Depression, Bi-Polar & the Medicinal Qualities of Love & Choice

For many years I have been diagnosed with depression: at one point in my thirties when my behaviours were even more erratic than usual, I was diagnosed with bi-polar. As a human being needing to operate in the world, I have sought medical advice from doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors. I have searched into the spiritual world for ways to help my personal angst and I have sought support from friends and family. Earlier in the year, I finally was able to admit to myself that although I have moments where things appear okay, the real truth of it was, at the very best each day was a painful upheaval and struggle, and at the very worst, there was little will to carry on.

A few months ago, I hit rock bottom. All my symptoms escalated, I was not coping and had no will to deal with my day. Life was impossible and I just wanted to check out; it was too painful, too hard. I was shouting a lot, in overwhelm, crying and just wanted to end it all. These symptoms were what had led to my diagnosis of bi-polar a few years previously. I saw my GP regularly at this time, who was very caring and supportive because I was scared. I also saw some practitioners from Universal Medicine (UniMed). All suggested I get on some anti-depressants to support me and give me some space to explore possible causes for these symptoms, which had arisen all my adult life.

I am not a stranger to anti-depressants. I had been on them for many years previously and after the birth of my second child I was on an extremely high dose. So, I went on a moderate dose of the brand I had used before. I was immediately nauseous and couldn’t get to sleep at night; in fact I was unable to get any sleep. Plus I would feel dizzy and disorientated. So I kept returning to my GP who worked with me trying to find a pill that worked. We tried taking, every second day, half a pill of the lowest dose of an anti-depressant that was mild on side-effects. But still I would immediately get all the side-effects I previously described.

So, frightened and still at rock bottom, with medication that seemed to intensify my symptoms (one of the side effects of one pill listed said that suicidal thoughts could occur in the first two weeks), I turned to my Universal Medicine practitioners, who helped me try a different approach. It’s not easy to admit in one’s life that at best it’s bloody awful. But in a loving and caring approach, because they could feel I was ready to hear some hard stuff, they socked it to me… they pointed out that I had turned up for my session and presented my symptoms to them with little will to get on top of them; I hadn’t actually said – “Okay, how do I fix this?”. They pointed out that I was stuck in the story of how my life was extremely tough, blaming events and people – and I wanted to stay there. I was a little affronted at first, to say the least. In fact, to be truthful, I wanted to walk out. But I had nothing to lose because I couldn’t find relief with the anti-depressants. So I continued to listen.

Next, they asked me to contemplate if it could be possible that exhaustion was playing a part in my depression and, more so, was I maybe making choices in my life to create the drama, thereby providing myself with the exhaustion and chaos – which in turn gave me the excuse to go into overwhelm and give up?

I understand, from twenty-five plus years of suffering depression symptoms, along with other family members suffering the same, that there is a lot of research on depression, in particular on the fact that it can be the result of chemical imbalances, which the anti-depressants assist with. I have done a lot of research myself on depression and how people who suffer it lead debilitating lives, with depression being brought on by an onslaught of abuse or tragic incidences (war, hijacking, terrorism, etc).

But this was my personal experience of depression and, as I had not suffered any of these events, I became open to looking at the possibility being presented to me that maybe I was setting up choices in my life to lead to events that would bring on the symptoms. I had to admit that when I fell into a depression cycle, which went deeper and deeper into that black hole as it is often described, it almost felt like a drug, a relief to finally give in, give up and lay in bed. I’ve never taken heroin but it was almost like taking a ‘hit’ of something which I knew wasn’t good for me but boy, did it feel great.

I can tell you, it was pretty painful to even contemplate for one second the possibility that I could be responsible for creating all the pain I’d been through, and had put my family through. But with patience and genuine true love and care, my GP and UniMed practitioners, with zero judgement, held my hand and allowed me the time and space to consider these possibilities more deeply.

About eight years ago, when I was experiencing these extreme symptoms, I was similarly scared and visited a counsellor, psychologist and psychiatrist. Each independently concluded I presented with bi-polar. I immediately became even more scared. In the sessions with them whilst I was pouring out my heart, concerned for mine and my family’s welfare, they didn’t seem to really engage with me or even look at me; they made notes then delivered their diagnosis, writing out a script for anti-depressants. The experience felt cold and unassuring.

I am sure we have all had experiences when things were going bad, life felt hard and you shared it with a friend or family member and suddenly, supported by their sincere concern and listening, it lifted a cloud. They might not have provided a solution, but the love and care somehow fixed some things. This was what my GP provided when I shared my anxieties with her; I cried because I felt her genuine care – this care and talking with her felt like medicine in itself. There are many medical practitioners in the world who naturally present themselves in this caring manner. There are also many who don’t, due to stress, overwork, frustrating medical systems etc. I have no judgement of any of them; however, this time round with my depression I wanted to surround myself with a little bit more cushioning and care. I don’t just align myself to only seeing Universal Medicine health practitioners – that would be foolish. But on occasions I do seek them because I know that I will consistently receive genuine care, love and concern for my symptoms – but neither sympathy nor pandering; this care is part of their work ethos because they feel it can play an important part in the overall care and treatment of the patient. And when you’re dealing with the kind of issues I was dealing with, I felt it was advantageous to share these issues with someone in whose company I felt like I was with family or a friend – someone that cared and who knew me to be more than the mess I was in. As I journeyed through finding a suitable anti-depressant with my GP, I shared with her what I was exploring with my Universal Medicine psychologist practitioners and how it was really helping – she was super supportive of the efforts I was making, praised me for confronting the hard stuff and expressed to me directly that it was great that I was getting “so much support”.

Very gently, I considered my part in my life. Slowly it began to help and make sense. One of the dramas and distractions which I created and was able to look at, was being caught up in getting things done, especially since having children. Each day I created a to-do list, which set me up for failure as I put myself into a drive or busy-ness, which overrode my body telling me that it could not physically undertake such an impossible list. To compensate, I would be constantly reaching for comfort foods and felt exhausted, irritated and frustrated, which often led to rage directed at my innocent children and husband. This to-do list of mine was debilitating.

Could this be one of the ways I created chaos and overwhelm in my life – by generating circumstances and situations that made life so hard and so difficult that giving up felt like the only option? What if, for added drama, I threw in sabotaging thoughts of being a failure for not ever achieving the unachievable, plus a range of judgemental, self-loathing thoughts? And how could I profess to love my family when I treated myself so appallingly?

So, as I began to attempt each day to bring a simplicity to that day’s activities, I slowly started to see something else. Although I was making my life more simple and less complicated and my quality of life started to improve, I still was having shouting outbursts at my family. Now, my relationship with my practitioners was different, in as much as I could now go along and rather than look for them to fix it for me, I would rock up and say, “Okay, life’s better but I’m still yelling – I want to stop this, why is it still happening?”. Again, gently with no judgement, I received the possibility that I was only committing to making my life better, but not actually addressing the relationship I had with myself: my opinion of myself was still terrible and because I could still be mean to me, it was easy to be mean to others too.

So, I contemplated this for a while and BINGO! Finally a light went on; my internal voice was still running me down, judging me, chastising me all the time. So I might have been making better choices, but I was just ‘doing’ them to make things better rather than because I really felt I was worth it. Now I was getting somewhere.

I had been running two lives: a physically exhausting one, and another in my head running non-stop commentaries on how useless I was. So although I was changing the physically exhausting part of my life, the low self-worth part was still running the show: I still hadn’t committed to genuinely loving me and making that the reason for every choice I made in my day.

Stopping the merry-go-round, allowing the discomfort and pain of those unloving choices to be felt was not, and still is not, easy. But I now give myself some stillness and quiet, just to feel me. Now that I’ve allowed myself to feel my brutally low opinion of myself, I can see past that part and see the real me – this beautiful woman who is just busting to be given permission to come out into the world.

I would like to show my appreciation to Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine and all its wonderful practitioners for their unwavering love and support. This, however, is not a rah–rah for UniMed; this is a rah–rah for the growing awareness of the healing power of love, which is at the core of what UniMed endorses but is obviously not exclusive to UniMed; this is a rah–rah to the medicinal qualities of love and care – the love and care from my GP, the love and care from UniMed practitioners, the love and care from my family and friends and the love and care from me. It was me that made the choice to see qualified medical practitioners, highly trained in their field of mental illness, choosing to administer their medicine with love and care – the vital ingredient which was missing from my last foray into fixing this debilitating condition. All of the above helped bring me back to ME, showing me that I always had a choice, even when I had dug my heels in pretty deep, thinking I had no choice, believing that the dramatic events in my life were outside of my control and that I was a lost cause.

I am understanding more and more the meaning of true love and what that encompasses: it is true love to gently, without judgement, lovingly help people when they are ready to begin to entertain the possibility that we are responsible for our choices and the events that happen in our lives: it is true love to present the ‘tough’ stuff – to bring people back to who they really are so they, in turn, can help others return back to who they really are. This to me is the bigger picture, this to me is all part of true love. This is what personally helped me understand my depression and my part in it.

By Anon

631 thoughts on “Depression, Bi-Polar & the Medicinal Qualities of Love & Choice

  1. For so many of us we are so busy looking after others that we neglect ourselves, and as you say anon if we are mean and terrible with ourselves through self neglect then it is likely we will be mean and terrible to others. When we address the relationship we have with ourselves then the magic happens, the more self loving we become the more love and understanding we can bring to everyone it’s a very beautiful knock on effect.

  2. Well said Elizabeth – the mind can run rampant and seemingly get away with it whilst the body is the one that will suffer the consequences.

  3. Sometimes we can be scared to take medications, but when there is a true need, then they can be of great support, especially when used responsibly – which is about not depending on the medications to ‘fix’ anything but rather to use them as a support to get back to balance.

  4. When someone listens to us and truly hears us there are no solutions nor answers that are needed – it is the freedom to express, to be honoured for our expression that is the healing in itself.

    1. I totally agree with you Henrietta, to be heard and understood and not judged is very freeing for our bodies as we are often crushed as children by the fact that no truly one listens.

  5. The true bed-side manner of any therapist comes from connection to the person first and foremost.

  6. I respect your honesty here particularly when your sharing could support so many others that could be experiencing similar things to what you have experienced. Also I respect the Universal Medicine practitioners who held you in love and as you said ‘socked it to you’. Sometimes we tip toe around people, events or things not wanting to upset anyone but it is clear that in doing this and of course you being open to hearing it you were then slowly able to get to the root cause of what you were feeling and why which is totally amazing so well done.

  7. With loving awareness and reflection and without judgement and critique of ourselves we can heal anything.

  8. It’s a very powerful read, I particularly noticed your emphasis on the healing qualities of love and care, and that those can come from many places, and that love is not emotional or pandering, but honest, firm, truthful, and very holding of who you truly are underneath the mental health condition.

  9. It is great that you looked at what was going on more deeply with the support of Universal Medicine practitioners, ‘my internal voice was still running me down, judging me, chastising me all the time. So I might have been making better choices, but I was just ‘doing’ them to make things better rather than because I really felt I was worth it.’

  10. What are we not able to choose our way out of? Nothing. There is no situation in life that we are not able to eventually choose our way out of. Not that we can necessarily do it in one lifetime but over many lifetimes we shall all eventually choose our way out of the illusion of creation and back into the reality of truth. And when we get back to truth we shall realise that the truth is the same for all of us, identical in fact.

  11. To get to the point that we are the creators of our problems and that we ‘enjoy’ running our stories and the mess we create, is a massive step towards truly healing our issues. It takes courage and bravery to get to this point.

    1. This rachelmurtagh1 is huge because I saw a psychiatrist for many years and was encouraged to feel that I was a victim of life and others peoples whims, that it was not my fault. This approach was a perfect excuse for me to veggitate in my own mess and not to take any responsibility for life. So I stagnated for 25 years going round in circles just about managing life. To discover with the support of the Universal Medicine practitioners that I was the creator of my ill health and depression was a huge wake up call and with their support I now lead an amazing life free of ill mental health issues and no depression. That to me is a miracle because I always had the feeling at the back of my mind I would end up in a mental health institution in my old age. Instead at nearly 65 years old I’m at the peak of life with everything to look forward to, an amazing and oh so bright future.

  12. When we undo our own issues as we are the only ones who can so we can start down the road of being self-loving towards everything that needs exposing and they become obvious and so simple for us to empower our-selves with the help of a True practitioner to clear out all the old ill ways of living.

  13. It can feel like an uphill battle, when you’re at the bottom of the rot you can look around and think that you can’t get out. Equally, reaching the bottom can actually be the wake-up call necessary, the realisation that you cannot continue living this way and slowly start to turn things around. It is all a choice, and yet we don’t even have to reach rock bottom to start to turn our lives around. To start bringing more meaning and more responsibility in what we do.

  14. It may be hard to be honest about depression because in our honesty we are called to take a responsible step and get on top of it. When stuck in a cycle such as depression, people may feel incapable of making choices to come out of it, they may feel debilitated, exhausted etc. But when presented with responsibility, people are given a choice to take power over their condition, to see it for what it is and begin to make steps.. it is important that in that process people are supported, cared for and feel like those around them are there and won’t just give up on them. But to sympathise and feel sorry for people with any condition can actually make the situation worse, this behaviour confirms to people that they’re incapable of dealing with the situation and therefore is very harmful.

  15. When we feel we are totally received and heard with no judgment, we can hear ourselves with much more clarity, and it supports us become more honest and willing to take a step further.

  16. I can also endorse Universal Medicine; the commitment and care the practitioners have for their patients is phenomenal but at the end of the day no one can save us it is our responsibility to save ourselves.

  17. What I do to myself I do to others. Love and build love in the relationship with self and I love and build love in every relationship I am constellated to be in and experience. It always in every movement comes down to the relationship I have with me first.

  18. Wow what a story. And such honesty to be able to see that you are not a victim of depression, but are actually the creator of it, is truly courageous. And a true solution of the root cause. This is story the medical world needs to hear. Get it out in the world.

  19. ‘Now that I’ve allowed myself to feel my brutally low opinion of myself, I can see past that part and see the real me – this beautiful woman who is just busting to be given permission to come out into the world.’ Low Self Worth is common in both men and women and the major cause of so much unease that leads to disease. It’s not until we address the relationship with ourselves that we can in anyway change the way we are in life and that doesn’t mean dwelling on our issues or making them the reason we get depressed thus creating a fixed state and identity for ourselves but to see that life is fluid and ever changing as we are and that what is underneath this is not just a wounded child but a joyful and playful child and and also a responsible and love filled woman.

  20. ‘Very gently, I considered my part in my life.’ To do this requires a level of honesty that few are truly willing to embrace. Far from being victims of life, when we begin to break it down, we can begin to see how we have manifested or exacerbated situations that we have tried to blame others for. Taking greater responsibility for our part in our life’s problems I have found brings an inner settlement.

    1. Playing the victim is a choice and feeds the energy that seeks to destroy…the hardest part is being honest about this and actually realising the power we hold to play such a game.

  21. When we bring honesty to the way we have been living to me it is the first step to heal ourselves.
    Many of us have this internal voice that runs us down with negative thoughts on a never ending loop. Making things better doesn’t work we actually have to change the way we think, I have found that the negative thoughts I have are not mine at all it just feels as though they are mine, after all why would I beat myself up thinking I’m wrong; why would I be so self abusive? It doesn’t make sense so where are these thoughts coming from?

    1. “When we bring honesty to the way we have been living to me it is the first step to heal ourselves”, I agree Mary but this first step isn’t an easy one. All of our thoughts are impulsed by our thoughts and movements that have lead up to them, therefore if those thoughts and movements have been dishonest (and by dishonest I don’t mean being a thief or what society deems as a ‘bad’ person, I simply mean not being truthful with ourselves) then it makes it really hard to be totally honest with ourselves in that moment. But yes, of course, we can get totally honest with ourselves and in my experience, once I started to be honest then it had a sort of snowball effect and the lies and beliefs that I had been upholding came crashing down and what was revealed was the truth. The rather dazzling and resplendent truth.

      1. Alexis, recently a Universal Medicine practitioner asked a group of us to consider a possible scenario and I sat with what they had said and what transpired was incredible. I realised that I had been caught in a rut of a certain way of thinking and it wasn’t until that way of thinking was exposed to the light of day, that I could see how the thoughts were keeping me stuck in a pattern that just kept repeating itself. Which are the thoughts and movements you mention, maybe is not so much being dishonest with ourselves but that the pattern becomes such a part of who we think we are. We get lost in the pattern until we are called out. That is what the Universal practitioners are trained to do to call the spirit out and expose its hold over our bodies.

  22. Sometimes it is only the tough way, ie. to get confronted with the truth in a loving and caring way that can get us out of the tough situation we have ended up with and often contributed to if not completely created ourselves, especially when the misery is actually the comfort we seek to escape the responsibility of facing what we are avoiding in the first place.

  23. Put love into the mix and you get the best out of every other ingredient; it is love that ‘ennobles’ medicine, healing or any other craft to enable the magic that then can follow. And the same is true for when we start applying self-love.

  24. ‘I became open to looking at the possibility being presented to me that maybe I was setting up choices in my life to lead to events that would bring on the symptoms.’ This is huge. We all have a tendency to want to blame others for our woes and difficulties, but taking responsibility that we might in fact be the cause of them changes the game entirely.

  25. It is interesting when you describe the feeling of giving up in depression. Perhaps all of our choices are moments of possible responsibility or giving up.

  26. It takes the willingness of one to make a change combined with true support from a team around us to heal and to let go of things that hold us back in life. Amazing turn around Anon – and beautiful to see your honesty and openness in this blog as this will support many who have experienced a similar situation to see things in a different light.

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