All my life I have been blowing in the wind, bending this way and that, adapting to my environment, trying to establish a control over all my relationships so that I wouldn’t get hurt. At school when I was teased I pretended I was OK, I was tough, I didn’t need anyone and shut everyone out. I tried to be ‘good’ and not upset any of the teachers.
Love usually comes with conditions, expectations and images of how we want another to be. We say to someone we love them, we care for them, want to be with them, all the while what is expressed comes loaded with conditions of how we want them to be. If they are how we want them to be then we say we love them, although it is not a love that is unconditional. It is conditional. We have a level of judgement that comes with the love we are prepared to show, share and give to another.
Recently I fell into a whole self–created story around my worth and my competence in relation to my work as a nurse. This happened because I assumed something and reacted.
I love to clean my own car. One of my jobs at home when I was a young teenager was to clean the family car at the weekend and I loved getting soap everywhere, all over myself and the car and then being allowed to use the hose to wash it all off and would occasionally squirt someone from the family who happened to be nearby. Our neighbour would ask me occasionally to clean his car too and would pay me the equivalent of my weekly pocket money, so that was always a bonus.
I used to consider abuse as something that wasn’t part of my life. I saw it in the news, films and read about it in papers. Abuse to me was extreme: extreme cases of violence, beheadings, bombings, attacks, rapes, fighting, shootings, stabbings, war, domestic violence, shouting, swearing and attacking people, someone physically self-harming or cutting themselves. Never once did I consider that abuse – which we all normalise and make okay, which we turn a blind eye to daily – is in all our lives.
Have you ever been really busy and caught up with something that is all consuming and feels very important – to discover later that it was actually not that important at all? We can feel quite ‘taken over’ and energetically, it can feel like we are being driven by an energy and a force that is not us.