Depression, Bi-Polar & the Medicinal Qualities of Love & Choice

For many years I have been diagnosed with depression: at one point in my thirties when my behaviours were even more erratic than usual, I was diagnosed with bi-polar. As a human being needing to operate in the world, I have sought medical advice from doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors. I have searched into the spiritual world for ways to help my personal angst and I have sought support from friends and family. Earlier in the year, I finally was able to admit to myself that although I have moments where things appear okay, the real truth of it was, at the very best each day was a painful upheaval and struggle, and at the very worst, there was little will to carry on.

A few months ago, I hit rock bottom. All my symptoms escalated, I was not coping and had no will to deal with my day. Life was impossible and I just wanted to check out; it was too painful, too hard. I was shouting a lot, in overwhelm, crying and just wanted to end it all. These symptoms were what had led to my diagnosis of bi-polar a few years previously. I saw my GP regularly at this time, who was very caring and supportive because I was scared. I also saw some practitioners from Universal Medicine (UniMed). All suggested I get on some anti-depressants to support me and give me some space to explore possible causes for these symptoms, which had arisen all my adult life.

I am not a stranger to anti-depressants. I had been on them for many years previously and after the birth of my second child I was on an extremely high dose. So, I went on a moderate dose of the brand I had used before. I was immediately nauseous and couldn’t get to sleep at night; in fact I was unable to get any sleep. Plus I would feel dizzy and disorientated. So I kept returning to my GP who worked with me trying to find a pill that worked. We tried taking, every second day, half a pill of the lowest dose of an anti-depressant that was mild on side-effects. But still I would immediately get all the side-effects I previously described.

So, frightened and still at rock bottom, with medication that seemed to intensify my symptoms (one of the side effects of one pill listed said that suicidal thoughts could occur in the first two weeks), I turned to my Universal Medicine practitioners, who helped me try a different approach. It’s not easy to admit in one’s life that at best it’s bloody awful. But in a loving and caring approach, because they could feel I was ready to hear some hard stuff, they socked it to me… they pointed out that I had turned up for my session and presented my symptoms to them with little will to get on top of them; I hadn’t actually said – “Okay, how do I fix this?”. They pointed out that I was stuck in the story of how my life was extremely tough, blaming events and people – and I wanted to stay there. I was a little affronted at first, to say the least. In fact, to be truthful, I wanted to walk out. But I had nothing to lose because I couldn’t find relief with the anti-depressants. So I continued to listen.

Next, they asked me to contemplate if it could be possible that exhaustion was playing a part in my depression and, more so, was I maybe making choices in my life to create the drama, thereby providing myself with the exhaustion and chaos – which in turn gave me the excuse to go into overwhelm and give up?

I understand, from twenty-five plus years of suffering depression symptoms, along with other family members suffering the same, that there is a lot of research on depression, in particular on the fact that it can be the result of chemical imbalances, which the anti-depressants assist with. I have done a lot of research myself on depression and how people who suffer it lead debilitating lives, with depression being brought on by an onslaught of abuse or tragic incidences (war, hijacking, terrorism, etc).

But this was my personal experience of depression and, as I had not suffered any of these events, I became open to looking at the possibility being presented to me that maybe I was setting up choices in my life to lead to events that would bring on the symptoms. I had to admit that when I fell into a depression cycle, which went deeper and deeper into that black hole as it is often described, it almost felt like a drug, a relief to finally give in, give up and lay in bed. I’ve never taken heroin but it was almost like taking a ‘hit’ of something which I knew wasn’t good for me but boy, did it feel great.

I can tell you, it was pretty painful to even contemplate for one second the possibility that I could be responsible for creating all the pain I’d been through, and had put my family through. But with patience and genuine true love and care, my GP and UniMed practitioners, with zero judgement, held my hand and allowed me the time and space to consider these possibilities more deeply.

About eight years ago, when I was experiencing these extreme symptoms, I was similarly scared and visited a counsellor, psychologist and psychiatrist. Each independently concluded I presented with bi-polar. I immediately became even more scared. In the sessions with them whilst I was pouring out my heart, concerned for mine and my family’s welfare, they didn’t seem to really engage with me or even look at me; they made notes then delivered their diagnosis, writing out a script for anti-depressants. The experience felt cold and unassuring.

I am sure we have all had experiences when things were going bad, life felt hard and you shared it with a friend or family member and suddenly, supported by their sincere concern and listening, it lifted a cloud. They might not have provided a solution, but the love and care somehow fixed some things. This was what my GP provided when I shared my anxieties with her; I cried because I felt her genuine care – this care and talking with her felt like medicine in itself. There are many medical practitioners in the world who naturally present themselves in this caring manner. There are also many who don’t, due to stress, overwork, frustrating medical systems etc. I have no judgement of any of them; however, this time round with my depression I wanted to surround myself with a little bit more cushioning and care. I don’t just align myself to only seeing Universal Medicine health practitioners – that would be foolish. But on occasions I do seek them because I know that I will consistently receive genuine care, love and concern for my symptoms – but neither sympathy nor pandering; this care is part of their work ethos because they feel it can play an important part in the overall care and treatment of the patient. And when you’re dealing with the kind of issues I was dealing with, I felt it was advantageous to share these issues with someone in whose company I felt like I was with family or a friend – someone that cared and who knew me to be more than the mess I was in. As I journeyed through finding a suitable anti-depressant with my GP, I shared with her what I was exploring with my Universal Medicine psychologist practitioners and how it was really helping – she was super supportive of the efforts I was making, praised me for confronting the hard stuff and expressed to me directly that it was great that I was getting “so much support”.

Very gently, I considered my part in my life. Slowly it began to help and make sense. One of the dramas and distractions which I created and was able to look at, was being caught up in getting things done, especially since having children. Each day I created a to-do list, which set me up for failure as I put myself into a drive or busy-ness, which overrode my body telling me that it could not physically undertake such an impossible list. To compensate, I would be constantly reaching for comfort foods and felt exhausted, irritated and frustrated, which often led to rage directed at my innocent children and husband. This to-do list of mine was debilitating.

Could this be one of the ways I created chaos and overwhelm in my life – by generating circumstances and situations that made life so hard and so difficult that giving up felt like the only option? What if, for added drama, I threw in sabotaging thoughts of being a failure for not ever achieving the unachievable, plus a range of judgemental, self-loathing thoughts? And how could I profess to love my family when I treated myself so appallingly?

So, as I began to attempt each day to bring a simplicity to that day’s activities, I slowly started to see something else. Although I was making my life more simple and less complicated and my quality of life started to improve, I still was having shouting outbursts at my family. Now, my relationship with my practitioners was different, in as much as I could now go along and rather than look for them to fix it for me, I would rock up and say, “Okay, life’s better but I’m still yelling – I want to stop this, why is it still happening?”. Again, gently with no judgement, I received the possibility that I was only committing to making my life better, but not actually addressing the relationship I had with myself: my opinion of myself was still terrible and because I could still be mean to me, it was easy to be mean to others too.

So, I contemplated this for a while and BINGO! Finally a light went on; my internal voice was still running me down, judging me, chastising me all the time. So I might have been making better choices, but I was just ‘doing’ them to make things better rather than because I really felt I was worth it. Now I was getting somewhere.

I had been running two lives: a physically exhausting one, and another in my head running non-stop commentaries on how useless I was. So although I was changing the physically exhausting part of my life, the low self-worth part was still running the show: I still hadn’t committed to genuinely loving me and making that the reason for every choice I made in my day.

Stopping the merry-go-round, allowing the discomfort and pain of those unloving choices to be felt was not, and still is not, easy. But I now give myself some stillness and quiet, just to feel me. Now that I’ve allowed myself to feel my brutally low opinion of myself, I can see past that part and see the real me – this beautiful woman who is just busting to be given permission to come out into the world.

I would like to show my appreciation to Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and all its wonderful practitioners for their unwavering love and support. This, however, is not a rah–rah for UniMed; this is a rah–rah for the growing awareness of the healing power of love, which is at the core of what UniMed endorses but is obviously not exclusive to UniMed; this is a rah–rah to the medicinal qualities of love and care – the love and care from my GP, the love and care from UniMed practitioners, the love and care from my family and friends and the love and care from me. It was me that made the choice to see qualified medical practitioners, highly trained in their field of mental illness, choosing to administer their medicine with love and care – the vital ingredient which was missing from my last foray into fixing this debilitating condition. All of the above helped bring me back to ME, showing me that I always had a choice, even when I had dug my heels in pretty deep, thinking I had no choice, believing that the dramatic events in my life were outside of my control and that I was a lost cause.

I am understanding more and more the meaning of true love and what that encompasses: it is true love to gently, without judgement, lovingly help people when they are ready to begin to entertain the possibility that we are responsible for our choices and the events that happen in our lives: it is true love to present the ‘tough’ stuff – to bring people back to who they really are so they, in turn, can help others return back to who they really are. This to me is the bigger picture, this to me is all part of true love. This is what personally helped me understand my depression and my part in it.

By Anon

611 thoughts on “Depression, Bi-Polar & the Medicinal Qualities of Love & Choice

  1. Wow what a story. And such honesty to be able to see that you are not a victim of depression, but are actually the creator of it, is truly courageous. And a true solution of the root cause. This is story the medical world needs to hear. Get it out in the world.

  2. ‘Now that I’ve allowed myself to feel my brutally low opinion of myself, I can see past that part and see the real me – this beautiful woman who is just busting to be given permission to come out into the world.’ Low Self Worth is common in both men and women and the major cause of so much unease that leads to disease. It’s not until we address the relationship with ourselves that we can in anyway change the way we are in life and that doesn’t mean dwelling on our issues or making them the reason we get depressed thus creating a fixed state and identity for ourselves but to see that life is fluid and ever changing as we are and that what is underneath this is not just a wounded child but a joyful and playful child and and also a responsible and love filled woman.

  3. ‘Very gently, I considered my part in my life.’ To do this requires a level of honesty that few are truly willing to embrace. Far from being victims of life, when we begin to break it down, we can begin to see how we have manifested or exacerbated situations that we have tried to blame others for. Taking greater responsibility for our part in our life’s problems I have found brings an inner settlement.

  4. When we bring honesty to the way we have been living to me it is the first step to heal ourselves.
    Many of us have this internal voice that runs us down with negative thoughts on a never ending loop. Making things better doesn’t work we actually have to change the way we think, I have found that the negative thoughts I have are not mine at all it just feels as though they are mine, after all why would I beat myself up thinking I’m wrong; why would I be so self abusive? It doesn’t make sense so where are these thoughts coming from?

  5. Sometimes it is only the tough way, ie. to get confronted with the truth in a loving and caring way that can get us out of the tough situation we have ended up with and often contributed to if not completely created ourselves, especially when the misery is actually the comfort we seek to escape the responsibility of facing what we are avoiding in the first place.

  6. Put love into the mix and you get the best out of every other ingredient; it is love that ‘ennobles’ medicine, healing or any other craft to enable the magic that then can follow. And the same is true for when we start applying self-love.

  7. ‘I became open to looking at the possibility being presented to me that maybe I was setting up choices in my life to lead to events that would bring on the symptoms.’ This is huge. We all have a tendency to want to blame others for our woes and difficulties, but taking responsibility that we might in fact be the cause of them changes the game entirely.

  8. It is interesting when you describe the feeling of giving up in depression. Perhaps all of our choices are moments of possible responsibility or giving up.

  9. It takes the willingness of one to make a change combined with true support from a team around us to heal and to let go of things that hold us back in life. Amazing turn around Anon – and beautiful to see your honesty and openness in this blog as this will support many who have experienced a similar situation to see things in a different light.

  10. It can be a hard pill to swallow when we realise how our choices have contributed to how we are feeling and that by simply changing the way we live can be one of our best medicines.

  11. When I am mean to me I can be mean to others… that is so true because we will not be willing to acknowledge that how we are being and what we are saying can hurt another. That is the ‘toughen up princess attitude’.

  12. This article shows me just how important self-honesty is as starting place to heal. You really can’t move on or grow without it. The simple presentations showed how important things like exhaustion and creating drama are in our mental health. We don’t like to think we create our own mess but as you get honest with yourself, you get to see you are the creator of your own reality.

  13. This blog describes what true medicine is all about – the client/the GP/the healing practitioner working together to bring about true healing. This is our future.

  14. I know what you mean when you say
    “I had to admit that when I fell into a depression cycle, which went deeper and deeper into that black hole as it is often described, it almost felt like a drug, a relief to finally give in, give up and lay in bed. I’ve never taken heroin but it was almost like taking a ‘hit’ of something which I knew wasn’t good for me but boy, did it feel great.”
    I got myself into a similar cycle of depression where it was very easy to give in and just take the drugs it was an enormous relief and an excuse to check out on life. Being a victim was my excuse.
    Finding Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine was the best medicine I could ever give myself. Coming to the understanding that I was not a victim but actually a master of creating my own misery was a huge wake up call for me.

  15. When we give sway to the self destructive thoughts which enter our minds, it is our body and wellbeing which cops it.

  16. “I had to admit that when I fell into a depression cycle… it almost felt like a drug, a relief to finally give in, give up and lay in bed. I’ve never taken heroin but it was almost like taking a ‘hit’ of something which I knew wasn’t good for me but boy, did it feel great”. Wow! This really turns things in mental health on its head. So all the sympathy and fixing we as professionals, family etc try to do is pointless unless the person gets honest about what they are choosing and what they are getting out of the condition. I have realised this for myself with other conditions and issues.

    1. This is extra-ordinary to contemplate that we could find relief in our checking out and staying in bed. That makes so much sense because it is a space where we can control what is going on around us, but in fact we can control nothing and means we are at the mercy of the life around us. When we take ourselves to be part of the solution we put ourselves on the front foot which is good for physical and mental health.

  17. Depression is a very difficult and real experience for many people, and to date modern medicine seems to have not found an underlying cause that would prevent this illness. The Esoteric Modalities provide a great support working alongside conventional medicine to support the body in reclaiming its natural vitality and commitment.

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