by Naren Duffy, UK
‘Sex’. What power a little three-letter word can have! Chances are that many people who read this will have had their interest piqued simply because of the word ‘sex’ in the title of this post. It is amazing to me that such a little word can bring such a huge range of emotions and reactions within us. Of course, it is not the word that has this power, but the power we give to it that makes it powerful. It is what sex has come to mean to us in the world we live in that brings up such a huge range of responses in us. From titillation to disgust, and everything in between.
But what about ‘making love’? Is it the same as ‘sex’? Describing the physical act, ‘sex’ and ‘making love‘ are often used interchangeably. But are they really the same? Even just saying ‘making love’, it is pretty clear that there is something more going on than just sex. The words themselves when compared to each other are like completely different concepts. Sex as a word is punchy, short, terse. It just is sex. It does what it says on the box. No more, no less.
‘Making love’, however, has the potential to mean so much more. There was a time not too long ago, at the beginning of the last century and possibly earlier, when just flirting with someone was called ‘making love’. The entire wooing period in a relationship was making love. A look across a room was enough to be considered making love. Given the words that make up the phrase, doesn’t it make sense? Expressed in this way, people were literally making love together. So how is it that in a few short decades we have ended up with just sex?
There has been a lot of press and lots of studies about how we behave as a society when it comes to sex, and I do not pretend to be an expert beyond my own experiences. However, it does not take much to see that something is not quite right in our attitudes towards our most intimate of relationships. People are starting to have sex younger. Education about responsible sex in some countries is completely intertwined with religious beliefs. Pornography is very easily available to anyone regardless of their age as long as they have an internet connection, and the porn that is available is more and more extreme. We live in a time when ‘sex addiction’ is now considered an illness. How did we get from the innocence and fun of flirting being considered making love, to a society where people are being diagnosed with a sex addiction in just a few decades?
I remember having a girlfriend who once said to me, “I do not want to have sex with you, I only want to make love”. I scoffed at the idea. “Sometimes I just want to have sex”, I said. Only making love and not having sex felt limiting. Making love conjured up candle-lit scenes on a bearskin rug in front of a fire place. It was not that I was adverse to making love as well as having sex, I just didn’t have time to prepare that kind of setting every other night. I just “wanted to get my freak on” whenever I wanted (though I don’t think I ever actually used that phrase, thankfully).
I was up for exploring all the facets of physical intimacy, but it was all about sex. Sex was the goal of a night out. Sex was the point behind buying flowers. Sex was the desired outcome that was lingering behind even a simple touch.
As far as I knew, a good sex life was the mark of a good relationship. I read sex advice books, watched some pornography, even experimented briefly with tantric practices, all of those things that I had thought were there as tools to make people better lovers. And I thought that they were not unsuccessful. While I was no casanova by any means and was in several monogamous relationships, I felt competent in the bedroom because of these things.
But there was a problem. Something just didn’t feel right. I was stuck in a very familiar pattern of starting a new relationship which would begin full of excitement, spontaneous passion and creativity, but which inevitably ended up in a rut of doing the same thing again and again. There would then begin a search to rekindle the missing passions through the occasional drunken or drug-fuelled night, or trying something new: but boredom, or worse, infidelity, would creep in, and eventually the relationship would end. Then the search for a new partner would begin again.
Fast forward to three years ago, and at a presentation Serge Benhayon is asking, “Do you make love, or do you have sex?” At first I thought to myself, as I had before, “what’s the difference?” Well, the difference is connection. Making love is all about connection. And that connection is to ourselves first.
He presented to us that making love is a confirmation of the love that is already felt in ourselves, which then finds itself reflected back to us by the love that is already there in another. Therefore, if we truly love someone we must love ourselves truly first. If we do not love ourselves first and we say, “I love you” to someone, or we have sex with someone, we are searching for the love that we do not feel for ourselves to be fulfilled by another. And chances are that the other person does not truly love themselves either.
Serge presented the possibility that sex was not about love. It is about needing to get attention from someone and mistaking that attention for love. It is not that sex is bad (Serge never has said something is ‘bad’ or ‘good’, or one thing was better than another), but just having sex is limiting when compared to the vast and beautiful range of expression that we can experience when we make love. In sex we do not feel the amazing person that we truly are first, and then as that amazing person we choose to be with someone who also feels amazing. Instead, we feel the emptiness that comes from not being all that we know ourselves to be, and from that feeling of lack we go looking for a someone or a situation that makes us feel good – either physically good, or good about ourselves. Sure, sex can feel amazing, but inevitably there comes a time when we ask ourselves, “Is that it? I could have sworn there was something more here.”
Most importantly, we were presented with the fact that, for a man, sex is often about finding relief. There are lots of analogies and sayings about the pressure that men feel around having sex; both peer pressure, and a physical building of pressure that finds relief through sex. However, when men have sex, a big part of what is actually being relieved is the pressure to be the kind of man that they are expected to be by the world, but know that they are not on the inside. Because for many men, in that fleeting moment of orgasm he can be tender and caring in a way that the world does not always allow. Men miss feeling that deeply within themselves, and even though we do not always know it or allow it, deep inside we are looking for a way to feel that tenderness – or sometimes just to feel anything at all.
All of this was an enormous revelation to me. It was not exactly a comfortable one, but it was profound. It explained the treadmill of relationships I had been on. It explained why I looked at women in a certain way, and what I had actually been looking for. It explained why no matter what I read or tried with my partner, things would slip into dissatisfaction. It explained what was going on in our attitudes towards sex, as a society. It exposed the pressure that exists on men and women to look a certain way, or have a certain job, or wear these or those kinds of clothes. It was all about putting on an outer shell so the thing that was missing, actually feeling lovely just being myself with myself, would be fulfilled for me by someone else.
Having been in numerous bars and clubs and both observing and taking part in the ‘mating dance’ that takes place between men and women, it was very clear to me how we want the love we desperately miss for ourselves to be expressed towards us by another, and how we mistake love for the temporary attention that sex brings to us. Relationships are so often built on a foundation of this temporary attention. Marriages are made, and children are conceived and raised on this basis.
What was now being proposed to me was that the relationship with myself is the most important relationship I have, and that relationship has to come first always if I want to have a truly loving relationship with anyone else. In building that relationship I have had to take responsibility for the way I have been with previous girlfriends, how I have been towards myself, and what it truly means to be a man. It has not always been easy, I am forever learning more and more. It is not an overnight switch to making love all the time, but it is definitely simpler than what I was doing in the past.
Making love is now just a part of my day. It is when I make food. It is having a conversation. It is walking or bathing or shaving, or even brushing my teeth. It is the look across the room. It is a smile. This is all making love so that there is more love in my life for me to express. Thus, when I touch my partner it is simply about being love as much as I can, and when we lie down together it is not a solemn, serious affair but it is simple,
and lovely,
and beautiful,
and fun,
and joyful.
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
The tenderness in a man is divine, but can only be appreciated by a woman who is tender with and within herself.
In the physical act of sex, if the closeness and intimacy of tenderness with one another is not present, the fulfilment that is being sought will also not be present.
This is a great sharing Narren and to come to this . . .”Making love is now just a part of my day.” . . . is inspiring and endearing as a tenderness can be felt from this . . . it a far cry from the programming men receive through multi-media and advertising in general or the dictates of our society.
I like the simplicity in what you share, that all that it takes is a closer and observant look at how we live to then be able to see and ‘undo’ the beliefs we hold and live by.
This makes so much sense, ‘that the relationship with myself is the most important relationship I have, and that relationship has to come first always if I want to have a truly loving relationship with anyone else.’ I agree completely.
I love how you unravel what making love is and how we have simply allowed sex to substitute for it more and more. It is like sex is the quick fix while making love is a steady everyday commitment that we grow in and with ourselves and then encompasses all that we do.
I love to go food shopping as I love to make nourishing meals for my body. I love to walk and exercise my body along the beach in the sunshine. I Love to prepare myself lovingly for bed in the early evening, and have a hot shower to warm my body before bed. I love to apply makeup to enhance the beauty that is already there. I love to rise early to have lots of time to prepare for the day ahead. There are many things I love to do for myself, and in reading this blog, I have realised that I am making love with myself and have just realised that ‘making love is now just part of my day too’. Thankyou Narren for sharing your experience and wisdom with us all.
‘the relationship with myself is the most important relationship I have, and that relationship has to come first always if I want to have a truly loving relationship with anyone else’. My body resonates with these words and perfect for me to read today as I open to share more of myself in a new relationship.
What you have shared here Naren, about the ‘relief’ that can be sought by men through sex deserves to be read by every man and every woman, to be included in our education of our young people, and so much more: “…when men have sex, a big part of what is actually being relieved is the pressure to be the kind of man that they are expected to be by the world, but know that they are not on the inside.”
What if we truly understood this? And how it is no wonder that both men and women are seeking so much through sex, and missing out on the deep beauty and true intimacy of making love… We would recognise how divorced from ourselves we have become, and the call that is here loud and clear, to restore ourselves to a true connection once again with the tender intimacy inherent in all men and women alike.
This is a blog so worth revisiting, periodically throughout our lives. Thank-you Naren. It IS all about connection – and how we been largely conditioned to seek connection outside of ourselves, which, without a foundation in our own being, can never actually fulfil us.
When we inject the quality of true love into anything that we do whatever we are doing comes alive.
It is gorgeous that you chose to share your thoughts and experience so openly for so many to relate to… I just love what you shared about having sex being limiting ‘when compared to the vast and beautiful range of expression that we can experience when we make love’…. making you question why you would ever want to limit yourself when there can be so much more when connection is the foundation.
Very cool Naren and very well written. As you say when we have sex we get to the point where we feel we can open ourselves up a little bit more than usual but that openness is possible to feel all of the time as you share.
It is amazing how laced ‘sex’ is and when we think of it what it brings. I know for me there are heaps of images and ideals around it. Whereas making love takes the pictures away – and brings it back to connection and away from purely the physical act.
Reading this again brings a deeper understanding of making love. In my day to day life I see it is all about making love my way of life, so this is the way I will be we with everyone – bringing joy and tenderness to every moment.
‘ Thus, when I touch my partner it is simply about being love as much as I can, and when we lie down together it is not a solemn, serious affair but it is simple, and lovely and beautiful and fun and joyful’. I love the way you end this blog Naren, I can feel the natural ease that you relate to your parter with and how simple making love is. We have made the words ‘making love’ mean so much less.
Having this blog out there on the internet is an enormous healing — it speaks to all men and women Naren. Amazing what you have claimed so humbly and beautifully in your own life that you can now share with us all.
This is an absolute gem Naren. There’s so much here. This line struck me as I was reading it (amongst many more): ‘How did we get from the innocence and fun of flirting being considered making love, to a society where people are being diagnosed with a sex addiction in just a few decades?’. I wonder if as well as the true tenderness that a man deeply misses, that we also en masse miss that innocence, so much so that in the pain of knowing we walked away from it, we disconnect more and more. In our own self-fury we go for the fast sex, the hard sex, the pornography, and a gazillion other offerings of relief from this ache within that are available, and in so doing, we disconnect more and more from the one thing we long for most.
This is the education that all young boys would benefit so much from. Thank you for offering this inspiring message Naren.
Rereading this made me really appreciate that there are men like you Naren, willing to consider another way. With the internet flooded with porn and naked models nearly on every billboard its loverly to see that there are men out there wanting more than just wam bam thank you mam.
“However, when men have sex, a big part of what is actually being relieved is the pressure to be the kind of man that they are expected to be by the world, but know that they are not on the inside.” This is so huge. It helps me to understand so much about the way men have been with me in the past.
What a fantastic article, the writing style here is super relatable, warm, funny and engaging.
My past was made up of similar issues in relationships, in fact it was almost like they all had an expiry date on them and I was trying to make the best of them while they lasted.
Flash to now, I am now happily married, we have an epic love life and total spark just like the day we met. Serge Benhayon’s presentation about the vast difference between making love and having sex have been a huge support. It is so worth knowing the difference between these two words, as it allows love that you never thought possible in, our love life just keeps getting better and better, sorry if that was TMI (too much in information) hahah but its true!!
Thank you Naren for a great and honest sharing, for most men it is challenging understanding the difference between making love and having sex as we think it is all the same and it is awesome to read your experience that making love is about connection and honouring of our tenderness as when we do that we can surrender and become transparent and let go of the impositions we have carried in life.
Gorgeous Naren. This line perfectly sums sex up ‘Sex as a word is punchy, short, terse. It just is sex. It does what it says on the box. No more, no less.’ And as you have said is far far limiting to what true love making is about and how it feels not just in the bedroom but in every moment of everyday.
Sex feels like something that we use as a distraction from feeling separation, where as making love is a confirmation of our connection. One leaves us filling complete and one leaves us filling empty.
Well said Fiona. Your words nail it.
I agree Eunice, not only will there most probably be people going ‘ahhhh so that’s the difference’ but also relieved that what they have been accepting as making love is not making love at all and that there is a way that is entirely different to the way they have known.
Yes absolutely Tony, it would be a beautiful antidote to all the pornography that is so readily available. It’s crazy that if you google sex there would be no shortage of articles but there is almost nothing on the Internet about what love making is truly about.
The lack of tenderness in what is viewed as normal modern day sex is frightening. Young people are surrounded with messages saying sex is all about passion, excitement, risk taking and extremes whereas love making is none of that. Loving making is simple, lasting and ever expanding it is not limited by end result.
The messages are alarmingly frightening. The other day I went to the movies and while watching an ad I thought it was about informing the public of the young sexual lost ness, promiscuity and pressure that young people are faced with. It had very young teenagers engaging with sexual movement and little clothes – but I was completely wrong – it was a CK perfume ad promoting the fun of being like this. So what does that say about us as a society?
There is a rule about having sex: don’t fully connect. So in truth there is no addiction to Sex, never. There is simply a yearning for connection to love.
The way Serge Benhayon presents making love is in itself making love!
Agree totally
Thank you Naren for the candid, clear honesty of your experience. What an awesome journey of greater understanding you have embarked on, with regards to a deeper, truer intimacy with yourself and life and in turn another. l loved reading it. To hear it from an honest mans perspective is awesome. l have been given a greater insight into what men are grappling with as well as what I’ve endured.
Sex education should be taught from this loving, self honouring perspective. How empowering that would be for both boys and girls.
This is so gorgeous Naren. What a beautifully sensitive account of one man’s journey into his unfolding tenderness and self-nurturing. Everything is everything as a wise man said!
Deeply tender and beautiful and so honest. What a blessing of a sharing for humanity.
Great point Gail, we are fools to think that something will just be there because we are horny! We have to work the momentum up in our bodies and when we do man oh man is it worth it! Too much information? Hah Hah
I agree Andrew with sex being similar to food, to me it was a comfort like chocolate. I also searched it out when I was craving intimacy and this was because I did not know how to be truly intimate with myself. It only worked to for-fill this need momentarily and then I felt lonely again.
I can relate to this Sarah – the constant seeking outside of myself for affection, touch and any form of intimacy – I settled for situations I can now see as mildly abusive just to feed that need. Self love and making love with myself first, in how I treat myself has made such a different to the level of care and intimacy I now give and receive – and this is reflected in the partner I have chosen to be with.
Thats awesome Rachael, I had similar experiences to you, the things I put up with just in order to fill my emptiness and get something from outside were not supportive at all.
You’re my new hero Naren Duffy! This blog seriously rocks, I am so sharing this on social media, which says a lot as I hardly ever share anything on social media.
I wet myself laughing at the “get my freak on” call. Your fun honest approach to life and writing are a breath of fresh air.
I agree Sarah, what Naren has written here is a complete breath of fresh air, frank, honest and to the point. I love this blog Naren.
Wow this is so beautiful Naren, your honesty here is also so refreshing and I can see how it gives not only men permission to allow themselves the freedom to be the tender, caring and vulnerable men they naturally are but also women, for we too have become hardened by the focus on ‘sex’ rather than ‘making love’ in society today. Connection to self first as you say, the key.
This is a superb piece of writing on making love versus having sex Naren! This is what I would like to read in a newspaper or magazine. What happened to the media? All we get to read nowadays are empty, trashy, endless repetitions of the same regurgitated “news” and here in some blog tucked away in cyber space you find the greatest pearls of eloquent writing… I love it, what an amazing read!
Reading your bog again Naren it occurs to me just what a great big set up sex is. If we do not connect with ourselves and the love we are first and look for someone else to bring us that love, but they are in the same boat, then despite the best of intentions, the best we are going to be able to offer each other is some ‘temporary attention.’ A fleeting moment or two or being recognised, accepted, even caring or tender but having no depth if it comes from the other person’s need and often laced with the expectation that it will be returned. No wonder the word ‘sex’ is short and sharp!
I really enjoy the frank, playful way that you talk about your experiences and what you have learnt about yourself and life concerning sex and making love. You write “ Instead, we feel the emptiness that comes from not being all that we know ourselves to be,” concerning having sex, I can relate to this, there was always a need for fulfilment from another person, I wanted to be seen to be acknowledged and I didn’t understand why I did not feel that sweet surrender inside I knew was potentially there concerning love making. At that point I had not realised that for me to feel it, it was necessary for me to ‘surrender’ to the love that has always been there within me, waiting to be lived. I feel complete in myself now, I have no need for another to acknowledge who I am, I know I am enough ‘just as I am’, love making starts in the everyday, learning to love ourselves means we can share this with another person naturally.
What a difference there is Naren between sex and making love, and what a great deal we have been missing by not fully understanding this difference. I love your words “…vast and beautiful range of expression that we can experience when we make love.” Why would we want to overlook that in favour of the usual brief sexual encounter.
I love your pure honesty here Naren. Looking back, I could barely utter the words ‘making love’! I felt like a fraud and now I know why. The mating dance for me was never about love, it was about getting attention from a man because I didn’t give myself much. And to think marriages and families are founded on such a dance, is it no wonder so many aren’t lasting the distance?
Beautifully put Felixschumacher8. We could be surrounded by all the love in the world yet if we have none for ourselves, we will be blind to what is on offer. Regardless of whether we notice or not, love just keeps on loving – such is the loveliness of love.
Naren, your honesty is inspiring. Sex belongs to the reduced realms of a life lived in function, which is not really living but more so just ‘existing’. So horrific is this to our natural loving way that we throw ourselves inadvertently into a pressure cooker of lofty expectations, false ideals and twisted beliefs in a desperate attempt to escape what we have created. Thus, the search begins and it is little wonder we seek relief. Being the love that we are and expressing this in every way, in every ‘tiny’ way is what makes up the grandness of the love we are and allows us to live the life we are well worth living. Far from being one man’s experience, what you share here speaks for us all, regardless of gender. Thankyou.
”Far from being one man’s experience, what you share here speaks for us all, regardless of gender. ”
Here here Liane – What Naren has expressed far surpasses gender, age or any other defining category. This is about us all and our search for true love, but in that search we are really just escaping the fact we are not living the love we already are. Lack of intimacy and true connection is a world wide plague and the level of abuse and pornographic material gives testament to that. Enough with the search and escape, lets start living what we already are.
A great read – and one that I am working on, in my everyday rhythms, routines, everyday life. Thank you for the detailed explanation of the difference between love and sex…
Thank you Naren for your amazing honest sharing. It is true that nothing can come from outside of oneself that can truly fulfill, it is at best only a temporary solution, but so quickly the underlying emptiness is felt again. You have described so much of what is amiss with relationships and why so many are feeling at sea with them. It is only when we understand that the love must be in us first, that we hold ourselves in that love, that we are then able to hold another in love… and it is only then that making love is a possibility. How would this turn relationships around.
One can have sex at any time and with anyone, even paying for it. That’s not love.
Intimacy is true love with your partner, wife or husband. Doing things together, holding hands,cooking, just wanting to be together at all times. There are times when you both need your own space, but always wanting to come back together.
Thanks Naren absolutely gorgeous you are so on the money here I love it. I too always knew there had to be something more so you cam image my delight when I discovered myself and then took that with me to my new loving partner, wow our reflection to each other is so powerful we feel like we can move mountains.
I don’t know many who could write about this subject without any undercurrent because the word ‘sex’ is in the title. Thank you Naren Duffy for being so honest and open in sharing and talking about this subject. It also strikes me that today we have a modern day illness called ‘sex addiction’.
Why is it that people are addicted to sex?
Could it be possible that they do not have a true relationship with themselves?
Could it be possible that they do not choose to know themselves intimately?
Could it be possible that their addiction to sex is their form of drug?
I agree with you Naren and Serge Benhayon that first and foremost we need to develop and build a true relationship with ourself. How on earth can we say ‘I Love You’ to anyone if we do not have an ounce of Love for ourselves?
The word addiction comes packed with meaning – lives ruined for a momentary escape from the mundane of life, be it through a drug mediated momentary ‘high’, the buzz of a horse winning a race, or the relief and satisfaction of what passes for intimacy in the sexual act.
So we have a situation where people get addicted to that thrilling initial pursuit, but at a devastating cost to themselves and their partners. I guess Bina, it is a form of drug, a so called legal high, that leads to cheating on partners or the inability to settle for anyone person.
How about an inability to settle for ones self?
I love the way Naren spoke about being competent in the bedroom. I fell for that one too, as well as the thrill of chasing people. That sexual competence and reliance on a few learned skills is so strangely glorified in our society. Yet it leaves us so far short of the beauty of who we are, and a love that needs no peaks or highs, or snazzy techniques. And it never leaves you dropped in a rut on the other side.
So true Naren, Bina and Rachel – a great discussion! Everything teaches us to look outside to fill the emptiness we feel inside and sex is one thing that is promised to us on every corner, that is supposed to make us feel great. What a lie – a big fat lie. We could not aim further from the truth as you say true love and fulfillment is found within and in the relationship ourselves.
That’s beautiful Nicole. The wanting to please is a huge ‘killer’, whereas to simply be who we are, truly naked not just physically is what is so beautiful. I wonder if our sex obsessed society has something to do with the fact that so many of us find it difficult to let down all our masks even with those closest to us and let ourselves be truly seen….
So interesting. I was reading recently that a higher and higher proportion of marriages and relationships are having less and less sex as the years go by. Initially there is the excitement and highly sexual phase which then fizzles away. There is much discussion about this, about how men seem to lose their sexual urges, and many other potential reasons but no one has considered if it actually comes done to the quality of sex itself. If we are making love we’re in connection with ourselves and our partner and that connection isn’t just in the bedroom. It isn’t just when we’re together. It’s all of the time and forever deepening and the sexual act is a direct reflection, and a gorgeous confirmation of the quality in which we live. This is what needs to be introduced to society’s bewilderment about the lowering sex drive of couples amidst a population that is obsessed with sex.
For a woman, it is great to read this expressed and explained by a man with such love and tenderness. Thank you.
I agree Carmin. Showing that the love we all feel is equal in its expression when we truly love ourselves first.
Thank you Naren for a great article talking about sex and making love. It felt great to be reading about this in a normal and honest way because you are quite right – both ‘making love’ and ‘sex’ have so much ideals & beliefs around them that it is good to be breaking some of those down and looking at the truth. One thing that particularly struck me today about what you said, is that sex for men has offered the opportunity for them to be tender and loving – which they/you are in spades – but the world has basically said no to you showing that. That was a real insight for me.
Whilst sex is usually between two people it is actually a selfish act as it is a source of relief, whereas making love is a connection of a couple.
Dead on the mark Tony.
Thank you Naren, learning about love in everyday living is such a vital part of life and you have expressed this very well.
Naren, reading your beautiful article brought tears to my eyes. I don’t have a partner, but you showed me how I can still make love every day. Thank you.
Great blog Naren. The heading of your blog did pique my interest, so I explored further and found honesty and truth. Amazing! The old adage ‘if you don’t love yourself how can you love another’ came to mind while reading your blog. Perhaps this should read – if you cannot make love with yourself then how can you possibly make love with another? Making love to yourself: smiling while walking down the street, allowing yourself to feel gorgeous, being playful, lovingly preparing a meal, lovingly getting ready for the day/work/bed, walking with full attention. Truly making love with myself, I feel, makes it possible to truly make love with another and sex is only a part of that whole way of being.
The physical act of intercourse can be amazing or it can be awful and mostly we know and or have experienced this, but I feel we have been distracted in trying to improve what have been some of the awful experiences with by improving the physical, getting clever learning new tricks etc. But the real difference, I am speaking after 18 years of marriage has been when we really let go of any agendas or desires to perform or please and just be with each other, I know it sounds boring but it is not. When I first experienced this with my husband (nothing physical) the intimacy or the closeness felt was uncomparable and I realised how very rarely we allowed this with each other. Starting from that place of true intimacy meant the physical was lovely as well but the true intimacy was actually so much greater than the physical and like Naren shares this intimacy is not just for the bedroom it can go on when we are in the kitchen or when we are apart .
This is what I call true celebration! No swinging from the rafters required, just true, simple, extraordinary love – love it! Thank you Naren, to feel this expressed from a man is an inspiration.
I really enjoyed rereading this article Naren as it highlighted to me the importance of developing a deep and loving relationship with myself first. It made me consider that by living this way I then open the door to connect to my partner not from need or want but from a true foundation of love, reflecting the love that he too is.
Beautiful Naren. It is great to hear about the sex vs making love conundrum from a man’s perspective. Men are as equally tender and sensitive as women, and to have a man that understands and honours that within himself is gold. Instead of men and women approaching love making from different perspectives, we can be on the same page completely, making every movement, gesture, glance, touch etc. all be a part of our evolving love together.
Absolutely, sex education is about functioning and the physical aspects. Its interesting working with teenagers they call sex only when penetration is involved and everything else is not called sex. So we can see there that it is a form of separating it and making it about a doing instead of how we are and live. Thats also why sex education has got the focus on pornography as a possible aspect to be included into sex education, it is all about getting physical relief. We definitely need a change of perspective here!
I can totally relate to what you are sharing here Naren. I can feel the difference between having the loving connection and relationship with myself first, and then choosing to make love with someone who also loves themselves first, instead of not knowing how to love myself and from there looking for it from someone else. I have done the last for a long time, but am now finding my way through self-love and deeply honouring myself. My relationships with everyone feel just so much fuller – it is really amazing.
Wow Naren – thank you for writing so openly and honestly. Truly appreciated the opportunity to view sex and making love from a man’s perspective. it makes so much sense for making love to be a part of everything in your day – rather than limited to a physical act with a partner.
It’s beautiful to read a mans view on this topic Naren, and to read how you came to learn that making love is “all about connection” and that it starts with the connection to ourselves first. Lovely to read how making love is now in all that you do everyday.
That is truly lovely Naren. What a lovely place to come to when you lay next to your partner and express the love you have already been building for yourself. Amazing.
Truly beautiful Naren. Thank you!!
Reading what was called making love in the past, it confirmed that making love is not just a physical action, it is a statement, an intention: we are making love our way, together. Having sex is never a reflection of that intention, but about relieving together from how we are living. It confirms the energy of separation we are living in.
In sharing your story Naren so humbly and openly, you’re letting us all in to feel your tenderness and remember how true and gorgeous it is when we honour and cherish connection first. Making love then is something that we simply do in all that we do.
This is such an amazing article Naren and so beautifully written. I loved what you exposed about making love being about a relationship and connection with ourselves first before truly being able to have a loving relationship with another. A challenging concept indeed when it seems the world is perpetuating that love is something that is brought to you from another in denial that we are just sadly searching for a love that we have chosen to not develop and connect to within ourselves, and so look to be fulfilled from the outside… when that is not where it comes from.
This is beautiful what you have shared. I have been so weary of expressing my love for men in fear that they will want it to lead to the bedroom. It does feel liberating to express love to men without thinking it will lead to physical desire. I’m still weary, but there is progress. Yes I have felt pressure from men in the past but I am equally responsible in playing the game too. I wanted the attention but didn’t want the physical response.
So gorgeous Naren. Thank you for your honesty. One line that got me was “Sex was the point behind buying flowers”. As a woman I have felt this and so that flowers then become a source of anxiousness. Your blog opened me up to the pressure I have felt from men to have sex. Then, wanting to please, I have gone ahead. Yucky cycle of sex. No building of love making during the day. And whilst I considered this normal, I could feel the huge lack of something quite major in there.
I love re-reading this blog. Today I really heard how men can feel a pressure to ‘do’ this, or fulfil that, the whole measuring ‘performance’ – ‘casonova’ thing – or fulfillng the craving for attention you so well describe….whereas with what you later share neither partner is there with a need – having already been living in love and tenderness with self and that being each persons own responsibility – so in making love, there is actually no ‘doing’ – both parties just left to be. Love the honesty and playfulness of your writing Naren, thank you.
Thanks Naren – such a beautiful and honest article from the man’s perspective…but for all of us, men and women alike to really feel the simplicity and love in making the choice between the quick fix or the longer lasting development of love within ourselves.
Whow Naren! Thank you for shinning some light and for bringing understanding to the differences between having sex and making love. There is definitely a huge difference between the two and it always starts with us men embracing that tenderness and caring nature that we innately are.
Naren, I can feel the tenderness and care you have deep inside of yourself as a man. It wants to be seen and to be met.
The world often does not allow that. Thank you for sharing the path you have found in showing the world your tenderness and deep care with yourself.
Naren, what an amazing blog; thank you so much for sharing so openly what you have learnt and how this translates into your life and relationships. Yes, it always starts with our relationship we have developed with ourselves first, and then taking that fullness to our partner.
Well said Toni, I absolutely agree; this blog is pure gold!
Naren, your whole blog is simple, lovely, beautiful, fun and joyful! I enjoyed reading your account on love making and it gave me a much needed view from a man’s perspective. I have also bought into the idea that for men it’s about relief more than anything, which is such a ridiculous notion. Thank you for sharing your precious story and pointing out that there is indeed another way, – and NOT: “It was all about putting on an outer shell so the thing that was missing, actually feeling lovely just being myself with myself, would be fulfilled for me by someone else.” But it’s about being love first.
Naren, this is great “Men miss feeling that deeply within themselves, and even though we do not always know it or allow it, deep inside we are looking for a way to feel that tenderness” Gentle-men – Gentle is in all men despite the pressure otherwise. The amount of hurt being carried is extraordinary and expressed in so many ways that is not tenderness.
It is no wonder that men are betwixt and between – seeking the tenderness that we are against a backdrop that views such tenderness in men as being less than.
The Sex vs Love making is one that this world seems driven to want to express as sex only. Sex Sells, Sexting, Porn, Sexcelebrity (I just made that one up!), Cat walks, Provocation, 50 shades of separation, sex-exploitation – nothing tender there.
Driven to be the change I wish to see in the world – starting with me which I can now understand is about the tenderness we can feel with ourselves if we just let it in.
It’s like we have always known but Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon switch the light on in that darkened room. I’m going to make love with me now by making a cup of cinnamon tea :).
Gorgeous Andrew – how different the world would be if we all made love to ourselves, be it with cinnamon tea, a bath, cooking ourselves a nourishing meal….
Awesome! Such a different perspective on sex and making love. Truly beautiful and I think deep down its what we are all craving.
The forever long lasting and holding feeling of making love that I am beginning to understand, strongly relates to me first as if I can’t be like that with myself first, it makes it hard to be that with my partner. The part about the innocence and playfulness really rings true to me in contrast to old ways of sex, a word that now conjures up feelings of shallow, short, sharp, and selfishness to name a few. Thanks Narren for your article on a topic requiring much more discussion in a world filled by porn, and sex and its misrepresentations through the internet, of a mans disconnected irresponsible nature.
This is a great blog Naren – thank you for writing to remind us of the depth and breadth that can be encapsulated in making love, the difference in how it feels, and that it stems from a deeper relationship with ourselves.
A beautiful revelation Naren on exposing the difference between sex and making love. Thank you for sharing and breaking the ideals of what is,’ to be a man’.
Naren’s honesty is refreshing … And who knew that ‘making love’ could be so simple!
Wow Naren, this rocks. There is a truly divine gentleness that shows how willing you are to explore the depths of the difference between making love and relieving sex. I love the part where you describe making love in all that you do. It feels almost “old fashioned” but at the same time so gorgeously innocent and playful. I know for a fact that the truly lovely and “exciting” parts of any relationship whether with self or someone else are those small subtle moments where expression comes deep from a place of love and sends shivers all through your body. That to me is a revelation I have picked up through my listenings to Serge Benhayon and feels amazing every time I hit that nail on the head.
A lovely expression of love making phillsargeant – ‘ …those small subtle moments where expression comes deep from a place of love’.
Thank you for writing this Naren as it expresses well the treadmill of relationships that I have been on in the past. Because of my lack of self-love I was constantly looking outside for love but because I was empty of it so the relationships became so. Serge Benhayon’s presentation that “making love is a confirmation of the love that is already felt in ourselves, which then finds itself reflected back to us by the love that is already there in another” and that “the relationship with myself is the most important relationship I have, and that relationship has to come first always if I want to have a truly loving relationship with anyone else” is so true. By taking that on-board in my life not only has my relationship with my wife become one that is ever deepening but I can now say I have many loving relationships which is so beautiful.
Naren, you express your feelings so well. Sex you can have anywhere. But intimacy with the one true person in one’s life is something to behold and cherish.
Thank you Naren for expressing so clearly the difference between making love and sex. Also lovely to have a man’s perspective. Your blog is an inspiration to men and women helping us to feel the beauty of making love : the deep connection with the other person, the equality, the tenderness, the intimacy and the joy and playfulness. Beautiful article. Thank you.
I love it Naren- well expressed. The power and simplicity of making love is so huge and deeply touching that a look or a small touch in a ‘making love’ way far surpasses a whole night of sex and climaxes. And then now, one can consider the depth, joy and playfulness that the intimate act of ‘making love’ can actually be like.