by Denise Cavanough, aged 56, Brisbane
Over the years that I have been seeing Serge Benhayon and attending Universal Medicine presentations and talks, I can say that nothing he has said has made me feel uncomfortable, squirm in my seat or want to run away. Not until recently have I felt like I was confronted, stopped in my tracks, cut to the bone; felt like I wanted to throw a tantrum and run away kicking and screaming like a child (I think you will be getting the picture).
This all came about when my daughter Shannon sent me a text in reply to mine, saying that it was ok to stay the night, but to have organised it before, not just as an afterthought, and not without consideration for her plans. This called a stop to a behavior that I had been doing and, I now recognise, that my mother had also done to me.
I can now feel how I had (as a mother) this thread of a feeling that my now adult children owed me. That because I had more life experience I knew better, and I could fix things for them my way, instead of letting them come to things in their own time, or waiting to be asked. I felt how in some ways I had taken our relationship for granted, thinking just because they are my children, I had the right to tell them what I thought they should do. I thought this was loving, but now I felt how controlling it could be. I remembered how I had felt when my mum gave me unwarranted advice, and would not leave me to come to things in my own way.
This triggered a chain of events in me that was far bigger than I could have ever realised.
How had I allowed this to go on between mum and me and never put a stop to it?
I felt so angry. I had no idea what I was feeling at the time, but I knew it was HUGE. I had not felt anything like this before, only that I wanted to run away.
My body was screaming and I could feel that I didn’t want to face it. But there was no way I was running away from whatever it was. So I stopped.
From that short text, I had got to feel how I had never truly honoured and loved myself. By my daughter Shannon, also a mother, showing me the love she held for herself, I got to feel how I had never chosen true self-love for me. How I had always put my children first – I would do anything for them, in total disregard for me, never considering how it felt for me. No wonder I was kicking and screaming so much, it was H U GE.
I had spent a lifetime mastering this, thinking that this was what mothering was about. I loved being a mother, but I was mothering at the expense of me, and could see how mum had done the same all her life.
By Shannon saying truthfully what she felt, she reflected to me all the choices I had made that were not loving for me. It hurt me deeply to see what I had been choosing for myself. Since then I have had a great unfolding, allowing me to discover more of myself.
I have been seeing the same patterns running through my relationship with my mum, habits that I had taken on that mum had done. I’m seeing a stop to these patterns, a break in generations of this behavior. The buck stops here. By calling it out for what it is, it has stopped – it has run its course with me.
It is amazing to have felt all the changes I have made since that day. I had never allowed myself to stop and feel how the choices I was making were affecting my life, my children’s and grandchildren’s. They are now seeing the way I am making different choices, and becoming more loving to myself and others.
By holding on to mothering in that way, I was not allowing myself to claim time to nurture me, the lovely me, the beauty-full me, the gentle me, to treat myself tenderly, to speak to myself in a loving way, to adore me and cherish the amazing woman I have become.
I feel that through having attended presentations by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I am seeing things in my life through different eyes. By taking responsibility for my choices, this has changed my life. I wanted to get to truth, no matter what. I can no longer blame anything that comes into my life on others – it has been my choice.
Self-love can only be where there is truth.
That’s my miracle for today.
259 thoughts on “Self-Love & Mothering: Stopping to Take Responsibility”
‘I wanted to get to truth, no matter what’. A quote that sets a challenge, a beautiful challenge, for me to see the behaviours and areas in my life that I compromised truth for plain sailing, comfort, keeping things smooth.
The greatest gift is when we reflect to another the love that we are. Love alone has the power to expose all that is not love. When all that is not love is exposed, we can then make the choice to bring Love in its place. Without the reflection as a form of reminder, we are lost.
There are so many ways that true mothering has been bastardised – and so a controling and stifling version can take over rather than a version that is free of all constraints but holds the other as an equal and with equal warmth and wisdom.
To hold everyone, and in this case particularly our children, as equals, calls us to see ourselves with worth too. This is a remarkable simple life changing way to be in relationship.
It is not easy to allow ourselves to feel the discomfort of being exposed for a behaviour or choice that one has made – it can feel so awful, but that awful feeling is a short term feeling especially once we connect to how freeing it is not not be governed any more by the choice that we were making. Once free, we are free to then express more love.
It requires great honesty to review, recognize and rectify the patterns we are repeating from our parents. Addressing them because that is not loving with us and others, is a great service to offer no matter how challenging it could be at some times.
Yes I agree absolutely. And knowing that, whilst challenging, the feeling out the other side and the changes that naturally unfold are beyond any fear of the challenge.
It is great that you became aware of this, so can now make new choices, ‘I was not allowing myself to claim time to nurture me, the lovely me, the beauty-full me, the gentle me, to treat myself tenderly, to speak to myself in a loving way, to adore me and cherish the amazing woman I have become.’
“and I could fix things for them my way, instead of letting them come to things in their own time, or waiting to be asked.” I can see this pattern in myself without being a parent, the false form of parenting or relating to others is common. I’m learning that love is about space and acknowledging a deeper equality. As a woman the hook for me was being needed, which is disempowering for the other person if I’m stepping in with the wrong intention.
Bringing our children up so that they can speak freely and express themselves with the confidence that their feelings matter, is one of the greatest gifts we can give them.
Spot on Julie – a confirmation of who they are and supports them to blossom.
Absolutely Elizabeth, True mothering and fathering consider the deeper True aspects of energy at play so it can be understood and thus we can all reconnect to our essences, and it is never to late to mother or father our-selves in the most Loving ways when it comes to energy!
Thank you Denise, their is a great take home message in so much that Serge Benhayon presents and thus we can all learn to deepen our connection to our essences, which brings an understand of our responsibility to be “self-love” so others get that reflection as our reflection is our greatest form of communication.
It’s anazing how when we put love first in our relationship with ourselves, even the things we thought we were doing out of goodwill or being responsible get exposed for what they really are. It’s actually perfect timing for me to feel into this right now.
So True Fumiyo, each blog has it’s perfect timing in our lives as they let us explore our own issues so we can heal them, wow! what a blessing is held within these pages.
Beautifully said Elizabeth. Then its a win win for everyone.
I had a similar issue recently with regard to a relative I stay with when in London. They called me out that I only seem to go there when an event is on, so it feels I’m using them as a hotel. I remember feeling this a bit years ago when I used to put them up at a drop of a hat. So karma returns! It feels good to be expressing so openly about things, whereas previously I would always shy away from what I perceived to be the slightest confrontation.
Denise what I felt reading was the beauty-full woman you are, and the honesty and openness you have which allowed the text from your daughter to become the healing it was. “By holding on to mothering in that way, I was not allowing myself to claim time to nurture me, the lovely me, the beauty-full me, the gentle me, to treat myself tenderly, to speak to myself in a loving way, to adore me and cherish the amazing woman I have become.” Although I don’t have children I can relate to this as the way we are as women in the world is very focused on others, or tasks outside of ourselves, instead of treating ourselves with love and tenderness and cherishing who we are. An amazing read, keep writing!
This is how to me the world will change when we break the patterns of generations in how we perceive ourselves to be and all others around us. We have absorbed the ideals, beliefs, from our parents as they have from theirs and so nothing in truth changes. But by being so much more aware and bringing a stop to the patterns we all have we give ourselves an opportunity to change lifetimes of habit.
In the absence of love our behaviours reflect our desperate need to fulfill the emptiness and such lovelessness becomes an imposition on others rather the beholding quality of presence we naturally hold when we live in connection to the love we are.
It is a miracle when we have a wake-up call which can change the trajectory of our behaviours and get us to realise the truth behind those behaviours. That’s when a true healing can take place.
Putting the others first permits to come up with a great alibi for not making it about you (in the good sense of the word) while making about you you you (in the worst sense of the word)