by Denise Cavanough, aged 56, Brisbane
Over the years that I have been seeing Serge Benhayon and attending Universal Medicine presentations and talks, I can say that nothing he has said has made me feel uncomfortable, squirm in my seat or want to run away. Not until recently have I felt like I was confronted, stopped in my tracks, cut to the bone; felt like I wanted to throw a tantrum and run away kicking and screaming like a child (I think you will be getting the picture).
This all came about when my daughter Shannon sent me a text in reply to mine, saying that it was ok to stay the night, but to have organised it before, not just as an afterthought, and not without consideration for her plans. This called a stop to a behavior that I had been doing and, I now recognise, that my mother had also done to me.
I can now feel how I had (as a mother) this thread of a feeling that my now adult children owed me. That because I had more life experience I knew better, and I could fix things for them my way, instead of letting them come to things in their own time, or waiting to be asked. I felt how in some ways I had taken our relationship for granted, thinking just because they are my children, I had the right to tell them what I thought they should do. I thought this was loving, but now I felt how controlling it could be. I remembered how I had felt when my mum gave me unwarranted advice, and would not leave me to come to things in my own way.
This triggered a chain of events in me that was far bigger than I could have ever realised.
How had I allowed this to go on between mum and me and never put a stop to it?
I felt so angry. I had no idea what I was feeling at the time, but I knew it was HUGE. I had not felt anything like this before, only that I wanted to run away.
My body was screaming and I could feel that I didn’t want to face it. But there was no way I was running away from whatever it was. So I stopped.
From that short text, I had got to feel how I had never truly honoured and loved myself. By my daughter Shannon, also a mother, showing me the love she held for herself, I got to feel how I had never chosen true self-love for me. How I had always put my children first – I would do anything for them, in total disregard for me, never considering how it felt for me. No wonder I was kicking and screaming so much, it was H U GE.
I had spent a lifetime mastering this, thinking that this was what mothering was about. I loved being a mother, but I was mothering at the expense of me, and could see how mum had done the same all her life.
By Shannon saying truthfully what she felt, she reflected to me all the choices I had made that were not loving for me. It hurt me deeply to see what I had been choosing for myself. Since then I have had a great unfolding, allowing me to discover more of myself.
I have been seeing the same patterns running through my relationship with my mum, habits that I had taken on that mum had done. I’m seeing a stop to these patterns, a break in generations of this behavior. The buck stops here. By calling it out for what it is, it has stopped – it has run its course with me.
It is amazing to have felt all the changes I have made since that day. I had never allowed myself to stop and feel how the choices I was making were affecting my life, my children’s and grandchildren’s. They are now seeing the way I am making different choices, and becoming more loving to myself and others.
By holding on to mothering in that way, I was not allowing myself to claim time to nurture me, the lovely me, the beauty-full me, the gentle me, to treat myself tenderly, to speak to myself in a loving way, to adore me and cherish the amazing woman I have become.
I feel that through having attended presentations by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I am seeing things in my life through different eyes. By taking responsibility for my choices, this has changed my life. I wanted to get to truth, no matter what. I can no longer blame anything that comes into my life on others – it has been my choice.
Self-love can only be where there is truth.
That’s my miracle for today.
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
This is always so powerful to read Denise. Although I did not have kids I still mothered, and I did so with total disregard to myself and was overly involved in the lives of others. It wasn’t until I found the work of Serge Benhayon that I started to put me first, to nurture and cherish me and focus more on my own life and needs. This actually turned out to be such a blessing for those around me – a woman who loves herself is a very powerful presence and reflection.
When we are willing and open to embrace the truth, to being honest with ourselves about the degree of loving choices we are making, we will discover the great liberation that unfolds for us to live more of who we really are.
The beauty of self-love is that the bi-product is an equal and beholding love being expressed to others. That’s the thing… it’s all pro’s with self-love.. no con’s.
Mothering is for sure not in truth smothering.
How great it is when we are able to see our own patterns so clearly, and own them for what they are.
Yes Victoria – an in owning them we can take responsibility for them and know that they are and never were who we are.
Mothering is such a huge topic because it doesn’t end with our children, I feel how we can put this controlling way of living with the idea we are ‘doing good in every relationship. With our husband, our friends and also in work. I see it a lot in nursing too, we don’t value ourselves first before anything else and use this pattern to keep the system going.
All the tantrums and blaming we throw out towards others is a great big distraction from facing the relationship we have with ourselves. Thank you for this reminder.
It’s great to truly listen to others no matter where they may be perceived as standing in society. If we are open to it everyone we see has a reflection for us, one part maybe louder at the time as this article presents. This ‘louder’ reflection is there for us to deal with and we only need bring simple awareness to whatever the part is for it to change. So often we think we need to do something with something when in fact a huge part of this process is simply just allowing yourself to feel and see what is being presented to you. We are naturally intelligence and some may say bodily intelligence and so in that way we only need give our body permission to do it’s thing.
This is a great example of how very possible it is to break through patterns that have been continued through generations. And as you show it just takes one person to do so, to reflect that there is another way, which then allows for inspiration.
Denise your honesty here is inspirational and when we can be honest with ourselves and each other, it opens up a lot a whole deeper level of awareness of what is going on in our lives. Sometimes I know it can be painful and even excruciating to really feel and face the rawness and honesty of what is going on and what our part in it is, but from my experience it is worth doing for it frees us from what would otherwise be a prison of the same patterns and behaviours playing out over and over again which deep down we know we do not like. If we are not honest we cannot heal or end these patterns we can only subvert or cover up or distract from the uneasiness or emptiness that we feel when caught in this merry go round of illusion.
Truly honouring and respecting ourselves then reflects in our relationships with others and everything we do…
So true Jenny, as such we naturally inspire each other to live the truth of who we are. And the beautiful thing is that we can be inspired by anyone of any age, if we are open to it.
If we do anything in disregard of ourselves whether it is with family, friends, colleagues, strangers or when we are alone we are in disregard and, in that, causing harm to ourselves and by extension to everyone else. only by taking responsibility of this fact can we begin to turn things around. It is likely to be a rocky road at the beginning for we are starting anew on a well worn track taking us in a direction we no longer are choosing. There can feel like a force wanting us to go back to doing what we have always done but like tacking in sailing we have to stay very attentive and keep on top of the barrage of thoughts that might want to take us off course and stay true to our intention and steer our own ship, not with force to counter the force but with a strength of focus, deliberateness, power and love.
What a beautiful story of graciously accepting the reflection on offer, taking it and running with it. What a healing from a simple text.
So many mothers mother at huge expense of themselves, ‘I had always put my children first – I would do anything for them, in total disregard for me, never considering how it felt for me.’ A great realisation and opportunity to heal this false pattern.
It is so common for parents to give advice thinking they are helping, but it actually feels horrible, I always hated it when my parents gave me advice, ‘I had felt when my mum gave me unwarranted advice, and would not leave me to come to things in my own way.’
Self-love is a step towards yourself before there is love.
Beautifully expressed Denise. I always find that the things that make me react the most hold the key to the biggest healing and your story demonstrates this so well.
When I took responsibility for my choices the veil that I had been hiding behind just dropped away which gave me so much understanding of my past choices and at the same time, I knew all I had to do was make new choices to self-care and self-nurture and it began with baby steps, with one new step leading to another. Today my life has transformed, all the drama and emotions I once bought into and controlled me are no longer there. My life has become simpler and uncomplicated, and I am being constantly confirmed of the sweet, gorgeous and wise woman that I am, and that we all are when we so choose it.
The role of parenting is so thick with illusion and so tightly bound and held by the many ideals, belief and pictures that breaking can be attempted many times before it truly happens. Today I too, celebrate the honesty and calling out of old patterns by my adult children for it is their honest reflection that allows me to see the unhealthy attachment I hold to them. This blog has been so supportive Denise – Thank you.
It is beautiful to read Denise that you were so open and willing to look at this deep held pattern and to take responsibility for your part in letting it go. Too often many parents feel a sense of ownership over their children and don’t treat them with respect or as an equal, the choice you made to stop and review your behaviour has bought many including yourself a deep healing.
Self love can only be where there is truth; what a responsibility we have to know and feel the truth. I love what you have expressed in this blog Denise, it is loving, nurturing and very inspiring, thank you.
This blog blows me away. I have such appreciation for ‘The way of the Livingness’ when I hear and read stories such as yours Denise. It offers a way to be with another that is based on truth and not emotions, and in this true love can be lived.
I love the true relationship that was allowed to establish by you taking what Shannon said and living through your initial reaction. It’s very confronting when our comfortable Ways are exposed and our way of life needs to adjust, but wow look at the growth you both had from so doing, well worth it!
It’s a pretty amazing moment when you realise that the buck stops with you. In my case there has been a cycle of self-abuse that has continued unchecked throughout my family. I have now seen this clearly, felt how it is playing out in my life and my relationship with abuse. It will not continue past me. It stops here.
Self-love can only be where there is truth. This is such an awesome truth Denise, one that I have come to know the value of in so many ways.
To demand anything energetically from another is to not be in true relationship, full stop.
That said, we have been bombarded from day one, with expectations and demands, roles that ‘should’ be played and the rest – and so every step we take in recognising what is not true, and releasing others from the hold of our own demands, expectations and needs, is deeply important and powerful for all concerned. Offering the opportunity to set the relationship at a whole other level, in a whole other playing field – where we may actually grow, rather than perpetuate the ‘same old’ that has gone for perhaps generations before, that truly we must ask, hasn’t really got humanity anywhere…
Being owed (or having that feeling) is a way of moving in life that is abusive based on a hurt that makes us believe we are entitled to this way of movement.
Although taking responsibility for everything that occurs in my life makes absolute sense to me I have not found it easy. It is a step by step process uncovering more about myself through the reflections in my life. Those closest to me are my biggest reflections hence they have triggered the most intense reactions in me but recently I got to feel and become more aware of my ill-behaviours which I found to be quite revealing.
It is very beautiful to feel that we are all teachers and that when we have an ideal or image that teaching can only be one sided, we miss out on some very important and life changing lessons.
The image of mothering and its whereabouts is a killer for mothers. Mothering (like fathering) is an expression through which old hurts, beliefs, concepts, emotions make their way into the present. We have to be aware of it.
To have and hold the self love to speak up no matter to whom it is, is so honouring of oneself. I have found myself in Shannon’s shoes on several occasions having to speaking up and then carrying it out what I have said which I have found to be the most difficult part. People respect me and do not have expectations like they did before that I will drop everything to fit in with their plans.
When we allow ourselves to see things as an offering to learn and grow, we enter a evolutionary relationship. The way all our relationship should be. Very beautiful Denise.
Many parents feel that they have rights over their children and I have felt this in the past also. Like you, Denise, I am deeply grateful to my children for calling out this behaviour which has allowed me to peel off another layer of the deep disregard i held myself in.
Denise, this is an amazing account of your willingness to look at what is in the way between you and LOVE and to actually take the steps and the responsibility to remove these self-created obstacles, which is as you share not always done without resistance and some kicking and screaming but certainly liberates us to express more of who we are.
When we do express truthfully, with love, then everyone has the opportunity to reconfigure…
Mothering is such a big issue that is often deeply ingrained in everything we do. What I have come to realise is that even when I think I am not mothering I am.
A very real and relatable blog Denise. There is such a magic when a parent and son/daughter and a ‘best friend’ relationship, as opposed to a mother/father – son/daughter one.
Denise , this has also been such a huge topic for me, and no doubt for so many mothers and how they have mothered. I had realized how controlling and imposing i have been in my behaviour towards my own daughters, but never known how to overcome this. As i now know and continue to learn and practise that by focussing on myself first, taking care of me, how i feel, what i need, appreciating and accepting what i feel and know, I can carry myself in wisdom and love. There is now more space in me and my relationships with others, as i accept myself more and more as i am. I recognize that I do not need to make ‘things’ right in the world , or ‘right wrongs’ with my children or others to get a sense of satisfaction that i am ‘mothering’ right. Just being there to listen, (without needing to fix anything) is all that is needed often.
I can relate to believing that telling others what to do, how to do things, or giving advice is helpful when it actually can be quite imposing. What I have learned now is that the true way is actually to live something ourselves and reflect it to others, allowing another the space to make whatever choices they need to without imposition. For me, when I’m invested in an outcome (another being or doing what I want or need) then in comes the interfering way of imposing advice etc. Its a great learning you have shared Denise.
Thank you Denise I loved what you have shared i can so relate to what you have said, I too loved being a mother and thought by advising my children that was a loving thing to do all the while with no love for myself and no true love for my children. I have learnt to gradually cut the ties and allow both myself and my children to be responsible for our own choices, my choice to self love and and self caring can reflect to them a different way of being with no more telling them what to do.
Jill, i love this … ‘my choice to self love and and self caring can reflect to them a different way of being with no more telling them what to do’.
Wow Denise I love your honesty! What you have shared can change the way of being a mother: “I loved being a mother, but I was mothering at the expense of me, and could see how mum had done the same all her life.” With this kind of change our children will never live at the expense of themselves – how powerful is it to be a true mother!
Denise,
Realising where we are living that is in some way controlling or over powering of another hurts us deeply for we know innately that this is not how we want to be. We like to think that we are not being this way and when it is exposed to us by another it is this inner knowing that we have disregarded ourselves, our love our tenderness that we then want to not feel how much it hurts. But hurt it does and like you share Denise it is only when it is exposed that we then reflect on the choices we have made and begin to make different choices.
“I was mothering at the expense of me, and could see how mum had done the same all her life.”. These words could have been easily written by me and I am sure the majority of mothers in the world. Our mothers are such pivotal teachers in this world and so it follows that we as children take on board so many of our beliefs from them; what they do simply becomes what we do, without question. How amazing Denise that when you were offered this wonderful lesson from Shannon, instead of staying stuck in the belief that you have lived by for so long, you chose to learn and grow from it.
What a great line Denise, “Self-love can only be where there is truth.” and how true this is. We cannot make changes until we feel the honesty and truth about whether choices are truly working for us (and others) or not. So simple.
Great to read this… gives me pause to consider what I take for granted with my kids, the expectations I have of them.. rather than just seeing them for who they truly are, stripped of all the things I have put on them.. the gorgeous human beings that they have always been.
Denise with your amazing blog your are not only changing your life you are offering every mother the opportunity to change as well. To reveal what you have revealed is gold. “That because I had more life experience I knew better, and I could fix things for them my way, instead of letting them come to things in their own time, or waiting to be asked.”
What you’ve shared here Denise reveals the beauty of what we offer one another by way of reflection.
“By holding on to mothering in that way, I was not allowing myself to claim time to nurture me, the lovely me, the beauty-full me, the gentle me, to treat myself tenderly, to speak to myself in a loving way, to adore me and cherish the amazing woman I have become.” I can so relate Denise. As a mother I gave myself over to my children, also to the detriment of my relationship with my husband. But now – as a grandmother – I claim my time – to go to bed often before my young grand-children for example, because I now value myself first.
A beautiful lesson in cutting the apron strings of being a mother and allowing our children to show us how to be the woman we are.
Mothering has been the biggest learning. How to carry through with what I feel is true, against the wiliest of consciousnesses, and the moment self-doubt comes in – all is lost. And then everything turns into the most amazing celebration of connection. I have learnt and am still learning so much.
True responsibility is to live equally with everybody else and not stay attached to roles and behaviors we have accumulated during our life. Our choices to be true have to reflect the all and cannot be based on individual identification. A great blog on how to let go of one of the biggest consciousnesses we have on earth, which is the role of the mother.
Self responsibility is the most empowering choice we can make. We get to feel that the level of love, care and acceptance in our life is completely a reflection of our choices and not because of how anyone else is or anyone else’s actions towards us or themselves. It’s easy for a mother to ride her success and happiness off the back of her children’s success and happiness but in truth there is an emptiness that remains unable to be filled until we fill it ourselves.
Although I am not a parent, I can see one of the greatest gifts any parent could give their child is the space and grace to grow and foster who they truly are.
Knowing that true self-love and responsibility go hand in hand is the easy part. Accepting and putting it into action takes commitment and your willingness to make that commitment to honour and cherish yourself is inspiring. Really love what you have expressed here Denise that “Self-love can only be where there is truth”.
Denise it is great to expose living an ideal that hides under the auspice of being unselfish but is actually selfish and affecting many close to us – this is a great reading and understanding of taking on the mothering role and what may be felt to be owed through taking it on and how coming back to oneself as a woman first offers so much for oneself and others through self love.
A revisit to your sharing Denise has been needed, for me to re-assess where I am at in the Motherhood stakes! I can see that I need to step back every now and then to do this and take more tender care of me again. It is true we need to allow our children to make their own decisions and mistakes along the way as we did, they are more than capable adults and if they need support they know they can ask. Thank you Denise, a truly inspiring sharing.
A great blog that highlights the power of a simple reflection to expose a lifelong pattern and shatter the casing it’s been held in so that we can’t help but start to make different choices.
Wow Denise – I (and I’m confident many others) can very much relate to your experiences of mothering in a way that disregards yourself. It’s a web I am working on unravelling. There is such strong cultural norms around mothering that I can totally see where I, my mother, grandmother etc have all fallen into line with common thinking and behaviours of the times. How controlling and imposing is this behaviour on others, let alone loveless towards everyone, especially myself! Definitely time to make different choices!
As we are in the midst of the Christmas season, an issue that has arisen for me is the power that I have given away to family in the past. So I can totally relate to what you have written Denise, Thank you
Your blog is such a brilliant example of the power of speaking up and out when something is not right – and not allowing it to fester. That your daughter expressed to you what was true for her allowed you to completely re-evaluate your behaviour, come to a deeper realisation about what was truly at play, heal some old hurts and move on gracefully, for the good of you all. A win:win in anyone’s books! The key ingredients? Feedback that is lovingly given, with understanding of the other and not an ounce of judgment.
The fact that our choices bring us all our situations, good, bad and ugly has been presented by Serge Benhayon constantly and consistently. I can feel in myself a hesitation towards feeling my choices at various times but in those moments it’s like I completely forget that I have a whole collection previous choices to feel the results of my choices. And the choice always remains the same, to be love and then I get to feel that love and also the part which is not love that has been allowed and accepted and created. The choice remains the same, only the depth becomes grander, both good and bad and what this blog has reminded me of was the fact that with grander love gets exposed equally the not love, but that lack of love is not greater. Thank you Denise.
True Carola, and honouring ourselves first is not exclusive to mothering but applies to any relationship… Whether this be work, family, friends, etc.
Beautiful Angela. Yes agreed there is no limit to the Love we can live for ourselves and share with all.
I recognise living just as a mother without honoring the beautiful tender and wise woman I am. It is such a painful exercise and your blog is a great inspiration to deepen the relationship with myself and adore and cherish my gorgeousness.
Thank you for sharing this moment of revelation, Denise. And being a mother, I have learned that mothering at the expense of myself and therefore the children also is not worth it – it is a no win situation for anyone and no one grows.
What a great gift for you from Shannon and wonderful that you embraced the learning and wanted only truth. Much appreciation for you both.
‘From that short text, I had got to feel how I had never truly honoured and loved myself.’ Thank you so much for your honesty Denise, I have found it uncomfortable to recognise the same patterns in me which I have worked on but can feel that there is a deeper level to address now. I can really relate to losing myself in the mothering role and not taking care of myself and even though I have made changes how I still have an investment in my daughter being OK and wanting to fix her so as not to feel her hurt and what that reflects to me. This feels HUGE and I feel deeply inspired by your commitment.to taking responsibility for your choices and getting to truth.
Denise this a precious sharing because it is so easy to fall into patterns of inappropriate over-mothering if this has been the family norm. I valued my children far more than I valued myself, but recently one of my daughters shared how much she just wanted a mum to have fun with, and not the self-sacrificing kind. The tendency to be interfering comes from too much identification with the mothering role. The more I love and honour myself the less I fall into this trap.
It would appear so easy to blame the other or go into the wrongness of our ill choice/behaviour etc when it gets exposed. But what this blog confirmed to me was that stopping in that moment is far healthier than reacting.
Wow, we are not to know what an amazing gift we share by simply speaking the truth from our hearts. By accepting Shannon’s offering Denise, you were able to break out of the mould that had been encasing and limiting the full expression of the amazing woman within. You being you is a gift of gold that everyone can celebrate, open no strings attached, with many happy returns.
There is an enormous amount of hurt that is hidden and covered up and buried in the average person’s life as they strive to be good whether as a parent, lover or employee…. Universal Medicine always presents a life changing opportunity to heal these deep hurts, to know ourselves, and then to bring the beauty of who we truly are to all our relationships.
Lovely to read this honest account of what mothering is and what it is not. Being a mother myself I know how we can be driven with ideals and beliefs of what it means to be a mother and having a picture of what that looks like. I used to have this idea that I couldn’t learn from my daughters, but time and time again I am proven wrong, as there is so much to learn from each other.
Thank you for writing this. What a great pattern to finally choose to break, and yes how huge! Mothering is so deeply ingrained in us that we carry that heavy energy without even being aware of it. But what a beautiful and healing reflection we give others when we choose love first.
So many of us have that expectation of our families, that they will just be there for us no matter what. It really does seem quite liberating to see them as people with lives of their own and to enquire about staying instead of just expecting it.
Beautifully said Denise. Loosening the ties and cutting the tendrils is bringing more love.
It is also interesting that often those ‘things’ that annoy us most about others is exactly what we sometimes do to others….
The old parenting roles can be quite suffocating if not called out, for both the parent and the child, even when the child is an adult with children of their own. Nothing is better than ending these old beliefs that have been around for a long long time. Great blog Denise.
Thank you Denise for sharing this grand insight into an age old pattern of holding back in an arrangement between parents and children. Why and when did we think it was ok to treat our children or parents any differently to any other person. Love is all encompassing not exclusive . Claim it for your whole family and all parents and children, it is a miracle to break through such an entrenched consciousness and live in the freedom without such a burden.
‘Love is all encompassing not exclusive’ Thank you Paul the dismantling of these old belief patterns is well overdue and this blog has put me on notice of patterns I need to address within my family to free them from my imposition.
‘Self-love can only be where there is truth’. Denise reading your blog has exposed a pattern of mine that slips at times, and made an appearance this week. Thank you so much for this timely reminder.
Stunning. You have brought incredible insight into my life and an opportunity to reflect on how I mother and also the relationship with my own mother. My life will also change from this point, having been made all more the wiser from your amazing revelations. Thank you Denise.
Thank you, Denise. This is a great sharing exposing how in the midst of trying to be whatever/however we think we are, and acting from that role, love gets left behind.
Denise, I am inspired by your honesty, your willingness to feel what is going on and your commitment to making changes and to self-love. If we don’t deal with those ‘squirmy’ moments, they just come around again to give us another opportunity to deal with them, sometimes a little ‘squirmier’ than before – so great that you nipped it in the bud.
What a precious self-awareness to discover Denise; and what a blessing that your body spoke so loudly to you and that our daughter presented an opportunity to evolve.
I can so relate to the mothering energy you describe.
Hiding in a mother role and making it fill my emptiness is familiar for me. I used to only be a mother before being a woman. Now I am a woman first who is also a mother and I am letting go of the controlling parts of mothering more and more.
I was struck by how even the smallest things can create great opportunities for learning.
And its being willing to see that truth that opens us up to learning. Even a little dishonesty and we stay stuck in what we think is a half truth but is in fact a lie. Evolution, as in the case of this blog, comes from when we are really willing to look at how we live.
This takes things right to the core of the issue for me… for you its mothering, while for me it is the doing, the fixing, the competently sorting it out. But underneath all of that where is the time and care for me? And if that is not there then what is really being received at the other end…
I love what you have captured here Denise – that moment when someone says “No” can start a change in behaviours that have been held for generations. When that No comes with truth it is saying I love you and me too much to keep repeating this pattern.
Mothering is such a heavy topic, it’s so refreshing to read from someone who is prepared to let all that ownership go and acknowledge that they do not have any rights or ownership over their children – it’s definitely music to my ears!
Denise I love the honesty in you post. There is so much to let go of in mothering and how amazing you were willing to stop kicking and screaming to embrace you.
Thank you for sharing so honestly Denise , I can so relate to the mothering issues. I realised sometime ago with sadness how I was always telling my sons what to do, thinking that this was helpful and loving. I had a son visit sometime ago expecting me to do something for him, which back then I would have jump at the opportunity to be there for him, but, this time it was different or should I say I was different . What he wanted did not work in with my plans, so I gently declined his request, I was at the time feeling a little uncomfortable at doing this. He was surprised but was ok with my decision. I realised at that moment I am not mum (like I used to be) I am me and I now have a life. This experience gave me a sense of equaliness between us and a respect that had not been there before.
Mothering has been wrapped in so many layers and oozes expectations. Mothering has been seen as a ‘Doing’ thing and getting it right is top of the list or whatever unfolds with your children reflects directly on you. Society can be harsh and we have allowed that. Reading your blog Denise has me reflecting on ‘Mothering’ as a quality, a deeply honouring and loving quality of self first which then will hold your children in that love and honouring. Mothering feels like another word for nurturing deeply with a constancy that holds strong. Thank you for bringing an opportunity to reflect more deeply on Mothering and expanding my awareness of the power in how this can be lived in relationships closet to me.
Denise thank you so much for exposing this mother’s life so truthfully and simply . . . For me this is so much needed – now all women in the world could chose the same way that you chose if they like it. Women need role model like you because this mother’s life is so entrenched – wunderbar.
I too have been learning how to parent children and love myself with equal regard. What has been coming from this is how much less needs to be done than I had originally thought. For example, I see that my child learns so much from watching me brush my teeth than if I were to do theirs for them. The way I am gentle with the tooth brush, the way I hold my body in respect for the height of the basin and what tension I hold in my arm as I carry out the brushing action, this all gives an education in how to be with ones body. A reflection in fact for a possible way to live. But none of this is coming from a need for them to get it, or for me to portray an ideal standard, it is just how I am coming to learn to live with myself in loving ways, and they pick on this with out much if any need for discussion. It’s amazing really and I wish I had known this from the start.
100% agree with you Densie. Self-love can be the only way to live Truth. We cannot live truth if we are not honouring ourselves (and others) in the process!
That’s awesome what Shannon has done for you, just by her honouring herself she has taught you so much. Pretty cool
This is the power of modelling self care without judgement. Allowing you to feel the levels of care you can go to.
What a great realisation to have as a mother Denise, and to read how it has changed your life is very beautiful.
Thank you Denise for this great sharing. The ‘mother’ identity and all the “rights” that go with it is massive, and what is often done under the banner of loving motherhood can be basically imposing, abusive and very emotionally loaded selfish acts to constantly confirm the children’s dependency on the mother and, with this, giving the mother her main identification. It is great that you name the actual abusive energy that is behind it and how it is the responsibility of us as mothers to not impose on our children.
Motherhood and what we have been led to believe it is all about is a huge thing to crack and can seem so difficult at times to be able to be really honest about. Thanks Denise for sharing so honestly what you have come to see for yourself and by doing so offer an opportunity for others to do the same.
This is a huge awareness to come to and what a blessing to you both. A relationship without imposition is deeply beautiful and I admire you for the inspirational path you have chosen. Gorgeous.
I love your blog Denise, there is a huge lesson for me to learn here. My parents had that same thread of a feeling that their now adult children (me and my wife) owed them, but my family was young and my wife and I chose to move away from our parents’ influence to the other side of the world in Australia where our parents had no effect on us, and we liked it that way.
Many years later and now single, I have realised that I am doing to my own grown up daughter and granddaughter what my parents did to me. I have to call this out for what it is and put a stop to it. Thank you for that.
In my next life Denise I am going to parent in a very different way!
I will remember the very wise words and messages you have presented in the blog.
The feeling that people owes us is familiar and very insidious. I gave you (something) so you owe me (something). Life is lived as quid pro quo. This way of living is based on measuring. It is not just that you owe me, but there is a clear notion of how much you owe me. This way of living life requires massive control. And this taxes the body big time and creates massive conflicts along the way.
Wow Denise, beautiful that you have shared this, showing how definitely you have chosen self love over continuing on with the Mum pattern that you had made your way of connecting with your children. I can only begin to imagine the many layers that you have faced as you have cleared this from your body. I too am a Mum and I so know the energy of knowing better, and how harmful it is to do and feel. Through self love and a deep love for my children, I too have been clearing aspects of the very same and am constantly gob smacked at how this way of living is offering to my children true love. Not a love based on what I need to prove to them I am a worthy Mum.
Detaching from the role and truly feeling the equalness within any relationship is deeply healing. Then the fun begins.
Self love and truth as one. This is exactly spot on Denise. I have been reflecting this morning just how far I have come with this. There is so much for us all to learn from what you have realised here about the roles we play out and the generational things we just do without checking if they even feel ok.
Denise, what you write about is HUGE. That you write about it with this much love and truth is GINORMOUS!
So true Alex, when we let go of Ideals and beliefs and choose an absolute self loving unfolding path.
Wow Denise, there is so much power and truth in what you write and such learning for me as a young mum. Already I am finding I have set things up not to nurture myself, but slowly am seeing the truth to live me as the woman first. I have found so much support offered by Universal Medicine particularly with what Natalie Benhayon has shared through her presentations. Through these and attending regular sessions with esoteric practitioners and going to the sacred women’s movement I am learning to allow the amazing woman I am to come out for the world to see.
And what a great miracle this is Denise. Your words “…but I was mothering at the expense of me”, is applicable to all other ‘roles’ we like to hold like wife, daughter, sister, partner, husband, employee etc. Amazing how our want for some sort of admiration, or acknowledgement in and of our role, means we’re prepared to dishonour, discredit and compromise on ourselves.. and end up feeling resentful and always with expectation. Wonderful example of love shown by your daughter and even more so, or deeper love, that you chose to embrace and heal this ‘default assumption’ and action you held as ‘mothering’. True mothering is not solely about having a child (or not), but everything to do with the relationship and its quality that we have with ourselves – first.
I’m continually amazed at the huge effect ‘apparently’ small things have on us. Thank you Denise for offering a deeper understanding of the patterns we can carry through the generations and that the possibility of altering these patterns can come from anyone.
It’s fabulous what you have shared here, the mothering ‘ideal’ of putting our children first before us is so deeply ingrained in society – that if you don’t do that others look on as though you are selfish. From my own experience, I know that my son benefits most from when I am caring for myself, claiming and living the woman I am, before I am his mother – I am steady and capable, warm and nurturing… yet if I am putting others before me I feel scattered and behind the 8 ball, frustrated and wanting to retreat.
Brooke, this is so true and the children feel the love
and power in us when we choose ourselves first.
Being identified with the roles we take on is very draining. Before I met Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I was always tired, busy, trying to control and protect my children without feeling the consequences of my behaviour. Now I see how damaging this has been for all of us , I am letting go of the ideals and beliefs one by one. In this process I have discovered the beautiful woman I am first and foremost, just like you say “I am a beautiful tender and loving woman before I am a mother” and when I remember this ….then everything falls into place quite naturally.
“I am a beautiful tender and loving woman before I am a mother” and when I remember this ….then everything falls into place quite naturally.
My relationships with my children become more equal and the advising seems to fall away. The way we connect then feels very intimate and deeply joyful. 💞
“I would do anything for them, in total disregard for me, never considering how it felt for me. No wonder I was kicking and screaming so much, it was H U G E.” I can very much relate to what you wrote here Denise. I have done the same in many relationships in my life. It’s great to be aware of this now.
I have found that sacrificing myself for the benefit of a role I play, be that a good worker, brother etc., it is oneself that is firstly and easily forgotten. And the irony is that by trying to be a ‘good’ whatever, it is the self that is looking to be found, met and appreciated. It’s a crazy vicious cycle.
“And the irony is that by trying to be a ‘good’ whatever, it is the self that is looking to be found”, well said Jinya, this is definitely my own experience also. We leave our truth, to be a good person that isn’t even truly good – crazy!
Awesome to re-read Denise and what so many mothers go through – “thinking just because they are my children, I had the right to tell them what I thought they should do. I thought this was loving, but now I felt how controlling it could be”. Any time we try to help someone or tell them what to do when they have not asked for it we are imposing on them, imposing the way we ‘think’ it should be for them, and not allowing or giving them the space to learn whatever lesson they need to. After all, we are here to learn, so we can return back to the Love that we are naturally from. We are not designed to be perfect and so mistakes are inevitable.
James this is so true:”not allowing them the space
to learn the lesson that they need to learn.” In their
own time and way. My lesson is my lesson, their lessons are their lessons.
Exactly Denise – it is so imposing and judgemental any other way.
It’s great that your daughter felt able to express honestly to you, and that you felt to renounce the old patterns that were brought up for you.
True relationship!
A great honest sharing and what a ripple effect that one comment from your daughter had. Attending presentations by Serge Benhayon has also allowed me to see life through different eyes as this blog does too, being a mother. As my children grow older and are learning to call out unloving behaviours I am learning there are behaviours I have that come from me as a mother rather than me as a woman which I am first. Thank you Denise.
I love your comment jsnelgrove36. It applies to fathers too.
Denise this is very powerful what you have shared here, and something every mother can benefit from. I can relate in many ways and although my children are only still young, now is the time to break free of this same pattern, bringing the focus back to my own choices, and allowing them the freedom to also choose. We are here as parents to guide and support, not to s-mother!
I love this Anna, ‘We are here as parents to guide and support, not to s-mother!’ A great reminder for me as a mother.
I love that Anna, “not to s-mother”. Been there, done that!
Now through breaking some of those smothering behaviours, I leave my children much more free to be themselves and they will now also lovingly pull me up if I behave in ways that don’t support us all. In the past I would cringe and want to run away, hurt, but now I can see the power and love in such honesty, and welcome it.
Thank you for sharing Jeanette, as I too am experiencing this at present whilst breaking the old pattern. What I have come to realise for myself is that s’mothering is just a way of avoiding myself. It comes from my identifying in being a mother rather then the woman first. Either way it is a distraction away from me. I too have my children pulling me up when needed. Sometimes this is directly through words and other times it is communicated in their behaviour, and I am starting to receive this as a blessing rather then react and go into hurt.
Anna, I have had so many healing moments from my grandchildren, who know they can speak honestly to me.
Because I took responsibility for my behaviour that day, and cut this pattern. I feel that love is coming back to me from the next generation. A true reflection of the choices that I am making.
So great for you to share something that triggered you so deeply. To be able to look in the face of how you’ve lived and take responsibility for making it different is truly wonderful. To understand how to then make those changes for yourself is really beautiful.
Thank you for sharing your story. It is humbling to read how you allowed the truth of what your daughter said, to go beyond the reaction to expose and unlock the patterns there set up between you and your mum. What a gift.
Gosh, that wanting to run away, I know it very well, and yet not only did you not run, but you chose to share your experience with us, and to show us that it is worth staying put, not having the tantrum, and through that, starting to see the truth of, and therefore be able to let go of, whatever it is that we are trying to hide or protect when we want to run.
Thank you for this sharing Denise, it is an extremely relatable topic. What great gifts are there to be had when we actually allow ourselves to stop and feel in that moment when all we might want to do is run a million miles away. Awesome reflection, thank you.
Family relationships can be a minefield of behaviours. It is wonderful that your daughter was able to be honest, and you were able to listen and accept what it brought you. Awesome reflection for us Denise.
True words, Amina. So often what looks like mothering is actually controlling behaviour. I can certainly put both hands up for having done that in the past. And as you say, if the loving and nurturing is not there for ourselves, what are we offering another?
Amina and Janet, great sharing and very supportive for those of us who are still working with this issue.
How often do we not speak our mind with family? it is a real blessing that your daughter is honest enough to call you out for your behaviour and great that you have chosen to look at what patterns you were running that made this necessary. Thanks for sharing Denise.
Great call Stephen – so often in the family a status quo is reached. An agreement to either leave each other’s most tender hurts alone, or for one generation to learn the bad habits of the previous one. If this happens, family becomes a thing that holds us back rather than supporting us as it can.
Thank you, Denise. I can relate to many of the things you have shared, and I appreciate your honesty about the old patterns and your commitment to renouncing them – “I wanted to get to truth, no matter what. I can no longer blame anything that comes into my life on others – it has been my choice.”
By just going along with what others have said, from their own experiences and path in life I have just assumed that I can find ‘my way’ using ‘another’s way’. In my experience this hasn’t worked. Finding ‘my way’ requires me to take responsibility for my choices and feel for myself what works in ‘my way’.
Hi Denise, I too have fallen for that trick of thinking I’m helping people or that I know what or the way they should do something, but actually I’m just trying to control them or a situation. And, of course what a great distraction this is from me. I’m working on allowing others to be themselves and to allow me to be myself. When I can be natural and allow others to be their natural self, it is a lot less stressful, fun and supportive.
I just love your sharing Denise, I don’t have children but I can feel many of the behaviours you describe in how I’ve been with family, friends and even work colleagues, and I’ve been noticing recently it’s a distraction from truly taking care of and looking after myself. So thank you for your lovely blog to remind me.
Thank you Denise for the sharing. A few ouches were felt as I read through, but lovingly brought an awareness and understanding to similar ways I have mothered and am mothered! Inspirational!
Amazing Denise. As the daughter I have behaved in exactly the same way you describe. At 36 I’m being shown that the arrogant and better than attitude I have been holding of “I know best” has been ruining my relationships with people, especially with women. What I have come to feel is that a lot of the time I speak with myself in a harsh, critical and berating way – so of course this will impart on others. Now I am choosing to acknowledge that this behaviour hurts others, it’s a loving responsibility to no longer treat myself in this way. Work in progress…
I can so relate to what you share here, Shevon. Thank you so much for putting into words what I recognise as how I have been with others – this really helps me to understand what that really was.
This is a very honest and consequently inspiring blog, Denise. How loving to see that letting family and friends “come to things in their own time, or waiting to be asked” gives everyone the grace to just be themselves and eliminates any personal need as well as any hidden agendas.
Denise, what an insightful sharing and one that I have been learning re: advice giving to my children thinking I have their best interest at heart. Thank you for your reminder.
Wow, Denise, your blog really pushed some buttons for me, thank you.
I particularly liked the following passage: “By holding on to mothering in that way, I was not allowing myself to claim time to nurture me, the lovely me, the beauty-full me, the gentle me, to treat myself tenderly, to speak to myself in a loving way, to adore me and cherish the amazing woman I have become”.
Thanks to Universal Medicine self love comes first when being a mother, not mothering. Because of the loving and honest family I live with I get stopped often and then have an opportunity to take responsibility of my choices. I love this about my family.
Thanks Sally, I also have beautiful reminders from my family to keep taking responsibility for anything that makes me feel less than the love they know I am – a constant blessing that I am just beginning to fully appreciate. I love how open Denise is to learning and growing from her daughter’s reflections.
Amazing blog. While reading this, I was listening to Chris James’ new song release ‘I Am That I Am‘. Together made me realise how much I’ve previously given up on me. I am now re-learning to love and appreciate how important it is for me to deepen this love and care for myself. Thank you. A beautiful reminder.
Beautifully expressed. I particularly love how you have claimed that part of self love is a willingness to be honest and truthful with yourself. I have been witness to the changes in you and the unlocking of old patterns and behaviors that have passed down from generations of women before you that have never truly served any of us… it’s inspirational.
Beautiful, Shannon. It feels so healing that your mum was open to being ‘parented’ by you her daughter in this instance, by receiving a reflection of true love. The potential for mothers and daughters to support each other equally in this way, once the ‘should’s and ‘must be’s are out of the way, is very powerful.
I agree Janet. Once the expectations are moved, then the quality of the relationship moves from mother to daughter to two women developing a honest relationship that supports one another.
Thanks for sharing this Denise – I can relate to it.
So beautifully and simply expressed, Denise. This really speaks to me so thank you for writing this. I, too, am starting to bring more self-love to me, and to feel into – and break! – this pattern of wanting to control. My daughter is 4 and she has her own beautiful expression that she is not afraid to share. I know that it’s important to allow her to find her own way, especially as she starts school next year, while still lovingly being there to support and guide her.
Wow what strength you have Denise, it feels very beautiful the steps you are taking to support you – if this is a miracle achieved in one day, imagine 10 days of your new found self-love. I also wanted to say thank you for the parenting reflection – I feel I can never have too many of these, so much is shown to me in this area of my life.
Denise, I don’t have children however I could feel strongly what you have described here and it relates to all of us making assumptions and taking situations for granted because we are family or close friends. We can assume an entitlement that is disregarding for ourselves and the other person. A great reminder. Thank you.