by Toni Steenson, Coraki, Australia
As I was growing up I could see and hear the many reasons why adults got into relationships; namely so they could prove to everyone they were worthwhile, and simply because another (their partner) made them happy, looked after them, supported them, completed them, fulfilled them… the list went on.
As a teenager I found it even crazier that when my friends would like a boy, they would work out how to make the boy like them. There were even articles in Dolly (a magazine for young girls) with titles like, ‘How to make that boy fall madly in love with you’ and ‘A love potion that will change his mind’. These seemed totally ridiculous to me: all I could think was “why would you want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with you?”
I also watched most of my friends go out with boys/men depending on their looks: this too did not make sense, as a lot of these so-called good looking boys/men saw their looks as their ticket to treat their girlfriend however they wanted. Why would you want that?
So from a very young age all the way through to adulthood, partnerships and relationships did not make sense to me… but eventually I fell for wanting someone to complete/fulfil me. The only reason I can see now that I chose this, was because I felt lonely and empty and so I looked to another to fill the empty gap up for me. I definitely wasn’t aware that I could do this for myself, let alone how I could do this for myself. So as you might guess, it was a very rocky relationship.
Now, when reflecting back, I can see the relationship started out in an untenable manner and ended in the same way. I can see it had no real chance of surviving the test of time, as I’d gone into it expecting it to be the answer to my emptiness. Now, from my observation of life and relationships, I can see that no matter how much effort one puts into fulfilling another, it only leads to that person becoming dissatisfied and wanting even more from their partner… and so begins the very vicious cycle of trying to please another, or be pleased by another.
Is it possible that there could be another way of being in relationship? And could this other way possibly be that by forming a strong relationship with ourselves first, we become complete in ourselves before we enter into a relationship with another, with no expectation that the other fulfil us? That this could then be a union, a joining of two people – who are in celebration and relationship with themselves first – who then join in union to share themselves, rather than waiting for another to bring it all to them?
In the relationship I am in now, this is what we are joyfully building. We started off wanting each other to fulfil the other; but then, through presentations delivered by Serge Benhayon, we were inspired to try another way. So when I am feeling down, rather than getting angry and upset at my partner, I now look at how I have been living most recently. In other words, I take responsibility for how I feel, rather than fobbing my feelings off on to my partner.
Now we give each other the space to be wherever we are at, without needing the other to be a certain way just to please us. Rather, we now offer each other support when the other is finding something challenging; we offer each other a building platform to work from, rather than an underhanded competitiveness.
Our relationship stands out when we are at family get-togethers, because what we are building now is so lovely, supportive, true and sincere – without the huge doses of neediness, expectation and dissatisfaction that were once the foundation of our relationship – that our family members can feel the difference.
Now, when something is not right, we are learning to look to ourselves first, rather than look to each other to blame. We are also learning to be very honest when communicating with each other. This open way of communicating has offered us so much more room for a truer understanding and appreciation of each other, rather than our old method of not saying anything for fear of hurting each other’s feelings; this only supported us to stay in our locked-in and destructive ways, with no room for change. And change was definitely needed.
As a young child, I can remember all I ever wanted was love – and now I know it is as simple as loving myself first. If I care for and deeply nurture myself first, love is the natural outcome.
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
When we seek a relationship from emptiness we will seek someone who will fill our emptiness for us, and similarly the other person often seeks to have their empty spots filled by someone else. It then becomes a convenient exercise of fulfilling each others needs. And this is something I too did in my relationships and through a deeper part of me knew there had to be more to relationships, because all I ever saw was the same shallowness and need in others, I simply resigned to the fact that this was it. And then, like Toni, I too discovered through the presentations by Serge Benhayon that there is so much more, as I always had known and yet could not tangibly grasp it in my life. And so began the process of learning and re-discovery of myself and my relationships are still transforming as a result.
Classically relationships are seen as two halves coming together to form a whole, but as Toni presents, what if in a couple we were two wholes that came together – how much more amazing would that be, how much more powerful would that be?
Toni, your sharing is very refreshing – and the last sentence totally sums it all up: “As a young child, I can remember all I ever wanted was love – and now I know it is as simple as loving myself first. If I care for and deeply nurture myself first, love is the natural outcome.”
I can relate very much of what you shared Toni. Finding the ‘one’ to fullfill me was a journey of desperation that never ever left me feeling complete and really happy. Instead of that, there was always a part of me that felt empty and quite frustrated. This brings me to look at the big amount of films, songs and books that are a huge influence in our society because the message they are sending about that love is something you find hopefully some day and get from outside, which is a complete lie. More sharings like yours are very needed because deconstruct the false idea of what is love and brings back its true meaning. Thank you
Building a loving relationship with ourselves feels a great start to be really joyful and content in whatever relationship we are in.
The simplicity of this is astounding Inma and I love the fact that it must start with ourselves before it can be with anyone else – for this is the real test: Can you love yourself to the bone? God does.
“Why would you want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with you?” – because we need to prove that we are not worth loving and justify the lack of self-worth.
Inspiring, when projection is ended love and understanding is instantly there.
Love is the natural outcome, of course! Because we are that love first, even before we were born. There is only one way – love.
When open and transparent in the most decent and respect-full ways then all relationships will deepen as we share and relate on many levels.
The most important relationship I am still developing is the relationship with me and by doing that also my relationship with God and the universe. It is so quick to make the relationship with another more important than our own relationship with evolution.
Monika this is a great reminder that when we develop a relationship with self, it is all about our sacred relationship with God – for it is a religious experience. Religion is about relationships, and as we come from God, how can we imagine a relationship with anyone that does not have a divine origin and connection.
One of the big learnings in my last relationship was that I sometimes didn’t want to stop and feel what was going on inside me, but would choose something to focus on with the other and ending up with a double feeling that I didn’t like. Whenever I start focussing on the other there is something to look at within me.
The problem of relationships is that we are often not honest enough to see what is our first relationship, the one we really cherish. Sometimes, this relationship has nothing to do with the person that may be besides you, especially in the cases of emptiness and lack of self-worth.
Entering in to a relationship with no expectations can be a bit scary, because there is no road map for this. We have all the planned, tried and tested ways of being in relationships with eachother all laid out for us through images and knowledge about what to expect. There is by contrast very little by way of popular culture on how to be yourself with yourself first and to be in a relationship with another second.
Absolute honesty has been my true saviour in relationships. If we are not honouring how we are feeling first and foremost how can we honour another?
When we fill our life with emptiness, we have to keep going to feed it. Part of what emptiness likes for lunch are relationships where we can momentarily feel that we are no longer empty. So, these relationships are possible only because we have said yes to emptiness as my primary relationship.
Beautiful blog Toni, loving ourselves first gives us a great platform for any relationship, and when we know and trust what we feel, we don’t need anything from another, and it becomes a sharing of experiences and support, which grows into the most remarkable of relationships.
The difference is palpable with what you shared between needing someone and sharing and supporting with someone. This has been a great gift to read today as I have been not appreciating those around me hence not appreciating myself first, and then focusing on everything that is small and insignificant.
When we start a relationship with dodgy intentions its foundations and subsequent development could well also be dodgy too unless we actually correct the way we are building that relationship.
It is very lovely to feel the difference in this relationship from neediness to a solid foundation of support. Could this be the answer to many of the horrors that relationships can become?
Blaming another is a great excuse for never having to look at oneself and how one is moving through life. Instead if we are able to self-examine when we reach the point of conflict or tension in a relationship we are then able to learn and grow from the reflection the other is showing us.
We always are always looking for excuses when we are not connected to our essence.
If we care for and nurture ourselves first, then all else is taken care of .. for we set the standards in how we are with others in how we are with ourselves.
I love that word and principle, Monica, standards. They are indeed the foundation on which we can build a relationship. And if you drop them because you are in a relationship or want to stay in a relationship you give up on love.
It’s interesting how those girls’/women’s magazines always seem to set off with an idea that there is something about us that needs to be improved, that we need to make ourselves loveable somehow.
This so very beautifully expresses my own journey with relationships to the place where now, I am married to a wonderful woman and together, we understand our own responsibility to love ourselves and be love first in our relationship and in all relationships. It is an amazing way to live and so very different…opposite perhaps – to the way our past relationships were conducted. Simple as you say Toni, but often the wisest things are.
Thank you Toni, I remember as a child growing up all the married women complaining bitterly about their husbands, and I understand now it’s the set up that a relationship should fill the void we feel in ourselves that can only actually be filled with who we are. And, the path to that is “If I care for and deeply nurture myself first, love is the natural outcome.” It’s certainly a different way to look at relationships but as you have shown it works. I also feel so much more appreciation and love for my partner by living those qualities for myself first.
This sentence says it all . . . “As a young child, I can remember all I ever wanted was love – and now I know it is as simple as loving myself first.” . . . as you say it is as simple as this and yet this is what we miss and this . . .”If I care for and deeply nurture myself first, love is the natural outcome.” . . . so what is stopping us?
Not saying anything for fear of hurting another’s feelings is something most of us use at some time in our lives or quite often. It’s funny when you dissect it and look at this belief in another way, like what are we really hurting when we speak the truth to someone? Are we hurting their essence? Or are we hurting the facade that they are living behind and have built? It’s amazing how the footings of so many beliefs and ideals can be dislodged when we step back and look at them honestly.
When you are expecting another to fill your gap and they are expecting you to fill theirs then the gap keeps on widening. When you both appreciate all the love that you already are the love keeps deepening.
Communication is the absolute bedrock of relationships, including the one we have with ourselves. If we’re not willing to be honest with ourselves about what’s going on, then we’re not going to have that honesty on a wider, grander scale, with others. If there’s no communication, things remain stuck: there’s no evolution without honesty and communication.
Honest communication and being responsible is vital in any relationship, it is not about blaming another if we feel down, or wanting them to fix us, it is about, ‘when I am feeling down, rather than getting angry and upset at my partner, I now look at how I have been living most recently. In other words, I take responsibility for how I feel, rather than fobbing my feelings off on to my partner.’
It is amazing and inspiring to observe couples being together with love, honouring, equality and intimacy.
Seeking love on the outside from a base of neediness is not the foundation for a successful relationship, loving self first is vital in so many ways, ‘Is it possible that there could be another way of being in relationship? And could this other way possibly be that by forming a strong relationship with ourselves first, we become complete in ourselves before we enter into a relationship with another, with no expectation that the other fulfil us?’ Absolutely.
Just imagine – being able to put an end to all that searching for and agonising over love because it is found within, first and foremost; how simple and clear is that? And the daisies won’t have to have their petals pulled off either!
Without communication there’s no evolution. Communication is fundamental in all relationships but it is communication from the body that is sorely lacking. By connecting to the body we speak and communicate what is true. Pleasing and placing others before us is a common behaviour we take on that can go on unnoticed but it is learning to catch those moments when we fall into the trap and lose ourselves to another. Catching those moments offer us another choice – to truly love by staying with ourself.
True relationships such as your Toni are a beautiful reflection for others to be inspired by as they can feel the pull that there is a greater version of love that too many hold back from.
Being full and open and beautiful in yourself is the most precious contribution to any relationship.
Agreed, relationships have to come under our roof first.
There is such a richness of love to be lived, if we are so willing to ‘go there’, take responsibility for our own part and realise that every relationship in our lives has just so much to offer us by way of learning, and indeed evolving back to the love from which we all come.
Everyone we meet is a chance to deepen our relationship with Love.
Beautifully shared Toni. We needn’t be perfect in any relationship, yet our willingness to honestly look at ourselves and bring a deeper wisdom and true loving care to each other is what defines a relationship committed to truth. We have been so bombarded with ideals of what a relationship ‘should be’, fuelling the loading of our own unhealed aspects that may want to be ‘completed’ by another as you’ve shared Toni – that every step we take back to honesty and the realisation of any needs and demands we place upon each other, is to be deeply celebrated.
I would far rather be in a relationship founded upon this, than eek out a life of pretence and dull acceptance of compromise and losing oneself to another, that so often is the case in our societies today.
Thank you Toni for the reminder that being honest about what we are feeling, rather than reacting and blaming is what takes the spin and need out of ourselves and then it’s not in our relationships.
I recognize this very much – living from an emptiness and trying someone to fill it.. Recently I have discovered a huge distress this is in our bodies and by virtue of choosing to live from this need (emptiness) there is no love for self or confirmed truth (value within of worth). So it is so important that admit all our hurts and emptinesses so we can honestly look at them and make change of how to fill it up with something else – ourselves, our true selves (and the full acceptance of that). All beauty included.
And when we are honest with ourselves and then share that with our partners and others we have been using and asking to fill us up, then this is a confirmation for them of what they have maybe felt by being used in this way and an opportunity to see their investment also.
This is a really common sense article. We are all looking for love, yet if we don’t have a relationship with loving ourselves our barometer for what we look for from, and even expect, from another is completely out. I know that my relationship with my husband has changed so much since I have taken responsibility for loving myself first.
“Now, when something is not right, we are learning to look to ourselves first, rather than look to each other to blame.”
This is huge, as it is so common to point the finger at someone to blame, however as you share for a sound relationship this is something we truly need to learn. But without a solid foundation of self-love this practice will be difficult as we won’t be able to accept ourselves when we made a mistake, but without this acceptance and the openness to make mistakes, how will we learn?
It is beautiful that you can offer each other the space to be wherever you are at and yet offer support when needed. Along with love, allowing someone to be in their own process without imposing what you feel is needed is a gorgeous foundation to a relationship.
Yes Samantha that is the most loving thing we can do. Offer space to let people be and enfold exactly in the way they are.
Toni I really enjoy your honesty and candid expression. I can relate to believing that a partner is there to fill the missing pieces within me, as if we ourselves are not whole without them. This is a great line about relationships: ” a joining of two people – who are in celebration and relationship with themselves first – who then join in union to share themselves, rather than waiting for another to bring it all to them”. There can be so many expectations and needs in relationships, but I prefer what you have written here, that it’s about us being in celebration and relationship to ourselves first, and in this self nurturing love, we bring our whole and full self to our partner and all other relationships. The pivotal point here is how we relate to ourselves affects all of our relationships – if we believe we are empty and the other is responsible for how we feel in some way that is what we take into our relationships. If we connect to ourselves and nurture the fullness already within then that too is what we take to others. It’s so vital to sort out our relationship to ourselves first.
I love this blog and it describes my own experiences perfectly. I have come to realise that whatever we seek in another we do so because we feel it is lacking in ourselves. But, the act of seeking it really just confirms the feelings of lack. So, it is a vicious circle indeed. Real change in relationships comes when we know that love comes from within us and we are here to be love not find it ‘out there’ somewhere and as Toni shares here – this forms an entirely new foundation for relationships – where we can be together and allow the other to be themselves too. Understanding this has worked wonders in my life and my relationships. Thank you Toni for sharing your experience so very clearly here.
Loving ourselves is the honesty and support needed to build a beautiful foundation for life and one that allows us the space to support others from this quality too. A very beautiful blog thank you Toni.
Loved reading your article Toni and feeling what a loving and expansive connection you and your partner have, how you have taken on the responsibility for your actions and now come first from loving yourself.
Toni I love this sentences: “And could this other way possibly be that by forming a strong relationship with ourselves first, we become complete in ourselves before we enter into a relationship with another, with no expectation that the other fulfil us?” That is really an other way to look at a relationship and I am wondering why this is not the normal way to live them in our society in every second.
Great point Ester and considering this shows us how far we have moved away from building solid and loving relationships in our lives, which explains why there is so much fighting going on within families, businesses and between countries.
“love is the natural outcome” it is also the natural income when we have a loving relationship with ourselves that we can then share in all our relationships.
Hi Toni
Thank you for the beautiful and honest sharing, very relevant for me at the moment…
“Is it possible that there could be another way of being in relationship? And could this other way possibly be that by forming a strong relationship with ourselves first, we become complete in ourselves before we enter into a relationship with another, with no expectation that the other fulfil us? That this could then be a union, a joining of two people – who are in celebration and relationship with themselves first – who then join in union to share themselves, rather than waiting for another to bring it all to them?” You nailed it Toni. Although I was aware of this being so, it was only when I came to Universal Medicine that I was presented with a way to do this – to love and care for myself first – which of course affects all the relationships that I have.
Loved hearing about you experiencing your first impressions of relationships. As children we have a clear ability to know what is true or not the trick is to continue this discernment into adulthood.
It is so true, as I have really learned lately. No one can fulfill me, it is super important to build a basis of love for myself first, which is great to work on and which will be a continuous development of love. That will bring me in full into a relationship when it presents itself.
I agree Toni the greatest relationship we will ever have is with self first, taking this level of self responsibility leads to deeper and more beautiful connections with others.
Hi Toni,
I have recently separated, within the relationship we both struggled to make those changes of which you speak of making within your relationship..I am now single and can feel the grace-Full Opportunity this provides for me to, as you say, form a strong relationship with self first. I appreciate your sharing xX
“Now, when something is not right, we are learning to look to ourselves first”. The ability to truthfully and honestly look at myself and observe my reactions rather than get angry when things to do not work out is one of the many gifts Universal Medicine has given me.
With love like with everything else in life we will only find what we know. What we know not by our minds but by having lifted for ourselves.
I love how you weave the process of learning to love yourself into your current relationship, Toni. No rigidity here that you have to learn this first and then can find a partner – you can support each other in the process, evolve yourself and your partner and partnership at the same time.
Its great to read again that love for self is the best foundation for a relationship, I can feel how I have always sought something outside of me, what someone else should give me. But now I can feel how I fall for this again sometimes, but with the self connection I have right now I can be honest and truly feel that that is not it, everything is already there.
Toni what a gorgeous, inspiring blog. If we all knew what you have put into practice, wouldn’t the World be a wonderful place to be. Taking responsibility for completely Loving ourselves first and only then another, makes a lot of sense and it must be so freeing to be with someone who lives the same way!
We are simply irresistible to our partner when we are living in deep connection with ourselves. Like magic, the neediness goes away and the capacity to share love together in all the everyday moments opens up.
As a teenager I wanted someone to like me so that I would know that I was okay and likable – I had lost my sense of self-worth that I naturally had as a child, and was looking for it outside of myself. Through the teachings of Serge Benhayon I have come to understand that all relationships start with ourselves, with self-love. This then forms a solid foundation, rather than a need for someone else to love us or complete us.
I find it totally awesome that instead of reacting, I now have the steadiness to look to myself at what is coming up to express or let go of and how I need to take care of myself to do this. The love and expression of it starts to flow naturally and build through taking care of each other in this way.
Awesome blog Toni, I get more from it each time I read it, I found the most practical part that we can all apply to our relationships was:
‘Now we give each other the space to be wherever we are at, without needing the other to be a certain way just to please us. Rather, we now offer each other support when the other is finding something challenging; we offer each other a building platform to work from, rather than an underhanded competitiveness.’
How true it is that we often have underhanded competitiveness in our relationships, even when we are apparently ‘helping the other’, to get out of a negative mood etc.
Beautiful words and so true Toni, it takes so much pressure and blame out of a relationship, when we take responsibility, committing to loving and taking care of ourselves and our hurts, and not putting our hurts on the other.
Thank you, Toni, for this beautiful article. As you say, it is as simple as loving ourselves first – yet this simple truth is kept away from us in our society. In fact, the opposite was taught where I grew up – putting the others’ needs first was a virtue; being confident was regarded as big-headed or narcissism; speaking up your truth was not always welcome; loving myself? – never heard of that. Now I see how all these beliefs set us up for seeking a co-dependent relationship where we forever look for external validation as a token of love.
If Mr Right, my family and friends could please get it together and love me in the way I deserve then loving me will be easy because I’ll finally feel worthy!
This has been the mentality with which I’ve experienced many unsuccessful relationships.
“Looking to myself first instead of others to blame.”
This is the level of responsibility I now accept as I choose to commit to self-care, self-respect and self-love.
Thanks Toni, the simplicity of your blog has spoken volumes.
There are so many ideals and beliefs on love and relationship. We all know they are not true. But how honest can we be with ourselves? Love within an ideal has never allowed us to truly experience Love–at most we are only living a watered down version of it.
Thank you for sharing Toni. I now understand, the love that we sometimes wish to live with another we cannot live if we first do not love ourselves the same because there is hurt there if there is not love and sometimes we let the hurt takes precedence over the love deep within.
Beautiful blog Toni, very true and very inspiring.
Thank you Toni for a really beautiful blog. Looking back on my past life I realise it was looking outside of myself to be loved, and in my neediness, wanting the other person to fix me, and this created most of the problems in my relationships. Thanks to the teachings of Universal Medicine I now am able to take responsibility for my life and with that the freedom I am able to have a truly loving relationship.
The wisdom of a small child – it’s simple really. Thanks Toni, for reminding me of all that we already know as a young child and the power of what we are challenged with everyday to take us out of that. Re-Learning how to truly love and support myself and living that everyday has changed my world and my relationships. Some have dropped away and others now have an honesty and connection that supports the ‘Foundation’ you refer to. You have highlighted the importance of continually holding this way in every moment of every day and working with others who are living their light too.
Really inspiring to feel how by connecting to loving yourself first and taking responsibility for your feelings and choices, that you are now building a new way forward in your relationship. Thanks for sharing what you have been learning Toni, I feel so many, including myself will benefit from your shared wisdom.
Very beautiful reflection, Toni*.
It’s true: what we felt was missing as kids, when we were searching for love, was the fact that we had stopped feeling the love that WE are. Maybe because the way we wanted to connect with the others wasn’t fed back to us. So we started to behave like the others and missed out the most important thing: the fact that we are the beautiful love we are seeking. We had just let go of it. And to return sometimes feels hard to me because it has to be felt first that I had made a choice to separate from me and therefore from love that I am.
This is an awesome piece you wrote and shared here- very inspiring and so spot on. To really change patterns, for example, like blaming the other if you feel bad, is sometimes not easy, because it feels so convenient to not look at oneself. It is great to read, how “simple” choices really changed your relationship- I am learning a lot as well in this area at the moment and it is lovely to get such an inspiring read.
Beautiful Toni. I can so relate to your whole blog and your line: “So when I am feeling down, rather than getting angry and upset at my partner, I now look at how I have been living most recently. In other words, I take responsibility for how I feel, rather than fobbing my feelings off on to my partner.” is something I am learning at the moment myself too. My partner can never make me feel good if I do feel good about myself first. Looking inside and supporting myself lovingly first is the foundation on which true relationships are built is my current experience.
Your article was a pleasure to read and your relationship and what you have presented here is truly inspiring.
Thank you Toni – I really appreciate the honesty and insight you have expressed here. When I read “Rather, we now offer each other support when the other is finding something challenging; we offer each other a building platform to work from, rather than an underhanded competitiveness.” I realised that there is an underhanded competitiveness in many of my relationships with friends and family. You have inspired me to look at this and start turning things around to allow a true platform of support to develop.
Thank you for sharing so beautifully your experience of how there is another way to be in relationships. That building a relationship of Love within yourself through taking responsibility for how we feel is the first step to building relationships with others. We are lead to believe from a very young age that the person you are in a relationship with is someone that can ‘provide’ something for you. That the reason you love them is because of the love they ‘give’ you or ‘make’ you feel, the things they do for you and that they make you feel something inside. A sensation that hooks you to believe that this person is the only one that can make you feel this way. And when this sensation changes we blame the other for ‘taking’ it away or for it not being sustained. The pressure and expectation of this way is enormous and exhausting. I have experienced this. And I can also attest that there is another way as you have shared Toni. I too have been inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine to develop my Love within, a love that I had felt but had overridden for too long. I have also discovered that as you say – ‘If I care for and deeply nurture myself first, love is the natural outcome.’ And have experienced how sharing this love is ‘a union, a joining of two people – who are in celebration and relationship with themselves first – who then join in union to share themselves, rather than waiting for another to bring it all to them?’
I can really relate to your experience growing up that “relationships did not make sense to me… but eventually I fell for wanting someone to complete/fulfil me” which did not work out well for me either and I have been single for many years. As I have built a stronger relationship with myself it has impacted on all my relationships and my communication is now much clearer because increasingly I don’t need the other person to be anything other than themselves.
Powerful words Toni… and I know that I have used my relationship as a tool to complete me. It’s interesting though that in my experience it has never been possible to completely fulfil another (I can keep trying, but ultimately it is outside of my control), and the same can be said the other way round. I’ve learnt through Universal Medicine that the only way is for me to fulfil myself, and then when that is presented to my partner (or the world) it is then that the magic happens!
Beautiful blog, and really beautiful realizations. I’ve been there myself, where I’ve wanted someone else to fulfill me. It’s always been an illusion. The key is that it always starts within ourselves. Thank you for the reminder, Toni, and the inspiration to: “Now we give each other the space to be wherever we are at, without needing the other to be a certain way just to please us”. Harmonious.
“As a young child, I can remember all I ever wanted was love – and now I know it is as simple as loving myself first. If I care for and deeply nurture myself first, love is the natural outcome.” I know I felt life like this as a child and I know I carried what became a need with me into adult hood to be acknowledged for who I am. The relationship that I am in now has been through many major shifts and reducing my need for acknowledgment has been a huge one, I am learning to love and care for myself and I can see that I bring so much more to the relationship from this foundation.
Toni – timely that this beautiful blog popped up for me to read, consider, ponder on… I just realized that after having been in a relationship based on needs and being left broken hearted, that I kept myself out of relationships in the fear of hurt and also with a sense of fear of losing myself again. But over the graceful years of building my relationship with myself and others around I now can feel that I have built a new platform from which to enter a new one from which we can learn, discard, expand and deepen along the way with each other.
I feel how blogs like this are very supportive on our way to live more Love in our lives. Thank you Toni
I can completely relate to this blog in the sense that the world did not and still does not make sense. The world says that we have to go outside of ourselves to achieve a state of fulfilment. But if this were true why do we have to constantly chase it when our relationship with ourselves is a constant, ever present situation? Outside relationships change and people may leave us/we leave them but our inside relationship only builds and grows while still remaining. Thank you for the reminder that if I fulfil myself I have no neediness or expectations towards another to bring to me what I can bring to and for myself.
Thank you for making love so simple. I really agree with what you have presented, changing your relationship with yourself to one of deep care and nurturing radically changes your relationships with other people: it is one billion percent worth it.
Beautiful Toni. How simple in that you knew so strongly as a child that it was all about love and now thanks to Universal Medicine you and others have learnt that that love starts with ourselves first.
Thank you so much Toni.
My previous relationships were based on the emotional entanglement of neediness and expectations. I had an idea of what a ‘good’ relationship was meant to look like and when that wasn’t filling the emptiness I would get frustrated with the other person as if it was their fault. How wrong I was. It took Universal Medicine to awaken what I now feel to be a true relationship with me and the love I have for myself. Then sharing that with everyone.
Hi Toni, Wow imagine if we got taught how to love ourselves first… during school! My experience of school was that the more I didn’t care – the “cooler” I became. What you have written suggests the complete opposite of this.
Thank you.
Thank you very much Toni. I can relate to what you have shared so honestly. My partner is not involved in the work of Universal Medicine but as I open up and learn to love and nurture myself our relationship grows naturally. How awesome is that!?
Hi Toni, I read your blog very focussed. I can feel that I truly want a relationship like this and that I’m not there (yet). So it inspires and brings sadness up for me. When I feel deeper it’s almost that I’ve given up on this. Hmm, it’s a hidden ‘trick of the spirit’ I can feel now. Because I put a demand on the relationship to bring me me. Wow. And by feeling that there’s a lot of hardness in my face. Thank you Toni.
I love the simplicity of the message you’ve presented here, Toni. It seems like that straight forward , simple approach of taking responsibility and starting with self loving choices is the one that is resisted the most, as we are taught in so many ways in our culture that “if it’s worth having, it must be a difficult path to acquire it”, which is really unfounded and not the case at all. Thank you for also providing the reminder to allow our partners the space they need, and support, when they are dealing with a challenging issue.
Yes, it is this looking for love on the outside which is the main ‘killer’ in relationships. When, like you Toni, we turn to ourselves and redevelop love relationship with self that in turn has a profound effect on our relationships with others including romantic relationships.
A great article Toni with a very simple message. The concept of loving oneself first is revolutionary in today’s relationships, yet if this was our normal way of being, we would see many of society’s problems plummet.
You mentioned that others noticed as you and your partner embraced the responsibility to work on the most important relationship – the one with yourself. That is a huge lesson for us.
How lovely to read of how one grows a relationship, Toni.
‘We give each other the space to be wherever we are at, without needing the other to be a certain way just to please us. Rather, we now offer each other support when the other is finding something challenging; we offer each other a building platform to work from, rather than an underhanded competitiveness.’
It seems all of our relationships have these delightful possibilities, when one sees and accepts the responsibility of what they bring to the mix.
Your words resonate with the wisdom of experience Toni and are extremely inspiring. Self responsibility is the key, with honesty the basis of our development towards truth and the harmony we so desire. This post has the potential to help so many understand what has gone wrong in their relationship and how to turn it around. Truly inspiring …. thank you.
What a beautiful reflection for your family members and all others who witness the love that you and your parter are allowing to be there. I can relate to what your are saying regarding relationships ( In the past I have had some very needy and messy ones)and now…I can say without a doubt that being in a relationship that is not based on the true respect of love…is simply not worth it- not worth compromising myself or my love over.