Growing up I was taught that my main purpose was to be happy, to make life about me and what I wanted. This was exemplified, for instance, by having a boyfriend, earning some money, getting good school and college results and carving out a life where I was comfortable. There was an emptiness in this. It lacked true purpose and I didn’t enjoy the idea of my life being all about satisfying my needs.
I felt during these times that there was a constant striving to attain things and academic qualifications to ‘get on in life’. Life seemed to be about what grades I got in school which would determine which college I could go to, which would then determine whether I would be recognised and successful at my work.
I can feel now that there was no true purpose in this way of living. I wanted a boyfriend who would love me, and I wanted to live happily in a nice house, perhaps have children and to just be happy. But life didn’t feel satisfactory. In fact, it felt so empty and I was constantly searching for something to fill this emptiness. I thought this something was a man, so I searched the globe for one and didn’t find him, and so I felt like I had failed in my purpose. I carried on searching and was getting quite desperate and would accept anyone that showed the slightest bit of interest in me, because I was so desperate to find what I thought would make me happy.
I decided that life wasn’t really working, and I began to make some changes. I had been drinking heavily, which had landed me in the hospital and my body was clearly not living a happy life. At this point I actually decided to give up alcohol, which was huge for me. I also decided to stop searching for a man. I let go and felt that this constant searching was actually not working, which helped me settle and feel that building a relationship with myself would be worth a go. Stopping the search for a man felt amazing and giving up alcohol felt like a very loving choice. I also started to question why I was choosing to frequent places such as pubs and nightclubs and why I was choosing friendships that didn’t support either of us but were simply about our eternal search to find a boyfriend and basically revolved around drinking so we would feel confident enough to speak to men.
I let a lot of these ways of thinking go and began to question life. And everything changed.
I actually met a beautiful man who walked into my life when I was not looking. I was not under the influence of alcohol, and I was starting to have a sense of who I was that was not coming from an emptiness and need to find someone to make me complete.
I did not jump straight into bed with this man and throw myself at him because I was not so desperate anymore. I was regaining a sense of self-worth which assisted me in having some standards and boundaries in place. What unfolded was very beautiful, there was an ease with us and a flow and it felt like we had known each other before. I got a sense that we have more than one life because I had not met this person in this life and yet he felt like an old friend. We had a strong connection and I loved that it wasn’t based on need, alcohol and/or sex. It felt so much deeper and more true to me. There was a real beauty.
When I first met this man, he came over to where I was sitting, introduced by a friend, and I instantly knew that we had potential and there was an instant ‘yes’ being communicated from my body.
I had not felt this so strongly before. In the past it had felt more like a calculation; ‘Well he looks nice, although I don’t like this about him, but he is funny so I’ll give it a go’, all the while knowing deep down that it wasn’t going to work and that there was no true potential and connection. I had had many relationships like this, even when being matched up by someone else. If a man had taken an interest in me, that would have been enough, I would have been all in. But this felt different. It felt like a union that was bigger and grander and more than the two of us. It felt like we were brought together with Divine support. It felt like a constellation that would serve a greater purpose and I knew that I was not ‘just lucky’ to have this in my life.
I had always had the same feeling when renting or buying a house, I just knew. Often, I would pull up outside of a flat or house and just have a very strong feeling that this was where I was to be living, and if this feeling wasn’t there, I knew it would not work. I didn’t have to think long and hard about which house/area to live in and weigh it up as it was always very clear, it was a simple feeling in my body that this was where I was to live. I loved the simplicity of this, not over-thinking things and making this process super clear and bringing a natural flow.
I had this same feeling with this gorgeous man – it was just a clear answer of … ‘yes’ with no calculations.
It highlighted how past relationships had not been true because I had not followed this inner knowing and had instead gone into thinking about and justifying why this relationship might work, rather than simply going with my inner knowing that is crystal clear.
I realise now that everything can be this simple. I used to think that it only applied to choosing where to live. Now I realise that it can apply to which job I do, which clothes I buy, which till I go to at the supermarket, who I talk to, which way I walk, which drink to have and which ingredients to use in my meals.
My focus is on staying present in my body and not going into thinking about what I should do, but instead staying with what is true in each moment. I don’t need to overthink, analyse, control or calculate. Life then becomes a simple flow where I go with my feelings, naturally knowing what to do, and what is needed. It is the joy of living in true purpose, simply responding to what is called for in each situation, following my inner knowing and being in the simplicity and flow of life.
True Purpose. Inner-Knowing. Simple.
By Rebecca W, BA, South West, UK