Can I Be Fulfilled Without Being A Mother?

by Mariette, The Netherlands

As long as I can remember, people around me told me that one day I would be a great mum. Up till this very day, people still tell me this and ask me regularly if I have children. As a child I had this strong belief that later I would be a mother, not even knowing that there was such a thing as a choice. I always played ‘mother and father’ with other kids; I just loved to mother my stuffed animals or I was cooking in my fantasy ‘kitchen’ in the back of our garden. I guess all these three combined would actually make me the most perfect mother…

As I grew older, I still had this strong belief that one day I would get married and have children. For me there was no other option. This was also something I saw reflected in other women’s lives. Women without children were a rare species, and to be honest, I always thought there must be something wrong with them. I have always loved children, even when I was still a teenager myself, and I have this natural attraction towards children and vice versa. It never occurred to me that there was a chance that I would not be a mother.

I have however, always had this far away feeling that maybe there is something else for me to do in this life. For so long I did not want to allow this feeling in. This was too painful, too confronting, too abnormal: I could not imagine being fulfilled in life as a woman without having your own children. I have always heard these wonderful stories (and still do) of how great the unconditional love between a mother and child is, that having children is the best thing that can happen to you and that being a mother really gives a meaning to your life. And yes, I wanted all of that. I not only wanted that, but I can say now, I needed that. Let’s say I had quite some expectations, and our child was not even conceived yet…

There is a huge difference in wanting something from neediness (to better or fulfil your life) or wanting something from your inner heart. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with wanting things in life; I guess it’s quite human. But what if the outcome is different from what I want, I have asked myself. Can I accept this and still have a wonderful life? I have always been searching outside of myself for love. There has always been that aching feeling that something was missing, and I have always thought that having a child would bring fulfillment in my life.

Over the past two years, I have had a lot of loving and honest support from Universal Medicine. Not only from Serge Benhayon, but from his whole family, the practitioners Natalie Benhayon, Mary-Louise Myers and Carolien, and from all my fellow students.

I have turned 40 this year, and my partner and I have recently decided not to choose an IVF procedure at the hospital. This feels like the most loving and honest decision towards myself and my body. Four years ago, I had some cells removed from the opening of my uterus, with the unfortunate result that there was now only a small chance to become pregnant the natural way. This is the reason that we had gone to the hospital to get some help (inseminations). After the third time, I became pregnant and we were both very happy. Our child was not healthy though, and at 14 weeks we decided to end the pregnancy. This has been a profound life changing experience which has asked me to really turn inside and start connecting with myself. It was shortly after that I was introduced to esoteric healing and I had my first session with the Dutch practitioner Carolien Braakenburg. Amazing how life takes care of me.

Serge is the first person I have met in my life who has presented to me that it’s more than ok for a woman to not have children. I remember when he shared this in one of his presentations, I was deeply touched: that having a life where you can work on the relationship with yourself, starting to truly love yourself and deepen the connection with yourself is actually a true gift. At this moment I am experiencing that I can have an amazing life just by being me more and more, without the role of being a mother. I am not saying it has always been easy but wow, I can honestly say… yes! The answer is: yes, I can be fulfilled in life without being a mother. I have to admit, I do feel like a rare species myself now, although I know now that there is nothing wrong with me. But women in my situation who have, or have had a longing for a child but do not have a child of their own, are seen as a victim or someone to feel sorry for. This is not at all how I feel. Maybe it’s time that we reflect something different…? How about empowering us women, and let us feel that it’s ok to live our life without being a mother? That I am enough, just by being me.

141 thoughts on “Can I Be Fulfilled Without Being A Mother?

  1. “that having a life where you can work on the relationship with yourself, starting to truly love yourself and deepen the connection with yourself is actually a true gift” this line really stood out for me. because I equally have chosen to not have kids in this life, I have chosen in this life to deepen my connection to me, to deeply learn how to love my body and all that it tells me. It is a gift I have ignored most of my life, but learning now how deeply loving a process and unfoldment that is.

  2. Such a beautiful sharing Mariette. I love how you have come to appreciate and value the relationship and connection you have with yourself and then to share who you truly are with others; thank you.

  3. Thank you Mariette, this is so beautiful to read, as it shows me that it is absolute okay to not have children and or that there is no failure whatsoever, but that even at times it is supportive of oneself to have a different focus, meaning not having a child, as something else might be needed as you say.

  4. Step away from the connection to who we are from within, from the fullness we are in our essence, and we make room for the myriad of pictures, beliefs and ideals around who we are as women and what we need to achieve, do or be in order to make ourselves complete. Connect back to our innermost, as you so beautiful describe, and there is no further need to identify ourselves by any outer means.

  5. When women value the fullness and preciousness within, the need to be loved or seek that love from having children dissolves. Miranda Benhayon is the most gorgeous and powerful example of a woman living in her fullness without the need for children of her own – although she is a mother to many.

  6. I have come across this with many people, and I used to be like this, ‘I have always been searching outside of myself for love. There has always been that aching feeling that something was missing’, when all along it was my inner-self I was missing, my connection with me.

  7. What I got from your blog Marriette, was how much our ideals and beliefs are set up to block us from what truly is on offer. We hang onto them, guard them, all so we have no need to deepen and feel what is underneath them. Which is crazy considering when we finally surrender and let them go the immense expansion that is on offer is far more than what our ideals and beliefs had to offer.

  8. I agree totally, this is what I am choosing too, ‘that having a life where you can work on the relationship with yourself, starting to truly love yourself and deepen the connection with yourself is actually a true gift.’ An absolute gift.

  9. This is a very poignant sharing, being willing to go within and feel what is the true path for you, letting go of the pressures of society and what you your self think is profound and powerful. This sharing is one of honesty, openness and deep trust.

  10. A huge and deep decision you have made Mariette! The truth is we are all complete as we are. A beautiful sharing that will help many women in the same situation to move on in their lives with grace.

  11. Very profound Mariette, for women to know they are complete BEFORE they do anything, whether that’s to have children, or not, to have a job or not, to have a partner and marry or not… nothing is a measure of our completeness and our worth except the very essence we are, inescapably so.

  12. This article reveals the honesty that being a woman is not dependent on having children, but totally upon our choice to live our life in full. For some this is to have children, for others it is different. What we tend to not see, is that every woman carries a natural nurturing within, most narrow this to being a mother, but others have the wisdom to see and feel the grace of this energy in all of our interactions and how society doesn’t need mothers, what it does need is women willing to live from their natural nurturing essence, in everything they choose to do.

  13. Being a woman is wonderful and having children can be very rewarding, but for a woman who does not have her own children it does not diminish the love and nurture that a wonderful woman is able to share with all children.

  14. This is a great article and a great topic of discussion. How are young people and in this case woman are stereo cast into roles that may not be true for them. As the article is saying the author here didn’t even feel she had a choice, that’s how imposing these beliefs are on our young. A woman is a woman first before all else and whether she is a mother, a baker or a CEO it matters not to her quality. As people we are not seen as simply a person first and depending on age, gender, country etc we are type cast into roles by society and yet here we have how it’s not working for us. I say allow our children and our adults to be and do as they feel, not from a lawless position but from a decent and respectful position after all under neath we are actually and factually all the same.

  15. It is so sad that so many women have been conditioned to believe that they will in some way be incomplete if they do not also become a mother. What of course can follow from this expectation against a ticking clock is choosing to an arrangement with a partner rather than a relationship based upon love and evolving both parties. It is like a cementing in the less rather than living the fullness of our being.

  16. Quite shocking how ingrained the belief or even dogma is that a woman is only complete when becoming a mother. It exposes the lack of appreciation we have for a woman just being who she is as the woman that she is.

  17. What we don’t reflect on enough is that as women we naturally nurture others, be that friends, relatives, work colleagues and any others that are in our lives or cross our paths. This is the deeper truth beneath mothering, so as a woman we are always mothering, in the truest sense of the word, whether we have children or not.

  18. Mariette I love how you say ‘Amazing how life takes care of me.’ It is true the more we listen to our inner heart, our inner knowing the more we feel that life is taking care of us, so no need to control but a beautiful surrender to the wisdom that is within.

  19. Thank you for sharing your experience Mariette, to be given the opportunity to concentrate on our own relationship from within is equally as fulfilling, it is when we start to picture our life differently that we lose the true connection we have and the picture becomes bigger. Beautiful to read how accepting you are of being you.

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