If It’s Not Love, I’m Not Coming

by Kim Olsen, Warwick, Queensland

For many years, I grappled with an awareness/feeling that this world is full of paradoxes. Many so-called truths are based on part-truths, which is why we get hooked in when in fact the reality is, these ‘truths’ are in fact not true. Whilst I felt this deep inside, I was confused and troubled. It took the words of Serge Benhayon for me to accept and trust these feelings as the truth. By him affirming in his teachings what I had already felt, I gradually re-learned to listen to my feelings.

One such paradox was about sex and love. For many years I had realised that sex just did not cut it, and knew I sought love. But what is love? It felt clear that the needy, co-dependent love we are told is love, is not it. As a male, and hearing all the stories of what sex and love is about, I was confused. I thought that making love must be a higher form of sex, so I still viewed it through that window. I now realise that the two are not even part of the same paradigm.

For me, ‘being love’ is being present with myself first and then with others. Being love is the only space from which ‘making love’ can eventuate. Being present to others can only come from being present to me. I have found this being present builds more consistency, it builds a livingness. Here is the crunch… being in the livingness can only come from living what is true for me and being love.

So while at one level I knew that making love was a communion of souls, I could not quite get the profoundness of that until I learned to live as me. I now joy-fully choose it.

Over the years I carefully observed my reactions and myself. From this I noticed a couple of things:

  1. The phenomenon of ‘blue balls’. This is when men are said to get sore testicles if they get aroused and don’t get relief. Many years ago I found that this would only occur if there was an expectation in my mind that relief was necessary. So I say that if we don’t pander to a man’s ‘it’s all about me’ need, then we do what is ultimately the kindest thing, we ask him to experience truth. The truth is men have also been ‘sold a story’ that ‘it’ is about relief. I ask, relief from what? From knowing and experiencing ourselves and each other in truth? I say no thank you to that.
  2. I realised that when a well-meaning partner had sex with me when she did not feel to, I did not actually feel relief. All I felt afterwards was I should have said ‘no thanks’ (that isn’t easy in ‘the heat of the moment’). Not only did I not feel relief, I felt short-changed. This was difficult to understand and articulate then.

Those examples are just a taste of the anomalies I felt with my view of sex.

So you can imagine what a relief it was to hear what Serge Benhayon was saying on sex and relationships. I was able to let go of these myths and follow my heart. I had been grappling with these part-truths for many years and quickly saw the ‘it makes sense’ factor in what Serge was saying. So although I had seen that it is about meeting someone and not relief, I can now see clearly what I was grappling with. I now follow my truth and let go of a ‘need’ to be whatever someone, or the world, wants me to be. I am now able to let go of the expectation that I had put on myself and on my partner.

On a more general note, I now realise that when I was ‘being what I thought others wanted me to be’ (which was one of my coping mechanisms), not only was I hurting myself, I was also not giving my partner the chance to know me. The result of this was confusion for both. How could I be respected by me or another if I had a mask on?

This freeing has happened in many areas, thanks to the Universal Medicine teachings.

I now live with a gentle joy, which finds its way into my relationships, and means I have no need to fill the quiet spaces with myself and with others.

Thank you Serge Benhayon.

162 thoughts on “If It’s Not Love, I’m Not Coming

  1. I love what you share here. Love isn’t about being dependable, but to be all of who we are with the other person and seeing all that they are in equality. It is indeed a hurt for both sides when we choose to be who we think others want us to be – it is dishonouring of ourself and in turn the other.

  2. Kim, this would be a great article to have published in a men’s magazine, as I feel the readers would be inspired by your openness and honesty in sharing your awareness and experiences of the vast differences between making love and having sex.

  3. Thank you Kim, so awesome to hear you express this, I would love to see your article in mainstream media to help bust the myths some of us have.

  4. Kim – I’m totally with you about the “blue balls”. I have also found it to be based entirely around the need for relief rather than any kind of physiological factors. Over the years I have been living with a far greater tenderness of myself, resulting in a much more intimate relationship with myself. Which in turn, has meant that I haven’t been craving intimacy from my partner, I haven’t needed that relief, I haven’t craved that missing connection because I have been living it so much more with myself…and so, I haven’t had “blue balls” for years.

  5. Thank you Kim, I really appreciate the opportunity to read about a man’s perspective on sex and making love. When we choose to have sex rather than make love we are actually undermining our connection to another. Your words allow me to feel how sensitive men naturally are and how harmful it is for both men and women to choose to have sex with somebody for relief.

  6. Kim what a great and honest article and how beautifully you have expressed. Definitely needs to be in mainstream media for others to read.

  7. “How could I be respected by me or another if I had a mask on?” That simple question Kim said it all. I love what you have shared about the difference between sex and “making love” and I am wondering how long we as a society choose to keep our masks on and championing sex as the best thing ever instead of choosing to be without this mask and discover what most of us are craving for – making love.

  8. ‘I now live with a gentle joy, which finds its way into my relationships, and means I have no need to fill the quiet spaces with myself and with others’. Gorgeous Kim to read and feel.

  9. I love the simple and yet profound wisdom in recognizing that people will never get the chance to truly meet and know the real you if you are constantly being what you think others want you to be. An important lesson in reminding you that there is no one else to be but you.

  10. It’s no wonder that so many women don’t like sex. Sex is not a nice thing in my view. Making love on the other hand, is a completely different thing.

  11. When the focus is about pleasing others, we loose ourselves. When we are living who we are pleasing does not even enter the picture.

  12. Appreciating these wise words learnt from real experience: “…not only was I hurting myself, I was also not giving my partner the chance to know me.”
    How blessed is any relationship when we are willing to go beyond personal need, and indeed the seeking of relief via sex with our partner – and embrace the deeper honesty, truth and yes love that is on offer? Thank-you for sharing so openly here Kim.

  13. One thing I notice over and over in the blogs of Universal Medicine students is that what they hear from Serge Benhayon confirms what they already feel or know. It may be that something on a particular topic doesn’t feel right or add up, like this blog expresses on sex and making love, and what Serge shares clarifies, confirms and perhaps even expands what we actually already have a knowing of inside. Very empowering.

  14. It is beautiful to read about the affects of sex from a mans point of view. It is refreshing and honest and defines the hurt that is felt, even if it can’t be articulated.

  15. “I now follow my truth and let go of a ‘need’ to be whatever someone, or the world, wants me to be.” Profound and simple. The relief comes from not being who you are. Being who I am is not holding back the realness of what I am feeling and experiencing. Thus the world of truth is unfolding back to discovering what is already known and what is not true.

  16. Thank you Kim for a very open and honest sharing and your experiences on finding your way back to true love – I am sure your article would be inspiring for many.

  17. Pleasing and living what we think another wants us to be is a clever trick to avoid responsibility yet it is through connecting to our inner heart that we begin to be aware of those moments that are untrue before we can live love. It is catching those moments when we go into pleasing another that we can ask ourselves ‘are we being true to ourselves?’

  18. When I have been confirmed of what I have been feeling in my body which is very often up against what we regard as being normal in society there is immense joy left in my body and I agree it begins the journey to re-learn to listen and trust those feelings that I so often over-rided and ignored. A confidence develops on the inside where I begin to feel content within my body. The openess and honesty with which Kim shares is greatly appreciated – thank you.

  19. When we talk about relief, what are we actually talking about? There are many ways we relieve ourselves from the tensions and stressors of life – sex being one and food, alcohol, sports and entertainment being others. To me, we are relieving ourselves from not living who we truly are – so there is a void, a chasm that is created from not expressing our fullness and from there, the emptiness can be all consuming. But none of the above things really cut it – we are always left wanting more relief as we are not dealing with or acknowledging the deeper reasons behind the emptiness.

  20. If our focus is on pleasing another, and being what you think they want of you, then we abandon ourself and what is true for us, and people do not get to meet the true you

  21. It is true that when a partner wants sex and not to make love, the experience no matter how physically amazing it is, would feel empty to me. But when a partner is really there fully present to you, to himself, to love, the physical part comes secondary but there would be a deep fullness felt, that is very beautiful.

  22. Trying to please another in a relationship to keep the peace just doesn’t work – we end up losing ourselves in the process, and losing respect for ourselves, as we’re not valuing what we bring to the relationship and to the world.

  23. Great conversation to have there is so much more to men an incredible tenderness that needs to understood more by humanity.

  24. Since I met Serge Behayon my whole view on what love actually is and what sex is has completely changed. I was always falling in and out of relationships but was always blaming the other for she was not the one, so love could to be maintained. The same thing with sex, I loved sex, but afterwards I felt empty and even dirty. Now I know that having sex and making love are two entire different things. Making love is not some better version of sex, it comes with a different energy, the energy of love while sex comes with non-;loving energy. I had to re-learn what making love was truly about, and I am making steps along the way.

  25. I like how you say you carefully observed your reactions and yourself. There is an allowing in it, no judgement just observing to then be able to see what is going on.

  26. “Being love is the only space from which ‘making love’ can eventuate.” When we learn to love ourselves, be in that love and be the love we naturally are, there is nothing more we need to do.

  27. “But what is love?” This is a question that most of humanity is asking and not finding the answer. I too knew I didn’t have the answer until I listened to presentations by Serge Benhayon and I slowly became aware of the true love deep within me just waiting for me to feel and share with myself and others.

  28. Thank you Kim for spelling this out so clearly – having sex is based on function and need whereas making love is based on connection and true intimacy; it is about expressing the love that we are together as opposed to using other to seek relief.

    1. Having sex is currently the norm, but in the future it may be seen as a symptom of dis-ease, and indicate that there is an absence of connection to the essence of love we are. Sex is presently seen as the apex of human experience, and perhaps it is if the measure is living purely in function and physicality, shut off from the multidimensionality of our being and soul.

  29. Thank you for sharing this powerful message of love, and how it is only by way of our connection to our love within that we can be the love we already are, through which we then can truly make love in all that we do, including when we physically unite with our partners to make love.

  30. It is truly beautiful when we let go of all the layers of who we think we need to be and connect to our innate beauty from within. Those layers are thick with all these ideals and beliefs that we have taken on so to be able to free ourselves of such ways allows us to be all of who we are with everyone that we meet and have relationships with.

  31. It seems men and women have been short-changing themselves and each other for years when it comes to making love. How wonderful to get a clear perspective on sex v love. Thank you Kim, and thank you Serge Benhayon!

  32. Kim your blog has reminded me of the vast array of topics that Serge Benhayon presents on, and that the Way of the Livingness, or living the souls way in earth, touches, transforms and elevates every facet of life to being about the essence of who we are – love.

  33. Thank you Kim, this is a greatly needed topic for discussion around how we are in relationships and with eachother.

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