248 thoughts on “Learning to Let Go of Control Over Life to Being Open to People”

1. Being more me… it can be so simple or we can wrap it in up in a million different ways to do the opposite. Simple works for me!

2. ‘What happened to the days when I was young where I could lie on the riverbank and cloud-gaze with a friend… and have the most fun from the simplicity of doing very little?’ I get a real sense of innocence and openness and just the joy of being together as one.

3. What a great expose of the many forms control can take. We think of controlling as a very overt and obvious kind of dictatorship or bullying, but it can be what might be termed ‘passive-aggressive’ as well… A kind of withholding of oneself as a silent protest at the injustices of the world or situation.

4. Holding back is a draining and exhausting way to live life, and so controlling! I too have used the holding back and staying silent methods so much that they’ve become ingrained patterns of behaviours that are not the easiest to let go of, but I can feel how holding back causes complication and confusion and disharmony, every time. It’s controlling and disruptive to hold something back that is there to be said.

5. Its quite funny to know that not committing ones full self to life is controlling and its the most sinister form of control as it gives one the impressing that one is the opposite .

   1. Great point, John – the extreme is when we we make it look as though we’re committed but really are just going through the motions, so it’s a double whammy of control – not committing to life first of all, and then adding to it by pretending that we are.

6. I can relate to so much in this blog especially the ‘easy going’, person who kept the peace and held back from expressing as it would make others feel uncomfortable, but in fact I was only hurting myself and playing small – mainly lack of self-worth. Over the years I have worked on and healed my hurts that today I can express what is there to be expressed and that feels very freeing and also at the same time supports me to deepen the trust I have with myself.

7. There are so many ways of control, the very obvious ones and the less obvious you describe here Joshua, being easy going and not demanding, but in fact this one is just as controlling. I recognise what you say here about control being about protection, I know when I am in control, really I’m just looking out for me and I’m missing the bigger picture and in fact I’m not me, and everything feels awkward and often contrived. When I let go and am more open with myself and others then things are different and life is more of a flow and there is much more of a meeting and connection with those I am with. This feels a more natural way to be and it’s a so much more expansive and joyful way to live.

8. I loved what you shared Joshua it seemed to be very much how I have navigated through life, going with the flow, watching what I say and relating by always doing with people, that way I could be with people and keep me hidden, safe, very controlling to say the least, I was amazed when I first heard this explained to me, it was hard for me to see this at first, but when I did I realised that I was holding me back and not accepting me and not allowing others to see the real me.

9. I have come to the realisation that if I do not value myself and feel my worth, I walk through life expecting rejection and therefore feel isolated and constantly having to prove myself to others. Yet another way of controlling everything and everyone around me.

10. An inspiring read Joshua. So much energy is poured into what others think, we all know it, and we often talk about it, but for some reason often we’re not prepared to cut the cycle of it. Thanks for doing your bit to remind us that it’s not that big a deal and that the quality of relationship can be greatly improved when we are not sitting back discounting ourselves and being ‘nice’.

11. It’s ironic we try to control situations as a form of protection, because it offers us zero protection. Everyone can see the game we’re playing and it’s so obvious when we’re not being ourselves. We generally want other people to be themselves, yet when it comes to us, we sometimes think that it’s not enough – so we bring in complication and control, instead of accepting and just being all that we are in full, without holding it back.

    1. “We generally want other people to be themselves, yet when it comes to us, we sometimes think that it’s not enough – so we bring in complication and control, instead of accepting and just being all that we are in full, without holding it back.” Brilliantly said Bryony. And in our lack of acceptance we are exerting control over what can happen around us.

12. Who would have thought that the ‘easy going’ person was actually more controlling than not! Perhaps they are not outwardly controlling situations but they are certainly controlling the volumes of wisdom, love and honouring of the body that could otherwise be lived.

13. I love your smile and the joy you bring, great that you are now sharing this with more people, ‘I can see now that I choose to be comfortable by using control over life (in the disguise of an easy going person who was actually being a controlling person) instead of being me, the joy I am, in each moment of my life.’

14. Thank you Joshua in exploring all those situations and for bringing it back to the core of simply allowing ourselves to be who we are in full, and to express what we feel openly with others. It’ a much more simple way to live than the myriad of situations we find ourselves in by holding ourselves back.

15. I relate to holding back things I have felt to say.. For me it usually is only held back from one situational event before where I was shutdown. I am sensitive and know what I know. Like you say Joshua expressing you and all you need to say can be the most wonderous gift for another to receive that can change their day and life. When I understand and have accepted my expression is not for myself but for another it is unhealthy to hold back.

16. ‘What if using control over life as a protective shield didn’t help me at all? What if being more of a controlling person in these situations actually hurt me?’ I agree Joshua it is truly harming and it has its effect on our body and also we are depriving people of the reflection they actually need to get by making it about ourselves.

17. Thank you Josh – the examples you give are not the things we normally associate with control but they are common and reveal that control shows itself in many ways. The thing with control is that it robs us of the opportunity to truly connect with ourselves and with others.

18. Great to be exposing these subtle, but still harmful forms of control, I love your honesty Josh.

19. I too used to think I was an open and easy-going person until I realised I was keeping people out by asking questions about them. I was genuinely interested but it was a very safe way to have a conversation- me ask all the questions and not have to answer any. Truth is I would have loved to share about myself but I didn’t think anyone was interested – mainly because I kept them busy asking questions about them! Even when a question did come my way I would answer very quickly and superficially – minising the amount of time I was the focus of attention. Great to express that 🙂

    1. Gosh Lucy I can relate to what you’ve expressed here, it as if I was not allowed (I did not allow myself) to take space. Open and easy-going in this way is just playing the game of niceness.

20. I love this blog Joshua. Control can show itself in many forms but the more willing we are to see them the more likely we are to free ourselves.

21. Control is a great way of letting the mind dominate life at the expense of the body and it’s living universal wisdom.

22. This is an interesting view on what being easy going is really about. Thank you for your insights Joshua.

23. Being easy going, or being nice is the cloak of a person not willing to walk as who they are in the world.

24. I can totally relate to this measuring of how much of me I would let others see. I too thought it was about me just holding back and stopping something potentially disturbing from affecting others therefore was less of the harm. But what I have overlooked was that when we stop the truth from being expressed, something else is getting expressed. It is not possible for us not to be expressing something with our every breath. The more I commit to bringing love into the way I am with myself, the easier and more natural it seems to get for me to express and share the truth with others.

25. What are the chances of reading two of your blogs on the same day Joshua. Both written when you were 21. I’m so blown away by your openness and willingness to lay it all out and be vulnerable at an age where you are being absolutely bombarded by society to be the complete opposite. Incredible. A true role model for anyone of any age!

26. Brilliantly exposed and elucidated upon Joshua. Do we actually take responsibility for the part we play when we hold back our expression with others – of the love, care and truth we inherently know?
    This is absolutely a form of protection and keeping our lives ‘safe’ and in control – that we ‘fly under the radar’ so to speak…
    What if this ‘low flying’ does no-one any true good whatsoever, and it actually harmful? These are questions for all of us to ask ourselves, in consideration of how much of our life is about oneself only, in negation of the greater whole of which we are an intrinsic part, and in which we rightly deserve to PLAY our part, in full measure.

27. A really elaborate and insightful blog Josh about how holding back what we feel we naturally have to express, as big or as small as that is has a massive effect on those around us, and how our part within the whole is vitally important – equal to everyone else’s.

28. Thanks for sharing this article! The ways and level we use control give our life the perception it is going a certain way is quite destrctictive, to families, relationships and ourselves because it is always like setting a certain tone, but forgetting there is greater tones for us to reach.

29. What you have expressed in this blog Joshua I can really relate to; I can feel the hurt, harm and damage I inflict on myself by holding back; let alone what harm I cause to others. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom.

30. I can relate to this holding back in ‘expressing how we really feel’ thing you speak of here Joshua and the control I have to exert on myself to continually go against the natural truth and feelings that are flowing and bubbling up through me all the time. It is exhausting really and I can feel is a real pressure on my body.

31. It is interesting to see how something like easy going as you describe here can be actually be quite opposite in its actual meaning to what it’s thought to be.

32. Wanting to please others and do the right thing to get them on your side isn’t seen as controlling but is actually pretty manipulative. When we allow ourselves to just be, nothing else can compare to that feeling – and the control and need for others to like us just melts away.

33. I can really relate to that control to avoid feeling settled in a relationship. Not settled in that the relationship reaches a point and stops but feeling completely content just being myself and sharing that with another. Writing this it does make me wonder, are all these games worth having the end result of drama and misery?
    I am starting to see and feel that I am, we are worth more than that.

34. How to stay in the reduction of existence and choose to not be aware of the vastness and energetic flow of movement we are part of is to be in control.

35. I can so relate to all that is shared here. Especially in how much we hurt ourselves by holding back what we could deliver to the world. But hurting ourselves is just the tip of the iceberg. If we begin to feel the truth of who we are, we begin to understand that we are this, for all. So in holding back we are causing the greatest harm to humanity, that which, I feel, we cannot yet fully comprehend.

36. Is not speaking the truth being controlling? Such a great question! It’s true we have analysed a situation and we have made the choice to hold back what is needed – so we are in fact manipulating the situation to protect ourselves – what an eye opener.

    1. Yes..trying to control the outcome, e.g. another’s reaction, is extremely controlling, yet most of us do this all the time in everyday conversations – calibrating and measuring, how much can I say here, how should I phrase that…what’s the easiest way of presenting this so that my message will be understood and I’ll be accepted instead of rejected. What if we all got over our fear of rejection and our need to be accepted? Could true communication, where we truly met the other person without needing anything from them, flourish, and would our relationships thrive as a result? Worth experimenting with.

37. Control is often thought as open, explicit, visible. The thing is that it does not have to be the case. We are true masters in controlling situations for whatever reason we associate with a personal benefit. We know how to work around whatever is in the way to get where we feel we have to go. We get enormously frustrated when this attempt is challenged somehow and we tend to plea purity on those occasions. Come on!!

38. Control is often so much more than we see initially, there’s the obvious loud control, and the quieter not speaking up control you talk of here. I’ve played many of that latter group in my life, holding myself and my joy back to fit into an image (usually mine) of what another expects and in that I am just putting up a paper mirage out front while the me that is there behind waiting and real is not expressed, and you know what the more I open up the more people and situations surprise me and the more light and joyful life is. Thanks for reminding me Joshua.

39. ‘I can see now that I choose to be comfortable by using control over life (in the disguise of an easy going person who was actually being a controlling person) instead of being me, the joy I am, in each moment of my life.’ I agree Joshua it is a comfort to hold back and please others, it is manipulative way to get someone where you want them without showing yourself hence the control to protect yourself. And how wonderful you now share your joy so openly, a joy that is very contagious.

40. As very simple example helped me to understand the extent to which we can hold back – if we feel to say hello to someone on the bus or the street and then don’t. This has a physical and energetic effect in our body that then makes it harder to express the next time. It’s like training our body to accept the physical pain of holding back so that it becomes so normal that we don’t even notice we’re doing it.

41. Great blog, Joshua, very powerful and wise. I love what you have expressed here, very inspirational;
    “I can see now that I choose to be comfortable by using control over life (in the disguise of an easy going person who was actually being a controlling person) instead of being me, the joy I am, in each moment of my life”.

42. I have used business and activity as a shield of protection, it a great thing to expose, as it hinders true intimacy in relationships. Obvious control is easy to spot but people pleasing silence can often go undiagnosed and lead to further untruthful ways of living.

43. I share your inspiration Joshua, thank you for the blog

44. Joshua I love your honesty and what you have exposed about control as I am sure there are many people who can relate to it as well – I definitely can!

45. Control is just as subtle as it can be overbearing. Great to see this exposed in this way Joshua – calling it out for the rest of us to take a look at it.

46. So awesome Joshua. I notice you were 21 when you wrote this, that, in itself is incredible!! To have or rather to be willing to be that aware of your choices and then be responsible for them is exceptionally inspiring. Keep shining your light, Chirstchurch needs you!

47. A great reminder to recognise when I slip into control mode and don’t speak out, or expect that others will not value what I have to share. I then slip into judgement as well. The important thing is to value ourselves enough to share who we are! Thank you Joshua.

48. It is interesting how we can allow what another is feeling to hold us back from expressing. Recently I immediately could feel another was feeling down and tired when I met them. The behaviour I would have gone into would have been to shut myself down and be dismissive of what I felt but this time was different. I allowed myself to feel as much as I could. There did get a point where I didn’t want to feel anymore and wanted to cut myself off but I clocked it and stayed with it and observed myself and the other. I can feel as I write this comment how controlling it is if I had shut myself down completely simply because I didn’t want to see where the other was at.

49. I can relate to so much in this very powerful blog, just sitting pondering on all that you have presented here Joshua I realise just how controlling I have been in the past and still am presently. I have used control by holding back what I feel to express to control situations so others don’t feel uncomfortable but mostly so I am not seen as the wise and powerful woman I truly am. When I hold back and control my expression I feel awful in my body and go into the cycle of holding back then beat myself up for holding back. This is a pattern I am gradually letting go of the more I feel complete, safe and more confident I feel in my skin to express all of me.

50. You bring a very important point to the fore, that it is not only the very obvious behaviours of control that are controlling but that there are so many ways to control the situation, even, as your situation shows by being silent and ‘easy going’. What we need to understand and then put into practice is that everything we do has an impact on everybody and everything, with our every move we contribute something to the big pool we are all drawing from.

51. Absolutely amazing blog Joshua, loved your example about when with friends and you think of the next thing to do – as it could be awkward if there was nothing to do. In what ever way it is clear that we control life to avoid possible situations of hurt or them not going how we planned. Before we had attachment to events, places, people etc we had the joy always living in our hearts, and we can always go back 😀

52. It is so interesting to see how control is not the same for everyone. I too love the memories of just lying on the grass looking up at the sky connecting with people, very simple, very un-stimulating and very special.

53. Remaining silent and not speaking up I have found and am finding so abusive to my body. Every time I hold back I hurt myself. Placing others before me to ‘keep the peace’ and to not ‘rock the boat’ has been a very big behaviour of mine. It is work in progress as I learn to speak up and become more aware of what is at play and what I am investing in especially how I am with myself in my work.

54. You have shared a game I know so well and caused me from young severe headaches and migraine. Holding back myself created so much frustration and resentment that my body suffered enormously.

55. I think what you have exposed is fantastic Joshua, the illusion that by being silent we are not expressing is such a huge nut to crack.

56. Love your expose Joshua, and really feel the importance of us all sharing our part, and speaking up when we feel to rather than playing nice. Nice is not nice at all!

57. Beautiful Joshua, the clarity you speak from is palpable in your writing. You are observant, true and reflective on your own choices and behaviors, and that by sharing this by writing and living you are setting the pull forth.. for All to see.

58. “…instead I said nothing.” This has a very familiar and uncomfortable ring to it Joshua. Holding back gets in the way of us and everybody else knowing who we truly are.

59. Dear Joshua,
    I played the same game as you share here Joshua, with the added bonus of frustration and resentment for not speaking up. A game that still today I can fall back into whenever I loose sight of the fact that I am love and that love is there for everyone.

60. ‘ I have held back what I am really feeling so as not to make anyone uncomfortable’. I recgonise this old habit that kept my expression held in, kept me closed off from people. But I have learned to share more of myself and as I have, people seem so much more interesting as I now allow them in!

61. Some great points here Joshua, including “I realised the pattern of doing things and wanting to be kept busy when I hung out with people helps to ensure the others don’t see me for who I am.” This has supported me to feel the anxiousness that arises when I’m with people, which leads me to want to to do things for them, instead of accepting the simplicity of just being myself and this being enough.

62. There is so much detail and care throughout this article and many gems if we open ourselves up to what you are sharing Joshua. I know that I step away from things that are there to be expressed at times and use activities to shield myself from deeper friendships, just reading this blog seems to free things up in my body though, just admitting it to myself feels like half the process is healed.

63. I can so relate to what you share here Joshua, holding back and priding yourself on being easy to get along with, and so on. But you are so right about the control within all of that, this I never picked up on at the time though. We can be very convincing with ourselves when we just want to stay in comfort and not rock the boat or change too much.

64. Oh such a brilliant blog Joshua. I love how you expose the control in silence. I know this feeling of having no voice very well, I realise though that in that moment when I have ‘no voice’ there always have been lots of other things before where I held back which lead me to that moment. So it is for me to live not holding back in everything, from my clothing, my walk, my sleep to my work, everything matters.

65. It so beautiful to uncover these things we do to control life. It seems like we aren’t but at the same time we are keeping every moment ‘safe’ for not being who we truly are. Which what we in truth all want, which is the most amazing way to be. Bring all the joy and love that we are.

66. Thank you Joshua, this is perfect timing for me to read this blog as I expose other areas of control in my life that have kept me in protection and in ‘comfort’, being open to this and learning to letting this pattern go has been key to deepening the relationship with myself and others in a more true and loving way.

67. Great to read your insightful story Joshua. Expression is not my strong point and this is an area that I am working on developing. As I build my connection with myself. With a greater level of self love and care. Letting go of the blocks and protection, so too can I let go of the control,as I am no longer at the mercy of the exterior.

68. I have recently been opened up to the levels of control that have been in my life still, it starts from young as you shared Joshua but over the years we build up an arrogance that says ‘No I am not’. But while we maintain the arrogance we continue to be hurt and hurt others with these controlling ways. Which is always to protect something we are not, never to protect who we truly are. If we control others to avoid feeling a reaction or a hurt then we are protecting an ill choice that we made or another has made towards us. We are never our actions but the quality we choose to act in in any moment and this Universal Medicine has presented which makes life far more understandable and cuts short the judgement around having chosen to be controlling.

69. Going with the flow is not letting yourself drift according to the expectations and needs of those around you. Nor is it holding ourselves back from expressing in any way but rather holding yourself in a way that engages us with an understanding of all that is happening around us and answering to what needs to be said done and honored lovingly in a way that considers and develops the all equally.

70. Thank you for this uncomfortable insight into the deeply damaging way I have chosen to operate for much of my life. If control is manipulating a situation to create a desired outcome then I have consistently been guilty of not exposing the real me in case other people reject me and in this controlling behaviour I have robbed both myself and others of the joy of knowing the real me. It is only since attending Universal Medicine presentations that I have been inspired to explore dropping the protective shield that has dominated my interactions since I was young and allowed others to start to experience the real me and as my relationships have deepened so the need to control slowly dissipates.

71. Thank you Joshua for your insightful blog. You have really said it all here.I can tell you from experience that being controlling does really hurt you as it affects the gallbladder and this I have found often results in head aches. And I know this as I have suffered quite a few in my time.

72. Ah . . . yes, control it certainly is something worth seeing in ones self. I can recall the shock I felt when I began to see just how controlling I really was. Years later I am still exposing my own control even though it is not so obvious as it once was it still has quite a grip that plays out in all my relationships. The idea of not being liked by others is an idea that really has no place anywhere as it is certainly interferes with us simply being our selves.

73. Very often we are unaware of how controlling we can be, and it was not until I started to observe myself that I realised how obvious and subtle control can be.

74. I’ve had a tendency to exert control over just how much I reveal about myself to others – and done it as a form of self-protection, so that the real me – that delicate, sensitive me – runs least risk of being rejected for the real me and hurt as a consequence. It means I’ve sometimes left myself – the real me – in the car and headed off on foot as the well-practised ‘performing seal’ to my destination, only to reacquaint once the event is over. It’s a lose-lose, as I don’t get to express fully and the world doesn’t get to appreciate and benefit from all that I am.

75. Thank you Joshua, I can relate to the holding back to not be rejected, not wanting to make people uncomfortable by not speaking up, doing or helping so I can hide and not be seen. I had no idea in the past that these were all ways of controlling. I am learning that I do not need to hide my beauty and lovingness, I can live it day by day by just being the true and real me, there is nothing that needs to be protected.

76. Control is a protection measure we take in order to avoid hurt in any way possible. It could be downright aggressive, or could be very passive and subtle. This used to play out in our household big time, creating a dynamics. As someone who invested mostly in the aggressive and overt form of control, the passive and covert form of control by others used to be a cause of great frustration for me.

77. I loved reading your blog Joshua, i can relate to being controlling, I went into the helper mode the doing for people, there I could really hide, and make everything about them, their needs and desires, I realise that I felt I had nothing to share, and who would want to listen to me. Thankfully this way of living has been slowly changing over the years with self love becoming more and the realisation that I do have a Divine love that lives within and that love I can share with everyone, knowing that they all, have this amazing love.

78. Interesting to read how you’d use your form of control as a way to regulate your expression of the real you in varying situations, with an overall intent to dull down and protect yourself from rejection. Just goes to show that control comes in many guises.

79. Its a total giving away of our power and truth Linda. It feels very awful to feel the real impact such a behaviour has on our bodies and our lives

80. Awesome blog Joshua and great points to consider that being the shy and kind one is actually a very controlling person. Holding back from expressing the truth is something I have done for eons it seems and now I am learning to express more in my life it feels more empowering and loving and I notice how it supports others to also express what they hold back.

    1. Not holding back is a process of unfolding. I have found that there are always more and more deeper levels of expression there within us to let out. The more we unfold the deeper and richer the expression seems to become

       1. Absolutely Elizabeth. I would say that learning to express in full is actually the beginnings of truly living life in full

81. “What happened to the days when I was young where I could lie on the riverbank and cloud-gaze…”. A very good question Joshua! How much I am able to do that or not shows me how much I am invested into a situation, life and my creations. A great marker to have.

82. Great blog Joshua, it is incredible how much energy we waste in controlling and manipulating life instead of just keeping it simple.

83. I love what you have written Joshua and can so easily identify myself in many of your situations. It is great to feel and hear that you are aware, on a deeper level, of this insidious controlling behaviour that harms you and others. I really appreciate you being so honest and open.

84. I can relate so well to what you are sharing Joshua, it is actually super controlling to not rock the boat, as when we do, someone could react or reject us.. It creates a ‘safe’ place, which is often not that comfortable at all, as I know myself to be constantly calculating what could happen and keeping it all at bay by not truly expressing who I am.

    1. Well said Benkt. This ‘safe’ place is all an illusion as it is causing us greater harm to not express our truth than it is to just be that ‘easy going’ person of the pack

85. Who ever thought the easy-going and care-free person was actually a highly controlled personality with an aim to please – Great exposing Joshua, one of the many masks we can wear to hide who we truly are.

86. I too, Joshua, was an easy going person so I could fit in, I be quite so as to not create waves and this would keep me safe. I also know about the holding back what I want to say and afterwards beating myself up for holding back. I always had the feeling that I was not ok and had to be what others wanted me to be, to be ok. One day not to long ago I had a revelation that I actually was ok and that being me was ok. So I could now learn to let go of trying to control life to be safe, to be accepted. I now have a voice and can share what I feel and think without having to please others or stay safe, a much more real way of being me.

87. Joshua as I read your blog, I felt how many similar moments there had been in my life too, where I had allowed the silence, I was nice, kind, polite. I became what I thought the world wanted me to be, and I now realise that when I am not living my truth I am of no service to humanity. Such a big ouch to feel, how much delay I have allowed.

    1. A big ouch indeed Sally – I’m sure many can relate to this was of being with others, so as to not ‘rock the boat’ and keep things controlled and comfortable. But as I am learning, when we sit in comfort and control other situations to also mirror that comfort there is no evolution for one another. We sit, stagnating in our own procrastination when we know the truth like the sea knows the shore, meeting it in each moment of movement. So why do we hold back that movement, to meet ourselves in truth and allow another to feel the very same within them? Do we fear reaction and jealousy above all or can we feel the enormity of what we can offer and that freaks us out too?

88. Joshua, thank you for expressing how easy it to control a situation by not standing up for what we know to be true.

89. Thank you Joshua, I can really relate to the points you have made, about being an easy going person, this was the way my life had been lived, keeping myself safe, and in no way did I ever think that this was control, doing, for me, was a way of avoidance. Recently I had some time away with friends, we were just able to be with each other, not needing to “do” anything, just to be, who we were with each other, and it was so joyful in this simple sharing.

90. Thank you Joshua for exposing the more insidious forms of control that can easily slip under our radars.

91. Thank you Joshua, a timely blog! I really related to needing to ‘do’ things with friends, and make sure there is this safety net in place. It is crazy when in actual fact the simplicity for example ‘cloud-gazing’ is actually what I would love to do.
    I can also feel how I control myself – I try to be perfect and this form of control guarantees the negative outcome.

92. I have been not sharing myself with others for a long time, being very protective by being nice, polite and silent although I had so much to contribute. It caused me so much frustration to keep the love that I am for myself and at the time I had no idea it was this controlling way of being that was hurting me and others big time. Freeing myself of this pattern is work in forever progress as this behaviour can be very subtle. Thank you Josh for this blog and for being open and for sharing with us all your love and joy!

93. Joshua, I found it interesting reading your blog about ‘control’, and your discovery around your own behaviour patterns, for it reminded me of a time a few years ago when a friend of long standing announced to me quite strongly that I indeed was a controlling person. I found this pronouncement quite shocking momentarily, as I had never regarded myself as this description – however, I found that by the very fact of my needing to know what some thing, event, occasion or expectation of me was going to look like at the other end, at the completion of whatever the occurrance was, that this was indeed a form of control, and not trusting in the process or trusting myself to be enough, to be able to cope with or deal with whatever the end result looked like. Thank you for sharing your experience.

94. Pingback: Control or Connection: It’s a Choice « The Truth about Serge Benhayon

95. I know that awkward silence so well, where I would be feeling something quite clearly but it just felt like I was going to be upsetting the other person or the situation, so I opted for NICE. This never works – the other person can feel what I am holding back so it confuses them, and by not calling it out it allows whatever pattern of behaviour to continue on and on until someone does bring it up – so much wasted time and potential hurt while we wait for that next opportunity.

    1. Yes, it creates a truly awkward situation, as everybody can feel that we got something to share, which maybe changing their day (maybe life) completely. It is true arrogance and control to hold that back just to stay comfortable. It is a true waste of time.

    2. Very well said Simon Williams NICE is in fact not so nice.

96. Holding back is absolutely the opposite of what we think. The truth is everyone can feel and sense where you are at. But in protecting and not expressing its like we think we can hide it. Reading here I can feel how this behaviour I have had wants people to come and dig the truth out from me. So it’s another form of seeking attention which is very controlling. So different to the expression you bring here Joshua, so full and flowing, contributing to understanding for us all. Thank you for this timely reminder to share clearly and directly what I’m feeling.

    1. I love that Joseph, holding back is wanting people to come and dig the truth out of you. I know this form of seeking attention very well and it is very important to nominate that it is controlling just as much as the very obvious ways of control. We are fooling ourself and we all suffer as if we don’t know we are more and the other person is too.

97. ‘Holding back what I am feeling helps me to ensure that I will not get rejected from my friends for doing or saying something that they would not like.’ – yes I know this one too Josh. I have also realised that holding back, playing safe, playing small in this way is a form of protection that serves no one. That the truth we feel, is there for us to share with all, it is there for our evolution (development and growth); not recognition or acceptance. I am learning that, by expressing the love we are and the truth we feel, this is the loving way forth through which we will all evolve together.

98. Great blog Joshua, I love what you have written and can see myself in past situations you have described. Its great to feel that I’ve been growing up and maturing.

99. Lately I have come to realise how control defines where my shoulders lie, for as I am now more aware of the control that use to get by, I am gently allowing it leave an in recent weeks my shoulders have felt lower than I have ever known them to feel – equally my neck feels longer – remarkable to ponder that as I release these long held patterns in my body, the very nature of how I walk and stand will change.

    1. Thats a great example of how the control is hold in our bodies. I can feel the release of the hardness in my shoulders and arms and how much it hurts now when I am controlling. Its like my body gets cemented and immediately starts hurting.

    2. Great to bring the body into this conversation Lucinda, as it is the marker of all truth. But can the body even express this truth when it is not held or moved in a way that confirms what it knows? It feels like control, comfort and other ways we contract effects the body with hardness and the way we move, thus restricting the ability to express what is innate to us all.

    3. So true Luncindag, I have the same, every time I let go of control my shoulders start to drop, my spine straightens up, my neck feels longer and my chest opens. Great marker to be reminded of!
       I also feel it in my jaw when I hold control it hardens and my lower arms – I find myself making fists or feel a tension in my arms.
       It is so good to have these markers in the body as the mind is often not aware of what is going on.

100. “Holding back what I am feeling helps me to ensure that I will not get rejected from my friends for doing or saying something that they would not like” – I can relate to this very much and see how this robs us all of a great potential for evolution.

101. Thank you Joshua for sharing your experience with us. I could say that you could have been writing about me! I would not have considered that I was controlling in my life either, being such an obliging person, but I have realised that underneath that quiet exterior there were times that I felt some resentment towards others who assumed that I would just “Go along”, In other words I was living a lie at times, not speaking my truth just to be liked or not rock the boat. Looking back I can see that I have denied myself the right to an opinion (I did speak up if I was feeling strongly about a subject or action).The more I learn through Serge Benhayons Presentations of the Ancient Wisdom the more I know everyone is just as important as another and we all need to contribute to this life, it is the most Loving thing we can share, ourselves.

102. Joshua thank you, I so appreciate your article and relate to your experiences and understandings. I was so nice, so quiet, so pleasant and compliant for so very long. I found comfort in being the helper hiding in the safety of a task rather than engaging with people. By doing things for others I knew I would be accepted. Its great to realise how controlling and hurtful this was. It’s also great to realise how much I’ve changed, let go of a lot of control, opened up and let people in. I engage more deeply with others, speak more freely, allow myself to feel and make my own choices, share the love that I am from a more truly me. Ever expanding thank you to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for presenting that ‘nice’ is not necessarily so very ‘nice’.

103. Thank you Joshua, for bringing this out into the open. So much is here shared for me to ponder on deeper. It confirms that we use control to cover up our fears of inadequacy, of not ‘being enough’, just being ourselves. Holding back and being ‘nice’, fitting in, is just as controlling as overtly telling everybody what to do. And considering that it’s harming others, as they lose out on what we bring, is a real eye opener.

     1. I agree Esther. Josh has exposed through this blog the subtle layers of control that often are excused and play out in our everyday interactions. ‘Holding back and being ‘nice’, fitting in, is just as controlling as overtly telling everybody what to do.’ – well said. However the more honest we are with ourselves, the more we can heal our hurts and so let go of our need for protection. With this we can begin to appreciate and honor the truth and love we are, know and feel, as it is there to be shared with all.

104. Thanks Joshua. I have been the ‘Easy going’ type of person in the past and what you have identified here is so true. I always held back because I was afraid others wouldn’t like me if I made any demands or offered any opinions. It also became clear that there was resentment within me from having to always do what others wanted and the need to feel comfortable. Re-connecting to me and living that has been challenging as it means being exposed, being open to others not liking me and having to sit with discomfort at times. It is all still a work in progress, re-learning to pause and connect and then trust the choice that comes up to be made. The Beauty of this is discovering ‘Me’ and appreciating how gorgeous I am.

105. Yes Karin I agree. Exposing the subtle ways helps us get to the root of how we can still build little walls that keep us from letting people in.

106. I can really relate to what you share in this article Joshua. I have been constantly controlling the world around me in ways that I wouldn’t have considered controlling before. Like not speaking up when I have needed to or by not honouring what I truly feel for fear of what life will unfold, trying to control the outcome. It has all been to my detriment as I am finding out, life offers us so much when we allow it all to unfold the way it was meant to. Love, joy and truth disappear when we try and control life instead of allowing all the love, joy and truth that is there in to be lived and enjoyed. Thank you.

107. This is a great blog about the truth of what’s really going on when we are being ‘easy -going.’ I too have been that easy going person, and still can be. I have felt like it would be so imposing to speak how I feel because it’s not my right to ‘upset the apple cart.’ I would see everyone else as being imposing and controlling of a situation. But this is a huge revelation about how controlling it is to hold back and not say how we feel. As a child people would always love the way I was quiet and well-behaved and I remember how chronically shy I was- all just to hide how I was feeling and speak the truth. Now whenever people say ‘You seem so easy going’ I question what that is reflecting about how I have been with people and if i’m holding back. Awesome, thank you.

     1. It is a subtle yet massive ouch how holding back is in fact a massive lever of control that we use… always keeping the apple cart balanced in spite of the fact that the shipment of fruit is rotten.

108. Great blog, Joshua. I can feel how I have controlled many situations, for example, to try and make someone happy. I have not accepted the time they might require to feel the result of their choices and instead have decided it / they should be another way. How awful and manipulating – I look forward to clocking these moments when they happen in the future.

109. “I often control the situation to make sure the activities I do with friends do not create moments where we could just talk and get to know each other better.”

     You’re so right, Joshua, the whole world creates busy-ness so that there isn’t the space to talk more deeply about life and ourselves … and if we’re not busy then we fill up the spaces with entertainments of some sort – all so that there’s no ‘hanging out’ time together, no silences, no still moments … otherwise we’d be realising and owning what we’re REALLY feeling – and we can’t have that!

110. I now realise that not saying something to just fit in and conform, not rock the boat is a form of nice that isn’t actually that great at all. Because if we don’t say and live what we feel then our lives become a lie and there is always that pressure to be something we are not. Thanks for your blog Joshua, great to read of your experiences.

     1. Agree Johanna, the quality of our expression is key to it. I always expressed what I felt, but it mostly came with the energy of criticism, judgmental, cynicism, comparison, etc. Yes we have to express that is crucial, but we have to express from love and with this get the self out of the way and only express to evolve us.

111. I loved reading this Joshua – and can relate to most of it. I too have been very controlling. I can remember as a child being uncomfortable about friends coming over for a play; I would worry about them discovering I wasn’t much fun at all and fear a rejection. I would feel relief when they instead would hang out and chat to my mum. The responsibility to be something was taken off. Now I know I am enough and I am amazing. This has only been recent and it is about one of the greatest moment in my life.

     1. I also remember moments being together with friends and worry about not feeling enough for them instead of just being me and feel lovely and joyful with it- for I am an amazing person. Very inspiring blog thank you!

     2. ginadunlop, It is quite amazing how many of us have this deep niggling fear inside that we are never enough…..I love that we are now openly talking about this; because with sharing, yes, I have had this too, we take the power away from these controlling fears and doubts; because, how can it be true that we are all ‘not good enough’? What would be the point of this? Maybe it just isn’t true at all, and once we re-connect deeper with who we really are, this fear can finally drop away, or, at least start to lose it’s grip over us.

     3. Yes Annie, and it’s totally liberating to gain back the the trust that all is how it needs to be, as we have created it and now we have to learn what the consequences are for us as a humanity. Speaking up about what doesn’t feel right, what feels corrupt or separative, helps us take more responsibility. Someone has to make the start, as so many feel power-less and think “why bother?”. I was like that myself, but thanks to meeting Serge Benhayon and studying with Universal Medicine, my approach to life has totally changed; I now know that living all of me, in every moment, is my first job and responsibility. After all, nobody else can be me or bring the constellation I bring better than me!

112. How true…”Holding back what I am feeling helps me to ensure that I will not get rejected from my friends for doing or saying something that they would not like.” It’s only now with the assistance of Universal Medicine that I am holding back less and boy it feels good to get the truth out. Also I can relate to this..”I have felt that being silent helped me by ensuring that others will not get put off or reject me for the truth that I would bring to situations”. This still happens to this day with my family and people I feel threatened by. As I claim back my own power and right to speech however the burden is lifting. My focus now is saying what I need to say from tenderness and love and not pent up reaction.

113. I love what you share Joshua especially about the easy going people and what is really underneath this role. We are all guilty of this control thing – some control is very obvious and some not. I like it if the not so obvious get more revealed. Thank you Joshua for doing it with joy and simplicity.

114. Joshua, I have never linked being an easy going person with control but so true this feels. We are controlling our environment to accommodate others so that we can stay in favour. It shows perhaps where our relationships are truly at, for if I was to just be myself, then I may lose a friendship. So the question then becomes, what is the foundation of that relationship. I will ponder on this more deeply, and thank you Joshua for providing me the opportunity to do so.

115. Thanks Joshua for such an awesome blog, to hold back in life and not speak up is a way we imprison ourselves. When I don’t hold back and express the truth with others it feels very empowering and my body feels much lighter and more spacious.

116. wow this is a awesome written blog Joshua. I relate to it all so much and really feel how much the impact of being the ‘nice’ ‘quite’ girl has had on my life. I too relate to the silence and the reluctance to be myself because of fear of rejection and not being liked. It is so not even worth it because of the damage thats done to the body when we hold back.

117. This is a great sharing Joshua and it highlights for me the part where I kept my true feelings for myself in certain situations and did not express to avoid any reaction. I can also feel the difference where I am now opposed to were I used to be a few years ago. There is so much fulfillment in expressing what I feel without holding back. And I love how it can lift up people around me, inviting them to do the same.

118. Joshua you write with great wisdom, and it’s great to know that you are now sharing your beautiful quality with others. That subtle form of control that you speak of is definitely something I can relate to, and I am finding the more I am willing to express myself openly the deeper the friendships can be.

119. Thank you Josh for sharing, I do understand what you are saying as I have lived this way most of my life, not wanting to create waves and keep what I thought was safe, I would not have thought it controlling, but there it is. Today I am becoming much more open, and able to express what I feel and know that it has value, that I do have a voice, very freeing being more of the real me.

120. What an excellent sharing.
     Being the nice quite guy can be very controlling.
     I can relate to the example you gave about hanging with friends and an activity is needed to make it worth hanging out.

     What does this say about how we relate to people. Although nothing wrong with a movie but just hanging out and getting to know people better is a wonderful activity.

121. I love your description of Truth Sofia and how constant and complete true truth actually feels. It is true with truth we are naturally satisfied by its whole completeness

122. Joshua,
     I loved reading this article. I know only too well the easy going, but I am in control way of living. I lived this for years, all the while I was though I felt constantly anxious in others company. To have been able to connect again deeply to the person I am and to feel a confidence in this is a miracle, one that I am accepting and apprectiating more every day.
     I so much more enjoy being with people, in sharing my life and connecting with theirs.

     1. This is very beautiful Leigh. There is more power in truly connecting and being with others than there will ever be in control.

123. Thanks Joshua for highlighting how we often use silence and holding back from expressing our truth, as a form of control. I love your reflection of cloud-gazing on a riverbank with a friend and having “..the most fun from the simplicity of doing very little.” A great reminder of taking the focus off the ‘doing’ and putting it on ‘being’.

124. Your sugar analogy Deanne expresses all I felt about the ‘easy going’ form of control that is a great harm to us all. And deeply deceptive it is because worse than choosing to be in the comfort of the easy going person is the association that that is in fact who one is and how one expresses.

125. I have always prided myself on my ‘easy going’ nature but I can see that there is a lot of control in this way of being. Controlling the amount of truth I will bring to a situation by choosing to ‘go with the flow’. Telling the truth may make for some uncomfortable moments initially but in my experience it is actually more uncomfortable to end up doing something that doesn’t feel right to please another. The person I am trying to please can feel my reluctance and things get difficult and complicated.

126. Gosh Josh, I can relate to this almost in its entirety.

127. What a great blog. Uncovering the unlikely places we have our hold on staying small. Thank you Joshua

128. The moment I have the feeling of being in control of the situation, I am actually being controlled to control others. That’s what I could feel during the last retreat with Serge Benhayon. If I instead surrender to my body, to God, I am being served to serve others.

     1. Thank you Felixshumacher8.

     2. This is huge Felix as it exposes the comfort in controlling life and situations

129. What a great blog Joshua. I too have been very controlling by choosing my situations, being easy going and not speaking up.

     Now I’m building a more honest relationship with myself I know that if I don’t say what I feel needs saying, this feels worse than actually saying it. I know if I say something respecting everyone then it won’t come out wrong and of it does, well I’m learning and it’s an opportunity for me to be there for myself.

130. You are a beautiful man, Joshua. The way you opened up and shared yourself is deeply beautiful. I know these behaviors from myself in the past and I remember the first moment when I felt deeply how much this is in fact hurting myself. So go on bringing your joy and smile to the world***

     1. So beautiful to feel the depth of your comment is a reflection of the massive tenderness and love within me. Thank you Christina

131. Thank you Joshua, I can so relate to what you’re sharing, and realising how controlling it is, to hold back like that, a big ouch for me. The more we allow ourselves to connect to who we truly are, the less we need to be worried about maybe saying the wrong thing and being rejected – I just attended an amazing workshop with Tanya Curtis from fabic yesterday – The topic was Perfectionism. So often we don’t say what we feel out of fear we may not be perfect….very crippling indeed.

132. Gorgeous Blog Josh – There are so many people that make the same choice to hold back what they feel and not rock the boat… me being one of them! It’s great to read that this is actually keeping me in control and keeping me comfortable. What if the people I am with need to hear what I feel to say… a question I will now be asking myself much more, Thank you Josh.

133. Thank you Joshua, great sharing, with a simple outcome, be yourself. The loving young child never holds back in speaking the truth. We have all done, seen and felt the loving innocence (inner sense) of a young child.

134. Thank you for sharing Josh.
     What really stood out for me is how easy it is to not speak honestly – and trust how we feel, and therefore it means we hold back.
     I too have stopped myself saying things because I don’t know how the other person will react, and it is much more comfortable to keep quiet. But that actually hurts me – It means I end up going round and round thinking ‘what if’ I had spoken up – and this takes me out of the moment. Its a sneaky cycle that I am starting to break and expose.

     1. That is huge to feel, so cunning and the best way of keeping ourselves small too

135. This is a great exposure of how the stance of the seemingly easy-going person is not easy at all but controlling of people and events; and how is this done? As you so well describe, by holding back and thinking of scenarios to cover all sorts of eventualities. Knowing the person you are today, it is great that you don’t do that anymore and that we all get to share in your joy and amazingness.

     1. Great comment Gabriele, and yes super exposing blog Joshua. It really is amazing how being easy going is often a great cover for wanting things to be comfortable and actually it’s a cop out as we don’t stand for truth – this is something I know well, and one that can still reign if I allow it. I can now see that being comfortable is all about me, and not the other and what is needed.

        1. Monicag2 I have also always allowed myself to think that saying not saying the truth was the easy and comfortable way out but now I find when I know I have an opportunity to say the truth of what is needed and I do not, it always comes back around and I get faced with the same if not worse situation as it has now escalated! And yes “being comfortable is all about me, and not the other and what is needed”.

        2. James, great point, we fool ourselves that our comforts are ok and then find ourselves in a worse situation and we blame the outside or others for that and can go into resentment – what a game. The truth is when we honour and express what we truly feel somehow it’s different no matter what the outcome, there’s a freedom there, and a knowing that we’ve committed in full to what is needed in that moment by having expressed the truth.

        3. Well said James – if we don’t deal with it, it comes around again and again (usually bigger each time) until such time as we do address it.

136. When we hold back our amazingness, we are controlling life. I very much relate to your post Joshua and I too am grateful that through the presentations of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine we can choose another way. Thank you for sharing so honestly.

     1. Its just one big game.

        1. That’s true Joshua, it’s one big horrible game.

137. Thanks Joshua. I love presenting courses to people, presenting both serious and playful stuff, and when people are relaxed enough .. EVERYONE admits to having control issues, and it is so great that you are writing about what its like to let go, and trust.

     1. Its great having you as an inspiration Chris

138. I didn’t realize how controlling I was of life until recently. For me it comes from fear that things won’t go the way ‘I’ want them to. But who is this I? Wouldn’t it be far greater to let go of pre-conceived outcomes and open up to the magnificence and support that is there for us all the time ?
     I have recently had a very powerful confirmation of this and I am now dedicated to reveal the control and let it go…… ☺

139. A great, insightful article Josh. You number of very perceptive observations, one of which I find particularly so on this reading is, “I quickly learned that holding on and putting up with my own discomfort was easier than the discomfort of feeling the imposition I seemed to make on others when I did choose to honour my feelings”.

140. A great article Josh exposing the subtle ways I too have used control while thinking I was being ‘easy going’ and easy to get on with. Learning to be who I am and share this with others I am finding I enjoy my own company so much more.

141. Josh what a great blog and how revealing that control is so much more then we often care to think. I used to think control was making others do what you want and bullying but have come to realise that we control so much more then we are aware off. I have tried to control my environment, the reactions people have to me, every day life and even my friends in a way that would not let them get to close to me. Not in a bullying way but by controlling how much of myself i would let them see. It is an awesome subject to study ourselves on and be very honest about.

142. Joshua thank you for this wonderful blog.
     ‘Holding back what I am feeling helps me to ensure that I will not get rejected from my friends for doing or saying something that they would not like.’
     Yes this fear of rejection certainly does limit what we say and how we hold back. And in the end no one feels the connection and this is ironically the ultimate rejection for all.

143. Joshua this was a great blog as it really reflected how controlling we can be through our lack of expression, it keeps us “safe” and stops us from feeling possible hurts we assume will come up. I for one have often adopted this approach and I can feel how unsupportive, unloving and stifling this has been. The more we express our truth the more we are ourselves with others and reflect to them the possibility that they too can be themselves.

     1. No fun driving through life with the hand brakes on all the time. 🙂

144. I (and no doubt many others) can relate to “I have held back what I am really feeling so as not to make anyone uncomfortable”. Thank you Joshua for writing this.

145. “What happened to the days when I was young where I could lie on the riverbank and cloud-gaze with a friend” Great question and one many of us could ask ourselves. Beautiful reminder of childhood and the ease we felt at spending time with people. Why do we change this and often put on an act when we are with people. Thank you for this gorgeous reminder of the simplicity of just being ourselves and the natural ease and joy that brings.

146. Thanks Josh for sharing your awesome blog, it doesn’t make sense to hold back for fear of rejection when to hold back we have already rejected our self.

147. And to imagine everyone is holding back… and everyone is waiting for the one to start expressing and speaking truth. We are all that one. That thought always helps me to open up and express, because I know the people I meet are longing to be seen, just like me. And if they don’t want it or don’t like it, well at least I gave my all in that moment.

148. Thank you, Josh. What I am noticing is that even when I am not overtly controlling a situation or other people, I can feel there is a sense of not quite understanding or accepting the situation, the other people’s choices, and wanting to influence them somehow. This is a hard one to let go for me, as judgment is very fast to kick in.

149. I can relate to so much of what you have shared so honestly Joshua, particularly about holding back out of fear of rejection.

150. I can so relate to everything that you have said in your article Joshua. It’s like we are putting a pressure on ourselves to be a certain way; to avoid being hurt, to please others or pretending that things are ok when they clearly are not. It’s a wall of protection that we put up, which only keeps us away from feeling and knowing who we truly are. How inspiring that you have let go of this need to just naturally being you and enjoying all that you bring.

151. Lovely to read this again Josh and feel more my own controlling ways in going with the flow….and how much of me I left behind in doing so. A work in progress as they say in opening, letting down the guard and protection and expressing myself in full.

152. This is great Josh, I can relate to a lot of what you have written about. Whilst reading I realised that for most of my life I had a belief that I had to do or be something otherwise people wouldn’t want me as a friend. By changing myself to fit in with others I was always holding back presenting the true me to the world and I can see now that those people who I consider friends were in fact short changed.

153. A really interesting way to look at how being ‘nice’ and ‘going with the flow’ actually holds us back. Like you Josh, I certainly played this game and I resonate with all of your points here. Because I was choosing not to express – and therefore it is a controlled holding back. Sometimes it still challenges me. I hold myself back because of what others might think – but the reality is – if I connect to what is needed – usually what is there to be said, should be. A lovely read – thank you.

154. Top blog Josh, or actually, I could also call you Tim, as you have described exactly how I used to be, including wanting to go to the toilet and not saying for fear of interrupting the other person. And like you, I assumed that I had to be the least harming person on this planet, but since being introduced to the presentations of Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon, I have realised that I have caused more harm to others and definitely myself, by not expressing what I was feeling. It’s great that you have highlighted this, as it is very insidious to think that we are not controlling. But in truth by not expressing how we truly feel, we become the biggest controllers.

155. Re-reading this blog today, I feel it on a whole other level, it’s about letting people in, and allowing both you and them to be. I’ve struggled with letting people in, as I want them to be a particular way and I get annoyed and can react when they’re not, so I’m controlling all the while saying that I’m letting them be! Letting another in is truly being with them, feeling them and allowing them to feel you. Thank you Josh and all those who’ve commented for reminding me of that today.

156. Great blog Joshua, I loved the part where you said about laying on the river bank cloud gazing, so simple and so much fun.

157. I love the blog Josh. A big thing for me is noticing how selfish and lazy it is for me to not express to people what is there to be said and felt, an age old pattern that serves no good. We are all appreciative of when something is expressed and not held in, just like your awesome writing, I can really appreciate you as a man writing with this much tenderness and love, it offers a great reflection to all men.

158. I can completely relate to this blog in many ways. The constant control is not towards another but solely focused on holding myself back. From experience, everyone is amazing when they drop the shield. By expressing what I feel it may rattle a few people’s beliefs about the world (Not the actual person) but that is only because I go against the norm of ‘It’s OK to hold yourself back because everyone else is doing it’.

     1. So well put, Leigh, yes if we rattle the other, it’s not really them, it’s their beliefs which aren’t them in the first place.

159. What a refreshing take on the definition of control, Joshua. I would have to include myself in the same category because I used to hold back expressing my take on various situations with people too. I used to think that everyone else was feeling the same thing, so why should I bother. Only later have I discovered that that was not nearly the case, and by me withdrawing in protection because I wanted everyone to like me, it really caused a lot of both mental and physical pain (headaches, digestive problems, etc). Your article shows how liberating it can be to speak up and how when we act like a chameleon, adapting to everyone else’s desires or requests, we lose ourselves in that camouflage!

160. Great blog Josh thank you. I find that keeping up the shield is hard work and what am I really protecting myself from? It is in my expectations and desires that I protect myself and find my controlling behaviour. When people or things are not the way I want them to be or expected them to be, which could be viewed as the same thing, I can react and feel hurt; but of course they were my reactions and my desires or expectations in the first place. Freeing myself from the hold of these is ongoing so why not be the joy that I am in every moment of my life? Why not?
     Thank you this is beautifully inspiring.

161. Josh, great blog, and so relatable. I know nice and don’t make a fuss well, It’s how I grew up and now as a 40 something adult I am learning to speak up more an be more honest with both myself and others. It’s crazy really but I’m lived so much of my life on assumption and been annoyed when the other doesn’t react as I wish (yes controlling too!), and yet I’d not expressed what I felt. It’s been a real adventure dropping this and learning to speak more and just be myself and not be so concerned about how I look or how the other thinks.

162. I can so relate to what you have written Joshua. My pattern went on way beyond 21 years. I can remember one time I was away in Italy with executive colleague friends and it was like I no longer knew what I felt to do, I was completely happy to do whatever they suggested. It was a bit like I had lost the part of me that knew what I truly felt in that moment, and I found that in itself a bit scary. I did wonder what is going on here?
     Now, it is so important for me to feel and honour my body, I embrace being tender, fragile and truly connecting with myself and others.

163. It is a unfoldment worth its time. At least that is what I am learning. I am a flower, a big big rose slowly opening up to show what beauty is there inside me.

164. A beautiful account of the subtleties of control, though actually harming for the body and as you say others when holding back. I realised on reading through just how controlling being an easy going, go with the flow person is. I can see how when I have classed myself as this and proudly so it is like saying ‘I’m ok leave me alone.’ Though actually being like this, is not open to any flow, it is just about how I want life to be-easy and comfortable, and this is controlling. Thank you Joshua.

     1. That is silly when we consider it. That is that ‘I’m Ok, leave me alone’ is the entire opposite of what we are aware we are saying. We could be saying ‘I’m well’ or ‘How is the weather?’ but almost avoiding being open and truly connected to the other person. It is like we never want to feel the vulnerability, fragility, gentleness, tenderness, and the equality we may feel when we really open up.

165. Thankyou Joshua for a great blog. I can so relate to a lot of what you write. As I learn to express my truth I now know that by holding back I have not only been hurting myself but everyone around me. Comfort and control indeed. Ouch.

     1. When we open up it is amazing the wisdom we can share with others. It is deeply touching how much we can light up another by sharing what is there to be expressed inside. Thank you Sue

166. Dear Joshua, I can so relate. It’s wonderful to feel you asking these deep questions in order to shake off the mask. I can tell you’re really enjoying being yourself. Love it!

     1. Absolutely, why hold it back any longer? And my face feels so much better without that mask on so much!

167. Thank you Joshua. I have lived my life like that – chosen to not be me, so everything will appear Ok. Also so I would not have to interact with other people. I have been working at not holding back by putting myself into situations where I can actually talk to and connect with people. It is a process of letting go and being me, and through this I am finding myself through my own expression – it is wonderful. Ken Elmer

     1. It is our deepest dishonesty when we try and fool ourselves that everything is OK when obviously something is very wrong. Its a pity because we all miss out when we do this.

168. A really beautiful expression, it’s true how controlling we can be, without even realising. Thank you for sharing.

     1. Makes me wonder why we need to be ‘in control’. It is so normal for us that we often don’t realise we are controlling. It is an un-recognised desire to be safe and comfortable. Thank you Rebecca

169. Thank you Joshua. This is such a sweet and tenderly open expression of you. I could relate with how you often deeply felt a situation or moment and held back what was needed to be expressed out of comfort. I have also felt the deep harm of this in my body and toward others.

     I loved reading “What happened to the days when I was young where I could lie on the riverbank and cloud-gaze with a friend… and have the most fun from the simplicity of doing very little?”… I also love doing the simple things in life and know these moments are the greatest felt. I could imagine you as a young boy enjoying this simplicity and its beauty.

     How awesome and lovely that you have now chosen to share all of you with all of us! I too am thankful and appreciative of the support of Serge Benhayon and all involved with Universal Medicine.

     1. My pleasure Johanna. Maybe we could cloud-gaze someday? Sounds fun!

170. Hi Josh, well I certainly relate to this blog. Especially “I have held back what I am really feeling so as not to make anyone uncomfortable”. Thank you for expressing that control is a form of comfort. Brilliant!

     1. Thanks Sally. I am sure holding back because of the potential discomfort of another is something most can relate to indeed. Sadly I am finding from my own experience that it can be MORE uncomfortable to hold back than to express and potentially feel discomfort in another.

171. Shows us how loving it truly is to express ourselves and what we truly feel. Very powerful then to actually share with others what we are feeling about the situations we are in. What an amazing journey it is then, to learn to express. Thank you Amina.

172. Thanks Doug.

173. Thank you Joshua for sharing with us. Pleasing others is certainly an ingrained pattern that is a normal way of being for so many. Awesome to bring this to attention and offer inspiration with your expression.

     1. Thank you Beverley, your comment reminded me of times when I was with some of my friends and I could feel the ‘pleasing’ way that they expressed. I asked what they wished to do and they would just go with anything that I wanted to do. It felt so demeaning and heart-less because for me it seemed like they were not really ‘there’ with me. Very sad but it happens a lot in our society.

174. Thanks Joshua for your expose` of controlling through ‘pleasing’ others – I totally relate to this way of living. Isn’t it ironic how we ignore the truth we feel to express and immediately feel less within ourselves for doing so – yet we repeat the behaviour perhaps as a matter of habit…

     Greg

     1. We get comfortable getting comfortable with discomfort! I love it! Feels ludicrous and utterly ridiculous but it seems to make sense at the time. Thank you Greg.

175. I have held back what I am really feeling so as not to make anyone uncomfortable, aaah… I have done this all my life – putting myself less than others – and as you discovered, is truly dishonouring of myself. Sometimes this old habit pops up, but the more I express the more I want to express what is there to be expressed. Thanks Josh for this timely reminder.

     1. I love the way you have shared this. I can feel the expansion and the opportunity that can come from deepening what is there to be expressed. Sums it up very well. Thank you Jacqueline.

176. Hi Ariana, Thank you. I am finding through expressing more of myself to others that when another is expressing some form of discomfort as a result of what I am expressing, that person is usually living in a lot more discomfort generally. It was odd to think that when I reflect on having to hold on during assemblies sometimes at school there is a feeling of hardness and coldness having to sit on cold wooden floors for so long or standing in the same spot for an extended period. My fellow classmates were in a lot of discomfort and so were the teachers! Maybe all my body was saying was that it wanted to stretch its legs! Imagine sitting like this for so long and get so used to it you don’t even realise the discomfort your body is in?

     1. Ariana and Josh, I’ve never considered this – that part of the reason I hold back is that I don’t want to feel the other’s reactions or their discomfort, and of course I can’t not feel this. Great insight. And Josh even more, when we truly express and allow others to feel their discomfort we show there is another way.

177. Josh, you expose the go with the flow, no demands type, I fully relate! And love how you bring it back to letting go of control and protection. You write in such a clear and relatable way, it’s awesome. Thank you.

     1. And isn’t that the ultimate shield? No-one even suspects that I am controlling the situation if I am easy going and ‘go with the flow’. Thanks Vanessa.

178. Ahhhh, to have such wisdom at 21! Your very presence will affect those you are with, Josh, and yes, adding your unique vocal expression in any given situation will expand the experience for yourself and the service to them. It’s comforting (and even a little exciting) to know young people such as yourself are living with such awareness.

     1. And such is the glory to share that with others. Thank you Gayle.

179. Thank you Joshua, for highlighting the control thing in holding back.

     1. Thank you Annelies.

180. Wow! Thank you Joshua for sharing this blog. I can relate to everything you write here. It is so good to be able to smile about it now as so much has changed within me – and is still changing as I let people in, and allow myself to express and feel so much more joy deep in my self and in life.

     1. Hear Hear! As I let myself go and express more, an awesome world is naturally unfolding. Thank you Stephanie.

181. Thanks for sharing this Josh. I used to also believe that control was something more obvious to the eye and ear as in the case of the dominating personality. But I have come to see and realise that holding back is a more hidden form of control that we use to not make ripples, even though this holding back actually allows the true truth to remain also hidden, and so we go on, learning to express all that we feel, to open up more each day and share the joy and love that is our deepest truth. Thank you for the reminder and inspiration with your words.

     1. There is comfort in controlling what you say and hiding your light back. And such is the importance of letting control of life go. What came to me when I was realising this was that I was not just controlling what I said or did with others but also very much controlling what I wanted life to be in general… rather than just gliding with the rhythms and impulses of life as we naturally can. Thank you for sharing Anna.

        1. Yes this is so true. I have also discovered that when we want life to be a certain way we will do anything to try and make it that way – which is futile and is controlling. Being open to ‘gliding with the rhythms and impulses of life’ is different and definitely sounds refreshing.

     2. Yes Anna, I used to think control was obvious, but I can see now that, ‘There is comfort in controlling what you say and hiding your light’, as Joshua said, also its a way of ‘controlling what I wanted life to be in general…’.How I wanted life to be harmonious and easy. How sneaky is control! Thank you Joshua for bringing awareness of how insidious control really is.

182. Thanks Joshua, I can really relate to the sentence “What if using control over life as a protective shield didn’t help me at all? What if being more of a controlling person in these situations actually hurt me?” I used to beat myself up for being a coward and not speaking up in situations but am now realising it was all about not letting people in and that is very controlling. I have recently experimented with dropping my protective shield and life feels so much more real, and then on other occasions I have reverted to old patterns and I am left with an empty feeling. It can be an uncomfortable transition changing patterns, but I feel there is no going back now and thank you so much for sharing your experiences which shine a light on areas I had not considered.

     1. I can so relate to what you have just shared here Helen. I remember feeling how I used to hold myself back in what I said or what I did and then beat myself up for not shining out to the world what I could feel was my true expression. I am feeling though that what I did not like about letting people in was the just ‘being’ with them part. To let someone in I am learning is not about doing or saying the ‘right’ thing but more-so about actually just being and allowing them to feel me. Thank you.

        1. Hi Joshua, I really loved this reply, it was exactly what I needed to hear. I can also relate to everything in your article, especially the part about feeling a ‘weight’ holding your voice back. I’m currently unfolding my own control ‘issues’ and didn’t realise just how much I use it in my everyday life. So thank you, your words are truly inspiring. 🙂

        2. Helen and Josh, what a breath of fresh air, I too used to beat myself up about not expressing and I still can, but really Helen as you so beautifully express it’s about letting people in. And of course as I do that and when I’ve done that it’s so much easier to express. If I don’t let them in, then I’m already in a situation where there is pressure as I’m behind a shield so to speak, and of course then to speak up is coming from behind there and is often from the head or what I think I should say and doesn’t work.
           When it’s me, no guard or shield with another, truly letting them in I can feel so much more at ease, more myself and it feels like expression flows more naturally, it’s set up to more easily allow it, and if I let them in, of course I can be more allowing of their reactions (one I’m still very much learning). Thank you so much, it’s gorgeous to understand and feel this.

        3. Well said Monica, you are definitely expressing with much more of you if you are able to claim yourself in comments like this one

183. Ahhhh absolutely gorgeous Josh. Thank you for sharing.

     1. Thank you Shevon.

184. Wow Joshua, that is awesome what you shared here… so simple and yet so true… thank you for sharing your joy-full self.

     1. Thank you Yasmin.

185. So beautifully expressed Joshua, thank you. 🙂

     1. My pleasure Suzanne.

186. Thank you for all you have exposed here Joshua. I too have been a seemingly “nice relaxed easy going” person, who in fact held myself back chronically from expressing how I really felt. I never thought of it in terms of control, but that is exactly what it is, it just goes about it in a different way to the obvious controlling personality. And I was for a long time, completely unaware of how I was keeping people out, by so doing.

     Gosh, so much unlearning in progress but well worth it. I have learned I am so amazing, so awesome and so wonderful, the world deserves to know the real me. Thank you Serge Benhayon for all you have exposed for us.

     1. What an awesome unlearning process it is too as you re-learn what it is like to really express to another, you and feel the freedom of doing so. For most this is so what they really want to do and I have found by expressing more of me, I can give the permission to do so. Thanks Felicity!

        1. You’re welcome! We all deserve to show our truth to the world.

     2. I can put my hand up to this pattern too Felicity.

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