by Bianca Barban, Melbourne, Australia
I have been reflecting on the amazing experience I had during a Universal Medicine Sacred Esoteric Healing Level 3 course, and the clarity that came during it.
I love people! I love being with them. I love being open with everyone and feeling the harmony between us. I love expressing from the depth of my love, the exquisite expansive feeling this brings to my body. I love feeling the ‘sameness’ between two people when all the other stuff that normally separates us falls away and we allow ourselves to talk openly and without fear. It brings tears of joy to my eyes and an absolute stillness to my body.
Most of my life I have lived closed, keeping people out or being selective about who I would let in and how much I would let them in. I was always nice to everyone though… but there is a falseness in niceness and I used it as a protection to keep people out.
The people I did allow to get to know me, did not ever know all of me. I always reserved a piece of my heart just in case their behavior hurt me or they didn’t live up to the expectations of how I wanted love to be. I sought comfort in the fact that I was in control of the relationship and therefore could not be hurt.
This pattern of protection played out with everyone – my husband, children, family, friends and colleagues – all to varying degrees. I allowed the fear of rejection to dictate my life, and this meant that the fullness of love that is naturally within me was disconnected and was only felt in varying degrees. When I felt ready to open up and not hold back what I felt to say, but just express the real me without internal censorship or perfection, it was difficult because I had been holding in what I felt for so long. I knew I wanted to express but the fear of not getting it right and being judged was paralyzing me. It was like I had scrunched up a part of me so tightly but I expected it to automatically bounce back and be full again. I did not account for the creases that would be there and that it would take time for this part to be smooth again.
I projected the fear of being hurt and collected my life experiences of hurt for proof, and burdened those experiences on every interaction I had. I allowed myself to believe that rejection and hurt are part of true love and this kept me isolated from the connection that is naturally between all people.
When this clarity came it felt like breaking the chains that I had placed around my heart. I felt the hardness that this suppression had caused, my body slacken, and I felt the hugeness of true love. I felt a confidence in my body and a surety that I could say things I felt and this would be ok. There was a trust there, a trust in me, and I understood if I kept choosing to focus on this instead of all the hurt, this trust would grow and expression would be easier.
I felt to express the love I was feeling with everyone. So I did. This did not mean I ran out and brought everyone flowers or gushed when I spoke to them. It meant that when I offered my eyes, I stayed open, I did not hide behind niceness, didn’t speak out of necessity and allowed myself to express how I felt. I did not hold in my love. I allowed me to just be me and the other person to be them. It felt so natural that I allowed all fear to disappear.
I began to release the pattern of protection and surrendered to the sameness that exists between people. I realised that on some level most people fear being hurt and that when I am with someone if I let go of my fear of being hurt, perhaps the other person would too. I felt the absolute freedom letting go of protection brought to me and I now feel committed to allowing the full expression of true love. I will no longer focus on the behaviors that hurt; which only hurt because I am choosing not to live from the love that is me – the love that exists naturally inside everyone.
Let me be clear, this process has been an unfoldment, a deepening over a few years. It is not a spiritual journey or something that can happen overnight. It only occurred because I had a willingness to look at the hurts that I have collected and stored in my body over this life. I have a commitment to true healing which I have experienced through the presentations of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, and by attending esoteric healing modalities. This has supported me to unfold a commitment to living simply and expressing the fullness of love, without perfection, with everyone.
Now with the awareness that my greatest hurt was created by giving up on expressing the absolute love within me, and that stifling this expression has kept me separate from people and deeply longing, I step out into the world and embrace the one true love we all are and allow the expression of love to flow through me.
The Truth about Serge Benhayon 
“I allowed the fear of rejection to dictate my life, and this meant that the fullness of love that is naturally within me was disconnected and was only felt in varying degrees.” We are so deeply sensitive, and we really feel hurt at times, but we can dig ourselves in to such a deep hole with stories about everything that’s happened to us, and rehash it all so much that the hurts can become like clouds over the love in our heart. We don’t realise we can heal, and that there is no devastation greater than love – and that it is in fact untouched.
More than any hurt, what really hurts is not living and sharing the love that we are
Currently, I am clearing out and questioning the control in my life. Love does not taper or measure itself, it only gives all of itself. I am understanding more how anything less is simply not love.
Bianca this is a great blog to read after expressing something to someone as usually I keep my feelings to myself because I have been told I’m very blunt when I say something. This time I just wrote what I felt was there to be said yes, it was direct but then I wasn’t trying to be nice and sugar coat my feelings. It may not go down very well but at least there was a potential for everyone to look at the niceness that was part of the conversation that gets us no where.
When we are held in love, our hurts are far more easier to explore, to understand and to let go of.
Our hurts can easily take over and take control if we let them. But what Bianca has shared here is that we do not need to be governed by them. Letting go of this way of living does not happen overnight, and must come with an ever holding support and the trust of our essence in its deepest sense – connection with the Soul. With this comes the freedom of true expression to bless all around.
Funny that how we are the ones that do not let people in – and then we wonder why our relationships do not deepen?!! This is something I too have experienced and it can be a very big shift with each increment of letting people in that much more or letting more of me out with no holes barred.
The workshops and presentation of Universal Medicine are truly a gift from heaven using them as a support I have also been able to trust myself again and to reduce the amount of self bashing and self ridicule to a point where I could actually start to feel that there was something else. That there is a divine being also residing in within me that had been totally over looked in my pursuit of self annihilation.
Learning to trust me and my feeling over and above what other people thought I should be, should do, has been the catalyst of the huge changes that I have undergone.
Lovely to read that you are now choosing to be the love you are wherever you are, ‘I began to release the pattern of protection and surrendered to the sameness that exists between people. I realised that on some level most people fear being hurt and that when I am with someone if I let go of my fear of being hurt, perhaps the other person would too. I felt the absolute freedom letting go of protection brought to me and I now feel committed to allowing the full expression of true love.’
“It only occurred because I had a willingness to look at the hurts that I have collected and stored in my body over this life.” This is an important first step. Without the willingness to consider what might be influencing our movements, every movement is still impulsed by an old pattern.
I love hearing of your unfolding process, it is one I am likewise choosing, ‘ It meant that when I offered my eyes, I stayed open, I did not hide behind niceness, didn’t speak out of necessity and allowed myself to express how I felt. I did not hold in my love. I allowed me to just be me and the other person to be them.’ Very beautiful, as is your expression.
When we choose to be fully open and let love in and out, it is a process, ‘It was like I had scrunched up a part of me so tightly but I expected it to automatically bounce back and be full again. I did not account for the creases that would be there and that it would take time for this part to be smooth again.’
We close ourselves off, live like we hate the world and its people, but I am wondering we do that because we so deeply know the true beauty and delicacy of what we truly are, and that we truly and deeply care and love. When we deny ourselves this fact that we love, we make it our duty to prove to the world that we hate people (and this always includes ourselves) constantly by our behaviour.
Bianca I agree with you when you say
“this process has been an unfoldment, a deepening over a few years. It is not a spiritual journey or something that can happen overnight. It only occurred because I had a willingness to look at the hurts that I have collected and stored in my body over this life. I have a commitment to true healing which I have experienced through the presentations of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine”
I know what you have said is true because I have also this experience of un-folding to come back to who I truly am underneath all the layers of protection I have built up around me not just this life time but for many lifetimes.
It’s really about those conditions we place on others and life to be a certain way or we won’t be love. It’s true life experiences can really hurt, but for me it wasn’t until I found Universal Medicine that I found support to place the emphasis back on being love and heal all the hurts and protections placed around that love. Universal Medicine is the only place I know of that talks about restoring ourselves back to our love, and not in an emotional love sense, but love being a true and natural quality of our essence and soul.
So true, we are Love first and foremost and our healing is to unpeel the layers of protection to come back to that space of Love. From that space there is an ease in the body that is unimposing on another.
Bianca your sharing feels very relatable to me. I know very well about this niceness façade and all what I tried to hide behind. Or about the control and protection I used for so long to relate with others. At this point in time I’m appreciating very much the possibility we have to look at this patterns with absolut honesty and to heal the hurts for not living the love we are. My experience with Sacred Esoteric Healing and Universal Medicine is being a huge support in my life, to grow, to let go the contraction I used to be and to allow myself to be me in the world. It’s being an unfolding path with no end, without expectations or ideals to follow, but a process where I reconnect back to my natural state of being, that is joyful, still, harmonious…and more.
How many people live, or have lived with the niceness facade, it feels horrible, ‘Most of my life I have lived closed, keeping people out or being selective about who I would let in and how much I would let them in. I was always nice to everyone though… but there is a falseness in niceness and I used it as a protection to keep people out.’
I love your honesty here in the fact that even with our partners and children we can live a life of not fully letting them in! It’s a half life and one that I still feel I am living in not allowing people completely in and still holding back a piece of me reserved in case I get hurt. The irony is though in doing this (not letting love in – love out and being with the flow) I am hurting myself 24/7.
Honesty empowers us in a very beautiful way. To clearly see what is and what is not. Many life-changing decissions we can make from this space.
I love the realness and honesty with which you describe this protection, ‘The people I did allow to get to know me, did not ever know all of me. I always reserved a piece of my heart just in case their behavior hurt me or they didn’t live up to the expectations of how I wanted love to be.’
‘I will no longer focus on the behaviors that hurt; which only hurt because I am choosing not to live from the love that is me – the love that exists naturally inside everyone.’ A great observation Bianca, we cannot change what we have created for ourselves we can only re build the love in ourselves in order to let go of the false ideas and beliefs that hold our true expression back.
“I projected the fear of being hurt and collected my life experiences of hurt for proof, and burdened those experiences on every interaction I had.” I suspect we do that far more often than we are prepared to admit and therefore many of our relationships can look great on the surface but one scratch below the surface and we still do not feel we are ourselves in them.
An eye opener indeed Lucy when we let ourselves go there to feel the intimacy or lack of in our relationships. But far better for us to be aware of it than to pretend or live a lie.