When I was a child I was scared of the dark, which is common for a lot of people. As I was going off to sleep I would often feel a presence around me that felt big, cold and imposing. I would not want to close my eyes and would choose to lie on my back so I could see every corner of my bedroom.
I was hypersensitive and could feel every little change in the energy around me. I was on high alert and there was so much tension in my body. It was very difficult to go to sleep and there was only so many times I could call my parents in to check and see if anything was under the bed or in the cupboard. They never found anything sneakily hiding in my room but without a doubt I could feel that something was there lurking in the shadows even though there was no visual proof.
I found it very difficult to accept what I was feeling in my body. The anxiousness felt so big and unbearable that I began to disconnect from my body and escape into my head where I would make up stories and run scenes of lovely images in my mind. This felt comforting and I would eventually fall off to sleep.
From this time on, I often used this escape plan of leaving my body and going into the head to deal with feelings that I didn’t want to accept were there. I noticed the hypersensitivity that was there all the time. I was forever on alert, watching and waiting for the next imposing feeling to be there and then I would use my emergency escape plan which was to go into my head and distract myself with thoughts for relief.
This disconnect from my body continued into adulthood. I would constantly run conversations through my mind, making plans or daydreaming about what might happen. It was like I was a walking head completely disconnected from my body and filled with distracting thoughts while I went about the activity of my life.
While on one level, this escaping seemed comforting, there was also a constant feeling of raciness and a huge anxiety that I couldn’t ignore. I understood that I had created this disconnection by dulling my awareness and I enjoyed the relief it provided, but what I didn’t account for was the misery it also brought to my life.
Choosing to live in this dulled down way felt like a part of me was achingly missing – no wonder I was always anxious!
With the support of Universal Medicine’s Healing modalities I have been re-connecting with my body, re-building my awareness and escaping less and less into my mind. I have also reconnected to the truth that all is energy and that there has always been an unseen energetic outplay rippling underneath the physicality of life that we all have experienced but rarely speak of. For example, we have all felt what it is like when we talk with a friend who says they are fine but we can feel that behind this “I’m ok” facade there is something disturbing them.
We feel this energetic outplay all the time; we cannot stop feeling it but we can choose to live in a way, like I did, that numbs this awareness and makes us feel like it doesn’t exist. We can come back from this choice though, by connecting to our body and allowing ourselves once again to be honest about how and what we feel.
The other day I went to a whole new level with this connection and I had the most exquisite feeling of surrender where my body was leading and my mind was following smoothly along. I felt so solid and grounded; there was an unwavering confidence that my body just knew how to move and what to do next.
I also felt open to accepting all that was going on around me, no judgment, simply acceptance with a knowing that with this connection to my body I could handle anything that was to come my way.
The harmony I felt was amazing and yet so natural and it felt like every cell in my body was working as one. My mind was not racy, it was clear and focused on how my movements flowed and the centeredness I felt.
There was such a home-like quality in this level of surrender to my body, I knew without a doubt this is the way we are meant to live: the wisdom of the body leading with the mind in full presence and focusing on every minute movement that is made.
The depth of this experience has left a beautiful new point of knowing for me to build on. I have strengthened my commitment to let go of my escape plan and continue to build this relationship with my body that supports me to feel the enormous wisdom that we all hold within.
I now know without a doubt that to let ourselves feel and be aware of all that goes on around us is one of our greatest assets, because this means we can have a true understanding of the energetic outplay of all things and thus make choices that support us to stay in our connection and keep building our knowing of life.
By Bianca Barban, Registered Nurse, Melbourne