Letting Go of an Old Way of Protecting Myself

When I was a child I was scared of the dark, which is common for a lot of people. As I was going off to sleep I would often feel a presence around me that felt big, cold and imposing. I would not want to close my eyes and would choose to lie on my back so I could see every corner of my bedroom.

I was hypersensitive and could feel every little change in the energy around me. I was on high alert and there was so much tension in my body. It was very difficult to go to sleep and there was only so many times I could call my parents in to check and see if anything was under the bed or in the cupboard. They never found anything sneakily hiding in my room but without a doubt I could feel that something was there lurking in the shadows even though there was no visual proof.

I found it very difficult to accept what I was feeling in my body. The anxiousness felt so big and unbearable that I began to disconnect from my body and escape into my head where I would make up stories and run scenes of lovely images in my mind. This felt comforting and I would eventually fall off to sleep.

From this time on, I often used this escape plan of leaving my body and going into the head to deal with feelings that I didn’t want to accept were there. I noticed the hypersensitivity that was there all the time. I was forever on alert, watching and waiting for the next imposing feeling to be there and then I would use my emergency escape plan which was to go into my head and distract myself with thoughts for relief.

This disconnect from my body continued into adulthood. I would constantly run conversations through my mind, making plans or daydreaming about what might happen. It was like I was a walking head completely disconnected from my body and filled with distracting thoughts while I went about the activity of my life.

While on one level, this escaping seemed comforting, there was also a constant feeling of raciness and a huge anxiety that I couldn’t ignore. I understood that I had created this disconnection by dulling my awareness and I enjoyed the relief it provided, but what I didn’t account for was the misery it also brought to my life.

Choosing to live in this dulled down way felt like a part of me was achingly missing – no wonder I was always anxious!

With the support of Universal Medicine’s Healing modalities I have been re-connecting with my body, re-building my awareness and escaping less and less into my mind. I have also reconnected to the truth that all is energy and that there has always been an unseen energetic outplay rippling underneath the physicality of life that we all have experienced but rarely speak of. For example, we have all felt what it is like when we talk with a friend who says they are fine but we can feel that behind this “I’m ok” facade there is something disturbing them.

We feel this energetic outplay all the time; we cannot stop feeling it but we can choose to live in a way, like I did, that numbs this awareness and makes us feel like it doesn’t exist. We can come back from this choice though, by connecting to our body and allowing ourselves once again to be honest about how and what we feel.

The other day I went to a whole new level with this connection and I had the most exquisite feeling of surrender where my body was leading and my mind was following smoothly along. I felt so solid and grounded; there was an unwavering confidence that my body just knew how to move and what to do next.

I also felt open to accepting all that was going on around me, no judgment, simply acceptance with a knowing that with this connection to my body I could handle anything that was to come my way.

The harmony I felt was amazing and yet so natural and it felt like every cell in my body was working as one. My mind was not racy, it was clear and focused on how my movements flowed and the centeredness I felt.

There was such a home-like quality in this level of surrender to my body, I knew without a doubt this is the way we are meant to live: the wisdom of the body leading with the mind in full presence and focusing on every minute movement that is made.

The depth of this experience has left a beautiful new point of knowing for me to build on. I have strengthened my commitment to let go of my escape plan and continue to build this relationship with my body that supports me to feel the enormous wisdom that we all hold within.

I now know without a doubt that to let ourselves feel and be aware of all that goes on around us is one of our greatest assets, because this means we can have a true understanding of the energetic outplay of all things and thus make choices that support us to stay in our connection and keep building our knowing of life.

By Bianca Barban, Registered Nurse, Melbourne

Further Reading:
Everything Is Because of Energy
The Gift of Clairsentience: Reclaiming My Ability To Feel Energy
The Nature of Energy: A Bathtub Lesson

813 thoughts on “Letting Go of an Old Way of Protecting Myself

  1. When we let our body lead there is a solidness and a knowing of how to move and be we will never experience with going into our head and living from this lonely place, our head seperates us from the rest of our body but also from the rest of humanity.

  2. You make it so clear how protection offers us a level of comfort, but it is actually incarceration that costs us our true power.

  3. We go into repose when it gets dark. Yet, our relationship with repose and darkness may not be an easy one. If we need light to feel relief, does this fact affect the quality of what we get during our repose?

  4. It is only, when we truly start to feel the interplay of everything around us that we can start to know, what is consistently manipulating us, and also what is there for us to totally trust

  5. It’s no wonder children often begin to escape from themselves when so much is going on around them that they struggle to understand, as do the adults in their lives. I know now that the night terrors I experienced for many years were not of my own making or my imagination but an energy that was trying to get at me to destabilise the very wise and joyful child I was and it succeeded many times. Finally coming to understand the energies that are always around us has supported me to ‘let go of the old way of protecting myself’, a way that in itself was very harming to this precious body of mine. I now know that staying connected to me and to my inner heart is all the protection I need.

  6. Reading this blog I got to wondering about why so many kids have trouble getting to sleep and are scared at night. I certainly was scared at night and would lie awake looking for things in the shadows and when I would fall asleep I would have nightmares. Does the fact that most adults outgrow this fear show that we lose/numb our sensitivity or deny/can’t feel all the energies that are around us?

  7. To leave our bodies and go into our heads is such a trap and one we easily take, but in essence we abandon us and in doing so leave our bodies at the mercy of life and it’s many unseen forces. Far wiser to keep our minds with our bodies and let our bodies lead.

  8. Great article Bianca. Indeed if we stay in our bodies we have a natural confidence and are able to handle any energy that might come towards us. Tension this will give but cannot affect us.

  9. It feels like when we sleep in the fetal position we are trying to protect ourselves but what I have found is that it takes more energy to sleep like that and I would wake up feeling the tension in my muscles. The opposite to this is sleeping on your back where there is transparency, and the body can surrender deeper, with no protection needed.

  10. Tracking back to that first time you start to check out of the body and disappear into the head is such a great opportunity to understand where the seed of escapism was planted. We know what we feel but when it is not confirmed we doubt ourselves and that is the start of a very slippery road.

  11. ‘Choosing to live in this dulled down way felt like a part of me was achingly missing – no wonder I was always anxious!’ I can relate to this and being in my head, thinking, completely disconnected made me controlling as well which was the cause of even more anxiousness. I thought I was protected but I wasn’t at all, living in connection with my body gives me all the wisdom I need to feel solid and with myself, not a part but activating the whole.

  12. The mere fact that we tend to go into our heads to escape the imposing feeling of a presence around us as a child proves to me that these spiritual forces do indeed exist, for why would a child make up such a negative experience as that and continuously feel a cold, foreboding presence at night?

  13. Being honest and aware that we have an escape plan, can be the beginning of change. I can relate to the raciness and supposed escape into the mind where all is safe. But it is actually in being with and reconnected to our bodies that we are safe.

  14. Wow Bianca, this blog is as if it has been written on my behalf – being so aware of energy changes and building up enormous anxiousness in my body and the disconnection to it, to the detriment of the nervous system.
    This disconnection began to change somewhat over the years, but attending presentations with Serge Benhayon was the key that offered the opportunity to re-connect to that which is real and true within us.
    “I found it very difficult to accept what I was feeling in my body. The anxiousness felt so big and unbearable that I began to disconnect from my body and escape into my head where I would make up stories and run scenes of lovely images in my mind. This felt comforting and I would eventually fall off to sleep”.

  15. When we disconnect from our bodies there is that feeling of relief, but also unease, because we know that the relief is only temporary, and all of the tension, the raciness, the stuff we don’t want to feel, is there waiting for us to connect to it and deal with it. There’s nothing we need to ‘do’ to deal with it – just by allowing ourselves to feel it, it dissipates, and we can let it go.

    1. yes often there is a push to ‘do’ something about it, make it better, stop it in its tracks, hope it will go away or whatever we think we need to do. But feeling it is the only way to allow it to lose its grip and then be let go off. I can never be reminded too many times of the power of simply feeling something.

  16. When we feel centered and at home with our body the flow of our movements cannot but be filled with grace and integrity.

  17. I could only watch so much TV until my eyes hurt. Or eat or work so much until I get sick. But going off into my mind didn’t appear to have any side affects. Making that link between daydreaming and anxiousness and misery I’d definitely agree. Esoteric Yoga has shown me how disturbing daydreaming can be, especially on my nervous system.

  18. Feeling everything is what we do, letting ourselves be aware of what we feel is the key to no longer being afraid of life as it actually enriches our lives, but I know I only let myself be aware of a smidgen of what is really going on every moment of every day, positively and negatively. The constant measurement of how life is is a major game of control most of us play in order to try and be secure and protected. It is such a false economy that only exhausts us. Better to let go and feel everything and allow.

  19. I also used to escape life by leaving my body and going into my head and dreaming off. This does and has to cause a lot of anxiety as it is like driving a car whilst sitting on the bonnet looking in the other direction! Not a safe feeling at all. When I eventually hopped off the bonnet and sat once again in the driver’s seat my anxiety ceased. Simple as that.

  20. “Choosing to live in this dulled down way felt like a part of me was achingly missing – no wonder I was always anxious!” What you have written here makes so much sense of my life as a child, in fact most of my life. It makes sense because if we are not living from and with all of us we are forever searching for something to fill the emptiness we have created, and so, continuously living with the feeling that we don’t have everything we need, the seeds of anxiety are sown.

  21. Thank you for sharing your life affirming confirmation that if we surrender to moving with our body then our minds have the opportunity to support rather than sabotage this harmony as we move through our days with no need of an escape plan.

  22. Thank you Bianca, all it shows is that protecting ourselves is making us feel not enough and continuously casts out that we don’t want to be love or beloved whilst actually we deep down do. Playing with our hurts is even more painful as opening up doesn’t hurt at all!

  23. One of the greatest lessons I have understood from Serge Benhayon is that energy is in, through and the cause of everything.

  24. That awareness of the energy that is all around us all of the time seems elusive to me somehow, and yet there is so much information about what is really going on all of the time and we are mugs if we don’t choose to read that.

  25. It’s an all too common story of how children are bullied by things that are unseen by adults, and there needs to be more conversation around this. I specifically remember this happening to my two daughters when they were little but because I had some understanding of these things I did not dismiss there cries and anxiety.

  26. I love these moments offered by the soul. Moments that allow us to feel life living from soul. They offer a marker, a point of light within that we can refer to that holds truth and absoluteness of where we’re from and who we are.

  27. Anxiousness is feeling that we are not able to cope with what we are going to be faced with, and as I am understanding it now it is a choice I make, when I make life about connection, staying with my body instead of going into my head, I feel much more settled.

  28. Thank you Bianca, it’s always a reminder for me when I read this that the over thinking is a way to try to cope with being sensitive to all I feel in life, an escape plan that unfortunately has its own consequences. This is a great line about learning to live from the whole body and what it brings “a knowing that with this connection to my body I could handle anything that was to come my way.”

  29. It shows us that through feeling our body and connecting to it step by step deeper, we actually start to understand energy and its flow through us. And actually does our physicality and our non-physicality starts to co-relate and make sense.

  30. When i go into anxiety or feel myself getting anxious about something… i know that i’ve left not just myself but also myself in connection with my body.. And that easiest way to feel less tense, less anxious and restore some of the lost confidence is through movement. Movement changes the thoughts, and changed thoughts lead to moving differently.

  31. Whether we want to be aware of it or not we all get affected by all of the unsaid stuff that is there between people, it seems the more we ignore it the more affected we are and the more we choose to read it, then we give ourselves the opportunity to not be affected by it.

  32. We so need to start supporting and teaching kids how to be with these forces and presences they feel. So many people have experienced the sense that you are not alone, that there is a shadow lurking somewhere in the room or as kids had the ‘monsters’ visit us while we’re sleeping, yet we still don’t talk about this openly in conversations and for speaking up you can be labelled ‘crazy’.

    1. I so agree Susie W. I was told that it was all in my imagination but I could feel that there was some anxiety in my mother sometimes when I told her what was scary to me as a child. I feel she could feel things too but just wanted to reassure us as children and pretend there was no such thing as unseen forces, when all along she knew there were. Our society is a lot more open now but generally I feel children are not told the truth about the energies at play. Serge Benhayon has been very clear about how these different energies work and it has helped me to understand so much that before was mysterious and no one seemed to have answers for.

  33. So the more we surrender to the love and truth within the more solid our foundation and the less the outside affects us. From experience I know this to be true the more I am connected with me my sensitivity stays the same but energy that does not feel harmonious outside of me affects me less and less. Although this is still very much in progress and I feel like this is just the tip the iceberg with regards to just how much love I can be.

  34. We may talk about protection (new or old ways). We may also talk about the same but by only talking about movements. In the first we are mainly individuals and remain us such. In the second, we bring everything and everyone with us. To keep moving freely is the key.

  35. When we go into protection to not feel, we actually close the door on so much more. And the reality is you can actually never not feel, it is impossible as energy runs through us all the time. You can check out, disassociate, build up walls of protection, but not actually stop it. It is wiser to begin to understand energy, and support yourself to stay with your body and to feel what is going on, and from there you can begin to access the incredible wisdom that your body offers you.

  36. It is interesting I chose to re-read this Bianca. I have been observing a pattern and caught myself withdrawing and putting up walls of protection recently. But when i felt the quality of the energy within me, I was able to stay open and let go and simply hold me and express from the reconnection within my body. No protection or reaction.. it was very cool.

  37. Bianca, this feels very true; ‘simply acceptance with a knowing that with this connection to my body I could handle anything that was to come my way’, when I choose to be present in my body I feel a solidness, strength and power, I feel confident in what I am doing and what to say, this feels like a very simple, beautiful way to live and a way I am choosing more and more.

  38. It’s great to break down the realities of life; that we are sensitive and aware of the energetic outplay behind the physical, and that there can be a lot to feel that is uncomfortable or imposing, and this can lead to habits like racy thinking or other ways to dull or make ourselves heavy to stop our awareness. We can either try to escape or fight the body somehow, but as you have shared Bianca actually being with the body and letting it lead fully equips us to deal with what is in front of us.

  39. Connecting to the body and honouring it for all that it brings is to live in harmony with ourselves and each other. When we choose to ignore our body it will offer us a healing by way of illness and disease at which point we can either carry on as before or by beginning the path of return to a way of livingness that brings true love and wisdom into our lives.

  40. I too was a child who was incredibly scared of the dark and convinced that there were monsters waiting to get me. My parents just didn’t know how to deal with this fear so I can feel that like you I began to build walls of protection around myself, walls that sadly not only kept the ‘monsters’ out but also everyone else. And of course, at the same time those walls kept me separated from the world. It goes to show that our children need all the support that is possible when they share their fears so that the world can feel like a safe place for them to live in and those walls do not need to be built.

  41. What we life is what we breathe so the quality of breath is our everything. Our movement that is one with our breath than equalls importance and so is our daily interaction effected and so on and on.. Powerful when we understand the authority we have once we step into our power that is our responsibility from the angle we need to particulary shine – on

  42. When I choose anxiousness to not feel my fragility I am leaving myself behind and play ball with my body, it is a complete disconnection from the wisdom of the body. My way to come back to me and my tenderness is to feel the smallest movements and sensations in parts of my body and to allow my body to guide me.

  43. I was walking down a dark alleyway just the other day and felt someoone walking up behind me which confirmed how aware I am of all that is going on around me, naturally so. I then have a choice to either embrace this awareness or choose to dull it down and convince myself that it’s not really happening.

  44. “I also felt open to accepting all that was going on around me, no judgment, simply acceptance with a knowing that with this connection to my body I could handle anything that was to come my way.” We can forget that in trying to protect ourselves or not feel what is going on around us, we leave ourselves open to not being able to deal with what we feel and what happens because we feel ‘blindsided’. If we stay open to feeling everything we are likely to find we are fully equipped to deal with it all.

  45. re-reading this blog made me realise that pretty much every child has the experience of nightmares, feeling there are monsters in the room and being scared in the dark. I know I had. Yet we have never even stopped to explore what this is about and brush it off as if it is nothing. But once we realise all is energy we will know that nothing is nothing and we will be compelled to look deeper and uncover a energetic truth that was otherwise hidden but is real and true for every child in this world.

  46. What you share Bianca is both beautiful and profound, our body is so wise, ‘the wisdom of the body leading with the mind in full presence and focusing on every minute movement that is made.’ If we were to bring this way of living into our lives I am sure we would all experience a more loving way of being.

  47. Connecting with our bodies, being honest with what we feel, and allowing ourselves to surrender allows harmony to come in, ‘The other day I went to a whole new level with this connection and I had the most exquisite feeling of surrender where my body was leading and my mind was following smoothly along.’

  48. We really have gotten it all backwards by believing that we can protect ourselves from being hurt by dulling ourselves down and making a choice to not feel everything. The only true protection is allowing ourselves to be transparent and aware of all that is before us.

  49. I love how you have described the deepening connection to your body Bianca and the feeling of surrendering to allow the body to lead the way. This feels key to deepening our awareness and quality of presence building a solidness to our foundation to be able to stay open to accepting everything around us with true discernment.

  50. It is likely a common thing for many of us to have different strategies for not being with ourselves, as in feeling us in our body. Things like TV, drugs, alcohol, racy foods and so on. So when the decision is made to feel again, it can be a bit confronting, and take some time to adjust to this way of living while feeling who we truly are.

    1. Yes, it’s quite a journey and for me in the early days the anxiety and exhaustion was so extreme that I would frequently numb myself with coffee and cake before I was willing to really feel what was going on. Now, I would not even think of drinking coffee as I know it would take me away from the stillness and joy I feel in my body.

  51. Choosing to dull our awareness and escape in to our head, creates new problems in itself; bringing it back to being in our body and staying connected with our body is the way forward and what I am choosing.

  52. Escape plans we have many and some are quite sophisticated in the sense of being well accepted and or even held in high esteem as they fit the common standards or ideals like for example being very intelligent/intellectual, working hard, being successful, doing good, etc. It sometimes needs a wake -up call to shake us out of the slumber of numbness and comfort before we even get to recognise the insidious falseness we have happily bought into.

  53. It is a massive adjustment to stop escaping into my mind, to again trust my body and in that trust be absolutely willing to fill every cell that it is made up of with my presence. There is this constant trigger mechanism that I have, to protect, that goes off at the slightest thing that again reduces my presence, pulling away from fully owning my body. What I am coming to learn, through much trial and error, is that when I don’t fill my body, it is open to be filled, immediately with energy that is not me, that comes from the world around and this then alters my feelings and thoughts. My learning that what I have thought to be protection is actually when I am least protected, as my body is open to be filled with whatever. True protection, if you want to call it that is to fully allow my body to be filled with my essence.

    1. Thank you Leigh, I needed that reminder today. We are never empty so what are we allowing to fill the space left by us reducing who we are as a result of not wanting to feel all there is to feel? Embracing ourselves in full means not reacting to what we feel around us or see but simply observing it.

  54. There is so much in this blog that I can relate to. How do we let go of years of ingrained protection and not being aware of how much protection we are in, and how much we keep people at a safe distance unable to truly connect with others – this was my old life. With the support of the esoteric healing modalities, the barriers to my heart, one by one came tumbling down. My life now is so much richer in terms of connection and allowing myself to feel and discern energy.

  55. Protecting ourselves has never been healthy.. thus we need to find ourselves back and open ourselves up, letting go of this old way of protecting ourselves — so that we can truly be loving again.

  56. With the support of Universal Medicine amazing modalities, I was able to release so much baggage that I had collected over the years, most of it not mine…. and as I did, I was able to once again honour all that I felt and to trust all that I felt which I can feel now is the only true compass in life.

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