For most of my life I have had anxiety of one degree or another, manifesting as compulsive hand washing at the age of eleven, to constant checking in my teens and adult years, along with panic attacks which I experienced palpitations, sweating and shaking… It was very exhausting and debilitating: a reaction to life’s stresses and all the beliefs in the world… the “shoulds and should nots“, “got to’s“, “it’s this… it’s that“, “it’s because of“… All the external views and opinions as opposed to what I was feeling within, along with a lack of trust in myself and my decisions.
I had tried many self-help strategies and various orthodox and complementary treatments, none of which had any lasting effect. I learned to live with it the best I could.
When I started attending and listening to the presentations of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine this began to change, and with the support to understand myself more deeply from Esoteric Practitioners, mainly Simone Benhayon, I began to care for myself and build a foundation of love for myself.
I developed an understanding of eating foods to support myself rather than feed my reactions and emotions, to really listen to my body and what I felt was right for me rather than doing what I thought was expected or that I should do: it’s amazing how these have underpinned most of my decisions and choices in life.
I have realised that anxiety is not who I am – it is a reaction that I can have a choice over.
When I could feel the anxiety rising I started to bring myself back to my body by feeling my hands and feet, how my body was moving, how my food tasted and felt in my mouth – just simple things that brought my focus back to me rather than the situation that was scaring me.
When I had times where this level of anxiety happened I would take extra care in nurturing myself to support myself through it, and afterwards, to help my body recover, by having a soothing bath with oils or bubble bath then tenderly putting cream on my body. Or by going for a gentle walk, making a calming cup of herbal tea or sitting quietly and listening to the birds in the trees.
Over time, as I continued to love and care for myself, building my foundation, I found that I wasn’t reacting in the way I used to. I noticed the situations would occur but I would stay steady. I may have wobbled a bit but I came back to a steadiness that was within me – it felt strong.
This steadiness is growing as I continue to build love and I find more and more I stay steady in situations that before would have completely thrown me: my trust in myself has grown so much.
I continue to work with this and now my anxiety is at a level where I feel it as a tension in my muscles, for example in my arms and across my shoulders. When I feel this in my body I know there is anxiety at play and I am then able to look at the cause and can stop it pretty quickly by bringing myself back to my body. I am now aware and can feel how it is a choice I am making and I can change that choice at any time, whereas before it just seemed to happen to me.
I no longer feel the need to check things now I have this steadiness inside me… it’s just not there. If from time to time my heart starts to pump, I say to myself: “It’s a choice, Ruth.” I can choose to feel differently, which I do by connecting to my steadiness, and it stops.
Trying to fix the anxiety didn’t work, but by loving and caring for myself it has naturally been diminishing.
Each day I experience how my steadiness keeps me much more balanced and able to deal with life, moment to moment. My energy levels are sustained and I get to enjoy the day so much more.
By Ruth Ketnor, London, UK