Abuse – Turning a Blind Eye no More

I used to consider abuse as something that wasn’t part of my life. I saw it in the news, films and read about it in papers. Abuse to me was extreme: extreme cases of violence, beheadings, bombings, attacks, rapes, fighting, shootings, stabbings, war, domestic violence, shouting, swearing and attacking people, someone physically self-harming or cutting themselves. Never once did I consider that abuse – which we all normalise and make okay, which we turn a blind eye to daily – is in all our lives.

I have not hated abuse enough to say absolutely no to it any way, shape or form, be it in how I treat myself or what I accept from others.

I have abused myself in many ways, such as choosing negative thoughts about myself, putting myself down, choosing abusive relationships and staying in them, eating and drinking foods that are harming to my body, drinking alcohol – a known poison to our bodies – staying out till the early hours of the morning, not going to bed when I was tired, not resting when I needed to rest, not listening to my body, my truth, deeply disregarding myself, playing down my light, giving up when things get tough, being nice, having no true purpose, pleasing other people, not speaking up, not saying what needed to be said, reacting to life, being emotional, indulging, seeking drama and blaming myself, fighting my light, creating problems when there are none, sabotaging my awareness and avoiding responsibility.

All this to keep me, I would say, separated from others, being an individual and away from the true purpose of why I am here – to feel deeply where people are at and to live in a way where I do not accept any form of abuse, zero, none at all, and by that living way inspire others to do the same: to reflect to people that there is another way to live.

I was and still am at times abusive towards others from lack of understanding, judging people or needing them to be a certain way, creating drama or complications, giving up or withdrawing. I am aware of what abuse is now, and am working on my things, and on not allowing any abuse into my life – zero, none whatsoever.

In the past two years I have been on the receiving end of sexual abuse, one an online case where I was sexually harassed with vile and disgusting messages from someone I knew on the social media platform Facebook. I reported this to the police, and in turn through the amazing work of the police and myself in standing up and saying no to abuse, this person was arrested and charged with a sexual offence.

More recently I experienced a physical sexual abuse where I was getting a dress taken up, and the tailor put his hand up my skirt and pressed it against my pubic area, pants and legs when there was absolutely no reason for him to do this. When I reported it to the manager they didn’t care, like it was no big deal. I reported this to the police, and again this person was arrested but because there was no evidence, he denied it, one person’s word against another, so no case will come of it, but the incident will be held on record, so if there is ever another report of this, mine will be there to support it.

For me, reporting these instances was not only about saying no to the energy of abuse for myself and my body, but this choice was for everyone to be able to say no to abuse. This was about truth, and not allowing a behaviour that is not loving to come through anyone.

If we don’t reflect that there is another way to live, then who is going to?

But what really struck me was how many people – both women and men, people who you think would be supportive, such as some police officers, professionals and people you know – turn a blind eye to abuse like this, with comments such as: “He didn’t mean it,” “Just get your dress,” “Don’t go back to the shop.” Very few people had the same feelings as me, although there were two people who were very supportive – my partner and one amazing policeman who during our conversation quoted Einstein:

The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.” (1)

But before I was able to stand up and say no to abuse in its many ways, shapes and forms, not just the above, I had to say no to abusing myself. I had to get clear and re-define what abuse actually is. To be absolutely honest I still am re-defining what is abusive every day.

We cannot just go to the extremes of abuse, as this normalises all the so called day-to-day abuse we say is not abuse, such as the incident above, and lets us ‘get away with it’: for example, in how we treat each other in our own homes, with our families, partners, ourselves, those people we say we care about a lot. This can be through a touch, a tone of voice, being ignored or spoken to in a way that is not love.

Abuse is anything that is not love. Simple.

The truth is we have normalised abuse into different levels of so called acceptable abuse in our lives every single day: fighting in families, friendships and private relationships is par for the course, just something we do, even joke about with friends. Where there is any form of dis-harmony there is abuse: a person who walks through the door abusing their partner when they ignore them, people bringing home ‘stuff’ from the office and taking it out on those in the home who have nothing to do with it, the fights with colleagues, the stress, taking out our unhappiness and misery on family, friends, or partners. Just as a tone of voice can be abusive without even raising it, so can a touch which is not gentle, or someone not dealing with their anger and bringing it to a relationship.

As a child growing up, we would never dream or say this is the kind of life or relationships I want, or how I want the world to be. So, what makes us settle for less… what makes us accept, choose and allow abuse in our lives? Do we care enough about how much people suffer to live in a different way, or are we happy with our comfort and indulgences in life?

There is no middle ground for abuse, the “Oh that’s okay because they didn’t hit me or them” – no grey scale or differentiation of any kind, not allowing abuse to continue, not tolerating it, making excuses for it, and turning a blind eye to it. It is only once we choose to get very real and absolutely honest that we are willing to be open, truthful, understanding, and accept seeing abuse in this way – let’s face it, the world is very loveless. Only then can we start to heal the abuse we have created. The abuse we knowingly chose to do to ourselves and each other leaves an aftermath of emotional pain, hurts and trauma which we carry in our bodies.

Until we all take responsibility for loving ourselves deeply, which naturally leads to our truly loving and not harming another, there will always be abuse in this world.

By Anon, 40, UK

References:

  1. Goodreads.com. (2018). A quote by Albert Einstein. [online] Available at: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/29875-the-world-is-a-dangerous-place-to-live-not-because [Accessed 27 May 2018].

Related Reading:
My understanding of abuse
Must abuse only happen in war for it to be classified as a crime against humanity?
The silent abuse – leaving an abusive marriage

763 thoughts on “Abuse – Turning a Blind Eye no More

  1. It starts with seeing that we do many things to Please others or to get recognition. If that what we do is not loving for ourselves too then it is abuse to ourselves and the other. It Should always be loving for Yourself too.

  2. ‘To be absolutely honest I still am re-defining what is abusive every day.’ perhaps this process is forever unfolding as we deepen our knowing of what is not abuse and return to a way of living in accordance to all with are.

  3. “… reacting to life, being emotional, indulging, seeking drama and blaming myself,” This used to be my life too. A big part of my own re-education has been in learning to not go into the emotional drama, but instead take a gentle breath in, feel the tension in my body and deliberately drop it. This choice alone has empowered me to put a stop to many an emotional paddy and ensuing sulk, which in turn saves heaps of time and energy for all concerned.

  4. Turning a blind eye doesn’t make abuse go away … it continues until we are ready to face it or it makes us face it – so we deal with it eventually, even if its in another lifetime.

  5. I have heard it said that one form of abuse is not honouring and adoring your partner 24/7. If that is the case pretty much most of our relationships are abusive. I can think of the many times I’ve complained to my partner about something he is or isn’t doing, and with resentment in my voice it’s definitely been abusive. Letting go of right and wrong and allowing people to be simply who they are and loving the inner being is where we need to be, not focusing on their behaviours.

  6. “I was and still am at times abusive towards others from lack of understanding, judging people or needing them to be a certain way, creating drama or complications, giving up or withdrawing.” We can and do so easily harm each other with our expectations, demands and neediness. We are not here to fill up each other’s gaps but to learn how to express all our wisdom and grace, qualities that contain zero abuse and mountains of Love.

  7. It really is such an easy trap to fall into and that is to get totally overwhelmed by the abuse that goes on in the world as the list is infinite and it is only going to get worse unless we do bring it back to ourselves and start living lives as close to love as we can manage in this human frame of ours.

  8. Abuse is anything that is not love. I have to face that I am still abusive towards people. Fortunately people in my surroundings are giving back the slightest form of abuse, so I can evolve. Everything that comes to us, is reflected to us for us to evolve.

  9. Imagine a person who has grown up in a Ghetto, where violence of all kinds is an everyday thing, then imagine this person gets out of the Ghetto, moves into a ‘better’ situation where there is still abuse going on but it is not often lethal and much less harsh. What if this person can’t even call the abuse, abuse because of the comparison, because it is ‘relative’ to an extreme… but what if this new situation is laced with abuse?

    What if we are all like this person, just on a less extreme scale?

    What if we have become so accustomed to levels of disregard and abuse (from our own thoughts to the outside world) in its many forms, from minor put-downs and swear words to the objectification of women’s bodies and the multiple every day situations that don’t honour what we need or how we feel that we can’t see that many things we accept as OK are actually harmful?

    What if all the little abuses we don’t see, all the abuses we ‘let slide’ as unimportant are in the way of us living the full, loving, joyful lives we as human beings could, in a lovingly supportive environment, naturally live?

  10. Like I saw a few days ago in the swimming pool. The woman working there got suddenly touched by a man on her arm. It felt to me that he imposed on her and that she didn’t like it and blushed. But it also felt she was too shy to say something and just stepped backward a bit.
    It is amazing what we accept as women. We have the full right to bring those actions directly to a stop and talk very very clear to the person and, if needed, to go to the police

  11. It’s really easy to accept low level abuse when you look at the horrors that happen around the world. Too easy in fact. And it’s not until we realise that the low-level bits are what actually allows those horrors to happen that we will pick ourselves up out of this mess we’re in.

  12. “If we don’t reflect that there is another way to live, then who is going to?” If we don’t reflect that there is another way then we are all down in the mud together.

    1. It may appear that no one is noticing – however, a different reflection on how to live in this word, especially one that emanates a different vibration, one of love and harmony, is very much noticed and felt. In fact, it is scrutinised, some will be looking for flaws and reasons why it is not true – but truth will always stand the test of time.

  13. This is such a great blog that helps us to identify where we have abuse in our own lives, either giving it or receiving it. It is a guide for relationships too, because of the way we are with our friends, partners, work colleagues – all the possibilities are listed there, such as the stony silence. I recognise the words ‘I was and still am at times abusive towards others from lack of understanding, judging people or needing them to be a certain way, creating drama or complications, giving up or withdrawing.’ Needing people to be a certain way – that is a big one to let go of.

  14. If we were to deeply consider karma and reincarnation, we would certainly be reconsidering any form of abuse.

  15. ‘Abuse is anything that is not love. Simple.’ Yes Anon, and so we need to redo what we understand Love to be and deepen everything from that place.

  16. Anon, I love this; ‘Abuse is anything that is not love. Simple.’ It makes it so easy to recognise abuse when I read this and makes me realise how much abuse there is that we accept.

  17. Since reading this article previously I have been aware of more subtle forms of abuse. I have felt how important it is to not accept this type of abuse, even if it is not as dramatic as some more obvious forms; as you say Anon if it is unloving then it is abuse.

  18. The sense of apathy when it comes to dealing with abuse in society by society really exposes our claim to be a civilised society as part of the way we like to perceive our way of life which in truth is not as it appears.

    1. Very true Michael, there is an arrogance in how we regard ourselves as being the superior species on this planet. Yet how we treat each other does not reflect an evolved way of living, rather the opposite, with everyone taking care of their own self interests, rather than us caring for and showing consideration towards each other.

  19. No one can know the journey we are on, for it is for us to learn and develop along the way, however, ‘selective’ blindness doesn’t work on any level.

    1. We all have free will to make our own choices in life, however, it’s important for us to understand that these choices will be influenced by what we are aligning to, energetically. Love – which we have constant access to through connecting with our body, or, when we resist this connection and feeling the love that we already are, we are aligning to the complete opposite to love. There is no middle ground for us to hide in, despite what we may think.

  20. In all our relationships we need to be respectful and speak in tones that are not laced with judgement, resentment or any other emotion that would impose on the delicate beingness of another person.

  21. We are all sensitive beings an can feel abuse from the most obvious to the no so obvious either way it is the avoiding that truly hurts as it reminds us of how we have stepped away from appreciating the love that we all truly come from.

  22. Abuse is not as we like to see it, it is not just others and the most heinous crime is perpetrated by some one who was a child, and encountered rejection, violation and violent acts against them which has informed their experience of what is normal in life. It is shocking to know some one rapes or has been raped but there are many who are sexually abusive who may not or may rape. A leering look, a sexualised thought about someone all is abusive and not from love, anything that objectifies and attempts control over another is abuse. There are levels of it and we don’t like knowing that.

  23. I haven’t bought a newspaper for well over a decade, for me that feels like a way in which I choose to say no to the abuse that gets printed without remorse in many instances.

    1. Before the days of the internet, it used to be my weekend ritual to buy a couple of newspapers and read up on what was happening in the world. Now I get most of my news from listening to the radio to and from work, I like the news headlines as they are a statement of what is happening in our world without an opinion or if there is a comment by someone, it’s very clear that it’s their opinion or interpretation. I want to know what’s going on, however what I don’t want it to read someone’s manipulation of the truth to create a sensational story – that is abuse and a far cry from what true journalism is.

  24. Abuse is often perceived as something that comes from outside us, towards us … however it is important to point out as you have done Anon that abuse can not only be what we accept from others but, importantly, how we treat ourselves.

    1. The level of abuse that we accept from ourselves sets the standard for what we then allow and accept from others.

  25. Most get to experience some form of abuse every day, often just the subtle normalized ways like someone being emotional and reacting or impatient in traffic or a bossy manager etc. We cannot avoid receiving abuse or stop it every time and still need to find a way to handle it without taking it on. Observation, reading and understanding the situation and the people involved is key to not taking it personally and keeping it where it comes from. Nevertheless at times detachment is not enough and we need to speak up, intervene or step away from a situation. The better we know abuse within ourselves and are aware of our own abusive mechanisms the clearer we will be able to deal with abuse from the outside.

  26. “Until we all take responsibility for loving ourselves deeply…” I look forward to this day but know that the future starts with me, right here, right now, learning to love myself deeply.

  27. “If we don’t reflect that there is another way to live, then who is going to?” This is a gigantic sentence – not just in the conversation of abuse, but in everything. It’s huge in fact and exposes so much of the rot in society, with so many of us sitting comfortably in our own nests, turning a blind eye on what we see and then blaming others when something goes wrong, is it any wonder that the corruption and abuse can so freely procreate?

    1. When I was younger and there were bad things happening around me, I had confidence that the ‘grown ups’ would sort things out, bring about change, restore harmony. However, I am a grown up and have been for a very long time and I can’t say I’ve been enormously proactive in making substantial changes in my life, except for the last 10 years when I’ve realised that it’s up to us to be the change that we want to see.

      1. Absolutely Alison… we need to role model the change we want to see in the world – it is by our reflection that we inspire others.

  28. Another form of abuse is people posting your worst possible photo on social media and in the newspapers, deliberately giving the general public a false impression, usually a bad one.

    1. True. This is no different to spreading rumours or self perceived judgements. Our comments and actions always have the potential to sway others especially if they themselves do not choose to stand in their own discernment of who or what someone or something feels like for them.

      1. Which prompts the question – how much of what we ‘believe’ has come from our own discernment of the truth versus ‘agreeing’ with what others have told us.

  29. This is a really interesting form of abuse from your long list of ways we can self abuse: ‘creating problems when there are none’, so in effect creating any kind of complication outside of the natural flow of any event or task, is a way to abuse/corrupt/disrupt/divert and and keep us from the ease, order and flow that could otherwise be.

    1. True… if we have true compassion and understanding for ourselves we will have the same for others.

    2. I feel lack of understanding comes back to our zest for things being ‘right or ‘wrong’ – we get too caught up on our justification of what is ‘right’. However, our baseline on how we view the world varies enormously depending on how we have been raised, our environment, conditioning, what has been accepted as normal and ok. Therefore, in recognising and accepting this, we allow the understanding that is key in all of our relationships and interactions with each other.

  30. ‘I have not hated abuse enough to say absolutely no to it any way, shape or form, be it in how I treat myself or what I accept from others.’ – I have not loved and treasured myself enough to say no to abuse. By deepening my love for myself, any self abuse will be exposed, nominated and cleared out. This new standard that I set for myself will apply to every other relationship that I have – nominating abuse when it occurs will be easy, as the hate I have for anything that stops us from being the love that we all are will be too strong to let it pass. This is how I can take responsibility for saying no to abuse.

  31. Abuse is disseminating lies when you know they are lies you are not checking for yourself whether they are lies.

  32. Abuse is anything and everything that does not come from the love that we are. The only way to not register this, to ‘turn a blind eye’ so to speak, is to build a protective layer around us that not only stops us registering the abuse we receive, but is a form of abuse in itself as it prevents us from feeling and expressing the love we are and the love we receive. It is a form of security we seek that does not truly protect us from the horrors of the world but immerses us more deeply in them.

    1. ‘It is a form of security we seek that does not truly protect us from the horrors of the world but immerses us more deeply in them.’ Once this game is called out and we get to know and feel the implications and true affects, we’re able to spot where and how it’s being played out in our lives, and free ourselves from that un-loving posture towards ourselves.

    2. I’ve seen old people live in a way that they seem to be pushing toward the finish line (their death) as if they are trying to out-run the choices that they have made. “Get out of here quick before it all catches up with me”. The truth of reincarnation exposes the futility of this chase.

  33. Pondering on how our withdrawal from life and people is abusive, made me think of the space that is created in withdrawal. Perhaps we are meant to fully engage in life and bring and share ourselves as we are all equal in essence?

    1. It’s a great point Jenny, whilst we may choose to withdraw and not participate – those around us feel our dis-engagement and the loss of us no longer being with them. We are choosing to withhold the love that we are from them.

  34. No middle ground for abuse – ‘no grey scale or differentiation of any kind’. I think that is key to reducing / cutting out abuse in our lives. Otherwise this sliding scale allows all kinds of abuse into our lives as we choose to not see it as really abuse. As Serge Benhayon has said, we either harm or we heal.

  35. Re-reading paragraph three is a great way to be reminded of the level of responsibility that we all have to address the abuse in our own lives and then to call it out in the world.

  36. My understanding of what amounts to abuse is ever refining such that even the smallest thing sometimes stands out for me now. It is not about perfection, for I still sometimes abuse myself, my thoughts being a good example of this, but about spotting it and coming back to love again, over and over if needs be.

    1. I feel appreciating our selves for everything that we already are is an important part in calling out any self abuse as it stops the judgment sneaking in, which then just keeps us in circulation energy with abuse. It’s truly revolting how manipulative the energy of abuse is, taking full advantage of absolutely any opportunity to crawl in through the tiniest crack.

    2. I agree, there is always refining and deepening in our being honest about what we know is abusive, I used not wear a coat in the cold, I do now, a simple example, and people may joke about it not being that significant, but to ignore our wellbeing and not keep warm is an abusive act, we undermine ourselves and if we are not holding ourselves in love, and this is not love and if it is not love there is an element of abuse in it to some degree or another.

  37. Saying no to the abuse in our own lives first is the best place to start otherwise it is a case of not practicing what we preach and definitely not living what we speak.

  38. Interesting to read your list of things that are abusive and how many of these I still don’t always think of as being abusive in my every day life but if we come from a marker of anything less than acting in a loving way towards myself or others is abuse then yes I can see that these things are abusive and need to be honestly looked at as such.

    1. Which confirms that the more we make life about Love, the more the abuse we have come to accept as normal is revealed to us, a step by step process that keeps deepening the more we commit to it.

  39. The key word in this blog for me is responsibility. We don’t tend to like it much, but I am increasingly understanding how central it is to living a truly loving and harmonious life. If love and harmony are what we choose for life and for our society, then we have to embrace responsibility in full.

    1. I agree Richard and for me this blog highlights how we have allowed life to be accepting of so much abuse so that we do not have to be responsible in making life an expression of love and harmony.

  40. Too me, I can see how little we care about ourselves or each other when we can decide to legalise Marijuana so that it is a recreational drug. Many years ago at a place where I worked there was a young man who was a constant user of Marijuana and he was unable to work in a way that was productive, he was a danger to himself and others and worst of all his driving was erratic and his communication was slurred. I have seen how this type of drug affects our bodies and totally wipes it out. And yet we as a collective have decided to legalise it. Life is all about supply and demand, if there is a demand there will be a supply, so we cannot blame anyone but ourselves for the crazy mess we are making of this world we all live in, we are our own worst enemies.

  41. By simply not allowing abuse in your life to the best of your ability you will become an example for people to watch, feel and to be with and to let them discern for themselves to choose this same level of honesty about abuse or not.

  42. The only way to stop the abuse we come across in life is by stopping the abuse in ourselves first as that will open us up to bring this quality in vibration wherever we go and emanate that is a dead end road to go.

  43. As we become more sensitive, so we can feel the difference… what we once accepted as normal and everyday might, in another light, look to be properly abusive (such simple things like the way we talk to people, what we eat and drink, when we go to sleep). If we take care at this level, then we have no problem what so ever in saying no to the grosser forms of abuse you have experienced.

  44. Abuse can be not listening when someone is talking, it can be speaking with frustration or some other emotion in our voice. It can also be not feeding back how we feel, because ignoring what was said or changing the conversation does not offer evolution.

  45. Abuse comes in many forms… the tiniest form is equally as important as the extreme forms – as every type of abuse contributes to the momentum of abuse we all live in.

  46. The moment we gauge the quality of the moment by comparing it to an extreme, we are totally lost, since we are settling for something that is not as bad as that extreme. We should instead be comparing it to the deepest level of love, since anything less than that shows us we are not living our true essence. This would be valuable, a starting point based on truth.

  47. It is often said that you can’t teach something until you fully and deeply understand it yourself. I have found this with children – if you don’t absolutely get it, then you will certainly come un-stuck in the face of their “why’s”. The same could be said for abuse – if I don’t fully open my eyes to the abuse that is in the world, in my life, all around…then am I going to have the authority to call it out?

    1. Yes, we absolutely do have to understand something in order to be able to live it and share it with others – with regards to abuse I also feel along with understanding and honesty we also need to hate what abuse is doing to us all, to have a deep understanding for the effect it is having on our society as a whole.

    2. Absolutely Otto… it is the authority that comes with the delivery of truth that we all feel – we feel it in our body and innately know it to be true – it cannot be denied.

      1. And this is what we need to stand-by, claim, trust and appreciate. The world is literally riddled with lies so the rock of truth that our body is may often be the only thing that we can grab on to.

    3. When you have the authority because you live it you do not have to explain anything anymore because people will understand it from your movements and the vibration of your voice that abuse in you is nowhere reflected anymore.

      1. Very true, Nico, actions speak louder than words. I am appreciating this more and more, just how much is constantly being communicated through our movements, even when it doesn’t appear as though anything much is happening – everything is felt, energetically.

    4. Well said Otto, from practically living in my own world when I first realised just how much abuse there is in the world from a true energetic perspective I am now a lot more integrated in life with my eyes much more open, and whilst I have a way to go to be able to face it all, I am seeing and feeling so much more, and my authority is building. Thank you for presenting the purpose of that awareness – to call it out.

  48. The state of abuse in the world is everywhere in every aspect of life and a real understanding and reality is needed to what is going on and the lack of love in the world accepted as normal. It starts with not loving ourselves firstly and from here anything is abuse for “anything that is not love is abuse” so the truth of love is the starting point to living who we are innately in our lives and with each other.

  49. ‘For me, reporting these instances was not only about saying no to the energy of abuse for myself and my body, but this choice was for everyone to be able to say no to abuse.’ everything we do is like a foundation for someone else to do the same thing so we can pave the way for another to accept and be a part of abuse, or for them to call it out as unacceptable.

  50. If we stop trying because we are not good enough, whose values and beliefs have we accepted as our own. Is this self-abuse we have willingly accepted? The world is full of abuse but when we accept responsibility in our life, it is not adding to what is out there.

  51. Abuse, self abuse is not loving ourselves fully, not appreciating the qualities we bring. It is easy to appreciate what we do in life but feels hard to appreciate our qualities of sweetness, tenderness, and how we are in everything we do.

    1. Self-abuse is way more prevalent than we would like to admit… everyone treats themselves in some way or another that is not loving. We are not brought up to be gentle, tender and loving with ourselves – however, we can start now whatever our age and role model a new standard.

    2. I have taken part in an ‘appreciation program’ whereby you text something that you appreciate about yourself every day to the other person and vice versa. It’s a very beautiful way to begin deepening the level of appreciation that we have for ourselves and a lot of fun connecting with another person in this way too.

  52. ‘Where there is any form of dis-harmony there is abuse’ – this comment really highlights for me just how much abuse has become a very normal part of our lives.

    1. This is so true Alison… so much so that when life is harmonious it very much stands out and we question whats going on, doubting the possibility of harmony!

  53. ‘I am aware of what abuse is now, and am working on my things, and on not allowing any abuse into my life – zero, none whatsoever.’ – When we become aware of the enormous impact of abuse and how it infects our lives and our entire society, we have a choice to either ignore it or step up and teach ourselves to say no to abuse, even that which may seem subtle and insignificant.

  54. ‘NO’ to abuse is sometimes easier said than done as somehow there is something we like about a particular kind of abuse like e.g. our little treats, life’s little pleasures, the emotional highs we enjoy, the distractions and numbness entertainments, the intensities we seek to escape the dull everyday routines etc. They often come with a harming effect we tend to ignore, excuse or justify but at some point when they catch up with us we wish or even decide to stop and change them, only to go back to them as soon as the suffering is forgotten and the needs rise again. So, saying ‘NO’ cannot just be a verbal claim to be a true ‘NO’ that brings the abusive energy to a stop.

    1. What I’m feeling reading your comment, Alexander, is that it’s as though we use abuse for relief – to have a self induced off moment where we stop being responsible and loving. Do we find the familiarity of abuse comfortable in some way? That’s pretty disturbing if we do.

  55. ‘Abuse is anything that is not love.’ is a very simple statement to bring to any situation moment of choice and build our awareness in the day to day choices we make

  56. I am in the process of learning to let go of judgement and I realised today that anything I say to another, if there is the slightest hint of judgement, then that is abuse and I am likely to get a reaction back.

    1. …for which we often blame the other person – and so the circle keeps turning – until we are prepared to raise our standards so that this stuff sticks out.

  57. There is something very fundamental and profound about realising that the way we treat ourselves is the foundation for the quality in our relationships, societies and across all of humanity. For me this brings great purpose to life.

    1. True Matilda and realising this brings along another awareness, that we therefore have a fundamental responsibility to care deeply for ourselves.

    2. I agree Matilda. The relationship with ourselves is fundamental to how we relate to life and each other. This is where responsibility begins, in the choice for self-love.

  58. “All this to keep me, I would say, separated from others, being an individual and away from the true purpose of why I am here” When we come to really study and assess our self corrupting ways, we come to realize what an enormous waste of time and energy they are. We certainly have invested in some huge distractions in an attempt to stop us just simply getting on with taking responsibility for our lives and our real purpose in life, to restore Truth, Love and Integrity to this corrupted world.

  59. We turn a blind eye to the abuse that is going on in the world, yes, but also to the abuse that is going on in our own lives – for that is where responsibility starts, with that one ‘white lie’, the covering up and self justifications – we are shown where the abuse is in our lives – that is where to start to make changes, by looking at ourselves first and not judge others for what we condone in our way of life.

  60. That is the key: you really have to hate the abuse, the energy of it before you can stop it. I could act in a way that I wouldn’t call abusive until recently: just say one sentence with aggression. But that one sentence is also abuse. What helped to see it that way is to clock the harm did it was doing to myself (losing weight because I allowed this energy in my body) and to others (shutting down, taking distance). I hate that energy.

  61. It is the turning the blind eye to things that lets them all carry on, get further ingrained and magnify. We also stop ourselves from responding to the clear reflection of what is in front of us and stifle our own growth and evolution. All in all not a wise move.

  62. There has been a recent atrocity in the news. An abuse that is unfathomable in its intent for how destructive and shielding of lies that it is. And because it has been published, makes me think that those who published it do not consider their actions abusive. Which asks the question – how can abuse be subjective? Surely it is or it is not? And who has the right to determine what is and what is not? There could be a standard to which we all live by, a standard that holds all, everyone, equally. And by this anything that is not of this, would be obvious.

    1. Shami, I’m not sure which abuse you are referring to, as there are so many. However, I feel everyone knows abuse, you know when you hurt another, physically and emotionally. It’s not so much that the perpetrator doesn’t realise what they have done, it’s more they ‘think’ they can get away with it and with all the arrangements between countries and within societies, very often they will. They only consider themselves and their survival, without any regard for anyone else and the bigger picture – that they are in fact affecting everyone with their actions.

  63. I saw some people on the weekend protesting about all the abuse going on in their home country, the executions, imprisonments, disappearances and with all the other abuse going on in the world it is hard not to get overwhelmed, so bringing it back to ourselves and cleaning up our own backyard is a very good start.

  64. ‘There is no middle ground for abuse’, once we all realise this and stop putting it on a scale and accepting so-called lesser abuses, then perhaps we can move closer to Love.

  65. I find going into sympathy is an easy way to turn a blind eye to abuse especially abuse from people close to us or family members. The poison of accepting abuse stays in our body and if we do not clear it by calling out or putting a stop to the abuse and healing it, it harms us in more ways than we realise.

  66. Turning a blind eye doesn’t make abuse go away … it’s an avoidance of seeing what is true, calling it out and then taking responsibility for where we ourselves abuse.

  67. ‘Do we care enough about how much people suffer to live in a different way, or are we happy with our comfort and indulgences in life?’ – this question, when answered with absolute honesty reveals why things are the way they are.

  68. Anything that goes against the true nature of the body is abuse, plain and simple. And I have found it to be so liberating to observe in this way and so gain a continued deeper awareness of what this means and how loving myself enough to attend to these details truly changes everything in life.

  69. These blogs are phenomenal, the willingness to go there, to explore what’s going on, to understand and to keep an open heart and mind clearly bears amazing fruit.

    1. I agree, Rosanna, they are blogs that keep on giving as the more I re-visit them and all the insightful comments, I can feel a deepening in my awareness and understanding.

  70. That is awesome you reported the incident to the police, as you say it is so easy and comfortable to let things slide and not action what we know to be true to save face. What are we really saving though when we accept a standard of interaction with each other that is less than respect. I can feel the call to forever keep an eye on any abuse and not take our eyes of it for a second because we all deserve respect a minimum.

  71. What I see, and take responsibility for my part in, is that we have all allowed our standards to drop below what most of us do feel and know is decent and loving behavior… there are so many rationalizations to let things slide…

    Why are we so willing to compromise love and so protective of our rights to self abuse or to have all manor of forms of relief and entertainment (from porn, to sport to social media, to loud parties…) throughout society that are harmful to people?

    Is it possible that over-riding that I want to clean the sticky, dusty out-door table and chairs before I sit and enjoy my lunch is one of the many things I do that get me used accepting less-than-love and that this prepares me to be more able to justify and so accept stronger and stronger levels of dis-regard and abuse?

  72. Sometimes coming to terms with lies or abuse can be difficult – sometimes its a painful awakening to something you previously could see or didn’t want to see, but the more we can let go of all the things in life that are not true, the freer we are to choose for ourselves

    1. Very true, Rebecca, the pain is the hurt we feel from our lack of love for ourselves and everyone else, but it’s far more painful and harmful to do nothing and leave the sore to grow and fester allowing more and more abuse to cover it up.

  73. Paragraph three shows just how many ways we abuse ourselves which we do not place in the societally accepted definitions of abuse. In order that we may understand more of ourselves, we must also become aware of everything we are not.

  74. If I don’t respond to a question because my mind is occupied elsewhere, this can be taken as a rejection or a dismissal of the other person, and be very hurtful indeed. The subtle little abuses can sometimes be worse than the big ones, although this is the opposite of what we have been conditioned to think. The world’s answer is toughen up, don’t be so sensitive, but we are so sensitive and toughening up just buries the true us where we can no longer find it.

    1. A very real example of how abuse can sneak its way into our lives and, without a connection and appreciation of our awareness and sensitivity, be allowed to take its hold in life.

  75. Abuse can be neighbours who don’t consider other neighbours in their community and have all night parties or scream and shout in their street, making older people feel afraid to go out. Communities that live in true brotherhood truly care for each other and know that every move affects everyone else so they take care to live and move in harmony with all.

  76. Surely when someone starts self harming themselves it is a cry for help a message to say something is drastically wrong with the way they are feeling and living. A few years ago I met a teenager in a café, she was sitting studying a book so I asked her what she was studying and she told me that her mother wanted her to study and train in something that she herself didn’t want to do. So I asked her what would she like to do and it seemed her passion was art, which was not considered ‘good enough’ to her mother. This teenager told me a lot about herself it all came tumbling out. It felt as though there was no one she could talk to openly about her anxiety and how she felt isolated because no one would listen to her. Then as she was talking to me I noticed that she was self harming I didn’t mention this but I could understand why she would. I could feel the frustration and the hopelessness of not being heard within her family. When you do not feel heard or understood there is a tension which builds up in the body and it reaches a pitch that something has to give which for this teenage was when she would cut her self and there was a temporary relief of the pent up feelings. But surely this is no way to find a relief to ones feelings? How come we have more doctors, Physiatrists, mental health workers and yet our mental health problems are escalating every day? What is it about the way we live that has young people self harming, taking drugs etc., what is it about life they are so anxious about that they don’t feel equipped to live it? And are we giving them the correct support that will enable them to understand their anxiousness and where it comes from.

    1. Growing up in the last century is apt, in the difference of the tensions the youth of today feel that were not prevalent 20 years ago. A majority of the medical profession that is treating today’s anxiety was also born in the last century! The birth of the smartphone was only 11 years ago. A recent survey showed that 95% of 16 to 24-year-olds owned a smartphone! In the last four years, the number of people in the world that have a smartphone has almost doubled from; 1.57 to 2.53 billion. Could the problem of our abuse be close to and/or in our hand?

      1. It has certainly unleashed a huge and vile wave of abuse. But in the same way that a gun is not dangerous…until it is in the hands of an individual, could we say the same about a smartphone? If we blame the technology, then are we going to miss the truth?

      2. Yes Otto, a case of ‘a bad craftsman always blames his tools’. Until we are willing to look honestly at what we create, we will always try to blame the tools.

    2. Mary, what a gift you offered just being there and meeting this young person for who they are, without any expectations or judgment, just a genuine interest and love for them, just as they are. I feel this is what is missing in life, we have lost touch with this way of being with each other.

    3. Your reasoning as to why people self-harm is spot on and reflects loudly that the direction of society- focusing on the external things rather the person themselves – is not beneficial for humanity. Time for a change.

      1. It’s true to say that we all self harm, there is no sector or group of people who are excluded. Making ourselves wrong, less or bad, cutting, drug use, it’s all the same poison.

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