by Caroline Reineke, The Netherlands
When I look back at my life, I see myself as a ‘human doing’ – quick whether in thought, speech or action. I was often rushing, as if I was running through (or away) from life, for whatever reason. In a way, I wanted to be in control. Truly feeling myself or having genuine contact with my body was under-developed territory for me. From an early age I had taught myself to be tough, to not show my vulnerability to anybody. It was just too scary for me, as I was afraid to be exposed – that I was not so tough, but just a girl with feelings as well, and I could feel hurt too. This control or ‘doing-ness’ was, in a way, my shield of protection. It took me a while to realise that this doing-ness was keeping me away from me: this was a painful realisation some years ago. Who am I, if I am not this shield, I wondered?
Since I started to attend the workshops of Serge Benhayon two years ago, I got a glimpse of the feelings and words I had been wondering about. It’s not about doing – what I do or need to do, like being quick in my responses or actions; it’s about who I am, just being me. It sounds so simple, but it was a turn-around for me. I learnt to turn to and connect gently with my body and my breath and just feel. Gradually, I became aware of the fact that ‘I am enough’, and learnt to embrace that. Just being still with me, feeling what there is to feel. That’s enough. Wow!
I can now enjoy myself more. I still experience the doing-ness and the need to control, and can feel when it ‘takes over’. As I am more connected to my body, I can see I have a choice. And this brings me to another big insight: the power of choice. Every day – actually every moment – I can choose; is this (thought, word, action) harming or healing for me/my body? So when I speed up or start to speak quickly and feel I am losing myself, I can feel it’s harming: it just requires a ‘stop it and feel’. But also when I realise, e.g. my body feels stressed, I can choose instantly: what is supportive for me now?
I have taken more responsibility for my body and my choices, including habits and patterns like the doing-ness. I have become more observing and accepting of myself, which is a whole new way from what I used to… do! And last but not least, I am showing more of me now, expressing my feelings, showing my vulnerability in moments. At times I even share with others what I feel, when I don’t know why these feelings are there. I just dare to be open… just being me at that moment. It all adds up to: there is more of ME in each of my relationships now. And as we are all ‘forever students’, it even becomes fun to see what each day brings to be with.