibility to bring our whole bodies connection to the table. Choosing to make space and surrender to how our bodies feel can only bring us closer to our true path of living and that is undeniably important today.

  84. “If we re-connect to ourselves and live life through the body and not just the head, if we speak from the inner heart, then there is nothing to control as control dissipates as we surrender to the flow of life.” beautifully expressed MAS. When connected life flows.

    1. I agree sueq2012, it’s a great distinction between control and flow – they feel very different.

  85. You have nailed it – being nice and submissive and “in sympathy with oneself” are also means of control and at times even more potent than the more obvious forms of control; more potent because they are sugar-coated and reek of self-pity and martyrdom. And also, they can keep us trapped for ages as we then identify with this state of outward powerlessness and don’t take responsibility for our actions.

    1. I reckon there is a lot more control going on in relationships than we allow ourselves to see. If we break it down to “are we in our essence or not” we might come to the conclusion that when we are not we are either in some form of trying to control others or life, or controlling ourselves. There are a lot of unwritten rules in relationships, beginning with the one we have with ourselves.

  86. Amazing sharing MAS “I discovered that my ultimate power, far greater than positional power, is the power I hold within myself to not be swayed by manipulation, control and abuse; to not dull down who I am and pander to the arrogance of another, but to take command of the one thing that I can actually control – or CHOOSE – and that is the quality of the energy that I live.” This sentence blows me away. It is Connection and not control that allows us to feel truly safe and supported

  87. ‘The missing ingredient all along was a deep and tender love for myself.’ For all my controlling behaviour – how I put myself down especially, and being honest about the extent of this – it’s beautiful to feel how it’s not through becoming more controlling that I relinquish control but become more tender and loving with myself that I return myself to myself. It is from a re-connection with myself that I then feel the joy of being with others, open and fragile – rather than fear of not being able to control a situation.

  88. The way you described what control feels like in the body was so familiar. Behaving and playing small is equally a control and once again both sides are working to not feel hurt, or pain. To make a choice to choose the energy we live in and the energy that impulses our thoughts words and actions is far more powerful and long lasting. It simply allows us to be and to be with all others equally.

  89. ‘…someone to give the impression that I was cared about and that I belonged…’ Wow, you really expose us all here MAS. This is spot on. I can clearly see how I have been such an active participant in the control game as controllee and controller.

    1. It’s such a game, it’s like taking on a scripted role and accepting the false care and belonging, instead of understanding we are love in essence and expressing and living from there.

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