By Fumiyo Egashira, Japan
This is about my trying to be esoteric and discerning, but because there was no self-love to begin with, I ended up being judgemental. This was exposed through my noticing of a sense of ‘relief’ which followed an uncomfortable sensation in my body: this ‘contraction/relief’ mechanism was traced back to an old belief I had held.
The other day, when I was checking out what my friends were getting up to, reading about what they were recommending – practitioners/presenters/modalities/methods/events etc – I noticed something: I felt as if I was looking for an evidence, a clue to form a judgement and to satisfy myself that they were not esoteric, not of truth, and actually feeling almost relieved when I decided that they were not. Relieved as if I somehow believed that it would make me less if they turned out to be of truth.
A very similar belief actually came up during my session with an Esoteric practitioner a long time ago, and I thought I had got over it.
This realisation horrified me, pushing me into deep self-loathing and shame, then reminded me of something which made me laugh out loud: ‘The Only Gay in the Village’ – a sketch in a British comedy series called ‘Little Britain’.
In this sketch, this gay guy is dressed and behaving in a very obvious gay manner. He basically shuts himself off from the world, refusing to make connections, and remains aloof, claiming ‘he is the only gay in the whole village’ – while in fact there is another who is willing to embrace him into the community. He likes his position of being the only one so much that he blatantly refuses to accept that there is another gay in the village.
I am not gay, and I don’t live in a village, but wasn’t I separating and excluding myself from the others just like this character while whinging about not having anyone nearby who understands me and my choices – when in fact, the world could be full of equally beautiful people, just like me?
What’s also poignant is this: in this sketch, it is hinted that this ‘gay’ guy may not really be gay after all – this stopped me. This is just so exposing, embarrassingly so.
Here I was, judging the others’ choices as loveless, while I was the one who was holding back that love because I was disconnected and could not feel it inside me – hence the belief that said I would be less if I acknowledged the others’ glory.
I was desperately looking for that missing part – love – knowing it could not be found outside myself, yet I kept looking out, until I convinced myself that the world had let me down.
So I had to ask myself – do I discern, or do I judge?
It is probable that I do discern correctly. But something else can happen as well.
What has often taken place is this:
I don’t allow and honour my own feelings fully, so this leaves an opening for judgement to be formed very, very quickly – about the subject, and also about myself for making that judgement itself. Once there’s an opening, love starts leaking and what’s not love is so fast to take charge and make the whole thing so complicated and emotionally charged.
I could have gone on to beating myself up for falling for that, but that sketch was way too funny and I had to surrender.
After all, “The Only Esoteric in the Village” in itself is oxymoronic – because when a separative perception takes over the Truth for me to experience the world this way, that’s no longer esoteric.
The old beliefs, the judgements – do not stand a chance against the True Love.
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
Fumiyo I can totally relate to “while I was the one who was holding back that love because I was disconnected and could not feel it inside me”. Because in that I can feel the judgment I placed upon others and, it’s a no wonder we then go into the spiral of circulation energy and criticising of others.
When we go deep within ourselves and know that everything we need is within us all, we stop that search outside of ourselves. Then there is no need for us to go elsewhere. And in that we can bring a reflection to others that they can do the same, if they so wish to too.
Beliefs do not serve anyone but something else instead. It is all designed to keep us separate from one another. Drop/release/heal them, then life can be observed from a different perspective.
Fumiyo, thank you for this fantastic blog which I too can relate to – I too have judged, and seen others as lesser, and I am still in the process of learning to not do this in more and more refined ways. LIfe is a big classroom full of learnings, and I am a forever student, learning and growing each and every day, each and every life.
I agree Henrietta there’s still flavours of judgments within all of us and as we drop more, they become more and more refined – I love the processes. Because in that, we realise that we are all connected as brothers and sisters and not just blood relations…
Judgement comes when we do not see another as an equal. We judge them, and to do this we must see them as lesser than us. And in so doing, we hold an arrogance in seeing ourselves as better than them. It is an ugly picture to not allow an equality in a relationship – but what keeps us there is the responsibility we would otherwise naturally step up to.
The Ageless wisdom reveals much to us and all the wisdom that is revealed also holds a practicality in application which is transformative in its simplicity.
We feel when we are being judged, and it always feels horrible, so yes, it is a great behaviour to stop.
We can make anything into a label that divides us, even the word ‘Esoteric’, it’s something we have been doing in many different ways for centuries. When we can be love and truly love all around us, there is not any confusion, just a holding and acknowledging of all equally, and with understanding.
Exploring your story Fumiyo, we can get caught up in an way of thinking that keeps us separated from others or we can embrace life and let everyone in.
In truth we are all esoteric, it just depends on how much we are truly living our true self – simple.
It is so simple, true love has no trace of judgement in it. By nominating any thoughts, behaviours or choices we make that are laced with judgement, this is our first step towards love. We need honesty in all areas of our life in order to step onto our journey of return to love.
It is so easy to judge others for what we ourselves are not giving…
So true Lieke, it always comes back to our relationship with ourselves, how much are we willing to love ourselves reflects how much we are willing to love others.
Firstly, how great is it that we can be called to see truth through comedy?! Secondly, when we let ourselves fall into the pit of judgement we then have to justify our position, there is nothing loving about that and I have come to know the Esoteric as being all about Love.
Absolutely love what you have shared here Lucy – humour is paramount for us to handle our ‘doosies’ – well really, we don’t have to have humour to get by in life but it sure makes a huge difference! And justification is a way of digging ourselves deeper into the pit of ‘self’ – that part of ourselves that is simply resisting taking responsibility.
I love the great honesty and humbleness you use to expose the lies we can live Fumiyo. Judgement is not born of love. It is born of all we use to fight it. Living esoterically is about returning to our innermost – a place that is in no way exclusive but shared by all others.
Beautiful words Liane – ‘Judgement is not born of love’ and living esoterically is all inclusive and always about returning to the innermost that is a space that is shared by all. GOLD.
Brotherhood can be challenging to accept, especially when identification has been the way for so long. But I always firmly hold on to the fact that we are endlessly given more and more opportunities to have another go, to learn each lesson once agin, until it is no longer needed. Brotherhood is a big one however, and I feel that it will take us quite a while as a collective humanity to really get to grips with this one.
In our connection to love we see and know the divinity, the Godliness that we are in essence and also know that this is who we all equally are in essence. It is only in our separation to our essence that we behave in ungodly ways, yet in essence we remain unchanged.
The moment we think that we are the “only ones” then we have separated from ourselves and each other.
It’s a good point Elizabeth, that to be separated from each other and brotherhood we first have to separate from ourselves.
A very honest sharing where you are able to discern where your part in comparison is. The fact is we are only different by our choices, and so it is about respecting others make different decisions but to remember we are all from the same place.
We easily judge. Sometimes I feel it every second.
It is a choice, always.
Judgement makes our heart close for the others, and equally so to ourselves and mostly the judgement start because we have a judgement on ourselves.
Yes, that is the hardest bit to understand, that the judgement we have and place on another is affecting ourselves twofold. If we lived and moved in a kinder way with ourselves then we would find the judgement was no longer part and parcel of our make up.
When your movements are propelled by identification, you learn to move in a certain way and to judge others based on what you identify in their movements.
We are never and can never be the only one because in essence we are all the same.
So true Elizabeth – we are all sparks of God, all borne of His light and so the can be no difference in who we are in essence, the lightness of our being, our innate beingness.
We are all the same, and we are all connected.
We are all the One.
What I have come to understand is the true meaning of Esoteric – which is living from our inner-most. Sure I can choose to want to explore this, but it does not make me any more than anyone else – simply because every single one of us has an innermost – the only difference is some people choose to explore it.
Judgement always comes with a mixing bag of others emotions that lead us far from the true choices that are offered when we bring respect and decency to our everyday movements.
Isn’t it fascinating how often the things we judge others for the most is often something we actually are doing ourselves, it’s super wise to always bring it back to ourselves and not continue to focus on others, we’re all learning after all.
Judgement does not bring us anywhere and it does not belong to us either. When we judge we separate ourselves form another which is not our natural way of living, that is – connect to our inner most, the esoteric.
When we come to the point that we reconnect to that innermost quality, our essence, the esoteric, we can have disturbing thoughts in which we may think we are the only ones and is explainable from where we come. But that is far from the truth because we are all esoteric by nature, but we only have to activate it, which is mostly done by having experienced a reflection from one who is already living from that place.
It’s a great point about how we can have preconceived thoughts or judgements that then cloud our perception of others rather than being open to see what is there in the moment.
An easy trip up that many of us have tripped into…”Here I was, judging the others’ choices as loveless, while I was the one who was holding back that love…” we get in to our heads that people are not being loving and react to it and do not realise we are choosing exactly that ourselves….it is so important to look at where we judge, others or ourselves and be honest about it.
Sure Samantha, in judgement there is always an aspect of ourselves to look at. Possibly we use it to mask these areas we are not taking full responsibility for yet.
The moment we are in ‘trying to be” mode, the less likely we are to be able to connect to this. With esoteric simply meaning our inner most, a very natural untouched place within us, we don’t need to try to do anything. In fact the more we try the more roadblocks we place in our path. When we try to be something there is a picture of what that something looks like. So therefore we are setting ourself up to not re-connect with our inner most because trying does not work.
We do this in so many ways, we sometimes can seclude ourselves and think that we’re the only person who is going through something and in that ignorance miss out on the fact that our friends and family could be going through something too.
‘Do I discern, or do I judge?’ An easy way to tell: do we feel expanded and solid in our discernment, or controlling and squashing with our judgment? Discernment brings us closer to living more of who we really are, and judgment take us further away from feeling and enjoying that innate connection to ourselves, and others.
Once we disconnect from the love that resides in us we are at the mercy of the what is not love, the abusive behaviours and thoughts, the lack of self worth and self bashing, you name it.
It is interesting to look at our behaviour, how much we relate our behaviour to other people we live with or see on the streets. I experience that there is a constant tendency to compare, and then not in the way to feel equal like in the esoteric, but more so to distinguish myself from the other, am I more or less. It is all on the same scale comparison is delivering while we do not live the love that the esoteric brings to us.
Yes, the world is full of beautiful people who respond when they are presented with love and beauty. That has been a revelation for me to experience this.
“I don’t allow and honour my own feelings fully, so this leaves an opening for judgement to be formed very, very quickly – about the subject, and also about myself for making that judgement itself.” This is a great one, I am finding there is judgement in so many areas that we are not aware of because it is a reflection we are seeing and feeling around us all the time! Great to choose to be more aware of it and then not react when it starts to reveal itself… Top tip: it may feel a bit overwhelming but the less you take it personally and beat yourself up for it the quicker it passes.
It is true, Fumiyo, an amazing number of people respond when you approach them with love. Some don’t but many others are so positive, something I didn’t expect.
That is true Christoph, we tend to only clock the ones that do not accept the love we present, but indeed there are so much more people that do accept and embrace it in full.
And it is those moments of acceptance and embracing that are pure gold… and totally worth appreciating and celebrating.
Such a great insight Adele, and very humorous which is a great way to look at what we don’t want to look at! A dose of humour goes a long way in lifting the mask of ill living ways.
I love this metaphor Fumiyo, as we can so easily separate ourselves from another in our differences and choices and all the time we are love in our innermost essence.
I loved that Fumiyo, so honest and exposing of the spirits choices to stay individual, quite happily bastardising truth to fit it agenda.
Yes, and making self-bashing and remaining in the cycle of making mistakes and bashing oneself a popular pastime.
‘The old beliefs, the judgements – do not stand a chance against the True Love.’ Spot on Fumiyo, true love doesn’t need to judge or hold ideals and beliefs as it simply just is.
When there is the slightest hint of judgement in any moment, then anything expressed thereafter can be loveless, empty and can cause great harm to ourselves and others until we are willing to be honest. By being open to clearing, by being open to understanding the root cause of the judgment and by nominating why we felt that way opens up opportunities for us to learn and grow.
Judgement is an empty movement in separation that combines blaming with supremacy. Certainly, it is not the way forward and does not lead anywhere, not even confirms the one judging because what confirms is not true.
“The old beliefs, the judgements – do not stand a chance against the True Love.” With True Love anything is possible.
‘the world could be full of equally beautiful people, just like me?’ when we choose to be part of the world from loving ourselves, we will see and feel everyone is equally beautiful .
When we don’t found our interactions with others on both love and understanding, judgment can easily slip into the equation and completely sabotage the potential of the interaction.
It is interesting, and I have definitely been caught out by this before – to think that for one to be ‘esoteric’ they have to be ‘involved’ with the work of Universal Medicine. When this is simply not the case. An Esoteric Inner-Heart resides in each person because that is the way the human body is energetically made. There is a connection to the soul within everyone and so there can be no exclusivity. Therefore an ‘Esoteric’ life is merely a practise in the movements that openly work to acknowledge that soul-full connection, a connection that is already there, the Esoteric life does not create it or make it happen, it just lets the soul out to be a part of our expression.
This is a very significant point you make, Shami, that living an Esoteric live does not create the soul-full connection, instead it confirms it and in that confirmation, our expression becomes increasingly soulful.
When we try to be something that we are not, the effort can turn into a judgement of others, for we have already felt that we have taken something on that is not true to ourselves.
Yes so true, I had this conversation with someone yesterday about the enthusiasm that can come in when we find something that works for us and wanting it for everyone else without actually having lived it in full to discern if it is indeed right for your body or just right in your head. It can bring in a whole heap of judgment, trying and justification when it is a theory not a practice
It’s very true that the moment we stop choosing to be love everything that is not love pours in.
Very much so and when we are love we very much notice what we left in the past that is not love and we have the opportunity to discard it.
” This is about my trying to be esoteric ” its quite funny for truly we cannot try to be esoteric , for we are all truly esoteric and trying to be what we are will never work. Its like a dog trying to be a dog its just not possible.
Such a beautiful and clearly exposing article on how we can hold ourselves above and aloof from others, believing we are better, greater or more knowledgeable but in truth we are holding ourselves away from the possibility that there is love and support and great wisdom in everyone we meet and in holding back we are not in fact reflecting any of our so called love and wisdom we think we have.
” because when a separative perception takes over the Truth for me to experience the world this way, that’s no longer esoteric. ” This is very true but the esoteric (inner-most) still lives even though its not being expressed. Thank you for sharing Fumiyo.
“the world could be full of equally beautiful people, just like me?” When we choose to be aware of the beauty within ourselves we see it reflected back in others.
Gorgeous to read again and such a powerful reminder to be humble and how easy it is to be arrogant and complacent.
To live esoterically simply means to live from our inner most. Hence the irony if we are get caught up TRYING to live from this space, because the very act of trying indicates we are being way laid simply because we cannot ever try to be something we already are. Game over.
Absolutely — we are offered the world by this blog. We can do this with any thing in life – exclude ourselves from others, but we learn from this blog that this is simply an illusion.
Thats so great, its amazing who we meet and how incredible people are when we open up to meeting everyone equally no matter who they are or what they do. Often I find I am deeply surprised!
Brilliant – so true.. There is no “The Only one in the village”, and judgement is no expression of love. So whenever we exclude ourselves from the whole, that we are, is saying no to the key responsibility we have – be your part of the whole in full integrity to it.
If we observe ourselves playfully we have an opportunity to choose truth.
I still marvel in complete awe of just how finely tuned our bodies are in sending us specific messages, alerting us to the truth we need to be aware of in any moment. What a blessing it is to have our own personal guide with this degree of finesse, that lets us know whenever we step away from being all the love that we innately are.
When we only know ourselves to be the misfit or loner we have made the choice to be that and obviously it gives us something (identification) even when we are suffering the negative consequences that come with it. We really need to get to the truth of why we are doing what we are doing otherwise we are lost in the illusion of being helpless, overwhelmed or fighting life whereby we are actually the creators of our own fate.
As long as we seek for identification so that we can make it about us in contrast or separation to others we will compare and judge. All of that is the opposite of esoteric but nevertheless needs to be dealt with as part of the esoteric journey back to the esoteric, i.e. the essence within, hence the process of discarding the lies and patterns and ideals and beliefs that make us blind to the truth.
‘So I had to ask myself – do I discern, or do I judge?’ A great question to ponder on – are we truly observing.
This feels like an important observation – the one about not allowing and honouring our feelings fully. It’s almost as if if we don’t read and appreciate in full what we feel, the process is corrupted from the start. This is as much about observing, reading, understanding and accepting as anything else.
Stunning article, Fumiyo, super-insightful and super-honest. That phrase ‘…love starts leaking…’ is sublime and describes perfectly the process. Yes, when we’re busy judging there’s not a lot of love in the house! Love your surrender into the humorous aspect of what you’d created as well.
This is one of the most beautifully honest and powerful blogs I’ve ever read. I can really relate to comparing myself to others and hoping I’m the only one with ‘the truth’ ha! It really is very funny. The more I get honest with myself the more I can appreciate that everyone has a connection to truth and when any one chooses truth we all benefit.
‘The more I get honest with myself the more I can appreciate that everyone has a connection to truth and when any one chooses truth we all benefit.’ Beautifully said Leonne, as through honesty we come to the truth, and in truth we are all equal, and our expression from here is one that represents and honors all of us.
Beautiful Carola, I love that, because it brings back our purpose of where we come from
And where we need to stand for our truth, very solid.
Truth is on tap each step we take. The responsibility is in whether we choose to turn the tap on and let it trinkle or flow.
Lovely, Fumiyo. Your honesty is inspirational and what you present here is an illusion that is very easy to fall for – the oxymoron, which you so delightfully expose.
I love the absolute honesty here Fumiyo. Its something I have felt myself before and it is very uncomfortable to admit it to ourselves, but it is only in exposing these separative thoughts and actions that we can unify into the Oneness and Brotherhood we all so desperately, if unconsciously seek.
We all without exception have a soul, and are intrinsically full of love. Can we see it in another, can we always make a point of connecting to that rather than any other behaviour that is layered on top for whatever reason? Failure to do so just exposes our own judgements and reactions, which is equally something to be learnt and observed.
Great blog Fumiyo, when we separate ourselves from others we separate ourselves for who we truly are too.
The moment we ‘try’ we are gone, lost to the jaws of a beast that seeks to keep us from the truth of who we are. We are love first before we are anything else, therefore what is the depth of the illusion we are ensnared by if we in any way try to be something we already are?
It’s so easy to tick the box of being “esoteric”, but that’s more a doing and a trying, and it can become a label that makes us separate from others. But if we aren’t being love and living from the connection to our innermost heart then we aren’t truly living esoterically. It’s something that is so simple yet boy do we know how to complicate and reinterpret things. Thanks for your honest expression Fumiyo.
I love this blog. It is a total illusion to think that we are the “only” one who feels like we do. Underneath all the protection that we put up we are in fact all the same.
We all have spikes and defenses – the fact we can see others more easily does not take away from the fact and we should take heed of what we bring to situation. Its why getting some help and being open to others is so important, because they can see things are so obvious, unless you are living them as your way not realising how wayward they are.
A great example of how easily we can judge, I love the honesty you share, ‘Here I was, judging the others’ choices as loveless, while I was the one who was holding back that love because I was disconnected and could not feel it inside me.’
I love the very real and revealing awareness you raise Fumiyo, we can kid ourselves for only so long, but underneath there is always a well of love waiting to be lived through us with everyone.
‘Here I was, judging the others’ choices as loveless, while I was the one who was holding back that love because I was disconnected and could not feel it inside me – hence the belief that said I would be less if I acknowledged the others’ glory.’ Wow, something to appreciate here, how you have let yourself feel the falseness of what you had gone into. I can relate to what you are sharing, for me it comes down to cherish and honour the relationship I have with myself first and from there I cannot but share my embodied love with others.
Honesty is one of the key tools we need to embrace when tackling judgement. we judge more than we realise and it is one great barrier to letting another in. Who likes being judged?
When we value and appreciate who we are, there is less room for judgement and a greater awareness and understanding of others and the ways in which the world works. When we connect and value who we are, we then connect to the quality of movements that allows us to discern and move in a way that supports us to make decisions and our natural abilities to observe the world without judgement just a full heart of honesty, openness to learn and oodles of understanding of the whole picture and that is a pretty cool outlook for any village, city, state or country to consider.
I like what you are sharing here Fumiyo, it is a great example how that what we put out into the world is reflected back to us.
We are vehicles of either truth or the picture of what we think truth is. This is the reason why many clash externally, and internally. I do my best to not hold back – this helps me discover the false beliefs, but also confirms what is true. I had an interview today and was ‘stumped’ by a question. I then found myself in nervousness and the interviewer asked me if I was. I was real and honest – I found the empowerment from it and was able to answer later on anyway. I didn’t get the job but I felt the power in being myself and my potential. It was profound. This was more valuable to feel inside than to get the job. More importantly they got to feel this too. I was honouring me which was inclusive to them and all around me.
Very true, ‘Once there’s an opening, love starts leaking and what’s not love is so fast to take charge and make the whole thing so complicated and emotionally charged.’ Key here is to close and heal our openings, which I am still working on.
So true Fumiyo – the more love we know in ourselves the more love and equalness we offer another person. Life is definitely not just about us getting there but us all getting there together.
The judgements we have of ourselves is our trick of wanting to cap ourselves in limitedness when in truth we are always expansive and grand. This becomes judgements towards others and voila we have made judgement and separation rather than appreciation and love, our normal.
Very timely to read your comment Adele, especially about how the judgements towards ourselves are a trick to cap us and confirm we are small instead of what is true how we are always expansive and grand.
It is true Fumiyo how quickly a judgemental thought can come in when we are not being loving ourselves. We can so easily carry the arrogance of being the ‘only ‘eso’ in the village’, an arrogance that I have felt in myself too, when there are many who live lovingly and deeply caring, but do not need to make sure the world knows about it.
A great reminder Fumiyo to not get caught up in the separation but rather be open to the fact that we are all the same we just need to remember who we are.
Great blog Fumiyo and I love your honesty. There is a part of us that can really get off on being the only gay in the village. But it’s not the part of us that seeks truth, in fact it’s the part of us that seeks to keep us from truth.