By Fumiyo Egashira, Japan
This is about my trying to be esoteric and discerning, but because there was no self-love to begin with, I ended up being judgemental. This was exposed through my noticing of a sense of ‘relief’ which followed an uncomfortable sensation in my body: this ‘contraction/relief’ mechanism was traced back to an old belief I had held.
The other day, when I was checking out what my friends were getting up to, reading about what they were recommending – practitioners/presenters/modalities/methods/events etc – I noticed something: I felt as if I was looking for an evidence, a clue to form a judgement and to satisfy myself that they were not esoteric, not of truth, and actually feeling almost relieved when I decided that they were not. Relieved as if I somehow believed that it would make me less if they turned out to be of truth.
A very similar belief actually came up during my session with an Esoteric practitioner a long time ago, and I thought I had got over it.
This realisation horrified me, pushing me into deep self-loathing and shame, then reminded me of something which made me laugh out loud: ‘The Only Gay in the Village’ – a sketch in a British comedy series called ‘Little Britain’.
In this sketch, this gay guy is dressed and behaving in a very obvious gay manner. He basically shuts himself off from the world, refusing to make connections, and remains aloof, claiming ‘he is the only gay in the whole village’ – while in fact there is another who is willing to embrace him into the community. He likes his position of being the only one so much that he blatantly refuses to accept that there is another gay in the village.
I am not gay, and I don’t live in a village, but wasn’t I separating and excluding myself from the others just like this character while whinging about not having anyone nearby who understands me and my choices – when in fact, the world could be full of equally beautiful people, just like me?
What’s also poignant is this: in this sketch, it is hinted that this ‘gay’ guy may not really be gay after all – this stopped me. This is just so exposing, embarrassingly so.
Here I was, judging the others’ choices as loveless, while I was the one who was holding back that love because I was disconnected and could not feel it inside me – hence the belief that said I would be less if I acknowledged the others’ glory.
I was desperately looking for that missing part – love – knowing it could not be found outside myself, yet I kept looking out, until I convinced myself that the world had let me down.
So I had to ask myself – do I discern, or do I judge?
It is probable that I do discern correctly. But something else can happen as well.
What has often taken place is this:
I don’t allow and honour my own feelings fully, so this leaves an opening for judgement to be formed very, very quickly – about the subject, and also about myself for making that judgement itself. Once there’s an opening, love starts leaking and what’s not love is so fast to take charge and make the whole thing so complicated and emotionally charged.
I could have gone on to beating myself up for falling for that, but that sketch was way too funny and I had to surrender.
After all, “The Only Esoteric in the Village” in itself is oxymoronic – because when a separative perception takes over the Truth for me to experience the world this way, that’s no longer esoteric.
The old beliefs, the judgements – do not stand a chance against the True Love.