Learning to Let Go of Control Over Life to Being Open to People

I have never considered myself wanting control over life or being a controlling person who is not open to people. My version of ‘control’ is someone who places undue influence over another. I have thought that when I am with other people I am never dictatorial or dominating. Instead, I have generally felt that I am an ‘easy going’ person who seems fair and ‘goes with the flow’.

As an ‘easy going’ person, I would often find myself:

  • Being very easy to please,
  • Not saying a lot, and
  • Agreeing with what my friends would like to do.

To me as an ‘easy going’ person, I would have never thought that I was harming anyone or me in any way.

I have been discovering recently though, that I have often placed more control over life than I would ever have first thought. I am realising when I am with other people that:

  • I have held back what I am really feeling so as not to make anyone uncomfortable. I would often feel very clearly something may not be quite right with a situation or circumstance I may be in. It seemed though, that to honour my feelings would be an impediment or a hassle to others. I remember when I was at school assemblies many years ago and sometimes needing to use the bathroom during the middle of the proceedings. It seemed from early occurrences that not only were the people around me disrupted when I went, but so were the speakers and teachers. I quickly learned that holding on and putting up with my own discomfort was easier than the discomfort of feeling the imposition I seemed to make on others when I did choose to honour my feelings.
  • My life has been riddled with moments of silence. This is often felt as an awkward silence where I would hold back things I wanted to express to someone but never felt that I could. It felt like there was this great weight holding my voice back and it seemed too difficult to voice what I wanted to say. I would subsequently find out on many occasions that what I wanted to say was actually something the other person needed to hear because it would have really helped them with their day. One of these examples happened to me recently after grocery shopping when talking with the checkout lady, where I wished I had said what a lovely person she was and how much care I could feel she placed in doing a quality job. I could feel she seemed a little down at the time and I wanted to share exactly what I was feeling about her: instead I said nothing.
  • Often with friends, organising a get-together had to be focussed around ‘doing’ – an activity or some form of stimulation – like a movie. I would find myself thinking “What are we going to do after we finish the activity together?” It seemed like being with the other person and not doing anything would be too boring and I always felt like I had to do something with them to cover that up. What happened to the days when I was young where I could lie on the riverbank and cloud-gaze with a friend… and have the most fun from the simplicity of doing very little?

These memories of being with others have showed me that I often control the situation to make sure the activities I do with friends do not create moments where we could just talk and get to know each other better. It almost seems like a shield of protection.

Holding back what I am feeling helps me to ensure that I will not get rejected from my friends for doing or saying something that they would not like.

I have felt that being silent helped me by ensuring that others will not get put off or reject me for the truth that I would bring to situations.

I realised the pattern of doing things and wanting to be kept busy when I hung out with people helps to ensure the others don’t see me for who I am. It helps to minimise the rejection for being someone that they may not like.

What if using control over life as a protective shield didn’t help me at all? What if being more of a controlling person in these situations actually hurt me?

Since realising this, I have gotten rid of my protective shield and been more open to people than ever before. I have been sharing my smile, imparting my joy and most of all being more of me. I can see now that I choose to be comfortable by using control over life (in the disguise of an easy going person who was actually being a controlling person) instead of being me, the joy I am, in each moment of my life.

This was inspired by the joyful way I am forever seeing my friends and family live on a daily basis. Through Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon I have been guided to open up and be more of the amazing man I am.

By Joshua Campbell (21), Living in Christchurch New Zealand

301 thoughts on “Learning to Let Go of Control Over Life to Being Open to People

  1. I can relate to using control like this Joshua. It is great to expose the more subtle ways of control that appear innocent or easy going however are as manipulative as the more expressive and obvious ways.

  2. Thank you Joshua for offering such a great insight to how controlling plays out in the subtle but equally as harmful ways. I can relate to much of what you have shared as I too had prided myself for being easy going. However in all honesty this actually translated to not wanting to bring the truth, all of me, to any situation or interaction. So instead I controlled myself to not speak up or share what I felt, and just went along with what was happening or being said so I would fit in and feel accepted. I now realise that holding back my truth is not only harmful for myself and others, but that it is actually a form of abuse as I am disregarding who I am. Not honoring or expressing the truth I feel, is withholding that which does not belong to me, is in fact universal and is there to be shared with all. I have actually discovered that it is far easier and feels far freer being myself, than is does seeking acceptance through controlling and as such fogoing who I naturally am.

  3. Control is often thought as open, explicit, visible. The thing is that it does not have to be the case. We are true masters in controlling situations for whatever reason we associate with a personal benefit. We know how to work around whatever is in the way to get where we feel we have to go. We get enormously frustrated when this attempt is challenged somehow and we tend to plea purity on those occasions. Come on!!

  4. Is not speaking the truth being controlling? Such a great question! It’s true we have analysed a situation and we have made the choice to hold back what is needed – so we are in fact manipulating the situation to protect ourselves – what an eye opener.

  5. I can so relate to all that is shared here. Especially in how much we hurt ourselves by holding back what we could deliver to the world. But hurting ourselves is just the tip of the iceberg. If we begin to feel the truth of who we are, we begin to understand that we are this, for all. So in holding back we are causing the greatest harm to humanity, that which, I feel, we cannot yet fully comprehend.

  6. How to stay in the reduction of existence and choose to not be aware of the vastness and energetic flow of movement we are part of is to be in control.

  7. I can really relate to that control to avoid feeling settled in a relationship. Not settled in that the relationship reaches a point and stops but feeling completely content just being myself and sharing that with another. Writing this it does make me wonder, are all these games worth having the end result of drama and misery?
    I am starting to see and feel that I am, we are worth more than that.

  8. Wanting to please others and do the right thing to get them on your side isn’t seen as controlling but is actually pretty manipulative. When we allow ourselves to just be, nothing else can compare to that feeling – and the control and need for others to like us just melts away.

  9. It is interesting to see how something like easy going as you describe here can be actually be quite opposite in its actual meaning to what it’s thought to be.

  10. I can relate to this holding back in ‘expressing how we really feel’ thing you speak of here Joshua and the control I have to exert on myself to continually go against the natural truth and feelings that are flowing and bubbling up through me all the time. It is exhausting really and I can feel is a real pressure on my body.

  11. What you have expressed in this blog Joshua I can really relate to; I can feel the hurt, harm and damage I inflict on myself by holding back; let alone what harm I cause to others. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom.

  12. Thanks for sharing this article! The ways and level we use control give our life the perception it is going a certain way is quite destrctictive, to families, relationships and ourselves because it is always like setting a certain tone, but forgetting there is greater tones for us to reach.

  13. A really elaborate and insightful blog Josh about how holding back what we feel we naturally have to express, as big or as small as that is has a massive effect on those around us, and how our part within the whole is vitally important – equal to everyone else’s.

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