by Cherise Holt, Nurse, Australia
When I was a little girl I just knew my Dad loved me . . .
Alongside my Mum he was committed to providing a safe and supportive home for me and my two brothers. As a baby he warmly cuddled and gently cared for me in every way he knew how, he would sing me songs and make me giggle. As I grew he would enjoy being playful with me, giving me a horsey-ride to my bedroom at bed time or tickling me with his beard to make me really smile.
He has always been a highly dedicated man, committed to his work, our family and truthfully to anything he has ever done. He worked shift work for many years to provide and whilst life was never about money or things, he spent every opportunity with us at school activities, taking us on our annual fishing holiday or simply recording hours of home video movies in the back yard.
My Dad once seemed to me like nothing really worried him, the strong male who could move, make, fix, eat, explain or do absolutely anything. The quiet man who never appeared to cry or be sad; he didn’t show his emotions and never seemed to complain although I could tell if he was angry or frustrated about something.
As I grew from a girl into a young woman I felt like my Dad and I had also grown miles apart. My Mum was the one I would go to for warm cuddles, long talks about my feelings or to cry with. My Dad and I would share a hug on occasion and as we did so less consistently our embrace seemed to feel more unnatural, and for me uncomfortable. I began to think my Mum and I were much closer which I felt guilty about and I was hurt at the thought that my Dad was perhaps holding back from me.
I have always known without doubt, that my Dad would do absolutely anything for me at any moment and without hesitation. But I began to feel the hurt of what he was not doing; he wasn’t reaching out to hug or to hold me, he wasn’t telling me that I was growing into a beautiful or gorgeous young woman and he didn’t use the words ‘I love you’. I was watching other girls and their Dads and I used to think they had a connection with their Dad that I was missing out on.
I am now in my late twenties and it has not been long since I have realised just how much I had been missing the connection between us; and taken responsibility for the fact that I had been holding back from him. At some point in my childhood I began to seek recognition, for love, for words and affection, anything to show me that I was special or confirm to me that I was loved. I held impossible expectations over my Dad that he was not fulfilling – but how could he when he had no clue they existed?
As a woman I held these same expectations over any other men I had met in my life. I wanted them to show me love in some way or to tell me how they loved me before I would be love with them. But nothing they said or did was ever really enough, I was still holding back, measuring and expecting – waiting for something more.
Since my connection with Universal Medicine, that something more has finally unfolded. However it has been nothing either given or said to me by another, it has presented through a deep connection to me and the unfolding of a deep self-love of who I am. With this love, I know I am truly beautiful, and that I actually am love so I don’t need to search for it with anyone else and I don’t need anyone to tell me this to know it as truth.
Today when I feel how lovely I am as a woman there is no need for anyone else to do anything, of course this includes my Dad. When I feel the love of simply being me, I can feel how lovely he is too. I don’t think of him as only a strong man who is capable of anything, for me it feels like when I was a little girl and he was so gentle and tender with me, we didn’t have to do anything back then – just be ourselves.
I have always known my Dad has loved me, and not because of anything that he has ever done for me but because I have felt it. Yes I feel it when he looks in my eyes or as I have begun to hug him again, but most importantly to me I feel it before he does a thing or says a word, or if I’m not even with him and it is in any moment that we are already deeply connected. I can feel how much it hurts both of us if I hold myself back from honouring the love I naturally am as a beautiful woman from who he naturally is, a deeply tender man.
Just like me, my Dad has his own way of expressing the love he feels. A year ago I told my Dad that I loved him and he reciprocated the sentiment, in that moment I heard the three words that I had realised I was once longing to hear, only to confirm within me that I have actually never needed to hear them at all.
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
This blog made me ponder on my relationship with my father. We have had different up bringings in that, my father was hardly around when we were children, he hardly played with us, laughed etc etc. But what I realise is the fact is that it was expected of him to provide for his family whether it was for the future, or security, the list could go on. But why? Who says that a man needs to do this or that, they have to take on this role or that role?
We grow up with these beliefs and the cycle continues.
This summed it up for me, ‘when I feel the love of simply being me, I can feel how lovely he is too’, and how true does this statement feel. It all comes down to how we are in the world that makes the difference. When we allow ourselves to be us, then it gives the others the reflection to be themselves too. A big change in how we think then, then expect the expected…
The relationship we have with out parents provides us with such an awesome opportunity to love more, be more and develop and deepen our understanding.
It is a very powerful moment when we realise that we do not need someone to give us anything and that we do not need someone to say to us they love us. And at the same time when we hold ourselves open to the love that we are, when we hear someone share from their heart how much they love us, it does indeed confirm that we already knew. This is truly beautiful.
Expectations destroy relationships.
Oh my God, what a bold but absolute statement. When we expect, it’s the expectation that ruins relationships. Having no desired outcomes leads to no disappointments. Why not let things be and let it unfold in its natural way?
What an absolutely gorgeous sharing Cherise and one that is so honest and open and allowing of what was and what is – honouring who you are and who your dad is too.
It is very inspiring what you have shared here Doug, if we were to stop holding back every relationship could potentially change, and part of that is not holding back our own love from ourselves.
Thank you Cherise for such a beautiful expression of wisdom around relationships and love, it feels so timeless in the truth it shares. “With this love, I know I am truly beautiful, and that I actually am love so I don’t need to search for it with anyone else and I don’t need anyone to tell me this to know it as truth.” Your words here have shown me how rock solid we can feel when we truly embrace our own love and know that it’s all we need. This then gives space to others to be themselves as well because all we need is within, and we don’t need to place demands or expectations onto others.
We have these investments and expectations with people and then feel hurt when they don’t deliver. What if we were to bring to ourselves what we seek from others, ‘At some point in my childhood I began to seek recognition, for love, for words and affection, anything to show me that I was special or confirm to me that I was loved.’
It’s a good question Lorraine, “What if we were to bring to ourselves what we seek from others?” And we are more than capable of doing so.
Our greatest form of communication is our reflection and when you have a loving approach to those close to us it is simple for us all to share the love we are and as you have shared Cherise no words need to be spoken.
It’s totally liberating to feel we need nothing from another.
And takes away the imposition we place on them.
And then we can enjoy just being together.
We know how to read movement but we love to pretend we do not know and leave in the reaction of it. This helps to confirm us not moving in a true way.
The image of a dad (of any other person) as a rock solid is a beautiful one when the rock solid is not hard as a rock.
When we hold back in any way with each other we miss out on the potential of what we can bring to each other.
What I can feel from reading this today is how my father was actually a deeply caring and tender man, and how, as I grew to harden up myself, I started to get repulsed when he showed any sign of tenderness. As a family, we can get caught in playing a role, but deep down, we are all the same, we all just want to be who we truly are.
Reading this brought me to tears as it connected me to my relationship with my late father. I know he loved me deeply but I cannot remember him ever saying it to me in words. But now when I look back I can feel his love in everything that he did, every word that he spoke and in all the unconditional support he always gave me.
It’s a really beautiful comment Ingrid, your father sounds like a very loving man. It reminds me of the pictures I used to have around love with my partner and when I began breaking these down and letting them go I opened up to seeing the unique ways he expressed love, which I had completely missed seeing, and began to appreciate him more and learn so much about love.
It’s so amazing what can unfold in our lives when we let go of the pictures that we often hold on tight to, pictures that do nothing but keep us from living the wonderful life that is ours to live.
How absolutely beautiful Ingrid – and this reminds me that love is not about words, but rather a holding, and this is indeed a powerful reminder that we all need.
Lovely honest blog Cherise, we have to be open to our own love, in order to feel the love of another.
“Since my connection with Universal Medicine, that something more has finally unfolded.” And that ‘something more’ is a feeling and knowing of Divine love that is within me to share equally with myself and everyone else.
A beautiful blog Cherise and deeply honouring of your father. We can place so much expectation on others to be something for us which keeps us in the longing and craving to be fulfilled by another, yet it is up to ourselves and not about anyone else. No one can love another but be love for themselves and naturally others will enjoy the blessing of such a loving presence…
The tenderness that is felt when we have that connection with the parents that raised us is delicious. So much seems to get in the way of that connection if we allow it to. Thank you for your beautiful reminder.
We reduce the expansiveness of relationships when we make it about need and/or expectations because we are saying ‘you need to fit into this box for me’. How can someone express what they naturally feel when they are being asked to be something else? Relationships are our greatest teacher in life.
I so agree – we cannot be squashed into a box or squash others. It is an insult to the whole we are from 🙂 We can learn so much from the relationships we have with our parents and how they can influence other relationships in our lives.
To have expectations about anybody is never going to work, we will go in judgement, frustration or sadness to name but a few, when our expectations are not met. It feels we try to control by what we think is necessary to happen instead of letting ourselves be who we are and give space to others to also be who they are and that’s always to find inside of our bodies.
I am learning to stay in tenderness, at present it is a work in progress – which feels lovely when I am in it; I like what you shared Cherise in one of your comments and will watch this in myself, ‘I have been able to feel now that anytime I am not feeling the tenderness and sensitivity my dad is, I am actually not feeling it within (and for) myself first and this is a sensation within my own body that does not sit well .. I nominate that I can’t wait to return to being tender with me and in turn with others’.
We behave in such crazy ways here on earth, I can relate with having held back my love and wanting others to show it first…and then it never being enough! ‘As a woman I held these same expectations over any other men I had met in my life. I wanted them to show me love in some way or to tell me how they loved me before I would be love with them. But nothing they said or did was ever really enough, I was still holding back, measuring and expecting – waiting for something more.’ Whereas when we connect to the huge love inside us and just be that love there is no neediness.
“When I feel the love of simply being me, I can feel how lovely he is too.”
That’s the difference between true love and emotional love – How much do you truly and act out love towards yourself?
Gosh I’m just feeling the pain of holding back our love from someone simply because they don’t live up to our expectation.
How powerful it is, to develop such a relationship with oneself, that we can stand back and actually reflect upon how others are, those who are close to us in our lives… to deepen our understanding not only of ourselves, but of others, their choices and ways of relating and being.
Truth is, we all want to be loved and it hurts when we don’t receive this – when another holds it back for whatever reason. Yet it is we who have the ability to heal ourselves in this situation, and potentially, if the other is willing, open the doorway to a new quality of relationship altogether.
Beautifully said Cherise – and what a wonderful realisation to come to in life. If we are all ‘out there’ seeking love then what we are really saying is ‘I am not love’. We create the illusion of lovelessness. But when we finally return to the awareness that we can be love and reconnect to it in our hearts, this all changes and with it all of our relationships change too – from neediness to sharing and being the love that we are. We bring love to the ‘party’ rather than go there seeking it from others.
Beautiful sharing- I can relate to much of what you have shared here. I never saw my parents as people more as just my parents and had pictures of how I wanted them to be for me. In this I brought no understanding to them and then was often hurt by not having the picture met. I also blocked them out as a teenager and there has always been an unsaid tension between us. Recently, I have started to see them as people and also brought more understanding to them and let go of how I need them to be. This has then allowed me the space to actually feel and express the love I have for them- without needing things to be a certain way.
A heart felt sharing that allowed me to ponder over my own relationship with my father and others…. Reminding me that love is not found in fulfilling needs or expectations but felt through a connection to and honouring of who another is.
So true Samantha, when we are open and honouring another with a deep decency and respect that should be shared with everyone those loving moments come at us from all directions.
It’s very powerful to acknowledge what we feel, and to understand that what we feel communicates much more than the words we think we need to hear.
‘I can feel how much it hurts both of us if I hold myself back from honouring the love I naturally am as a beautiful woman from who he naturally is, a deeply tender man.’ Thank you Cherise the relationship I have with my father has changed so much since I started to honour who I am and how I chose to deepen the relationship I have with myself as the woman I am. And as you say not only to him but to men in general.
What are we holding back anyway? ..Only the absolute love, purity and beauty that we innately are. And why would we want to hold this back? ..Because we create a belief system that says it is too hard to live in such a way that is actually so possible. When we choose to be who we are, we choose to be responsible for all that we reflect to the world and there is so much love to be reflected.
Such a beautiful love story Cherise, thank you for sharing, holding back love expecting the other to give it first is normal is relationships where there is no love for the self first only a need. I find so much love comes back when I don’t hold my love back from myself or from others.
Most people are guilty of holding back or measuring or waiting for something more. . . but you showed us with your beautiful sharing Cherise that it is our responsibility to do the first step – “I can feel how much it hurts both of us if I hold myself back from honouring the love I naturally am as a beautiful woman from who he naturally is, a deeply tender man.”
I was touched by the responsibility of this part too Ester, we have every opportunity to change relationships we want more from by surrendering to a deeper relationship with ourselves and building from there.
This is the most gorgeous love story Cherise. I think most people, myself included, can relate to experiencing this “I was still holding back, measuring and expecting – waiting for something more.”
Thank you Tamara.
We bring this ‘holding back’ to all of our relationships when we are holding back with ourselves too, and it’s easy to see how poisonous and detrimental this is to us and our lives. What if true relationships were about not holding back, not even an ounce!, and how would this look in the world today? I can’t help but feel how naturally interconnected we all are and that it is our responsibility to build true relationships with each other, no matter who, and that this begins with consistent responsible choices to do so.
Thankyou Cherise for the beautiful way you always share yourself in your writing. The comment you have written above on July 5, 16 is also an incredible truth – you could easily write a book on this topic and I hope you do. Something I relate to from your blog is understanding the different ways we all express love, and if I have a strong picture or expectation of what love looks like, I can miss seeing and feeling the beautiful way someone expresses their love with me.
Beautifully said Melinda and thank you for your appreciation.
Seeking love from someone else is not actually about true love but a false cover for seeking recognition, self-worth or an emotional attachment from another. This is a huge lesson for everyone to come to in their own time as the truth when experienced, shows us that true love cannot be given nor received but is actually a holding of others equally and this naturally extends from a holding of oneself in the first place. This is a fascinating and interesting concept to ponder on, because prior to this we are left under a veil of illusion that love comes as a gift of some sort or is even able to be withheld from us. This is clearly and factually untrue because love is also an unending depth of unwavering absoluteness, on offer at any moment that it is chosen to be felt, it can’t come from someone it’s a continuously living connection that requires us to choose it, to feel it and to live it in full.
What a difference to be held in love by our self, as opposed to seeking it emotionally from another to fill up our own void.
‘love is also an unending depth of unwavering absoluteness, on offer at any moment that it is chosen to be felt, it can’t come from someone it’s a continuously living connection that requires us to choose it, to feel it and to live it in full.’ What a great definition of love
Thank you Cherise. I too knew that my father loved me and would do anything for me but we had a hugless relationship and I now understand that this was because I was holding back so creating the distance between us.
This is a beautiful blog on how it is never to late to bring back love into a relationship, no matter how far apart one feels or how estranged one has become!
Thank you Cherise! I assume a lot of women can relate to what you are sharing here in one way or another as our relationships tends to change especially with dad when we grow up. I wonder if this is because there is a certain idea about how the relationship between a father and his grown up daughter should be and that physical contact is not allowed just because some fathers sexually abuse their daughters. It is really sad if this is the result of a few men behaving wrong, now all teenage girls miss out on the warmth and loving touch of their fathers.
“I heard the three words that I had realised I was once longing to hear, only to confirm within me that I have actually never needed to hear them at all” – this is a beautiful line Cherise. We are all responsible for filling up on our own love and we do not need to rely on others. In fact, we cannot rely on others as they are incapable of filling what only we ourselves can fill.
This is beautiful Cherise and very healing to read. I spend a lot of my childhood seeking recognition from my Dad, wanting him to say he loved me and so on. Yet I knew he loved me. I had an expectation of how I wanted him to show me he loved me. It was as though i set it up to fail and my Dad expressed his love in his way, not in the way I decided I wanted him to. I also carried this on in life and wanted people to show their love for me in the way I dictated. Amongst many other things this was imposing, controlling and allowed no space for true love. I became blind to how others did express their love for me.
Thank-you for this beautiful true story Cherise. No holding back on your expressing true love to your Dad – no holding back on being lovingly honest breaks down those harmful barriers that stop us from truly connecting with each other, keeping us in separation from each other.
Bit of a tear-jerker in that last paragraph, Cherise! Not expressing our love to a parent over many decades is a big hurdle to jump even though it’s only three words. On first utterance it can sound stilted in a relationship that has never gone there, but the expressing of it is the important thing, just getting it said.
Holding back from any expression of love with another feels like an anchored weight in our chests and we literally walk around all day with this and the sense of tension that comes with any lack of expression. It is far more healing and opening to ‘just say’ what is there to be said and when it is done so with the willingness and openness to have, to be and allow more love it is always a winner.
What a beautiful foundation you claimed for your life, to choose a father who genuinely deeply loves you.
Thank you Felix, your comment had my heart melting.
A beautiful sharing Cherise and invites me to look at all my relationships and where I can deepen my connection with others and be more open and loving.
Very beautiful story Cherise.
What a beautiful love letter to yourself and your father this is – I loved to read it. It was a little bit like looking one of the movies, your father has made in the backyard. What you write here feels to me is applicable to every relationship: “I can feel how much it hurts both of us if I hold myself back from honouring the love I naturally am as a beautiful woman from who he naturally is, a deeply tender man.” You have helped me to feel deeper the layers of holding back I still have with so many people in my life! There is so much more to deliver in love.
So true, there is so much more to deliver in love.. so much more that it is immeasurable and unending in depth of beauty and exquisite nature. All we need do is choose to let it out and let it be.
I can feel you are living it, and it is beautiful that by your article and comments you are allowing everyone to feel it. Thanks for your true love, Cherise.
‘I heard the three words that I had realised I was once longing to hear, only to confirm within me that I have actually never needed to hear them at all.’ I too realise that I always knew my father loved me, it was deeply felt, and the words were not needed to confirm this knowing. I feel this is true of all relationships – we know when we are loved.
Yes, this is true of all relationships very generally because when we are not emotionally attached to a person, a seeming stranger for example, we have the space and ease to bring understanding to their position in life and respect that they have come from experiences in which we will never fully know; this then shows us how we hold those we see as close family or friends to more than this, bringing through imposition, expectation or needs of any kind. One way feels spacious and accepting and more true to the relationships and true family of God that we belong to and come from always.
Yes this is so true. And the opposite is also true: saying that you love somebody, does not mean there is actually love. Very often these words are just words, void of love. And to be honest, I used these words with no love in it as well.
Yes, me too Willem. There is a responsibility we carry to express love and that which is true love and not emotional or imposing. Until we experience the fullness and grandness of love within our relationship with ourselves do we know that we are even living a lesser version of what is possible. When this realisation occurs we begin to know the truth again, that love is a beholding from within ourselves and never something we can have or give to another and not others. Love is something we live with ourselves that naturally flows on to all others, if we are loving another more than us or one person over another then that is not true love; and we are left void of the magnitude of love that is constantly available to us and abundant in its depth.
Beautifully said Cherise.
This has touched me deeply Cherise, and I feel a flood of memories in my body of how my Dad and I were together when I was young. I could relate to how your relationship changed when you started to become a woman, and I can see in my own experience how there is so much left unsaid but definitely felt. Its a very confusing time, not only with all the changes happening growing into a woman but also for Fathers of ‘what is acceptable’ and ‘what is not’. This does not need to be, but is what so many in society foster as the ‘norm’ at this stage of life. I have been continually inspired seeing Serge Benhayon with his children, and vice versa, never holding back their absolute love and affection of each other. As you’ve shared Cherise, it is up to each of us to not hold back that same adoring love we have wanted from others, from ourselves.
Yes Aimee, and never hold others to ransom to deliver to us the love that we are, when we are already the most amazingly abundant amount of never-ending love possible! A deep, deep well of love surrounds us and is within when we don’t hold ourselves back from our natural loveliness and the expression that comes with this.
‘But nothing they said or did was ever really enough, I was still holding back, measuring and expecting – waiting for something more.’ Thank you Cherise I can really relate to this and how much loneliness in relationships I have endured because I have been holding the other person to ransom, starting with my father who despite always feeling a connection between us and that he deeply loved me I chose to hold back from him. I am deeply grateful to Serge Benhayon for presenting this understanding so that I was able to heal so many of the hurts I had with regard to my relationship with my father before he died earlier this year.
That’s beautiful Helen.
I am finding that there are many ‘layers’ we can go into in not holding back, thinking that we are opened when we are actually not in fullness reflecting all of who we are to others. Even though we can be more open than before, if we are still holding anything back we are still holding others out and therefore our hearts still ache to be allowed to ‘just be’ and deeply connect in our relationships. To re-imprint such relationships with those around and close to us is a miracle to experience as we then realise we cannot hold back with anyone, anywhere, anymore.
This is inspirational Cherise. I have been waiting for many people as well to open up, or show love to me, in the mean time contracting myself and holding back. Awful. I am making changes now, and this article inspires me to never hold back in showing the full of me in relationships.
Thank you Willem, our further expression continues to inspire me to not hold back the love (and therefore joy) that I am around anyone. What I notice when I do this is that many people react to me in their own way, and to their own choices and this is something I would then use as an excuse to pull back and dampen down who I am. But what is needed now is the commitment to continuing the expansion of love, no matter how far and wide it stretches! and the realisation from others that they have a very clear marker and choices in their own lives to be more of the love they truly are too. It’s a win-win.
Yes indeed Cherise! Me living the full of me, with all the love, joy, power, tenderness I am is not only good for me but also a true present for everyone around me. If they take the present and unwrap it, or throw it away is indeed their choice.
“Just like me, my Dad has his own way of expressing the love he feels. A year ago I told my Dad that I loved him and he reciprocated the sentiment, in that moment I heard the three words that I had realised I was once longing to hear, only to confirm within me that I have actually never needed to hear them at all.” This is gorgeous Cherise. Often we hold people to ransom because of the way we want them to express their love for us when in fact they’ve been loving us all along in the only way they know how. My Dad passed over 19 years ago but where you wrote “I have always known without doubt, that my Dad would do absolutely anything for me at any moment and without hesitation.” reminded me of my Dad and something he said to me and that was that no matter what situation I was in I could always call and he would come and that was his way of letting me know how deeply he cared for and loved me.
Holding people to ransom thwarts our potential to grow in relationship with each other. Well said Deborah.
holding back our love for anyone is hurting ourselves, I can feel how I have held back my love from my parents, but never really left it, I can feel how amazing it is to be with my parents, and share the love that we all know we are.
I can really relate to what you’ve shared here Cherise. In this last year I feel closer to my Dad then ever before and equally closer to the real me than ever before. Every morning we hug and I can feel a warmth in his hands, sometimes I notice this and other times I do not. In those times I do not it is because I have closed myself down firstly. When I do feel that warmth and open myself up more to it there is a depth that I feel within me, that warm, secure place where I know that we are both love.
Thank you for writing this blog Cherise. This is such a great topic and I am inspired to feel into my relationship with my dad.
You are welcome Lieke, what I am learning is that the more open I am to exploring my relationships (with my Dad and beyond to all men and women) the more I deepen my own relationship with myself and the honesty and willingness I am prepared to go to, delving into my own choices and past behaviours and accepting more of the true relationship I dearly offer to all that I am with.
Cherise again, gorgeous blog, it felt so lovely to read. I love how you say you always knew your Dad loved you and the own special way he demonstrated this. It’s our responsibility to express the love we feel but to also acknowledge and appreciate when others express their love which may be different to how we do.
Absolutely and doesn’t it just show us the expectations and pictures of what we each think that love is from our minds and our learnt experiences when true love can be so very much more than our mind could ever get itself around.
So true, all the ideals and beliefs we are fed and then chose to take on get in the way of the love that is right at our doorstep.
Lovely to re-read this blog Cherise. When we fully accept ourselves and the love we are, it is easier to accept and love others. And when we don’t choose love it hurts everyone as you beautifully expressed; ‘I can feel how much it hurts both of us if I hold myself back from honouring the love I naturally am as a beautiful woman from who he naturally is, a deeply tender man’.
The whole world aches to live and to be this depth of love, to be love and to love is our heritage in every way and to have moved anywhere away from this is a constant tension and continued sadness in our bodies to be carried. The amazing thing though, is that with any and every choice we can make, we can simply drop such held energy, drop the stubbornness and embrace the fact that we are the love that is needed in this world. To remind all others that we are all equal in our capacity to be this love and how simply it can be lived.
The more we are simply us the more others can simply be them. Lovely blog Cherise.
Also, the true warmth of true love is actually felt . So in the warmth of that true connection with another I have found often there is no need for the actual words to be expressed.
This is true Suse, there is a warmth we experience and deeply feel far before a word is even uttered.
Absolutely Suse, we feel everything. I remember the warmth of sitting on my Dad’s lap being cuddled and feeling the love between us… no words were needed.
I have experienced a profound change in the relationship between my dad and me. The less I “need” anything from him and the more I just open up to sharing who I am and how much I appreciate him – the more he offers himself. I sometimes think about what was going on all those years when we were both interacting from “behind the shield” so to speak. It’s crazy how much work we need to do to perpetuate separation and how simple it is to re-connect in fact.
Its also true what you say Cherise, the expectations women place on our relationships with men can really cap the potential of those relationships and have an ongoing ripple effect for all our relationships.
It does have a ripple effect onto our relationships with everyone. When we hold expectations or have needs for someone to do certain things or be a certain way we are already holding an imposition over them that is not allowing of them to just be themselves, whatever that is for them. We can be in relationships and expect more from certain people, than we do from a distant friend or stranger for example and this is crazy when you would think it would be those closest to us that we allowed and wanted to be themselves the most. At the end of the day, it is not Ok to impose our expectations on anyone, when we do we lose out on the great amount of love that is possible in holding another and understanding who they are from the depths of understanding of who we are.
Yes Helen, we often just think of how something feels for ourselves, but so much would have been going on for our dad’s if and when we pulled away. I’m getting to appreciate the other side now with being a parent, and what it feels like when my boys pull away as they grow into young men. It’s very interesting, and I’m understanding a lot more about my parents, and how I expected them to be and know everything.
The relationship with my parents is where I am finding it most challenging to be truly accepting and express love. It is very difficult to accept their choices when I see them starting to show vulnerability and fragility as they become less vital and confident as an individual with their age and deteriorating physicality. Your sharing was deeply touching and is a great inspiration for me. Thank you, Cherise.
So beautiful, Cherise. Your love and honouring of yourself, your Dad and all others is deeply felt.
Reading the blog brought up alot for me – I have absolutely subscribed to the ‘Do It All’ Dad who silently, competently and steadfastly gets it all done. But also living the trap of not sharing my tenderness, my fragility… and I know its my two daughters that can help me with that as they have grown into beautiful young women. Thanks for the reminder Cherise.
This is so beautiful simonwilliams8, showing the world that we are not only all equal, we can all inspire each other and behold a wisdom with no age limitation. There is a palpable joy! with this understanding, when we surrender and allow it so.
Perfect to read this today Cherise, as I am looking at my own relationship with my father. But what really struck me was this line: and taken responsibility for the fact that I had been holding back from him. Resonates deeply with myself. Thank you Cherise for your powerful sharing…
Likewise for me – reading this blog has been very timely for me as I too have recently spent some time with my dad after not seeing him for close to a decade, and it was beautiful to feel how I was able this time to open myself up and let myself really love him and let him into my heart. Amazing when we allow ourselves to love more and let ourselves be fully seen.
We all have our own way in expressing the love that we feel, I am realizing that more and more. I can relate to the recognition and wanting for men to say certain things and how much they love me. Over the years I have developed more love for myself and today so much less need in wanting something. I also have a deeper understanding that we all show our love and care in different expressions and there is no right or wrong.
This is a great revelation to hold Mariette, for when we truly know love we don’t require it from anyone. In fact, we learn and understand that no-one can actually ever give us love, they can only live love and by virtue of their quality hold us in its abundance.
Thank you Cherise, for such a beautiful sharing of the love you have come to feel and know that is within you and reconnecting with that love and to your Dad.
A beautiful sharing of relationship. It is not noticed while it is happening – the choice to start separating from self. The reflection in our relationships with others starts to drop hints about what is happening but until we choice deep self love and self devotion, our awareness of this fact is dulled. Your Gentleness and Grace Cherise can be felt in every word you have written. Thank you again for encouraging more conscious awareness in our relationship with self first and then with others.
This is a deeply beautiful and honest blog Cherise. As we grow up we do change as we move away from the love that we truly are, from being hurt, being protective and feeling like we, our love, are not enough. We so often look outside of ourselves for reasons as to why we are feeling a ‘lack of love’ in our relationships. I love how you chose to take responsibility for how you were feeling with your Dad. Though this honesty you realised that you had changed. This is so powerful. And with your re-connection to the love that you, and we all naturally are, were able to re-connect to and appreciated the love you both are and shared. And still share. You have invited me to deepen this appreciation of love that is and always has been naturally there with my Dad. And to consider how the change between us came from me not letting him in as used to when I was younger. It is so beautiful to feel how there is always more love to explore. Inspiring Cherise – thank you.
The blog is like an invitation for Dad’s and Daughters to simply reconnect… the love is all still there, but hidden and protected by a history of pretending and hiding that builds up over the years.
A reminder that the choice to connect is always there. No different to the fact that our tenderness and sensitivity is present always and requires no hiding away; when we begin to feel the tenderness in ourselves and let that be seen we seed a true way forward for all men in our lives (and women) to also connect to and appreciate their own level of tenderness. It’s a strength in who we are and brings a depth of beauty to our lives and our families that is immeasurable.
Absolutely gorgeous Cherise. You have given me much to ponder on here in my own holding back in my relationship with my parents. There is no point waiting to hear those magic words “I love you” from another person as we could all be holding back and waiting a lifetime. For us to receive love, we first of all must give it to ourselves. Be love… (isn’t there a song about that?)
I love the tender and super honoring way you wrote this, Cherise. Beautiful to take responsibility in our part of any relationship. I had this feeling with God as well. Like I blamed him for not being there in my life, while I was the one pulling back. God was always there with unwavering love.
‘God was always there with unwavering love.’ So true Monika and an ouch moment when realising how often I have felt deserted in my life and that it was me choosing to leave myself and therefore I couldn’t recognise the love that was always there from God and other people.
God is absolute and unwavering and it certainly is us that choose to disconnect from the truly divine connection and beauty that we have with God and ourselves. Once we reconnect, we remember that we have no issues, no concerns and no need to be anything more than the love that we are in each moment, this is gold when we understand and realign to our love and that of others; we are again supported to allow others to be where they are in their own lives and process and choose the never-ending depth of love and wisdom that is God’s/our love to fill us up.
And what I also love about God, besides him never leaving us with his unwavering love, he never judged us for pulling out. He simply is there with all the love he is and supports us all the way.
This is true compassion isn’t it, something for us all to build a relationship with.. to hold another in love despite their choices and path chosen. knowing in full that it is not and never personal and also perfect for what that person needs to discover for themselves, in their own time. The more we express about this understanding of others, the more freedom we have in our own bodies to move and choose a way of living that reflects our choices to care for ourselves and in doing this we naturally hold others in love too.
Absolutely Cheriseholt, God has true compassion. We can be understanding and accepting of another’s choices and at the same time reflect our loving choices and hold them naturally in the deepest love.
What a great blog, it’s opened me up to deeper consider the quality of connection between my father and I from young and note the differences in ages. How the innocence of joyful and connected childhood can turn into disconnection and a given up-ness through to superficiality as adults. Powerful to realise that we’re the ones who’ve done this to ourselves, i.e. the withdrawal from connection, which in turn removes any blame we may have towards them.
This is a beautiful blog Cherise, I notice that I also began holding back from my dad and I was wanting to say for a while that it was him that was pulling away. Although he was pulling away I was equally doing the same. When I chose to connect more with my dad when I was in my mid teens it was uncomfortable at first for us both but so worth it, now I can share my love and appreciation for my dad and cuddle him and there is nothing uncomfortable about it. We know and trust that we can be that way with each other.
Beautiful conformation that we can’t feel the love of others until we truly love ourselves. “When I feel the love of simply being me, I can feel how lovely he is to.”
To live in this way where you absolutely know how beautiful you are, and can really just be yourself, while seeing how beautiful everyone else is and being able to just let them be themselves takes all of the expectation and hurt out of life. Living like this we can just be.. it takes ten tonnes off.
An absolutely gorgeous sharing… a love story indeed.
This is very beautiful Cherise, thank you. I can really relate to “I had been holding back from him”. I, now, do feel and know that “my Dad has his own way of expressing the love he feels” and that is very beautiful and special to me.
Allowing in the natural beauty of our parents is not always easy since there are so many emotional issues around that relationship. However, as you have shared, ‘ending the war’ and accepting it as it is is only natural and truly honouring to the fact that we are both Sons of God equally.
“As I grew he would enjoy being playful with me, giving me a horsey-ride to my bedroom at bed time” – I loved reading your blog Cherise. This part reminded me how my dad used to carry us in a towel and give us a “towel ride” downstairs after our bath.
I love coming back to your blog Cherise, each time I read it I find myself being more aware of my feelings not just about my father but with my relationship with everyone and how any holding back however small it maybe is reflected back at me in everyone I meet.
I love this too Alison, the blog itself continues to live and to expand with each new day. The more I find that there is more for me to not hold back with .. the more I find out that there is even more. A confirmation to me that there is no depth to the love that we are, can live and can bring to each other all the time.
Beautifully put: ‘ The more I find that there is more for me to not hold back with .. the more I find out that there is even more. A confirmation to me that there is no depth to the love that we are, can live and can bring to each other all the time.’ I absolutely agree.
Thank you Cherise for this inspiring read. It brought tears to my eyes because it reminded me of the relationship I had with my own parents, especially my father, who has since passed away. It took me a while to see that I was the one holding them both at a distance and because they were the parents, waiting for them to fix everything that was wrong with our relationship.
Awesome sharing Julie, I would say that my relationship with my father continues to heal on a deeper level all of the time – as I allow myself to ‘let others in’ more and more – and what am I letting them in to? Well, that’s to seeing how truly beautiful, special and uniquely delicate and true I really am.
Beautifully honest story Cherise, thank you for sharing it.
I also appreciate the honesty in the blog
Beautiful and inspiring blog Cherise. Reading your blog, I had a small bout of sadness because being a product of a one night stand, I have never known my father but when I got to the part when you say ‘However it has been nothing either given or said to me by another, it has presented through a deep connection to me and the unfolding of a deep self-love of who I am. With this love, I know I am truly beautiful, and that I actually am love so I don’t need to search for it with anyone else and I don’t need anyone to tell me this to know it as truth’, it reminded me that I am enough as I am and if we love ourselves we don’t need to look outside of us for anything.
Hear hear Tim, let us confirm this for ourselves in each and every moment that we choose to.
Cherise I can totally relate to looking for my relationship with myself, in my relationship with others, especially family and people close. You’ve also reminded me how I’ve often thought of my parents being responsible for making the first move when it comes to love, rather than understanding they are just people learning like me, and I am fully and equally responsible for loving them and being the first to make a move, or the first to say it’s ok to just be open and not hold back.
Absolutely true, I love this Meg. It is our responsibility to not hold back on what is love and to not put the responsibility or expectation onto another person to bring it first. Why wait.. especially when love is such a gorgeously delicious and magnificent quality to be held by.
I’ve experienced my daughters leading the way to more love – its inspiring, educational and of course flips the ‘normal’ pattern of everything being passed down by elders to the next generation. We can all feel, equally so, and if they are feeling more of what is going on then being open to that is going to help me evolve, as well as be inspired by them (which of course I should tell them as well!)
Re-reading your blog Cherise I can feel the extent of the harm we cause to ourselves and others when we hold back the love that is naturally within us. My father died many years ago but I can feel now how I began to hold back in my teens, and how that changed our relationship as I pulled away, wanting to find my own way in life. I can feel that pulling away created a hardness in me that he could feel. I feel a sadness as I write this because I had shut out the memories of how close we were when I was young, the times when we shared an understanding that needed no words.
A beautiful honesty alisonmoir, and a confirmation that it is never too late to bring healing to ourselves and our relationships.
Thank you Jane, a confirmation for all of us that we can reconnect to anyone, no matter where they are and we do so with an openness that can be deeply felt.
I shared a delicious moment of connection with my father recently. We had been dropped off to walk a short distance to where our family gathering was being held. Dad and I have always got on well together and, as we walked along, our hands brushed. I followed the impulse and we ended up walking along hand-in-hand reminiscing about the times we had walked like this when I was a child. Both of us deeply relished this special time of togetherness and the creation of another pearl of joy in our lives!
Wow, deeply beautiful Judith, thank you for sharing such a delightful and playful moment. Being affectionate with my dad is something that I still hold back from at times, I can feel there is a deeper awareness that I must trust within myself, to naturally know when something feels true and is not imposing, and is a healing that we both deserve to experience together.
Recently, during a visit with my parents, many issues arose to be dealt with that had just been ignored or suppressed, especially with my mother. I really claimed myself and how I felt about many things relating to how I was raised, and the current relationship dynamic with my parents and family in general, and this was challenging to hear for my parents. The beautiful thing was when we all went for a walk in the woods together after my wife wisely suggested to me beforehand that nothing more will be resolved through talking, only by being open and understanding. All 5 of us held hands and helped each other navigate the windy, hilly trail, and in that moment we were all together in harmony without saying a word. A great lesson for us all.
A beautiful lesson, thank you for sharing michaelgoodhart36. We could talk until the cows come home about some things, but without real compassion and understanding for ourselves and each other we won’t really get back to what is love.
This sounds and feels super familiar Cherise – in fact, it could have been me!
Thank you.
Cherise, I have found your article to be an awesome reflection for me. As a child who is now an adult, I found I was holding demands over my parents for them to be super human when in actual fact all I wanted was to build a loving relationship with them, although I expected them to do this as well. Now I am growing up and choosing to foster the relationship I really want with them, it is never to late to start.
Absolutely Toni, it is never too late to redefine our relationships with more loving foundations and true connections, and as we do so we learn that there is no depth to the connection we can take things to. Also, I am continually learning just how beautiful it is to appreciate my parents for the natural qualities they bring, there is a whole new space to do this when we are not caught up in ‘what they do’ as opposed to ‘who they simply are’.
It is amazing how we know someone loves us and yet we continually want it confirmed to us. While we are waiting for that confirmation we are holding back our own love, and that is the hurt we feel, our own holding back. Cherise it was lovely to read about your Dad, because I know I have done this too, and then from my father I have gone on to hold back from other people.
I agree Alison, I went on to hold back from what felt like every person; as I have learnt for myself that when I hold back from one person I am equally unable to be love with the next person either .. a vicious cycle that kept me hiding all of my love away, and investing in other people to bring me the love that I thought I needed when in truth there is no neediness in true love.
This account of your reconnecting to the ever presence of love with your dad is beautiful, Cherise.
A great line Cherise… “I know I am truly beautiful, and that I actually am love so I don’t need to search for it with anyone else”.
Thank you Rod, it is definitely a line that I am claiming more and more for myself, as it holds so much wisdom.
Thanks Cherise, a beautiful blog. As a father with two daughters I could feel the absolute truth in your words.
Cherise, thank you for writing your blog – I could relate to so much of it and it was deeply felt. Lately I feel that I have been re-connecting to my dad. He has always been a deeply sensitive man, who seemed comfortable to reveal this to me as a young girl but as I grew he seemed to hide this side of himself from me. He became so hard and full of expectations, demanding perfect behaviour, good grades and external beauty. He became all about the outside and if I expressed any emotion other than happiness I would feel him recoil, so I accepted that to get his attention I needed to appear perfect.
Since attending Universal Medicine presentations I have been reconnecting to the love that I truly am and have been reflecting on my need for outside recognition. I have healed a lot of childhood hurts that were holding me back from being the ‘real’ me and I have felt how this has had such a positive effect on all my relationships.
Now when I am with my dad, I am play-full and don’t hold back. He just melts in my presence and it is an absolute joy to see. The other day we were together in his vegie garden just chatting and a moment for truth presented itself and I said to him “Papa, you know I know that you really are a very sensitive and gentle man and this tough dad thing is just an act”. I said it with such love that he just stopped and had tears well up in his eyes, he was delighted and he felt deeply met. The moment then passed and we went back to talking basil. It was a lovely moment of connection and a new marker for our relationship.
I have absolute, heartfelt gratitude for Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. Serge’s livingness and presentations have reflected another way of being. The Esoteric Modalities presented through Universal Medicine have supported me to heal my hurts and reconnect lovingly to my dad. Thank you for your blog.
Wow Bianca, thank you for equally inspiring me by sharing your experience with your dad, I have been able to feel now that anytime I am not feeling the tenderness and sensitivity my dad is, I am actually not feeling it within (and for) myself first and this is a sensation within my own body that does not sit well .. I nominate that I can’t wait to return to being tender with me and in turn with others and make my own choices to do so. Tenderness feels so natural in my body and when I feel this way I already know it is equally within any other.
What a beautiful love story Cherise.
I can relate so much to the words “I can feel how much it hurts both of us if I hold myself back from honouring the love I naturally am as a beautiful woman from who he naturally is, a deeply tender man”. I am recognising this applies to all relationships.
I am continually recognising this also Suzanne, how I am and if I am holding back the love I feel within myself from anyone it deeply hurts and feels far from my natural way of living. It’s a work in progress to ‘let love in’, know myself as love, and to share my love with others whilst accepting love back for myself.
I feel this too Suzanne and Cherise. It is that deep love for myself that I miss when I start to look for it in others. It feels very beautiful to start to hold myself in this self-love for who I am, a work in progress too but very well worth it.
Me too Lieke. Along the way the majority of the world has learnt to look outside of ourselves for love. Discovering that holding back is not the answer and that actually letting others in as an act of love and self acceptance in itself has been a big but very valuable learning curve for me.
This is huge and valuable for all of us Helen, reminding ourselves that true love comes from and lives within us and cannot be something that is delivered to us from outside. It’s a massive realisation and one that supports all of us to know that we are actually our number one support for ourselves when we connect to our love.
I’ve experienced this too Suzanne… I used to think that holding myself back would protect me from feeling hurt etc., but I’m now realising that this is the very thing that hurts me the most. The more I express – in all relationships – the more I feel the love I naturally am, and that others naturally are too, regardless of whether or not they are choosing to live this.
This is very important for the growth and evolution of the whole world, because when we don’t hold ourselves back and deepen our religion or connection with ourselves and therefore bring this to others, it is a healing for everyone.