From Abuse to Responsibility

by Michael Dixon, Lismore, Australia

When I was 15, a friend of mine offered me a cigarette. I tried smoking it, coughed a lot, got about half way through it, then threw the rest away, spending the rest of the day trying to get the horrible taste out of my mouth. At that age, smoking was cool; all my friends seemed to be doing it, even cigars on special occasions. I wanted to feel like I belonged to the club, so to speak, and by the age of 16 I was hooked.

Drinking and being as drunk as you could be was also part of growing up throughout my teens – and into university, where it was easy to do thanks to tequila nights and the yearly beer festival with that extra-strong beer that was always a challenge to drink. I never had the stomach for alcohol, and despite my continued efforts to be one of the boys who would drink all night long and then eat kebabs at 2am, I would frequently end my evenings vomiting up my student grant into the gutter and packed off home in a taxi.

I survived university, and not knowing what to do with my life went back to college to study some more. It was here I discovered ecstasy and other drugs. I would go out with my friends almost every weekend to London clubs; first a Friday night club, which then extended into Saturday; then within a few years we were staying out from Friday night to Sunday night non-stop – no sleep, just moving from night clubs to day clubs then back to class on Monday.

It’s incredible to look back at the abuse I have put my body through with no real consideration for it at all – it must be a truly amazing piece of equipment to have been able to survive all of this. I passed my degree, but I can’t even imagine what I would have accomplished if I had actually applied myself whilst I was there.

Later still, I worked on my relationship with marijuana. We had quite a deep connection together, and it was one I could never see falling apart. I spent many years in a hazy, blissful cocoon with no responsibilities for myself or anyone else. Come to think of it, I had never felt responsible for anything, I had always felt essentially indestructible no matter what I threw at myself, and as long as I had some sort of drug to mask my depression and general discontent with life, I felt I was doing OK.

And then quite possibly the best thing happened. The drugs no longer seemed to work. I had the most profound realisation that my life was not working. I had not stopped long enough through life to make any connection to anything, much less to myself. At this point I was being made to STOP. I tried and tried to make it up with marijuana but she was no longer there for me, and I was well and truly on my own. I’ll admit I was looking for help at this point. Admitting I needed help was huge because it was admitting that something was wrong, and I never liked to do that – I thought I had all the answers. But now I knew I needed some help in making sense of the rawness I felt life to be.

I was recommended an Esoteric counsellor by the name of Janet Williams, who provided me with a soft pillow to fall upon. I was bowled over by the beauty I saw in this person and the simplicity of what she offered me: a space and an acceptance of me just as I was, a simple understanding and now, as I see it, a reflection of what I am also. I knew the work Janet did drew much from what Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine presented. I had seen Serge in a private session some years prior for an asthma condition, but it wasn’t until this time that I truly appreciated what Serge was offering.

After some time I started to attend some Universal Medicine presentations, which have served me in reconnecting to myself. Quite simply, I have learnt to become more aware of my own body and how it feels. With this awareness, I am able so see how my choices affect my body. Some of my choices make my body and my mood feel like crap, and some of my choices make my body and my mood feel amazing.

Universal Medicine supported me in taking more responsibility for my life, rather than being in a state of reaction to it. This is a work in progress, and it is a work that I am now engaged in – rather than the unaware state I had been in for much of my life.

203 thoughts on “From Abuse to Responsibility

  1. How amazing was it that the drugs didn’t ‘do’ it any longer and you were called to a stop! Our bodies are simply miracles that support us in taking the responsibility that you so beautiful wrote about.

  2. The absolute disgust we feel the first time we smoke is just the honest feedback of the extent to which smoking is an enormous assault on our own body, carried out by ourselves. Through smoking, we attack ourselves big time.

    1. I remember when I tried smoking I simply couldn’t. I kept on coughing and everything in my body prohibited the smoke from entering my lungs. I didn’t understand how other people could inhale the smoke and gave up on it instantly.

  3. Sometimes it takes a little that we can accept that the love we are presented with and held in is what we so very deeply deserve.

  4. I was particularly interested in how you describe your relationship with marijuana… I remember that haze all too well, like the opposite of responsibility it allowed you to just go ‘maybe later’ and drift off. But as good as it was at masking my feelings, it could not block that ultimately I was unhappy with my life, that I had mood swings, and after a time I realised that drugs were what was stopping me from being able to access the truth of what I was feeling. When I got to that point it became easy to stop.

  5. Your deeply honest sharing is very inspiring Michael as it shows that when we are ready to make changes in our lives the support is not far away; we simply need to ask. Unfortunately many of us feel we are seen to be weak if we ask for support, that we should be able to sort it out on our own, but in truth, it is actually a strength and something to be truly celebrated, as I am sure you are doing.

  6. It shows that however lost we are and whatever drugs we use, we can always come out of it. Nothing is too hard when we are willing to take responsibility for ourselves and our choices.

  7. “This is a work in progress, and it is a work that I am now engaged in – rather than the unaware state I had been in for much of my life.” This is gorgeous. We can not like how life is and withdraw or we can step in and make our life how we want it to be by giving ourselves all the love we know life is truly about.

  8. “It’s incredible to look back at the abuse I have put my body through with no real consideration for it at all ” I didn’t take drugs, but I can relate to how much abuse I put body through without any care or consideration. Looking back I can see how I only cared for my body when it went wrong and even then only enough to get it back on track.

  9. I feel very strongly, from my own experience, that “Admitting I needed help was huge because it was admitting that something was wrong,” And this fear of owning that we have done something ‘wrong’ is such a huge roadblock in the way of many of us stepping out of a very disregarding way of life and into a life where we know we are responsible for every choice we ever make in our lives.

  10. I’m sure if the majority looked back on life and how we treated our bodies, we would also be shocked and we need to be, because that’s the state that we have put our bodies in. I know I have done all sorts of things to my body all in the name (mostly) of a good time. I recall going to work, throwing up on the way and getting to work, being too sick to work, continued to work however and then talking about what a great night it was even though I could not remember much of it. Im very please now I don’t do this anymore for a good time. In fact I don’t even need to have a good time anymore, because I am learning to enjoy me for who I am, all the time and that is vastly better than any night out.

  11. When we are in a pattern of self abuse it can be very difficult to see that it is in fact abuse, but as we slowly bring ourselves out of it the abuse becomes clear.

  12. Universal Medicine are inspiring so many people to engage back in life again, in a person’s own way and time, and bring more and more of themselves to it. An Australian popular 70’s or maybe 80’s advertising campaign was ‘Life, Be in it’, was aimed at increasing exercise of everyday Australians, but this goes way beyond this. The Benhayons’ are inspiring people to yes be in life, but to bring ALL of you to the table.

  13. The first cigarette experience is disgusting under any criteria. It is a shock to the body. Yet, we keep going. The reason we keep going is because we are all the time experimenting with altering the body. We are really trained in this. Because of what we have normalized, another truly horrible experiment is simply another one. It does not really stand up as it could if we did not have such a background.

    1. Yes altering the body, and seeing what it could take (which when you are young seems to be focussed on how much abuse we can throw at it), but also by not feeling like I was enough on my own, a desperate desire to fit in, look cool, be drinking and smoking the way my mates were. So so sad to sell out like this, and watch pretty much everyone else making the same choices.

  14. A beautifully honest blog Michael, I love how you have reconnected to listening to your body, and how your choices come from there, a truly responsible way of living.

  15. “Universal Medicine supported me in taking more responsibility for my life, rather than being in a state of reaction to it.”

    This is such a good point Michael and one I can relate to having spent the most part of my life avoiding taking responsibility for the hurt that I felt. It seemed far easier to blame the world for my unrest than to dig deep and overcome it. With thanks to the teachings of Universal Medicine applied to my daily life, this is no longer the case, far from it!

  16. That need to belong and fit in to something can put us on a slippery slope to a range of behaviours that stop us from re-connecting to the fact that we do belong in the first instance. We all belong to something very grand, which is something we know inherently as children. No child walks around wanting to fit it. They are simply themselves.

  17. The link between being checked out on drugs, or alcohol, or even overeating, and then not being aware of any responsibilities in life is a clue as to their true harm. We are all here to live a life of purpose, and though that our evolution is on offer.

  18. Responsibility is a word that offers great support to each of us. The world typically uses the word as a criticism, or a mountain to be climbed, but actually it supports us in every way, starting with caring for ourselves, to be responsible.

  19. The combination of no sleep and your constant partying would have been a horrendous experience for your body Michael – I bet it was relieved when you graduated from University!

  20. We all have this stop moments in life but do we always recognise and listen to these? Or do we not appreciate them for what they offer and instead start looking for other ways to dull ourselves even more deeper into the miasma life then becomes?

  21. “Universal Medicine supported me in taking more responsibility for my life, rather than being in a state of reaction to it.”
    Very wise words, taking responsibility completely changes the goal posts. With it we begin to understand and unravel our experiences and why we choose them, and then the very healing aspect of responsibility, we begin to choose differently.

  22. What is quite something is that you found almost over night that smoking marijuana was no longer working for you, you were no longer able to zone out in a ‘hazy, blissful cocoon’ and this was enough for you to wake you up so to speak to the choices you had been making. I love that, and it was from this place that you were open to seeing that there is another way, that self abuse is not it and change the self-destructive patterns.

  23. ‘Ignorance is bliss’ so it is said…but I find that awareness is joy-full. Perhaps we are comfortable in our ignorance, but eventually, it loses its allure and we are left to look for something less superficial and more truly upholding. It can be uncomfortable to open up to awareness, but at least with awareness we open up to something real that is consistent and doesn’t lead us into self-destructive patterns and momentums.

  24. It’s crazy how in our ‘worst state’ society doesn’t recognise us as someone who isn’t coping or doing well with life, instead it recognises that we’ve found our ‘fix’ and encourages us to see the positives/glamour in this. We are only questioned by society when the way we live exposes the accepted model where irresponsibility is promoted.

  25. Our lives are filled with choices and offer us much in the way of learning from our past choices and how they affect our bodies and also preparing and moving ourselves in a way that directly supports them to be all that they are and then some. When we bring life back to purpose and how we move within these moments we begin to see and unfoldment of so much more depth and learning that continues to grow and develop as we walk through life.

  26. It is brilliant when our medications stop working or our body starts to loudly object. Sometimes I have stopped doing harmful things to my body out of love for myself but other times I have needed to be stopped. This is such a gift that like a rubber band our body only lets us go so far with self-abuse.

    1. Yes, it’s true. Our body does start to object and now I come to think of it I had a similar experience with coffee, which no longer gave me the ‘pick me up’ I was looking for but instead just made me feel racy which felt so horrible that I naturally wanted to stop.

  27. The moment we feel yes we are on our own, a choice we have made to separate from our loveless choices can feel overwhelming and a bit intimidating, as we are making a choice to connect back with our love that we have resisted until now, but when we do it is the most deeply joyful process and experience to behold.

  28. As a young adult / adult it is madness what we think is normal in of going out and staying out, drinking etc…I used to do it without a second thought, my body was exhausted and used roughly. It isn’t just about growing older and so wiser, they do not always walk hand in hand. My awareness about how I treat myself altered because I began to listen to my body. And ask why would I as a young adult, I treat myself in such a disrespectful way? The answer, lack of self worth, feeling hurt and so I decided with support to heal those hurts….Esoteric Modalities are a great supports for the body as it heals what prevents a deeper connection with Soul and Love.

  29. Michael, being responsible for life rather than being in reaction to it, these words sang for me today, this is my learning curve, and the less I react the more responsible I can be. And it is indeed amazing (although at the time we may not want to think so!) when our ‘drugs’ of choice stop working, for me that’s been food and as I see how this food or that food no longer takes the edge off, it leaves me back with me, and reading your blog today and hearing this expressed so clearly is great as it’s confirming for me in another way what a gift that is and how to feel and be raw is in fact honest and offers us a path back to the truth we are.

  30. It is incredible just how much we are willing to torture, poison and abuse our bodies just so we can fit into or be socially accepted by a culture, that quite frankly, actively dishonours who we are in essence. It’s almost like we are competing for who can exhibit and withstand the greatest degree of loveless treatment to our bodies, for attention. The efforts we invest into this behaviour is worthy to note. I have also been down this road and know that it leads to nowhere but to a greater sense of emptiness and purposelessness. Yet all the while within us is a quality that defines who we are, that requires no need for recognition or acceptance and is ever-present within us all. There is at the end of the day no greater value than being who we are, in connection to the love we are. Imagine the quality of life we would live if we invested our focus and efforts in building a loving and honouring relationship with our body and being?

  31. I relate Michael to the pattern of being in reaction to life. I too have been in constant reaction to life, and in reaction to my choices, yo-yoing between indulgence and abstinence, depending on how life was going for me at the time. Sessions with Universal Medicine practitioners and attending Universal Medicine courses and workshops were what turned it around for me – noting there are works still in progress!

  32. What an amazing turnaround Michael. I am just as surprised as you at just how much the abuse the body can handle. I , along with many others spent years abusing the body and yet in an instant with a change of heart I was able to completely, as there is no joy to be found in abuse. And yet I found out that bringing more responsibility to my life brought a lot of joy!

  33. What a blessing Serge Benhayon has brought to so many people by supporting them to take responsibility for their lives. Being responsible for our lives leads to great empowerment.

  34. “I would frequently end my evenings vomiting up my student grant into the gutter” an indication that the intellect of the university student is not so intelligent.

  35. Without responsibility we just go round and round until we are eventually stopped, which is a not-so-pleasant experience but a necessary one nonetheless to support us to come back to love.

  36. From abuse to responsibility is definitely a great sharing. One that is very inspiring and one that I am sure many of us can relate to. Abuse can come in different ways and guises and feel different to each person. Taking responsibility for ourselves and our choices, is what it is all about.

  37. I appreciate the honesty of your blog Michael.. it’s quite amazing what we do to ourselves in our attempts to mask the sadness and depression, and what the body cops as a result. Eventually we realise that our choices of self-sabotage and numbing aren’t working, and there’s nowhere else to turn but within – to look at what these feelings really are and to know that while they feel very real and raw, they’re not an innate part of who we are.

  38. The natural wisdom of our bodies is so profound that it can reach us even in our darkest times with a feeling or condition insistently showing us there is so much more than what we are living in that moment. Our choice to listen or not of course, but it never stops communicating no matter how hard we try to ignore it.

  39. Many of us have been abusive to our bodies, myself included, in one way or another, why is this when in reality they are our best friends and hold so much wisdom?

  40. To be ‘working on our stuff’ (reactions to life) is amazing as it requires commitment to at least try to be responsible in life, even though the application of it may not be perfect at all…

  41. There is no doubt that when alcohol is prominant and the focus in ones life, that there is the distinct opportunity for abuse to occur. The abuse is first and foremost with ourselves, then the abuse can be directed out at others. When we begin to take responsibility the abuse does and can subside.

  42. When we understand energy, flow with life and love ourselves to the very essence we are made of – there is not much time for abusing oneself.

  43. There is no doubting that drinking alcohol makes us feel rubbish so why is it that we repeat the same mistakes over and over again?

  44. It is incredible how our bodies can survive extreme abuse and remain our most loyal and honest friend.

  45. Great article Michael on learning to be responsible in our lives and the impact our choices can have on us that either lead us away from love or take us a step towards building more love.

  46. Amazing Michael, your description of your ‘good life’ taking a cocktail of drugs and abusing yourself left, right and centre is the way so many would view such an existence, just as you did, appealingly ‘free of responsibility’. The crazy thing is that the more responsibility we accept in life, for ourselves and for others, the more meaningful and purposeful life becomes. You could say we are built to take absolute and full responsibility, beyond anything we are often willing to acknowledge.

  47. The way you described your relationship with Marijuana as being in a comfortable cocoon was very accurate and eye opening, because there are many such things which provide the same effect, like beliefs, food, music etc and they are all thought of as good things. It is when we are coming out of the cocoon we realise what it has really been like being stuck and fooling ourselves.

  48. “Quite simply, I have learnt to become more aware of my own body and how it feels.” Bringing purpose to life is forever rewarding and deepening to a body that is bottomless in love. That is the beauty – rediscovering and building the love back into the body.

  49. As horrible as it can feel it is probably the best that can happen to us when our coping mechanisms finally fail and leave us with an intensity that supports us to become more honest and willing to face what is really going on. It seems we often need some crisis to get ourselves out of the pitfall we have created.

  50. There is an epidemic of lack of honest expression in our society. We seem to just allow and accept so much and pretend everything is ok. I have to wonder how much would change if we all dropped the pretence and simply said how we felt.

  51. Beautiful choice to become aware again and choose to continue so! That is powerful and it shows our capability of how we can get out of ill behaviors – simply by a choice and build up of past choices that have not worked. We can choose the simple way – that is saying no to abuse, step by step, whatever that means for you in your life.

  52. I love the honesty with what you have shared and I am sure this is something that many people, on some level, can relate to and with, including myself. The body is truly remarkable as no matter how much we disregard, ignore, abuse and overlook it, it still tirelessly carries on doing all the magical jobs it does within all the systems and cells etc. It is interesting that when you first tried a cigarette you hated it but later ended up smoking and it is crazy what we do in overlooking being true to ourselves and our bodies just to ‘fit in’ with others!

  53. Your words here Michael summate my own sentiments also: “Universal Medicine supported me in taking more responsibility for my life, rather than being in a state of reaction to it. This is a work in progress, and it is a work that I am now engaged in – rather than the unaware state I had been in for much of my life.”
    Give me awareness any day over the slumber I also once lived in – fuelled and perpetuated by cigarettes, alcohol-abuse and so much else besides… The support and indeed inspiration offered by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine is something I find continually life-changing – awakening awareness of what I know to be true within, and making the real deal of living love in this world all the more powerfully accessible.

  54. What a straight forward expose on the ridiculousness of our societally-accepted abusive choices… and then, the realisation that we needn’t do this to ourselves at all, if we only accept love – the love that we innately are – back into the foundation of our own lives, and allow all of the self-created complexity and pain to dismantle…
    Such re-awakenings are what change the world. Beautifully and honestly shared Michael, thank-you.

  55. I love the succinctness and clear cut precision of your contribution here – when you write “Some of my choices make my body and my mood feel like crap, and some of my choices make my body and my mood feel amazing” it indicates a willingness to not just let life happen but to take responsibility for one’s choices and make different ones if the outcome is ‘crap’. The fact that our life is in our hands couldn’t be made clearer.

  56. “…it (the body) must be a truly amazing piece of equipment to have been able to survive all of this.”
    Very true Michael, I have been feeling this as well, it is incredible what the body puts up with and all we do when it eventually breaks down is complain, blame, push and refuse to accept that this is our own doing.

  57. I remember trying smoking for the first time and alcohol and even coffee and they all felt the same, a poison infiltrating my delicate body. It felt the absolute opposite of what you would knowingly put in your body. But if we do not know ourselves as enough just as we are we will use anything to attain it or fill it. I never took up smoking but did drink alcohol on and off through my 20s, however my addiction of choice was drama, complication, overwhelm and stories. Michael your story and like all of the blogs on this site so clearly reveal how once we are either supported by someone to see the true grandness of who we are or we return to it ourselves, we have the opportunity to see and let go of all the ‘stuff’ we have chosen to place in the way.

  58. Being supported to take true responsibility for our life is priceless, and having people who inspire us to do so are precious indeed.

  59. Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine have also been a huge support in my reconnecting to my body and that is the greatest gift possible. It is really weird how many of us have been abusive to our bodies when they hold such immense wisdom and make a ginormous difference to the quality of our lives.

  60. ‘…it must be a truly amazing piece of equipment to have been able to survive all of this.’
    The body is absolutely incredible, my goodness, what we put it through on a daily basis is huge. Having seen images of cells and vessels and how everything looks so gorgeously delicate, it’s mind blowing to know that it can still keep functioning and sustaining life with all the poisons we put it through. Not only the obviously toxic substances but emotions and ways of being that do not support who we truly are, they are just as toxic.

    1. Agree Rachael it is amazing how the body is so versatile yet so fragile at the same time. For example the body’s core temperature can only vary a couple of degrees however there are so many mechanisms that assist the body in not fluctuating its temperature too much.

  61. I love the simplicity of the awareness you developed allowing you to feel whether your choices made your body feel crap, or amazing…. With that, then how you feel is completely up to you and dependent simply on what you choose.

  62. We have all allowed abuse in some ways in our lives, whether it is what we have allowed as abuse from others, or our own self abuse. This can come in many forms, drugs being one of them. I know for me, drugs were a means to escape life, to not have to take responsibility or feel many hurts I didn’t want to feel. Learning that it is ok to feel those hurts and open up to life, commit to life, that then allows us to open up and be more responsible for our lot in life.

  63. When we are children, smoking is seen as a way to transport ourselves to the world of adults (seeing as gropwn up is a major thing). But it is not just the image that attracts us to go there, we become openly willing experiment with self-abuse also, like adults do.

  64. The body is far more intelligent than the human mind, most people if they could remember it when trying alcohol or cigarettes for the first time would not have enjoyed the initial sip or inhalation. This is the message from the body, then we override this to suit us for emotional reasons and the body has to suffer the effects of what is points on a cellular level.

  65. Thank you Michael for sharing your story, your experiences and your wisdom. Taking responsibility is certainly the key, responsibility to listen, to respond and to care deeply for our bodies.

  66. Thank you Michael. I loved reading this. Being supported to take responsibility is an absolute godsend as it is not an easy path to walk. Your story is amazing and a testament to the choices you are now making inspired by Janet Williams and Serge Benhayon.

  67. “Universal Medicine supported me in taking more responsibility for my life, rather than being in a state of reaction to it.” In this Universal Medicine has supported thousands of people to come to an understanding of why they have chosen the things they have, and to look underneath at the underlying motivation for it all, empowering change from within. My life has transformed by this understanding and applying the teachings to my life.

  68. It is amazing how simple life can be when we start listening to our body which makes it even more amazing how we as a society are so hell bent on destroying our bodies in one way or another!

  69. Great to read your sharing with such honesty Michael, and the way you came out of the abusive behaviour of drug taking and drinking which is so common among the young people today. Becoming responsible for your choices is a step to living a more loving way with yourself first and then this follows on to others.

  70. When we are teens we want to become like them (adults). Is it a coincidence that at that time most choose irresponsibility? Or, is irresponsibility part of what teens feel in adults and operate based on that reflection?

    1. If we make life about responsibility there is much we can ponder on. Then we can’t say as parents that ‘its just life’ that the children are irresponsible but might have to look at what reflection we are offering or at other places in their life where irresponsibility is made the norm.

  71. Wow Michael that is really an honest blog about the relationship you had with alcohol and drugs. It is amazing how you have changed you life – “Universal Medicine supported me in taking more responsibility for my life, rather than being in a state of reaction to it.” That is truly the best medicine ever and I am wondering why this kind of medicine is not normally prescribed.

  72. Taking drugs to avoid responsibility is a huge problem in the world today. An obvious question to ask would be why? Why do we want to avoid responsibility so much that we are prepared to destroy our bodies and our lives? This is definitely worth pondering on.

  73. What I really enjoyed about this blog was the honesty about your relationship with these substances, being able to question the quality of the relationship and sought to better understand why such a relationship is playing out. Thank you Michael.

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