by Jo Billings, USA
I am a woman of 40 years old and have spent about 33 of those years dealing with depression, anxiety and self worth issues. I spent many years in psychotherapy and have been on and off antidepressants since age 17. I have delved into diverse healing modalities to try to clear the suffering. I worked with naturopaths, acupuncturists, healers and shamans for a long time… but was still living daily with emotional pain.
I was plagued with the feeling that not only was I not sharing love and joy (because I couldn’t feel it myself) but that I was just adding to the pain and misery of the world with my own suffering. I felt confused and didn’t know how to live my life. I felt so off track, so lost from myself. I kept saying to myself, “I want to know Truth”.
When I read one of Serge Benhayon’s books, I was moved by how true it felt to me. True, in contrast to all the self-help, spiritual modalities and psychotherapy I had tried where I was always left feeling that I needed to sift through the muddy parts (for example, the fact that the practitioners often seemed extremely drained, stressed, unloving or outright sickly).
I wanted to learn more about Universal Medicine and began slowly listening to Serge’s audio presentations and practicing the Gentle Breath Meditation. As I became more focused on being present and less distracted, I felt stronger in myself and more able to say no to the depressive thoughts that would previously have such a hold over me. I began to feel myself, not numbness or sadness or pain.
The teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine have helped me understand that what I was experiencing (my emptiness, depression and suffering), was me missing myself and how to come back to me by not seeking outside for a fix, but looking inside to heal. With the support of audio presentations, classes, and healing sessions, I have been developing the ability to be more present, feel my feelings, accept where I am and to not give my power away to sadness or other people. I’m working on not undermining my integrity by comparing myself to anyone else. I had been trying to help people and do things to feel needed and receive acceptance from others, but I had not been offering loving attention and acceptance to myself, and that was not working!
I had often lain crying on the floor with exhaustion and had come to realise that I could not go on feeling everyone’s pain and sadness… that it was taking me out! I have also had aching kidneys (sometimes extremely painful) from childhood, which no doctors could explain. My introduction to Serge’s work came while living in Australia; when, in response to my describing how my kidneys ached, a friend opened one of his books for me to read a section about the different ways a person can deplete their kidneys. It described exactly how I had been living and giving to others without regard to myself. I was well into my own personal work of accepting the fact that my lifelong efforts to ‘help’ my family, out of this deep sympathy, was not truly helpful and that I was actually drowning myself in it. One of the courses I took from Serge (later) really helped me move with this. I can be compassionate instead of sympathetic. As I develop true compassion; learn not to take on other people’s pain and to trust others to be learning what they need, my kidneys and lower back have been steadily improving, not to mention I am not crying all the time!
By healing a lot of childhood sadness I have also gone from needing chiropractic support for my sacrum (a lot of pain and expense!) on average of 25 times a year (from age 14 to 38) to enjoying a half hour esoteric session about once a year with a shadow of the symptoms which are 90% resolved at this point.
Using simple tools such as breathing gently and learning to honor myself by not overriding what I know I need to do or say, I feel for the first time that I am Living my life, not just existing and surviving.
What I mean is that I am actually able to enjoy myself most of the time in whatever I’m doing. I ‘want’ to do things and I often enjoy connecting with people versus dreading waking up each day and experiencing anxiety around people because of feeling I was representing myself so poorly and unable to fulfill my purpose (of living / being me)…I am handling things much better now instead of feeling desperate about getting by.
I now feel more empowered and able to discern what is good for me and make supportive choices. This has changed everything about my life and it all comes from me. For example, I no longer crave and eat sugar or caffeine or take drugs and alcohol (or date unloving men) to escape unpleasant emotions or keep me going. After 25 years of trying not to eat sugar (as I could see that it greatly exacerbated my symptoms) I have found that it’s not about saying no or having a strong will; I am eating more how I need to because I can feel that it doesn’t feel good in my body to have these things. It is rewarding to be more in touch with my body! I also have chosen, for the first time, a truly supportive partner who is gentle and whom I respect.
I always felt so broken, like something was wrong with me. Now, for the first time in my adult life, I feel that I am OK and that I am really learning to take loving care of myself. I am more and more able to just be myself. I am beginning to feel a loveliness in who I am. I have a sense of purpose in working to re-learn how to live a loving life and I know I’m on my path!