What is the Difference between Having Sex and Making Love?

By Anne Malatt 

For most of us, having sex and making love have meant the same thing.

In truth, we all know the difference, for we all know what love is, and that we are love, but we have given up on the possibility of ever being it and finding it.

Most men settle for sex, using it for release and relief. But men live in fear that they won’t be good enough and they will be rejected.

Most women settle for sex because they crave intimacy, and are desperate to be held and touched. Women know sex is not love, but they go along with what men want, because they fear men will leave them and many don’t feel good enough about themselves to be on their own.

Sex is an act, which we use for release and relief, because we crave intimacy, to bind ourselves together. We use it in many ways, but we are always using the other as an object to get what we want.

Making love is a state of being, a way of life. Love is a living stillness, so we have to be still before we can know love. In that stillness we feel who we truly are. Making love starts with loving ourselves, slowly letting go of what is not love, and letting ourselves be the love we truly are, and then sharing that love with others.

Making love can be taking a walk together, preparing food, sharing a meal, talking, cuddling, or anything.  If we are making love, we don’t really need to do anything. To make love we need first to connect to ourselves and the love that we are. Once we are connected, we know that everyone else is that same love, equally so. So then it is easy to connect to another, any other, in and with love.

If we share our lives with another person and live this way, it is only a matter of time before our bodies want to come together, in love. The connection is what matters. In that connection, we are enough.  There is no fear of rejection, no fear of not being good enough, no feelings of worthlessness or self-loathing, no need to do anything.

We can be still with each other, we can be gentle, we can be playful, and we can let our bodies come together.

Making love is whatever you like, as long as you are connected, in love.

My understanding of this has been inspired by the life and work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.

152 thoughts on “What is the Difference between Having Sex and Making Love?

  1. When fear governs our movements, even if it is silent, there is not much we truly share with another one. When we move without it, enjoying ourselves and whoever moves alongside, the quality of our exchanges and our being together is totally a different one.

  2. We really compartmentalise life, making some things “love” and others not, why not make the whole of life about love – as an expression of our being.

  3. ‘Having sex is an act…making love is a state of being…’ Delicious truth the depth of which is endless. To me, making love is ‘other worldly’ – of our timeless multi-dimensionality – and it exposes sex as an act of temporary relief. Time and timelessness – a choice open to us all.

  4. Sex is certainly a release for men – a relief of tension in the body. It is the satisfaction of letting go a picture that energy has been invested in that has been created to avoid being intimate with your own feelings. I have experienced both extremes. Making love from is everything in the making of what has been the love that has been expressed between your partner and you. Its not so much a peak but a confirmation of how much love there is between you.

  5. Anne beautifully expressed the simplicity of making love, honouring the connection and allowing each other to truly be themselves, knowing that love is in every moment and making love confirms what is already felt and known.

  6. Sooo simple! There is no excuses for not experiencing a deep love and care within a relationship even if you do not do the physical act of making love.

  7. Making love is about confirming a quality. It is just a movement to confirm another one. We could say the same about sex. The only difference is the movement being carried and confirmed.

  8. ‘Making love is a state of being, a way of life.’ – I love this line Anne as it invites us to be all that we are and take responsibility for the way we are in every moment. With this understanding we come to realise that every moment is of equal value, equal opportunity to bring the fullness of who we are through our connection to love. As such making love is already happening through how we move, how we connect and how we share ourselves with other and the world.

  9. Making Love is a state of being … a way to live, this is such a great way to describe it, and what you offer us here is how simple this can be, how broad this can be and that it’s all about connection with ourselves and then with another. Very beautiful.

  10. Anne this is a wonderful reminder for most of us: “Love is a living stillness, so we have to be still before we can know love.” What you have opened up here is an invitation to go back to this stillness inside of us. My feeling is we all know true love that is why we are so unhappy with what most of us are living instead.

    1. Yes I agree. This is why we feel so much tension – because we know love and we know that we are not experiencing/expressing it.

  11. Beautifully expressed Anne, making love is a movement that should never stops between a couple, and the act of making love is to confirm these loving movements.

  12. How each of us interpret different words according to our own experience or understanding of that word can result in completely contrasting definitions and meanings of them for us all.

  13. Very beautiful, Anne. “Making love is a state of being, a way of life. Love is a living stillness, so we have to be still before we can know love” – this is so contra to motions generated out of craving and emptiness.

  14. This exquisite, undemanding, clear and practical presentation of love is what every intimate relationship in the world needs to read.

  15. Very true and very simple. When we do not afford to lose any opportunity in connection, we are committed to this love first with ourselves and also with our partner, and this connection can only naturally be shared with others. Living this connection with our partner in a day to day commitment, it is simply natural for our bodies to want to come close together, be it in sexual intercourse or any other form of movement, including doing nothing.

  16. Like this article is saying, everything is just an extension or a reflection of what you already are and so, “Making love is whatever you like, as long as you are connected, in love.” So if we get to a point and we say ‘we are this’ then that ‘this’ is the sum total of every step we have walked to that point. So making love doesn’t start in the bedroom, it starts from how you live in every moment before. It makes life super simple, live in every moment to the best of your ability what it is you are seeing that is truly needed and from there everything else will be touched by that same care and dedication. A reflection at any point isn’t truly for what has just happened, it’s a reflection for everything you are or you are not, it’s brings to you all you have lived to that point.

  17. I love this Anne, so to the point and setting things straight. There are so many myths and ideals we have around what making love is. It is a way of living. “If we share our lives with another person and live this way, it is only a matter of time before our bodies want to come together, in love.” Simply beautiful.

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