I Dared To Be Open And Choose To Be Me

by Caroline Reineke, The Netherlands

When I look back at my life, I see myself as a ‘human doing’ – quick whether in thought, speech or action. I was often rushing, as if I was running through (or away) from life, for whatever reason. In a way, I wanted to be in control. Truly feeling myself or having genuine contact with my body was under-developed territory for me. From an early age I had taught myself to be tough, to not show my vulnerability to anybody. It was just too scary for me, as I was afraid to be exposed – that I was not so tough, but just a girl with feelings as well, and I could feel hurt too. This control or ‘doing-ness’ was, in a way, my shield of protection. It took me a while to realise that this doing-ness was keeping me away from me: this was a painful realisation some years ago. Who am I, if I am not this shield, I wondered?

Since I started to attend the workshops of Serge Benhayon two years ago, I got a glimpse of the feelings and words I had been wondering about. It’s not about doing – what I do or need to do, like being quick in my responses or actions; it’s about who I am, just being me. It sounds so simple, but it was a turn-around for me. I learnt to turn to and connect gently with my body and my breath and just feel. Gradually, I became aware of the fact that ‘I am enough’, and learnt to embrace that. Just being still with me, feeling what there is to feel. That’s enough. Wow!

I can now enjoy myself more. I still experience the doing-ness and the need to control, and can feel when it ‘takes over’. As I am more connected to my body, I can see I have a choice. And this brings me to another big insight: the power of choice. Every day – actually every moment – I can choose; is this (thought, word, action) harming or healing for me/my body? So when I speed up or start to speak quickly and feel I am losing myself, I can feel it’s harming: it just requires a ‘stop it and feel’. But also when I realise, e.g. my body feels stressed, I can choose instantly: what is supportive for me now?

I have taken more responsibility for my body and my choices, including habits and patterns like the doing-ness. I have become more observing and accepting of myself, which is a whole new way from what I used to… do! And last but not least, I am showing more of me now, expressing my feelings, showing my vulnerability in moments. At times I even share with others what I feel, when I don’t know why these feelings are there. I just dare to be open… just being me at that moment. It all adds up to: there is more of ME in each of my relationships now. And as we are all ‘forever students’, it even becomes fun to see what each day brings to be with.

125 thoughts on “I Dared To Be Open And Choose To Be Me

  1. I remember the feeling I use to get no matter what I did or what I achieved. It was like you were ok while you were doing it but the moment it finished or you stopped there was this uncomfortable feeling that left you wondering about the world. I had no real understanding of what that feeling was but I knew it appeared not to exist when you were on the run or doing things and so you would just keep doing things. Then was the realisation that you couldn’t do this forever and so what was going on. The more questions I openly asked the more simpler things become, life is about a quality and not an achievement and so with respect you can do anything you choose if your dedication comes home to quality. I am sure we all remember the “quality not quantity” line and here is possibly where it rings truest.

  2. There is always so much to be done, but the quality with which we do that doing is all important. That quality is developed through stillness within as a daily development.

  3. Thank you Caroline, I can relate to being busy intentionally to avoid what I feel, but as we make it about the being and reacquaint ourselves with all we are life can become very rich, and the quality of who we are in all we do becomes what’s important. Learning to let ourselves feel what hurts us and all we are aware of is a big part of returning to living from our being, because that can be what we are running from in the “doing”. As we return to being, simply being ourselves, there can be many beautiful moments in life just like this one “Just being still with me, feeling what there is to feeL”

  4. When we are identified with what we are doing or the doingness we don´t yet know who we are just being; it even can appear to be strange and uncomfortable although it is so much easier and natural. This is very revealing of how we as a society work or function and hence raise our children.

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