by Anne McRitchie, Chilcotts Grass, NSW, Australia
It may be the hottest book around, but I have no intention of reading Fifty Shades of Grey! Not because I am turning 70 next year and therefore am past being ‘interested in sex’, but because in the last few years I have come to know the difference between ‘having sex’ and ‘making love’, and believe as an older woman, it does not involve handcuffs, the Karma Sutra or even any Tantric teaching.
I was in my teens in an era where often the only thing a young girl was told about sex was “You have to wait until you are married”. This was heavily instilled in me and I adhered to it until I reached 24; I found myself in London at the time when the Beatles and Carnaby Street ruled, and with no prospect of getting married. So when I had an opportunity to find out what I had been missing, I took it, even though there was no love involved, just a mutually convenient friendship. I did not understand what the big deal was, but at least I was held and touched by someone. Plus he was Indian, which somehow in London in the 1960s made it seem somewhat exotic!
From then on I made up for lost time. On one occasion after attending a nightclub opening in London, my beautiful female room mate (who had her pick of men at the time!) suddenly kissed me when we were alone. We went to bed and hugged and caressed each other, but passed out before anything intimate happened. Next morning I left for an assignment in Italy so we did not see each other again. That was my one and only near-sexual encounter with a woman.
I did live in a monogamous relationship with a partner for some eight years during my thirties: that finally ended when he came home drunk on my 40th birthday, so instead of the planned dinner celebration, I spent the evening alone, eating dry biscuits and cheese while he was passed out in the upstairs bedroom.
Several times during my life I have stopped to wonder what I was searching for! Yes, sex was usually fulfilling on a physical level – but why did I still feel so empty afterwards? I always felt that something was missing; that there had to be something more no one was telling me about!
When my now husband and I met, more than twenty years ago, we were older but no wiser, and in the beginning our relationship was often emotional and very needy on both sides. We knew that there was something more to life, but we had yet to discover it. In 2004 we decided to marry –me at sixty-one, and my husband at fifty-one. Neither of us had been married before, so we were not used to living closely with another, we were fiercely independent, and we both carried strong emotional scars from the experiences of our lives. Needless to say it was an emotionally charged partnership.
Looking back, what held it together was an almost unconscious feeling we both had that there was some inner-beauty deep within the other person that we could occasionally feel, even though they did not allow that to be expressed. In both cases that ‘inner-beauty’ was buried behind our ‘emptiness’ and the hurts we carried. Despite the constant turmoil in our lives, at the time we still called what we had ‘Love’.
Later that year we attended a Universal Medicine Heart-Chakra workshop and we knew immediately that here might possibly be the piece that had been missing. What was being said was common sense, but it had never been presented to us in such a simple way before. Here was someone saying that you cannot truly love another until you love yourself. How many of us were ever told by our parents or teachers when we were young to love ourselves? Mostly we were recognised for what we achieved – being Dux of Kindergarten (yes! I was), being the fastest runner, the best speller, etc. Always for something that we did, but never for just ‘being ourself’. Is it any wonder we spend our lives forever searching for someone to recognise us for who we are, rather than what we do?
After listening to Serge Benhayon present for several years, we both began to make different choices. We gradually discarded the emptiness and hurts and started to live in a more loving way, both with ourselves and each other. As we embodied more love, we became aware that what we had up until that time was not ‘love’, but a relationship based on filling each other’s needs… and when our needs were not met, the emotional games kicked in. At that stage we both felt emotionally debased – if what we thought was ‘love’ was not truly ‘love’, then why were we together at all?
For a couple who reaches this point there is often a choice, either to separate or to rebuild a foundation of true love. For us there was no choice, because we shared a deep connection and we wanted to be together, but the change did not happen instantly or even in the first year. It took commitment on both sides, and a mutual understanding and trust when one or the other of us chose to express from emotion… rather than from the love within.
Now, ‘making love’ is a confirmation of the way we have been together during the day. But in truth, it is how we are in every moment of the day, not what we do. It is how we smile at each other, touch each other in passing, prepare a meal together or feel the other when they are not there. Unlike ‘having sex’, there is no beginning or end to ‘making love’. It is a feeling that is forever with you, and the physical act is a glorious and joy-full confirmation of our loving connection.
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
Anne, thank you for your gorgeous sharing and I love how you have finished the blog with this amazing sentence that truly summarizes the difference between sex and love making: “Unlike ‘having sex’, there is no beginning or end to ‘making love’. It is a feeling that is forever with you, and the physical act is a glorious and joy-full confirmation of our loving connection.”
Beautiful that you had a sense of the inner beauty from early on, ‘what held it together was an almost unconscious feeling we both had that there was some inner-beauty deep within the other person that we could occasionally feel, even though they did not allow that to be expressed.’
Making love in the kitchen, the living room, the garden, the shopping mall. The emphasis should not be in the bedroom but throughout life as then love is so much bigger.
Ha Ha – love it Simon – so true, for we can try to isolate the love making to one area only when in fact we are craving to share the love we are all of the time.
How much abuse do we live with until we connect to the Love that is and always has been who we are? Could it be that our emotions even the so-called good ones are actually what is causing all of our ills?
This is what to me is so unique about Serge Benhayon that what he says makes sense to our bodies not necessarily our minds which tend to run our bodies and override any feelings we may have. How many of us have ever been told that that you cannot truly love another until you love yourself? I would guess very few, and how many of us find loving ourselves extremely difficult to do because it goes against our current way of living where achievement and security are everything.
You can’t deny the feeling of emptiness after sex. I can remember after having sex with a long term partner, crying and not knowing why. I did deep down know that this was not it, that there was something totally missing and it just felt devastating that was it. I had been developing my relationship with myself a couple of years before that and what I got to feel is that I can’t accept this level of lovelessness and abuse from him and from me. From there things started to change.
I loved reading your story Anne, you are an amazing woman so full of life and purpose. You are ever inspiring with your honesty and openness, thank you.
It is so true, there is always something missing till you build that relationship with yourself.
Emptiness is an energy that returns to itself permanently, showing us that no matter how hard you try, if this is your choice this is what you get no matter how hard you try to fill yourself up with whatever. The quality of the relationship that you establish with emptiness is what full-fills you.
I used to feel quite horrible after pretty much all of my sexual encounters. The feeling of being somewhat used, though I had given full consent to it. Regardless of whether I was in a long-term relationship or it was a friends with benefits situation, the feeling was the same. When I realised that when we don’t make love, we are simply using the other person to relieve our tensions, something clicked and I understood where that feeling came from. It is such a huge dishonouring of our bodies when we put ourselves in that situation and very sad to feel at the time – but the truth of it is that so many of us are engaging in exactly that, both men and women and I imagine that if we start to change the way we are towards ourselves, accepting this level of abuse will no longer be possible with another person.
When someone thinks that they are making something up for the lost time, it is simply reflecting that they got lost in time.
Cute Eduardo – love the depth of this simple one line.
A great sharing Anne how that at any age we can live with true love and intimacy in our relationship, it is not just in the bedroom scene but all the little loving ways we bring into our daily interaction that show and express the love we have for each other.
It is so easy to hide in the doing than openly be ourselves, when we drop the protection and become comfortable with who we are, we are able to share a true connection with another and as a deeper love for ourselves unfolds we are able to introduce more love in our lives with each move we make.
I agree Anne just because we are older does not necessarily mean we are wiser for wisdom is something that we can connect to at any age, time or place when we are open to it, you just have to listen to the pearls of wisdom that come from children to appreciate this fact.
“But in truth, it is how we are in every moment of the day, not what we do”. It is every moment that counts, every single one. At first glance it could seem quite exhausting to pay attention to every single moment, but the reality is quite different. When you realise that every moment effects the next one, and that our days is made up of trillions of moments, would it not be wise to pay attention to these moments and not just the highlights or low lights?
The feeling that there is something missing is a reality that many do not want to acknowledge as it means that everything we believe about life is false. To come to this understanding is so needed, for it is the only way to change our word. Accept what is false and live what is true.
A long road to travel with ‘love’ like many of us have had and yet can it be so simple? “Here was someone saying that you cannot truly love another until you love yourself.” So all we need do is dedicate to be all the love we naturally are and from there all else falls in line with that love and is a reflection for it’s depth, sounds like a great plan and from reading this article it obviously is the way to go or more so the way to live.
“As we embodied more love, we became aware that what we had up until that time was not ‘love’, but a relationship based on filling each other’s needs” – this is a massive realization that rocks the entire foundation upon which our relationships are built on. Like, what do we do if our relationship was not about filling each other’s need? It is very inspiring to feel your commitment and joy in choosing to rebuild a foundation based on true love.
The feeling that something is missing is common when we have sex – at least I know it is for women. But as with most things that have been reduced from their pure form, with sex/love making we are offered solutions like hand cuffs, karma sutra etc. to ‘spice things up’. This does nothing to bring the missing ingredients, which is the way we are with each other leading up to making- love.
Yes without the deeper connection and intimacy built there will always be a feeling of emptiness. This is often when the distractions or entertainment added to the mix, instead of going there with each other with a deeper level of transparency.
When I was a young man, I had a belief that it was normal to lose interest in sex when ‘more mature’. In truth I had a lot of issues around the whole topic, no doubt related to some old religious ideas about sin etc. How wrong I was. Or maybe not – because as Anne shares here, once we connect to ‘making love’ rather than having sex, the whole experience becomes ‘wholesome’ and nurturing. So maybe I have lost interest in sex, but only because I have come to understand the nature of making love instead. Once true intimacy has been experienced, sex without intimacy is exposed and feels empty. Give me ‘making love’ any day – and as a way of life, not just in the bedroom.
Thank you for your openness here Anne. I too was taught ‘no sex before marriage’. What I find interesting about this ‘rule’ is that it makes no mention of love. Love is surely a crucial factor in this. Sex without love is as you have shared here, physically fulfilling perhaps but otherwise empty. Whereas an act of true love is fulfilling on every level.
This is a deeply moving sharing Anne. I feel we can all learn so much from expressions of true love as you have shared with us here.
“It took commitment on both sides, and a mutual understanding and trust when one or the other of us chose to express from emotion… rather than from the love within.” I feel so many relationships reach this point where they are asked to take it deeper, through commitment and instead people opt for the easy way out of breaking-up. We need to have more trust in ourselves and each other.
Relationships become very beautiful when we address our hurts and reactions and our unloving choices. Simple to write, sometimes not simple to action but very joyful once we do.
To make love, we first must understand what love is. Through our connection to our essence within, we will discover that Love is not something we need to seek or attain, it is who we are and as such it is a way of being, being ourselves. And what’s more, we realise that making love is not something that is restricted to the bedroom, as making love is possible through our everyday living, whenever we bring our loving connection to all we do, and to all we meet. It is beautiful to feel the quality of making love with your partner through the way we speak to or look at each other, the way we care and be with each other through the day all of which can be confirmed and honoured when we physically join together through the act of making love.
“there is no beginning or end to ‘making love’.” A simple and profound truth.
So true, what a new concept for the world to embrace. Imagine a world that allows this to be foundation for the forward.
Awesome article Anne, thank you. It reflects a journey many of us have undertaken since learning about true love, thanks to Universal Medicine. I’m super-glad not to be living as I was – it’s far more restful for the body and being with not an ounce of abuse.
Great comment and great points Victoria. When we come to really understand and feel what true love is, we then know that anything less than feeling this love is abusive to our body and being.
When it is love that is lived and expressed, without the act of sexual intercourse, love is still living and breathing within us and it feels lovely and full. That said, the physical act of making love is deeply uniting and a beautiful reflection of deepening love.
When you have a deep connection with each other and when you are truly committed to have a loving relationship with each other, miracles can happen and then I mean true miracles. They are the confirmation that your choice for love was true and a foundation for living together, growing and evolving together.
Beautiful Anne. It changes what ‘making love’ means, and then the physical act is simply a confirmation of the way you have been living with each other. Relationships don’t look after themselves; they are definitely things we need to look after, invest in and nurture.
A great confirmation of the commitment you both have for your relationship, and yes relationships do need understanding and trust, ‘It took commitment on both sides, and a mutual understanding and trust’.
When we hear sayings such as “We can’t really love another until we love ourselves” it is not something easy to grasp especially when this is not a normal to us. But what I have found is loving ourselves or others begin with relationship. When we begin to have a relationship with ourselves, it is very difficult to not love ourselves or others based not on anything from the external, but simply emanating from relationship. So what is relationship? This is also not a familiar normal in the world, to me this exploration began simply feeling what my heart and my body tell me, saying no to anything that feels unloving.
Anne, this is exquisite reading, wise delicious words that inspire what is needed for each of us to claim in our lives a truly wise and delicious relationship.
Thank you Anne, this is very inspiring and reassuring that we can always open up to true love and explore it, that it is never too late and that nothing we have experienced is too big to stand in our way.
Reading your blog Anne I can’t help but feel how much misery we often accept in a relationship. We accept that a relationship is good when we can get along with each other and the sex is good but is this true love? As you shared in a true relationship it is about every moment being loving and building together on this as we go, making love is then equally amazing but never the end goal.
Sex that feels there is just something missing, is always a good reminder that there is something for us to look at deeper. How many of us dismiss this? How many of us then choose not to compromise the love that we know and can feel within ourselves? If love is truly love, there is never anything missing, it simply feels full. Oh what a simple reminder to ourselves.
Great sharing Adele. When sex feels like there is something missing this means there is something missing. Also when sex is the high point in the relationship there is something missing. In a truly loving relationship there is not a high point it is all equal.
Without love everything gets bastardised or polluted, including sex. Love is the intelligence that brings depth, order and beauty to life.
It was a strange and confusing moment when I realised I that didn’t need my then partner. Until that point every relationship I’d ever had had been based on need which I had equated with love. So when I didn’t feel the need to be with him, I thought perhaps it wasn’t love, but the pull to be together was stronger than any mental games I could play with myself. We have been together for six and a half years now and our relationship deepens, challenges, supports and evolves with us and if I ever find any neediness creeping in, which it does from time to time, it feels really weird and soon gets exposed.
Being in a relationship does require commitment, commitment to the other person but most of all commitment to myself no matter what is being reflected in the relationship.
It was a revelation to learn and understand that we can only make love with another if we know and are love ourselves – yet at the same time it makes perfect sense, and I realise this was known within all along just somehow obscured.
Anne your wisdom is universal for it does not matter how old you are sex is empty, but two people committed to living with love make it fresh in every moment.
A beautiful and very frank blog Anne. I have to agree about the feeling of emptiness after sex. Makes me wonder what all the fuss is about. My feeling is that we know there is more to sex than sex, but that’s where we think it lies, but really as you have shared it is in making love in all we do everyday.
The most amazing experiences I have had with men is not holding back any part of my expression, so it is complete each moment. These are the moments of love made and expressed.
It is a gorgeous confirmation of the commitment you have that at the point that many couples reach where there is a choice to separate, you both chose a foundation of true love…. and of making each moment about an expression of that no matter what you are doing.
Beautiful sharing Anne. I love the truth of your words that older does not automatically mean wiser… but then again on the flip side of that you are never too old to learn.
Anne great to read your journey in relationships, sexuality, and love, and where you are now. You have made some great distinctions about relationships based on needs and hurts, and relationships based on love, which starts with self love and dealing with past hurts. We are sold so many ideas about relationships, including that there is a special one person, that this “One” fulfils you and its with this person that you can only experience love, etc! There seems to be a lot of conditions put on experiencing love. Yet it’s all there waiting inside of us to be explored as self love, embodied and lived, and then shared with our partner. What I really enjoyed about this blog was the wisdom you shared gained over your lifetime.
To commit to a life that is full of love and integrity is a challenge it self, but to do this together as a couple contains beside the beauty of it, big changes and a big willingness to go for it. We are reflecting each other constantly where we are and this can be very uncomfortable…OR a blessing. It is on us how we take it. Society this days is lost in the idea of that something like ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ does better our life, make it more interesting and ‘successful’ in a way – but far out! WE in fact try to manage the problems in our life – like the lack of intimacy we are all suffering under more or less – with the same energy which did create them and this does not work at all. In fact it does riding us deeper into the mess. To live love, with ourselves and with others is a task for all of us to discover in human life. And to celebrate this love by ‘making love’ is a cherry on the cake – even this cake and cherry is made to have it all day, as you so beautiful describe Anne. Thank you Anne for discovering how it is to make love in a true way and so inspiring us all. The world does need it.
The more we live lovingly with ourselves and our body the more we establish a true relationship with the feeling of love. Then, our body is like a radar and anything less then the love we give ourselves is obvious and can be more easily discerned.
Anne, this is very enriching, as it allows us to feel the layers we often have put over this true potential of true love we felt. And so there is nothing wrong with any person, it is just simple: are we allowing ourselves to be tender, true and loving or are we needing ourselves and others to be anything else? This describes well the difference between love, allowance and understanding and control, emotion and needs. It is our choice what we do with it; do we make a true commitment to love or do we go for need and games? Up for us to choose.
Thank you Anne. I can see I have had a belief that relationships should always start out rosy if they are to have any chance of success but your story shows that true love can be chosen as a new foundation at any time and I can see that foundation starts with the way I am with myself.
“Now, ‘making love’ is a confirmation of the way we have been together during the day.” Making love is a connection felt within and then reflected outwardly to all including our partners and shows a depth of intimacy that is amazingly infectious for all.
I love how you say making love is a ‘feeling that is forever with you’ because it is a connection that is with how you are with yourself and your partner – so different to the emptiness felt after sex because it is without connection.
Very funny blog Anne – Beautifully written
Anne for me it was such a wonderful experience to read about an older woman talking about making love. Why is that not a normal thing to do for older people? It was a bit of a secret for me what happened with love making when we are getting older. Therefore I love it and find it very inspirational what you have shared!
Love is definitely more than the physical act.
Thank you Anne for expanding that ‘love’ goes far beyond the bedroom and if the sexual act or needs being met are the basis of a relationship then we cut ourselves off from what the two people coming together could express to each other, to themselves and everyone else.
The process of redefining love and deepening the connection is what makes a relationship last and stay alive at the same time as it allows for evolution – a constant furthering and exploring of what love, joy and harmony truly is.
We try to make up for what we are missing inside and what we know we could present to the world and compensate it by doing something – whatever we feel is fit to make up for it – that is what we learn from a very young age. Thank you Anne for spelling this out so clearly.
Yes, connection is the key to making love – true connection is the biggest turn on!
I find it inspiring to hear an elder women share with such openness, sharing what you have experienced and discovered through the years. We can all learn from each other’s experiences. Thank you.
I do too, if we can pay attention and consider giving it a go in our own lives we have so much to look forward to without leaving the present moment!
I love how you have taken making love out of the bedroom only domain, and live that love in your everyday connections with your husband. True intimacy may or may not be sexual, and can be shared with more than our chosen sexual partner.
I so agree, and when you read how simple it is, as Anne has shared, it is entirely logical. So logical we have to ask why we are not doing it as our normal?!
Thanks for the honesty Anne, thoroughly enjoyed
Making love never has to end, it is in our every action, such a powerful revelation to feel. I know now if I feel emotional or needy that I have stepped away from the love that I naturally am and hold in my body, and I know for sure that I don’t want to be in a relationship that is based on drama. How completely affirming we can make life when we stop striving to be recognised for what we do, and find our own strength from within of who we are and that we matter That is a beautiful way of being to take to any relationship and makes the making love a magical thing to behold.
Making love has no beginning and no end. When we live this truth life is a constant confirmation of our grandness and we don’t need the excitement of those special moment, as every moment is absolute and a confirmation of who we truly are.
‘Unlike having sex’, there is no beginning or end to ‘making love’. It is a feeling that is forever with you, and the physical act is a glorious and joy-full confirmation of our loving connection.’ This is so beautifully expressed Anne, a continuous building that is forever evolving.
“there is no beginning or end to ‘making love’. It is a feeling that is forever with you, and the physical act is a glorious and joy-full confirmation of our loving connection.” The power and meaning of words. Making love is something we are and share with another and sex is something you do but does not last.
‘you cannot truly love another until you love yourself. How many of us were ever told by our parents or teachers when we were young to love ourselves?’ You make a tremendous observation here, Anne. We aren’t shown the way to love ourselves so no wonder our relationships are challenging, when we put so much expectation and need on another for the love we’re not providing to ourselves. Looked at this way, it’s irresponsible to enter into a relationship without knowing how to love ourselves first.
With sex there is a beginning and an end and with making love, it is a never ending journey. We just keep on building love and expressing this, in everything we do. How beautiful it would be to teach this to the next generations, instead of all the reflections they get now, where it is mostly about sex, and not about true intimacy.
A lovely blog to read Anne. Thank you for sharing with us that making love is a confirmation of the way we are in every moment of the day.
There is much wisdom in your words Anne and it is a blessing that you are sharing this so that we all have an opportunity to learn from what you have experienced. Thank you
This is such a gorgeous sharing , Anne. It does not matter what age you are or how long you have been together, relationships can never stand still and your story illustrates this beautifully. Thank you.
“There is no beginning or end to ‘making love’”. Anne I feel this can apply to all aspects our of lives, everyday in everything we do when we are love.
Anne, a very beautiful blog showing how through commitment it is possible to turn a needy relationship into a fulfilling and loving relationship that is based on a re-foundation of love.
Super inspiring to read Anne, in the commitment you both shared to bring more truth to your relationship, supporting you both to express more from the love within rather than from emotion. Thank-you for sharing.
Making love is an everyday living, not just a one time or moment act. I love these revelations in your blog Anne. We are so tricked by that making love is just a one thing or moment act and then it is over. Like you shared and many people commented about: Love is an everyday livingness.
Another gorgeous blog Anne. You have described so well that process that happens in relationships when in the early stages we connect to the inner beauty or inner essence of the other person and we really feel their potential. Perhaps this is what we ‘fall in love with’. And then the hurts slowly surface and the behaviours spring up from those hurts that get in the way and if we are not care-ful we lose sight of the inner essence and only see the other person as a sum total of all their behaviours. But as you have so clearly described, if we continue to feel and connect to the love that we are, out own inner essence it allows us to see the love that another is also underneath all the behaviours and hurts. Truly loving yourself is a bit like putting on a special pair of ‘love goggles’ which allows us to view the world and our relationships in a completely different light which perhaps may be impossible to see without these on!
So true, as children who we are naturally is often not celebrated or appreciated, and much of life is spent attempting to fit in with what others expect of us rather than enjoying who we are, just for being ourselves. Is it a wonder that we spend our lives forever searching for someone to recognise us for just ‘being ourself’? Imagine a chid born who is supported to live with the love they already innately are. They are born divine and many children naturally have the capacity to live and express this without being taught how to do it. If children are offered space to express this, they build natural self worth and self love, many of us know that it has taken many years to build, reclaim a foundation that was there with us as a child, which got lost and forgotten as we try to fit in with societies demands. It is true we all are enough ‘just as we are’, and through learning to live and celebrate this, ‘love making’ comes naturally.
This is an important blog many will relate to. Let’s face it sex is just yuck, it’s empty and mechanical. Making love on the other hand is, as you say, endless, a glorious, playful connection between two people that is forever deepening and evolving.
Anne, thank you so much for sharing this. I really appreciate your open-ness – it’s very refreshing! I would love to know more about your life and your insights – there is clearly much more wisdom to share here! You have such insight and understanding into the events in your life, it would be great to hear more of your perspective as I feel all could benefit as a result!
Having Sex can then become an act of love that has nothing to do with performance, duration, technique… anymore. It is a way of being with each other, that extends to a physical expression in the moment of sleeping with each other and equally goes on when you then have breakfast or go for a walk or each of us goes to work.
What I got out of your blog, Anne, is that you never loose connection to each other while you are in love. And that it doesn’t matter where you are and what you are doing – you are connected in love. So the physical act itself holds the same quality as your connection beforehand. The more intimate you are with each other throughout your day and life the more the physical act of making love is intimate.
When there is true connection, not only attraction, you can always evolve from that. I like it that you saw your issues but went for it anyway, giving true love an opportunity in your life, growing and evolving. Great example of how one can evolve from emotional love to true love.
I love that there is no beginning and no end to making love.
Very cool Anne and very beautiful are each one of your words – I think you managed to put the sexy back in to making love. Who wouldn’t want to make love after what you have described, I know I do not want to live one moment without love in my life.
Thank you for sharing so intimately Anne, very inspiring.
Thank you Anne, your blog is very inspiring and confirms to me the simple truth that quality definitely supersedes quantity.
What a beautiful sharing Anne, I love to feel you and your husband and the intimacy you share now, very inspiring how you choose to evolve from an emotional neediness to a true relationship built on love, forever unfolding and deepening.
I loved reading your story Anne, no-matter how the sex story is packaged it always seems to leave a very large hole or it’s like an itch that can’t be scratched. And yet, when I experience making love nothing needs scratching as everything about the love making confirms what we have shared and are thus celebrating.
I love this Anne. Thank you so much for the sensitive and intimate way you shared with us what it is to make love. You are both gorgeously warm people and I can feel how much your relationship has developed since we met in Perth! Inspirational.
Thank you Lucy, as you say , the relationship I have with my husband “has developed since we met in Perth” many years ago now. If a relationship is not continually developing then it is just in comfort and therefore is not evolving for either person. As my husband and I have discovered, a true relationship is a never-ending journey, not a destination!
Anne a delight to read and also witness your Loving relationship, you are both living proof of Love in action.
It is beautiful to read what making love is to you and how much it has evolved with you and your husband. It is so true what you have shared here about Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine ‘What was being said was common sense, but it had never been presented to us in such a simple way before. Here was someone saying that you cannot truly love another until you love yourself. How many of us were ever told by our parents or teachers when we were young to love ourselves?’ And what it also made me realise was how growing self-love was seen as being selfish.
Hello Anne, thank you for sharing your search and understanding of ‘Sex’ vs ‘Love’. The reflection of the power of your connection to self, to the inner knowing that there was something more was always there. When this was listened to it guided you to true connection to who you truly are and in that realisation, to true and love filled connection with another. I loved how this became your foundation when emotions played out. It held you both steady and now ‘Lovemaking’ happens in every moment of every day. A Beautiful sharing. It also blows all the false beliefs ‘Love is only for the young’ out of the water and exposes so much that is not talked about in ageing, relationships and love. Thank you for opening this up for consideration and discussion.
I wonder how many relationships could be all about filling the others needs. And, how many arguments or unharmonious relationships are because of the needs not being met?
Bringing love to ourselves first is the key… working on this has made a huge change to all my relationships and all aspects of my life.
Thank you Anne for sharing your story, that was just beautiful.
Beautiful Anne, thank you. All my relationships have been based on needs, needing the other to fulfill something in me. Letting go of those needs and being really honest about them, is a beautiful yet at times confronting and raw journey, but the only way to build a relationship which is based on truth and love.
Great blog Anne. I so relate to: ‘For a couple who reaches this point there is often a choice, either to separate or to rebuild a foundation of true love.’ My husband and I also reached this same point in our relationship and like you, there was no choice because of our connection to each other and our knowing of what was possible and is now very much a reality for us. Thanks for sharing something so intimate yet so inspiring.
It is very simple we we break it all down and know that how we are in every relationship is about the choices we make.
Anne it’s truly remarkable that you and your husband made the choice to commit to healing what was in the way of developing a true loving relationship. Thankyou for sharing this with the world.
What I find beautiful about this blog is the (implicit more than explicit) acknowledgement that your life would had continued running its course to nowhere had you not met Serge Benhayon and been open to the teachings he delivers. Aligning to these teachings (in a truly discriminating way) is a gift ones gives to oneself, one that caresses the (long forgotten) Soul.
My early relationships were all about the sex part… the ‘loving’ before hand usually being an act with a very clear outcome planned. It’s horrible to write that, but true. So learning through the studies with Universal Medicine that the love in every move, or thing we do is a game changer, this brings a totally different focus to my relationship now.
A very honest account for many men to come to Simon, thank you for sharing.
hmmm, thank you for sharing Anne. I can see how much my relationships have been fueled by the emotions and a need to be filled and know that that doesn’t end up working in a relationship. I can really relate to the “I did not understand what the big deal was, but at least I was held and touched by someone.” It was wonderful to hear that you both chose to stay together and make the solid commitment. I love how you explained that it required trust when one or the other chose to express from emotion. That made sense, i can feel that trust in the other is a huge requirement within a relationship.
Thanks for your very personal and honest sharing Anne.I love what you write at the end, “Unlike ‘having sex’, there is no beginning or end to ‘making love’. It is a feeling that is forever within you.” Beautiful.
Your deeply honest sharing was a pleasure to read and your discovery of making love an inspiration to all who are still confused and searching.
A beautiful and intimate sharing that has inspired me to look at my relationship and how I can bring more honesty to it. Thank you Anne
This was so beautiful to read Anne, especially when you began to get more honest in your relationship and shift the focus to bringing love into all that you are and do. “Now, ‘making love’ is a confirmation of the way we have been together during the day. But in truth, it is how we are in every moment of the day, not what we do. It is how we smile at each other, touch each other in passing, prepare a meal together or feel the other when they are not there. Unlike ‘having sex’, there is no beginning or end to ‘making love’. It is a feeling that is forever with you, and the physical act is a glorious and joy-full confirmation of our loving connection.” How inspiring this is.
It is so true what you have shared Anne about how as children we have been encouraged to ‘perform’ to receive attention or recognition. And not encouraged to love ourselves and be who we are in all that we do. This is a powerful realisation that you have shared – ‘As we embodied more love, we became aware that what we had up until that time was not ‘love’, but a relationship based on filling each other’s needs… and when our needs were not met, the emotional games kicked in.’ Thank you for sharing your journey in building a foundation of true love with yourself and your husband and how ‘there is no beginning or end to ‘making love’’ – beautiful.
There is a defiantly a huge difference between making love and having sex.
Although this example can be applied to everything thing.
Are you making love or cleaning the house?
Are you making work about love or working for your next pay check?
The trick is making life about love then you are able to en-joy all that it has to offer, as Anne has described in her blog.
I love how you have expressed this Luke, so very very true.
Spot on here Luke, ‘the trick is making life about love then you are able to en-joy all that it has to offer’. Love is our very essence and when we express from that essence we are the vehicle for God on earth. . .
Love it Anne
I recently heard a wise young man say to me: ‘there is never an excuse to not be love. It doesn’t matter what another has said or done, it is your responsibility to be love always.
That’s right Anne, thank you for this blog. “love is our very essence”, and so committing to living from that essence and expressing this in all we do, allows God’s love to be here on earth for all.
Luke Yokota – this is a blog in itself! You have shared how making love is just so natural in all that we do – “The trick is making life about love”
I will re-phase “The ‘commitment’ is… making life about love’.
No trick… just choice and the consistency to commitment.
Absolutely Luke making everything about love makes us live in love 24/7 and enjoy everything equally as Anne so beautifully describes in her blog that love making has no beginning and no end it just is. Very awesome.
True Rachel, it is very awesome, It takes some practice but living love is a choice and commitment to that choice, beginning with a commitment to self, as a commitment to all, and from there what unfolds is truly joyful, the living of love together making love..
Yep, Commitment works well there Luke
That’s awesome lukeyokota… you have taken the ‘sexy title’ and, as with the blog, transformed it into a very human, practical, everyday relationship with love.
True simonwilliams8, because for a long time I thought love was this feeling completely devoted to close family and friends. It was something very delicate that had to be nurtured and constantly waited on to be maintained, otherwise running the risk of breaking someone’s heart…
Love is a very practical way of living that should be incorporated into all areas of life. Love is a source to draw inspiration, clarity and joy.
Luke I always felt, deep down that my life was all about love, and found the truth of it in Serge Benhayon and his presentations. Working for love feels very different to working for money or a tidy house.
Definitely Catherine
I am learning to make everything about love which means that everything is about everyone as love beholds all equally. Thank you Luke and Anne.
Very wise Sally
So true Lukeyokota- a great point you have raised and that is making love the foundation in everything you do, and therefore true joy and harmony is felt and shared by everyone.
Love what you have expressed here lukeyokota, makes so much sense: Are you making love or cleaning the house?
Are you making work about love or working for your next pay check? Still unfolding for me to make everything about love.
Yes, I am constantly learning everyday as well
This is great Luke, in every moment is the opportunity to deepen Love, or to pass it by for something that is not from Love.
Agree Annie it is one or the other.
Love what you share here lukeyokota, in that making love (or making our lives about love) can be applied to everything we do and every relationship….
Beautiful Luke. What a loving way to live in all we do.
I love the simplicity and truth in your blogs- very lovely to read and I can feel your wise elderly energy in it.
This blog is relevant to men and women, single and in relationships.
I can completely relate to your first sexual experience Anne – your choice to do it to find out what you were missing out on. I remember a feeling of wanting to get it over and done with in a way that makes me scratch my head in wonderment now.
I am single, but know that the relationship I can work on is the one with myself. How blessed I feel to have met Serge Benhayon so that I can know the truth of that, and live it.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful journey from sex to love through the realisation presented by Serge Benhayon that to love another one has to first love oneself. As you say it takes, “commitment on both sides, and a mutual understanding and trust when one or the other of us chose to express from emotion… rather than from the love within” to develop true love.
I loved reading your story Anne and appreciate your openness and honesty in this sharing.
Thank you Anne for sharing a great blog about the commitment you and your partner shared to rebuild the foundations of your relationship. Committing to self love and to the love you have for each other is awesome.
Thank you Janne but when you are both committed to living esoterically to the best of your ability, there is no other way than to commit ‘self love and to the love you have for each other’. This not only applies to the partners we choose in life but to all our relationships, however fleeting.
I love the lightness and humour with which you write Anne! And so lovely to have confirmed that making love is indeed something I can also look forwards to not just now but also as I grow and mature and become more wise…
“Making love is how we have been during the day”. I love that line. It says it all. Because it shows that the two of you have been with yourselves first and then from that connection met each other lovingly during the day. Yes, it is so the missing link we didn’t get taught at school or via our parents. To love yourself first is the basis of all the lovemaking in the world.
Truly lovely blog, Anne, on how you both discovered and made the commitment to start to self love first. Very inspiring to read. Thank you for pointing out that “there is no beginning or end to ‘making love’.” Just love.
We so need to make the words ‘making love’ part of our everyday language, instead of a phrase to snigger at or get embarrassed by.
And what a treasure it is Anne, that you decided to stay with your husband and ‘make love’ every minute of every day 🙂
A lovely blog Anne, reminding me of the importance of true love in every aspect of our lives.
It is so inspiring to read your blog Anne. As an older woman who was in a relationship (marriage for 27 years), is not in a relationship and has not been for many years I have been quite reticent about starting a new one. I made some unloving choices as I didn’t listen to my inner voice when it said “don’t go there” and it was quite a destructive relationship – There was a sense of pressure in not being good enough and needing to be stronger, more outspoken. It was time to leave and claim myself back which I did. I am so grateful to Serge Benhayon and the Universal Medicine teachings for giving me a totally different and Loving way to be in relationship to all. If I do go into another relationship this lifetime I will have a totally different view on relating and not give myself away to another partner but see myself as equal.
Lovely Roslyn, but you do not have to wait until you “go into another relationship this lifetime” to have ” a totally different view on relating” and not give yourself away to another but see your self as equal. We are all in relationship with each and every person we meet each day, so no need to wait until you meet a potential partner. It is not about relationship with one other but about developing true relationship with all others.
I loved reading this blog, thanks Anne. There is no end to making love, its not just the physical act it’s every moment every day!
I can really relate to what you have shared. I feel just about everybody can. We all get sold ‘sex’ when what we really want is love. Your blog shows what is possible when we commit to living love and expressing it in our relationships. Very inspiring Anne.
What a delight to read this. Really I feel it is a perspective everyone can relate to on some level – I certainly could. It is really inspiring to read about the way you turned your relationship around Anne.
Absolutely gorgeous Anne and inspiring of what true relationships and real love-making can and should be.
Thank you Anne, love your sharing and I experienced the same and still am with my husband. The journey from needing each other and looking for love in the other all laced with massive expectations to living and making love on a daily basis has been so amazing even though not always easy, but absolutely worth it.
Yes Rachel, the journey back to ‘true love’ with our partner is indeed ‘absolutely worth it’, but then it becomes not just about our partner. We also cannot truly love another if we do not love all others equally so, even though the way we express love to others will be different. . .
I love how you shared that it is never too late to change if you feel that deep down love you will know that it is worth working towards regardless of what has happened before. All that is required is to feel the love that is there.
Absolutely Leigh and as we develop a relationship with our partner where we allow ourselves to ‘feel the love that is there’ this can no longer be contained to one other, and we start to feel ‘the love that is there’ in all others equally so! We start to see all others from their glory first and not from their ill-expression.
Deeply beautiful Anne, thank-you for your honesty in sharing about your life, and how you and your husband have found such a richness in being together now. That making love ‘has no beginning and no end’ says it all and is deeply inspiring – that it’s in ‘how’ we are together, that true connection is felt, and a far richer way of relationship than the ‘old ways’ is lived, everyday.
My husband and I have experienced similar transformations in coming to the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. So many needs and impositions upon each other have been realised and let go, and we continue (without ‘beginning or end’) to grow, together.
Beautiful sharing Anne, this is proof that whatever happens in life, whatever choices you have made before, you can always start to make a true change!
Yes Lieke, and one can make different choices at any moment – it is never too late to change no matter how old you are!
That’s so so beautiful to read. That after all those years of searching you and your partner were able to go deeper in your relationship. Proof that it is never too late.
To realise there is a relationship with a not-so-good foundation is an amazing step and to then rebuild a foundation in an existing relationship takes courage as it can almost seem easier to walk away. Fortunately we feel that connection and we stay.
Yes Nikki, It can sometimes be easier to walk away from a relationship than to rebuild a foundation and in some instances walking away is what is needed. It is for each person to feel for themselves which course of action feels true for them and to follow their heart. Sometimes the separation can start the healing process and sometimes the healing process can be nurtured within the relationship.
What a beautiful and inspiring love story. I appreciate your honesty about where your relationship was at and it’s so true how we can feel “empty” even when we are in a relationship. It’s wonderful that you have chosen to evolve and deepen your relationship based on what is presented through Universal Medicine and the results speak for themselves. True love indeed – enjoy!
Lovely Anne. Love like this is what we often are after in a relationship even though it is so rarely experienced by many.
Thank you Anne. Your writting gives me much to ponder on. I too have felt the emptiness of living without true love in my life; a way of living that constantly left me needing it from others – a virtual roller -coaster of high and low emotional states -one that I have now stepped off. As I love myself I feel the naturalness of loving others
Leigh, I love that you say, “As I love myself I feel the naturalness of loving others”. In truth loving others is a natural process but we give energy to not allowing the process when we give energy to ideals, beliefs and our hurts! We give energy to the things that stand in the way of naturally loving others and accepting love in. It is much easier to just let go of all our ‘stuff’ and live from love, naturally so. . .
I deeply appreciate the honesty and the lived wisdom of this blog. Love is indeed simple, but it is a choice that we all make to let it in and let it out in equal measure.
Thanks Anne, I loved reading about your life experiences and how your relationship with yourself and your husband has grown.
Thank you Anne for your honesty and sharing such personal experiences. My husband and I have been on a similar journey, brought together by a true connection, which was buried under a lot of unresolved hurts. Thankfully we too decided to heal our hurts and create a relationship based on true Love, supported by the wisdom and love of Serge Benhayon. It’s true “there is no beginning or end to ‘making love'” and making this the focus of the day is very beautiful and fulfilling.
Yes Rowena, many couples who got together before meeting Serge Benhayon, have shared how they also got to the point where they realised that while they had a deep connection it was buried under a lot of unresolved issues. While some couples decide to stay together and work on their issues within the relationship, other couples decide to separate and work on their issues separately, while still open to the possibility that they may get together again after they have each healed their individual issues. Neither path is easier than the other, just a choice of what feels right at the time. It is inspirational to report that one couple who decided to separate are now ‘dating’ again and allowing time to and create a relationship based on true Love. Another example of how we live in cycles perhaps?
Thank you for sharing your story Anne, it gave me the opportunity to reflect on my own experiences throughout my life.
Anne, I love your absolute honesty about how you’ve approached sex and relationship and your realisation that it’s about loving yourself first and then being with another is different; and then the dedication of both you and your partner to bringing that love to your relationship – inspiring. You remind me of something really important, that it’s never too late, no matter what age or where you are in life to embrace love with yourself and bring that to a relationship with you and others.
Thanks Anne for openly showing that it is possible at any age or at any stage of a relationship to change things and start making different choices to allow in more love and respect. Great example of both you and your partner not saying ‘that will do’ as many do in relationships but taking full responsibility and making the changes that you felt were needed to grow and develop the relationship.
I like this too – that even though the foundation of the existing relationship may have had its problems, Anne and her partner have worked through these rather than giving up, and are now experiencing the benefits!
This is beautiful to read, thank you for sharing Anne. I love this realisation….’a relationship based on filling each other’s needs… and when our needs were not met, the emotional games kicked in’….how true!
A joy to read Anne.
So helpful for someone in their 70’s at the beginning of a friendship, taking first steps, building a foundation of love and appreciation.
Not attached to an outcome, just allowing our commitment to deepen and unfold……….
Yes Wendy, we are never to old to make different choices in life, choices that continue to be more self-loving and nurturing – an ongoing process as we constantly deepen our awareness and connection to self and others…
Thanks Anne, yes I can very much relate to the moment of realisation that a relationship has not been truly loving, and what an amazing opportunity it is to stop the emotional game playing and start afresh in a real and honest way. It is so wonderful that you both chose to commit in this way to yourselves and each other.
Your blog reminded me of how, during a recent visit to Bath, I noticed a 1960s-style sex shop there.
Its tawdry display of ‘ equipment ‘, presumably intended to excite and arouse, seemed to demean and parody the sexual act.
I remember feeling at the time that sex is being under-sold here!
The most wonderful sex happens in a caring and loving relationship, and that loveless window display,
was projecting exactly the opposite!
Thank you Anne for sharing with us your love journey. There is a sentence I particularly enjoyed reading : “unlike having sex, there is no beginning or end to making love”. Beautiful.
Thank you Anne for sharing soo openly and for not settling for any less than love. You are a true inspiration.
Beautiful to hear that making love is not just the physical act but as you say the way you carry yourself, together, each moment of each day. Wonderful to hear and feel the differences between your experiences.
Thanks Anne — I loved hearing about your life in the 60s and now, thank you for sharing, what an awesome unfoldment.
Thanks Anne for sharing your beautiful story.
I really love the the strength of the line ” there is no beginning or end to making love”.
It really hits home for me what it is I have been searching for and missing in so many past relationships. When in the past “sex has finished”, the feeling of still wanting something is still there deep down. An emptiness like ” that didn’t fill the hole. Even when it has been long lasting and full of “passion” or when it has been really tender and soft and “intimate”. So many times I have felt that and wondered what is wrong? What is wrong with me, or the other person, or the relationship. When deep down I realise I have always known that I have been searching for what is inside me- the willingness to really love myself, and share that with someone rather than two people trying to “get” whats missing from eacheother. In that – you realise you are never alone. In that there is a depth and fullness that can never be emptied.
Thanks for such a beautiful example of what is possible.
Yes Simon, you hit the nail on the head when you say, ‘deep down I realise I have always known that I have been searching for what is inside me – the willingness to really love myself’. This is the key to a true relationship. Until we love ourselves we cannot love another in the true meaning of the word! By starting to love yourself now, I doubt that you will have to wait until you are in your older years to find a true relationship!
Such a simple thing Anne and Simon, the willingness to really love myself, but so profound and life-changing. Not necessarily so easy to begin with, as we are conditioned to look outside but so amazing as we discover our own love and what can unfold from there. Definitely is the key to a true relationship.
Well said Simon. And what a realisation – that we are never alone. Our love is like an endless ocean, where it just seems to get deeper and deeper.
This passage is beautiful Anne,
“Looking back, what held it together was an almost unconscious feeling we both had that there was some inner-beauty deep within the other person that we could occasionally feel, even though they did not allow that to be expressed. In both cases that ‘inner-beauty’ was buried behind our ‘emptiness’ and the hurts we carried.”
I have often asked myself, what was it that we were together for so long, and yet it did not feel like a ‘full love’? – despite both consenting to our relationship as loving one-another from the start, and despite others observing a steadiness in our relationship over the 25+ years. Thank you for putting it so clearly and undeniably, I concur, it’s been amazing to discover the ways we can now build that true-love and make our relationship complete.
Yes Rosanna, ‘I concur, it’s been amazing to discover the ways we can now build that true-love’ however my experience has been and still is, that a relationship is never completed. There is no completion or end-point, it is an ever ending journey as there are no limits to the depth of the love we can unfold in each and very relationship.
Ann thank you for sharing. I look forward to the day that I may experience this.
Thank you Anne. This has touched me deeply.
Thanks for sharing Anne I especially like the statement: ‘There is no beginning or end to making love’. So true.
This is beautiful, Anne, and very inspiring, as you say – ‘there is no beginning or end to ‘making love’. How joyous to reconnect to the Love in each of you and live that every day!
A enjoyable and open account of your ‘love’ journey Anne, beautifully summed up in your last two sentences.
So beautifully put Anne thank you. You have answered my questions!
There is so much strength in your honesty and ‘realness’ Anne! You so clearly describe the emptiness we have all felt even when utterly enjoying ‘physical’ sex. I too was completely hooked by the consciousness that ‘love’ with men was out there and had to be ‘got’ even though I absolutely knew that there was something far deeper and felt such a longing for it. Thank you for your awesome blog.
Hi Anne,
Thank you for so candidly sharing… When I was younger, I always knew a relationship like this was possible, but I thought I was “off the planet” as I couldn’t see any one having a quality relationship like this. Now I KNOW beyond a shadow of doubt that this is possible and this I what I choose for myself!! Bring it on! I could never go back to my old ways of relationships.
Absolutely Nina, and once we have a loving relationship with self and one other, then that same loving relationship is with and for All!
This is a very powerful testimony on how we are taught to value sex, and what value sex truly has. There are many people who shattered themselves on this misunderstanding, and that is really sad. I wonder if this woman were taught the truth about sex before she unhinged herself in her twenties would her love life have turned out differently. I am sure it would have. Either way it sounds like she is on a great path now.
What a beautiful post. I have been with my husband since we were very young, and we are definitely on a journey of change. I feel like we have at true connection, but it gets lost in the drama of our lives and sometimes it just doesn’t feel like we’re making love at all….
So beautifully expressed Anne, thank you.