If It’s Not Love, I’m Not Coming

by Kim Olsen, Warwick, Queensland

For many years, I grappled with an awareness/feeling that this world is full of paradoxes. Many so-called truths are based on part-truths, which is why we get hooked in when in fact the reality is, these ‘truths’ are in fact not true. Whilst I felt this deep inside, I was confused and troubled. It took the words of Serge Benhayon for me to accept and trust these feelings as the truth. By him affirming in his teachings what I had already felt, I gradually re-learned to listen to my feelings.

One such paradox was about sex and love. For many years I had realised that sex just did not cut it, and knew I sought love. But what is love? It felt clear that the needy, co-dependent love we are told is love, is not it. As a male, and hearing all the stories of what sex and love is about, I was confused. I thought that making love must be a higher form of sex, so I still viewed it through that window. I now realise that the two are not even part of the same paradigm.

For me, ‘being love’ is being present with myself first and then with others. Being love is the only space from which ‘making love’ can eventuate. Being present to others can only come from being present to me. I have found this being present builds more consistency, it builds a livingness. Here is the crunch… being in the livingness can only come from living what is true for me and being love.

So while at one level I knew that making love was a communion of souls, I could not quite get the profoundness of that until I learned to live as me. I now joy-fully choose it.

Over the years I carefully observed my reactions and myself. From this I noticed a couple of things:

  1. The phenomenon of ‘blue balls’. This is when men are said to get sore testicles if they get aroused and don’t get relief. Many years ago I found that this would only occur if there was an expectation in my mind that relief was necessary. So I say that if we don’t pander to a man’s ‘it’s all about me’ need, then we do what is ultimately the kindest thing, we ask him to experience truth. The truth is men have also been ‘sold a story’ that ‘it’ is about relief. I ask, relief from what? From knowing and experiencing ourselves and each other in truth? I say no thank you to that.
  2. I realised that when a well-meaning partner had sex with me when she did not feel to, I did not actually feel relief. All I felt afterwards was I should have said ‘no thanks’ (that isn’t easy in ‘the heat of the moment’). Not only did I not feel relief, I felt short-changed. This was difficult to understand and articulate then.

Those examples are just a taste of the anomalies I felt with my view of sex.

So you can imagine what a relief it was to hear what Serge Benhayon was saying on sex and relationships. I was able to let go of these myths and follow my heart. I had been grappling with these part-truths for many years and quickly saw the ‘it makes sense’ factor in what Serge was saying. So although I had seen that it is about meeting someone and not relief, I can now see clearly what I was grappling with. I now follow my truth and let go of a ‘need’ to be whatever someone, or the world, wants me to be. I am now able to let go of the expectation that I had put on myself and on my partner.

On a more general note, I now realise that when I was ‘being what I thought others wanted me to be’ (which was one of my coping mechanisms), not only was I hurting myself, I was also not giving my partner the chance to know me. The result of this was confusion for both. How could I be respected by me or another if I had a mask on?

This freeing has happened in many areas, thanks to the Universal Medicine teachings.

I now live with a gentle joy, which finds its way into my relationships, and means I have no need to fill the quiet spaces with myself and with others.

Thank you Serge Benhayon.

196 thoughts on “If It’s Not Love, I’m Not Coming

  1. This is such as classic way that we learn to be, and so you voicing this reveals a common choice we have all made at some point in our lives: “On a more general note, I now realise that when I was ‘being what I thought others wanted me to be’ (which was one of my coping mechanisms), not only was I hurting myself, I was also not giving my partner the chance to know me. The result of this was confusion for both. How could I be respected by me or another if I had a mask on?”

  2. Deep down we all know there is more to life than what we can see and what is on offer in our current society as a ‘norm’ and yet we struggle to find this truth. This explains why there is such a strong tendency for depression for how difficult is it to continue with life when we know something does not sit whole and complete for us. And yet the truth is not hidden, it is there for us when we truly seek it.

  3. Thank you Kim for an honest and open sharing of a topic that is often bastardised or only discussed whilst avoiding the truth. Sex is a physical act but as we are so much more than just physical then what happens to the being part that is far greater and grander and volumous than the physical counterpart? This is the part that is often left out but you have discussed this so beautifully in this blog.

  4. Kim thanks for your open sharing about sex and relationships. Certainly there are a lot of pictures around these topics but how great coming accross to someone who lovingly invites us to feel deep down inside and to discern where is actually the truth. Trust in my feelings instead of my thoughts is one the most empowering choices I’ve ever made, and it’s still an ongoing process for me to learn. Thanks Serge Benhayon for showing me another way to live.

  5. One of the cool things I’ve learned from Serge Benhayon is being able to articulate my feelings. The more I do this and express what I feel the lighter I feel and less confused.

  6. The co-dependant, needy, relief seeking type of arrangement between two people is a huge turn off. But I thank Universal Medicine for presenting that the subject is far grander. We don’t HAVE to settle for less than love.

  7. ‘I thought that making love must be a higher form of sex, so I still viewed it through that window. I now realise that the two are not even part of the same paradigm.’
    I was always puzzled what the difference was and why having sex wasn’t fulfilling at all, but left me with an ’empty’ feeling. With Serge his quote; making love is being you and doing what you do’, a whole dimension got added that broadened my horizon and my love life.

    1. Yes Monika, it totally elimates the poisonal thoughts. Brings back the truth of what making love is all about – it is in our every way in our everyday, not just in one or two acts. That would make no true sense.

  8. Aha, I trust the title of the blog is pun unintended 😉 But on a serious note, once one experiences what love truly is, it is with great effort one needs to override this and accept something that is less than such love.

    1. I read your comment Michael and went back to the title of the blog and had to have a laugh! Thank you!

  9. Kim, it is great to hear another mans experience and how you have said no to what is not love. For so long i have accepted love and essentially enabled less than the love I know to continue to be circulated around me. The more I step up and say yes to love and no to anything less than the love I know the more love becomes the normal and only acceptable way of being. After all why on Earth (pun intended) would we accept any less than the love we are?

  10. I love the opening paragraph it says much. In particular the words about the many paradoxes of truth that are part-truths. The way these words are placed in particular are a great representation on bringing awareness. Truth ignites me and that is the difference between the part-truths that leave you empty looking for more. As Kim expresses how Serge’s livingness of his relationship with his intuitiveness is confirming to our intuition we equally hold.

  11. “I thought that making love must be a higher form of sex”, yep me too, totally fell for that one as well. I think that is why so many men & women resisted this demand to ‘make love’ as opposed to ‘sex’ because it was so loaded with all these expectations, pictures, ideals and beliefs. What you share blows that out of the water as when we are simply ourselves (love) and share that with others, that is true making love. And when you choose to bring that to the physical act of sex, that is making love with this physical action.

  12. Factually for most men, it is about relief. Yet, it is not told as such. So, it is even if men may not be conscious about it. Being aware of this helps to make a different choice and to start asking the questions regarding why do we need relief in the first place..

  13. Relationships can be full of expectations especially when it comes to sex, however when we let go of expectations and make love instead a whole new world of gentleness, tenderness and love opens up to us.

  14. We are shown that the world we live in is based on energy, that is felt in all that we do, act and experience. Nothing is free from energy. So should we live more in accordance to the quality of energy we move with, in and by. Beautifully put, we need to live the energy we are made of (love) and let go of all our loveless ways.

      1. Yes Greg, for it is our forever journey to come back to who we are and live from that essential place inside, that instantly shows us what is true and what is not.

  15. Thank you for this brilliant blog Kim. I love the fact that you make it clear that making love and having sex are completely different things, one is not a higher form of the other. There is no on off switch for lovemaking, only a surrender to the quality that we naturally are.

  16. True love is a quality that we cannot compromise on. For if we fall for the lure and tricks of emotional love that has us insatiably searching outside ourselves for something that is within, we will forever remain unfulfilled.

    1. When we find the Esoteric way of living, which is reconnecting to our Inner-most we find that this essence is simply that childhood playful-ness that has always remained within.

  17. Learning to be yourself, is one of the most simple yet so difficult things to do I find. Mostly because we are sold so many pictures about who that person should be, and that who we are is not enough so needs to become something. That is all an illusion. We are everything from the moment we are born. But slowly we lose our connection to that and choose to be something we are not. I enjoyed reading your story about returning to you.

  18. Wow Kim, it’s not often that we get to hear a man’s perspective on making love and the feel the sensitivity a man holds. This in itself is a great healing offered.

  19. I really loved reading this from a man’s perspective. Unfortunately, not enough conversations are had between men and women that allow each to understand the other or for our combined understanding to come back to truth. I have heard the belief that men need relief through sex, but as you say, relief from what? And what does making-love have to do with relief? If we are living in love and harmony then there is no need for relief.

  20. This is huge — cutting through all the myths and lies that our world has been corrupted with that making love is about.. The true version of what love is is actually known in each of our hearts. And so, no matter how far the deception reaches, our hearts will remain carry the truth of what love is (=that is the source of who we are: love).

  21. Thanks for having the balls to raise this topic Kim – whatever colour they are. It seems to me, that once we have rediscovered our connection to love within, sex doesn’t really offer us anything. There is no need for relief if we are in a loving relationship with ourselves for life is filled with ‘making love’ instead…and not just in the bedroom but in all areas of our lives.

  22. Thank you Kim, this is a greatly needed topic for discussion around how we are in relationships and with eachother.

  23. Kim your blog has reminded me of the vast array of topics that Serge Benhayon presents on, and that the Way of the Livingness, or living the souls way in earth, touches, transforms and elevates every facet of life to being about the essence of who we are – love.

  24. It seems men and women have been short-changing themselves and each other for years when it comes to making love. How wonderful to get a clear perspective on sex v love. Thank you Kim, and thank you Serge Benhayon!

  25. It is truly beautiful when we let go of all the layers of who we think we need to be and connect to our innate beauty from within. Those layers are thick with all these ideals and beliefs that we have taken on so to be able to free ourselves of such ways allows us to be all of who we are with everyone that we meet and have relationships with.

  26. Thank you for sharing this powerful message of love, and how it is only by way of our connection to our love within that we can be the love we already are, through which we then can truly make love in all that we do, including when we physically unite with our partners to make love.

  27. Thank you Kim for spelling this out so clearly – having sex is based on function and need whereas making love is based on connection and true intimacy; it is about expressing the love that we are together as opposed to using other to seek relief.

    1. Having sex is currently the norm, but in the future it may be seen as a symptom of dis-ease, and indicate that there is an absence of connection to the essence of love we are. Sex is presently seen as the apex of human experience, and perhaps it is if the measure is living purely in function and physicality, shut off from the multidimensionality of our being and soul.

  28. “But what is love?” This is a question that most of humanity is asking and not finding the answer. I too knew I didn’t have the answer until I listened to presentations by Serge Benhayon and I slowly became aware of the true love deep within me just waiting for me to feel and share with myself and others.

    1. Deep down we do know it Adele and I love how you have shared this so openly. And yet we are kings and queens at complicating this and forgetting the very essence we have come from. Yet as we have created to complications, who best to undo them other than ourselves?

  29. “Being love is the only space from which ‘making love’ can eventuate.” When we learn to love ourselves, be in that love and be the love we naturally are, there is nothing more we need to do.

  30. I like how you say you carefully observed your reactions and yourself. There is an allowing in it, no judgement just observing to then be able to see what is going on.

  31. Since I met Serge Behayon my whole view on what love actually is and what sex is has completely changed. I was always falling in and out of relationships but was always blaming the other for she was not the one, so love could to be maintained. The same thing with sex, I loved sex, but afterwards I felt empty and even dirty. Now I know that having sex and making love are two entire different things. Making love is not some better version of sex, it comes with a different energy, the energy of love while sex comes with non-;loving energy. I had to re-learn what making love was truly about, and I am making steps along the way.

  32. Great conversation to have there is so much more to men an incredible tenderness that needs to understood more by humanity.

  33. Trying to please another in a relationship to keep the peace just doesn’t work – we end up losing ourselves in the process, and losing respect for ourselves, as we’re not valuing what we bring to the relationship and to the world.

  34. It is true that when a partner wants sex and not to make love, the experience no matter how physically amazing it is, would feel empty to me. But when a partner is really there fully present to you, to himself, to love, the physical part comes secondary but there would be a deep fullness felt, that is very beautiful.

  35. If our focus is on pleasing another, and being what you think they want of you, then we abandon ourself and what is true for us, and people do not get to meet the true you

  36. When we talk about relief, what are we actually talking about? There are many ways we relieve ourselves from the tensions and stressors of life – sex being one and food, alcohol, sports and entertainment being others. To me, we are relieving ourselves from not living who we truly are – so there is a void, a chasm that is created from not expressing our fullness and from there, the emptiness can be all consuming. But none of the above things really cut it – we are always left wanting more relief as we are not dealing with or acknowledging the deeper reasons behind the emptiness.

  37. When I have been confirmed of what I have been feeling in my body which is very often up against what we regard as being normal in society there is immense joy left in my body and I agree it begins the journey to re-learn to listen and trust those feelings that I so often over-rided and ignored. A confidence develops on the inside where I begin to feel content within my body. The openess and honesty with which Kim shares is greatly appreciated – thank you.

  38. Pleasing and living what we think another wants us to be is a clever trick to avoid responsibility yet it is through connecting to our inner heart that we begin to be aware of those moments that are untrue before we can live love. It is catching those moments when we go into pleasing another that we can ask ourselves ‘are we being true to ourselves?’

  39. Thank you Kim for a very open and honest sharing and your experiences on finding your way back to true love – I am sure your article would be inspiring for many.

  40. “I now follow my truth and let go of a ‘need’ to be whatever someone, or the world, wants me to be.” Profound and simple. The relief comes from not being who you are. Being who I am is not holding back the realness of what I am feeling and experiencing. Thus the world of truth is unfolding back to discovering what is already known and what is not true.

  41. It is beautiful to read about the affects of sex from a mans point of view. It is refreshing and honest and defines the hurt that is felt, even if it can’t be articulated.

  42. One thing I notice over and over in the blogs of Universal Medicine students is that what they hear from Serge Benhayon confirms what they already feel or know. It may be that something on a particular topic doesn’t feel right or add up, like this blog expresses on sex and making love, and what Serge shares clarifies, confirms and perhaps even expands what we actually already have a knowing of inside. Very empowering.

  43. Appreciating these wise words learnt from real experience: “…not only was I hurting myself, I was also not giving my partner the chance to know me.”
    How blessed is any relationship when we are willing to go beyond personal need, and indeed the seeking of relief via sex with our partner – and embrace the deeper honesty, truth and yes love that is on offer? Thank-you for sharing so openly here Kim.

  44. When the focus is about pleasing others, we loose ourselves. When we are living who we are pleasing does not even enter the picture.

  45. It’s no wonder that so many women don’t like sex. Sex is not a nice thing in my view. Making love on the other hand, is a completely different thing.

  46. I love the simple and yet profound wisdom in recognizing that people will never get the chance to truly meet and know the real you if you are constantly being what you think others want you to be. An important lesson in reminding you that there is no one else to be but you.

  47. ‘I now live with a gentle joy, which finds its way into my relationships, and means I have no need to fill the quiet spaces with myself and with others’. Gorgeous Kim to read and feel.

  48. It is an awesome article Elizabeth and yes to have it published in a men’s magazine would be truly supportive for all men and what they already know, but perhaps cannot articulate.

  49. “How could I be respected by me or another if I had a mask on?” That simple question Kim said it all. I love what you have shared about the difference between sex and “making love” and I am wondering how long we as a society choose to keep our masks on and championing sex as the best thing ever instead of choosing to be without this mask and discover what most of us are craving for – making love.

  50. Thank you Kim for this simple and practical account of what making love means as oppose to having sex.

  51. Kim what a great and honest article and how beautifully you have expressed. Definitely needs to be in mainstream media for others to read.

  52. Thank you Kim, I really appreciate the opportunity to read about a man’s perspective on sex and making love. When we choose to have sex rather than make love we are actually undermining our connection to another. Your words allow me to feel how sensitive men naturally are and how harmful it is for both men and women to choose to have sex with somebody for relief.

  53. Kim – I’m totally with you about the “blue balls”. I have also found it to be based entirely around the need for relief rather than any kind of physiological factors. Over the years I have been living with a far greater tenderness of myself, resulting in a much more intimate relationship with myself. Which in turn, has meant that I haven’t been craving intimacy from my partner, I haven’t needed that relief, I haven’t craved that missing connection because I have been living it so much more with myself…and so, I haven’t had “blue balls” for years.

  54. Thank you Kim, so awesome to hear you express this, I would love to see your article in mainstream media to help bust the myths some of us have.

  55. I love what you share here. Love isn’t about being dependable, but to be all of who we are with the other person and seeing all that they are in equality. It is indeed a hurt for both sides when we choose to be who we think others want us to be – it is dishonouring of ourself and in turn the other.

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