Letting Go of an Old Way of Protecting Myself

When I was a child I was scared of the dark, which is common for a lot of people. As I was going off to sleep I would often feel a presence around me that felt big, cold and imposing. I would not want to close my eyes and would choose to lie on my back so I could see every corner of my bedroom.

I was hypersensitive and could feel every little change in the energy around me. I was on high alert and there was so much tension in my body. It was very difficult to go to sleep and there was only so many times I could call my parents in to check and see if anything was under the bed or in the cupboard. They never found anything sneakily hiding in my room but without a doubt I could feel that something was there lurking in the shadows even though there was no visual proof.

I found it very difficult to accept what I was feeling in my body. The anxiousness felt so big and unbearable that I began to disconnect from my body and escape into my head where I would make up stories and run scenes of lovely images in my mind. This felt comforting and I would eventually fall off to sleep.

From this time on, I often used this escape plan of leaving my body and going into the head to deal with feelings that I didn’t want to accept were there. I noticed the hypersensitivity that was there all the time. I was forever on alert, watching and waiting for the next imposing feeling to be there and then I would use my emergency escape plan which was to go into my head and distract myself with thoughts for relief.

This disconnect from my body continued into adulthood. I would constantly run conversations through my mind, making plans or daydreaming about what might happen. It was like I was a walking head completely disconnected from my body and filled with distracting thoughts while I went about the activity of my life.

While on one level, this escaping seemed comforting, there was also a constant feeling of raciness and a huge anxiety that I couldn’t ignore. I understood that I had created this disconnection by dulling my awareness and I enjoyed the relief it provided, but what I didn’t account for was the misery it also brought to my life.

Choosing to live in this dulled down way felt like a part of me was achingly missing – no wonder I was always anxious!

With the support of Universal Medicine’s Healing modalities I have been re-connecting with my body, re-building my awareness and escaping less and less into my mind. I have also reconnected to the truth that all is energy and that there has always been an unseen energetic outplay rippling underneath the physicality of life that we all have experienced but rarely speak of. For example, we have all felt what it is like when we talk with a friend who says they are fine but we can feel that behind this “I’m ok” facade there is something disturbing them.

We feel this energetic outplay all the time; we cannot stop feeling it but we can choose to live in a way, like I did, that numbs this awareness and makes us feel like it doesn’t exist. We can come back from this choice though, by connecting to our body and allowing ourselves once again to be honest about how and what we feel.

The other day I went to a whole new level with this connection and I had the most exquisite feeling of surrender where my body was leading and my mind was following smoothly along. I felt so solid and grounded; there was an unwavering confidence that my body just knew how to move and what to do next.

I also felt open to accepting all that was going on around me, no judgment, simply acceptance with a knowing that with this connection to my body I could handle anything that was to come my way.

The harmony I felt was amazing and yet so natural and it felt like every cell in my body was working as one. My mind was not racy, it was clear and focused on how my movements flowed and the centeredness I felt.

There was such a home-like quality in this level of surrender to my body, I knew without a doubt this is the way we are meant to live: the wisdom of the body leading with the mind in full presence and focusing on every minute movement that is made.

The depth of this experience has left a beautiful new point of knowing for me to build on. I have strengthened my commitment to let go of my escape plan and continue to build this relationship with my body that supports me to feel the enormous wisdom that we all hold within.

I now know without a doubt that to let ourselves feel and be aware of all that goes on around us is one of our greatest assets, because this means we can have a true understanding of the energetic outplay of all things and thus make choices that support us to stay in our connection and keep building our knowing of life.

By Bianca Barban, Registered Nurse, Melbourne

Further Reading:
Everything Is Because of Energy
The Gift of Clairsentience: Reclaiming My Ability To Feel Energy
The Nature of Energy: A Bathtub Lesson

674 thoughts on “Letting Go of an Old Way of Protecting Myself

  1. Surrendering to being in my body is a choice I might have to consciously remind myself to do. Without surrendering to my body I’m in my head, then creating more tension and complication than is needed. With surrendering comes the clarity and simplicity, and a loving way to be with myself and everyone.

  2. There are movies, cartoons, about monsters scaring children in the night. I hadn’t clocked the relevance and reality before between what we think it ‘make believe’ and what is actually happening.

  3. Without judgment life is instantly simple and in my experience the answer just appears. Yet we lace so much in life with our own version of it which makes understanding life and what is truly going on impossible…hence we end up with cartoons about monsters that don’t deliver the truth about how to support children to deal with them.

  4. I can so relate to your blog and the anxiousness that is caused when we start numbing our body to feel due to the fear of the unknown energy lurking around us. But like you share “We can come back from this choice though, by connecting to our body and allowing ourselves once again to be honest about how and what we feel.” It has been a steady unfoldment but supper supportive as I have been building a foundation to come back to my body and not be in my head, the anxiousness has begun to fade, this is so much more loving and supportive.

  5. It is so common for us to find a way to escape from what we are feeling without truly connecting and understanding what it is that we are trying to run from. Often it is an opportunity or point of evolution that we do not want to face or take responsibility for, so the willingness to surrender at these times is paramount for in the surrender, the infinite wisdom of the body knows the next movement to make.

  6. “I felt so solid and grounded; there was an unwavering confidence that my body just knew how to move and what to do next.” Great blog and observation, this is the way it is meant to be, we are meant to be connected to our bodies and then to move in such a way eliminates all self doubt, I am learning to surrender more and trust the own wisdom of my body and every time I do I feel the bigger picture and I lose the part of me that wants to make life all about me which in turn benefits everyone.

  7. I recently dropped a neighbour off to the health centre not far from where I live and waited in the reception. It was interesting to share conversations with other people about their ailments and the tension they were feeling in their body. When the stories of hardships, stresses and strains started to flow a connection was made of how we protect our body in order to deal with the onslaught of behaviours from others. It is timely that this blog shares the powerful teachings of Serge Benhayon and the simplicity of life that we can come to know if we choose not to allow that which is not true out or in.

  8. I’m feel that most of us live our lives like this
    “I would constantly run conversations through my mind, making plans or daydreaming about what might happen. It was like I was a walking head completely disconnected from my body and filled with distracting thoughts while I went about the activity of my life.”
    But it has it’s side effects as the body is kept on constant alert and running on nervous energy and this surely has to have an affect on our bodies? So is it any wonder that we use coffee and sugar to race the body even more to try and mask the nervous tension we are running the body with because we don’t want to feel our disconnection.

  9. Connection to my body has been one of the greatest teachings offered by Universal Medicine. It changes how I see myself, how I move, how I exercise, even how I breathe. It has been a marker of my health greater than I could possibly have imagined.

    1. For a long time I avoided this connection, thinking I was connecting with my body but still resolutely holding on to what I thought connection looked like, so as to avoid feeling and looking at my own choices. Slowing down, not filling every second of every day with constant activity, has strengthened this connection and given me the space to actually feel what’s going on within and around me.

  10. Fabulous article Bianca, thank you. Your description of your childhood in particular has just helped a personal penny to drop – understanding the depth to which I too was reading and feeling and not knowing what to do with that other than to escape into my head, mostly through books and then a little later on TV and mental activity. Food has been another big comfort. Thankfully, also like yourself, I’ve re-learned via Universal Medicine another way to be so I am no longer just a body propelling an over-active mind around.

  11. I have lived most of my life like this ‘I was forever on alert, watching and waiting for the next imposing feeling to be there and then I would use my emergency escape plan which was to go into my head and distract myself with thoughts for relief.’ Like you (and most people) I am very sensitive to energy and I was always on alert, in fact I lived on ‘alert’ being aware of energies that didn’t feel great and feeling that had power over me. Sometimes feeling intimidated even if I was in a room on my own! Since knowing Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I have claimed myself more within my body, have a deeper and true understanding of energy and no longer live in ‘alert’ mode I still have awareness of what goes on around me in the physical and non-physical but this no longer dictates my life instead it is the love within … well more so than this has ever been and always work in progress : )

  12. Bianca, this is great to read and very helpful, my son has trouble sleeping at night sometimes because he feels scared, it feels lovely to be able to share with him that ‘with this connection to my body I could handle anything that was to come my way.’

  13. “I was hypersensitive and could feel every little change in the energy around me. I was on high alert and there was so much tension in my body.” This is a level of awareness that never goes away. I feel we just learn how to read situations better in life experience and deepen our understanding of how to be ok with the intensity. Observing it and not absorbing it, as a wise man once said. It makes so much sense.

  14. Protecting is such great topic to discuss as it can reveal much of the unnessesary in life. How we are used to protect ourselves from hardness instead of love. Which in fact, it makes more sense to protect ourselves from a love and abundance, than to actually close ourselves off from it , which makes us feel unsafe in the first palce, and than put up a wall or behavior to protect ourselves second. it simply makes no sense. But it is beautiful to out date it, and call it for what it is , as we all know it is simply a choice were we can love ourselves as it is our One and Only true protection. The one we actually need.

  15. Hi Bianca – like you I know I am deeply sensitive and can feel a lot. I feel what is going on around me and I too have tried to go to my head to avoid the feeling. But in that I am not myself, not open, not connecting to my body. What a waste. Now I know that it is OK and natural to be sensitive and feel everything and when I claim that It Is possible to feel something but observe it rather than take it on, that brings a settlement to my body,

  16. Thank you Bianca. Lately I have noticed moments when I will ‘zone out’ and even though I am in one place in the room with people, for example with friends, work colleagues or family, my thoughts can be elsewhere. And this actually feels strange, and makes me wonder why would I want to be anywhere else but with all these amazing people, and especially with myself?

  17. Bianca, this is really lovely, ‘the wisdom of the body leading with the mind in full presence and focusing on every minute movement that is made.’ I notice that when I focus on my movements – how I cross my legs, how I place my hands and feeling my feet as I walk for example, that this feels very simple and powerful, I get to feel my femininity and loveliness and it means that I am present in my body and not in my head thinking all sorts of unnecessary things.

  18. i know how that feels, to know something is there, and yet have no one supporting you to give voice to that experience. I am so glad to have come across the works of universal medicine so that i can be validated in what i always knew was going on.

  19. its so obvious that as children we are not dumb, we really do know and feel all kinds of things. the way the world is set up is so disregarding of this however, and falsely set up that adults are the ones who ‘know’ and that kids are not naturally feeling to be aware of all that is going on in life, and just don’t know always know how to express or deal with things that are so undeniably occurring in their lives, Kids instinctively know who to be around and who doesnt feel right- if given a chance they can tell us so much about what is going on.

  20. I can very much relate to escaping into mind – and although it was the comfort I was seeking, it was not always lovely thoughts that I entertained, it could actually be totally horrible and negative and certainly not the kind of thoughts I would willingly choose to have. How is that possible?! I thought I was escaping from the nasties and the horribles of the world, but somehow I trapped myself in a world full of unpleasant thoughts that I had no idea where they came from so I reasoned it must have been me. We become an easy prey for the astral to have its way when we vacate our body and refuse to feel what we feel.

  21. I could so relate to what you have shared here Bianca, especially around escaping into ones head as a young girl. This was a form of protection and not wanting to truly feel what was going on around me. As well as not wanting to really stay connected to the amazing little girl i was. I would daydream, have entire conversations in my head with people and replay situations, all the while not at all appreciating who I was or have any connection with my body. This has now changed immensely, thanks to the amazing presentations and support from Universal Medicine.

  22. I can remember being anxious of the dark as a child, and would always want a light left on when I went to bed. I could sense there were energies around that wanted to frighten me, but it was not something I ever shared with ayone. As I got older I would listen to music or drift off into some fantasy in the hope that I would go to sleep before anything could scare me. So it was very confirming to learn from presentations by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that what I was feeling was not something I had made up, but was in fact very real. Children feel everything and we should never dismiss what they are telling us when they talk about what they can see, even though we as adults may not see what they are talking about.

    1. It is remarkable that such a huge number of us adults have been deeply hurt by having our awareness and expression dismissed and even at times ridiculed as a child (although no one can be blamed for this as for generations we have not known any better). It seems we do such a great job at becoming numb to our hurts and making ourselves forget what happened that we end up doing exactly the same to the young ones in our own lives! It is a great blessing that so many have been supported by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine to heal the hurts they have been carrying and to reconnect to their innate awareness and understanding of the energetic dynamics at play through life.

  23. It’s crazy how we need to surrender so that our natural way can lead in every moment. The mind is a controlling force and the power we have allowed is such that humanity have come to believe that it is who they are, to the degree that the body is totally over-ridden and completely disconnected from. Serge Benhayon has exposed the choices we have been making and the wisdom of the body that is there to be chosen – this is to be celebrated, this is evolutionary.

  24. I can very much relate to what you are sharing, and it is like a breath of fresh air when I am able to make the choice to surrender and feel my every movement, knowing that it is right. It is our true way to live, living from the movements of our body a movement in sync with what we think, conscious presence is such an important tool to practice.

  25. So true Bianca, it is all intrinsically linked… to be open and able to be seen in full, to see others in full, and to feel everything that is going on in life around us, at every level, down to the subtlest energetic changes.

  26. Our children tell us many times of things that they see and hear whilst on their own in their bedrooms, and it cannot be put down to imagination because how is it that nearly everyone has had an experience they remember or an experience as an adult they can recall.

    Reading this has triggered a childhood memory of not wanting to get close to the bed because it felt like there was something underneath, so I would jump on the bed, so as not to let my ankles be grabbed.

  27. When we are young, our whole body sings with the wisdom of the Universe unfiltered. So it is no accident that at a very young age ‘things in the night’ come for us, to make us scared, to make us shrink, to make us ‘turn down our light’ and thus in effect dim our awareness of the vast intelligence we belong to. This is one of the many ways we are influenced from young to live from our head alone rather than from the body that otherwise obediently works in sync with the meticulous order we are an innate part of. The great separation we all feel deep within us comes from allowing such a division to occur and from championing the human intellect at great expense to the whole body intelligence we never once questioned as a child.

  28. We spend so much of our time trying to avoid being hurt yet when we allow ourselves to feel everything that is going on in life it is awesome.

  29. In connection with our bodies, we are offered access to an infinite communication with the stars confirming our true nature of what we can live when we commit to the in-between moments of our lives, as it through this consistency that we get to accept and embody the truth of who we are.

  30. I only just realised that what you described as a child was me all over. I had never clocked the level of sensitivity I had as a child. As I have connected back to my body more, I feel how my greatest protection is to be in connection.

  31. I can completely relate to this Bianca. Having an escape plan and being constant alert. It’s very much a work in progress for me to change my default setting back to before it became my default. But with a willingness to let go and trust that I’m ok the layer of protection becomes thinner and thinner.

  32. There are so many ways we protect ourselves, when we heal one protection, another one can present for us to then let go of as well. It is in having a willingness to feel those protections that can ultimately free us from them and trust that we can.

  33. This wonderfully confirming blog about the beauty of being fully present in our body is so supportive for me. Though I know it in times I feel anxious or stressed I go into flight mode and want to leave my body. Sometimes there can be no apparent reason for this – just general everyday stresses and a walk at lunchtime requires constant coming back to being present. What I’m realising is that when I do commit to being present and with myself, allowing myself to feel all that there is to feel no matter how uncomfortable, I’m also feeling a solidness within and this I am knowing I can return to no matter what happens in my day. The more I connect the more I know it is unwavering and I can trust. An inspiration to allow all that is there to be allowed and experienced – no shutting off compartments and living in fear of their contents.

  34. Your blog shows me that the moments of escape I seek actually result in me missing out on me, I will not be able to get those moments back but I can make choices now to ensure that I am truly present in my own life.

  35. It changes everything when we accept that we are creatures that feel everything, and that doing so allows us to understand life and not be so affected by it. We are always only limited by our own willingness to admit to the sensory grandness that we all actually have. Our sixth sense should never be confined to an idea in a movie.

  36. It could very much be that the reason we have so much illness and disease is because we don’t really have an honest relationship with our bodies. If we are all disconnected with it then it’s hard to know what it’s telling us.

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