The harm we do when we make it about ‘someone said’…

by Lucy, Sydney, Australia

For many years I made it all about ‘Serge said’. I used to go away to this place ‘up north’, where it was quiet and there was only me to look after. There were lots of people around but none of them were physically asking me to do anything for them. I would come back and have all these grand plans to change lots of things that in my opinion had contributed to my overwhelm, and all of these changes were to be ‘implemented’ as quickly as possible. Yet the moment I walked though the door I would be faced with all that I had left behind. The way it usually ran was that I would have a major dummy-spit by the morning of day one – and usually before anyone had even left the house!I never really liked confrontation so my mind would work overtime to see how I could get my own way without being the bad guy – without standing out too much as being the person who was calling for change. I had done this from young: I would often say to my sister, “Dad told me to say you weren’t allowed to be nasty to me in front of your friends at school any more”, or some other thing I wanted to have happen. The key was to make sure that the person you said it to was unlikely to check with the person you said it about. I did the same here with Serge Benhayon and my husband and kids.

Never before had I felt something I had learnt to be true so strongly – I had felt this stillness in my body and I had lived it for two days. All of a sudden there was an alternative to the way I had been living, and in that space that I had connected to in me, I didn’t feel any overwhelm. It felt unfamiliar, but it came from meI did it, it was me. So I had to ask… why couldn’t I do it at home…?

I don’t do things by halves and I wanted to feel like that again as soon as possible, so somehow I had to get these other people who lived in my house ‘on my side’ (I know it reads really bad but that is how it was!). I was feeling huge amounts of overwhelm and needed a way out. However… and this is a big however… I did not put it into practice myself – I instructed everyone else how to do it and then did a version of it myself. I created a picture of what I thought it looked like to live this way, trying all the while to re-create what I had felt during the courses. I think I lived like this, spouting must-dos from my courses, for about the first three or four years.

I had to ask… Why did I live with this ‘Serge said to’ mentality when he NEVER DID?! Serge actually said quite the opposite! He always said not to take his word for it and to feel it for ourselves – what felt right and what didn’t. He shared simple ways for us to connect to our bodies by doing a gentle breath meditation, then shared how important it was to take that into everything that we did – so it did not become a practice of doing one thing over here, and another the moment you get up. He said to discern if it feels right – give it a go, get to know your body; in other words, look after it by not ignoring it. Most of all he said try it for yourself BEFORE you share it. Well, that was the bit I chose not to hear.

I was a practitioner at this point, and I had made my identity about fixing everyone else, so I didn’t hear Serge Benhayon say work with yourself first. I have asked myself why so many times. All I can come back with is that I didn’t want to see that how I lived affected everything I did. The choice to look at myself and what I was choosing day-to-day was harder (or at least I perceived it to be much harder) than looking at my family and blaming them for my overwhelm and for how we were living. Besides, I could be one person in the treatment room with my clients, and then relax at home… couldn’t I?

We lived like this for years – everyone building up resentment towards Serge. My mental, ‘how-to’ approach to our life really frustrated my husband who was very outspoken about it. My kids had much less choice – I pulled the adult, ‘I know better’ card. I can only say that it became such a familiar pattern that in the end I didn’t even know I was doing it. I would hear Serge talk about it – people who lived from the knowledge yet didn’t apply it to their way of living, and thought ‘well that is not me, because we are clearly living it’. And we were… to a point. The picture looked good, but underneath there was such resentment about it that it was yet another situation in my life where it looked good on the surface, but was a mess if you looked any deeper.

One day my kids were old enough to point out the dual standards that I lived with and presented to different people, depending on my level of respect for them. The trigger for this comment came from what they had observed when people came to stay. The house would be cleaned to a different standard, what I deemed to be bad or rude behaviour was out, conversations changed. I did the ‘swan routine’ – all good on the surface but underneath my feet were going ten to the dozen to keep it all afloat. It was different depending on who came as well, so depending on how comfortable I was with what they saw; this was directly reflected in the level of anxiety and the picture to be upheld.

Apparently I was much nicer to our guests than to my children. Much more caring… I was dumbfounded – what did they mean? I broke my back for them every day; how could they be so ungrateful? Oh, there it is again, the martyr who finds herself in deep overwhelm. So this was the moment that created an opening for me to have a look.

It all came tumbling down. I could see that I valued some more than others, and treated them accordingly. In fact there was a direct correlation between the level of fear of being found out and the level of smokescreen put up. I didn’t want to be found out, I didn’t want anyone to know it was just surface because I didn’t know where to start if I had to look. In those years – and I suspect they are more than three – I not only irritated the pants off my husband and kids, but alienated many friends who I am sure felt judged by me. What a gift that my kids spoke up; what a gift they found the words that I could hear.

I shared with them that I was writing this and asked what it had been like for them. One of them said that it was really hard to listen to me because it all sounded like ‘blah blah blah’… another said that she learnt that other people’s opinions are more important than her own. Just writing this piece has meant we are able to talk about how harming what I did was.

My husband met Serge on a number of occasions and every time he was the same, they got on really well. Serge met him as he did everyone else – it didn’t matter that he didn’t go to courses and had no intention of going. It didn’t even matter that when my husband met Serge he was carrying this frustration that ‘Serge was telling us all what to do’, because the moment my husband met Serge, it was clear Serge wasn’t asking us to do anything – never had and never would! It was all my re-interpretation. It was the same when he met the rest of Serge’s family. What I know to be true is that if my husband hadn’t met Serge and his family and spent time talking with them, we probably would not be together now. I did a great disservice to all that Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon stand for, I alienated my family from a way of living that is simply about love, and made my marriage so complicated. Where was the love that I had been living?!

My husband and children put up with way more than I would have! They showed me in the months and years that followed what love was. They are very willing to change some of the raciness of our day-to-day, and enjoy having me less distracted and therefore less irritable. The mothering (or smothering as I like to call it) has reduced and we are developing a much more supportive relationship. We often have conversations about situations we are all experiencing, and between us, we share. My daughter’s lack of trust in herself is a reflection for me as mine is for her, and we have installed a large radar – which if it were physical would definitely need planning permission – which is on the hunt for any hint of the old way of talking from my head!

I watch for it every day, but now the pressure is off and having been ‘outed’, there is no need to share, to teach or to save. I just enjoy getting to know myself and seeing what consequences that has on my stress levels and in the house. It took a little getting used to – no-one asked for my opinion or advice for ages, and it wobbled me… but I just kept bringing myself back to remembering that I must do it for me. If I don’t, then I have learnt nothing, and that is not the case. The patience and love that my husband, children, friends, Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine showed me has inspired me to remember who I am, to choose to feel it all, and only speak from experience without a hint of “Serge said”!

I asked my daughter if she found life different now… She didn’t answer, just reached over and changed the track on the CD I was playing to get to ‘Claiming It’, looked at me… and smiled.

182 thoughts on “The harm we do when we make it about ‘someone said’…

  1. I have seen this happen a lot, and experienced it too myself. Feeling so inspired by time spent with Serge benhayon and then going home and finding it a bit awkward. And the one thing that I can share most greatly from this experience, is how important it is to be honest and open with your family and to share with complete honesty all that has inspired you, why it has, and how you feel that you personally would like to change. And then, to take things slowly… very slowly…. and to let life work itself out as you work yourself out and find out who you are again. Because the one thing that must not ever happen, is for family members to feel isolated, rejected or confused. Everyone can be embraced by this inspiration, but not everyone has to attend the courses. It is simply your love that makes the difference.

  2. It’s about how we live, with us first and when we’re busy trying to fix another it’s a sure sign that we’re avoiding something in us … and to have those around us who show us clearly when this is the case is such a blessing.

  3. Thanks for sharing Lucy and highlighting what can happen when we try to change others before looking at our own behaviour. It also shows how we can complicate something that is ultra simple.

  4. I love this honesty Lucy, so real and down to earth. This is a great support for many who will find themselves in a similar situation.

  5. Lucy, I so appreciate your honesty and the huge learning curve you have gone through.
    So many of us do not want to take responsibility for the fact that everything we do has a cause and effect because everything is energy …fact. We are not taught this basic principle anymore. It was known and taught when we were young many life time’s ago but the teachings of the Ancient Wisdom have always been attacked and or bastardised for this very reason. In just the same way it is being attacked today because people do not want to know that at the end of the day we are totally responsible as an individual and collective for the way we live today.

  6. “What a gift that my kids spoke up; what a gift they found the words that I could hear.” Yes and that is where true love is, in speaking up even though people might not want to hear it straight away, in time they will often appreciate the pull up.

  7. I recon when I was young I would have been reporting the words of others much of the time. When I was 10 my brother used to tease me saying “Mrs Pitt says..” because I quoted my teacher the whole time. I now understand that I too can express myself just as she had done and so impressed me all those years ago.

  8. I just spent 6 hours lunching and chatting with the people I trained with 30 years ago and at no point did I feel anything but myself, loving the joyful expressions of friends, it was wonderful and every word was my own. I am sure this hasn’t always been so and I am so thankful to be able to do that now.

  9. What a trap life can be, but when we open up with total transparency and explore our own ways then this is what wil bring us to our own true lessons and learnings in life and what they are all about as what we present has to come from a Livingness and not what another has shared as you have presented Lucy!

  10. I feel such a level of sadness re-reading this. I can see how living this way contributed to so much complication and I can also see that it contributed to the abuse that has since been directed at Serge Benhayon by others. Why do we not take more responsibility for our own choices and instead choose to blame another? Serge Benhayon has offered me my freedom to choose back, and for that I will be eternally grateful to him and honour what he has said all along – this is for us all to experiment with ourselves – do not take his word for it. Well I have done that for 14 years now and I have not a cell in my body that does not know he is sharing a way of living that is more true, honest, loving, playful and has the potential for more joy than the way I was hooked into living before.

  11. I can relate to having recited from knowledge and I could feel at the time there was an emptiness in the words so that they were unable to be deeply felt and embodied as I have felt when truth has been spoken and delivered from a lived authority, you are held in love by the quality of the energy and expression.

  12. We learn to repeat what we have learned but if it is not a lived experience it is just a repetition of what someone said. So it is wiser to not talk about what someone else said but about the impress it had on us and how it is related to our life.

  13. I love the honesty in which this blog is written Lucy, it is a great illustration of how we devalue ourselves and those around us when we say ‘someone said’ and how much more power there is when we live the truth ourselves and others will naturally follow.

    1. That is very true, we devalue ourselves and therefore don’t even take time to feel something for ourselves. Rather we say someone said so we put them on a more learned footing than ourselves.

  14. Serge Benhayon is not responsible in any way with what we do with the teachings. He is responsible for living in a way that allows him to deliver the teachings. For good or bad, the rest is up to us. How we go about them ourselves and how we go about others if we happen to live not on our own is a sort of unknown territory. Even if we make mistakes, we learn from them. The importance thing is to never attribute to Serge something he never said. If we do, this is manipulation for our own gain.

    1. Good point, Eduardo, that mis-quoting anyone is manipulation for our own gain – I have in the past deliberately quoted something I thought someone said to create a drama, or a shock horror reaction, or an emotional response that in truth does not serve anyone. If words are not delivered in the full livingness of the person who initiated them then they are no longer true.

  15. It is so helpful when our family reflect back anything we do that is false and not our true selves. The true authority of our livingness is in our body and everyone can feel its veracity, and some are aware of that feeling, some resist it.

    1. Every time I live the love I know is true, the ripple effect is profound. When I bemoan and berate the ripple effect is one that should not be put into words, what I can say though is that it not only harms them but also me as the complication I then need to walk back through is twice, thrice or more what it would originally have been.

  16. We need to live it for ourselves first, absolutely true and a great reminder … if we find ourselves in any form of preaching we are in a picture or idea of how we think things should be rather than just accepting and observing how things are. And when we live it for us we claim it in our way in our bodies and it’s so much more real.

  17. Our truth is claimed through our livingness and not through talking about it…. as so lovingly shared by Lucy in her very open and honest blog.

  18. This was great for me to read as I can feel that I still measure and hold a judgement on those I live with. I expect them to be a certain way and when they are not that way I shut down to them, the hypocritical thing that you were talking of, of expecting others to change before you will.

    1. Yes, I really wonder where this comes from. It is so prevalent in us, the criticism as opposed to the loving self-reflection. Perhaps that is what is missing, the loving bit, and that is why the self-reflection is so hard…

      1. That makes sense Lucy, that the loving self-reflection is missing so it is painful to reflect as we don’t reflect but react and are frustrated with ourselves. And thus we take it out on the ones closest to us to make it easier for us by having them change themselves.

      2. Quite right, oh dear. But how great is it that we even have these conversations because it would be too easy to just blindly pretend we haven’t noticed anything.

      3. Yes it is. We are aware of these things that go on in all kind of relationships that we have but it is so normal to not be honest about this and pretend as if nobody notices. The silent contracts we have with each other to keep the peace but not change or evolve either.

  19. It is not sharing when there is a need to say something that is purely for self. I certainly have found myself doing this and it is only very recently that I have been aware of it. It’s not that I hold back but I realise that very often I do not have to say anything… my movements say it all.

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