When I was a child I was scared of the dark, which is common for a lot of people. As I was going off to sleep I would often feel a presence around me that felt big, cold and imposing. I would not want to close my eyes and would choose to lie on my back so I could see every corner of my bedroom.
I was hypersensitive and could feel every little change in the energy around me. I was on high alert and there was so much tension in my body. It was very difficult to go to sleep and there was only so many times I could call my parents in to check and see if anything was under the bed or in the cupboard. They never found anything sneakily hiding in my room but without a doubt I could feel that something was there lurking in the shadows even though there was no visual proof.
I found it very difficult to accept what I was feeling in my body. The anxiousness felt so big and unbearable that I began to disconnect from my body and escape into my head where I would make up stories and run scenes of lovely images in my mind. This felt comforting and I would eventually fall off to sleep.
From this time on, I often used this escape plan of leaving my body and going into the head to deal with feelings that I didn’t want to accept were there. I noticed the hypersensitivity that was there all the time. I was forever on alert, watching and waiting for the next imposing feeling to be there and then I would use my emergency escape plan which was to go into my head and distract myself with thoughts for relief.
This disconnect from my body continued into adulthood. I would constantly run conversations through my mind, making plans or daydreaming about what might happen. It was like I was a walking head completely disconnected from my body and filled with distracting thoughts while I went about the activity of my life.
While on one level, this escaping seemed comforting, there was also a constant feeling of raciness and a huge anxiety that I couldn’t ignore. I understood that I had created this disconnection by dulling my awareness and I enjoyed the relief it provided, but what I didn’t account for was the misery it also brought to my life.
Choosing to live in this dulled down way felt like a part of me was achingly missing – no wonder I was always anxious!
With the support of Universal Medicine’s Healing modalities I have been re-connecting with my body, re-building my awareness and escaping less and less into my mind. I have also reconnected to the truth that all is energy and that there has always been an unseen energetic outplay rippling underneath the physicality of life that we all have experienced but rarely speak of. For example, we have all felt what it is like when we talk with a friend who says they are fine but we can feel that behind this “I’m ok” facade there is something disturbing them.
We feel this energetic outplay all the time; we cannot stop feeling it but we can choose to live in a way, like I did, that numbs this awareness and makes us feel like it doesn’t exist. We can come back from this choice though, by connecting to our body and allowing ourselves once again to be honest about how and what we feel.
The other day I went to a whole new level with this connection and I had the most exquisite feeling of surrender where my body was leading and my mind was following smoothly along. I felt so solid and grounded; there was an unwavering confidence that my body just knew how to move and what to do next.
I also felt open to accepting all that was going on around me, no judgment, simply acceptance with a knowing that with this connection to my body I could handle anything that was to come my way.
The harmony I felt was amazing and yet so natural and it felt like every cell in my body was working as one. My mind was not racy, it was clear and focused on how my movements flowed and the centeredness I felt.
There was such a home-like quality in this level of surrender to my body, I knew without a doubt this is the way we are meant to live: the wisdom of the body leading with the mind in full presence and focusing on every minute movement that is made.
The depth of this experience has left a beautiful new point of knowing for me to build on. I have strengthened my commitment to let go of my escape plan and continue to build this relationship with my body that supports me to feel the enormous wisdom that we all hold within.
I now know without a doubt that to let ourselves feel and be aware of all that goes on around us is one of our greatest assets, because this means we can have a true understanding of the energetic outplay of all things and thus make choices that support us to stay in our connection and keep building our knowing of life.
By Bianca Barban, Registered Nurse, Melbourne
Everything Is Because of Energy
The Gift of Clairsentience: Reclaiming My Ability To Feel Energy
The Nature of Energy: A Bathtub Lesson
809 thoughts on “Letting Go of an Old Way of Protecting Myself”
I was also scared of the dark, as I could feel things around me that were there but couldn’t be seen and they terrified me especially at night. This was totally dismissed in my family, the narrative was that there was nothing to see and nothing to know, which puts a child on the back foot and undermining what they naturally feel. I wasn’t aware that this meant I disconnected from my body, until I started to attend the courses of Universal Medicine and saw some of the Universal Medicine practitioners, then it become obvious that I had disassociated from myself. Re-learning to read and understand energy has been one of the biggest hurdles to overcome as I had been led to believe that there is only one linear life and there is no energy to worry about. Now it makes complete sense that we are surrounded by energy and energy affects everything we do.
Pretending that dark energies are not there doesn’t make them disappear but they lose their potency when we recognise them for what they are.
I agree Bianca, what you share is so true, ‘I now know without a doubt that to let ourselves feel and be aware of all that goes on around us is one of our greatest assets’.
If I have an energetic understanding of a situation, I am less likely to react or demand/expect the situation to be a certain way that it is not.
Feeling our bodies and appreciating what our essences are connected to and thus we are also letting people in or True-intimacy deepens all our relationships.
It’s a wonderful reminder to honour the sensitivity we have, and how we have along the way developed tools that may not be truly supportive like escaping into our minds and becoming racy. I felt myself sinking more deeply into my body as I read, and it feels very settling to deepen that connection
Serge Benhayon’s workshops and healing modalities have really supported me to come increasingly back to my body, ‘With the support of Universal Medicine’s Healing modalities I have been re-connecting with my body, re-building my awareness and escaping less and less into my mind.’
One of the most important and empowering things we can do is to honour what a child feels and acknowledge that they can feel energy (as we all can).
Yes, it is important to honour what children feel, to allow them to share exactly what is happening in their lives.
We all have ‘enormous wisdom’ within us all, to appreciate this and live this brings greater understanding to everything we experience.
To give ourselves the permission that we have a connection to this ‘enormous wisdom’ that it is there for everyone to tap into and then to feel the resistance to this, shows us what energy is truly running us. One that does not want anything to do with the wisdom we can tap into because then the energy currently running our bodies would be exposed. It’s all about control and for the majority of us we are not aware or may be do not want to be aware of this fact. We are completely played, mere puppets, but who wants to admit to this as after all aren’t we supposed to be the most intelligent species on earth?
We like to think we are the most intelligent species on earth, but then, all too frequently our behaviours do not back that up.
How honest can we be with ourselves is always the question. Honesty about our choices and the effect they have on the body, and the effect on our short and long term health. The body always has to suffer the consequences of what we choose.
I can relate, as my escape plan was also to leave my body and go into my head and daydream, so as not to feel what I didn’t want to feel: the environment did not feel safe. Day dreaming was my escape.
Many of us went into our heads as a way of trying to cope with the world, and what we were feeling, ‘It was like I was a walking head completely disconnected from my body and filled with distracting thoughts while I went about the activity of my life.’
Awareness is the name of the game when it comes to reading energy and everything that comes at you. How aware or unaware you are comes down to how we live each day, and the energy we are choosing or aligning too, either spirit (all that which is not love) or Soul (love and brotherhood, all being equal).
jacqmcfadden04 you have raised another lesson that life comes to us, however we have been taught that we go out to life. There are so many lies about life but why is it we have been encouraged to dull our awareness by eating and drinking substances that keep us dull and disconnected. What if there was a bigger game being played here but we are so dull and disconnected we don’t realise we are the ones being played. How smart or intelligent are we really?
The escape plan into the mind is to run into a trap of thinking you are escaping but to stay with the awareness in the body you know you are grander than anything in the darkness.
When we check out of a situation and go into our head in order to escape we think we have found an answer yet it is not long before we realise that we miss out on so much because we are not in full connection with our body and that it is through that connection that we find a greater wisdom.
I could have written the first paragraph of this very relatable blog. Yes, I too was that child who lay in bed for many nights, terrified of what I could feel, not wanting to breathe, holding myself so still, hoping that whatever it was would go away. No wonder I used to go off into fantasy land so often, a form of escape that stayed with me for so much of my life. It has taken a long time to let go of the need to escape, but I finally have, and these days I am enjoying living fully in the world instead of hiding away in fantasy land.
When we let our body lead there is a solidness and a knowing of how to move and be we will never experience with going into our head and living from this lonely place, our head seperates us from the rest of our body but also from the rest of humanity.
The image of the walking head… This is so real and such a true reflection of what is happening for so many many people.
You make it so clear how protection offers us a level of comfort, but it is actually incarceration that costs us our true power.
We go into repose when it gets dark. Yet, our relationship with repose and darkness may not be an easy one. If we need light to feel relief, does this fact affect the quality of what we get during our repose?
It is only, when we truly start to feel the interplay of everything around us that we can start to know, what is consistently manipulating us, and also what is there for us to totally trust
There is so much more to life than what we can physically see, ‘ I have also reconnected to the truth that all is energy and that there has always been an unseen energetic outplay rippling underneath the physicality of life that we all have experienced but rarely speak of. ‘
It’s no wonder children often begin to escape from themselves when so much is going on around them that they struggle to understand, as do the adults in their lives. I know now that the night terrors I experienced for many years were not of my own making or my imagination but an energy that was trying to get at me to destabilise the very wise and joyful child I was and it succeeded many times. Finally coming to understand the energies that are always around us has supported me to ‘let go of the old way of protecting myself’, a way that in itself was very harming to this precious body of mine. I now know that staying connected to me and to my inner heart is all the protection I need.
Reading this blog I got to wondering about why so many kids have trouble getting to sleep and are scared at night. I certainly was scared at night and would lie awake looking for things in the shadows and when I would fall asleep I would have nightmares. Does the fact that most adults outgrow this fear show that we lose/numb our sensitivity or deny/can’t feel all the energies that are around us?
To leave our bodies and go into our heads is such a trap and one we easily take, but in essence we abandon us and in doing so leave our bodies at the mercy of life and it’s many unseen forces. Far wiser to keep our minds with our bodies and let our bodies lead.
I totally agree with you Monica but until Serge Benhayon came along and started to present life and discuss energy, who amoung us knew any of this? Serge Benhayon has been presenting on this subject and many more for over 20 years now but we are so saturated with the ideals and beliefs that the mind is king, that it has been quite a journey of rediscovery for many of us. To realise this is not actually true, that it is the body that actually knows more than our minds because it is connected through its divine particles to the universe which is a vast intelligence beyond my understanding.
Great article Bianca. Indeed if we stay in our bodies we have a natural confidence and are able to handle any energy that might come towards us. Tension this will give but cannot affect us.
It feels like when we sleep in the fetal position we are trying to protect ourselves but what I have found is that it takes more energy to sleep like that and I would wake up feeling the tension in my muscles. The opposite to this is sleeping on your back where there is transparency, and the body can surrender deeper, with no protection needed.
Tracking back to that first time you start to check out of the body and disappear into the head is such a great opportunity to understand where the seed of escapism was planted. We know what we feel but when it is not confirmed we doubt ourselves and that is the start of a very slippery road.
‘Choosing to live in this dulled down way felt like a part of me was achingly missing – no wonder I was always anxious!’ I can relate to this and being in my head, thinking, completely disconnected made me controlling as well which was the cause of even more anxiousness. I thought I was protected but I wasn’t at all, living in connection with my body gives me all the wisdom I need to feel solid and with myself, not a part but activating the whole.
Annelies I know what you mean we ‘think’ we are protecting ourselves but it’s such a false way of living as it is impossible to protect ourselves as energy is passing through us all the time, how can we protect ourselves against something we cannot see?
The mere fact that we tend to go into our heads to escape the imposing feeling of a presence around us as a child proves to me that these spiritual forces do indeed exist, for why would a child make up such a negative experience as that and continuously feel a cold, foreboding presence at night?
To stay connected to the body is key, I can then catch myself more easily when I check out or wander off into my mind.
Being honest and aware that we have an escape plan, can be the beginning of change. I can relate to the raciness and supposed escape into the mind where all is safe. But it is actually in being with and reconnected to our bodies that we are safe.
Thank you Bianca, old ways of protecting yourself simply do no longer make sense when you have connected to a deeper love within yourself.
Wow Bianca, this blog is as if it has been written on my behalf – being so aware of energy changes and building up enormous anxiousness in my body and the disconnection to it, to the detriment of the nervous system.
This disconnection began to change somewhat over the years, but attending presentations with Serge Benhayon was the key that offered the opportunity to re-connect to that which is real and true within us.
“I found it very difficult to accept what I was feeling in my body. The anxiousness felt so big and unbearable that I began to disconnect from my body and escape into my head where I would make up stories and run scenes of lovely images in my mind. This felt comforting and I would eventually fall off to sleep”.
When we disconnect from our bodies there is that feeling of relief, but also unease, because we know that the relief is only temporary, and all of the tension, the raciness, the stuff we don’t want to feel, is there waiting for us to connect to it and deal with it. There’s nothing we need to ‘do’ to deal with it – just by allowing ourselves to feel it, it dissipates, and we can let it go.
yes often there is a push to ‘do’ something about it, make it better, stop it in its tracks, hope it will go away or whatever we think we need to do. But feeling it is the only way to allow it to lose its grip and then be let go off. I can never be reminded too many times of the power of simply feeling something.
Simply feeling things can be very healing, ‘feeling it is the only way to allow it to lose its grip and then be let go off. I can never be reminded too many times of the power of simply feeling something.’
So true, if we just acknowledge what we are feeling the tension eases.
When we feel centered and at home with our body the flow of our movements cannot but be filled with grace and integrity.
I could only watch so much TV until my eyes hurt. Or eat or work so much until I get sick. But going off into my mind didn’t appear to have any side affects. Making that link between daydreaming and anxiousness and misery I’d definitely agree. Esoteric Yoga has shown me how disturbing daydreaming can be, especially on my nervous system.
Feeling everything is what we do, letting ourselves be aware of what we feel is the key to no longer being afraid of life as it actually enriches our lives, but I know I only let myself be aware of a smidgen of what is really going on every moment of every day, positively and negatively. The constant measurement of how life is is a major game of control most of us play in order to try and be secure and protected. It is such a false economy that only exhausts us. Better to let go and feel everything and allow.
I also used to escape life by leaving my body and going into my head and dreaming off. This does and has to cause a lot of anxiety as it is like driving a car whilst sitting on the bonnet looking in the other direction! Not a safe feeling at all. When I eventually hopped off the bonnet and sat once again in the driver’s seat my anxiety ceased. Simple as that.
“Choosing to live in this dulled down way felt like a part of me was achingly missing – no wonder I was always anxious!” What you have written here makes so much sense of my life as a child, in fact most of my life. It makes sense because if we are not living from and with all of us we are forever searching for something to fill the emptiness we have created, and so, continuously living with the feeling that we don’t have everything we need, the seeds of anxiety are sown.
Thank you for sharing your life affirming confirmation that if we surrender to moving with our body then our minds have the opportunity to support rather than sabotage this harmony as we move through our days with no need of an escape plan.
Thank you Bianca, all it shows is that protecting ourselves is making us feel not enough and continuously casts out that we don’t want to be love or beloved whilst actually we deep down do. Playing with our hurts is even more painful as opening up doesn’t hurt at all!
One of the greatest lessons I have understood from Serge Benhayon is that energy is in, through and the cause of everything.
That awareness of the energy that is all around us all of the time seems elusive to me somehow, and yet there is so much information about what is really going on all of the time and we are mugs if we don’t choose to read that.
It’s an all too common story of how children are bullied by things that are unseen by adults, and there needs to be more conversation around this. I specifically remember this happening to my two daughters when they were little but because I had some understanding of these things I did not dismiss there cries and anxiety.
I love these moments offered by the soul. Moments that allow us to feel life living from soul. They offer a marker, a point of light within that we can refer to that holds truth and absoluteness of where we’re from and who we are.