by Janina Koch, Cologne, Germany
I have felt to share my experience with relationships (partners). I was very touched and inspired in Amina´s recent published article (Pressure to be in a Relationship with ‘The One’), by her openness and honesty. I feel it is important to share with another what is actually going on in relationships, as from the outside a lot of relationships or marriages seem great.
I started quite late with having long-term relationships, around age 21: before then, I had crushes on a lot of boys. I normally chose those who would not be interested in me, as I didn’t really trust men. And after having one short relationship with a guy who wasn’t really interested in me (nor I in him; we came together at a party with a lot of alcohol), I felt that I had had enough of men… my level of hate and frustration was quite strong.
Then I started dating women. I had two relationships with two beautiful women, which together lasted 10 years.
But really, as I didn’t love myself, I was not able to share my love with another person. I always knew that the key to life was that I needed to love myself – but I had such a self-destructive picture of myself that I couldn’t.
One of my ways in a relationship was to get moody, criticising the other; wanting things to be different and blaming the other person. Also, I often wasn’t really in contact with my partner and, even when we lived together, just existed without any true contact or loving interaction.
Then I met a man who I felt I could trust. So I began to open myself to men again… which took quite some years, and is still continuing.
I received a beautiful Esoteric Connective Tissue Therapy session from a male practitioner the other day. As this technique goes very deep, I could feel that I am still only going so far and am still holding back a part to let go of – and that it is time now to trust men again and to let them truly in, which I chose to do in the session. I could also get to feel the deep, hidden sadness I had of not being love, and how I have never been able to share this love on a deeper level with a partner.
Instead, I saw I was often reacting, for whatever reason; and often with anger and frustration towards my partners – including the beautiful partner with whom I live today. As I have been keeping myself in this state of emotion, I have not been able to see how he is absolutely gorgeous and pure love, and choose instead to keep him away from me.
When I realised how unloving my behaviour really was, I felt guilty and bad, which didn’t help much, either. And I wondered why he had stayed with me, for five years now.
Until I could see the other, ‘true me’ side – that I had developed during the last years – and the beauty and healing I’ve also brought to him (also through my singing and giving him healing sessions). I paved the Esoteric way for us both to walk on, as I had kept in contact with Universal Medicine the whole time.
So what are we waiting for? Are we ready to claim our love back and to make it a daily living experience whatever we are and do, no matter if we are with our partner… or at work or college?
I can feel that part of my sadness is at having lost loved ones in the past, which was so very painful, and that I would choose anything rather than go through that pain again. But this was also a total giving up of everything worth living for. That’s how my life felt – like a giving up. I used my past hurts as an excuse not to move on. And now it is about claiming me back, and knowing that I am love, and being love with others.
What I learnt again in this life is that within me, I am love – so I can’t lose it unless I choose to. My love is not dependent on another; I don’t need anybody to bring that love to me. But it’s a blessing to share and to express it.
So thank you to all of you already living it! Thank you especially to the couples I could observe and begin trusting that there is a loving, beautiful way to be with another… we have a couple of them here in Germany!!